Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: Help me deal with this person without going insane

Dear Dr. Romance,

I'm a victim of emotional & mental abuse by my hopefully soon-to-be-ex husband. The sad truth is that this person doesn't or refusing to recognize what he's doing and I'm very worry for my 8 years old son who I'm sharing 50% custody with the father. I have recently found an article "Narcissistic Personality Disorder"  which described my situation 150% and found a little comfort in the article. Have you had experience with this disorder? Do you have any suggestions to help my son deal with his father's disorder until my son is older enough to understand/protect himself? Do you have any suggestions to help me deal with this person without going insane? Thank you so very much for your time and assistance.

Dear Reader:

Remember when your son was two years old? Narcissistic Personality Disorder is essentially a person who never grew emotionally beyond age two. There are many possible reasons for this, but the most prevalent is having parents who never demanded that their child learn to control his temper and emotions. This is what's going on with your soon-to-be-ex. 

Essentially, you have to treat your ex as a grown-up version of a two-year-old. Give him specific choices, and re-direct him from his focus with them. For example; Don't say "Don't be late to pick up our son" Instead, say "Are you going to pick up our son from school, or from here?"

Remember that narcissists are run by seeking narcissistic supply. They always want validation that they're important, that they are in charge, that you will give them what they want. Therefore, to keep them on their best behavior, withhold emotionally. A narcissist will not always behave well, no matter what you do, but he'll behave better more of the time if you are cool and distant.

He will also behave better if there are witnesses, so try to have a friend or relative around when you have to be in his presence. Don't let him think he's in charge, and don't try to placate him. When he misbehaves or loses his temper, get away from him, even if that means you have to leave your own house. In fact, it's better not to allow him in your house, for that reason.

As far as your son goes, it's vitally important that you not make excuses for his father. Your son will have to learn, sooner or later, that his father is incapable of truly loving him: -- in fact, narcissists often abandon their children, emotionally or physically. So let him find out directly from his dad. Then, when he no longer wants to be around his dad, you can help him avoid contact. If your ex is supposed to see his son, and calls you to tell you he's not coming, give the phone to your son, and let him tell your son directly. Keep a diary of your ex's behavior -- when he misses his visitation dates, etc. If he leaves ranting or threatening phone messages, record them, including the date and time. The diary and the messages will be useful in court for gaining full custody eventually.

To keep yourself sane, you must drop expectations of reasonable or rational behavior from this man. He's neither. Have a backup plan for any time he's supposed to see your son, because he will become more and more irresponsible about it. For example, if he's to pick your son up at school, have a way for your son to contact you if his dad doesn't show.

If you don't oppose him or get upset about whatever happens with your son, he will eventually stop seeing your son most of the time. If you allow him to see that he can upset you by how he treats your son, then your son will become a tool he can use. You want to avoid that. 

"Less Talk, More Action"  "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship" "Coping with Critics" will give you the information you seek for dealing with your ex.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand how Narcissism develops and how to handle it.

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I have always been a good mom

Dear Dr. Romance

I am writing to you for your professional opinion regarding my teenage son.  His behavior overall is good but when he gets angry he throws things swears a lot and just a few minutes ago destroyed my vacuum cleaner in one blow to the floor.

I am a single parent about 9 months out of the year and my son is for the most part a big help to me. I have one daughter also who is two years younger.

How can I help him see what he is doing and control his urge to break or throw something when he is upset. He does not do this every time, but it is very upsetting to me and his younger sister when it happens.

I am afraid to tell his father because he is so loud and I don't know for certain that he could contain himself once he started to discipline our son.

We live in a small town and our son is an athlete at one of the two high schools. I do not want to hurt his future with everyone knowing this problem, but at the same time I want to help him.

I feel alone in this problem as my parents are in the same town but are 80 years old. I don't want them to know the every little thing that goes wrong. My father has been a very big part of my sons life and filled in the fatherly gaps while my husband is away.

What can I do? Am I standing in the way? I have always been a good mom. I have disciplined with compassion, always been there to listen or lend a hand with homework, taken him to practice and games and most importantly made him feel loved. Please Help.. Thank you..

Dear Reader:

It's so difficult to be both mother and father to your son, I know. I'm guessing, from what you said about his father being loud, that your son thinks it's "manly" to throw temper tantrums, which actually is childish, not manly. It's really important to nip this in the bud, before he learns from interacting with you that it's OK to be violent and angry with women. Although your son seems to be grown-up in other ways, emotionally he has some maturing to do. It's really imperative to get the help of someone, his coach, perhaps, or a teacher, a pastor, a school counselor or other role model who can teach him how to control his temper. If he doesn't learn to do that, he'll have trouble all thorough his life because of it.

You have to tell some people who can help, even if it is embarrassing. You and your son need an objective, knowledgeable party who has the authority to convince your son he needs to change; and not just for you, but for his own good. You can read some of the articles on my website, like "Mirrors and Teachers"  and "Emotional Abuse: What it is and What to do"; "Avoiding The Drama Triangle";" How to Change Someone" Which will give you some tools to use. It would be a good idea to get counseling with your husband, if possible, or on your own.   It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction could be helpful to all of you to change your toxic family dynamic.

But please don't try to do this all by yourself. If your son won't go for counseling, go by yourself to get some tools you can use. The best of luck to you and your family.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Something Might Just Happen!

Dear Dr. Romance:

I think I may be having some difficulty within my marriage! :(  I don't really know if you can even help me! Maybe even give me some recommendations! I've been married for over 25 yrs. and we are in our 50s. Ever since we had a child 13 yrs ago there has been no more "romancing" in this marriage.  I miss it so much and he's not even into it no more :( He has Diabetes Type 2 and I'm just really depressed about things, plus we have money situations. I feel sooooo sickly ! :( I'm on this dang computer conjuring up guys so I can talk to them and now even thinking about having relations w/ one. I'm really thinking about it, but I'm scared and I'm also a Christian and I don't want to jeopardize my marriage or my son's feelings but I'm at the point where I want to "explode" and have an affair!!!! I feel so lonely and I'm married for gosh sakes and to me that is not normal!!! :(

My son is "Autistic" and I don't want to hurt him in any way but if the right guy came along and really talked me into being w/him it wouldn't take much for the way I feel. Something might just happen!!! Can you please save me, or who else should I take this sad heartfelt marriage dilemma on the rocks to?

Dear Reader:

Be very careful; you are talking yourself into having an affair, making up excuses already, and that's dangerous. Nothing will 'just happen.' It will happen only if you agree to participate, and that's not a good idea. Instead, get yourself some counseling, either from a therapist, from family services, or from a pastor, to fix the problems of your marriage. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find the right counselor. Encourage your husband to talk with his doctor (go with him, and explain the problem) to get help for his sexual function.  

Type II diabetes can definitely affect a man's sexual function and desire, but there are so many things you can do to get sexual release and satisfaction even with the diabetes problems. Please get some help, you're under a lot of stress. Don't make things more stressful and create a tragedy by having an affair. Money Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship will help you communicate more successfully about sex and marital problems with your husband.

  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on shared laughter

Dr. Romance writes: A lighthearted approach to serious matters often is the most productive one. Imagine what your days would be like if you focused on having fun and making yourself and your partner laugh. Fun is also good for your health: Telling your partner the cute thing your kid said (or your pet did) or talking about the funny scene in the latest hit movie will lower your blood pressure, calm your pulse and generally help you release a lot of stress. Laughing with your partner is good for your heart, gives you a little bit of aerobic exercise, and reminds both of you about how good you are for each other. Shared laughter also synchs up your emotional rhythms, which makes it easier for you and your partner to feel connected and intimate with each other.

Loving, shared laughter also enhances self- acceptance. The paradox seems to be that having permission for child-like play also gives permission to be responsible and self-accepting. When you don't make nasty jokes or cruel remarks about each other and your love, and make silly ones instead, you can laugh with each other, and feel good about it. It's also difficult to store up resentments against the person in your life who makes it easiest for you to laugh.

Try it and soon you’ll find yourself looking for ways to make each other laugh. Try pushing your partner’s “laugh buttons” and tickling his or her funny bone and you’ll see how much fun it is.

Instead of treasuring old grudges, and hurts, learn to treasure old jokes and funny lines. Shared laughter can evoke an overwhelming feeling of warmth and caring for each other. The endorphins released by mutual humor flows over both of you, and create joy. Humor is the secret in both keeping your love fresh and alive, and in feeling confident that you will not lose your specialness to each other.

The less you struggle, the more you’ll laugh and play. Struggle can become addictive and be used in relationships to structure time; but when you replace the drama of struggle with the delight of humor you can create positive addiction; and a powerful solution for what to do with your time together.

There is a blessing in the joy of shared laughter. Try it: get cartoons or jokes that pop up on your computer every day, share a joke you got via e-mail or talking about the funny scene in the latest hit movie. Laughter will lower your blood pressure, calm your pulse and generally help you and your partner to release a lot of stress.

The benefits of laughter are numerous and the existence of frequent, warm laughter in your relationship indicates that all is going well, and gives you both confidence that problems can be overcome.

If something frustrating is happening, try easing the tension with a bit of humor to change stress to silliness. Don’t poke fun at your mate, but use shared humor as a way to say “I know this is tough, but we’ll get through it.” Your mate will think of you as someone soothing and helpful to have around when problems happen. Won't it be great to represent fun and happiness to each other?

Adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Is Facebook romance hopeless?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am in an unusual situation.  I was speaking to a random person on Facebook one time.  We became Facebook “friends”, and we kept chatting back and forth on e-mail.  This girl was already dating someone (not very happy though), but I guess she kind of started to feel uneasy about writing back and forth with me anymore.  That’s fine, I understand that. 

Anyway if you know about Facebook, they usually have a list of your best friends off to one side.  One of that girl’s friends is pretty attractive and I started to talking to her.  She’s single.  We also became “friends”, and we’ve been writing back and forth for a little while.  Kind of small talk regarding things like:  what sports we like, things we’re doing on the weekend, things about our family, etc.  Anyway, I really like her a lot.  She’s the kind of person I could definitely see having for a nice long-lasting relationship.  Obviously, I’d like to meet her.  One big problem.  We live about a 3 hour drive from each other.  Neither she or I have mentioned meeting.  I’ve just been thinking about it.  I have a feeling if I bring that up, she might freak or something (or maybe she won’t; each woman is different).

We’re both single, never married, fairly young, and with no kids.  So besides work, no other serious responsibilities.  What might you suggest as a way to pursue reaching her.  Or is it just hopeless idea? Thanks for any help!

 Dear Reader:

More hopeless ideas than this one have actually worked.  But, you have to go about it properly.  I'd put out a feeler, something like "I wish we didn't live so far apart; it would be fun to talk F2F."  That's a hint, without being pushy.  It's complementary, and gives her a chance to think about whether she'd like to contact you or not.

 If she says she'd like to see you, too, I'd suggest finding a venue either where she lives, or somewhere in-between, and proposing you meet there.  Maybe for a sporting event?  It doesn't have to be expensive, you can choose a high school event.  Or, some kind of festival that happens nearby, where you can just wander around together, have something to eat, see the sights.  Anything very public is not too threatening, and if she has her own transportation, she will feel safer.  I don't know where you are, so you'll have to fill in the blanks, and come up with the ideas. 

A three-hour drive every time you meet, in these high-cost gas days might be a big obstacle, but it also might provide the kind of brakes on the relationship that allow it to grow at a slow, healthy pace. 

In addition, please don't put all your hopes on this girl.    "Where is Love"  and "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will help you find easier ways to meet appropriate dates.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has a lot of information and exercises to help you date successfully.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: What Is The Grieving Process?

Dear Dr. Romance:

What Is The Grieving Process? What are the stages of the grieving process? How long does it take to go through each stage? Can one stage be relived over and over again? Is there a way to help someone through each stage?

Dear Reader:

If you've had a personal loss, I am sorry that you have to go through it.  The traditional stages of grieving, developed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, are Denial (or shock), Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. How long it takes depends on how big the loss is. We can grieve even over the loss of a job.  "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" will give you more details and specific help with grieving.  I recently developed a course on grief: Grief: What it is, Why we have it, and How to get through it  

Grief is an organic process, it has its own wisdom, and it needs a witness. An understanding friend, family member or co-worker can be that witness. There is nothing you can do to make a terrible loss less tragic, so the grief, anger and frustration that you feel are normal reactions to the circumstances. So you go through the stages of grief: shock, anger, seeking, depression and peace. It's normal for both of you to feel fear and rage that something terrible happened, a need for prayer and comfort, bouts of being overwhelmed, exhausted, disconnected, and depressed, and, finally, acceptance and understanding that this devastating event is a part of the risky life we humans all live. These feelings will come jumbled up, they'll recycle, and come in different order. 

Grief is an essential life skill -- knowing how to survive grief means feeling safe to take another risk, and grieving actually expands one's capacity to love.  Expression of grief, and respect for the dead, is very important to the grieving process. 

Anniversaries are very important in the grieving process. Each time an anniversary comes around, survivors relive the original loss. The first year of grief is the hardest, because it presents you with anniversaries and/or holidays all year around and each one is the first time without your loved one. The second year is somewhat easier, because you've survived each anniversary once. The actual anniversary of the event is the day that marked the change in your life, so for most people it continues to be significant. Marking the anniversary of your loss with a ceremonial event (such as posting on a grief site) helps you feel better. It also helps to include a reference to the person who was lost on each significant occasion, such as wedding anniversaries, religious holidays and birthdays. 

The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs contains helpful information about recovering from grief.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm Living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am having issues with my boyfriend. I was searching online and found an article that spoke of your book How to Be a Couple and Still be Free. I started doing some research on you and your other books (It Ends With You, How to Be Happy Partners,  The Real Thirteenth Step all struck my personal interest). I am from the US but at the moment I live in South America. My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic who has 2 1/2 years clean and sober. He attends AA meetings at least 3 times a week but I feel as if its not enough.

He has turned into a verbally abusive person who avoids confronting issues, lies, and caused many issues with me and my family. At one point I started yelling back and became violent with him. I turned into a part of the problem instead of being a part of the solution. The relationship has become dependent, resulting in him spending large amounts of time at my house and the feeling that I almost need his permission to go out with friends. I, in result, have become a jealous girlfriend, a trait I know single-handedly murders a relationship. He resents and mocks me when I say, "we have to learn 'to be a couple and still be free'", thinking that I have an ulterior motive. He is just now looking for a job.

With all of this said, our relationship of 2 years has not been all bad. In fact, he has helped me with a great deal with my own issues (a sort of second hand NA, using the same principles applied to my life). The times when he doesn't bear a striking resemblance to Mr. Hyde, he is a genuinely good person. My relationship with him is one of the most cherished things I have in my life. But I often joke that I am dating two people, Him and his Ego. This is the last opportunity I can give, because beyond this I am just abusing myself.

I have 3 questions for you:

1. How can I go about mentioning these books to him without a fight? I don't know how to reach him so we can have a rational conversation, instead of using avoidance and making empty threats.

2. By any chance can these books be found in Spanish?(he speaks English but his native language is Spanish)

3. Do you know if any of these books can be found in South America?

I hope this email wasn't too long, I am sure you are a very busy woman.

Thank you in advance for the benefits I will receive from these books.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry to hear you're having trouble with your boyfriend.  I don't know if your boyfriend is or was addicted to drugs, but you say he's now clean and sober for 2 1/2 years, which is great. People who get sober often are left with problems like rage, because they stunted their emotional growth with drinking and/or drugs. AA meetings, even three times a week, are not enough. He could benefit from reading The REAL 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self- Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve-Step Programs.

He probably won't be able to control his anger until he gets some help -- anger management classes or therapy. I am not familiar with the customs in your country, but in many Hispanic areas, it is considered "macho" for men to be angry, it's seen as OK, and that makes it even harder for a man to get the help he needs.

You are right that getting angry yourself is becoming part of the problem instead of the solution. You need to stay out of fights, and get away from your boyfriend when he is angry. Don't stoop to his level.  You don't live together, so if he misbehaves, don't see him for at least a week. He needs training, like a child who throws temper tantrums. You're also right to use the Dr. Jekyll /Mr. Hyde analogy, because it fits people with anger problems very well. The Mr. Hyde part of the brain is hidden until triggered, so the man appears to be wonderful until he suddenly becomes enraged. It's important to tell him (make sure you are safe -- do it by e-mail or by phone and don't be alone with him) that you will leave him if he doesn't learn to control his anger. You can tell him I said being angry like that is very childish, and not manly at all.

Here are the answers to your questions.

1. How can I go about mentioning these books to him without a fight? I don't know how to reach him so we can have a rational conversation, instead of using avoidance and making empty threats.

You won't be able to tell him these things if he doesn't want to hear it. If he has a sponsor in NA, you might want to get the sponsor to be present and to back you up. Or, have people around who are safe for you. Mr. Hyde never goes away: he can come out at any moment, so protect yourself.

2. By any chance can these books be found in Spanish? (he speaks English but his native language is Spanish)

I'm afraid the only book of mine that is published in Spanish (that I know about) is Las 10 Decisiones Que Toda Mujer Debe Tomar Antes De Los 40 which doesn't really apply.  Maybe you could read The Real 13th Step together in English.

3. Do you know if any of these books can be found in South America?

I know you can order them from Amazon.com, and if there are bookstores that carry English books, you may be able to find them there. Links to order them are on my website.

It's not a good idea to waste much time on an angry man. You could find a loving man instead, one who gets along with your family, and is loving toward you. Finding one who is healthy to begin with is easier and safer than trying to fix this one.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  can help you find a guy without the anger problems.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on The Perks of Dating a Divorced Person

Dr. Romance asks:  Should you date someone who is divorced?  Does it mean the person can't commit or trashes relationships?

It's possible that those things are true, but let's look on the positive side.  What are the perks of people who have already been through the mill?

1. Divorced people are no longer living in fantasy land. A person who’s divorced may have made some mistakes, but he or she’s usually got a more realistic picture of what it will take to have a successful relationship.

2. A prior marriage is evidence that your date can commit. As long as the marriage lasted for a while before the divorce, it's proof that our date can make a commitment and follow through.

3. Marriage can educate a person about partnership and how it works. Even though the previous marriage didn’t work, while it lasted, both partners probably learned some valuable things about relating to a partner, (even if it's only what doesn't work) and you’ll be the beneficiary of that wisdom.

4. Your date may have learned how to communicate and cooperate to run a joint life. Many divorced people have become good at cooperation. They have experience sharing finances, children, a home, and coordinating time schedules. These can be great perks.

5. Your date probably understands the positive side of emotional intimacy, and may miss it, which is a great opportunity for you.

6. A divorced person is usually housebroken. he or she knows how to not live like a single person, and how it feels to have a nice, well-kept home, and a full refrigerator.

If your divorced date has children, read "The Challenges of Blended Families"

Adapted from Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Should she tell the man she's in love with him?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have a friend who's asking for an advice and accidentally, I saw in the internet your advice to some heart problems. So I told myself to try ask help from you also. This lady friend of mine is well, kind of in love with a man who's also in love with her. However, a friend of ours also is I think falling in love with the same man.  So, my friend does not know what to do.  Is it just right for her to tell to the man she is in love with him even if doing so will hurt our other friend?  Because the advice that I had given to her is to better tell what she feels. And also, She does not know if the man still loves her because lately he acts somewhat different.  It's as if something turned out bad. I hope you can give some advice.

Dear Reader:

What are the facts? If this guy is dating both women, then he's just having a good time, and not thinking about commitment. If he's not dating either, then this is all just fantasy. Both ladies should stick with reality, and not get too far into their hopes about this guy. The big question is, has he asked either or both of them out on a date? If he has dated your friend, then she should not tell him what she feels (it's usually pretty disastrous with a guy) but ask him what he wants to do about their friendship. If he hasn't dated her, she should take the lead and ask him out to coffee or lunch, to let him know she's interested. Whatever she does, she shouldn't make a dramatic declaration of feelings unless he does. That just spooks a man, and sends him away.  "You Be the Judge" will help your friend think more clearly about men.  "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" will also help her understand the difference between a good guy and a bad one.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today is full of exercises and information to help your friend be more successful at finding a good partner.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]