Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't have the strength to file for divorce

 Dear Dr. Romance,

I have been separated for almost 2 years now but don't have the strength  to file for divorce. In part this is because I feel bad (I decided to  separate because I was unhappy) and he has no immediate family in the US,  but also because of our daughter (her Christmas wish last year was "that mom and dad be together again"). I don't think I love him any more but I  certainly care about him because he is a good person overall. He has  improved a lot but unfortunately I think this came too late to save the  relationship. I think he is still hopeful although he never said anything  (this is part of the problem, he is never pro-active). And it is breaking my heart to know how much my daughter wants us to be together again - I am  worried that I am wrecking her life. What should I do???

Dear Reader:

I'm also worried that you're wrecking your daughter's life for no good reason. It takes work to build a marriage, and it sounds like you just opted out without seeing if you could solve the problems.  "I don't think I love him any more." is not a good excuse for destroying your family.  Long-term marital love must be built -- it doesn't just happen.  If he's a good person, but somewhat passive, and he's already improved, why don't you try improving, too?  Start your new year by re-starting your marriage.  You can show him how to be pro-active. The two of you can get counseling for your marriage, read books, figure out how to work better together.  You have to create your happiness, it doesn't just happen to you.

"Asking for What You Want", "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" and "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" will get you started on rebuilding this marriage. How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will give you a new definition of marriage that is more successful.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: She makes me feel like I'm worthless

Dear Dr. Romance:

I was reading an article that you have written and it caught my attention. I'm in an relationship where the lady is older then me. it started off great then six months later its like reality hit hard, i love this lady so much she makes me feel like I don't have a care in the world. then sometimes she makes me feel like I'm worthless. i think our biggest problems consist of where she has two kids and that I cant provide like I should be able to, she is 26 and I'm 20. please tell me what i should do, your my last life line. thank you and have a blessed day, 

Dear Reader: 
You are both pretty young to be saddled with so much responsibility. Your lady friend is probably stressed about finances, and when she's worried, she takes it out on you.  Your age difference is not too great for your relationship to succeed, but you need to be sure you're acting like an adult, taking as much responsibility as you can, being helpful to her and creating a partnership with her to make it work.  She already has two kids, she doesn't need you acting like a third kid, being needy and demanding her attention.   "Asking for What You Want" and "Stop Reacting and Start Relating"  can help you learn to solve problems without fighting,  How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together is exactly the book you both need to learn how to build a successful relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: My parents do not agree with the relationship at all

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read "Age Differences in Dating". I am 20 and in a mature, very passionate and understanding relationship with a man in his mid forties. I met him at work and we have been together almost a year. My parents do not agree with the relationship at all and have told me they don't want me apart of their family if I stay with him and can never accept it. I was hoping you may have some advice on how to ease the subject on them once more. 

Dear Reader:
Your parents are worried for your well-being and safety, and they probably don't trust a fortysomething old man who'd date a 20 year old. They may have a point.  What they're trying to do is pressure you not to date him, which probably won't work anyway.  Just please be careful, go very slowly in this relationship, and make sure you're not being used.  Once your parents see that the two of you are serious, that he's not a married man who's using you, and that your relationship is aboveboard and honest, they'll probably relax. In the meantime, let them know that you love them, too, and you'll take good care of yourself.  Read my articles "Coping with Critics"  at which will help you deal with your parents, and "Stupid Cupid" which will help you make sure your relationship succeeds.  You'll get a lot of help and support from How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free , which is designed to help any couple create a healthy, successful relationship, even if the people around them disapprove. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: What behavior does a control freak have?

 Dear Dr. Romance:

 I recently read "Could He/She be a Control Freak?"   and I suddenly  found information that seemed to pertain to a failed marriage that I was still pondering about.  I am wondering, if a person had a chaotic  childhood and teens growing up, like you mentioned, do those types of people blame others for things?   Do they say the other person is the controller?  Do they not see any responsibility on their part for things   and only blame others?  Could they easily become upset and lock themselves in their room and maybe not speak to you for a day or so?
 
 Just curious about the types of behaviors control freaks may have.

 Dear Reader:

Yes, these actions sound like the survivor of a chaotic childhood.  For this person, it's really important to blame someone else, to deflect the ensuing storm from him-or herself.  The problem with this person is, the traumatized child from the past is still running the show.  At the least upset, the person reverts to early childhood, and reacts in the same way he or she did then.

Because the early trauma is not resolved or healed, the person lives as though the childhood chaos could come back at any minute. Thus, the traumatized person tries to control the environment (including others in proximity,)  is hyper-vigilant (ultra alert for impending doom) and emotionally over-reactive.  "Mirrors and Teachers" shows you a simple way to handle these people better, "Self Control: Who’s in Charge Here?" explains the difference between controlling others and yourself.   It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction,  will explain controlling and other types of dysfunction  more thoroughly, and is designed to help heal early trauma. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected] 

Dear Dr. Romance: I do not feel like having sex

Dear Dr. Romance:

How are you ? I read your article "Is Dating Scary? Here’s what to do"

I have a question. I am separated since three years and seems like will get divorce in 3 to 4 months. I have a 3 year old kid and my delivery involved 4th degree tear with perineal tear.

My face and figure is still beautiful but Now I have stretch marks on hips breast and I have this low-esteem as I have bit of urine leakage now and then as an after affect of 4th degree tear . Also my vagina looks weird and feels  loose.

I do not feel confident about new relationship . I feel insecure and feel like no one will love me. I do not feel like having sex. 

In short I am deliberately not looking for new relationship as do not want to get hurt. Any suggestions?

Dear Reader:

You are not a kid any more, so you need to look for a more grown-up relationship.  You need someone who will be a good match for a grown woman with a child.  Start by making adult friends.  Join groups of parents with children, or join a community organization.  There you'll make friends who care about you, not because you're beautiful, but because you're a caring human being.  Before long, someone will stand out as special, and also think you are special.  You will already know something about this person, from being around him for a while at the group, so it will be easier to establish a connection.  "10 Reasons For Not Falling in Love" "Where is love", "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" and "True Beauty: Honor the God or Goddess in You"  will help you overcome your reluctance to get to know new people and find the love you want.  The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will show you how to re-evaluate your self-image and your life.

Your vaginal problems may be correctible with medical help.  Please ask your doctor.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Is quitting the right thing to do?

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I need your advice. at my workplace when I was hired one of the colleague asked me what is your age I remember casually I said I am 38 ,I did not even had a hint of what was going on. after a month people were celebrating some bodies birthday and then I came to know that they write every bodies age on a calendar and they celebrate the milestone(10's) ,that sent me into spin; now this year as per calendar I am 40 but really 41 and some how I happen to avoid the celebration and took vacation but when I came back right after 2 weeks I was surprised they arranged my 40th ,I am feeling so embarrassed and hurt you don't have a imagination, I had no idea a casual answer will land me into this situation, now I don't feel like eating or going to work neither I want to quit this job, this is vey good job. people can really see the disappointment on my face also It is not easy to admit this  stupidity it really will hurt my image what do you suggest to help me. I am very down to earth, humble person. I have learnt my lesson. Is there any way out of this mess, is quitting is right thing to do?
 
Dear Reader:

I understand that you are embarrassed that you said you were one year younger than you are, but I don't see why it's such a big problem.  What is hurtful about this? You're making a very big deal out of a small problem.  Either decide to tell the person who arranges the birthday celebrations that the date is off by one year, or let it go.  It will be nine more years before the topic comes up again, and you might not even be there.  It's only a mistake, not a crime.  Of course it's not necessary to quit your job.  It's up to you whether you correct the mistake or not.  No one will be upset.  Please read my article "Your Primary Relationship"  which will help you to take better care of yourself.

You might also like It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction which will help you understand how you got so self-conscious, and build your self esteem. 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth will help you improve your happiness and build your self-worth.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I've been going crazy this past week and I needed help.

 Dear Dr. Romance:
   I've been going crazy this past week and I needed help.  I won't tell you my life story but I just wanted to tell you that the Tips for Happiness articles on your page gave me a lot of the tools I KNEW I needed.  The problem is that I've had that "internal war" [ see: "Winning the War Within"] you described going on and I haven't been able to figure out where to start to get myself better. Anyhow, there's too much to explain and I'm sure you're a busy woman, I just wanted to send you a quick and huge THANK YOU for putting your wisdom out there for everyone to benefit from. God Bless you.

Dear Reader:

Many thanks for writing.  It's good to hear that my writing has been helpful to you. You might want to try reading  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction.  It will help you control the chaos in your life and understand why you're at war with yourself, and what to do about it.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I am determined to make a better life for myself no matter what happens to my marriage

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I happen to be going through an extremely difficult time in my life right now.  My husband was unfaithful during the time that I was "absent" from the marriage due to my mother dying from brain cancer.  Of course, there were problems long before this and this was just a major symptom of our problems.  We are trying to work it out, but we are two people with problems of our own as well as our joint problems.  We are both in individual therapy as well as couples therapy, but I am always open to other points of view.  I am struggling with self-esteem, self-confidence issues  right now, so I am anxious to read your book It Ends With You 

I am determined to make a better life for myself no matter what happens to my marriage...easier said than done....and I need all the help I can get.  I'm sure I will be reading your books and visiting your website often. 

Thank your for all your efforts to help people like me.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you had to experience the loss of your mother.  Congratulations on deciding to make your life work despite what anyone else does. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction is just the right book to help you. The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will help you reorganize your life and reestablish your priorities.

"Letting Go Takes Love" and "Why Couples Fall Out Of Love"  will help you find better balance in your relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I have been hit, controlled and manuipulated (by husband and in-laws)

Dear Dr. Romance: I am writing to you for some advice... I hope you can help.

I am the mother of 5 children, in my mid-thirties, and married for about 10 years. I have been abused for years. People I know tell me to fix my marriage that "You could've handled this better or that." I don't know.
That I have 5 children "why didn't you do something sooner? You're chances of finding another man will be basically 15% with 5 and that's keeping hopes high." So my mind is in shambles. I have been hit, controlled and manipulated (by husband and in-laws) since the first year of marriage ...I never told my family until a few years ago, when I ran away from him. I went back my family and i believed he was sincere in change....the change that occurred was the beatings stopped and I had a little more freedom. But he was not happy he felt taken advantage of (ex. if I went to buy milk or food more than twice a week at the big food store.) But we still had fights at least 3x a month. We are very similar but for some reason he places limitations on what i can or cannot do, or what i can say or think. He drives me crazy. Now after another 8 years I can't handle it anymore. He has begun to hit me again besides the constant put downs. I let him take me from the USA to Israel which was a big mistake on my part. I don't know what to do. I haven't worked since I was 18 . I have 5 children, one of whom (4 y) doesn't want to be with me and is with his father. I need help figuring this out. Sometimes I even consider going back. His father keeps telling me to go back. I know I won't be happy. Please help me out.

Dear Reader:

 Please don't go back to a man who beats and abuses you.  I agree that Israel was a big mistake on your part.  You haven't been thinking clearly or making good decisions for a long time. Your husband does not love you, he doesn't want a wife, he wants a slave.  He probably learned it from his father, so don't take his father's advice.  Will your family help you get back to the states?  You don't say how old your children are. I'm assuming, from the length of your marriage, most of them are in grade school.  You'll need help to get free. 

If you can get back to the states, you can call the  The National Domestic Violence Hotline  (1-800-799-SAFE)  , and go with your children to a woman's shelter.  There, you can get training in earning a living, and help taking care of your children. Israel may have something similar.   It's not going to be easy, but what you've been going through is not easy either.  Every day that you stay, your children are learning to be abusive like their father, or abused like you. 

If you manage to get away from him, he will promise to change, but don't believe him unless he goes to extensive therapy.  Once you get away, stay away for at least a year, no matter what he says.  In a year, you'll be able to see if he changes for real.  I don't think he will.  He's taken you to Israel so he can have more control.  Talk to your family, get them to help you come over here, (you can say it's just for a visit to your children's grandparents) and make a plan to get into a woman's shelter, so you don't have to be dependent on your family. Your family can also contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE)   to find out how to best help you.   "Family Violence Q & A"  tells you how to take care of yourself and your children. 

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will explain how violence and dysfunction are passed down in families and cultures and how to recover from it.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: he's a drug dealer and she says that's why she loves him.

Dear Dr. Romance:

My wife and I have been married for 17 yrs and we have a 14 yr old  daughter. My wife has stated to me that she is unhappily married and wants her own place.   I recently found hotel receipts, 1 day vacation cruise receipt, and  Facebook photos of my wife and her mate.

I am devastated, hurt, feel betrayed, angry. I do not really know what to  do as of now. She stated she wants a divorce and individual counseling for herself only.  Also, She stated she currently has strong feelings for the guy and she love him.

The guy is married and he have 1 additional girlfriend and my wife know of it. Most of all he's a drug dealer and she say that's why she love him. Can you please help me? I feel like a reject

Dear Reader:

It seems pretty obvious to me that your wife has a drug addiction, and that's what made her drug dealer look good to her. I hope your daughter will be staying with you, if her mother is on drugs.  I don't know where you live, but you should find an Al-Anon meeting and attend -- it's for the spouses of addicts.  You can find one at http://www.al-anon.org/

If I am right, and your wife is addicted, then all her thinking and choices are affected by the addiction.  Blaming yourself is not productive. What you need to focus on is building a good life for yourself and your daughter.  Hopefully, your wife will get help, come to her senses, get clean and sober, and come back, but you can't wait for that to happen. "Letting Go Takes Love"  and "Mirrors and Teachers" will help you find some clarity. The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs will help you understand how addiction works, and what your wife would need to do to get free of drugs.  Good luck to you and your daughter. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I love her but I can't understand why she doesn't trust me

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I want to get your book How to Be Happy Partners because I heard great things about it.  I am a retired police officer who has never abused alcohol or been violent. Everyone but my wife says I have a great sense of humor.  I have 3 beautiful kids that I love and adore with all my heart. I love going places and doing things with the family since I retired and am being Mr. Mom. I unfortunately have a controlling lovely wife who I just can't deal with anymore. I love her but I can't understand why she doesn't trust me after 10 years of marriage.  If I get up in the middle of the night, she questions where I'm going. I tell her I'm going to France to use the bathroom and will be back in a few minutes. She's a nurse and I recently found her in an "Emotional Affair" with a doctor who is also Married. She was staying out late and one night I overheard her cell phone conversation.

I never confirmed this as being anything more then just an emotional affair, but it has affected me to the point that I want out.  I have never cheated on my wife but she has thrown stuff in my face about other women. I'm home with the kids all the time, cook, clean, drive the kids to dance, girl scouts, church etc., filling in as the mom, but it's never enough. Every time I leave the house I get questioned. 

Does she not trust me because I caught her and she is afraid I will do the same or even up the sides?   My kids are my life.  When we married we made a pledge that it was for life and no divorce was to ever happen.  I went to counseling for answers and she only went once with me. Our marriage  is not that important to my wife anymore. We are very lucky to not have financial problems.  I don't like to air my dirty laundry to my family because I don't want to hear them talk bad about my wife and the mother of my children and just don't know where to turn to. My friends will tell me "why do you put up with it?" and all I think about is my kids.     

Dear Reader:

Yes, your wife may be controlling you because of her own guilt. Perhaps she thinks you love the kids, but not her.   I understand that you're hurt and angry and you feel betrayed, but you have a family that is probably worth fighting for.  Why not try a different counselor to see if you can heal this problem and save your family.  Find a counselor who specializes in marriage counseling and healing from an affair.  Then, be upfront with your wife, and say if things don't improve, and she won't come to counseling with you, the marriage will wind up in divorce. She probably doesn't want that any more than you do.
 
It's clear you're very involved with your kids, but I wonder how the relationship and intimacy with your wife is going.  Perhaps she feels she can't talk to you, just as you feel you can't talk to her.  With some expert help, you can learn to talk to each other.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a counselor who can really help you, who will give you homework and put both of you on the spot when you're creating problems.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will help both of you re-connect and can teach you how to rebuild your marriage.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance; I am not sure if I should tell him how I feel.

Dear Dr. Romance

Five months ago  I started talking to a guy whom I had known at school many years ago. We are now adults. He is not married, both of us have never been married. We spent a weekend together just as old friends. Went walking, beach, dinner, shared the same room.

We talk to each other from time to time but on general issues. We chat on the phone or online. He had dinner three times at my house.  He is a hard working person. Spends a lot of time at the office. I do want to have a relationship with him. But I am not sure if I should tell him how I feel.

He knows that I am independent financially and have my own house.......... not sure if that may scare him.  He is a very decent and intelligent guy, and at my age I don't think I would find someone like him easily. But I am afraid if I tell him, then it would affect our friendship. Any advice would be appreciated.

Dear Reader:

Yes, I think you should tell him, but in small bits, not all at once.  Take your time, let the relationship build, and let him know how much you like spending time with him.  Don't be too eager, give him a little space, make him come after you a little bit.    "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  and "Guidelines for Relating With Love"  will help you move through the stages of dating and beginning a relationship. 

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you navigate the transition from friends to partners.

As things develop, read How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free together to develop a shared definition for your relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm scared to death of being alone

Dear Dr. Romance:
I just wanted to let you know that "Learn to See Through the Eyes of Love" was so insightful and revealing to me about my youngest daughter and myself. I have Spina Bifida and I am currently going through a divorce after 17 years of marriage (I mourn the loss of the marriage not my husband).  I am 43 and I am scared to death of being alone - I wonder if I will be accepted by anyone else - yes I have a good mind and I am charming and am able to make friends.....but.... Anyhow I now understand why my youngest clings to her stuffed animals and  I understand why I cling to the material things I 'love' ie:  Limoges  porcelain, antiques etc...  I always thought it was solely based on  appreciation but I always knew it was more - now I understand!  Thank you for putting these insightful articles on the web.

 Dear Reader:

Thanks so much for your inspiring response to my article.  I'm so glad you found it helpful.  Your courage and insight are moving.  I do think there is love in this world for everyone who is open to it.  You will be OK.  Read my articles "Where is Love?"; "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" and "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" for some ideas.   The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty  will give you  good insight in how to negotiate big life changes.

 
For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: because of him I know what true love feels like

Dear Dr. Romance:

I was in a beautiful meaningful relationship that led to a too brief but wonderful marriage until tragedy struck and my husband died two years ago. I rejoined the dating world nine months ago and am having a difficult time finding someone who can measure up to my standards. My late husband was handsome, funny, sensitive, romantic, trusting honest, caring, and was my best friend. It is because of him that I know what true love feels like. Counseling has taught me not to compare others to him. What would you suggest?

Dear Reader: 

I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm glad you've learned not to compare others to him. It's too easy to bestow sainthood on a person who has passed, and no real human can live up to it. You're just coming out of your grief and emotional shock, so take your time. Focus on making friends and getting to know new people; not on finding a "replacement" for the person you lost. He'll never be replaced, but you can try a whole new thing with a different person. In Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today   I recommend having a "beginner's mind" (a Zen Buddhist concept), which means being willing to start from scratch, allow yourself to feel awkward and new at this.  "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" and  "Where is Love" will give you more information about being safe and  dating successfully.

Seek to learn, to experience, and regard it as a new adventure. Don't compare it to anything you've done before. You've been through a life-changing experience, and you're a whole new person now, so approach it that way. You'll learn about yourself as well as others, and eventually you'll find happiness.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I am afraid if I tell him, it would affect our friendship

Dear Dr. Romance

Five months ago I started talking to a guy whom I had known at school many years ago. We are now adults. He is not married, both of us have never been married. We spent a weekend together just as old friends. Went walking, beach, dinner, share the same room.

We talk to each other from time to time but on general issues. We chat on the phone or online. He had dinner three times at my house.  He is a hard working person. Spends a lot of time at the office. I do want to have a relationship with him. But I am not sure if I should tell him how I feel. He knows that I am independent financially and have my own house...not sure if that may scare him.

He is a very decent and intelligent guy, and at my age I don't think I would find someone like him easily. But I am afraid if I tell him, then it would affect our friendship.  Any advice would be appreciated.

Dear Reader:

Yes, I think you should tell him, but in small bits, not all at once. Take your time, let the relationship build, and let him know how much you like spending time with him. Don't be too eager, give him a little space, make him come after you a little bit. Try reading my articles, "Guidelines for Successful Dating"; Dating: The Fine Art of “Squirrel Hunting” and "Guidelines for Relating With Love"  which will help you understand how the relationship is supposed to develop.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together has a lot of helpful exercises and information to teach you how to communicate intimately with someone.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

  

 

Dear Dr. Romance: "a lack of empathy that excludes intimacy"

Dear Dr. Romance:

 What I have read on your site is interesting - may I ask you to comment on one point?
 
In his book 'Shyness' Philip Zimbardo states " It is as if the ego were set adrift in a paper boat, aware that a storm is brewing just over the horizon." Therefore we have the 'dread' that non-shys don't feel and don't understand but try to help with compliments etc - which are nice but useless. This 'dread' is an internal abyss unseen and unseeable and inexplicable to non-shys whose childhood was different - we, the truly shy feel the terror of absence of ego and the anarchy of the Id as well as the overpowering judgements of the superego. We have a lack of empathy that excludes intimacy and dictates a lifetime of superficial living.
 
I would be grateful if you could respond. 

Dear Reader:
What your author describes, I call autophobia: the fear of self. Unfortunately, when you're afraid  of your own feelings and thoughts you also become afraid of others and their response to you, so you're trapped. "Resolving Inner Anarchy,"  "Your Bestest Friend - You" , "Do You Understand Emotional Intelligence", and Your Inner Detective will help you understand this issue more fully.   It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  is very helpful for understanding and overcoming autophobia.  My newest book, 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth is a prompt-and-response recreation of how I help people with problems like yours.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I've had almost 200 dates, what am I doing wrong?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been dating on the Internet for three years, and I've had almost 200 dates. The problem is that I hardly ever get a second date. I'm also finding that every guy I go out with has no interest in me at all, even friendship. I am confused because I am successful, attractive, outgoing, and very easygoing. I try to make my date feel comfortable with conversation and I ask questions about him. I like to at least make them laugh. I've even had a friend go to the same restaurant and sit behind me and see if they could figure out what I might be doing wrong. 

Dear Reader:

I doubt if you're doing anything wrong, per se. It's probably more a case of mistaken identity. It  interests me that you'd say guys you go out with have no interest in you at all; do you mean they're only interested in sex? They must have something in mind to go out in the first place. There are several possibilities here; perhaps your profile doesn't reflect what the man finds when he actually meets you. Or, perhaps you're expecting too much from the first date, and your disappointment shows. Or, maybe you put too much emphasis on wanting a relationship, and scare them off. Here's a thought: instead of going out on the traditional date, invite the next man to go along with you and some of your friends to lunch or a movie, a sporting event or even an art gallery or museum. The group energy will take the pressure off dating, and give you a chance to get to see each other interact with other people. 

"Getting to Yes" ; Dating: The Fine Art of “Squirrel Hunting”; and "Turn on Your Charm"  will give you a different perspective on dating, and help you check out your interaction with your new dates, and Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today can show you other ways to make dating fun, successful and safe.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Will an online date app lead to marriage?

Dear Dr. Romance:

How realistic is it for a woman over 40 to expect an online date app to lead to marriage? --
 

Dear Reader:

 It's not realistic for anyone to expect an online date app will lead to marriage, but if you know what you're doing, it is possible to find a spouse via dating someone you met online. Just keep in mind that it's a big, anonymous world, and get to know your potential date face-to-face as soon as possible. Understand that it will take a few months just to find out if the person you're dating has real potential. Go slowly -- it takes time to develop a healthy relationship.

While you're figuring that out, try not to get caught up in the excitement of it all, and keep your wits about you. Pay attention to what your new friend is saying about himself, how well he hears what you are saying, and look for clues to character. Your job in the dating game is to figure out if the other person is the right kind of person for you. Watch for clues about how he handles money, whether the two of you can disagree and work it out, and, if he has to be right about everything... find someone else!

Dr. Romance's 3 tips for finding new love

For a while after a relationship ends, you may not feel like considering a new relationship, which is probably good. Jumping right from one relationship to another usually doesn't work. A relationship that follows too quickly is called a 'rebound' relationship because it's often a bad choice. Because you haven't had enough time to process your feelings, or to learn from your mistakes, your judgment will be off.

Once you have had some time to recover, however, the following tips will help you to find a successful new love.

1. Get a life: Even before you're ready to risk a new relationship, you can begin to get out and do things that interest you. Make your life as fun and social as you can without a relationship. Create a social network by joining groups who are doing things that interest you. If your life is full of activities you really enjoy, you'll be more successful at finding a successful relationship.

2. Look for friends: Looking for love is a big waste of time: singles' activities, online dating sites and bars are all riddled with problems, and take you in the wrong direction. Now that you've developed a life full of social connections, seek to make friends. You'll get to know all kinds of people, and out of these people someone will soon stand out, and you'll have the advantage of already knowing each other before you decide you want to date.

3. Pay attention: Meeting your new love by making friends who share the same interests gives you a great opportunity to observe the character of the person before you declare your interest. 

 "Dating; The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" and "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will take you through the basic steps of dating. "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" and "Is Dating Scary? Here’s what to do" will show you how to be safe and find a good guy to date.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today contains information and exercises that will help you find out who your date really is, and whether you can make it together.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I think you are really on to something

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read your article "Emotions as Weather". I'm glad to hear someone is talking about this subject out there. I began noticing this phenomenon when I started living communally. Feelings would chase around a room much in the same way a yawn might migrate around a commuter bus in the morning.

We have, particularly in western culture, a way of overemphasizing the boundaries of individuality. There really is a balance in life to be struck between existence and connection. Concieving of emotions as weather patterns takes much of the burden (dare i say 'wind') out of overpersonalizing feelings. One can be angry or going through some anger.

I have become a professional investor and in so doing, have learned how important it is to be able to observe the emotions driving markets and myself. I have suffered greatly as many do watching charts, not knowing why I was feeling so strongly about this or that stock. In the beginning I got quite sick to my stomach actually. Now what I ask myself is 'am I in synch with what others are feeling out there right now?' Sometimes just listening to my stomach is all I need to do to realize I am giving too much power to uncontrollable events. I've developed strategies based on a mistrust of my own sense of paranoia and overconfidence. I have created communities on online contests (including my own), in order to participate in the greater experience of the weather. My results are simply incredible.

We are in different fields, but I think you are really on to something and should pursue it diligently. There is a spiritual basis there that may still be undiscovered.

Dear Reader:

Thanks for your insight.  I'm happy to get your thoughtful response.  It sounds as if you're learning to ride the ups and downs of the market, which is a great skill to have these days.  We are indeed thinking along the same lines. "Attitude Adjustment"; "Autonomy vs Dependency;"  "Weaving the Web" and "Creating Connections: Draw Them In"  and , It Ends With You: Grow up and Out of Dysfunction will all help you understand more about emotional ups and downs and how to understand what motivates people.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: The parents are the problem

Dear Dr. Romance:

Wow! I was going to check my mail and "Age Differences in Dating" popped up.  I am dating a younger guy, he pursued me. after first I had doubts about us talking because of our age difference but he kept on insisting that age was just a number. But then came to find out his father is my boss.   I told him it would be best if he told his dad about us instead of hearing it from other people. We both work for the same company.  He  sat down and talked to his dad about me and because of our age difference he stopped seeing me.  6 months later after going thru ups and downs of missing him and seeing him at work he paged me asking me was I going to keep ignoring him and not speaking  so behind his parents' back we are still seeing each other.

I know he has a lot to deal with at home his mom  bipolar.  I been with him for a long time now dealing with all of his mood swings. I even suggested maybe he needs to explore or be with other women his age but he said no. I offered to give him space he even said no to that. I wish we can spend more time together and go out more but now his parents question his whereabouts.  I don't know what to do. My feelings for him have grown to loving him and being patient with our situation.  We don't want to call it off. Can you please help me out?

I would like for his parents to accept our relationship but they are not aware that he chose to keep seeing me without them knowing. We have agreed to take our relationship slow and take it day by day.

Dear Reader:

It sounds as if you two are doing OK, it's the parents that are a problem.  You haven't told me his  age or yours, but as long as he is an adult, I don't think his parents have a right to interfere.  I recommend that you stop worrying and just enjoy what you have, for as long as you have it. 

If  his dad is your boss, then you're jeopardizing your job, so why not find another job, so you can date openly?  Try not to create any extra drama with his parents. In my experience, once they know they can't change their son's decision, the parents will most likely come around.   "Coping with Critics" will help you learn to deal with his parents and others who disapprove.  "Creating Family Acceptance" shows both of you how to connect with his family.   "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship?" helps you keep your relationship healthy.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  contains exercises and information that will help your partner and you understand better why he has trouble standing up for himself and you.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will help you create a loving relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: He has hurt me deep inside me

Dear Dr. Romance,

I feel really depressed I can't forget this man, he is always in my mind, I've tried everything, it seems it's useless because he is always there! when I think about him, tears come from my eyes, and I can't help it :(

He has hurt me deep inside me, 2 months ago, I've text him telling him that I wanted attention from him and he cursed at me, it was really awful, he told me  " u think that the earth revolves around you? f***k, don't call me again!)  he knows that I love him but he doesn't want to give no chance at all . I've tried my best and he wouldn't make any effort for that reason.

I don't deserve this kind of treatment specially from him, I don't know what's wrong with him... maybe it's my fault?  Most of the time I say, that he ain't good for any kind of relationship, and that I deserve someone better, but then good memories come back and I become depressed it's like a vicious circle, I want to be able to make changes, to forget him, to live again, there are so many fish out there, hahaha Anyway since 2 months I cut any kind of relation with him, I've even change my number so he doesn't call me back, he knows where I work thought I hope he never appears into my job. I don't think he will.

Dear Reader:

I think you already know what I'm going to say.  This man is not interested in you.  Loving him is not enough, and it's not good for you.  He's been very clear; and I'm glad you've cut off any contact. You are obsessed with him, but obsession is not the same as love.   "Letting Go Takes Love" and "You Be the Judge" will help you revise your idea of what love is.   No one is going to love you because you suffer.  Instead, you need to learn to love yourself more, and treat yourself with more respect.  Then, someone will be able to love you.  Yes, there are many fish out there, but as long as you are fixated on this man, you won't see them.  Have a "letting go" ceremony.  Burn a picture of Jason, and say goodbye.

Build a life as a single woman, and put your energy there.  When you have created a support network of friends, your new, true love will come from that.   

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  will teach you more about independence and taking care of yourself.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will show you how to find a healthy relationship.

  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: He's extremely jealous

Dear Dr. Romance:   

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 10 months now. We have a really close relationship and have already made promises about moving in with each other next year, getting married and having children. The problem is that sometimes i feel like i couldn't be with him for the rest of my life. He's extremely jealous, has a really short temper, If I don't spend enough time in a day with him he gets extremely upset and if I go out he gets angry because he's also extremely insecure. When he acts like this I don't call him for a couple of hours and eventually he calls me and acts like I did something wrong. Then finally he acts like it never happened.  I really love him I really do I just want to know if this love is worth dealing with these behaviors forever. 

Dear Reader:

You're right to worry.  Your boyfriend is emotionally immature, and cannot control his anger and jealousy.   This is the pattern of a stalker, and possibly even a violent man, if he doesn't get help to get his anger under control.   

These are the signs of emotional blackmail:
1. A demand.  He won’t take “no” for an answer, and requests are really demands.
2. Resistance.  When every discussion turns into an argument.
3. Pressure.  He pressures you to go along.
4. Threats.  He uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to end the relationship, tears, rage, badgering.

He's trying to control you with temper tantrums.  The more control he gets (for example, when you live together, get married, and have children,) the worse his tantrums will get.  He's not doing it on purpose, he's out of control -- which is far more dangerous.  Talking to him won't persuade him to change.  You're in grave danger of being abused, and so will your children be.  You need to insist that he get himself into an anger management program BEFORE you move in with him, marry him, or have children with him.  Otherwise, you'll be a prisoner in your own house.  You've seen all the stories on the news about men who are charming and sweet in public, or when they want something, and then rageful and abusive when you're alone with them.  Don't fall for his charming side -- make sure he gets help.
You cannot help him.  Go to the National Domestic Violence Hotline Website  and read the information.  You can find help for yourself and for him there.

I'm so glad you're thinking about this -- please don't fall into this trap. Read "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship"   "Setting Boundaries and Saying No"  and "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" Get help for yourself, whether your boyfriend wants to go or not. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Ed will teach you how to create a safe and fulfilling relationship with a more caring person.

    

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Today I feel I'm losing my mind

Dear Dr. Romance:

Today I feel I'm losing my mind.

I'm in my mid-forties, from an upper class family. A few years ago, my father passed away suddenly, and at the same time I was  separated from my husband. Several months  after my Dad died I was divorced. No children. I  wanted the divorce. Two years later, I met my current boyfriend. He is a racial mix of black white and  a little Native American. Our relationship was very rocky the first year. Now things are better with us but my Mother is making me feel  terrible because of the racial differences and she utilizes every opportunity to scare me. She says that if I marry him and we have a child, it will be a black child no matter what; even if it looks white white white it will STILL be black, and she will feel sorry for the child, and that child will never fit in anywhere, and I am being selfish. On top of this, I'm still not sure my boyfriend is right for me. I love him and care about him but am not sure anymore if I want to marry him. He  has rented out his condo and is now living with me so I feel "stuck."

I'm also feeling guilty for divorcing my ex-husband. He and I are very good friends; we almost have a sibling-type relationship. I am more comfortable with him then with my boyfriend  and he is much easier to get along with then my boyfriend. But my marriage was passionless (on his part) and we had many financial difficulties.

The reason I'm writing to you is I give up on trying to come to a decision on my own. It seems that ever since my Dad died I have not made one good decision; actually I haven't made any decisions, I seem to just let life happen. I'm out  of control.  I think I need to find a therapist who knows the  difficulties of interracial relationships.

Dear Reader:

I'm glad you're seeking counseling -- it's important for you to know your own mind before you make any more important decisions.  Sex feels great, I know, but it is definitely not enough to carry a relationship.  Your mother's concern is partly bigotry, and partly truth.  Depending on your community's standards, and the racial mix there, your children may indeed feel isolated and experience problems.  In a racially mixed community, they would probably fit right in and have an easier time. 

It is not the racial mix that concerns me, but the fact that you don't seem to get along very well.  This is the point at which things should be smooth and easy in your relationship.  Once you marry, have children and share family expenses, the pressure  factor goes up.  You don't mention how well the two of you are doing financially, but it sounds as if you're doing OK, so the biggest problem is how you get along.  You'll never be comfortable or happy in any marriage until you gain more self-esteem, so you can stand up for yourself and meet your partner as an equal.  There should be no reason to feel  "stuck" with someone you don't want to be with, or to marry him if you're not sure.  I agree that finding a counselor is a good idea -- not only for this relationship, but also for your grief about your father. 

The best way to find a counselor who is racially aware is to find someone who works in an ethnically mixed area, that person should know about your issues.  Read "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  to search for one, and "Stupid Cupid" for help in figuring out if this relationship has what it takes.  My books, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together  and How to Be a Couple and Still be Free will teach you interracial relationship skills, including problem solving and communication.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I feel very unfairly treated

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am still devastated, trying to understand what happened to my boyfriend. I met him in June at a party (he was the brother of a close friend of mine); a month later we met I had to depart for 3 months abroad for professional reasons, but we developed a very close relationship during the month we dated, he introduced me to his parents, we spent a lot of time together and he expressed his desire to wait for this time and even he said we would meet before my return for two weeks on holiday. He talked about future, family...and that he loved me. During the three months I was away he phoned me three times a week and we dialogued via email daily like a normal couple. During all these months, he was always loving and caring. I fully trusted him.

Two weeks before our meeting (two months and a half later) he asked me to book a flight to meet up for a holiday (just about the end of my stay abroad). A week before meeting him, he phoned saying that he did not wish to meet up, that he had been deluding himself (two days before this call, he was saying how much he missed me and was longing to be  together). I was shocked and devastated at such a sudden and unexpected reaction, I could not understand what had so suddenly happened to him, I was left with a ticket to be thrown away, without much explanations, he never came after my return to apologies or give me a proper explanation; instead he basically said 'it was unfortunate that I had to leave when I did, still that's life'. It was not only abandoned in such an unacceptable and insensitive way, but his words reveal I was the one to be blamed if the relationship did not survive as I was the one who initially left (Now he has left me with this feeling that I should have never left, even if that meant to sacrifice a professional achievement). I have been trying to understand what had truly happened, but I cannot reach a logical explanation; his brother never helped me to understand what had really happened, after my return he never mentioned anything regarding his brother and me, his attitude was like his brother and I would have never met. I asked him for an explanation, but he was rather defensive, and he said he did not know anything, (but I know they are close). I would sincerely appreciate if you can shed some clarity and objectivity on this, as I feel very unfairly treated and deeply saddened to move on in peace; it is beyond my rational understanding what really happened to my boyfriend in such a sudden way. Many thanks for your attention and time.

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry this happened to you -- I know how disturbing it can be, to be cut off without a word like that. However, you need to consider this a benefit -- you have been saved from being committed to a selfish, inconsiderate and uncommunicative partner.

Your relationship never really had a chance, because it progressed too fast to develop an infrastructure: the trust, teamwork and basic necessities for building a relationship. In the future, you can avoid being so hurt by going much slower, taking enough time to find out if your prospective partner is trustworthy. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you avoid falling into this trap again.

Please don't waste any more time trying to get answers from this man and his brother. There are no truthful answers you can get. Either he got cold feet, he didn't mean what you thought, or he's met someone else. The answer you have gotten is that he's not a good candidate for a commitment; with you or anyone else.

Accept it, grieve, "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" will help you move on; next time, more cautiously, and you'll be more successful.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I love my son and this is killing me

Dear Dr. Romance:

   I just read your "Age Differences in Dating". I would like your take on a situation and hope you will have time to reply. My son is a bright guy with a good job. he has lead a pretty uneventful sheltered life - he has 4 years of college has had 2 serious girlfriends - one short term one long term. He really has not had many " life experiences" He has always been hesitant to do new things.

Now he met a women at work who is 14 years older, and has her masters and a good position in the company. To be honest without any other issues I would be wary but could probably get beyond the age factor if they were good together. However she also comes with a divorce, followed by a second marriage.

Her second husband was bipolar and committed suicide. She has 2 grade-school age boys. They had only been dating a couple of months when he started " sleeping over" about 4 nights/week. I consider myself a pretty open minded person. (he is one of 2 sons and my younger son has lived with a girlfriend which I was ok with) I don't think I am "old fashioned" as he tells me!

I have major problems with this relationship - first with all her life experiences how can they be on the same page. Second I have a huge problem in how she has been as a mother. How can anyone think it is possibly ok to bring around a guy to sleep over after what those kids have been through let alone someone his age. I have major concerns about her character and judgment. I love my son and this is killing me.

Normally my mode with both boys is to stay out of their love lives. We have both aired our views on this to one another and have agreed to disagree. As imperfect as this is we have tried to maintain a relationship and leave her out of it. Its not working too well.

My husband and I encouraged him to move into his own place (which he did) as part of the growing up process and frankly so we didn't have to be aware of all his comings and goings. We were glad he did not move in with her. I really think because he has always been " scared on new experiences - this is " safe " for him. Women his own age are still trying to figure life out and that to him is probably unsettling. This has been going on for a year. very unlike me - I have not been able to meet her for fear that I would scratch her eyeballs out! I have never written a letter like this - but I am beside myself. Thanks for the chance to vent and hopefully get your perspective Help!

Dear Reader:

I certainly understand your concern, but your son is an adult, and he has the right to make his own mistakes. Rather than judge the lady he's with, keep her close, so if there's a problem, you'll see it.  Your son may learn a lot from this relationship, and as long as it's caring and not abusive, let them be.  If they had asked me, I would have advised them not to let her children know they were sleeping together, but you should keep those opinions to yourself.   "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship" should give you some clarity.

"Guidelines for Dating as a Single Parent" might be helpful to show to your son, but let the negative opinions be mine, not yours.  Don't push either your son or his love away.   It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand how to be helpful to your son.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: his friend will always come first

Dear Dr. Romance:

Recently my boyfriend had to help a male friend who was going thru marital problems. The friend was moving out and needed a place to stay. As a result all of our plans were put off in order to offer support for his friend. This of course was fine until dates (plural) had to be cancelled in order to help said friend. I was understanding at first, but when more than one date had to be cancelled among phone calls being non-existent, I had enough. After talking to my boyfriend he basically stated that his friend will always come first, which upset me. I too have a best friend since childhood but I would never forsake one relationship for another. I realized that men and women seem to handle this situation differently. Women do tend to put their relationship with their significantly other before any other.  On the other hand, I feel if we as women don't take care of our mans' wants and needs; this may be used as reason to stray to another woman.  Therefore men feel they should always be put first.

I wouldn't dare desert a friend in need but I feel there should be a balance in all relationships. It shouldn't be an all or nothing choice. I've been lucky to have a best friend that understands that sometimes couples need quality time together and if needed I am there for her no questions asked.

My question is how can I get him to understand that I wish to be a priority as much as he is to me. I even asked my boyfriend if his friend had to choose between his wife and his friend who would he choose, his reply was his best friend would choose him over his wife. I was stunned and taken aback. I understand their relationship was there before me and will be even after I may go. But I also believe your spouse should always be your number one priority above all else.  I am not asking him to choose between us. But don't totally ignore me so you may do some hand -holding for a grown ass man. Am I being selfish?

Dear Reader:

Your boyfriend may be doing you a big favor by showing you what his priorities are.  I agree that there could be a much more mature way to handle this.  You don't say how long you have been together, but I suggest you take a stand now.  If he really thinks he has to desert you to help his friend (there's no way you can do it as a couple?)  perhaps he's not ready for a marital commitment.  Offer to negotiate this problem with him  How To Be a Couple and Still Be Freewill help you figure out some solutions that will satisfy both your needs.  If he won't work with you, he's telling you what your future relationship will be like, and you should pay close attention.  Try cancelling a few dates with him because one of your friends needs you, and see what he thinks about that.  That way, you'll find out if he's got a double standard or not.  If he doesn't like it, you can point out it's what he did to you.  If he doesn't mind, then it's his definition of how significant your commitments to each other are.

Either you're not is important as his friends, or he's not ready for a mature, adult partnership.  A healthy relationship requires teamwork, and you need to begin building a team now, if you really want this romance to work.  Make a strong attempt to work this out with him, but if he won't budge, then the writing is on the wall, and this relationship will not go much further.  "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" "Less Talk, More Action" and "No Cooperation? Solve it Yourself!"  will help you understand how to motivate  him to work with you.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]natessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: My Parents don't like my interracial relationship

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have fallen in love with who I think is THE ONE in my life. I'm a divorced 25 year old woman. I have two children by my ex husband, who is Caucasian. We have been separated for a year, and divorced for two months.  I met my new love a month after the separation. 

We have not taken our relationship to it's full extent. We have gone out in the past year about five times. He works full time, and goes to school part time. He sees his children on the weekend (he has never been married). I have primary custody of my children, and they have met him about four times. He wants to take the relationship very slow, and I am in aggreeance with that. We both are focusing on our situation (school/work/kids) at the moment, until we have more to offer each other, and each of our lives is more stable.

However, I am worried that I am going to be forced to choose between him and the closeness I have with my family. My sister dates biracially, and has been with her boyfriend for almost four years. They have a beautiful daughter together, and my sister's boyfriend is physically and verbally abusive towards my sister. My parents only accept my sisters boyfriend as part of the family because they have a daughter together. They only tolerate his presence at family functions, and half the time he doesn't go because he feels unwelcome/out of place/claims to be an "at home" kind of guy. I have expressed my feelings to my parents about how I feel about the guy I'm in love with. We live in Florida, and my parents don't feel that an interracial relationship would thrive in this part of the country. I am so impressed with this guy I am in love with. I am euphoric every time I am with him. He makes me strive to be the best I can be at everything that I am. He dreams with me, and sets goals with me.

He is the kind of person I could see myself with twenty years from now. I have learned a lot from him since I have known him, and I respect him as I have only respected my father. I don't know what to do about the situation with my parents. Every time I tell my mother about something my boyfriend has said, or how much I miss him, or whatever, if it has to do with my boyfriend, my mother turns the conversation in another direction. I don't know how to handle this situation.  Please help me.

Dear Reader:

Going slow is a great idea in any relationship, and especially important when you have children.  It will also give your family time to come around. You say the only reason your parents accept your sister's boyfriend is because of the grandchildren, but I think they care about you and your sister also.

Once they see that you have made a better choice this time around, they'll probably relax. If it's possible, I'd suggest you and your new guy spend some time with your parents, as you get a chance. If he's such a good guy, they'll figure it out. Your sister's relationship is not a good one, so no wonder they're a bit wary. They have enough reason not to like your sister's husband, no matter what his race. I assume they love your children, too, and if they see that your children like this new person, and he treats all of you well, they'll probably relax. They have good reason to worry, since you and your sister both have had relationship problems. Use "The Magic of Reassurance" to calm and soothe their fears, and get them on  your side.  "The Challenges of Blended Families" will help you understand all the dynamics you need to manage.

By all means, if you and this man are serious, let them get to know him. If they like him, and everyone gets along, your parents will probably come around. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free will give you some pointers about creating your unique partnership, interacting with your family, and resolving whatever disputes arise in your relationship.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm on the verge of total breakdown

Dear Dr. Romance:

I need desperate help...i'm on the verge of total breakdown...i need immediate help so i searched the Internet and saw your email address.. here is my problem..please help please..please

i'm 20 yrs old...live in another country....I  moved out of my parents place 1 yr ago.. My parents were abusive. They tormented me for 6 years before i decided to move out...So I stayed with my boyfriend of 1 year for 7 months, before deciding to move here with him.... Before I was here, I had lots of Hopes and Dreams..i know exactly what i'm going to do and all... but now i'm caught in the middle of a destructive whirlpool...My boyfriend took all the money that I have, he controls me. I cant go to any place that i want to. I have no Friends but I have to stay in his house the whole day....He monitors me from work as well..he checks all my activities online, and denies access to most things on the Internet except Internet and email.... I feel like I've made a HORRIBLE mistake....I've been crying for days now..I have absolutely nothing in my life anymore. I gave up my education, my friends, my life, my money and most of all, My Freedom....

Please say something to me because i really can't go on another day anymore....please help me please...i beg you..please say somethin to me...please

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry to hear you're in trouble.  It is very common for people who grew up in abusive homes to immediately get into abusive relationships.  I don't know what resources exist where you live, but you should find a woman's shelter immediately and get away from that boyfriend before you get injured.  You are in danger because he knows you are dependent on him, and you must get help.  Call the police or a local hotline, and ask if there's a shelter you can go to.  Leave while your boyfriend is at work, and don't go back.  Take what belongings you can with you, and leave the rest.

Once you get to a shelter, they will help you with both legal help and therapy. You need to heal your Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the past, so you will be able to recognize whether a boyfriend loves you or not. This one doesn't love you, he just loves having power over you.  Please get help immediately.  Talking to me won't do you much good, because I'm so far away.  Call a woman's hotline or a shelter now. "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship" will give you some information that will help. You might also find It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you work through your PTSD from the past.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I am not a prude

 Dear Dr. Romance:

 

Here’s one for you, I am female, mid fifties, cute and in good shape considering my age. Had been married for 30 years, single 4 years, kids all grown now and  I am on my own which is fine. I can manage on my own and I am not a desperate female.

 

I do get lonely for male companionship, not sex.  Not really looking to marry at least not yet. Just want to have some laughs and go places. Have some fun together. Get to know each other.

 

My trouble is only those who are late sixties look at me and even then they only want a mama to cook, clean and take care of them oh yes and free sex, with nothing in the  relationship for me. The younger ones only want the sex and act as though I need servicing.

 

Geesh! No matter how clearly I tell them or put on my online profile that I simply am not going to put out they still continue to try to force the issue as though I am only teasing them; or I am some sort of conquest.  I do not do the bar scene and have not found anyone any better at church either.  I am a care provider so no chance of meeting any men where I work.

 

Are there no males out there who don't have sex on their minds all the time?   I am not a prude; I just am not so horny that I have to put out to some darn guy because he needs it.

 

Dr. Romance replies:

 

If what you want is a real companionable relationship, you are looking in all the wrong places. A lot of guys on the Internet and in bars are trolling for sex, and they just see you as a piece of meat. Church only works if you get involved in the working life of the church.  You need to get a life:  get out and do things in a social environment that has content – that is, do things you're interested in -- even passionate about -- that involve other people.  That way, the men you meet will get to know you as a person first, and they will be higher quality men, who have lives also. We live in a very media saturated culture, where we are influenced to focus on surface things and not look beneath. But in a long-term, loving relationship, looks very quickly cease to matter, and character is what counts.

 

Because it's the inside that matters in a love relationship (despite all the media focus on the external) when you have repeated social contact with someone, love can grow without either party really being aware of it. The couple develops a   relationship "infrastructure" in an organic, natural fashion, as opposed to forcing it. These relationships often last a long time, because they're reality based. Old-fashioned courtship is what works.  "Where is Love?" and "Dating: The Fine Art of “Squirrel Hunting” will show you how. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  has all the information you need to fix your "searcher" and find a good person who cares.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Two weeks ago I had to have an abortion.

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I am 15 years old.  I just want your opinion. I have a boyfriend that is 19 years old and from what I hear is that its against the law for a 15 year old to go out with a 19 year old. My mom, step dad, sister, and whole family disapproves of our relationship. We have been together for 8 months and we have been through sooooo much just to be and stay together. 

I think if he did not love me enough, he would not waste so much time for so long. I would think if he is just after one thing he would have been left me. Two weeks ago I had to have an abortion. To tell the truth I really did not want to have one. I think that was the happiest time of my life those few weeks I was pregnant. 
 
I cry almost every night and regret even thinking about having an abortion. They did not want us to be together so bad that we felt that maybe if we had a baby we would have no choice but to be together. Please do not get me wrong, but I know I am too young for a baby in these days and times, only because by law I am not old enough to work and not take care of myself. I am just asking for your opinion about a 15yr old and a 19yr old going out and seeing each other. Do you think it is wrong? 
 
Do you think it is right to send a man that's only a few years older than a minor to jail just for falling in love? If my boyfriend was 15 also and I became pregnant would you not want to take him to jail? Why do you think God enabled me to have children at this age if I'm not supposed to? Can you please answer this question? Do you think in the old days it was wrong for 13, 14, 15 year olds and so on to get married? 
 
Of course they had to get the consent from their parents only because they still had to live and rely on them. Do you think I am right? I just do not feel that we should be pulled away cause it will not solve anything. All it might do is fill hearts with anger and hatred to mend a broken heart; I think that is where the trouble sometimes start in society today. If you send an innocent young man to jail for 25 years just for falling in love will probably drive him crazy and completely waste a good mind that could have been useful.
 
If you love someone dearly and then they are ripped away from you and some people fail to love again. In our situation love refuses to pull us away. Maybe love should be given a chance. A teenager's love is no different from that of an adult. Real love is something that forms in your heart, something that everyone feels. 
 
Why do teenagers have to go through so much just to love someone and be happy? When I was 12 years old I had no feelings toward males. I think when you mature enough to love someone to that extinct, you should be able to love someone. Do you agree? I just really need to know the opinion from someone that actually matters. 
 
Me and my boyfriend sometimes feel that we are alone in thinking we should love each other. Its like its me and him against the world. Of course we get support from friends. All I'm asking is for your opinion on this subject. I look forward to your reply, as soon as you are available. 

Please know that I look up to you, and cherish your opinion.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you are going through all this at such a young age. It's not illegal for a 19 year old man to date a 15 year old girl, but it is illegal for them to have sex.  Laws vary by state, but that is a federal law.    You need some help sorting out your priorities, making decisions, and planning your future. I recommend that you go to counseling, or go to the school counselor.  I'm sure you and your boyfriend believe you're in love, but your behavior is showing that it's not a very mature love.

If your boyfriend were more mature, he would have thought more clearly about your chances of success together and been more careful.  He used you as a source of sexual and emotional gratification for himself.  He's obviously immature even for a 19 year old.  He knows the law, and he should know better than to break it.   A mature adult male wouldn't have unprotected sex with a minor and get her pregnant.  How would the two of you possibly have cared for a baby at your age?  I have worked with children in the foster care system, and this is exactly how they get there, because their parents were too young, unrealistic and thoughtless to wait until they could really make a family before they had a baby.  

I'm glad to regret that your behavior was so poorly thought out that you wound up needing an abortion.   It's a shame that your baby couldn't have been born to mature, healthy parents who could care for her, support her financially and emotionally, and be good role models for her.  Having a baby is not a game, and it's not right to have a baby so you can feel good.  Wait until you are an adult, supporting yourself, and in a stable marriage with someone who can guarantee to be there for you before you decide to get pregnant again.

Please get counseling and get your life back on track. It's not too late for you to make something good out of your life, and to prepare yourself for real love and real motherhood.  These are the years you should be learning what you need to know. You are way ahead of yourself.  I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, but I think both you and your boyfriend are making some really big mistakes.  Whether you think your family understands you or not, they do have a point. You and your boyfriend are not mature  enough to be having sex or making these kinds of decisions -- no matter what your friends say. 

Please read my article "Stupid Cupid"  and reconsider before you ruin your lives, and the life of an innocent, unborn child.  If you really want to have a life together and a family, then begin thinking and acting like grownups, not impulsive children.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand how to build a responsible life of your own.  You could also benefit from   52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth 
 I wish for you a healthy and happy life, and, when you are grown, to know what real love is.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Should I drop the subject and keep dating him or what?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 3 years. I have recently brought up the topic of marriage. A few months ago he told me that I complete his life and that he can't imagine his life without me, but then he says he not ready for the marriage "commitment". He says that it has nothing to do with me. He also says that he knows that I would make a wonderful wife and mother. Unfortunately, I take it so personal and become so depressed. He does NOT understand why I am so harsh on myself. I feel like if he doesn't know if he wants to get married than he doesn't "love" me as much as he says he does. We basically never argue and we are the best of friends. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. Why is he so scared and why does he say he can't imagine my life without me, but will not propose marriage. I'm not saying that I want to get married at the moment, but a promise of marriage would be nice. Can you please help me out?
I'm so depressed. I don't understand?? He said that he would go to counseling with me. Help me please. What should I do? Should I drop the subject and keep dating him or what????

Dear Reader:

You may not realize it, but you're sending mixed messages about whether you really want to be married or not.  You're blaming yourself for his lack of commitment, and you seem to be fighting with yourself about whether you want the commitment or the relationship.  I suggest you take him up on his offer to go for counseling, and even get some counseling on your own.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a good therapist.

Consider the picture you're presenting to him.  Why would he want to marry you when you're depressed and upset?  Get yourself together, and figure out what you want.  Do you want marriage whether it's with him or without him?  Are you willing to be with him even if you're not married?  Pouting, being emotionally upset, and making demands are not mature and effective ways to build a working partnership. "Guidelines for Being Better Understood by Your Mate" will help you communicate more effectively.  You'll get your message across better if you stand your ground and ask for what you want.  If he says no, be prepared to end the relationship.  Once he knows you're serious, he may reconsider. How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will help you both learn how to work out your problems as a team.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: If I want achieve a goal, what have I to do?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am from South Korea.   If I want achieve  a goal (future target) compulsory what have I to do? Every day I remind it in my prayers.  As you think will i get it or not?  Please enlighten me ...

Dear Reader:

I'm not sure I understand your question, but to achieve goals, it is important to first have a clear image of what you want to achieve. Then break your goal down into small steps, and do one step at a time.  Try reading my articles "Asking for What Your Want" ;  "Four Steps to Success" and "Your Job on Earth" for more understanding.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  will help you understand why you are getting in your own way.

  52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth will help you get to understand yourself and your wants and needs better.

  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I have never been able to find a man who will stick with me

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am fortysomething female and have never been married.  I make an excellent salary. I have never been able to find a man who will stick with me; they either use me or can't deal with my strength. My current boyfriend of over a year and a half is a few years older and was married for one year in his twenties and never married since. He is very confident, adventurous and never wanted a committed relationship. His friends were surprised when he moved in with me almost a year ago. We get along well although we are both a bit opinionated and both like to have control, but that isn't the issue, I digress.   He left home at 18 and has been independent since.   He's very attractive and had a lot of girl friends, but never stayed with any.  I make a lot more than he makes. He has told me numerous times that he does not let others take care of him and he carries his own weight. When he moved in to my condo, I asked him to cover about a fourth of the mortgage and utilities.   He was good for the first few months, until he got laid off. Now basically he isn't paying for his monthly existence. we've decided to sell my condo and buy a house but we cannot afford a house on what equity I have in my condo alone. He has no savings. I set up a separate savings account for the down payment. He gives me some money each month for the savings, but none for the expenses. 

I do love him and I know he loves me. He takes care of me when I'm sick. My family and friends see how he loves me too. I don't think that he purposely is lacking on the money issue. He told me that he will marry me some day but I have no idea when that some day will be. He talks like everything is both of ours, yet I don't feel he is contributing what he should be. I don't even know for sure how much he has in savings.  I don't think he is trying to use me but I have been used in the past and I won't go for it again.

He also has done nothing about retirement. He says that he plans to work until he dies. I have told him that he needs to put some money away because Social Security won't cover the type of house payment we will be looking at but he just doesn't seem to get it.  I stand up for myself at work, but I have not been able to do that in most of the relationships that I have had with males that I care for. Please help me define some guidelines for talking with him about these issues and getting satisfactory results. I want this relationship to last.

Dear Reader:

Congratulations on your career success.  I doubt that your trouble with men can be blamed on your financial status, I think it's a problem with the men you were choosing.   For example, staying with men who are emotionally unavailable. Discover more about choices in "You Be the Judge"

The man you have now seems at least partly reliable, and it sounds as if he cares, but he doesn't sound very motivated to be in a committed relationship, and for a relationship to work, both parties must be committed. You have done a lot on your own, and you deserve credit for that, but that won't work in relationship.  You must have a partner who doesn't need to be persuaded and coaxed into marriage. If you want to limp along in this situation, that's your choice.  I recommend that you get therapy to build your self-esteem.  I have a suspicion that you don't believe you're worthy of a man who can love you wholeheartedly.  Please be very cautious about getting any more financially entangled with this man you are now living with. A "very attractive man" who plays around is not avoiding  relationships because the women have money; he just doesn't want to be accountable. and I suspect, he hasn't fully grown up.

He's not walking his talk when it comes to letting you pay for things.  The more you let him use you, the more he probably will.  You can choose to stay in the situation you are now in, but I'd advise against buying a house with this man.   You sound too smart and capable to be stuck with a semi-loser.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will help you understand what an equal relationship is, and how to achieve it, with this man or someone else.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm Jealous (x 3)

 Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been with my partner for two years, and we have a pretty good relationship, except for one thing.  He's a softball nut! He practices twice a week and plays a game almost every weekend. It isn’t just for the summer, either.  Even when there is no official season happening, he still gets together with his softball teammates, and they practice or do something else.

 

I hate softball!  I don't mind going to a game once in a while, but I don’t like it all the time.  I want to go to theatre, movies, concerts, etc.  How can I get him to give up softball and do things I want to do?

 

DON'T TAKE ME TO THE BALL GAME

 

Dear Dr. Romance:

 

My partner is an athlete in training who takes very long, fast bike rides several times a week. Recently, he has been taking these rides with another man, rather than alone, and I'm jealous. I have a physical handicap, and cannot ride at his pace, so I can't go with him.

 

We have a very nice relationship, and I'm very happy, except for this problem.  How can I get him to stop taking these rides with his "friend"?

 

LEFT OUT

 

Dear Dr. Romance:

 

It's been another bad Saturday.  I love the beach, and my partner doesn't.  We go, and she complains about the heat, the sand on the blanket, she's restless, she wants to go home before I do, she doesn't want to read the book she brought, and on and on until I give up and go home.

 

I love this woman most of the time, but after a day at the beach I never want to see her again! This wears off after a while, but it’s taking longer and longer for me to forgive her. I’m real tired of it!

 

I've even suggested she do something else, and let me go to the beach alone for a couple of hours, but she doesn't want to. What can I do?

 

FRUSTRATED AT THE BEACH

 

Dear Readers:

 

 

These are problems I hear constantly.  Where did we all get the idea that partners are conjoined twins?  None of you claims to be joined to your partner at the hip.

 

So much damage is done when you’re together only because you don’t want to be alone. The appropriate reason for partners to be together is because they want to.  That includes enjoying each other and whatever activity you are doing. The minute one of you begins to feel you’re together because you have to be, the problems begin.  That's when someone begins to feel trapped, and to push for space.  If there's no understanding of the need for space, hurt feelings result, and you're off and running.

 

It is not reasonable or advisable to ask your partner to give up an important or favorite activity because you don’t like it, or because you can't join in.  That's life.  Learn to handle it. Before long, you may be surprised to find out that you actually enjoy your separate time, and you'll also notice that your time together is enhanced by the separation.

 

If you're the one with the favorite activity, firmly and gently insist on your right to do it alone. "Gentle Persistence"  will show you how.  If your partner has the activity, and you don’t like it, he or she should go without you.  Now, here’s the hard part. Your partner may want company for this favorite activity.  Yes, you must deal with that, too. Your partner’s companion in sports or hobbies is his/her friend, not your rival. Friends are a necessary support system to every relationship.

 

If you don't trust your partner, that is a separate and important issue, calling for counseling.  Either your insecurity or your partner's integrity (or both) need help.  Learning to make realistic, honest agreements will solve this problem. "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will show you how to do that.

 

If you feel left out, then you need activities and companions of your own. I recommend that you find some resources to meet people who are in relationships and not a threat to your own.  

 

These people are interested in networking to support your relationship and their own, and they have a busy calendar which can help you fill the empty spaces in your life. Having separate activities can take a tremendous amount of pressure off a relationship.

 

One caution: when you have a separate activity from your partner, it's important that your partner feel invited to join in from time to time.  If you're doing something your partner cannot join, then arrange occasional social gatherings with the other persons involved.  Have brunch, lunch, a party or a picnic with your friends and your partner. This makes it clear that it's the activity that is separate, and that you are not sneaking or hiding.

 

If the activity would be open, but your partner's attitude makes things difficult, include your partner occasionally anyway. Since you get to do what you want most of the time, accommodating your partner occasionally won't be too hard, and it will keep everything in perspective.

 

It's not only OK, it's healthy to have different activities and different friends as well as what you share. Just remember to do it with love and consideration. "Handling the Green-Eyed Monster" will give you more information about handling jealousy.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will help you fix these problems and have a happier relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I become involved with men who can't find enough sexual fulfillment with me

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I have discovered that my new husband has a new listing on a bisexual web site, indicating that he is married and mostly heterosexual but wants to meet and be sexually involved with men. This is particularly troubling for me because we promised that our relationship would remain open to new sexual experiences, but that anything that happened would be something we would do together, out in the open, no lies or secrets. Before this, I was in a long-term relationship with someone I was intensely bonded to, only to gradually discover he was leading two lives; and the life without me included hundreds of casual sexual encounters and more. I loved that man so much that it took me two years to finally decide, and have the strength, to admit that I would never be happy with him again and that I had to move on. My husband is well aware that the lying and duplicity is a huge issue for me, knows what I experienced before meeting him, and I am heartbroken that it is happening again, and I feel like I'm somehow doing this, setting myself up to find and become involved with men who can't find enough sexual fulfillment with me, that need to lie and sneak around behind my back to find it elsewhere. I'm a very physical, affectionate and sexual person, old enough to not harbor silly sexual hangups and pretty adventurous, kept myself in great shape and take pride in my appearance. Further, I know my husband is really, truly in love with me (former relationship is still in love with me, for that matter); I'm heartbroken and bewildered. I need to speak with someone who is comfortable and non-judgmental with bisexuality and alternative sexual lifestyles, and I need that person to help me understand what I'm dealing with and sort all of this out. We both have children from previous marriages, we have blended our families together, and divorce is not an option, nor is it what I would choose.  I'm just devastated and heartbroken, and I don't really understand what I'm dealing with. And, no, I haven't told him that I know about this.

Dr. Romance Replies:　

You must be pretty highly sexual, because you are attracted to what Alfred Kinsey designated the "high frequency male." These are men who feel compelled to have an orgasm daily, with a partner or without. You're certainly loveable. Now all you need is to find a man as healthy as you are, which will require judgement on your part.  "You Be the Judge" will help you think more clearly about the men you're attracted to.

Your current partner sounds as if he's struggling with his own sexual identity, and he sounds more gay than straight, but no one will really know that until he sorts it out. It's not an easy thing to do. Yes, he had to know how badly this would hurt you, but he's also not entirely in control of his own actions, because he's denying (confused about) his own sexual orientation.

I'm sorry for your loss, but I suggest you let it be a loss, because it's going to take this man a long time to sort himself out. Do your grieving, and then examine the criteria you're using to choose your men. I know you said you didn't want a divorce, but I think it will come to that, eventually.

You can stay if you want, but I think, sooner or later, he'll go. You definitely could use some support: this is a very tough thing to go through.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely "  will help you get support for yourself.   How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will show you both how to discuss your desires and needs openly and without fighting.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: should the single man feel that he is sinning?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I would like your opinion on this..  If a married woman starts seeing a single man, should the single man feel that he is sinning? The single man does not know if the woman will leave her husband or not. This is going on 7 months. The man knew she was married before the relationship started. Does the single man tell her it is over or just keep going? He has his doubts because her lifestyle would change. She is more scared about fighting for her half and also her mother. She thinks he is god and he really is not. She tells me the good and bad. He is very possessive. So why is she still in the marriage after 17 years. She can not answer that or she won't. Her marriage is just living with this man. She does not see him attractive or has not made love to him since 2001. She makes a lot of money, and it is amazing how cheap she is.

Dear Reader:

Whether or not you're sinning is outside my purview.  I'm afraid this woman is just using you, to make her feel better, but I doubt she'll leave her marriage.  As you say, she is financially comfortable.  I doubt if she's telling you the truth about her marriage, or about whether she has sex with her husband.   This doesn't sound like a good situation to me, I suggest you find a real relationship, with someone who is free to love you.  "Where is love"  and "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will help you get the kind of relationship you're looking for. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you find a more equal and healthy relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: My husband who is 39 left me for a girl of 19

Dear  Dr. Romance: 
My husband who is 39 left me for a girl of 19. Not attractive, a student who works in a cigarette store. He moved out so fast and had her in his life as fast that  I'm still reeling 4 months later. We lost our home and have a lot of debt. Why do I want him back? Why do I have hope? I raised his son who is also out of my life (15 years old).

I am doing better day by day but still wish they were here. The girl is at his house a lot. But I keep hearing that it isn't what I think, and that he knows it won't last. I find this compulsion to  drive by his house to see if she is there. He had been "talking" to her for a while before he left but when he decided to leave it was fast. I realize this seems like rambling but we lost everything and I am barely making it as he says the same is true for him. So how or what do I do to get through?

Dear Reader:
I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time.  I'm guessing that your husband has been seeing this girl for a while, and he did it as an escape from all the pressures of his (and your) real life.  I'm glad you're doing better day by day.  This is a good time for you to focus on making friends and staying close to your own family and the friends that you have.  Join some activities which will be there for you on a regular basis.  You need to get a lawyer and file for divorce.  Your husband may have more money than he's letting you know.  A lawyer can find that out for you.  "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again"  will help you move on. "Decisions After Forty: Reinventing the Rest of Your Life" will start you thinking constructively about  the areas you need to restructure in your life. The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make after Forty gives you a plan for picking yourself up and starting over to build a more successful and satisfying life. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: My genes and hormones are still in their teens

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I'm fifty nine years young but my genes and hormones are still in their teens, twenties and thirties. The women that I am attracted to are in their thirties and forties. I'm sad to say that most, if not all, the women in these age groups look at men like myself and brush us off as if we don't even exist, or that we don't have the right to desire a much younger woman. They seem to think that the only thing we are good for is to take up a space somewhere in a bone yard.

I hate to disappoint them, but God willing, I and many others like me are a long long way from that.   Most, if not all, of the women other people tell me I should be trying to date are grossly obese or are, in other ways, unattractive to me, for whatever the reason. I admit that I have high standards. In the past, I have been told I need to lower those standards. I have done this on four occasions and have paid dearly for it, emotionally and in one case, emotionally and financially. The younger women who contact me on the internet through  dating services are nothing more than a bunch of players and scammers, usually in Africa and/or Russia. 

There is another thing to consider here. Because of contracting Diabetes about twenty years ago, I had a terminal case of ED. This has been corrected through surgery. I need a women who can keep up with me sexually as I have a very high sex drive, especially for a man my age. A woman who is obese and in her fifties just will not cut it.

My question is this. How can I present myself to the women I'm attracted to in a way that will say to them that "I am a full grown guy with more than enough get up and go to keep up with you. Look at my age as a plus. I have been around the block enough to know how to love and appreciate a much younger woman."?

Any advise or suggestions you can pass along will be most appreciated.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry your image of women your age is so negative, and that you're not attractive to the younger women you desire, but it's not a new problem.  I suggest you stop living in a fantasy world, stop lumping people into categories, and get out into the real world and meet lots of people, make friends, create a social network.  There, you have a chance of meeting a real person whom you like and who is attracted to you. If you want to meet a woman with energy, go where people are doing active things: sports or dancing.  You'll also brush up your social skills so you're not putting women off.  You'll have to develop a broader interest than just having sex to be interesting to women of any age.  "Attitude: From Negative to  Gratitude" , "Age Differences in Dating" and "Where is Love"  will give you more information on changing your attitude.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you a guide for success in finding a good relationship, and will  help you see yourself and your relationships more clearly.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: his apology didn't change much

Dear Dr. Romance,

I've read your articles online and was impressed by your viewpoints and solutions to problems between men and women.

I'm married for more than 10 years with no kids. I joined a new firm 2 years ago and started working with a lead on a new project. I felt he's nice at first and we worked very closely together. Sometimes we chat a little about each other's personal life. There's once when he told me he's been married for more than 10 years with 2 kids. He's about the same age as I am. He met his wife in college and they had the same background. When I commented that he found the perfect one, he said she's not perfect but is his other-half. He couldn't keep on divorcing to find a perfect one. I told him the first one is usually the best. Another day later, he told me his mother divorced for his stepfather when he's 14, he experienced stress during that time, and he didn't want his son to go through the same he did.

After he left my cube, he emailed with "Girlfriend?" in it. I instantly felt insulted and emailed him back with angriness. He explained to me that  "girlfriend" didn't mean someone to sleep with, but a 'meaningful' close friend. I asked him that coworkers getting along well with each other is good, but why did him want to put me in this position? He said sorry, and later he referred to this request as a joke. A few weeks later he came to me and said he's been thinking about me all weekend, and asked me if one could love 2 people at the same time. I said that's not love but attraction. He said felt better and we continued trying to maintain our work relationship until one day he asked me for my pictures via email. I rejected him and he emailed me back implying it was my fault.

I started to examine myself thinking I might have misled him sometimes and felt depressed.  Since he blamed me, I stopped talking to him, tried to avoid interaction with him as much as possible. He noticed and came to apologize saying he was unprofessional and hurt my feelings.  But his apology didn't change much Now I just feel the relationship is awkward and I don't have much respect for him even though everyone else still thinks he's a very nice and helpful guy. 

Now my problem is, every time he asks me to do things, I have resentment since I don't feel he deserve to be my lead. But I know this is not good for the work and my own career.  People don't know what happened between us and would think I'm trying to be hard on him for no reason while he still presents himself as a nice, patient, and helpful person in front of everybody including our big bosses. 

I thought about leaving the team, but I've earned my reputation here through hard work and I like what I'm doing. Can you tell me the right approach to deal with it? I hoped I'd found your web site much earlier for I feel so stuck in this relationship for quite a while. Thanks and I look forward to your reply.

Dear Reader:

Actually, I think you've handled a difficult situation rather well.  This man is a user, and he has learned that being charming will get him what he wants.  As you already realize, he's not such a nice guy.  If you want to stay in your present position, keep doing what you are doing, being polite and cool, but not giving him any personal warmth.  Focus on doing your job. "Mirrors and Teachers" will give you pointers on giving him a time out and handling his harassment without creating a problem.  "Setting Boundaries and Saying No" will strengthen your resolve to keep him in place.  Be patient, he'll find another victim before long, and leave you alone.  You might also find my book, It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction helpful in understanding how other people can seem nice but actually be trying to take advantage of you.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: What is a backup solution?

Dear Dr. Romance 
 I just read your article about "Asking for What You Want" and it made a great deal of sense for me and my current relationship.  The only aspect that I didn't understand was when you stated that if you get a no or maybe response, you should have a back up solution.  What do you mean by having a back up solution?
 
Dear Reader:

Having a back up solution means to be prepared with what you're going to do if you get  "no" for an answer.  How are you going to handle the situation if your partner doesn't agree to do what
you want?  "No Cooperation? Solve it yourself" shows how to get unstuck when your partner won't cooperate.   How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together explains how to solve the problem for yourself when your partner won't cooperate. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: When you're white and your significant other is black

Dear Dr. Romance:  How do you handle it when you're white and your significant other is black?

Dear Reader:

If you are of different races or cultures, you have a lot to learn from each other.  Depending on where you live, you may experience some negative reactions from others, and you need to learn to ignore that. If your friends or family have problems, and you really want this relationship to succeed, you have to let them know that you won't tolerate any negative comments.  You can politely say, "I'm sorry it's a problem  for you, but this is the person I love, and I don't want to hear negative comments about it."   "Guidelines for Being Better Understood"   "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" and "Keys to a Happy Relationship" all contain information you can use to improve your life together.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will show you how to communicate about your relationship and your views, and how to work through relationship problems as they come up.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: His mother was an alcoholic and a toxic bitch

Dear Dr. Romance:

Don't know if you can help me or if i need to go to specialist alcohol sites.  My partner and i had been together for 21 years, i asked him to leave 8 months ago, but i miss him dreadfully at times and i have to remind myself why i asked him to go. His mother was an alcoholic and a toxic bitch, still is , anyway he has gone off to stay with his mom and dad, he's forty six years old , he did date someone briefly but i think it's over. Anyway is there anyway i can do to sort this out, i do love him but can't stand what his drinking was doing to me and our family. I seem to be the one having problems moving on.

Dear Reader:

It's difficult for most of my clients who have to deal with an alcoholic partner.  You're right to make a break, and you must stay away until he recognizes and gets help for his drinking problem. 

You'll find help for yourself at Al-Anon.  It's the AA support group for spouses and families of alcoholics. If your children are old enough, they can go to Ala-Teen. You'll all learn a lot there and you'll find others who understand what you've been through. You'll be very glad you went. Al-anon will teach you how to deal with your ex-partner.  

'Read "Letting Go Takes Love"  to help you remain strong and "Mirrors and Teachers" to help with the difficult mother-in-law.  They are free on my website.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand your family dynamics.

 The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance, and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs will show you what is involved in addiction and what is necessary to heal from it.

  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I can't forgive my girlfriend for cheating on me

Dear Dr. Romance:

Just over one year ago, my girlfriend cheated on me. It wasn't the standard 'met a guy, went to his place' kind of thing, she did it via the internet. He had her cell number but she swears they never talked (though she admits he left voicemails). Everything seemed fine with the relationship (though clearly it was not) until within a week of the time she began talking to him. During the time she was talking to him (sometimes in Spanish, which I do not speak, in front of me) she said she had lost interest in our relationship and seemed generally upset. He was a mutual acquaintance we both knew from an online hobby (a game). Suddenly she had lost interest in me though we had an increasing amount of sex. I later found out she thought of him when we had sex some of these times (she didn't volunteer this information, I asked point blank expecting a "no"). After talking to her I drew my own conclusion that she was naïve, opened up to him, and he took advantage of her, first talking about how things were generally, and slowly transforming her opinion of our relationship to think it would never work.

Now I am finding myself 16 months past this, and I can't let go. We've talked about it, I know everything she remembers (or everything she will tell me). She says everything is ok, seems truly remorseful, but I can't let go of what she did. I can't help but think 1, 5, 10, 20 or even 30+ years down the road how I will feel about my decision to stay with her should she do this again. My problem is that I cannot let go of this event. I enjoy time spent with her and we rarely argue. We enjoy many of the same foods & music, have similar goals, and basically want the same things out of life. Unfortunately, I can't truly forgive her for what she did to me, and this event feels like a wound that refuses to heal. I have only brought this up once or twice (and never during an argument) since it happened, but I feel like I get nowhere (despite both sides trying) when we talk about it; the only thing that changes is her going from happy to upset. I want to forgive her, but it feels like an impossible obstacle to overcome. I know it's silly in comparison to someone actually physically cheating, but had that been the case, we would almost certainly be over. I'm not sure how I can cope with this, many people have told me I'm being silly and should continue the relationship, but I can't seem to get myself to see it that way. Now I see her spending extra time on school, doing the right thing and possibly lining herself up for a job once her school completes, and I can't help but wonder if she's cheating (my logical self tells me it's not the case, but if I don't actually see her all day, I feel like I simply don't know).

Dear Reader:

The reason you can't let go of your hurt and betrayal is that you and your girlfriend have not healed the wound in your relationship. I strongly recommend that you get therapy. You both sound a little immature emotionally to me, and couples counseling would help you fix this problem and also deal with the other issues in your relationship. You don't need to be able to open up to just anyone, but you do need to be able to talk openly with your partner. On-and-off sex can also indicate a problem, especially if one or both of you is dissatisfied with your sexual relationship. Your girlfriend developed a crush, a temporary obsession with the fantasy relationship she had with the other man. It's easy to get swept up in fantasy, because it is so much more perfect than real life. She's still with you, which is a good sign. Have you ever considered learning her language? The fact that he could speak Spanish was probably part of what she was longing for.  Have you considered learning your girlfriend's language? It could be a way to bond if she helps you learn Spanish.

You two need to develop a partnership; not just hang out together. To build partnership, you must develop mutuality. That is, to care about each other's wants and needs, and work together to make both of you happy. Your relationship must have a lot of good in it, or you wouldn't still be together. Build on the good things.  "Handling The Green-Eyed Monster"; will help both of you understand how to deal with jealousy,   "Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner" will help you communicate, and "Stupid Cupid" will give you important questions to ask and answer together.  Reading and discussing them together should help you and your girlfriend solve your problems.

How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together is a manual you can use together to learn healthier relationship skills.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: my wife has control and anger problems

Dear Dr. Romance:

I saw your articles from your web site and was really impressed with your thoughts on relationships! I've been married for 18 years with 3 children. I am a very active Dad (Basketball/baseball coach for all of them) but my marriage has been very unhealthy for most of the marriage. My wife and I have had our time with therapy and her therapist stated that she had obsessive-compulsive disorder, but my wife also has control and anger problems! One example is, she actually got into my face and yelled at me when I was cleaning the dishes - All because I she wanted me to use the dishwasher. Once, my oldest son told her during their argument that my psoriasis was caused by her. Yes, when she manipulates, gives me the finger for whatever reason, twists my words around so we can't talk and discuss things rationally, the itching is more severe and persistent with my psoriasis sores. My problem is my children's adjustment if I leave and myself trying to cope with the poor friend of the court visitation schedule!

Dear Reader:

You said you and your wife were in therapy, but have you gone to therapy yourself? Please try either therapy or Co-Dependents Anonymous to get help in dealing better with your wife and her problems. If you do need to get a divorce, you'll need some expert help in how to go about it. You also need to know that you did everything you could to make the marriage work. It sounds as if you're being passive/aggressive in the face of your wife's OCD. She needs help (OCD is curable) and so do you.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will help you and your wife learn to work together, and  "Guidelines for finding and using Therapy Wisely"  will help you make sure you're seeing the right therapist.  You're right that divorce will be difficult for your children and yourself.  It's worthwhile to work on the problems to see if they can be fixed.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I just recently dated a man with a violent past.

Dear Dr. Romance:
 
I just recently dated a man with a violent past. I didn't know that he was like that until I found out he was wanted by the police and arrested for  assault  and battery with a  deadly weapon. He lied to me about his name and his past. We write to each other every now and then. I know its time for me to let go but I'm having trouble deciding on how to tell him to stop writing me. I also made the mistake of sending him my picture and now that my rational side is taking over I now realize my folly. Do you have any ideas? He knows where I currently live so I need to be careful on how I end things. I already told him  that I would not be there romantically for him when he gets released and  that  all I could offer him is friendship. He also knows that I will be working at Mass General so I could be easily found even though I plan on moving from my current living situation.
 
Dear Reader:

You did make a dangerous mistake, especially with a man who has transgressed enough to wind up in prison.  Your best bet is to tell him you've met someone else, and hope he moves on to someone else.  Say that your new boyfriend is the jealous type, and you can not be friends with him.  You can set this up over a couple of letters, if you think he'll believe it more. When you move, do not leave a forwarding address, or forward your mail to a P.O. Box. Change your phone number, and don't make it easy to trace you.  If he shows up at your work, or calls you there, you'll have to tell your superiors about the problem, and get a restraining order.  Don't mess around with this, don't worry about hurting his feelings.  Just end it cleanly.  A violent men will not understand that you just don't want to hurt his feelings. Anything less than a very clear "you must not contact me" will seem like an invitation to him.  If you met him online, re-think what you're doing to meet men.   "Family Violence Q&A; " "Friends in Need: Interventions for Domestic Violence;" and "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship" will help you change your idea of what a relationship should be. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand why you feel powerless about him, and how to change that.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: My brothers did not like my choice

Dear Dr. Romance,

I am a PhD student in Computer Science and Mathematics in Europe.  I am interested in your blog which helps to a lot of people to find the best solution in their lives.   I have also some problems in my private life. I would be very grateful if you could give me some advice.

I met my girlfriend here in the Master studies program. We have the same language and religion. We started a  relationship.  She is very clever, educated, looking good and nice. We had a good time together until we graduated. She left and I got a position as a PhD student here. Now, she is working in another country. She is four years older than me. I was her first sexual partner.  Finally, we decided to marry, since we loved and respect each other. As appropriate in our culture, first we told our parents. They were also glad of our relation and final decision, but my brothers did not like my choice and they started to complain all the time. They say that I am young, educated, have a good financial position, and I can find some young beautiful girl. For me the age difference was not a problem, I did not even think about it, because my fiancée looks very young and nobody can feel this difference when we are together. Then, my brothers started forcing me via phone and mail. Now, I feel some strange feelings inside me, and it disturbs me all the time. I started to dream bad dreams and bad thoughts that is unusual. I dream of my future: I am old and my fiancée is too older than me, everybody is laughing to me, etc. I never thought that somebody's opinion will influence on my mind. If I listen to my brothers, first I will disappoint my fiancée, and second who knows, I might not find somebody like her, I never met a girl with good mind and nice like her. But, maybe my brothers are right and I will have a problem in the future.

What should I do, which way is the best way of the solving this problem, will it be any problem of this marriage?

Dear Reader:

I'm afraid your brothers don't sound like they have your best interests in mind. They're just reacting out of prejudice.   I don't know why you're listening to them.

If you have had a good relationship with this woman, and have developed a good connection, and even your parents like her, why let your brothers' opinions matter? It sounds like they are jealous. I suggest you tell them to stop saying bad things about your fiancée. Perhaps you could get your parents to help you stop your brothers' bad behavior. It's not easy to find a person with whom you are compatible, and if you and your fiancée love each other, you should value that.   "Coping with Critics" gives better ways to deal with your brothers, and "Stupid Cupid" will help you sort through your real fears about marriage with your fiancée.

How to be Happy Partners Working it out Together will help you understand what being married is about, and give you tools you can use.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Can a person refall in love again?

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I  would like to know if you think a person  can refall in love again?

Dear Reader:

I'm not sure what you're asking. If you mean can you fall in love again with the same person, the answer is yes.  In fact, that's a necessary part of long-term relationships.  We need to fall in love over and over again. If you eliminate whatever is in the way of caring for each other, and both people are willing, it can and will happen.   "Guidelines for Dating Your Ex" will show you how to do it safely. 

However, if one partner is not interested in falling in love again, it won't work.  You cannot coerce someone into loving you. 

"Stop Reacting and Start Relating" will show you how to keep your communication healthy, which is the basis for a good relationship.  "Guidelines for Being Better Understood" will teach you how to speak in such a way that you can be heard, and It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you sort out your confusion about love and relationships.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]atessina.com 

Dear Dr. Romance: I got upset when he said he wants to stop fornicating with me

Dear Dr. Romance:

 My male friend likes to look at good looking women a second time and more and if the woman is looking at him, he will stare at her. I have a friend that is nine years younger than I am. I am the age of his older brother. We have been seeing each other for two and a half years. Since a year ago, he wanted to stop having intercourse, which we were having on weekends only. I got upset when he said he wants to stop fornicating with me because it is a sin. I am a Christian and I know that is not good to have sex with someone you are not married to.  He says he cannot marry me because of the way I raised my kids (that I cannot say no to them, according to him.) Then, now he said I should not go to his house on weekends because he has to grade papers. He is getting a teaching certificate, and I am getting one. I have not found a job yet, and he says, it could be that God will not get me a job until I change my heart and stop wanting to fornication with him.I have asked God for forgiveness and strength, and asked that my friends heart be changed to see marriage as a good thing. I think he is afraid of commitment. He is kind of controlling.  Let me know what you think.

Dear Reader

The fact that you're calling it fornication tells me you don't feel it's the right thing for you to do.  I'm afraid he's done with you, and he doesn't have the guts to tell you outright. So, he's dropping hints and hoping you'll catch on. I'm guessing he's already involved with someone else, which is why he doesn't want to see you on weekends.

Let go. If he really wants you, make him come after you. Focus on enjoying what's good in your life, church, family, friends. You don't need someone who doesn't act like he cares about you.  You deserve love and happiness, and a relationship you don't have to be ashamed of. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you find a better partner. "When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships" will help you form a better idea of what relationships should be like.   "Where is Love?" and "Dating: the Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will show you how to find real love in your life.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm going insane in my relationship

Dear Dr. Romance 

I read "What Is A Dysfunctional Relationship?", and it makes a lot of sense...I have a questions though? I'm unsure where to go get a little advice. I'm 22 yrs. old and think that I'm going insane in my relationship...How'd you help me...may I get a little advice?  I NEED HELP

Dear Reader:

You aren't giving me much information to go on.  Try reading the many articles on my website for more relationship information.  "Guidelines for Being Better Understood"  and "Guidelines for finding and using therapy wisely" will be very helpful for you.

Think carefully about how you're communicating with your partner.  You need to be clear about what you want, and what you're trying to express.  Your partner can't work with you to improve the relationship if you aren't clear about what's wrong. If you think your relationship is dysfunctional, How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will help you and your partner work together to understand each other.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected] 

Dear Dr. Romance: Older men and younger women

Dear Dr. Romance:

I enjoyed your article regarding younger men and older women; but what about older men and younger women who fall in love?  What is to be said about that?  I am in my 40s (and in my prime), and I have met the most wonderful woman in my entire life -- in her 30s.  We have fallen in love, and it has been all through online, and we have not even been together yet, but plan to be soon...   A friend of mine I recently discovered has a similar scenario.  Possibly you have an article on this published that I can read, as I was wondering the philosophy behind this younger woman dating an older man approach....

Dear Reader:

Whether or not a relationship is healthy is not determined by age differences, but by the interaction between the partners. A ten-year difference is not too difficult to bridge, but differences of twenty years or more in age can lead to some difficulties as the partners get older.

For example, the younger partner may mature and reconsider his or her choices, or an older partner may confront aging problems much sooner. As long as both parties are adult, and the couple have talked about the age difference and the future possibilities, I don't make judgements about their ages.

The reasons for dating someone of a different chronological age are myriad, and often go back to childhood. There are healthy and unhealthy reasons to date someone of a different generation. One motivation for dating a younger person that usually isn't successful would be fear of aging on the older person's part. Obviously, a man or woman who dates someone as young as his or her children is going to run into some social opposition, but the differences that can cause the most problems are differing maturity levels.

Success in such relationships depends on what the motivations of both people are. Some older people feel younger at heart than their contemporaries, and like to date people who are as active as we are. Chronological age doesn't always reflect either physical capability or emotional maturity. Sometimes an age difference is a mentoring relationship: the older person advises the younger one on life or career. This can backfire when the younger person decides he or she has learned enough, and wants to move on.

Since you and your lady friend haven't yet met face to face,  "Guidelines for Successful Dating" might be helpful. Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differencescan help both of you negotiate any challenges that arise in your relationship.  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]