Dear Dr. Romance:
I have been married for about four years now and my husband and I got married at 18. We have 3 kids all under the age of four and it gets stressful sometimes for both of us. He is in the army, he's been a soldier for almost 3 years now he was deployed overseas last year and ever since he came back he came back a different person.
I sometimes don't know who he is anymore. I try to do everything that he asks for but yet nothing makes him happy. We don't argue a lot but when we do they are really bad arguments. To be honest the only reason why we don't argue as much is because I choose to ignore the things he does to me. My husband can hurt my feelings and not apologize unless I ask for an apology. He has never and I mean never in four years that we have been married ever made me feel better or ever done anything to make up for his mistake. I always let it go. Since he came back from the war zone he has sleeping problems like he kicks his leg every six or ten seconds I have stayed up countless nights taking notes and counting he wakes up just about every night like at 2 or 3 in the morning and he will eat but he can't control it.
He sleep walks and when i tell him babe go back to bed you're not hungry he gets upset and I can understand having a little snack but he eats 3 bowls of cereal a peanut butter and jelly sandwich cookies ding dongs then in the morning when he wakes up he feels unhappy with himself. He calls himself fat and ugly disgusting, but he's not fat he doesn't have a belly. He also tells me that he's getting old he's only 22. He asks what has his life come to, getting up in the morning and going to work every day the same over and over again. He hates what he does and he sometimes hates coming home. He wonders what is he doing with me, if he loves me still, if he even loved me to begin with, and it hurts me because I care about him. He tells me that he's not attracted to me in any way and it crushes me.
We stopped having sex now he only lasts 3 minutes and its only once a week if I'm lucky and he never gets in the mood any more and its never when I want to its always when he does. Most of the time I just lay there and it doesn't feel nice. I feel useless. When ever he is happy he tells me how much he loves me and how he can't live without me. He says when he's mad he talks a lot of BS that he doesn't mean. Its like a roller coaster one day he's fine and happy and another day he's miserable and unhappy and it drives me nuts.
Do I believe what he tells me when he's mad or when he's happy but regardless it hurts me and it puts me down, When we argue he can't stick to the subject instead of admitting his fault he will try to justify it by bringing something form the past or saying something that would hurt me instead of "OK I understand what I did I'm sorry it wont happen again"
I wont see him for a week now because he's out in the field doing training but he left mad not wanting to talk to me the last words he said to me were "I want a divorce I hate you I don't love you anymore."
Please I need some type of advice and reassurance to keep me here. From your experience does it sound like he loves me? I'm only 21. I have 3 kids but I'm still young I don't want to get used to a routine that makes me so unhappy. I have accepted that I have responsibilities and that life can't be all games and fun. I'm willing to give up a couple years until my kids are old enough. I'm willing to sacrifice myself for my kids and my husband. I think I'm a very good mom and good wife I cook and clean, my house is hardly ever a mess. I believe that children aren't an excuse to have your house dirty or to forget about your self. Please just help
me out here please.
Dear Reader:
This is a familiar problem. Your husband is showing signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is quite common in veterans of combat. It's dangerous for him, for you and for your children. You need to contact a counselor who is expert in this issue. Is there a Veteran's hospital nearby? Are you on or near a base? Seek counseling there. At https://www.veteranscrisisline.net you'll find a hotline where you can be connected to resources.
Please call and get yourself and your husband the help you both need.
This will only get worse until you do. The Real 13th Step will help you understand PTSD and give you tools to help.
For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]
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