Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: I am not sure there's any turning back

Dear Dr. Romance:

My wife and I  have been married for 5 years. We got married quickly - after only 9 months due to a couple of reasons. We have been fighting fairly regularly for several years -- and I think it comes down to: us not having much in common, which I ultimately resent her for, me losing my job and career, some health problems I have had, and the fact that she is foreign and we seem to have different sensibilities.

Fighting seems to be second nature to us - and at this point - I am not sure there is any turning back.

When there is a break of even 1 day from fighting - she mentions having children - and all I can think is... "Really?!" We have other issues - and it's clear to me at this point that we cannot work them out without help.

This she does not agree with. She thinks therapy is not an option [perhaps culturally] but really has shot me down every time. I am really scared of divorce - but I think it's obvious that we both feel it would be better off for us if we did. However - I am not sure that either of us is willing to go through that kind of Hell - each for our own reasons.  

Dear Reader:

If you're going to break up, definitely do it before you have children. There's no need to disrupt a child's life because his parents made bad choices.

You're right, it's not useful or necessary to fight. You can go to therapy by yourself if she won't go. I have found that one spouse going and making changes is the best catalyst to get the other to go.

Having children might be her idea of how to fix the marriage, but it never works.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  will help you figure out who is a good therapist to choose.  "Relationships 101: Do Opposites Attract?" will shed some light on your differences and how to get along with each other "From Struggling to Solving" will help you fix the problems in your relationship.
How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together contains the techniques and exercises you need to learn the skills to make a marriage work.

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance: How to be civil to an Ex

Dr. Romance writes: The divorce was ugly, your ex was a jerk, but you still need to have contact because of your kids or finances. You hate to have to deal with the ex, but you have to. What can you do to make it better for yourself and your kids? Here are ways to ignore your ex's loutishness or craziness and make the relationship work for you.

Dr. Romance’s 3 tips to dealing with a difficult ex

1. Choose your battles. One of my clients said “I don’t want to die on that hill.” She meant: that battle isn’t worth what it will cost me – I’ll ignore that problem and save it for a bigger one. Don’t get into adversarial positions with your ex when it’s not necessary. Even if he or she drives you crazy, don’t become oppositional. Save your energy for the big issues.

2. Don’t react, respond. Think carefully about everything you say before you say it. Calculate your words to get the response you want from your ex, rather than to create a problem you’ll have to clean up later. It often works better to deal with difficult exes by phone message or e-mail, rather than in person. Everyone stays calmer.

3. Leave it in the divorce court. You’ve fought your battle, it came out however it did, now let it go. Remember, you once chose this partner, and you have things to learn about your choices. Focus on learning your lessons, and don’t re-fight the old battles that are already settled. Do your part in the custody agreement, and if your ex doesn’t do it right, just keep a diary of all the screwups. If your ex creates scenes, just quietly listen and tape record them. If you get a nasty phone message, tape it and save it. If you need to, you can bring all this evidence to your lawyer to take to court, and win your big battles there.

You can get more help by reading It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I feel like such a fool

Dear Dr. Romance

I read your article, Gentle Persistence, followed the instructions, and got the truth.  

You were right. You were sooooo right! I've finally come to the realization that the married man I've been having an affair with for almost two years now has been using me. I'm embarrassed, I'm humiliated. I feel like such a fool. I wished I would have tried your communication techniques months ago. I guess I just needed to "get there" on my own time. I'm still wondering how he could leave me feeling so beautiful, yet so empty all at the same time. It was as if I was singing the most beautiful love song in my life, but it was falling upon deaf ears. What kind of life is that? What a fool I've been. I've ended up betraying no one but myself. Now what? How do I pursue a course of action to a better, more useful, more productive, happier, healthier life? 

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you were hurt. You let yourself get into this situation because you don't think well enough of yourself to notice when someone doesn't value you.  The fix for that is to  focus on creating a relationship with yourself.  "Your Primary Relationship" and "Your Bestest Friend -- You" for info on how to do it. You need a life that's about you, not some man. After you get that life in place, you'll find a good match -- a man with character. Until you have a real life, you'll just be prey for predators. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will give you the information and guidelines you need to sort out your internal relationship.

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Can I have a life partner?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am living alone. I've been told I am sexually weak. Can I have a  life partner?   How long will it take?  I need care and protection, and to know what my choices are. How can I be fruitful to society and mankind?  Is my life worth anything? Tell me the truth.  Believe me I can keep my cool. I am mentally stable and happy. 

Dear Reader:

Stop focusing on being 'sexually weak" whatever that means, and start making friends. You're keeping yourself lonely by obsessing on not having a relationship, when what you really need to to is learn to relate to people and make friends. Once you have a circle of friends, and you're not so desperate, you'll find that finding a relationship is much easier.  "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends " and "Where is Love?" will help you develop relationships to resolve your loneliness.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you find companionship.

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm struggling with dismissing bad behavior

Dear Dr. Romance:

You state in the article "You Be the Judge":  "Somehow, clients seem to have taken way too seriously the idea that we aren’t supposed to think badly of people. Instead of using good judgement about whether to allow someone in their lives, they make excuses and feel responsible."

Do any of your books or blogs cover this topic? I am struggling with dismissing bad behavior and really could use some guidance from one of your books or blog.

Dear Reader:

Good for you for wanting to change your behavior. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has a lot of info about not choosing a jerk to begin with. like this:

Once you're bonded with someone, it's very painful to let go.  Since most of us like to avoid our feelings, we don't want to do the grieving that's necessary to let go.  But, when you've had a loss, there are a certain number of  tears you must cry to let go -- getting on with the crying is the fastest way. Even if the dissolution of the relationship was your idea, you may be clinging to a dream -- in denial.  A bad relationship can become like an addiction – a difficult habit to break, because you are emotionally attached, and the attached part of you wants to keep trying, while the rational part knows you need to let go.
We also have a lot of cultural mythology about "I'll never stop loving you" and that clinging  and martyring to a toxic love means you are truly in love.  Clinging to a toxic love is immature, to begin with.  A relationship is a partnership, and requires work on both lovers' parts in order to succeed.  The initial romance stage isn't supposed to last, the relationship is supposed to grow into a real life partnership, and  that requires paying attention, learning and growth.  It's not a fairy tale-- it's a real life love story, and well worth the work required.  If you give nothing, you get nothing; but you can’t be the only one giving.  Your partner must be acting in ways that make the relationship better, not worse, also.  Sometimes, a toxic partner doesn't really want to be with you, but who either doesn't want to 'hurt you' or is still getting benefits (sex without commitment, you do the laundry, you're willing to take the kids more than your share) that he doesn't want to jeopardize. 
 
Block your ex on the phone, on Facebook, and other social media sites. If you keep looking at his Facebook page, or letting him contact you, you are not grieving and letting yourself heal and move on. 

If you gave it your best shot, and you know it's over, or if it never really got started, don't waste time in resentment and anger. Learn to let go. If you’re dumping a badly behaved cheater/jerk, be careful.  Jerks often throw temper tantrums when they don’t get what they want, so break up from a distance.  I often advise clients who need to break up with an abusive or violent partner or a stalker to break up via e-mail, to be safer. 

If you find you have real reason to doubt this person, and there are real problems, such as lying, severe money problems, a history of alcohol abuse, violence, many past relationship problems, a criminal record, reports of illegal activities, or drug use, do not make excuses, and do not accept promises of change.  Change is difficult, and will take a lot of time. Mere promises, no matter how well intended, are not sufficient.  Get out of this relationship before you are any more attached, or any more degraded, than you are now. If your partner decides to get help, let him do it because he or she knows they need it, not to get you back. That’s not a strong enough motive to keep him committed to change.

To dump a jerk, don’t be kind.  He won’t get it.  Be clear, say “It’s over” in no uncertain terms, ask him not to contact you,  and then cut him off.  Don’t answer phone calls, e-mails, etc.  If you do, you’ll give him cause to think he can badger you into coming back.  If he shows up, don’t let him in.  If you have to call the police to get rid of him, do it.  He’s a spoiled brat, and he needs to know you mean what you say.

Know the signs of emotional blackmail:
1. A demand.  Your date won’t take “no” for an answer, and requests are really demands.
2. Resistance.  When every discussion turns into an argument.
3. Pressure.  Your date pressures you to go along.
4. Threats.  Your date uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to end the relationship, tears, rage, badgering.
5. Compliance. If you give in, you’re setting a dangerous precedent.  Your date now knows you can be pressured into giving in to him or her, and this will increase the intensity of what your date is willing to do to pressure you.
6. Repetition.  An obsessive person will go through these previous five steps over and over, wearing you down each time. The easiest thing is to be sure when you say “no”, it means no.

For more information and skills for how to avoid toxic relationships, please read: 
How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship 
Setting Boundaries and Saying No 
Romance is Not Necessarily Love 
How to Avoid Loving a Jerk 
Avoiding The Drama Triangle 

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr Romance: Should you stay in your marriage?

Dr. Romance writes: Should you stay in your marriage?

Marriage can be frustrating and disappointing, especially if you don't have the skills to fix it. But giving in to the frustration and leaving may turn out to be the worst thing you ever did.

Consider these reasons to stay:

1. You still love each other. Maybe you're irritated, bored, frustrated or resentful, but bottom line, you'd be sad to lose your partner. Don't give up. What's wrong can probably be fixed. If you haven't calmly told the truth about how you're feeling, and it only comes out when you fight, then you haven't created a chance to fix things and restore your loving feelings.

2. You have children. Divorce is devastating for kids, and it's not right as a parent to put your happiness above theirs. In any case, doing what it takes to repair the marriage will make everyone, including you, a lot happier than the failure of divorce. Leaving is only a good idea if your marriage is abusive. That's more damaging to kids than divorce.

3. Your complaints are petty and juvenile. If you're mad because you're not getting enough attention or there's no romance, or someone else looks better to you than your partner, you're probably not being realistic or doing your part to fix things. Don't be a baby. Grownups don't keep complaining, whining and nagging – they figure out how to fix things.

4. You haven't tried counseling, or you haven't put a real effort into it. You may need to try a couple of counselors before you find one you can work with. Look for a counselor who is demanding, who expects you to change what you're doing. It will be the best investment you ever made in your marriage and your own happiness.  

"Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a therapist if you can't discuss this productively between you.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together shows you new ways to work through problems and bring the happiness back to your relationship.  

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I just miss her a lot

Dear Dr. Romance:

I found your article about women dating younger men. So, here I'm in a middle of a crisis... hope you can read it and hope you can give some advise. I'm 30, with a promising career and a stable job.

A year ago, I met a woman, who's seven years older and has 3 kids. I've been dating her since then... we shared EVERYTHING, she used to be my best friend, my partner, my lover and the only one who can makes me breathless... Yes, I'm in love!!!
 
So, the last moth everything just finished, without a reason just told me she needed some time. And here I'm... hopeless. Sometimes I think she found someone else and doesn't dare to tell me. And I don't understand why... I used to be her support, emotional and financially.... just took care of everything, I mean everything.
 
I don't have to tell you how do I feel... I'm not in the mood to work, to spend time with my friends... just miss her a lot... A LOT!! Anyway, I'm just looking for a professional opinion.

Dear Reader:

Seven years isn't that big an age gap, no matter who's older.  Without talking to your girlfriend, I can't be positive, but I'm guessing she is feeling smothered. Is it possible that she thinks you're trying to control her by sharing all her time, and giving her so much?  If she's tried to talk to you about that, it may have been subtle, because she didn't want to hurt your feelings; but if you didn't get it, then she probably felt she had no other option than to ask for 'space.' 

Your best bet is to get on with your life, and give her more space than she's asking for.  Let her make the next several moves. When she contacts you (and she will) don't go running back until the two of you have discussed how to repair the relationship, and you know what she wants and doesn't want from you.  You can't create a loving relationship all by yourself. The two of you have to be equally involved, and have equal say if you want the relationship to work. 

 "Stupid Cupid"  will give you guidelines for discussing the important points of relationships, and "Couples Can Cooperate For Success" will show you how to make a more equal relationship.  Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will give you exercises and formats for discussions which will help you understand each other.

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Can you program the subconscious?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I saw the articles on your site and I would like to know if you  can ´´program´´ the subconscious mind to win a X salary per month, even if the subconscious mind is programmed to attract money.

Dear Reader:

We have a brain mechanism psychologists call "preparatory set." It's one of the mechanisms the mind uses to sort through the enormous amounts of data that flow in daily, and keep it manageable. By writing down the things you want to accomplish and making them clear, you can "program" that mechanism. Once programmed, it directs your attention to certain events and occurrences.

To illustrate: When you decide you want a certain car (an SUV, a hybrid or a certain brand of truck) you see that model everywhere, you notice every one on the freeway, you see every ad or commercial. Preparatory set works that way. Once you program it with your goals (visualizing in addition to writing is most effective) you will automatically be more aware of certain events, opportunities and people who can be helpful. You'll also be more clear about what you want, and this will sneak into your conversation and your general attitude, where others can pick up on it. It's not really magic, unless you believe as I do, that the mind is a miracle in itself.

The more specific you can be in programming the subconscious, the better it works. Use pictures, not just numbers. When you get that certain salary, what will you do with it? Create visual pictures of your lifestyle with that salary. The subconscious has been described as a "mail-order desk" If you don't tell the order desk exactly what you want, you run a chance of getting the wrong thing.  "Patterns of Change" will give you more information about programming your subconscious, and The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs explains in more detail how you can work with your subconscious mind.

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Can you make your wife fall in love again?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I would like to know if it's possible to make your wife fall in love with you again? She just recently announced to me that she wanted to go our separate ways. I am devastated we have 2 kids together and she told me that she just grew apart from me. I'm madly in love with her and don't want to get separated. What can i do?

Dear Reader,

I'm curious how a man who loves his wife so much could not notice you were growing apart. Apparently, you need to learn to listen to your wife more closely. Usually, women say they're unhappy in many ways before they reach the point of leaving. I hope it's not too late, and she hasn't formed an attachment to someone else.

 Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner, and How to be Irresistible to Your Mate will help you communicate better. Ask your wife if she'll talk to you.  Ask her if she'll go to counseling with you. If she will, spend your time listening carefully.  

Don't focus on how much you love her.  What you think is loving may not come across that way to her.   Find out what you did wrong, or what you didn't do right, and don't argue with her. Apologize, and ask her if she is willing to start over. Then, make the necessary changes. Read Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely. You need a counselor to help you communicate with each other. Don't tell her why she shouldn't leave. Don't defend yourself, or explain yourself. Just listen. Got it?  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together  can teach both of you better communication skills, which you need to build a happier and more satisfying relationship.

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]