Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dr. Romance on: Resolving Family Fights

Dr. Romance writes:

Often, the same quirks, reactions and behaviors that create problems between you and the other members of your family wouldn't be a problem if it was someone else's family.  If your best friend's parent or sibling did the same thing, you'd probably let it go, gloss over it and focus on what you like about them.  The same techniques will work with your own family members. Try pretending they're  someone else's family and see if that puts things is perspective. Use the following guidelines to let go of small things that might get in the way of enjoying the day.
To let go of small things:
1: Perspective—put them in perspective—will it be important an hour from now or fifteen minutes from now? Most of them won't be.
2. Self-understanding: If someone or something upsets you, don't exacerbate the problem by getting on your own case for reacting. Reactions are normal -- it's what we do with them that counts.
3: Rise above: If someone frightened you (a driver who cut you off) then give a little prayer of thanks that you survived, bless the other driver (who probably needs it) and you'll feel better.
4. Benefit of the doubt: If someone hurt your feelings, acknowledge that your feelings are hurt, then consider that the other person is probably more clumsy than intentionally hurtful. The world is full of emotional klutzes who don't realize the impact of their words and actions, and they create more problems for themselves than for you.
5. Consider the source: A neighbor or associate who is truly nasty may repeatedly hurt your feelings. Consider what must be going on inside that person's head, and be grateful that you're not hearing that. Even the meanest people are far nastier to themselves than they are to others. That person is tryin to relieve his or her pain by inflicting some on you.
6: Adult time out: If someone repeatedly hurts, abuses or disrespects you, the best way to handle it is with an adult time out.
Handling difficult personalities takes skill and know how. Here's a technique anyone can learn to use that works every time.
Adult time out  

If someone behaves badly in your presence, giving that adult a “time out” is a powerful and subtle way of fixing the problem. All you need to do is become very distant and polite around the person who is not treating you well. No personal talk and interaction, no joking, no emotion. Be very polite, so the person cannot accuse you of being unpleasant, mean or rude. There is no need to explain what you are doing: the problem person will get the message from your behavior -which is much more effective. Most people will change, but even if the person's behavior doesn't change, you can leave him or her in "time out" and you won’t have to be anxious about his or her behavior. From The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before Forty

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: We Still Love Each Other, but I don't know

Dear Dr. Romance:

i need some relationship advise really bad bad. Can you help??  I really need help, See, I cheated on my boyfriend of 4 years And he found out and forgave me! And he went out And slept with 3 girls that night is it possible for us to still work? We love each other but I don't know.

Dear Reader

Yes, you can, but you both have to do a lot of growing up.  You can do that  if you both follow these steps:

Dr. Romance's 3 tips for getting over affairs:  

If you or your partner have had an affair, it doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship. If both of you are prepared to work through the problems, the following tips can help you move through the process.

1. Fess up – learn to listen and talk with each other: If you're serious about fixing the problems in your relationship, it's crucial that you both begin to face each other honestly and openly. Most of the time, affairs occur because the communication and intimacy in the relationship have broken down. It's time to take an honest look at what went wrong. You may need professional help from a counselor or therapist to open up your communication, but it's the only way to repair the damage done.

2. Fix Problems: Once the problems have been identified, be willing to make the changes that will fix them. Doing things the same way you always have will give you the same results. Again, it may take the objectivity of a counselor to help you figure out what changes are needed.

3. Forgive: As long as you're stuck in blaming each other and defending yourself, or repeating the same old behavior, you won't be able to move forward. Forgiving each other doesn't mean condoning what happened, or that it would be OK if it happened again. What it does mean, is that you're willing to close that chapter and move on. Your therapist can help you understand and create mutual forgiveness.

"Apology and Forgiveness" will give you more information to help you heal the relationship.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Is she bipolar or what?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm in need of some help. My partner has had some emotional problems and I don't know what they are. is she bipolar or what else? She gets angry about everything and is very negative, she is very incecure and thinks I dont love her even if I told her 10 mins before. She says she needs my constant attention (every sec and means it.) If I dont focus on her she thinks that I don't love her or need her. She thinks I'm falling out of love with her all the time even if I tell her it's not true. She tells me that I need to speak sweet to her all the time and if I dont something's wrong. She overexaggerates everything. If a car moves slightly over by her lane she says they are trying to run her offthe road. I have to talk the way she wants or she starts to fight with me. If I say something its really bad but if she says it its ok. This is realy hard to deal with. Whats wrong with her? im starting to think maybe its me who is not thinking right? please help???'

Dear Reader:

It's difficult to tell without talking to your partner directly, but the situation does sound serious. Your partner sounds very anxious, perhaps paranoid. Is counseling available where you are? It's important that both you and your partner get some help. If counseling isn't possible, try talking to a doctor, religious leader or trusted family member. It won't help to fight with your partner, instead it's important that you remain calm. If you become anxious and agitated too, it will increase her anxiety.  "Handling Anxiety Effectively" may help, but do get some help. This is probably too big for you to handle alone. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find an appropriate therapist.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: She doesn't believe that I'm trying to find a job.

Dear Dr. Romance:

My wife she wil get angry very easily. Even for simple things she gets very angry. She always tells me to leave her and she wants to live her family especially with her mother. She tells me she doesn't want to live and mostly she hurts her self. The biggest problem is my job. I earn very small salary and I'm trying to get a good job but she doesn't believe that I'm trying to find a job

Dear Reader:

It sounds like your wife may have some reasons to be angry. If she's saying she wants to leave, things are very bad. If it's so important to her that you get a good job, have you asked her to help you? If you work together to figure out how you can get better work, she'll know you're really doing something about it. Just telling her you're trying to get a job may not be believable.

She may be getting angry because she's frustrated with your money problems.   "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" and "From Struggling to Solving" have a lot of information you and your wife can use to learn how to work together.  How to Be Happy Partners; Working it out Together will give you many tools you can use to stop fighting and start solving problems.

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance On how to keep your marriage safe from infidelity

Infidelity can be devastating to a marriage. While couples can recover, it is far better to never have cheating in the first place. Here's how to "cheat-proof" your marriage, and head off problems before they begin.

Dr. Romance on how to keep your marriage safe from infidelity

Husbands need your interest. Husbands often disconnect from their wives when they don't feel the wives are interested in them any more. Because men often have a difficult time with intimacy, someone at work who is sympathetic and doesn't make demands can be very appealing. To reconnect, be sure you are listening to him, understanding his needs and wants.

Wives disconnect because they unloved or taken for granted.   The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed. If you really want to restore the marriage, begin not by complaining about your needs that aren't being met, but by focusing on his needs. Once he feels wanted again, you can begin to work out the issues.

Either spouse will be tempted to cheat if the marriage is disconnected, or has sunk into friendship, which is affection without sex.  To mend the relationship, both spouses need to be willing to make it work, to talk openly about what went wrong, to take responsibility for what they did or didn't do to make the marriage work. It's an emotional maturity issue.

Married couples also need support for their marriage – other couples who can help them through rough times.

Closeness Breeds Intimacy

It's easy to feel romantic when you live separately and date each other, because every moment spent together is special. From the moment you begin to live together, such romantic moments are no longer automatic. Instead, much of your time together is spent on more mundane things: doing laundry, washing dishes, paying bills, or going to work. Although this can be new, exciting and fun at first, as soon as the initial newness of living together wears off, such everyday things cease to feel exciting and romantic, and you may find yourself feeling worried that your partner no longer cares as much or is as excited to be with you.

Partnership is the Key

The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed. If you really want to restore the marriage, begin not by complaining, but by seeking to understand your partner. Once the connection is there, you can begin to work out the issues. (Adapted from  How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together)

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I recently discovered numerous women he text messages

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have just read your article "Keys to a Happy Relationship" and would be greatful for some advice. I havn't been with my partner long. We are both in our twenties and we met a few months ago and already live together because it's the only way we could see each other. I moved away from my friends/family to live with him and the first two months were great, apart from me struggling to find work, and money worries. Things started to change after two months when I was bored, unemployed, and he made me feel he wasn't over his ex of 5 years, he has photos on his laptop of them together.

I recently discovered numerous women he text messages, messages on facebook, dating sites, porn making me feel insecure and paranoid so soon in our relationship.  Although he hasn't arranged to meet the women, it still hurts and he thinks it's not how it looks, I feel betrayed. Him being unhappy with his weight is the reason he uses for him talking to other women as if 'hey gorgeous' makes him feel better and I don't it seems.

I have packed my things 4 times and he won't let me go, and makes me feel I overeact and he promises he will never cheat. I feel that I never wanted to threaten to leave, argue, check phones, worry what he is up to all the time, things have gone bad so quickly and he seems to enjoy messaging female friends, he never earned trust before he broke it and he now wants a last chance, and broke down saying I was the one and he never thought he would be happy again. I do believe he is sorry I just didnt want any woman getting in the way at all never mind this soon, when I message the girls I know it should be him I question, I just want the truth from them not his lies.

Recent row involved me packing, him unpacking, and I hid his phone to check what he is up to he then took my phone to message a male friend of mine pretending to be me being flirty then admitting it wasnt me and threatened him and asked him to stop texting me. Although he was worried what I would find on his phone, he makes me out to be guilty and judges me at his own/his ex standards. He has been cheated on in the past, I haven't, he says he wouldn't risk losing me, and he hadn't moved me here to hurt me. I am so confused and only reason I haven't left is I have a new job here finally and feel I wasted the past few months job hunting, stressed, then start work, find out what he been up to. I know one side to story sounds different but I am really struggling with what to do now... any suggestions?

Dear Reader:

I'm afraid I believe he's playing you. He got you isolated from everyone you're close to, and now he thinks he has power over you, he can do what he wants and talk you out of what you know to be true. Get out and get your own place as soon as you can. Don't ask him -- do it behind his back, because he's the type who may turn violent if he thinks he's losing control. Either go back home, or get a place of your own where you are.

When you're safe in your own place, you will have your power back, and you can find out if he can be made to behave. Take a long time to decide whether you can go back to him, and make sure he doesn't control you any more.  "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" and "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship"  which will help you understand the problems in your relationship. Don't make excuses for him. You are in a dangerous situation, and you need to protect yourself. Get yourself in a safer situation as soon as possible.  

When you're ready, Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will have the information you need to find a healthier, happier relationship.

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: no one I meet online wants a serious relationship

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have not had a relationship in 8 years because of a bad relationship. I needed time to heal. My favorite discussion board has closed, and I miss my friends! Emailing is nice but I miss the discussions and topics of the day.  I have gone back to school and I'm much older than the other students, so I'm looking for a partner online.  I make friends easily because of my friendly nature.  But the problem is, no one I meet online wants a serious relationship -- they just want to be friends.   If I was to meet some one on the net I would not be going back home to Atlanta but to where ever this person lied. 

Dr. Romance responds:

I'm sorry you lost your online group, but it may be a blessing in disguise. If your healing is not over by now, do yourself a favor and get some therapy. I really think counseling would help you.  There should be some available at school.  Take advantage of it, even though you're older than a lot of students.   Don't let yourself wallow in this any longer.  I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you're busy keeping yourself miserable. You're resisting meeting friends where you can, and  complaining about people "just wanting to be your friend". People you meet online can't be anything but friends, realistically, until you've met them and gotten to know them.  

I think you need friends in real life, both men and women.  And you can do that at school after classes or by joining campus groups.   I'm glad you "make friends easily", but do you keep them for a long time?  There's a big difference between friends who have been around for years and  someone you just met, which I would call an acquaintance.  If making friends is so easy, why aren't you doing it?

Don't make the mistake of thinking you can meet someone online and just move to where they live. You'd have to spend time getting to know a new person F2F first, and you can't just go to where they live to do that.  Meet new friends where you are now.  See my articles "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" and "Where is Love" for more help. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you figure out how to date in person, how to build a social network, and how to find the partner you want.

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: What do I need to do to become a therapist?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a 25 year old M.A. student from the Middle East. This year is my final year to have my M.A. degree as a Family specialist to become a family counselor. I saw many things you wrote online as a family and couple therapists and i Loved them all! I was wondering if you could direct me and hear what you have to suggest that I should do after my Masters. Which courses or degrees are best for me to take more to have a wide experience as a family specialist .. And I am considering a PhD. program, which program you would suggest the most? What is your PhD. was about? Thank you for your time I would really appreciate it if you could give me answers

Dear Reader:

Congratulations on almost completing your Masters. I know how much work that takes. I have no information about licensing in the Middle East. When I got my Masters, I was required to have 3,000 hours of counseling under supervision, and then I sat for a California licensing exam, which I passed in 1978. That gave me a license to work as a Marriage, Family Therapist, or psychotherapist. I began a private practice, which I'm still doing today. In 1987, I went back and got a PhD. 

If you want to work as a therapist in your own country, and they have licensing, I suggest you go to the licensing board there to find out their requirements and accepted schools. The best thing you can do is begin doing therapy -- as in intern, if that is what your country requires. You'll learn far more on the job than in school.

Find a therapist that you admire and want to learn from, and see if you can work in that practice, under the supervision of that therapist. Get started as soon as possible (if you haven't already) The only way to learn therapy is via a practicum, where therapy begins with the students practicing on each other, and then observing group therapy, then doing group therapy and then individual therapy. What you learn in class is helpful, but therapy is an art you can only learn by practicing.   Find a professional clinician's course taught independently by a therapist you respect. "Ten Things People Don’t Know about Therapy" and "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will give you some insight. 

Here are the guidelines I use when teaching students:

1. Make sure you are effective with clients. Clients who get better are very motivating. It’s more important to help clients heal old trauma then to adhere to a theoretical base. 

2.Work from your heart – trust yourself and your intuition. If you guess wrong, just accept it and go on. In the end, you have to do therapy your own way. Theories and studies are helpful, but not if they hamper your own style.

3. Identify your preferences, do your best to maximize what you like and minimize what you don’t like. If you don’t like paperwork, get computer programs or secretarial help. If you don’t like working with depression, either don’t see those clients, or get more training so you’ll know how to handle it. If you like working with women, children, couples, etc. focus on that in your practice building.

4. Have a support team of colleagues with whom you can share your therapy experiences as peers.

5. Learn to set solid boundaries. Learn how to say no to intrusive clients, how to keep them in appropriate parts of your life, and not let them take over your free time.

6. Limit your hours to what works for you. Design your own style of working, and make sure your place of work is comfortable to you.

7. Trust that you will get the right clients for your style. Be clear what your own style is, and don’t worry if it doesn’t work for some clients – refer them to someone else. Different clients need different therapy styles.

8.Learn from therapists you respect and admire, with whom you feel comfortable. If you don’t respect a theory or practice style, don’t use it. If you can modify a theory or practice style to suit you, do it.

9. Do your own work. It’s impossible to be effective as a therapist if you haven’t been in the client’s chair. You need to delve deeply into your own subconscious, so that you’ll understand your weaknesses and your strengths, and won’t be blindsided by “dark side” issues when they are triggered.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  presents my process for helping people in recovery heal the associated problems.

 Good luck with your career.  

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance: Creating a Blended Family When You Have a New Partner

Once you have gone through the wrenching experience of loss or divorce, it's not easy to pick up the pieces and find a new love. If you have children, they have been through a lot of upset, also.  So when you do find a new love and want to create a blended family in a new way, these steps will help:

Dr. Romance's 4 tips to smoother step-parenting

1. Give your blended family a chance to bond. Don’t worry if everyone doesn’t settle in right away; bonding takes time.  Hopefully, you all got to know each other before you moved in together, but the transition to living comfortably together can take time.

2.   Have family meetings weekly.  Give everyone (kids, too) a chance to share how they feel, what they like and don’t like, and ask them to share both positive and negative opinions.  Invite suggestions about how to make things better.  Shared times, such as mealtimes, are important -- but each person needs a break, too.  Don’t allow the schedule to be too busy -- plan some time off.

3.    Get on the same parenting page.  Mom and Dad need to work out parenting methods, rewards, punishments, chores, allowances, bedtimes, homework, etc.  Each of your single-parent families is unique, and everyone has to adjust to change. Transition is much easier if the parents are in agreement.  If something happens you haven’t discussed, just defer to one parent, and work it out later.  If you allow the kids to create discord between you, they’ll jump on it right away, and make your lives miserable. 

4.     If you have shared custody with one or more outside parents, resolve any conflicts with them right away –ex-spouse struggles can become disasters. You’ll all be connected for life.  Help the children transition from one household to another by “debriefing” when they come home.  “How was your visit?”  Then talk about the system at your house.

 "Dating Guidelines for Single Parents"  will give you more information about how to set yourself and your family up for success.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today demystifies the whole process from dating to creating a new, blended family.

For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]