Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: "that fantasy thing is right on the money for me"

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read "Surviving Loss & Thriving Again"  and it helped me a lot.  I find the older I get the more I can understand why I do what I do.  But, of course, we hope things will be different (see 'Insanity' in the dictionary)!  lol Anyway, that fantasy thing is right on the money for me.  Must be all those Romantic Comedies.

Thank you for your words!

Dear Reader:

I'm so glad my advice was helpful for you.  You might also want to check out "Letting Go Takes Love" and "Stupid Cupid" and "You Be The Judge" which will help you inject more reality into your relationships. When you're ready to date again Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today shows you a fun, safe and successful way to find a relationship that really works.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance on Winning the War Within

Dr. Romance writes: Do you sometimes feel locked in a struggle with yourself?  I know I do.  Why is it that we know what we want to do, but it’s such a struggle to actually get it done?  Even Saint Paul writes, in a letter to the Romans, “I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.”  Even the most successful people wind up struggling with procrastination, overeating, overspending, drinking too much, saying things you don’t mean, or getting involved with the wrong people.  As I work with my clients, the issue of internal struggle comes up over and over again.  What’s going on?  It’s inner warfare: a fight with yourself. 

Internal warfare produces a constant noise in one's mind, as the voices of opposing thoughts become locked in never-ending argument, which makes clear thinking almost impossible.  Whenever the inner war rages, you will use poor judgment in the important decisions of your life, because a substantial part of your thinking ability is hampered.  Just imagine trying to think in a room where two people are arguing about everything, most of the time!

When you can’t think clearly:

 * You are not able to understand the intuitive information you are receiving that could tell you who is trustworthy and who is unreliable;

 * You are not able to evaluate all the options available to you and make clear decisions; and

 * You cannot sort out the difference between  realistic options and options that are too pessimistic or too optimistic to serve as the basis of a good decision.

In addition, the exhaustion resulting from constant turmoil causes you to "forget" or feel unable to think clearly about your circumstances and your actions, which leads you to be dependent on others to do your thinking for you.

As long as it goes on this way, the inner war is unwinnable, since all sides feel equally right, and equally powerful.  Even if one side could win, you'd be operating at half power, unable to think clearly, or unable to feel feelings; which is what happens to many people.  Just as in wars in the external world, both sides inevitably pay a heavy price. 

When you learn how to manage your thinking and get all sides to negotiate and work together, you create a problem-solving team that is both intuitive and rational, creative and practical.  Only when your internal war is settled, and both sides form a working partnership, can you use the full power of your thinking ability.

To achieve this inner teamwork, take small steps in the beginning:  

 * When feelings of embarrassment, unworthiness, shame, or fear arise, just slow down and give yourself a chance to relax. 

 * Don't push or criticize yourself, but reassure and encourage yourself past the problem.

Discussing issues with yourself, asking yourself questions, and comforting yourself are hard concepts to understand, because part of you is focused on others, not on yourself. Even once you understand how to confront your inner feelings, you may resist at first, because you feel confused, ashamed or embarrassed. Old, ingrained subconscious beliefs that your feelings are frightening, and that you're unworthy of attention are fighting with your new, rational adult knowledge that you are important to you.

Once you negotiate an internal truce, you can become a new kind of person, within whom both the intuitive, feeling part and the rational, acting part work together for the common good, without a "good guy" or "bad guy", or winner and loser, but seeking to solve problems so that both sides are satisfied.  Negotiation, communication. and partnership become an integral part of your relationship with yourself, producing a sense of wholeness and power that give you the confidence to take risks and the motivation to get things done.  It truly takes the self-image of a warrior, at times, to continue the hero's journey toward fully living life.
     
I wish you peace: within yourself, within your family, within the world.
 (Adapted from It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction) 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: let the small things go and don't pick each other apart

Dear Dr Romance:

I just wanted to say thank you for the article you wrote "Relationships 101: Do Opposites Attract?"  I just read it today and you have really made my day.  I'm currently in an interracial relationship with a wonderful man from Africa.  Not only are we from different races but he is Muslim and I am a Roman Catholic so it makes it a little more interesting.  Unknowingly we have been following the guidelines you have written in your article and so far we are doing great.  We have discussed his family and background and my family and traditions we share.  We have talked about getting married and I am very excited about our future together. 
 
I think your article was very uplifting and people in any kind of relationship could take the advice to let the small things go and don't pick each other apart.  Again, Thank you for your wisdom and sharing it. 

Dear Reader:
 
Thanks so much for your positive feedback.  I'm so glad you found your love and are happy.  If you want more articles to help you keep love on the right track, try reading the free articles on my website like: "Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner,"   "How to be Irresistible to Your Mate" and "Couples Can Cooperate for Success"  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free is about how to have a successful relationship as two different people. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I dont know what bipolar is but I wonder about him.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been dating a guy for 3 years now. He still lives at home with his parents he is very polite we go to church together. He bought our rings last year and we were going to get married this year.  I cancelled for this year. I don't know what bipolar is but i wonder about him. His mom and sister and dad are a big factor I am also wondering about his controlling issues. I know you don't know me at all I am trying to tell you a lot in a little time. I was going to try add more education to my college diploma . It seems like whenever i try to improve myself he wants to somehow start some kind of distraction I also have a beautiful daughter who attends a private Christian grammar school. He just doesn't understand her. I don't think his parents let him be a kid.  His family are doing well they want him to get married , but don't want him to grow up. He is nine years younger than me. I have a college diploma in computer networking , he is car mechanic. I know i need to let go but it is hard. I think he does too and he is letting go.  We are supposed to go to his parents house on Sunday. My dad said to go ahead and go. I made the commitment it will be hard.

Dear Reader:

I can't tell if your guy is bipolar without seeing him, but I do know It's very bad for your daughter for you to get together with a man who doesn't understand her.  It's not the difference in your ages that's a problem, it's his controlling behavior and the fact that you're uncomfortable with how he relates to your daughter.  If you both agree that you're breaking up, it's not necessary to visit his family, but if your situation is not yet resolved, it will probably be easier to go.  Either way, it's time for you to let go and move on.

Please read my "Dating Guidelines for Single Parents" at  so that you won't get yourself in another situation like this one. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you find a more suitable relationship in easier ways.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: he thinks I am neglecting him

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been "dating" someone for a year to this day. We get along great and enjoy spending time together. He is very romantic. We are both full time teachers and students. We do work in separate schools. I enjoy sleeping over. However, recently I have decided that I need to finish my thesis if I am to graduate on time and I have also decided to lose the couple of pounds I have gained within the last year. I have been going to the gym and not spending the usual amount of time that I used to spend with him. I feel as though he thinks I am neglecting him. I know he has a lot of insecurity issues and I want to make him see that I do love him but I don't know how because when I do have time to see him he's either "busy" or doing other things. I really don't know what to do and need advice. I love him and don't want to lose him. Are there any things I can do to show him that I do care about spending time with him???

P.S. we took our relationship to the next level (meaning sex) and it seems as though he does not want to engage in that again. HELP!!!

Dear Reader:

It sounds like you changed the pattern of your relationship with him without telling him. Is that right?  So now, suddenly, you're unavailable when you were available before?  You two need to talk. If you've been "dating" for a year, sleeping over (with no sex?) it's time to talk honestly about what both of you want.  He may be assuming you don't care, so he's withdrawing to protect himself, or he may not see the relationship the way you do at all. When you two had sex it may not have taken the relationship to the next level for him.  He also may be assuming you've withdrawn because you didn't like the sex.   The only way to find out is to ask him.  Read my articles "Asking for What You Want" and "Stop Reacting and Start Relating".  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free will help you communicate more successfully and show you what a healthy relationship is.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance on How to Stretch Time

Dr. Romance writes:

Would you like to stretch time – to make the time you have go farther, and use it more for what you really want to do?   Stretching time is not difficult if you have the prerequisites: self-awareness, a sense of purpose, thoughtful action, and a playful approach.

 

Self- Awareness:

 

As with all successful life skills, time stretching works better if you know yourself well.  When you are aware of your priorities: for example, where do work, relationship, family and fun fall on “What’s most important” list?  Are you spending the most time on what is most important? 

 

You will be more effective and less stressed if you learn to take charge of your personal and family time.  Families need to sit down together and decide what activities are really worth doing, and what is just a "rat race."  Learning to avoid "time sinks"(such as unnecessary e-mail, TV or people who talk too much on the phone)  is crucial, because certain people and activities can absorb a lot of time and not be worth it.  Becoming "time aware" is the best way to achieve balance.

 

If you’re a parent, you need time off, too.  This can be achieved through allowing children over seven to spend occasional nights at friends' homes, and then reciprocating. This allows both sets of parents a chance to be alone, to go out, to have a break.  "Family networks" in which several families (related or not) share time, driving, trade of babysitting, etc. can really expand the amount of time off that each family enjoys. 

 

The key is achieving balance between work/play, self/others, giving/receiving and time off/financial security.   Achieving balance between work and the rest of your life is the key to avoiding burnout.  You'll be much better at doing this if you are self-aware, think through your options, schedule in personal as well as work time, and learn to be flexible. 

 

Sense of Purpose:

 

As you become more aware of your priorities, you may also discover a sense of purpose.   Or, perhaps you already know what your sense of purpose is.  However you arrive at it (and I’ve given instructions in both The Real 13^th Step and It Ends With You, if you want more info) knowing what you want to do with your life saves amazing amounts of time.  Once you know your purpose, many decisions are made in advance – it becomes a process of deciding which moves will bring you closer to your purpose, which won’t, and that saves the time wasted in experimenting, waffling and being undecided.

 

 Learning to be patient and remain calm also stretches time and relieves stress.  Cultivating patience is really learning impulse control:  Learn how to do "emotional maintenance" and shake off stress; How to quit when something is getting to you.  It's an issue in self-control.  To acquire patience, you must stop the impulse to quit, change your thinking/attitude, call a friend to get encouragement.  People who do need to learn patience don't know how to tell they're being impulsive, or how to stop. They often have a sense of entitlement ("I just didn't want to wait" -- said with some pride) and a lack of emotional maturity.  They're actually like emotional three-year-olds in adult bodies. To learn the necessary patience and determination to reach long-term goals, practice on small things first, and learn how to sort through what is worth exercising patience, and what is not.

 

For example, there are situations and people you have to work a little bit more to understand what they mean, to not take what they say the wrong way, or use a little more patience around them, because their personalities or styles are quite different from yours. 

 

Perhaps you have run into people who test your patience at work, with friends, or among extended family.   Sometimes people are difficult to handle because they remind us of other people we had problems with in the past, so we're attracted and frustrated at the same time.  Others can be difficult for many people around them. Problems with a familiar type of person may not emerge until you're already bonded and involved as friends or partners. 

 

The following exercise will help you step back and look at others as a source of information about yourself,  view people from a different angle and use the very people who upset you as a reflection of the internal dynamics behind your struggles.

 

To let go of small things:

 

1: Perspective -- put them in perspective -- will it be important an hour from now -- fifteen minutes from now?  Most of them won't be. 

 

2. Self-understanding: If someone or something upsets you, don't exacerbate the problem by getting on your own case for reacting.  Reactions are normal -- it's what we do with them that counts. 

 

3: Rise above: If someone frightened you (a driver who cut you off) then give a little prayer of thanks that you survived, bless the other driver (who probably needs it) and you'll feel better. 

 

4. Benefit of the doubt:  If someone hurt your feelings, acknowledge that your feelings are hurt, then consider that the other person is probably more clumsy than intentionally hurtful.  The world is full of emotional klutzes who don't realize the impact of their words and actions, and they create more problems for themselves than for you.

 

5. Consider the source:  A neighbor or associate who is truly nasty may repeatedly hurt your feelings.  Consider what must be going on inside that person's head, and be grateful that you're not hearing that.  Even the meanest people are far nastier to themselves than they are to others.  That person is trying to relieve his or her pain by inflicting some on you. 

 

Thoughtful Action:

 

Acting thoughtfully rather than impulsively means that your actions are effective, and therefore more time saving. 

 

Because time is valuable, learn to budget it the way you budget your money.  In counseling my clients, I have found that putting yourself on a "time diet" works wonders.  Be wary of "time sinks:" TV, computers, e-mail, etc. and phone conversations with people who talk a lot to no purpose.  Learn to say "no" to non-essential time wasters, so you can spend more time doing those things important to you.  Knowing how to balance and  to prioritize, cooperate and schedule your time so that everything will have a place is the key. Individuals and couples need to prioritize, cooperate and schedule their time so that everything will have a place.  Becoming "time aware" is the best way to achieve balance.  Achieving balance between work and the rest of your life is the key to avoiding burnout.  You'll be much better at doing this if you are self-aware, think through your options, schedule in personal as well as work time, and learn to be flexible. 

 

Sometimes, having duplicate tools and supplies saves time: for example, having scissors, makeup, nail files, etc. in several places in the house, so they're where you need them when you want them, or if you travel a lot, as I do, having your travel kit permanently available, with items you need, and keep it only for travel.  I have a separate ‘kit’ for several activities: one for the gym, one for the pool, one for my music lessons, one for church choir.  When I come home from a trip or a workout, I replenish the kit so it’s ready for the next time.  For example, when I come home from the pool, I take out the wet towels and suit, put in dry ones; and I’m ready to go next time.

 

Playful Approach:

 

A playful approach may not specifically stretch time, but it does make you feel that the time spent is worth it.  One way to enjoy the time you have, and feel more satisfied, is to remember that life is not supposed to be all seriousness: to really feel that life is worth living, we all need to have some fun. Yes, fun.  You remember fun!   Pleasure, humor, leisure activities, and silliness are ways we recharge, renew our energy, restore our hope and positive outlook, and connect with others.

 

Fun does not depend on spending money or going to extremes.  It does not depend on a particular  setting, companion, or activity, and it doesn’t have to take a lot of time..  Having fun is an internal process.  You can have fun sitting still and thinking about interesting or enjoyable things, or working in your garden, petting the cat, talking quietly with one friend, or playing cards with a few.  Singing, dancing, playing a sport and drawing a picture are fun pastimes for some people.  If you’re like me, playing with your brain is fun.  Fun creates a deep internal connection, too.  Through play we re-connect with our hearts, our childlike selves, and the intuitive, spontaneous part of our psyches. 

 

For many people today (due, in part, no doubt, to the images of pleasure seen in the media),  the definition of fun has been distorted.  Some ideas of what is fun are connected with excess, such as having a couple of drinks or engaging in "extreme" sports.  Some people think that to have fun, they must spend a lot of money traveling or dining out. Others think that to have fun, they must be around the "right kind of people".  Saddest of all are those who rely on others to "create" their fun.

 

Most of us think of fun as something we do on special occasions, something that requires a bit of advance planning.  We have whole industries dedicated to helping us play it seems as though a new theme park opens every week. But when you look back on your most joyous life experiences, they are more likely to have been spontaneous and simple rather than elaborate and expensive.  Play is recreation -- that is activity that "re-creates" us, causes us to see life differently and be refreshed by the change. 

 

You do not have to separate play and fun from anything else you're doing.  A lighthearted approach to serious matters often is the most productive one.  Try laughter -- getting yourself a desk calendar with a new cartoon every day, sharing a joke you got via e-mail, telling a co-worker the cute thing your kid said (or listening to his story) or talking about the funny scene in the latest hit movie -- will lower your blood pressure, calm your pulse and generally help you release a lot of stress.  (Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction)

© Tina B. Tessina 2023

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: How can I resume my initial romance with my wife?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a male Kenyan, married with 2 daughter. Of late, have totally lost urge for sex and it can only appear once per week though a weak one. Outside affair is a norm in my religion, but whenever I site a beautiful lady suddenly the mind switches to sex and I go to an extent of hooking her and talking on sex, though have never had sex outside marriage. Kindly advise me on how I can resume my initial romance with my wife.am very embarrassed.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. I think your problem can be solved. I'm glad you haven't had sex outside your marriage. Feeling guilty from cheating won't help your situation. 
 
As we get older, and are in a long-term relationship, the motivation for sex changes.    It is no longer based on the conquest of a pretty face, but should come from the heart.  In order for your intimate relationship to be strong in your marriage, you and your wife need good communication and closeness.  When you build more trust, your sexual performance will be easier. "How Sex Can Evolve in a Long Relationship"  will teach you what to expect with your sexual connection with your wife. "How to be Irresistible to Your Mate"    will show you how to bridge the gap with your wife.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together  has guidelines for energizing your sex life, like these:

Dr. Romance’s 4 Tips on Jump-Starting Your Sex Life

Has your sex life gone to sleep? No matter what the old wives' tales say about it, there’s no reason not to have sex in long-term relationships.  Sex not only will keep your love energized, it’s also fun exercise, a great stress-releaser, and aerobic: it raises your heart rate and your respiration -- and you don't even notice you're working hard.

Here’s how to make it easy and fun:

1. Relax. 

Relaxing allows you to be more aware of your sexual energy, enhances sexual feelings, and frees you up to respond sexually.  Allow time for morning sex when you are still relaxed from sleep, or after a nap.

2. Lighten Up 

Because of media influence, most couples have an exaggerated, stressful image of sex.  To have more fun, focus on having fun, instead of meeting a goal. Some sex encounters go well, some don't, so have a sense of humor. Spend more time giggling, talking and being silly and less time under pressure.  A lighter attitude makes sex more fun. 

3. Communicate

The best beginning for a lovely sexual encounter is a good, honest and open conversation.  When you were new lovers, you talked and sex was easy. Frequently make time to "catch up" with each other over an unhurried dinner or breakfast. Express your hopes and dreams, clear the air, and you can both relax. From there, it's not such a long distance into the bedroom.

4. Be Flexible

Physical agility can be helpful, but emotional flexibility will really improve your sex life.  The longer you and your partner are together, the more you need options. Here’s a menu:

 *Quickies: brief sexual encounters that are great fun when you're pressed for time.  Morning heavy petting can make the whole day more exciting.

*Sneaky Sex: Whispery sex behind locked doors while the children (or grandchildren) are watching TV is great fun, or sneak lovemaking in your childhood bedroom while visiting your parents. 

* Romantic Sex: Pull out all the stops: candlelight, dinner, dancing, dressing up, perhaps a lovely hotel room, or a romantic dinner for two at home.  It's great for celebrations, or anytime you need a boost.

* Newlywed Sex: Recreate your first married days: the time you met your husband at the door wearing only a negligee, surprise flowers, or silly, wildly in love things you said then. 

* Make-up Sex: After an argument or a struggle, lovemaking can be extra tender and memorable.

* Comforting Sex: When one of you is sad or stressed, the other can be especially tender and soothing.

* Relaxing Sex: Laze around, have breakfast in bed, and make love for as long as you want; no pressure, no hurry and no demands on each other.

* Reassuring Sex: Tender affection reassures a partner who is temporarily insecure, and reaffirms your mutual love and commitment. Declare your love and remember how important it is.

* Fantasy Sex: Act out all the silly, forbidden or exciting fantasies: Nurse and patient (or doctor), children "playing house", famous movie star and adoring fan, or your two favorite characters from a soap opera, novel or movie. If you feel a little silly, laughter will only make it more fun.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: My daughter told me that she can't take it anymore and wanted to kill herself

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a divorced father of 3. I am remarried. My 11 year old daughter is very upset about her mother's new boyfriend that is also still married. He was first introduced as a friend but she doesn't understand why he is always at the house and stays till late at night. My daughter has asked her mother if this is her boyfriend and the mother tells her no. 

My daughter calls me crying because her mom continues to lie, she doesn't want to be around him and he is always at the house and that she has tried to talk to her mom and her mother tells her she needs to deal with it.  

My daughter then decided to write her mother a letter explaining that she was upset and didn't want to be around her boyfriend, that she was upset for her lying to her and the letter also stated that she was going to run away from home and call the cops for sexual harassment.   She told me that she can't take it anymore and wanted to kill herself if things didn't change.

I have tried to talk to her mother about this but she doesn't think there is a problem only that our daughter is jealous and spoiled.

Dear Reader:

I'm a little skeptical.  I can understand your daughter not wanting to have her mother's "friend" around all the time, but I don't understand why she's so very upset about it, unless the "boyfriend" is giving her some sort of problem (why is she going to call the cops for sexual harassment -- has he done something?)  or unless she's upset because you're upset.  Wanting to kill herself is way over the top for an 11 year old. This makes me think that you're the one who is upset, and talking about it to your daughter in a way that exacerbates her feelings. Perhaps she's not getting enough of your attention, and this is a way to do it.  If she's so unhappy at her mom's, why  not just let her stay with you? 
 
I don't condone her mom's having a boyfriend around the house all the time, especially if her daughter doesn't like him.  But, I'm not sure what you think she's lying about.  Do you want her to tell your daughter the "truth" including details of her sexual relationship?    It sounds to me like everyone needs to grow up here, and your daughter needs more balanced support.  Stop supporting her hysteria, and support her well-being instead. 
 
You and your ex should go to counseling, work through your anger with each other, and figure out what's best for your daughter.  As things are now, your daughter is going to spend a lifetime in therapy because her parents were so dysfunctional.  "What is a Dysfunctional Family?"  will explain what's wrong and It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction can teach you how to function more successfully as a parent.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: How do you get unstuck and really talk?

Dear Dr. Romance:
  I was so interested in your article "Getting to Yes" about Attentive listening...what a powerful strategy and descriptive techniques.  Here is a but.....I have?????  Now, what if ....as you are listening  you recognize  the signals you mentioned from the person you are talking with and you're stuck with how to get that person to "unload" about why they are uncomfortable with what you said.  The thing is that you recognize that you have pushed the button, but then how do you get unstuck and really talk?  You made me think.  Thank you.

Dear Reader:

Thanks for the compliments.  I'm glad the article was thought-provoking for you.  When you recognize that you have pushed a button, it's very important to stop trying to get your point across from that moment on.  All your attention has to shift to finding out what went wrong.  Often it's enough just to say "What?" or "You look like you have a question" (question is better than problem) or, "Is this making sense to you?"  Any non-threatening question will usually get a response, especially if your listener is not afraid he or she will be criticized, argued with or get you angry by telling the truth. This may not be as easy with a sullen spouse or teenager, but it will still work if you ramp up your patience (For more information about this, read "Practicing Patience" and "Guidelines for Being Understood" .) If the other person is less verbal than you are, you may need to allow time to formulate and articulate his or her thoughts.  Basically, if you leave room for your listener's response and opinion, you'll usually find out what is going on. 

You'd be surprised at how often couples come into my counseling office with one saying "he (or she) won't talk to me" and within five minutes I have the "silent" partner talking up a storm.  For more about getting your partner to open up, read How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance on Relating With Love

Dr. Romance writes: 

Why do relationship counselors, speakers and authors say repeatedly that your relationship depends on how well you communicate with each other? Because marriage is a partnership and to create teamwork, you need to keep each other informed, and keep yourself aware of your partner’s ideas, wants and reactions.   We all know a lot these days about the techniques of communication, but I find that many of my clients don’t understand the necessary attitudes to create domestic happiness. 

The Sweetness Factor

Nothing improves communication and intimacy better than enhancing the sweetness in your marriage. We live in a cynical, hard-edged culture, so it’s easy to become embarrassed or shy about being sweet to each other, but when you see the difference a little sweetness makes in your emotional life, you’ll understand why it’s worth it, and that no matter what the bickering couples in the sitcoms are modeling, being kind and tender toward each other creates a much better relationship.  If you put more energy into expressing your love and appreciation for each other than you put into arguing and resisting each other, you’ll be creating your own happiness.  Research shows that a happy, loving partnership will enhance your self-esteem, improve your mental and physical health, and even give you longer life! When your life together is loving and pleasurable, you’ll have more energy for success in everything else you do.  When you can count on each other to be protective, supportive, kind, and caring, and to do your respective parts in the partnership, you have a firm foundation for handling whatever life brings you.  The calm assurance you get from knowing you are loved and cared about makes it easier to think clearly and make good decisions. It’s a great blessing to be and have a loving and reliable partner with whom to make plans and carry them out.

To increase the sweetness in your relationship, try the following:

*Express gratitude:  Count your blessings out loud.  Remember to say “thank you” to your partner, even for little things. If you’re thinking about it, you’ll be able to find things to express gratitude for several times a day.  If you have a spiritual or religious background, give thanks together for everything.  My husband and I say “And we thank Thee, for receiving; that which we need to know, that which we need, and that whom we need to know, and the courage to act upon it and the energy to follow through,” whenever we want to give thanks. 

*Be courteous:  Nothing ramps up the sweetness more than old-fashioned courtesy.  Being familiar with each other is not a reason to drop your “please and thank-you’s.”  Politeness is lubrication for your daily interactions, it makes everything go more smoothly. 

*Look, smile and touch: There’s an actual electrical connection that passes between us when we touch.  To demonstrate this in seminars, I use a ‘magic wand’ that contains a battery, and is wired so that you have to put one hand on each end of it to light it up.  I ask a couple to hold hands, and then have each of them hold one end of the wand with the other hand, so it lights. Then, I ask them to let go of each other’s hand, and the light goes out, even though they’re still holding the wand.  This even works with a big circle of people, when two are holding the wand.  When everyone holds hands, the wand lights—if anyone in the circle drops another’s hand the wand goes out, because the electrical circuit of the connected bodies is disconnected.  Also, neurology research shows that your brain “lights up” when you look at someone you love. In my office, I know that when I get a couple to look at each other and hold hands, their arguments become much less angry.   You can use that electrical connection to provide “juice” in your marriage.  Look at each other and smile frequently when you’re together; give each other little pats, massages, gentle touches, and hold hands frequently when you’re walking or driving, you’ll keep the energy (and the sweetness) flowing between you.  Your physical body will remember all those little looks, caresses and smiles.

*Give compliments:  It costs nothing to say “You look good” or “I like your shirt” or “You did a great job” and it gives back countless rewards.  Give each other as many complements as you can manage, every day.  Between complements and gratitude, you can really pump each other up and both of you will feel great, and look like you do.    

*Celebrate:  Make a fuss, big or small, over every little accomplishment or milestone you achieve.  Remember, Appreciation + Celebration = Motivation.  If you want to motivate each other to stay together, work toward a good marriage, be a success, or be more loving; celebrate and appreciate every tiny step in a good direction.  You’ll be surprised how quickly you achieve your goals when you celebrate every step along the way.

*Party: Create a party atmosphere for bigger celebrations.  Toast a celebration with champagne or sparkling cider, a gathering of friends, or a thankful prayer. Create a celebration environment: use balloons, music, flowers, candles, or set your table with the best china.

*Visible reminders: Surround yourself with visible evidence of your successes. Plant a commemorative rosebush or get a new houseplant to mark a job well done, or display photos and souvenirs of fun events, vacations and sports or hobby trophies.  It's a constant reminder of your ability to have fun with each other.  Or get together for an impromptu lunchtime picnic and a balloon.   

Relating with Love

Relationships have their unavoidable stresses and strains.  To keep things in balance, put a bit of energy into increasing the sweetness between you.  Thoughtfulness, 'thank you=s' and gestures of politeness and affection are the WD-40 of your partnership.  Keep things running smoothly by remembering to add a spritz of sweetness frequently.  You'll be amazed at how good you feel, and how much more responsive your partner is.

 

Guidelines for Relating With Love (Six things to remember)

1.  It's not about who's right or wrong it’s about solving the problem together. If you try to win the argument, you'll lose something more important B loving feelings.

2.  With listening, caring and the willingness to change, anything in your relationship can be fixed. There=s no need to be afraid B just turn up the love.

3.  It's a partnership, silly!   Stop struggling, and learn to work together.  Focus on teamwork and sharing.

4.  Behavior that enhances relationships with people at work, and with your friends, will probably work if you use it with your spouse. Seek to be more rational and less angry or emotional.

5. What goes around comes around, in love as well as life.  If you want more of love, try giving more.  It will work every time.

6.  Act like the grownup you are, not a little kid.  Think before you speak and focus on solutions, not problems.  Give up whining, complaining and suffering, and step up to taking responsibility and loving more.

(c) Tina B. Tessina, 2023  Adapted from How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: He Does Holidays with His Ex and Kids

Dear Dr. Romance:

I found one your article "Dr. Romance: Setting Boundaries with Your Ex"  and wanted to reach out to a professional that is an expert with Divorce, families and integrating a new partner.  I am single, 30, never been married, no kids. I am dating a divorced man who has four children in grammar school. I live in a different state and  have not met the children yet. And we are hitting road blocks in our relationship due to the scenario below.

In a nut shell, he and his Ex wife have established a continued  relationship for the children.  He is supporting her and the children financially (Ex does not work). They have been divorced for between 9 and 10 years.  He will see his children 90 percent of the time at her  place, cooking dinners, watching movies... they do not do the split home arrangement. They actively still do vacations together, and for holidays, family gatherings (both sides) and sporting events both  parents are there.  He has made it very clear to me that his children comes first, I completely support that. Our relationship has been rocky and he wants to have "the best of both worlds", meaning bringing in a new girlfriend and having kids, family and Ex wife accept her.  He has great fear due to a past experience bringing in a girlfriend and the (within 2 years of them being divorced) Ex wife being "insecure" and putting limitations on the kids visits and on a schedule.  His fear is that she will do it again even after 9 years of being divorced.

I need a professional assistance on how I should evaluate, support and gather information on what is a healthy way to go about this situation.

Dear Reader:

This is a very difficult situation.  I seriously think you should be very careful here.  You will always be second best.  I actually admire what your friend is doing for his children, but I've seen other scenarios like this, and they don't end well for the 'other woman' which is what you are. Why don't you consider finding a man who is actually available for a relationship?  Your guy is really living in a fantasy world, and he doesn't like confrontation. That means he will do anything to pacify his ex.  She knows she can manipulate him, so she'll never be OK with his girlfriend. You'll always come up short.  So, consider whether you want to spend every holiday alone in the future.   I suggest you read How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free and the articles: "Letting Go Takes Love" and "You Be the Judge"  You need the judgement and courage to let go of this relationship. There's nothing available for you here.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today can help you find a real full-time relationship. 

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I haven't told anyone i'm in this relationship out of fear

Dear Dr. Romance:

I want to thank you for the article you wrote "Age Differences in Relationships"  I've been dating a guy that is 6 years younger than me (he's 20 and I'm 26) for about 10 months now and I've felt so guilty that I'm "robbing the crib" or a "cougar"...I haven't told anyone I'm in this relationship out of fear of their reaction due to the age difference.

Reading the article i felt a bit better about it because i know we are together for the right reasons and not as a fling.  I really like how you express in your article that one should start concentrating on the age and rather look at the relationship, hopefully i can start to do more of that in my relationship. 

Dear Reader:

 I'm glad you found the article helpful.  I don't think a six year difference is significant.  What's important is that you form a partnership, with mutual respect and caring.  To make your relationship successful please read Couples Can Cooperate for Success; Creating Unconditional Love; and Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free (4th Edition) will help you to create the relationship you want.   I wish you good fortune in your relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: He had to hurt me to pull away so he could start this new relationship.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I met a guy at the end of my marriage, I started to have a  relationship with him. the marriage ended and my husband moved out. My new relationship grew stronger and he had hope for a future with me. I was not ready to let people know I was in a new relationship so I  hid it for 2 years which made him frustrated and upset.
 
He wanted to start a family and live together but I continued to hide  the relationship which made him give up and fall out of love.  He told me he loves me but was not in love with me. He tried several time to end the relationship but i wouldn't let him so while he grew apart from me I grew deeper in love with him. He finally met someone while we were still together. He was very blunt and honest about her and our relationship ended fast. He had to hurt me to pull away so he could start this new relationship. I was so deeply hurt that I became mean and cruel.  I  said awful things and threaten him on the phone. He saw a side that was shocking,  I begged for him to stay i did everything in my power to win him back.  He fell deeply in love with this new women.
 
I have a motorcycle that's in his name that i told him i would stop paying on it  which i didn't  but this motorcycle  gave me control over him. He decided not to speak with me ever  again,  until one day i called him up to apologies for my behavior he was very open to listen.  He told me he was still bitter and very disappointed in me.  Then the games started, once again I tried to get him back.  He started to play head  games by saying maybe if things don't work out,  I would have to date you first, if i do i want to move in, but it was all just a game to hurt me for what i did to him.
 
 I finally caught on and just gave up then I started to be mean again. I thought his action  was so cruel and unfair.  We talked and decided to me for coffee,  we talked about how perfect this new woman was and she was his perfect match and totally flawless! and very Beautiful.   He said they were planning on having kid and a wedding in the near future. They moved in together after two month of knowing each other they are now eight  months together and six living.
 
 Things are now different between us we have worked out some our differences but we still have to workout changing the ownership of the bike and thats almost done.   What concerns me is that he  is so nice to me he calls me once a week to talk and just today we spoke in the morning and then in the evening. its friday and i told him to have a nice weekend and he said he would call me next  week sometime. Why is he calling me all the time? and why does he feel we are such good friends now? Why is he so nice? He acts like were social buddies. I just don't understand his behavior. I'm concerned, i need  advice and an answer. sorry about the long introduction leading to the questions.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you're struggling, but you have to look at this situation more objectively. You're twisting everything according to how you want it to be.  I don't think he's being cruel and unfair, I think you were cruel and unfair.  When he loved you, you took him for granted and kept your love hidden.  So, he got tired of that and found someone else.  He's just being nice to you, and probably trying to make sure there are no more tirades.  You blackmailed him about the bike, and you've behaved very badly.  This is not the way to win someone back.  He's found someone else, you have to let him go and move on.  Get the bike ownership cleared up, and then say goodbye.

Don't try to be friends, he's moved on.  He just doesn't want to be the "bad guy" in this situation. Let him go, don't call him, don't respond when he calls you.  Stop playing games. You've been in a couple of bad relationships now, it's time to learn about healthy relationships, so you can do it different next time.  Read "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship?"  And start changing your behavior. How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free (4th Edition)  will teach you how to build a committed, effective partnership, and Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you find and develop a new, healthy relationship.  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Getting Out of Your Own Way

Recently, Dr. Romance has been asked a lot about how people can overcome paralysis and self-sabotage, so I thought I’d pass on my ideas on the subject.  Getting in your own way is all about how you relate your yourself.   In addition to not managing your time effectively, there are many ways you can stop yourself from getting the most out of life – not enjoying what you have or have accomplished; not being able to get motivated, or finish what you begin; and having a negative focus, which leads to discouragement, anxiety, despair and even depression. 

Paralysis
When you aren’t able to get yourself motivated, to complete what you start, or to follow through when you need to, it’s called emotional paralysis.  The main factors that lead to paralysis are Lack of Self-Trust, Being Outer-directed, Overwhelm, Perfectionism and Negative Thinking.  Let’s look at each of these roadblocks, and what you can do about them.:

Lack of self-trust:
When you don’t trust yourself, your own judgement, your intelligence, and your ability to manage yourself and make your own decisions, life is too frightening to move. Here’s an exercise abbreviated from It Ends With You to help you strengthen your self-trust. 

Steps to learning self-trust
1. Ask your own opinion.  Frequently ask yourself: "What do I think about this? Do I like it? Does it make sense to me? Do I agree or disagree with the others?”

2. Listen to the answer.  Listen to your opinions as you would to the ideas of a respected friend.  Consider them, weigh them, and even discuss them with yourself from time to time. 

3. Repeat until it’s a habit. After a few weeks, you’ll become comfortable with your personal opinions, which will have a profound effect on what you do and how you act. Decision making will be faster and easier, and you’ll feel much more secure in making decisions.  

Being Outer-directed:
Knowing and acting on your own opinion is being inner-directed.  Making decisions based on what others want or just reacting and responding to events is being outer-directed.  You get along like that for a while, then you grind to a halt and become emotionally paralyzed.  You must be the one in charge of your life  – I believe it’s what we were designed to do, and I see every day what happens to people who don’t take charge of their thoughts, words and deeds.  Once you know your own opinion, you need to act on it. The opinions of others are helpful input, but your decisions must be your own.

Overwhelm: 
When you don’t take time to think clearly about the issues and problems in your life, and get mentally organized, you try to solve everything at once, and become overwhelmed and paralyzed.  To overcome this problem, write down the thoughts that are racing through your head, make a list of everything that needs to be done, and prioritize.  Then, pick one thing, break it down into steps, and begin doing the steps.  You’ll find that organizing your thoughts like this makes everything much more manageable.

Perfectionism:
The final paralyzer is wanting to do things so perfectly that nothing is good enough.  To break the paralysis, lighten up on your demands of yourself.  Be a supportive, encouraging friend to yourself, not a demanding boss.

Negative thinking
By far the biggest roadblock in your relationship with yourself and with life is negative thinking.  Many of my clients are afraid that recognizing problems, difficulties and grief is the same as negative thinking, and therefore, they ricochet back and forth between pretending to be happy and feeling hopeless.

Grieving is not negative thinking, it's an  adjustment in feelings.  If you allow yourself to acknowledge whatever feelings you have (anger, fear, sadness, joy) you’ll be able to feel real happiness when it comes.  Negative thinking is actually scaring oneself.  To latch on to only the negative things, to "catastrophize" about how awful things are or will  become creates  unnecessary  tension and stress -- and eventual paralysis.

The antidote to negative thinking is trust.  Trust  yourself -- you have a direct line to eternal wisdom, and expressing  your  feelings clears up the static so you'll know what is most important  for you  in this moment.  Trust your family and friends -- they love  you, they want to help, so let in the love they give you.  Living as truthfully as you can -- including when you're upset, frightened, or hurting -- will put you in harmony with God's  plan for your life.  Above all, trust Love -- trust that  you are  surrounded with it, that your loved ones love you back, that  you were  created by Love, and, when it's time, you will be re-created by Love.  Trust the blessings of life -- even the worst things will somehow turn  out to be a blessing, though you may not be able to see it now.  Eternal  Wisdom is  so much bigger than we are, and we cannot understand  all its workings, but  "all the Power that ever was or will be, is here now" and we are all safe.

Whatever threatens our little ego-based world cannot touch that which is real within us. There is no need to be paralyzed, to be afraid, to hesitate.  Goethe, the beloved German poet, said

Some of your ills you have cured
And the sharpest at least you’ve survived.
But what torments of Hell you’ve endured
From evils that never arrived

Adapted from It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction and 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: How Can I Sleep with my Ex-girlfriend's Mother?

 
Dear Dr. Romance:
 
Maybe you can give me some advice. I am 18. My relationship with my girlfriend ended with her leaving me. She said that we could remain friends. This happened over a month ago. My ex-girlfriend and I have remained friends. She has a new boyfriend and she seems happy. I am happy for her. We still see each other as friends and I am still invited to her house. This question involves her single mother. From dating my ex-girlfriend I have gotten to know her mom well. She is a very nice woman and very attractive. The other night I was invited by my ex-girlfriend to a dinner at her house. She, her new boyfriend, myself, and her mother were there. Her mom cooked. It was a nice meal and a fun time. After the dinner my ex-girlfriend and her boyfriend left for their date. I offered to stay and help clean up. Her mother was happy for the help. After we got done cleaning up the kitchen from the meal I asked her if she would like a massage. She said "yes". I gave her a good rub down. It seemed to relax her and she seemed to enjoy it very much. It also gave us a chance to talk more which I enjoyed. I also enjoyed the feeling of her warm and smooth skin. After it was over she thanked me with a passionate kiss. I would really like to have sex with her. Do you think there is a chance given the fact of the difference in our ages and the fact that I was a boyfriend of her daughter? How can I let her know of my desire? Perhaps asking if she would like another massage would give us a chance to talk about this. How can I make this request to her?

Dear Reader:
You are a brave guy, to consider walking into this hornet's nest. I don't think you have to worry about your ex-girlfriend's mom wanting to have sex with you.  What worries me is what happens when her daughter finds out.  You could be caught in a really nasty dysfunctional family trap. But you didn't ask whether I think you should, so If you want to do it anyway, you're of age, so you can just offer her another massage.  If you move into the erotic zones with your massaging, and she doesn't stop you, then she's saying "yes."  Proceed slowly, and if she responds, and doesn't say "no" she's probably wanting to go ahead.  At that point, if you're not sure, ask her if it's OK with her to have sex.  If you do have sex, make sure you're using a condom -- you don't want to get caught in an even worse tangle than this one.  Read my article "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship" (see previous post) and please be careful -- situations like this can become very painful. Personally, I think you'd be better off reading It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  to clear up your confusion and Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today to find someone more suitable

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Should I say something?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Should I say something? I'm reaching out to you for advice, I came across your blog recently and wanted to see what you had to offer. I'm kind of in a weird situation, I'm interested in this girl that I work with, we have great chemistry and make each other laugh non-stop, we also hangout outside of work and enjoy each others company. I wish I could tell her how I feel about her and how I want to see her happy all the time. She just ended a relationship about 4 months ago, from what I've heard it was a pretty serious relationship. I just wish she could know how I feel, sometimes it's so hard to hold back from saying something. What should I do? Hold off from saying anything and just continue hiding how i really feel?

Dear Reader:

If she ended a long relationship four months ago, she may not be ready to date anyone else yet, even if you are close to each other.  If she's hanging out with you outside work, then it seems to me she'd know the possibility that you'd like to date her does exist.  It sounds as if you have a light, easy, fun friendship.  It's OK to ask her if she thinks she'd ever be interested in more than a friendship, but be prepared for a negative answer.  If she says she isn't, or she doesn't know yet, you'll have to go back to just being her friend.  If she says she might like that, but it's too soon, then keep things light, but consider asking her out for a real date, where you make all the arrangements and take her somewhere.  Then follow my "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  .  Try to keep your expectations low, so you don't frighten her off by overwhelming her.  I don't see any reason why you can't say you'd like to see her happy all the time, or that you really enjoy her company.  Just don't get needy or pushy, and you should know before too long if this is ever going to develop into a more definite relationship.  If it doesn't, read "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" to get into the dating world. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will tell you all you need to know to make dating fun, safe, and successful.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: "Love advice would be greatly appreciated!"

Dear Dr. Romance,

I am in my late 20's and single. My problem is that I am in love with a man (who is the same age as I am) who reciprocates my feelings, but when we start getting close he backs completely off. When we run into one another while we are out with friends we talk and it is like we are alone in the room. I know he has strong feelings for me, but he just won't commit. He has had troubled relationships in the past, and I feel like those past relationships are the reason he won't let himself stay close to me. Meanwhile, I can't get over him and move on because every single time I think I am, I randomly run into him (he doesn't know I am going to be there either). I want more than anything to have a committed relationship with this man, but I don't know how. Any suggestions???

Dear Reader:
 
Have you tried asking him to do something that is non-threatening?  Maybe to show you how to do something on your computer, or to improve your workout at the gym?  Do you know what he's good at, or interested in?  Does he play a sport?  What if you and a few friends showed up to watch him play a game?  Perhaps one of your friends could invite both of you to go with a group to do something; like a movie.
 
You need to find something that says "let's be friends" and take the romantic pressure off.  He shouldn't feel pressured to commit.  He doesn't know you well enough yet, and you're both young.  You might be scaring him off by wanting too much, too soon. Relax, focus on being his friend, and being fun and pleasant to be around.  Read "Where is Love?" for more ideas.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today   will give you many ideas for non-threatening ways to get to know this man.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Patterns of Change

Dr. Romance writes:

I’ve been dealing with a lot of unwanted changes, and it’s not easy. Losses, disappointments, changes – we all struggle when life doesn’t go our way. Why is it so hard to handle change? Then there are the changes we want to make, fight hard to make – losing weight, giving up smoking, being more organized. Why is it so hard to create change?

The answer is patterns -- human beings are hardwired to seek out patterns and operate according to them. Every waking moment we are bombarded by overwhelming floods of data, infinite numbers of choices, confusing and conflicting information. Sheer survival depends upon your brain being able to sort through all of this every minute. The ingenious solution, built right in to your brain and nervous system, is the ability to operate according to patterns.

Your brain automatically searches and identifies many kinds of patterns. Patterns of sight mean that you can identify the chair from the table, the dining room from the bedroom, whether you see them in their three-dimensional form, or see a photograph, or even see the drawing created by your six-year-old. A table on a canvas by Van Gogh or Picasso is recognizable even though the perspective is skewed and the colors are strange. It still fits the pattern of table. Kinesthetic patterns mean you can reach for a utensil, pot or dish in the kitchen without even looking where you reach, or grab your toothbrush in the bathroom before you’re really awake. A combination of kinesthetic and visual patterns means you can drive the familiar drive to work without even thinking about it and if you get a new job or move, you’ll find yourself taking the old route if you don’t pay attention.

The stress of paying attention is one of the major reasons why patterns are important. Research shows that moving to a new home is one of the most stressful experiences you can have, right up there with the death of a loved one. This doesn’t appear to make sense -- since moving to a new home is usually a desirable thing -- until you think about patterns. All those kinesthetic, visual patterns have suddenly changed -- the pots, dishes and your toothbrush (not to mention the bathroom) are all in different places. So is the furniture. You’re tripping over chairs that seem to be in the wrong places. You have to think every minute of the drive to work, because the route is unfamiliar. Each of these changed patterns represents a lot of stress. When you’re operating within old, familiar patterns, you don’t need to think about what you’re doing. Your body is wired to do familiar things without having to think about them. This leaves your mind free to wander, and to de-stress.

As I write this, I’m touch-typing. I don’t have to think about the spelling of the words, or which finger hits which key. here was a time, of course, when I couldn’t type even one word without hunting and pecking for each letter, but (in the beginning) painstaking practice and repetition, and now many years of experience, mean that I can even talk to someone else while I type. Repetition and practice made the patterns part of my consciousness.

If you want to change a habit (for example, to develop a habit of wearing your car seat belt) you develop a pattern that incorporates the change (I’ll get in my car, put the key in the ignition, fasten my seat belt, and then start car.) At first, you may even need a written note to remind you of the pattern, but if you consistently follow your new routine, it will be a pattern in a week or two. If you do it for several weeks, it will become ingrained enough to feel automatic you won’t need to think about it at all. Changing even really tough patterns, like smoking, is possible if you break it down into each smoking habit you have (after dinner, at work, hanging out with friends) and develop a replacement pattern for each one (chew mint gum after dinner, take a short, brisk walk during work breaks, hang out in non-smoking places with friends,) and follow each new pattern consistently until all are changed. Having something different to focus on makes the psychological withdrawal easier.

Here’s something that will help: We have a brain mechanism psychologists call "preparatory set." It's one of the mechanisms the mind uses to sort through the enormous amounts of data that flow in daily, and keep it manageable. By writing down the things you want to accomplish and making them clear, you can "program" that mechanism. Once programmed, it directs your attention to certain events and occurrences. To illustrate: When you decide you want a certain car (an SUV, a hybrid, or a Mini) you see that model everywhere, you notice every one on the freeway, you see every ad or commercial. Preparatory set works that way. Once you program it with your goals (visualizing in addition to writing is most effective) you will automatically be more aware of certain events, opportunities and people who can be helpful. You'll also be more clear about what you want, and this will sneak into your conversation and your general attitude, where others can pick up on it. It's not really magic, unless you believe as I do, that the mind is a miracle in itself.

For example, to make it easy to include easy exercise in your life, write down your goal (I will walk an extra half hour a day) and picture yourself walking and enjoying it -- perhaps you picture parking a few blocks away (where it's cheaper) and walk the rest of the way, or get off the bus or subway one stop early, or walk to that nearby restaurant (or art museum) for lunch, or take the stairs instead of the elevator when you go to the Xerox, or take a sandwich to a nearby park, or take the dog for a bit longer walk than usual before and after work. If you picture yourself walking and enjoying it, you'll soon find that you're noticing more new and different ways you can add in walking without stressing about it.

Change will still take work, but using this mental trick will help you reach your goals easier and faster.

(c) Tessina, 2023 Adapted from  It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction ) 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: It's tough because we work together and I see her everyday

Dear Dr. Romance:

I ran across the post from the man who was being "patient" with the wounded woman who kept projecting her thought and blowing him off. I thought it was so close to my situation, it blew me away.

I am a drug and alcohol counselor and found myself attracted to a coworker.  At first it was her idea to date saying "if I wasn't going out with so and so, I'd date you. You're a nice guy." She said this in front of several coworkers. Within two weeks, so and so had dumped her and after waiting a week or so, I asked her to a movie. At first she said yes, but later backed out because we work together and she has dated coworkers in the past and had to quit her job afterwards.

I backed off and the following week just asked for a coffee date. At first she said yes but to check back on wed. She of course again backed out. I really like this this woman and love the delicious conversations we have about everything from kids to psychology. She's very intelligent and can keep up with me on any subject. She always seeks me out for advice, insists we eat lunch together at the same time in the break room and always sits next to me at staffings. 

I've asked her to coffee a total of 5 times (once she even gave me her home number to call her to ask her out), but always backs out. She usually uses working together or "focusing on her art career" as an excuse. She does this on the side for extra money and is actually very good. 

She is the same age as me, been in recovery from alcohol addiction over twenty years, been married several times and had countless failed relationships with men. The over-all theme of them seem to be, men disappear, blow her off, use her and dump her, etc. So much for seeing her potential huh?

I began to notice that when I did ask her out, she would actually panic, I could see it in her eyes. This seems to me to just be old Adult Children of Alcoholics stuff. These women tend to go for men who are unwilling or who are unable to give them love.

When a man shows up that could actually love them and there might be a happy ending, they sabotage it. So they are alone and bitter.  It's tough because we work together and I see her everyday. I make myself available for her to talk as long as I'm not busy. I am trying to move in my mind though. I know relationships should be fun, joyful and have two willing partners who are emotionally available.  It's a shame. This woman is awesome. Unfortunately, she doesn't think she's all that awesome apparently.

Dear Reader:

I'm glad you found my post helpful. You may be right that there is too much intimacy in your relationship already, and it frightens this woman. However, she does have a point about dating coworkers. It's a common dilemma: work is the easiest place to meet and get to know people, because the "dating desperation" is not present, and you're in proximity for extended periods of time, so it's easy to get to know someone before you ask them out. However, there's the ever-present problem that if the dating does not go well, your job environment can be ruined.

These days, there are also considerations of sexual harassment and hostile work environments to consider. If it goes badly, one or both of you could indeed have to leave your job.

However, she sounds like she's teetering. She's giving you mixed messages because her feelings are mixed. Inside she's probably going "I'd like to know him better. Oh, I shouldn't -- it could be a disaster." She might come around in time, if you keep the friendship going, and don't make any more moves toward asking her out. But, it's a gamble.

My advice is to keep looking for someone away from work. There are a couple of articles on my website that will help you.  "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends"  will show you how to find love interest outside of work "Where is Love?" will give you insight into intimacy.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will  help you develop a more mutual relationship,  and teach you how to find a suitable partner and develop the relationship beyond dating. 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Do you feel that she is wanting out and doesn't want to tell me or hurt me?

Dear Dr. Romance:
I have a question for you. I normally don't ask questions like this. But I was looking at your Facebook page and reading some of your responses. Here goes.

I have been with this female for almost 1 year. I really love her a lot. The last month things have changed. We don't spend nearly as much time together as we used to. She has Thyroid Disease and her medicine fluctuates which can change her mood a lot.  We used to meet every morning for a hello, hug and kiss have a good day before work. Took lunch together everyday. Last two weeks we have done neither of the above. She says that she is tired and going home to rest and doesn't have time in the mornings to meet with me. I have asked her if she wanted to continue our relationship and she says that she does. That she wants to be with me. We have planned on having a child together and getting our own house together. Do you feel that she is wanting out and doesn't want to tell me or hurt me? I don't know what to do. I give her space and time but it seems its not enough. I truly don't want to leave her because we have so much fun together. We go camping on the weekends and do pretty much everything together or at least we did. Should I just keep giving her time and see what happens or should I just end it and go on with my life?

Dear Reader:

No wonder you are confused -- you are getting very mixed messages.  It's possible your girlfriend is just going through a difficult time with her health, and really has no energy.  If this is true, she may feel that she has to be "up" and energetic to please you, and she just doesn't have the stamina right now to do it.  So, she's avoiding you.  You might consider whether you are asking too much of her right now. Perhaps she needs to know whether you can be there for her when her health is not good. 

You don't say what your living situations are, but if possible, why don't you try asking if you can come over to her house and pamper her for an evening?  Try thinking about what you can do for her, rather than what she is not doing for you.  Maybe she'd like a nice, quiet evening, watching a movie, Where she doesn't have to entertain you. Maybe you both need to get a little less romantic and more realistic about your relationship. "Couples Can Cooperate for Success"  and How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free (4th Edition)  give you more detailed information on how to create a more mutual relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected] 

Dear Dr. Romance: Even though i dont want to talk to him, i miss him

 Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a college girl doing master degree. I am facing some problems pertaining to my love life and i wan help from u. My relation with my boyfriend is about a year old. After we got committed he is transferred to a different state. We are away from each other for the past 8 months. Meanwhile I have met a guy in my university in my department and i think i can feel some soft corners for him. He proposed me a some days back and after a few days i found myself leaning against him in his arms. Now my boyfriend loves me a lot and is very caring. Though he stays away from me we talk to each other more than twice a day. But i am attracted to this guy of my university. I can't decide what i should do. the guy in my university is moving a step ahead towards sex everyday and i cannot resist him. Neither do i want to breakup with my boyfriend. 

As far as my boyfriend is concerned, i like his sense of commitment and being by me whenever i need him, but as far as career is concerned, his career is not that competent as mine. I come from india and my parents opinion matters a lot to me and they won't accept someone to be my life partner whose career is not better or equally good as mine.

On the other hand the guy in my university is PhD pursuing and has a bright career ahead. But he at times behave quite insensitively. Like a few days back he started such topics that brought tears to my eyes, i left the lab immediately as i couldn't hold back my tears but he didn't make any movement to stop me then, though he called me later and apologized but had my boyfriend been there, he would have immediately stopped me and helped to fight back my tears. My boyfriend loves me this is for sure. He knows the entire situation and everything about the guy in my university. He was very hurt to hear all those but is still in my life and taking care of me and considering that to be a mistake of mine want to keep me in his life. On the other hand yesterday as we were standing close to each other in the lab a senior student came into the lab and bounced back out of the door seeing us together. i was very hurt as if this goes out nobody in the dept will ever respect me. i got very annoyed and asked this guy to stop talking to me and stop meeting me. but since i came home i cannot concentrate on anything. Even though i don't want to talk to him, i miss him. i don't understand what is happening and what i should do. please help me.

Dear Reader:

I understand your problem.  You're caught between what your heart wants and your parents' disapproval. Perhaps you're not quite ready for a commitment to your boyfriend or this other guy.  Maybe you should ask your boyfriend for a break,  during which each of you can date others.  Being apart is difficult, so I can understand why you are having feelings for someone else.  Do you love your boyfriend enough to risk your parents' disapproval?   If not, then you should let him go, don't keep him holding on in vain; he obviously loves you.  If you're not going to ever commit to him, he needs to know that, so he can move on.  This new guy doesn't sound like a good choice.  Yes, he's got a  better job than your boyfriend, but it doesn't sound like he's as good a guy. 

However, neither relationship seems to have a solid foundation, so I think you're not ready to be so serious.  Take some time to figure out what you want out of a relationship. You haven't said anything about what you have in common with either guy, or what your plans for the future are.    Being close to someone and having sex isn't enough to create a solid relationship.  You are in a stage of life now where your options are open.  Maybe you should keep them open until you're more clear about exactly what you want.   "Asking for What you Want"  will help you get more clear with yourself and your boyfriend, and "Stupid Cupid"  will help you understand what you need in a relationship.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction can give you the tools you need to help you deal with your parents better, and figure out what you want from your own life.  That has to come from you, not your parents or your boyfriend. The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before 40  will help you think more clearly, and make good choices.  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

True Beauty: Honor the God or Goddess Within

Dr. Romance writes:

Extreme makeovers are all the rage these days, with botox injections, and reality shows.  Plastic surgery is on the rise. The advent of AI threatens to make the search for unrealistic perfection worse. Many people are trying to match the extraordinary measures actors and actresses go through to look perfect on the screen.  These are shortcuts taken to try to create happiness with a scalpel, a diet, or an implant, and they don’t fulfill their promise.  Beautiful people are not automatically happy people. 

Diva-dum , god-ness, is just a way of expressing the goal of the human quest – to attain the highest expression of the beautiful being you are is not about sex, or perfection, and you can’t get there via technology.  It’s a growth process, a transformation of self through awareness and learning.  It’s about meaning, and being real.  It’s an emotional and spiritual walk, and it requires faith fueled with liberal doses of loving kindness. 

Every day, I have the delight and privilege of loving Richard, my husband, a real, human, fallible man.  We’re about the same age, he’s losing hair, I’ve gained weight.  But, after more than 40 years, we have fused our hearts and souls, if not our personalities.  He clearly loves me, though I often frustrate him, and I am grateful for his presence in my life on a daily basis.  Our sex life is lovely, thank you, even if it doesn’t match movie fantasies.  We laugh together, we share the struggles of daily life together, and the thought that he might die before I do fills me with dread.  All the buffed up male models in the world couldn’t replace my very own, live and kicking, formerly red-haired leprechaun.  It took me 37 years to find him, and I’m not about to replace him with so-called “perfection”.

My friends and I are no more perfect.  We can be cranky, we occasionally carelessly hurt each others’ feelings, they don’t always say the right thing.  But, we are here for each other when we’re really needed, we do our best to be caring and kind, and we forgive each others’ imperfections.

Perfection, particularly media perfection, is highly overrated.  Clients come to my psychotherapy office every day in considerable emotional pain because their lives aren’t “perfect” enough.  They feel inadequate, dissatisfied, hopeless and frustrated because they can’t attain life as they see it on the big screen.  I have to break the news that those people up there have problems in their real lives, too, and refocus my clients on accomplishing normal things that work for them..

All the face creams, cardio workouts, healthy diets, Prozac and meditation tapes in the world aren’t going to make their lives, their bodies, or their mental state much better.  Life is not about remaining young and photogenic.  It’s about growing your soul. 

The only way I know to develop my soul is through feelings.   Awe at natural phenomena (the star-lit heavens, a centuries-old redwood, the gorgeous flowers of the flowering vine at my gate) stretches it, making me yearn and aspire.  Human relationships bruise, batter and comfort it, teaching me resilience and humility.  Love urges my soul to blossom and glow, compassion causes it to blur at the edges, and so I learn to accept others as they are.

The humans in my life are not the narcissistic, self-absorbed “beautiful people” of the screen. We’re ordinary, real, imperfect people, like you: the ones who really keep this country and the world going. Together, we work hard at life, trying to be our best selves, taking care of our families and each other, and striving to bring our personal ethics and aspirations alive in the world.  We come from numerous  backgrounds and religions, we don’t always approve of each other’s decisions, but we care for each other the best we can.  We struggle to be less self-indulgent, more compassionate and understanding.  We try to resist the fads, the manipulations of advertising, the con artists who prey on our weaknesses. We survive through government administrations we don’t agree with, through natural and unnatural disasters that take our loved ones and possessions, through fads and fancies that are often unhealthy.  From each event, we learn, we stretch, we recover, we process the emotional aftermath, and we move on.  These life events are the soul’s workout, and though we may groan and complain, we can feel the growth eventually. 

Recently, a friend in his late 70s, pretty physically battered and a bit stooped over, proved to be one of the most forward-thinking people I know.  Life has beaten him up a bit, but it has not passed him by.  His spirit glows radiantly.   Have you ever seen an elderly person like that?  One whose wisdom shows in his or her eyes, and whose love is not flamboyant, just there in a gentle query about your health, or a brief touch that calms and reassures.  The spirit that shines from within them is true beauty, and it can’t be bought in a jar.

The miracle is, that each of us has the total capacity to achieve this perspective, this fullest embodiment of the highest expression of soul, even as our bodies wear out and crumble.

Here’s a visualization to help you access the god or goddess within, your inner wise person:

Picture a person of seventy or more --just the kind of elder you admire, the one you would like to become.  Financially secure, in good health, surrounded by people who care, good friends and family... active with lots of interests...  Introduce yourself to this elder, and notice your names are the same.... this is you, later in life...  Make an agreement with this ideal older self that you will get advice about what decisions you need to make as life goes on, to live to a healthy and happy state of being . Continue your conversation as long as you wish, and ask what your elder’s secret is for living to such a lovely old age.

Once this contact is established, you can check out your decisions regularly by using this wise mentor within.  For example, how does this inner counselor react to your life choices?  At that advanced age, will you look back on what you’ve done and think it was worth it? Does your wise self approve? Does he or she think your choice will last?  What is the difference between what’s important to you, and what this inner counselor regards as important? 

All the experiences of your life, especially the difficult ones, have taught you valuable skills -- using what you’ve learned in life to help yourself and others can create meaning out of pain.  Buddhist teachers note that poisonous plants and venoms become healing medicines with careful processing,  Every trial that you face has something to teach you and can become a source of wisdom.  This inner counselor will help you access what you know.

It is a very effective tool to help you look at your own life and your decisions from a different and valuable perspective.  The decisions you make today affect the rest of your life, and you are ultimately  the only person to whom you are accountable and for whom you are responsible.  Every new decision is truly a new life’s resolution.  

(c) 2023 Tina B. Tessina adapted from The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty
     

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Am I Ready to Have a Girlfriend?

Dear Dr. Romance:

i hope u are doing good.  You know i really want to show appreciation for all the "Happiness Tips from Tina" newsletters. they are really helping me. really i  should say. i print them and read them just to correct some little mistakes aside the Bible. please i would like u to help me with this question.  I am a young guy who is really confused about love. sometimes i feel like i  need to have a say a girlfriend not for sex but to share my thoughts or something like that but in a nutshell companionship. at times i feel like I'm not ready say my age and not ready to hurt someone. something like that.  please can u help me. all the same sorry for the style of typing. say the  small letters, punctuations and the like. lol. please do forgive me. any, i will be patiently waiting for your reply. please no pressure and do take  care of yourself. peace

Dear Reader:

I'm glad you're enjoying the newsletter. I think it would be wonderful for you to have a companion to share your  thoughts with, and girls are good at that.  If you focus on being friends, you won't risk  hurting anyone.  Please read my article "Make New Friends, Keep Good  Friends" I think it will help.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  has the answers to a lot of your questions. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: What can I do to give her reason to believe in us again?

 Dear Dr. Romance:

I've been reading some of the articles on your web site and thought I would take a chance here.  My wife and I are in the process of getting a divorce. She is divorcing me because she claims she fell out of love with me and no longer wants to be tied down. We have 2 children ages 8 and 10.  Next week the kids are off from school for the week because of vacation. I took the week off to be with them.

The problem for me is I have to spend the majority of my time with them at my old house that I lived in with my wife and kids. I'll be losing the home in the divorce and it hurts to stay there with the kids. I live with my father at the moment and he just doesn't really have the room for me to take them for the entire week. My wife and I talk quite a bit about things and she is the only one that wants the divorce. I'm trying to figure out ways to be able to make the marriage still work but feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I'm hoping maybe with me being back at the house even temporarily that it may bring back some feelings for her. As I said, she just doesn't want to be married but I can't come up with any arguments for her to want to stay. We still have to deal with each other constantly because of the kids. What can I do to give her reason to believe in us again?

We are at the point right now where we will probably have to sell the home because neither of us can come up with enough to buy the other out of the equity in the house.  I'm torn. Part of me says why try and stay with someone that clearly doesn't want me anymore? She claims there was never that crazy in love feeling. Yet she still wants to have sex with me on occasion and do things together with her and the kids. I did love her but now I'm like what am I fighting for anymore. Losing the house, her and the security of family life that I charism so much.

Yet there is something inside of me that wants this to work out. We've been discussing the relationship but she's been pretty much content to be on her own. I can see why because I spend Tuesday night, Wednesday night, and Friday thru Saturday with the kids. I pay half of my take home pay to the household to help support her and the kids and the dogs. Plus I still have to pay for where I am staying at. She doesn't want to lose the house and disrupt the kids anymore than they already have been but my stance on that is the kids have already been disrupted and its better to change things drastically for them now than when they get older and can't deal with the changes as well. She won't do counseling cause she doesn't believe in it and I am at a loss for what to do. I don't want to stay where I'm not wanted and I don't feel I should lose out on everything I have worked for in the last ten + years just to make her happy and make her decision to divorce easier on her. I'm not trying to hurt the kids so how do I protect myself and them at the same time?

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce.  Instead of trying to persuade your wife, try listening very deeply to her instead.  Women tend to want divorces when they feel the man they love doesn't care or understand.  I'm betting that's the problem here.  Before you can solve the problem, you have to find out what the problem really is. What is it about being married to you that she doesn't want?  So, brace yourself, and spend some time listening to her.  Let her complain about you without getting defensive or making excuses.  Just repeat back to her what you hear her saying.  Listening to her doesn't mean you agree, or that she's right, but it will give you a clear idea of what would have to change for her to be interested in keeping the marriage going.   If your wife won't go for counseling, why not go yourself, and get some coaching about how to deal with the problems in a more constructive way.  In my experience, when one spouse goes in for counseling, the other soon wants to come in, too.   "Guidelines for Finding and Using  Therapy Wisely"  will help you find a good counselor.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together can help you fix what's wrong with your marriage.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't want to hear my kids cry anymore

Dear Dr. Romance:

I feel like I am going crazy I don't want to hear my kids cry anymore, I don't have enough money for anything, I don''t have anyone that I can trust to watch my kids, because they are going through some separation anxiety because I am the one that takes care of them day in and day out. I got a little part time job 4 hours a week, but it just still does not seem like enough, I am anxious, tired ,feel like crying all the time I don't know what to do please help.

Dear Reader:

You need to take care of yourself right away.  If you can find someone to watch your kids, don't worry about the kids' separation anxiety.  They'll get over it, and you need the break.  I'm not sure how serious your financial situation is, but if you're in danger of becoming homeless, you can search online for a local woman's shelter, which may take you and your kids in until you get things sorted out, or help you find resources in your area.

If you have any family or friends (or the kids' father) who could help, now's the time to swallow your pride and ask for help.  You need some relief, to get rested up and get your courage back.  "Asking for What You Want" will show you how to get help successfully, "Comforting the Little Orphan Girl"  will teach you how to comfort yourself, "The Courage to Hope"  will lift your spirits, and "Into Every Life"  shows you a way to get through hard times.  You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK. They will offer resources and help. I'm glad you reached out to me, and I hope you'll reach out to others for help and support. 

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  has helpful information, exercises and guidelines for learning to manage your emotional struggles.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: Intuition or Inner knowing

 Dr. Romance writes:

When I met Richard , my husband, October 10, 1981, he was sitting outside, and the sun was glinting off his red hair, and my whole body and soul said "wow!"  We married on May 9, 1982, and all these years later, we’re still happy.  It turned out to be a lasting love at first sight. How did I know?  

I didn’t.  It’s a lovely story, and all true, but it leaves out some important facts.  The truth is that I felt that "wow!" to one degree or another for many guys while I was single. The difference is that with Richard, everything progressed pretty seamlessly from that first day until marriage. He turned out to be a good guy, our chemistry worked, and (with considerable work) we learned how to create a lasting, loving partnership.   Today, we still feel happy and blessed.

 

Our very good luck in having "love at first sight" came true only in hindsight.  No one really knows at the beginning.  Still, that initial flash of insight did exist, and was part of what later developed into lasting love.

 

I trust my intuition in many ways.  If I'm thinking of someone, I call.  Sometimes, that person was hoping I would.  Once or twice, as I've picked up the phone to call, the friend I was calling was already on the line, and the phone hadn't even rung yet.  At times people call me, and I say "You got my message" because I was just thinking of calling them. 

 

Intuition and empathy are basic tools for a good psychotherapist.  In my sessions, I  pay attention to get the meta- communication --  the things clients aren't saying verbally – to help my clients clarify and solve their problems.  I have operated on my intuition, balanced by rational thought, all my life, and it's led me to living a life that is all one piece, blending work, home and relationships, and that  has meaning and joy for me.  It also helps me help my clients learn to use their own intuition.

 

Intuition is not as magical or mysterious as it sounds.  It's a mental tool that uses our perception of things that may not be obvious otherwise, such as someone’s facial expressions, pheromones (subliminal scent cues), past behavior and "vibes" to give us an impression we could not get on a rational level.  Trusting intuition and giving yourself a chance to check it opens up your receiving process -- you become more aware of what's coming your way, and can be open to  it.  Previously in this blog, I’ve explained "preparatory set" a tool our brains use to sort through all the overwhelming data coming  in every moment, and filter out what you don't want to see, and highlight what you do want to see.  This means that when you are open to getting intuitive info, you'll  find it.  Both the positive and negative opportunities and choices are around us all the  time.  Our expectations and perception determine which options we notice most readily.

 

With my therapy clients, I often trust my intuition about what they're thinking, but I am also aware I'm getting clues or "vibes" from them, which my subconscious is interpreting -- and it's pretty accurate.  Clients are often astounded that I seem to know what they're thinking, but it's not  magic -- it's just one more amazing emotional/psychological/mental skill we all have, that my training and experience have fine tuned.  The mind, if we relax and trust it, truly has some miraculous abilities.

 

Intuitive expertise becomes really valuable when you’re looking for love.  Use your intuition to tell if someone is lying – simply go slowly and check the person out as you go along.   If you become aware that you are uncomfortable or afraid in someone’s presence, that’s your intuitive early warning system – pay very close attention and find out what is causing your negative reaction.   If you take the time to get to know a new potential date, you’ll have a chance to check out the validity of both positive and negative intuition,.  By keeping the relationship in the "friends" category, you will know more about the person before taking risks.  If you feel pressured to go faster, see this as a warning.   Begin getting to know a new person in group settings.  By meeting people in safe venues and groups, you automatically begin as friends, and know more about your date before you begin dating. You also get the benefit of your other friends' reactions to your potential date – pay attention to their feedback, they could be right.  Don't let attraction overrule your common sense.  Your libido can't tell an ax murderer from a saint; but your intuition, backed up by rational thought, can.   Look for integrity  make sure your date walks his or her talk. Anyone can talk big. Actually, some of the best people don't present themselves well  don't overlook someone who is not gorgeous, charming and glib, but has all the qualities you really value.

 

Your intuition by itself may not be magic, but when you use it wisely, it can help make your dreams come true. (Adapted from It Ends with You) 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: My Wife is Totally Shut Down

Dear Dr. Romance:

My wife is totally shutdown and she does not know what to do. She wants to talk to someone for help and also for taking a decision that can help her to decide the future of us as a couple if is still possible or not.

I just know that in the end I was very bad at her during this years of marriage. Not because another woman or drugs/alcohol or because of violence.  But I think my character was extremely bad with her that in the end she got tired of all these small but very painful acts.  I know how good you have been with helping me in the newsletter you have sent me and this is why I thought that perhaps you can talk to her and see if there is still time to save our relationship.

I hope that maybe is just a matter that someone like you help us to clear and clean and put order in what we should do and move on. Or perhaps it is too late now. At least I think we deserve a chance to be helped by an expert and by someone that knows how to fix these kind of situations.

This situation has taking me very down as well (deep depression, lack of interest for everything in life, etc, etc) for more than one year. I went to some phsycological help here but the person who helps me was not so good and I do not know of someone else.

While I was reading your article "Apology and Forgiveness" a hard question came to my mind. In your article you said: "You don't have to condemn your partner to be wary of his or her out - of -control or thoughtless behavior. Instead, you can recognize that both of you are fallible human beings, do what is necessary to fix the problems, and then forgive each other."

What if the only solution is the divorce ? I think we have hurt too much each other. Not because of another man or another woman or any of us cheating. I think that during our marriage (15 years), she became another person. A person that you will not expect to give you a kiss, comfort, support, or most of times.. a conversation. My feelings are too high for her but there is just one way. I give love but I do not receive.

I think that in the end, I should give without expecting to receive (even the Bible mentions that) but I think that my reserves of love finally are empty. I am tired of give and give and give and it hurts. So, while I was reading your message I thought that maybe the necessary action we need to do to fix the problem is to have the courage and accept that this is not working. We have discussed several times about that but nothing changes so, in the end it seems that this is the only and better way to fix the problem. What really hurts is also because we have kids. For me is even hard because I love them too much but I think I am hurting myself too much as well in this role of giving love and not receiving anything at all. Anyway, I do not want to extend anymore.

Basically your point to do all necessary to "fix the problem" made me think of a divorce as the necessary action to fix the problem.  Thanks for the great job you do in helping a lot of confused, missing and sad souls around the world !!

Dear Reader:

It sounds like you two still care about each other, but don't know how to repair the damage that has been done. I think your wife is hurt, too, and that's why she shut down. It would be a shame to let your marriage go if it can be fixed. I'm sorry the counselor you got was not good, but I still strongly recommend that you get counseling. It's important for you and your wife to be able to hear each other, and it sounds like you need help doing that.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  will help you find a more effective therapist. Take advantage of  the free "Happiness Tips" articles. They will give you a lot of help in healing what has gone wrong in your marriage.

If you two get some help, I think you can fix the marriage. If that doesn't work, I still think you can have a good relationship with someone else, if you correct your past behavior and attitude problems.  "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship" will explain the difference between a relationship that works and one that doesn't.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will give you a model for a functional relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I feel like I am a maid and a sex toy not a wife

Dear Dr. Romance:
Me and my husband just recently celebrated our 20 year anniversary.  I bought my husband a small gift and when I ask what he got me- he told me I was not worth getting anything. This really hurt, my husband does not show any kind of affection or consideration for other people's feelings. When he is confronted he just replies "You knew this when you married me."  But this is the least of the problems: he refuses to "man up" and be a father to his two boys- the older one is about to graduate from high school and constantly is getting in trouble and my youngest son is in his early teens. My husband talks down women in general and my older son has learned from this and absolutely hates any kind of authority especially from women. I can't talk to him because he acts and says everything just like my husband- he is an exact clone of my husband!! When I ask my husband for help with the kids, he says I am shitting on him by telling him my problems with the kids and to just leave him alone. I really can't go on living like this. I feel like I am a maid and a sex toy not a wife. Any advice would be very helpful.

Dear Reader:
I'm very sorry to hear of your difficulty.  This is going to be a tough fix, since you have put up with your husband's bad behavior for twenty years.  During that time, he has gotten more and more comfortable in his rigid thinking and anger.  It sounds as if you're afraid of him, and I'm not surprised.  You are going to need support to help you fix your situation.  It's not likely your husband will change, unless something drastic happens to shake him out of his set ways.  That something drastic might be his son getting into severe trouble, or you leaving him, but there's no guarantee that even that would get through to him that he's got problems.  I'm not sure where you live, but there is probably free or low-cost counseling available, that would help you think through what to do about your situation. Try your local community or county mental health department, or call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. 

If possible, you would also benefit from attending Adult Children of Alcoholics (whether the name fits you or not, you have the symptoms) meetings, which are free, or take a donation.  You can find ACA meetings here  . At least try a meeting or two.   "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship" will help you understand how much trouble your relationship is in and "Family Violence Q & A"  will help you get out of your situation. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  has all the information and exercises you need to begin to understand and change the dysfunction.    

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I want my wife and family back.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I saw your article "The One Who Got Away " about getting back together with your ex.

Can this really happen? My wife is divorcing me because she has fallen out of love with me. We aren't divorced yet but are in the process by going to a mediator. It's something I do not want to happen. We have two beautiful kids together. I spend as much time as possible with them and my stbx does everything in her power to keep me in the loop of things. But she lost belief in the fact that we would ever be able to have things like other people do. She finally went to work full time now that she is trying to get the house. If she would have been willing to do that when we were together our financial problems would have been gone. It was like she expected me to do the majority of the work, but she was the one we sent to school to get the degree for 2 years. Anyway. If there are any steps you can offer me to take to keep this from deteriorating any further I would appreciate hearing them. I want my wife and family back. By the way there was no cheating, no abuse, good sex life. She just couldn't talk to me and tell me what was bothering her. Thank again for any help.

Dear Reader:

It's no use saying "If she would have been willing..."  You can say the same thing about yourself. If you had been willing to listen, this problem would not be happening.  Yes, you can probably fix your marriage, but in order to do so, you must listen to your wife (she needs to listen to you, too, but I'm not talking with her here.)   You're blaming her. That will do you no good.  Find out what you should have been doing, because you can fix that.

Ask her if she's willing to tell you what went wrong for her, and don't  argue or make excuses.  Just listen, and seek to understand things from her point of view.  You two don't have a partnership, and that's what a good marriage requires.   "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship"  will show you what is wrong.  Share the article with your wife.  "Apology and Forgiveness" will help you put the past to rest and start over. "Couples Can Cooperate for Success"  will show you how to learn to work together, and creating a loving, healthy marriage and family.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will teach you the skills you need to know to make your marriage a happy one. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Older Women Dating Younger Men

Dr. Romance gets letters about older women dating younger men; which appears to be shocking to some people, but I don’t find it so unusual. 

Why would a younger man want to date an older woman?   Who isn't attracted to success, smarts and experience?  Young men can find this just as attractive in an older woman as in anyone else. Perhaps he enjoys the mentoring, perhaps just the emotional stability of an older woman who knows her mind and her heart.  These relationships can last; it’s not age that makes the difference, but how well the couple build trust, partnership and a life together.

Socially, there is a role reversal of sorts going on, women are more powerful, and may want men who are younger and therefore, more flexible:  men who can handle it if the woman's career and lifestyle are more important.  Media images are also showing women that dates don't have to be older. Women who have high-powered careers or a well-developed self-image and want freedom and flexibility are exercising more choice.  Women who have been divorced and are established single moms may enjoy having a playmate, someone to have fun with; who doesn’t try to control her.

In my counseling office, I have seen many relationships succeed with this kind of older woman/younger man scenario.  The media focuses on the age difference, but what really makes or breaks the relationship is how well the couple can form a partnership or team that works.

Age difference is an adolescent worry: when you're a teenager, an age difference of even two or three years makes a vast difference in your experience and your outlook on life.  Such a difference can interfere with communication, life goals, outlook, and relationship experience.  In addition, for the young, the social reaction to such a relationship is often very negative.  If one partner is underage, a sexual relationship is even against the law. 

But, as you get older, life experience and emotional growth help to equalize your relationship skills and resources.  A ten‑year or more difference in your ages makes little difference in how well you can conduct your relationship.  

Don't focus on an arbitrary numbers difference in your ages. If you are getting along, you have good communication and problem‑solving, and you love each other, that's a precious thing, and far more important than any age difference could be. If other people have a problem with it, let it be their problem.

Whether or not a relationship is healthy is not determined by age differences, but by the interaction between the partners.  A ten‑year difference is not too difficult to bridge, but differences of twenty years or more in age can lead to some difficulties as the partners get older.  For example, the younger partner may mature and reconsider his or her choices, or an older partner may confront aging problems much sooner.  But, as long as both parties are adult, and the couple has talked about their age difference and the future possibilities, I don't make judgments about their respective ages.

The reasons some people choose to date individuals much younger (or older) than themselves are myriad, and often go back to childhood.  There are healthy and unhealthy reasons to date someone of a different generation.  One inappropriate motivation for dating a younger person is fear of aging on the older person's part.  A younger partner isn’t going to reverse the aging process or protect you from old age.   Obviously, a man or woman who dates someone as young as his or her children is going to run into some social opposition, but the differences that can cause the biggest problems within the couple relationship are differing maturity levels.

As more and more women choose younger partners for relationships, the question arises: Are women in their late 30's and early 40's are likely to be successful with partners who are 10 ‑ 15 years younger than themselves?

Success in these relationships depends on what the motivations of both people are.  Some older people feel younger at heart than their contemporaries, and like to date people who are as active as they are.  Chronological age doesn't always reflect either physical capability or emotional maturity.  Sometimes an age difference is a mentoring relationship ‑‑ the older person advises the younger one on life or career.  This can backfire if and when the younger person decides he or she has learned enough, and wants to move on.

If you’re asking: “Is it OK for me to have a partner who is much older or younger than I am?” You’ll do better if you forget about your ages, and concentrate on whether the relationship works for both of you, or not.  What really makes a romantic relationship succeed is the emotional connection, rather than external appearance.  Men are more visually focused.  A woman who connects with a much younger man may be powerful in career, and looking for someone to play with.  It's difficult to tell without knowing the couple.

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will help you create a loving relationship, no matter how different you may be from your partner.

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty helps mature women of any age create happier lives for themselves

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Perhaps my desire will never be realized

Dear Dr. Romance,

Not knowing just where to begin, I will simply state that I am a man in my mid-fifties, who possesses exceptional health and fitness, and who has been in love with a much younger woman, (mid-thirties), for many years and who has just lost her husband through death.  

First of all, please recognize that I do feel not joy in the loss of my friends husband.  She and I both have experienced divorce of our spouses over the years we have known each other but most recently, she has lost her third husband through suicide.       

I certainly am sensitive to the fact that she will be going through a grieving process for an unknown amount of time and that I do not intend, in any way other than as a close friend, to bring her and her children comfort and some financial help.  She has absolutely no knowledge of my feelings for her and I do not want to bring any more confusion into her already chaotic life than what is already there. 

May I simply ask how to tenderly, genuinely, and respectfully introduce to her, as a close friend of her and her family for over 20 years, the fact that I am in love with her and have been for so many years?  I will, as always, respect and honor this woman; for what is love without honor and sacrifice.  But I am not just a little concerned about the age gap, nor do I take lightly the fact that we both have gone through some life changes in our past.   

Perhaps my desire will never be realized, but I feel that I must at least make the attempt, at the proper time, and in the proper way.  I will remain a man of honor until my own death, but until then, I wish to strive to give all that I can give with a pure and chaste heart to a woman that simply fills my heart with desire and love.

Dear Reader:
 
Your chances are probably good, if you continue to be patient.  Twenty years is not that much of an age gap, at your stage of life.  Your friend needs a friend right now, not a suitor.  So, please do not bring this subject up.  Just be there for her in any appropriate way you can.  Offer to help her with things around the house that need doing, if you're capable.  When you're going grocery shopping, or to the library, call and ask her if there's anything she needs.  Invite her out to a movie, not as a date, but because you think she'd be interested. 

Please, whatever you do, don't get romantic during the movie.  Just be her friend.  She'll need, at the very least, a year to recover from her grief -- perhaps more, if she feels guilty about the suicide, as surviving spouses often do.  Make time to listen to her, call and see if she's doing OK, just be that close friend that you are.  Statistics show that widows frequently turn to a neighbor or family friend in their time of loss, and if the friend is supportive, but does not pressure them in any way, the relationship often turns into a new marriage.

You sound like a very respectful and caring man, so just be her good friend.  She's probably comfortable around you, and if you create opportunities to be together (if she has children, offer to accompany her to their school games and events, as a friend) your companionship may very well grow into something much more.   "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again"  will help you be understanding about her grief and Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences can help you slowly develop a healthy relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I cannot compete with a dead man

 Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm a sixty something divorced man, I have not had a  relationship for a long time. Last year, I met a wonderful lady from Colombia, who is a little bit younger, well educated and has a green card here.  She has taken me out of my loneliness and made me feel alive again.  Her late husband was killed by the guerrilla in  Colombia. She has told me how wonderful he was and how much they  love each other and that is fine. I'm happy that she have good memories, but she  keeps bringing him back, I told her that I can not compete with a  dead man, she tells me that is a different feeling and how happy and  how much she loves me. 

The other day she was on the phone with a relative in Colombia telling her how happy she was for the first time in so many years and  how wonderful I was, what a wonderful time she was having and how  eager she was for them to meet me. Then, all of the sudden she answered "No I will never forget  him" ( her late husband). Maybe they were trying to make her feel guilty or maybe I'm insecure and over reacting, she keeps talking about the future and in terms of a long relationship and how wonderful our lives are and will be,  and she makes me so happy, but one thing for sure is I'm confused and afraid to be lonely again.

 Could you please help me

Dear Reader:

Do you understand that you're jealous of a ghost?  It's natural for a surviving spouse to idealize someone she lost in such a horrific way.  She has some survivor guilt, and also it sounds like some cultural/family pressure.  None of this will make her leave you or fall out of love with you.  If she had lost a child and talked about him, would that upset you?

You have to let go of your fear and jealousy about her dead husband.  It's  healthy for her to talk about him and things they did together, when being with you reminds her of her previous marriage.  If you don't get upset, and just let her talk, these memories will fade, and eventually talking about her late husband will stop.  The more upset you get, the more you push her away.  Please read my article "Handling the Green-Eyed Monster"   Don't let your own insecurity ruin this relationship.  A dead man is no competition for you.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free (4th Edition) can help you and your lady friend overcome jealousy, and learn to communicate effectively.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I just want my husband and best friend back

Dear Dr. Romance:

My husband and I married more than five years ago, in our early 30s.  We had a good marriage. We agreed that if we would sit down and talk things out should we have issues.  We always held true to that until his mom died several months ago.  He was very close to his mom but she had  cancer. I cared for her for a year and a half.  She died sooner than expected, and when she died - he became very distant, and could not sit still at the house - he always wanted to be doing something.  I made made the majority of the money, but I lost my job and I could not find another in my line of work. With no warning, he told me he wanted a divorce - I was devastated.  We talked the next day and three days later he came home and said he did not want a divorce- two weeks later he pulled the same stunt and left again.  He moved in with his father and continued to live there.  We were divorced last spring, and I fought it the whole way.  My parents and his dad think he became overwhelmed with his mothers death and the bills we had that he could not pay on his own.  My question is... I want to reconcile, but I am not sure how to let him know this.  Can you give me some advice? He has told a mutual friend he still loves me but there is someone better for me out there.  Please help... I just want my husband and best friend back.

Dear Reader:
 
I'm so sorry for your husband's loss, and your difficulties.  Your ex-husband needs grief counseling.  He is not grieving normally -- Instead, he's trying to run away from it.  That's like trying to run from himself, so he runs from you, also.   I think it would be a good idea for you to contact him and let him know you still care.  He's very down on himself, so he doesn't feel worthy of you.  Let him know that you care, but don't go back to living with him or agree to re-marry him until he gets counseling.  Otherwise, he will just run again.  Go with him to counseling if he won't go alone.  Read  "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" and "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" for guidance in knowing what to do.   If he's willing, my eBook course,  "Grief: What it is, Why we have it, and How to get through it"  will help him through his grief

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance on The One Who Got Away

When Dr. Romance was a girl, growing up in the small township of Rockland, New York, there was a tiny post office, which was a small room with a separate entry in the house next door. Rockland’s official postmistress was Clara Weiss, who seemed very elderly even when I was a very small child. She was what we used to call a “maiden lady” or spinster, who had dedicated her life to taking care of her mother, who was disabled, and also not quite balanced. Mrs. Weiss had one leg, and frequently escaped from the house and crawled around the yard, yelling strange things. Clara, as you might suppose, did not have much of a social life. After her mother died, and Rockland lost its tiny post office (we had to go into the slightly larger town of Roscoe, a mile away) Clara went to work in the central post office, about 20 miles away. There, she met a co-worker, and when she was 73 years old, I remember that we gave her a bridal lingerie shower. It really is never too late to fall in love. Clara moved away to live with her husband, and they had about 10 good years together.

A number of years ago, a friend and former student of Richard’s, who was in her 70's reconnected with an ex whose marriage proposal she had rejected in her 20's, because he had a drinking problem. In the intervening years, they both married other people, had children and full lives. Fifty years after their first romance, when both were widowed, he tracked her down, she went down to San Diego to meet him for lunch, and didn’t return for a week. They, too, married, and had some happy years together.

A very dear friend of mine, who lives in another city and has been divorced for many years, has been living happily for a several years with the man she met in college and decided not to marry. They had each married other people, had children, divorced years ago and reconnected last year. They are happy together.

In addition to these stories of reconnected love, I often see clients in my practice who get back together after breaking up or divorcing. In fact, some couples come to me after they have broken up several times because of fighting and disagreements, but something always pulls them back together. Surprisingly enough, many people do start dating again after they've divorced or split up. I believe in the power of love, and if your heart is yearning; It’s fine to reach out to a first or former love; as long as you do it properly.

You may never have really resolved the old relationship satisfactorily, or one or both of you may have matured and become a more suitable candidate for a relationship. Lots of people find out they appreciate each other more after they've been apart for a while. Also, as I said, I've seen a number of couples re-connect joyously much later in life, after having marriages and families with other partners.

It depends on how accurate your memory is, and how good or bad the reality feels. If it's good, then you really think it was love at first sight. If it's bad, you are left with what was I thinking? It's very easy to idealize someone you've never known well; the reality never impinges on the fantasy, so the ideal person doesn't tarnish. You remember a rosy picture of perfection. That's difficult to let go of, if you never get a reality check.

Can this really work, or will it just fall apart again? Here’s how to see if you and your ex can make it work.

Dr. Romance’s Guidelines for Improving the Odds with your Ex

* Consider seeing a therapist on your own, to get expert help to decide if you’re searching for this old love for the right reasons; and to help you get some perspective on what might need to be corrected.
* Make a careful first contact: strictly Hi, how are you doing? For example, if you see the old love on Facebook, try sending a message and asking to be friends. Don't say anything about still having feelings. Your old love may very well be married now, or even gay. You need to find out what's going on before making a move.
* Be aware whether forgiveness is needed. Did you hurt this person's feelings way back in college? Were you hurt? Old, unresolved feelings can hang around a long time, and erupt when you least expect it.
* If you get a positive response, go very slowly. Rushing into things means you’re trying to avoid some truths. If it’s going to work, it will go better if you take the time to build a better foundation than you had before.
* Treat it like a new relationship. Start from the beginning, and do it differently -- it could work this time.
* Analyze what went wrong the last time, and consciously try to fix the old problems. If you cannot talk honestly about what went wrong and what to do differently, you’ll never change anything.
* Make sure your ex is as determined to improve on the old relationship as you are. If he or she is blaming you for everything that went wrong, disaster is immanent. If you’re blaming your ex, it’s just as big a problem.
* Insist on couples therapy for both of you. Pre commitment therapy can help you find out the pitfalls and whether you’ve solved the old problems.

After all this, you might still find it’s too late to remedy the problem that led to the breakup. You may discover you’re clinging to a fantasy that is not supported by reality. If you try to re-kindle an old love, and it doesn’t work, then you’re faced with letting go – again.

You might even have the urge to try harder because breaking up finally gets through the denial and the fantasy that behaving badly or not cooperating is OK. We also have a lot of cultural mythology about I'll never stop loving you which says clinging and martyring to this lost love means you are truly in love. But clinging to an impossible lost love is unrealistic.

You must understand that a relationship is a partnership, and requires work from both partners in order to succeed. The initial romance stage isn't supposed to last, the relationship is supposed to grow into a real life partnership, and that requires paying attention, learning and growth. It's not a fairy tale-- it's a real life love story, and well worth the work required. If you give nothing, you get nothing. Love is something we create by working together, and one person can’t force it.

Clinging to a lost love can turn toxic: persisting in showing up at your ex's house, calling or showing up at work, threatening physical harm, calling your ex’s family and friends, or otherwise interfere with his or her life, will not only push your ex away, it is illegal in many states, and defined as stalking. Sometimes, clinging is encouraged, wittingly or unwittingly, by an ex who doesn't really want to be with you, but who either doesn't want to 'hurt you' or is still getting benefits (financial help, sex without commitment, you do the laundry, you're willing to take the kids more than your share) that he or she doesn't want to jeopardize. But this one-sided arrangement will not make you happy, and it’s probably time to move on.

Once you're bonded with someone, it's very painful to let go. Since most of us like to avoid our feelings, we don't want to do the grieving that's necessary to let go. But, when you've had a loss, there are a certain number of tears you must cry to let go -- getting on with the crying is the fastest way. Also, the dissolution of the relationship might not have been your idea, so you're clinging to a dream -- in denial. And letting go is the path to finding the love you want.

I wish you love – whether it is rekindled, or you move on and create something brand new.

Excerpted from How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't have the strength to file for divorce

 Dear Dr. Romance,

I have been separated for almost 2 years now but don't have the strength  to file for divorce. In part this is because I feel bad (I decided to  separate because I was unhappy) and he has no immediate family in the US,  but also because of our daughter (her Christmas wish last year was "that mom and dad be together again"). I don't think I love him any more but I  certainly care about him because he is a good person overall. He has  improved a lot but unfortunately I think this came too late to save the  relationship. I think he is still hopeful although he never said anything  (this is part of the problem, he is never pro-active). And it is breaking my heart to know how much my daughter wants us to be together again - I am  worried that I am wrecking her life. What should I do???

Dear Reader:

I'm also worried that you're wrecking your daughter's life for no good reason. It takes work to build a marriage, and it sounds like you just opted out without seeing if you could solve the problems.  "I don't think I love him any more." is not a good excuse for destroying your family.  Long-term marital love must be built -- it doesn't just happen.  If he's a good person, but somewhat passive, and he's already improved, why don't you try improving, too?  Start your new year by re-starting your marriage.  You can show him how to be pro-active. The two of you can get counseling for your marriage, read books, figure out how to work better together.  You have to create your happiness, it doesn't just happen to you.

"Asking for What You Want", "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" and "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" will get you started on rebuilding this marriage. How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will give you a new definition of marriage that is more successful.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: She makes me feel like I'm worthless

Dear Dr. Romance:

I was reading an article that you have written and it caught my attention. I'm in an relationship where the lady is older then me. it started off great then six months later its like reality hit hard, i love this lady so much she makes me feel like I don't have a care in the world. then sometimes she makes me feel like I'm worthless. i think our biggest problems consist of where she has two kids and that I cant provide like I should be able to, she is 26 and I'm 20. please tell me what i should do, your my last life line. thank you and have a blessed day, 

Dear Reader: 
You are both pretty young to be saddled with so much responsibility. Your lady friend is probably stressed about finances, and when she's worried, she takes it out on you.  Your age difference is not too great for your relationship to succeed, but you need to be sure you're acting like an adult, taking as much responsibility as you can, being helpful to her and creating a partnership with her to make it work.  She already has two kids, she doesn't need you acting like a third kid, being needy and demanding her attention.   "Asking for What You Want" and "Stop Reacting and Start Relating"  can help you learn to solve problems without fighting,  How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together is exactly the book you both need to learn how to build a successful relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: My parents do not agree with the relationship at all

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read "Age Differences in Dating". I am 20 and in a mature, very passionate and understanding relationship with a man in his mid forties. I met him at work and we have been together almost a year. My parents do not agree with the relationship at all and have told me they don't want me apart of their family if I stay with him and can never accept it. I was hoping you may have some advice on how to ease the subject on them once more. 

Dear Reader:
Your parents are worried for your well-being and safety, and they probably don't trust a fortysomething old man who'd date a 20 year old. They may have a point.  What they're trying to do is pressure you not to date him, which probably won't work anyway.  Just please be careful, go very slowly in this relationship, and make sure you're not being used.  Once your parents see that the two of you are serious, that he's not a married man who's using you, and that your relationship is aboveboard and honest, they'll probably relax. In the meantime, let them know that you love them, too, and you'll take good care of yourself.  Read my articles "Coping with Critics"  at which will help you deal with your parents, and "Stupid Cupid" which will help you make sure your relationship succeeds.  You'll get a lot of help and support from How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free , which is designed to help any couple create a healthy, successful relationship, even if the people around them disapprove. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: What behavior does a control freak have?

 Dear Dr. Romance:

 I recently read "Could He/She be a Control Freak?"   and I suddenly  found information that seemed to pertain to a failed marriage that I was still pondering about.  I am wondering, if a person had a chaotic  childhood and teens growing up, like you mentioned, do those types of people blame others for things?   Do they say the other person is the controller?  Do they not see any responsibility on their part for things   and only blame others?  Could they easily become upset and lock themselves in their room and maybe not speak to you for a day or so?
 
 Just curious about the types of behaviors control freaks may have.

 Dear Reader:

Yes, these actions sound like the survivor of a chaotic childhood.  For this person, it's really important to blame someone else, to deflect the ensuing storm from him-or herself.  The problem with this person is, the traumatized child from the past is still running the show.  At the least upset, the person reverts to early childhood, and reacts in the same way he or she did then.

Because the early trauma is not resolved or healed, the person lives as though the childhood chaos could come back at any minute. Thus, the traumatized person tries to control the environment (including others in proximity,)  is hyper-vigilant (ultra alert for impending doom) and emotionally over-reactive.  "Mirrors and Teachers" shows you a simple way to handle these people better, "Self Control: Who’s in Charge Here?" explains the difference between controlling others and yourself.   It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction,  will explain controlling and other types of dysfunction  more thoroughly, and is designed to help heal early trauma. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected] 

Dr. Romance on: The Power of Politeness

Dr. Romance  writes:

Politeness and sensitivity are not held in high esteem in the media these days.  The nastiest politicians get the most air time.  Many media spokespeople, stars and commentators, crazy fascist militias, nasty radio talk show stars and “edgy” comedians; as well as personalities like the judges on talent reality shows and certain game show hosts achieve success by putting people down and making fun of them.   Sports are now about doping and winning at all costs, and the old ideals of sportsmanship seem to be lost.

 

Yet, recently I notice the people who have always been kind and pleasant, like talk show host Ellen Degeneres seem to have succeeded anyway. Could it be, after all, that being polite might win out over being “in your face” and  “edgy”?

 

There’s no accounting for media taste, it seems to sink to the lowest common denominator at least as often as it rises above the average.  But, in your personal life, politeness, consideration and caring will always be more successful than any other way of treating others. 

 

Politeness and consideration are powerful.  We all want to be liked, to be cared about and to be treated gently.  We’re human, so we don’t always succeed in behaving our best.  But, the more kindness and consideration we send out, the more returns to us. 

 

Rules of etiquette exist because to create civilization, we need boundaries.  The rules of polite behavior may sometimes feel restrictive, but when people use them, they make new and awkward situations more comfortable.  Etiquette is just a prescribed way of being polite and considerate to others.  As we get to know each other better, we can relax the rules, but keeping the attitudes of consideration and respect guarantees a more successful connection.

                                   

 

Guidelines for being better understood.    

 

1, Seek first to understand.  If you know  the other person’s frame of reference, you can speak to him/her within it.

2. Pay attention to how your words are landing.  If your companion's response looks off the mark for what you said, check out what he/she is hearing....

 

3.  Switch from problem to solution as quickly as possible.  Focus on the problem only long enough to understand it – then move your attention to finding a solution that would work for everyone, rather than who's right or wrong.

 

4. Separate emotion from solution.  If one or both of you are upset, irrational or reactive, you aren't communicating.  Take a break and try again in a few minutes, when both of you have calmed down.

 

5. Don't beat dead horses.  If you've been over the same ground several times with no forward movement, get some help. An objective third party can work wonders.

 

6. Be nice. Strive to create a cooperative atmosphere, and consider the other person’s feelings.

 

7.  Remember, “what goes around, comes around” and consider how you’d like to be treated before reacting to someone else.

(Adapted From It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction © 2014 Tina B. Tessina )

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I do not feel like having sex

Dear Dr. Romance:

How are you ? I read your article "Is Dating Scary? Here’s what to do"

I have a question. I am separated since three years and seems like will get divorce in 3 to 4 months. I have a 3 year old kid and my delivery involved 4th degree tear with perineal tear.

My face and figure is still beautiful but Now I have stretch marks on hips breast and I have this low-esteem as I have bit of urine leakage now and then as an after affect of 4th degree tear . Also my vagina looks weird and feels  loose.

I do not feel confident about new relationship . I feel insecure and feel like no one will love me. I do not feel like having sex. 

In short I am deliberately not looking for new relationship as do not want to get hurt. Any suggestions?

Dear Reader:

You are not a kid any more, so you need to look for a more grown-up relationship.  You need someone who will be a good match for a grown woman with a child.  Start by making adult friends.  Join groups of parents with children, or join a community organization.  There you'll make friends who care about you, not because you're beautiful, but because you're a caring human being.  Before long, someone will stand out as special, and also think you are special.  You will already know something about this person, from being around him for a while at the group, so it will be easier to establish a connection.  "10 Reasons For Not Falling in Love" "Where is love", "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" and "True Beauty: Honor the God or Goddess in You"  will help you overcome your reluctance to get to know new people and find the love you want.  The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will show you how to re-evaluate your self-image and your life.

Your vaginal problems may be correctible with medical help.  Please ask your doctor.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Is quitting the right thing to do?

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I need your advice. at my workplace when I was hired one of the colleague asked me what is your age I remember casually I said I am 38 ,I did not even had a hint of what was going on. after a month people were celebrating some bodies birthday and then I came to know that they write every bodies age on a calendar and they celebrate the milestone(10's) ,that sent me into spin; now this year as per calendar I am 40 but really 41 and some how I happen to avoid the celebration and took vacation but when I came back right after 2 weeks I was surprised they arranged my 40th ,I am feeling so embarrassed and hurt you don't have a imagination, I had no idea a casual answer will land me into this situation, now I don't feel like eating or going to work neither I want to quit this job, this is vey good job. people can really see the disappointment on my face also It is not easy to admit this  stupidity it really will hurt my image what do you suggest to help me. I am very down to earth, humble person. I have learnt my lesson. Is there any way out of this mess, is quitting is right thing to do?
 
Dear Reader:

I understand that you are embarrassed that you said you were one year younger than you are, but I don't see why it's such a big problem.  What is hurtful about this? You're making a very big deal out of a small problem.  Either decide to tell the person who arranges the birthday celebrations that the date is off by one year, or let it go.  It will be nine more years before the topic comes up again, and you might not even be there.  It's only a mistake, not a crime.  Of course it's not necessary to quit your job.  It's up to you whether you correct the mistake or not.  No one will be upset.  Please read my article "Your Primary Relationship"  which will help you to take better care of yourself.

You might also like It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction which will help you understand how you got so self-conscious, and build your self esteem. 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth will help you improve your happiness and build your self-worth.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I've been going crazy this past week and I needed help.

 Dear Dr. Romance:
   I've been going crazy this past week and I needed help.  I won't tell you my life story but I just wanted to tell you that the Tips for Happiness articles on your page gave me a lot of the tools I KNEW I needed.  The problem is that I've had that "internal war" [ see: "Winning the War Within"] you described going on and I haven't been able to figure out where to start to get myself better. Anyhow, there's too much to explain and I'm sure you're a busy woman, I just wanted to send you a quick and huge THANK YOU for putting your wisdom out there for everyone to benefit from. God Bless you.

Dear Reader:

Many thanks for writing.  It's good to hear that my writing has been helpful to you. You might want to try reading  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction.  It will help you control the chaos in your life and understand why you're at war with yourself, and what to do about it.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance on Less Talk, More Action

Dr. Romance writes:

Those of you who have read my articles know that I am always talking about the importance of good communication, urging better communication, and giving skills for being better understood. Communication is one of the most important aspects of relationships; positive and negative. However, talk is not necessarily communication; and there are lots of non-verbal ways to communicate.

Most of my clients waste a lot of time and energy, and develop resentment by making big announcements about things If you don't start picking up your clothes, I'm going to send them to Good Will If you won't help me, I'll do it myself “If I ever catch you cheating, I’ll leave” or the classic, We need to go to counseling.

I am all for good communication, but if you've tried to communicate, and it's not working, it's time to adopt the Nike slogan and "Just Do It".

My beloved Richard loves to tell this story of his parents: His mom said to his dad: "Wouldn't it be nice to remove this wall and make the living room bigger?" His Dad just sort of grunted assent. When he came back to the house from working on the farm the next day, she had taken a sledgehammer and smashed a big hole in the wall, which meant they had to finish the job.

Richard likes to laugh about that, because it shows what a dynamo his mother was, and that she'd get done whatever needed doing. He also says he's careful what he says yes to, because he knows I'm going to follow up on it.

Whining, complaining, nagging and making snide comments are not the same as asking for what you want. Yelling, pouting, temper tantrums and hissy fits are also not effective communication. If you think your partner won't or can't work with you, these techniques are useless, and usually make the problem worse. Fighting about something over and over is an excellent indication that you’re not effectively communicating.

There’s an effective technique/skill that will work in these situations: Ask directly for what you want; then, if you’re not getting any cooperation, you can bypass all the struggle, hassle and arguing: Stop talking about it and just solve the problem.

This is probably the most powerful encouragement for your partner to join in and agree to negotiate, because he or she does not get to be part of the solution, and loses the power to stop or stall you. This is not done in a spirit of: "OK, you won't negotiate, so I'll show you," but in a spirit of "I understand that you don't want discuss this, so I'll have to solve it for myself, as best I can. When you are ready to cooperate and negotiate, I'll be available." I have written about this before, as a technique called “solve it for yourself.” The emphasis here is on don’t keep talking about it; just solve it for yourself.

There are several benefits to this approach:
* It is liberating to assert yourself on your own behalf and to realize you don't have to have your partner's participation to be satisfied, yet you also don’t have to shut him or her out, or be unkind.

* You no longer have the problem you were concerned about.

* You can still have a good, loving, relationship, because you have shut your partner out (the option to negotiate is always open) and you aren't feeling frustrated, angry and deprived.

* It takes the pressure off your partner, and increases the likelihood that he or she will relax and be less defensive and more interested.

* It prevents you from being helpless and frustrated, so you are more able to welcome your partner's cooperation when he or she offers it.

The key to solving the problem instead of repeatedly talking about it is a belief that there is a satisfactory solution. Caring about your partner's wants and needs (as well as your own) is central to cooperation, but you cannot effectively meet your partner's needs without his or her help. When your partner refuses to help solve the problem, you have no choice but to focus on doing it alone until you get cooperation. As long as you offer every opportunity to cooperate and you extend an invitation to your partner to join you whenever he or she wishes, you are free to focus your attention on solving the problem for yourself. If you try to please your partner at your own expense, there is no chance for both of you to be satisfied. Once you’ve tried to cooperate without getting support, the best solution is a course of action that puts you in control of your well-being and separates you from the effect of your partner’s resistance.

The following steps ensure you can be sure you've given your partner ample opportunity to cooperate, and you're not overreacting.

Guidelines For Solving It Yourself

1. Be sure you've made a thorough attempt to negotiate. Don’t go to Solving it for Yourself until you’ve made an honest effort to engage your partner in negotiation; not just fighting.

2. Tell your partner what you are doing. State clearly that you have attempted to negotiate the problem, that your assessment is that your partner doesn't want to work on it, that you would prefer to work on it together, but that you've decided what you are going to do about it on your own. You might want to say you’re sad to have to do this, and you’re protecting what's good about the relationship. It’s very important to be able to do this calmly and definitely.

3. Invite your partner to negotiate at any time. Say that you are going to follow your own solution, but that you are open to discussing it at any time. This is your open invitation to negotiate, which keeps it from becoming become a power play.

4. Communicate your good will. Let your partner know that you value him or her and the partnership, and you don't like having to make unilateral decisions, but you feel you have no choice, because your partner won’t work on it with you.

5. Be sure your solution solves the problem for you, even if you think your partner may not like it. If the solution works for both of you, the problem is solved, and needs no further discussion. if your partner is not satisfied with your solution, he or she has already been invited to negotiate, and being left out is a powerful incentive. To get a different perspective, imagine what you would do about the problem if your partner weren't part of it. What would you do if your best friend were involved? Considering a relationship problem from the vantage point of a single person often points out places where you're being needlessly dependent.

Hopefully, you will seldom need to solve a problem without your partner's cooperation, but knowing you can solve the problem for yourself and still leave the door open to your partner's participation means you can remain calm and gentle in the face of a partner's reluctance to cooperate. You don’t have to wait for a reluctant partner to do it with you, as long as you let your partner know what you’re doing in advance.
This will certainly be better for your relationship than feeling frustrated, angry and taken advantage of. These skills create an atmosphere of cooperation between people, and lead to negotiation that satisfies everyone involved.

From: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I am determined to make a better life for myself no matter what happens to my marriage

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I happen to be going through an extremely difficult time in my life right now.  My husband was unfaithful during the time that I was "absent" from the marriage due to my mother dying from brain cancer.  Of course, there were problems long before this and this was just a major symptom of our problems.  We are trying to work it out, but we are two people with problems of our own as well as our joint problems.  We are both in individual therapy as well as couples therapy, but I am always open to other points of view.  I am struggling with self-esteem, self-confidence issues  right now, so I am anxious to read your book It Ends With You 

I am determined to make a better life for myself no matter what happens to my marriage...easier said than done....and I need all the help I can get.  I'm sure I will be reading your books and visiting your website often. 

Thank your for all your efforts to help people like me.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you had to experience the loss of your mother.  Congratulations on deciding to make your life work despite what anyone else does. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction is just the right book to help you. The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will help you reorganize your life and reestablish your priorities.

"Letting Go Takes Love" and "Why Couples Fall Out Of Love"  will help you find better balance in your relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I have been hit, controlled and manuipulated (by husband and in-laws)

Dear Dr. Romance: I am writing to you for some advice... I hope you can help.

I am the mother of 5 children, in my mid-thirties, and married for about 10 years. I have been abused for years. People I know tell me to fix my marriage that "You could've handled this better or that." I don't know.
That I have 5 children "why didn't you do something sooner? You're chances of finding another man will be basically 15% with 5 and that's keeping hopes high." So my mind is in shambles. I have been hit, controlled and manipulated (by husband and in-laws) since the first year of marriage ...I never told my family until a few years ago, when I ran away from him. I went back my family and i believed he was sincere in change....the change that occurred was the beatings stopped and I had a little more freedom. But he was not happy he felt taken advantage of (ex. if I went to buy milk or food more than twice a week at the big food store.) But we still had fights at least 3x a month. We are very similar but for some reason he places limitations on what i can or cannot do, or what i can say or think. He drives me crazy. Now after another 8 years I can't handle it anymore. He has begun to hit me again besides the constant put downs. I let him take me from the USA to Israel which was a big mistake on my part. I don't know what to do. I haven't worked since I was 18 . I have 5 children, one of whom (4 y) doesn't want to be with me and is with his father. I need help figuring this out. Sometimes I even consider going back. His father keeps telling me to go back. I know I won't be happy. Please help me out.

Dear Reader:

 Please don't go back to a man who beats and abuses you.  I agree that Israel was a big mistake on your part.  You haven't been thinking clearly or making good decisions for a long time. Your husband does not love you, he doesn't want a wife, he wants a slave.  He probably learned it from his father, so don't take his father's advice.  Will your family help you get back to the states?  You don't say how old your children are. I'm assuming, from the length of your marriage, most of them are in grade school.  You'll need help to get free. 

If you can get back to the states, you can call the  The National Domestic Violence Hotline  (1-800-799-SAFE)  , and go with your children to a woman's shelter.  There, you can get training in earning a living, and help taking care of your children. Israel may have something similar.   It's not going to be easy, but what you've been going through is not easy either.  Every day that you stay, your children are learning to be abusive like their father, or abused like you. 

If you manage to get away from him, he will promise to change, but don't believe him unless he goes to extensive therapy.  Once you get away, stay away for at least a year, no matter what he says.  In a year, you'll be able to see if he changes for real.  I don't think he will.  He's taken you to Israel so he can have more control.  Talk to your family, get them to help you come over here, (you can say it's just for a visit to your children's grandparents) and make a plan to get into a woman's shelter, so you don't have to be dependent on your family. Your family can also contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE)   to find out how to best help you.   "Family Violence Q & A"  tells you how to take care of yourself and your children. 

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will explain how violence and dysfunction are passed down in families and cultures and how to recover from it.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: he's a drug dealer and she says that's why she loves him.

Dear Dr. Romance:

My wife and I have been married for 17 yrs and we have a 14 yr old  daughter. My wife has stated to me that she is unhappily married and wants her own place.   I recently found hotel receipts, 1 day vacation cruise receipt, and  Facebook photos of my wife and her mate.

I am devastated, hurt, feel betrayed, angry. I do not really know what to  do as of now. She stated she wants a divorce and individual counseling for herself only.  Also, She stated she currently has strong feelings for the guy and she love him.

The guy is married and he have 1 additional girlfriend and my wife know of it. Most of all he's a drug dealer and she say that's why she love him. Can you please help me? I feel like a reject

Dear Reader:

It seems pretty obvious to me that your wife has a drug addiction, and that's what made her drug dealer look good to her. I hope your daughter will be staying with you, if her mother is on drugs.  I don't know where you live, but you should find an Al-Anon meeting and attend -- it's for the spouses of addicts.  You can find one at http://www.al-anon.org/

If I am right, and your wife is addicted, then all her thinking and choices are affected by the addiction.  Blaming yourself is not productive. What you need to focus on is building a good life for yourself and your daughter.  Hopefully, your wife will get help, come to her senses, get clean and sober, and come back, but you can't wait for that to happen. "Letting Go Takes Love"  and "Mirrors and Teachers" will help you find some clarity. The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs will help you understand how addiction works, and what your wife would need to do to get free of drugs.  Good luck to you and your daughter. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance On: The Tennis Match: How to Balance the Power in Your Relationship

Couples often contact Dr. Romance for counseling soon after they move in together, because they’re arguing about differences in design and life styles. Whose furniture to use, where to put it, who can use each room, or how to work out the division of labor. These squabbles are often symbolic and mask the real anxieties of the partners, which have to do with intimacy, space and closeness.

Partners who have trouble talking with each other about simple differences and can’t negotiate quickly become frightened that they won’t get their individual needs and wants met, and their fear causes them to become reactive and combative, so they argue rather than solve problems together.

Each person in a relationship has individual needs for closeness and personal space as well as needs to feel nurtured, understood and autonomous within a relationship. Individual people define their freedom in very different ways. Some want the freedom to be close and comforted; others want the freedom to be autonomous and unfettered.

Boundaries and Taking Space

When one of you doesn’t get enough space or enough closeness, you will begin to struggle within your relationship. One of you might feel unappreciated for being caring, while the other feels oppressed and smothered. One of you might be alert to your partner’s moods; often walking on eggshells not to upset him or her. The other might threaten to leave in order to get his or her way. One of you will want more together time while the other wants more space; and neither of you are satisfied with the compromise. Struggles like this lead to resentment, hurt and arguing.

When you struggle with a partner, the flow of love between you will be blocked -- even when you truly love one another. If you learn how to achieve balance and end the struggle, you’ll create the love and partnership you deeply treasure.

The Tennis Match: Volleying the Conversation, Balancing the Energy

Knowing and communicating what you want and what you feel are the basic skills for creating a mutually satisfying intimate relationship. I recommend the tennis match approach to help you understand and honor each other’s needs for space.

The tennis game approach is a flexible process that you can adapt to almost any situation. To keep your relationship in balance, especially if it’s new, neither you nor your partner should do all the calling, all the planning, all the talking, all the giving, and all the chasing. You can’t play tennis if only one of you is hitting the ball.

Instead, make a move to show the other person you’re interested in being close, then sit and wait for your partner to make a move in return. For example, make a phone call to invite him or her for coffee, or to join a group going to the movies, and then let him or her make the next invitation. This is like making a serve, then waiting for your partner to return it.

This is often difficult to do, because the natural tendency when you’re interested in someone is to be active. But being too assertive in the relationship may push the other person away, or may disguise a lack of enough interest on the other person’s part. Don’t keep hitting balls over the net if they’re not returned.

On the other hand, if you never hit the ball, but always wait for the other person to do it; you aren’t playing a very good tennis game, either. It’s essential that you do your part, because passivity is easily interpreted as a lack of interest, and can shut communication down. The tennis game metaphor is useful, because if you compare what has gone on in the relationship so far to a tennis game, you will quickly see if you’ve been either too passive or too aggressive.

The tennis match is so central to moving the relationship on to new levels that I’ve developed some guidelines you can use to show interest, understand and promote intimacy. Demonstrating that you are interested in what your partner is saying, and want to hear more, is essential.

Whether you’re online, on the phone, or face to face, you need to keep your conversation going back and forth — keeping the tennis match going in a balanced way.

Tennis Match: Guidelines for Understanding your Partner

* Take Turns: Leave room for your partner to open topics, to express opinion, to gather thoughts and express opinions. Don’t jump right in to a silence if it’s not your turn.
* Concentrate: Listen carefully to what your partner is saying — don’t wander off mentally into what you want to say next.
* Volley (Respond): After your partner says something, respond directly to it, letting him or her know that you heard and understood what was said, and, if possible that you have similar thoughts or experience.
* Don’t Argue: There is definitely a place for spirited discussion in good conversation, but be careful not to get too oppositional. Your objective is to establish understanding.
* Return the Serve: At the end of whatever you say, invite a response by adding “don’t you think?” or “What do you think?” or, make your response a question.
* Serve Again: If your partner drops the ball, ask a question about something that was said before, and give your partner plenty of time to express his or her opinion.

Let your partner know if you would like more space or more intimacy; and listen to the response. If you work together, you can achieve a good balance.

Adapted From: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I love her but I can't understand why she doesn't trust me

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I want to get your book How to Be Happy Partners because I heard great things about it.  I am a retired police officer who has never abused alcohol or been violent. Everyone but my wife says I have a great sense of humor.  I have 3 beautiful kids that I love and adore with all my heart. I love going places and doing things with the family since I retired and am being Mr. Mom. I unfortunately have a controlling lovely wife who I just can't deal with anymore. I love her but I can't understand why she doesn't trust me after 10 years of marriage.  If I get up in the middle of the night, she questions where I'm going. I tell her I'm going to France to use the bathroom and will be back in a few minutes. She's a nurse and I recently found her in an "Emotional Affair" with a doctor who is also Married. She was staying out late and one night I overheard her cell phone conversation.

I never confirmed this as being anything more then just an emotional affair, but it has affected me to the point that I want out.  I have never cheated on my wife but she has thrown stuff in my face about other women. I'm home with the kids all the time, cook, clean, drive the kids to dance, girl scouts, church etc., filling in as the mom, but it's never enough. Every time I leave the house I get questioned. 

Does she not trust me because I caught her and she is afraid I will do the same or even up the sides?   My kids are my life.  When we married we made a pledge that it was for life and no divorce was to ever happen.  I went to counseling for answers and she only went once with me. Our marriage  is not that important to my wife anymore. We are very lucky to not have financial problems.  I don't like to air my dirty laundry to my family because I don't want to hear them talk bad about my wife and the mother of my children and just don't know where to turn to. My friends will tell me "why do you put up with it?" and all I think about is my kids.     

Dear Reader:

Yes, your wife may be controlling you because of her own guilt. Perhaps she thinks you love the kids, but not her.   I understand that you're hurt and angry and you feel betrayed, but you have a family that is probably worth fighting for.  Why not try a different counselor to see if you can heal this problem and save your family.  Find a counselor who specializes in marriage counseling and healing from an affair.  Then, be upfront with your wife, and say if things don't improve, and she won't come to counseling with you, the marriage will wind up in divorce. She probably doesn't want that any more than you do.
 
It's clear you're very involved with your kids, but I wonder how the relationship and intimacy with your wife is going.  Perhaps she feels she can't talk to you, just as you feel you can't talk to her.  With some expert help, you can learn to talk to each other.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a counselor who can really help you, who will give you homework and put both of you on the spot when you're creating problems.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will help both of you re-connect and can teach you how to rebuild your marriage.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance; I am not sure if I should tell him how I feel.

Dear Dr. Romance

Five months ago  I started talking to a guy whom I had known at school many years ago. We are now adults. He is not married, both of us have never been married. We spent a weekend together just as old friends. Went walking, beach, dinner, shared the same room.

We talk to each other from time to time but on general issues. We chat on the phone or online. He had dinner three times at my house.  He is a hard working person. Spends a lot of time at the office. I do want to have a relationship with him. But I am not sure if I should tell him how I feel.

He knows that I am independent financially and have my own house.......... not sure if that may scare him.  He is a very decent and intelligent guy, and at my age I don't think I would find someone like him easily. But I am afraid if I tell him, then it would affect our friendship. Any advice would be appreciated.

Dear Reader:

Yes, I think you should tell him, but in small bits, not all at once.  Take your time, let the relationship build, and let him know how much you like spending time with him.  Don't be too eager, give him a little space, make him come after you a little bit.    "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  and "Guidelines for Relating With Love"  will help you move through the stages of dating and beginning a relationship. 

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you navigate the transition from friends to partners.

As things develop, read How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free together to develop a shared definition for your relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on The Freedom of Maturity

"And then, not expecting it, you become middle-aged... You achieve a wonderful freedom. It is a positive thing." -- Doris Lessing

Maturity or middle age means different things to different people, writes Dr. Romance, but for most, reaching a mature age means developing a new set of expectations. At mid-life, it is possible to view life from a new perspective. You have goals and aspirations yet to achieve, but you also realize you’re not getting younger. Maturity is a time for re-adjusting your focus, and getting your whole act together. If you do, you’ll remove the fear that comes with getting older, and open a new vista of freedom and opportunity for yourself.

Living in a Changing Society

People in mid-life have always undergone physical changes, but in our modern society we must cope with social changes as well. In our brave ace of technology and mobility, adults have, willingly or not, been pioneers of social and technological change. As a mature adult today, you have a lot of life experience, including experience in making your own decisions and the heavy responsibility that comes with that. You may be a single parent, self-employed, or a successful professional: someone who is forward-thinking and up-to-date with the technology. You have made decisions all your life, so why would you have trouble now? Because decision-making is not easy for anyone, regardless of experience. In my work, one of the most frequent questions I am asked is “How can I trust that my decisions are good ones?”

Even educated and aware people often hesitate when making both long-term and short-term decisions, and many are very uncomfortable being decisive at all. Too much stress can lead to stress, burnout, heart attacks and other physical and emotional problems. With new technology and conveniences, life is lived at a faster pace than it was for previous generations and it is much more complex than it was for our grandparents, or even our parents.

As a mature adult, you have an opportunity to re-think your priorities. If you have children, most likely they are growing up, and no longer need you as much as they did. You have been working long enough to feel settled and experienced in your career, and you probably can see, in your aging parents and relatives, that there will be a time when you won’t have the ability and opportunity you do now. If you are like the people I see in my practice, you are longing to express all the parts of yourself that have been neglected or ignored. Reaching maturity means asking: What is my life about? Is my career gratifying enough? How am I going to feel when I reach old age? Will I be satisfied with what I’ve done? These questions require a new kind of decision-making expertise.

You Can’t Predict the Future

If there’s one thing life has taught you, it’s that the future is impossible to predict. As you pass through each stage of life, your experiences continue to be new, and your roles and relationships keep changing. Life is in constant flux, and as soon as you feel you’ve mastered a role, a job or a relationship, something shifts, and you need to re- decide.

If you have been single, focused on your career and friends, traveling all over, you may be longing to be settled and close to your family. If you have been a single parent, and your children are growing up, you may be feeling a new kind of freedom. If you’re married and working, you may be planning for and looking forward to your retirement. If life has been difficult, it may be time to reorganize your relationship to your money and your future. All of these changes require new, smart decisions – perhaps of a kind you never before considered.

In your lifetime, you have gone from dial telephones to cell phones, Instant Messaging on the Internet and shopping on the Web. In the workplace, jobs that require travel, telecommuting, and working via computer and smart phones are commonplace. Keeping up with the rapid pace of change we live in today (perhaps even defending yourself from it) requires a new kind of thinking.

In addition to keeping up with the technological evolution, you have responsibilities to meet at home, on the job and in your personal life. If you feel overwhelmed at times, and find that you simply can’t find the time to devote to looking at the big picture, you are not alone. By focusing on the day-to-day details, you forget to plan ahead, to anticipate change, and before you realize it some neglected aspect of your personal or family life is in crisis.

It’s time to stop briefly and take a look at where you are at this point of your life span. If you spend a few productive hours re-evaluating where you are and where you’re headed, you can create a much more satisfying, productive and fulfilling future for yourself and for those you love.

Successfully re-creating your life at this point involves several crucial factors:

1. Future Security: Planning a secure future for yourself, if you have not done so already, is essential now. This involves getting appropriate financial advice and managing your money. But money isn’t the whole picture. Making sure your lifestyle, habits and attitudes are consistent with maintaining your personal health and well being is crucial to making the coming years feel like a reward for all your hard work.
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2. Changing Roles. About this time in your life, you see shifts in your family’s needs. The generation following you is growing up, and the generation before you is getting older. Your own generation has reached the point of maximum responsibility. Many mature adults find that just as they are being relieved of some of the responsibility for their children, they are taking on a burden of caring for aging parents or grandparents. Both of these factors impact your family decisions and your personal life in profound ways. The gift this stressful period gives is learning to handle all these changes successfully and effectively, keeping your life in balance, or perhaps achieving that balance for the first time.

3. Satisfaction. After many years of being a responsible, hard-working adult and focusing on taking care of others at home, at work and in family relationships, many adults find that they don’t know what they want for themselves. It’s time to learn how to make the decisions that create the enriched, satisfying experience you always hoped your life could be. When you do, you’ll discover what satisfaction means for you, and how to re-focus your life to create more of it.

4. Enjoyment. Your ability to take pleasure in life, to “lighten up”, to find the fun in a simple moment, may have been suppressed over the years. You may just need a slight attitude shift to become more light-hearted or it may require major decisions to simplify and re-focus your goals. You can learn how to make the decisions that free you up to have more fun.

Smart Decisions For People Over Forty

If you stop to think about it, you know the difference between those who make smart, considered choices, and those who seem to let life push them around. You probably know people who succeed despite difficulties and bad breaks, and people who seem to have everything handed to them, but still can’t get it together. You know people whose lives seem full of satisfaction and accomplishment, and others who don’t feel that they have achieved anything worthwhile, so their lives are full of regret and complaints.

Cooperating and being congenial with the people you care about makes your relationships run more smoothly (at least on the surface). However, when you relinquish your power to decide for yourself, your self-esteem suffers, and you feel out of control and unimportant, even in your own life.

As you reflect on the people you know, can you see the difference between those who know how to make good decisions, and those who aren’t sure what to do? None of us is completely confident with every choice we make in life, but those who understand that their decisions will create their outcome and choose accordingly feel more secure more of the time.

As a mature adult, you are approaching the time of greater freedom and greater responsibility toward yourself. Because you’ve lived long enough to master the basic skills of life, you may be wondering what else there is. For many in mid-life, going through days focused on material things and daily chores no longer seems to be sufficient. At this point, people begin to search for a different kind of meaning. “What is my life about?” they ask. “I have most everything I want. Why doesn’t it feel like enough?”

In my therapy practice, these are the questions mature adults ask, and the forces behind the changes they must make. Understanding the important issues of this phase of your life, and being prepared to re-evaluate your goals, find meaning, and make new choices are the tasks you face now. How you meet these challenges will make the difference in how satisfying and rewarding the rest of your life will be. From experience, you know you cannot control everything that happens to you. But you can control the your reaction and response to the events around you. If you can think clearly despite changes, surprises and unplanned circumstances, you will make good choices, and succeed in all the ways you want to.

You can reorganize and restructure your goals to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, financially and socially, no matter what your life circumstances have brought you. This is your opportunity to make the most of your life, to bring long-awaited dreams into reality, and to create meaning and satisfaction for yourself.

Create Your Own Standards

Making smart, effective decisions about your own life depends on learning to set your own standards according to the values that work for you. Observing those around you is a great way to see how various value systems work and can offer you guidance in defining your own standards. By dreaming, observing and trying new things, you can recreate yourself and your life to be more of yourself than ever before. No one is in charge of you but you.

From The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty 

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