Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: How can we find low cost counseling?

Dear Dr. Romance

I am in a relationship of a year and 3 months. My girlfriend Phyllis and I have a constant communication problem that we want to address.

Neither of us are currently working. I do get unemployment but my bills out weigh my income. Do you know how we can find low cost counseling?

Dear Reader:

If your bills outweigh your income, you are wise not to pay high fees for therapy. There are low-cost options for counselling:

(1) If you're a student, or there is a nearby university, check to see if they have graduate programs in psychology or social work. Schools that prepare counselors often have a clinic affiliated with their school, or know of community clinics that may be appropriate for you to call. Some major teaching hospitals may also have mental health clinics where they see people at low cost. Such a clinic may be open even during isolation.

(2) If you live in a large city, there may be training institutes for postgraduates in psychology and social work. The interns at these organizations see individuals and couples, usually at low cost. Students are supervised, which helps assure quality care. In addition, you can check out the American Psychological Association, or the National Association of Social Workers, to find counselors in your area.

(3) Church-run and not-for-profit organizations exist in many cities that either offer low-cost counseling or offer referrals and can help you find a therapist who sees people on a sliding scale. Mental Health America has tips on locating providers and paying for care. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Association (SAMHSA) has a National Helpline – 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Even for people who are not suicidal, the Suicide Prevention LIfeline can direct you to low-cost or free counseling in your area.

(4) Many counselors with private practices offer sliding fee services, and are doing sessions via phone or video.  Your primary health care provider can make a referral for you. Friends who live in the area you're moving to may have recommendations.

(5) Books can also help.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" has steps to follow to find a suitable counselor at a reasonable fee.  There are many free articles  on my website which can help you solve relationship problems.  

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together  can help you learn the skills you need to work together to solve problems.

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Guidelines for Relating with Love

If you're lucky enough to be living with someone else while you're isolating to avoid this virus, you may be having some difficulty with being alone together for more time than you're used to. The following guidelines will help you get along better and perhaps even improve your relationship during the pandemic.

A good marriage can be the most precious thing in your life, and bring you lasting comfort and joy. There's nothing better than a long-lasting, solid, loving relationship you can count on. Dr. Romance shows you how to open up the love and joy in your relationship, and be irresistible to each other.

Dr. Romance's Guidelines for Relating with Love (Six things to remember)

1. It's not about who's right or wrong it's about solving the problem together. If you try to win the argument, you'll lose something more important -- loving feelings.

2. With listening, caring and the willingness to change, anything in your relationship can be fixed. There's no need to be afraid -- just turn up the love.

3. It's a partnership, silly! Stop struggling, and learn to work together. Focus on teamwork and sharing.

4. Behavior that enhances relationships with people at work, and with your friends, will probably work if you use it with your spouse. Seek to be more rational and less angry or emotional.

5. What goes around comes around, in love as well as life. If you want more of love, try giving more. It will work every time.

6. Act like the grownup you are, not a little kid. Think before you speak and focus on solutions, not problems. Give up whining, complaining and suffering, and step up to taking responsibility and loving more.

(from Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences)

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm a single mother suffering in depression and stress

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm a single mother suffering in depression and stress.

I met my ex husband online, we fall in love and got married. He was a Middle Eastern guy. We had a daughter, the marriage didn't last long and we got a divorce. I was aggressive, I used to break things, yell at him and asked for a divorce in anger. He was too much into his friends and work. He had no time for our daughter or me, and we were living in another country where I had no family or friends. I used to fight him to come to my home country at least 2 times a yr, but he didn't like it. Last time I went home to finish my graduation exams, he divorced me by email a few years ago, even though I begged him not to.

My daughter is almost school age. she lives with me, I am back in school to have a better future but I have a lot of anger. I feel like I was ditched and thrown forcefully. My stress increases when I hear his voice when he calls to talk to my daughter, and I hear him saying he hopes to marry someone else, and that I didn't truly love him and I left him. I feel angry when my daughter asks him why he doesn't live with us.  I still have feelings for him but i know he doesn't care. When try to date  another man, after few days i compare him to my ex, and end it.  I want to be happy.  Please help me.

Dear Reader:

You are a mom now, it's time to grow up and stop throwing temper tantrums.  It sounds like you're not mature enough to have a healthy relationship, and you don't have a good role model for what a healthy relationship looks like.  "10 Reasons for Not Falling in Love" will explain why you're pushing men away.  "Anger Management"  will help you understand and express your anger in a more effective way. "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship"  will show you what's wrong with your relationship model, and "When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships"  outlines a new model for love. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today
contains information and exercises that will help you learn the skills you need to make a marriage work.

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm in my seventies and he's 25 years younger

Dear Dr. Romance

I'm in my seventies, and he is 25 years younger.we met on a senior dating site almost two years ago, and have been living together for over a year. He and my daughter went to the same high school, and he says he was attracted to me then and always compared his other relationships to me.

He's a romantic, and when he is around he is very entertaining and loves to talk but his time now is very limited as he is in grad school for the next two years. He works at lab all night 3 nights a week and leaves me alone and sleepless.

I have a severe hearing loss and a cochlear implant; he has been helpful and encouraging and taking me to the doctor. He does have a short fuse and blows up over nothing, which alarms me. I can usually defuse an argument by staying very calm, and avoiding conflicts.

He's been getting texts from his ex, the unmarried mother of his 22 year old daughter. He said he never talks to her, she just keeps writing, but I don't believe him. I think he likes the attention, and probably gets it from other sources as well.

He was on a dating site and went on some dates 6 months ago. He switches off the computer when I enter the room; takes the phone into the bathroom for conversations. He recently gave me an engagement ring and bought a suit  to wear for the wedding, but I thought it was way too expensive since he is on a scholarship and on limited funds.

I have my own apartment which I am renting out right now. but it is under the threat of foreclosure, I've been going to court to try to get a loan modification, which was one of the reasons I ended up living with him, it was only 6 months after we met..it may have been to soon.

My girlfriend says we have nothing in common. I'm worried that this relationship has no future once he finishes his graduate degree.  I don't want to lose the companionship, which I have very sparingly now.

Dear Reader:

I don't believe age differences are automatically a problem. May-December relationships can work. However, I have some concerns about yours. His anger worries me, especially since you placate him. I fear the relationship could turn into a controlling, violent situation. I don't know the future of this relationship, but there's a reason why you're worried.

I hope you're not paying for anything that is not your own expense, especially given your financial troubles. I also think he's probably not being faithful to you, which could lead to you being hurt. It sounds like your friend, who sees your relationship much more closely than I ever can, is also worried.

Please be sure you take care of yourself. The fact that you have "very sparing" companionship could impair your judgement and leave you vulnerable to being used or abused, so I want you to get busy and make some social connections. Try going to your local senior center for activities. You need a support system, in case this relationship doesn't work out. I'm glad you have your girlfriend, and you need more people to avoid becoming dependent. "Autonomy Vs Dependency" will help you understand the difference.   "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" will help you open up your social scene.  The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty  will help you examine your life at this stage, and make decisions to improve it.

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Should I stay in this relationship?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I had a really bad ending on my last relationship we were engaged. I moved into another relationship a month after he ended it. I was very lonely and my new relationship seemed perfect. Now I'm starting to get mixed emotions about my man. We have been together now 1 year. I do love and care about him. But it isn't the love i felt for my ex-fiance. I'm not sure what I see with the future. This man is very in love with me and has recently told me he could see us having a family together. I do not see that. I'm not sure what to do. Should I say in this relationship even though my feelings aren't as strong as his? Or should we end it?

Dear Reader:

Please don't be too quick to end this relationship. If you love and care about him, and you enjoy each other, you have the basic ingredients for a successful relationship. Love is not a competition, and you'll find your love will grow if you work together to solve problems and build a life. Make sure you're not running because you're afraid of the responsibilities of commitment and family. "10 Reasons for Not Falling in Love" will help you figure out if your fears are really related to this relationship or not. No relationship is perfect at the beginning. You two can develop the necessary skills to go through life together.  "Couples Can Cooperate for Success"  will teach you skills for turning your doubt into commitment.  Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences has exercises and information to help you learn to appreciate each other and maximize your love. If you do end the relationship, I recommend you wait at least a year before starting another. You need to figure out how to relate to yourself.  "Dating after Divorce, Breakup or Loss"  will help you understand why this is important.

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr Romance: he said I was expecting too much from this relationship

Dear Dr.Romance:

I can't get over this man, he is 61, I'm in my mid thirties,  he is Europe and I'm in North America, we started corresponding and we stopped. I was suffering but time healed me after a year.   This year we re started talking back, by Facebook, and when we decided to meet in on Paris, I was thrilled! When I got to Paris, he had changed his mind, he never showed up in our meeting, I just wonder what went wrong.  Later on he said to me that I was expecting too much from this relationship.  I feel broken, what do you advise?

Dear Reader:

Please don't feel bad about yourself because of this man. If he thought you were expecting too much he should have told you before you went to Paris. I hope you enjoyed your trip anyway. Time will heal you again. He's just dabbling, enjoying the fantasy relationship, but not wanting a real one. I'm sure he told you everything you always wanted to hear, because he never had to deliver on it. A real, "face to face" man might not seem as perfect, but you'll be able to tell if he's telling the truth or just feeding you a line of BS. Don't let this fantasy relationship keep you from developing a real one here at home.  "Where is Love?" and "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"  will help you get more realistic about what you're looking for. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you a step-by-step process to follow in finding a real, healthy relationship, with a man who is mature enough to respect you. 

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance: 5 tips to moving on emotionally after divorce

Going through a divorce is devastating. You not only lose the marriage and break up your family; you also lose all the hopes and dreams you had for happiness here.  Dr. Romance helps you to pick yourself up from the rubble and move on emotionally.

Dr Romance's 5 tips to moving on emotionally after divorce

1. If you gave it your best shot, and you know it's over, don't waste time in resentment and anger, it's self-destructive.  Let go. Do your grieving, cry, journal, and talk about alone, or with a trusted friend. Have a "letting go" ceremony with close friends, and say goodbye to your married life.  Put reminders away for a while. 

2. Don't hesitate to get therapy to help you through this transition, so you can grieve what's lost (even if you're the one who left, you've lost your hopes and dreams for this marriage) and move your focus on to building a good life in your new circumstance. A professional viewpoint will help you move from past to present, and plan for the future.

3. Take care of yourself financially -- a good lawyer can help you fight for your rights. You'll feel a lot less resentment if you get your fair share of the assets.

4. This is an important time to have your friends or family around you, you need support. Don't isolate. You don't have to go right out and date again (go slow with that) but you should have a

social life with friends and family. Even if you don't think you feel ready to see people, see your closest friends and spend time with them. They'll help you heal, and remind you that you still
have people who love you. Spend a lot of time with people you trust.

5. Focus on building your life. This is a great time to try something other than a relationship --
take a class, start a new business or career, get a puppy. Give yourself plenty of time to heal
before taking another chance on love.

For more help with moving on, read Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I find her volatile and aggressive

Dear Dr. Romance

I came across your name and contact details on a web it whilst trying to find info' to help my relationship. I wonder if you might be able to offer me any advice please ?

My girlfriend always wants to take control and the way she speaks to me at times is though I'm trash and she has no respect for me at all. She blows hot and cold so often and I find her volatile and aggressive. I don't know where it's gone wrong but it has since we started living together 6 months ago.

She strikes me to be a bit of a control freak. No matter what I attempt to do she always has to step in and take over. She foists her opinion on me all of the time without any facts. I'm a professional man and she tries to tell me how to do my job even though she has no knowledge or experience of my role. I'm finding the whole thing suffocating and such a turn off ! What might your advice be please ?

Dear Reader:

I'm guessing that your girlfriend is afraid: of intimacy, of losing you, of not knowing how to have a relationship. Both of you may be lacking in relationship skills. You need to find a way to talk to her, and not fight with her. Do you think she'll sit down for a discussion if you ask her? If she will, then ask her how she's feeling in the relationship, and if she's happy. Don't begin with telling her what's a problem for you.  "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will help both of you understand what a relationship is for.  "Asking for What you Want"  and "Getting to Yes" will help you talk to her more effectively and "The Magic of Reassurance" will help you learn how to calm her down. 

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together has exercises and guidelines to help you two talk without disrespecting each other.

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Dating a Younger Woman

Dear Dr. Romance:
I read your article on the Age Differences in Dating and found it to absolutely be brilliant. I'm wondering though since I'm dating a younger woman, what tips you have on dealing with that. Thanks. Any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

Dr. Romance Responds:

I have seen many relationships succeed with this kind of older man/younger woman scenario.  What counts is how well you two can form a  partnership or team that works.  These relationships can last --  it's not age that makes the difference, but how well the couple build trust, partnership and a life together.

Age difference is an adolescent worry: when you're a teenager, an age  difference of 10 or more years makes a vast difference in your experience  and your outlook on life.  Such a  difference can interfere with  communication, life goals, outlook, and relationship experience.  In addition, the social reaction to such a relationship is often very  negative.  If one partner is underage, a sexual relationship is even against the law.  But, as we get older, life experience and emotional  growth  even things out.  A ten-year or more difference in your ages makes  little difference in how well you can conduct your  relationship.   Don't  focus on an arbitrary numbers difference in your ages. If you are getting  along, you have good  communication and problem-solving, and you love each other, that's a precious thing, and far more important than any age  difference could be. If other people have a problem with it, let it be  their problem. To improve any relationship, read "Relating with Love"

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will show you everything you need to know about successful dating.

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]