Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: his apology didn't change much

Dear Dr. Romance,

I've read your articles online and was impressed by your viewpoints and solutions to problems between men and women.

I'm married for more than 10 years with no kids. I joined a new firm 2 years ago and started working with a lead on a new project. I felt he's nice at first and we worked very closely together. Sometimes we chat a little about each other's personal life. There's once when he told me he's been married for more than 10 years with 2 kids. He's about the same age as I am. He met his wife in college and they had the same background. When I commented that he found the perfect one, he said she's not perfect but is his other-half. He couldn't keep on divorcing to find a perfect one. I told him the first one is usually the best. Another day later, he told me his mother divorced for his stepfather when he's 14, he experienced stress during that time, and he didn't want his son to go through the same he did.

After he left my cube, he emailed with "Girlfriend?" in it. I instantly felt insulted and emailed him back with angriness. He explained to me that  "girlfriend" didn't mean someone to sleep with, but a 'meaningful' close friend. I asked him that coworkers getting along well with each other is good, but why did him want to put me in this position? He said sorry, and later he referred to this request as a joke. A few weeks later he came to me and said he's been thinking about me all weekend, and asked me if one could love 2 people at the same time. I said that's not love but attraction. He said felt better and we continued trying to maintain our work relationship until one day he asked me for my pictures via email. I rejected him and he emailed me back implying it was my fault.

I started to examine myself thinking I might have misled him sometimes and felt depressed.  Since he blamed me, I stopped talking to him, tried to avoid interaction with him as much as possible. He noticed and came to apologize saying he was unprofessional and hurt my feelings.  But his apology didn't change much Now I just feel the relationship is awkward and I don't have much respect for him even though everyone else still thinks he's a very nice and helpful guy. 

Now my problem is, every time he asks me to do things, I have resentment since I don't feel he deserve to be my lead. But I know this is not good for the work and my own career.  People don't know what happened between us and would think I'm trying to be hard on him for no reason while he still presents himself as a nice, patient, and helpful person in front of everybody including our big bosses. 

I thought about leaving the team, but I've earned my reputation here through hard work and I like what I'm doing. Can you tell me the right approach to deal with it? I hoped I'd found your web site much earlier for I feel so stuck in this relationship for quite a while. Thanks and I look forward to your reply.

Dear Reader:

Actually, I think you've handled a difficult situation rather well.  This man is a user, and he has learned that being charming will get him what he wants.  As you already realize, he's not such a nice guy.  If you want to stay in your present position, keep doing what you are doing, being polite and cool, but not giving him any personal warmth.  Focus on doing your job. "Mirrors and Teachers" will give you pointers on giving him a time out and handling his harassment without creating a problem.  "Setting Boundaries and Saying No" will strengthen your resolve to keep him in place.  Be patient, he'll find another victim before long, and leave you alone.  You might also find my book, It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction helpful in understanding how other people can seem nice but actually be trying to take advantage of you.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance On Giving Thanks

Dr. Romance on giving thanks:

A lot of people aren’t very good at looking at the positive.  I hear a lot of negativity, blaming and complaining daily in my counseling office, and I find the more negative people are, the worse their lives work.  Talking about how bad it all is seems to be quite popular.  When I can break through this fashionable bad attitude enough to get my clients begin thinking of what can be done to fix the problem (rather than how awful it all is) things soon begin to improve.  

Of course parts of life are hard; things don't always go right.  We all grieve at loss; we hurt sometimes; we can feel tired and overwhelmed. 

But when you make the effort to see the other side, this very same life can also be full of delight and joy.  When we look with gratitude, we remember the people we have lost also filled many days with laughter and friendship.  Loyal friends rally round and support us when we get hurt, tired or discouraged.  

For clients who complain that they're lonely and lost, I point out all the wonderful opportunities they have to connect with others.  If you're out of a job, sure that's hard, and sure job hunting takes time: but it also gives you time to spend with people; which can be absolutely free, if you arrange it that way.  There is no charge for walks on the beach, sitting on the porch at sunset talking, or helping each other with your resumes.  

I knew someone who was fond of quoting research that claims depressed, pessimistic people have a more accurate view of reality than optimistic, happy types.  What I want to know is  whose lives work better: the depressed people who are supposedly more "realistic", or the happy, "unrealistic" ones.  This charge of unreality connected to a happy outlook is more of the modern, fashionable "downer" attitude. 

We don't get to choose everything that happens to us in life; but we do have many powerful choices to make, including how we respond to what happens to us.  If you constantly see the most negative interpretation (half a glass being half empty, rather than half full), your demeanor will reflect that negativity.  If you seem depressed, down or angry most of the time, others will respond to that negatively: by rejecting or criticizing you.  No one can handle being around a person who is down most of the time; it saps the joy out of life. 

The opposite is true when you’re optimistic and grateful for what you have. 

It's probably easier to show gratitude when you're not overwhelmed by largesse and opportunity. It’s easy to take it all for granted, when we have so much.  But, in my practice and in my own life, I see the result of remembering to stop and be grateful.  Counting blessings enhances your life, by increasing your awareness of what you have, what you've accomplished, and the love you experience.  It enhances relationships by reminding you to say "thank you" and getting the reward of spouses and friends who feel appreciated, and thus motivated to give/love/share more.  Celebration + Appreciation = Motivation.    

Here are are some easy tips on how to feel more thankful: 

*Take some time each day to be thankful (ideally, to your Higher Power, God, the Angels, The Saints, the Universe, Mother Earth/Nature, or whatever you see as a Supreme Being)  for each and every thing that comes your way.  Do this silently, for yourself, not ostentatiously, to impress others.  If you say a grace before meals, say it silently, and think about how fortunate you are. 

*Keep a list for one week about every good thing that comes your way -- a funny e-mail, a phone call, a business success, a loving gesture.  At the end of the week, you'll be astounded at how much you receive. 

*Saying "Thank You" to your partner allows both of you to feel valued. Gratitude is powerful, and, used properly, a much greater motivator than demanding, criticizing, or nagging.  Creative thank you's are the most powerful kind.  It's easy to scope out what kind of thank you will be memorable for a particular person, when you’re paying attention.  Recognition is a powerful motivating factor, and a little gratitude can go a long way.

*Whenever a negative thought comes to mind, counter it with a feeling of thanks for something that is good in your life. Change your focus from what's wrong to what is right.

*Start counting what you already have that you cherish.  Consider beginning a gratitude journal, and noting all the positive things, beloved possessions, and tender moments you experience. Or, start a gratitude jar, and note down on scraps of paper all the positive things, beloved friends, favorite possessions, and tender moments you experience in your own life and store them in the jar. Then whenever you feel another pang, pull out a few papers and read them. You'll find that reminding yourself of all you have to be grateful for will cheer you up and help you remember that your life is a good one. 

Looking for the blessings in every day will maximize your awareness of how lucky you are, and increase the luck that comes your way.   I think of it the same way I think of receiving a gift.  If I receive good things by thinking "It's about time", then who would want to give me more? But, if I receive gifts with gratitude and pleasure, then the giver wants to give me more.  I think life works the same way. 

May your life be full of good things.

from The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: What is a backup solution?

Dear Dr. Romance 
 I just read your article about "Asking for What You Want" and it made a great deal of sense for me and my current relationship.  The only aspect that I didn't understand was when you stated that if you get a no or maybe response, you should have a back up solution.  What do you mean by having a back up solution?
 
Dear Reader:

Having a back up solution means to be prepared with what you're going to do if you get  "no" for an answer.  How are you going to handle the situation if your partner doesn't agree to do what
you want?  "No Cooperation? Solve it yourself" shows how to get unstuck when your partner won't cooperate.   How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together explains how to solve the problem for yourself when your partner won't cooperate. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: When you're white and your significant other is black

Dear Dr. Romance:  How do you handle it when you're white and your significant other is black?

Dear Reader:

If you are of different races or cultures, you have a lot to learn from each other.  Depending on where you live, you may experience some negative reactions from others, and you need to learn to ignore that. If your friends or family have problems, and you really want this relationship to succeed, you have to let them know that you won't tolerate any negative comments.  You can politely say, "I'm sorry it's a problem  for you, but this is the person I love, and I don't want to hear negative comments about it."   "Guidelines for Being Better Understood"   "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" and "Keys to a Happy Relationship" all contain information you can use to improve your life together.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will show you how to communicate about your relationship and your views, and how to work through relationship problems as they come up.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: His mother was an alcoholic and a toxic bitch

Dear Dr. Romance:

Don't know if you can help me or if i need to go to specialist alcohol sites.  My partner and i had been together for 21 years, i asked him to leave 8 months ago, but i miss him dreadfully at times and i have to remind myself why i asked him to go. His mother was an alcoholic and a toxic bitch, still is , anyway he has gone off to stay with his mom and dad, he's forty six years old , he did date someone briefly but i think it's over. Anyway is there anyway i can do to sort this out, i do love him but can't stand what his drinking was doing to me and our family. I seem to be the one having problems moving on.

Dear Reader:

It's difficult for most of my clients who have to deal with an alcoholic partner.  You're right to make a break, and you must stay away until he recognizes and gets help for his drinking problem. 

You'll find help for yourself at Al-Anon.  It's the AA support group for spouses and families of alcoholics. If your children are old enough, they can go to Ala-Teen. You'll all learn a lot there and you'll find others who understand what you've been through. You'll be very glad you went. Al-anon will teach you how to deal with your ex-partner.  

'Read "Letting Go Takes Love"  to help you remain strong and "Mirrors and Teachers" to help with the difficult mother-in-law.  They are free on my website.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand your family dynamics.

 The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance, and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs will show you what is involved in addiction and what is necessary to heal from it.

  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on The Meaning of Life

Dr. Romance writes:

A seeker goes to Nepal and climbs into the Himalayas to find a teacher, a guru he’s heard about. After months of searching and struggle, he finds the famous man, and asks his burning question: "What is the meaning of life?"

"The meaning of life is a bridge," replies the wise man.

The seeker is incensed. "Wait a minute, what kind of dumb answer is that? I struggled and fought to get here, and that’s all you have to say? A bridge? That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard!"

The guru blinked, looked at him and said, "You mean...it’s not a bridge?"

Most of my clients come to me, not searching for the meaning of life, but focused on some crisis in their lives: a relationship disaster, marriage or family problems, lack of direction and motivation, some huge loss for which they’re grieving, an emotional problem such as anxiety or depression, or perhaps even for help in recovering from an addiction. The first thing we do is sort through the crisis, handle immediate problems, and get everything settled down, then we embark on an extended process of figuring out how the problem happened and what must change to keep it from happening again. Once those things are handled, there's a period of bliss or euphoria, when life is working for the first time, they feel successful, calmer, more in charge. Most clients leave at this time.

Then, frequently, they come back asking "Now that I'm in charge of myself, and have a lot of extra energy, because life is a lot easier and my relationships are working, it feels like I'm missing something: what am I doing here?"

This begins a spiritual search for meaning, a transformation I've written about in The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs,

 

People for whom the basics of life are already established need more: they need a sense of meaning and a higher purpose than just survival. Once self-confidence and self-esteem are established, you’ll need a challenge to feel satisfied, a way to express your uniqueness and individuality to yourself, to friends, and to the world.

But if your life's purpose is not evident to you already, how do you find out what it is? Where does a sense of purpose come from? It comes from within you, and is not imposed or chosen from outside. Your purpose may be your livelihood, or it may have nothing to do with how you make a living. Your purpose may be a simple one, like making a good, healthy life for yourself and your children, or it may be more dramatic, and based on what you learned by healing your own childhood experience. Focusing on inner purpose can help you transform anxiety, anger, fear and rage into powerful, life-affirming action.

A life purpose gives you the means to control your destiny, no matter what the force of the hardships you have incurred. Most of the world’s spiritual thinkers have said that the wisdom guiding each of us is available if we just listen and trust what we hear. You may already be having many ideas but not be trusting them or taking them seriously. Perhaps when you get a sense of what what your life's purpose is, you are too distrustful of yourself, (I can’t do that) or too hopeless and helpless to believe it or act on it. Your purpose may make itself clear to you in one instant flash, or gradually, as if you are following clues, one at a time. Whether you get it all at once or a piece at a time, it will still take work and experience to bring it about. Inner wisdom is not rational or practical in nature, but more intuitive and spiritual. It can provide a way to see the big picture, or a more detached and objective viewpoint of the issues and problems of life. Each new idea must be tested through practical use, to see how it works. Step by step, using both intuitive wisdom and clear thinking, you can bring your inner motivation to the surface and use it to create what you want. Your combination of inspiration expressed through action becomes the bridge to the meaning of your own life. 

From:  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I can't forgive my girlfriend for cheating on me

Dear Dr. Romance:

Just over one year ago, my girlfriend cheated on me. It wasn't the standard 'met a guy, went to his place' kind of thing, she did it via the internet. He had her cell number but she swears they never talked (though she admits he left voicemails). Everything seemed fine with the relationship (though clearly it was not) until within a week of the time she began talking to him. During the time she was talking to him (sometimes in Spanish, which I do not speak, in front of me) she said she had lost interest in our relationship and seemed generally upset. He was a mutual acquaintance we both knew from an online hobby (a game). Suddenly she had lost interest in me though we had an increasing amount of sex. I later found out she thought of him when we had sex some of these times (she didn't volunteer this information, I asked point blank expecting a "no"). After talking to her I drew my own conclusion that she was naïve, opened up to him, and he took advantage of her, first talking about how things were generally, and slowly transforming her opinion of our relationship to think it would never work.

Now I am finding myself 16 months past this, and I can't let go. We've talked about it, I know everything she remembers (or everything she will tell me). She says everything is ok, seems truly remorseful, but I can't let go of what she did. I can't help but think 1, 5, 10, 20 or even 30+ years down the road how I will feel about my decision to stay with her should she do this again. My problem is that I cannot let go of this event. I enjoy time spent with her and we rarely argue. We enjoy many of the same foods & music, have similar goals, and basically want the same things out of life. Unfortunately, I can't truly forgive her for what she did to me, and this event feels like a wound that refuses to heal. I have only brought this up once or twice (and never during an argument) since it happened, but I feel like I get nowhere (despite both sides trying) when we talk about it; the only thing that changes is her going from happy to upset. I want to forgive her, but it feels like an impossible obstacle to overcome. I know it's silly in comparison to someone actually physically cheating, but had that been the case, we would almost certainly be over. I'm not sure how I can cope with this, many people have told me I'm being silly and should continue the relationship, but I can't seem to get myself to see it that way. Now I see her spending extra time on school, doing the right thing and possibly lining herself up for a job once her school completes, and I can't help but wonder if she's cheating (my logical self tells me it's not the case, but if I don't actually see her all day, I feel like I simply don't know).

Dear Reader:

The reason you can't let go of your hurt and betrayal is that you and your girlfriend have not healed the wound in your relationship. I strongly recommend that you get therapy. You both sound a little immature emotionally to me, and couples counseling would help you fix this problem and also deal with the other issues in your relationship. You don't need to be able to open up to just anyone, but you do need to be able to talk openly with your partner. On-and-off sex can also indicate a problem, especially if one or both of you is dissatisfied with your sexual relationship. Your girlfriend developed a crush, a temporary obsession with the fantasy relationship she had with the other man. It's easy to get swept up in fantasy, because it is so much more perfect than real life. She's still with you, which is a good sign. Have you ever considered learning her language? The fact that he could speak Spanish was probably part of what she was longing for.  Have you considered learning your girlfriend's language? It could be a way to bond if she helps you learn Spanish.

You two need to develop a partnership; not just hang out together. To build partnership, you must develop mutuality. That is, to care about each other's wants and needs, and work together to make both of you happy. Your relationship must have a lot of good in it, or you wouldn't still be together. Build on the good things.  "Handling The Green-Eyed Monster"; will help both of you understand how to deal with jealousy,   "Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner" will help you communicate, and "Stupid Cupid" will give you important questions to ask and answer together.  Reading and discussing them together should help you and your girlfriend solve your problems.

How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together is a manual you can use together to learn healthier relationship skills.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]