Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dr Romance’s 3 tips to know it's time to let go of your relationship

Dr. Romance writes:

As a counselor, I’ve helped lots of couples solve difficult relationship problems, but it isn’t always possible. If your relationship feels detrimental to your mental, emotional or physical well-being, it's time for a change. If your lover has or develops severe problems such as addiction, mental illness or a tendency to be violent, splitting up may be only way you can protect yourself from physical and emotional harm or financial ruin. If you feel that you may need to take this step, use the following guidelines in making your decision.

Here are three reasons to know it’s time to let it go:

1. Your partner keeps going out of bounds: Your partner is struggling with compulsive behavior --either sexual compulsion to keep having affairs, spending money on porn --or other compulsive behaviors such as gambling, drugs, alcohol or losing money on the stock market. If you’ve caught your spouse out of bounds before, and he or she keeps repeating the behavior, it’s an addiction that’s out of control. If your spouse won’t get proper treatment, or treatment hasn’t worked, leaving the relationship may be your only choice. Paradoxically, leaving an addicted spouse is often the only thing that breaks through the denial.  Get support for yourself and your children through Al-Anon. 

2. Violence, verbal or sexual abuse: If you or your children are subjected to violence, verbal abuse or sexual abuse, it’s important for you to get safety for yourself and your children. Report the abuse, get a restraining order, and get out of the relationship. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, and read my article "Family Violence Q&A" for help.

3. You tried therapy --it didn’t work: If you and your spouse have been to couples’ therapy, given it a good effort, and it didn’t fix the problems or stop your fighting and teach you to communicate, perhaps one or both of you haven’t enough motivation left to stay together. If you haven't gotten therapy, read "Guidelines on Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand what happened, and pick up the pieces of your life.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude

Dr. Romance writes: Despite the occasional temporary setback, my life is good, and I’m grateful. It wasn’t always that way, however. At 18, just after I left for college, I was essentially orphaned, and have had to go from no education or support to finding a purpose, supporting myself through a PhD, and developing four businesses to do that. I also recovered from an abusive marriage, and now have been happily married for 28 years, and in successful private practice since 1978. Before I could succeed, I needed to learn to support myself emotionally as well as financially. Having come from a difficult time, I appreciate my blessings, and I find that even the problems have become blessings. Today, I am privileged to use my experiences to work with clients every day to help them become more independent, self-actualizing, fulfilled, and successful.

One of the most powerful tools we have in turning the negative to positive is self-talk. We all have a running dialog in our heads, which often is negative or self-defeating. The good news is that we can choose to replace this negative monologue with something more positive. The brain tends to repeat familiar things over and over, going again and again over established neuronal pathways. Repeating a mantra, an affirmation or a choice over and over creates new pathways, which eventually become automatic. The new thoughts will run through your head like the old thoughts did, or like a popular song you've heard over and over.

If your self talk feels "naturally negative," you may be creating a self-fulfilling identity. One thing you can do is to monitor your self-talk: what do you say to yourself about the upcoming day, about mistakes, about your luck? If these messages are negative, changing them can indeed lift your spirits and your optimism. Know yourself: if you love silence, tend to be quiet, like quiet conversations and not big parties, this may be a genetic trait -- your hearing, and nervous system may be more sensitive than others, and this trait will not go away. You can, however, make the most of it, and learn that creating plenty of quiet in your life will make you a happier person. If, on the other hand, you’re a party animal – social, enjoying noise and excitement, you can also use that as an asset. Positive, happy people do have an easier time in life, and bounce back from problems faster. There are things you can do in every case to increase your level of optimism, even if you can't change who you are.

Your thoughts affect your mood, and how you relate to yourself can either lift or dampen your spirits. Neuronal activity in the brain activates hormones which are synonymous with feelings. Constant self-criticism results in a "what's the use" attitude, which leads to depression. Continuous free-floating thoughts of impending doom lead to anxiety attacks. Negative self-talk creates stress. What I do to help clients become aware of self-inflicted stress is first, to ask them to become aware of what they're saying to themselves -- if there is a constant stream of negativity, it will create stress -- just as being followed around by someone who's constantly carping on you would be stressful. Also, if they're fighting within themselves -- not able to come to a solid idea of what they want -- that will make it difficult to make decisions, and increase the stress. Dysfunctional relationship patterns also are stress-building. For example, if you are constantly guilt-tripped by someone else, or you and your spouse fight, or you are too worried about others' opinions of who you are and what you're doing, you'll be a lot more stressed than if you know how to get along with others, when to listen and when to trust yourself. Most of my clients don’t realize that they are responsible for their own feelings, and no one else is responsible for making them feel better.

To move from negativity to gratitude, try the following suggestions:

Make a note: Write positive comments on your daily calendar to yourself for jobs well done or any achievements you want to celebrate. Or you can paste stickers on your daily calendar as you accomplish goals daily frequent positive commentary is a very effective way to reward yourself and remind yourself of your success.

Look to your childhood: Use activities that felt like a celebration in your childhood: did your family toast a celebration with champagne or sparkling cider, a gathering of friends, or a thankful prayer? Create a celebration environment: use balloons, music, flowers, candles, or set your table with the best china. Use the exercise on your family style in chapter two to find ideas.

Visible reminders: Surround yourself with visible evidence of your successes. Plant a commemorative rosebush or get a new houseplant to mark a job well done, or display photos of fun events, and sports or hobby trophies. It's a constant reminder that you appreciate yourself and when you see them daily, you'll feel the appreciation.

Reward yourself: A new trashy romance novel or detective thriller can be a great reward/celebration for reading your required technical books.

Party!: Celebrate a cherished friendship with an impromptu lunchtime picnic and a balloon. Or with tickets to a ball game. (adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction)

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: Your Primary Relationship

 Dr. Romance writes: Most of us put a lot of emphasis on our relationships: family, friends and significant others.  But, did you know that the relationship you have with everyone else is based on your relationship with you?  That’s right, the closer you get to other people, the more you treat them the way you treat yourself.  That makes your relationship with you your primary relationship.

Growing up in less than perfect families, most of us have learned dysfunctional relating to some degree.  We tend to treat ourselves as we were treated within the family, in school, in church, and by peers. We relate to ourselves as we learned to relate to the people around us.  For example, if someone in Susie's family had frightening emotional explosions, and the whole family was afraid, then she is liable to be afraid of her own feelings today.  In this way, the atmosphere of early childhood is carried forward into adult life. 

The key to solving the problem lies in creating a functional system. In my many years of counseling individuals and couples, the evidence I've seen has convinced me believe that healing begins within the self. 

The first step is to correct internal dysfunction; to learn to deal with self directly and honestly, for each of us to face our internal truth.  The human mind is very beautiful, very complex; nothing short of a miracle. Our thinking is so complex, that it is possible to have several "voices" inside, each holding different opinions simultaneously! We constantly hear a rational voice, an emotional voice, and voices of people who were influential; all holding forth.  No wonder it's easy to become confused.

Most of the clients who come to me have a virtual battle going on inside.  Blaming, defending, making excuses, resisting, are all going on at once within a single person's mind.  All of these "voices", these varying levels of thought and opinion, must be sorted out.  They each need to be heard individually; so you can find out what the fight is about.  Then you can act as a mediator for them, getting each "voice" to be a part of the whole, so that all your varying opinions of what must be done are resolved and working together. If your internal struggle is too intense as a result of abuse or addiction you may need the help of a therapist or a support group to work through it. 

As you do this, you'll recognize the source of some of the "voices".  For example: "Oh yeah, that's my Mom, criticizing everything I do, never satisfied.  Wow, I didn't realize I was doing that to myself! I haven't lived at home for 10 years!" Understanding that the running commentary in your mind is not actually your Mom, just your learned imitation of her, is very important.  

Once you realize the source, the "voice" needs to be corrected. It's necessary to have a self-examining voice, it will keep you growing and learning.  However, the voice doesn't need to be hostile, demanding, or relentless. It can be kind, encouraging and supportive.  For example: "I did a good job at work today. I'm getting better and better at sales. When I talk to Joe next time, though, I'm going to be a little more low key, ask him about his family, I think I overwhelmed him by coming on too strong." 

The goal is to create a functional "committee" out of the mental struggle.  When this is achieved, it is then possible to feel upset about something, sympathize with the part of your mind that's upset, and still be thinking calmly about the solution to the problem. Amazing! 

Knowing how to talk to yourself about your problems is a true blessing.  How often have you wished for "someone to talk to" about something?  How often have you been willing to be that "someone" for another person? Just as an experiment, try getting your capacity to listen and support together with your need to be heard and supported. You'll find out it works! 

I know, it sounds, well, weird. That's the dysfunction in the society talking.  It's not weird, it's healthy. Knowing I can and will ‘be there’ for myself is at the heart of self-esteem. As you understand how to respond to yourself, you’ll create a role model for healthy relationships with others: friends, family, lovers, and colleagues. You’ll also recognize the others who are willing to relate to you in a healthy manner, and be capable of relating to them in the same way. 

As you become totally honest with yourself, you’ll learn to catch many of the nasty relationship surprises before they happen.  You’ll instinctively know when you’re being lied to, and it won't work on you.  You’ll clearly see the difference between love and dependency, and choose to love and be loved. You’ll be able to recognize and stay out of relationship drama, because you’ll know that healthy people can be honest, ask for what they want, and accept “no” for an answer. 

The more self-supporting and functional you become, the less you lean too heavily on anyone else. Relationships become mutual, with a balance between supporting yourself and others.  No one needs to avoid you because you do not demand what others are not prepared to give.  You can get what you need from yourself, and enjoy what others want to freely give. 

Does it sound good?  To create this change, begin by rebuilding the critical, negative voice in your head, until it is giving you the kind of support you always wanted, like a friend who loves and supports you. Take other people off the hook, and you'll be free to have a new kind of relationships.  As you see others more objectively, and less from the perspective of your needs, you'll see them differently, and love and forgiveness will become available, for yourself and for them.

(c) Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance's Seven Steps to Help You Learn Patience

Dr. Romance  Writes:

Frequently, life can become very busy and stressful.   Delayed gratification, or patience, is a skill many of my clients need to learn when life feels overwhelming or difficult; but it isn't always easy.  Learning to be patient and remain calm reduces and relieves stress and worry. Cultivating patience is really about mastering impulse control: it's an issue in self control. You can learn how to do "emotional maintenance" and shake off stress, keep on track of what you want to do, and let go of frustration when something is getting to you. Patience is learning how to wait until you’ve thought before acting and made sure you understand the options and take control of your own ideas and decisions. It's a growth process, a transformation of self through awareness and learning.

To acquire patience, learn not to act on impulse, but change your thinking and attitude, and reach out for support and encouragement. To learn the necessary patience and determination that enhances your communication, these seven steps will help.

Seven Steps to Help You Learn Patience:

1: Wait: The old advice to "count to 10 before you respond" is a great way to learn patience. Give yourself a chance to give your best response.

2: Use Perspective: put your impulses or desires in perspective-- will it be important an hour from now--fifteen minutes from now? Most of them won't be.

3. Self understanding: If you are tempted to act or speak on impulse, understand that the impulse is normal, but you don’t have to be run by it. Reactions and impulses are normal--it's how thoughtfully we act on them that counts.

4: Take a longer view: If you’re reacting because someone upset you (e.g.: your partner hurt your feelings) or then give a little prayer of thanks that it wasn't worse, say a blessing for your partner (who probably needs it) and you'll feel better. If you are tempted to act impulsively, pause a minute and consider your bigger goal; then decide if the momentary impulse is worth setting back your goal.

5. Give yourself a break: If you act on an impulse before thinking about it, acknowledge that you did it, then forgive yourself and get back on track. If you find yourself acting impulsively a lot, then maybe your goal is too rigid, and you need to allow a little more room for yourself, or to renegotiate the contract with your spouse. (See the following section on expectations.)

6. Consider the source: Impulses are often a reaction to outside circumstances--for example, being annoyed because your partner isn’t available, when you could enjoy using the time you have to yourself. Make sure what you do is what you really want to do.

7: Celebrate: Remember to celebrate your accomplishments and all the times you do what you intend to, keep your promises, and work things out. Frequent small celebrations are a way to reward yourself for patience, and to increase your motivation to be even more patient.

For more about this, read "Practicing Patience" and for in-depth, step-by-step help, read It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  Or, if you prefer a workbook format: 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A Guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance Happiness Tip: "The Nail in the Fence: Healing Wounds"

This arrived in Dr. Romance 's e-mail: 

“There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there.” A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

People often wound each other and  words said in anger create emotional scars.  It's best if we don’t hurt each other, but if the wound happens, or happened in the past, it’s important to know the scars can heal.  Think about a cut or wound in your skin: Your body starts to heal immediately, coagulating your blood to stop the loss, then developing a scab, under which new skin grows, until the scab is no longer needed, and flakes off, leaving a red mark, which fades, until there is little or no evidence of the wound.  With a more serious wound, some therapy is needed, perhaps surgery and stitches, or plastic surgery to remove a scar.  Our bodies are an unending miracle – able to accomplish things without our even noticing; things that biochemistry longs to be able to understand – never mind accomplish.

 That’s a good metaphor for healing emotional wounds.  

 Emotional wounds, whether from words said in anger, or something even more hurtful, need to be cleaned for optimal healing.  In the case of emotions, cleansing can come in several forms.  A sincere apology (which means willingness to change) on the part of the person who lashed out, can help – but the best cleansing is one that doesn’t leave you vulnerable to someone else’s outbursts.  In order to heal, you need to know you won’t be repeatedly wounded.  Unless a true apology, with evidence of real change, is offered, then you must stand up for yourself, and tell the hurtful person that you won’t tolerate the behavior again (and be willing to act on it.)

Giving the other person an “adult time out” (retreat into cold politeness and withdraw from emotional response to the person until you get a sincere apology) not only will demonstrate that you’re not willing to be abused, it will also send a signal to you that you’re taking care of yourself.  That creates the emotional climate for healing to take place.  Once you know you’ll take care of yourself, the wound heals, and you can then move on to forgiveness.

Forgiving Your Partner

 No matter how much you care, and how hard you try, when you get close to someone, you will occasionally get hurt.  Even people who are responsible and care about each other make mistakes, because no one can be 100% aware, and because it’s not always easy to understand what's important to another person.  This emotional clumsiness can hurt, even when it's unintentional, so you need to know how to clear up the hurts when they happen.  The power to resolve and let go of old hurts, while learning to protect yourself from being hurt again, is one of the most useful skills when it comes to intimate relationships. 

Forgiving for Real

Forgiveness is not easy. When you have truly forgiven, there is no lingering resentment, because the problem is solved.  You have learned how to heal the hurt and prevent its reoccurrence, so you can forgive and wipe the slate clean. Knowing how to express feelings and figuring out a way to prevent a similar hurt from happening again makes it possible to forgive each other. 

The dictionary defines to forgive as "to give up resentment of" but my definition of forgiving is a bit different. Giving up resentment is nearly impossible when there are too many real injuries to forgive. It can also be unwise, because resentment is a reminder to be careful around this person or in this situation.   Letting go of resentment without fixing the problem makes you vulnerable to being hurt or mistreated over and over again.

However, hanging on to resentment will not protect you or allow you to let go of the past and move on.  As long as you hold onto resentment, you will feel like a helpless, hopeless, dependent victim of your past history.  You do need to learn to forgive, but just "giving up resentment" is not sufficient. You need a new model of forgiving.

Steps to Forgiving

The path to true forgiveness has seven steps:

1. Understand why you’re hurt.  It’s common to have hurt feelings and be disappointed but not know exactly why what was done or said has hurt you so badly.   What are you feeling? Are you angry at someone?  What did he or she do?  Are you sad? Why?  Taking the time to get clear about your disappointment and hurt feelings will make it easier for you to be clear with your partner, and easier for your partner to figure out what to do.

2. Know how to take care of yourself.  It seems very logical that if someone else hurt you, then that person should fix it.   But it doesn’t always work that way.  If someone who loves you has hurt you, he or she either doesn’t understand how you feel, isn’t thinking clearly, or isn’t in control of his or her own actions.  This can be true in minor hurts and major ones.  If your husband forgets your birthday, or your wife makes an important social date on the day of the big game, there may be several causes.  If the error was due to faulty communication or poor memory, you can take care of yourself by placing a calendar in a prominent location in your home and marking all important dates, perhaps with different colored pencils to indicate whose memo it is.  Technophiles can put in on their Smart Phones.  If a date is on the calendar, there are no “forgetting” excuses.  If the situation is more serious (she burns dinner when she drinks too much, he spends too much money on payday), then you have to take more serious measures.  For situations like this, I recommend therapy.  Go with or without your partner, and you will learn how to take care of yourself until he or she has better self-control.  Until you know how to prevent yourself from being hurt again, forgiveness does not make sense. 

3. Let your partner know how you feel.  Once you are clear about how you were hurt or disappointed, you can be clear with your partner.  Don’t accuse-- just speak in terms of your feelings.  “My feelings were hurt when I didn’t know where you were at the party.”  Or, “I’m disappointed because I wanted you to remember my birthday.” 

4. Tell your partner what you think would fix the problem.  When you offer a possible solution, your partner will have a clear idea of what you want.  You can say, “When we go to parties, I’d like to you to let me know where you are, and I want you to understand why I feel bad if you don’t.”

5. Listen to your partner’s version of what happened.   Often these problems are caused mainly by a difference in perception, so it’s important to understand how your partner saw the situation.  This also keeps the discussion on a more even level, with both partners discussing the problem rather than one accusing and the other defending.   You may learn that your partner even thought he or she was doing something you wanted.  “You kept saying you didn’t want to celebrate this birthday, and I thought you meant it.”

6.  Reach a mutual solution to the problem. If someone is very hurt, or very defensive, it may take a few discussions to resolve this problem.  Remember that it is worth the time it takes, because it will prevent this from becoming a recurring problem.  If you can’t solve it together after a few tries, see a counselor.  Forgiveness skills are so important that you really need to learn them if you don’t have them already.

7.  Have a forgiving ceremony. This can be as simple as looking into your partner’s eyes and saying “I forgive you.”   What’s important is that you communicate that the air is cleared, the hurt forgiven, and the problem is over.  You won’t be able to do that honestly if you haven’t done the previous steps.

You don't have to condemn your partner to be wary of their out-of-control or thoughtless behavior.  Instead, you can recognize that both of you are fallible human beings, do what is necessary to fix the problems, and then forgive each other.  When both of you take responsibility for fixing these mistakes in the relationship, your trust in each other will grow, and where trust grows, so does love.  

Adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

 

Dr. Romance: Improving Relationships between parents and stepchildren

Ah, the ugly step parent, celebrated and villainized in fairy tales. Do you have to take on the role?  "Dr. Romance" says you don't, and shows you how to manage to be the kind of step-parent that causes your children to say "My step-parent was the best thing that ever happened to our family."

Dr. Romance’s 4 tips to smoother step-parenting

1. Give your blended family a chance to bond. Don’t worry if everyone doesn’t settle in right away; bonding takes time. Hopefully, you all got to know each other before you moved in together, but the transition to living comfortably together can take time.

2. Have family meetings weekly. Give everyone (kids, too) a chance to share how they feel, what they like and don’t like, and ask them to share both positive and negative opinions. Invite suggestions about how to make things better. Shared times, such as mealtimes, are important -- but each person needs a break, too. Don’t allow the schedule to be too busy -- plan some time off.

3. Get on the same parenting page. Mom and Dad need to work out parenting methods, rewards, punishments, chores, allowances, bedtimes, homework, etc. Each of your single-parent families is unique, and everyone has to adjust to change. Transition is much easier if the parents are in agreement. If something happens you haven’t discussed, just defer to one parent, and work it out later. If you allow the kids to create discord between you, they’ll jump on it right away, and make your lives miserable.

4. If you have shared custody with one or more outside parents, resolve any conflicts with them right away – ex-spouse struggles can become disasters. You’ll all be connected for life. Help the children transition from one household to another by “debriefing” when they come home. “How was your visit?” Then talk about the system at your house.

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed has specific information for blended families, and will help you navigate the ups and downs of creating a cohesive family.  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on How to Be a Loving Couple when You Have Kids

Parenthood is an overwhelming job. Kids, especially babies, seem to need you there constantly. It's very easy for parents to get so into the role that they lose sight of the couple relationship they used to have.  "Dr. Romance"  shows you how to devote adequate time to your kids and still keep a special part in your relationship for each other.  

Intimacy After Baby

The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong after starting a family is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed.

Intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted. When this feeling is created barriers fall.

*Gentle touch, eye contact a gentle sense of humor and the right words all create the atmosphere.

*Commenting positively on your partner's looks or the day's activities will also help.

*With a new baby, understand that your couple relationship will be put on hold for the first few months, until the baby is sleeping through the night.  Your relationship will not be a priority during this time, so the more realistic you are about this beforehand, the less resentful you'll be when it happens.

*After things settle down, the mother has recovered from giving birth, the baby is sleeping through the night, and you've established a routine, things will become somewhat easier.

*Try to organize your schedule so that you have some time together, without having to do chores or work, after the baby is asleep.

*Talk frequently about how you're both doing, whether your arrangement feels fair, and encourage your partner to talk about what's bothering him or her. Once you know how to express problems to each other, you have an opportunity to fix them before they become worse.

*If you can arrange for someone trustworthy to baby sit, take at least one night out a week together, or, if the baby can go to grandma's house, or a trusted friend's house, have an intimate, quiet night at home. Time by yourself will refresh you both for childcare and for the relationship.

*Hopefully both parents will be involved in childcare, which keeps the burden from being too great on one parent. If both parents contribute equally, each should have one night off while the other partner watches the child.

Here are four simple steps to create a successful marriage:

1. Talk frequently and honestly to each other -- about your frustrations, about sex, about anger, about disappointment, about your appreciation of each other, about the meaning of life, about everything.

2. Strive to work together to solve anything that comes up -- be a team, a partnership. Don't get stuck on who is right or wrong -- focus on what will solve the problem.

3. Keep your connection going -- through communication, sex, affection, understanding and concern for each other.

4. Have a sense of humor, give the benefit of the doubt, care about each other.

Learn more options for your relationship in How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance On Your Heart's Desire

Dr. Romance writes: Your heart's desire -- what could it be? So many people, including many of my clients, are searching to know what it is would satisfy them, to give their lives focus and direction.

 "To find in ourselves what makes life worth living is risky business," writes Marsha Sinetar in   Ordinary People as Monks and Mystics  "for it means that once we know it we must seek it. It also means that without it life will be valueless."

Every day I help people work through problems of dependency and addiction. Did you know that problems with compulsive eating, substance abuse, destructive addictive relationships, and obsessive behavior are most often misguided attempts to satisfy the heart's desire?

We are such amazing miracles of creation. Within each of us is a driving force, that will NOT give up and go away. We can attempt to drown it out with loud, raucous living, to anesthetize it with food, drink or drugs, to avoid it through some zealotry or other, to ignore it by working obsessively, to be too overwhelmed drama and agony to notice it; but as soon as the unavoidable quiet moment happens, there it is, urging us on. Often, people misread this uncomfortable inner restlessness and call it "fear" or "loneliness", but it is only the call of the heart. Until we acknowledge it, it will not allow us to be at peace. Believe it or not, our hearts are filled with purpose and meaning, and will constantly press us to discover our true desire and act upon it.

I find that many people are autophobic, which means they’re afraid of themselves. They are afraid of feeling emotion, afraid of being forced to be alone with themselves, afraid to find out what is actually inside them. It actually comes down to fearing the power within. We run very fast, in an attempt to escape who we are.

The philosopher Joseph Campbell wrote: "If the person insists on a certain program, and doesn't listen to the demands of his own heart, he's going to risk a schizophrenic crackup. Such a person has put himself off center. He has aligned himself with a program for life, and it's not the one the body's interested in at all. The world is full of people who have stopped listening to themselves or have listened only to their neighbors to learn what they ought to do, how they ought to behave, and what the values are that they should be living for. ...my analysis of the human situation is that we would rather feel alive than be alive. Sometimes it kills you, to feel so alive out there on a battlefield somewhere, or in a corporate environment where it's quite clear that you're heading for a heart attack, and you don't change your course because you are living in that stream of energy and aliveness. You wind up bargaining your life away for it."

Reading through the wisdom of the ages, I have come across this advice time and time again. The greatest minds in the history of humankind insist that the costs of denying your heart's desire are far greater than anything that could happen by following it. When my clients overcome their reluctance to know who they are, they release an inner power that transforms their lives. I have seen the beauty of these changes over and over again.

If you want to find your heart’s desire, here is Dr. Campbell's advice about how to begin:

"This is an absolute necessity for anybody today. You must have a room, or a certain hour or so a day, where you don't know what was in the newspapers that morning, you don't know who your friends are, you don't know what you owe anybody, you don't know what anybody owes to you. This is a place where you can simply experience and bring forth what you are and what you might be. This is the place of creative incubation. At first, you may find that nothing happens there. But if you have a sacred place and use it, something eventually will happen... Where is your bliss station? You have to try to find it. Get a phonograph and put on the music that you really love, even if it's corny music that nobody else respects. Or get the book you like to read. In your sacred place you get the "thou" feeling of life ...for the whole world. I even have a superstition that has grown on me as a result...that if you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open the doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be."

I invite you to get acquainted with your heart's desire, so you can follow your bliss. Join me in a resolution to surrender, to slow down and find out what is inside, straining to get out, longing to make contact with you. Make a "sacred space" for yourself, and spend a little time in it, at first reading or listening to music, and little by little listening to your heart. Perhaps it will change your life, as it has so many others. Enjoy.

© Tina Tessina 2025 adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance Happiness Tip: New Year's Resolution: Letting Go of Anxiety

Dr. Romance asks: What is the best New Year's resolution you can make for your happiness? Answer: To let go of Anxiety.  These days, it seems that there’s one disaster after another. Not only do we have do deal with an angry Mother Nature, but all sorts of fanatics and psychopaths are on the news every night. Add this to normal life issues, illness, financial stress and family troubles, and the triggers for anxiety abound. We are all in a time of high stress, and news events as well as personal life problems often bring up fear. If these fears are not dealt with, they can lead to "acting out" behavior, such as drinking too much or creating problems in your relationship, your job or about money problems as a distraction.

What we used to call worry, and have updated to anxiety, is a continuous stream of negativity that keeps interrupting your mode of thought and that you find it hard to get away from. It's usually not focused on any one thing, but jumps from negative thought to negative thought. Worry drains and wastes your energy and makes you less likely to make good decisions. If you take that same energy you're using running around in mental circles, and do something productive with it, it'll serve you better.

Often in my own life, I use a zen concept of beginner's mind in the context of starting over. That is, to approach a new or difficult experience without expectations, willing to learn new things, willing to not be an expert, but to feel uncomfortable and incompetent, and to enjoy the experience of being a learner. This leaves one open to better experiences than would be otherwise possible.

Letting go, in the sense of trying not to control things makes every situation easier to handle. Another word for it is acceptance. In the long run, we gain more control by letting go. Rather than fight what's going on, and try to deny bad things that happen use your beginner's mind to face it, do what you can, and learn from it.

Letting go in the sense of acceptance is an internal, private process. You don’t need to let anyone else know you’re doing it. Take charge of your negative thoughts (that's one thing totally in your control) and turn them around: argue with them, fight them off, wrestle with them. Put energy into it. What you need to let go of is the things outside that you can't control. Other people, life's events, loss, disappointment. Stop trying to change what won’t change, accept what is, let it be and live life as it is. Yes, I know it’s easier said than done, but once you get a handle on it, life itself is easier. Fretting about what you can’t control is an endless, useless waste of energy you can use elsewhere.

If you’re doing a lot of negative thinking, do a reality check. Are the stories in your head about what actually happened, or about what you imagine happened? Instead of pretending, worrying, being in the past or the future, focus on what's real. Don't waste time and energy trying to figure out what someone else is thinking, especially what they were thinking about you. You won't get it right anyway. Tell the truth to yourself, the whole truth, not just the negative parts.

When you face the reality, you must feel your feelings. Denying the truth is a way to avoid your feelings. When you just let it be, accept it, the feelings will come up, and they will heal you.

Late Night Worry: Get out of the habit of using your brain as a memo pad. The best sleep aid I know is a pencil and paper by your bed to write down whatever is bugging you. If you're worried

about forgetting something, write it down. If you're anxious about something you have to do, organize it with a written plan or checklist.

‘What if’ Worry: Fretting about what might happen? Figure out what you would do in case the hypothetical disaster occurs. Answer the what if" question factually. "What if I forget Susie's Dr. Appointment?" Answer: "I've got a lot to do. I'll start carrying a calendar with everything marked on it."

Endless Replay Worry. If you regret something you said or something that happened, then figure out how you could handle that situation better next time. Practice it over and over until you feel confident you know what you're doing.

Obsessive thinking is common. If it's interfering with your ability to function, get help. If obsessive thinking keeps you from leaving the house or working productively, or if you're sleeping all the time, or not sleeping well, or it's disrupting your relationships, then consult a trained therapist. As emotional problems go, obsessive thinking is simple to fix.

To learn to let go, follow these simple steps for resolving your fear and anxiety:

1. Learn to recognize the signs of your own anxiety. If you can't sleep, you worry a lot, you ruminate" or obsess about negative possibilities, or you're unusually irritable or needy, you are probably anxious, and need to manage your thoughts.

2. Give yourself a chance to complain and express your fear. When you're facing loss, problems or unwanted changes that are the result of a problem or someone else’s actions, you will have some resistance and objections. Allow yourself some time to complain and be unhappy about the situation. Express as many of the negative feelings and thoughts as possible, either verbally or on paper. If your fear is overwhelming, and you are having anxiety attacks, a therapist can help you with this part.

3. Evaluate your fears and complaints. Allow yourself some time to consider the points you made in your list. Is there anything that you can do differently? Do you want to? Have you made all the choices you can? Are you thinking clearly about the problem? Are you angry at anyone specifically? Are you resisting unnecessarily? If you have a choice, do you still want to change things? If you don't have a choice, can you see some alternatives? Do your options look different to you now?

4. Befriend yourself to build trust. Discuss the problem with yourself as helpfully as you would with another friend. Brainstorm for ideas, realistic or even silly, about what you could do to make things better. For example:
• I could move somewhere else and avoid the whole thing.
• I could talk to Harry and see if he can help me think this through.
• I could ask for specific help. (List the help you want)
• I could get an Extreme Makeover.
• I could win millions in the lottery and be able to buy my safety.
• I could go on with my life, doing the best I can, and trust that God will take care of me.

5. Do whatever you can to check the facts, and consider all the possibilities for taking care of yourself and those you love.

6. Review and decide. Once you've expressed your anger and disappointment, evaluated your feelings, brainstormed ideas and checked the facts, you will be feeling much more in charge of yourself and this situation. Review what you've discovered and make some decisions.

7. Sell yourself on a positive outcome. Think of all the possible great outcomes of the changes you're making. Consider what you will learn

To let go of small things:

1: Perspective: Put them in perspective: will it be important an hour from now; fifteen minutes from now? Most of them won't be.

2. Self-understanding: If someone or something upsets you, don't exacerbate the problem by getting on your own case for reacting. Reactions are normal; it's what we do with them that counts.

3: Rise above: If someone frightened you (a driver who cut you off) then give a little prayer of thanks that you survived, bless the other driver (who probably needs it) and you'll feel better.

4. Benefit of the doubt: If someone hurt your feelings, acknowledge that your feelings are hurt, then consider that the other person is probably more clumsy than intentionally hurtful. The world is full of emotional klutzes who don't realize the impact of their words and actions, and they create more problems for themselves than for you.

5. Consider the source: A neighbor or associate who is truly nasty may repeatedly hurt your feelings. Consider what must be going on inside that person's head, and be grateful that you're not hearing that. Even the meanest people are far nastier to themselves than they are to others. That person is tryin to relieve his or her pain by inflicting some on you.

6: Adult time out: If someone repeatedly hurts, abuses or disrespects you, the best way to handle it is with an adult time out.

Handling difficult personalities takes skill and knowhow. Here's a technique anyone can learn to use that works every time.

Adult time out

If someone behaves badly in your presence, giving that adult a "time out" is a powerful and subtle way of fixing the problem. All you need to do is become very distant and polite around the person who is not treating you well. No personal talk and interaction, no joking, no emotion. Be very polite, so the person cannot accuse you of being unpleasant, mean or rude. There is no need to explain what you are doing: the problem person will get the message from your behavior -which is much more effective. Most people will change, but even if the person's behavior doesn't change, you can leave him or her in "time out" and you won’t have to be anxious about his or her behavior.

(c) Tina B. Tessina, 2024 (From It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  and Stop Overthinking: A Workbook to Stop Perfectionism, People Pleasing, Self-Sabotage, and Other Forms of Negative Thinking )

 
For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance: Through the eyes of love

Dr. Romance writes:

When I was about 7, I had a doll, originally a "Betsy-Wetsy" doll, who had eyes that would close and who drank a bottle and wet her diaper (big toy technology when I got the doll, about 1949) I had had the doll a few years, left her out in the sun and rain, so her latex skin was blistered and dirty, and her eyes were rusted. Grownups were always telling me to throw her away. But she was my favorite, and I took her everywhere. Thanksgiving that year, we drove the 3 hours to Union City, NJ to spend the holiday with my favorite aunt, my father's sister Ida.

Aunt Ida was a very special lady, a seamstress in a laundry, who, with her loving husband Tom, had raised three children. Their budget was very tight, but she always cooked a sumptuous feast for all of us; she was the matriarch of our large, Italian family.

After spending a warm and cozy family weekend in the city, we drove home, where I discovered to my dismay my beloved baby doll was missing. I had left her at Aunt Ida's. Many tears later, my parents called to verify the doll was there, and my aunt said she'd keep her safe until we came back to visit again at Christmas. I longed for that doll and worried about her because I thought no one understood how much I loved her.

When Christmas came, and we drove again to the city, There was a big box under the tree for me, from Santa. In the box was my doll, looking as forlorn and abused as ever. But, with her, carefully wrapped in tissue paper, was a long, white christening dress, with lace, and matching hat, slip and panties, A peach brocade dress, again with all the accessories, and a lovely gingham puffed-sleeve dress with a lace pinafore and a sunbonnet. That poor, battered doll had clothes fit for a princess! Aunt Ida's loving heart and gifted hands had created these exquisite outfits for my doll. It was the most beautiful gift I have ever received.

The dresses were magical enough to have come from Santa, but it took an adult who could see through the eyes of a child to understand how important it would be to me.

It wasn't until many years later that I understood the deeper meaning. My doll represented the parts of myself that were not perfect, my faults which were frequently criticized and for which I felt in danger of being rejected. My warm and understanding aunt, a wellspring of maternal love, had seen my need and my vulnerability, and showed me in an unforgettable way that even the imperfect parts of me were deserving of love and attention.

Aunt Ida died when I was 15, and the rest of my family were all gone by the time I was 18. The memory of her love and acceptance has carried me through many hard times since. She truly saw with eyes of love.

Wishing you a holiday season full of sharing, loving and making fond memories.

(c) Tina B. Tessina 2024   From It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance Happiness Tip: How Not to Fight

Dr. Romance writes:

How Not to Fight: Myths and Expectations about Fighting:

There are many myths and expectations about fighting in marriage. Couples come into my office frequently believing that fighting is a necessary part of being a couple; that all married couples fight; and it’s a normal part of marriage. But the fact is that fighting accomplishes nothing, and it isn’t necessary for couples to argue, to yell, or to have heated discussions to get problems solved. Hanging on to these ideas makes it difficult to let go of fighting.

Some of the most prevalent myths about fighting are:

*Myth #1: Fighting clears the air, and brings out the truth.

Fighting is not necessary to "clear the air." Getting heated up does not make you tell truths you wouldn’t tell otherwise. What happens when couples fight and get emotional is that both parties say things they don’t mean, or say them in much nastier ways than is really true. It is possible to discuss anything that is or is not happening between you in a calm and logical manner that will lead to more truth telling and air clearing than fighting and arguing will ever accomplish.

*Myth #2: Within your family, it’s OK to "let it all hang out" – to be as emotional as you want, and say things you’d never say to a friend or a boss.

Whether you’re fighting or not, (or drunk, or upset) you’re still responsible for everything you say and do. The hurtful or mean or outrageous things you say will be remembered by your spouse or the other family members who hear them.

*Myth #3: Fighting just happens, you can’t control it.

You always have a choice about your behavior and how you express yourself. If you’ve developed a fighting habit, or never learned to control your temper, you may need to do some work, but you can learn to behave differently.

*Myth #4: My wife (or husband) makes me do it. He (she) yells first.

No one else is responsible for your behavior. You are not responsible for anyone else’s words or actions. You can always choose not to yell back, to speak calmly, or to leave the room. Your partner cannot fight alone.

*Myth #5: Any time we get angry, it’s natural to argue and yell.

Arguing and shouting is not the only way to express your anger. It’s just the most dramatic way. As a matter of fact, it’s the least effective way to reach a solution for whatever is making you angry. 

Squabbles often occur because you’re following automatic habit patterns that lead to a problem before you know it. Using these guidelines will help you overcome negative habit patterns you may have built that lead to arguments or bickering. © Tina B. Tessina, 2024 adapted from:  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Dating: Don’t be his “backup plan”

Dr. Romance writes: If your guy never wants to make a definite date (would you like to go out Friday night?) and just

wants to come over to your house on the spur of the moment, he doesn't make an effort to keep in touch (you should not be making all the effort) and he doesn't seem to think about the future, he's probably just using you as "reserve" and not really interested (either in you or in commitment). 

You need a different kind of guy.  Don't look for the surface stuff. Handsome is as handsome does.  Find a guy with character, which you're more likely to find out if you are socially involved with him before you are personally involved with him.  Don't be too easily available.  Your interaction should be like a tennis match.  He volleys, then you do.  Never send a lot of shots over the net in a row. 

This is pure Narcissism on the man's part, coupled with insecurity that he won't find his "Ms. right."  (Yes, Narcissists are insecure) It's linked to a fear of commitment, but even more to a view of women as "sources of narcissistic supply:” women as ego-gratification. That's why no one woman is enough. These men regard women as possessions, trophies, not as people. The man is only looking from his own point of view and has no empathy or real capacity for love or commitment.

If you're looking for a commitment, avoid these men at all costs.  It's OK to date more than one man until you find one who is as willing to commit to you as you are to him.  Keep looking around until you find a "keeper."  Stay away from online dating, where men get the impression that the supply of women is endless, and they don't have to earn a relationship.  Instead, get socially active in groups and clubs, classes and sports, and meet people face to face.  You're more likely  to be able to tell the difference between a good guy and a good advertiser. 

Most of these men are ambivalent about whether they want the woman to know she's a fallback, because they would like the woman not to have expectations of commitment, but they also know if she knows her status, she'll probably disappear.  Some of them just don't want to be a bad guy, or hurt her feelings: not realizing that keeping her on reserve hurts worse.  I think most guys are OK, they really don't want to be bad guys, they just also don't always want to step up to the plate. 

Most of the time women who engage with other men while the one who has them on reserve gets himself together improve in his estimation and become more valuable. He will respect her, and he may come back again and again: but he also may not change his spots. Some guys won't commit no matter how valuable they think the woman is.

If you’re involved with someone like this, stop interacting with him.  Block him on your phone and social media, and move on.  Look for someone who can actually make a commitment, who keeps his promises, and who cares about you.

(C) Tina B. Tessina 2024 Excerpted from Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: What Is A Dysfunctional Relationship?

Dr. Romance writes:

Unless you're completely out of touch with any media, written, audio or video, you have been bombarded with words like "dysfunctional relationship", "codependency" and "toxic family system". You may have noticed that there's a lot of information available about these relationships, but not too much about what to do about them. To clarify things, I thought I'd give a brief overview of the various terms and what they mean, plus a guide about the difference between these relationships and healthy ones.

Dysfunctional Relationships are relationships that do not perform their appropriate function; that is, they do not emotionally support the participants, foster communication among them, appropriately challenge them, or prepare or fortify them for life in the larger world.

Codependency means that one or both people in a relationship are making the relationship more important than they are to themselves. A classic codependent is hopelessly entangled with a partner who is out of control through alcoholism, addiction or violent behavior; but the term has been more recently used to mean anyone who feel dependent, helpless and out of control in a relationship; or unable to leave an unsatisfying or abusive one.

Toxic Family Systems are relationships (beginning with childhood families, and carried into adulthood) that are mentally, emotionally or physically harmful to some or all of the participants. Codependent relationships can also be toxic relationships, although the term "toxic" is usually used to mean the more abusive varieties.

In short, all three of these terms refer to relationships that contain unhealthy interaction, and do not effectively enhance the lives of the people involved. People in these relationships are not taking responsibility for making their own lives or the relationship work.

The degree of dysfunction, codependency or toxicity in relationships can vary. Most of us get a little dependent, and therefore dysfunctional, from time to time: especially when we're tired, stressed, or otherwise overloaded. What makes the difference between this normal, occasional human frailty and true clinical dysfunction is our ability to recognize, confront and correct dysfunction when it happens in our relationships.

The question to keep in mind is: what is not working, and how can we make it work? Most people, when faced with a relationship problem or disagreement, reflexively begin to look for a villain; that is, they want to know who's at fault. Responding to a problem by looking for someone to blame (even if it's yourself) is a dysfunctional response. The functional question is not, "Whose fault is it?" but "What can we do to solve the problem?"

When you try it, you'll see that refusing to focus on blaming anyone (yourself or your partner), and instead insisting on solving the problem, will make a huge difference in all your relationships. Families who sit down together, in a family meeting, where everyone, including small children, gets to discuss the problem from their point of view, and everyone works together to solve the problem, become functional rapidly.

Couples who can sit down together and discuss problems calmly, without blaming, criticizing and accusing, find that looking for a mutual solution to their problems increases their commitment, their intimacy and bonds them together. Nothing binds you in relationship more powerfully than the awareness that by working together, you can solve whatever problems arise.

No relationship will be perfect; and how to successfully interact with your partner cannot be worked out in advance. Yes, you can learn basic communication techniques, build your self-esteem, and develop patterns for healthy, equal, balanced loving before you get together; and all of these will make your relationship, when you do find it, much more successful. But, because you are unique, and so is your partner, what works for the two of you must be developed on-the-spot. The only way I know to do this is through experience, communication and negotiation.

If you understand that your relationship, to be successful, must be healthy and satisfying for both you and your partner, you will also understand that codependently putting your partners feelings, needs and wants before your own is as harmful as compulsively putting your wants, needs and feelings before your partner's.

Through focusing on solving issues and problems together, through honest and open communication, you can learn to achieve a balance. That is, you can work together to make sure both of you get your needs and wants met, and you can both care equally about your mutual satisfaction, health and happiness.

Any other definition of love tends to degenerate into dysfunction and codependency, and will become toxic to you and your partner. Finding out if solutions are mutually satisfactory is easy; you ask each other how it feels and whether it’s working. Beginning your relationship with this idea in mind, or renewing an existing relationship on this basis, is much easier and more pleasant than you may believe.

I invite you to consciously move your focus from who's at fault to what will fix the problem, and to increase the mutuality and communication in your relationship, and watch whatever dysfunctional interaction you have, whether mild or severe, be significantly reduced. You can do this with relationships at home, with your parents, your children, your siblings, and even with friends and co-workers.

(C) 2024 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on The Pursuit of Happiness

Dr. Romance writes: 

The founding fathers of our country saw the “pursuit of happiness” as an inalienable right – so important they embedded it in the DNA of the United States of America, by writing it into the Preamble to the Constitution.  It was a profoundly new idea at the time.  With it, they set wheels in motion that have been turning ever since. 

In my private counseling practice, clients often tell me, “I want to be happy!”  We then set about making it a reality.  I know that people often see themselves as unhappy, depressed and dissatisfied, and that there is a genetic component in our individual makeup that scientists say is responsible.  But don’t let that discourage you, because it’s obvious as I work with people that genetic makeup is not the only factor that affects mood.  

The things we feel good about are easily taken for granted, so making sure you spend some of your time noticing what you're grateful for gives you a chance to register the good things in your life, reduce your stress and anxiety, and feel better about yourself, your friends and family, and your life.  While stress and anxiety cause the body to release adrenaline and testosterone, focusing on gratitude floods you with oxytocin, acetylcholine and other calming, relaxing agents.  Hormones are emotions, emotions are hormones, so when you're flooded with happy hormones, you'll feel good. 

Your habits, your relationships, your environment, and especially what you think about them have a huge impact.  As a psychotherapist, I know that those things determine more about how happy you are than your genes do, because I’ve watched so many people learn how happiness works. 

When you look at your own behavior, thoughts and feelings more objectively, you can change the things that are subtracting from your happiness.  I recommend to my clients that they focus on gratitude, and work to increase the positive factors in their lives, and decrease the negative ones. 

You can improve every area of your happiness: your relationship with yourself, your relationships with others, your work life, your home life, and even your health.  While you’re at it, take a little time to congratulate yourself on your personal pursuit of happiness, because Celebration + Appreciation = Motivation.  The more you understand that increasing your happiness is working, the more motivated you will be to do more, and be even happier.  

Try laughter -- getting yourself a desk or phone calendar with a new cartoon every day, sharing a joke you got via e-mail, telling a co-worker the cute thing your kid said (or listening to his story) or talking about the funny scene in the latest hit movie -- will lower your blood pressure, calm your pulse and generally help you release a lot of stress. 

As you discover the techniques that are most effective for you, make a little reminder note about the best ones.  Keep it handy, so if your happiness level starts to slide, you can bring it back up to where you want it. And have a happy life! 

There are three things a person can do to bring more happiness into his or her life: 

1. Gratitude:  Remember to notice and be thankful for whatever you have, what your friends, family and partner do for and give to you.

 2. Generosity:  Giving to others, especially giving thanks and kindness, will make you happy, because most others will give back. 

3. Ethics:  Living your life according to a set of ethics that make sense to you will make you feel good about yourself, and increase your happiness.

Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Practicing Patience

Dr. Romance writes:

Many things in life and relationships go better if you know how to approach them with  patience. It’s such a valuable component of character that St Paul considered it evidence that a person was living in faith: "...the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control," he wrote to the Galatians.

Like everyone else, I struggle with learning to be patient myself. Patience is also a problem my clients ask about. Shakespeare recognized how important patience was to healing: "How poor are they that have not patience!" he wrote. "What wound did ever heal but by degrees?"

Making any change, including keeping your resolutions, requires patience because no change happens instantly. The amount of patience you have in daily life and in relationships can determine how much you enjoy your life.

The opposite of having patience is being impulsive. Impulsiveness in all of us arises from the emotional aspect of the mind. When we act thoughtlessly on impulses, we cannot maintain resolve, and it’s easy to be run around by the opinions of others, or by outdated information we learned in early childhood. Learning to be patient and remain calm reduces and relieves stress and worry. Cultivating patience is really learning impulse control – it's an issue in self-control. You can learn how to do "emotional maintenance" and shake off stress, keep on track of what you want to do, and let go of frustration when something is getting to you. Patience is learning how to wait until you’ve thought before acting and made sure you understand the options and take control of your own ideas and decisions. It's a growth process, a transformation of self through awareness and learning.

To acquire patience, we must learn not to act on impulse, but change our thinking and attitude, and reach out for support and encouragement. To learn the necessary patience and determination to reach long-term goals, practice on small things first, and learn how to sort through what is worth exercising patience, and what is not.

Seven Steps to Help You Learn Patience:

1: Wait: The old advice to "count to 10 before you respond" is a great way to learn patience. Give yourself a chance to give your best response.

2: Use Perspective -- put your impulses or desires in perspective – will it be important an hour from now -- fifteen minutes from now? Most of them won't be.

3. Self-understanding: If you are tempted to act on impulse, understand that the impulse is normal, but you don’t have to be run by it. Reactions and impulses are normal -- it's how thoughtfully we act on them that counts.

4: Take a longer view: If you’re reacting because someone upset you (e.g.: a friend who hurt your feelings) or then give a little prayer of thanks that it wasn't worse, say a blessing for your friend (who probably needs it) and you'll feel better. If you are tempted to break a resolution, pause a minute and consider your bigger goal – then decide if the momentary impulse is worth setting back your goal.

5. Give yourself a break: If you act on an impulse before thinking about it, acknowledge that you did it, then forgive yourself and get back on track. If you find yourself acting impulsively a lot, then maybe your goal is too rigid, and you need to allow a little more room for yourself.

6. Consider the source: Impulses are often a reaction to outside circumstances – for example, wanting dessert because it’s there, when you wouldn’t think of it otherwise. Make sure what you do is what you really want to do.

7: Celebrate: Remember to celebrate your accomplishments and all the times you do what you intend to. Frequent small celebrations are a way to reward yourself for patience, and to increase your motivation to be even more patient.

Learning patience is the surest way to be able to accomplish your goals and dreams. I wish you the happiest of new years. (c)  Tina B. Tessina, 2024 Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected] 

Dr. Romance on Learning Forgiveness

Dr. Romance  writes: Learning to forgive those who hurt us is an essential life skill, because it helps develop inner maturity, frees us from emotional bondage to the other person, and helps us develop the power to move on.

Forgiveness begins with learning to forgive yourself for any damage you may have done to yourself and others with destructive habits and for allowing others (beginning with your family, and including later adult relationships) to be unkind or abusive to you or take advantage of or disrespect you.

 

My definition of forgiveness is a bit different than you may have been taught.  The dictionary defines to forgive as "to give up resentment of", which I have found is nearly impossible if you’ve been really hurt – often there are too many real injuries to forgive. It can also be unwise,  because resentment is like a reminder to yourself to "watch out -- this hurt me before".  Ignoring the past and forgiving others who may still be abusing you now ("He didn't mean to beat me up, he was just drunk" ) gets you hurt or mistreated over and over again.  Dependency is often perpetuated by being “nice,” forgiving and forgetting that someone has hurt you, and not confronting the person or ending the relationship.

   

Forgiving yourself for past destructive behavior, if not based on a real, inner change of attitudes ("it wasn't my fault, I had a rough childhood."; "I can't help it, my anger just takes over.") becomes dysfunctional permissiveness and self pity. Forgiving yourself without learning from your destructive behavior, and without determining how to change, is aptly termed denial by recovery programs.  If you don't recognize the consequences of your destructive behavior, and accept responsibility for it, you have no incentive to change. 

 

However, simply hanging on to resentment will not really protect you, or allow you to let go of the past and move on in your life.  As long as you hold onto the resentment, you will feel like a helpless, hopeless, dependent victim of your past history.  You do need to learn to forgive, but just giving up resentment is not sufficient. You need a new model of what forgiveness is.

 

The need to forgive may include several things:

*You may need to forgive yourself for doing emotional, mental or physical damage to others.

*You may need to forgive yourself for doing emotional, mental or physical damage to yourself.

*You may need to forgive yourself for letting others damage you in those ways.

*You may need to forgive others (parents, children, spouses, friends) for hurting themselves in all the above ways.

*You may need to forgive others for doing emotional, mental or physical damage to you.

 

Safely and honestly forgiving all these past hurts is not accomplished by simply giving up resentment. First you must find a way to be safe from future damage and abuse.  Once you have learned how to create safety you can rely on, and you know you have the ability to protect yourself from damage, and to prevent yourself from causing damage, forgiving past destructive behavior, (your own and others') becomes easy, because you are no longer threatened. When you have real reasons for resentment, both against others and against yourself;  the assurance that you can take care of yourself so that you won't be hurt again is the only thing that makes true forgiveness possible.

 

Recognizing the consequences of your own destructive behavior and taking responsibility for it does not mean punishing yourself; it means becoming aware of the ideas and feelings that are behind your behavior, and learning how to change them. It is possible to love and approve of yourself now and still be aware that you have allowed yourself to be damaged by yourself and others, and that those experiences have been painful and destructive.  If you've caused yourself pain in the past by being involved with abusive people, you can learn to understand your inner reasons for feeling dependent on such abusive people.  By using your inner awareness and the following exercise, you can change the patterns that keep you helpless in such relationships.

 

If your own behavior has been damaging to yourself or others, you don't have to continually blame and punish yourself in order to remember the consequences of destructive behavior.  Instead, you can use your inner awareness to find the deep inner feelings and beliefs underlying your behavior and make the necessary changes. 

 

Although it is often not possible to prevent others from hurting themselves or attempting to hurt you, you can take steps to see that their rage and destructive behavior does not threaten or damage you. Remembering who hurt you is not the same as condemning them. You can be wary of their out-of-control or problematic behavior, and recognize that they are fallible human beings, too, and often more damaged by childhood experience than you were, and that until they repair their own damage, as you are repairing yours, you must keep a safe distance.  In fact, the possibility that someone might lose you, or that you will keep a safe distance because of his or her destructive behavior, is often the only type of confrontation that will cause him or her to accept responsibility for bad behavior.

 

The following exercise will help you to learn new ways to cope with situations where you were hurt by others.  Through visualization, you can learn to protect yourself from others by rehearsing and changing old painful scenes as many times as you need to make sure you know how to take care of yourself.

 

It is not easy to be sure an old behavior problem (your own or someone else's) is gone forever.  Even when you or the other person has done inner work to correct the problem, in a situation of enough stress it may still return.  This exercise will help you learn how to take care of yourself in difficult and painful situations, and give you a chance to practice various solutions and responses until you find the ones that work, without risking any real- life consequences.  This is learning to care for yourself in very realistic terms, and it begins with healing old, painful scenes.

 

This exercise will help you to take control of events in your past and replace them with new, more effective behavior. I believe “Time Travel” is the single most powerful exercise you can do to clear out old traumas and build autonomous skills, including the ones that keep you safe from emotional, mental, or physical harm.  It will help you develop the self-protection needed to achieve forgiveness and let go of damaging behavior, situations and people. 

 

Through consistent use and practice of this exercise, you will no longer need resentment to protect you, because you have learned how to ensure your safety.  You will be able to release and forgive old hurts, recognizing that the people who caused them (yourself included) didn't know any better ways of behaving at the time.  As you learn how to protect and care for yourself, you will also learn how to recognize when others are uncaring, and what to do about it. 

 

You can use this exercise to heal various hurts.  For example, if you're having a recurring dream that troubles you, you can use this exercise to replay the dream, and it won't bother you any more.  By using scenes from your present or future (a quarrel with your current mate, or an encounter that you're afraid will happen with someone who's angry at you) you can use “Time Travel” to practice risk taking (rehearse in advance social events where you'll meet new people, or talk to someone you've been shy around).

 

To allow yourself the full impact of the exercise, without interruption, read the following steps into a  tape recorder and play them back.

EXERCISE

TIME TRAVEL

 

1. Visualize the source of anger or pain: To begin, sit quietly by yourself, and close your eyes. Visualize yourself in a painful scene from the past.  You will learn how to correct the scene, take care of yourself, forgive whoever created the problem, and forgive yourself for your own participation. Allow the troubling scene from your memory to appear around yourself. You may get a mental picture, or if not, just imagine the scene as you remember it.   Remember to use your senses, to establish your scene clearly. If your scene is very painful, or frightening, view the scene as objectively as you can, as though it is a story about someone else.   

2. Enter the scene as a hero. Like a time traveler from the future, visualize yourself in the scene as the person you are today. There will be two of you present, your self who had the original experience, plus the you from today, who will fix things. 

3. Take charge of the scene.  Now it's time to take over the story and protect yourself. Do whatever is needed to stop whoever is upsetting, hurting or neglecting you.  If the other person is too badly behaved,  you can make them leave-- you have total power here, in your imagination. Use that power to protect yourself.  It often helps to surround yourself with loving people, or to call in the police if the scene is violent. 

4. Take care of yourself.   The early version of you may be frightened, angry, confused, feeling helpless, or overwhelmed with grief -- the "heroic you" can be rational, effective, competent and reassuring.  You may encounter some resistance to doing this, in the form of feeling incapable of taking care of yourself. You can do this over and over in your mind until you get it right.  You can try to fix the situation in several different ways, before you decide which is best.  Remove yourself from danger; comfort and reassure; correct any lies you were told by telling the (positive) truth and establish a friendship with yourself. If your former self needs some information or help, provide it.  Promise that you will never be left at the mercy of ignorant, malicious, incompetent, or uncomprehending people again. 

5. When you feel safe, consider forgiveness.  When you have corrected the scene enough that you are out of danger and feeling safe, think about what happened.  Analyze what went wrong and who made mistakes, and decide how to avoid being the victim of those same mistakes again.  Once you know you will not be hurt again (because you'll do what it takes to protect yourself,) you'll find that you are ready to forgive whomever hurt you, and will understand that they just don't know how to behave. 

6. Go to a safe place. Close the scene by visualizing yourself in a safe, secure place, completely out of danger.  Promise yourself that you'll be there when you're needed, and you’ll be careful, strong and self-protective. This means that you will not leave yourself alone, dependent, or at the mercy of people who are hurtful, and you will not be “nice” and allow someone to hurt you.   Do not leave the scene until you feel calm and secure.

6. Repeat regularly. After you have done “Time Travel” the first time, you can keep your promise to keep yourself safe (and build self-trust) by checking in with yourself as often as needed, until it becomes an unconscious habit. Doing this exercise repeatedly, whenever old, painful memories arise, will eventually clear out traumas and correct the damage done while helping you practice the autonomous skills needed to take care of yourself. You'll find that you instinctively know when someone or something is hurtful to you, and when you're being hurtful to others.  You'll also know what to do to correct the situation, (don't be alone with violent or emotionally hurtful people, don't allow yourself to be in tempting or dangerous situations, and so on) and you'll feel safe enough to forgive those who are confused and behave in hurtful ways, because their behavior will no longer be dangerous to you.

 

Overcoming your resistance to facing yourself and becoming aware of your inner feelings and beliefs, and learning how to care for yourself effectively, and to release the hold the past has on you, helps you develop emotional autonomy.  The more adept you become at self-awareness, learning and forgiveness, the more autonomous you can be.  The hurts of the past can be healed, and you can feel capable of taking care of yourself. When you feel stronger than those who attempt to hurt you, forgiveness comes naturally.  (From It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction)   

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: Infidelity -- Stay or Go?

Discovering your partner has been unfaithful is a shock. Your first instinct may be to run, but if you have a shared history, children and finances, you may wonder – should you stay or go?

Dr. Romance shows you how to decide.

When you get the devastating news that your spouse has had an affair, how do you decide whether to stay or go? Because you feel betrayed, your first impulse is usually anger, and wanting to leave – fight or flight. But, after you calm down, you realize there’s a lot you’ll lose, and you may have children to consider.

Don’t make an instant decision you may regret later, after the damage is done. It’s possible to find an extraordinary love after divorcing late in life, but most of my clients report the potential partners out there are no better than the ones they left.

While I don't think you should stay and suffer if nothing’s working, in my practice I see many couples who do the work and wind up happier than before. The affair may have happened after long-standing problems in the marriage, which can actually be corrected to the satisfaction of both partners. Often dissatisfaction grows from resentment, and the root causes can be fixed with the help of counseling.

If both partners are willing to change what’s not working, a marriage can be improved can be turned into a satisfying life of enjoyable companionship.

I also see a fair number of couples who get back together after a divorce, because they had a chance to see what it’s like to be alone, and to calm down and get over petty resentments. Unfortunately, now they’re a lot poorer because of the costs of the divorce, dividing up property, and so on.  "Infidelity: Stay or Go" gives you some reasons to stay or go:

Top 5 reasons to stay:

*Your spouse truly recognizes he or she has a problem, and is willing to get help to fix it, and to be accountable for rebuilding trust.

*You two are going to counseling, and understanding why the affair happened, and how to fix the problems.

*You're getting your own sex life back on track, if it was off track.

*You have a long, shared history, joint finances, and family ties that make it worth keeping the marriage together.

*You still love each other, and it's clearly mutual.

Top 5 reasons to go:

*Your spouse is in denial, makes excuses, and blames you. This means he or she is invested in the cheating behavior, and not ready to change.

*You have had it, no longer feel connected, and are not willing to work on it. Be sure this isn't just temporary anger.

*You are prepared to be on your own.

*You either have no children, they're grown, or you're certain a divorce will be better for them than what's going on.

*Your spouse refuses to give up the other relationship, or infidelity in general.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Asking for What you Want

Dr. Romance writes: In my counseling office, I see a lot of relationships damaged because people don’t know how to ask for what they want, or don’t think it’s OK. Whether it's your couple relationship, family connections, friends or work colleagues, not asking for what you want means you’ll eventually resent somebody, and that leads to a lot of strife. So today, I thought I’d give some hints about how to ask for what you want. To really be successful, you need to understand the difference between asking and demanding, and how to approach different people.

The Importance of Wanting
If you don't know what you want, you'll have trouble getting it and experience a life-long feeling of deprivation, disappointment, scarcity, and resentment. When you aren't able to express what you want clearly you'll have difficulty feeling generous about your partner's or friend's wants and needs.

In your relationship, asking for what you want in a helpful, non-threatening way helps both you and your partner understand each other. If you don’t know what you want, you won’t realize if you achieve it. If you don't know what your partner wants, you can wind up with a false or one-sided solution, that will leave one or both of you feeling unsatisfied, overpowered, or manipulated. In couple counseling, when I ask partners to state their wants they often discover to their amazement that their wants are quite similar, and the problem disappears. The conflict between them was only their lack of understanding and communication.

Being clear about what you want is like putting all the true facts on the table, just as you lay all the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle out, so you can see them better, and more easily solve your puzzle.

Difference between wanting and demanding
Much of the confusion about expressing wants occurs because no distinction is made between wanting and demanding. Stating what you want is an effort to communicate clearly, so you and your partner can both be satisfied, while demanding is insisting that your partner give you what you want, without regard for his or her wants and feelings. You can tell the difference because when you are asking, you can handle getting a no answer; when you are demanding, you get upset if what you're asking for is denied. When you ask for what you want, you need to have a back-up plan in case the other person doesn't agree.

You need to know how to ask for what want directly, and in a rational, not emotional manner. Your partner will respond much better to “Honey, will you take out the garbage?” than to a whiney “The garbage can is overflowing, and it smells bad.” or "I have to do everything around here.” 

Learn to listen to your partner's feelings when you want something. Some people do not respond well to a direct request, they do better when feelings are talked about. Saying “Wait till the game is over, honey.” may be received as not caring about feelings. “I'm sorry it's bothering you, sweetheart, I'll take it out as soon as there's a commercial break.” will let your partner know you care about what he or she wants, and your partner will be happier with it, even though the result is the same. However, if you ask for a postponement of the chore, be sure and do it when the time comes.

How NOT to get what you want: (Common mistakes)
• Exaggerate your want: The fear that you may not get what you want may cause you to say you want more than you really do, (“I want you here all the time”). This is confusing to both you and your partner, and because your wants are exaggerated, makes it look much more difficult to reach a satisfactory solution than it really is.
• Overstate your need: The fear that you won't get your wants met may cause you to state what you want as if your survival depended on it (“I'll just DIE if you don't come with me”). This causes your partner to feel suspicious that he or she is being manipulated, and resist cooperating with you.
• Argue for or justify your want: Anxiety that your wants are not important enough to be satisfied may lead you to present them as a persuasive argument, with an overwhelming flood of reasons why you should want them or that the wants should be satisfied, (“I should get more of the money than you do, because .......”). This can provoke your partner to object and argue in return, rather than listen.
• Not say what you want: Belief that you won't get what you want anyway, or that differences in wants will cause a fight, may lead you to say you “don't care” or “it's not important” or just be silent, when the truth is you'll resent not getting what you want.
• Understate your want: Fear that your partner will be upset, hurt or unhappy if you say what you really want may lead you to ask for something else (“Let’s ask your sister to go with us” when you really want an evening all alone together.) This confuses your partner, and makes it impossible to get what you really want because you haven't said what it is.

The Importance of Knowing What you Want
You may be wondering why being clear about what you want is getting so much emphasis here. Many people have serious trouble knowing what they want, feeling comfortable communicating it, and stating it clearly. Many people have difficulty solving problems because they do not know what they want, or, if they do know, cannot express it effectively to someone else.

We often grow up suppressing our desires -- sometimes to the extent of not even being aware of them. Most of us learn in early childhood that:

• Wanting is selfish and that we should be polite and let others wants come first (“Be polite, let Susie have the toy”)
• It isn't OK to want (“Don't even ask me for a cookie just before dinner”)
• We want too much (“of course you can't have a new toy, do you think I'm made of money?”)
• If we get what we want, someone else will be deprived.

These internalized criticisms and restrictions make us anxious about getting what we want and even convinced that we won't.

In addition to all these other restrictions on wanting, you may have the idea that the consequences of wanting are bad (no one will like you), and so it is too scary to know what you want. Because knowing what you want sometimes means you risk being disappointed and many people have an exaggerated idea of how bad disappointment feels (if I don't get what I want I'll be miserable), they avoid wanting at all.

Steps to Getting What You Want:
If you have difficulty in knowing what you want and communicating it, try these steps:

1. Get clear about what you want: You can’t express what you want effectively if you’re not clear what it is, so before approaching your partner, your boss or your child with a request, think about it and make sure you can write it down in one clear sentence.

2. Create a good atmosphere: If asking for what you want is difficult for you, don’t do it without preparation. Make sure you and the person you’re asking both have time, and invite the other person to sit down and talk with you.

3. Simply state what you want: Don’t preface your statement with a lot of disclaimers – they make the other person feel accused of something. Just ask, politely, for what you want.

4. Be prepared to accept a “no.”: Remember, if you can’t accept a no answer, then you’re making a demand, not a request, so have a backup solution. Find a way to get what you want for yourself, even if the other person isn’t cooperating. For example, if you don’t get that raise you deserve, maybe it’s time to begin a job search.

5. Listen politely to the other person’s answer: Whether the other person says yes, no, or something in between, listen carefully to what he or she says. Don’t get all caught up in a lot of worry and noise inside your head – pay attention. You need to know what the answer is.

If you follow these steps, you’ll find you’re successful a good percentage of the time, and when you aren’t you have a backup plan – so you really can’t lose.
adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance: Stop Reacting and Start Relating

Dr. Romance writes: After more than 40 years of happy marriage, Richard and I agree there’s no better delight than sharing life with a loving partner, when you get along as well as we do. How to Be Happy Partners: Working It out Together is all about relating instead of fighting, so I thought I’d share an excerpt with you.　

Any willing couple can learn to build a happy relationship if they stop reacting and learn to respond thoughtfully. As an individual you have ideas and beliefs about how certain things in life should be handled, and so does your partner; and we all tend to assume everyone, especially a person who loves us, will see it our way. During dating, you two may have felt that you agreed with each other on everything. But, after you married things changed. You were probably shocked when you realized the object of your affections, your dream come true, the Prince or Princess Charming you fell in love with had different ideas about how life, love, home, finances and children should be.

In well over forty years of counseling, I’ve spent many hours teaching couples techniques and information that allows them to communicate and solve problems, rather than fight endlessly about the same things. In over forty years of marriage, I’ve also learned from my own experience that there’s a big difference between the skills and attitudes one needs to date and fall in love, and what is needed to make married life, home and family work smoothly. There’s a difference between being lovers and being partners, and on top of all that, keeping enough romance and fun alive to make it all feel worthwhile. Those of us who succeed are the blessed ones, the happy ones, and you can be, too.

When you learn a view your relationship as a partnership, rather than a challenge or a competition, you discover new ways to think about sharing and working together to make all your decisions about money, sex and kids mutual ones. With a little information and practice, you can stop fighting and become a successful, happy couple. You can create a partnership that will cause you to feel blessed and happy.

Solving instead of Struggling

According to researcher John Gottman and several other studies, couples who can solve problems successfully together tend to have relationships that last. If you've been through a tough time together, then you’re probably frustrated, hurt and anxious. This erodes your patience and reasonableness with each other, and makes it difficult to think clearly.

Successful couples don’t have any special magic. By trial and error, through counseling, books, and talking to other couples, they figure out how to create a relationship that works. To create a working partnership, you need to teach each other how understand one another, so you can get along. When you’re working together or spending time with each other, instead of complaining, criticizing or resenting each other, try asking each other what you’re thinking about the situation. "I think it would work better to do this--what do you think?" As you listen to each other, and focus on sharing what you know, you’ll grow in understanding and teamwork. Most partners would rather have each other’s company than do it all alone, especially if you're companionable company. The best way to end the ‘who is supposed to do what’ argument is to do it (or at least work it out) together and make it fun. A smart partner will make this as easy as possible: make it fun, affectionate, and focus on becoming a team. Rather than figure out who’s right, couples need to focus on what works, and find ways to motivate each other to work together.

Celebration + Appreciation = Motivation

Motivation comes from celebration and appreciation. When partners get frustrated, they have a tendency to complain to and criticize each other rather than appreciate each other. If you give in to your urge to criticize, you'll mortally wound your marriage. If you want to motivate each other, you need to share as much appreciation and celebration as possible. Work with each other, thank each other, and make doing the work as much fun as possible.

You Can Stop Fighting

If you've had a difficult time with each other, I’m sorry, and I know you’re frustrated, but if you will renew your patience, start working together to fix the problems, and try the information and exercises in How to Be Happy Partners you will see results in a short time. Most of the couples I counsel succeed in fixing their problems, and you can, too. Looking for a solution is the first step toward success. You can learn how to change focus from fighting to developing the ability to talk about what is going on and focus on solving the problem, which leaves a lot more time for having fun and getting things done. Any willing couple can learn to build a happy relationship, and I wish that for you. 

 For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Weaving the Web

Dr. Romance  writes: Disasters, wars and tragedies rivet the world's attention, and inspire many of us to give and to do whatever we can to help.  

 

One of the things I’ve come to see as my life and career progress is that whatever we do to help even one person has far more influence than we can realize.  Each person we teach, encourage, or help to heal is then empowered to carry that teaching, encouragement and healing on to others.  The inspiring book and movie, both titled “Pay It Forward,” puts this concept in the form of a type of debt: instead of paying people back for what they’ve done for us (which isn’t always possible) the pay it forward concept urges us to pay the debt to others who need it.

 

This happens automatically when we learn from a great teacher, whether in person, through books, or by the stirring life example of role models such as Buddha or Mohandas Gandhi.  I have been fortunate to have had a great mentor who guided me through re-formatting my own personality and beliefs, and then taught me how to be a caring and effective counselor.  His teachings and examples are now part of my consciousness, and I use them to help others.  All the great thinkers in psychology whose books I have read, like James Hillman and Thomas Szasz , also influence my work and their ideas pass on to my clients. 

 

Then, those I have worked with use what they’ve learned with people I’ll never know.  Clients can be teachers, too: I learn from my clients every day, and pay what I learn forward to future clients. Can you imagine the web of wisdom building as we all help one another with what we learn?

 

You are part of this web, we all are.  Everyone who influences you positively was in turn taught by someone before them: the web stretches back to Plato, to Jesus, to Moses, to the great Arabic and Asian thinkers who first devised the numbers we use.

 

We all recognize that we can be influenced negatively, that we can be brought down by scary newscasts, violent and cynical movies and tv, but this web of positive influence is so much more powerful and important.  “People and peoples come and go, live and die,” writes Robert Wright in Non Zero, “But their [ideas], like their genes, persist.  When all the trading and plundering and warring is done, bodies may be lying everywhere, and social structure may be in disarray.  Yet in the process, culture, the aggregate menu of [ideas] on which society can draw, may well have evolved.”

 

Whether or not you have children to follow after you, you will leave behind a legacy.  It’s your positive influence on others, on life, and on this shrinking planet we live on, and it never dies.  The web will remain, nurturing a supporting human life for as long as it exists, and your influence will be a part of it.  © Tina B. Tessina, 2024 adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

 

 

Dr. Romance On: Comforting the Little Orphan Child

Dr. Romance writes: When life hands me a very difficult time, and I feel defeated and overwhelmed, I enter a hopeless and helpless state of mind I think of as The Little Orphan girl. This is the way I felt, as a teen, when I lost nearly my whole family, father, aunts and uncles, between the ages of 12 and 18. Needless to say, I was devastated; and I also survived and eventually, thrived. But little orphan girl in my memory doesn’t remember that I made it through; she sinks into despair. When I realize this is going on, I know I have to snap out of it, get into adult thinking mode, and comfort and reassure that sad little part of myself. 

Everyone has a similar mental place they can get stuck in: sometimes, people call it "depression" although it’s not really clinical depression. It’s just a form of mental exhaustion, perhaps due to grief, frustration, disappointment or some other problem. Transactional analysis calls this sad and anxious child part of the psyche the little professor, and here’s how it works, and what to do about it. 

Comforting the Little Orphan Child

Everyone laughs when they describe a small child as "four years old, going on forty." Small children can often seem wise and capable beyond their years. If a child has parents who are absent, incompetent, immature or neglectful to the point that the child’s well-being is neglected, the child often takes charge and tries to keep things together. He or she uses observation, imitation, experimentation and pretending to solve problems and keep things together when the parents are not functioning well. Often this is an oldest child, who also takes responsibility for younger siblings, and becomes a substitute parent for them as well as I or herself. Eric Berne, M. D. the developer of Transactional Analysis theory, called such a child a "Little Professor." Robert Phillips, M.D., describes how this happens in his monograph, "Structural Symbiotic Systems":

"When Tom reaches twenty-four months of age, he has had sufficient healthy parenting so that he is generally willing to relate to others pleasurably and to explore his small world with enthusiasm.

"On a particular day he toddles into the kitchen where Mother is baking a cake for Father’s birthday. His senses excited by the sight of Mother’s busily relaxed body and by the combined smells of her body and bubbling chocolate, he looks up at Mother and smiles. She smiles in return and, permission granted, he scurries happily to another room to explore, experiencing more stimulation from eye-catching and tactily-differing objects. Soon he returns excitedly to the kitchen, bent perhaps on his first show-and-tell, alive with sensation and awareness.

"But - what is this! There sits Mother in the corner of the kitchen, hunched over in a tense position and crying, with sharp edges on her sobs. Tom’s world is suddenly disrupted - he whimpers and gets no response from Mother.

"What has he done or not done to account for this catastrophe, Tom wonders in his small magical mind. Tom does not know and might never know that during his brief absence Mother received a telephone call from Father who angrily criticized her for omitting his habitual salami sandwich from the lunch-bag. Bewildered and fearful, Tom waits and waits and finally takes a desperate dare for survival. He awkwardly moves toward Mother, awkwardly extends his arm, and awkwardly pats her shoulder, uttering the magical words "I love you."

 "And with the suddenness of magic, Sobbing Beauty immediately comes to life again in Tom’s world. Mother catches rapturous Tom up in her arms, wets his face with her redemptive sadness, and pronounces the words which will become the curse of grandiosity, "You’re my wonderful little man! I couldn’t get along without you." Tom’s small chest expands with pride, his head swells with self-righteousness, and he is immersed in a lethal mixture of liquids which someday might drown him – environmental tears, in combination with an internal bath of both adrenalin and acetyl-choline." [from Structural Symbiotic Systems]

Little Tom has now taken over the role of comforting and parenting his mother. If this only happens sporadically, he will learn some useful skills, and still have a mother who is capable when he needs her. But, a child with a mother who is habitually helpless, perhaps drunk or incompetent, soon forms a habit of caretaking. Highly intelligent and resourceful children can do well enough at caretaking to get a lot of praise and gratification from their accomplishment. 

Further problems arise when the Little Professor is smart enough to be successful at the caretaking. For such a child caretaking and "acting as if" he or she knows what to do become strongly ingrained habits. A child with this background often grows up to be a highly competent, but stressed and anxious adult. The anxiety is a result of pretending. No matter how successful and competent the person becomes, no matter what he or she achieves, it never seems real. The Little Professor feels like a child who’s pretending to be a grownup.

Until you do the work to separate your childlike self from the past, bring it into the present, and acknowledge all your adult experience and expertise, you will feel as if someone else must be running your life.

Recovering from Little Professor syndrome is not difficult, once you realize you’re behaving in this way. The key is to recognize your competence as an adult, and to learn to identify the difference between using your adult intelligence and using your childlike ability to "fake" what you’re doing. Reassure yourself that you survived whatever was devastating in the past, and you can get through this difficulty, too.

 Guidelines for Using Grownup Thinking

1. Pay attention to signals: Notice when you feel anxious about what you’re doing, especially if you’re having anxiety attacks with rapid heartbeat or shortness of breath. This is a strong indication that you’re in "Little Professor" mode. With practice, you can learn to identify the signals that you’re anxious.

2. Use logic: Ask yourself some logical questions about what you’re doing and feeling: Is there a good reason to be so nervous? What am I afraid of? What’s the worst that could happen? How can I make sure I’m OK? Simply asking these questions, or questions about the facts, such as who, what, when, where, and why; will help you think more like a grownup.

3. Move into adult mode: Remind yourself of all your adult experience and competence. Remember you are not a child.

4. Consider your reasoning: Ask yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing. Can you explain it logically? If not, perhaps it’s a reactive, rather than a rational decision.

5. Develop a plan: Make a reasonable plan to accomplish whatever you want to do, break it down into steps, and stick to it. This will reduce the chances of being sidetracked by emotional reactions.

When you stay in adult mode, you’ll find that it’s much easier to distinguish your true responsibilities from those that belong to others. You’ll feel much more competent, and much more in charge of your own life.

© 2024 Tina B. Tessina from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

 

Dr Romance on: Relating With Love

Dr. Romance writes:

Why do relationship counselors, speakers and authors say repeatedly that your relationship depends on how well you communicate with each other?  Because marriage is a partnership and to create teamwork, you need to keep each other informed, and keep yourself aware of your partner’s ideas, wants and reactions. We all know a lot these days about the techniques of communication, but I find that many of my clients don’t understand the necessary attitudes to create domestic happiness.

The Sweetness Factor

Nothing improves communication and intimacy better than enhancing the sweetness in your marriage. We live in a cynical, hard-edged culture, so it’s easy to become embarrassed or shy about being sweet to each other, but when you see the difference a little sweetness makes in your emotional life, you’ll understand why it’s worth it, and that no matter what the bickering couples in the sitcoms are modeling, being kind and tender toward each other creates a much better relationship.  If you put more energy into expressing your love and appreciation for each other than you put into arguing and resisting each other, you’ll be creating your own happiness.  Research shows that a happy, loving partnership will enhance your self-esteem, improve your mental and physical health, and even give you longer life! When your life together is loving and pleasurable, you’ll have more energy for success in everything else you do.  When you can count on each other to be protective, supportive, kind, and caring, and to do your respective parts in the partnership, you have a firm foundation for handling whatever life brings you.  The calm assurance you get from knowing you are loved and cared about makes it easier to think clearly and make good decisions. It’s a great blessing to be and have a loving and reliable partner with whom to make plans and carry them out.

To increase the sweetness in your relationship, try the following:

*Express gratitude:  Count your blessings out loud.  Remember to say “thank you” to your partner, even for little things. If you’re thinking about it, you’ll be able to find things to express gratitude for several times a day.  If you have a spiritual or religious background, give thanks together for everything.  My husband and I say “And we thank Thee, for receiving; that which we need to know, that which we need, and that whom we need to know, and the courage to act upon it and the energy to follow through,” whenever we want to give thanks. 

*Be courteous:  Nothing ramps up the sweetness more than old-fashioned courtesy.  Being familiar with each other is not a reason to drop your “please and thank-you’s.”  Politeness is lubrication for your daily interactions, it makes everything go more smoothly. 

*Look, smile and touch: There’s an actual electrical connection that passes between us when we touch.  To demonstrate this in seminars, I use a ‘magic wand’ that contains a battery, and is wired so that you have to put one hand on each end of it to light it up.  I ask a couple to hold hands, and then have each of them hold one end of the wand with the other hand, so it lights. Then, I ask them to let go of each other’s hand, and the light goes out, even though they’re still holding the wand.  This even works with a big circle of people, when two are holding the wand.  When everyone holds hands, the wand lights—if anyone in the circle drops another’s hand the wand goes out, because the electrical circuit of the connected bodies is disconnected.  Also, neurology research shows that your brain “lights up” when you look at someone you love. In my office, I know that when I get a couple to look at each other and hold hands, their arguments become much less angry.   You can use that electrical connection to provide “juice” in your marriage.  Look at each other and smile frequently when you’re together; give each other little pats, massages, gentle touches, and hold hands frequently when you’re walking or driving, you’ll keep the energy (and the sweetness) flowing between you.  Your physical body will remember all those little looks, caresses and smiles.

*Give compliments:  It costs nothing to say “You look good” or “I like your shirt” or “You did a great job” and it gives back countless rewards.  Give each other as many complements as you can manage, every day.  Between complements and gratitude, you can really pump each other up and both of you will feel great, and look like you do.                    

*Celebrate:  Make a fuss, big or small, over every little accomplishment or milestone you achieve.  Remember, Appreciation + Celebration = Motivation.  If you want to motivate each other to stay together, work toward a good marriage, be a success, or be more loving; celebrate and appreciate every tiny step in a good direction.  You’ll be surprised how quickly you achieve your goals when you celebrate every step along the way.

*Party: Create a party atmosphere for bigger celebrations.  Toast a celebration with champagne or sparkling cider, a gathering of friends, or a thankful prayer. Create a celebration environment: use balloons, music, flowers, candles, or set your table with the best china.

*Visible reminders: Surround yourself with visible evidence of your successes. Plant a commemorative rosebush or get a new houseplant to mark a job well done, or display photos and souvenirs of fun events, vacations and sports or hobby trophies.  It's a constant reminder of your ability to have fun with each other.  Or get together for an impromptu lunchtime picnic and a balloon.  

Relating with Love

Relationships have their unavoidable stresses and strains.  To keep things in balance, put a bit of energy into increasing the sweetness between you.  Thoughtfulness, 'thank you=s' and gestures of politeness and affection are the WD-40 of your partnership.  Keep things running smoothly by remembering to add a spritz of sweetness frequently.  You'll be amazed at how good you feel, and how much more responsive your partner is.

Guidelines for Relating With Love (Six things to remember)

1. It's not about who's right or wrong it’s about solving the problem together. If you try to win the argument, you'll lose something more important B loving feelings.
2. With listening, caring and the willingness to change, anything in your relationship can be fixed. There=s no need to be afraid B just turn up the love.
3. It's a partnership, silly! Stop struggling, and learn to work together.  Focus on teamwork and sharing.
4. Behavior that enhances relationships with people at work, and with your friends, will probably work if you use it with your spouse. Seek to be more rational and less angry or emotional.
5. What goes around comes around, in love as well as life. If you want more of love, try giving more. It will work every time.
6. Act like the grownup you are, not a little kid. Think before you speak and focus on solutions, not problems.  Give up whining, complaining and suffering, and step up to taking responsibility and loving more. Adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together             

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: Response - Ability

Dr. Romance writes:

In my counseling practice, I hear a lot of self-justification, mind-reading, defensiveness, blaming and complaining.  Clients who do this tend to have relationships, friendships, business connections and day-to-day living which are not going well. Their lives are not about trying to understand their own role in the problem, so they can deal with it effectively, but to push the responsibility off onto someone else, and avoid it.

The problem with this kind of thinking is that each of us gets the results of what we do or don’t do, whether we try to blame someone else, ignore the problem or run away from it. No matter what, sooner or later, the problem lands right back in our laps, usually made worse by the avoidance. Often, in an attempt to avoid responsibility, we try to control someone else and make the problem theirs.

Who’s in control; and whose problem is it?
Most of us feel more comfortable being in control of the situations we’re in, so much so, that we often pretend we’re in control when we’re really not, or try to control situations that we cannot reasonably handle.

Remember, you are never in control of another person, even if it seems that you are, and that they wish you to be. You can’t control who you’ll meet, when or where you’ll meet them, how anyone else will feel, or what they’ll do.

Self-control is the only real control you have. However, it is all the control you’ll need. By taking responsibility for your own actions, words, and reactions, you can greatly stack the odds in your own favor. I think of responsibility as response-ability: the ability to respond to life, people and events. While you may not be responsible for most of what happens, you are completely responsible for your reaction to what is happening. For example, if you are out with a new person and that person acts in some rude, uncaring or unacceptable manner, You have the ability to respond in many ways.

Whenever you’re in a difficult situation, you can react irresponsibly, getting defensive, angry or running away. Many people do this without thinking, and it makes the situation worse. The response-able person will consider his or her options. Think about what your responsibility is in this situation, and take charge of your words and actions. If you respond thoughtfully and with integrity and honor, most other people will calm down and interact with you on that higher level. Being response-able means using all your self-control, skill and knowledge to take care of yourself, even when it’s difficult.

RESPONSE-ABILITY
If you're over 21, you're an adult—like it or not. That means you are responsible for everything you say and do, and you are in charge of yourself and your life. Love is one of the areas of life where many of us have trouble remembering that we are adults, with responsibility.

Often, people react to the idea of responsibility as they would to the words “fault” or "blame"; as though saying “you're responsible for your life” means “you should feel guilty about your life.” This sense of responsibility is childlike. It reacts and responds as though an angry parent were standing over you saying "Who's responsible for this mess?".

Adult responsibility is something else altogether. It is really response-ability; that is, the ability to respond to life. Rather than placing blame, this way of thinking acknowledges personal power. Response-ability is the capacity to choose. Out of many possible responses, I can always choose the one I make. Response-ability is remembering to be in charge and make careful, thought-out choices.

What seems hard at first for most of my clients is understanding the need to take this kind of responsibility. The expression “taking responsibility” is ironically misleading, because actually we have no choice. We are always responding to situations, even if our response is to do nothing. It does little good to worry about what other people are choosing, because you really haven't any say about it. Your responsibility is to take care of yourself; no one else can do that for you.

When you respond with the best of your ability, and accept and handle whatever consequences you have helped to create, you not only benefit from your choices, but your life and relationships will improve immensely.

 Adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow UP and Out of Dysfunction   

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance: Stop Reacting and Start Relating

Dr. Romance writes:

My beloved Richard and I have been married 42 years as of last month. We have had our differences, but we both learned in previous relationships that fighting doesn't solve anything, and responding works a lot better. Here's how I teach couples to do it in my therapy practice.

Responding, not Reacting

Any willing couple can learn to build a happy relationship if they stop reacting and learn to respond thoughtfully. As an individual you have ideas and beliefs about how certain things in life should be handled, and so does your partner; and we all tend to assume everyone, especially a person who loves us, will see it our way. During dating, you two may have felt that you agreed with each other on everything. But, after you married things changed. You were probably shocked when you realized the object of your affections, your dream come true, the Prince or Princess Charming you fell in love with had different ideas about how life, love, home, finances and children should be.

In forty five years of counseling, I’ve spent many hours teaching couples the techniques and information that will allow them to communicate and solve problems, rather than fight endlessly about the same things. In forty two years of marriage, I’ve also learned from my own experience that there’s a big difference between the skills and attitudes one needs to date and fall in love, and what is needed to make married life, home and family work smoothly. There’s a difference between being lovers and being partners, and on top of all that, keeping enough romance and fun alive to make it all feel worthwhile. Those of us who succeed are the blessed ones, the happy ones, and you can be, too.

In Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed  you’ll learn a view your relationship as a partnership, rather than a challenge or a competition, and you’ll discover new ways to think about sharing and working together to make all your decisions about money, sex and kids mutual ones. With a little information and practice, you can stop fighting become a successful, happy couple. The point of this book is to show you how to create a partnership that will cause you to feel blessed and happy.

Solving instead of Struggling

According to researcher John Gottman and several other studies, couples who can solve problems successfully together tend to have relationships that last. If you've been through a tough time together, then you’re probably frustrated, hurt and anxious. This erodes your patience and reasonableness with each other, and makes it difficult to think clearly.

Successful couples don’t have any special magic. By trial and error, through counseling, books, and talking to other couples, they figure out how to create a relationship that works. To create a working partnership, you need to teach each other how understand one another, so you can get along. When you’re working together or spending time with each other, instead of complaining, criticizing or resenting each other, try asking each other what you’re thinking about the situation. "I think it would work better to do this--what do you think?" If you listen to each other, and focus on sharing what you know, you’ll grow in understanding and teamwork. Most partners would rather have each other’s company than do it all alone, especially if what you’re doing is new, and if it's companionable company. The best way to end the ‘who is supposed to do what’ argument is to do it (or at least work it out) together and make it fun. A smart partner will make this as easy as possible -- make it fun, affectionate, and focus on becoming a team. Rather than figure out who’s right, couples need to focus on what works, and find ways to motivate each other to work together.
Celebration + Appreciation = Motivation

Motivation comes from celebration and appreciation. When partners get frustrated, they have a tendency to complain to and criticize each other rather than appreciate each other. If you give in to your urge to criticize, you'll mortally wound your marriage. If you want to motivate each other, you need to share as much appreciation and celebration as possible. Work with each other, thank each other, and make doing the work as much fun as possible.

You Can Stop Fighting

If you've had a difficult time with each other, I’m sorry, and I know you’re frustrated, but if you will renew your patience, start working together to fix the problems, and give the information and exercises in this book a couple of months, you will see results. Most of the couples I counsel succeed in fixing their problems, and you can, too. If you’re reading this book, which means you’re looking for a solution, and that’s a big step toward success. In subsequent chapters of this book, you'll learn how to change focus from fighting over money, sex and kids to developing the ability to talk about what is going on and focus on solving the problem, which leaves a lot more time for having fun and getting things done. Any willing couple can learn to build a happy relationship -- and so can you.

 © Tina B. Tessina, 2024  Adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance's Fair Fight Guidelines

Dr. Romance writes:

 

Thirty years of counseling couples and forty-two years of my second marriage have convinced me that fights are not necessary in a marriage.  Married couples need to have discussions, they need to solve problems, and sometimes they need to disagree, but they don’t need to squabble, argue, bicker or fight.  Fights are dramatic, which is not helpful to a discussion. If you have enough energy to create drama, you have more than enough to tone it down into a discussion.  However, because social expectations and mythology are so strong, many of my clients want guidelines for “fighting fair.” I’ve developed a set of Fair Fight Guidelines you may find helpful.

 

Fair Fight Guidelines

If you feel a fight is unavoidable, you can still find a win-win resolution if you follow these guidelines.

*Remember the point of the fight is to reach a solution, not to win, be right, or make your partner wrong.

*Don't try to mind read. Ask instead what he or she is thinking.

*Don’t bring up all the prior problems that relate to this one. Leave the past in the past; keep this about one recent problem. Solve one thing at a time.

*Keep the process simple. State the problem, suggest some alternatives, and choose a solution together.

*Don't talk too much at once.  Keep your statements to two or three sentences.  Your partner will not be able to grasp more than that.

*Give your partner a chance to respond and to suggest options.

*Practice equality.  If something is important enough to one of you, it will inevitably be important to both of you, so honor your partner’s need to solve a problem.

*Ask and Answer questions directly. Again, keep it as simple as possible. Let your partner know you hear him or her.

*State your problem as a request, not a demand. To make it a positive request, use “I messages” and “please”.

*Don’t use power struggle tactics: guilt and obligation, threats and emotional blackmail, courtroom logic: peacekeeping, sacrificing, or hammering away are off limits.

*Know your facts:  If you’re going to fight for something, know the facts about the problem:  Do research, find out what options are available, and know how you feel and what would solve the problem for you. 

*Ask for changes in behavior, don’t criticize character, ethics or morals. 

*Don’t fight over who’s right or wrong.  Opinions are opinions, and that won’t solve the problem.  Instead, focus on what will work.

*Ask your partner if he or she has anything to add to the discussion. "Is there anything else we need to discuss now?"

*Don’t guess what your partner is thinking or feeling.  Instead, ask.  “What do you think?” Or “How do you feel about it?”

*Hold hands, look at each other, and remember you’re partners.

*If you’re angry, express it calmly.  “I’m angry about ……” There’s no need for drama, and it won’t get you what you want. Anger is satisfied by being acknowledged, and by creating change.  Anger is a normal emotion – rage is phony, it’s drama created by not taking care of yourself.

*Acknowledged and honor your partner’s feelings – don’t deflect them, laugh at them or freak out.  They’re only feelings, and they subside when respected, heard and honored. 

*Listen with your whole self.  Paraphrase what your partner says; check to see if you understand by repeating what is said. “So you are angry because you think I ignored you. Is that right?”

*No personal attacks or criticism. Focus on solving the problem.

*If you want to let off steam (vent), ask permission or take a time out.  Handle your excess emotion or energy by being active (run, walk, hit a pillow,) writing, or talking to someone who is not part of the problem. Don’t direct it personally at anyone. You can’t vent and solve problems at the same time. 

*Don’t try to solve a problem if you’re impaired: tired, hungry, drunk or unstable.

*Surrender to your responsibility.  When you become aware that you have made a mistake, admit it and apologize. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

(Adapted from How to Be Happy Partners) 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Should I say yes to him?

Dear Dr. Romance:

My boyfriend of a month and a week was planning a surprise for my birthday (he was trying to keep it a secret.) well we got in to a fight 3 days ago and last night I took him back. He was talking to my bff on IM and he told her I took him back and told her he was going to propose to me on my birthday to prove that he loves me, and he was stupid and told me he had a big surprise for me. I didn't want to wait and he wouldn't tell me then he says that she knows so don't ask her. 

I did and after about an half hour of begging her to tell me he got online and she told him I was mad cuz she wouldn't tell me. Well I figured it out and I asked her and she wouldn't tell me if I was right so I assumed I was and they were talking about it and he asked her to lie to me and say that's not what he was planning she ended up sending me that part saying damn it she knows please tell her no that's not it she said I'm not fond of lying and he said please. Well I freaked out a little in a bad way. I told him if he is planning to do that to expect disappointment and she said that today he said he was going to ask me any way I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice? I mean I love him but I don't know if I should be his wife after all we have only been dating for a month and a week. Can you help me? 

Dear Reader:

Of course you're not ready to be married to someone you've only known for five weeks. Actually, I don't think you're ready right now to be anyone's wife. You need to grow up first. So does your boyfriend, and your friend doesn't sound helpful, either. Talking behind your boyfriend's back, guessing instead of asking, and throwing temper tantrums is not a very grownup way to communicate or to develop a healthy relationship. You both need to calm down, learn to talk about things rationally, and understand what a mature, healthy relationship is. Instead of saying yes, say "I love you, but I don't think we're ready to be married yet."  Then work with him (leave your bff out of it) to be more mature about your interactions.    "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship?" and "Stupid Cupid" will help you figure out what a healthy relationship is, and how to build one. How To Be A Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will teach you how to communicate effectively, make plans and agreements that work, and solve problems together. That's what marriage is really about.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: Without Ego

Dr. Romance writes: 

 

When  reading philosophical  teachings and writings, I often wonder why the body and the ego are seen so negatively, as if they somehow are antithetical to spirituality.  Although ego, body and mind are not all we are, each is part, an expression of the whole self, included in our precious gifts from God, the Universe, Life, Spirit. It would be as sensible to hate or degrade a mathematical problem given me by a teacher for learning purposes.  Of course I can be frustrated in my efforts to solve a difficult problem; that is merely an expression of my eagerness to achieve. How much easier on me, however, to enjoy the puzzle, to marvel at my reasoning processes and their growth and  development as I draw nearer, bit by bit, to the solution.  Even so, frustrated or not, I learn.

 

There  are  those of us who love school, and those who hate it. Nevertheless, we are all in school. And the ego, the mind and the body are our major learning tools.    Through them, we learn the concepts  of   attachment/detachment, freedom/responsibility, joy/pain, wisdom/ignorance. These concepts, once grasped and mastered, are our prerequisites for the next level of learning in which we are (perhaps)  freed of  body/ego  and introduced to new tools.

 

If I reject my body, my ego, or my so-called negative emotions, I am rejecting myself.  If I reject myself, I am rejecting a holy creation and gift.  If I reject or denigrate integral parts of my self, then I am split, dysfunctional, not whole, and not comfortable in my body and with my sense of self.  How much more joyful it is to regard my life as the finest Montessori School of all time, where the sandbox and mudpuddles offer learning experiences equally as rich and essential as do the books of poetry and lofty philosophy.

 

Without body:

 

We couldn’t enjoy the many sensory and sensual experiences of this life

We wouldn’t learn the invaluable lessons of getting obsessive about those experiences, and learning the self-control they teach us.

We would miss out on learning to love and cherish our brief moments on this planet, the fleeting nature of which is reflected back to us by the body’s aging process.

We wouldn’t be able to interact on a cellular level with the air, food, minerals, water, and the other beings, literally becoming one with the planet on a daily basis.

We would miss the powerful lessons we’re learning right now, that if we pollute our environment, we pollute ourselves – physically, emotionally and spiritually.

We would not have the viceral (gut) experiences of the physical components of our emotion – the hormonally driven ecstasy and agony of emotional joy and pain.

We’d miss out on so much of artistic expression – dance, the musical beat that originally was born of heartbeat, sound, light, color, poetry, theater and all the rest of that exuberance.

 

Without ego:

We’d  have no control over our emotions, and be battered around by them, like a ship in a stormy sea with no rudder.

We wouldn’t be able to protect ourselves against others’ emotions and feelings, and every little thing others said and did would cut us to the quick.

We wouldn’t be able to make plans and follow through to reach goals

We couldn’t keep ourselves going in a productive direction when obstacles come along

We’d have no sense of who we are, how we are the same or different from others, and we’d never learn the lessons of shared humanity.

 

As a psychologist, I seek to help people integrate all the components of ego, body, emotions, mind and spirit until they all work together in a healthy human way.  Perfection is not the goal: healthy living is.  When your body (with all its human flaws and imperfections) functions well, all its many cells, organs, hormones, fluids, muscles, bones, nerves and sinews cooperate and work together to help you experience and express your life.  When your body, mind, spirit, emotions (and yes, your ego) work together, spirit doesn’t have to work against ego, ego doesn’t have to work against spirit, and there’s no internal fight; no struggle for supremacy, no inner denial or right/wrong battle.  Each component does its part, and all work together to help you become the most shining example of who you are.  That’s what the old gospel song about “this little light of mine” and “inner light” or “inner spirit” means: when all of who we are works together, we are free to be the best of who we were born to be.

 

When I think of my body with all its billion miracles and exquisitely effective methods of expression both conscious and unconscious; with all its components of which I approve and those for which I have enough self-denial to disapprove; I am suddenly reminded to regard my whole self (body, mind, spirit, emotions, and ego ) with the awe, gratitude, and gentleness I deserve.  I know I can count on all my component parts to help me through my lessons for when my body, my ego, or my feelings you insist I focus my attention I cannot deny them.

 

My Ego has a sharply focused viewpoint; boundless pride; a fine-tuned sensitivity to others' egos; and the ability to keep me focused: on my uniqueness  (often auto-interpreted as weirdness); my responsibility to me; and my essential human aloneness.  It is a precious, irreplaceable tool. When I can manage to see myself, not as a disparate collection of separate parts, but as an amazing, cohesive design of interconnected, finely designed components working smoothly together, I am filled with awe at the miracle of each one of us, myself included.  When I stop trying to resist, resent, overpower, deny or ignore parts of myself, and instead seek to help the whole human package be the best I can be, I find myself as peaceful and joyful as I have ever been.

 

I sense that when the time cones to exchange my body/ego for new tools, I will feel bereaved. Let me not waste a moment of this opportunity to learn with such companions as I may not know again, my ego, my emotions, and my body! (From It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction © Tina B. Tessina)

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance on Life Lessons

Dr. Romance writes:
As I look back, I am grateful for the lessons of my life.  Perhaps the most important lesson I’ve learned is that a meaningful life is about growing your soul, and it happens slowly, in the process of engaging life.

   

My own soul was battered early, when all the closest people in family died during my teenage years, and I was left alone, terrified, without money, education or an idea of what to do.  I just stumbled through the days, months and years, too afraid to feel what I feared was inside me, grasping at the wrong lifelines, and clinging to the wrong people until, divorced, bereft, suicidal, and single, at age 27, I entered therapy and began to develop my soul through exploring my feelings.   It would save my life, and be the basis for a personal renaissance.  As I searched for meaning and purpose, I began to understand I’d been put on Earth to learn and grow, and to use what I’d learned in the process of healing myself to help others.  Now that I’m 80, I find that sense of purpose is still serving me well, and has been the source of many blessings. 

 

As a child with no religious training, but growing up in the beautiful surroundings of the Catskill mountains, I sensed a Power behind the workings of the Universe, which has inspired me to yearn and aspire, comforted me in times of pain, and provided clarity and direction when I needed it. Human relationships bruise, batter and comfort me and teach resilience and humility.  Love urges my soul to blossom and glow, compassion causes it to blur at the edges, and so I learn to accept others as they are.

 

Every day, I have the delight and privilege of loving Richard, my husband, a real, human, fallible man.  We’re about the same age, he’s losing hair, I’ve gained weight.  But, after 42 years, we have fused our hearts and souls, if not our personalities.  He makes it clear that he loves me, though I often frustrate him; and I am grateful for his presence in my life on a daily basis.  Our intimacy is lovely, thank you, even if it doesn’t match movie fantasies.  We laugh together, we share the struggles of daily life together, and the thought that he might die before I do fills me with dread.  It took me 37 years to find him, and no media beefcake image could replace my very own, live and kicking, formerly red-haired leprechaun. I am so grateful to share life with him.

 

My friends are equal blessing and challenge.  We can be cranky, we occasionally carelessly hurt each others’ feelings, and we don’t always say the right thing.  But, we are here for each other when we’re really needed, we do our best to be caring and kind, and we forgive each others’ imperfections. I give thanks for friends daily.

 

Soul growth often comes out of crisis.  Most of my clients come to me, not focused on gratitude, but on some crisis in their lives: a relationship disaster, marriage or family problems, lack of direction and motivation, some huge loss for which they’re grieving, an emotional problem such as anxiety or depression, or perhaps even for help in recovering from an addiction. As we sort through the crisis, handle immediate problems, and get everything settled down, and then embark on an extended process of figuring out what happened and what must change, life gets easier. 

Then, frequently, they ask: "Now that I'm in charge of myself, and have a lot of extra energy, because  life is a lot easier and my relationships are working, it feels like I'm missing something: what am I doing here?”

   

This begins a spiritual search for meaning, which I've outlined in The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve-Step Programs.  Psychologist Abraham Maslow explained in his “Hierarchy of Needs” that once the basics of life are established, people need a sense of meaning and a higher purpose than just survival.  When self-confidence and self-esteem are in place, we need a challenge to feel satisfied, a way to express our uniqueness and individuality to ourselves, to friends, and to the world.

 

But if your life's purpose is not evident to you already, how do you find out what it is?  Where does a sense of purpose come from?  It comes from within, and cannot be not imposed or chosen from outside.  Your purpose may be connected to your livelihood, or it may have nothing to do with how you make a living. Your purpose may be a simple one, like making a good, healthy life for yourself and your children, or it may be more dramatic, and based on what you learned by healing your own childhood experience.  Inner purpose has the power to transform anxiety, anger, fear and rage into powerful, life-affirming action.  A life purpose gives you the means to control your destiny, no matter what the force of the hardships you have incurred. 

 

Most of the world’s spiritual thinkers have said that the wisdom guiding each of us is available if we just listen and trust what we hear. Purpose may make itself clear in one instant flash, or gradually, by following clues, one at a time. Whether you get it all at once or a piece at a time, it will still take work and experience to bring it about.  Inner  wisdom is not rational or practical in nature, but more intuitive and spiritual. It can provide a way to see the big picture, or a more detached and objective viewpoint of the issues and problems of life.  Each new idea must be tested through practical use, to see how it works.  Step by step, using both intuitive wisdom and clear thinking, you can bring your inner motivation to the surface and use it to create what you want. A combination of inspiration expressed through action will develop the meaning of your own life. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will guide you to the right path.  

 

Here’s how I expressed my own experience of it, in a poem called “Grace”

 

   Life
 is worked
  On a wheel
  Sloppy, slippery
    Formless base clay
    Rising coaxed, caressed,
   Coerced and beaten into shape
Tested in passion's consuming fire
   Until worthy to catch and hold
A bit of the liquid grace
Pouring unceasingly over us.

 

© 2024 Tina B. Tessina (adapted from It Ends With You and The Real 13th Step)

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Your Bestest Friend: You

I have a friend, Maggie, who has been my friend since 1968, and she calls me her “bestest” friend as a way of appreciating our connection.  It always makes me smile, and I feel the same about her.  Often, my clients have trouble learning to appreciate and trust themselves, and I think  Maggie’s phrase should apply to the only relationship we’ll have from birth to death: the relationship with self.  Are you your own bestest friend?   

 

Whether you realize it or not, the relationship you have with yourself sets the pattern for how you connect with others.  By developing a nurturing way to relate to yourself, you create a personal experience of both giving and receiving friendship. Best of all, you’ll have greater trust in your decision-making ability when you recognize yourself as your own best friend.  When you become comfortable with a constructive inner dialog, you can create an inner support system – you’ll become more confident in your evaluation of your thoughts, feelings, and options.  The following exercise explores how you treat yourself as a friend and builds on your discoveries in the previous exercise.

 

Journal Exercise: Developing  Inner Friendship

Get out your journal and find a comfortable place where you won’t be disturbed, and write the answers to the following questions:

1.  How do you relate to  yourself?  

    *Are you supportive of yourself?

    *Do you seek your own opinion or ignore it?

    *Do you consciously talk over decisions with yourself before you make them, or just worry ineffectually about them? 

    *Do you enjoy time with yourself, or avoid being alone?

    *Do you celebrate your accomplishments and successes?

    *Do you motivate yourself to do well? 

    * Do you tend to criticize everything you do?

Add any other aspects of how you relate to yourself:

 

2. Compare your internal relationship with your definition of friendship.   You may be dismayed to find out you treat yourself quite differently from the way you treat friends.  You might keep promises to a friend, but often renege on promises you make to yourself. You may not treat yourself with kindness and respect.  Perhaps you mentally "nag" or criticize yourself. You may never break a date with a friend, but keep putting off your time with yourself. The best test of your friendship with yourself is: If someone else treated you the way you treat yourself, would you want to be her friend?

 

3. Becoming a friend to yourself.   In the previous exercise, you discovered the kind of friendship you enjoy.  Now that you have compared your way of having an external friendship with your way of having an internal friendship, you have some more work to do.Decide to improve the way you treat yourself and put your decision into effect by developing three simple ways you if doing so.

One way to approach this task is to treat yourself as you would treat a good friend. Ask yourself, "What would I do for Maggie if she were in my shoes? What would I say to her?" It’s likely that you’re usually kinder to her than to yourself.  How would you speak to your friend if you thought she forgot to do something? Do you treat yourself more harshly?  By comparing the way you treat yourself with the way you treat your friends,  you will begin to develop clear guidelines about how to be your own friend.  Write down your ideas about befriending yourself, and put them into action.

 

4. To develop trust, be consistent. You must be consistent in order to create an internal bond, and a strong habit of being a good friend to yourself.  Always treat yourself with care and consideration.  Create a list of guidelines for your internal friendship and post it where you can see it often.  Renew your plan for being a better friend to yourself every week for at least six weeks.  With consistent practice, treating yourself well becomes much easier and feels more comfortable.

 

A big advantage of knowing who you are is knowing how to pamper and comfort yourself when you’re stressed or tired.  Use what you have learned about your style to develop a style for recharging and relaxing. What makes you most comfortable?  What soothes you? What helps you recharge?  It can be anything from a bubble bath, a yoga session, or your favorite music to a long walk in the country, a phone conversation with your best friend, or a nap. Make a list of your favorite  “personal rechargers”.  Make sure the list includes simple things you can do cheaply (such as relax with a cup of tea and read a favorite book) to things that are very special (such as spend a day at a bed and breakfast or have a massage and a facial).   Keep the list where you can refer to it whenever you feel in need of a recharge, and make use of it often.

 

Some people believe being a good friend to yourself is selfish, but you’ll discover that it’s really the opposite, because  if you maintain your internal friendship, it becomes easier to be a good friend to others, and to recognize when others are good friends to you.

 

© Tina B.Tessina, 2024 Adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected] 

Dr. Romance on Learning Forgiveness

 Dr. Romance writes:

Learning to forgive those who hurt us is an essential life skill, because it helps develop inner maturity, frees us from emotional bondage to the other person, and helps us develop the power to move on.

   

Forgiveness begins with learning to forgive yourself for any damage you may have done to yourself and others with destructive habits and for allowing others (beginning with your family, and including later adult relationships) to be unkind or abusive to you or take advantage of or disrespect you.

 

My definition of forgiveness is a bit different than you may have been taught.  The dictionary defines to forgive as "to give up resentment of", which I have found is nearly impossible if you’ve been really hurt: often there are too many real injuries to forgive. It can also be unwise,  because resentment is like a reminder to yourself to "watch out; this hurt me before".  Ignoring the past and forgiving others who may still be abusing you now ("He didn't mean to beat me up, he was just drunk" ) gets you hurt or mistreated over and over again.  Dependency is often perpetuated by being “nice,” forgiving and forgetting that someone has hurt you, and not confronting the person or ending the relationship.

   

Forgiving yourself for past destructive behavior, if not based on a real, inner change of attitudes ("it wasn't my fault, I had a rough childhood."; "I can't help it, my anger just takes over.") becomes dysfunctional permissiveness and self pity. Forgiving yourself without learning from your destructive behavior, and without determining how to change, is aptly termed denial by recovery programs.  If you don't recognize the consequences of your destructive behavior, and accept responsibility for it, you have no incentive to change. 

 

However, simply hanging on to resentment will not really protect you, or allow you to let go of the past and move on in your life.  As long as you hold onto the resentment, you will feel like a helpless, hopeless, dependent victim of your past history.  You do need to learn to forgive, but just giving up resentment is not sufficient. You need a new model of what forgiveness is.

 

The need to forgive may include several things:

*You may need to forgive yourself for doing emotional, mental or physical damage to others.

*You may need to forgive yourself for doing emotional, mental or physical damage to yourself.

*You may need to forgive yourself for letting others damage you in those ways.

*You may need to forgive others (parents, children, spouses, friends) for hurting themselves in all the above ways.

*You may need to forgive others for doing emotional, mental or physical damage to you.

 

Safely and honestly forgiving all these past hurts is not accomplished by simply giving up resentment. First you must find a way to be safe from future damage and abuse.  Once you have learned how to create safety you can rely on, and you know you have the ability to protect yourself from damage, and to prevent yourself from causing damage, forgiving past destructive behavior, (your own and others') becomes easy, because you are no longer threatened. When you have real reasons for resentment, both against others and against yourself;  the assurance that you can take care of yourself so that you won't be hurt again is the only thing that makes true forgiveness possible.

 

Recognizing the consequences of your own destructive behavior and taking responsibility for it does not mean punishing yourself; it means becoming aware of the ideas and feelings that are behind your behavior, and learning how to change them. It is possible to love and approve of yourself now and still be aware that you have allowed yourself to be damaged by yourself and others, and that those experiences have been painful and destructive.  If you've caused yourself pain in the past by being involved with abusive people, you can learn to understand your inner reasons for feeling dependent on such abusive people.  By using your inner awareness and the following exercise, you can change the patterns that keep you helpless in such relationships.

 

If your own behavior has been damaging to yourself or others, you don't have to continually blame and punish yourself in order to remember the consequences of destructive behavior.  Instead, you can use your inner awareness to find the deep inner feelings and beliefs underlying your behavior and make the necessary changes. 

 

Although it is often not possible to prevent others from hurting themselves or attempting to hurt you, you can take steps to see that their rage and destructive behavior does not threaten or damage you. Remembering who hurt you is not the same as condemning them. You can be wary of their out-of-control or problematic behavior, and recognize that they are fallible human beings, too, and often more damaged by childhood experience than you were, and that until they repair their own damage, as you are repairing yours, you must keep a safe distance.  In fact, the possibility that someone might lose you, or that you will keep a safe distance because of his or her destructive behavior, is often the only type of confrontation that will cause him or her to accept responsibility for bad behavior.

 

The following exercise will help you to learn new ways to cope with situations where you were hurt by others.  Through visualization, you can learn to protect yourself from others by rehearsing and changing old painful scenes as many times as you need to make sure you know how to take care of yourself.

 

It is not easy to be sure an old behavior problem (your own or someone else's) is gone forever.  Even when you or the other person has done inner work to correct the problem, in a situation of enough stress it may still return.  This exercise will help you learn how to take care of yourself in difficult and painful situations, and give you a chance to practice various solutions and responses until you find the ones that work, without risking any real- life consequences.  This is learning to care for yourself in very realistic terms, and it begins with healing old, painful scenes.

 

This exercise will help you to take control of events in your past and replace them with new, more effective behavior. I believe “Time Travel” is the single most powerful exercise you can do to clear out old traumas and build autonomous skills, including the ones that keep you safe from emotional, mental, or physical harm.  It will help you develop the self-protection needed to achieve forgiveness and let go of damaging behavior, situations and people. 

 

Through consistent use and practice of this exercise, you will no longer need resentment to protect you, because you have learned how to ensure your safety.  You will be able to release and forgive old hurts, recognizing that the people who caused them (yourself included) didn't know any better ways of behaving at the time.  As you learn how to protect and care for yourself, you will also learn how to recognize when others are uncaring, and what to do about it. 

 

You can use this exercise to heal various hurts.  For example, if you're having a recurring dream that troubles you, you can use this exercise to replay the dream, and it won't bother you any more.  By using scenes from your present or future (a quarrel with your current mate, or an encounter that you're afraid will happen with someone who's angry at you) you can use “Time Travel” to practice risk taking (rehearse in advance social events where you'll meet new people, or talk to someone you've been shy around).

 

To allow yourself the full impact of the exercise, without interruption, read the following steps into a  tape recorder and play them back.

EXERCISE

TIME TRAVEL

 

1. Visualize the source of anger or pain: To begin, sit quietly by yourself, and close your eyes. Visualize yourself in a painful scene from the past.  You will learn how to correct the scene, take care of yourself, forgive whoever created the problem, and forgive yourself for your own participation. Allow the troubling scene from your memory to appear around yourself. You may get a mental picture, or if not, just imagine the scene as you remember it.   Remember to use your senses, to establish your scene clearly. If your scene is very painful, or frightening, view the scene as objectively as you can, as though it is a story about someone else.    

2. Enter the scene as a hero. Like a time traveler from the future, visualize yourself in the scene as the person you are today. There will be two of you present, your self who had the original experience, plus the you from today, who will fix things. 

3. Take charge of the scene.  Now it's time to take over the story and protect yourself. Do whatever is needed to stop whoever is upsetting, hurting or neglecting you.  If the other person is too badly behaved,  you can make them leave-- you have total power here, in your imagination. Use that power to protect yourself.  It often helps to surround yourself with loving people, or to call in the police if the scene is violent. 

4. Take care of yourself.   The early version of you may be frightened, angry, confused, feeling helpless, or overwhelmed with grief -- the "heroic you" can be rational, effective, competent and reassuring.  You may encounter some resistance to doing this, in the form of feeling incapable of taking care of yourself. You can do this over and over in your mind until you get it right.  You can try to fix the situation in several different ways, before you decide which is best.  Remove yourself from danger; comfort and reassure; correct any lies you were told by telling the (positive) truth and establish a friendship with yourself. If your former self needs some information or help, provide it.  Promise that you will never be left at the mercy of ignorant, malicious, incompetent, or uncomprehending people again. 

5. When you feel safe, consider forgiveness.  When you have corrected the scene enough that you are out of danger and feeling safe, think about what happened.  Analyze what went wrong and who made mistakes, and decide how to avoid being the victim of those same mistakes again.  Once you know you will not be hurt again (because you'll do what it takes to protect yourself,) you'll find that you are ready to forgive whomever hurt you, and will understand that they just don't know how to behave. 

6. Go to a safe place. Close the scene by visualizing yourself in a safe, secure place, completely out of danger.  Promise yourself that you'll be there when you're needed, and you’ll be careful, strong and self-protective. This means that you will not leave yourself alone, dependent, or at the mercy of people who are hurtful, and you will not be “nice” and allow someone to hurt you.   Do not leave the scene until you feel calm and secure.

6. Repeat regularly. After you have done “Time Travel” the first time, you can keep your promise to keep yourself safe (and build self-trust) by checking in with yourself as often as needed, until it becomes an unconscious habit. Doing this exercise repeatedly, whenever old, painful memories arise, will eventually clear out traumas and correct the damage done while helping you practice the autonomous skills needed to take care of yourself. You'll find that you instinctively know when someone or something is hurtful to you, and when you're being hurtful to others.  You'll also know what to do to correct the situation, (don't be alone with violent or emotionally hurtful people, don't allow yourself to be in tempting or dangerous situations, and so on) and you'll feel safe enough to forgive those who are confused and behave in hurtful ways, because their behavior will no longer be dangerous to you.

 

Overcoming your resistance to facing yourself and becoming aware of your inner feelings and beliefs, and learning how to care for yourself effectively, and to release the hold the past has on you, helps you develop emotional autonomy.  The more adept you become at self-awareness, learning and forgiveness, the more autonomous you can be.  The hurts of the past can be healed, and you can feel capable of taking care of yourself. When you feel stronger than those who attempt to hurt you, forgiveness comes naturally.  (From The Real 13^th Step) and It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  © Tina B.Tessina 2024

   

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance: "Don't Panic"

Dr. Romance writes: There is always something in the news or on TV to scare us.  Hysterical articles in the media sell papers, and attract eyeballs to websites, but are usually exaggerating the facts.  If you listen without evaluating what you’re being told, it’s easy to become frightened.  There's a reason why I don't usually waste time and energy on panic and drama.

In my office, I see the negative results of panic every day.  People get upset, they're afraid of emotional consequences, and they overreact, which can actually create the consequences they fear.  Panic is an overreaction to a real (or even imagined) problem.  Frightening yourself beyond the real need to deal with a problem puts your body into "fight or flight" mode -- as though your life were immediately threatened.  Emotional panic can create a shutdown of feelings -- so you're in a state of shock.  In this state , you cannot think clearly, or make good responses, choices and decisions.  In panic, we do not retain information, absorb what we hear, or accurately assess the situation.  Panic is the worst thing you can do in a real emergency, and if the situation is not dire, panic will make it worse.

Panic is a natural startle reaction that gets exaggerated and becomes prolonged.  People often learn to panic because, in early childhood, panic can get us out of responsibilities.  Freaking out, crying, throwing temper tantrums, or shutting down are all panic responses small children use which cause some competent adult to take over and become the hero. This can be okay once in a while, but as this pattern repeats, it becomes rescuing and codependency.  Panic creates drama – unnecessary and damaging exaggeration of the problem -- which leads to dysfunctional responses and overblown family drama.

We admire people who don’t panic. Our President is admired for being "no drama Obama" because he retains his ability to think clearly, take his time, and make effective decisions even when the people around him are panicking. People who can stay calm usually come out OK, because they think clearly.

So, what do you do in a scary or upsetting situation?  Teach yourself how not to panic, so you can think clearly and handle the problem effectively. Practice these techniques to teach yourself to stay calm when the situation is threatening or the people around you are obviously in a panic.

To learn to calm down, you can follow these simple steps for resolving your fear and anxiety:

1. Learn to recognize the signs of your own panic.   If you feel the telltale signs of panic -- a racing or pounding heartbeat, flushing of the face or body, and mental confusion -- you are in a state of panic.  If you are shouting, saying unreasonable things, or just saying whatever comes out of your mouth, without thinking about consequences, you are in a state of panic. Stop what you’re doing, and follow the rest of the steps here.

2. Take some deep breaths.  Deep breathing will calm your body, and burn off the adrenaline that’s been released in the panic.  Slow down, count to ten, focus on thinking clearly and factually rather than reacting emotionally.

3. Take responsibility to figure out what you’re afraid of.  Unless you’re in immediate, direct danger, what’s scaring or upsetting you is probably not as urgent as you think.  Make a list of what you’re afraid of.  This will help you move beyond free-floating anxiety, and begin to think more clearly.

4. Check the facts. Is what's on the news really true?  Is what you're afraid of actually happening, or is your fear creating false "facts."  Does the source you're listening to have something to gain by putting you in a panic?  Are they trying to sell you something, get federal funding, or get elected?  Are you reacting to someone else’s panic?  Get some facts about whatever is frightening you.  Is there a real, immediate threat, or is it just wise to be cautious?  Is your partner actually going to abandon you, or is he or she just angry about something?

5. Make a decision about what to do about each fear.  If it’s a health fear, perhaps better hygiene or a talk with your doctor will resolve it.  If it’s a relationship fear, finding out what your partner is really thinking (instead of guessing) will probably make more sense.  If it's the news, taking a break from nightly news and checking out facts can be calming.

6. Take some action to resolve the problems or threats you’re facing.  Get a flu shot, go for relationship therapy, check the facts, or have a good talk with your partner or family member.

7. Sell yourself on a positive outcome. Think of all the possible great outcomes of the changes you're making. Consider what you will learn, and how much better your life and relationships will be without the panic.

With a calmer outlook, you’ll be able to make better decisions, and create a more successful outcome.  I wish you peace, within yourself, within your family, within the world.           

For more information on learning to manage your feelings, It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction has information, exercises and case histories to help you learn the skills. (C) Tina B. Tessina, 2024 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

 

Dr. Romance on How to Be Irresistible to Your Mate

Dr. Romance writes: So many couples I see in my office are in trouble because they have a knee-jerk oppositional response to each other – they’re defensive and critical, rather than welcoming and understanding.  They don’t seem to realize that listening and understanding your partner doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with everything that partner wants or thinks.  Being pleasant doesn’t mean you’re a patsy, and it’s more effective to be loving than to be right.

    Guidelines for Being Irresistible to Your Mate    

 

1.  Don’t resist, listen.    

We often have a knee-jerk negative response to what a mate tells us, or wants to do.  Instead of replying negatively “That won’t work...” “We can’t do that...” Try listening and thinking for a few seconds more.  You may find out your initial response changes, and at any rate, listening and understanding is not the same as agreeing. 

 

2.  Look your mate in the eyes and smile.

Unless your partner is talking about something really sad (job loss, death, etc.) where a smile would be inappropriate, look him or her in the eyes and smile while you’re listening.  Your companion will automatically feel more understood and cared about, which will change the feeling level of the discussion.

 

3.  Touch each other.    

Sit near your significant other, and gently place your hand on his or her shoulder, leg, or arm.  If you’re in the car, lightly touch his or her shoulder or arm.  You’ll find your conversation becomes warmer and more caring.

 

4.  Try laughter. 

If something frustrating is happening, try easing the tension with a bit of humor.  After a difficult interaction in a store, on the way out, you could say “That went well.” with a touch of irony.  Or, when someone drops something and makes a mess, you could say “the gremlins are here again.” Or use quips like "that went well" or “It could happen” to change stress to silliness. Don’t poke fun at your mate, but use shared humor as a way to say “I know this is tough, but we’ll get through it.”  Your mate will think of you as someone soothing and helpful to have around when problems happen.

 

5.  Use pleasant surprises.

Try a love note in your spouse’s briefcase, a post-it with a smiley face on the underside of the toilet seat, a flower, plant, card or balloon for no reason, or an unexpected gentle pat on the rear, a hug or a kiss to say “I’m thinking good thoughts about you, and I love you.”

 

6.  Ramp up the sweetness.

Married life has its unavoidable stresses and strains.  To keep things in balance, we need to put a bit of energy into increasing the sweetness between us.  Thoughtfulness, “thank you’s” and gestures of politeness and affection are the WD-40 of your marriage.  Keep things running smoothly by remembering to add a spritz of sweetness frequently. 

 

7.  Devote time to your marriage.

No matter how crazed you are with work, kids and bills, it’s essential to put aside regular time each week for the marriage.  Have a “date night” which includes a “state of the union” discussion (include the positive things going on) or take a pleasant walk or drive.  Keeping connected means things don’t build up to fighting status, and you’ll remember how good you are together.  Don’t forget to celebrate and appreciate each other.  Motivation comes from celebration and appreciation.

 

8.  Focus on Partnership.

Remember that first and foremost, before anything else, you’re partners.  Keep that in mind and check frequently to make sure you’re acting like partners, and not competitors or avoiders.  You’re in this thing together, and partnership is what it’s all about.

 

9.  Reminisce about Good Times.

“Remember when....” is a great start to a loving conversation.  It creates so much good feeling to remember how you were when you were dating, when you got married, when you first bought your house, when you had your first child, when you got that promotion.  Reminding yourselves of your solid history together is a way to increase your bond.

 

10. Brag to friends in your mate’s hearing.

Of course, tell your mate to his or her face how much you care, but also be sure to tell your friends, while your mate is around, what a great guy or gal you married.  “Harold is so thoughtful.  Today he helped me around the house.”  Or “Sue is such a great mom.  She really gives the kids a sense that they’re loved and she still keeps them toeing the mark.”  Or, “Did you hear? Fred got a big promotion.  I’m so proud of him.”  Or, “I don’t know what I’d do without Judy.  She’s so great with money.”  Or “Doesn’t my sweetie look great today? I’m so lucky.”  Don’t worry if your partner looks embarrassed.  He or she will also be pleased, and remember your brag for a long time.  (adapted from How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition © Tina B. Tessina, 2024)

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance: Stupid Cupid

 Dr. Romance ^(TM) writes: With Valentine's Day coming up, I thought I'd talk about what relationships need to succeed.  In my counseling practice I see lots of couples who don’t make it, for various reasons.

Cupid, the god who represented love to the ancient Romans, was blind. In mythology, he’s been represented as a cherub, a perpetual baby, (which means someone without wisdom or judgment) who flies around zapping people with his arrows, throwing them helplessly into infatuation with whomever they happen to be with when the arrow strikes. This is a great metaphor for the sensation of "falling in love" instantly, otherwise known as limerence, lust, or "blind love." Unfortunately, lust doesn’t last, and love isn’t blind forever. I thought I’d outline some basic ideas to help others begin their relationships on the right foot.

Because I see so much of the damage caused by people blindly connecting, rushing through the stages of commitment, and not creating the solid basis a true relationship needs, I always welcome the chance to do pre-commitment counseling. My job is to ask the tough questions that, in the excitement of a new romance, the couple may not have considered. Here are several questions every couple should consider before moving in together or making joint financial commitments:

1. What is your definition of commitment?

Whether you know it or not, you and your partner will define your relationship. If you don't know what your relationship means to both the of you, you risk repeating past mistakes, getting stuck in uncomfortable roles, or fighting about what a healthy relationship is. Talk about what you mean by words such as relationship, commitment, love, and faithfulness. You'll be amazed by what you learn.

 2. Have you discussed finances?

Next to sex, money is the biggest generator of problems, arguments, and resentment in long-term relationships. Couples tend to assume that money should be pooled, but it usually isn't that easy. A disparity in income can mean struggling about who pays for what, or whose income determines your lifestyle. Different financial habits (one likes to save, the other spends more, or doesn't keep track) can become a source of argument. For many couples, separating your money makes things run smoother; you don't wind up struggling for control. You can split expenses evenly, or work out a percentage share if your incomes are different.

3. What about household responsibilities?

If you're not yet living together, take a tour of each other's homes. Drastically different decorating styles, neatness, and organization levels can become sources of argument, as can housekeeping and chores. If you have different tastes, it may require a lot of creativity and negotiation to decorate a joint home in a way that makes both of you comfortable.

Additionally, think hard before moving into your partner's established home. You may have trouble feeling as if you "belong" in a home that was previously established by your partner, unless you participate together in reorganizing and redecorating it.

4. How close are you to family or friends?

If one of you has a lot of family or friends, and the other does not, find out what those relationships mean. Where will you spend holidays? If there are family members who have problems, such as addiction or mental illness, how much will that impact your relationship?

5. How do you handle anger and other emotions? We all get upset from time to time. If you are usually good at diffusing each other's anger and being supportive through times of grief or pain, your emotional bond will deepen as time goes on. If your tendency is to react to each other and make the situation more volatile and destructive, you need to correct that problem before you live together.

6. How do you show love to each other?

Sharing what actions and words mean love to you may be surprising. Even if it's a struggle, discussing how you give and receive love will improve your relationship. You will understand what makes each of you feel loved, and how to express your love effectively.

7. How well did you discuss these very questions?

Asking yourselves these questions are excellent tests of your ability to define and work out problems. Constructive discussion that leads to a mutually satisfactory solution means you know how to solve problems in your relationship. If not, get counseling before going further.

 Staying together

The skills couples need to keep intimacy alive in a long-term relationship differ from new relationship intimacy skills, and they're not easy to learn, because people don't talk about them. Basically, couples need to lower their expectations of romance and glamour and raise the level of fun they have together. Regular weekly talks (I call them State of the Union discussions) keep the problems minor, the resentment level down, and the communication open, so that there is time and space for intimacy. In a successful, long term relationship, passion becomes a shared sense of humor and goodwill toward each other. I spend every day teaching couples how to do these things.

Generally speaking, men value competency and problem solving. Women value intimacy and emotional connection. The truth is that learning successful problem solving ends fighting and power struggles, and therefore leads to more intimacy. You may think he's focused entirely on time, power or money, when he's really trying to create enough security that he can feel safe to let his guard down.

Intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted. When this feeling is created, barriers fall. Gentle touch, eye contact a gentle sense of humor and the right words all create the atmosphere. Positive comments on your partner's looks or the day's activities positively will also help. Couples disconnect when they don't feel interested in each other any more. To reconnect, make an effort to listen and understand each others’ needs and wants. The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed. If you really want to restore the marriage, begin not by complaining, but by seeking to understand your partner. Once the connection is there, you can begin to work out the issues.

(© 2017 Tina B. Tessina Adapted from How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together )

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance on: The Power of Purpose

 "Whatever your age, if you learn to listen, your inner voice will speak to you about your path," writes oncologist Dr. Bernie Siegel in Peace, Love and Healing, "your ‘job on earth.’ This wisdom that is directing you from within is your birthright... an inner message, an inner awareness, that says, ‘This is your path, this is how you can be the best human being possible.’ If you follow it, you will achieve your full growth and full potential as a human being before you let go of the Tree of Life..." 

Dr. Romance knows Dr. Bernie is right, because I see the power of the inner voice daily in my clients, in my friends, and in my own life. My clients ask, "How can I access that voice, that wisdom, and get my feet started on the path?"

It's easy for any of us to get discouraged with suffering throughout the world: racial prejudice; addiction and self-destruction; political oppression in its many forms (starvation, war, torture, misinformation, imprisonment, denial of rights of speech, health and human dignity, and just plain bigotry and nastiness).

 My own reaction, years ago, was despair. "I can't stand it! So much suffering! So many issues! There's nothing significant I can do." Gradually, with the help of wiser people, I came to realize that I wasn't supposed to do it ALL. I just needed to do a part. But what part? Thus I began to learn about my inner wisdom, my unique birthright, my own peculiarities and talents.

 We are all unique, with different genetic mixes, different fingerprints, different gifts and personalities, so let's suppose that there must be a reason for our differences; a Plan. Included in the Plan is a special place for each of us, and we have been designed, by a Super Intelligence, for a special task within the Plan. Supposing that Plan exists, what is your part in it? What were you designed to do? What's your "job on earth"?

 If you feel confused or overwhelmed by life, or if your life seems to have no meaning, no important reason for your existence, spend some time pondering the Plan. Whether you call your Source a Higher Power, Spirit, or God, try reading Its mind a little: Imagine -- If you were God, and you had created the human being that is you, what would you have created such a person for? It's an interesting puzzle, and the clues are in your unique characteristics. Are you a good listener? Then maybe counseling is your intended "job". Can you explain things well? Perhaps you’re being directed toward teaching something. Are you a mathematical whiz? A musician? An artist? Can you make people laugh? All of these talents can be used in unique ways to make the world a little better. For example, if you like to make people laugh, and you enjoy elderly people, perhaps entertaining, volunteering, or working in a senior citizen's center is your special place. Or if you are a survivor of abuse or illness, perhaps your "job" lies in helping others survive.

Like me, many others have found it useful to ponder solve this riddle. The clues and hints are subtle, but they exist. The secret to your life's purpose is hidden in your heart's desire. Discover that, and you discover meaning, joy and purpose. There is a Plan, and you fit within it. No one has been omitted, every small link fits. As you discover your secret mission, and join the rhythm of the Wise Plan, life begins to run itself, doubt fades, and joy becomes a more frequent companion. Try listening to your heart, and to the obvious things about you, and you'll find it works.

" ‘I give you something, you know not what, enrich it, you know not how, bring it back, you know not when. And remember, I shall be watching you.’ Said the Sun to the newborn child." - Mary Poppins writer P.L. Travers expresses the mystery of finding your ‘job on Earth’

"To find in ourselves what makes life worth living is risky business," writes Marsha Sinetar in Ordinary People as Monks and Mystics: "for it means that once we know it we must seek it. It also means that without it life will be valueless."

Did you know that problems with compulsive eating, substance abuse, destructive addictive relationships, and obsessive behavior are often misguided attempts to satisfy the heart's desire?

 We are such amazing miracles of creation. Within each of us is a driving force, that will NOT give up and go away. We can attempt to drown it out with loud, raucous living, to anesthetize it with food, drink or drugs, to avoid it through some zealotry or other, to run from it by being frantically busy, to ignore it by working obsessively, to be too overwhelmed drama and agony to notice it; but as soon as the unavoidable quiet moment happens, there it is, urging us on. Often, people misread this uncomfortable inner restlessness and call it "fear" or "loneliness", but it is only the call of the heart. Until we acknowledge it, it will not allow us to be at peace. Believe it or not, our hearts are filled with purpose and meaning, and will constantly press us to discover our true desire and act upon it.

 A spectrum is a wide range of something, like the colors light creates when beamed through a prism. A rainbow. My rainbow, the one I want to share with all of you, is the warrior rainbow. It's the wide range of people who are willing to face their own fear and anger, to brave the terrors of the inner deep, to challenge the naysayers and the criticizers, because they know how important it is to be who they really are. It's a broad spectrum of people, all colors, orientations, beliefs and experiences. Nothing elaborate is required to take your place in the warrior rainbow -- just the courage to be you -- to face your fears, to believe in yourself, to be willing to fight where you can, while remembering a rainbow warrior always takes prudent risks -- self-destruction is not encouraged.

 I find that many people who come to me for counseling are "autophobic" -- afraid of themselves. They are afraid of feeling emotion, afraid of being forced to be alone with themselves, afraid to find out what is actually inside them. It actually comes down to fearing the power within. We run very fast, in an attempt to escape who we are.

 "If the person insists on a certain program, and doesn't listen to the demands of his own heart, he's going to risk a schizophrenic crackup, " warned philosopher Joseph Campbell. "Such a person has ... aligned himself with a program for life, and it's not the one the body's interested in at all. The world is full of people who have stopped listening to themselves or have listened only to their neighbors to learn what they ought to do, how they ought to behave, and what the values are that they should be living for...my analysis ...is that we would rather feel alive than be alive. Sometimes it kills you, to feel so alive out there on a battlefield somewhere, or in a corporate environment where it's quite clear that you're heading for a heart attack, and you don't change your course because you are living in that stream of energy and aliveness. You wind up bargaining your life away for it."

 Reading through the wisdom of the ages, I have come across this advice time and time again. Humankind’s greatest teachers insist that the costs of denying your heart's desire are far greater than anything that could happen by following it. Every time my clients overcome their reluctance to know who they are, they release an inner power that transforms their lives.

 What better time to become a rainbow warrior than now? Here's Dr. Campbell's advice about how to begin: "You must have a room, or a certain hour or so a day, where you don't know what was in the newspapers that morning, you don't know who your friends are, you don't know what you owe anybody, you don't know what anybody owes to you...a place where you can simply experience and bring forth what you are and what you might be... the place of creative incubation. ...if you have a sacred place and use it, something eventually will happen... Where is your bliss station? You have to try to find it. Get a phonograph and put on the music that you really love, even if it's corny music that nobody else respects. Or get the book you like to read. In your sacred place you get the "thou" feeling of life ...for the whole world. ...if you follow your bliss you put yourself on a track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open the doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be."

 I invite you to get acquainted with your heart's desire, join me in a resolution to surrender, to slow down and find out what is inside, straining to get out, longing to make contact with you. Make a "sacred space" for yourself, and spend a little time in it, at first reading or listening to music, and little by little listening to your heart. Perhaps it will change your life, as it has so many others. God has already blessed us, every one.

(adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction © 2015 Tina B. Tessina)

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Happy New Year From Dr. Romance

When we:

Lift our heads from the worries and the do lists

and focus on the possible

Lift our eyes from the struggles and the sorrows

and focus on the dream

Lift our minds from the noise and the jabber

and focus on the silence

We lift our dreams to a higher level

And Hope will lift our hearts.

© Tina B. Tessina, 2023

 

A very Happy New Year from Dr. Romance

 

Dr. Romance: The Shape of Peace

Happy Holidays, 2023 
 May we all be blessed with
         The Spirit of Peace ~
         Within ourselves,
         Within our lives,
         Within the world.
         Wishing you a
         A Blessed and Peaceful
         Holiday Season.

                 ~~Dr. Romance

 

   

           The Shape of Peace  

     How shall we know when peace is here to stay? 
      When will the struggle be transformed into the dance? 
      Can faith be strong enough to take the chance?        
      How can we grow in peaceful, loving ways?

    Chorus: Hold out your hand and touch the shape of peace
             And side by side we’ll watch the struggle cease
             The Hand of God will touch and heal the breach
             When we are one, when we have learned
             The shape of peace     
   
      The shape of peace is in the silent stars
      That dance in time to Power beyond ours
      We can’t escape, we cannot shout it down
      After the battle, the silence is profound. 
                © 2023 Words and music by Tina B. Tessina
         

 

 

Dr. Romance: Turn on Your Charm

Dr. Romance writes:

Ever wondered how con artists can get away with all they do? They know how to charm people, and they have mastered the art of looking as if they belong.  Because they have no feelings of guilt about  misrepresenting themselves, they can pull it off. 

But you don’t have to be dishonest and manipulative to be charming.  You can use the power of charm to create a charmed life for yourself, and be perfectly honest, kind and caring while doing it.    

Charm comes from a combination of self-confidence, social graces and empathy, or emotional intelligence.  People who are at ease (self-confidence) polite and socially adept (social graces) understanding and considerate (emotional intelligence)  are always charming and attractive.

 

The season of parties and gatherings is upon us.  It's no always easy to deal with people, family members, work colleagues and friends, especially in groups. 

 

To get along easily with others, you need to feel special and show others you think they're special.  The more you respect yourself, the more others will respect you. Make sure you present yourself well, dress and act the part.  Accept favors and compliments gracefully, with thanks.  Don’t worry about whether you deserve the compliment – if someone says something nice, and you think you don’t deserve it, you’re effectively calling that person a liar; which is not charming at all.  If you make requests as if you expect to get a "yes," it ups the odds that you'll get one.

 

Gratitude for kindness begets more kindness.  Nothing works better than a pleasant "thank you so much" to make the kind person feel appreciated, and wanting to give you more. 

 

If you want to be well-treated and well thought of, graciousness and poise are the key.  When you feel that someone is not treating you well, you don’t have to say anything –just withdraw. If someone’s not listening, pause in your conversation, until you have your listener’s full attention. 

 

The easiest way to get what you want is to make a pleasant request, and deliver it with a big smile and a warm look.  Please is very important, and so is a gracious smile, eye contact, and a warm thank you when the request is met. Everyone melts at this.  To see how charm works, watch actors and actresses in movies -- they use it a lot. It's not really sexual, it's more gracious and complimentary, but it often leads to romance, even in real life.

 

Try observing people (real people you know, strangers, or even movie characters) who personify confidence, and then go home and practice it in the mirror, until you think you've got it..  Self-talk is important -- practice being encouraging and supportive to yourself.  If you are internally critical, you'll lack confidence.  Try "faking it 'til you make it" and projecting an air of self-confidence. It will grow on you.

 

The Downside of Charm

 

Although being charming will smooth out your social situations, it must be based on a respect to be beneficial.  Charm without respect is not a good sign.  Narcissists, for example, have learned to be charming to get what they want, but they have no means to give back, so they are attractive and seductive, but ultimately draining and terribly disappointing.        

 

If a person is not at all nervous, awkward and never at a loss for words, you may be very impressed. Such a polished approach is very attractive and pleasant to be around. However, there could be a down side to this smoothness.  It can mean that you're talking to a "user" who has learned to say what works to get what he or she wants, but has no moral/ethical compass, so may be lying and conning you.  Con artists are very good at being charming.  People who have an innate need to be truthful may not always succeed at being charming.  So, when you encounter another charming person, make sure the walk matches the talk, and that the charm is part of that person’s character, and not just employed to get something.

 

Developing Charm

It's no surprise that awkwardness, fear and embarrassment arise from a poor self-image.  To overcome this problem, recognize that you're not going to please everyone, and that sometimes you'll be disappointed, but it won't kill you.  Practice taking "no" for an answer, first in private, then ask a friend to  role play with you (the friend turns you down, refuses your raise, etc. so you can practice dealing with it) and then take some baby steps in the real world. When you’re in a new, nervous situation, don't use alcohol for false courage.  You may survive being tipsy, but if you really want to be seen as charming and attractive, you won't allow yourself to behave badly. 

 

Instead, practice before you get into the new situation.   In "It Ends With You" I recommend the "roll the tape" exercise: picture yourself taking the risk, and watch the scene play out. "Re- roll the tape" several times, and go through the scene again.  Practice some different responses and different approaches until you feel comfortable with it.  Then, you can try it in the real world.

 

To enhance your positive experience, do the following steps before any new activity:

 

 1. Make a mental note of the possibilities: Can you learn something there?  Can you meet a new friend?  Will just getting out  of the house and around new people feel good?

 2. Remind yourself of your goals: You're going there to make new friends and to have fun.

 3. Review your positive personal qualities: What do your friends like about you?  What do you like about you? Your intelligence, your sense  of humor, your style, your conversation skills?  Are you a kind and caring person? Reminding yourself of these qualities means you will enter the event radiating that positive energy.

 

Research shows that people who have a positive outlook have better lives, partly because a positive attitude is attractive and charming, and people are drawn to it.  As a result, you make friends.  When you are positive you are supportive of yourself and others, you notice the good things more than the bad things, which makes it easier to connect to others.  In addition, you feel much better about yourself, which means you feel more deserving of friends.  It's a positive spiral, and goes up and up.

 

Guidelines for being charming in public:

 

1. Be interesting -- Wear attractive, but interesting clothing -- something that reflects who you are.  If you like travel, for example, wear a shirt, scarf, tie or jewelry from another country, or wear something that reflects your ethnic background, or a hobby (sports, the outdoors, a Hawaiian-type shirt with surfboards, gardening implements or an animal print).  It will help start conversations.

 

2. Pay attention:  Look around you, and seek to make friends.  Notice who's around you and what's interesting or attractive about them, Find an interesting thing about what they're wearing, and complement it.  "Excuse me, but I couldn't help noticing that gorgeous color -- it looks great on you." or, "What an interesting watch!  Where did you get it?"

 

3.  Prepare in advance:  Read up on some fascinating topics to talk about -- the background doings of a hit movie, some new technology advance, or a cool new trend.  Then, when someone wants to talk to you, you'll have something to say.

 

4. Find a way to help: What needs doing that you might enjoy?  If you haven't experienced this event before, I recommend finding a "job" to do. Don’t just say “what can I do to help?”  Instead, volunteer for something specific:  to greet people and take coats, or keep the food table replenished, or refill drinks.  It will give you a feeling of belonging, a great excuse to meet everyone, and you'll be busy enough to keep your nervousness at bay. The host or hostess will be grateful and remember you later.

 

5. Follow through: If you do meet someone you'd like to know better, follow the party with an invitation for coffee. The best friendships begin in these social situations.

 

Once you are meeting people, you need to create the proper energy level to be charming and  attractive. Match your energy to the energy of the people at the event.  Obviously, if you're dancing or eating barbecue poolside, the energy level will be pretty high. If you're having quiet conversations at a cocktail party, discussing books, or sitting down to dinner, the energy will be more mellow and focused.

 

Conversations at events you attend should be like tennis matches.  That is, the other person "serves"  he or she asks a question or makes a statement.  Then, you "volley" back  you answer the question with the kind of answer that invites a response.  For example:

 

He: "How do you know our hostess?"

You: "We went to school together.  I like Pam's friendliness, don't you?"

 

This invites your companion to respond, and keeps the "volley" going.  If the conversational thread ends, The next "serve" is yours.  If you have to re-start the conversation too often, excuse yourself and move on. That person is not interested enough.  If you force the other person to do all the conversational "work"  he or she will move on pretty quickly.  One-syllable answers are a pretty clear indication of lack of interest, even if you didn't mean it to be that way. Instead, turn on your charm, and the other person will want more time with you. (From: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction)

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance on Weaving the Web

Dr. Romance writes:

 

One of the things I’ve learned as my life and career progress is that whatever someone does to help one person has far more influence than we can realize.  Each person we teach, encourage, or help to heal is then empowered to carry that teaching, encouragement and healing on to others.  The inspiring book and movie, both titled Pay It Forward, puts this concept in the form of a type of debt – instead of paying people back for what they’ve done for us (which isn’t always possible) the pay it forward concept urges us to pay the debt to others who need it. 

 

This happens automatically when we learn from a great teacher, whether in person, through books, or by someone’s stirring life example, such as Buddha or Gandhi.  I have been fortunate to have had a great mentor, Rev. Denton Roberts, who guided me through re-formatting my own personality and beliefs, and then taught me how to be a caring and effective counselor. I have written previously about how wounded I was, and how Denton helped me learn to heal myself.  His teachings and examples are now part of my consciousness, and I use them to help others, sometimes giving him credit for the ideas, sometimes not.  Teachers of other things, such as my wonderfully healing voice coach, Marvellee and her late husband, Daniel Cariaga, who gave  much more than just musical wisdom, add to the storehouse of what I can pay forward.  All the great thinkers in psychology whose books I have read, such as James Hillman and Thomas Szasz also influence my work and their ideas pass on to my clients. Loving friends are teachers, too.

 

Then, those I have worked with use what they’ve learned with others I’ll never know.  Clients can be teachers, too – I learn from my clients every day, and pay what I learn forward to future clients. Can you imagine the web of wisdom building as we all help one another with what we learn?

 

You are part of this web, we all are.  Everyone who influences you positively was in turn taught by someone before them – the web stretches back to Plato, to Jesus, to Moses, to the great Arabic and Asian thinkers who first devised the numbers we use.

 

We all recognize that we can be influenced negatively, that we can be brought down by scary newscasts, violent and cynical movies and tv, but this web of positive influence is so much more powerful and important.  “People and peoples come and go, live and die,” writes Robert Wright in Non Zero: The Logic of Human Destiny, “But their [ideas], like their genes, persist.  When all the trading and plundering and warring is done, bodies may be lying everywhere, and social structure may be in disarray.  Yet in the process, culture, the aggregate menu of [ideas] on which society can draw, may well have evolved.”

 

Whether or not you have children to follow after you, you will leave behind a legacy.  It’s your positive influence on others, on life, and on this shrinking planet we live on, and it never dies.  The web will remain, nurturing a supporting human life for as long as it exists, and your influence will be a part of it.  © Tina B.Tessina, 2023 (Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction) 

 For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance on Creating Holiday Magic

Dr. Romance writes:

Recently, as we were eating in an Italian restaurant, the music being played transported me back to holidays with my Italian/American family. Traditional, sentimental Italian songs were such a large part of our gatherings for the holidays. After a huge, slow, multi-course dinner, Uncle Tommy would get up and go to the piano, and just start playing. The whole family would sing, sometimes in Italian, sometimes in English, and when I hear those old songs, I’m suddenly six years old, happy and safe for the moment, and also the sad grownup, because all the people who were singing then are gone now. Although I didn’t realize it as a child, Uncle Tommy was a gifted musician, able to play any song after hearing a few bars. None of his genes are mine, but I know my musical ability comes from singing to his accompaniment. At this time of year, the magic of the season for me is in the music.

Richard and I have a long-standing tradition of watching a DVD of the musical "Scrooge" starring Albert Finney. It’s a great combination of spiritual reminder, attitude adjustment, and musical extravaganza. It always gets us in the holiday mood. Holiday music is such a joy to me, I sing aloud with the carols piped into the stores, and I play Christmas songs and carols in my car, singing along from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day. I also love sharing holiday celebrations with friends and family.

What kind of holidays will you have? No matter what rituals or traditions you celebrate, I’m sure you have hopes and dreams of holidays to remember. We all long for the magic of the season to manifest in our celebrations.

What creates the magic? A combination of memories, traditions, and spontaneity is usually the key. If you’re wondering how to create magic for your own holidays, try reviewing holidays of the past, good and not so great, and see what the best components were. If you miss people who have passed on, and they were part of your holiday joy, make a place in your current celebration to remember them. If you feel overwhelmed by too much going on, cut some of the scheduled events and create some time for yourself. If what you cherish most is the connection with your family, make sure you get some time with them. If, like my friend Jessica, you love baking cookies to the sounds of Handel's "Messiah", your friends will enjoy the cookies as much we all enjoy Jessica's creations.

Magic, contrary to popular film scenarios, doesn’t just happen. Sometimes your stars will just fall into line, Santa fills your stocking, or Elijah fills the empty chair, and when those blessings show up, cherish them. But, most of the time, magic needs a little help. My holiday wish for you is that you help yourself to as much magic as you can conjure up. Wallow in it, indulge yourself in your fondest memories, give and receive extravagantly, and watch the magic happen!

I thought you might enjoy a Christmas/Solstice poem I wrote for a Christmas card.

Solstice Dance

Body,
Mind,
Emotion,
Spirit

The eternal dance.
– and balance is the key
Fueled with grace and joy,
We glide into the waiting arms
of the coming year.

Wishing you a delightful holiday season.

Dr. Romance on: The Family of the Heart

Dr. Romance writes:

No matter what you observe: Ramadan, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Solstice or Christmas, this is a celebratory time of year, and most of us are thinking of family, whether they’re near or far. My family is somehow both, since I lost all my aunts and uncles and my father before I was 18. They are all very near and dear to my heart, yet also gone. At this time of year, I long for family, and so I’ve created several of my own. There’s my husband, Richard, of course: he’s the center, closest to me every day. Friend and partner, lover and helpmate; sharing life and love that deepens every day.

Then, there are the sisters and brothers of my heart.

Maggie and I met in 1968, when I became her supervisor in a corporate accounting department. Three days after I arrived, she said to me “You are the weirdest person I have ever met.” I responded “Thank you, Maggie” and we’ve been friends ever since. We were “Best Woman” at each others’ weddings, I am godmother to her daughter, Amanda, now grown, married and mom of twins, who calls me her Fairy Godmother.  Maggie’s Jewish, yet we have celebrated a special family Christmas together for many years. A toast to you, Maggie, for being my sister/friend, through all of life’s ups and downs.

Another dear friend, Sylvia, has been my friend for 40 years, and we go to the theater and out to lunch together regularly.  She and her husband come over to celebrate Christmas Eve with us most years.

There are several more loving people in my chosen family, who really know what friends are for, and I am surrounded by love, laughter and caring because of them.

Making friends in business circles makes work more fun, and we become mutual resources for each other.

There’s even a neighborhood family. On my little street, neighbors say “hello” and help each other out. We remind each other when street sweeping is coming, move the trash bins out of the street, chat, and trade little favors. 

“The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved”, wrote Victor Hugo. He knew there are more kinds of love than romance and marriage. No matter what is happening in your romantic life, the solid presence of good friends and family can lift your spirits, fill your days, and give you the support you need for your romantic relationship.

“Friendship ...involves a commitment to endure with each other and to make our lives and the world better through keeping each other healthily human and effectively knowing,” wrote therapist John Hoff, “Relationships are our most precious resource.”

“As creative children,” writes Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way, “we are each of us not only instruments but also a note, even a song. When we open our hearts and sing to and with one another, we quite literally create harmony.”

Not only does it take a “village” (community) to raise a child, but in our mobile and fast-paced society, a sense of community, family and connectedness helps us to function more effectively as adults in all phases of life.

“We are creatures of community,” writes Dr. Dean Ornish in Love and Survival, “Those individuals, societies, and cultures who learned to take care of each other, to love each other, and to nurture relationships with each other during the past several hundred thousand years were more likely to survive than those who did not... In short, anything that promotes a sense of isolation often leads to illness and suffering. Anything that promotes a sense of love and intimacy, connection and community is healing.”

You can create various networks (families) of friends to bring that harmony into your life:

∙ Your chosen family: Warm friends provide a cushion and a shield in life’s difficult times; someone to talk to when you need support or advice, and to celebrate your triumphs with you. It’s a great blessing to be surrounded by a trusted and trustworthy group of friends who make your life’s journeys with you, and know exactly how far you’ve come.

∙ Your neighborhood family: Friendly neighbors make your neighborhood, your apartment building or condo complex, your block safer. Their watchfulness will protect you against vandalism and other problems. Know your neighbors and they will call 911 for you, or watch your children, take package deliveries, or feed your pets.

∙ Your family of origin: Family is the network we turn to first in times of need, and to share the good times, too. If your family has drifted apart, try building a partial family network with those you like or who live close by, and soon other family members could be drawn closer.

∙ Your fun family: These people enjoy the things you like to do. Families who want to do parent/child activities, or fellow single people who share your weekends and holidays. Or couples who join you for fun times. Parents of similar-age children can share car-pooling, baby-sitting, information and support.

By creating family feelings in several areas of your life, you’ll have the joy of the give and take of friendship, anytime you want. As you look back on your life, you are likely to feel best about the good things you did for others and the positive contributions you have made to your friends and family. Perhaps life will present you with an opportunity to give back to friends. Being there in times of need, helping out in times of illness or bereavement, or just being a sympathetic listener when a friend is stressed can be more valuable to them than you imagine.

You’ll create blessings for yourself when you share your rituals, holidays, laughter and information. Welcome friends who are alone into your family’s good times. With these “chosen families” you can offer comfort in life’s difficult times, and be a willing participant in celebrating successes. Everything you give will come back to you multiplied. In the spirit of peace and love, I wish you the joy of connection. (adapted from The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before Forty and  The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty)

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Jealousy: Handling The Green-eyed Monster

Dr. Romance says: I can’t escape it, it’s in the news every day, and it fills my counseling office.  Recently, the news told of a four-year-old who was shot to death by his own father, because the father was jealous of his divorced wife’s new relationship.  "O, beware... of jealousy; it is the green-eyed monster" wrote William Shakespeare in the sixteenth century.  In four hundred years, we don't seem to have been able to tame or conquer this monster.  Jealousy is still very present with us, and rears its ugly head often in all relationships.  It disturbs me that so many people seem to think it’s OK to be jealous, so I thought it might be valuable to explore it.

What Is Jealousy?
        
The experts differ about the nature of the monster.  "Jealousy," writes sex researcher Arno Karlen, "can mean as many things as love or intimacy. It involves various combinations of fear, suspicion, envy, rage, competitive failure, humiliation, grief, self-contempt, betrayal, and abandonment. Freud  [and others] have seen jealousy as a delusion rising from excessive dependence and lack of self-esteem. [Others]  say that no one person can entirely fill another's needs; it is natural for anyone to want to fill different needs with different people, so jealousy is illogical and unrealistic. ...[but] many people, perhaps most, consider jealousy normal.  It is lack of jealousy they want explained."  

Jealousy is a "corrosive emotion" writes sexologist Isadora Alman, in her syndicated column, “Ask Isadora”, which "stems from one's own feeling of inferiority that 'some one will be more this or better that than I am, and I will suffer by comparison in my lover's eyes'... Jealousy is far less about some one else's behavior than it is about your interpretation of it." 

Jealousy can lead to upsetting arguments, tears, resentment and recriminations, even if no actual infidelity exists.  Friends can be jealous, and so can family members and spouses.

Overcoming the Monster

"I used to get very jealous, but then I realized I had a choice,” said a female participant in one of my relationship workshops, “I could choose to feel scared, angry, or even to feel generous and loving instead of jealous, if I thought about it.  I don't regard jealousy as a desirable emotion, and when it comes up, I work to overcome it."

Most jealousy arises when someone feels insecure or threatened: either you're afraid of losing your relationship, or that someone will get the attention (love, affection) you want. The most important thing you can do is to remember that when you handle jealousy properly, it does not have to be a disaster.  Here are some guidelines you can use to overcome jealousy in your relationships:

* Make sure you and your partner feel comfortable with your agreements.  Discuss the possibility that one or both of you might be jealous.  Make some agreements about how you'll behave, and make sure you'll be willing to keep them.  Don't frighten yourself or your partner by testing too hard, demanding the impossible, or risking too much.  keep in mind that jealousy breaks down trust.  if you begin to be upset, talk about it and encourage your partner to do the same.

* Keep each other informed.  Lying to your partner about whether you have broken an agreement does more damage than breaking the agreement.  If you slip up, tell the truth.  If it's your partner who has slipped, be open to listening to him or her without blaming or getting upset, so the two of you can negotiate a solution to the problem.  If you or your partner continually create situations that aggravate jealousy, you may need to find a counselor to help you solve the problem.

* Give yourselves time. Patience and communication are your best allies.  As you learn and grow together, trust gradually builds.  As trust grows stronger, you can begin to relax the rules and allow yourselves more flexibility and freedom.

Remember to be gentle with yourself and each other.  Don't be angry with yourself or your partner for being jealous. You'll have much better luck if you just see jealousy as a normal, human problem and work it out together.  I wish you peace, within yourself, within your family, within the world.  (From It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction) 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Resolving Inner Anarchy

Dr. Romance writes:

Recent events have me thinking about political anarchy: riots, bombings, civil wars, threats, and other bad and dangerous behavior around the world. Politically, anarchy means obeying no laws. It’s frightening to watch a mob take over. Anarchy is the result of two things: repression and neglect. When people are economically and politically repressed, they become frustrated. When they are also ignored and neglected, negative forces are free to take over. This is how gangs and terrorist organizations take hold.

It’s a great metaphor for another kind of anarchy that happens much closer to home, which is a result of similar dynamics. When your feelings and thoughts are out of control and take over your thinking process, you can be gripped by inner anarchy. Depression, rage, anxiety attacks and addiction are all forms of inner anarchy. And they all result from repressing your feelings and neglecting to maintain your inner equilibrium. Milder forms of inner anarchy include saying things you don’t mean (but can’t take back) in the heat of an argument, the inability to accomplish what you want because of inner resistance, and out of control behaviors, such as drinking, spending or eating too much. We all have experienced these.

To calm down the inner anarchy, we must become aware of what’s going on inside, and learn to manage our thoughts and emotions. Acknowledging your feelings is more important than expressing them. Once you know what is going on with you emotionally, you can make a rational decision about how, when and where to express it to best effect. If you don't acknowledge your feelings, they can keep you stuck, and unable to let go. Faced and accepted, they can become an opportunity to change whatever needs to be changed, and to create a new opportunity.

The decision about whether or not to express your feelings in a given situation depends on what you want to accomplish, and how possible that is under the circumstances. For example, if you're angry, take some time to figure out that you're angry, why you're angry, and what it will take to fix it. Once you have that worked out, you can express all three of those facts, in a rational way, to the person you want to tell. Doing this gives you the best chance of getting your desired result. If you just react, and express your feelings willy-nilly, the situation is likely to escalate into a problem.

As a psychotherapist, I think jealousy, anger, envy, contempt, resentment and greed are useful, not ugly, emotions, but I know most people have trouble with them. Think of these emotions as the little lights on the dashboard of your car. When they light up, they're telling you something you need to know, to keep life running smoothly. By overcoming your "auto-phobia:" fear of yourself and getting comfortable with your feelings, you can turn them from ugly to useful. 

Contrary to what many of my clients believe when they first come to me, it's not that hard to learn to manage your emotions. Becoming autonomous, or self-regulating, means that you can do what you are supposed to do without being told by someone else. It could be as simple as getting yourself out of bed for work, cleaning your home, or as complicated as making sure your financial situation is stable. Inner anarchy is in charge when you don't do things until you're forced to, or you're late for work because you didn't hear your alarm clock.

You can learn to be emotionally responsive to yourself as well as to others, which means you can empathize and respond effectively to your own feelings. That is, you can be sympathetic and comforting to your own sadness, respectful of your own anger, reassuring of your own fear.

When you’re motivated, you have things you want to accomplish in life, and you have the energy to carry out your plans. For example, you want to do better, financially, so you get enthused about being more educated, and you go to school, complete your classes and get your degree. You don't have to fight yourself to do it, because you want the result. No one has to tell you to do it, because you’re self-regulating.

When you’re in control of your impulses, you don't have temper tantrums, drink too much, or let your other "animal impulses": (ie: greed, lust, gluttony, pride, rage, jealousy, etc.) take over. We all have negative impulses. The mature person has them under control, and can keep his or her life on an even keel. That is, you think before you react or respond. Inner anarchy exists if you’re getting drunk, raging, remaining in bad relationships "because I love him".

Self management is not difficult, once you understand it’s your responsibility. Many of us remain mystified about our inner thoughts and feelings, because we’ve never been taught to consult with ourselves before acting. Asking your own opinion about an issue, finding out what you think or feel about it, takes the pressure off you, and gives you the means and opportunity to decide how you’re going to act on what you think and feel.

You have to make some choices: Do you want to keep doing what you're doing, or do you want to learn self-control and have a life that works? Do you want to look good to your peers, or do you want to be successful? Do you want to be right, or be loved? In every case, learning to manage your feelings and act responsibly will get you more of what you want from life. 

Inner anarchy will affect your relationships, too. Healthy relationships are built on a foundation, or infrastructure, of clear thinking, problem solving, and mutual support. I often ask my clients to stop and think about what they're doing in the middle of a fight, and ask them what they look like to themselves. They realize they sound and look like children fighting, and they're not making sense, even to themselves. Usually, neither partner would argue with the boss, colleagues at work, or a child's teacher the way you argue with each other. You have choices; you don't have to argue with each other. Instead of acting like bickering children, use your grownup self-control to pull yourself out of the argument. Keep in mind that it doesn't matter who's right, who started it, or whether it's fair. He (or she) who "loses it", loses everything.

Learning to be patient and remain calm also reduces and relieves stress. Cultivating patience is really learning impulse control: Learn how to do "emotional maintenance" and shake off stress; How to quit when something is getting to you. It's an issue in self-control. Research shows that happiness and satisfaction depend more on the inner person than on external circumstances. The secret to living a less stressed existence is to get in charge of your feelings and thoughts. Then you can build the life you want. (c) Tina B. Tessina, 2023 (Adapted From It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction) 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Winning the War Within

Dr. Romance writes: Do you sometimes feel locked in a struggle with yourself?  I know I do.  Why is it that we know what we want to do, but it’s such a struggle to actually get it done?  Even Saint Paul writes, in a letter to the Romans, “I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.”  Even the most successful people wind up struggling with procrastination, overeating, overspending, drinking too much, saying things you don’t mean, or getting involved with the wrong people.  As I work with my clients, the issue of internal struggle comes up over and over again.  What’s going on?  It’s inner warfare: a fight with yourself. 

Internal warfare produces a constant noise in one's mind, as the voices of opposing thoughts become locked in never-ending argument, which makes clear thinking almost impossible.  Whenever the inner war rages, you will use poor judgment in the important decisions of your life, because a substantial part of your thinking ability is hampered.  Just imagine trying to think in a room where two people are arguing about everything, most of the time!

When you can’t think clearly:

 * You are not able to understand the intuitive information you are receiving that could tell you who is trustworthy and who is unreliable;

 * You are not able to evaluate all the options available to you and make clear decisions; and

 * You cannot sort out the difference between  realistic options and options that are too pessimistic or too optimistic to serve as the basis of a good decision.

In addition, the exhaustion resulting from constant turmoil causes you to "forget" or feel unable to think clearly about your circumstances and your actions, which leads you to be dependent on others to do your thinking for you.

As long as it goes on this way, the inner war is unwinnable, since all sides feel equally right, and equally powerful.  Even if one side could win, you'd be operating at half power, unable to think clearly, or unable to feel feelings; which is what happens to many people.  Just as in wars in the external world, both sides inevitably pay a heavy price. 

When you learn how to manage your thinking and get all sides to negotiate and work together, you create a problem-solving team that is both intuitive and rational, creative and practical.  Only when your internal war is settled, and both sides form a working partnership, can you use the full power of your thinking ability.

To achieve this inner teamwork, take small steps in the beginning:  

 * When feelings of embarrassment, unworthiness, shame, or fear arise, just slow down and give yourself a chance to relax. 

 * Don't push or criticize yourself, but reassure and encourage yourself past the problem.

Discussing issues with yourself, asking yourself questions, and comforting yourself are hard concepts to understand, because part of you is focused on others, not on yourself. Even once you understand how to confront your inner feelings, you may resist at first, because you feel confused, ashamed or embarrassed. Old, ingrained subconscious beliefs that your feelings are frightening, and that you're unworthy of attention are fighting with your new, rational adult knowledge that you are important to you.

Once you negotiate an internal truce, you can become a new kind of person, within whom both the intuitive, feeling part and the rational, acting part work together for the common good, without a "good guy" or "bad guy", or winner and loser, but seeking to solve problems so that both sides are satisfied.  Negotiation, communication. and partnership become an integral part of your relationship with yourself, producing a sense of wholeness and power that give you the confidence to take risks and the motivation to get things done.  It truly takes the self-image of a warrior, at times, to continue the hero's journey toward fully living life.
     
I wish you peace: within yourself, within your family, within the world.
 (Adapted from It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction) 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on How to Stretch Time

Dr. Romance writes:

Would you like to stretch time – to make the time you have go farther, and use it more for what you really want to do?   Stretching time is not difficult if you have the prerequisites: self-awareness, a sense of purpose, thoughtful action, and a playful approach.

 

Self- Awareness:

 

As with all successful life skills, time stretching works better if you know yourself well.  When you are aware of your priorities: for example, where do work, relationship, family and fun fall on “What’s most important” list?  Are you spending the most time on what is most important? 

 

You will be more effective and less stressed if you learn to take charge of your personal and family time.  Families need to sit down together and decide what activities are really worth doing, and what is just a "rat race."  Learning to avoid "time sinks"(such as unnecessary e-mail, TV or people who talk too much on the phone)  is crucial, because certain people and activities can absorb a lot of time and not be worth it.  Becoming "time aware" is the best way to achieve balance.

 

If you’re a parent, you need time off, too.  This can be achieved through allowing children over seven to spend occasional nights at friends' homes, and then reciprocating. This allows both sets of parents a chance to be alone, to go out, to have a break.  "Family networks" in which several families (related or not) share time, driving, trade of babysitting, etc. can really expand the amount of time off that each family enjoys. 

 

The key is achieving balance between work/play, self/others, giving/receiving and time off/financial security.   Achieving balance between work and the rest of your life is the key to avoiding burnout.  You'll be much better at doing this if you are self-aware, think through your options, schedule in personal as well as work time, and learn to be flexible. 

 

Sense of Purpose:

 

As you become more aware of your priorities, you may also discover a sense of purpose.   Or, perhaps you already know what your sense of purpose is.  However you arrive at it (and I’ve given instructions in both The Real 13^th Step and It Ends With You, if you want more info) knowing what you want to do with your life saves amazing amounts of time.  Once you know your purpose, many decisions are made in advance – it becomes a process of deciding which moves will bring you closer to your purpose, which won’t, and that saves the time wasted in experimenting, waffling and being undecided.

 

 Learning to be patient and remain calm also stretches time and relieves stress.  Cultivating patience is really learning impulse control:  Learn how to do "emotional maintenance" and shake off stress; How to quit when something is getting to you.  It's an issue in self-control.  To acquire patience, you must stop the impulse to quit, change your thinking/attitude, call a friend to get encouragement.  People who do need to learn patience don't know how to tell they're being impulsive, or how to stop. They often have a sense of entitlement ("I just didn't want to wait" -- said with some pride) and a lack of emotional maturity.  They're actually like emotional three-year-olds in adult bodies. To learn the necessary patience and determination to reach long-term goals, practice on small things first, and learn how to sort through what is worth exercising patience, and what is not.

 

For example, there are situations and people you have to work a little bit more to understand what they mean, to not take what they say the wrong way, or use a little more patience around them, because their personalities or styles are quite different from yours. 

 

Perhaps you have run into people who test your patience at work, with friends, or among extended family.   Sometimes people are difficult to handle because they remind us of other people we had problems with in the past, so we're attracted and frustrated at the same time.  Others can be difficult for many people around them. Problems with a familiar type of person may not emerge until you're already bonded and involved as friends or partners. 

 

The following exercise will help you step back and look at others as a source of information about yourself,  view people from a different angle and use the very people who upset you as a reflection of the internal dynamics behind your struggles.

 

To let go of small things:

 

1: Perspective -- put them in perspective -- will it be important an hour from now -- fifteen minutes from now?  Most of them won't be. 

 

2. Self-understanding: If someone or something upsets you, don't exacerbate the problem by getting on your own case for reacting.  Reactions are normal -- it's what we do with them that counts. 

 

3: Rise above: If someone frightened you (a driver who cut you off) then give a little prayer of thanks that you survived, bless the other driver (who probably needs it) and you'll feel better. 

 

4. Benefit of the doubt:  If someone hurt your feelings, acknowledge that your feelings are hurt, then consider that the other person is probably more clumsy than intentionally hurtful.  The world is full of emotional klutzes who don't realize the impact of their words and actions, and they create more problems for themselves than for you.

 

5. Consider the source:  A neighbor or associate who is truly nasty may repeatedly hurt your feelings.  Consider what must be going on inside that person's head, and be grateful that you're not hearing that.  Even the meanest people are far nastier to themselves than they are to others.  That person is trying to relieve his or her pain by inflicting some on you. 

 

Thoughtful Action:

 

Acting thoughtfully rather than impulsively means that your actions are effective, and therefore more time saving. 

 

Because time is valuable, learn to budget it the way you budget your money.  In counseling my clients, I have found that putting yourself on a "time diet" works wonders.  Be wary of "time sinks:" TV, computers, e-mail, etc. and phone conversations with people who talk a lot to no purpose.  Learn to say "no" to non-essential time wasters, so you can spend more time doing those things important to you.  Knowing how to balance and  to prioritize, cooperate and schedule your time so that everything will have a place is the key. Individuals and couples need to prioritize, cooperate and schedule their time so that everything will have a place.  Becoming "time aware" is the best way to achieve balance.  Achieving balance between work and the rest of your life is the key to avoiding burnout.  You'll be much better at doing this if you are self-aware, think through your options, schedule in personal as well as work time, and learn to be flexible. 

 

Sometimes, having duplicate tools and supplies saves time: for example, having scissors, makeup, nail files, etc. in several places in the house, so they're where you need them when you want them, or if you travel a lot, as I do, having your travel kit permanently available, with items you need, and keep it only for travel.  I have a separate ‘kit’ for several activities: one for the gym, one for the pool, one for my music lessons, one for church choir.  When I come home from a trip or a workout, I replenish the kit so it’s ready for the next time.  For example, when I come home from the pool, I take out the wet towels and suit, put in dry ones; and I’m ready to go next time.

 

Playful Approach:

 

A playful approach may not specifically stretch time, but it does make you feel that the time spent is worth it.  One way to enjoy the time you have, and feel more satisfied, is to remember that life is not supposed to be all seriousness: to really feel that life is worth living, we all need to have some fun. Yes, fun.  You remember fun!   Pleasure, humor, leisure activities, and silliness are ways we recharge, renew our energy, restore our hope and positive outlook, and connect with others.

 

Fun does not depend on spending money or going to extremes.  It does not depend on a particular  setting, companion, or activity, and it doesn’t have to take a lot of time..  Having fun is an internal process.  You can have fun sitting still and thinking about interesting or enjoyable things, or working in your garden, petting the cat, talking quietly with one friend, or playing cards with a few.  Singing, dancing, playing a sport and drawing a picture are fun pastimes for some people.  If you’re like me, playing with your brain is fun.  Fun creates a deep internal connection, too.  Through play we re-connect with our hearts, our childlike selves, and the intuitive, spontaneous part of our psyches. 

 

For many people today (due, in part, no doubt, to the images of pleasure seen in the media),  the definition of fun has been distorted.  Some ideas of what is fun are connected with excess, such as having a couple of drinks or engaging in "extreme" sports.  Some people think that to have fun, they must spend a lot of money traveling or dining out. Others think that to have fun, they must be around the "right kind of people".  Saddest of all are those who rely on others to "create" their fun.

 

Most of us think of fun as something we do on special occasions, something that requires a bit of advance planning.  We have whole industries dedicated to helping us play it seems as though a new theme park opens every week. But when you look back on your most joyous life experiences, they are more likely to have been spontaneous and simple rather than elaborate and expensive.  Play is recreation -- that is activity that "re-creates" us, causes us to see life differently and be refreshed by the change. 

 

You do not have to separate play and fun from anything else you're doing.  A lighthearted approach to serious matters often is the most productive one.  Try laughter -- getting yourself a desk calendar with a new cartoon every day, sharing a joke you got via e-mail, telling a co-worker the cute thing your kid said (or listening to his story) or talking about the funny scene in the latest hit movie -- will lower your blood pressure, calm your pulse and generally help you release a lot of stress.  (Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction)

© Tina B. Tessina 2023

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance on Relating With Love

Dr. Romance writes: 

Why do relationship counselors, speakers and authors say repeatedly that your relationship depends on how well you communicate with each other? Because marriage is a partnership and to create teamwork, you need to keep each other informed, and keep yourself aware of your partner’s ideas, wants and reactions.   We all know a lot these days about the techniques of communication, but I find that many of my clients don’t understand the necessary attitudes to create domestic happiness. 

The Sweetness Factor

Nothing improves communication and intimacy better than enhancing the sweetness in your marriage. We live in a cynical, hard-edged culture, so it’s easy to become embarrassed or shy about being sweet to each other, but when you see the difference a little sweetness makes in your emotional life, you’ll understand why it’s worth it, and that no matter what the bickering couples in the sitcoms are modeling, being kind and tender toward each other creates a much better relationship.  If you put more energy into expressing your love and appreciation for each other than you put into arguing and resisting each other, you’ll be creating your own happiness.  Research shows that a happy, loving partnership will enhance your self-esteem, improve your mental and physical health, and even give you longer life! When your life together is loving and pleasurable, you’ll have more energy for success in everything else you do.  When you can count on each other to be protective, supportive, kind, and caring, and to do your respective parts in the partnership, you have a firm foundation for handling whatever life brings you.  The calm assurance you get from knowing you are loved and cared about makes it easier to think clearly and make good decisions. It’s a great blessing to be and have a loving and reliable partner with whom to make plans and carry them out.

To increase the sweetness in your relationship, try the following:

*Express gratitude:  Count your blessings out loud.  Remember to say “thank you” to your partner, even for little things. If you’re thinking about it, you’ll be able to find things to express gratitude for several times a day.  If you have a spiritual or religious background, give thanks together for everything.  My husband and I say “And we thank Thee, for receiving; that which we need to know, that which we need, and that whom we need to know, and the courage to act upon it and the energy to follow through,” whenever we want to give thanks. 

*Be courteous:  Nothing ramps up the sweetness more than old-fashioned courtesy.  Being familiar with each other is not a reason to drop your “please and thank-you’s.”  Politeness is lubrication for your daily interactions, it makes everything go more smoothly. 

*Look, smile and touch: There’s an actual electrical connection that passes between us when we touch.  To demonstrate this in seminars, I use a ‘magic wand’ that contains a battery, and is wired so that you have to put one hand on each end of it to light it up.  I ask a couple to hold hands, and then have each of them hold one end of the wand with the other hand, so it lights. Then, I ask them to let go of each other’s hand, and the light goes out, even though they’re still holding the wand.  This even works with a big circle of people, when two are holding the wand.  When everyone holds hands, the wand lights—if anyone in the circle drops another’s hand the wand goes out, because the electrical circuit of the connected bodies is disconnected.  Also, neurology research shows that your brain “lights up” when you look at someone you love. In my office, I know that when I get a couple to look at each other and hold hands, their arguments become much less angry.   You can use that electrical connection to provide “juice” in your marriage.  Look at each other and smile frequently when you’re together; give each other little pats, massages, gentle touches, and hold hands frequently when you’re walking or driving, you’ll keep the energy (and the sweetness) flowing between you.  Your physical body will remember all those little looks, caresses and smiles.

*Give compliments:  It costs nothing to say “You look good” or “I like your shirt” or “You did a great job” and it gives back countless rewards.  Give each other as many complements as you can manage, every day.  Between complements and gratitude, you can really pump each other up and both of you will feel great, and look like you do.    

*Celebrate:  Make a fuss, big or small, over every little accomplishment or milestone you achieve.  Remember, Appreciation + Celebration = Motivation.  If you want to motivate each other to stay together, work toward a good marriage, be a success, or be more loving; celebrate and appreciate every tiny step in a good direction.  You’ll be surprised how quickly you achieve your goals when you celebrate every step along the way.

*Party: Create a party atmosphere for bigger celebrations.  Toast a celebration with champagne or sparkling cider, a gathering of friends, or a thankful prayer. Create a celebration environment: use balloons, music, flowers, candles, or set your table with the best china.

*Visible reminders: Surround yourself with visible evidence of your successes. Plant a commemorative rosebush or get a new houseplant to mark a job well done, or display photos and souvenirs of fun events, vacations and sports or hobby trophies.  It's a constant reminder of your ability to have fun with each other.  Or get together for an impromptu lunchtime picnic and a balloon.   

Relating with Love

Relationships have their unavoidable stresses and strains.  To keep things in balance, put a bit of energy into increasing the sweetness between you.  Thoughtfulness, 'thank you=s' and gestures of politeness and affection are the WD-40 of your partnership.  Keep things running smoothly by remembering to add a spritz of sweetness frequently.  You'll be amazed at how good you feel, and how much more responsive your partner is.

 

Guidelines for Relating With Love (Six things to remember)

1.  It's not about who's right or wrong it’s about solving the problem together. If you try to win the argument, you'll lose something more important B loving feelings.

2.  With listening, caring and the willingness to change, anything in your relationship can be fixed. There=s no need to be afraid B just turn up the love.

3.  It's a partnership, silly!   Stop struggling, and learn to work together.  Focus on teamwork and sharing.

4.  Behavior that enhances relationships with people at work, and with your friends, will probably work if you use it with your spouse. Seek to be more rational and less angry or emotional.

5. What goes around comes around, in love as well as life.  If you want more of love, try giving more.  It will work every time.

6.  Act like the grownup you are, not a little kid.  Think before you speak and focus on solutions, not problems.  Give up whining, complaining and suffering, and step up to taking responsibility and loving more.

(c) Tina B. Tessina, 2023  Adapted from How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Getting Out of Your Own Way

Recently, Dr. Romance has been asked a lot about how people can overcome paralysis and self-sabotage, so I thought I’d pass on my ideas on the subject.  Getting in your own way is all about how you relate your yourself.   In addition to not managing your time effectively, there are many ways you can stop yourself from getting the most out of life – not enjoying what you have or have accomplished; not being able to get motivated, or finish what you begin; and having a negative focus, which leads to discouragement, anxiety, despair and even depression. 

Paralysis
When you aren’t able to get yourself motivated, to complete what you start, or to follow through when you need to, it’s called emotional paralysis.  The main factors that lead to paralysis are Lack of Self-Trust, Being Outer-directed, Overwhelm, Perfectionism and Negative Thinking.  Let’s look at each of these roadblocks, and what you can do about them.:

Lack of self-trust:
When you don’t trust yourself, your own judgement, your intelligence, and your ability to manage yourself and make your own decisions, life is too frightening to move. Here’s an exercise abbreviated from It Ends With You to help you strengthen your self-trust. 

Steps to learning self-trust
1. Ask your own opinion.  Frequently ask yourself: "What do I think about this? Do I like it? Does it make sense to me? Do I agree or disagree with the others?”

2. Listen to the answer.  Listen to your opinions as you would to the ideas of a respected friend.  Consider them, weigh them, and even discuss them with yourself from time to time. 

3. Repeat until it’s a habit. After a few weeks, you’ll become comfortable with your personal opinions, which will have a profound effect on what you do and how you act. Decision making will be faster and easier, and you’ll feel much more secure in making decisions.  

Being Outer-directed:
Knowing and acting on your own opinion is being inner-directed.  Making decisions based on what others want or just reacting and responding to events is being outer-directed.  You get along like that for a while, then you grind to a halt and become emotionally paralyzed.  You must be the one in charge of your life  – I believe it’s what we were designed to do, and I see every day what happens to people who don’t take charge of their thoughts, words and deeds.  Once you know your own opinion, you need to act on it. The opinions of others are helpful input, but your decisions must be your own.

Overwhelm: 
When you don’t take time to think clearly about the issues and problems in your life, and get mentally organized, you try to solve everything at once, and become overwhelmed and paralyzed.  To overcome this problem, write down the thoughts that are racing through your head, make a list of everything that needs to be done, and prioritize.  Then, pick one thing, break it down into steps, and begin doing the steps.  You’ll find that organizing your thoughts like this makes everything much more manageable.

Perfectionism:
The final paralyzer is wanting to do things so perfectly that nothing is good enough.  To break the paralysis, lighten up on your demands of yourself.  Be a supportive, encouraging friend to yourself, not a demanding boss.

Negative thinking
By far the biggest roadblock in your relationship with yourself and with life is negative thinking.  Many of my clients are afraid that recognizing problems, difficulties and grief is the same as negative thinking, and therefore, they ricochet back and forth between pretending to be happy and feeling hopeless.

Grieving is not negative thinking, it's an  adjustment in feelings.  If you allow yourself to acknowledge whatever feelings you have (anger, fear, sadness, joy) you’ll be able to feel real happiness when it comes.  Negative thinking is actually scaring oneself.  To latch on to only the negative things, to "catastrophize" about how awful things are or will  become creates  unnecessary  tension and stress -- and eventual paralysis.

The antidote to negative thinking is trust.  Trust  yourself -- you have a direct line to eternal wisdom, and expressing  your  feelings clears up the static so you'll know what is most important  for you  in this moment.  Trust your family and friends -- they love  you, they want to help, so let in the love they give you.  Living as truthfully as you can -- including when you're upset, frightened, or hurting -- will put you in harmony with God's  plan for your life.  Above all, trust Love -- trust that  you are  surrounded with it, that your loved ones love you back, that  you were  created by Love, and, when it's time, you will be re-created by Love.  Trust the blessings of life -- even the worst things will somehow turn  out to be a blessing, though you may not be able to see it now.  Eternal  Wisdom is  so much bigger than we are, and we cannot understand  all its workings, but  "all the Power that ever was or will be, is here now" and we are all safe.

Whatever threatens our little ego-based world cannot touch that which is real within us. There is no need to be paralyzed, to be afraid, to hesitate.  Goethe, the beloved German poet, said

Some of your ills you have cured
And the sharpest at least you’ve survived.
But what torments of Hell you’ve endured
From evils that never arrived

Adapted from It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction and 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance on Patterns of Change

Dr. Romance writes:

I’ve been dealing with a lot of unwanted changes, and it’s not easy. Losses, disappointments, changes – we all struggle when life doesn’t go our way. Why is it so hard to handle change? Then there are the changes we want to make, fight hard to make – losing weight, giving up smoking, being more organized. Why is it so hard to create change?

The answer is patterns -- human beings are hardwired to seek out patterns and operate according to them. Every waking moment we are bombarded by overwhelming floods of data, infinite numbers of choices, confusing and conflicting information. Sheer survival depends upon your brain being able to sort through all of this every minute. The ingenious solution, built right in to your brain and nervous system, is the ability to operate according to patterns.

Your brain automatically searches and identifies many kinds of patterns. Patterns of sight mean that you can identify the chair from the table, the dining room from the bedroom, whether you see them in their three-dimensional form, or see a photograph, or even see the drawing created by your six-year-old. A table on a canvas by Van Gogh or Picasso is recognizable even though the perspective is skewed and the colors are strange. It still fits the pattern of table. Kinesthetic patterns mean you can reach for a utensil, pot or dish in the kitchen without even looking where you reach, or grab your toothbrush in the bathroom before you’re really awake. A combination of kinesthetic and visual patterns means you can drive the familiar drive to work without even thinking about it and if you get a new job or move, you’ll find yourself taking the old route if you don’t pay attention.

The stress of paying attention is one of the major reasons why patterns are important. Research shows that moving to a new home is one of the most stressful experiences you can have, right up there with the death of a loved one. This doesn’t appear to make sense -- since moving to a new home is usually a desirable thing -- until you think about patterns. All those kinesthetic, visual patterns have suddenly changed -- the pots, dishes and your toothbrush (not to mention the bathroom) are all in different places. So is the furniture. You’re tripping over chairs that seem to be in the wrong places. You have to think every minute of the drive to work, because the route is unfamiliar. Each of these changed patterns represents a lot of stress. When you’re operating within old, familiar patterns, you don’t need to think about what you’re doing. Your body is wired to do familiar things without having to think about them. This leaves your mind free to wander, and to de-stress.

As I write this, I’m touch-typing. I don’t have to think about the spelling of the words, or which finger hits which key. here was a time, of course, when I couldn’t type even one word without hunting and pecking for each letter, but (in the beginning) painstaking practice and repetition, and now many years of experience, mean that I can even talk to someone else while I type. Repetition and practice made the patterns part of my consciousness.

If you want to change a habit (for example, to develop a habit of wearing your car seat belt) you develop a pattern that incorporates the change (I’ll get in my car, put the key in the ignition, fasten my seat belt, and then start car.) At first, you may even need a written note to remind you of the pattern, but if you consistently follow your new routine, it will be a pattern in a week or two. If you do it for several weeks, it will become ingrained enough to feel automatic you won’t need to think about it at all. Changing even really tough patterns, like smoking, is possible if you break it down into each smoking habit you have (after dinner, at work, hanging out with friends) and develop a replacement pattern for each one (chew mint gum after dinner, take a short, brisk walk during work breaks, hang out in non-smoking places with friends,) and follow each new pattern consistently until all are changed. Having something different to focus on makes the psychological withdrawal easier.

Here’s something that will help: We have a brain mechanism psychologists call "preparatory set." It's one of the mechanisms the mind uses to sort through the enormous amounts of data that flow in daily, and keep it manageable. By writing down the things you want to accomplish and making them clear, you can "program" that mechanism. Once programmed, it directs your attention to certain events and occurrences. To illustrate: When you decide you want a certain car (an SUV, a hybrid, or a Mini) you see that model everywhere, you notice every one on the freeway, you see every ad or commercial. Preparatory set works that way. Once you program it with your goals (visualizing in addition to writing is most effective) you will automatically be more aware of certain events, opportunities and people who can be helpful. You'll also be more clear about what you want, and this will sneak into your conversation and your general attitude, where others can pick up on it. It's not really magic, unless you believe as I do, that the mind is a miracle in itself.

For example, to make it easy to include easy exercise in your life, write down your goal (I will walk an extra half hour a day) and picture yourself walking and enjoying it -- perhaps you picture parking a few blocks away (where it's cheaper) and walk the rest of the way, or get off the bus or subway one stop early, or walk to that nearby restaurant (or art museum) for lunch, or take the stairs instead of the elevator when you go to the Xerox, or take a sandwich to a nearby park, or take the dog for a bit longer walk than usual before and after work. If you picture yourself walking and enjoying it, you'll soon find that you're noticing more new and different ways you can add in walking without stressing about it.

Change will still take work, but using this mental trick will help you reach your goals easier and faster.

(c) Tessina, 2023 Adapted from  It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction ) 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

True Beauty: Honor the God or Goddess Within

Dr. Romance writes:

Extreme makeovers are all the rage these days, with botox injections, and reality shows.  Plastic surgery is on the rise. The advent of AI threatens to make the search for unrealistic perfection worse. Many people are trying to match the extraordinary measures actors and actresses go through to look perfect on the screen.  These are shortcuts taken to try to create happiness with a scalpel, a diet, or an implant, and they don’t fulfill their promise.  Beautiful people are not automatically happy people. 

Diva-dum , god-ness, is just a way of expressing the goal of the human quest – to attain the highest expression of the beautiful being you are is not about sex, or perfection, and you can’t get there via technology.  It’s a growth process, a transformation of self through awareness and learning.  It’s about meaning, and being real.  It’s an emotional and spiritual walk, and it requires faith fueled with liberal doses of loving kindness. 

Every day, I have the delight and privilege of loving Richard, my husband, a real, human, fallible man.  We’re about the same age, he’s losing hair, I’ve gained weight.  But, after more than 40 years, we have fused our hearts and souls, if not our personalities.  He clearly loves me, though I often frustrate him, and I am grateful for his presence in my life on a daily basis.  Our sex life is lovely, thank you, even if it doesn’t match movie fantasies.  We laugh together, we share the struggles of daily life together, and the thought that he might die before I do fills me with dread.  All the buffed up male models in the world couldn’t replace my very own, live and kicking, formerly red-haired leprechaun.  It took me 37 years to find him, and I’m not about to replace him with so-called “perfection”.

My friends and I are no more perfect.  We can be cranky, we occasionally carelessly hurt each others’ feelings, they don’t always say the right thing.  But, we are here for each other when we’re really needed, we do our best to be caring and kind, and we forgive each others’ imperfections.

Perfection, particularly media perfection, is highly overrated.  Clients come to my psychotherapy office every day in considerable emotional pain because their lives aren’t “perfect” enough.  They feel inadequate, dissatisfied, hopeless and frustrated because they can’t attain life as they see it on the big screen.  I have to break the news that those people up there have problems in their real lives, too, and refocus my clients on accomplishing normal things that work for them..

All the face creams, cardio workouts, healthy diets, Prozac and meditation tapes in the world aren’t going to make their lives, their bodies, or their mental state much better.  Life is not about remaining young and photogenic.  It’s about growing your soul. 

The only way I know to develop my soul is through feelings.   Awe at natural phenomena (the star-lit heavens, a centuries-old redwood, the gorgeous flowers of the flowering vine at my gate) stretches it, making me yearn and aspire.  Human relationships bruise, batter and comfort it, teaching me resilience and humility.  Love urges my soul to blossom and glow, compassion causes it to blur at the edges, and so I learn to accept others as they are.

The humans in my life are not the narcissistic, self-absorbed “beautiful people” of the screen. We’re ordinary, real, imperfect people, like you: the ones who really keep this country and the world going. Together, we work hard at life, trying to be our best selves, taking care of our families and each other, and striving to bring our personal ethics and aspirations alive in the world.  We come from numerous  backgrounds and religions, we don’t always approve of each other’s decisions, but we care for each other the best we can.  We struggle to be less self-indulgent, more compassionate and understanding.  We try to resist the fads, the manipulations of advertising, the con artists who prey on our weaknesses. We survive through government administrations we don’t agree with, through natural and unnatural disasters that take our loved ones and possessions, through fads and fancies that are often unhealthy.  From each event, we learn, we stretch, we recover, we process the emotional aftermath, and we move on.  These life events are the soul’s workout, and though we may groan and complain, we can feel the growth eventually. 

Recently, a friend in his late 70s, pretty physically battered and a bit stooped over, proved to be one of the most forward-thinking people I know.  Life has beaten him up a bit, but it has not passed him by.  His spirit glows radiantly.   Have you ever seen an elderly person like that?  One whose wisdom shows in his or her eyes, and whose love is not flamboyant, just there in a gentle query about your health, or a brief touch that calms and reassures.  The spirit that shines from within them is true beauty, and it can’t be bought in a jar.

The miracle is, that each of us has the total capacity to achieve this perspective, this fullest embodiment of the highest expression of soul, even as our bodies wear out and crumble.

Here’s a visualization to help you access the god or goddess within, your inner wise person:

Picture a person of seventy or more --just the kind of elder you admire, the one you would like to become.  Financially secure, in good health, surrounded by people who care, good friends and family... active with lots of interests...  Introduce yourself to this elder, and notice your names are the same.... this is you, later in life...  Make an agreement with this ideal older self that you will get advice about what decisions you need to make as life goes on, to live to a healthy and happy state of being . Continue your conversation as long as you wish, and ask what your elder’s secret is for living to such a lovely old age.

Once this contact is established, you can check out your decisions regularly by using this wise mentor within.  For example, how does this inner counselor react to your life choices?  At that advanced age, will you look back on what you’ve done and think it was worth it? Does your wise self approve? Does he or she think your choice will last?  What is the difference between what’s important to you, and what this inner counselor regards as important? 

All the experiences of your life, especially the difficult ones, have taught you valuable skills -- using what you’ve learned in life to help yourself and others can create meaning out of pain.  Buddhist teachers note that poisonous plants and venoms become healing medicines with careful processing,  Every trial that you face has something to teach you and can become a source of wisdom.  This inner counselor will help you access what you know.

It is a very effective tool to help you look at your own life and your decisions from a different and valuable perspective.  The decisions you make today affect the rest of your life, and you are ultimately  the only person to whom you are accountable and for whom you are responsible.  Every new decision is truly a new life’s resolution.  

(c) 2023 Tina B. Tessina adapted from The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty
     

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: Intuition or Inner knowing

 Dr. Romance writes:

When I met Richard , my husband, October 10, 1981, he was sitting outside, and the sun was glinting off his red hair, and my whole body and soul said "wow!"  We married on May 9, 1982, and all these years later, we’re still happy.  It turned out to be a lasting love at first sight. How did I know?  

I didn’t.  It’s a lovely story, and all true, but it leaves out some important facts.  The truth is that I felt that "wow!" to one degree or another for many guys while I was single. The difference is that with Richard, everything progressed pretty seamlessly from that first day until marriage. He turned out to be a good guy, our chemistry worked, and (with considerable work) we learned how to create a lasting, loving partnership.   Today, we still feel happy and blessed.

 

Our very good luck in having "love at first sight" came true only in hindsight.  No one really knows at the beginning.  Still, that initial flash of insight did exist, and was part of what later developed into lasting love.

 

I trust my intuition in many ways.  If I'm thinking of someone, I call.  Sometimes, that person was hoping I would.  Once or twice, as I've picked up the phone to call, the friend I was calling was already on the line, and the phone hadn't even rung yet.  At times people call me, and I say "You got my message" because I was just thinking of calling them. 

 

Intuition and empathy are basic tools for a good psychotherapist.  In my sessions, I  pay attention to get the meta- communication --  the things clients aren't saying verbally – to help my clients clarify and solve their problems.  I have operated on my intuition, balanced by rational thought, all my life, and it's led me to living a life that is all one piece, blending work, home and relationships, and that  has meaning and joy for me.  It also helps me help my clients learn to use their own intuition.

 

Intuition is not as magical or mysterious as it sounds.  It's a mental tool that uses our perception of things that may not be obvious otherwise, such as someone’s facial expressions, pheromones (subliminal scent cues), past behavior and "vibes" to give us an impression we could not get on a rational level.  Trusting intuition and giving yourself a chance to check it opens up your receiving process -- you become more aware of what's coming your way, and can be open to  it.  Previously in this blog, I’ve explained "preparatory set" a tool our brains use to sort through all the overwhelming data coming  in every moment, and filter out what you don't want to see, and highlight what you do want to see.  This means that when you are open to getting intuitive info, you'll  find it.  Both the positive and negative opportunities and choices are around us all the  time.  Our expectations and perception determine which options we notice most readily.

 

With my therapy clients, I often trust my intuition about what they're thinking, but I am also aware I'm getting clues or "vibes" from them, which my subconscious is interpreting -- and it's pretty accurate.  Clients are often astounded that I seem to know what they're thinking, but it's not  magic -- it's just one more amazing emotional/psychological/mental skill we all have, that my training and experience have fine tuned.  The mind, if we relax and trust it, truly has some miraculous abilities.

 

Intuitive expertise becomes really valuable when you’re looking for love.  Use your intuition to tell if someone is lying – simply go slowly and check the person out as you go along.   If you become aware that you are uncomfortable or afraid in someone’s presence, that’s your intuitive early warning system – pay very close attention and find out what is causing your negative reaction.   If you take the time to get to know a new potential date, you’ll have a chance to check out the validity of both positive and negative intuition,.  By keeping the relationship in the "friends" category, you will know more about the person before taking risks.  If you feel pressured to go faster, see this as a warning.   Begin getting to know a new person in group settings.  By meeting people in safe venues and groups, you automatically begin as friends, and know more about your date before you begin dating. You also get the benefit of your other friends' reactions to your potential date – pay attention to their feedback, they could be right.  Don't let attraction overrule your common sense.  Your libido can't tell an ax murderer from a saint; but your intuition, backed up by rational thought, can.   Look for integrity  make sure your date walks his or her talk. Anyone can talk big. Actually, some of the best people don't present themselves well  don't overlook someone who is not gorgeous, charming and glib, but has all the qualities you really value.

 

Your intuition by itself may not be magic, but when you use it wisely, it can help make your dreams come true. (Adapted from It Ends with You) 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Older Women Dating Younger Men

Dr. Romance gets letters about older women dating younger men; which appears to be shocking to some people, but I don’t find it so unusual. 

Why would a younger man want to date an older woman?   Who isn't attracted to success, smarts and experience?  Young men can find this just as attractive in an older woman as in anyone else. Perhaps he enjoys the mentoring, perhaps just the emotional stability of an older woman who knows her mind and her heart.  These relationships can last; it’s not age that makes the difference, but how well the couple build trust, partnership and a life together.

Socially, there is a role reversal of sorts going on, women are more powerful, and may want men who are younger and therefore, more flexible:  men who can handle it if the woman's career and lifestyle are more important.  Media images are also showing women that dates don't have to be older. Women who have high-powered careers or a well-developed self-image and want freedom and flexibility are exercising more choice.  Women who have been divorced and are established single moms may enjoy having a playmate, someone to have fun with; who doesn’t try to control her.

In my counseling office, I have seen many relationships succeed with this kind of older woman/younger man scenario.  The media focuses on the age difference, but what really makes or breaks the relationship is how well the couple can form a partnership or team that works.

Age difference is an adolescent worry: when you're a teenager, an age difference of even two or three years makes a vast difference in your experience and your outlook on life.  Such a difference can interfere with communication, life goals, outlook, and relationship experience.  In addition, for the young, the social reaction to such a relationship is often very negative.  If one partner is underage, a sexual relationship is even against the law. 

But, as you get older, life experience and emotional growth help to equalize your relationship skills and resources.  A ten‑year or more difference in your ages makes little difference in how well you can conduct your relationship.  

Don't focus on an arbitrary numbers difference in your ages. If you are getting along, you have good communication and problem‑solving, and you love each other, that's a precious thing, and far more important than any age difference could be. If other people have a problem with it, let it be their problem.

Whether or not a relationship is healthy is not determined by age differences, but by the interaction between the partners.  A ten‑year difference is not too difficult to bridge, but differences of twenty years or more in age can lead to some difficulties as the partners get older.  For example, the younger partner may mature and reconsider his or her choices, or an older partner may confront aging problems much sooner.  But, as long as both parties are adult, and the couple has talked about their age difference and the future possibilities, I don't make judgments about their respective ages.

The reasons some people choose to date individuals much younger (or older) than themselves are myriad, and often go back to childhood.  There are healthy and unhealthy reasons to date someone of a different generation.  One inappropriate motivation for dating a younger person is fear of aging on the older person's part.  A younger partner isn’t going to reverse the aging process or protect you from old age.   Obviously, a man or woman who dates someone as young as his or her children is going to run into some social opposition, but the differences that can cause the biggest problems within the couple relationship are differing maturity levels.

As more and more women choose younger partners for relationships, the question arises: Are women in their late 30's and early 40's are likely to be successful with partners who are 10 ‑ 15 years younger than themselves?

Success in these relationships depends on what the motivations of both people are.  Some older people feel younger at heart than their contemporaries, and like to date people who are as active as they are.  Chronological age doesn't always reflect either physical capability or emotional maturity.  Sometimes an age difference is a mentoring relationship ‑‑ the older person advises the younger one on life or career.  This can backfire if and when the younger person decides he or she has learned enough, and wants to move on.

If you’re asking: “Is it OK for me to have a partner who is much older or younger than I am?” You’ll do better if you forget about your ages, and concentrate on whether the relationship works for both of you, or not.  What really makes a romantic relationship succeed is the emotional connection, rather than external appearance.  Men are more visually focused.  A woman who connects with a much younger man may be powerful in career, and looking for someone to play with.  It's difficult to tell without knowing the couple.

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will help you create a loving relationship, no matter how different you may be from your partner.

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty helps mature women of any age create happier lives for themselves

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]