Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: I've been going crazy this past week and I needed help.

 Dear Dr. Romance:
   I've been going crazy this past week and I needed help.  I won't tell you my life story but I just wanted to tell you that the Tips for Happiness articles on your page gave me a lot of the tools I KNEW I needed.  The problem is that I've had that "internal war" [ see: "Winning the War Within"] you described going on and I haven't been able to figure out where to start to get myself better. Anyhow, there's too much to explain and I'm sure you're a busy woman, I just wanted to send you a quick and huge THANK YOU for putting your wisdom out there for everyone to benefit from. God Bless you.

Dear Reader:

Many thanks for writing.  It's good to hear that my writing has been helpful to you. You might want to try reading  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction.  It will help you control the chaos in your life and understand why you're at war with yourself, and what to do about it.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance on Less Talk, More Action

Dr. Romance writes:

Those of you who have read my articles know that I am always talking about the importance of good communication, urging better communication, and giving skills for being better understood. Communication is one of the most important aspects of relationships; positive and negative. However, talk is not necessarily communication; and there are lots of non-verbal ways to communicate.

Most of my clients waste a lot of time and energy, and develop resentment by making big announcements about things If you don't start picking up your clothes, I'm going to send them to Good Will If you won't help me, I'll do it myself “If I ever catch you cheating, I’ll leave” or the classic, We need to go to counseling.

I am all for good communication, but if you've tried to communicate, and it's not working, it's time to adopt the Nike slogan and "Just Do It".

My beloved Richard loves to tell this story of his parents: His mom said to his dad: "Wouldn't it be nice to remove this wall and make the living room bigger?" His Dad just sort of grunted assent. When he came back to the house from working on the farm the next day, she had taken a sledgehammer and smashed a big hole in the wall, which meant they had to finish the job.

Richard likes to laugh about that, because it shows what a dynamo his mother was, and that she'd get done whatever needed doing. He also says he's careful what he says yes to, because he knows I'm going to follow up on it.

Whining, complaining, nagging and making snide comments are not the same as asking for what you want. Yelling, pouting, temper tantrums and hissy fits are also not effective communication. If you think your partner won't or can't work with you, these techniques are useless, and usually make the problem worse. Fighting about something over and over is an excellent indication that you’re not effectively communicating.

There’s an effective technique/skill that will work in these situations: Ask directly for what you want; then, if you’re not getting any cooperation, you can bypass all the struggle, hassle and arguing: Stop talking about it and just solve the problem.

This is probably the most powerful encouragement for your partner to join in and agree to negotiate, because he or she does not get to be part of the solution, and loses the power to stop or stall you. This is not done in a spirit of: "OK, you won't negotiate, so I'll show you," but in a spirit of "I understand that you don't want discuss this, so I'll have to solve it for myself, as best I can. When you are ready to cooperate and negotiate, I'll be available." I have written about this before, as a technique called “solve it for yourself.” The emphasis here is on don’t keep talking about it; just solve it for yourself.

There are several benefits to this approach:
* It is liberating to assert yourself on your own behalf and to realize you don't have to have your partner's participation to be satisfied, yet you also don’t have to shut him or her out, or be unkind.

* You no longer have the problem you were concerned about.

* You can still have a good, loving, relationship, because you have shut your partner out (the option to negotiate is always open) and you aren't feeling frustrated, angry and deprived.

* It takes the pressure off your partner, and increases the likelihood that he or she will relax and be less defensive and more interested.

* It prevents you from being helpless and frustrated, so you are more able to welcome your partner's cooperation when he or she offers it.

The key to solving the problem instead of repeatedly talking about it is a belief that there is a satisfactory solution. Caring about your partner's wants and needs (as well as your own) is central to cooperation, but you cannot effectively meet your partner's needs without his or her help. When your partner refuses to help solve the problem, you have no choice but to focus on doing it alone until you get cooperation. As long as you offer every opportunity to cooperate and you extend an invitation to your partner to join you whenever he or she wishes, you are free to focus your attention on solving the problem for yourself. If you try to please your partner at your own expense, there is no chance for both of you to be satisfied. Once you’ve tried to cooperate without getting support, the best solution is a course of action that puts you in control of your well-being and separates you from the effect of your partner’s resistance.

The following steps ensure you can be sure you've given your partner ample opportunity to cooperate, and you're not overreacting.

Guidelines For Solving It Yourself

1. Be sure you've made a thorough attempt to negotiate. Don’t go to Solving it for Yourself until you’ve made an honest effort to engage your partner in negotiation; not just fighting.

2. Tell your partner what you are doing. State clearly that you have attempted to negotiate the problem, that your assessment is that your partner doesn't want to work on it, that you would prefer to work on it together, but that you've decided what you are going to do about it on your own. You might want to say you’re sad to have to do this, and you’re protecting what's good about the relationship. It’s very important to be able to do this calmly and definitely.

3. Invite your partner to negotiate at any time. Say that you are going to follow your own solution, but that you are open to discussing it at any time. This is your open invitation to negotiate, which keeps it from becoming become a power play.

4. Communicate your good will. Let your partner know that you value him or her and the partnership, and you don't like having to make unilateral decisions, but you feel you have no choice, because your partner won’t work on it with you.

5. Be sure your solution solves the problem for you, even if you think your partner may not like it. If the solution works for both of you, the problem is solved, and needs no further discussion. if your partner is not satisfied with your solution, he or she has already been invited to negotiate, and being left out is a powerful incentive. To get a different perspective, imagine what you would do about the problem if your partner weren't part of it. What would you do if your best friend were involved? Considering a relationship problem from the vantage point of a single person often points out places where you're being needlessly dependent.

Hopefully, you will seldom need to solve a problem without your partner's cooperation, but knowing you can solve the problem for yourself and still leave the door open to your partner's participation means you can remain calm and gentle in the face of a partner's reluctance to cooperate. You don’t have to wait for a reluctant partner to do it with you, as long as you let your partner know what you’re doing in advance.
This will certainly be better for your relationship than feeling frustrated, angry and taken advantage of. These skills create an atmosphere of cooperation between people, and lead to negotiation that satisfies everyone involved.

From: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I am determined to make a better life for myself no matter what happens to my marriage

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I happen to be going through an extremely difficult time in my life right now.  My husband was unfaithful during the time that I was "absent" from the marriage due to my mother dying from brain cancer.  Of course, there were problems long before this and this was just a major symptom of our problems.  We are trying to work it out, but we are two people with problems of our own as well as our joint problems.  We are both in individual therapy as well as couples therapy, but I am always open to other points of view.  I am struggling with self-esteem, self-confidence issues  right now, so I am anxious to read your book It Ends With You 

I am determined to make a better life for myself no matter what happens to my marriage...easier said than done....and I need all the help I can get.  I'm sure I will be reading your books and visiting your website often. 

Thank your for all your efforts to help people like me.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you had to experience the loss of your mother.  Congratulations on deciding to make your life work despite what anyone else does. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction is just the right book to help you. The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will help you reorganize your life and reestablish your priorities.

"Letting Go Takes Love" and "Why Couples Fall Out Of Love"  will help you find better balance in your relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I have been hit, controlled and manuipulated (by husband and in-laws)

Dear Dr. Romance: I am writing to you for some advice... I hope you can help.

I am the mother of 5 children, in my mid-thirties, and married for about 10 years. I have been abused for years. People I know tell me to fix my marriage that "You could've handled this better or that." I don't know.
That I have 5 children "why didn't you do something sooner? You're chances of finding another man will be basically 15% with 5 and that's keeping hopes high." So my mind is in shambles. I have been hit, controlled and manipulated (by husband and in-laws) since the first year of marriage ...I never told my family until a few years ago, when I ran away from him. I went back my family and i believed he was sincere in change....the change that occurred was the beatings stopped and I had a little more freedom. But he was not happy he felt taken advantage of (ex. if I went to buy milk or food more than twice a week at the big food store.) But we still had fights at least 3x a month. We are very similar but for some reason he places limitations on what i can or cannot do, or what i can say or think. He drives me crazy. Now after another 8 years I can't handle it anymore. He has begun to hit me again besides the constant put downs. I let him take me from the USA to Israel which was a big mistake on my part. I don't know what to do. I haven't worked since I was 18 . I have 5 children, one of whom (4 y) doesn't want to be with me and is with his father. I need help figuring this out. Sometimes I even consider going back. His father keeps telling me to go back. I know I won't be happy. Please help me out.

Dear Reader:

 Please don't go back to a man who beats and abuses you.  I agree that Israel was a big mistake on your part.  You haven't been thinking clearly or making good decisions for a long time. Your husband does not love you, he doesn't want a wife, he wants a slave.  He probably learned it from his father, so don't take his father's advice.  Will your family help you get back to the states?  You don't say how old your children are. I'm assuming, from the length of your marriage, most of them are in grade school.  You'll need help to get free. 

If you can get back to the states, you can call the  The National Domestic Violence Hotline  (1-800-799-SAFE)  , and go with your children to a woman's shelter.  There, you can get training in earning a living, and help taking care of your children. Israel may have something similar.   It's not going to be easy, but what you've been going through is not easy either.  Every day that you stay, your children are learning to be abusive like their father, or abused like you. 

If you manage to get away from him, he will promise to change, but don't believe him unless he goes to extensive therapy.  Once you get away, stay away for at least a year, no matter what he says.  In a year, you'll be able to see if he changes for real.  I don't think he will.  He's taken you to Israel so he can have more control.  Talk to your family, get them to help you come over here, (you can say it's just for a visit to your children's grandparents) and make a plan to get into a woman's shelter, so you don't have to be dependent on your family. Your family can also contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE)   to find out how to best help you.   "Family Violence Q & A"  tells you how to take care of yourself and your children. 

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will explain how violence and dysfunction are passed down in families and cultures and how to recover from it.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: he's a drug dealer and she says that's why she loves him.

Dear Dr. Romance:

My wife and I have been married for 17 yrs and we have a 14 yr old  daughter. My wife has stated to me that she is unhappily married and wants her own place.   I recently found hotel receipts, 1 day vacation cruise receipt, and  Facebook photos of my wife and her mate.

I am devastated, hurt, feel betrayed, angry. I do not really know what to  do as of now. She stated she wants a divorce and individual counseling for herself only.  Also, She stated she currently has strong feelings for the guy and she love him.

The guy is married and he have 1 additional girlfriend and my wife know of it. Most of all he's a drug dealer and she say that's why she love him. Can you please help me? I feel like a reject

Dear Reader:

It seems pretty obvious to me that your wife has a drug addiction, and that's what made her drug dealer look good to her. I hope your daughter will be staying with you, if her mother is on drugs.  I don't know where you live, but you should find an Al-Anon meeting and attend -- it's for the spouses of addicts.  You can find one at http://www.al-anon.org/

If I am right, and your wife is addicted, then all her thinking and choices are affected by the addiction.  Blaming yourself is not productive. What you need to focus on is building a good life for yourself and your daughter.  Hopefully, your wife will get help, come to her senses, get clean and sober, and come back, but you can't wait for that to happen. "Letting Go Takes Love"  and "Mirrors and Teachers" will help you find some clarity. The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs will help you understand how addiction works, and what your wife would need to do to get free of drugs.  Good luck to you and your daughter. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance On: The Tennis Match: How to Balance the Power in Your Relationship

Couples often contact Dr. Romance for counseling soon after they move in together, because they’re arguing about differences in design and life styles. Whose furniture to use, where to put it, who can use each room, or how to work out the division of labor. These squabbles are often symbolic and mask the real anxieties of the partners, which have to do with intimacy, space and closeness.

Partners who have trouble talking with each other about simple differences and can’t negotiate quickly become frightened that they won’t get their individual needs and wants met, and their fear causes them to become reactive and combative, so they argue rather than solve problems together.

Each person in a relationship has individual needs for closeness and personal space as well as needs to feel nurtured, understood and autonomous within a relationship. Individual people define their freedom in very different ways. Some want the freedom to be close and comforted; others want the freedom to be autonomous and unfettered.

Boundaries and Taking Space

When one of you doesn’t get enough space or enough closeness, you will begin to struggle within your relationship. One of you might feel unappreciated for being caring, while the other feels oppressed and smothered. One of you might be alert to your partner’s moods; often walking on eggshells not to upset him or her. The other might threaten to leave in order to get his or her way. One of you will want more together time while the other wants more space; and neither of you are satisfied with the compromise. Struggles like this lead to resentment, hurt and arguing.

When you struggle with a partner, the flow of love between you will be blocked -- even when you truly love one another. If you learn how to achieve balance and end the struggle, you’ll create the love and partnership you deeply treasure.

The Tennis Match: Volleying the Conversation, Balancing the Energy

Knowing and communicating what you want and what you feel are the basic skills for creating a mutually satisfying intimate relationship. I recommend the tennis match approach to help you understand and honor each other’s needs for space.

The tennis game approach is a flexible process that you can adapt to almost any situation. To keep your relationship in balance, especially if it’s new, neither you nor your partner should do all the calling, all the planning, all the talking, all the giving, and all the chasing. You can’t play tennis if only one of you is hitting the ball.

Instead, make a move to show the other person you’re interested in being close, then sit and wait for your partner to make a move in return. For example, make a phone call to invite him or her for coffee, or to join a group going to the movies, and then let him or her make the next invitation. This is like making a serve, then waiting for your partner to return it.

This is often difficult to do, because the natural tendency when you’re interested in someone is to be active. But being too assertive in the relationship may push the other person away, or may disguise a lack of enough interest on the other person’s part. Don’t keep hitting balls over the net if they’re not returned.

On the other hand, if you never hit the ball, but always wait for the other person to do it; you aren’t playing a very good tennis game, either. It’s essential that you do your part, because passivity is easily interpreted as a lack of interest, and can shut communication down. The tennis game metaphor is useful, because if you compare what has gone on in the relationship so far to a tennis game, you will quickly see if you’ve been either too passive or too aggressive.

The tennis match is so central to moving the relationship on to new levels that I’ve developed some guidelines you can use to show interest, understand and promote intimacy. Demonstrating that you are interested in what your partner is saying, and want to hear more, is essential.

Whether you’re online, on the phone, or face to face, you need to keep your conversation going back and forth — keeping the tennis match going in a balanced way.

Tennis Match: Guidelines for Understanding your Partner

* Take Turns: Leave room for your partner to open topics, to express opinion, to gather thoughts and express opinions. Don’t jump right in to a silence if it’s not your turn.
* Concentrate: Listen carefully to what your partner is saying — don’t wander off mentally into what you want to say next.
* Volley (Respond): After your partner says something, respond directly to it, letting him or her know that you heard and understood what was said, and, if possible that you have similar thoughts or experience.
* Don’t Argue: There is definitely a place for spirited discussion in good conversation, but be careful not to get too oppositional. Your objective is to establish understanding.
* Return the Serve: At the end of whatever you say, invite a response by adding “don’t you think?” or “What do you think?” or, make your response a question.
* Serve Again: If your partner drops the ball, ask a question about something that was said before, and give your partner plenty of time to express his or her opinion.

Let your partner know if you would like more space or more intimacy; and listen to the response. If you work together, you can achieve a good balance.

Adapted From: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I love her but I can't understand why she doesn't trust me

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I want to get your book How to Be Happy Partners because I heard great things about it.  I am a retired police officer who has never abused alcohol or been violent. Everyone but my wife says I have a great sense of humor.  I have 3 beautiful kids that I love and adore with all my heart. I love going places and doing things with the family since I retired and am being Mr. Mom. I unfortunately have a controlling lovely wife who I just can't deal with anymore. I love her but I can't understand why she doesn't trust me after 10 years of marriage.  If I get up in the middle of the night, she questions where I'm going. I tell her I'm going to France to use the bathroom and will be back in a few minutes. She's a nurse and I recently found her in an "Emotional Affair" with a doctor who is also Married. She was staying out late and one night I overheard her cell phone conversation.

I never confirmed this as being anything more then just an emotional affair, but it has affected me to the point that I want out.  I have never cheated on my wife but she has thrown stuff in my face about other women. I'm home with the kids all the time, cook, clean, drive the kids to dance, girl scouts, church etc., filling in as the mom, but it's never enough. Every time I leave the house I get questioned. 

Does she not trust me because I caught her and she is afraid I will do the same or even up the sides?   My kids are my life.  When we married we made a pledge that it was for life and no divorce was to ever happen.  I went to counseling for answers and she only went once with me. Our marriage  is not that important to my wife anymore. We are very lucky to not have financial problems.  I don't like to air my dirty laundry to my family because I don't want to hear them talk bad about my wife and the mother of my children and just don't know where to turn to. My friends will tell me "why do you put up with it?" and all I think about is my kids.     

Dear Reader:

Yes, your wife may be controlling you because of her own guilt. Perhaps she thinks you love the kids, but not her.   I understand that you're hurt and angry and you feel betrayed, but you have a family that is probably worth fighting for.  Why not try a different counselor to see if you can heal this problem and save your family.  Find a counselor who specializes in marriage counseling and healing from an affair.  Then, be upfront with your wife, and say if things don't improve, and she won't come to counseling with you, the marriage will wind up in divorce. She probably doesn't want that any more than you do.
 
It's clear you're very involved with your kids, but I wonder how the relationship and intimacy with your wife is going.  Perhaps she feels she can't talk to you, just as you feel you can't talk to her.  With some expert help, you can learn to talk to each other.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a counselor who can really help you, who will give you homework and put both of you on the spot when you're creating problems.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will help both of you re-connect and can teach you how to rebuild your marriage.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance; I am not sure if I should tell him how I feel.

Dear Dr. Romance

Five months ago  I started talking to a guy whom I had known at school many years ago. We are now adults. He is not married, both of us have never been married. We spent a weekend together just as old friends. Went walking, beach, dinner, shared the same room.

We talk to each other from time to time but on general issues. We chat on the phone or online. He had dinner three times at my house.  He is a hard working person. Spends a lot of time at the office. I do want to have a relationship with him. But I am not sure if I should tell him how I feel.

He knows that I am independent financially and have my own house.......... not sure if that may scare him.  He is a very decent and intelligent guy, and at my age I don't think I would find someone like him easily. But I am afraid if I tell him, then it would affect our friendship. Any advice would be appreciated.

Dear Reader:

Yes, I think you should tell him, but in small bits, not all at once.  Take your time, let the relationship build, and let him know how much you like spending time with him.  Don't be too eager, give him a little space, make him come after you a little bit.    "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  and "Guidelines for Relating With Love"  will help you move through the stages of dating and beginning a relationship. 

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you navigate the transition from friends to partners.

As things develop, read How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free together to develop a shared definition for your relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]