Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: I wish and expect my wife of 10 years to be more affectionate

Dear Dr. Romance

Here goes, I wish and expect my wife of 10 years to be more affectionate, simple enough? Yet we have talked and have had fights over this many times, we are soul mates so I don't want to go through life thinking "this is as good as it gets and accept it". We love each other but I want more, it seems we both deserve better. There is a ferocious circle that includes job, health, my home town, kids, my anger, her indifference, all sorts of things. We know the root of our problem but it repeats its self over and over.   

 We are moving from my home town to her home state. Banking on this we hope to solve our problems but I think our troubles are so engraved it might follow us. This is not about sex although I would like to share it more often. All I want is more hugs and kisses and not to be taken for granted. 
    
Dear Reader:

This isn't much information, but how do you expect to get more affection by fighting?  Perhaps the two of you need to learn to talk more constructively.  Most couples' problems do repeat, because they can't get far enough away from blaming to solve the problem. Moving will not solve anything; changing what you're doing will solve everything.  If you can use this move as an opportunity to change your interaction with each other, you'll be successful, no matter where you live.  You need to understand what the incentive is for her to be affectionate.  What does she want? Can you make an agreement?

Try listening to your wife, and what she wants, and try to work with her to make that happen, instead of competing with her about whose wants are more important.   "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" , "Better Intimacy, Better Sex"  and "How to be Irresistible to Your Mate" will help you understand what's not working, and show you how to fix it.  

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed  contains exercises and examples that can help you and your wife learn to solve problems, including intimacy and affection problems, together as a team.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on The Keys to a Happy Relationship

Everyone wants the best relationship they can have.

Dr. Romance  explains what makes a relationship work.

The markers of a happy relationship are: Cooperation/partnership, mutuality, laughter and affection. Whether you’re in a relationship now or hoping to be, these keys will help you create a more loving and happier partnership.

The Key to Handling Problems Before They Start:

Be on the lookout for early warning signs that things are getting a little off track between you two:

*If you're feeling resentful of anything; that's a definite warning. Resentment is like rust that can eat away at the foundations of the relationship. You need to talk about it, get it resolved.

*Arguments that won't go away and keep repeating are also signs of trouble.

*Companionable silence is good, resentful silence or hopeless silence (It's no use: he/she won't listen anyway) are problems.

*Problems with sex often indicate problems with other kinds of communication.

The Keys to Caring for Yourself Emotionally, Mentally, and Spiritually Are:

*Understand what you need to be happy.

*Don't dwell on the negative: if something's wrong, just focus on it long enough to understand it, then change focus to finding a solution.

*Don't expect your partner to make you happy: that's your job. You can help each other, but you can't do it for each other; so figure out what you need, then talk to your partner about how to get it.

*Count your blessings: no matter how annoying your partner may be at this moment, there are many good things happening, also. Don't let the negative soak up all your attention.

The Keys to Caring about Your Partner:

*Listen, listen, listen: The three most important words in a relationship are 'tell me more.' To consider your partner's needs, you need to understand them first. Listening does that. If you both know your partner will always be available to hear what you want to say, you'll be much happier. Knowing what your partner wants doesn't mean you have to give in; instead, work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

*Resentment is dangerous to you and your relationship: If you find yourself starting to harbor little resentments, take care of it as a favor to both yourself and your partner. Notice hurt feelings and upsets: don't let them pile up. Talk about it with your partner without being accusing. You can own that something hurt your feelings or upset you without blaming; and your partner is much more likely to own up if he or she does not feel accused.

*Most of the time your partner doesn't realize how you feel until you say it out loud: Take the time to know what you want to fix the problem before you bring it up. Understand why you're hurt, and whether it's something that actually comes from somewhere else: like a previous relationship or your childhood; or it's something particular to your partner. Then, figure out what you'll need to fix it.

The Keys to Common Mistakes that Can Alienate Both of You:

*Not taking responsibility for your bad moods, fears, and other feelings; and letting your partner feel responsible. That separates you.

*Not making sure you have time for your partner also separates you. Don't let TV, Internet, work, kids or other people soak up all the time so you don't have any left for each other. Seek a balance.

*Relaxing too much and becoming complacent. Keep your courting behavior alive, and bring it out regularly. Don’t ever forget that you fell in love with each other. Guard against taking your partner and your relationship for granted.

The Keys to Getting or Staying Out of a Rut:

When you feel like you and your partner are in a rut; you know you love each other, but you've just lost some of that zing when you're together, there are a few fun things you can do to freshen things up.

*Count your blessings, and share what you're grateful for. It will enhance the joy in your relationship.

*If you're bored, you've been lazy: get out there and do something together. A walk, a special meal (at home or out, depending on budget) perusing the photo album, a flower, a note; can all create pleasure and joy. Clear the calendar and spend a day just enjoying each other; including great sex. Have a date, like you used to. The zing will come right back.

*Dress for date night. Women often don't understand how much guys like it when they have pretty underwear or are dressed up. He won't see your extra weight or your little wrinkles: he'll just see that you dressed up for him. He'll like it. And guys, she likes it when you clean up, too. For that date night, dress as carefully as you did when you were really dating.

The Keys to Sharing a Household:

*Learn how to talk over difficult subjects: money, space and style differences; so that they don't escalate into fights.

*Avoid being territorial. You can share space, and blend your styles. Hopefully, there will be enough space that each of you can have a bit of turf that is yours. You need a corner to retreat to when you get on edge with each other or the world.

*To talk about money, use your business skills. It's just math; take the emotion out of it, and talk as you would in a business meeting.

*Share your space and your resources, and also allow each other some privacy and independence. Intimacy thrives when each of you has a sense of separate self.

The Keys to Sharing Parenting:

*To create cooperative parenting, understand that there are a lot more ways to do it successfully than you think. Maybe you liked what your own parents did, and your spouse liked what his or her parents did: but you are two entirely different people, and so are your kids. It's great to find a book or parenting class to give you both neutral ground to talk about it. And you do need to talk about it.

*Each time there's a problem, solve it on the spot, but then talk about it afterward (without the kids around) to work out how to avoid that problem in the future. Update your skills as your kids reach different phases (toddler, preschooler, grammar school, pre-teen, teenager, young adult) so you won't be always scrambling after the fact. Plan ahead together for the next phase. Take the time to enjoy your kids. Make sure they feel like part of the family by doing chores and helping out. Don't give them a free ride; it's not good for their character.

© 2022 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I am not sure if I am considered his "girlfriend."

Dear Dr. Romance:

Status confused  I met a really great guy online a few months ago. We see each other about once a week, or once every two weeks. He is always doing things for me like working on my car and helping me out in any way he can. However, I am not sure if I am considered his "girlfriend." I also feel like I cannot bring this topic up with him without scaring him off. How can I be sure of my relationship status with this man? Do actions really speak louder than words? And how do I broach the subject to find out if he thinks of me as his girlfriend?   

  
Dear Reader:

If he's working on your car, it's a good sign. Some men show their affection by doing things for you more easily than they can find words. Also, this man may be slow to make up his mind about his feelings. It's important to appreciate what he's doing for you, and let him know that you are grateful.  If things are going well, count your blessings, and don't push for change too quickly.  I could understand this anxiety if you had been together a year or more, but not in just a few months. 

I understand that you'd like to know the status of your relationship, but it's important not to push too hard. Being in a rush to clarify things can work against you.  You may need to help him understand and express his feelings. Choose a relaxed time, tell him you are really enjoying your time together, and ask him how he feels about it.  Use my "Guidelines for being better understood" as a guide for keeping the conversation going well.

Ask him if your friendship is going as well as he would like, or if there's anything you can do for him. Then, whatever he answers (which may not be much, if he has trouble putting his feeling into words), just let the conversation go to other topics. This will give him a chance to think about how he feels about your relationship. Wait a week or two, and try again. It is still early in your dating situation, so take your time and let the discussion grow. If the situation continues  until you're dating for a year or more, it may then be time to ask directly. However, I think if you follow the gradual, low-key method, you'll find out how he feels and what his intent is long before a year has passed. Try to avoid the dreaded "We have to talk about our relationship." It's less intimidating if you ease into it as part of a normal conversation.   Following the "Guidelines for Being Irresistible to your Mate" will help you create a relationship that both of you will cherish. 

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you understand the process of developing a brand-new relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I've always been asked out

Dear  Dr Romance :
 
 I just read about you and some articles you wrote about Age Differences in Relationships and really enjoyed what you had to say and how you said it.
 
 I now have a question: I am 49 years old and very attractive.  I look like I'm in my thirties.  There is this younger man, early thirties that I am very interested in.  I've always been asked out and never had to ask a man out.  But I don't want to miss this opportunity and would like to ask him out but I don't know how to do it.
 
 Can you please give me advice as to how I should go about it?
 
Dear Reader:

Don't worry so much about asking a man on a date.  I'd suggest that you ask this man for something smaller, like coffee, help with your computer, or a walk, or casual lunch with friends; it's not so devastating if it doesn't work out. Better yet, you need to get into a social circle where you can meet men you'll have a chance to know before you ask them out. 

If you see a man in action within a group, and interact with him without the pressure of dating, you'll be
more able to use the skills you've developed to assess the men and choose a good one.   

"Where Is Love"  and The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting will give you more information about where and how to look. "10 Reasons for Not Falling in Love" helps you look at your fears about dating and relationships and shows you how to overcome them.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will teach you all the skills you need to find and create a successful, loving and satisfying relationship. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: My 5 yr old step daughter literally tells me what to do

Dear Dr. Romance:

My wife and I were married about 9 months ago, both of us had been married once before, and my wife had a daughter by her last marriage, age 5.  Now I find myself in a situation, where my wife lets her by with murder, and when I punish her, my wife turns on me, and always over-rules me in front of my stepdaughter, my wife says that all I ever do is punish her, and that if I loved her I wouldn't do that, but I only punish her when she's actually mean, or dis-respectful.  Now, its got to the point where my 5 yr old step daughter literally tells me what to do, and my wife expects me to do it. She will  disrespect me, and laugh right in my face, this of course makes me terribly angry, and when I go to punish her, me and my wife end up in an argument.

Also, if she sees that my wife and I are talking, or just spending quality time together, she will interrupt, or jump right into the middle of it, its got to the point that I cannot say 3 words to my wife, or kiss her without, My little girl jumping into the middle of it, I feel that my wife's mouth is firmly planted on her daughters butt. and I resent my stepdaughter for that, because of her my wife and I get no time together. I guess I'm just as jealous as she is, and maybe this is childish, but its got to the point that I feel, and have observed my stepdaughter pitting me and my wife against each other.

Because of this, my marriage is crumbling, my wife is unwilling to make time for me, and by the looks of this, its dragging us all  apart, and I love them more than anything, its just I've tried everything, and I'm so frustrated. well that about sums it up, maybe I am childish, but I don't think wanting some quality time with my wife is wrong, or is wanting  to be looked at as an equal to my stepdaughter in my wife's eyes. 

Dear Reader:

Step parenting is a very difficult thing to do, and you and your wife made a big mistake by not working this out before you married. "The Challenges of Blended Families" will help you understand what is going wrong, and what to do about it.

It's normal for all three of you to be anxious, but taking such a negative view is not helping the situation. You seem to have an antiquated idea of how to parent. You'll do better if you see this as a test of whether you and your wife can become partners, a team, and work together in your marriage.  If you can't figure out  how to parent your step-daughter together, then the marriage probably won't work.  Fighting over it is the worst possible thing you can do.

I know you think you've tried everything, but it sounds as if you haven't sat down with your wife and discussed how the two of you can work together.  That's why I'm suggesting a marriage counselor: someone who can help you have a productive discussion of the issues and the solutions.

The real issue is not competition between you and a small child, the real issue is: how well can you and your wife work together?  Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting over the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship will show you how to negotiate issues like this.  The most important thing you can do is drop the struggle over who's right or wrong (that will lead nowhere) and begin a discussion about what you can do that will work for BOTH of you.

 I strongly suggest you and your wife go to counseling, to help you work out an agreement about who has the right to discipline the daughter, and  how and when it is to take place.   "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  will help you find an appropriate, affordable counselor.  I also think you should  take some parenting classes together so that you'll have a similar understanding of what good, effective parenting is.  Your marriage counselor can recommend local classes.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Attitude Adjustment

Dr. Romance writes:

I have blogged before about emotional hygiene, and doing the necessary maintenance on feelings as well as your physical body and household. Health reminders tell us to wash our hands frequently to prevent transmittal of diseases. Did you know you can “wash” your mood, too, and give yourself an attitude adjustment whenever you want to?

When I want to have a pleasant time with Richard, I know it’s important to manage my mood and keep myself on an even keel – if anything happens that’s disappointing, annoying, upsetting or stressful, I need to re-balance myself and not let it get to me or spoil the day.

Here are some ideas for how to turn your attitude around in the most common mood - disrupting situations:

Disappointment and Expectations

We all have high hopes and rosy pictures of the future when we enter a new situation or relationship. so when life turns out not to be perfect, things don’t go the way you hoped, or you find out your partner actually is an imperfect human, just like you, it’s disappointing. You may begin by expecting that your partner will always see your point of view, or that as long as you love each other, everything will be OK, but after a while, reality breaks through and you realize your expectations were unrealistic. If you feel you’re constantly disappointed and frequently angry, consider that it may be because your expectations don’t line up with reality.

No matter how little reality resembles your dreams, there’s no need to squabble about it. We all deal with many disappointments in daily life, at home and at work. In most cases, neither you nor your partner would argue with the boss, colleagues at work, or your child's teacher the way you argue with each other. In domestic situations, you can choose your behavior in the same way -- you don't have to argue with each other. Instead of bickering like children, use your grownup self-control to pull yourself out of the argument. If you're fighting over silly little things, remember you're having symbolic fights--it's not really about who didn't put the cap on the toothpaste, it's about disappointment, who is right, who has the most power, or who deserves to be loved.

Do’s and Don’ts for Handling Disappointment
OK, so you're disappointed. Your dream has ended in the trashbin. You may want to lay on the floor, kicking your heels and screaming; or go on a drunken binge, or beat someone up, but if you try it, you’ll find you're still disappointed, and all that acting out hasn't fixed anything. Disappointment is a dead-end in your road; so you need to figure out a new direction.

Here are some Do's and Don'ts to help you:

DO put it in perspective: If you're disappointed, it hurts, but your life is not over. Look to your future, and see what you can do to make it better.
DO understand that you had some control, but not total control over this: With an objective look at what went wrong, you can make plans to improve your team effort, your skills, your spirit and then look forward to the next event. Don't blame yourself for the things you couldn't control, but change the things you can.
DON'T give up: You’re not a failure unless you quit; so don't quit when you're behind. Instead, get determined to do better.
DO try to learn from the experience: Every disappointment is an opportunity to learn from whatever went wrong. Re-play your mental tapes of the event, and figure out how you can do better.
DON'T expect anyone to sympathize beyond the first few moments: Sympathy feels good for a short while, but it debilitates you in the long run. You'll feel better if you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the game.

Letting go of Resentment, Discontent and Frustration

Discontent and frustration are destructive, because they give rise to hopelessness and despair. If you can’t solve problems, communicate or get along with yourself or someone else, you’ll lose hope that you will ever be able to enjoy life. Resentment and frustration rob your days of the joyous and happy moments. When you’re frustrated and hopeless, you lack patience and the ability to think clearly and creatively. The good news is, you can learn patience and clear thinking.

Acquiring Patience

Learning to be patient and remain calm reduces and relieves stress and worry. Cultivating patience is really learning impulse control -- it's an issue in self-management. You can learn how to do "emotional maintenance" and shake off stress, keep on track of what you want to do, and let go of frustration when something is getting to you. Patience is learning how to wait and think before acting and made sure you understand the options and take control of your own ideas and decisions. It's a growth process, a transformation of self through awareness and learning.

To acquire patience, learn not to act on impulse, but change your thinking and attitude, and reach out for support and encouragement. To learn the necessary patience and determination that enhances your communication, these seven steps will help.

Seven Steps to Help You Learn Patience:

1: Wait: The old advice to “count to 10 before you respond” is a great way to learn patience. Give yourself a chance to give your best response.

2: Use Perspective--put your impulses or desires in perspective-- will it be important an hour from now--fifteen minutes from now? Most of them won't be.

3. Self-understanding: If you are tempted to act or speak on impulse, understand that the impulse is normal, but you don’t have to be run by it. Reactions and impulses are suspect--it's how thoughtfully we act on them that counts. If your impulsive thoughts or actions ruin moments, they’re not worth it.

4: Take a longer view: If you’re reacting because someone upset you (e.g.: your partner hurt your feelings) give a little prayer of thanks that it wasn't worse, say a blessing for your partner, friend or co-worker (who probably needs it) and you'll feel better. If you are tempted to act impulsively, pause a minute and consider your bigger goal--then decide if the momentary impulse is worth setting back your goal.

5. Give yourself a break: If you act on an impulse before thinking about it, acknowledge what you did, then forgive yourself and get back on track. If you find yourself acting impulsively a lot, then maybe your goal is too rigid, and you need to allow a little more room for yourself, or to renegotiate the contract with your spouse. Find an outlet for your impulses where they won’t do harm.

6. Refocus: Impulses are often a reaction to outside circumstances--for example, being annoyed because your partner isn’t available, when you could enjoy using the time you have to yourself. Make sure what you’re doing is what you really want to do.

7: Celebrate: Remember to celebrate your accomplishments and all the times you do what you intend to, keep your promises, and work things out. Frequent small celebrations are a way to reward yourself for patience, and to increase your motivation to be even more patient. Complement and encourgage yourself and others.

adapted from: It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: His priorities are with his family (brothers and sisters)

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been in a relationship for 4 1/2 years now. First 3 years  were great were got along very good and had no big issues. But as of  approximately  1 1/2 years ago to this day we have discussions at  least once a  week.

The Problem: Him not spending time with me we maybe spend 3 to 4 hours a  week together.

His priorities are with his family (brothers and sisters)  Particularly 1 his only sister she is very dependent on him to do  everything for her. She is married and spends more time with her brother  than with her husband. I feel jealous about this since I think that he  should be spending more time with me since supposedly he is in love with me and were are planning someday to get married and have a child. I feel that  she manipulates him we have discussed this and he got pretty upset about my  comment.  What do you think I should do about this problem. Is it my fault  or is it time to move on. Since this has been an ongoing problem and we  cannot resolve.

Dear Reader:

Your story makes me want to ask "What happened at 3 years?  Did you begin to ask for more at that time?"  If so, then your partner only wants as much relationship as you had then, and no more.  He probably feels that you are asking for more than he wants to give.  "Should" is not going to get you anywhere. You hit it on the head with "His priorities are with his family (brothers and sisters)."

You are probably right about his priorities, and it doesn't sound like he's open to change.  So, right or wrong, the one who has to change (if you want this relationship) is you. Is there a way you can share this time with him and his family, so you are not shut out?  After all, if you begin relating to him like his sisters, he will begin treating you like them.

Planning someday to get married and have a child is a trap.  There's no way to tell if "someday" will ever come, and a fantasy is only a fantasy, unless *both* of you want to make it real.  If he can be manipulated by his sister, he can also be manipulated by you.  Be smarter.  Think about what will work with him; not what he "should" do.  If you back off and see less of him, he will probably want you more: it usually works that way. "Getting to Yes"; "Asking for What you Want" and "Stop Reacting and Start Responding" will help you understand how to get a conversation started. How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will teach you both the skills you need to balance your relationship, and keep each other interested.  It sounds like you're going backwards right now.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Why Did you recommend not asking?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read Age Differences in Dating I did date for about 3 years a woman about 4 years older than me. I love her still and we separated because one thing I felt was that she never wanted to open up about herself. The following comment caught my attention: ( I underlined and bolded the parts I would like some more explanation from you about this recommendation, since I did talk about and asked about her life, as a way to develop a stronger bond and intimacy with her.)  "Make Conversation Interesting and Easy, With No Deep Secrets: You can talk about anything, including your personal lives, past relationships and love in general, but don’t be the one who brings up the intimate topics first. Be careful not to pry too deeply into your date’s private life and secrets, unless the information is voluntarily offered. You’ll learn a lot more about your date if you are genuinely interested in hearing what he or she has to say; than if you conduct an interrogation."

Any response would be greatly appreciated, since I do want to understand what I might have done wrong.

Dr. Romance responds:

After dating three years, it's not unreasonable for you to want a woman to open up to you.  I can't know for sure what was wrong, but perhaps she felt you would judge her, be too jealous, or not understand something in her past.   My recommendations were for people in new relationships. "Is Dating Scary? Here's What to Do" will help you understand what works in dating. "Getting to Yes" will help you get a good response without being intimidating.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together has guidelines which will help you talk about intimate topics successfully. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]