Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dr. Romance on The One Who Got Away

When Dr. Romance was a girl, growing up in the small township of Rockland, New York, there was a tiny post office, which was a small room with a separate entry in the house next door. Rockland’s official postmistress was Clara Weiss, who seemed very elderly even when I was a very small child. She was what we used to call a “maiden lady” or spinster, who had dedicated her life to taking care of her mother, who was disabled, and also not quite balanced. Mrs. Weiss had one leg, and frequently escaped from the house and crawled around the yard, yelling strange things. Clara, as you might suppose, did not have much of a social life. After her mother died, and Rockland lost its tiny post office (we had to go into the slightly larger town of Roscoe, a mile away) Clara went to work in the central post office, about 20 miles away. There, she met a co-worker, and when she was 73 years old, I remember that we gave her a bridal lingerie shower. It really is never too late to fall in love. Clara moved away to live with her husband, and they had about 10 good years together.

A number of years ago, a friend and former student of Richard’s, who was in her 70's reconnected with an ex whose marriage proposal she had rejected in her 20's, because he had a drinking problem. In the intervening years, they both married other people, had children and full lives. Fifty years after their first romance, when both were widowed, he tracked her down, she went down to San Diego to meet him for lunch, and didn’t return for a week. They, too, married, and had some happy years together.

A very dear friend of mine, who lives in another city and has been divorced for many years, has been living happily for a several years with the man she met in college and decided not to marry. They had each married other people, had children, divorced years ago and reconnected last year. They are happy together.

In addition to these stories of reconnected love, I often see clients in my practice who get back together after breaking up or divorcing. In fact, some couples come to me after they have broken up several times because of fighting and disagreements, but something always pulls them back together. Surprisingly enough, many people do start dating again after they've divorced or split up. I believe in the power of love, and if your heart is yearning; It’s fine to reach out to a first or former love; as long as you do it properly.

You may never have really resolved the old relationship satisfactorily, or one or both of you may have matured and become a more suitable candidate for a relationship. Lots of people find out they appreciate each other more after they've been apart for a while. Also, as I said, I've seen a number of couples re-connect joyously much later in life, after having marriages and families with other partners.

It depends on how accurate your memory is, and how good or bad the reality feels. If it's good, then you really think it was love at first sight. If it's bad, you are left with what was I thinking? It's very easy to idealize someone you've never known well; the reality never impinges on the fantasy, so the ideal person doesn't tarnish. You remember a rosy picture of perfection. That's difficult to let go of, if you never get a reality check.

Can this really work, or will it just fall apart again? Here’s how to see if you and your ex can make it work.

Dr. Romance’s Guidelines for Improving the Odds with your Ex

* Consider seeing a therapist on your own, to get expert help to decide if you’re searching for this old love for the right reasons; and to help you get some perspective on what might need to be corrected.
* Make a careful first contact: strictly Hi, how are you doing? For example, if you see the old love on Facebook, try sending a message and asking to be friends. Don't say anything about still having feelings. Your old love may very well be married now, or even gay. You need to find out what's going on before making a move.
* Be aware whether forgiveness is needed. Did you hurt this person's feelings way back in college? Were you hurt? Old, unresolved feelings can hang around a long time, and erupt when you least expect it.
* If you get a positive response, go very slowly. Rushing into things means you’re trying to avoid some truths. If it’s going to work, it will go better if you take the time to build a better foundation than you had before.
* Treat it like a new relationship. Start from the beginning, and do it differently -- it could work this time.
* Analyze what went wrong the last time, and consciously try to fix the old problems. If you cannot talk honestly about what went wrong and what to do differently, you’ll never change anything.
* Make sure your ex is as determined to improve on the old relationship as you are. If he or she is blaming you for everything that went wrong, disaster is immanent. If you’re blaming your ex, it’s just as big a problem.
* Insist on couples therapy for both of you. Pre commitment therapy can help you find out the pitfalls and whether you’ve solved the old problems.

After all this, you might still find it’s too late to remedy the problem that led to the breakup. You may discover you’re clinging to a fantasy that is not supported by reality. If you try to re-kindle an old love, and it doesn’t work, then you’re faced with letting go – again.

You might even have the urge to try harder because breaking up finally gets through the denial and the fantasy that behaving badly or not cooperating is OK. We also have a lot of cultural mythology about I'll never stop loving you which says clinging and martyring to this lost love means you are truly in love. But clinging to an impossible lost love is unrealistic.

You must understand that a relationship is a partnership, and requires work from both partners in order to succeed. The initial romance stage isn't supposed to last, the relationship is supposed to grow into a real life partnership, and that requires paying attention, learning and growth. It's not a fairy tale-- it's a real life love story, and well worth the work required. If you give nothing, you get nothing. Love is something we create by working together, and one person can’t force it.

Clinging to a lost love can turn toxic: persisting in showing up at your ex's house, calling or showing up at work, threatening physical harm, calling your ex’s family and friends, or otherwise interfere with his or her life, will not only push your ex away, it is illegal in many states, and defined as stalking. Sometimes, clinging is encouraged, wittingly or unwittingly, by an ex who doesn't really want to be with you, but who either doesn't want to 'hurt you' or is still getting benefits (financial help, sex without commitment, you do the laundry, you're willing to take the kids more than your share) that he or she doesn't want to jeopardize. But this one-sided arrangement will not make you happy, and it’s probably time to move on.

Once you're bonded with someone, it's very painful to let go. Since most of us like to avoid our feelings, we don't want to do the grieving that's necessary to let go. But, when you've had a loss, there are a certain number of tears you must cry to let go -- getting on with the crying is the fastest way. Also, the dissolution of the relationship might not have been your idea, so you're clinging to a dream -- in denial. And letting go is the path to finding the love you want.

I wish you love – whether it is rekindled, or you move on and create something brand new.

Excerpted from How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: The Power of Politeness

Dr. Romance  writes:

Politeness and sensitivity are not held in high esteem in the media these days.  The nastiest politicians get the most air time.  Many media spokespeople, stars and commentators, crazy fascist militias, nasty radio talk show stars and “edgy” comedians; as well as personalities like the judges on talent reality shows and certain game show hosts achieve success by putting people down and making fun of them.   Sports are now about doping and winning at all costs, and the old ideals of sportsmanship seem to be lost.

 

Yet, recently I notice the people who have always been kind and pleasant, like talk show host Ellen Degeneres seem to have succeeded anyway. Could it be, after all, that being polite might win out over being “in your face” and  “edgy”?

 

There’s no accounting for media taste, it seems to sink to the lowest common denominator at least as often as it rises above the average.  But, in your personal life, politeness, consideration and caring will always be more successful than any other way of treating others. 

 

Politeness and consideration are powerful.  We all want to be liked, to be cared about and to be treated gently.  We’re human, so we don’t always succeed in behaving our best.  But, the more kindness and consideration we send out, the more returns to us. 

 

Rules of etiquette exist because to create civilization, we need boundaries.  The rules of polite behavior may sometimes feel restrictive, but when people use them, they make new and awkward situations more comfortable.  Etiquette is just a prescribed way of being polite and considerate to others.  As we get to know each other better, we can relax the rules, but keeping the attitudes of consideration and respect guarantees a more successful connection.

                                   

 

Guidelines for being better understood.    

 

1, Seek first to understand.  If you know  the other person’s frame of reference, you can speak to him/her within it.

2. Pay attention to how your words are landing.  If your companion's response looks off the mark for what you said, check out what he/she is hearing....

 

3.  Switch from problem to solution as quickly as possible.  Focus on the problem only long enough to understand it – then move your attention to finding a solution that would work for everyone, rather than who's right or wrong.

 

4. Separate emotion from solution.  If one or both of you are upset, irrational or reactive, you aren't communicating.  Take a break and try again in a few minutes, when both of you have calmed down.

 

5. Don't beat dead horses.  If you've been over the same ground several times with no forward movement, get some help. An objective third party can work wonders.

 

6. Be nice. Strive to create a cooperative atmosphere, and consider the other person’s feelings.

 

7.  Remember, “what goes around, comes around” and consider how you’d like to be treated before reacting to someone else.

(Adapted From It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction © 2014 Tina B. Tessina )

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Less Talk, More Action

Dr. Romance writes:

Those of you who have read my articles know that I am always talking about the importance of good communication, urging better communication, and giving skills for being better understood. Communication is one of the most important aspects of relationships; positive and negative. However, talk is not necessarily communication; and there are lots of non-verbal ways to communicate.

Most of my clients waste a lot of time and energy, and develop resentment by making big announcements about things If you don't start picking up your clothes, I'm going to send them to Good Will If you won't help me, I'll do it myself “If I ever catch you cheating, I’ll leave” or the classic, We need to go to counseling.

I am all for good communication, but if you've tried to communicate, and it's not working, it's time to adopt the Nike slogan and "Just Do It".

My beloved Richard loves to tell this story of his parents: His mom said to his dad: "Wouldn't it be nice to remove this wall and make the living room bigger?" His Dad just sort of grunted assent. When he came back to the house from working on the farm the next day, she had taken a sledgehammer and smashed a big hole in the wall, which meant they had to finish the job.

Richard likes to laugh about that, because it shows what a dynamo his mother was, and that she'd get done whatever needed doing. He also says he's careful what he says yes to, because he knows I'm going to follow up on it.

Whining, complaining, nagging and making snide comments are not the same as asking for what you want. Yelling, pouting, temper tantrums and hissy fits are also not effective communication. If you think your partner won't or can't work with you, these techniques are useless, and usually make the problem worse. Fighting about something over and over is an excellent indication that you’re not effectively communicating.

There’s an effective technique/skill that will work in these situations: Ask directly for what you want; then, if you’re not getting any cooperation, you can bypass all the struggle, hassle and arguing: Stop talking about it and just solve the problem.

This is probably the most powerful encouragement for your partner to join in and agree to negotiate, because he or she does not get to be part of the solution, and loses the power to stop or stall you. This is not done in a spirit of: "OK, you won't negotiate, so I'll show you," but in a spirit of "I understand that you don't want discuss this, so I'll have to solve it for myself, as best I can. When you are ready to cooperate and negotiate, I'll be available." I have written about this before, as a technique called “solve it for yourself.” The emphasis here is on don’t keep talking about it; just solve it for yourself.

There are several benefits to this approach:
* It is liberating to assert yourself on your own behalf and to realize you don't have to have your partner's participation to be satisfied, yet you also don’t have to shut him or her out, or be unkind.

* You no longer have the problem you were concerned about.

* You can still have a good, loving, relationship, because you have shut your partner out (the option to negotiate is always open) and you aren't feeling frustrated, angry and deprived.

* It takes the pressure off your partner, and increases the likelihood that he or she will relax and be less defensive and more interested.

* It prevents you from being helpless and frustrated, so you are more able to welcome your partner's cooperation when he or she offers it.

The key to solving the problem instead of repeatedly talking about it is a belief that there is a satisfactory solution. Caring about your partner's wants and needs (as well as your own) is central to cooperation, but you cannot effectively meet your partner's needs without his or her help. When your partner refuses to help solve the problem, you have no choice but to focus on doing it alone until you get cooperation. As long as you offer every opportunity to cooperate and you extend an invitation to your partner to join you whenever he or she wishes, you are free to focus your attention on solving the problem for yourself. If you try to please your partner at your own expense, there is no chance for both of you to be satisfied. Once you’ve tried to cooperate without getting support, the best solution is a course of action that puts you in control of your well-being and separates you from the effect of your partner’s resistance.

The following steps ensure you can be sure you've given your partner ample opportunity to cooperate, and you're not overreacting.

Guidelines For Solving It Yourself

1. Be sure you've made a thorough attempt to negotiate. Don’t go to Solving it for Yourself until you’ve made an honest effort to engage your partner in negotiation; not just fighting.

2. Tell your partner what you are doing. State clearly that you have attempted to negotiate the problem, that your assessment is that your partner doesn't want to work on it, that you would prefer to work on it together, but that you've decided what you are going to do about it on your own. You might want to say you’re sad to have to do this, and you’re protecting what's good about the relationship. It’s very important to be able to do this calmly and definitely.

3. Invite your partner to negotiate at any time. Say that you are going to follow your own solution, but that you are open to discussing it at any time. This is your open invitation to negotiate, which keeps it from becoming become a power play.

4. Communicate your good will. Let your partner know that you value him or her and the partnership, and you don't like having to make unilateral decisions, but you feel you have no choice, because your partner won’t work on it with you.

5. Be sure your solution solves the problem for you, even if you think your partner may not like it. If the solution works for both of you, the problem is solved, and needs no further discussion. if your partner is not satisfied with your solution, he or she has already been invited to negotiate, and being left out is a powerful incentive. To get a different perspective, imagine what you would do about the problem if your partner weren't part of it. What would you do if your best friend were involved? Considering a relationship problem from the vantage point of a single person often points out places where you're being needlessly dependent.

Hopefully, you will seldom need to solve a problem without your partner's cooperation, but knowing you can solve the problem for yourself and still leave the door open to your partner's participation means you can remain calm and gentle in the face of a partner's reluctance to cooperate. You don’t have to wait for a reluctant partner to do it with you, as long as you let your partner know what you’re doing in advance.
This will certainly be better for your relationship than feeling frustrated, angry and taken advantage of. These skills create an atmosphere of cooperation between people, and lead to negotiation that satisfies everyone involved.

From: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance On: The Tennis Match: How to Balance the Power in Your Relationship

Couples often contact Dr. Romance for counseling soon after they move in together, because they’re arguing about differences in design and life styles. Whose furniture to use, where to put it, who can use each room, or how to work out the division of labor. These squabbles are often symbolic and mask the real anxieties of the partners, which have to do with intimacy, space and closeness.

Partners who have trouble talking with each other about simple differences and can’t negotiate quickly become frightened that they won’t get their individual needs and wants met, and their fear causes them to become reactive and combative, so they argue rather than solve problems together.

Each person in a relationship has individual needs for closeness and personal space as well as needs to feel nurtured, understood and autonomous within a relationship. Individual people define their freedom in very different ways. Some want the freedom to be close and comforted; others want the freedom to be autonomous and unfettered.

Boundaries and Taking Space

When one of you doesn’t get enough space or enough closeness, you will begin to struggle within your relationship. One of you might feel unappreciated for being caring, while the other feels oppressed and smothered. One of you might be alert to your partner’s moods; often walking on eggshells not to upset him or her. The other might threaten to leave in order to get his or her way. One of you will want more together time while the other wants more space; and neither of you are satisfied with the compromise. Struggles like this lead to resentment, hurt and arguing.

When you struggle with a partner, the flow of love between you will be blocked -- even when you truly love one another. If you learn how to achieve balance and end the struggle, you’ll create the love and partnership you deeply treasure.

The Tennis Match: Volleying the Conversation, Balancing the Energy

Knowing and communicating what you want and what you feel are the basic skills for creating a mutually satisfying intimate relationship. I recommend the tennis match approach to help you understand and honor each other’s needs for space.

The tennis game approach is a flexible process that you can adapt to almost any situation. To keep your relationship in balance, especially if it’s new, neither you nor your partner should do all the calling, all the planning, all the talking, all the giving, and all the chasing. You can’t play tennis if only one of you is hitting the ball.

Instead, make a move to show the other person you’re interested in being close, then sit and wait for your partner to make a move in return. For example, make a phone call to invite him or her for coffee, or to join a group going to the movies, and then let him or her make the next invitation. This is like making a serve, then waiting for your partner to return it.

This is often difficult to do, because the natural tendency when you’re interested in someone is to be active. But being too assertive in the relationship may push the other person away, or may disguise a lack of enough interest on the other person’s part. Don’t keep hitting balls over the net if they’re not returned.

On the other hand, if you never hit the ball, but always wait for the other person to do it; you aren’t playing a very good tennis game, either. It’s essential that you do your part, because passivity is easily interpreted as a lack of interest, and can shut communication down. The tennis game metaphor is useful, because if you compare what has gone on in the relationship so far to a tennis game, you will quickly see if you’ve been either too passive or too aggressive.

The tennis match is so central to moving the relationship on to new levels that I’ve developed some guidelines you can use to show interest, understand and promote intimacy. Demonstrating that you are interested in what your partner is saying, and want to hear more, is essential.

Whether you’re online, on the phone, or face to face, you need to keep your conversation going back and forth — keeping the tennis match going in a balanced way.

Tennis Match: Guidelines for Understanding your Partner

* Take Turns: Leave room for your partner to open topics, to express opinion, to gather thoughts and express opinions. Don’t jump right in to a silence if it’s not your turn.
* Concentrate: Listen carefully to what your partner is saying — don’t wander off mentally into what you want to say next.
* Volley (Respond): After your partner says something, respond directly to it, letting him or her know that you heard and understood what was said, and, if possible that you have similar thoughts or experience.
* Don’t Argue: There is definitely a place for spirited discussion in good conversation, but be careful not to get too oppositional. Your objective is to establish understanding.
* Return the Serve: At the end of whatever you say, invite a response by adding “don’t you think?” or “What do you think?” or, make your response a question.
* Serve Again: If your partner drops the ball, ask a question about something that was said before, and give your partner plenty of time to express his or her opinion.

Let your partner know if you would like more space or more intimacy; and listen to the response. If you work together, you can achieve a good balance.

Adapted From: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on The Freedom of Maturity

"And then, not expecting it, you become middle-aged... You achieve a wonderful freedom. It is a positive thing." -- Doris Lessing

Maturity or middle age means different things to different people, writes Dr. Romance, but for most, reaching a mature age means developing a new set of expectations. At mid-life, it is possible to view life from a new perspective. You have goals and aspirations yet to achieve, but you also realize you’re not getting younger. Maturity is a time for re-adjusting your focus, and getting your whole act together. If you do, you’ll remove the fear that comes with getting older, and open a new vista of freedom and opportunity for yourself.

Living in a Changing Society

People in mid-life have always undergone physical changes, but in our modern society we must cope with social changes as well. In our brave ace of technology and mobility, adults have, willingly or not, been pioneers of social and technological change. As a mature adult today, you have a lot of life experience, including experience in making your own decisions and the heavy responsibility that comes with that. You may be a single parent, self-employed, or a successful professional: someone who is forward-thinking and up-to-date with the technology. You have made decisions all your life, so why would you have trouble now? Because decision-making is not easy for anyone, regardless of experience. In my work, one of the most frequent questions I am asked is “How can I trust that my decisions are good ones?”

Even educated and aware people often hesitate when making both long-term and short-term decisions, and many are very uncomfortable being decisive at all. Too much stress can lead to stress, burnout, heart attacks and other physical and emotional problems. With new technology and conveniences, life is lived at a faster pace than it was for previous generations and it is much more complex than it was for our grandparents, or even our parents.

As a mature adult, you have an opportunity to re-think your priorities. If you have children, most likely they are growing up, and no longer need you as much as they did. You have been working long enough to feel settled and experienced in your career, and you probably can see, in your aging parents and relatives, that there will be a time when you won’t have the ability and opportunity you do now. If you are like the people I see in my practice, you are longing to express all the parts of yourself that have been neglected or ignored. Reaching maturity means asking: What is my life about? Is my career gratifying enough? How am I going to feel when I reach old age? Will I be satisfied with what I’ve done? These questions require a new kind of decision-making expertise.

You Can’t Predict the Future

If there’s one thing life has taught you, it’s that the future is impossible to predict. As you pass through each stage of life, your experiences continue to be new, and your roles and relationships keep changing. Life is in constant flux, and as soon as you feel you’ve mastered a role, a job or a relationship, something shifts, and you need to re- decide.

If you have been single, focused on your career and friends, traveling all over, you may be longing to be settled and close to your family. If you have been a single parent, and your children are growing up, you may be feeling a new kind of freedom. If you’re married and working, you may be planning for and looking forward to your retirement. If life has been difficult, it may be time to reorganize your relationship to your money and your future. All of these changes require new, smart decisions – perhaps of a kind you never before considered.

In your lifetime, you have gone from dial telephones to cell phones, Instant Messaging on the Internet and shopping on the Web. In the workplace, jobs that require travel, telecommuting, and working via computer and smart phones are commonplace. Keeping up with the rapid pace of change we live in today (perhaps even defending yourself from it) requires a new kind of thinking.

In addition to keeping up with the technological evolution, you have responsibilities to meet at home, on the job and in your personal life. If you feel overwhelmed at times, and find that you simply can’t find the time to devote to looking at the big picture, you are not alone. By focusing on the day-to-day details, you forget to plan ahead, to anticipate change, and before you realize it some neglected aspect of your personal or family life is in crisis.

It’s time to stop briefly and take a look at where you are at this point of your life span. If you spend a few productive hours re-evaluating where you are and where you’re headed, you can create a much more satisfying, productive and fulfilling future for yourself and for those you love.

Successfully re-creating your life at this point involves several crucial factors:

1. Future Security: Planning a secure future for yourself, if you have not done so already, is essential now. This involves getting appropriate financial advice and managing your money. But money isn’t the whole picture. Making sure your lifestyle, habits and attitudes are consistent with maintaining your personal health and well being is crucial to making the coming years feel like a reward for all your hard work.
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2. Changing Roles. About this time in your life, you see shifts in your family’s needs. The generation following you is growing up, and the generation before you is getting older. Your own generation has reached the point of maximum responsibility. Many mature adults find that just as they are being relieved of some of the responsibility for their children, they are taking on a burden of caring for aging parents or grandparents. Both of these factors impact your family decisions and your personal life in profound ways. The gift this stressful period gives is learning to handle all these changes successfully and effectively, keeping your life in balance, or perhaps achieving that balance for the first time.

3. Satisfaction. After many years of being a responsible, hard-working adult and focusing on taking care of others at home, at work and in family relationships, many adults find that they don’t know what they want for themselves. It’s time to learn how to make the decisions that create the enriched, satisfying experience you always hoped your life could be. When you do, you’ll discover what satisfaction means for you, and how to re-focus your life to create more of it.

4. Enjoyment. Your ability to take pleasure in life, to “lighten up”, to find the fun in a simple moment, may have been suppressed over the years. You may just need a slight attitude shift to become more light-hearted or it may require major decisions to simplify and re-focus your goals. You can learn how to make the decisions that free you up to have more fun.

Smart Decisions For People Over Forty

If you stop to think about it, you know the difference between those who make smart, considered choices, and those who seem to let life push them around. You probably know people who succeed despite difficulties and bad breaks, and people who seem to have everything handed to them, but still can’t get it together. You know people whose lives seem full of satisfaction and accomplishment, and others who don’t feel that they have achieved anything worthwhile, so their lives are full of regret and complaints.

Cooperating and being congenial with the people you care about makes your relationships run more smoothly (at least on the surface). However, when you relinquish your power to decide for yourself, your self-esteem suffers, and you feel out of control and unimportant, even in your own life.

As you reflect on the people you know, can you see the difference between those who know how to make good decisions, and those who aren’t sure what to do? None of us is completely confident with every choice we make in life, but those who understand that their decisions will create their outcome and choose accordingly feel more secure more of the time.

As a mature adult, you are approaching the time of greater freedom and greater responsibility toward yourself. Because you’ve lived long enough to master the basic skills of life, you may be wondering what else there is. For many in mid-life, going through days focused on material things and daily chores no longer seems to be sufficient. At this point, people begin to search for a different kind of meaning. “What is my life about?” they ask. “I have most everything I want. Why doesn’t it feel like enough?”

In my therapy practice, these are the questions mature adults ask, and the forces behind the changes they must make. Understanding the important issues of this phase of your life, and being prepared to re-evaluate your goals, find meaning, and make new choices are the tasks you face now. How you meet these challenges will make the difference in how satisfying and rewarding the rest of your life will be. From experience, you know you cannot control everything that happens to you. But you can control the your reaction and response to the events around you. If you can think clearly despite changes, surprises and unplanned circumstances, you will make good choices, and succeed in all the ways you want to.

You can reorganize and restructure your goals to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, financially and socially, no matter what your life circumstances have brought you. This is your opportunity to make the most of your life, to bring long-awaited dreams into reality, and to create meaning and satisfaction for yourself.

Create Your Own Standards

Making smart, effective decisions about your own life depends on learning to set your own standards according to the values that work for you. Observing those around you is a great way to see how various value systems work and can offer you guidance in defining your own standards. By dreaming, observing and trying new things, you can recreate yourself and your life to be more of yourself than ever before. No one is in charge of you but you.

From The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Less Talk, More Action

As a reader of this Dr. Romance blog, you know that I am always talking about the importance of good communication, urging better communication, and giving skills for being better understood. Communication is one of the most important aspects of relationships; positive and negative. However, talk is not necessarily communication; and there are lots of non-verbal ways to communicate.

Most of my clients waste a lot of time and energy, and develop resentment by making big announcements about things "If you don't start picking up your clothes, I'm going to send them to Good Will" "If you won't help me, I'll do it myself" “If I ever catch you cheating, I’ll leave” or the classic, "We need to go to counseling."

I am all for good communication, but if you've tried to communicate, and it's not working, it's time to adopt the Nike slogan and "Just Do It."

My beloved Richard loves to tell this story of his parents: His mom said to his Dad "Wouldn't it be nice to remove this wall and make the living room bigger?" His Dad just sort of grunted assent. When he came back to the house from working on the farm the next day, she had taken a sledgehammer and smashed a big hole in the wall, which meant they had to finish the job.

Richard likes to laugh about that, because it shows what a dynamo his mother was, and that she'd get done whatever needed doing. He also says he's careful what he says "yes" to, because he knows I'm going to follow up on it.

Whining, complaining, nagging and making snide comments are not the same as asking for what you want. Yelling, pouting, temper tantrums and hissy fits are also not effective communication. If you think your partner won't or can't work with you, these techniques are useless, and usually make the problem worse. Fighting about something over and over is an excellent indication that you’re not effectively communicating.

There’s an effective technique/skill that will work in these situations: Ask directly for what you want; then, if you’re not getting any cooperation, you can bypass all the struggle, hassle and arguing: Stop talking about it and just solve the problem.

This is probably the most powerful encouragement for your partner to join in and agree to negotiate, because he or she does not get to be part of the solution, and loses the power to stop or stall you. This is not done in a spirit of "OK, you won't negotiate, so I'll show you," but in a spirit of "I understand that you don't want discuss this, so I'll have to solve it for myself, as best I can. When you are ready to cooperate and negotiate, I'll be available." I have written about this before, as a technique called “solve it for yourself.” The emphasis here is on don’t keep talking about it; just solve it for yourself.

There are several benefits to this approach:

* It is liberating to assert yourself on your own behalf and to realize you don't have to have your partner's participation to be satisfied; yet you also don’t have to shut him or her out, or be unkind.

* You no longer have the problem you were concerned about.

* You can still have a good, loving, relationship, because you have shut your partner out (the option to negotiate is always open) and you aren't feeling frustrated, angry and deprived.

* It takes the pressure off your partner, and increases the likelihood that he or she will relax and be less defensive and more interested.

* It prevents you from being helpless and frustrated, so you are more able to welcome your partner's cooperation when he or she offers it.

The key to solving the problem instead of repeatedly talking about it is a belief that there is a satisfactory solution. Caring about your partner's wants and needs (as well as your own) is central to cooperation, but you cannot effectively meet your partner's needs without his or her help. When your partner refuses to help solve the problem, you have no choice but to focus on doing it alone until you get cooperation. As long as you offer every opportunity to cooperate and you extend an invitation to your partner to join you whenever he or she wishes, you are free to focus your attention on solving the problem for yourself. If you try to please your partner at your own expense, there is no chance for both of you to be satisfied. Once you’ve tried to cooperate without getting support, the best solution is a course of action that puts you in control of your well-being and separates you from the effect of your partner’s resistance.

The following steps ensure you can be sure you've given your partner ample opportunity to cooperate, and you're not overreacting.

Guidelines For Solving It Yourself

1. Be sure you've made a thorough attempt to negotiate. Don’t go to Solving it for Yourself until you’ve made an honest effort to engage your partner in negotiation – not just fighting.

2. Tell your partner what you are doing. State clearly that you have attempted to negotiate the problem, that your assessment is that your partner doesn't want to work on it, that you would prefer to work on it together, but that you've decided what you are going to do about it on your own. You might want to say you’re sad to have to do this, and you’re protecting what's good about the relationship. It’s very important to be able to do this calmly and definitely.

3. Invite your partner to negotiate at any time. Say that you are going to follow your own solution, but that you are open to discussing it at any time. This is your open invitation to negotiate, which keeps it from becoming become a power play.

4. Communicate your good will. Let your partner know that you value him or her and the partnership, and you don't like having to make unilateral decisions, but you feel you have no choice, because your partner won’t work on it with you.

5. Be sure your solution solves the problem for you, even if you think your partner may not like it. If the solution works for both of you, the problem is solved, and needs no further discussion. if your partner is not satisfied with your solution, he or she has already been invited to negotiate, and being left out is a powerful incentive. To get a different perspective, imagine what you would do about the problem if your partner weren't part of it. What would you do if your best friend were involved? Considering a relationship problem from the vantage point of a single person often points out places where you're being needlessly dependent.

Hopefully, you will seldom need to solve a problem without your partner's cooperation, but knowing you can solve the problem for yourself and still leave the door open to your partner's participation means you can remain calm and gentle in the face of a partner's reluctance to cooperate. You don’t have to wait for a reluctant partner to do it with you, as long as you let your partner know what you’re doing in advance.

This will certainly be better for your relationship than feeling frustrated, angry and taken advantage of. These skills create an atmosphere of cooperation between people, and lead to negotiation that satisfies everyone involved.

For more on this: How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance's Fair Fight Guidelines

Dr. Romance writes:

Forty five years of marriage counseling and forty years of a second marriage have convinced me that fights are not necessary in a marriage.  Married couples need to have discussions, they need to solve problems, and sometimes they need to disagree, but they don’t need to squabble, argue, bicker or fight.  Fights are dramatic, which is not helpful to a discussion. If you have enough energy to create drama, you have more than enough to tone it down into a discussion.  However, because social expectations and mythology are so strong, many of my clients want guidelines for “fighting fair.” I’ve developed a set of Fair Fight Guidelines you may find helpful.

Fair Fight Guidelines

If you feel a fight is unavoidable, you can still find a win-win resolution if you follow these guidelines.

*Remember the point of the fight is to reach a solution, not to win, be right, or make your partner wrong.    

*Don't try to mind read. Ask instead what he or she is thinking.

*Don’t bring up all the prior problems that relate to this one. Leave the past in the past; keep this about one recent problem. Solve one thing at a time.

*Keep the process simple. State the problem, suggest some alternatives, and choose a solution together.

*Don't talk too much at once.  Keep your statements to two or three sentences.  Your partner will not be able to grasp more than that.

*Give your partner a chance to respond and to suggest options.

*Practice equality.  If something is important enough to one of you, it will inevitably be important to both of you, so honor your partner’s need to solve a problem.

*Ask and Answer questions directly. Again, keep it as simple as possible. Let your partner know you hear him or her.

*State your problem as a request, not a demand. To make it a positive request, use “I messages” and “please”.

*Don’t use power struggle tactics: guilt and obligation, threats and emotional blackmail, courtroom logic: peacekeeping, sacrificing, or hammering away are off limits.

*Know your facts:  If you’re going to fight for something, know the facts about the problem:  Do research, find out what options are available, and know how you feel and what would solve the problem for you. 

*Ask for changes in behavior, don’t criticize character, ethics or morals. 

*Don’t fight over who’s right or wrong.  Opinions are opinions, and that won’t solve the problem.  Instead, focus on what will work.

*Ask your partner if he or she has anything to add to the discussion. "Is there anything else we need to discuss now?"

*Don’t guess what your partner is thinking or feeling.  Instead, ask.  “What do you think?” Or “How do you feel about it?”

*Hold hands, look at each other, and remember you’re partners.

*If you’re angry, express it calmly.  “I’m angry about ……” There’s no need for drama, and it won’t get you what you want. Anger is satisfied by being acknowledged, and by creating change.  Anger is a normal emotion – rage is phony, it’s drama created by not taking care of yourself.

*Acknowledged and honor your partner’s feelings – don’t deflect them, laugh at them or freak out.  They’re only feelings, and they subside when respected, heard and honored.  *Listen with your whole self.  Paraphrase what your partner says; check to see if you understand by repeating what is said. “So you are angry because you think I ignored you. Is that right?”

*No personal attacks or criticism. Focus on solving the problem.

*If you want to let off steam (vent), ask permission or take a time out.  Handle your excess emotion or energy by being active (run, walk, hit a pillow,) writing, or talking to someone who is not part of the problem. Don’t direct it personally at anyone. You can’t vent and solve problems at the same time. 

*Don’t try to solve a problem if you’re impaired: tired, hungry, drunk or unstable.

*Surrender to your responsibility.  When you become aware that you have made a mistake, admit it and apologize. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Excerpted from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Marriage (2nd Edition)

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Aspects of Love

Ah, love!  writes Dr. Romance, What rapturous, torturous words have been set down to try and capture the essence of love.  Those clever Greeks, who invented the Olympics, and the Romans, who invented Senators,  also invented many names for love: Cupid, Eros, Venus, Aphrodite; and each name represented an aspect of love. The ancient Greeks had several words for several categories of love: they did not attempt to squeeze all of it into four little letters!  Eros was erotic or sexual love; Philos was brotherly love; Agape was altruistic, spiritual love.  The Latin poet Ovid spoke of amor ludens, or playful love: love as a game.

 

Having separate categories like these can be very helpful in thinking and talking about how we love.  In modern times, we speak of romantic love, mature love, parental love, innocent childlike love, friendship, and even intellectual love.  And why not  circumstantial love for those we become fond of because we're thrown together at work or some other activity; even though the relationship or friendship doesn't last once the circumstance changes?  A shipboard romance might be in that category.

 

Many of my clients could use some handy way to think and communicate about all the differences in the ways they love:

 

"I love her, but I'm not in love with her,” a client of mine agonized.  “But she's a wonderful person, I don't want to hurt her; I don't want to lose her friendship," Until he tells her the truth about how he feels, they’ll both be stuck in a very uncomfortable situation.

 

"I love Vince, we've been together a long time, but I'm not excited about him anymore,” sighs a young woman, “I'm not sure I still want to be lovers."  Until she talks about her boredom, Vince won’t have a chance to make any changes.  The longer she waits, the harder it will be to improve the relationship.

 

"I love my mother,” muses another client, “but I don't like her very much."  Mother may never need to know this, but the client needs to have a talk with himself about how to resolve his ambivalence and develop a workable relationship with his mom.  It’s time for the old relationship to change.

 

"I know he likes me, but does he like me?” worries another young woman.  “I mean, does he love me: is he in love with me?"   She’ll remain unrequited and unsure until she gathers enough courage to ask him directly.

 

Many clients ask me, "How will I know if I'm in love?"  Ask ten people what love is, you'll get ten different answers.  Ask those same people how they want to be loved; and each one will want something unique. One wants to be given space, another wants constant companionship.  To be held and touched sounds great to some, smothering to others.  There is no way we can know how to love each other without communicating about it.

 

Love's home is the heart, and love is not limited to one type or expression.  There is plenty to go around, and the more of it we share, the more we have.  As the song says, “Love isn't love 'til you give it away.”  You have to let someone know how you feel if you want your love to be returned.  Yes, it’s a risk, but I think it’s even riskier not to express your feelings.

 

To find out what love is, you must ask your heart, which always knows when you feel abused, and when you are too demanding.  You may not like the answer, but you can recognize it for the truth.  When I listen to my heart, I can stop worrying, because my heart is surprisingly in tune with one of the world's oldest definitions of love: “Love is patient and kind; love is neither jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude;” wrote St.  Paul. “Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right."  Whether I'm receiving love or giving it, the real thing fits that description.  The interesting thing is, when I give love away instead of hoarding it, I always seem to receive more than I can possibly give. 

 

Try feeling the love in your heart, and once you’re clear on what aspect of love you feel in a given situation, you can begin to communicate it.  If you want to learn more about what is scary about love, read "10 Reasons For Not Falling in Love." "Keys to a Happy Relationship" and Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences) will help you understand how love works for you.

 

(c) 2023 (Adapted from Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences)

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Getting Along With Each Other

Dr. Romance reflects:

One of the things I'm very grateful for in my life is the opportunities I have had to travel and see the world.  When I see a world in turmoil: earthquakes, war, terrorism, famine, political upheaval, inflation, human rights violations: I think not of the governments, but of the people, who are just trying to get through their day. 

In 1998, Richard and I had a marvelous opportunity to sail around the world as the ballroom dance teachers on the Crystal Symphony cruise ship. Many of the places we saw then, such as Oman, Jordan, Turkey, Morocco, Indonesia and Israel are in turmoil now, and not as safe for tourists. Several years ago, when Palestinian soldiers took refuge in the Church of the Nativity at Bethlehem and were under siege, I marveled that I had stood where they were, and I could picture the place as the news reports came in. Even when I was there, Israel and Palestine were struggling, as they have been since Israel was formed.

When we docked in Haifa, Israel, we had only one day, so my Jewish friends, Murray and Sylvia (who had been there before) and I hired a cab driver who drove us through the entire length of Israel, to see as much as we could in twelve hours. Getting to Bethlehem was a lesson in world peace, and I want to share it with you, from my travel notes: After the long drive back from the Dead Sea, we reach the ancient walls of the Old City in Jerusalem, and pass right through the old city to go to Bethlehem, just to the south. All along the way, there is evidence of the constantly changing borders. A barbed-wire and chain link fence marks the border for many miles, and on either side of it can be seen buildings with Hebrew signs on the Palestinian side, and Arabic lettering on the Israeli side, indicating that the land has changed ownership many times. Back and forth, back and forth, the fence moves, as various skirmishes change the borders. Bethlehem is now under Palestinian rule since the peace accord four years ago, so our driver feels it is not safe for us to enter in an Israeli taxi -- he has phoned across the border and arranged with friends for a Palestinian car and driver to take us in.

Changing cabs makes the tension of these places palpable. Our driver stops at the Palestinian border and instructs us to walk across. We feel like characters in a spy movie as we walk between the crude guard shacks on the Israeli side -- which are manned by guards cradling automatic rifles -- walk across the no-man’s-land in the middle, and then between the equally crude guard posts and the equally well-armed Palestinian guards, and no one seems to pay any attention to us – they stare right through us. Our friendly Palestinian driver, in his Arabic- marked taxi, greets us on the other side. We breathe again.

Bethlehem and the Church of the Nativity are just three miles away, so we’re there in a few minutes. As the driver chatters to us in quite serviceable English, we begin to relax. The friendliness of the two drivers, citizens of warring nations, points out that even when political situations are uncomfortable, people can find ways to work together. These drivers are not hostile toward each other, they are helping each other (and us) out. Later, we find out that many cab drivers would not take their passengers into Bethlehem-- only ours arranged the switch.

The Church of the Nativity turns out to be three churches in one: A Palestinian Christian church, a Greek Orthodox, and a Catholic church -- all 3 buildings are side by side, sharing a courtyard and some walls, and we walk through each one to get to the next. The oldest church is the Palestinian Church of the Nativity, originally built in 400 AD. We enter through a door build deliberately low, so one has to bow in respect to come in. The floor we stand on now was built in 600 AD, after the first church was destroyed, but it has a trap door in it, through which we can look down and see the original mosaic floor, about 3 feet below. The priests have a quiet pride, and an obvious awareness of the sacred ground they walk on and care for.

The church is built in the traditional cross shape, with a high ceiling from which long chains hang with a cut brass oil lamps on each one. Perhaps there are 50 of these lovely lamps, all lit, and each one different. The designs cut into the metal allow the light to project the cut-out shapes onto the walls – diamonds, moons, stars. What a glorious sight people have reverently experienced for 2500 years! To one side is a door to a stairway leading down to a room draped in silks. On the left as you enter is a niche that appears to be a fireplace, but turns out to be the spot where Jesus was born. An ornate, 13-pointed star is set in the floor on the very spot, surrounded by oil lamps. The 13 points represent the generations between David and Jesus, the number of disciples at the last supper, and the stations of the cross.

On the opposite side of the room is the stone manger where the baby was laid after birth. At one end are candles. It is a powerful sight -- all the centuries of veneration have left their energy in this room. My father was Catholic, and I have lit candles in his memory in churches all over the world, but lighting the candle at the manger was a special moment for me. When I saw the votive candles in the room, I asked where I could buy one, and our guide said the priest would get me one. The priest was almost as ancient as the room, and with almost audible creaking, he slowly brought me a candle, which I then lighted and placed with the other candles at the end of the manger. This simple ritual, followed for centuries, moved me to tears.

When we left the scene of the Nativity, we walked through the Greek Orthodox and Catholic Churches, both of which are beautiful, and back out into the courtyard.

After taking a taxi back to the border, we changed into our Israeli taxi again. Off we sped back to Jerusalem. The afternoon was fading fast. We rushed to Old Jerusalem, and visited the Cardo, an ancient Roman marketplace surrounded by a more modern shopping area.

Then we are at the Western Wall (known as the Wailing Wall) - the only remnant of an ancient temple, which the Jews venerate, and where they come to pray. The wall is divided into two sides, one for men, one for women, so Sylvia and I went to the right, and Murray went to the left. It was Murray’s birthday, and the anniversary of his mother’s death, and this was his main reason for coming back to Israel. To pray at the wall. Everywhere along the wall were men and women davening, or rocking back and forth while praying. Most of the men were dressed in the long black coats and black hats of the Orthodox Jews, and a lot of the women were also in long black costumes. It is said if you write a request on a bit of paper, and tuck it into a crack in the wall, it will be granted. As we got closer, we could hear the women murmuring, and one was crying. Again we were struck by the continuity of centuries.

The history of these places, the millennia of human existence, the prayers, grief, fears, hopes and dreams of people who are simply trying to feed their families and live a peaceful life, rises around us like a mist of human strength and survival. Our taxi drivers, both Palestinian and Israeli, are family men, as mystified about why they’re at war as we in America are about why the world can’t live in peace. They have no need to fight each other for land or for oil rights, or for religious supremacy. They need to feed their families, to care for their wives and children, and to try to leave a legacy for their descendants. So, despite what their countries are doing to each other-- despite the soldiers, the political parties, the suicide bombers, the guns and the borders -- they work together to earn a day’s wage. They are proud of their part of the world – the Moslem, Jewish and Christian holy sites, and they view it all as belonging to all of them – only the fanatics, religious and/or political, want to possess it. These men, like you and me, want just their small part – enough to be comfortable, and to keep their families healthy. There is enough to feed and clothe everyone in this world.

The late peace warrior Danaan Parry wrote: "The energy that we use to create war is the energy we need to make real peace.

"That's the courageous act that the warrior must do -- to find a way to relate to the person on the other side of the closed-off valve, so that together we can twist that valve from both sides and open it back up again.

"The new warrior is in a precarious position, because he or she says, "I am going to show myself and the rest of my tribe that... darkness exists within each one of us, and I will demand that we have the courage to look at it." So using the word "warrior" really has some meaning, because warriors have to have the courage to put up with some pretty heavy flak from their own people. We are asking our own people to grow and not to project."

I pray that we all learn to live in peace, even in the midst of wars we don’t understand. I pray that we don’t accept the idea that other humans are our enemies by virtue of their race, nation or creed. I pray that we learn to work together, no matter what our governments insist on telling us. I pray for peace, within ourselves, within our families, within the world. And like Tiny Tim, I pray: "God bless us, every one."

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: Friends in Need: Interventions for Domestic Violence

 

 Dr. Romance received the following letter:

“A topic I would like you to cover/explore is that curious phenomena which permits otherwise independent women to be dominated...even abused...by males with whom they share some sort or relationship.  Why is it that a seemingly strong, intelligent woman would allow herself to be hurt...her life to be altered in a negative way by some guy with whom she has some sort of relationship.  I currently know a couple such women and feel completely helpless with regard to alleviating their problem (which they apparently fail to see).

“I realize we/you could attack this from the other angle:  Why would a man want to completely dominate a female to the point where she fails to exist as an individual??  But, for now......help me understand this from the female perspective.”

 

I’d be happy to, and I hope the following information answers your questions. Of course, every person involved in violent situations has his or her own reason for living that way.  Usually, women who remain in abusive or violent situations are more afraid of being alone than of being with the abusive husband.  She may also be afraid of what he’ll do if she leaves.  She’s usually financially dependent on him. 

 

If the couple has children, the woman feels even more invested and trapped: she believes she’s protecting the children.   The more time passes, the weaker, more dependent and “stuck” she becomes. Abusive men are narcissistic; they have “Jekyll and Hyde” personalities, which means that they can be very charming when they’re not being abusive. 

 

Women who stay in abusive situations focus on this charm, and deny the abuse.  They also have experience of their husbands smoothly talking their way out of any responsibility for misbehavior, (for example if she once called 911 and he got the police to believe nothing was wrong.) The woman feels hopeless and helpless, that no one will believe her or help her get out.  She’s also ashamed, and doesn’t want people to know her misery.  Various women have combinations of all or some of these reasons for staying.

 

The question here that concerns most of us would be: “What can I do to help?” Here are some steps you can take when you believe a friend or family member is in this situation. 

 

 

1. Get informed about options.  Before attempting to help, make sure you know what the options are for the woman and her children.  Obtain a domestic violence hotline number, (National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)  the number for child protective services (ask the operator for your local Child Abuse Hotline, or call 1-800- 4 A Child ) and numbers for local womens’ shelters.  Call the numbers, explain that you want to help a female friend, and find out what information these organizations need to help your friend or family member.  Make a list of the information she’ll need to provide.  The National Domestic Violence Hotline Website has a lot of very helpful information at http://www.ndvh.org/index.html.  But, don’t just refer your friend to the website or phone numbers.  Give her all the details you can.  Remember, she’s probably feeling hopeless and helpless, and perhaps even worthless.  She’ll need friends to guide her every step of the way.

 

 

2.  A violent spouse has impaired impulse control, and can go off violently at any time.  It’s vital that no one talk to the violent spouse, because if he’s angered, he may take it out on his family. Understand that, if he’s truly violent, it won’t work to talk to him.  His wife and children must be safe before anyone approaches him.  Once the family is safe, you can offer him anger management classes, or suggest therapy.  Don’t be surprised if he blames his wife for his anger.  Understand that, if you get child protective services involved, and the wife won’t stay away from her husband, the children may be taken into protective custody.  Also if the wife goes into a women’s shelter, with her children, she will lose her job, if she has one, and she can’t contact her relatives from the shelter.  Shelters stress that women cannot go anywhere their husbands would look for them, or they could lead a violent man to the shelter, and endanger everyone there.

 

 

3. Find a couple of friends or family members you can trust not to tell the husband what you know, and talk to them to find out what they know about the situation, and if they’d be willing to help. If you’re not sure about the abuse or violence, they may be able to confirm your fears, or set them at rest.  If you find that your fears are confirmed, make it clear to everyone that your friend is in real danger. Make a plan for what each of you are willing to do to help. Perhaps a family member can take her and the children in, and keep her surrounded and safe from her husband if he goes into a rage.  Perhaps you can get her connected to a women’s shelter. Perhaps you can help her get a Restraining Order, or a Protection from Violence Order against her husband.  Some of you may know enough facts to witness on her behalf.  You may be able to help her see the websites on a computer her husband won’t be able to access.

 

 

4. Once the first three steps are in place, you need to talk to the woman who’s in danger.  If you, a relative, or one of the other friends can get her alone, away from her husband, do so.  Don’t leave telltale phone messages or e-mails, because women in these situations are often closely monitored by their husbands.  Find a way to meet with her alone.

 

 

5. Once you get her alone, tell her what you know about her situation. This may mortify her, but it’s important that she knows you know.  Tell her you care about her, you’re willing to help her if she wants help, and what you can do for her. She needs to know she has support and protection, because getting away from this man is very frightening for her. She may tell you she’s fine, she doesn’t need help.  She may even be angry at you.  In that case, don’t get angry or annoyed.  Instead, tell her if she ever needs help, you’re available.  You can print the “Family Violence Q& A” article from my website  and leave it with her.

 

6. If your friend has children, you believe the children are in danger, and she won’t do anything, you may have to call the Child Abuse Hotline without her permission.  This will not be easy, because the family will then be investigated.  If problems are verified, the children may be taken away, and both parents will be required to take parenting classes, and domestic violence classes to regain custody of the children.  Children’s Protective Services will give temporary custody to a safe family member in the meantime, if someone is willing.

 

None of this is pleasant, or easy, but if you honestly believe the relationship is abusive or violent, it’s the caring thing to do.  Remember that domestic abuse or violence situations don’t get better without intervention. 

Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Creating Peace

Dr. Romance wishes you a Happy New Year, everyone! This is the time when a lot of energy is spent on making resolutions, most of which we don’t manage to keep. So, in the face of all the violence we have experienced this year, I would like to propose a different kind of resolution.  
Will you join me in resolving to create a year of peace?

Peace begins inside yourself. When you can remain calm even though things are not going well, or someone is being annoying, or you’ve been severely disappointed, you’re beginning to create a more peaceful world. When you can be kind, caring and walk away from things and people that are upsetting; rather than challenging, being defensive or getting even; you’re creating peace where there might have been conflict. When you spend some time relaxing, meditating, cuddling up or doing what you love, you’re creating a mental and physical experience of peace that lowers your blood pressure, reduces your stress, heals your body, and opens your creativity.

When inner peace reigns, it spreads outward from yourself to your friends and family; and even strangers. Your calm and caring interior creates “vibes” that are soothing and comforting to those around you. If you can smile at the grocery cashier after the previous customer was cranky, or touch your dear one’s hand when things get edgy, or call a friend who’s going through a struggle just to say you understand; you’re creating a more peaceful family and community.

Peaceful communities work together to accept and help each other. When your neighbors rally to bring food and medicine to a friend who is ill; when we all work together to fix a local problem or pass some beneficial community laws, or just say a friendly “Hi” or pass the time of day with our neighbors; we’re creating a more trusting and peaceful society.

When we take care to make thoughtful political choices, with an eye to what is good for our neighbors as well as ourselves, and consideration for the future as well as today; in response to reasoned thinking rather than reaction to agitated commercials, we are creating a more peaceful world. When we follow the old precept to ‘think globally; act locally’ we’re creating conditions for world peace and prosperity.

Happiness is not so much getting what we want as it is acting and thinking in ways that nurture connections and harmony. Within the nurturing environment we create, love and happiness can flow and grow.

The Shape of Peace

How shall we know When peace is here to stay?
How can we grow in peaceful, loving ways?
When will the struggle be transformed into the dance?
Can faith be strong enough to take the chance?

Chorus: Hold out your hand and touch the shape of peace
And side by side we’ll watch the struggle cease
The Hand of God will touch and heal the breach
When we are one, when we have learned
The shape of peace

The shape of peace is in the silent stars
That dance in time to Power beyond ours
We can’t escape, we cannot shout it down
After the battle, the silence is profound.
© 2001 Words and music by Tina B. Tessina

May we all be blessed with The Spirit of Peace ~ Within ourselves, Within our lives, Within the world.
Wishing you a A Blessed and Peaceful 2023

(C) 2023 Tina B. Tessina Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: Mirrors and Teachers

Dr. Romance writes: There are people in my life who are  easy to be around, and others I love who are more difficult for me.  It’s not that they’re bad people, others get along with them fine, and, actually, so do I.  It’s just that I have to work a little bit more to understand what they mean, to not take what they say the wrong way, or use a little more patience around them, because their personalities or styles are quite different from mine.  I find it worth the work, because our differences stretch me a bit, and enrich my life and understanding in ways that more similar people don’t.  Challenging relationships can be the most rewarding, because they teach the biggest lessons.

 

Perhaps you have run into people who test your patience at work, with friends, or among extended family.   Sometimes people are difficult to handle because they remind us of other people we had problems with in the past, so we’re attracted and frustrated at the same time.  Others can be difficult for many people around them. Problems with a familiar type of person may not emerge until you’re already bonded and involved as friends or partners. 

 

Many valuable gifts come through overcoming negative reactions, and learning to view others as reflections of ourselves – useful mirrors.  The following exercise will help you step back and look at others as a source of information about yourself,  view people from a different angle and use the very people who upset you as a reflection of the internal dynamics behind your struggles.

 

Exercise: mirrors and teachers

 

1. List problem people: Make a list of people with whom you have had problems in the recent past.  You can use the list from the exercise for reviewing your family map in the last chapter, choose the family members who are still presenting problems, and add to it other people who are difficult, but aren’t related.

 

2. Choose a mirror: Select one of the most difficult people on the list, and think about your interaction with that person.  What do you want from him or her?  Do you want to be understood? To be respected? To be left alone? To be appreciated? To be cared about?

 

3. Relate it to yourself:  Now consider how to give to yourself what you want from the other person.  If you want to be left alone, do you leave yourself alone?  If you want to be trusted, do you trust yourself?  If you want to be heard, do you listen to your own self?  If you want to be important, are you important to you?

 

4. Change your self-treatment: Practice treating yourself the way you would want to be treated by the person in question.  For example, if you are angry because this person doesn’t treat you with respect, consider what it would mean to treat yourself with respect, and change your behavior toward yourself accordingly.  If you’re upset because the person doesn’t listen to you, spend some time every day listening to yourself. 

 

5. Learn new skills:  Think about the dynamics between the difficult person and yourself, and what you need to learn that would improve the relationship.  Perhaps you need to learn not to take what is said too seriously.   Perhaps you need to learn to set boundaries, or to handle other peoples’ anger more effectively.  Make a list of new skills you could learn that would improve your ability to deal better with this type of individual.  On you list, note where you think you could learn the skills you need.  From a friend? With a therapist? From books? Some of the exercises in the rest of this book may give you what you need. 

 

6. Do your part: Take responsibility for your part of the relationship.  Keeping in mind that no one can struggle with you if you don’t struggle back, consider what you need to do to remove yourself from the relationship problem.  Remember, no matter what’s going on, you have control over your own actions – you can choose not to participate in any situation that is destructive or counter-productive. (From It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction )

 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: Where is Love?

Dr. Romance writes:

Probably the most prevalent question I’m asked in my counseling practice is "Where is love?" Clients want to know why they can’t find a successful life partnership, why a friend or family member won’t respond as they would like, even why they don’t love themselves. In a perfect world, love wouldn’t be something we have to learn – if you believe in a loving cosmos, then we were all conceived in Love, and it’s Love that created us. But, we live in a human world, and we’re all imperfect beings, falling short time and time again in our attempts to love one another and even to love ourselves.

So, we have to learn to love, and even learn to be loved. The more we can learn to think of ourselves surrounded by Love, living in Love, breathing Love in and out, the more we begin to feel it, and the more we attract it. As we understand this, we begin to meld our imperfect, human world with the larger, more expansive world of Love, and things begin to happen that we cannot anticipate. Expecting a miracle, as long as we really strive to understand what miraculous means, will actually make it happen. It's not really magic, unless you believe as I do, that the mind is a miracle in itself.

Think of it this way: every opportunity we have to be loving is a course in emotional growth – thinking about love and relationships as a learning experience will make it easier to increase your loving potential.

Most of us are quite practiced in taking courses. If you sign up for an algebra course, for example, you know what you’ll face: 10 (or so) weeks of learning new material and homework assignments consisting of more and more complex problems based on the material learned. You may grumble about the homework load, or complain about the teacher, but you never think you've been given the problems as punishment. Problems are a natural part of the educational process.

Life, too is a classroom with many classes. One of the most rigorous courses is Love 101. It's required, no one escapes it, and the skills learned are useful for an entire lifetime. The syllabus for this class includes love of self, family, and friends. The advanced syllabus includes love of enemies and those who disappoint, hurt or frustrate us. All of the problems presented are to help us stretch and grow emotionally.

Every relationship you have is a learning lesson in love, both of yourself and of the other. By keeping in mind you are a student, and problems are to learn from, you will make life easier, growth faster, and everything will make more sense.

Your homework is to learn about love. This week’s assignment might be some difficulty with a friend or family member. How are you going to solve the problem of loving that friend who’s not treating you well? How are you going to turn an abrasive situation into a smooth path? Or maybe the person who’s not being so nice to you is actually yourself. So, what can you do, when you’re at odds with you, to reconcile and turn the criticism into appreciation and love for self? Sometimes a romantic partner or spouse is the biggest challenge. What if your partner is not listening to you, or resisting your ideas? How can you love that, and make enough room in your heart to hear him or her first, and help the atmosphere change from hostile to loving? And what if your assignment is creating a romance where none exists? How can you do that with love for yourself, and with the positive belief that there’s enough love in this imperfect world that you can have what you want?

Once you’ve been disappointed or hurt, being afraid is natural, and it’s even a healthy response to facing a situation you’ve had trouble with before. Your fears are saying, in effect "I’ve had a bad time with this before -- I don’t feel prepared to do it again." Rather than letting that message frighten you away, learn to love your emotions for wanting to keep you safe, and discover a new, slower, safer path to tread. But don’t give up on the goal. You have learned a lot in your lifetime, and all of us can always learn something more about love.

(c) 2022 Tina B. Tessina from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance On Giving Thanks

Dr. Romance on giving thanks:

A lot of people aren’t very good at looking at the positive.  I hear a lot of negativity, blaming and complaining daily in my counseling office, and I find the more negative people are, the worse their lives work.  Talking about how bad it all is seems to be quite popular.  When I can break through this fashionable bad attitude enough to get my clients begin thinking of what can be done to fix the problem (rather than how awful it all is) things soon begin to improve.  

Of course parts of life are hard; things don't always go right.  We all grieve at loss; we hurt sometimes; we can feel tired and overwhelmed. 

But when you make the effort to see the other side, this very same life can also be full of delight and joy.  When we look with gratitude, we remember the people we have lost also filled many days with laughter and friendship.  Loyal friends rally round and support us when we get hurt, tired or discouraged.  

For clients who complain that they're lonely and lost, I point out all the wonderful opportunities they have to connect with others.  If you're out of a job, sure that's hard, and sure job hunting takes time: but it also gives you time to spend with people; which can be absolutely free, if you arrange it that way.  There is no charge for walks on the beach, sitting on the porch at sunset talking, or helping each other with your resumes.  

I knew someone who was fond of quoting research that claims depressed, pessimistic people have a more accurate view of reality than optimistic, happy types.  What I want to know is  whose lives work better: the depressed people who are supposedly more "realistic", or the happy, "unrealistic" ones.  This charge of unreality connected to a happy outlook is more of the modern, fashionable "downer" attitude. 

We don't get to choose everything that happens to us in life; but we do have many powerful choices to make, including how we respond to what happens to us.  If you constantly see the most negative interpretation (half a glass being half empty, rather than half full), your demeanor will reflect that negativity.  If you seem depressed, down or angry most of the time, others will respond to that negatively: by rejecting or criticizing you.  No one can handle being around a person who is down most of the time; it saps the joy out of life. 

The opposite is true when you’re optimistic and grateful for what you have. 

It's probably easier to show gratitude when you're not overwhelmed by largesse and opportunity. It’s easy to take it all for granted, when we have so much.  But, in my practice and in my own life, I see the result of remembering to stop and be grateful.  Counting blessings enhances your life, by increasing your awareness of what you have, what you've accomplished, and the love you experience.  It enhances relationships by reminding you to say "thank you" and getting the reward of spouses and friends who feel appreciated, and thus motivated to give/love/share more.  Celebration + Appreciation = Motivation.    

Here are are some easy tips on how to feel more thankful: 

*Take some time each day to be thankful (ideally, to your Higher Power, God, the Angels, The Saints, the Universe, Mother Earth/Nature, or whatever you see as a Supreme Being)  for each and every thing that comes your way.  Do this silently, for yourself, not ostentatiously, to impress others.  If you say a grace before meals, say it silently, and think about how fortunate you are. 

*Keep a list for one week about every good thing that comes your way -- a funny e-mail, a phone call, a business success, a loving gesture.  At the end of the week, you'll be astounded at how much you receive. 

*Saying "Thank You" to your partner allows both of you to feel valued. Gratitude is powerful, and, used properly, a much greater motivator than demanding, criticizing, or nagging.  Creative thank you's are the most powerful kind.  It's easy to scope out what kind of thank you will be memorable for a particular person, when you’re paying attention.  Recognition is a powerful motivating factor, and a little gratitude can go a long way.

*Whenever a negative thought comes to mind, counter it with a feeling of thanks for something that is good in your life. Change your focus from what's wrong to what is right.

*Start counting what you already have that you cherish.  Consider beginning a gratitude journal, and noting all the positive things, beloved possessions, and tender moments you experience. Or, start a gratitude jar, and note down on scraps of paper all the positive things, beloved friends, favorite possessions, and tender moments you experience in your own life and store them in the jar. Then whenever you feel another pang, pull out a few papers and read them. You'll find that reminding yourself of all you have to be grateful for will cheer you up and help you remember that your life is a good one. 

Looking for the blessings in every day will maximize your awareness of how lucky you are, and increase the luck that comes your way.   I think of it the same way I think of receiving a gift.  If I receive good things by thinking "It's about time", then who would want to give me more? But, if I receive gifts with gratitude and pleasure, then the giver wants to give me more.  I think life works the same way. 

May your life be full of good things.

from The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance on The Meaning of Life

Dr. Romance writes:

A seeker goes to Nepal and climbs into the Himalayas to find a teacher, a guru he’s heard about. After months of searching and struggle, he finds the famous man, and asks his burning question: "What is the meaning of life?"

"The meaning of life is a bridge," replies the wise man.

The seeker is incensed. "Wait a minute, what kind of dumb answer is that? I struggled and fought to get here, and that’s all you have to say? A bridge? That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard!"

The guru blinked, looked at him and said, "You mean...it’s not a bridge?"

Most of my clients come to me, not searching for the meaning of life, but focused on some crisis in their lives: a relationship disaster, marriage or family problems, lack of direction and motivation, some huge loss for which they’re grieving, an emotional problem such as anxiety or depression, or perhaps even for help in recovering from an addiction. The first thing we do is sort through the crisis, handle immediate problems, and get everything settled down, then we embark on an extended process of figuring out how the problem happened and what must change to keep it from happening again. Once those things are handled, there's a period of bliss or euphoria, when life is working for the first time, they feel successful, calmer, more in charge. Most clients leave at this time.

Then, frequently, they come back asking "Now that I'm in charge of myself, and have a lot of extra energy, because life is a lot easier and my relationships are working, it feels like I'm missing something: what am I doing here?"

This begins a spiritual search for meaning, a transformation I've written about in The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs,

 

People for whom the basics of life are already established need more: they need a sense of meaning and a higher purpose than just survival. Once self-confidence and self-esteem are established, you’ll need a challenge to feel satisfied, a way to express your uniqueness and individuality to yourself, to friends, and to the world.

But if your life's purpose is not evident to you already, how do you find out what it is? Where does a sense of purpose come from? It comes from within you, and is not imposed or chosen from outside. Your purpose may be your livelihood, or it may have nothing to do with how you make a living. Your purpose may be a simple one, like making a good, healthy life for yourself and your children, or it may be more dramatic, and based on what you learned by healing your own childhood experience. Focusing on inner purpose can help you transform anxiety, anger, fear and rage into powerful, life-affirming action.

A life purpose gives you the means to control your destiny, no matter what the force of the hardships you have incurred. Most of the world’s spiritual thinkers have said that the wisdom guiding each of us is available if we just listen and trust what we hear. You may already be having many ideas but not be trusting them or taking them seriously. Perhaps when you get a sense of what what your life's purpose is, you are too distrustful of yourself, (I can’t do that) or too hopeless and helpless to believe it or act on it. Your purpose may make itself clear to you in one instant flash, or gradually, as if you are following clues, one at a time. Whether you get it all at once or a piece at a time, it will still take work and experience to bring it about. Inner wisdom is not rational or practical in nature, but more intuitive and spiritual. It can provide a way to see the big picture, or a more detached and objective viewpoint of the issues and problems of life. Each new idea must be tested through practical use, to see how it works. Step by step, using both intuitive wisdom and clear thinking, you can bring your inner motivation to the surface and use it to create what you want. Your combination of inspiration expressed through action becomes the bridge to the meaning of your own life. 

From:  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Self-Reliance and Independence

"As the price of liberty is vigilance -- so the price of independence is self-determination, the price of dignity is self-assertion, and the price of respect is self-respect," wrote psychiatrist Dr. Thomas Szasz.

Dr. Romance knows that self-determination and self-respect are the necessary keys most unhappy people need to grasp the concept of taking full responsibility for and control over their own lives. Until they find this key, dissatisfied people dream that there is someone else who can make "it better", who can take total care of you, who can be responsible for you more effectively than you can yourself.

We have this dream for two reasons: 1) when we were little our parents led us to believe that someone would take care of us and make it better; 2) unaware parents failed to teach us the skills necessary to take care of and feel capable of being responsible for ourselves. Self-Reliance and happiness begins when we realize how false and destructive this dream is; when we understand that no one can take care of us better and that only we are responsible for our lives; and when we start to learn effective methods for doing these things ourselves.

By developing self-reliance and independence, which is the ability to take care of and be responsible for yourself, you acquire:

(1) The emotional tools necessary to free yourself from dependency.  To be responsible is to be able to make effective decisions and choices for yourself, to weigh alternatives, and to evaluate ethical dilemmas and solve problems. When a problem arises, the independent person has acquired the skills it takes to face it squarely, learns as much as possible about it, considers many options, weighs the possible outcome of each option, and perhaps seeks advice and counsel before reaching a decision. As independent and self-reliant person, you can ask directly for help, but you remain in charge of how much and what kind of help you accept, and you make clear agreements about what is expected in return.

(2) When you develop self-reliance and independence within yourself, you also are developing the role models that enable you to choose appropriate friends and a suitable mate. The interaction you have with yourself is a role model for all your other relationships. For example, if you criticize yourself frequently, you're more likely to stay around others who are critical, because it feels familiar. Likewise, self-reliance and independence in yourself also helps you see it in others. When you have a caring, responsible relationship with yourself, you develop an internal relationship model to use as a basis for your friendships and intimate relationships with others. As you become more experienced at identifying healthy friendships, your circle of good friends grows -- beginning with your relationship with yourself, expanding to a few new friends, and eventually growing into a supportive "family" of choice who reinforce your autonomy and independence.

And (3) the understanding that you are responsible for yourself and must learn whatever you need to make your life successful, functional and happy; rather than waiting around for someone else, or trying to gain another's approval.

Taking care of and being responsible for yourself requires skills that are usually learned in early childhood. However, we don't always get the healthy positive examples we need, so we grow up without the necessary learning.  This is not unusual, or entirely the fault of our parents. If you were gradually taught and encouraged to be self-reliant from early childhood, you would learn the necessary skills and attitudes for autonomous living one step at a time. Unfortunately for many of us, our parents were not trained in autonomy either, and could not teach us.

Even the popular idea of parents' "responsibility" for children can be counter-productive. Parents who see their role as controlling their offspring rather than teaching them to make choices on their own, teaches the children dependency rather than independence. 

Another reason self-reliance an seem difficult is because most of our society actively discourages it. Media images of love and caring, a parental "I know what's best for you" attitude among helping professionals, religious and political figures, and the generally accepted idea of parents' "duty" create an atmosphere in which independence appears to be selfish and alien. We are taught to value caring for others to the point of martyrdom, and to regard caring for ourselves as "self-centered" and "egotistic". 

Children who don't learn self-love and self-control (rather than guilt and duty) become dependent and insecure adults. Those children who are taught self-reliance and independence and therefore take care of themselves are viewed with disbelief (she can't be that good) suspicion (yes, but if we only knew...) and envy (some people have all the luck) by the others.

Recovery programs are challenging these social attitudes by defining caring for others without regard for self as "codependency" and "enabling". Twelve-Step programs such as ACA and Al-Anon have popularized a concept long established in psychology theory: that it is unhealthy to be too dependent on another. However, while all these have indicated that dependency is unhealthy, they haven't yet learned to value self-reliance.

Contrary to these beliefs, self-reliance and independence actually enhance relationships with others, and allow giving and receiving to be truly unconditional. Only a person who is fully able to care for him or herself can be free to love and give freely; deprived people give grudgingly. 

As children, our natural curiosity is powerful. In fact, young children are small "learning machines". Their whole being is focused on learning through their five senses. Research shows that children are "turned on" by situations in which they can learn. Their bodies produce hormones such as adrenaline and endorphins -- natural substances that produce a "natural high" -- the body's own, internal motivation and reward system for learning.

When faced with a new experience, as long as they feel safe and unthreatened, young children are highly motivated to explore and learn. Secure toddlers are irresistibly drawn to bright colors, new sounds, and new experiences -- they find your jingling car keys fascinating. To a child who has supportive, loving, functional parents, the world is a fun, safe place to be, and learning is exciting, and exhilarating. Children who feel secure are compelled by their joy in learning to venture forth, to begin to take small risks, and begin to act independently of their parents. It is in taking these risks, under parental supervision and support at first, and increasingly independently as the child grows older, that the necessary skills of self-reliance are first learned.

Independence grows out of these healthy learning experiences. Through taking risks, we learn how to solve problems, and also how to deal effectively with disappointment and failure. When we have learned these skills, our experiences with life are successful, producing confidence that we can rely on ourselves to experiment, to solve new problems we encounter, and to comfort our disappointment and correct our mistakes. When we know these things, we know we can take care of ourselves.

Frightened, insecure children, on the other hand, are dependent on the adults around them. Their world is too insecure to risk, and they look to others to solve their problems and care for their feelings. Being unaware of your motives, feelings, wants and internal dialogue leaves you out of control, unable to figure out how to satisfy yourself. It is, indeed as though you don't own your life, as though someone else must run it.

A solid sense of self means knowing your sensitivity and capacity, being realistic about it, and acting accordingly. To possess our own lives is the work taught in The Real 13th Step.

Excerpted from: The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs   

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance asks: Are you addicted to your smart phone?

Recently, clients have been coming to Dr. Romance with questions about their cell phone use: either it is creating a problem in a relationship, or with getting work done, or even health problems.  Here's how to tell if you have cell phone addiction; and what to do about it.

Addiction/Compulsion is defined by how much it interferes with your life. If you can't control your use, it's important to get treatment for the addiction, even if it's your smart phone. When the level of your phone use means you neglect or have problems with your family, your social life, your health, you are likely to be addicted. If your family constantly complains that you're on the phone too much, or you don't get out for social events or to exercise, your smart phone use is excessive, and probably addictive.

The difference between a healthy phone use vs. addiction is that healthy smart phone use can be controlled. If Wi-Fi, smartphone or charging station is unavailable, it is disappointing but not devastating. When addicted, the phone user feels desperate to have his or her phone outlet, no matter the cost.

Ask yourself these questions to determine if you might be addicted to your smart phone and neglecting other aspects of your life:
Can I set reasonable limits on my phone time?
Am I on the phone long hours for no extra pay or non-work reasons?
Do I have some time for exercise?
Do I get enough sleep?
Do I have time for family and friends?
Am I endangering myself by texting while driving or in other perilous situations?
Am I ruining my relationships by compulsively sexting?
Am I unable to commit to a relationship because I’m constantly using an app like eHarmony, Zoosk, Match.com or EliteSingles?

Realize that the often sedentary nature of phone addiction means if you spend too long at it without breaks, you’ll damage your body and be at risk for repetitive stress injuries (carpal tunnel) and the isolation is also bad for your health. Some of the problems such as slouching over the phone for hours, which strains the neck and back muscles; eyestrain, blurred vision, dizziness, and dry eyes caused by squinting; headaches and even migraines. Another health effect is finger cramping and sore hand muscles that come from continuous scrolling, texting, and gaming on smartphones. Which can cause inflammation in tendons, and possibly lead to tendinitis and carpal tunnel syndrome. People have also experienced phantom smartphone vibrations when their phones were not actually vibrating or not even in their pockets.

To overcome smart phone addictions, find a Twelve-step program like Internet & Tech Addicts Anonymous (ITAA) www.netaddictionanon.org/.  Therapy, in conjunction with a Twelve-Step program, can be very helpful, not only in overcoming your smart phone addiction, but also in healing your underlying motivators, the relationships that have been damaged, and even your success at work.

The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs (Digital Parchment) Offers powerful help in recovering from smart phone or other addiction  Available on Kindle for your smart phone.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on The Colors of You

Dr Romance writes:

As life develops, many of us have an urge to focus on the deeper issues: our dreams and goals, and our emotional and spiritual development.  When this happens, life gradually becomes more about meaning and satisfaction and less about obligations and accomplishments.  As you mature, you can focus on living the life you always wanted to live, tempered by the wisdom you have gained through your experiences. Up to this point, your life may have been centered around other peoples’ wants, and  the demands of work, home and family, and while those  responsibilities continue, this is the time to bring your personal dreams into reality.   It’s time to consider what you want to do for yourself.

You have learned many things about yourself throughout your life.  You know how you deal with success, with work, with financial decisions, with family, friends and with your relationships.  But how much attention have you paid to your relationship with yourself?  To make your dreams come true, you must turn within to discover what will make you happy.

To me, this deeper look at life is like moving from black and white to color: as when Dorothy steps out of the house after the tornado, and finds she’s in Munchkinland.  Suddenly, everything is brighter, more beautiful, and even a little strange.

This new palette of more colors, deeper responses to life, and more intimate knowledge of yourself gives you an opportunity to re-create yourself, to  be and do all the things you’ve always dreamed of.  If you allow yourself to dream, to aspire, you will begin to plan, and once you have a plan, you can begin taking steps to make it real.  Using our limited time on the planet for a purpose: to create something that is unique, special, and feels good to us is both exciting and satisfying.

Whether you've always wanted to heal the planet or just have time to walk in the woods, you don’t have to wait to do it.  You don't have forever on this planet, and you need to take advantage of your energy, wisdom, enthusiasm and vitality while you still have them.  Perhaps you want to learn to live more simply, or to get politically active; whatever your dream, simple or complex, if you allow it to emerge, you can find the strength and skills to actualize it.

As a child in Sunday School, you may have been taught “What I am is God’s gift to me, what I become is my Gift to God.” Think of yourself and your life as a gift you are giving.  As a result of your life experience you have become a marvelous package of talents and skills: these talents and skills are your gift. The skills you already possess may be enough to actualize your dream, and make the changes you want to make.  Learning to think positively about who you are, and therefore make the best of each of your traits and talents, will enable you to operate at your most powerful, and to be truly satisfied with the results.  Your talents, skills and wisdom are some of the many colors of you.

You may have always thought you were too quiet, or too talkative, too aggressive or too passive-- but what happens if you reevaluate “too quiet” to mean that you’re a good listener, or “too talkative” to mean you are an excellent communicator?  Traits you perceive as too aggressive can be considered leadership qualities, and “too passive” traits can mean you’re an excellent support or follow-up person.  When you think of personality traits as distinct colors in a palette you realize that each of the colors can be useful in the right circumstance.  Your favorite color may be blue, your least favorite orange, but you’ll find you can’t paint the sunset over the ocean without both.  You can stop looking at your character traits as “good “ or “bad,” but begin to evaluate them as tools you can use, or different colors for painting.  Now is the time to discover the colors of your own personal palette. From The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: Your Internal Weather System

Dr. Romance writes: The minute the weather gets a little hotter or colder or even foggier than usual, people in Southern California love to complain.  You could almost say we’re so used to mild conditions that we become afraid of what others would call “real” weather – we've become weather wimps. But there's another kind of weather that many people everywhere are wimpy about:  Internal weather.

Being afraid, ashamed of, or embarrassed by your feelings is like being afraid of the weather, because emotions (tears, panic attacks, angry outbursts, withdrawal, depression, elation, lust, romantic excitement, euphoria) are the weather conditions of the inner self.

Certainly there are weather conditions that are fearsome, such as hurricanes, earthquakes, floods, exploding volcanoes and fierce fires, and we need to control these if we can, and protect ourselves from them. But, like the weather, most emotional climate conditions are pretty mild. My clients have found it very helpful to use the metaphors of weather to understand how natural and normal all feelings are. Here are my thoughts on the basics of emotional weather. I’d love to hear your ideas and reactions.

Sunshine

Your smile lights up your face the way the sun lights our day. Smiles can come from behind clouds or after emotional storms. The smile signals that all is well, pressure is equalized and the coast is clear to be out and open and have some fun.

Rain

Like rain, tears can be stormy or just a light sprinkle, and feel angry, cold, dreary and sad, or even come through the sunshine. Rain often follows a change of weather pressure, and tears can be the result of release of inner tension. People frequently cry from relief that they've been heard or that they can see a solution where there appeared to be a problem. Those who suffer from a trauma or a loss normally cry a little after the first shock of finding out, as the awful pressure of the news is absorbed and the grief sets in. Rain first carries with it the dust suspended in the air, and then washes everything clean as it continues. Emotional rain, too, can first be painful, and then begin to bring release and clarity. A "good cry" is one that really lets go of the held feelings and continues until relief sets in.

Rainbows

When you allow the tears to flow until your natural smile returns, you will feel hopeful again -- hope is the rainbow of our internal climate. Like a rainbow, hope doesn't exist until the conditions are right -- after there has been a disappointment, and the disappointment has been accepted completely enough to let the sun shine once more. That smile, coming thorough sadness, brings with it a renewed feeling of hope.

Storms

Sometimes reluctance to express unhappiness or discomfort builds pressure that eventually releases in a rush, like a storm. Violent storms shake things up, just as strong anger does. Anger that is allowed to get out of control is as destructive as a hurricane, but anger that is expressed in healthy ways can "clear the air" just as a storm does. The aftermath of a healthy, not too violent storm allows us to appreciate the pleasures of calmness.

Cloudiness and fog

Emotionally, things are not always very clear. It’s normal to feel foggy and unsure, or depressed and dark from time to time. If you can remember it's just your emotional climate, and explore it to discover the cause, the fog will lift, the clouds will part, it may rain or storm a little, but the sun will eventually come out again. Normal depression that is not allowed to take its natural course, not opened up to let the fresh air in, can turn into emotional smog, or internal pollution.

Smog

Emotional smog, like the weather kind, is just the normal cloudy/foggy conditions with man-made junk added. We call it clinical depression. Everyone is down from time to time, but those who attack themselves when down, or have others around who pollute their internal atmosphere with criticism or shaming, become smog-bound, and can't clear up their internal atmosphere. Letting in the fresh air of interest and the warmth of emotional support allows the fog to lift, and the sun to come out again.

Internal Weather Report

If you try paying the same amount of daily attention to your internal conditions as you probably do to the weather report, and begin to regard your feelings as naturally as weather, you'll become much more emotionally comfortable. Like weather, your feelings are easier to accept and live with when you manage them, respond to them and don't try to resist them or deny them. If you understand your feelings as weather, you can have many lovely inner days.

Your sixth sense

Human attributes, we are taught, include five senses: sight, sound, taste, touch and smell. Only in science fiction do we read about a sixth sense, which is usually depicted as a psychic sense. If you think about it, however, your emotions are your real “sixth sense.” Just like your other five senses, your emotions register data about the external world. With your sight, your eyes take in data about colors, shapes and relative sizes of the things in the world around us. Touch tells us how things feel, how warm, cold, soft, hard, sharp or smooth they are. Your emotions tell you what others’ feelings are. We can sense, in an almost psychic way, how someone feels at a distance, without being told.

By comparing what our other senses tell us about others (smiles, frowns, tension, “prickly vibes,” relaxed breathing and an indescribable type of data we call empathy) with what we know about our own inner feelings, we draw conclusions about what other people are feeling. Without being told, we know when someone is angry, when someone has strong positive or negative feelings toward us, and when we are loved. With conscientious practice, people can improve their use of senses, such as being a wine taster, reading braille, refining your sense of color as an artist, or learning to tell different fabrics by texture. Certain people, such as psychotherapists and actors, practice and refine emotions until they can sense very small changes.

As a psychotherapist, I “read” my clients’ emotions and give them feedback to help them sort out emotional confusion. “You say you’re fine, but you appear to be angry,” I might say to someone who is disconnected from his feelings.

Sight is an external sense – we only see what’s outside us. Touch, however, is both internal and external. We can feel food go down our gullet, on occasion we can feel our own heartbeat, and we can feel muscle cramps and movement from inside the body.

Emotions are a sense that is simultaneously internal and external. To our emotions, it’s as if there’s no limit to our bodies, and our skin is transparent. We feel our feelings on the inside, and yet they reach out and touch people and tell us what they’re feeling, too. It is a type of psychic sense, especially to people who develop it. Just as your sight helps you navigate the roads, avoid obstacles, and choose the best route, your emotions are the sense that help you navigate the paths of relationships. If you are knowledgeable about your feelings, and your sensitivity to others’ feelings, you can be much more effective in all your relationships, maximizing your love, your intimacy, your emotional well-being, and your happiness.

Practicing emotion

You can refine and sensitize yourself to your feelings by “tracking” what you are feeling on a daily basis: Just stop a few times each day and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” Once you get comfortable with that, you can spend some time people watching, and guess what they might be feeling. You won’t know if you’ve guessed right unless you ask, but just practicing paying attention will sharpen your skills. (from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction ) © 2015 Tina B. Tessina

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on The State of the Union Meeting

Dr Romance recommends couples increase their mutual respect and appreciation by having a regular "State of the Union" meeting. Here are two simple techniques you can use in all kinds of relationships: couples, families, even work partners and friends, to enhance your cooperation, tolerance and rationality, and to defuse conflict as soon as it arises.

Whether you are single, dating, married or have a family of your own, having a regular weekly meeting date to discuss the state of the relationship will make a tremendous difference in the emotional tenor of the relationship. If you’re blending a family from previous situations, you’ll find it makes a huge difference in your success.

When you have a regular chance to talk about what’s going on in the relationship, problems, resentment and frustration don’t get a chance to build. If you have children, every member of your family has a right to have his or her opinions respected. You don’t have to agree or go along with what your child or spouse wants, but you should at least know what it is, and your child should know why you’re overriding his or her preferences. Regular couple or family meetings, where everyone including the children expresses feelings, negative and positive, and all of you work together to solve problems, can help a lot.

Begin couple or family meetings as early in the relationship as possible, whether you think you have any issues to discuss or not. If you set a pattern of doing this early in a relationship, it will be easy to expand the group to include children if you have them. For relationships and families that are already established, it might feel a bit awkward to begin the meetings at first, but if you follow the steps below, everyone will soon experience the value of having an appropriate time and place to talk about issues and plans. Once everyone becomes familiar with the process, the formality of the meeting will relax, problems will be minor, and the couple or whole family can use the time for bonding, sharing stories and experiences, and creating quality time together.

Sit down on a weekly basis with your partner or family, and discuss everything about your relationship, positive and problematic, and how it’s going for each of you. If you have small children, include them and get their input, also. Choose a time when everyone can get together weekly, and suggest to everyone that you order pizza, or cook something together.

Begin the session with a brief prayer or blessing, and a round of complements, where each member gives a complement to every other member ‘ this creates a positive atmosphere.

At the meeting, each person present can follow these steps:

1. Gratitude: Each person states a positive thing about each person in the family, preferably something that has happened this week. For example, "I really appreciate how much you helped me this week when you knew I had a deadline at work." Or, "I noticed that you made a big effort to keep the kitchen clean." Or, "Thank you for your sense of humor. It really helps when you make me laugh when I’m getting too serious." Be sure to thank the person after praising them. If you follow a religious tradition, you can open the meeting by giving thanks in the manner of your faith.

2. Improvements: Each person then mentions one thing they want to improve, and what they want to do to make it better. Small children will need help until they understand, but they will catch on quickly. Even you and one child can do this. The rule is that, in order to bring up a complaint, you must have a suggestion for a solution, even if you don’t think it’s the best possible solution.

3. Problem Solving: If anyone has a problem to solve, he or she can describes it, and then asks for help from the group to solve it. Everyone can work together to come up with a solution. Be careful not to allow the description of the problem to deteriorate into criticism and complaining. To state a problem use matter_of_fact terms, and use I messages: "I get discouraged and frustrated when the house gets messy." "We need to come up with some money to fix the car." "I have a problem at school." "I need help figuring out how not to fight with Susie anymore".

This simple meeting will do more for the state of your intimate or family relationship than you can imagine. If you deal with them early, and approach them with a team spirit of solving them together, most problems can be solved before they become disasters.

These meetings will accomplish a great deal, and can change the nature of what I call your ‘relationship reservoir:’ Every relationship (including family, friends and parent/child relationships) has what I call the "relationship reservoir." 

Every relationship (including those with family, friends and between parents and children) has what I call the "relationship reservoir". Over the course of your relationship, the interaction between you ‘ every kind or unkind word, every gesture of support or criticism, every honest or dishonest interaction between you, every gesture of affection or coldness, add up over the time you spend together.

If you fill your reservoir with good feelings, forgiveness, support, honesty, appreciation, caring, affection, emotional intimacy (and sexual intimacy where appropriate,) you build up a backlog of good will and affection ‘ your memories will be warm and mutually admiring.

If you fill it with coldness, criticism, ingratitude, dishonesty, demands, and dissatisfaction, you’ll have a reservoir of resentment and disdain.

Each time your relationship makes demands on you as a result of major problems, separations, disagreements, illnesses, and stress, you will draw on your relationship reservoir. If you have built up a supply of good feelings and goodwill with your daily interaction, you’ll cheerfully give what’s asked of you. If not, whatever’s asked will seem like too much to give.

I wish you a reservoir overflowing with warmth and good feelings – the true guarantee of a lasting relationship.

These tips are from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Coping with Critics

 

Dr. Romance writes:

No one likes to be criticized, fairly or not.  It’s always difficult to deal with, and it can hurt.  Because I’m a writer of books and columns, and because I’ve lectured, appeared on radio and TV, I am sometimes recognized in public.  I’m glad I’m not more recognizable, for along with the lovely feedback, gratitude and complements I get from many people, others feel compelled to criticize, often in a mean way, and often without having even read whatever book or column they’re criticizing. So,  I’ve been forced to learn to deal with negative comments, even when they’re mean-spirited, and intended to hurt me.  Because we all get criticized from time to time,  you may find the following ideas helpful.

 

Whether criticism is intended to be helpful or harmful, you can use it positively.  Evaluate the critic: is it a good friend, a kind person, a mentor?  Criticism from any of these is likely to be constructive, and you can probably trust it and learn from it.  Is the criticism from a competitive rival?  Then use its mirror image: it's probably something powerful about you that threatens the rival.  Is it from a lover or intimate person?  Then it can hurt a lot, because intimates know where your soft spots are; and they often project their own fears onto you.  Whatever the source of the criticism, ignore it for a few hours or a day, until the sting has subsided, and then evaluate its usefulness to you.  If a trusted mentor is offering constructive criticism, it may be a great gift to you, once you have absorbed it.  Stretch yourself a bit, and look at the comment from an objective viewpoint, and see how much truth you think it holds.  Above all, be true to yourself, and know that your own good opinion of yourself is most valuable if it is based on truth.

 

There are a few things you can do to help the criticism "roll off your back."  First, use a sense of humor:  if you can come up with a clever funny remark that diffuses the criticism, that is always the most effective way to disarm it.  Second, give an "adult time out" to anyone who is negative and critical:  emotionally retreat into politeness.  Be very pleasant, but distant: say "Yes, please" "No, thank you" and respond politely to any request, but don't share any personal information.  This usually causes a negative person to snap out of it. Third, ignore any negative thing that is said:  just treat it as if it didn't happen.  In this way, you don't reward it, and the other person will eventually stop.

 

Don't try to motivate yourself with criticism.   You can be self-critical because you don't realize the consequences. If you're critical of a friend or loved one, they will be angry at you, and perhaps leave, but most of us don't realize how self-critical we are, and how much it damages our lives, so we continue to harp on ourselves.  Also, if you were around a parent who was very critical when you were a child, it will feel "normal" to you, and you won't realize how it really sounds.   Self-criticism damages your quality of life in several ways: it eats away at your self-esteem, which can make you needy in relationships and keep others from getting close. It also leads to excess spending, drinking, eating, etc. in an attempt to feel better.

 

Overpowering yourself with internal criticism or external coercion makes you feel oppressed and rebellious.  The intimidation and pressure eventually leads to paralysis and procrastination. In my experience with myself and my clients,  the only kind of motivation that works permanently grows out of celebration and appreciation. It's easy to remember in equation form: celebration + appreciation = motivation   When you find a way to appreciate yourself for what you've already accomplished, and to celebrate your previous successes, you will find you are naturally motivated to accomplish more.  No struggle, no hassle: you accomplish out of the pure joy of success!

 

Guidelines for learning self-appreciation

To become proficient in self-appreciation, try the following suggestions:

 

            Make a note: Write positive comments on your daily calendar to yourself for jobs well done or any achievements you want to celebrate.  Or you can paste stickers on your daily calendar as you accomplish goals daily  frequent positive commentary  is a very effective way to reward yourself and remind yourself of your success.

 

            Look to your childhood: Use activities that felt like a celebration in your childhood: did your family toast a celebration  with champagne or sparkling cider, a gathering of friends, or a thankful prayer? Create a celebration environment: use balloons, music, flowers, candles, or set your  table with the best china. Use the exercise on your family style in chapter two to find ideas.

 

            Visible reminders: Surround yourself with visible evidence of your successes. Plant a commemorative rosebush or get a new houseplant to mark a job well done, or display photos of fun events, and sports or hobby trophies.  It's a constant reminder that you appreciate yourself and when you see them daily, you'll feel the appreciation.

 

            Reward yourself:  A new trashy romance novel or detective thriller can be a great reward/celebration for reading your required technical books.

 

             Party!: Celebrate a cherished friendship with an impromptu lunchtime picnic and a balloon. Or with tickets to a ball game. (adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction)

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance: Into Each Life

Dr. Romance writes:

As a parade went by, one of the horses pulling a float entry left a memento in the middle of the road right in front of where we were watching from the sidewalk. From that point on, every band or group that came marching down the road marched bravely on, right through the pile of horse manure. The image struck a chord in me, one that the band was not intentionally playing.

The parade of life does not always go smoothly. Any one of us can be marching along, happily playing our tune, and suddenly be faced with a little mess which is not of our making. Friends can be unkind, intentionally or not, and, as Robert Burns wrote "The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men /Gang aft agley." Those of us who can keep focused on the goal, and march right through, deserve applause.

My mentor, Rev. Denton Roberts often said "You are not responsible for what happens to you, but for your response to it." In other words, you don’t need to feel guilty for problems in your life, but it’s important that you deal with them. When there’s a messy pile in your road, after you get through it, it’s valuable to consider how it got there, what to do about it and how to make sure you don't participate in the creation of new ones. Rather than just dwell on the problem, move your focus to the solution.

Recently, as I was talking to a client, the metaphor of walking through the "road apples" of life came up again. There's no doubt about it, we're going to encounter unpleasant obstacles in our path from time to time. Just because we have to walk through it, doesn't mean it's our fault it's there --but, it is our responsibility to clean off our shoes as soon as we can, and do whatever we can (like getting the parade committee to put a bag under the horse’s butt) to make sure we don't go through it again.

Above all, it's important to remember it's only a little pile. It has an end, it's temporary, and we'll probably survive it. Blaming ourselves or someone else never helped anyone get through it faster, it only makes the slogging more unpleasant. There is nothing to stop us from playing "Hey, Look Me Over" at maximum lung power all the way through. On the other hand, ignoring it won't make it go away, either. Somewhere in there is a fine balance, between letting go and taking responsibility. Pretending that all is well, and the problem is non-existent, or pretending that we don't need the rest of society, or that critical, difficult or angry people will go away by themselves, is foolhardy. Staying in isolation, so we don't encounter hassles, means we’ll miss the parade. When there’s a problem we must slog through it, and then scrape the leavings off our shoes. Like it or not, we must take responsibility for turning our experience around. This means minimizing reaction and maximizing effectiveness. Taking an objective look at where we become part of the problem and where we succeed are part of the solution makes a critical difference in how life goes on.

On the other hand, self-flagellation and blaming won't get us anywhere either. The key really is respect. To have respect for ourselves is the key to getting others to follow suit. I do believe that loving ourselves is the key. I believe that people who love and accept themselves will naturally do what is necessary to create a positive life, From there, it only takes being willing to project it to others.

Redemption

Life is not always easy
It hums along, sweet and low-key
And then the tsunami – real or imagined,
Wipes our smug snugness away.

Devastated by loss, we weep,
We gnash teeth, we grieve, we’re angry

At God, at life, at lack of control.
We regain calm, then lose it, lose it, lose it.
Slowly, slowly, normalcy returns,
Creeping back in like the daily tide.

The dawning of another day, bereft of the old,
But blessed with the new,
First shows itself in the smiling eyes
Of dear friends, still here, still offering love.

Life, after all, is worthwhile
And love and gratitude trump grief.

I wish you minimal piles to slog through, and the patience and courage to keep playing your own special song. © 2022 Tina B. Tessina

From It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance on You Be The Judge

Dr. Romance writes:

In my therapy practice, I witness a lot of confusion about the proper role of judgement in life and relationships. Often, when I ask clients to analyze whether a person they’re dating has good character, they tell me they don’t want to be judgmental. People in twelve step programs say they don’t want to "take the other person’s inventory." But being judgmental (that is, critical of what others do, what they weigh, how they dress, their education, financial status or ethnic background) is not the same as having judgement or discernment about the character of people who are about to become deeply involved in your life.

Far too many of the relationship disasters that cause clients to come and see me are caused by poor judgement about people. Somehow, clients seem to have taken way too seriously the idea that we aren’t supposed to think badly of people. Instead of using good judgement about whether to allow someone in their lives, they make excuses and feel responsible. Recently, I was talking to a client whose boyfriend has been brutal to her. She would like to move on, but she feels she has to take care of him. A male client has been enduring bad behavior and temper tantrums on the part of his lady friend for years, and still wonders if he can make the relationship work. These cases, and many more like them, require more realistic thinking, evaluation, and yes, judgment, of whether the other person is a good candidate as a partner for building a life and a relationship.

If you want to do rescue work, get a license as a nurse, social worker, emergency medical technician or volunteer to help those who need it. If you do, you’ll find out that these workers are compassionate, yes, but also tough. They see exactly what they’re dealing with, and they do what’s necessary to really help, not to prolong the problem, or bring them into their personal lives. They, too have to use judgement.

Love has a much better chance to be realized if you make some of your choices mentally, as well as by emotional attachment and chemistry. Choose commitments both with the "parent" or judgmental, evaluating, critical thinking method; and the "child" or romantic, turned on, chemistry method. I call this choosing from the neck up, as well as from the neck down. You’ll use better judgment if you think of matchmaking for yourself. You can think like a matchmaker (or a hard-to-please parent), when considering commitment. The dictionary defines judgment as "the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing." Take time out from your excitement and evaluate your match, using the components of judgement: think, observe, evaluate, ask, remember, experiment, speculate and empathize.

* Make sure you’re thinking and not just feeling: don’t let your emotions overrule your careful consideration of whether this is working.* Observe the other person, how you are together, what’s working, what’s not. Pay attention! You’re deciding your future happiness, and you have to gather the facts to make the decision.

* Ask questions out loud, don’t just guess at your partner’s motivation and feelings. The two of you need to be able to discuss your thoughts, feelings, and ideas about the relationship and the partnership decisions you’ll be making. Both of you must be able to listen to each other, and not just react.

* Take some time to evaluate what’s happening in the relationship, does it feel like you’re creating a good future together?

* Remember what’s happened, the good and the bad: don’t gloss over abuse, irresponsible behavior or disrespect. If you think any of those are happening, you must discuss it, and if it doesn’t change, it’s time to leave. Remembering the good things will help you have a balanced idea of the overall value of the relationship.

* Experiment with problem-solving, working through situations where you disagree, trying new things you haven’t done together.

* Speculate, by yourself and together, about how you’d handle some of the situations you’ll face in the future, such as child rearing, finances, illness, big job changes.

* Empathize by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, not just to make excuses, but to really understand what may be going on.

Selecting a partner who is really capable of loving and being responsible in the relationship is more than half the battle. Choosing an immature, irresponsible partner may mean that, no matter what you do, the relationship won’t work. Using judgment, rather than being judgmental, and thinking with your head and not just your heart will help you make a good choice of partner – and there’s nothing more fulfilling than a life of successful partnership and cooperation.

(Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction)

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Grief: From Surviving to Thriving

Dr. Romance has had many clients who are grieving, and wrote this to help. 

None of us wants to think about it, but the standard definition of a totally successful relationship is the old, traditional "til death do us part." Any time we love, whether it’s a life partner, a dear friend, a child, a sibling, a parent or even a beloved pet, we are risking the loss of that love.

When you're happy with someone, you often don't think about your happiness or even fully realize it. You may take your contentment for granted. You watch couples around you struggle, or even go through your own struggles, and realize you’re lucky to have a successful partnership, but you don’t dwell on it. Then comes the tragic event, and the world turns upside-down.

If it's a long illness, the support system your partner used to be is gone, and you are required to be the support system.  Depending on the length of an illness, you may begin to grieve as your partner declines. All the little things you took for granted become crystal clear in their absence.  If the death is sudden (i.e. auto accident, brain aneurism) you go into shock at first.  Either way, you must go through the necessary awfulness -- identifying the body, making funeral arrangements, notifying people, comforting relatives, friends and children and the memorial itself – like a robot, mostly without feeling.   

It isn't until weeks or months after the burial that you really get to experience.....Grief. Grief is an organic process, it has its own wisdom, and it needs a witness. An understanding friend may be able to listen and be with you, and that is very healing. There is nothing you can do to make such a tragedy less tragic, so the grief, anger and frustration that you feel are normal reactions to the circumstances. Slowly, you go through the stages of grief: shock, anger, seeking, depression and peace. It's normal to feel fear that this might happen again, rage that it happened at all, a need for prayer and comfort, bouts of being overwhelmed and thinking you can't go on, and, finally, acceptance and understanding that this devastating event is a part of the risky life we humans all live. These feelings will come jumbled up, they'll recycle, and come in different order. As the shock wears off, and the permanence of the loss sets in, many feelings emerge:  Some people may feel a bit relieved, some will be angry, some will pray or question God, and others just feel exhausted, disconnected, and overwhelmed . This jumble of feelings includes the anger, seeking and depression phases.

To help you sort them out, here are some possibilities

* If you feel inspired to do something hopeful (for example, setting up a memorial fund, or praying, giving blood, writing letters), do it.

* If you feel discouraged, just feel it; it will pass, and it may indicate that you need a rest.

* If you feel like laughing, don't worry about it: it's a good way to manage tragedy. It often signifies the beginning of healing.

* If you feel angry, remember anger is the underside of love -- it's an expression of the value you attach to the life lost, and very appropriate. But it, too, will come and go and fade with time.

* If you are afraid, of course you are. We are all programmed to want to live, and being so heavily confronted with the fragility of life is terrifying. Yes, it could have been you, it will eventually be you, but we humans are resilient, and the fear, too will pass.

* If you feel hopeless, it is because you are realizing that life is not in your own control. This is when faith and a belief in a higher purpose to life is very helpful. If you haven't discovered a belief in higher purpose, then this would be a good time to search. Talk to clergy, read philosophy, meditate, pray, even get your fortune told. All these methods of attempting to understand the ineffable are imperfect, but they all can help.

* If you need support for your own struggle with these issues, gather friends, family and neighbors around you. We never need each other more than at times like this. We need to feel a part of a larger, safer group. Although you may want solitude from time to time, to get your thoughts together, be careful not to get too isolated

Getting through the jumble of feelings that is the grief process will take at least a year, perhaps several. The first year is the hardest, because you encounter special days, birthdays, holidays and anniversaries all around the calendar. Once you've survived each of these once, it gets a little easier. Eventually you will have survived and healed, and be willing to take another chance. The promise of happiness is strong enough that the risk is worth it. You'll probably experience some guilt, but know that if your former partner loved you, she or he would want you to be happy. This new relationship will feel even more precious than the previous one, because you'll know that it isn't here forever. You'll have a feeling of gratitude toward your previous partner, for the love you shared and what it taught you that makes it possible to have this new love.

I have also created an online course: Grief: What it is, Why we have it, and How to get through it 

Article adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Living Outside the Box

Dr. Romance writes:

I was speaking with a client today about his burn-out in his career.  This is a man who’s been very successful, earned a lot of money, and worked hard for a big, national corporation.  I told him he was burned-out, and on strike, because he had put himself in a box about work.  The box consisted of four walls:                                                                  

Wall #1: I have to make $$$$ amount of money

Wall #2: I have to work for a certain kind of company

Wall #3: I’m scared about letting myself be creative (the unknown)

Wall #4: I hate all of it. 

When he put up these walls, he was out of options, and stuck in a terrible place.  If he could take down even one of the walls, he could let himself out of the box. 

Later in the afternoon, I was speaking with another client about relationships. He wanted to figure out what ‘box’ (his word) a person in his life would fit in – lover, friend, etc.  I told him that he couldn’t put another person in a box – the only one he could put in a box was himself– what he was willing to do in the relationship, and what he wasn’t willing to do. And then make sure he set those boundaries for himself and lived up to it.                                                           

I frequently see people who are unhappy in their relationships, and feel too stuck to do anything about it.  Their boxes usually consist of the following walls:

Wall #1: I’m very unhappy, but I can’t do anything about it

Wall #2: I have to keep this relationship, I won’t find another.

Wall #3: I can’t tell my partner what’s wrong, because he or she would be angry/hurt.

Wall #4: I can’t change what I’m doing without my partner’s consent. 

Again, looking at the imaginary walls that have you trapped, and letting down even one wall can give you the power you need to make changes, improve your relationship and create a happier life. 

There are many possible boxes you can encounter in life.  It’s easy to get locked in by shoulds, have-to’s, can’ts and won’ts to the point that you can’t move at all.  We can get stuck in work boxes, family boxes, relationship boxes and health boxes.  Other people can try to put us in boxes.  Boxes are traps constructed of imaginary walls – prohibitions we believe are real, but turn out to be false when examined.

How do you tell if you’re in a box? 

*When you’re boxed in, you’ll feel discouraged and hopeless (people often mistake this for depression,) frustrated, blocked and angry. 

*You may shut down and not be able to get yourself to do things you know would be good for you like take care of your health, be loving toward your partner or family, or be motivated in your career. 

*You may feel cranky and out of sorts, and find yourself pushing friends and family away. 

*The pain of being boxed in can also bring on addiction symptoms – drinking too much, overeating, overspending, or a drug habit. 

What can you do about it?

When one of my clients feels very stressed, stuck and down, I usually suspect they’ve gotten themselves into a box.  After they talk for a while, I can frequently hear them delineate the walls that have them trapped.  When you find yourself feeling trapped and discouraged, you can get out of it by following these steps:

1. Realize that you’ve mentally boxed yourself in with a series of restrictions that feel real, but are actually fiction masquerading as fact.

2. Become aware of the negative messages you’re telling yourself: If you’re telling yourself things like: “It’s too scary” “I can’t do that because....”  “I’m not worth it” “I can’t handle that” “it won’t work;” you’re building and reinforcing walls.

 3. Challenge at least one of the walls.  Create affirmations – positive statements you repeat to yourself to counter negative thoughts – by using a negative thought and turning it around.  “It’s too scary” becomes “I am not afraid.”  “Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude”  will show you more ways to do it.

 4. Take a step outside the box.  Once you see what the mental walls of your box are, and challenge them, you’ll be freed up to try something new, and get out of the box. 

5. Celebrate your accomplishment to create motivation for taking more steps to happiness.

Once you understand that your box is not as real as it feels, you can make your way to a happier life.  May all your dreams come true.

 

Adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction                         

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

 

The Good Boss and the Bad Boss: Motivation and How to Create It

Dr. Romance writes:

Many of my clients have come in complaining of a lack of motivation; from not being motivated enough on the job, to not being able to diet, quit smoking, or get out of bed in the morning. They desire to achieve both positive and negative motivations — positive motivations and being motivations toward doing something; negative motivations being toward NOT doing something (not smoking, for example). Almost invariably, the method they have tried before (unsuccessfully) has been to beat themselves into it. This happens through a negative inner dialog, such as: “You lazy person, you’ll never get anywhere;” “you have to do this whether you like it or not;” or “no one will ever love you until you do.” Sometimes, they have tried bribing or persuading themselves, which works for a while, but fails sooner or later. Sometimes, they have gotten another person to push them around, such as a motivational group, hypnosis, a parent or parent substitute, who will insist that they have to behave.

This third option works quite well for some people for a long time. However, the nature of this persuasion is to overpower the client’s natural process, and the people who come to me come because they have rebelled against the authority of that person or group, and find that now they can’t do what they would like to because of their rebellion! The truth is, that if we believe someone else is pushing us around, we are not likely to respond cooperatively. Especially when the “pushy person” is oneself!!! The fact is, no matter how nasty and angry these people get with themselves, they cannot get motivated. Together, my clients and I have had tremendous, verifiable success with these problems, and every client who has worked with me has succeeded in getting motivated, both “negative motivation” and “positive motivation”.

The reason for such success is that creating motivation is easy. I maintain that motivation grows out of celebration and appreciation. I like to state it in equation form: celebration + appreciation = motivation By this I mean that if you can find a way to appreciate yourself for what you’ve already accomplished, and to celebrate your previous successes (and believe em, you CAN find a way), you will find you are “magically” motivated to accomplish more. No struggle, no hassle -- you accomplish out of the pure fun of success! To illustrate what I mean, I will describe two possible employers. The “bad boss” and the “good boss”.

The Bad Boss
●Operates through intimidation and criticism...
●Always complains; never praises (you only know you’re doing OK because the boss says nothing)
●Gets nasty if you make a mistake
●Humiliates you in front of others
●Never thinks you’ve done enough
●Assumes you are lazy and dishonest
●Changes the rules arbitrarily
●Is never satisfied of pleased

The Good Boss
●Praises Frequently
●Always lets you know when you’re doing well
●Asks you what you need whenever you’ve made a mistake;
●Is very helpful
●Is concerned about your well-being as well as your productivity
●Assumes you want to do a good job
●Helps you feel like part of the team
●Treats you as a valued human being
●Is clear about the duties expected of you.

Both of these bosses have the same goal: to get the job done. However, there is a big difference in the success of their individual management styles. Think about your probable reaction to the two styles of management.

The bad boss’s office is characterized by tension and anger. People work only to keep the boss off their backs, and consequently goof-off whenever he/she is not around. They are not efficient, because they are not motivated to accomplish anything, merely to avoid the boss’s anger. They are operating in a mental state we call “adaptation”, which is focused on keeping someone (usually someone angry or nasty) off their backs. They have little loyalty to anything but their paychecks, and perhaps each other, as mistreated prisoners are loyal to each other when confronting the jailer. Offices whicha re characterized by inefficiency and disharmony. If this boss requires overtime, he/she encounters resistance. If you were working for this boss, how would you feel? Would you go to work happily each day? Would you volunteer for extra work? Would you look forward to each new assignment? Probably not. In short, you would not feel highly motivated, would you?

On the other hand, the employees of the good boss tend to care about themselves and their jobs. They feel proud of their accomplishments, and eager to learn more and accomplish more. If the boss is gone, the work still goes on, because people are in a mental state of motivation, and are being gratified by their sense of accomplishment. When this boss requests overtime, he/she will be met with a cooperative response.

Again, take a moment and picture yourself in this situation. How would you feel? Would you feel eager to please this boss? Would you look forward to his/her reaction to your latest work? Would you be willing to help out, if extra work were necessary? Most likely, you would--you would feel enthusiastic and motivated, looking forward to work each day. Notice the difference in your energy in the two situations. Which boss would you rather work for?

In the daily tasks and situations of our lives, we become our own bosses; whether we are aware of it or not. We have a choice about which kind of a boss we wish to be to ourselves. If you really want to be productive, you will choose to become the good boss to yourself. This means you learn to treat yourself with kindness and understanding, be very generous with praise, and gentle with corrections. Then you will accomplish your goals with a sense of pride and achievement, and a great deal of pleasure. You will feel motivated, and wonder why you never realized how easy it was. All of this can be accomplished through the two “magic motivators”: celebration and appreciation.

Most of us know how to appreciate others. However, when it comes to ourselves, we feel embarrassed and uncomfortable if we are too generous with praise. Years of being told not to brag or to be stuck up when we were young have taken their toll, and self-appreciation comes awkwardly. However, if motivation is a desirable trait, then self-appreciation becomes necessary and desirable too. The good news is that you can learn it. If you would like to learn self-appreciation and it is difficult for you, I recommend practicing in several ways. Many of my clients have found it fun to buy small gold foil star stickers (just like in grade school) and award them to themselves for jobs well done, or any achievements they wish to celebrate. Pasting the stars on a calendar daily can be very effective. Go ahead, award yourself lots! Other kinds of stickers are readily available. One of my clients rewarded herself for being successful in her eating program with small stickers representing jelly beans, chocolates and ice cream cones! She got her dessert in praise instead of calories.

Also, it can be effective to remember back to childhood parties and celebrations. One of my clients was told never to make noise because her grandmother was ill. However, she was allowed to play her accordion as loud as she wanted to when she practiced. To this day, playing her accordion feels like a celebration and a chance for her to sound off.

Early birthday parties or holiday outings that were special can also be tapped for ideas. If Mom always cooked a turkey for a big occasion, or set the table with the best china, or a bottle of champagne was served, then those ingredients can indicate celebration and accomplishment. Crepe paper streamers, banners, candles, balloons, flowers, special clothing (your fanciest shoes, a new hat) gatherings of friends, trophies, diplomas and awards can all indicate achievements worth celebrating. Try using one or two of these items on occasions for which you wish to generate motivation. If you are nervous on the first day of the new job, celebrate completing the day with sparkling apple juice or diet cola served in your best champagne flutes, and candles on the dinner table. Put a few gold stars on your calendar for getting through a difficult homework assignment. Buy your little girl a trophy engraved with her name for cleaning up her room for a whole month. There is no such thing as too much praise or celebration. Is there too much motivation? Of course not — the more the merrier. Fresh flowers on the table just to say how much you appreciate yourself can do a lot toward making you happier any day. A new trashy romance novel can be a great reward/celebration for reading your required technical books. The important point is that celebration of what you have accomplished already will create motivation to accomplish more.

Get creative with your celebrations, have fun. Celebrate a cherished friendship with an impromptu lunchtime picnic, and a balloon. Above all, have fun. That’s the objective! If you find yourself around someone who takes command and tells you what you should be doing, or comments unasked about how you are doing things wrong, or otherwise appoints him/herself as the boss in your life, you may find your newly-created motivation flagging. Remember to fire them as your boss. It’s your life, and you are doing whatever you are doing because you want to. You need to give no better reason to anyone but yourself. Once you have fired this self-appointed boss, then you may need to remind yourself of how much you have accomplished without that kind of help.

Celebrate your independence, your spirit, your willingness to be responsible for yourself. It is also possible to set up informative books, articles, television authorities, gurus, etc. up as your boss — in which case, you will again find your motivation flagging. These informational aids can be useful, but only if your keep them in perspective. Remember, the boss gets information about how to run things, gets educated, goes for help when necessary, BUT the boss is still in charge. The information is there for your use, but no expert, or therapist can know if the information is right for you. If you remember who the boss is, then you will use the information wisely and judiciously, rejecting whatever there is that does not suit your style or personality. You will use it to support and further your goals, and to aid in the celebration of your accomplishments. Whenever you find your motivation flagging, look around for how you are doing at being your boss. Are you using a motivational, supportive style? Have you let someone else take over your authority? Is there some appreciation you need? Take a few minutes with yourself every day just for appreciation. It’s easy, fun, and very effective. Dr. Romance wants you to live every day energized and motivated!!

(c)  2022 Tina B. Tessina Adapted from It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on 10 signs a guy is cheating on you

Dr. Romance writes:

Telling a guy you won't stand for cheating is a waste of time. Instead, be open and accepting, and encourage him to talk about his sexual exploits. If he's cheated before, he probably will cheat again.  The best protection against cheating is to have open and frank sexual talks: allow him to tell you when he's attracted to someone else. Don't freak out or get upset, he'll just hide it from you. An attraction you two can laugh about together, and incorporate into your own sex fantasy life, is a lot less threatening than one that's a secret. To find out if your man will cheat, you need to take the time to get to know him and get him to open up. To find out if he's cheated in the past ask him a playful question, like: What's the sneakiest thing you've ever done? 

With illicit affairs quite easily available online or at the office, it's often easier for a spouse who is dissatisfied with the relationship to transfer affection to someone else than to take the emotional risk of talking to a partner about dissatisfaction. While most marital dissatisfaction is not that hard to fix, and cheating is usually emotionally devastating for everyone, the cheater has an "instant gratification" mentality, and is just doing what feels good, and feeling unable to control it. He is not thinking of future problems (at least, when connecting with the other person) and is just masking emotional pain. I handle many of these situations, including working with the cheating spouse when the other partner doesn't know.

It's not easy to tell the difference between sex addiction and chronic cheating. The major difference has to do with reasons why. Classic addiction is out of control, compulsive behavior, usually motivated by trying to escape internal pain and turmoil. Is a cheater doing it to self-medicate with adrenaline, or is he just immature and narcissistic? It's easier to cure addiction than narcissism, although addiction can have a component of narcissism (which is stunted emotional growth) These are complicated, circuitous questions, and not easy to parse. It comes down to whether the lack of self control is willful or compulsive.

A man with lots of charm, who says exactly what you want to hear, may be dishonest and narcissistic. His braggadocio may conceal a very wounded soul, along with an alcohol, drug or gambling problem. He lacks impulse control, and a sense of responsibility, because he's a narcissist. That means that emotionally, he's stuck at the narcissistic stage children go through about 2 years old. So, you're dealing with an emotional two year old in a grownup body.

Here's how to tell if your man is cheating:

1. His habits change:
   Your guy, who was always home on time, is suddenly (or gradually) coming home later. Or, he stops answering his phone, spends more money, or dresses better. 
2. He brings 'guilt gifts': 
   A man who never thought of flowers has suddenly started bringing them home
3. Extra bills:
   Unidentifiable charges on his credit card are often the clue that catches him.
4. He stops talking about what he's doing at work:
   This may be a sign that he's keeping a secret
5. Uninterested in sex:
   If he's not interested in sex with you, he may be getting his needs met elsewhere.
6. Secrecy:
7. He doesn't want you to see his phone or computer, so he's probably hiding something.
   He's spending a lot more time online, and there's not a work or other reason.
8. Unreliability: 
   He used to be reliable about appointments and dates, but now he breaks appointments and makes excuses.
9. History of Cheating:
   He has a history of cheating in previous relationships. (Cheaters cheat. That's why it's inadvisable to marry someone who was cheating in an affair with you; when you're the spouse, you'll get cheated on.)
10. He's very demanding about sex:
    Men who feel entitled to sex any way they can get it, have a tendency to rationalize cheating, and just keep doing it.
11. Won't work on the relationship:
    He doesn't want to solve relationship problems with you: He doesn't need to learn to keep intimacy alive with the same person. These men get their jollies from illicit sex (cheating.)

Excerpted from  The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make after Forty

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance on The Right Way to Love

Dr. Romance writes:

There’s a pervasive myth in our society that there is a right and a wrong way to love. However, there’s not much clarity about what the right might be. We all have difficulty with relationships and difficulty with love. Therefore, we’re liable to draw the uncomfortable conclusion: “Everyone knows how to love correctly except me.”

This attitude leads to blaming, defensiveness, accusing and a general shutdown of any loving feelings. You may feel helpless, betrayed, incompetent, angry and lost. If you become defensive and withdraw from your beloved, things get worse.

There are actually as many ways of loving as there are people — and none of them is wrong. Some ways of loving work better than others. There are an infinite number of ways that work extremely well. This is good news, for it ends forever the fear that love can become boring, or that you can become bored with it. When looked at from this perspective, the object of relationships becomes to discover each other’s way of loving (love style), to learn the style of loving your partner uses and to teach him or her the joys of your own style. In this way, each relationship adds to your options for love. Each couple synthesizes a new love style out of the two they bring together; which is uniquely theirs and which can be restructured as their lifestyles change and grow.

Love

Each of you has your own unique experience with love, and must define it for yourself.

Each of us experiences love in many ways: romantic, practical, spiritual, familial, unconditional, passionate, selfish, and more. Here, I’m talking about love at the practical level, as in our day-to-day relationships.

As we experience it in primary relationships, love is one person's positive experience of another.

Love tends to bring separate people together.
Love is sharing and caring.
Love unites us.
Love is your willingness to share yourself.

Love is a state of being, a feeling, not an action. It is warmth, connectedness, and a desire to be closer. It’s my concern for your well-being as well as my own. Love is someone's recognition in the other of the things he or she likes most about self. Love is not critical or separating; it is accepting and supportive.

We hear much, especially in popular songs, movies, etc., about how painful love is. I disagree.

*Love doesn’t hurt; whatever hurts in a relationship is not love.

*Love isn’t limiting, it’s freeing.

*Love is how you feel; not what you do. The expression of love is one degree removed from the feeling itself. How you behave is not necessarily an accurate barometer of how you love—that depends on your understanding of love and your ability to express yourself effectively.

*Love is a feeling; the expression of love is an art. As with any art, there can be a wide gap between what is expressed and what is felt. The difference between expression and feeling has several contributing factors: self-awareness, honesty, safety, intent and fantasy. As with art, practice and knowledge of technique are helpful.

COMMUNICATION AND MISCOMMUNICATION

Whether you love or not is subject only to your own opinion, no one else’s. The proper answer to the age-old demand, “If you love me, you’ll...” is: “Wrong. I do love you, but I’m not going to do that,” or, “I’ll do that, but it’s not a test of my love.”

Frequently in counseling I’ve seen people let themselves be talked right out of loving each other, like this: When person A says, “If you loved me, you’d…” most often he or she is feeling insecure and asking for reassurance, but asking ineffectively, because it sounds like a demand.

When B is also insecure, and if he or she is unwilling to do whatever is being demanded, B then tends to doubt his or her own loving: “Gee, maybe I don’t love you enough. I’m not willing to do that.”

When A gets this doubtful response on top of his or her initially insecure feelings, A panics: “Oh no! B doesn’t really love me!”

At this point, both A and B are convinced that it’s not working, and everything can go downhill from there, because of simple misunderstanding.

While love is not a behavior but a feeling, accurate and effective communication of feelings is important. It can be very frustrating to love and be unable to communicate that love. We all know the experience of loving someone very much and having them perceive our love as something else.

Marsha: “I loved him so much; I never wanted to be away from him for a minute.”
Bill: “She smothered me! She had no regard for my feelings! I hated it!”

Behavior contributes to accurate expression and is therefore important. It does you no good to love if your behavior is consistently interpreted as unloving.

As in any art, you need to know what you want to express to communicate it effectively. Your personal way of expressing and receiving love is your love style.

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences is focused on helping you and your partner understand and communicate your personal love styles. 

I wish for you a happy relationship, and a satisfied heart.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on The Keys to a Happy Relationship

Everyone wants the best relationship they can have.

Dr. Romance  explains what makes a relationship work.

The markers of a happy relationship are: Cooperation/partnership, mutuality, laughter and affection. Whether you’re in a relationship now or hoping to be, these keys will help you create a more loving and happier partnership.

The Key to Handling Problems Before They Start:

Be on the lookout for early warning signs that things are getting a little off track between you two:

*If you're feeling resentful of anything; that's a definite warning. Resentment is like rust that can eat away at the foundations of the relationship. You need to talk about it, get it resolved.

*Arguments that won't go away and keep repeating are also signs of trouble.

*Companionable silence is good, resentful silence or hopeless silence (It's no use: he/she won't listen anyway) are problems.

*Problems with sex often indicate problems with other kinds of communication.

The Keys to Caring for Yourself Emotionally, Mentally, and Spiritually Are:

*Understand what you need to be happy.

*Don't dwell on the negative: if something's wrong, just focus on it long enough to understand it, then change focus to finding a solution.

*Don't expect your partner to make you happy: that's your job. You can help each other, but you can't do it for each other; so figure out what you need, then talk to your partner about how to get it.

*Count your blessings: no matter how annoying your partner may be at this moment, there are many good things happening, also. Don't let the negative soak up all your attention.

The Keys to Caring about Your Partner:

*Listen, listen, listen: The three most important words in a relationship are 'tell me more.' To consider your partner's needs, you need to understand them first. Listening does that. If you both know your partner will always be available to hear what you want to say, you'll be much happier. Knowing what your partner wants doesn't mean you have to give in; instead, work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

*Resentment is dangerous to you and your relationship: If you find yourself starting to harbor little resentments, take care of it as a favor to both yourself and your partner. Notice hurt feelings and upsets: don't let them pile up. Talk about it with your partner without being accusing. You can own that something hurt your feelings or upset you without blaming; and your partner is much more likely to own up if he or she does not feel accused.

*Most of the time your partner doesn't realize how you feel until you say it out loud: Take the time to know what you want to fix the problem before you bring it up. Understand why you're hurt, and whether it's something that actually comes from somewhere else: like a previous relationship or your childhood; or it's something particular to your partner. Then, figure out what you'll need to fix it.

The Keys to Common Mistakes that Can Alienate Both of You:

*Not taking responsibility for your bad moods, fears, and other feelings; and letting your partner feel responsible. That separates you.

*Not making sure you have time for your partner also separates you. Don't let TV, Internet, work, kids or other people soak up all the time so you don't have any left for each other. Seek a balance.

*Relaxing too much and becoming complacent. Keep your courting behavior alive, and bring it out regularly. Don’t ever forget that you fell in love with each other. Guard against taking your partner and your relationship for granted.

The Keys to Getting or Staying Out of a Rut:

When you feel like you and your partner are in a rut; you know you love each other, but you've just lost some of that zing when you're together, there are a few fun things you can do to freshen things up.

*Count your blessings, and share what you're grateful for. It will enhance the joy in your relationship.

*If you're bored, you've been lazy: get out there and do something together. A walk, a special meal (at home or out, depending on budget) perusing the photo album, a flower, a note; can all create pleasure and joy. Clear the calendar and spend a day just enjoying each other; including great sex. Have a date, like you used to. The zing will come right back.

*Dress for date night. Women often don't understand how much guys like it when they have pretty underwear or are dressed up. He won't see your extra weight or your little wrinkles: he'll just see that you dressed up for him. He'll like it. And guys, she likes it when you clean up, too. For that date night, dress as carefully as you did when you were really dating.

The Keys to Sharing a Household:

*Learn how to talk over difficult subjects: money, space and style differences; so that they don't escalate into fights.

*Avoid being territorial. You can share space, and blend your styles. Hopefully, there will be enough space that each of you can have a bit of turf that is yours. You need a corner to retreat to when you get on edge with each other or the world.

*To talk about money, use your business skills. It's just math; take the emotion out of it, and talk as you would in a business meeting.

*Share your space and your resources, and also allow each other some privacy and independence. Intimacy thrives when each of you has a sense of separate self.

The Keys to Sharing Parenting:

*To create cooperative parenting, understand that there are a lot more ways to do it successfully than you think. Maybe you liked what your own parents did, and your spouse liked what his or her parents did: but you are two entirely different people, and so are your kids. It's great to find a book or parenting class to give you both neutral ground to talk about it. And you do need to talk about it.

*Each time there's a problem, solve it on the spot, but then talk about it afterward (without the kids around) to work out how to avoid that problem in the future. Update your skills as your kids reach different phases (toddler, preschooler, grammar school, pre-teen, teenager, young adult) so you won't be always scrambling after the fact. Plan ahead together for the next phase. Take the time to enjoy your kids. Make sure they feel like part of the family by doing chores and helping out. Don't give them a free ride; it's not good for their character.

© 2022 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Attitude Adjustment

Dr. Romance writes:

I have blogged before about emotional hygiene, and doing the necessary maintenance on feelings as well as your physical body and household. Health reminders tell us to wash our hands frequently to prevent transmittal of diseases. Did you know you can “wash” your mood, too, and give yourself an attitude adjustment whenever you want to?

When I want to have a pleasant time with Richard, I know it’s important to manage my mood and keep myself on an even keel – if anything happens that’s disappointing, annoying, upsetting or stressful, I need to re-balance myself and not let it get to me or spoil the day.

Here are some ideas for how to turn your attitude around in the most common mood - disrupting situations:

Disappointment and Expectations

We all have high hopes and rosy pictures of the future when we enter a new situation or relationship. so when life turns out not to be perfect, things don’t go the way you hoped, or you find out your partner actually is an imperfect human, just like you, it’s disappointing. You may begin by expecting that your partner will always see your point of view, or that as long as you love each other, everything will be OK, but after a while, reality breaks through and you realize your expectations were unrealistic. If you feel you’re constantly disappointed and frequently angry, consider that it may be because your expectations don’t line up with reality.

No matter how little reality resembles your dreams, there’s no need to squabble about it. We all deal with many disappointments in daily life, at home and at work. In most cases, neither you nor your partner would argue with the boss, colleagues at work, or your child's teacher the way you argue with each other. In domestic situations, you can choose your behavior in the same way -- you don't have to argue with each other. Instead of bickering like children, use your grownup self-control to pull yourself out of the argument. If you're fighting over silly little things, remember you're having symbolic fights--it's not really about who didn't put the cap on the toothpaste, it's about disappointment, who is right, who has the most power, or who deserves to be loved.

Do’s and Don’ts for Handling Disappointment
OK, so you're disappointed. Your dream has ended in the trashbin. You may want to lay on the floor, kicking your heels and screaming; or go on a drunken binge, or beat someone up, but if you try it, you’ll find you're still disappointed, and all that acting out hasn't fixed anything. Disappointment is a dead-end in your road; so you need to figure out a new direction.

Here are some Do's and Don'ts to help you:

DO put it in perspective: If you're disappointed, it hurts, but your life is not over. Look to your future, and see what you can do to make it better.
DO understand that you had some control, but not total control over this: With an objective look at what went wrong, you can make plans to improve your team effort, your skills, your spirit and then look forward to the next event. Don't blame yourself for the things you couldn't control, but change the things you can.
DON'T give up: You’re not a failure unless you quit; so don't quit when you're behind. Instead, get determined to do better.
DO try to learn from the experience: Every disappointment is an opportunity to learn from whatever went wrong. Re-play your mental tapes of the event, and figure out how you can do better.
DON'T expect anyone to sympathize beyond the first few moments: Sympathy feels good for a short while, but it debilitates you in the long run. You'll feel better if you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the game.

Letting go of Resentment, Discontent and Frustration

Discontent and frustration are destructive, because they give rise to hopelessness and despair. If you can’t solve problems, communicate or get along with yourself or someone else, you’ll lose hope that you will ever be able to enjoy life. Resentment and frustration rob your days of the joyous and happy moments. When you’re frustrated and hopeless, you lack patience and the ability to think clearly and creatively. The good news is, you can learn patience and clear thinking.

Acquiring Patience

Learning to be patient and remain calm reduces and relieves stress and worry. Cultivating patience is really learning impulse control -- it's an issue in self-management. You can learn how to do "emotional maintenance" and shake off stress, keep on track of what you want to do, and let go of frustration when something is getting to you. Patience is learning how to wait and think before acting and made sure you understand the options and take control of your own ideas and decisions. It's a growth process, a transformation of self through awareness and learning.

To acquire patience, learn not to act on impulse, but change your thinking and attitude, and reach out for support and encouragement. To learn the necessary patience and determination that enhances your communication, these seven steps will help.

Seven Steps to Help You Learn Patience:

1: Wait: The old advice to “count to 10 before you respond” is a great way to learn patience. Give yourself a chance to give your best response.

2: Use Perspective--put your impulses or desires in perspective-- will it be important an hour from now--fifteen minutes from now? Most of them won't be.

3. Self-understanding: If you are tempted to act or speak on impulse, understand that the impulse is normal, but you don’t have to be run by it. Reactions and impulses are suspect--it's how thoughtfully we act on them that counts. If your impulsive thoughts or actions ruin moments, they’re not worth it.

4: Take a longer view: If you’re reacting because someone upset you (e.g.: your partner hurt your feelings) give a little prayer of thanks that it wasn't worse, say a blessing for your partner, friend or co-worker (who probably needs it) and you'll feel better. If you are tempted to act impulsively, pause a minute and consider your bigger goal--then decide if the momentary impulse is worth setting back your goal.

5. Give yourself a break: If you act on an impulse before thinking about it, acknowledge what you did, then forgive yourself and get back on track. If you find yourself acting impulsively a lot, then maybe your goal is too rigid, and you need to allow a little more room for yourself, or to renegotiate the contract with your spouse. Find an outlet for your impulses where they won’t do harm.

6. Refocus: Impulses are often a reaction to outside circumstances--for example, being annoyed because your partner isn’t available, when you could enjoy using the time you have to yourself. Make sure what you’re doing is what you really want to do.

7: Celebrate: Remember to celebrate your accomplishments and all the times you do what you intend to, keep your promises, and work things out. Frequent small celebrations are a way to reward yourself for patience, and to increase your motivation to be even more patient. Complement and encourgage yourself and others.

adapted from: It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on The Worrier’s Guidelines: simple steps to combat worry

Dr. Romance writes: Often, it seems that there are not enough hours in the day to do everything that must be done, and like the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland we have to run as fast as we can just to stay in place.  And she was created before computers, cell phones and e-mail!   I often find myself worrying about a future I can’t predict, or things I haven’t done.  Worry saps energy, and accomplishes nothing, so I’ve developed a method of dealing with worry that you might find helpful, especially when you can’t sleep or if you’re anxious.  Whenever you’re  worried,  follow these simple steps:

1. Write it down.   If you’re feeling anxious or worried, or you can’t stop thinking about some event that hasn’t happened yet, take a few moments to write down whatever is worrying you.  If you can’t  write it down, think it through carefully until you can clearly say what you’re worrying about.  Clarifying your worries will stop the free-floating sensation of anxiety with no basis.

2. Evaluate.  Think about the first item on your list.  Ask yourself “Is there anything I can do about it now?” If you’re at home and worrying about the office, or if the problem won’t occur until next week or next year, you may not be able to do anything about it right now.  Or, perhaps you can make yourself a note, make a  call, devise a plan,  or ask for help. 

3. Do Something. If there is something you can do, do it.  Rather than waste time worrying,  decide to get something done.  For example,
∙ If you’re worrying about how your presentation will go at work tomorrow, go over your notes and lay out your clothes for the morning.
∙  If you’re worried about a health problem,  look up the illness or injury on the Internet, or call your doctor and ask some questions. 
∙ If you’re at work worrying and about cooking dinner when you get home, write down a menu or a list of ingredients.
∙  If you’re worried that you may be fired, update your resume and call some agencies.  You don’t have to take another job right away, but if there’s a real problem you’ll be prepared.

Here’s how it looks in action: If you’re worried that the roof may leak the next time it rains, start making a list about what you can do about it. Your inner dialog may sound like this:

“The news said it was going to rain next week.  I’m worried that the roof might leak.”:
“Call a roofing company and have them look at it.”
“I’m worried that a roofing company will charge me more than they should because I don’t  know how much it should cost.”
“Call my brother, (or my neighbor, or my friend) who had his roof done, and ask him what  it costs, and also if he liked the contractor he used.”
“Okay.” 
When you reach this “okay”, it’s time to make the call, or, if it’s too late at night,  make a note to  call the next day.

4. Distract Yourself. When you’ve done what you can, or made your lists or notes, then distract yourself: Count your blessings, get involved in something else,  read,  or take a walk or a bath. 

Repeat the above steps whenever you’re worried, and you’ll find that your worries decrease.  I wish you days full of blessings.

Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance on Silver and Gold: secrets to making and keeping friends

Dr. Romance writes: Make new friends, keep the old. One is silver, the other is gold.——adage

Research conducted by Dr. Dean Ornish and others shows that the happiest and healthiest people are those who are well-connected to friends and family. But, in our mobile society, keeping friends is not always possible. Long-term friendships are wonderful and valuable, but if you don’t make new connections as you get older, your group of friends may diminish due to death and relocation. If you haven’t made new friends in a while, updating your definition of friendship and increasing your skills at meeting people will be worth your while.

First, consider what being a friend means to you. Who are your best friends? What qualities do they have? Once you have a clear idea of the kinds of friendships you would enjoy, you can decide to create more of them in your life. This can be done in two ways:

• Make changes in your current relationships ask your friends to participate in activities you enjoy, and spend more time with the friends whose style of friendship best complements your own.

• Create new friendships: Reach out to coworkers, your neighbors or church members and invite them to accompany you in a favorite activity or for coffee. As an alternative, you may want to join a discussion group focused on literature, film, or painting, or take a class in yoga, or cooking. If you spend time with people who have similar interests, you will soon create new friends.

If you find that you don’t have enough friends, here are some guidelines for making new ones. Of course, you can tailor these suggestions to your personal tastes.

1. Get a social life. If you want to meet people with whom you have something in common, do things on a regular basis that involve others. Activities can range from taking classes, joining hobby clubs, volunteering, playing a sport or game, hiking, or any pursuit that meets regularly. The people you meet will share your interest, and you’ll have something to talk about and enjoy together.

2. Find interesting, fun people. Being involved in an ongoing activity, and meeting with the same people on a regular basis gives you a chance to get to know them before you decide to pursue a more personal relationship. When you find someone you think is particularly pleasant, spend a little time talking with him or her during or after your activity. Ask questions about the project you are working on, or share experiences and advice. If you both enjoy the conversation, goes well, you can offer to meet before or after the session for coffee. From there, you can begin do more things together, until you’ve established a pattern of friendship.

3. Don’t overlook people you know. While you’re making new friends, don’t forget the people you already know. Is there a favorite family member you’d like to see more often? Call him or her and suggest going for a walk, or to lunch. Are there acquaintances at work, at church, in your neighborhood, involved in your child’s ( or your own) school, or elsewhere with whom you could develop a friendship? Consider reaching out to them. Let these people know that you’d like to share events and activities.

Spending quality time with friends is beneficial to your emotional, mental and physical health. If you follow the above steps, you’ll find that it isn’t as difficult as you think to make friends.

Adapted from The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance: You Are a Gift

Dr. Romance writes: Each of us is individual, special and different for a reason: You are a gift to the planet.

Anthropology tells us we are different because we survive better that way – the recombining of genes in sexual reproduction makes us a stronger species than cloning would.

However, that doesn’t account for the beauty of our differences. Each of us is a special package, a gift to the planet. If you’re looking for a reason for your life, look into your gifts. The whole point is to discover what you have to give, and to give it as effectively as possible.

I believe I came into this planet to heal: First, to heal myself and learn to value who I am, then to help heal the planet, one person at a time.

Healing is an art; not just a science or a technology. It’s not enough to throw the latest scientific discovery or medical advance at the problem – you have to get into all the messy, bleeding, hurting parts, sort out the problem, and clear the blocks so the healing can begin.

All my experience, personal and professional verifies that this is the only way it can be done. There are many different paths that can be used to get into the healing mode, and they all lead to the same place: love. Healing only takes place in an atmosphere of love. My clients heal as they learn to love themselves, and demonstrating love to those around you will create a healing atmosphere. But what is love?

Love is a confusing word. We use it to mean obligation: "If you love me you’ll...." We use it for dependency: "I love you, I can’t live without you." We use it for ownership: "We’re in love, we belong to each other." We use it for charity: "I do this for you because I love you."

I want to see love freed. I think the world exists on love, and that it is love which binds us together.

Science has not yet understood the mysterious force which holds the tiny particles of the atom together, and thus holds everything in our physical world together. Pretend with me that the binding force is love: If that were true, then we’d each be an expression of love and surrounded by love. The phrase "God is love" would take on new dimensions.

We would be free and able to let our partners be free, because we would not have to do anything to be bonded. And we would not have to prove to ourselves that we love – it would be obvious to all around us. We could let our partners be different without being scared – just as protons and neutrons are different and express themselves differently, yet remain bonded.

So, I talk frequently about love, and as much as possible, walk my talk. My life is about freeing love. I believe love grows out of freedom, that free beings are open to loving and being loved. It is not possible to push or force people into loving. The only thing that works is leaving enough room for love to grow.

The more free people there are, the more love will be freed in the world. I invite you to join me in creating as much non-demanding, non-possessive love as we can in the world.

Adapted from How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on How to Write a Love Letter: put your relationship in perspective

Happy Valentine's Day!

Dr Romance adapted this from an Alcoholics Anonymous handout:

We often get out of touch or out of sorts with people – sometimes they leave or pass on, sometimes we quarrel, sometimes we just grow apart. If your connection, or lack of one, with someone is troubling you, here’s a simple way to ease your mind and your heart.

HOW TO WRITE A LOVE LETTER

Writing has a powerful effect on our emotional state. The following exercise is designed to help you fully express feelings that may have lain dormant for a long time, or may be too intense and jumbled for your to process effectively. You’ll find it helpful in expressing what you feel, especially if you’re having difficulty letting go, forgiving, grieving for or being appropriately angry at someone.

THIS LETTER IS NOT DESIGNED TO BE MAILED TO ANYONE. After you write it, you may decide to write another appropriately adjusted for the other person to read. The point of this is to let your feelings out, uncensored and unedited. Begin by expressing your anger, resentment and blame and allow yourself to move through the other levels until you get down to the love.

You may find your feelings begin pouring out as you write. If so, just go with what you feel. If you get stuck or confused, using the following suggested lead_in phrases may help you.

1. ANGER AND BLAME

I don’t like it when.............

I resent...........

I hate it when

I’m fed up with.......

I’m tired of...........

2. HURT AND SADNESS

I feel sad when......

I feel hurt because.......

I feel awful because........

I feel disappointed because...........

3. FEAR AND INSECURITY

I feel afraid..........

I’m afraid that..............

I feel scared because..............

I don’t understand..........

4.GUILT AND RESPONSIBILITY

I’m sorry that.......

I’m sorry for........

Please forgive me for.........

I didn’t mean to...........

5.LOVE, FORGIVENESS, UNDERSTANDING AND DESIRE

I love you because...........

I love when..........

Thank you for.........

I understand that........

I forgive you for.........

I want...............

Now, put the letter away for a couple of days, then re-read it and decide if you want to share part of it with the other person . If you’re writing to someone who has passed on, or you can't contact, you may want to burn the letter, to symbolically "send" it.

from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: It's a Dirty Job: Use the Silly Solution for a Healthy Relationship

Dr. Romance writes: Early in our marriage, after a difficult struggle between us, I gave my husband Richard a card. All over the front it said, "I love you," and inside it said, "It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it." That phrase has carried us through many difficult times since.

I read many articles about what happens "after the passion dies" in long-term relationships, and my clients frequently are worried about the same question. I believe what happens, when all goes well, is that a sense of humor sets in.

The burden of passion can be a heavy one. Having to rev up the energy for a passionate, heavy-breathing session making love after a hard day's work can be an appalling prospect. How much more inviting it is to be able to have a silly giggle session, complete with sexual play, with the dearest person I know. Suddenly, the heaviness and obligation are gone, and if I'm too tired to be passionate and alluring, I always seem to have the energy to "mess around".

Arguments are hard to have with a lovable three- year-old, which is what my husband can become at the drop of an accusation. He puts his hands on his hips, sticks out his chin, and (in a perfect imitation of a kid mimicking an angry parent) says, "Who did that?" He then points his finger at whatever offense (a messy table, a forgotten chore) I've lost my sense of humor about. Watching him, I can't hang on to my anger. After we laugh, then we can do something constructive about the problem.

P1ease understand that I'm speaking of humor, not irresponsibility. We are both adults, self-starters, business owners, and we have an equal, relatively balanced relationship. We hashed that in our first few years of marriage. We get angry with each other mostly out of irritability, exhaustion and frustration with our heavy schedules - not because either one of us is slacking off. Things don't get done at times because we have hectic lives, and hectic lives benefit greatly from a sense of humor.

It takes a certain amount of self-acceptance to create healthy humor, rather than the hurtful kind; but then again, this loving, shared laughter has also enhanced my degree of self-awareness. The paradox seems to be that having permission for childlike play also gives permission to be responsible and self-accepting. We don't make nasty jokes about each other and our love; we share a sense of humor about it, and it makes a big difference. We laugh together, and it feels good.

We have been together since 1981, and using gentle humor still works. We've been together longer than either of us has been with anyone else, and I don't feel in danger of being bored. I seem to easily run out of things to be passionate or dramatic about, but laughter never gets boring. It's also difficult to store up resentments against the person in my life who makes it easiest for me to laugh.

I find myself looking for ways to make Richard laugh; and the more I practice it, The better I get. He seems to  know my "laugh buttons" better, too. Could he be looking for them? I wouldn't be surprised.

So, rather than treasuring old grudges, old hurts, we treasure old jokes and funny lines. I know I can turn to Richard and say "it's a dirty job ..." and get an answering smile. I also know he understands when I say that phrase, that I love him, "warts and all." It's a good feeling.

There are times when an overwhelming feeling of warmth and caring flows over me, and many of those times are when I laugh with Richard. Humor seems to be the secret, at least for us, in both keeping our love fresh and alive, and in feeling confident that we will not lose our "specialness" to each other.

The more we learn about living together, The less we struggle, and the less we struggle, the more we laugh and play. In many years of counseling couples, I have learned that struggle is often used by families to structure time. As a partner in this relationship, I have learned that replacing the drama of struggle with the delight of humor can be a positive addiction; and a powerful solution for what to do with our time together.

The net result of all this is that I have become an advocate of the "silly solution", and it is working better than all the seriousness I used to think my relationships required. I wish for you a lighter step, daily laughter, and love that makes you smile.

Adapted from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance asks: Are the Post-Holiday Blues getting you down?

Everyone is relieved when the holidays are over, and sometimes disappointed. If you're worn out, it's worth your while to take the time to recharge a little, and pamper yourself. 

Dr. Romance gives  4 Tips for handling Post-holiday blues

* If you are disappointed, and the holidays let you down in some way, process that first. Write in your journal, talk to an understanding friend or family member, and sort through your feelings. Understand what you were disappointed about, and what you're going to do to avoid that scenario in the future. (If Uncle Harry got drunk and ruined holiday dinner, consider not having booze) If the problem was a big one (your boyfriend left you, someone died, you got some terrible news over the holidays) then consider getting the help of a good therapist or support group: don't deal with tragic news alone.

* If you're just tired from all the celebration, cooking and preparation, consider pampering yourself. If you have the budget for it, take a spa day, or a night in a hotel. If the budget is shot, then get together with girlfriends and give each other manicures or makeovers. Set aside an evening with your hubby or boyfriend for massage, a DVD and popcorn, or just hanging out together, without all the company. Take a nap, a bubble bath, or a day off to do nothing. Picnic in the living room with your kids and pets.

* It's a new year: consider refreshing yourself with something different. Try a different hair color, new makeup, a new workout routine, or take some (inexpensive) dance lessons or pottery or art classes at your local Department of Parks and Recreation, Community College Adult School, or your church or Jewish Community Center.

* Have some simple fun. You just spent two months doing complicated things: working out family holidays, buying gifts, cooking, shopping and entertaining. Do something very easy that's fun for you. Take a bike ride along the beach or the river, read a new novel, watch your favorite comedy movie, hang out with your best friend for coffee, e-mail a funny YouTube video to your friends.

Above all, don't worry about feeling somewhat detached and disconnected; it will pass.  It will pass more quickly if you follow the previous steps.

Excerpted from: The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Happy New Year from Dr. Romance!

 Dr. Romance on creating a Happy New Year

Most of us are infused with good will and joy over the holidays, getting together with loved ones and friends, spreading kindness, and being surrounded by reminders of holiday spirit.  The holidays happen around this time of year for a reason: it's the time when the old year ends, and the new one begins. We have yet another chance to start again.  Here are some ways to keep that happiness going.

Spreading kindness is the best way I know to be happy.  If you want to spread kindness around, here are some ideas:

 *Kindness begins on the inside – learn to be as kind in talking to yourself as you are to others – then, keep improving.  Self-talk sets the bar for the happiness in your life.

 *Letters, e-mails, notes and cards expressing kind words to your friends, kids or spouse and family, even when you live together or nearby.  Getting uplifting messages will inspire anyone’s day.

 *When you know someone who is ill, bereaved, down or needs help; get together with other friends and work together to get them what they need: whether it’s a meal, some company, or errands run.

 *So many of us are lost about how to help a friend in times of grief; but all that’s really needed is a little kindness and a listening ear.  Grief needs a witness, and you can listen sympathetically.

 * Don’t forget to express your gratitude, beginning with the simple "Magic Words" -- please and thank you.  Manners are social lubricant -- they hold society together, and they show respect to others.  There's respect for self (treating oneself as you would a good friend),  respect for family and friends, respect for differences, like other cultures, races, religions.  There are certainly rewards for kindness.  It lubricates social connections, and lays a foundation for love, friendship, business success and social recognition in your own life. 

* One of the kindest things you can do for yourself is to keep a positive outlook and see the silver lining.  Often we feel unlucky because we aren't noticing the luck we have.  Even if something bad has happened, such as the loss of someone dear, the fact that you had such a person in your life was lucky, or having something to lose, in the first place, is lucky. By all means, express grief for your loss, but also remember the gift that you had whatever time with that person before the loss. 

* Every gift is an expression of love, and every giver should be thanked graciously, no matter what the gift is.  Whether you’re giving or receiving, what counts is the thought, not the value.

May you give and receive kindness as much as possible – it will make you happy.

From it Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Anticipating the New Year

Dr. Romance wishes you a Happy New Year!

Every New Year feels like a new beginning. The sun, at its furthest point at Winter Solstice, has begun its annual swing closer to Earth, you change your calendar, and we all feel the renewal of the fresh, new year. With this sense of renewal, all of us are energized, and it’s natural to feel that it’s a great time to begin new traditions, and change old habits. Add that to the feeling that we indulged too much while celebrating over the holidays, and we have the perfect setup to make new year’s resolutions.

New Year's resolutions are about beginning fresh, and correcting past problems, so the impetus to do them as the year begins anew makes sense. However, it's a lot easier said than done. If the resolution is made with real motivation behind it, it will likely succeed, no matter when it's begun. But, if you're just making resolutions because everyone else is, or you believe you should do it, and you haven’t thought it through, you’re liable to find that you lack motivation and energy to follow through. If you make the resolution easy to accomplish, you'll have more successes to celebrate and you'll be able to appreciate your accomplishment.

Instead of following that same old cycle, and setting yourself up for disappointment one more time, you can follow my simple plan for replacing disappointment with anticipation. Setting yourself up for anticipation instead of defeat, makes your new year a lot easier.

Try replacing the old resolution habit with a new a habit of daily anticipation with the following method:

Daily Anticipation: Either in the evening or the morning, take fifteen to twenty minutes to sit down with your calendar and think about the day to come. Consider your to-do list, your appointments (whatever kind of appointments you have: with a business associate, a customer, your dentist, to take your child to soccer or ballet, or lunch with a friend) and whatever you personally would like to accomplish (for example: gardening, cooking dinner, making a speech, getting a new client, writing your novel, working out, winning at a sport, meditating or praying, creating art or music, or visiting a friend). If your list is more than you can possibly get done in one day, sort through it now, instead of waiting until the end of the day to find you didn’t accomplish the most important things. Prioritize what you have to do, and whatever you’re not going to get to today, put on your to-do list for tomorrow or next week.

Look at your calendar and schedule as realistically as you can. For example, if you are taking your daughter to ballet class, or your son to football practice, consider that it might be important to allow enough time for the two of you to talk. If the client you have to see is long-winded or habitually late, take that into consideration. If you are extra tired, consider not packing your day as full as usual.

On the other hand, if your calendar is not full enough, if you have a tendency to go to work and then come home with no idea of what you’ll do for the evening, then give some thought to scheduling some of that unused time: For example, volunteering to help somewhere; inviting a friend to dinner, participating in a sport, joining the church choir, or taking a class. You can even decide to get intentional about relaxing, rather than letting the TV or the computer absorb time meaninglessly.

In this way you can take charge of your day, and make sure that, within the limits of your real situation, you do the things that are most important to you. The few minutes you take at the beginning of your day to organize it can save you hours later. If you focus on planning each day, you will make steady progress toward attaining your future goals, and creating a truly Happy New Year!

I wish you a new year filled with every good thing.
adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction)

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Staying Young

Dr. Romance is aware that there is a heavy emphasis on youth in today's culture.  Companies and individuals want to sell you potions, clothing, makeup, diets, exercise and attitudes and other magic to help you stay young.  But, scientific research shows that these things rarely make a significant difference.  Of course, living a healthy lifestyle will help you maintain your optimum health, and feel your best   But, the real secret to staying young is completely within your own control, and takes very little money.  Here are Dr. Romance's secrets:

How to stay young….

1. Gratitude: Acknowledging all that you have and are will change your outlook immediately. Instead of complaining about birthdays, wrinkles or aches, give thanks that you’re healthier than so many others, and appreciate what you have.

2. Learning: Learn something new. Whatever you’ve always wanted to know or be, you still can. Learn a language, or to play music, or to dance, or to sail a boat. It will literally keep your brain younger

3. New experiences: Meet some new people, go to a new place, try something different. It will refresh your outlook, and remind you of what you have to offer others.

4. Do something for someone else. Volunteer, babysit, help a neighbor, give away something you don’t need any more. The ability to give reminds us that we have so much, and makes us happy.

5. Pamper yourself: Most of us don't do enough pampering of ourselves, or take time to smell the roses.  It's the greatest stress reliever we have.  Take a day for yourself, have a massage, sit in a park and breathe in nature, have your favorite lunch. It’s like rebooting your computer – rejuvenating.

from The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Friends With Benefits

Dr. Romance writes:

If you’re thinking about having sex with a friend, be very careful, because it is not easy to preserve a friendship once you have sex. We think we can control our feelings, but it's not so simple. 

*If one of you becomes romantically attached as a result of the sex, the friendship will probably not survive. 

*If you've done it before, and you know you can keep your feelings in check, you might be successful, but what about your friend? Are you sure he or she is aware of his or her own feelings and motives?

 *Think about it in advance and talk about it a lot

 *Are you going to keep dating others while you're doing this FWB thing?

 *What if one of you falls in love with someone else?

 * What if you just want out of the deal after a while?

 *What if only one of you falls in love, instead of remaining friends?

 Keep talking throughout the FWB arrangement It sounds a lot more fun and easier than it really is.

The benefit is being able to have sex with someone you know, rather than a stranger. The disadvantages are: It could be the end of the friendship.  One person could fall in love, while the other doesn't want to pursue more of a relationship. It may keep you from finding a real relationship, because you're too comfortable to look.

For many men, FWB is what they want: sex without responsibility. They also tend to take it for granted, and still be attracted to other women.

Most males have fantasies about having all the women they want. Women, on the other hand, tend to become emotionally attached when they have sex.  (Men actually do, too, but they don't want to know they are. That's why they often don't realize they feel something for someone until that person is gone.) Women's fantasies are about a monogamous relationship.

If you start to develop feelings, pay attention! Don't ignore it. Let your partner know, and watch the reaction. If you don't get a positive response, cut off the sex. That's the way to see if the other person is also emotionally attached or not.  Don't languish in a friends-with-benefits relationship when you want more. If your FWB suddenly meets someone else and marries, you'll be devastated.

If you want to cut off the sex, you need to explain why you're doing it. "I'm developing deeper feelings for you, and since you don't seem to return them, I have to stop having sex with you. I'd like to still be friends."  Or, "I can't even be your friend for a while, because I'm grieving."

Maintaining this type of relationship is not easy for anyone. It only seems easy at the beginning. My counseling practice is full of people who had their hearts broken this way.  Older people tend to be a little wiser and more cautious about it than younger people, but all ages get hurt.

Don't just let things develop on their own. Definitely talk about it beforehand, or as soon as possible. You need to establish that the friendship is important to both of you, and you don't want to ruin it. You also need to talk about feelings, to open that subject for future discussion.

* If you want to turn a friendship into a full-on relationship, and you’re serious about it, then you need to talk about that, too. Your friendship will be altered forever when you have sex for the first time. You have things to lose here, and things to gain. 

*Make some agreements, discuss the above questions, and keep talking about it.

Back to being friends                      

Friendships that go from friends to lovers back to friends can be very close, because you know each other so well. The first thing you need  to do is talk about it.  Make a deal that you won't do anything that would jeopardize your friendship, and stick to it. (That means, acting as a friend, and not acting jealous if your friend has a date.)                  

The more emotionally mature you are, the easier it is to re-establish the friendship. Openness increases intimacy. So friends who can talk about everything feel closer than friends who can't. 

However, friendships have more limits on sharing than lover relationships do. If you’ve found someone new, you have to consider your sexual partner, too, who might not like his or her privacy invaded.  

It is possible to re-develop a friendship after the romantic line has been crossed, but it's not always easy. If both of you are in agreement that you were better as friends, re-developing the friendship is easier than if one of you still wants the romance.

Surprisingly enough, many people do become friends again after they've divorced or split up. Here are some guidelines for doing that successfully.

So, your ex has been hanging around, helping you out with things around the house, eating dinner with you and the kids, or just calling you up to talk about good times in the past. Old, friendly feelings seem to be coming back.  Can you really revert to being friends? Here’s how to see if you and your ex can make it work.

* Go very slowly. It takes time to get re-organized as friends. Talk about your friendship and tell the truth. If it’s going to work, it go better if you go more slowly, and you’ll have a chance to build a better foundation than before.

* Treat it like a new friendship. Start from the beginning, and do it differently – you have to figure out the difference between being lovers and being friends.

* Be conscious about being friends — talk about what you miss about your friendship — if you cannot talk honestly about what changed and what to do differently, you won’t succeed.

* Make sure your friend wants the friendship as much as you do. If there are unresolved old feelings, you need to talk about them.

 * If you run into difficulty, seek therapy to repair the friendship and resolve the lover relationship.

From Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance on Letting Go of a Dysfunctional Relationship

Dr. Romance is aware that all relationships are not successful.

Whether it is a romance, a friendship or a family relationship, there are times that the relationship is too toxic to keep.  

Once you're bonded with someone, it's very painful to let go. Since most of us like to avoid unpleasantness, we don't want to do the grieving that's necessary to let go. When you' have to let go, there are a certain number of tears you must cry to process the loss: getting on with the crying is the fastest way. Even if the dissolution of a relationship was your idea, you may be clinging to a dream; in denial. A bad relationship can become like an addiction: a difficult habit to break, because you are emotionally attached, and the attached part of you wants to keep trying, while the rational part knows you need to let go.

We also have a lot of cultural mythology about loyalty, and that clinging and martyring to a toxic loved one means you are truly loving. Clinging to a toxic connection is painful.  A relationship is a partnership, and requires goodwill and cooperation from both people in order to succeed.

If you find you have real reason to doubt someone you care about, and there are real problems, such as lying, betrayal, combativeness, dishonesty, bad behavior due to alcohol abuse, violence,  illegal activities or drug use, do not make excuses, and do not accept promises of change.  

It's important to be aware of the signs of emotional blackmail:

1. Demands. Your loved one won’t take “no” for an answer, and requests are really demands.
2. Obstinance. When every discussion turns into an argument.
3. Pressure. Your loved one pressures you to go along or do what he or she wants.
4. Threats. Your loved one uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to leave. Once your loved one knows you can be pressured into giving in, it will increase the intensity of the pressure.
6. Repetition. An obsessive person will go through these previous five steps over and over, wearing you down each time. The easiest thing is to be sure when you say “no”, it means no.  Don't allow anyone to keep after you once you've said no.

People with these problems are damaged, it is difficult for them to change, and will take a lot of time. Mere promises, no matter how well intended, are not sufficient. It is very important to protect yourself from someone who keeps disrespecting, abusing, or taking advantage of you.   If your loved one decides to get help, that's great and should be supported and encouraged -- but not believed until you see consistent results.

The best way to handle these difficult people is by giving them what I call an "adult time out:" Retreat into cool politeness; stop sharing intimate information, stop spending time with the person, and keep your distance. You'll find that it's very effective in curbing the person's bad behavior around you.  

You can be honest about what doesn't work for you, but don't try to talk the person into changing behavior. That will only lead to a struggle, with the problem person defending him or her self.  Any change has to come from the person, and withdrawing is the most powerful catalyst, especially if you can do it calmly.  

Other articles on related subjects:

Mirrors and Teachers 
How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship 
Setting Boundaries and Saying No
Romance is Not Necessarily Love  
How to Avoid Loving a Jerk 
Avoiding The Drama Triangle 

from it Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Love Styles

Dr. Romance writes:

There was a time when life seemed very hard, so hard I tried not to think about it.. Several times I helped to destroy some very viable relationships. Changing myself, my life and my loves has been very exciting and fulfilling, yet I am still growing. Love Styles is intended to help you reach your desired destination on your own journey and make your hard places a little easier.

There’s a pervasive myth in our society that there is a right and a wrong way to love. However, there’s not much clarity about what is the right way. We all have difficulty with relationships, difficulty with love; therefore, we’re liable to draw the uncomfortable conclusion: “Everyone knows how to love correctly except me.” At times, when frustrated by a lover, you may indeed believe that everyone knows how to love except your partner

This attitude leads to blaming, defensiveness, accusing and a general shutdown of any loving feelings. You may feel helpless, betrayed, incompetent, angry and lost. If you become defensive and withdraw from your beloved, things get worse.

There are as many ways of loving as there are people—and none of them is wrong. Some ways of loving do work better than others, but there are an infinite number of ways that work extremely well. This is good news, for it ends forever the fear that love can become boring, or that you can become bored with it. When looked at from this perspective, the object of relationships becomes to discover each other’s way of loving (love style), to learn the style of loving your partner uses and to teach him or her the joys of your own style. In this way, each relationship adds to your options for love. Each couple synthesizes a new love style out of the two they bring together; which is uniquely theirs and which can be restructured as their lifestyles change and grow.

LOVE

I can't really define what love is for you, because each of you has your own unique experience with love. But I can separate it from several things it is not, and list some very general attributes of it.

We experience love on many ways: romantic, practical, spiritual, familial, unconditional, passionate, selfish, and so on. In this book, I’m talking about love at the practical level, as in our day-to-day relationships.

As we experience it in primary relationships, love is one person's positive experience of another.
Love tends to bring separate people together.
A Love is sharing and caring.
A Love unites us.
A Love is your willingness to share yourself.

Love is a state of being, a feeling, not an action. It is warmth, connectedness, and a desire to be closer. It’s my concern for your well-being as well as my own. Love is someone's recognition in the other of the things he or she likes most about self. Love is not critical or separating; it is accepting and supportive.

We hear much, especially in popular songs, movies, etc., about how painful love is. I disagree. Love doesn’t hurt; whatever hurts in a relationship is not love. Love isn’t limiting, it’s freeing.
Love is how you feel; not what you do. The expression of love is one degree removed from the feeling itself. How you behave is not necessarily an accurate barometer of how you love—that depends on your understanding of love and your ability to express yourself effectively.
Love is a feeling; the expression of love is an art. As with any art, there can be a wide gap between what is expressed and what is felt. The difference between expression and feeling has several contributing factors: self-awareness, honesty, safety, intent and fantasy. As with art, practice and knowledge of technique are helpful.

COMMUNICATION AND MISCOMMUNICATION
Whether you love or not is subject only to your own opinion, no one else’s. The proper answer to the age-old demand, “If you love me, you’ll_____” is: “Wrong. I do love you, but I’m not going to do that,” or, “I’ll do that, but it’s not a test of my love.”

Frequently in counseling I’ve seen people let themselves be talked right out of loving each other, like this: When person A says, “If you loved me, you’d…” most often he or she is feeling insecure and asking for reassurance, but asking ineffectively, because it sounds like a demand. When B is also insecure, and if he or she is unwilling to do whatever is being demanded, B then tends to doubt his or her own loving: “Gee, maybe I don’t love you enough. I’m not willing to do that.” When A gets this doubtful response on top of his or her initially insecure feelings, A panics: “Oh no B doesn’t really love me ” At this point, both A and B are convinced that it’s not working, and everything can go downhill from there, because of simple misunderstanding.

While love is not a behavior but a feeling, accurate and effective communication of feelings is important. It can be very frustrating to love and be unable to communicate that love. We all know the experience of loving someone very much and having them perceive our love as something else. Marsha: “I loved him so much; I never wanted to be away from him for a minute.” Bill: “She smothered me She had no regard for my feelings I hated it ” Behavior contributes to accurate expression and is therefore important. It does you no good to love if your behavior is consistently interpreted as unloving.

As in any art, it’s necessary to know what you want to express in order to express it effectively. Your personal way of expressing and receiving love is your love style.
© 2021 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on How to Help a Friend Who is Depressed

It's not easy to know what to do when you have a friend who seems depressed.  Dr. Romance has some guidelines to help you support and care for your dear one.

1. Don't try to cheer your friend up. It just sounds like you don't understand.

2. Listen, listen, listen: Your friend needs someone who can hear whatever the problem is. It doesn't matter if it seems like a small or big problem to you, it's overwhelming to your friend, and he or she needs to talk about it. A lot.

3. Be sympathetic: "I'm sorry that happened to you." "You don't deserve that." "That sucks." are all good responses that will tell your friend you understand. Listening may take a long time, or go on for several sessions. Your friend has probably not felt safe to talk about it before this, so it's bottled up.

4. Be helpful: After your friend talks it out enough, he or she will naturally begin to analyze his or her feelings, what is going on, etc. rather than just complaining. If you're listening, you'll notice when this change happens. Then, you can make some suggestions: that your friend talk to a particular adult who understands, you can offer to help with homework, etc. . If your friend is upset or angry with his or her own parents, don't suggest talking to them-- let a responsible, caring adult assess the situation first.

5. If your friend won't talk, or talks about suicide or hurting someone else, then it's time for action. If you're in school, tell your school counselor, or a trusted teacher or parent that your friend is in danger. If you and your friend are adults, tell another friend or family member.  Don't worry if your friend said not to tell: that's just the time when telling may save a life.

Excerpted From It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance's Guidelines for Not Fighting

Fighting a lot in your relationship? Dr. Romance recommends:

No matter what you’re fighting about: money, sex, kids or something else, the fighting is an indication that your communication isn’t working. If this happens only occasionally, such as when one or both of you are tired or stressed; it’s not too big a problem. However, if you argue or bicker on a daily or weekly basis, or you keep fighting about the same thing over and over, then your communication is not functioning as it should, and you don’t know how to move from a problem to the solution. When this happens, problems are recurrent, endless, and they can be exaggerated into relationship disasters. 

1. Don’t participate: Disagreements always require two people. If you don't participate, your partner can't argue without you. If the issue arises at an inopportune time, you can just find a temporary resolution (temporarily give in, go home, leave the restaurant) and wait until things calm down to discuss what happened (the squabble may just have been a case of too much alcohol, or being tired and irritable.) Then talk about what you can do instead if it ever happens again.

2. Discuss Recurring Problems: To resolve recurring problems, discuss related decisions with your spouse and find out what each of you does and does not want before making important decisions. You have a lot of options; so don't let confusion add to the stress.

3. Seek to Understand: Make sure you and your partner understand each other’s point of view before beginning to solve the problem. You should be able to put your mate’s position in your own words, and vice versa. This does not mean that you agree with each other, just that you understand each other.

4. Solve it for the Two of You: Come up with a solution that works for just the two of you, ignoring anyone else’s needs. It’s much easier to solve a problem for the two of you than for others you may not understand. After you are clear with each other, discuss the issues with others who may be involved.

5. Talk to Others: If extended family members or friends might have problems with your decision, talk about what objections they might have, so you can diffuse them beforehand. Discuss possible ways to handle their objections.

Fights often happen because you’re following automatic habit patterns that lead to a problem before you know it. Using these guidelines will help you overcome negative habit patterns you may have built that lead to arguments or bickering.

How to Take a Time Out

Whenever an argument becomes too heated, and you are aware that you're saying the same things you've said before, things have deteriorated into blaming and defending, or someone is getting very upset, it=s useful to take a time out. This works very much as it does in sports, as in basketball, where everyone can be running full tilt down the court, but someone makes the "T" sign with one hand perpendicular to the other, and the action stops immediately. You can even use the same signal.

To Call Time Out:

1. Make an agreed-upon sign. Some couples use the "T" symbol made with the hands, some choose a "safe word:" a nonsense word that wouldn't be used often, like "rutabaga" or a word that has significance to both of you, such as "Palm Springs" to recall the time you stopped fighting on vacation, or "overload" to indicate that you think things have gotten too intense. When you're not fighting, agree on what sign you'll use during a fight, and honor your agreement; when one of you says the word, or makes the sign, both of you have to stop talking.

2. Walk away: Giving the signal means both of you agree to stop fighting immediately, and walk away. You can just go to separate rooms, one of you can take a walk or a shower, or just go sit and write out your anger. The point is to get out of each other's sight for an agreed-upon time. Built into your agreement about time outs is a specific break time. Twenty minutes is usually enough time for both parties to calm down, get past the reactionary anger, and begin to think more rationally.

3. Come back together: After your break, come back together and resume the discussion. It usually works well to make the agreement that the person who called time out will open the discussion again. It's important to come back to the problem, so the time out process doesn't become a way to win an argument. You may find it necessary to call time out more than once in a heated argument. Don't hesitate to do it as often as necessary. It's better to break up the discussion than to deteriorate into fighting. If you take frequent breaks, you'll change your pattern from arguing to calmly discussing the problem.

Adapted from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: 11 things people won't tell you about divorce

 There's a lot of misinformation about divorce, and Dr. Romance would like to clear up some of the confusion.

Here are 11 things people will not tell you about divorce.

1. Divorce will not make you happier, unless you’re leaving an abusive relationship.
2. Divorce sometimes seems easier than fixing your marriage, but it’s usually not.
3. Many divorced couples get back together later.
4. If you don’t have children, and feel OK about how you’ve divided the assets, you may not need to file. Leave it up to your spouse to pay the fees.
5. Sometimes filing for divorce is what it will take to get him to talk to you about what’s wrong.
6. Even if you’re eager to get the divorce, you’ll have a lot of grief.
7. If he is adamant about wanting a divorce, he probably has someone else already.
8. If money is important to him, protect yourself – he may try to leave you with nothing.
9. Even though you’ll have to go through grief, you can survive divorce.
10. You’ll find out who your friends are – they usually choose one partner to stay friends with.
11. You'll have to rebuild your life after divorce, so begin before you divorce -- you may find you can improve your satisfaction with your marriage.

If you do wind up ending a relationship, here's how to get through the divorce in good shape.

Dr. Romance's 5 tips to moving on emotionally after divorce:

1. If you gave it your best shot, and you know it's over, don't waste time in resentment and anger, it's self-destructive. Let go. Do your grieving, cry, journal, and talk about alone, or with a trusted friend. Have a "letting go" ceremony with close friends, and say goodbye to your married life. Put reminders away for a while.

2. Don't hesitate to get therapy to help you through this transition, so you can grieve what's lost (even if you're the one who left, you've lost your hopes and dreams for this marriage) and move your focus on to building a good life in your new circumstance. A professional viewpoint will help you move from past to present, and plan for the future.

3. Take care of yourself financially -- a good lawyer can help you fight for your rights. You'll
feel a lot less resentment if you get your fair share of the assets.

4. This is an important time to have your friends or family around you, you need support. Don't isolate. You don't have to go right out and date again (go slow with that) but you should have a social life with friends and family. Even if you don't think you feel ready to see people, see your closest friends and spend time with them. They'll help you heal, and remind you that you still have people who love you. Spend a lot of time with people you trust.

5. Focus on building your life. This is a great time to try something other than a relationship -- take a class, start a new business or career, get a puppy. Give yourself plenty of time to heal before taking another chance on love.

You can learn the relationship skills you need in How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance's 10 Behaviors to Enhance Your Marriage

Want to make sure your relationship is a success?  Here are ten ways to bring the sparkle back and keep it going.

Dr. Romance's 10 Behaviors to Enhance Your Marriage

1. Talk frequently and honestly to each other --about your frustrations, about sex, about anger, about disappointment, about your appreciation of each other, about the meaning of life, about everything.
2. Strive to work together to solve anything that comes up -- be a team, a partnership. Don't get stuck on who's right or wrong -- focus on what will solve the problem.
3. Keep your connection going -- through communication, sex, affection, understanding and concern for each other.
4. Have a sense of humor, give the benefit of the doubt, care about each other.
5. It's not about who's right or wrong it's about solving the problem together.
6. With listening, caring and the willingness to change, anything in your relationship can be fixed.
7. It's a partnership, stupid! Stop struggling, and learn to work together.
8. Behavior that enhances relationships with people at work, and with your friends, will probably work if you use it with your spouse.
9. What goes around comes around, in love as well as life.
10. Be a grownup, not a little kid.

Adapted from How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free, 4th Edition

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance on Domestic Violence

As a Psychologist, Dr. Romance knows that when we're surrounded by images of violence, it becomes "normalized" and we stop seeing it as unusual.

Anyone who watches the news is becoming aware that we live in a violent society: According to CNN: "33% increase in homicides" in 2020

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV):

• In the United States, more than 10 million adults experience domestic violence annually.
• If each of these adults experienced only once incidence of violence, an adult in the US would experience violence every three seconds. However, because domestic violence is a pattern, many experience repeated acts of abuse annually, so an incident of abuse happens far more frequently than every three seconds.
• in 4 women and 1 in 10 men experience sexual violence, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime with ‘IPV-related impact’ such as being concerned for their safety, PTSD symptoms, injury, or needing victim services
o Approximately 1 in 5 female victims and 1 in 20 male victims need medical care.
o Female victims sustain injuries 3x more often than male victims.
o 1 in 5 female victims and 1 in 9 male victims need legal services.
o 23.2% of women and 13.9% of men have experienced severe physical violence by an
intimate partner during their lifetime.
• From 2016 through 2018 the number of intimate partner violence victimizations in the United States increased 42%.
• On a typical day, domestic violence hotlines nationwide receive over 19,000 calls.
• An abuser’s access to a firearm increases the risk of intimate partner femicide by 400%.
• In 2018, partner violence accounted for 20% of all violent crime.
• Intimate partner violence is most common against women between the ages of 18-24.
• 19% of intimate partner violence involves a weapon.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the financial impact of domestic violence ranges from individual to societal. In fact, they say the lifetime economic cost associated with medical services, lost productivity from paid work, criminal justice, and other costs, was $3.6 trillion.

Hotlines

National Domestic Violence Hotlineexternal icon

• Call 1-800-799-7233 and TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Love Is Respect National Teen Dating Abuse Helplineexternal icon

• Call 1-866-331-9474 or TTY 1-866-331-8453.

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network’s (RAINN) National Sexual Assault Hotlineexternal icon

• Call 800-656-HOPE (4673) to connect with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

• Visit rainn.orgexternal icon to chat one-on-one with a trained RAINN support specialist, any time 24/7.

Resource Centers

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence (NRCDV)external icon is a comprehensive source of information for on domestic violence.

The National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC)external icon provides information, resources, and research on all aspects of sexual violence prevention and intervention.

PreventConnectexternal icon is a national project of the California Coalition Against Sexual Assaultexternal icon. PreventConnect’s goal is to prevent sexual assault and relationship violence by building a community of practice to develop, implement, and evaluate prevention initiatives.

Domestic violence is extremely serious; even verbal violence is serious. It is damaging to adults and also to the children who witness it. However, it doesn't have to be a deal breaker, if the person with the anger and violence issues gets help. When my clients experience violence, I strongly recommend that they get out of the presence of the violent person, right away and at least for the time being. Often, the threat of losing family is the only thing that will break through the narcissism of the violent person. Once that person gets help, acknowledges that he or she is out of control, and learns to control his or her temper and tantrums, then it is possible that the marriage can be saved. Learning self-control is not easy for people who are violent. They often have an exaggerated sense that their anger is not a problem: the other person is the problem. They also are usually psychically wounded from childhood, and this requires some work to resolve.

This is compounded by the victimized spouses or partners, who make excuses for the violence, take the blame, and are afraid to leave.

Domestic Violence -- Top 5 reasons to stay:

1. Your spouse truly recognizes he or she has a problem, and is willing to get help to fix it, and to be accountable for rebuilding trust.
2. You two are going to counseling, and understanding why the violence happened, and how to fix the problems.
3. You're learning how to problem-solve and cooperate as a couple, without fighting or violence.
4. You have a long, shared history, joint finances and children for whom it's worth keeping the marriage together (see #1)
5. You still love each other, and it's clearly mutual.

Top 5 reasons to go:

1. Your spouse is in denial, makes excuses, blames you.
2. You have had it, and no longer feel connected. Be sure this isn't just temporary anger.
3. You are prepared to be on your own.
4. You either have no children, they're grown, or you're certain a divorce will be better for them than what's going on.
5. Your spouse refuses to get help or admit he or she is out of control.

"Family Violence Q & A" can help if there's violence in your family. "Friends in Need: Interventions for Domestic Violence" will show you how to help effectively.

Adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on shared laughter

Dr. Romance writes: A lighthearted approach to serious matters often is the most productive one. Imagine what your days would be like if you focused on having fun and making yourself and your partner laugh. Fun is also good for your health: Telling your partner the cute thing your kid said (or your pet did) or talking about the funny scene in the latest hit movie will lower your blood pressure, calm your pulse and generally help you release a lot of stress. Laughing with your partner is good for your heart, gives you a little bit of aerobic exercise, and reminds both of you about how good you are for each other. Shared laughter also synchs up your emotional rhythms, which makes it easier for you and your partner to feel connected and intimate with each other.

Loving, shared laughter also enhances self- acceptance. The paradox seems to be that having permission for child-like play also gives permission to be responsible and self-accepting. When you don't make nasty jokes or cruel remarks about each other and your love, and make silly ones instead, you can laugh with each other, and feel good about it. It's also difficult to store up resentments against the person in your life who makes it easiest for you to laugh.

Try it and soon you’ll find yourself looking for ways to make each other laugh. Try pushing your partner’s “laugh buttons” and tickling his or her funny bone and you’ll see how much fun it is.

Instead of treasuring old grudges, and hurts, learn to treasure old jokes and funny lines. Shared laughter can evoke an overwhelming feeling of warmth and caring for each other. The endorphins released by mutual humor flows over both of you, and create joy. Humor is the secret in both keeping your love fresh and alive, and in feeling confident that you will not lose your specialness to each other.

The less you struggle, the more you’ll laugh and play. Struggle can become addictive and be used in relationships to structure time; but when you replace the drama of struggle with the delight of humor you can create positive addiction; and a powerful solution for what to do with your time together.

There is a blessing in the joy of shared laughter. Try it: get cartoons or jokes that pop up on your computer every day, share a joke you got via e-mail or talking about the funny scene in the latest hit movie. Laughter will lower your blood pressure, calm your pulse and generally help you and your partner to release a lot of stress.

The benefits of laughter are numerous and the existence of frequent, warm laughter in your relationship indicates that all is going well, and gives you both confidence that problems can be overcome.

If something frustrating is happening, try easing the tension with a bit of humor to change stress to silliness. Don’t poke fun at your mate, but use shared humor as a way to say “I know this is tough, but we’ll get through it.” Your mate will think of you as someone soothing and helpful to have around when problems happen. Won't it be great to represent fun and happiness to each other?

Adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on The Perks of Dating a Divorced Person

Dr. Romance asks:  Should you date someone who is divorced?  Does it mean the person can't commit or trashes relationships?

It's possible that those things are true, but let's look on the positive side.  What are the perks of people who have already been through the mill?

1. Divorced people are no longer living in fantasy land. A person who’s divorced may have made some mistakes, but he or she’s usually got a more realistic picture of what it will take to have a successful relationship.

2. A prior marriage is evidence that your date can commit. As long as the marriage lasted for a while before the divorce, it's proof that our date can make a commitment and follow through.

3. Marriage can educate a person about partnership and how it works. Even though the previous marriage didn’t work, while it lasted, both partners probably learned some valuable things about relating to a partner, (even if it's only what doesn't work) and you’ll be the beneficiary of that wisdom.

4. Your date may have learned how to communicate and cooperate to run a joint life. Many divorced people have become good at cooperation. They have experience sharing finances, children, a home, and coordinating time schedules. These can be great perks.

5. Your date probably understands the positive side of emotional intimacy, and may miss it, which is a great opportunity for you.

6. A divorced person is usually housebroken. he or she knows how to not live like a single person, and how it feels to have a nice, well-kept home, and a full refrigerator.

If your divorced date has children, read "The Challenges of Blended Families"

Adapted from Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance: Does your relationship need a summer cleaning?

 Dr. Romance: tips on cleaning up your marriage:

Over an extended period of time, dust and detritus can accumulate in even the best marriage. Periodic cleaning, to clear out the cobwebs and re-energize your connection, is a great idea. Just like a regular housework schedule, regular weekly talks (I call them State of the Union discussions) keep the problems minor, the resentment level down, and the communication open, so that there is time and space for intimacy.

In a successful, long term relationship, passion becomes a shared sense of humor and goodwill toward each other

1. Learn to negotiate and solve problems together. Generally speaking, men value competency and problem solving. Women value intimacy and emotional connection. Learning successful problem solving ends fighting and power struggles, and therefore leads to more intimacy. She may think he's focused entirely on time, power or money, but what he's really trying to do is create enough security that he can feel safe to let his guard down. He may think she's nagging and bugging him, but what she's trying to do is create a comforting and soothing atmosphere where she can relax and feel connected.

2. Tidy up your intimacy: Regard your face to face time as sacred (it is; it will bless your marriage.) Take time to listen to each other. Touch as often as possible (put your hand on your spouse's leg while driving; give him or her a little squeeze now and then, hug and kiss each other.) Create a cuddling space in front of the television, on the porch swing, in your bedroom, and use it. Intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted. When this feeling is created, barriers fall. Gentle touch, eye contact a gentle sense of humor and the right words all create the atmosphere. Positive comments on your partner's looks or the day's activities positively will also help. Couples disconnect when they don't feel interested in each other any more. To reconnect, make an effort to listen and understand each others’ needs and wants.

3. Like shoring up the foundation of your house for earthquake safety, creating a healthy partnership gives your marriage a solid foundation. The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed. If you really want to restore the marriage, begin not by complaining, but by seeking to understand your partner. Once the connection is there, you can begin to work out the issues.

4. Wash away old resentments and air out grudges: Talk about what's bothering you in a rational way. Ask clearly for what you want, and let your partner know why it's important to you. If you can't find a way to agree, go for a counseling session. Resentment will destroy your marriage: for the price of one session, before the problem gets too large, you can save it.

5. Shine sunlight on and appreciate the beauty in your environment. Let your partner know you appreciate what he or she does, personality traits, (i.e.: his sense of humor, her generosity, his practicality, her hard work) and companionship. The more you praise what you like, the more you'll get of it. We all want to be appreciated. Celebration + appreciation = motivation

Adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]