Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dr. Romance on Letting Go of a Dysfunctional Relationship

Dr. Romance is aware that all relationships are not successful.

Whether it is a romance, a friendship or a family relationship, there are times that the relationship is too toxic to keep.  

Once you're bonded with someone, it's very painful to let go. Since most of us like to avoid unpleasantness, we don't want to do the grieving that's necessary to let go. When you' have to let go, there are a certain number of tears you must cry to process the loss: getting on with the crying is the fastest way. Even if the dissolution of a relationship was your idea, you may be clinging to a dream; in denial. A bad relationship can become like an addiction: a difficult habit to break, because you are emotionally attached, and the attached part of you wants to keep trying, while the rational part knows you need to let go.

We also have a lot of cultural mythology about loyalty, and that clinging and martyring to a toxic loved one means you are truly loving. Clinging to a toxic connection is painful.  A relationship is a partnership, and requires goodwill and cooperation from both people in order to succeed.

If you find you have real reason to doubt someone you care about, and there are real problems, such as lying, betrayal, combativeness, dishonesty, bad behavior due to alcohol abuse, violence,  illegal activities or drug use, do not make excuses, and do not accept promises of change.  

It's important to be aware of the signs of emotional blackmail:

1. Demands. Your loved one won’t take “no” for an answer, and requests are really demands.
2. Obstinance. When every discussion turns into an argument.
3. Pressure. Your loved one pressures you to go along or do what he or she wants.
4. Threats. Your loved one uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to leave. Once your loved one knows you can be pressured into giving in, it will increase the intensity of the pressure.
6. Repetition. An obsessive person will go through these previous five steps over and over, wearing you down each time. The easiest thing is to be sure when you say “no”, it means no.  Don't allow anyone to keep after you once you've said no.

People with these problems are damaged, it is difficult for them to change, and will take a lot of time. Mere promises, no matter how well intended, are not sufficient. It is very important to protect yourself from someone who keeps disrespecting, abusing, or taking advantage of you.   If your loved one decides to get help, that's great and should be supported and encouraged -- but not believed until you see consistent results.

The best way to handle these difficult people is by giving them what I call an "adult time out:" Retreat into cool politeness; stop sharing intimate information, stop spending time with the person, and keep your distance. You'll find that it's very effective in curbing the person's bad behavior around you.  

You can be honest about what doesn't work for you, but don't try to talk the person into changing behavior. That will only lead to a struggle, with the problem person defending him or her self.  Any change has to come from the person, and withdrawing is the most powerful catalyst, especially if you can do it calmly.  

Other articles on related subjects:

Mirrors and Teachers 
How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship 
Setting Boundaries and Saying No
Romance is Not Necessarily Love  
How to Avoid Loving a Jerk 
Avoiding The Drama Triangle 

from it Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I get into the same relationship pattern over and over

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have found your book, It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction very helpful, and I want to continue working.    You wouldn't happen to know a counselor, or be able to recommend anyone in my area would you?  I am sure you get asked all kinds of questions, and, well, this is odd I guess.  Anyhow, I would appreciate it if you could get back to me, and seeing as how the chances that you do know anyone here are slim, maybe you could suggest what type of counselor I might need to be looking for.

I don't have any mental health issues that I am aware of, just seem to get into the same kind of relationship pattern over and over, and know that I need to change my course of action, and would like some guidance.

Thank you very much in advance for your time,

Dear Reader: 

Your question is not unusual, I get asked it all the time. I'm glad you are finding the book helpful.   To overcome the habits that lead to repeating relationship mistakes, see my articles "Patterns of Change"  and "You Be The Judge"  Check out my article "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" to find therapy in your area. 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Is there any hope?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm in love with woman going through divorce AND my ex-wife needs me due to bad car accident.......  is there any hope??

Dear Reader:
Your ex-wife, if you are divorced, should have no bearing on whether there's hope or not.  If your sister needed you, would that be a problem in your relationship?  Unless you have a sexual/romantic relationship with your ex, (which you shouldn't if you're dating someone else) she's just a friend who needs your help. 
 
As to the woman going through the divorce: this is not a good time for her to form a new relationship, so wait for at least six months to a year, and then you'll see if she's really ended her marriage and is free and clear for a new relationship.  Read my article, "Stupid Cupid" to avoid another ruined marriage.  "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" and "Keys to a Happy Relationship" will help you understand the skills you need to acquire to create successful relationships that last.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand why you get in and out of dysfunctional relationships, and how to fix that.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Is it my fault that she won't have family?

Dear Dr. Romance,

I read your article on Age Differences in Dating. I am dating a woman that is 13 years older than I am, I love her, but I am about to quit this relationship. And I want to tell you why? Perhaps you will tell me your opinion. This is has been the hardest choice of my life. I do not feel I am doing the 100% right thing, I do not feel any woman will love me and treat me the way she has. I do not feel I will be feeling for anybody like that. But still I am going to do it for two reasons 1) Rules of Life that have formed my personality (family traditions, my priest, my favorite books, my community, my role models my personal search and experience) and define my personal mission and "they way things should be are in conflict with my Situation of Love or "the way things are"; 2) It is the rules of nature that will not allow us to be happy. Or so I think.

 I will start from point 2). She is definitely in a different biological rhythm than I am. She is 38 and she wants the baby…but firstly I feel that she is in search of choosing a man that will bring her the baby and stay around to be the daddy to the baby, and even though she knows that that man might not stay around for long, she also knows that she will do everything to keep her man, and she will do everything for the baby (I am 1000% sure she will) and she feels confident. But from our discussions I also know that deep in mind she thinks "if my man will not stay with me forever, I will still have the baby as the result and fruit of my love".  I am 25. You might think that when I will be 37, she will be 50, and when I am 47 she will be 60. I think biology and nature does its things and I don't like the "end that I have in mind" and I even more do not like to "live for the moment and do not worry about the future (this is what she tells me)". Hell, I am worried about OUR future. I want to envision my future the way I want it to happen and want to live up to it. And this relationship will not let me. I am not in the position to be a vehicle of producing a child. I do  not know what kind of person should my child be, by which values and principles I should raise him, I am in a search to find myself. If she was in the same situation, we might have gotten married and live together and do this together. But no, she is confident how things should be, she knows exactly and she knows I am the one. I think she would be a great mother, amazing probably. But our biological cycles are not same, we are on different planets in that sense. I probably sound like a pimp, and I feel I should have been more responsible when I told her I loved her. Maybe I should have quit on her just before I felt I was falling for her? Please let me know what you think.

 First point is harder (or maybe not). I am a person who values interdependence, because I think it produces strength and power (which give me possibility to do what I think is right, from that I derive my personal freedom in this life). To whom does my interdependence refer to ? God, my country, my family (or at least it was like this before I met this woman). I see the world and interpret the world through the glasses of my family, my ancestors. My family is the source of my personal wisdom that has given out from a generation to generation for many centuries. My family is a traditional Georgian family. And my partner is Russian, and she is from typical Russian family. Our backgrounds are vastly different (most Americans think of Georgia as part of Russia, but this two understandings are very different, probably Georgians are less like Russians than any other ethnic group or nation on earth). It is not that one is better and other is worse, they are just so different. Also there are non ethnic issues. More like individual issues about members of our families. If she tells her father that she wants to marry a Georgian man, that is 13 year younger that she, her father will say "my dear as long as you are happy, I am happy, I wish all the best to you two". If I tell my father I want to marry a woman that is Russian and that she is 13 year older than me, my father will say "think twice, you are not alone, what choice you make will effect your family, your younger brothers, think of not only yourself, I know how you feel, I had to refuse that choice many years ago, your uncles had to refuse it, now it is your time, she will never understand why, but that is life, if you do it, soon you will be divided with her spiritually because she is from another culture, and biologically because she is 13 years older then you". My father and my uncles are definitely my role models, I want to be like them. But I also love her very much. So this is what I mean by saying that My Laws of Life are against My Love.

 I do not know what was the point of my writing to you. Do I need help and advice? Yes. Especially  now when I have made up my mind (Or I should say I have not made up my mind, but I am doing this blind and with my eyes closed, but I am doing this, just doing this) Please do not write me about finding a compromise and taking tp her and talking to my family and all that. I have gone through thinking over all of that for last two months. The outstanding issues are fundamental and diplomacy here will not work. You are a woman. Perhaps you can help me to explain things to her so that pain she will experience will be as less as possible. Because what is killing me, is that knowing she will spend months depressed, and bad sleep and desperate and like my father said: No matter what, she will never understand why. And she will hate me. And she will be sorry she started this relationship with me.

 On the other hand I am so happy that I met her. And in this part of my life I will always love her and only her. But this part of my life lasted for one year and 8 months. Is it my fault that she might not have a family and child? I do not know. Probably yes, at least partly.  

Dear Reader:

I can see that you've made up your mind, but you don't want to be a bad person in your girlfriend's eyes.  I don't think you can control what she thinks of you or how she feels.  She may need to hate you in order to have the energy she needs to survive this blow. If you are certain this is what you want to do, then do it honestly and openly. Tell her you can't be with her, and then cut off communication, so she can mourn and get on with her life.  If you drag it out, you'll just waste her time and hurt her more.  Read my article "Letting Go Takes Love" for more about this. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free can help you understand what you want out of relationships in general.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Love Styles

Dr. Romance writes:

There was a time when life seemed very hard, so hard I tried not to think about it.. Several times I helped to destroy some very viable relationships. Changing myself, my life and my loves has been very exciting and fulfilling, yet I am still growing. Love Styles is intended to help you reach your desired destination on your own journey and make your hard places a little easier.

There’s a pervasive myth in our society that there is a right and a wrong way to love. However, there’s not much clarity about what is the right way. We all have difficulty with relationships, difficulty with love; therefore, we’re liable to draw the uncomfortable conclusion: “Everyone knows how to love correctly except me.” At times, when frustrated by a lover, you may indeed believe that everyone knows how to love except your partner

This attitude leads to blaming, defensiveness, accusing and a general shutdown of any loving feelings. You may feel helpless, betrayed, incompetent, angry and lost. If you become defensive and withdraw from your beloved, things get worse.

There are as many ways of loving as there are people—and none of them is wrong. Some ways of loving do work better than others, but there are an infinite number of ways that work extremely well. This is good news, for it ends forever the fear that love can become boring, or that you can become bored with it. When looked at from this perspective, the object of relationships becomes to discover each other’s way of loving (love style), to learn the style of loving your partner uses and to teach him or her the joys of your own style. In this way, each relationship adds to your options for love. Each couple synthesizes a new love style out of the two they bring together; which is uniquely theirs and which can be restructured as their lifestyles change and grow.

LOVE

I can't really define what love is for you, because each of you has your own unique experience with love. But I can separate it from several things it is not, and list some very general attributes of it.

We experience love on many ways: romantic, practical, spiritual, familial, unconditional, passionate, selfish, and so on. In this book, I’m talking about love at the practical level, as in our day-to-day relationships.

As we experience it in primary relationships, love is one person's positive experience of another.
Love tends to bring separate people together.
A Love is sharing and caring.
A Love unites us.
A Love is your willingness to share yourself.

Love is a state of being, a feeling, not an action. It is warmth, connectedness, and a desire to be closer. It’s my concern for your well-being as well as my own. Love is someone's recognition in the other of the things he or she likes most about self. Love is not critical or separating; it is accepting and supportive.

We hear much, especially in popular songs, movies, etc., about how painful love is. I disagree. Love doesn’t hurt; whatever hurts in a relationship is not love. Love isn’t limiting, it’s freeing.
Love is how you feel; not what you do. The expression of love is one degree removed from the feeling itself. How you behave is not necessarily an accurate barometer of how you love—that depends on your understanding of love and your ability to express yourself effectively.
Love is a feeling; the expression of love is an art. As with any art, there can be a wide gap between what is expressed and what is felt. The difference between expression and feeling has several contributing factors: self-awareness, honesty, safety, intent and fantasy. As with art, practice and knowledge of technique are helpful.

COMMUNICATION AND MISCOMMUNICATION
Whether you love or not is subject only to your own opinion, no one else’s. The proper answer to the age-old demand, “If you love me, you’ll_____” is: “Wrong. I do love you, but I’m not going to do that,” or, “I’ll do that, but it’s not a test of my love.”

Frequently in counseling I’ve seen people let themselves be talked right out of loving each other, like this: When person A says, “If you loved me, you’d…” most often he or she is feeling insecure and asking for reassurance, but asking ineffectively, because it sounds like a demand. When B is also insecure, and if he or she is unwilling to do whatever is being demanded, B then tends to doubt his or her own loving: “Gee, maybe I don’t love you enough. I’m not willing to do that.” When A gets this doubtful response on top of his or her initially insecure feelings, A panics: “Oh no B doesn’t really love me ” At this point, both A and B are convinced that it’s not working, and everything can go downhill from there, because of simple misunderstanding.

While love is not a behavior but a feeling, accurate and effective communication of feelings is important. It can be very frustrating to love and be unable to communicate that love. We all know the experience of loving someone very much and having them perceive our love as something else. Marsha: “I loved him so much; I never wanted to be away from him for a minute.” Bill: “She smothered me She had no regard for my feelings I hated it ” Behavior contributes to accurate expression and is therefore important. It does you no good to love if your behavior is consistently interpreted as unloving.

As in any art, it’s necessary to know what you want to express in order to express it effectively. Your personal way of expressing and receiving love is your love style.
© 2021 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: It is sad that I cannot stop loving him

Dear Dr. Romance:

I told my husband that if he cannot be with me as his wife and does not give me the place that a wife should have that I wanted to go on with my life and file the papers.

He stopped seeing the other woman for a weekend.  Then, on the Thursday that followed, he called me during lunch (in front of her ) to tell me that his heart was someplace else and that we should file the papers.

I told him that after more than twenty years he had to call me on the phone to tell me that?  Couldn't he tell me in person?

The next day I asked him to sign the house over to me and he signed a quit claim deed. That happened two months ago, and he still has not moved out.  I have been sending resumes and applying for a better job for a long time and no positive response.  He makes twice what I make and the house budget is very tight as it is.

I don't know if there is anything I can do to save my marriage,  I still would like to hug him when he comes home but I refrain myself from showing any emotions. He is very much involved with this person, and I believe the only person he truly loves is himself.  He acts worse than my teenage son.

It is sad that I cannot stop loving him.  I am like frozen still, like if it is not true what is happening.

What can you suggest I do?

Dear Reader:

You're right to leave this guy.  He obviously can't control himself, and he needs to grow up.  If you only have one teenage son, he should be old enough to understand.  Hopefully, he'll learn from his father's bad behavior and mistakes. 
 
Please register the quit claim deed right away.  I hope you had it notarized, because your husband's signature is worthless, unless it's notarized and the deed is registered.  Once you have the deed in your name, you can sell the house, and move to something more affordable.  Hopefully, you'll have some equity you can use to bolster your financial situation. 
 
I recommend that you go to Codependents Anonymous as soon as possible.   You should also get therapy.  I know he's the one with the problem, but his problem has created big problems for you, and you'll need help handling them. Asking for What you Want will help you learn how to make him hear you.  There's low-cost therapy available through Family Services in your community.  Use my Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely  to find affordable therapy.    The Ten Smartest Decisions A Woman Can Make After Forty will help you understand what you want, make good decisions, and change your life for the better.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: he is still stuck in his bad habits

Dear Dr. Romance:

I recently read most of your book, It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 


and loved it. I work at a center where in talking to our clients, we have found repeated patterns of  dysfunction (generational),  over and over and over again, so your book would help us out. I  can have clients  read parts of it as homework.

I personally believe that so many of our clients need professional counseling to help them sort through their problems, but as you have mentioned in your book, they aren't easily going to do something if it's not something they grew up with, and vice versa.

Anyway, I myself have seen it in my own relationship with my boyfriend.  I was raised in a small, quiet, calm conservative family.  He was raised in a larger, louder family with an alcoholic dad.  Yikes!  It's been trouble.  That is why I bought your book.  I don't know how, but by luck I bumped into it.  And it turns out that most of the things he defends are because he doesn't know anything different than what he grew up with.

We are both Latino, yet he says I was raised "white" (a little silly perception of his), just  because- my family doesn't yell, my family actually discusses issues, my father sent us to private school, we've gone to family counseling together and my father doesn't drink, unlike his dad who drinks beer as if it were water.  Those are just a few examples.

Anyway, it's been a struggle helping him understand that some things aren't right because they are destructive, especially things like drinking, which he continues to say, "there is nothing wrong with drinking beer, my whole family does".  And, I'm thinking, HELLO!! Exactly!!! There's a problem, and unfortunately the whole family has it. (I've had to point it out to him, so now he is working on it.)  It was like a lightbulb lit up after he read parts of your book. 

So, I thank you for such a good book (easy read and not overwhelming for our clients - who are actually pretty simple people just trying to survive.)

Also, unfortunately, even though my boyfriend has had his Aha!  moments  when something like this has been revealed to him (about  generational dysfunction), he is still stuck in his bad habits, and apparently wants to keep  them. Just today he again said...I'm gonna keep drinking and smoking even though they cause my health harm because that is what I grew up with. Terrible, terrible. Ho hum!  Oh well. At least your book has allowed me to see things  differently and the next time I am looking for a boyfriend, I can screen a little better. I want to be able to screen for some of those very deep rooted  issues.

Dear Reader:
Thank you for writing.  I'm so glad you found It Ends With You helpful.  I'm so glad to hear it helped you get through to your boyfriend  about family dysfunction.  Both of you might enjoy reading my new book, Money, Sex and Kids:  Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Edition 

which also talks about how dysfunctional relationship patterns are handed  down in families.  "How Not to Fight" explains myths about fighting.

Your boyfriend's response is an  indication that he doesn't care enough about you to change his bad habits; or that he feels so badly  about himself that he doesn't think he's capable.  It could also be posturing; protecting his  'macho' self-image.  If it is posturing, he'll start to change, but won't want to be told that's  what he's doing.  If you're still wanting to be with him, I suggest you just ask him to change  specific things:  "Please don't speak to me in that tone of voice" and not respond at all to his bad behavior: if it doesn't work, he will do what does work.  This takes a lot of thought and effort on your part, but it can be very worth it.

"How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship" will help you learn to recognize core behaviors.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: He´s a Jehovah Witness and am a Pentecostal

Dear Dr. Romance:

I just saw write up on the issue of age differences in relationships   This have been a great issue for me, I make friends easily with people and at the end of the day they want a relationship and all to find that am older than them. Its been happening to me for sometime now and I have said no to about three guys because of the age issue. They don't mind about the age they just like my personality and I don't know what to do.

The first guy I wanted to date but I was three years older and I couldn't handle that. The second guy, i was two years older and now I am so much in love with a guy who is eight years younger than me.   I don't know what to do, at times I feel I could go out with someone younger, but I fear what my family will think of the issue and I know they might not accept it.

Presently, I am in love with someone eight years younger.  We both love and respect each other greatly and solve problems maturely. He doesn't have a problem with that but the major issue at hand now is the religion.  We are both Christians but from different religions. He´s a Jehovah Witness and am a Pentecostal, they don't believe in celebrating Christmas, Birthdays etc. like we do.  We both know we have differences, but we can't let go of each other that easy. He loves me so much and says he doesn't know what he will do seeing me in another man's arms.

I love him too but am scared of my family's reaction.  His has a friend who has been pressuring him to end the relationship, and they even got a fight. It's not been easy. I love him, but what should I do?

Dear Reader:

I don't think the age difference is your real problem.  I doubt if an eight-year difference would really upset anyone, even if you are a little older.  The real problem, I think, is the difference in religion.  It's a big problem, and it's not easy to talk about, but it must be resolved if your relationship is to succeed.  Can you and your boyfriend figure out how your life would work if you were married?  What would you do about religion, family and friends?  However much you love each other, if you can't work these issues out, love may not be enough to sustain the relationship.  Try reading my article "Stupid Cupid" for better understanding of how to work this out. Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will help you talk about your differences and how to work together to resolve them.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on How to Help a Friend Who is Depressed

It's not easy to know what to do when you have a friend who seems depressed.  Dr. Romance has some guidelines to help you support and care for your dear one.

1. Don't try to cheer your friend up. It just sounds like you don't understand.

2. Listen, listen, listen: Your friend needs someone who can hear whatever the problem is. It doesn't matter if it seems like a small or big problem to you, it's overwhelming to your friend, and he or she needs to talk about it. A lot.

3. Be sympathetic: "I'm sorry that happened to you." "You don't deserve that." "That sucks." are all good responses that will tell your friend you understand. Listening may take a long time, or go on for several sessions. Your friend has probably not felt safe to talk about it before this, so it's bottled up.

4. Be helpful: After your friend talks it out enough, he or she will naturally begin to analyze his or her feelings, what is going on, etc. rather than just complaining. If you're listening, you'll notice when this change happens. Then, you can make some suggestions: that your friend talk to a particular adult who understands, you can offer to help with homework, etc. . If your friend is upset or angry with his or her own parents, don't suggest talking to them-- let a responsible, caring adult assess the situation first.

5. If your friend won't talk, or talks about suicide or hurting someone else, then it's time for action. If you're in school, tell your school counselor, or a trusted teacher or parent that your friend is in danger. If you and your friend are adults, tell another friend or family member.  Don't worry if your friend said not to tell: that's just the time when telling may save a life.

Excerpted From It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]