Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: My husband's one-night-stand is pregnant

Dear Dr. Romance:

 My husband had a one night stand several weeks ago. He told me about it.   We've been going to counseling for several months and were doing great. We just found out she's pregnant. I love my husband, but can I work through this?  

Dear Reader:
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, and so glad you and your husband are in counseling.  Yes, you can probably work through this, if you think it's worth it to save your marriage.  Here are some tips that may help.  

Dr Romance's 3 tips on handling the discovery of an out –of- wedlock child 

If your spouse has had an affair, that's tough enough, but finding out there's a resulting child is really devastating. Your marriage can survive, if both of you still want it.  Here are three things to consider: 

1. Deal with immaturity and thoughtlessness.  In order for a child to result from an affair, both people involved were not taking responsibility for their actions. There may be ulterior motives, or just avoidance of responsibility.  It doesn't help for the betrayed spouse to be vindictive and childish, either. All these issues need to be addressed, both legally and emotionally, and it will probably take the help of a therapist to talk about them in an effective way.

2.  Whatever happens, the child is not at fault.  The child deserves financial support, and should not be blamed – none of this was the child's fault.  Don't blame or punish the child because you're mad at the parents.

3.  If you're to repair your devastated marriage, you need to focus on the present and the future. Of course, the affair must be ended. The affair and the child should now be in the past. Make whatever legal arrangements you need to regarding the child, and focus on the future of your marriage. Don't expect this problem to be fixed quickly or easily, but if you work on it, you can get through it. 

Dr. Romance’s 3 tips for moving on past infidelity and an out of wedlock child. 

Discovering that your spouse has had an out of wedlock child is so upsetting and overwhelming that you may not think you can get over it. Surprisingly enough, many marriages do survive this. However, even if your marriage doesn’t last, if you have children, this is their half-sibling, and the connection will last a lifetime, so it’s important to learn to handle it.

1. Please keep firmly in mind that none of this is the child’s fault. Aim your anger where it belongs, at your straying spouse, and not at the child. Do not punish this child to get even with your spouse or your ex. This child has enough strikes against him or her already, without adults adding to the problem with bad behavior.

2. Treat the child as you would the children of a previous marriage. Explain the situation to your own children according to their age level, and allow them to have a relationship with their half sibling. Children usually seek out missing siblings when they grow old enough, if they haven’t been allowed contact. They feel the need to connect.

3. This is a very difficult emotional problem, so don’t hesitate to get help. Therapy will give you a place to express your feelings, and some rational advice and support. If you’re in a difficult financial situation, seek low-cost counseling through a church, the local department of mental health, or attend Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings, which are usually free.

  Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed will help you stop fighting, and move to solving the problems. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition 
has more help for cooperating about this issue and others like it . 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: the truth made me feel worse.

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I dated a woman for about a year who was divorced with a small child.  For most of our time together, I believed that I had found the best person ever. She was very honest, open minded, considerate, respectful, loving, and kind. Our relationship was excellent. She said she loved everything about me. I can not stress how intimate and loving our relationship was.

However, on occasion she would become very irritated and people would label her as just mean or rude. We did not live together but when she got into her mood swings, I would back off and give her a few days of "rest" because she claimed that she needed "her space". I never pressured her for anything just wanted to be with her and make her happy, so I complied. 

Recently, she disappeared and refused to answer my calls. When I finally reach her she cancels all of our plans and tells me that she "needs her space".  After four more days, left me a voice mail encouraging us to break up. I went to her house and talked it all out, and thought we had cleared the air and attributed everything to "miscommunication". But the next day, she calls me and says she can't be in a relationship because she needs her space and that I wouldn't understand why, but that I was the best boyfriend she ever had but I don't deserve her.

After a week, I couldn't take it anymore and went to her house to seek proper closure. I was confused and extremely hurt. she said  "You deserve an honest answers" and told me she has had problems in relationships since she was a teen, and she destroyed her marriage. The problem she has is a phobia and feels oppressed. Her mind races, she panics, becomes exhausted and get migraines --that is when she needs her "space". She says it's like a phobia, and once it hits a climax, she can't love the person anymore. She has always been the one who has "sabotaged" her relationships. At the same time she is very worried and scared that she will live alone for the rest of her life.

The closure or better yet, the truth made me feel worse. Part of me tells me that I need to get as far away as possible from her as I can. But another side of me feels very bad for her and would like to help her. However, I don't know if this condition can be treated or is even common. I am also worried that she could to flip this switch back on draw me back in and destroy me again.

Also, I can't trust the love which she gave me was real; or caused by some mental illness she has. According to her, "once the switch is off, it is off and it never comes back on". Meaning she can't love me any more. Her mentally ill mother told me my ex's father would withdraw like that, but I don't know if I can trust her report.  

Please tell me what to do.

Dear Reader:

You are right to be worried.  I understand that you care and would like to help but it sounds like your ex has a bigger problem than just commitment phobia.  The symptoms you describe could indicate a serious condition, perhaps bipolar disorder or schizoid disorder.  Of course, I can't make a real diagnosis of someone I've never seen; I'm just indicating  how serious this might be.  

I think you should be very careful.  Whatever problem your ex has is severe enough that it will be a long time before she can really be successful in a relationship.  I recommend you let her go, and be just her friend if you can.   "Letting Go Takes Love"; When Letting Go is Necessary and "You Be the Judge" will help you think more clearly about this,    You might also find more understanding of your ex's behavior in It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction.  When you're ready, Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you find a love you can trust and understand.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I went through hell on earth with him until he quit drinking.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I had two divorces, and both men turned out to be gay.  By this time my self esteem was shattered, I felt there was something wrong with me.  To make a long story short, I basically started dating and slept with men, just because they showed they desired me.  (Wrong thing to do). 

I ended up not ever wanting to get married again, then I met the man I am married to currently.  He treated me like I had never been treated before.  He made me feel special.  We have been married for 16 years now.  We have been through a lot, he got fired from a job for the first time about 6 years ago and ended up turning to alcohol to sooth his emotional pain.  I went through hell on earth with him until he quit drinking.  The main reason I am writing to you is that for a several years we have both been severely depressed.  Very seldom do we have sex now.  I have asked the doctor, and they say it's due to stress.  Okay, I guess I can understand this.  Well, this morning I had to use his laptop, when the internet browser came on yahoo was the homepage.  One of his contacts was a "she-male" named Saundra.  automatically i felt that old horrible pain inside from rejection, I immediately went and asked him about it and told him if he wanted to be like that I wanted nothing to do with him.  He said he didn't know what I was talking about.  He came in and got on his laptop and said, Oh, when I signed up for email, I got an email from that person.  I thought it was like a site where various people with various opinions meet and discuss all types of subjects.  He also told me he quit accepting anyone else except for family because it wasn't what he thought it was.  He got upset with me for being upset and said he couldn't believe that I didn't trust him.  Honestly I didn't mean to show distrust, but I couldn't help it.  All I could think about was what had happened to me before, and it is happening again. Why???  Do you think I overreacted? 

Dear Reader: 
If you just told him calmly that you saw the contact, and you weren't willing to be with him if he acted like that, you wouldn't be overreacting.  If you got very upset, accused him of something without real evidence, and made a scene, you were overreacting.  You can ask your husband to remove that person from his contact list, but don't throw a fit. 
 
It sounds like you would benefit from therapy, to resolve your trauma of the past, and you and your husband would benefit from couples' counseling, to repair damage done by his drinking, and to your sex life.  Please don't let this painful situation continue until one or both of you is too beaten down by it to want to fix the relationship. 
 
"Couples can cooperate for Success" ; Avoiding The Drama Triangle  and "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"   will give you some simple steps to follow to begin to improve your relationship, if you're both willing to work together to do it.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free (4th Edition)  gives you exercises and guidelines open up your communication.  It sounds like you've both developed a pattern of withdrawing when there's disagreement, which is what you're calling 'depression'.  You can learn to work together to solve the problems and create a satisfying relationship. The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve-Step Programs  can enlighten you about the underlying causes of your husband's alcoholism, which may still be operating, even though he's quit drinking.   I wish you well.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: she refuses to remove the dead roses her ex gave her

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am confused, i am in love with this woman but she refuses to remove the dozen roses her ex gave her and are now dead. She says she doesn't want him she just wants me but it's hard to swallow when every time we are in the bedroom there are the dead roses from her ex-boyfriend. Help me understand what's going on.

Dear Reader:
Well, you're right to be concerned. It doesn't sound like this woman has finished grieving about her ex. You didn't tell me how long ago that last relationship ended. She may just need more time. Have you tried giving her some fresh flowers to replace the dead roses?

It's very important not to get into a power struggle about the roses. If you push too hard, she may be resisting letting you control her, rather than hanging on to the roses. Read "Asking for what you want" and "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" to help you understand the dynamics of your relationship.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will teach you a cooperative problem solving system to increase the partnership in your relationships.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Help me find Mr. Right

Dear Dr Romance, 

I am hard of hearing, and I have hard time finding Mr. Right.  I grew up around hearing guys  but I haven't often dated.  My first marriage was to a hearing guy and I taught him sign language so we did fine for a short time; but he didn't provide, and he cheated on me and lied. We were separated for ten years, then we divorced. My parents really control my life and my kids.  I'm a deaf mother, but my dad wont let me take my son.  My boyfriend is deaf; I know him for two years he;s a good guy, but my dad said we can't be together.  My boyfriend said just forget it.  Your parents control you.  We broke up. Why doesn't my dad trust me, I'm over forty.  It hurt me so much for long time.  I want move out and try to save my money but I can't handle that. I want to be able get married again, and be peaceful in myself.   Why can't find the right guy? Most guys don't want to go out with me because I live with my parents.  Help me find Mr. Right!

Dear Reader:

I understand how your hearing problem can make life difficult, but it's really time for you to figure out how to grow up and run your own life.  Other people with hearing problems are able to live on their own. The National Association of the Deaf can help you find the resources you need. As long as you allow your parents to control you, you're going to have a tough time finding a workable relationship.  As long as you act like a dependent child, your parents will treat you like one. Learn to handle your own money, and your own life.

You are right that you are the mom and the kids are yours, but I'm concerned that your parents are so controlling because you haven't demonstrated that you can live your life responsibly. Is that the case?  Instead of focusing on finding a relationship, why not focus on how to get in charge of your life and your finances.  Your parents won't be around forever, so it's time for you to learn to manage your own life and your children.  

Once you do that, and learn to live on your own terms, and take care of your business and your children, it will be much easier to find a man.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will show you how to reclaim your life from your family and make it your own.  The articles "Detox Your Life" and "Getting Our of Your Own Way"  will also help you create the peace you're seeking. When you're ready, Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you find the love you're seeking.

  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I have cheated on my husband 3 times

 Dear Dr. Romance:

I've heard you on the radio, and I've been married the same length of time as you. We've known each other since grade school.  I have cheated on my husband 3 times. He still wants to stay married and rebuild trust but he's got major depression and doesn't know if he can ever get the trust back.  The last time I cheated was 3 years ago. I feel terrible about having done so, it was never to hurt him. But now it seems we hang by a thread. I just wonder what the chances are of survival.  

Another problem is that even though I love him, I am no longer attracted to him. I care about him deeply but more as a friend. I love "hanging out" with him, as long as we are doing fun things together, but I'm not interested in sex.  Also, when I get off work at night I don't want to go home to him. I'm not cheating, but working late to avoid being at home. I think it's because his depression is more than I can deal with. Even if I'm the cause, it's been this way for the past 3 years.  Thanks in advance for your advice, 

Dear Reader:
You can rebuild your marriage, but you're both going to need to change some things.  First, you both need to value your marriage and be willing to work at it.

You understand that your behavior has been very immature, don't you?  It doesn't sound like your husband is very grown-up, either. You two need to stand up and face each other, and work through the problems.  I'm certain your rejection of him and cheating on him has added to his depression; and his withdrawal from you, and probably his self-pity, have turned you off.

There is nothing here that cannot be fixed.  You two need marriage counseling. The article, "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  will help you find it.  Neither one of you is respecting your own self, each other, or your marriage.  You say you have regrets. If that's true, prove it by making some real changes in your attitude.  Follow the instructions in  "Guidelines for Being Better Understood by Your Partner"  and "Relating with Love" and things will begin to improve.  But, you have to grow up and accept responsibility for yourself, your sexual relationship, and your life before you'll find happiness. The affairs tell me you want to be romanced and coddled, but I'll bet you got hurt doing that.  Instead, work to build a partnership with your husband, and you'll start enjoying sex again. How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will give you guidelines for talking to each other about sex and everything else.  52 Weeks to Better Mental Health will help you better understand yourself and your own motivation, and become more mature emotionally. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I was beaten unconscious by a convicted sex offender

Dear Dr. Romance:

I was beaten unconscious by a client. He is a convicted sex offender and gang member who has been put in jail and let out many times for crimes against women. He has told people he is going to kill me. I continue to go to court on the issue and they simply won't help me and say since we were not in a relationship they can't even give me an order of protection. I am having anxiety attacks every day and lose consciousness sometimes because of it. I am constantly waiting on the day he will hurt me again and am scared to death of going to jail for defending my self if I do it successfully. We live in the same town and my life can't recover from the event because we go to court over it every two mos. If you have advice I need it.     

Dear Reader:
I'm so sorry you're caught in this.  I don't understand why the court won't give you an order of protection. I don't know what state you are in, but I'm not aware of any state where you need to be in a relationship to get a protection order.  I don't know what kind of client he is, or what you do for a living, but you probably need a lawyer to fight this for you. Search Google for #MeToo for help from others in similar situations.   Call the Domestic Violence hot line. They will help you even if your problem is not technically domestic  They will be know people in your area who are able to help.  For more information about seeking protection from violence, read "Friends in Need: Interventions for Domestic Violence". It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  will help you heal the Post Traumatic Stress from your incident, and 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health will take you through a guided therapy process I often use with clients who have PTSD.

  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I grew up with a mother who said hateful things

Dear Dr. Romance:

I really need your help. Could you please recommend one  of your books for myself. I grew up in a home with a mother who was famous for saying hateful things that she didn't mean when she was mad. Lately I am doing the very same thing. I am newly married and I love my husband very much, but when I get mad or I don't get my own way I tell him I want out of the marriage and that I want a divorce. He is really getting tired of this and I am afraid that eventually I will lose him. Please can you help me.

Dear Reader:

Yes, the books that will be the most help to you is It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction and 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health Good for you for realizing that this needs to be fixed now.  It's not surprising that you revert to doing what your mother did.  We all tend to repeat what we know, and the word "familiar" comes from family. You get scared when something happens, and you revert to old patterns. It Ends With You will show you how to recognize old family patterns, identify them, and then create better role models to follow.  52 Weeks to Better Mental Health uses guided journaling to take you through the therapeutic healing process. You can also use the following articles from my website, which will help you begin to change your behavior: "How Not to Fight", "Handling Anxiety Effectively", "Fair Fight Guidelines" and "Anger: Cleansing Squall or Hurricane?" 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: he is even a few years younger than my daughter

Dear Dr. Romance:
I am going crazy. I am attracted to a young man who is young enough to be my son, he is even a few years younger than my daughter. He has shown interest in me as well and I think this is absurd and yet I can't help the way I feel. He talks to me and shows an interest when I speak to him. Something men my age have never really done except when they wanted to perhaps get a sexual favor. This is different he is genuine. I'm sure he's struggling with our age difference as well and of course his mates will really give him a go over if they haven't already. What should I do? Go with my feelings or ignore him and continue with my day as if there is no attractions between us. What a dilemma, I feel like a fool. Thanks for any advice.

Dear Reader:
I think you know what your choices are. If he's truly interested, there's nothing wrong with having a relationship, but you do have to accept what people, including your family and friends, will say. The big danger here is that your own feeling of shame may cause you to sabotage the relationship. I have seen many relationships succeed with this kind of older woman/younger man scenario. What counts is how well you two can form a partnership or team that works. Whether or not a relationship is healthy is not determined by age differences, but by the interaction between the partners. A ten-year difference is not too difficult to bridge, but differences of twenty years or more in age can lead to some difficulties as the partners get older. For example, the younger partner may mature and reconsider his or her choices, or an older partner may confront aging problems much sooner. "Age Differences in Dating"  and  "Relationships 101: Do Opposites Attract?"  will help you figure out if you can be successful in this relationship. How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free, 4th Ed.  contains information and exercises to teach you to work together to have the relationship you want.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: the thought of seeing him have sex with other women bothers me a lot

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a bipolar woman with emotional problems.  These problems seem to manifest most lately with my boyfriend whom I tend to blame for everything.  I feel super insecure when we are out and he notices other women.  He taught me a lot about sexuality and commented constantly about other females and tried to entice me into threesomes, or at least get me interested in having one.

I finally decided after we initially broke up that I was not indeed bisexual and did not care to have a threesome with anybody.  Since I love my boyfriend, the thought of seeing him have sex with other women bothers me a lot.  He has told me a lot about his sexual encounters, his previous girlfriends and the like.  I didn't mind initially.  However now, because he broke up with me, I think I don't want to let myself get really attached to him the way I was before. The break up was so painful, I have told him I don't think Ican "forgive" him totally.  I realize that harboring these feelings is getting in the way of me being a fully loving person.  Recently I found him on a dating site and contacted him anonymously.   Well, he proceeded to try and seduce "me."  He apologized, but how do I trust him?  

Okay, this is just the problem that occupies the front of my mind.  Obviously there are a TON of other issues that manifest within this one from my relationship (or non-relationship) with my father, being hospitalized and having a sense of losing a big chunk of my life due to my condition.  It has held me back in so many ways.  I have been in therapy previously and it helped me.  I need to talk to somebody like you about this.  I cannot talk to my friends about it.

Dear Reader:
Of course you can't trust him.  He can't trust you either, because of your emotional problems.  The very first thing you need to do is get into individual Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for your bipolar disorder.  See my article "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  to find a suitable therapist.  At the very least, get a copy of 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health, which will help you create better mental order

You'll not be able to have a successful relationship until you get your disorder under control. Your boyfriend may be taking advantage of your insecurity and low self-esteem.  He doesn't sound like a man who is interested in monogamy. He wants to be free to do what he wants.  On the other hand, there may be a number of reasons he likes having you around, so he's lying to you to keep you.  You certainly don't sound strong enough to handle a non-monogamous relationship.

You won't be able to do much about this relationship until you get yourself organized mentally. Read "Detox Your Life"  to see what's needed.  Don't focus on relationships right now, go for counseling first.  If you don't want to do that, try joining a Co-Dependents Anonymous group.  You can read more about bipolar disorder.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction   can help you work through your early childhood issues.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Why this compulsion to cheat?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm looking at myself and asking the question, "Why this compulsion to cheat?" What will it take to keep my eye from wandering around?  I'm divorced, technically, but trying to make amends with the ex.  I love my kids, and an absentee father just doesn't fit my taste.  I'd rather be there. I won't bore you with it. But everyone thinks I'm insane back with the ex. 

Why do men cheat?
Respect.  It's like number one on the list.  Even the illusion of respect is most irresistible to the modern male.  All the tiny little things that show respect are like catnip to guys.  It's what we ultimately want more than anything else from a woman.

Sex. Taking care of business is important.  Marriage is the riskiest gamble a man will ever make in his life.  He stands to lose basically all of his assets in the one big gamble of "I do."  Without a sex life, the guy is gonna leave even if it costs him everything he has.  It is an unfortunate engineering flaw in men.  Men need sex daily, and some guys need it more than once daily. Without it we lose our minds.  Men are unfortunately highly prone to cheating in the abscence of sex.

Food.  Who says guys are complicated?  Food is basic survival.  It is the most common complaint amongst men in the workplace.  The man with the most appealing lunch is king.  This is why I cook my own lunch and pretend that my ex cooked it.  The man who eats from a can or frozen dinner is last in the pecking order.  The other guys only make fun of the ones eating Ramen noodles.  It's totally true.  Men judge one another based on the lunches they bring to work.  In fact, we are wondering when "Jerry" is gonna marry the girl who keeps making him those delicious looking salads he keeps eating.  If you're looking for a wedding ring, food is key.

Finally, Companionship.  Too many old men have said the same thing for it not to be true.  Men like stuff, whether it's football, racecars, boats, hunting, four wheeling, etc.  The women who are accompanying their men are the ones most admired.  It is a huge message to be present some of the time for this boring stuff.  It is a huge mistake to be absent from this junk.  This is usually where the guy meets the other woman.  Protection of assets makes it necessary to be present at least some of the time when the man is doing his thing.  Don't say I didn't warn ya'll!

Anyhoo, enough blather from me.  I feel like the retarded guy stating obvious things. while women keep getting dumped for obvious (and silly) reasons.  Every time I see a good guy leaving home I just want to slap some sense into him.  He won't listen to me without respect, sex, food or companionship.  He's out of his mind and just won't listen!

Dear Reader:
You're right, you should be there. But, your letter is all about your wants; nothing about your wife's. Creating a successful marriage (or repairing one) requires that you be a mature, not self-centered person: in other words, an emotional grownup.  We all have things that tempt us, from chocolate to spending too much on trinkets or gambling on the stock market.  Adults learn how to forego these temptations, and focus on what's really important.  If your relationship with your wife is working well, that shouldn't be too difficult to do. Yes, sex is important, but it's not life-or-death, especially not daily.  Learn to work it out with your ex.  Meet her needs first, and focus less on your own.  Read "Guidelines for Being Understood" to help you get your message across.  If you stay so focused on your own needs, without considering hers, you won't be able to get your family back.  To open up the communication, read "Asking for What You Want" and "Couples Can Cooperate for Success".  I hope you and your ex-wife are going for counseling to repair the damage to your marriage. If not, "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a good counselor. How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will help you and your wife learn to work things out. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I want to break-up with him, but I don't know how

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been dating my boyfriend for seven years, I care for him deeply. However, I am not happy. I want to break-up with him, but I don't know the best way to do it and not hurt him. I would still like to remain friends with him, or is this just wishful thinking? 

Dear Reader:

You can't "not hurt" your boyfriend.  If you break up with him, he'll be hurt and angry.  What worries me is what your reason for breaking up when you "care deeply."  Is he abusive?  Are you just bored?  Have you had couples counseling?   

The following advice only applies if you are not in an abusive relationship:  To break up with someone and still have some integrity, you have to take responsibility for making the decision.  If he's been a good guy, don't blame him. Take the responsibility for allowing your love for him to fade.  Don't tell him you "care deeply" if that were true, you wouldn't be breaking up.   After breaking up, give him some time, and let him decide if he wants to be friends. Give him a chance to heal his wounds, find someone else, and be happy. Just let him go.  If he wants to be friends, count your blessings. If you think you're not really ready to break up, "When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships" will help you re-think your relationship and re-charge it.  If you're sure you're ready to break up, The following guidelines might help you.

Dr. Romance's Guidelines for Breaking Up

If he's a good guy, be suspicious of your motivation for breaking up.  All right, if you can't stand for him to touch or kiss you, then he's a friend: no relationship is going to happen.  But, if it's just that there's not enough "spark" this could be a warning sign that you're looking for "Mr. Goodbar;" the fatal attraction you just can't let go of.  If you don't like good boys, and you're longing for bad ones, you may be programmed (e.g.: by a childhood with an absent, abusive or addicted dad) to want a type of man who's not good for you.  If you have  string of relationships with "bad boys" it could be just that you don't know what to do with a nice guy.
 
1. To break off with a nice person, be nice about it, do it in person or on the phone. Tell him what you like about him, offer to be friends ( if you want to) and say you just don’t have the chemistry. There’s not much else you can do, he’ll probably be hurt, but you can’t date him because he wants you to. Your heart has to be in it, too.  

2. Don’t string him along, not answering his calls, which would be mean.  You need to set him free, so he can find someone who really clicks with him; and so you can find your own partner, too.  

3. If he’s a nice guy and you have mutual friends, be prepared to lose some friends – they may decide you hurt a nice guy and they don’t like you.  If he’s a jerk, your true friends will probably cheer you on.

4. In the nice guy scenario, the best thing to do for both of you to save face is to tell your mutual friends together.  This avoids the “how could you hurt him” response.  If he’s a jerk, and all your friends know it, have a celebration with them.  Go out for drinks, dinner or lunch to toast the end of a bad affair.  

5. On Facebook and other social sites, you can start a photo album called “loved and lost” and put all the pictures of both of you in it.  In the case of the jerk, block him from your site, and suggest that your friends make their own decisions about whether to block him or not.  For the nice guy, if he wants to, you can make a mutual announcement on both your sites about how you really care about each other, but have decided just to be friends.  

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will teach you about the kind of relationship that would be good for you, and how to go about creating one.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Is it appropriate for him to still have her in his life?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am going through a break-up this week and pretty broken hearted. My boyfriend and I currently dated for the last year and nine months and it ended this week.  He is my age, mid thirties but when he was in his early to mid twenties he had an affair with a much much older woman who was and still is his boss. She is 20 years older, married with 3 children.  The affair went on for 5 years and then for 5 years there after, they would still have a sexual encounter here and there, the last time this occurred was a year before we began dating. 

I had problems with this relationship: not only the cheating, but I was not comfortable that he still worked for her.  He said he had physically and emotionally moved on, but  I always felt it was so wrong that he was there. My father cheated on my mother, and I've been cheated on, too.  It's wrong, and it hurts people. I find this women to be incredibly selfish and I think much of her need for him has always been for her own ego. She is still married and her husband has no idea that this affair took place. To make matters worse, the job is in her home, and she and my boyfriend are very close which also made me loath the situation.

I argued all the time to my boyfriend that it was so wrong that he still worked there and he should totally be done with it and move on. I thought it was hypocritical of both of them to sit there acting like an affair never transpired. She said her husband worked a lot and didn't pay much attention to her and used the excuse that she was no longer in love with him and only there for the kids.  They are wealthy beyond belief and her husband is a wonderful man and provider.  My boyfriend tried to leave and start his own thing to save our relationship but barely put any effort into it. As I anticipated, he failed and she gave him his job back. She could have let him work from our home, but she had him work with her and paid him very well.

My question is this: do you think it's appropriate for him to still have her in his life and work there? The hardest part about this is he took his job back full time on the same week he broke up with me (via text message) he's made attempts to reach me but I feel strongly that it's wrong he's there and he feels opposite.

Dear Reader:
 
I'm so sorry to hear of your breakup. I know how painful that can be.  You said the problem in your relationship was his past, but that's not really true.  What really went wrong in your relationship?  Was it because you were so angry about his paramour that you couldn't enjoy your time together?  You know "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." wrote Kahlil Gibran. "We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them."
 
Your ex has been bought.  However, he seems to like it, and he does have a choice.  The husband probably knows -- but doesn't want to know.  He's busy looking the other way. He must get something out of the relationship, maybe being a dad to his kids, or maybe just not having to give his wife whatever he'd have to in a divorce.
 
I think this guy was a bad match for you.  Whatever his problem is, he'll have to deal with it.  You need to deal with your own.  Accept that you made a bad choice of partner, grieve and move on.  You may be repeating a pattern based on the infidelity of  your father, and past relationships.  Let your ex figure out his own life, without you in it.  Read "Learning Forgiveness" to help you let go;  and "Comforting the Little Orphan Girl"  to help you learn to heal your own wounds;  and "The Nail in the Fence" to learn how to get over relationship problems. You need to learn that complaining is not an effective relationship strategy. "Asking for What You Want"  will show you a better way. 

 Dysfunction learned from childhood and past relationships will take a little time, but you can heal them too.  It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction takes you through all the exercises and information I use with clients who need to heal old experiences that are holding them back.  52 Weeks to Better Mental Health is a journaling workbook that takes you through a similar process via prompt and response interaction.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: He wants to call all the shots and refuses to compromise

Dear Dr. Romance:

My husband left me this past April. We are in our early twenties and we have been together since we were teenagers.  We  grew together so well, until he left me. He is Hispanic and very  dominating and controlling. He wants to call all the shots and refuses to compromise. I love him so much and can't find strength to stay or leave.  I'm not sure which of the two I want more. But I just can't picture my  life without him. He's difficult to talk to and does not have the least  bit of concern as to how much he hurts me. Do you have any advice that can  help me get through to him? 

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you're having so much trouble.  If he's been gone since April, is he interested in coming back? I'm guessing that, as you grew up, you didn't want to be controlled as much as in the past, and started to stand up for yourself.  If he doesn't have "the least bit of concern as to how much he hurts me" how much can he really love you?  I don't think you'll want to hear my advice, but I recommend that you let him go, and get into counseling for yourself.  I don't know if you have children, a job, or depend financially on him, so I don't know how difficult your situation is.

Actually, letting him go and moving on in your life is the best way to get him back.  He can leave you easily now, because he thinks you'll always be there.  If he thinks you're going to become self-sufficient, and he might lose you, he'll probably come back.  I hope you get independent enough that you can take care of yourself and not need him.  Read "Letting Go Takes Love"  which will help you understand what it means to let go.  Also "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship?" which will help you understand what went wrong, and "Your Primary Relationship"  which will help you begin to turn things around. How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free will help you learn how to create a partnership based on mutual respect. 
Good luck to you.  

 For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: It makes me very very upset, angry, pissed-off, and sad.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I saw your article "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again"  while searching for answers to my own issues.  The 'loved one' I lost was myself. I loved life, loved adventure, travel, people, photography, mostly adventure!  In 2 seconds my life was 'taken' away pretty much.  This week the pain seems more overwhelming, so I'm more depressed, and that's why I came across your site.

Several years ago I was severely injured in an accident and I suffered severe facial disfigurement and a back injury that left severe residual pain.   If you met me, you'd never know how I feel.  I mostly avoid people, not wanting anyone to have to look at this awful  disfigured face. Some people seem to handle these situations better it appears - but I believe that when they're home alone, they cry as I do when I allow the tears to overwhelm me now and again.  No, I'm not suicidal, just sad, very sad.

Life ended that day in many ways for me. I was a photojournalist most of my life. Now I have to pull my camera bag on wheels, and the pain I try to ignore, so I can be 'normal' takes hold of me and insists I lay down or pass out.

My family was and is wonderful, (daughter, son, mother) but they have their own lives. Yes, I'm happy that I can walk, that I can see - I was expected to be paralyzed, brain-damaged.    I'm not, but my psyche is very damaged.

I do not want to let anyone look at my face - I only go out with big sunglasses on. I don't let anyone get close. People will say I don't look that bad but seeing myself in a current family photo instantly puts me in a very deep spiral of depression and tears, for days.  I don't take drugs for pain - they make me very sick.

I do have a 'boyfriend' who still loves me but I don't want him to look at me or see me in a state where I'm always having to lay down to recuperate, so I now live far away from him. Yes, I know if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't care, but I cut people out of my life because I 'read' into them how I might feel.

I can't find myself anywhere. Part of me is still flying through the air, waiting to land - perpetually between dimensions, not really all here. I lack the incredible  drive I had.  Today, whatever I try to do physically, I must stop after a few minutes because of intense pain. I'm always reminded of my plight, and that makes me very very upset, angry, pissed-off, and sad. I look forward to my next life, and leaving this one behind - when the time comes.

Since I 'died' several times at the accident scene, I saw beyond our life here on Earth, and I know the place our spirit goes is very beautiful. I look forward to going there as do many who've survived a terrible accident.

What can anyone say to make me feel better? How can I help others, thus helping myself feel better? How can I feel less worthless? How can I escape constant pain?

Dear Reader:
 
I'm so sorry for your pain.  Your feelings are normal for someone with Post-Traumatic Stress.  I have dealt with several clients with problems as severe as yours.  Some of my clients have been physically damaged by falls or car accidents, some by fire.  The trauma of the original accident, along with the ongoing emotional and physical pain, have to be dealt with so you can move on. 
 
You did survive, and you're strong and brave enough to keep going, so I think you want to live. You need to find some meaning in your life as it is now -- to say goodbye to the person you used to be, and hello to the possibilities of who you are.  Many people have found meaning in tragedy, and it can give life purpose  "The Meaning of Life" explains this.   52 Weeks to Better Mental Health will guide you through a healing process, and  help you reclaim yourself by healing your trauma. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: "that fantasy thing is right on the money for me"

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read "Surviving Loss & Thriving Again"  and it helped me a lot.  I find the older I get the more I can understand why I do what I do.  But, of course, we hope things will be different (see 'Insanity' in the dictionary)!  lol Anyway, that fantasy thing is right on the money for me.  Must be all those Romantic Comedies.

Thank you for your words!

Dear Reader:

I'm so glad my advice was helpful for you.  You might also want to check out "Letting Go Takes Love" and "Stupid Cupid" and "You Be The Judge" which will help you inject more reality into your relationships. When you're ready to date again Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today shows you a fun, safe and successful way to find a relationship that really works.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: let the small things go and don't pick each other apart

Dear Dr Romance:

I just wanted to say thank you for the article you wrote "Relationships 101: Do Opposites Attract?"  I just read it today and you have really made my day.  I'm currently in an interracial relationship with a wonderful man from Africa.  Not only are we from different races but he is Muslim and I am a Roman Catholic so it makes it a little more interesting.  Unknowingly we have been following the guidelines you have written in your article and so far we are doing great.  We have discussed his family and background and my family and traditions we share.  We have talked about getting married and I am very excited about our future together. 
 
I think your article was very uplifting and people in any kind of relationship could take the advice to let the small things go and don't pick each other apart.  Again, Thank you for your wisdom and sharing it. 

Dear Reader:
 
Thanks so much for your positive feedback.  I'm so glad you found your love and are happy.  If you want more articles to help you keep love on the right track, try reading the free articles on my website like: "Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner,"   "How to be Irresistible to Your Mate" and "Couples Can Cooperate for Success"  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free is about how to have a successful relationship as two different people. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I dont know what bipolar is but I wonder about him.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been dating a guy for 3 years now. He still lives at home with his parents he is very polite we go to church together. He bought our rings last year and we were going to get married this year.  I cancelled for this year. I don't know what bipolar is but i wonder about him. His mom and sister and dad are a big factor I am also wondering about his controlling issues. I know you don't know me at all I am trying to tell you a lot in a little time. I was going to try add more education to my college diploma . It seems like whenever i try to improve myself he wants to somehow start some kind of distraction I also have a beautiful daughter who attends a private Christian grammar school. He just doesn't understand her. I don't think his parents let him be a kid.  His family are doing well they want him to get married , but don't want him to grow up. He is nine years younger than me. I have a college diploma in computer networking , he is car mechanic. I know i need to let go but it is hard. I think he does too and he is letting go.  We are supposed to go to his parents house on Sunday. My dad said to go ahead and go. I made the commitment it will be hard.

Dear Reader:

I can't tell if your guy is bipolar without seeing him, but I do know It's very bad for your daughter for you to get together with a man who doesn't understand her.  It's not the difference in your ages that's a problem, it's his controlling behavior and the fact that you're uncomfortable with how he relates to your daughter.  If you both agree that you're breaking up, it's not necessary to visit his family, but if your situation is not yet resolved, it will probably be easier to go.  Either way, it's time for you to let go and move on.

Please read my "Dating Guidelines for Single Parents" at  so that you won't get yourself in another situation like this one. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you find a more suitable relationship in easier ways.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: he thinks I am neglecting him

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been "dating" someone for a year to this day. We get along great and enjoy spending time together. He is very romantic. We are both full time teachers and students. We do work in separate schools. I enjoy sleeping over. However, recently I have decided that I need to finish my thesis if I am to graduate on time and I have also decided to lose the couple of pounds I have gained within the last year. I have been going to the gym and not spending the usual amount of time that I used to spend with him. I feel as though he thinks I am neglecting him. I know he has a lot of insecurity issues and I want to make him see that I do love him but I don't know how because when I do have time to see him he's either "busy" or doing other things. I really don't know what to do and need advice. I love him and don't want to lose him. Are there any things I can do to show him that I do care about spending time with him???

P.S. we took our relationship to the next level (meaning sex) and it seems as though he does not want to engage in that again. HELP!!!

Dear Reader:

It sounds like you changed the pattern of your relationship with him without telling him. Is that right?  So now, suddenly, you're unavailable when you were available before?  You two need to talk. If you've been "dating" for a year, sleeping over (with no sex?) it's time to talk honestly about what both of you want.  He may be assuming you don't care, so he's withdrawing to protect himself, or he may not see the relationship the way you do at all. When you two had sex it may not have taken the relationship to the next level for him.  He also may be assuming you've withdrawn because you didn't like the sex.   The only way to find out is to ask him.  Read my articles "Asking for What You Want" and "Stop Reacting and Start Relating".  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free will help you communicate more successfully and show you what a healthy relationship is.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: How can I resume my initial romance with my wife?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a male Kenyan, married with 2 daughter. Of late, have totally lost urge for sex and it can only appear once per week though a weak one. Outside affair is a norm in my religion, but whenever I site a beautiful lady suddenly the mind switches to sex and I go to an extent of hooking her and talking on sex, though have never had sex outside marriage. Kindly advise me on how I can resume my initial romance with my wife.am very embarrassed.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. I think your problem can be solved. I'm glad you haven't had sex outside your marriage. Feeling guilty from cheating won't help your situation. 
 
As we get older, and are in a long-term relationship, the motivation for sex changes.    It is no longer based on the conquest of a pretty face, but should come from the heart.  In order for your intimate relationship to be strong in your marriage, you and your wife need good communication and closeness.  When you build more trust, your sexual performance will be easier. "How Sex Can Evolve in a Long Relationship"  will teach you what to expect with your sexual connection with your wife. "How to be Irresistible to Your Mate"    will show you how to bridge the gap with your wife.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together  has guidelines for energizing your sex life, like these:

Dr. Romance’s 4 Tips on Jump-Starting Your Sex Life

Has your sex life gone to sleep? No matter what the old wives' tales say about it, there’s no reason not to have sex in long-term relationships.  Sex not only will keep your love energized, it’s also fun exercise, a great stress-releaser, and aerobic: it raises your heart rate and your respiration -- and you don't even notice you're working hard.

Here’s how to make it easy and fun:

1. Relax. 

Relaxing allows you to be more aware of your sexual energy, enhances sexual feelings, and frees you up to respond sexually.  Allow time for morning sex when you are still relaxed from sleep, or after a nap.

2. Lighten Up 

Because of media influence, most couples have an exaggerated, stressful image of sex.  To have more fun, focus on having fun, instead of meeting a goal. Some sex encounters go well, some don't, so have a sense of humor. Spend more time giggling, talking and being silly and less time under pressure.  A lighter attitude makes sex more fun. 

3. Communicate

The best beginning for a lovely sexual encounter is a good, honest and open conversation.  When you were new lovers, you talked and sex was easy. Frequently make time to "catch up" with each other over an unhurried dinner or breakfast. Express your hopes and dreams, clear the air, and you can both relax. From there, it's not such a long distance into the bedroom.

4. Be Flexible

Physical agility can be helpful, but emotional flexibility will really improve your sex life.  The longer you and your partner are together, the more you need options. Here’s a menu:

 *Quickies: brief sexual encounters that are great fun when you're pressed for time.  Morning heavy petting can make the whole day more exciting.

*Sneaky Sex: Whispery sex behind locked doors while the children (or grandchildren) are watching TV is great fun, or sneak lovemaking in your childhood bedroom while visiting your parents. 

* Romantic Sex: Pull out all the stops: candlelight, dinner, dancing, dressing up, perhaps a lovely hotel room, or a romantic dinner for two at home.  It's great for celebrations, or anytime you need a boost.

* Newlywed Sex: Recreate your first married days: the time you met your husband at the door wearing only a negligee, surprise flowers, or silly, wildly in love things you said then. 

* Make-up Sex: After an argument or a struggle, lovemaking can be extra tender and memorable.

* Comforting Sex: When one of you is sad or stressed, the other can be especially tender and soothing.

* Relaxing Sex: Laze around, have breakfast in bed, and make love for as long as you want; no pressure, no hurry and no demands on each other.

* Reassuring Sex: Tender affection reassures a partner who is temporarily insecure, and reaffirms your mutual love and commitment. Declare your love and remember how important it is.

* Fantasy Sex: Act out all the silly, forbidden or exciting fantasies: Nurse and patient (or doctor), children "playing house", famous movie star and adoring fan, or your two favorite characters from a soap opera, novel or movie. If you feel a little silly, laughter will only make it more fun.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: My daughter told me that she can't take it anymore and wanted to kill herself

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a divorced father of 3. I am remarried. My 11 year old daughter is very upset about her mother's new boyfriend that is also still married. He was first introduced as a friend but she doesn't understand why he is always at the house and stays till late at night. My daughter has asked her mother if this is her boyfriend and the mother tells her no. 

My daughter calls me crying because her mom continues to lie, she doesn't want to be around him and he is always at the house and that she has tried to talk to her mom and her mother tells her she needs to deal with it.  

My daughter then decided to write her mother a letter explaining that she was upset and didn't want to be around her boyfriend, that she was upset for her lying to her and the letter also stated that she was going to run away from home and call the cops for sexual harassment.   She told me that she can't take it anymore and wanted to kill herself if things didn't change.

I have tried to talk to her mother about this but she doesn't think there is a problem only that our daughter is jealous and spoiled.

Dear Reader:

I'm a little skeptical.  I can understand your daughter not wanting to have her mother's "friend" around all the time, but I don't understand why she's so very upset about it, unless the "boyfriend" is giving her some sort of problem (why is she going to call the cops for sexual harassment -- has he done something?)  or unless she's upset because you're upset.  Wanting to kill herself is way over the top for an 11 year old. This makes me think that you're the one who is upset, and talking about it to your daughter in a way that exacerbates her feelings. Perhaps she's not getting enough of your attention, and this is a way to do it.  If she's so unhappy at her mom's, why  not just let her stay with you? 
 
I don't condone her mom's having a boyfriend around the house all the time, especially if her daughter doesn't like him.  But, I'm not sure what you think she's lying about.  Do you want her to tell your daughter the "truth" including details of her sexual relationship?    It sounds to me like everyone needs to grow up here, and your daughter needs more balanced support.  Stop supporting her hysteria, and support her well-being instead. 
 
You and your ex should go to counseling, work through your anger with each other, and figure out what's best for your daughter.  As things are now, your daughter is going to spend a lifetime in therapy because her parents were so dysfunctional.  "What is a Dysfunctional Family?"  will explain what's wrong and It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction can teach you how to function more successfully as a parent.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: How do you get unstuck and really talk?

Dear Dr. Romance:
  I was so interested in your article "Getting to Yes" about Attentive listening...what a powerful strategy and descriptive techniques.  Here is a but.....I have?????  Now, what if ....as you are listening  you recognize  the signals you mentioned from the person you are talking with and you're stuck with how to get that person to "unload" about why they are uncomfortable with what you said.  The thing is that you recognize that you have pushed the button, but then how do you get unstuck and really talk?  You made me think.  Thank you.

Dear Reader:

Thanks for the compliments.  I'm glad the article was thought-provoking for you.  When you recognize that you have pushed a button, it's very important to stop trying to get your point across from that moment on.  All your attention has to shift to finding out what went wrong.  Often it's enough just to say "What?" or "You look like you have a question" (question is better than problem) or, "Is this making sense to you?"  Any non-threatening question will usually get a response, especially if your listener is not afraid he or she will be criticized, argued with or get you angry by telling the truth. This may not be as easy with a sullen spouse or teenager, but it will still work if you ramp up your patience (For more information about this, read "Practicing Patience" and "Guidelines for Being Understood" .) If the other person is less verbal than you are, you may need to allow time to formulate and articulate his or her thoughts.  Basically, if you leave room for your listener's response and opinion, you'll usually find out what is going on. 

You'd be surprised at how often couples come into my counseling office with one saying "he (or she) won't talk to me" and within five minutes I have the "silent" partner talking up a storm.  For more about getting your partner to open up, read How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: He Does Holidays with His Ex and Kids

Dear Dr. Romance:

I found one your article "Dr. Romance: Setting Boundaries with Your Ex"  and wanted to reach out to a professional that is an expert with Divorce, families and integrating a new partner.  I am single, 30, never been married, no kids. I am dating a divorced man who has four children in grammar school. I live in a different state and  have not met the children yet. And we are hitting road blocks in our relationship due to the scenario below.

In a nut shell, he and his Ex wife have established a continued  relationship for the children.  He is supporting her and the children financially (Ex does not work). They have been divorced for between 9 and 10 years.  He will see his children 90 percent of the time at her  place, cooking dinners, watching movies... they do not do the split home arrangement. They actively still do vacations together, and for holidays, family gatherings (both sides) and sporting events both  parents are there.  He has made it very clear to me that his children comes first, I completely support that. Our relationship has been rocky and he wants to have "the best of both worlds", meaning bringing in a new girlfriend and having kids, family and Ex wife accept her.  He has great fear due to a past experience bringing in a girlfriend and the (within 2 years of them being divorced) Ex wife being "insecure" and putting limitations on the kids visits and on a schedule.  His fear is that she will do it again even after 9 years of being divorced.

I need a professional assistance on how I should evaluate, support and gather information on what is a healthy way to go about this situation.

Dear Reader:

This is a very difficult situation.  I seriously think you should be very careful here.  You will always be second best.  I actually admire what your friend is doing for his children, but I've seen other scenarios like this, and they don't end well for the 'other woman' which is what you are. Why don't you consider finding a man who is actually available for a relationship?  Your guy is really living in a fantasy world, and he doesn't like confrontation. That means he will do anything to pacify his ex.  She knows she can manipulate him, so she'll never be OK with his girlfriend. You'll always come up short.  So, consider whether you want to spend every holiday alone in the future.   I suggest you read How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free and the articles: "Letting Go Takes Love" and "You Be the Judge"  You need the judgement and courage to let go of this relationship. There's nothing available for you here.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today can help you find a real full-time relationship. 

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I haven't told anyone i'm in this relationship out of fear

Dear Dr. Romance:

I want to thank you for the article you wrote "Age Differences in Relationships"  I've been dating a guy that is 6 years younger than me (he's 20 and I'm 26) for about 10 months now and I've felt so guilty that I'm "robbing the crib" or a "cougar"...I haven't told anyone I'm in this relationship out of fear of their reaction due to the age difference.

Reading the article i felt a bit better about it because i know we are together for the right reasons and not as a fling.  I really like how you express in your article that one should start concentrating on the age and rather look at the relationship, hopefully i can start to do more of that in my relationship. 

Dear Reader:

 I'm glad you found the article helpful.  I don't think a six year difference is significant.  What's important is that you form a partnership, with mutual respect and caring.  To make your relationship successful please read Couples Can Cooperate for Success; Creating Unconditional Love; and Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free (4th Edition) will help you to create the relationship you want.   I wish you good fortune in your relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: He had to hurt me to pull away so he could start this new relationship.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I met a guy at the end of my marriage, I started to have a  relationship with him. the marriage ended and my husband moved out. My new relationship grew stronger and he had hope for a future with me. I was not ready to let people know I was in a new relationship so I  hid it for 2 years which made him frustrated and upset.
 
He wanted to start a family and live together but I continued to hide  the relationship which made him give up and fall out of love.  He told me he loves me but was not in love with me. He tried several time to end the relationship but i wouldn't let him so while he grew apart from me I grew deeper in love with him. He finally met someone while we were still together. He was very blunt and honest about her and our relationship ended fast. He had to hurt me to pull away so he could start this new relationship. I was so deeply hurt that I became mean and cruel.  I  said awful things and threaten him on the phone. He saw a side that was shocking,  I begged for him to stay i did everything in my power to win him back.  He fell deeply in love with this new women.
 
I have a motorcycle that's in his name that i told him i would stop paying on it  which i didn't  but this motorcycle  gave me control over him. He decided not to speak with me ever  again,  until one day i called him up to apologies for my behavior he was very open to listen.  He told me he was still bitter and very disappointed in me.  Then the games started, once again I tried to get him back.  He started to play head  games by saying maybe if things don't work out,  I would have to date you first, if i do i want to move in, but it was all just a game to hurt me for what i did to him.
 
 I finally caught on and just gave up then I started to be mean again. I thought his action  was so cruel and unfair.  We talked and decided to me for coffee,  we talked about how perfect this new woman was and she was his perfect match and totally flawless! and very Beautiful.   He said they were planning on having kid and a wedding in the near future. They moved in together after two month of knowing each other they are now eight  months together and six living.
 
 Things are now different between us we have worked out some our differences but we still have to workout changing the ownership of the bike and thats almost done.   What concerns me is that he  is so nice to me he calls me once a week to talk and just today we spoke in the morning and then in the evening. its friday and i told him to have a nice weekend and he said he would call me next  week sometime. Why is he calling me all the time? and why does he feel we are such good friends now? Why is he so nice? He acts like were social buddies. I just don't understand his behavior. I'm concerned, i need  advice and an answer. sorry about the long introduction leading to the questions.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you're struggling, but you have to look at this situation more objectively. You're twisting everything according to how you want it to be.  I don't think he's being cruel and unfair, I think you were cruel and unfair.  When he loved you, you took him for granted and kept your love hidden.  So, he got tired of that and found someone else.  He's just being nice to you, and probably trying to make sure there are no more tirades.  You blackmailed him about the bike, and you've behaved very badly.  This is not the way to win someone back.  He's found someone else, you have to let him go and move on.  Get the bike ownership cleared up, and then say goodbye.

Don't try to be friends, he's moved on.  He just doesn't want to be the "bad guy" in this situation. Let him go, don't call him, don't respond when he calls you.  Stop playing games. You've been in a couple of bad relationships now, it's time to learn about healthy relationships, so you can do it different next time.  Read "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship?"  And start changing your behavior. How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free (4th Edition)  will teach you how to build a committed, effective partnership, and Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you find and develop a new, healthy relationship.  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: How Can I Sleep with my Ex-girlfriend's Mother?

 
Dear Dr. Romance:
 
Maybe you can give me some advice. I am 18. My relationship with my girlfriend ended with her leaving me. She said that we could remain friends. This happened over a month ago. My ex-girlfriend and I have remained friends. She has a new boyfriend and she seems happy. I am happy for her. We still see each other as friends and I am still invited to her house. This question involves her single mother. From dating my ex-girlfriend I have gotten to know her mom well. She is a very nice woman and very attractive. The other night I was invited by my ex-girlfriend to a dinner at her house. She, her new boyfriend, myself, and her mother were there. Her mom cooked. It was a nice meal and a fun time. After the dinner my ex-girlfriend and her boyfriend left for their date. I offered to stay and help clean up. Her mother was happy for the help. After we got done cleaning up the kitchen from the meal I asked her if she would like a massage. She said "yes". I gave her a good rub down. It seemed to relax her and she seemed to enjoy it very much. It also gave us a chance to talk more which I enjoyed. I also enjoyed the feeling of her warm and smooth skin. After it was over she thanked me with a passionate kiss. I would really like to have sex with her. Do you think there is a chance given the fact of the difference in our ages and the fact that I was a boyfriend of her daughter? How can I let her know of my desire? Perhaps asking if she would like another massage would give us a chance to talk about this. How can I make this request to her?

Dear Reader:
You are a brave guy, to consider walking into this hornet's nest. I don't think you have to worry about your ex-girlfriend's mom wanting to have sex with you.  What worries me is what happens when her daughter finds out.  You could be caught in a really nasty dysfunctional family trap. But you didn't ask whether I think you should, so If you want to do it anyway, you're of age, so you can just offer her another massage.  If you move into the erotic zones with your massaging, and she doesn't stop you, then she's saying "yes."  Proceed slowly, and if she responds, and doesn't say "no" she's probably wanting to go ahead.  At that point, if you're not sure, ask her if it's OK with her to have sex.  If you do have sex, make sure you're using a condom -- you don't want to get caught in an even worse tangle than this one.  Read my article "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship" (see previous post) and please be careful -- situations like this can become very painful. Personally, I think you'd be better off reading It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  to clear up your confusion and Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today to find someone more suitable

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Should I say something?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Should I say something? I'm reaching out to you for advice, I came across your blog recently and wanted to see what you had to offer. I'm kind of in a weird situation, I'm interested in this girl that I work with, we have great chemistry and make each other laugh non-stop, we also hangout outside of work and enjoy each others company. I wish I could tell her how I feel about her and how I want to see her happy all the time. She just ended a relationship about 4 months ago, from what I've heard it was a pretty serious relationship. I just wish she could know how I feel, sometimes it's so hard to hold back from saying something. What should I do? Hold off from saying anything and just continue hiding how i really feel?

Dear Reader:

If she ended a long relationship four months ago, she may not be ready to date anyone else yet, even if you are close to each other.  If she's hanging out with you outside work, then it seems to me she'd know the possibility that you'd like to date her does exist.  It sounds as if you have a light, easy, fun friendship.  It's OK to ask her if she thinks she'd ever be interested in more than a friendship, but be prepared for a negative answer.  If she says she isn't, or she doesn't know yet, you'll have to go back to just being her friend.  If she says she might like that, but it's too soon, then keep things light, but consider asking her out for a real date, where you make all the arrangements and take her somewhere.  Then follow my "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  .  Try to keep your expectations low, so you don't frighten her off by overwhelming her.  I don't see any reason why you can't say you'd like to see her happy all the time, or that you really enjoy her company.  Just don't get needy or pushy, and you should know before too long if this is ever going to develop into a more definite relationship.  If it doesn't, read "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" to get into the dating world. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will tell you all you need to know to make dating fun, safe, and successful.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: "Love advice would be greatly appreciated!"

Dear Dr. Romance,

I am in my late 20's and single. My problem is that I am in love with a man (who is the same age as I am) who reciprocates my feelings, but when we start getting close he backs completely off. When we run into one another while we are out with friends we talk and it is like we are alone in the room. I know he has strong feelings for me, but he just won't commit. He has had troubled relationships in the past, and I feel like those past relationships are the reason he won't let himself stay close to me. Meanwhile, I can't get over him and move on because every single time I think I am, I randomly run into him (he doesn't know I am going to be there either). I want more than anything to have a committed relationship with this man, but I don't know how. Any suggestions???

Dear Reader:
 
Have you tried asking him to do something that is non-threatening?  Maybe to show you how to do something on your computer, or to improve your workout at the gym?  Do you know what he's good at, or interested in?  Does he play a sport?  What if you and a few friends showed up to watch him play a game?  Perhaps one of your friends could invite both of you to go with a group to do something; like a movie.
 
You need to find something that says "let's be friends" and take the romantic pressure off.  He shouldn't feel pressured to commit.  He doesn't know you well enough yet, and you're both young.  You might be scaring him off by wanting too much, too soon. Relax, focus on being his friend, and being fun and pleasant to be around.  Read "Where is Love?" for more ideas.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today   will give you many ideas for non-threatening ways to get to know this man.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: It's tough because we work together and I see her everyday

Dear Dr. Romance:

I ran across the post from the man who was being "patient" with the wounded woman who kept projecting her thought and blowing him off. I thought it was so close to my situation, it blew me away.

I am a drug and alcohol counselor and found myself attracted to a coworker.  At first it was her idea to date saying "if I wasn't going out with so and so, I'd date you. You're a nice guy." She said this in front of several coworkers. Within two weeks, so and so had dumped her and after waiting a week or so, I asked her to a movie. At first she said yes, but later backed out because we work together and she has dated coworkers in the past and had to quit her job afterwards.

I backed off and the following week just asked for a coffee date. At first she said yes but to check back on wed. She of course again backed out. I really like this this woman and love the delicious conversations we have about everything from kids to psychology. She's very intelligent and can keep up with me on any subject. She always seeks me out for advice, insists we eat lunch together at the same time in the break room and always sits next to me at staffings. 

I've asked her to coffee a total of 5 times (once she even gave me her home number to call her to ask her out), but always backs out. She usually uses working together or "focusing on her art career" as an excuse. She does this on the side for extra money and is actually very good. 

She is the same age as me, been in recovery from alcohol addiction over twenty years, been married several times and had countless failed relationships with men. The over-all theme of them seem to be, men disappear, blow her off, use her and dump her, etc. So much for seeing her potential huh?

I began to notice that when I did ask her out, she would actually panic, I could see it in her eyes. This seems to me to just be old Adult Children of Alcoholics stuff. These women tend to go for men who are unwilling or who are unable to give them love.

When a man shows up that could actually love them and there might be a happy ending, they sabotage it. So they are alone and bitter.  It's tough because we work together and I see her everyday. I make myself available for her to talk as long as I'm not busy. I am trying to move in my mind though. I know relationships should be fun, joyful and have two willing partners who are emotionally available.  It's a shame. This woman is awesome. Unfortunately, she doesn't think she's all that awesome apparently.

Dear Reader:

I'm glad you found my post helpful. You may be right that there is too much intimacy in your relationship already, and it frightens this woman. However, she does have a point about dating coworkers. It's a common dilemma: work is the easiest place to meet and get to know people, because the "dating desperation" is not present, and you're in proximity for extended periods of time, so it's easy to get to know someone before you ask them out. However, there's the ever-present problem that if the dating does not go well, your job environment can be ruined.

These days, there are also considerations of sexual harassment and hostile work environments to consider. If it goes badly, one or both of you could indeed have to leave your job.

However, she sounds like she's teetering. She's giving you mixed messages because her feelings are mixed. Inside she's probably going "I'd like to know him better. Oh, I shouldn't -- it could be a disaster." She might come around in time, if you keep the friendship going, and don't make any more moves toward asking her out. But, it's a gamble.

My advice is to keep looking for someone away from work. There are a couple of articles on my website that will help you.  "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends"  will show you how to find love interest outside of work "Where is Love?" will give you insight into intimacy.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will  help you develop a more mutual relationship,  and teach you how to find a suitable partner and develop the relationship beyond dating. 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Do you feel that she is wanting out and doesn't want to tell me or hurt me?

Dear Dr. Romance:
I have a question for you. I normally don't ask questions like this. But I was looking at your Facebook page and reading some of your responses. Here goes.

I have been with this female for almost 1 year. I really love her a lot. The last month things have changed. We don't spend nearly as much time together as we used to. She has Thyroid Disease and her medicine fluctuates which can change her mood a lot.  We used to meet every morning for a hello, hug and kiss have a good day before work. Took lunch together everyday. Last two weeks we have done neither of the above. She says that she is tired and going home to rest and doesn't have time in the mornings to meet with me. I have asked her if she wanted to continue our relationship and she says that she does. That she wants to be with me. We have planned on having a child together and getting our own house together. Do you feel that she is wanting out and doesn't want to tell me or hurt me? I don't know what to do. I give her space and time but it seems its not enough. I truly don't want to leave her because we have so much fun together. We go camping on the weekends and do pretty much everything together or at least we did. Should I just keep giving her time and see what happens or should I just end it and go on with my life?

Dear Reader:

No wonder you are confused -- you are getting very mixed messages.  It's possible your girlfriend is just going through a difficult time with her health, and really has no energy.  If this is true, she may feel that she has to be "up" and energetic to please you, and she just doesn't have the stamina right now to do it.  So, she's avoiding you.  You might consider whether you are asking too much of her right now. Perhaps she needs to know whether you can be there for her when her health is not good. 

You don't say what your living situations are, but if possible, why don't you try asking if you can come over to her house and pamper her for an evening?  Try thinking about what you can do for her, rather than what she is not doing for you.  Maybe she'd like a nice, quiet evening, watching a movie, Where she doesn't have to entertain you. Maybe you both need to get a little less romantic and more realistic about your relationship. "Couples Can Cooperate for Success"  and How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free (4th Edition)  give you more detailed information on how to create a more mutual relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected] 

Dear Dr. Romance: Even though i dont want to talk to him, i miss him

 Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a college girl doing master degree. I am facing some problems pertaining to my love life and i wan help from u. My relation with my boyfriend is about a year old. After we got committed he is transferred to a different state. We are away from each other for the past 8 months. Meanwhile I have met a guy in my university in my department and i think i can feel some soft corners for him. He proposed me a some days back and after a few days i found myself leaning against him in his arms. Now my boyfriend loves me a lot and is very caring. Though he stays away from me we talk to each other more than twice a day. But i am attracted to this guy of my university. I can't decide what i should do. the guy in my university is moving a step ahead towards sex everyday and i cannot resist him. Neither do i want to breakup with my boyfriend. 

As far as my boyfriend is concerned, i like his sense of commitment and being by me whenever i need him, but as far as career is concerned, his career is not that competent as mine. I come from india and my parents opinion matters a lot to me and they won't accept someone to be my life partner whose career is not better or equally good as mine.

On the other hand the guy in my university is PhD pursuing and has a bright career ahead. But he at times behave quite insensitively. Like a few days back he started such topics that brought tears to my eyes, i left the lab immediately as i couldn't hold back my tears but he didn't make any movement to stop me then, though he called me later and apologized but had my boyfriend been there, he would have immediately stopped me and helped to fight back my tears. My boyfriend loves me this is for sure. He knows the entire situation and everything about the guy in my university. He was very hurt to hear all those but is still in my life and taking care of me and considering that to be a mistake of mine want to keep me in his life. On the other hand yesterday as we were standing close to each other in the lab a senior student came into the lab and bounced back out of the door seeing us together. i was very hurt as if this goes out nobody in the dept will ever respect me. i got very annoyed and asked this guy to stop talking to me and stop meeting me. but since i came home i cannot concentrate on anything. Even though i don't want to talk to him, i miss him. i don't understand what is happening and what i should do. please help me.

Dear Reader:

I understand your problem.  You're caught between what your heart wants and your parents' disapproval. Perhaps you're not quite ready for a commitment to your boyfriend or this other guy.  Maybe you should ask your boyfriend for a break,  during which each of you can date others.  Being apart is difficult, so I can understand why you are having feelings for someone else.  Do you love your boyfriend enough to risk your parents' disapproval?   If not, then you should let him go, don't keep him holding on in vain; he obviously loves you.  If you're not going to ever commit to him, he needs to know that, so he can move on.  This new guy doesn't sound like a good choice.  Yes, he's got a  better job than your boyfriend, but it doesn't sound like he's as good a guy. 

However, neither relationship seems to have a solid foundation, so I think you're not ready to be so serious.  Take some time to figure out what you want out of a relationship. You haven't said anything about what you have in common with either guy, or what your plans for the future are.    Being close to someone and having sex isn't enough to create a solid relationship.  You are in a stage of life now where your options are open.  Maybe you should keep them open until you're more clear about exactly what you want.   "Asking for What you Want"  will help you get more clear with yourself and your boyfriend, and "Stupid Cupid"  will help you understand what you need in a relationship.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction can give you the tools you need to help you deal with your parents better, and figure out what you want from your own life.  That has to come from you, not your parents or your boyfriend. The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before 40  will help you think more clearly, and make good choices.  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Am I Ready to Have a Girlfriend?

Dear Dr. Romance:

i hope u are doing good.  You know i really want to show appreciation for all the "Happiness Tips from Tina" newsletters. they are really helping me. really i  should say. i print them and read them just to correct some little mistakes aside the Bible. please i would like u to help me with this question.  I am a young guy who is really confused about love. sometimes i feel like i  need to have a say a girlfriend not for sex but to share my thoughts or something like that but in a nutshell companionship. at times i feel like I'm not ready say my age and not ready to hurt someone. something like that.  please can u help me. all the same sorry for the style of typing. say the  small letters, punctuations and the like. lol. please do forgive me. any, i will be patiently waiting for your reply. please no pressure and do take  care of yourself. peace

Dear Reader:

I'm glad you're enjoying the newsletter. I think it would be wonderful for you to have a companion to share your  thoughts with, and girls are good at that.  If you focus on being friends, you won't risk  hurting anyone.  Please read my article "Make New Friends, Keep Good  Friends" I think it will help.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  has the answers to a lot of your questions. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: What can I do to give her reason to believe in us again?

 Dear Dr. Romance:

I've been reading some of the articles on your web site and thought I would take a chance here.  My wife and I are in the process of getting a divorce. She is divorcing me because she claims she fell out of love with me and no longer wants to be tied down. We have 2 children ages 8 and 10.  Next week the kids are off from school for the week because of vacation. I took the week off to be with them.

The problem for me is I have to spend the majority of my time with them at my old house that I lived in with my wife and kids. I'll be losing the home in the divorce and it hurts to stay there with the kids. I live with my father at the moment and he just doesn't really have the room for me to take them for the entire week. My wife and I talk quite a bit about things and she is the only one that wants the divorce. I'm trying to figure out ways to be able to make the marriage still work but feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I'm hoping maybe with me being back at the house even temporarily that it may bring back some feelings for her. As I said, she just doesn't want to be married but I can't come up with any arguments for her to want to stay. We still have to deal with each other constantly because of the kids. What can I do to give her reason to believe in us again?

We are at the point right now where we will probably have to sell the home because neither of us can come up with enough to buy the other out of the equity in the house.  I'm torn. Part of me says why try and stay with someone that clearly doesn't want me anymore? She claims there was never that crazy in love feeling. Yet she still wants to have sex with me on occasion and do things together with her and the kids. I did love her but now I'm like what am I fighting for anymore. Losing the house, her and the security of family life that I charism so much.

Yet there is something inside of me that wants this to work out. We've been discussing the relationship but she's been pretty much content to be on her own. I can see why because I spend Tuesday night, Wednesday night, and Friday thru Saturday with the kids. I pay half of my take home pay to the household to help support her and the kids and the dogs. Plus I still have to pay for where I am staying at. She doesn't want to lose the house and disrupt the kids anymore than they already have been but my stance on that is the kids have already been disrupted and its better to change things drastically for them now than when they get older and can't deal with the changes as well. She won't do counseling cause she doesn't believe in it and I am at a loss for what to do. I don't want to stay where I'm not wanted and I don't feel I should lose out on everything I have worked for in the last ten + years just to make her happy and make her decision to divorce easier on her. I'm not trying to hurt the kids so how do I protect myself and them at the same time?

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce.  Instead of trying to persuade your wife, try listening very deeply to her instead.  Women tend to want divorces when they feel the man they love doesn't care or understand.  I'm betting that's the problem here.  Before you can solve the problem, you have to find out what the problem really is. What is it about being married to you that she doesn't want?  So, brace yourself, and spend some time listening to her.  Let her complain about you without getting defensive or making excuses.  Just repeat back to her what you hear her saying.  Listening to her doesn't mean you agree, or that she's right, but it will give you a clear idea of what would have to change for her to be interested in keeping the marriage going.   If your wife won't go for counseling, why not go yourself, and get some coaching about how to deal with the problems in a more constructive way.  In my experience, when one spouse goes in for counseling, the other soon wants to come in, too.   "Guidelines for Finding and Using  Therapy Wisely"  will help you find a good counselor.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together can help you fix what's wrong with your marriage.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't want to hear my kids cry anymore

Dear Dr. Romance:

I feel like I am going crazy I don't want to hear my kids cry anymore, I don't have enough money for anything, I don''t have anyone that I can trust to watch my kids, because they are going through some separation anxiety because I am the one that takes care of them day in and day out. I got a little part time job 4 hours a week, but it just still does not seem like enough, I am anxious, tired ,feel like crying all the time I don't know what to do please help.

Dear Reader:

You need to take care of yourself right away.  If you can find someone to watch your kids, don't worry about the kids' separation anxiety.  They'll get over it, and you need the break.  I'm not sure how serious your financial situation is, but if you're in danger of becoming homeless, you can search online for a local woman's shelter, which may take you and your kids in until you get things sorted out, or help you find resources in your area.

If you have any family or friends (or the kids' father) who could help, now's the time to swallow your pride and ask for help.  You need some relief, to get rested up and get your courage back.  "Asking for What You Want" will show you how to get help successfully, "Comforting the Little Orphan Girl"  will teach you how to comfort yourself, "The Courage to Hope"  will lift your spirits, and "Into Every Life"  shows you a way to get through hard times.  You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK. They will offer resources and help. I'm glad you reached out to me, and I hope you'll reach out to others for help and support. 

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  has helpful information, exercises and guidelines for learning to manage your emotional struggles.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: My Wife is Totally Shut Down

Dear Dr. Romance:

My wife is totally shutdown and she does not know what to do. She wants to talk to someone for help and also for taking a decision that can help her to decide the future of us as a couple if is still possible or not.

I just know that in the end I was very bad at her during this years of marriage. Not because another woman or drugs/alcohol or because of violence.  But I think my character was extremely bad with her that in the end she got tired of all these small but very painful acts.  I know how good you have been with helping me in the newsletter you have sent me and this is why I thought that perhaps you can talk to her and see if there is still time to save our relationship.

I hope that maybe is just a matter that someone like you help us to clear and clean and put order in what we should do and move on. Or perhaps it is too late now. At least I think we deserve a chance to be helped by an expert and by someone that knows how to fix these kind of situations.

This situation has taking me very down as well (deep depression, lack of interest for everything in life, etc, etc) for more than one year. I went to some phsycological help here but the person who helps me was not so good and I do not know of someone else.

While I was reading your article "Apology and Forgiveness" a hard question came to my mind. In your article you said: "You don't have to condemn your partner to be wary of his or her out - of -control or thoughtless behavior. Instead, you can recognize that both of you are fallible human beings, do what is necessary to fix the problems, and then forgive each other."

What if the only solution is the divorce ? I think we have hurt too much each other. Not because of another man or another woman or any of us cheating. I think that during our marriage (15 years), she became another person. A person that you will not expect to give you a kiss, comfort, support, or most of times.. a conversation. My feelings are too high for her but there is just one way. I give love but I do not receive.

I think that in the end, I should give without expecting to receive (even the Bible mentions that) but I think that my reserves of love finally are empty. I am tired of give and give and give and it hurts. So, while I was reading your message I thought that maybe the necessary action we need to do to fix the problem is to have the courage and accept that this is not working. We have discussed several times about that but nothing changes so, in the end it seems that this is the only and better way to fix the problem. What really hurts is also because we have kids. For me is even hard because I love them too much but I think I am hurting myself too much as well in this role of giving love and not receiving anything at all. Anyway, I do not want to extend anymore.

Basically your point to do all necessary to "fix the problem" made me think of a divorce as the necessary action to fix the problem.  Thanks for the great job you do in helping a lot of confused, missing and sad souls around the world !!

Dear Reader:

It sounds like you two still care about each other, but don't know how to repair the damage that has been done. I think your wife is hurt, too, and that's why she shut down. It would be a shame to let your marriage go if it can be fixed. I'm sorry the counselor you got was not good, but I still strongly recommend that you get counseling. It's important for you and your wife to be able to hear each other, and it sounds like you need help doing that.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  will help you find a more effective therapist. Take advantage of  the free "Happiness Tips" articles. They will give you a lot of help in healing what has gone wrong in your marriage.

If you two get some help, I think you can fix the marriage. If that doesn't work, I still think you can have a good relationship with someone else, if you correct your past behavior and attitude problems.  "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship" will explain the difference between a relationship that works and one that doesn't.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will give you a model for a functional relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I feel like I am a maid and a sex toy not a wife

Dear Dr. Romance:
Me and my husband just recently celebrated our 20 year anniversary.  I bought my husband a small gift and when I ask what he got me- he told me I was not worth getting anything. This really hurt, my husband does not show any kind of affection or consideration for other people's feelings. When he is confronted he just replies "You knew this when you married me."  But this is the least of the problems: he refuses to "man up" and be a father to his two boys- the older one is about to graduate from high school and constantly is getting in trouble and my youngest son is in his early teens. My husband talks down women in general and my older son has learned from this and absolutely hates any kind of authority especially from women. I can't talk to him because he acts and says everything just like my husband- he is an exact clone of my husband!! When I ask my husband for help with the kids, he says I am shitting on him by telling him my problems with the kids and to just leave him alone. I really can't go on living like this. I feel like I am a maid and a sex toy not a wife. Any advice would be very helpful.

Dear Reader:
I'm very sorry to hear of your difficulty.  This is going to be a tough fix, since you have put up with your husband's bad behavior for twenty years.  During that time, he has gotten more and more comfortable in his rigid thinking and anger.  It sounds as if you're afraid of him, and I'm not surprised.  You are going to need support to help you fix your situation.  It's not likely your husband will change, unless something drastic happens to shake him out of his set ways.  That something drastic might be his son getting into severe trouble, or you leaving him, but there's no guarantee that even that would get through to him that he's got problems.  I'm not sure where you live, but there is probably free or low-cost counseling available, that would help you think through what to do about your situation. Try your local community or county mental health department, or call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. 

If possible, you would also benefit from attending Adult Children of Alcoholics (whether the name fits you or not, you have the symptoms) meetings, which are free, or take a donation.  You can find ACA meetings here  . At least try a meeting or two.   "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship" will help you understand how much trouble your relationship is in and "Family Violence Q & A"  will help you get out of your situation. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  has all the information and exercises you need to begin to understand and change the dysfunction.    

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I want my wife and family back.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I saw your article "The One Who Got Away " about getting back together with your ex.

Can this really happen? My wife is divorcing me because she has fallen out of love with me. We aren't divorced yet but are in the process by going to a mediator. It's something I do not want to happen. We have two beautiful kids together. I spend as much time as possible with them and my stbx does everything in her power to keep me in the loop of things. But she lost belief in the fact that we would ever be able to have things like other people do. She finally went to work full time now that she is trying to get the house. If she would have been willing to do that when we were together our financial problems would have been gone. It was like she expected me to do the majority of the work, but she was the one we sent to school to get the degree for 2 years. Anyway. If there are any steps you can offer me to take to keep this from deteriorating any further I would appreciate hearing them. I want my wife and family back. By the way there was no cheating, no abuse, good sex life. She just couldn't talk to me and tell me what was bothering her. Thank again for any help.

Dear Reader:

It's no use saying "If she would have been willing..."  You can say the same thing about yourself. If you had been willing to listen, this problem would not be happening.  Yes, you can probably fix your marriage, but in order to do so, you must listen to your wife (she needs to listen to you, too, but I'm not talking with her here.)   You're blaming her. That will do you no good.  Find out what you should have been doing, because you can fix that.

Ask her if she's willing to tell you what went wrong for her, and don't  argue or make excuses.  Just listen, and seek to understand things from her point of view.  You two don't have a partnership, and that's what a good marriage requires.   "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship"  will show you what is wrong.  Share the article with your wife.  "Apology and Forgiveness" will help you put the past to rest and start over. "Couples Can Cooperate for Success"  will show you how to learn to work together, and creating a loving, healthy marriage and family.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will teach you the skills you need to know to make your marriage a happy one. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Perhaps my desire will never be realized

Dear Dr. Romance,

Not knowing just where to begin, I will simply state that I am a man in my mid-fifties, who possesses exceptional health and fitness, and who has been in love with a much younger woman, (mid-thirties), for many years and who has just lost her husband through death.  

First of all, please recognize that I do feel not joy in the loss of my friends husband.  She and I both have experienced divorce of our spouses over the years we have known each other but most recently, she has lost her third husband through suicide.       

I certainly am sensitive to the fact that she will be going through a grieving process for an unknown amount of time and that I do not intend, in any way other than as a close friend, to bring her and her children comfort and some financial help.  She has absolutely no knowledge of my feelings for her and I do not want to bring any more confusion into her already chaotic life than what is already there. 

May I simply ask how to tenderly, genuinely, and respectfully introduce to her, as a close friend of her and her family for over 20 years, the fact that I am in love with her and have been for so many years?  I will, as always, respect and honor this woman; for what is love without honor and sacrifice.  But I am not just a little concerned about the age gap, nor do I take lightly the fact that we both have gone through some life changes in our past.   

Perhaps my desire will never be realized, but I feel that I must at least make the attempt, at the proper time, and in the proper way.  I will remain a man of honor until my own death, but until then, I wish to strive to give all that I can give with a pure and chaste heart to a woman that simply fills my heart with desire and love.

Dear Reader:
 
Your chances are probably good, if you continue to be patient.  Twenty years is not that much of an age gap, at your stage of life.  Your friend needs a friend right now, not a suitor.  So, please do not bring this subject up.  Just be there for her in any appropriate way you can.  Offer to help her with things around the house that need doing, if you're capable.  When you're going grocery shopping, or to the library, call and ask her if there's anything she needs.  Invite her out to a movie, not as a date, but because you think she'd be interested. 

Please, whatever you do, don't get romantic during the movie.  Just be her friend.  She'll need, at the very least, a year to recover from her grief -- perhaps more, if she feels guilty about the suicide, as surviving spouses often do.  Make time to listen to her, call and see if she's doing OK, just be that close friend that you are.  Statistics show that widows frequently turn to a neighbor or family friend in their time of loss, and if the friend is supportive, but does not pressure them in any way, the relationship often turns into a new marriage.

You sound like a very respectful and caring man, so just be her good friend.  She's probably comfortable around you, and if you create opportunities to be together (if she has children, offer to accompany her to their school games and events, as a friend) your companionship may very well grow into something much more.   "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again"  will help you be understanding about her grief and Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences can help you slowly develop a healthy relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I cannot compete with a dead man

 Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm a sixty something divorced man, I have not had a  relationship for a long time. Last year, I met a wonderful lady from Colombia, who is a little bit younger, well educated and has a green card here.  She has taken me out of my loneliness and made me feel alive again.  Her late husband was killed by the guerrilla in  Colombia. She has told me how wonderful he was and how much they  love each other and that is fine. I'm happy that she have good memories, but she  keeps bringing him back, I told her that I can not compete with a  dead man, she tells me that is a different feeling and how happy and  how much she loves me. 

The other day she was on the phone with a relative in Colombia telling her how happy she was for the first time in so many years and  how wonderful I was, what a wonderful time she was having and how  eager she was for them to meet me. Then, all of the sudden she answered "No I will never forget  him" ( her late husband). Maybe they were trying to make her feel guilty or maybe I'm insecure and over reacting, she keeps talking about the future and in terms of a long relationship and how wonderful our lives are and will be,  and she makes me so happy, but one thing for sure is I'm confused and afraid to be lonely again.

 Could you please help me

Dear Reader:

Do you understand that you're jealous of a ghost?  It's natural for a surviving spouse to idealize someone she lost in such a horrific way.  She has some survivor guilt, and also it sounds like some cultural/family pressure.  None of this will make her leave you or fall out of love with you.  If she had lost a child and talked about him, would that upset you?

You have to let go of your fear and jealousy about her dead husband.  It's  healthy for her to talk about him and things they did together, when being with you reminds her of her previous marriage.  If you don't get upset, and just let her talk, these memories will fade, and eventually talking about her late husband will stop.  The more upset you get, the more you push her away.  Please read my article "Handling the Green-Eyed Monster"   Don't let your own insecurity ruin this relationship.  A dead man is no competition for you.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free (4th Edition) can help you and your lady friend overcome jealousy, and learn to communicate effectively.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I just want my husband and best friend back

Dear Dr. Romance:

My husband and I married more than five years ago, in our early 30s.  We had a good marriage. We agreed that if we would sit down and talk things out should we have issues.  We always held true to that until his mom died several months ago.  He was very close to his mom but she had  cancer. I cared for her for a year and a half.  She died sooner than expected, and when she died - he became very distant, and could not sit still at the house - he always wanted to be doing something.  I made made the majority of the money, but I lost my job and I could not find another in my line of work. With no warning, he told me he wanted a divorce - I was devastated.  We talked the next day and three days later he came home and said he did not want a divorce- two weeks later he pulled the same stunt and left again.  He moved in with his father and continued to live there.  We were divorced last spring, and I fought it the whole way.  My parents and his dad think he became overwhelmed with his mothers death and the bills we had that he could not pay on his own.  My question is... I want to reconcile, but I am not sure how to let him know this.  Can you give me some advice? He has told a mutual friend he still loves me but there is someone better for me out there.  Please help... I just want my husband and best friend back.

Dear Reader:
 
I'm so sorry for your husband's loss, and your difficulties.  Your ex-husband needs grief counseling.  He is not grieving normally -- Instead, he's trying to run away from it.  That's like trying to run from himself, so he runs from you, also.   I think it would be a good idea for you to contact him and let him know you still care.  He's very down on himself, so he doesn't feel worthy of you.  Let him know that you care, but don't go back to living with him or agree to re-marry him until he gets counseling.  Otherwise, he will just run again.  Go with him to counseling if he won't go alone.  Read  "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" and "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" for guidance in knowing what to do.   If he's willing, my eBook course,  "Grief: What it is, Why we have it, and How to get through it"  will help him through his grief

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't have the strength to file for divorce

 Dear Dr. Romance,

I have been separated for almost 2 years now but don't have the strength  to file for divorce. In part this is because I feel bad (I decided to  separate because I was unhappy) and he has no immediate family in the US,  but also because of our daughter (her Christmas wish last year was "that mom and dad be together again"). I don't think I love him any more but I  certainly care about him because he is a good person overall. He has  improved a lot but unfortunately I think this came too late to save the  relationship. I think he is still hopeful although he never said anything  (this is part of the problem, he is never pro-active). And it is breaking my heart to know how much my daughter wants us to be together again - I am  worried that I am wrecking her life. What should I do???

Dear Reader:

I'm also worried that you're wrecking your daughter's life for no good reason. It takes work to build a marriage, and it sounds like you just opted out without seeing if you could solve the problems.  "I don't think I love him any more." is not a good excuse for destroying your family.  Long-term marital love must be built -- it doesn't just happen.  If he's a good person, but somewhat passive, and he's already improved, why don't you try improving, too?  Start your new year by re-starting your marriage.  You can show him how to be pro-active. The two of you can get counseling for your marriage, read books, figure out how to work better together.  You have to create your happiness, it doesn't just happen to you.

"Asking for What You Want", "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" and "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" will get you started on rebuilding this marriage. How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will give you a new definition of marriage that is more successful.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: She makes me feel like I'm worthless

Dear Dr. Romance:

I was reading an article that you have written and it caught my attention. I'm in an relationship where the lady is older then me. it started off great then six months later its like reality hit hard, i love this lady so much she makes me feel like I don't have a care in the world. then sometimes she makes me feel like I'm worthless. i think our biggest problems consist of where she has two kids and that I cant provide like I should be able to, she is 26 and I'm 20. please tell me what i should do, your my last life line. thank you and have a blessed day, 

Dear Reader: 
You are both pretty young to be saddled with so much responsibility. Your lady friend is probably stressed about finances, and when she's worried, she takes it out on you.  Your age difference is not too great for your relationship to succeed, but you need to be sure you're acting like an adult, taking as much responsibility as you can, being helpful to her and creating a partnership with her to make it work.  She already has two kids, she doesn't need you acting like a third kid, being needy and demanding her attention.   "Asking for What You Want" and "Stop Reacting and Start Relating"  can help you learn to solve problems without fighting,  How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together is exactly the book you both need to learn how to build a successful relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: My parents do not agree with the relationship at all

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read "Age Differences in Dating". I am 20 and in a mature, very passionate and understanding relationship with a man in his mid forties. I met him at work and we have been together almost a year. My parents do not agree with the relationship at all and have told me they don't want me apart of their family if I stay with him and can never accept it. I was hoping you may have some advice on how to ease the subject on them once more. 

Dear Reader:
Your parents are worried for your well-being and safety, and they probably don't trust a fortysomething old man who'd date a 20 year old. They may have a point.  What they're trying to do is pressure you not to date him, which probably won't work anyway.  Just please be careful, go very slowly in this relationship, and make sure you're not being used.  Once your parents see that the two of you are serious, that he's not a married man who's using you, and that your relationship is aboveboard and honest, they'll probably relax. In the meantime, let them know that you love them, too, and you'll take good care of yourself.  Read my articles "Coping with Critics"  at which will help you deal with your parents, and "Stupid Cupid" which will help you make sure your relationship succeeds.  You'll get a lot of help and support from How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free , which is designed to help any couple create a healthy, successful relationship, even if the people around them disapprove. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: What behavior does a control freak have?

 Dear Dr. Romance:

 I recently read "Could He/She be a Control Freak?"   and I suddenly  found information that seemed to pertain to a failed marriage that I was still pondering about.  I am wondering, if a person had a chaotic  childhood and teens growing up, like you mentioned, do those types of people blame others for things?   Do they say the other person is the controller?  Do they not see any responsibility on their part for things   and only blame others?  Could they easily become upset and lock themselves in their room and maybe not speak to you for a day or so?
 
 Just curious about the types of behaviors control freaks may have.

 Dear Reader:

Yes, these actions sound like the survivor of a chaotic childhood.  For this person, it's really important to blame someone else, to deflect the ensuing storm from him-or herself.  The problem with this person is, the traumatized child from the past is still running the show.  At the least upset, the person reverts to early childhood, and reacts in the same way he or she did then.

Because the early trauma is not resolved or healed, the person lives as though the childhood chaos could come back at any minute. Thus, the traumatized person tries to control the environment (including others in proximity,)  is hyper-vigilant (ultra alert for impending doom) and emotionally over-reactive.  "Mirrors and Teachers" shows you a simple way to handle these people better, "Self Control: Who’s in Charge Here?" explains the difference between controlling others and yourself.   It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction,  will explain controlling and other types of dysfunction  more thoroughly, and is designed to help heal early trauma. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected] 

Dear Dr. Romance: I do not feel like having sex

Dear Dr. Romance:

How are you ? I read your article "Is Dating Scary? Here’s what to do"

I have a question. I am separated since three years and seems like will get divorce in 3 to 4 months. I have a 3 year old kid and my delivery involved 4th degree tear with perineal tear.

My face and figure is still beautiful but Now I have stretch marks on hips breast and I have this low-esteem as I have bit of urine leakage now and then as an after affect of 4th degree tear . Also my vagina looks weird and feels  loose.

I do not feel confident about new relationship . I feel insecure and feel like no one will love me. I do not feel like having sex. 

In short I am deliberately not looking for new relationship as do not want to get hurt. Any suggestions?

Dear Reader:

You are not a kid any more, so you need to look for a more grown-up relationship.  You need someone who will be a good match for a grown woman with a child.  Start by making adult friends.  Join groups of parents with children, or join a community organization.  There you'll make friends who care about you, not because you're beautiful, but because you're a caring human being.  Before long, someone will stand out as special, and also think you are special.  You will already know something about this person, from being around him for a while at the group, so it will be easier to establish a connection.  "10 Reasons For Not Falling in Love" "Where is love", "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" and "True Beauty: Honor the God or Goddess in You"  will help you overcome your reluctance to get to know new people and find the love you want.  The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will show you how to re-evaluate your self-image and your life.

Your vaginal problems may be correctible with medical help.  Please ask your doctor.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Is quitting the right thing to do?

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I need your advice. at my workplace when I was hired one of the colleague asked me what is your age I remember casually I said I am 38 ,I did not even had a hint of what was going on. after a month people were celebrating some bodies birthday and then I came to know that they write every bodies age on a calendar and they celebrate the milestone(10's) ,that sent me into spin; now this year as per calendar I am 40 but really 41 and some how I happen to avoid the celebration and took vacation but when I came back right after 2 weeks I was surprised they arranged my 40th ,I am feeling so embarrassed and hurt you don't have a imagination, I had no idea a casual answer will land me into this situation, now I don't feel like eating or going to work neither I want to quit this job, this is vey good job. people can really see the disappointment on my face also It is not easy to admit this  stupidity it really will hurt my image what do you suggest to help me. I am very down to earth, humble person. I have learnt my lesson. Is there any way out of this mess, is quitting is right thing to do?
 
Dear Reader:

I understand that you are embarrassed that you said you were one year younger than you are, but I don't see why it's such a big problem.  What is hurtful about this? You're making a very big deal out of a small problem.  Either decide to tell the person who arranges the birthday celebrations that the date is off by one year, or let it go.  It will be nine more years before the topic comes up again, and you might not even be there.  It's only a mistake, not a crime.  Of course it's not necessary to quit your job.  It's up to you whether you correct the mistake or not.  No one will be upset.  Please read my article "Your Primary Relationship"  which will help you to take better care of yourself.

You might also like It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction which will help you understand how you got so self-conscious, and build your self esteem. 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth will help you improve your happiness and build your self-worth.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I've been going crazy this past week and I needed help.

 Dear Dr. Romance:
   I've been going crazy this past week and I needed help.  I won't tell you my life story but I just wanted to tell you that the Tips for Happiness articles on your page gave me a lot of the tools I KNEW I needed.  The problem is that I've had that "internal war" [ see: "Winning the War Within"] you described going on and I haven't been able to figure out where to start to get myself better. Anyhow, there's too much to explain and I'm sure you're a busy woman, I just wanted to send you a quick and huge THANK YOU for putting your wisdom out there for everyone to benefit from. God Bless you.

Dear Reader:

Many thanks for writing.  It's good to hear that my writing has been helpful to you. You might want to try reading  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction.  It will help you control the chaos in your life and understand why you're at war with yourself, and what to do about it.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I am determined to make a better life for myself no matter what happens to my marriage

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I happen to be going through an extremely difficult time in my life right now.  My husband was unfaithful during the time that I was "absent" from the marriage due to my mother dying from brain cancer.  Of course, there were problems long before this and this was just a major symptom of our problems.  We are trying to work it out, but we are two people with problems of our own as well as our joint problems.  We are both in individual therapy as well as couples therapy, but I am always open to other points of view.  I am struggling with self-esteem, self-confidence issues  right now, so I am anxious to read your book It Ends With You 

I am determined to make a better life for myself no matter what happens to my marriage...easier said than done....and I need all the help I can get.  I'm sure I will be reading your books and visiting your website often. 

Thank your for all your efforts to help people like me.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you had to experience the loss of your mother.  Congratulations on deciding to make your life work despite what anyone else does. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction is just the right book to help you. The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will help you reorganize your life and reestablish your priorities.

"Letting Go Takes Love" and "Why Couples Fall Out Of Love"  will help you find better balance in your relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I have been hit, controlled and manuipulated (by husband and in-laws)

Dear Dr. Romance: I am writing to you for some advice... I hope you can help.

I am the mother of 5 children, in my mid-thirties, and married for about 10 years. I have been abused for years. People I know tell me to fix my marriage that "You could've handled this better or that." I don't know.
That I have 5 children "why didn't you do something sooner? You're chances of finding another man will be basically 15% with 5 and that's keeping hopes high." So my mind is in shambles. I have been hit, controlled and manipulated (by husband and in-laws) since the first year of marriage ...I never told my family until a few years ago, when I ran away from him. I went back my family and i believed he was sincere in change....the change that occurred was the beatings stopped and I had a little more freedom. But he was not happy he felt taken advantage of (ex. if I went to buy milk or food more than twice a week at the big food store.) But we still had fights at least 3x a month. We are very similar but for some reason he places limitations on what i can or cannot do, or what i can say or think. He drives me crazy. Now after another 8 years I can't handle it anymore. He has begun to hit me again besides the constant put downs. I let him take me from the USA to Israel which was a big mistake on my part. I don't know what to do. I haven't worked since I was 18 . I have 5 children, one of whom (4 y) doesn't want to be with me and is with his father. I need help figuring this out. Sometimes I even consider going back. His father keeps telling me to go back. I know I won't be happy. Please help me out.

Dear Reader:

 Please don't go back to a man who beats and abuses you.  I agree that Israel was a big mistake on your part.  You haven't been thinking clearly or making good decisions for a long time. Your husband does not love you, he doesn't want a wife, he wants a slave.  He probably learned it from his father, so don't take his father's advice.  Will your family help you get back to the states?  You don't say how old your children are. I'm assuming, from the length of your marriage, most of them are in grade school.  You'll need help to get free. 

If you can get back to the states, you can call the  The National Domestic Violence Hotline  (1-800-799-SAFE)  , and go with your children to a woman's shelter.  There, you can get training in earning a living, and help taking care of your children. Israel may have something similar.   It's not going to be easy, but what you've been going through is not easy either.  Every day that you stay, your children are learning to be abusive like their father, or abused like you. 

If you manage to get away from him, he will promise to change, but don't believe him unless he goes to extensive therapy.  Once you get away, stay away for at least a year, no matter what he says.  In a year, you'll be able to see if he changes for real.  I don't think he will.  He's taken you to Israel so he can have more control.  Talk to your family, get them to help you come over here, (you can say it's just for a visit to your children's grandparents) and make a plan to get into a woman's shelter, so you don't have to be dependent on your family. Your family can also contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE)   to find out how to best help you.   "Family Violence Q & A"  tells you how to take care of yourself and your children. 

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will explain how violence and dysfunction are passed down in families and cultures and how to recover from it.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: he's a drug dealer and she says that's why she loves him.

Dear Dr. Romance:

My wife and I have been married for 17 yrs and we have a 14 yr old  daughter. My wife has stated to me that she is unhappily married and wants her own place.   I recently found hotel receipts, 1 day vacation cruise receipt, and  Facebook photos of my wife and her mate.

I am devastated, hurt, feel betrayed, angry. I do not really know what to  do as of now. She stated she wants a divorce and individual counseling for herself only.  Also, She stated she currently has strong feelings for the guy and she love him.

The guy is married and he have 1 additional girlfriend and my wife know of it. Most of all he's a drug dealer and she say that's why she love him. Can you please help me? I feel like a reject

Dear Reader:

It seems pretty obvious to me that your wife has a drug addiction, and that's what made her drug dealer look good to her. I hope your daughter will be staying with you, if her mother is on drugs.  I don't know where you live, but you should find an Al-Anon meeting and attend -- it's for the spouses of addicts.  You can find one at http://www.al-anon.org/

If I am right, and your wife is addicted, then all her thinking and choices are affected by the addiction.  Blaming yourself is not productive. What you need to focus on is building a good life for yourself and your daughter.  Hopefully, your wife will get help, come to her senses, get clean and sober, and come back, but you can't wait for that to happen. "Letting Go Takes Love"  and "Mirrors and Teachers" will help you find some clarity. The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs will help you understand how addiction works, and what your wife would need to do to get free of drugs.  Good luck to you and your daughter. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]