As a Psychologist, Dr. Romance knows that when we're surrounded by images of violence, it becomes "normalized" and we stop seeing it as unusual.
Anyone who watches the news is becoming aware that we live in a violent society: According to CNN: "33% increase in homicides" in 2020
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV):
• In the United States, more than 10 million adults experience domestic violence annually.
• If each of these adults experienced only once incidence of violence, an adult in the US would experience violence every three seconds. However, because domestic violence is a pattern, many experience repeated acts of abuse annually, so an incident of abuse happens far more frequently than every three seconds.
• in 4 women and 1 in 10 men experience sexual violence, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime with ‘IPV-related impact’ such as being concerned for their safety, PTSD symptoms, injury, or needing victim services
o Approximately 1 in 5 female victims and 1 in 20 male victims need medical care.
o Female victims sustain injuries 3x more often than male victims.
o 1 in 5 female victims and 1 in 9 male victims need legal services.
o 23.2% of women and 13.9% of men have experienced severe physical violence by an
intimate partner during their lifetime.
• From 2016 through 2018 the number of intimate partner violence victimizations in the United States increased 42%.
• On a typical day, domestic violence hotlines nationwide receive over 19,000 calls.
• An abuser’s access to a firearm increases the risk of intimate partner femicide by 400%.
• In 2018, partner violence accounted for 20% of all violent crime.
• Intimate partner violence is most common against women between the ages of 18-24.
• 19% of intimate partner violence involves a weapon.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the financial impact of domestic violence ranges from individual to societal. In fact, they say the lifetime economic cost associated with medical services, lost productivity from paid work, criminal justice, and other costs, was $3.6 trillion.
Hotlines
National Domestic Violence Hotlineexternal icon
- Call 1-800-799-7233 and TTY 1-800-787-3224.
Love Is Respect National Teen Dating Abuse Helplineexternal icon
- Call 1-866-331-9474 or TTY 1-866-331-8453.
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network’s (RAINN) National Sexual Assault Hotlineexternal icon
- Call 800-656-HOPE (4673) to connect with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.
- Visit rainn.orgexternal icon to chat one-on-one with a trained RAINN support specialist, any time 24/7.
Resource Centers
National Resource Center on Domestic Violence (NRCDV)external icon is a comprehensive source of information for on domestic violence.
The National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC)external icon provides information, resources, and research on all aspects of sexual violence prevention and intervention.
PreventConnectexternal icon is a national project of the California Coalition Against Sexual Assaultexternal icon. PreventConnect’s goal is to prevent sexual assault and relationship violence by building a community of practice to develop, implement, and evaluate prevention initiatives.
Domestic violence is extremely serious; even verbal violence is serious. It is damaging to adults and also to the children who witness it. However, it doesn't have to be a deal breaker, if the person with the anger and violence issues gets help. When my clients experience violence, I strongly recommend that they get out of the presence of the violent person, right away and at least for the time being. Often, the threat of losing family is the only thing that will break through the narcissism of the violent person. Once that person gets help, acknowledges that he or she is out of control, and learns to control his or her temper and tantrums, then it is possible that the marriage can be saved. Learning self-control is not easy for people who are violent. They often have an exaggerated sense that their anger is not a problem: the other person is the problem. They also are usually psychically wounded from childhood, and this requires some work to resolve.
This is compounded by the victimized spouses or partners, who make excuses for the violence, take the blame, and are afraid to leave.
Domestic Violence -- Top 5 reasons to stay:
1. Your spouse truly recognizes he or she has a problem, and is willing to get help to fix it, and to be accountable for rebuilding trust.
2. You two are going to counseling, and understanding why the violence happened, and how to fix the problems.
3. You're learning how to problem-solve and cooperate as a couple, without fighting or violence.
4. You have a long, shared history, joint finances and children for whom it's worth keeping the marriage together (see #1)
5. You still love each other, and it's clearly mutual.
Top 5 reasons to go:
1. Your spouse is in denial, makes excuses, blames you.
2. You have had it, and no longer feel connected. Be sure this isn't just temporary anger.
3. You are prepared to be on your own.
4. You either have no children, they're grown, or you're certain a divorce will be better for them than what's going on.
5. Your spouse refuses to get help or admit he or she is out of control.
"Family Violence Q & A" can help if there's violence in your family. "Friends in Need: Interventions for Domestic Violence" will show you how to help effectively.
Adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship
For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com