Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: My girlfriend does not like phone sex.

Dear Dr. Romance:

My girlfriend does not like phone sex. When ever bring the topic she is always mad at me. I don't know maybe it's the way her ex treated her. Please help

Dear Reader:

You can't have phone sex with your girl if she doesn't like it, and you can't force her to like it. Instead, you have to make it attractive to her.  So, turn on your charm, find out how she feels about it, instead of just trying to talk her into it. If it is about the way her ex treated her, you need to listen to her, and let her tell you about it.  "Getting to Yes" helps you understand how to talk to her about phone sex and sex in general. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will show you how to develop a mutually satisfying relationship. It gives you scripts and guidelines for talking about sex in a productive way.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: How Can I Let Him Go?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read  "Letting Go Takes Love" and it really spoke to me. I am in a situation and I was wondering if you could give me quick advice. I feel the need to let go of someone because he basically doesn't know what he wants. We have been going back and forth with the issue over a year now.

The barriers of friendship have been broken long ago but he still seems uncomfortable with the idea of labeling it anything more. He broke things off with me about 2 months ago and we have tried to stay away from each other. Every time I finally begin to move on with my life he appears and calls or emails and then we seem to slip back into the previous mode we were in. I have made it more than clear that I cannot have just 10% of him and needed to stop contact for the time being so I could get the idea of us being in a relationship out of my head. However, that doesn't seem to work either and seems to make him contact me more.

Yet we never progress into anything more than "friends". I feel weak because every time he contacts me I speak to him but every time I am left feeling like I am missing something in my life: him. It is a painful process. Yet he knows all this and won't leave me be so I can move on.

I do not want to be harsh to him and take drastic measures but my heart cannot take anymore of this. How can I let him go for myself and let go of the hope that I still have that him and I will end up together? I am not ready to date other people and the thought of it terrifies me. I just need him to take the next step or to leave me alone completely for awhile so I can get over it.

Why am I stuck in the same spot and why can't he just give us a try or just leave me alone?

Dear Reader:

You need to understand that he's not going to leave you alone. You are backup for him, and every time you pull away, he'll come closer. You're going to have to be the "bad guy" in this relationship, and stop the contact from your side. He's got what he wants, you haven't, so it's up to you to put the brakes on. Block his phone calls, emails, and social media so you aren't tempted to respond. Your whole life is in limbo so this commitment-avoidant guy can feel he's got someone hanging around whenever he needs you. You're making this way too easy. Read "Your Primary Relationship",  and "Dating: Don't Be His Backup Plan" for help in developing the determination to cut this guy off. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you get prepared to date again, and find a man who can really commit.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: why do I always have sex on the first date?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm trying to find out why I always have sex on the first date. This is not to say that I have sex with every girl I date, or even that every girl I've gone out with has even been interested in me. It is simply to say that the overwhelming majority of my "situations" have been one date situations, for whatever reason and on the occasions that the woman is interested in me, we usually end up having sex.

To make matters worse (or more clear), I can meet someone on Thursday, call her on Friday, and usually by the end of that conversation we're talking about sex and she's ready to go at it, even if we were talking about politics at the beginning of the conversation. In the end, one of two things usually happens:

1: I have sex and never see the girl again (even if I call), or

2: I never see the girl again and never have sex with her (even if I call).

This is both a serious compliment to me (who doesn't want to be sexy?) and a serious impediment as I'd like to actually get to know one of these women and find someone decent to have a relationship with. However, without knowing how to prevent the sex and/or the running away (on the occasions that the woman is interested but decides not to pick up the phone ever again) from happening, it is proving difficult to figure out the cause and thus prevent it from happening.

Asking the women hasn't yielded any answers, nor has asking the few female friends I have left. One did mention that she thought my intelligence might be a problem for most women... then she became attracted to me and I never saw her again... others have mentioned that I have a sexy speaking voice... but nothing I feel that can really help me out. Do you have any ideas?

Dear Reader:

I think you must be, consciously or not, leading the conversation to sex. It's probably a habit you have developed over years, and it works for you to some degree, so you aren't really aware of it. You're right. Sex on the first date almost always means it's a one-night stand. So, if you want a real, lasting relationship, you've got to learn to say "later;"  postpone sex until at least the fourth or fifth date. and give both of you a chance to get to know each other.

My guess is the women don't take you seriously. They think you're a player, you're using them, and they decide to just have sex with you (or not) to use you for their pleasure, but they don't want to see you again, because they don't believe you'll be faithful. You may have developed an unconscious habit of leading the conversation to sex, which makes you look like a player to the women. Therefore, they decide there's no possibility of a relationship, so they either decide to have a one-night stand or to forget it.

To change the habit, you have to decide to wait until at least the third or fourth date to have sex, and to monitor your conversation style to remove sexual hints and invitations. This is not so easy to do, but it can be done. You have to begin with a conversation with yourself, about what you want right now, and what you want for real.  "Asking for What You Want" will show you the difference between immediate gratification (one night stand) and long-term satisfaction (relationship.)

Understand which one you're going for. If you just want a quickie, fine, there's nothing wrong with it. But, know it usually means the relationship will go no farther. Usually, it's too difficult to figure out if you want a real relationship on one date, so that's why I say have at least four or five dates, to give you an idea of who this woman is, and whether you'd like a real relationship with her.

Do different things on your dates than you've been doing. Do your usual dates involve drinking? This lowers inhibitions, and makes sex more likely. Do you invite women home with you, or go to their home? That also increases the odds that you'll have sex right away. Instead, take a date somewhere different. Avoid bars. Try a little neighborhood restaurant, and limit yourself to a glass of wine.

For a second date, invite the woman to take a walk somewhere (a nice park, a zoo, a museum) or take her to a ball game (the local college game is cheaper than a pro game, and usually more fun.) Figure out what you're interested in, and try sharing that. If the two of you have similar interests, you're more likely to be compatible.

Perhaps you need to change where you're finding women in the first place: my article "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will give you some new ideas.   Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has more ideas on how to make your dating more successful.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I have strong feelings for my plastic surgeon

Dear Dr. Romance:

I saw you on the web and thought I would ask you about my attraction to my plastic surgeon. I am almost 50, and have been having procedures done for 6 months now. He is my age and married with 2 school-age children and a younger wife.  I have very strong feelings for him and NO, it is not transference. I have felt that before while in therapy and this is different.

He is very good looking and I was attracted to him immediately. He always kisses me on my cheek (lately it is getting closer to my lips) he told me I was an amazing woman. When I ask him in what way; he said in every aspect from my personality to the way I heal to my great attitude on life. He likes my hair. He said I was wonderful when I told him I was attracted to him and I thought he was very good looking and found it difficult to keep my distance from him.

He took my hands in his one time (interlocked) and pulled me toward him and than back. I know he is not able to respond to me directly without risking losing his license. Is it my imagination or is he attracted to me maybe feeling something for me? Or, is he just being very nice. That is something else too. He told me I was so nice and it was rare in his business to have a patient like me and he appreciated it very much. I want him and know I can't be with him. How do I deal with it?  I really feel the need to tell him my feelings before I can let them go. I will be finished soon with my surgeries and won't see him for 3 months then 6 months and finally 1 year. Any advice ? 

Dear Reader:

You're not going to like this answer. If you really need plastic surgery, find another doctor. What are you thinking? He's a married man, and he's making money off you: that's why he kisses your cheek. You're living in a fantasy world, and it's very unhealthy for you. Run, do not walk, back to therapy. Please read  "True Beauty: Honor the God or Goddess In You" "Where is Love?" and "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" You deserve to have a happy life, and these articles will point you in the right direction. The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will help you re-evaluate and refocus to create a happier life.  52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A Guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth will help you get on a more even keel and lay the foundation for finding a new relationship.

   

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I need your help fast!

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am so happy I could find someone like you to talk to. I am a regular guy and I use your articles for my relationship and it has really helped me. But I am sending you this mail because I need your assistance and i need it fast.

The problem is I have a very hot temper and it is always affecting me when me and my spouse argue. We love each other and understand each other but she is always doing things that gets me upset and then it leads to anger. She gets carried away with friends easily and she forgets what we have to do sometimes or even forgets to call me till I call. She says she's sorry but she does it all the time.

Things like this makes me get angry but the more I try to control it she does the same thing again . What can I do to control my anger and make my relationship work out?

Dear Reader:

The first thing you get wrong is that you think because something makes you angry, you are entitled to throw a temper tantrum. This is wrong. You can learn to control your temper, stay rational, and ask for what you want. Don't be so proud of your hot temper. It's a big problem, and it will eventually get you in trouble, if it hasn't already.  Correcting it will not be fast: you have to devote time and energy to change.

Your spouse doesn't listen to you because she has learned to shut you out. She probably feels that nothing she does is right anyway, so why bother to try and please you? "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will help you and your wife  learn how to negotiate and make agreements that you can both keep. "Anger -- Cleansing Squall or Hurricane" will show you how  to keep your anger under control, and "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" will show her how to make promises she can keep about time. "How Not to Fight" will teach you how to relate better to each other, and  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will help you both understand how to negotiate and communicate effectively.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Now that we are together things have changed.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been dating this girl for 3 months now but we were talking and going on occasional dates for a good 5 months before we finally made it official. Now that we are together things have changed. She ignores me when we are around friends and family. When I ask her if she wants to do something or just hang out she always finds an excuse and i end up finding out she went out with her friend at the last second. I finally tried talking to her about it and she said that she wasn't in the mood and every time I try to she just says the same thing. I really don't know what to I really do like her a lot, but I hate being treated like crap.

Dear Reader:

Apparently, she wasn't really ready to make it official. She's taking her distance from you. I recommend that you offer to go back to being just friends, and see what she says. You can't make her want to be nice to you, but you can let her go if she's not. Telling her you want to make it unofficial might be a wake-up call.  If she's feeling pressured and overwhelmed, getting more space from you may be just what she needs to understand that you're important in her life.  "Letting Go Takes Love" and "Getting to Yes" will help you understand how and why to back off. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition  will help you understand what a mutually satifying relationship is; and give you guidelines for establishing balance and mutuality in your relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: She cannot forgive all the hurt I have caused her

Dear Dr. Romance

I came across your name in an article titled "How Not to Repeat Past Relationship Mistakes".  My wife and I have been together for over ten years, and  have 3 children. and my wife has a daughter from a previous relationship.  We have been seeing a marriage counselor because my wife has been unhappy with me for years. Several months ago, she told me she wanted a divorce. She claims that I pushed her away with my behavior (anger, mood swings, etc.) and has fallen out of love with me. I begged her to stay. I promised her we would seek counseling and that I would change my ways.

She has stuck around and has been telling me she is trying to find it within her heart to want to continue with our relationship. A recent argument has put us back to what feels like square one. She told me she is leaving to live her life without me in it. I am desperate. I love my wife tremendously and I am willing to do anything and everything it will take to save our marriage.

Counseling at this point does not seem to be helping us. Lisa has said during counseling sessions that she doesn't understand how anyone can make her love me again. I believe she truly wants to leave me for good but struggles within herself when it comes to hurting me. I have been pouring my heart out to her constantly until she made me promise to stop and to just give her some time and space.

I don't know who to turn to at this point. She has moved out of our bedroom and into the spare bedroom for the third time now. Our youngest child for the second time has asked why mommy isn't sleeping in our bed anymore. She cannot forget all of the hurt I have caused her. I feel like we need strong intervention to help us heal the pain in our past so that we can start to rebuild our relationship. 

Dear Reader:  

From what you're telling me, I think couples counseling is not the right way to go. You need counseling for your own "behavior (anger, mood swings, etc.)" As long as you have an anger problem, you won't be able to sustain a relationship, with your wife or anyone else. I recommend you get individual counseling immediately, and be serious about it. If you can't manage your own moods, emotions and reactions, your wife will never reconcile with you.  When you get help for yourself, your wife will see and understand that.

 "Anger: Cleansing Squall or Hurricane?" "Fair Fight Guidelines" and "How Not to Fight" will help you understand your anger and what to do about it.  "How to Be Irresistible to Your Mate" will give you what you need to try and repair things with your wife.  Couples counselors differ in expertise. I am not familiar with the one you're seeing, but if that counselor hasn't insisted you get help for your anger and mood swings, then it's not the right counselor for you. You need individual counseling.  Use the "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" to find a counselor who will be very tough and interactive if you want rapid change. The counselor should give you homework. If you fix this quickly, you might have a chance to save your marriage. You may have waited too long, but at least you can fix the problem so your anger doesn't destroy your next relationship.

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed will teach you how to discuss problems without fighting.  52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A Guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth will help you understand why you're so angry, and you can use it as a workbook with your therapist.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I believe he is a good man at heart

Dear Dr. Romance:

My husband left to be with a much younger women. The problem became obvious in our marriage 3 years ago. I thought It would be something we would surpass.

I was confused and did not act until one Friday night he did not come home to sleep. He came back that Saturday night and my kids were so happy to see him that I did not ask him to leave that night. Monday morning I finally got the courage and I confronted him and he told me that this girl was taking care of him like I used to do when we were dating.  He said he was planning to leave and he was just making sure I could take care of things myself.

He came back twice and I thought he wanted to work things out but only stayed for a week each time. It has been 10 months since he last left. Somebody has left beheaded doves, chickens, women's underwear (when he was still at home) and other spells on my yard. I know he is a grown man who is able to have a will of his own but all these things confuse me since I believe he is a good man at heart.

He is making a lot of money and has a position of power for the first time in his life. I feel I need to sort things out with somebody with experience like you that can help me accept our failure. Thanks for listening.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I'm thinking that when your husband began making a lot of money, he became a lot more attractive to the kind of women he didn't think he could have, and he's childishly living out a fantasy. He is not thinking with his heart. He may not ever be back. You have to accept the fact that he's gone, and protect yourself and your children by suing for divorce.

I don't know what to tell you about the spells in your yard: it could be him or his girlfriend, or it could even be unrelated. Spells will not hurt you; either clean them up and ignore them, or put a counter spell in your own yard if you believe in that.

Most marriages that split apart like this already have lost their caring connection, which allows the straying spouse to make excuses for his behavior. You need a lawyer: do whatever it takes to get one, and your husband will probably have to bear the court costs. At least get a consultation. You need to know the divorce laws in your state, and to know the right steps to take, or you can really damage yourself and your children financially.

You're upset and grieving right now, and angry, too. I completely understand that. But, in the midst of your grief, you have to be sure you take care of yourself and your children legally and financially. " How to Move on After a Breakup or Divorce" will help you think more clearly and avoid creating problems for yourself. The following tips may also help you.

Dr. Romance’s 3 tips for letting go of the pain of divorce

If your marriage ends in divorce, you lose more than the marriage itself. Even if your marriage had problems, or you were the one who wanted out, you still will have grief over the dreams and hopes which have died with the relationship. The overwhelming feeling of loss can be confusing and difficult to understand. The following tips will help you move through these feelings and begin to focus on the future.

1. Get Support: The people around you will express a lot of conflicting feelings, because they’re experiencing shock and loss, too. This may be a time when you find out who your true friends are. Some of your friends will avoid dealing with you, or choose your ex. You need trusted friends, family, and a church or support group who will care about you, listen to you, and not judge or try to get you to “get over it.” 

2. Talk or write it out: Talk and write until you’ve expressed all of your grief and loss, anger, confusion and disappointment. Assume you have a specific number of tears to shed, and the more you express your feelings, the quicker you will come to the end of the tears. Be aware that expressing all your grief may be more than some of your support system want to hear. A support group, clergy person or therapist will be able to listen without judging until you’ve said everything you need to say.

3. Have a ceremony: When you feel ready, create a ceremony for letting go of your grief. You may want to include some of your close friends, ritually destroy a memento which symbolizes your grief or the lost relationship, and share your hopes for the future.   

You will need to rebuild your life and your self-esteem. The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will help you complete the processing of this divorce and figure out how to live well in your new situation.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Is this unhealthy and what should I do about it?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Do I have an unhealthy celebrity obsession?  I really need answers and help! I feel this is still unresolved? Does anyone else have an obsession with a particular celebrity to the degree that you wanna look, act, talk, dress and live like them? I do, I wanna look like her in photos. If I don't I'm upset, I live like her as in if she does something then I do it, if she does her hair in a certain way I copy it that's how obsessed I am with looking like her. I'm asking if anyone else does this and I'm asking if this is unhealthy and what should I do about it??

Dear Reader:

This is a self-esteem issue. You don't feel good enough about yourself, so you're trying to feel better by copying someone else. You need to repair your relationship with yourself.  "True Beauty: Honor the God/Goddess Within You", "Your Bestest Friend - You" and "Your Primary Relationship" will help you begin to reevaluate what attractiveness and self-worth are.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction helps you go through an in-depth process to heal your inner relationship and overcome the pain of the past.  52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A Guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth   is a journaling process to help you gain a better mental outlook

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't want to leave without saying goodbye

Dear Dr. Romance,

I have developed feelings for my co-worker and during the past several months, we have had very brief encounters, that were limited to greetings. Due to the small work place, I could not go and talk comfortably to him without eliciting attentions/rumors. I will be leaving my job at the end of this week to start grad school and really want to talk to him for the last time. I just want to say goodbye and say if he ever wants to keep in touch he can contact me. I was thinking about leaving a note on his car but I am not sure whether it's appropriate. Would you please please help me with this dilemma? I really don't want to leave without saying goodbye : (

Dear Reader:

Your leaving is the perfect opportunity to give this connection a chance. He's unmarried, right? However, I don't think a note on his car is a good idea. Do you know his phone extension at work? If you do, call and (if he doesn't answer) leave him a message, identify yourself so he'll know who is talking, and say you just want to say goodbye, and thank him for something (even if it's something small, like his friendly greetings.) Say you wish you could have gotten to know him better, leave your number or extension and hang up.

The message shouldn't take more than 15 seconds. Don't ramble on: make a note of what you want to say, and say it with a smile in your voice. If he answers, then say it in person, but don't hang up; give him a chance to respond, but don't keep him talking. It's better to give him the idea that you're interested, then back off. If you know his e-mail at work, you can do it that way, too. Just say the same thing. If the only thing you can do is leave a note, I guess it's OK, but it's tacky and won't leave as good an impression. Good luck. You wasted a chance on this, and you should change your approach in the future. "Turn on Your Charm"  will help you develop a way to get men more interested in you.  "Where is Love?" and "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"  will get you on the right track to find someone who can be a real partner. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has just what you need to make dating successful.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Why is my ex still calling me?

Dear Dr. Romance:  

I was dating this guy for about 2 years. During the time that we were together we had some good times and bad. For one he was cheating on me with another girl then we got back together. During that time we worked hard to make the relationship work then I found out that he was sleeping with someone else. When I found this out, I finally left him alone.

After our break up he has moved in with another female and he is constantly calling me at least once or twice a week. Put it this way he will call to see how I am doing, what I am up to, he will call and ask me for advice, or he will talk about what he is up to and the changes he has made in his life. I have told him since he has a girlfriend to leave me alone and not to call me anymore. He has stated that he wants to be friends, I told him no and that he needs to be friends with his new girlfriend not me. He would also deny the fact that he was living with someone else but I knew he was. Sometimes I answer and sometimes I don't.

There has been times when I don't answer the phone he will call my house phone. He is constantly begging me for sex but I always tell him no. Today he called me and he wanted me to meet him down the street because he wanted to see me. I went (I probably shouldn't have). During this time he was asking me about was I in a new relationship and things such as if I get horny. Every time he has called me and has wanted to meet up and have sex I have told him no. He has also been asking my friends questions about me. Does this mean that he wants me back or he just wants me for sex?

I also told him that I might be moving out of town. He told me if I did he was coming with me. I told him he wasn't and what about his girlfriend he said he would leave her. I am so confused, I still care for this guy even after all the things he has done to me. But I refuse to let him know it. When he does call I'm like what do you want and to leave me alone but he still continues to call ( I try to be hard like I don't care). When he do call me he calls me restricted. I never contact him and I don't ask his friends or family about him. Please provide me with some advice with what to do. Does he realize that he wants me back or what?

Dear Reader:

This guy doesn't want a monogamous relationship with anyone. He wants someone to be there for him, and have everything else he wants, too. Your feelings are not considered. So, don't waste another moment on him. Block his calls and e-mails, unfriend him from Facebook, get rid of him. Don't wait for him to do it -- he won't. He'd love to have you for backup, when he feels like cheating on whomever he's with now. But, there's nothing in that for you. Stop projecting your feelings on to him. The fact that he's calling doesn't mean he cares. You need to learn judgment about the guys you date. "Dating: Don't Be His Backup Plan,"  "You Be the Judge" and "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will help you understand the difference between someone who cares and someone who just wants to use you. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you establish relationships on a more equal basis.

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I am feeling overwhelmed to the point I just want out

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read some of the things you stated about marriage. Why people divorce. I am feeling overwhelmed lately. To the point I just want out. I have been married for over 17 years. We have 2 school-age children together. I am in school full time and work full time and still have a household to run. Can you please help me find a counselor? You are a blessing to all who reads and speak with you. Keep doing your daily work. God Bless.

Dear Reader:

 I'm sorry you're having a tough time, and I understand how overwhelmed you must be. I don't know anyone in your area, but "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a good therapist. Therapy will help you figure out how to conquer your feelings of overwhelm and get your life under control.  In the meantime, "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" and "Asking for What you Want" will help you calm down and understand what you need to do.

I'm sure your husband loves you, but doesn't know what you want, and is probably lost in his own little world. You can learn the skills to bring him out and get him to do his share for his family.

Many men believe if they earn the money, that's enough. They have to be taught to take responsibility for child care, household maintenance, and their marriage. Women often just do everything, and complain, which falls on deaf ears. Men need to be asked directly "Will you please vacuum, do the dishes, etc." And they often need to be taught how, if their mothers didn't teach them. (I hope you teach your sons what their responsibilities are, so they'll be equipped when they grow up.)

This feels like a lot of effort on your part, when you're already overwhelmed, but it will lead to you having to do less, and feeling more like you and your husband are a team. Breaking up will be a tragedy for your kids, and you may never find another partner better than your husband. Better to train him to be the partner you want. Begin today by asking him directly without emotion, for what you want instead of suffering, complaining, nagging or whining.

How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will help you understand how relationships work and How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will teach you the skills you need to communicate and ask for what you want.

           

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I feel like we have to sneak around and hide

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am in a relationship with a man who twenty years younger. He is black, and I am white. We are very much in love.  The problem is that my parents are very much against my dating a black man. They do not like the age difference either, but the being black is worse. This is causing a problem in our relationship because I am putting up a wall between us because of my parents. I know how old I am and that I should not let my parents rule my life, but I am very close to my parents and my family.

I have 3 brothers. All of them are also against me being with a black man. I have a son, so all I want for him is to be happy, and he wants me to be happy. I wish my parents felt the same way about me.

I am so happy and in love with this man. I feel like we have to sneak around and hide because of my parents. I feel like a teenager who is going to get caught. Should I tell them that I have continued to date this man, even though they have forbidden it? I feel like I can move on with my life if I tell them, but I may lose my parents and brothers for good. What do you think? Thank you for any help you can give me. 

Dear Reader:

In my experience with people who fall in love outside of their families' expectations, and I've seen many cross-cultural relationships, the families object as long as they think they have a chance of dissuading the family member from staying in the relationship. In most cases (not all) once the family understands the relationship is not going anywhere, they accept it. They may never get comfortable, but they don't disown you.

It's important to consider this carefully, because you're in a hormone-flooded state right now. You have cultural differences and age differences that will present problems in the future. The problems can be surmounted, however, if you are both able to be mature about it and work through the issues. I don't know if you've met his family, but it's a good idea to do so as soon as possible. By all means, let your family know you're still dating this man.  They'll never accept that you're serious if you're sneaking around.

It's time to grow up and let your family know that you love them, but they're not in charge of you. Whether this relationship succeeds or not, your family should know that it's what you're doing. They don't have to know details. You can let them know each new stage as it happens; don't project too far into the future.  "Mirrors and Teachers" and "Creating Family Acceptance" have helpful information about responding to your family in a different way. The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will help you think more clearly about this, and give you guidelines for talking with your family.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: How do I make him understand?

Dear Dr. Romance:

How do I make him understand? So my soon-to-be-ex is still in the house as well as myself! This is not working! He keeps trying to make things better, but I don't feel anything for him anymore. He has been better to me but is still very rude to our son and says hurtful things to him! He also says rude things about teammates on my sons ball team and doesn't think he is being rude and doesn't care if other people hear what he says! I can no longer deal with this! I'm tired of feeling bad about myself and I'm ready to have a life for me ! Now how do I make him understand it is over without feeling bad when his tears start falling? He says he don't want to lose me but we have had these problems for several years and he never changes and I just want to be happy and only worry about my sons and my feelings and work on being happy once again! 

Dear Reader:

Here's what you need to understand about your man. You can't just say he's doing it wrong, you have to act on it.  Words alone won't do it.

By the time most women are fed up enough to actually act on their frustration, it's too late for the man to change. Your man will change if you make it clear to him that bad behavior will not be tolerated. Start acting independently, and do the things you want to do on your own.  Don't act like you're his mother.  When you see the tears, tell him he must go to counseling, and go with him to the first session, to tell the therapist what the problems are (because he doesn't get it).

Do this even if you wouldn't take him back if he changed into the world's best husband. Do it for your sons, and your future connections with this man. You will be connected to him for life through your children. If he's convinced you're divorcing him, he will be much more likely to understand that he has a problem.

Until now, he thinks the problem is yours; he probably thinks you're a whiny bitch, and doesn't see his own behavior at all. Hold his feet to the fire, and feel good about doing it. It's high time someone made him grow up.

"Gentle Persistence" and "Asking for What You Want" will help you know how to get your point across.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a good therapist who can help you strengthen your resolve, and another who can help your husband.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition has exercises and guidelines you can use to learn how to communicate even with an uncooperative partner.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I think I'll be eternally grateful

 Thank you Dear Dr Romance:

I've stumbled across your website, and think I'm going to be eternally grateful for having done so. Your advice is a pleasure to read, with helpful action-plans for effecting change. I love your articles on relationships with parents/children, being one's own best friend, and asking for things. If you have written anything about self-motivation and getting past procrastination, I'd be extremely grateful if you could point me in that direction. Very best wishes. Thank you.

Dear Reader:

Thank you so much for your wonderful email. It definitely made my day. I am always glad to hear that the information I make available has helped someone.  To answer your question,  "Motivation and How to Create It" will show you how to create motivation, "Getting Out of Your Own Way" can help you stop procrastinating,  "Detox Your Life" gives you great action-plans for whatever is in your way and "Four Steps to Success" are simple steps to get what you want. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction is a more complete package of information and exercises to help you overcome issues that disrupt your life and peace.  You'll love the diagrams that help you understand how belief systems are formed and reinforced; and also how to change the old habits and patterns that you have outgrown.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I need something to break the ice!

Dear Dr. Romance:

What to say in this situation?  OK so there's this girl in my art class that i really want to talk to and get to know! Problem is she sits at a different table then me and i just plain don't know what to say to her! I'm a senior and she's a sophomore! What should I say to her to show her I'm interested in her? I haven't talked to her yet so I need something to break the ice! 

Dear Reader: 

To break the ice, break something! Break a colored pencil, or a crayon or something, and then go ask her if you can borrow hers. Or, just say something nice about her artwork. Caution: Don't say anything at all about her body; women don't take that as a compliment. Aside from physical characteristics, what interests you most about her? Have you heard something she said that intrigues you? Go ask her about it! If you focus on what's interesting about her (other than her body or her looks) you'll have a lot to talk about. Ask her how she's handling the current class assignment, or ask her for some help with something. It's not so hard, if you just follow what's interesting. "Turn On Your Charm" gives guidelines you can follow to succeed with her.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you step-by-step instructions for flirting and starting conversations that will lead to a relationship. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: How do I make sure he's not looking for a visa green card marriage?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I met a cute guy that's a foreigner in the USA from Russia so....... How do I make sure he's not looking for a visa green card marriage?

Dear Reader:

Whether or not he wants a green card isn't the real question. The real question is, does he have good character, and does he love you, and do you love him? Take your time to get to know him, and find out what makes him tick. Does he have a job here? How is he making a living? Make sure he has no other attachments. Get to know his friends, and let your friends meet him -- you'll learn a lot through other people's eyes. Don't listen to his words, pay attention to his actions. Don't get ahead of the relationship. "Stupid Cupid" will help you figure out whether you two are ready to be serious.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will show you how to get to know any date better.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr Romance: How do you dump someone without hurting them?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am in a bit of a weird situation... I'm 16 and I am engaged to a guy I only met 2 months ago. I thought he was joking so I just went along with it, and it was only when he gave me a ring and started talking about venues and dates that I realized he was serious. I only started dating him because I felt sorry for him. He really isn't my type of guy - he's obsessed with drugs and alcohol, and he does crazy things like jump off roofs and race cars, and he is always in some kind of trouble with some other druggies. He has been put in hospital twice because he gets into fights. I really don't know what to do! I am way too young to get married! But I don't want to tell him in case he does something stupid to 'prove himself' - one time I tried to break up with him and he cut my name into his arms with a shard of glass...

Dear Reader:

OK, this is what happens when you don't take relationships seriously. This guy is obsessive, and therefore dangerous. He hurt himself the first time you tried to break up, the next time he could hurt you. If you're not in school together, and you can cut him off, do it right away, by text message, phone or e-mail. Don't worry about hurting him, he's going to hurt whatever you do. Tell him he's not stable enough and you're not old enough, and you have to break it off. Urge him to get help. Then block his calls, texts, e-mails and your Facebook page or whatever social media you share.  If you are in the same school and classes, you're going to have to have some help. Ask your parents, the school counselor or a trusted teacher, if you have one, to help you keep this guy at bay. Please take this seriously. He needs help, and you need protection.  "Setting Boundaries and Saying No" will show you how to take care of yourself.

You will not be responsible if you "friend" hurts himself, it is almost inevitable that he will, no matter what you do.  My concern is that you not allow him to hurt you.  "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" will help you understand how not to repeat this mistake.  "Guidelines for Successful Dating" shows you what appropriate dating is like.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you recover from this disaster and take you step-by-step through the process of finding a great companion.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I like the feeling of getting cut

Dear Dr. Romance:

is it normal to like the feeling of glass cutting your skin?

I like the feeling of getting cut.......this isnt good is it?...

Dear Reader:

You're right --it's not good. What it means is that you are emotionally numb, and looking for sensation to feel alive. The numbness is probably because you're suppressing feelings about bad things that
happened. You deserve a happier life. Therapy can help you figure out what's wrong and sort it out.  Please do yourself a favor and find a good therapist. My article  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"   will show you how to find a good therapist and get started.  You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK.  They will help you find a knowledgeable therapist or group in your area that can help you.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 
will help you understand what you're feeling and how to change it.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Why do I not care that my girlfriend broke up with me?

Dear Dr. Romance:

This girl wasn't really my girlfriend but we pretty much were dating. I was thinking of asking her out in a few days. We talked today and she said she would rather be friends. I thought I should be mad or sad but the weird thing is I don't really care. Why? Is this normal? Is there something wrong with me? Please help! Thanks

Dear Reader:

It sounds like you two just weren't that great a match, and you didn't have a chance to bond. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. You could learn something about yourself if you took a little time to think about what you liked and didn't like about this girl. Why were you attracted to her? What do you think made her turn you down? It might help you make a choice in the future. "You Be the Judge" will help you use your own judgment to decide whether someone is a good bet for a relationship or not. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today gives you guidelines and information on how to make connections and keep them going.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I just want a way to resolve the yelling.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been together with my wife for about 3 years now. We have worked on many issues in our marriage and resolved most of them, however there is still one issue that has not been resolved.

It seem that little mistakes I make such as not taking out the trash when it smells after I come home from work, makes her so angry that she shrieks at me, and I mean shriek not yell. During these times I refuse to yell back and it makes me feel like a door stop. I have read several books on that matter and it says to not yell at her in anyway and walk away from her and tell her that I am not walking away because I am ignoring you but out of respect for myself and you. This does not seem to make a difference.

Afterwards she does apologize but it seem misplaced and half hearted. We talk and she says that it will not happen again yet only hours later it happens again. I just want a way to resolve the yelling. I am afraid that when we have children her anger will be directed at them like it was in her childhood. I am just looking for some answers. Thank you so much for taking the time in reading this.

Dear Reader:

I'm very proud of you for not yelling. Just because your wife throws temper tantrums, doesn't make it a good idea for you to do that. Don't stoop to her level. You need to act in such a way that her bad behavior doesn't work. Definitely don't have children until your wife learns better behavior.  Apparently, she learned this behavior from her family, and doesn't realize how destructive it is, because she herself survived it.  

I strongly recommend that you go to couples therapy, and talk about this problem. A good therapist will back you up in telling her that her anger is dysfunctional and over the top. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a good one. "How Not to Fight" will show you why fighting doesn't work and what to do instead.  You can both benefit from reading the following articles together: "Anger: Cleansing Squall or Hurricane" and "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" 

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together  or Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed  will teach you what you can do instead of yelling and fighting.

 For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Why is there no support line for men?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Thank you for writing "Lighten Up - Cures for Marital Boredom."  Please allow me to give my opinion as to my priorities. I always had the idea to start from the bottom of your list and go upwards. Work together to create a partnership. Sex is important in life, but not number one as to your list. Unless a couple iron out their difficulties, of what ever nature. the problem remains hidden for next time to crop up. If a wife at home works as a maid, then a cook, phones her friends to know news about them, and by 6:30 PM she is off to bed; Is this the married life?

It was never my intention, in nearly 40 years together, I received 5 birthday cards, but funny enough, she reminds every one three weeks before her birthday. If she doesn't treat me the same way I treat her, how can we have a smooth life? I never missed her birthday/or a present. But she asks: How much does it cost? The price is beyond, its the respect, perhaps that's what we could afford.

In my bloody country is a craze, about marriage/women beaten. Instead of setting up a helping line, they are influencing women to leave home. I do not support beating, but, this system is not the solution. Even for the state to pass laws, we must find out why. Why is there no support line for men? Keep giving your good work, perhaps we meet in heaven.

Dear Reader:

You have to begin wherever you can. Find a way to talk to your wife. She probably has some confused ideas about marriage, but I'm sure she can learn. Ask her what she wants in a husband, besides gifts. That will get a conversation started. Tell her you would like to improve your relationship with her. Ask her to tell you the things she tells her friends, if she will. When she gets the idea that you will listen to her, she'll be more likely to listen to you. Culture is often a problem in every relationship, in every country.  We have to work together with our partners to transcend culture and create relationships that work for us, despite the traditions and myths. "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will explain how you and your wife can work together to be happier. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition has a lot of excellent information and exercises you can use to open up your communication and begin to work together.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I just do the best I can to stay in my loving heart.

Dear Dr. Romance:

Quite honestly, all the info in "Lighten Up - Cures for Marital Boredom" is great, but if your list of recommendations were a test, we have failed everyone or most of them. I am walking lightly around here, just knowing, somehow, somewhere in time, we will find our way back into each others space, or away from all this, when the survival mode is no more, for now, I just do the best I can to stay in my loving heart. Have a delicious day.

Dear Reader:

They're not a test, they're things for you to try out. Instead of being resigned try having fun. If he won't do it with you, then try doing it by yourself, but in his presence. Laugh at funny videos, turn on a comedy show, put on some good music and dance around. You'll feel better, and he will eventually be tempted to have some fun, too.

Dr. Romance on Getting What You Want:

If you have difficulty in knowing what you want and communicating it, try these steps:

1. Get clear about what you want: You can’t express what you want effectively if you’re not clear what it is, so before approaching your partner, your boss or your child with a request, think about it and make sure you can write it down in one clear sentence. 

2. Create a good atmosphere: If asking for what you want is difficult for you, don’t do it without preparation. Make sure you and the person you’re asking both have time, and invite the other person to sit down and talk with you.

3. Simply state what you want: Don’t preface your statement with a lot of disclaimers – they make the other person feel accused of something. Just ask, politely, for what you want.

4. Be prepared to accept a “no.”: Remember, if you can’t accept a no answer, then you’re making a demand, not a request, so have a backup solution. Find a way to get what you want for yourself, even if the other person isn’t cooperating. For example, if you don’t get that raise you deserve, maybe it’s time to begin a job search. 

5. Listen politely to the other person’s answer: Whether the other person says yes, no, or something in between -- listen carefully to what he or she says. Don’t get all caught up in a lot of worry and noise inside your head – pay attention. You need to know what the answer is.

If you follow these steps, you’ll find you’re successful a good percentage of the time, and when you aren’t you have a backup plan – so you really can’t lose.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will help you understand your husband, and then help him to understand you better, too. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I love him to death but if I can't find a solution

Dear Dr. Romance,

My name is Michelle i am 18 years old.. I was reading "How Not to Fight"; and everything that you talked about not doing during a fight I tend to do. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we tend to fight a lot about the smallest things that you could possibly imagine. I am usually the one who doesn't blow up or yell. I tend to hold everything in, but I do cry a lot.

He says really hurtful things that hurt my feelings. When I do get mad I try to win the fight and prove my point instead of trying to find the solution like you say.  When he gets mad he yells and even calls me names like a bitch or a dumbass, which hurts my feelings.. and I tell him constantly that I don't like when he does that because I don't do that to him so why does he do that to me and his response is because I act dumb. but in all honesty doctor I don't think I act dumb. I just like to talk about ways to improve our relationship and he is a very closed person he doesn't share his feelings.. well now he doesn't.  

We had been broken up for 7 months and we recently got back together. and during the 7 months of us being broke up I dated 3 guys. but I never took them seriously per say. I went on a couple of dates with one of them and the other 2 I went on 1 date each. but when I was with those guys I realized I wanted to be with my ex (3 year guy), but I had no way to contact him. he dated 5 girls while we were apart. now that we are back together all he talks about is what I did with those guys. but the thing is I don't ask him because it has nothing to do with me what he did with those girls so why is he asking me. He constantly throws it in my face that I dated 3 guys, but isn't he being a hypocrite? Since all he is concerned about is what I did with those guys we can't have a healthy relationship because all he does is fight with me.  Before we had broken up he would be very affectionate and be very understanding and caring, but now what is left of our relationship is horrible. I love him to death but if I can't find a solution to this we are going to have to break up for good; so please help me/us.

Dear Reader:

I'm not sure why you're with such an abusive guy. You need to learn to stand up for yourself, and not accept name-calling and abuse from him. You may have to break off the relationship again and then give him conditions for getting back together. He thinks it's OK to control you, and he won't listen to you tell him it's not, so you have to act on it. You will get treated in the way you accept. If he starts yelling, calling you names, and being abusive, leave. Even if it's nighttime, in a restaurant or in front of friends, just get up silently and leave. Grow up and get in control of your own behavior. Read "Setting Boundaries and Saying No" and get a copy of my book, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together  to understand more about how not to fight. You deserve a much better relationship than this jerk can give you. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Should I give up on his love?

Dear Dr. Romance:

We'd been really close and intimate. I thought we were going to be in a special relationship soon because he told me we were having something special. No matter how tired he was, he'd had his dinner with me.

He got paranoid every time I threatened to stop talking to him when he got me all jealous. recently I was questioning him texting other girls and we brought up the 'freedom' matter. He thinks it's a freedom to text any girls he wants to.  He knows how much it'd hurt me every time I think of him doing that. I asked him if I was just an ordinary friend to him and he suggested that we'd be best friends, just like what he's doing with some other girls!  He said he didn't want to hurt me anymore and that he didn't want to confuse himself but he wants to remain close with me?

Eventually I made up my mind that I should stop any form of contact, at all. Did I make the right move, for I know it'd definitely hurt me more to be his "best friend" while loving him. Loving someone but not getting to own that person? It's going to hurt me more, isn't it?

Just when I think about all the things he'd done, like, having dinner with me although he was so darn tired etc. etc., it makes me think that it's a waste to give up on this love. =(

Dear Reader:

Yes, you made the right move. He's not even close to being ready for a relationship, or he just doesn't care very much about you. This is not love. He may be kind, but he's not caring. He doesn't have enough integrity to commit. He's not done messing around, and if you take the relationship seriously, while he's not, you're going to experience a lot of pain. Be friends with him if you want to, but stop looking for more. Find someone else to love.  "When Love is Kind"  will help you recognize the importance of kindness in a relationship.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will show you a fun, safe and effective way to find a guy who can really care about you. Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will give you a better idea of what a successful relationship is.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: How do I flirt to grab a guy's attention?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'd like to learn something flirty and funny that will grab a guys attention!?
 I am going bowling with my crush and a group of friends (I never talk to my crush so this is huge!) and I am trying to think of some cute flirty things to say! Any suggestions? Examples please :) -Like lets say I make a mistake and get a gutter ball or fall or something what is something flirty and cute I can say? - Or lets say he is pretty good at bowling- what's a good cute comment?! Stuff like that :) 

Dear Reader:

Guys like to feel competent, so congratulating him on his bowling skill is great. Don't try too hard to be flirty and funny: you could easily come off silly and awkward. Instead, make eye contact, respond to what he's saying or doing, and ask him for help with your bowling. You don't need to create a false personality to attract him. You want him attracted to you, as you are. Just look good (but not slutty) and be alert to whatever he's saying and doing.  "Turn on Your Charm" has more detailed flirting tips. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has the specific conversations you're looking for, plus a lot more tips and exercises to help you get over your self-consciousness.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Do I surprise her with a gift?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I know I feel strongly about a certain someone. Do I surprise her with a gift or e-mail her with my recent feelings through a tough time?

Dear Reader:

It sounds like you're way ahead of yourself and her. I think a gift would be completely out of line at this point. If she's responded well, have you had a date yet? Asked her out for coffee? You're right to be scared about overdoing it. You can't force a relationship by declaring your love. Save that for after you've dated for a while.  Take it one step at a time. If you haven't asked her out, just ask her. If you've been dating for a while, ask her how she feels about commitment and relationships.  "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  will help you be successful with this woman or another.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today can help you with these questions.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Is it more important to be balanced or compatible?

Dear Dr. Romance:

What  is more important in a relationship: being balanced or compatible?

Dear Reader:

 Compatibility trumps balance, but balance may be an important component of compatibility. Compatibility means having similar core values, living together well and comfortably, and being able to talk through problems and reach a mutually satisfactory solution.  Balance is similar to mutuality.  

Differences can be frightening, and make resolving problems and conflicts with our intimate partners tense and difficult. In a relationship intimate enough that we feel a deep bonding or sense of commingled identity, it’s easy to experience disagreements as threatening. Disagreeing seems to indicate we are separate individuals who perceive everything differently, and have different needs and wants, and we fear that we'll be rejected or disapproved of if we are different.

With good communication and negotiation skills, any couple can create satisfying, loving intimacy. When you and your partner know how to cooperate, you can build a partnership in which you:

• Give and take equally.
• Are committed to mutual satisfaction.
• Face problems rather than avoiding them.
• Work together toward mutual satisfaction.
• Feel like a team.
• Treat each other's feelings, wants and needs as important.
• Share thoughts and feelings freely.
• Encourage each other and create excitement as well as comfort and security.
• Feel comfortable, satisfied, stimulated, and thus secure in the relationship.
• Have confidence that your relationship will last.

"Couples Can Cooperate For Success" will help you understand how to achieve mutuality.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition contains information and exercises to help you learn mutuality and cooperation with your partner.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Is it possible to love someone without ever dating them?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Is it possible to love someone without ever dating them? If so, how can you tell that you are in love? 

Dear Reader:

Yes, it's possible to fall in love without dating. For example, if you have a close friend, classmate, work associate, neighbor or friend of a friend that you have spent time with (without dating) you can become attached. Most of the time, however, loving someone from afar has a strong fantasy component, which can be misleading. You don't really know if it's real love without direct experience of the other person face to face. Also, it won't be lasting love if it's not reciprocal. The following tips will help you figure it out:

Dr. Romance's 3 tips to finding true love:

 1. Know the difference between fooling around and building a real relationship. You can mess around with anyone (if you understand the deal and have safe sex) but before you bring someone into your life, or share money or living space, remember they're bringing baggage. Know what's hidden –what's not said at the beginning. Their baggage becomes your problem. Remember, whoever you're dating is on best behavior. It gets worse later, not better.

2. Understand your own needs. Need a lot of space? Want lots of affection? Have to know what's going on all the time? Like to share everything? Or are you able to relax and go with the flow? Whatever your style is, it's OK, but you need to know it and be able to communicate it to your future spouse. You can teach each other, if you both know what you need.

3. Don't seek romance, seek partnership. Romance is for dates, and fun to have on occasion in your marriage, but it's partnership that will get you through the rough times. Don't look for someone who sweeps you off your feet. That indicates a control freak, and you won't like what happens later. Look for someone who likes give-and-take, who seeks your opinion and considers it, who cares about what you want, too.

"Stupid Cupid" and "Is It Love?" will give you more information on how to tell if you're in true love, and Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today covers everything you need to know about dating and developing a relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr Romance: Should I date my girlfriend's best friend?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I need relationship advice!!!? I have been with my girlfriend for 4 months now and her best friend who's a girl is also my best friend and I'm very close with the best friend. me and my girlfriend do fight a lot but there are times where I'm in love with her. and me and the friend have talked bout a few times what it would be like if we went out and know it would be good cause we have similar interest and sense of humor and trust each other so much but i don't what to do so a little advice will help

Dr. Romance Replies:

Haven't you learned anything from the many other fiascoes of famous men who don't respect their relationships? You're about to create a disaster here. And I really don't understand what her best friend is thinking either. I'm glad she's not my best friend. She's more like a worst enemy.

Either break up with your girlfriend, and let some time pass before dating her friend, or just concentrate on fixing the relationship you've got. If you just act on your impulse, you'll ruin several friendships and create a big problem for yourself. Use your brain. "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" will give you some help in fixing your present relationship, if you should decide to do the right thing. How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will help you understand what it takes to get what you want from a relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: What can an older man do to win a younger woman?

Dear Dr. Romance:    

I enjoyed your article: Age Differences in Dating Do you have any articles about younger women dating older men? I'm interested in the younger woman's motivations, and what the older man can say and do to will her affections.
   
Have you written any articles on this or do you know of any books or articles that relates to this? I'm an older guy, interested in younger women, and just needed a basic idea as to what to do. I suppose my specific question is what's the psychology behind a young woman's motivation for an older man? What attracts her to him besides his money and why?

Dear Reader:

Young women who like older men are usually looking for  someone who will take charge, take care of them and protect  them.  That is not always what they get.  The first thing I'd do is examine why you want a younger woman?  If you just want "arm candy" you're probably going to have to pay for it.  Pretty young things don't go usually out with older men unless they're treated extra well.  If you're interested in a particular type of person, focus on that, and not so much on the age.  I've seen many older men wind up alone because they're too focused on age.  It's a common fantasy for lonely older men who are not good at making friends or succeeding in relationships.

Whether or not a relationship is healthy is not determined by age differences, but by the interaction between the partners.  A ten‑year difference is not too difficult to bridge, but differences of twenty years  or more in age can lead to some difficulties as the partners get older.  For example, the younger partner may mature and reconsider his or her choices, or an older partner may confront aging problems much sooner.

As long as both parties are adult, and the couple have talked about the age difference and the future possibilities, I don't make judgements about their ages.  There are healthy and unhealthy reasons to date someone of a different generation.  One motivation for dating a younger person that usually isn't successful would be fear of aging on the older person's part.  Obviously, a man or woman who dates someone as young as his or her children is going to run into some social opposition, but the differences that can cause the most problems are differing maturity levels.  

It depends on what the motivations of both people are.  Some older people feel younger at heart "than their contemporaries, and like to date people who are as active as we are.  Chronological age doesn't always reflect either physical capability or emotional maturity.  Sometimes an age difference is a mentoring relationship; the older person advises the younger one on life or career.  This can backfire when the younger person decides he or she has learned enough, and wants to be more independent.

For more information about creating successful relationships please read "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"; "Aspects of Love"; and "Where is Love?"

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you understand age differences in dating.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm just wondering what I can do for him to like me

Dear Dr. Romance: 

i wear make up skinny jeans hollister shirts cardigans uggs and converse or just boots I love to act sing dance I'm a gr8t actress I'm always working out love to run I'm smart funny short brown hair sometimes jewlery now I have a crush on someone I always talk to him we laugh sometimes I sit next to him at lunch and stuff he seems interested but he won't ask me out last time we talked he was about to ask me to the dance but he didn't idk why but yeh so now I'm just wondering what I can do for him to like me.

 
Dear Reader:  

We're in the modern times, why don't you ask him to have a soda? You don't have to wait. But, after you ask, then let him do the asking next time. Read my article "Asking for What You Want"  You're also way too worried about how you look: laughing and talking and your personality are what will really attract him. A lot of men don't know the difference between an Ugg boot and a flipflop. Read "True Beauty: Honor the God or Goddess in You" to get your act straightened out.  You'll also find good ideas for flirting, opening conversations and beginning a relationship in Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm afraid the age difference means our relationship won't work

Dear Dr. Romance;

I read your article "Age Differences in Dating" I am dating a man who  is 22 yrs, younger than myself.  He appeared older and I appeared younger to him.  Now I'm afraid the age difference means our relationship won't work.  Would you be able to help me with this dilemma?

Dear Reader:

I'm not sure why the age difference is a dilemma.  Whether or not a relationship is healthy is not determined by age differences, but by the interaction between the partners.  A ten-year difference is not too difficult to bridge, but differences of twenty years or more in age can lead to some difficulties as the partners get older.  For example, the younger partner may mature and reconsider his or her choices, or an older partner may confront aging problems much sooner.
 
As long as both parties are adult, and the couple have talked about the age difference and the future possibilities, I don't make judgments about their ages.  There are healthy and unhealthy reasons to date someone of a different generation.  One motivation for dating a younger person that usually isn't successful would be fear of aging on the older person's part.  Obviously, a man or woman who dates someone as young as his or her children is going to run into some social opposition, but the differences that can cause the most problems are differing maturity levels.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will help you resolve this issue, and the articles "Creating Family Acceptance" and "How to Be Irresistible to Your Mate" will help you deal with other people's opinions and create a wonderful, lasting relationships.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Is He Cheating On Me?

Dear Dr. Romance: 

Is he cheating on me? Or am I just being paranoid?  Me and my bf have been together for 15 months now. A couple of weeks ago we broke up and then got back together after a week. When we broke up he kept texting me, asking “Are u happy?” and stuff.

We broke up because he lied to me: he told me he was not going out on that Saturday night; but he did, and didn’t come home for the whole night. I got mad and called one of his friends. As a result we broke up cause he said I don’t TRUST him.

After talking, we decided give it one last chance, so we got back together. Yesterday he was gone a long time. I don’t know, but i feel like he is seeing someone else. The thing is I don’t have any evidence and he keeps telling me I am his only one! What should I do? Should I just trust him? Please help!!!!!!

Dear Reader:

Whether or not he has someone else, something is definitely going on. Maybe he has a drug or gambling problem, instead of another woman. No, don't just trust him. Tell him his behavior is unacceptable, and you can't be in a relationship with him until he grows up. Then break up, and mean it. If he wants to get back together, set some rules for behavior, and if he breaks them, forget him. Don't waste your time hanging on to a guy who won't be honest or commit. That will never work, and you're asking for a lifetime of heartbreak. "Stupid Cupid"  explains what you and your boyfriend should be able to discuss in order to build a working relationship. Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences shows you how to communicate in order to develop a relationship that's real.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Why does he want a relationship?

Dear Dr. Romance:
 
I met this guy through a phone call, but he contacted or got my profile through a friend of mine and he is satisfied through that, and he is convinced that he could have a relationship with me, he needs my affection, fear of God, caring, true feeling of sharing, happiness, my ideology, and philosophy, what he desires most is true love, sincerity and serious relationship. he doesn't want a long courtship because he ready to get married to me, but am confused with the little information he has about, have not seen me face to face except the mail picture, but he promise to see me before the month runs out. 

Dear Reader: 

A phone call, profile and picture is not enough for him or you to decide a relationship is real. Anyone who says he wants to get married, sight unseen, could be dangerous. It's one thing if your culture supports an arranged marriage, and your intended is carefully vetted by your family; but you can't do that on your own. There is nothing in here about what you think of him. Be really careful about this man, and make sure if you do meet him that there are other people around you.  This could be anything from a needy guy, someone who wants to take advantage of you, to a possible kidnapping.  Please be very cautious and take good care of yourself.  If you really want to meet someone suitable,  "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"   will show you where and how to look; and for more in-depth dating information, read Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: How should I tell her I have feelings for her

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm in my first year of high school, but I have no experience in relationships. I'm in contact with a friend who is a year younger than me, and I recently realized I have feelings for her. She's funny and playful, and I just can't help myself. What's your advice on how I should tell her?

Dear Reader:

You don't need to worry about telling her you have feelings for her.  Just invite her out to do something fun, to the next basketball game, to a dance, or to study together.  She'll figure out for herself that you have feelings.  Take it slowly, one step at a time, and you'll be fine.  Read  "Guidelines for Successful Dating" for more help.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will take you step-by-step through the process of dating, from getting yourself ready, to how to meet new people, to what to say and do on a date.  It's designed to make dating fun, safe and successful.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I can't find a way to talk to him

Dear Dr. Romance:

K so there is a guy in one of my classes that I kinda like but he doesn't know me. I can't find a way to talk to him cause I can't ask him to help me with a question cause he is in front and it would look obvious asking him when there are so many smart people around me. We are always doing work in that class so there is no talking time and he leaves the class as soon as the bell rings. So what do I do? 

Dear Reader:

He's probably just shy. The smartest thing to do would be to ask him for help with that class, a homework assignment, or to explain what the teacher said. Beat him to the door as soon as the bell rings and ask him then, or ask at the beginning of class about homework. "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  will help you know what to do next, and "Turn on Your Charm" will help you be at your best when he does notice you. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has information about flirting, meeting someone and starting conversations.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I have been hurt by every guy I have dated

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am in a new relationship for a few months.  I haven't dated for a couple of years on the advice of my therapist. I met a really nice guy on an online dating service which was totally out of my character. He is a really nice guy (Thank God) He lives in a different state so of course I flew up to meet in him (which was also out of my character at the time) but, I did not want to be an 80 yr old woman and wish I had flown up to meet this guy and didn't . I have lived at home all my life even until the day I was married. That marriage lasted only four months, and I am divorced now.

I have been hurt by every guy I have dated. They have either cheated on me, physically abused me, mentally abused me or verbally abused me. So, no,  I don't trust  men. That is why I have not dated for almost three years.  The guy I am currently dating is the the nicest, sweetest, most caring and loving person i have every met he also respects me and I know that he loves me, but  he has been alone for almost 23 years, and he is 5 years older than I am.

There is one thing that he does that I have a hard time dealing with:  He has some girls that he says are just his friends that he talks with via cell, text messages and every other form of communication you can think of. He seems to be sneaky about it.  If I say anything he gets all mad and thinks I trying to control who he talks to .  But If my ex-husband were to call i know that he would be hurt.  I have lost all contacts with all my guy friends because I did not what there to be a problem. I was going into this relationship with no one who could hurt my future relationship because love this guy very much and my relationship is important to me.   I guess I just dont trust him.  I check his phone sometimes.  I just dont want to get hurt again. He knows that I have been in bad relationships and what has happened. 

Please help me find the right solution so I can deal with this the right way.  I want him to feel like he can talk to anyone. I am not a jealous person; I just don't want to get hurt again. I don't trust women and their motives. All of so called girlfriends ended up in bed with my boyfriends. So do you see that TRUST is a very big issue for me and I do not want this guy too pay for what someone else did to me. I really need your help!

Dear Reader:

I'm glad you found a nice guy, but I think you are right to be worried.  You should not give up all your friends for any relationship; it's a very bad thing for your self-esteem and makes you look weak to your boyfriend.  I hope you are still seeing your therapist. Your relationship needs to be fair and equal, open and honest to be real.  I don't think he's taking you very seriously.  Please read the following articles: "Asking for What You Want"  , "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship",  "The Nail in the Fence: Healing Wounds"   and "Setting Boundaries and Saying No"

You can also find help in Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today .  It will teach you how to keep yourself safe while you're dating.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I am not sure what the dating customs of this country are

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read your monthly "Happiness Tips" newsletter and thank you your advice. However, I noticed that you try to help resolve or forestall relationship problems. My problem is still meeting a man that I like. When I go out and see a guy I am attracted to, I do look towards that man and "let" him know I like him. That guy usually looks at me back, but just does not approach me. 

I come from a rather conservative cultural environment where men make first moves, and I am not sure what customs of this country are. Does it mean that most single people meet online nowadays or simply approach a person of their interest in a straightforward manner?

Thank you and continue the positive work.

Dear Reader:
In my private practice, and this blog, I also help people find relationships. I'm also the author of Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  There's a lot of confusion about dating in this country, too.  Some women are comfortable making the first contact, some are not.  I firmly believe the best way to meet is through social contacts.  Meeting a total stranger is very difficult, and there's no way to tell if it's a person you'd really like to know. I recommend what I call the "get a life" method.  That is, you develop a social circle you enjoy and spend time with friends, doing things that are productive and things that are interesting to you.  If you allow this social circle to be large enough, you'll find plenty of people to date, and you'll already know what kind of people they are before you date them.  

The articles, "Where is Love?"   and "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"   which will help you find more effective ways to meet suitable people to date.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Should i try to fuel the desires or calm them?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I saw your article "Age Differences in Dating "  I'm single, in my early thirties.  for the last, I'd say 6 years, i have been extremely attracted to women in their forties.  it's both a physical and mental attraction.  i live in an upscale part of the city and there are so many beautiful older women around.  that seems to fuel the attraction.  I'm not referring to those women that have had tons of plastic surgery, or implants, etc. to try to make themselves appear younger.  I'm attracted to the regular soccer mom type.
 
1) what is causing this?  I've read a lot of the literature about younger men wanting to be with women who don't play games, who are more settled and know what they way, etc.  this is more than that, something more deep-rooted.  when i see an attractive older woman it's like something is activated in my brain, unlike when i see an attractive girl my own age.  when i talk to one on the phone, same thing happens.  don't get my wrong, I'm still attracted to women around my own age, but i think you get my point.
 
2) what can i do to deal with this?  should i try to fuel the desires or calm them?   i have a therapist that i go to but this is a realm of questions that i am just not comfortable asking someone in person.  i just want to start to understand why I've been attracted to women in their 40's since i was in my mid 20's.

 Dear Reader:  No one knows for sure where sexual and romantic attractions come from, but I find with most of my clients there's a connection to childhood or teen years.  Was there a woman about 40, real or fictional (like movies or TV or a magazine) that got your attention when you were young?  Someone you could only dream about?  A teacher, a neighbor, a relative?  Think back, and you may come up with the archetypal woman who formed the basis for your attractions. 

What you should do about it is relax.  It's OK to have fantasies.  You need to remember, though, that the fantasies are not the same as reality.  The women you are attracted to may not be a good match for you in reality.  So, don't let the fantasy run away with you.  If the attractive archetype of your past was an alcoholic, for example, you may find yourself attracted, not only to 40 year old women, but to ones that drink too much. Physical attraction is not enough to base a relationship on. Also, consider that if you get into a lasting relationship, your partner won't be the same age forever. 

Read my article "Stupid Cupid" for more information about what it takes to create a relationship.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you figure out what kind of partner would actually be a good match for you, how to find that person, and how to begin a healthy relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: "My Girl's younger sister proposed to me"

Dear Dr. Romance: 
I'm in college in another country. I have relation with my girl friend since last 3 and half years ago. We have done sexual job in 4 times.  She is very honest and easy going girl. But she stopped her study. I have a good relationship with her still today, As long as I know she has no objection to marry me.
 
However, a few days ago her younger sister gave me her love proposal. She is also very beautiful and very intelligent girl. Now I'm very thoughtful. Cos. I'm thinking that my girl friend sister will be best life partner of mine. Cos. she is very understanding girl. If she get financial support and advice then she will be doctor or engineer or ...
 
But it's not possible to tell my girl friend to forget me. She will be shocked after hearing this. I know it will not be a good job, but I have to think about my future. Her educational qualification is only Class nine. But I had warranted her in several times to continue her study. But Couldn't. Believe or not I was interested to bear her educational expense.
 
I want to do something that, she will forget me without any objection or any.....
Pls. send me yr advice to me. I'm very serious about this matter.

Dear Reader: 
It sounds like you are creating a giant problem for yourself here.  It's very inconsiderate and mean to switch from the older sister to the younger.  The whole family will be angry at you.  If you want to break it off with your girlfriend, then do it honorably.  Tell her you don't want to marry her if she doesn't get her education.  Let at least six months go by, then you can begin dating the younger sister, if she's willing.  Anything else will be creating a problem that will last for your lifetime.  Read "Stupid Cupid"  which will show you what really works in a relationship, and get you thinking more accurately.

You will also benefit from reading Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today.  Which can help you figure out what you really want in a mate.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: she slapped my face and departed

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I recently moved here from the British Isles.  I discovered your Dr. Romance blog and thought you might have some good insight on an experience I had involving an American woman's image of her body.   I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a party a few weeks ago. It was a public event at an art gallery. She was a high school teacher in her early thirties. We had been talking for a good half hour and really seemed to be hitting it off. We had even made tentative plans to meet for coffee sometime.   Then, things suddenly went downhill. I commented that she had a "nice, full, hourglass figure". I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended. She snapped, "Oh really….well perhaps I should do some plus size modeling!" I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only exacerbated things when I used the term "healthy". With a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed.   I will never forget those agonizing moments in the immediate aftermath, as I was standing there alone rubbing my cheek, drawing some judgmental stares from onlookers. Needless to say, it was not my proudest moment.   She had a classic hourglass figure: large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted "hourglass" as meaning big/overweight/full figured. I just thought it meant shapely and well proportioned. When I told a female friend about this she shook her head and said it was never a good idea to comment on a woman's figure when meeting her for the first time, even if I thought it was complimentary. I do have her email address.  Do you think I should send her an apology note or should I interpret the slap in the face as a definitive statement of rejection?

Dear Reader:

Yes, you ran afoul of American craziness about body image.  Your female friend is right.  Stay away from complimenting physical attributes.  You can say someone has "nice eyes" or you like a pretty outfit; but no physical body compliments: they'll always be taken wrong.  Here's what I'd do.  Search online for a greeting card site that has an appropriate apology card, and send it via e-mail.  If there's an option to send a flower, that would help: depending on how much you want to impress this woman.  In the card, say that you apparently ran into "cultural differences" and you had no intention of being rude, that you hope she'll forgive you and have that coffee with you that she was talking about.  
Good luck, and don't fret; if you met one woman and hit it off, there'll be many others. Remember what Bobbie Burns said: "The best laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley".  

LATER:

Dear Dr. Romance:

 Well, instead of sending a fancy greeting card I decided to just send her a simple but sincere apology note:  
We met a few weeks ago at the party in the art gallery. I genuinely meant to compliment you, but in so doing used a poor choice of words that deeply offended you. I am so sorry for any hurt I may have caused you. You are an intelligent woman and a person of integrity, and I have great respect for you. You are also quite beautiful. While my comments were not interpreted as I intended them, it was inappropriate for me to comment on your physical appearance after meeting you for the first time. I hope you choose to accept my apology, but if not, I sincerely wish you the best in life and I am still grateful for having met you. 

My thinking was that she would probably not respond in either case.  Amazingly, she not only responded by accepted my apology and it looks like we'll get together for coffee!  She replied:

Gosh, I have such mixed emotions on this. You seemed like such a sweet, interesting guy at first and that's why I was so disappointed when you started commenting on my body. I've had some weight issues in the past, so perhaps I'm overly sensitive of any comments that hint at being over-weight.  Also, because of my generous curves, I've too often had to deal with men who look at me primarily in a sexual/physical way.  It also didn't help that you kept glancing at my chest.  Therefore your comments, as well intentioned as they may have been, were like a "perfect storm" of insults.  Despite all of this, I'm willing to forgive and forget - might even meet you for coffee - but the terms are that you have to pay and I get to order something really extravagant like a large, caramel macchiato.....just joking ;-) 
P.S. Regarding the abrupt ending to our conversation: Well, I'm an old fashioned gal with zero tolerance for cads and I felt it was the most appropriate response at the time.  I will say that you took the slap like a gentleman by turning the other cheek and then coming back to make a sincere apology. Most men would be more consumed with their own pride and resentful of the woman who slapped them.  Perhaps you are more chivalrous than American men :-) 

I even got a few compliments from her.  Now, I'm really confused by American women ;-)    Thanks again. 

Dear Reader:

Good for you. You've demonstrated "The Power of Politeness"  When you meet, do your best to look at her face, OK?  I'm glad it worked out, and thanks for letting me know.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today can help you avoid future blunders.  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm lonely and hate it!!

Dear Dr. Romance:

Almost all of my friends have boyfriends, (we're 22, turning 23) and i don't. i never have. i feel really alone during the week because all my friends are with their boyfriends. i basically work, take class, and that's it. i either need a boyfriend, or more friends, because I'm lonely and hate it!! :( 

Dear Reader:

At times in life, old friends go through changes, and it's time to make new ones.   If you haven't made new friends in a while, updating your definition of friendship and increasing your skills at meeting people will be worth your while. 
First, consider what being a friend means to you. Who are your best friends? What qualities do they have? Once you have a clear idea of the kinds of friendships you would enjoy, you can decide to create more of them in your life.

This can be done in two ways: 
* Make changes in your current relationships: Ask your friends to participate in activities you enjoy, and spend more time with the friends whose style of friendship best complements your own. 
* Create new friendships: Reach out to coworkers, your neighbors or church members and invite them to accompany you in a favorite activity or for coffee. Or you may want to join a discussion group or take a class in painting, yoga, cooking or whatever you're interested in. If you spend time with people who have similar interests, you will soon create new friends.
 
If you find that you don't have enough friends, here are some guidelines for making new ones. Of course, you can tailor these suggestions to your personal tastes. 

1. Get a life. If you want to meet people with whom you have something in common, do things on a regular basis that involve others. Activities can range from taking classes, joining hobby clubs, volunteering, playing a sport or game, hiking, or any pursuit that meets regularly. The people you meet will share your interest, and you'll have something to talk about and enjoy together. 

2. Find interesting, fun people. Being involved in an ongoing activity, and meeting with the same people on a regular basis gives you a chance to get to know them before you decide to pursue a more personal relationship. When you find someone you think is particularly pleasant, spend a little time talking with him or her during or after your activity. Ask questions about the project you are working on, or share experiences and advice. If you both enjoy the conversation, you can offer to meet before or after the session for coffee. From there, you can begin to do more things together, until you've established a pattern of friendship. 

3. Don't overlook people you know. While you're making new friends, don't forget the people you already know. Is there a favorite family member you'd like to see more often? Call him or her and suggest going for a walk, or to lunch. Are there acquaintances at work, at church, in your neighborhood, involved in your school, or elsewhere with whom you could develop a friendship? Consider reaching out to them. Let these people know that you'd like to share events and activities. 

Spending quality time with friends is beneficial to your emotional, mental and physical health. If you follow the above steps, you'll find that it isn't as difficult as you think to make friends. "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends"  will help you create new people in your life.  "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will help you find a partner.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today contains guidelines and steps that will help you find the companionship you seek.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Should I go where she is?

Dear Dr. Romance:

My ex and I lived in the UK.  She dumped me a few months ago and she went to France as an exchange student.  She will be back next year, but at that time I will have graduated and left school here, and she will be doing her final year here. so as you can see reading books about body language, appearance, and etc. does not help me. I want to understand what she's thinking. Should I go where she is?

Dear Reader:

It sounds like you are pursuing a lost cause.  She knows the schedule as well as you do, and she doesn't apparently care that you won't be seeing each other.  You are in danger of being seen as a stalker if you pursue a woman who isn't interested.  Find a face-to-face counselor in your own area, and get some help.  You need to clarify your idea of what a relationship is, and to get some objective feedback about your actions.  Read my article "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  and find some low-cost
counseling in your own area.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you figure out how to develop a relationship you can count on.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I feel almost embarrassed about being a virgin at my age

 Dear Dr. Romance:

I came across your blog while searching the internet for help for women In dysfunctional relationships.  Your language and spiritual, yet non judgmental  approach really resonated with me.  

I am an ethnically mixed  woman in my thirties. My parents divorced when I was young and I have been raised by my mother as a Muslim also with some alternative spiritual beliefs. I don't drink or smoke or do any type of drugs, in fact I don't even swear! I  have always been a spiritual and somewhat religious person, and see  myself as someone with great potential for an exceptional life. Some people think of me as quite beautiful and feel I have a unique gift of song.

My relationship is totally dysfunctional and I want to be able to get myself out of it. I feel very unsure of myself, unable to maneuver in my life. I take a few steps here and there but never allow anything to come to fruition. The primary relationships in my life are with my mother and this man. my relationship with my mother has become increasingly suffocating as I get older and remain unmarried. I feel guilty and also worried that my life is passing me by. I am still a virgin (technically) even though I have been in two relationships, including this man who told me he wanted to marry me and said he'd wait, but after about a year and a half I found out he had been cheating on me. I stayed with him despite his infidelity and although we had a sexual life I could not bring myself to let him take my virginity.  I have always felt guilty around sexual activity  because I wanted to wait until marriage.  

Now I find myself with this wonderfully charming, talented, charismatic, masculine man who I still love very much, who has cheated on me repeatedly, and uses drugs and I'm not sure even really wants to be with me. I feel so frustrated with myself because I still want him. I've gone out on one or two dates but I can't seem to move on. I now feel almost embarrassed about being a virgin at my age.  I worry especially  what God thinks of me. My life has become totally dysfunctional in almost every area. I want to feel truly good about myself again, from the core of my being. I believe there is so much I can offer the world. I am trying to pull myself up but I think I need some help in strengthening myself. 

Dear Reader:
You sound very confused and conflicted about sex and relationships.  I think your focus is on the wrong aspects of love.  First, you need to figure out what you want from a relationship, and then make sure any man you connect with has similar values and goals. Whether or not you have sex before marriage should not be the most important thing.  No matter how charismatic and charming he is, a man who has cheated on you repeatedly is not wonderful.  On the other hand, your connection with him doesn't sound very fulfilling to either of you.  Are you financially dependent on him, or on your mother? At 35, it's important to be financially self-sufficient, even if you're trying to get a music career together.  You are an adult woman, and you don't need to be obligated to anyone other than yourself.  While it's important to have close relationships, including with your mother, it's also wise not to let them control you. 

It Ends With You: Grow up and out of Dysfunction will show you how to change and become more comfortable with who you are. "Getting Out of Your Way"  and "Response-ability" will help you move forward. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Why am I assumed to be a cougar good for only one thing?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a single woman in my late 40's. I've had several serious relationships, but unfortunately, although I lived with a couple of them, I've never been married. I have a minor physical disability, a stomach condition, but I am attractive, I look younger than I am, I'm well educated, and I've held responsible positions in management, with plenty of client contact.  My concern is that lately the only interest men take in me is to get my phone number and invite themselves to my house, which I decline, I know I deserve better and I am not a fast woman. Sex becomes extremely desirable to me when I am in a serious relationship. I'm beginning to believe that I will be alone for the rest of my life. Is this phenomenon of which I speak a result of the time we live in, or is it just that I am assumed to be some type of aging "cougar" who is now only good for one thing. 

I do not internet date, (my social skills and appearance are not lacking), I used to do a lot of dancing, I did bible study for four years, now I am studying guitar, I go to the gym, I go to clubs to see other performers, but I can't drink alcohol, (which for some reason seems to be a huge turnoff). I dress sexy, but in good taste, when I go out it's usually the LBD and maybe some trendy shoes to make it pop a little, very little make up. The only dates I can't go on is the dinner dates, because of my condition and the fear that the gentleman may want to eat some type of exotic food. But a jazz club, a movie, the beach, a walk in the park, are all good for me. What's going on? Is it just over at a certain age? 

Dear Reader:
With all your focus on how you look, and your mention of dressing "sexy" I think maybe you're sending the wrong message.  Even though dancing and bible study can be good places to meet a suitable date, it doesn't sound like you're taking time to make friends and get to know people. Perhaps you're focused on the men too intensely, and they interpret that to mean that you're looking for sex.  Instead of desperately searching for love, find a wider range of things to do that you enjoy.  Mingle with people of both genders, work together with them, read books, take classes, go dancing or play sports with them, and make friends.  Then all the external things you're worried about will not be important: you'll get to know nice men before you decide to date them. Read  "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  and "Where is Love"  for more information. The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will give you details on how to do it successfully.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: How can I make my family understand I love him?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Ok so I am 19 and am kinda falling for a guy who is 20 years old than me. I am not asking your opinion on if it's wrong and nor do I want to hear "that's disgusting" my mother and father were 23 years apart in age. I like older guys cause I can relate to them better than guys my own age. Guys my own age don't really act mature enough or just don't have the personality I like. My problem is that my mother doesn't like the guy most of my family doesn't to be honest. I want to be in a relationship with him but he doesn't want to come between me and my family. I am glad he cares but there is just some things a family will have to get over and I believe this is one of them. I have know the guy for a good 3-4years and this feeling didn't start till i turned 17. He has been the best friend and has been there for me. We recently started secretly seeing each other but we aren't really in a relationship cause he doesn't want to take the step without being open. I just don't want to have to lose a guy I truly care about over something as stupid as an age gap. What would you do or how would you make him or your family understand?

Dear Reader:

I'm sure your family are just worried about you. If your mother and father had a big age gap, perhaps you could remind them that it worked for them. Your guy sounds like he's got some ethics, because he's not willing to go against your family, and it sounds like he waited until you were 18, which is another point in his favor. On the other hand, he's willing to sneak around with you.

You're making a big decision here, and your family might have some good reasons to object. Have you asked them why? Is it only the age gap, or are there other things they're worried about? I suggest you move slowly, and open up the conversation as much as possible. Maybe you and your guy could talk to the family together?

The rest of your life will be much happier if everyone is onboard about this relationship. Try listening to their point of view, rather than telling them yours. When you understand what their concerns are, you can answer them one by one. "Stupid Cupid"  and Age Differences in Dating will give both of you a good foundation for the discussions. How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will help you communicate better with each other and with your family.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I had to pay for everything

Dear Dr Romance:

I recently met a divorced Russian woman with her teenage old son while on vacation, we spent a lot of time together. I enjoyed their company very much. We keep seeing each other and I recently spent 4 days at her lavish home in the United States. I was really surprised to see that I had to pay for pretty well everything we did while a guest at her home...groceries, gas for her car, restaurant etc...at one point I went to a kitchen store to get her better cooking ware and saw that when it was time to pay she moved away form the cashier, I called her in to pay for "her" items...she told me later that the fact I did not pay for her cooking ware had upset her very much. She tells me that in Russia men pay for everything for their wives (or woman) and that if I cared for her I would not be asking questions about paying...she is the "queen" and expect a man to be in charge of her and look after her needs at the utmost, nice gifts, business class travel etc...I explained to  her that I too was rather befuddled by this and felt used, (I thought she was broke!) that I was a guest at her home and not in any obligations such as being committed in a common law relationship or being married to her, (I paid for everything with my ex and it never bothered me) but this case, because it is expected so much and at the delicate beginning of our relationship, it confused me a lot...she pointed out her ex was always counting and avoiding paying for their expenses...don't know what to do!         

Dear Reader:
This is probably a case of cultural differences.   This woman expects men to pay for everything, no matter the differences in wealth.  I am not an expert on Russian culture, but when she says "in Russia men pay for everything" that's how she views her culture.   So, she's doing what she thinks is "the thing to do" -- not intending to rip you off.  But, understand that if you continue to date her, you'll probably pay. She should be making an effort to reciprocate in other ways, like cooking, sex, doing nice things for you.  If there's no attempt on her part to give back to you, then she is probably just being selfish.  If you do decide to continue on, and get more serious, you two should have a talk about the difference in your cultures.  Read  "When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships"   and "Asking for What You Want" will show you how to accomplish this. Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences and Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed have guidelines for how to talk about money in your relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: How Can I stop a stalker?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Are you familiar with men who won't leave women alone?  I'm just trying to understand why someone would STALK me for well over a decade and, during that time, systematically destroy my life because I refused to be in an abusive relationship with him. He didn't seem to understand that emotional violence might be a bit of a deterrent to an emotionally healthy woman.  But he seems like he's borderline personality anyway and couple that with "ex military" and you get straight psycho. Yet, he (along with a number of his closest psychotic friends) has been trying to defame my character  and even has gone after my child! It's like I said "No" and he said, "You're gonna be under my control whether you want to or not or you'll DIE." You know the old, "If I can't have you, nobody will." I was trying to avoid this by saying "No" at the outset!  What can I do?

Dear Reader:

Yes, I've written about stalking and domestic violence. "How to Stay Out of a Violent Relationship"  and "Friends in Need: Interventions for Domestic Violence"  may have the information you need to know. Stalkers simply want to control you. He has no feelings for you except rage that you aren't under his control. You were right to say no, but you might have to be a lot meaner than that. Just saying no obviously didn't work --it's time to gather evidence, call the police, and have him arrested.

Here are some suggestions that might help:

Dr. Romance on WHAT TO DO IF YOU OR YOUR CHILDREN ARE BATTERED

1. Realize it's not going to get better. If your partner flies into rage, verbally or sexually abuses or batters you or your children, no matter what he or she may say, it isn't your fault, and you have no control over his or her behavior. Even the abuser has very little control. It is not just a one-time incident, it is an indication of a severely disturbed character, and it will not go away without years of intense therapy.

2. Protect yourself and your children. The best way to do this is to tell the truth to family, friends, your minister, your doctor, your therapist, your co-workers, one of the hotlines listed below, the police and anyone else who will listen. There is no need for you to be ashamed, but there is an urgent need for you to get help. If it seems that noone is listening, consider that you might not be telling the whole truth -- battered spouses have a tendency to downplay and make excuses for the abuse. The best protection for you and your children is for your abuser's behavior to become public knowledge. The vast majority of abusers are cowards, who only prey on dependent, defenseless people. They like to believe they are in control, and they aren't as likely to lose control before witnesses.

3. Once you have been physically abused, do not be alone with the abuser again. This is another reason to tell everyone you know. You either need a place to go, or someone (perhaps several people) to stay with you until you are safe. You may also need financial help. There are shelters you can go to which will keep you safe. Call a Domestic Violence hotline to find a shelter.

4. If you are hit, call the police (911). They respond much better now than they used to, and the law is now on your side. When they come, press charges. Do not make excuses to yourself or anyone else. If your abuser gets away with it even once, he or she will get more abusive. Do not listen to pleas for sympathy, understanding or forgiveness. You can forgive the abuser after he or she has gotten help, and only after you and your children are safe.

5. If injured, get medical help. Tell the doctors and nurses the truth about how it happened.  

6. File a restraining order, or a Protection from Violence order. Volunteers at the police department will help you fill it out. With a restraining order, you can call the police as soon as the abuser gets close to you or your home. Without one, the police need evidence of the abuse to arrest anyone. 

7. Attend Al-Anon meetings. You will learn a lot of good information that will help you avoid being someone else's victim. For information: http://www.al-anon.org/

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty has good information about taking good care of yourself.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Do I tell him i can't be his friend or let silence speak for itself?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm in need of some serious advice, and I hope you can help.  I've been in an extremely long distance relationship with someone for the past year and a half off and on. I live in the US, he lives in Central America.  I am 6 years older than he is.  I'm studying to be a nurse and he unfortunately doesn't have the funds to do anything.  When we started dating I can admit that I was a bit guarded because I didn't want to get my feelings hurt and often put him down. I'm not sure if that caused him to change, but we broke it off. However, he would still email me and call me once in a blue moon to see how I was doing. Then we recently got back together and he kept mentioning to me how he wanted a motorcycle. I told him he doesn't need a motorcycle he needs an education and can use the money he has (which wasn't enough for this motorcycle) and go to school. He became stubborn and I didn't speak to him for a day. I had called him drunk before that discussion and said really hurtful things and he still forgave me. However after the discussion with the motorcycle, he broke it off saying he couldn't do this anymore with him being over there and me being over here. When we first started dating he said distance doesn't matter because our hearts are always close. However, that wasn't the case anymore.  I agreed to remain "friends" with him and he still texts me and at first I thought I can handle it, but i can't.  He recently texted me saying "Hello old friend, I hope everything is well with you and I hope in this Valentine's day you are with your ideal person, much luck, i love you very much friend". Do I tell him i can't be his friend or let silence speak for itself? 

Dear Reader:

This relationship obviously does not work for you.  You don't seem to be behaving very well, and your friend is too far away and in an impossible situation.  There is also the possibility that he sees you as a ticket to come to the US.  The conversation about the motorcycle may have been a way to get you to give him money.  

Whatever is going on, it is not going to work, so let go.  If you're drunk dialing and saying hurtful things, that tells me you need to get your own life in order before you can have a workable relationship with anyone. You may be fixated on that relationship to avoid dealing with your real life.  "Your Primary Relationship." will explain why no relationship will work until you get sorted out with yourself.   "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" and "Where is Love"  will help you look for someone who is actually suited to you.  All of them will help you understand what you need to do to find love that will actually work.  Don't bother writing him back, he probably won't pay attention.  Just put your energy into creating a better life for yourself.

The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before 40 will help you figure out your own life, and get you better prepared for a relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]