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When we:
Lift our heads from the worries and the do lists
and focus on the possible
Lift our eyes from the struggles and the sorrows
and focus on the future
Lift our minds from the noise and the jabber
and focus on the silence
We lift our dreams to a higher level
And Hope will lift our hearts.
(c) Tina B. Tessina, 2017
A very Happy New Year from Dr. Romance
Dear Dr. Romance:
I am a male Kenyan, married with 2 daughter. Of late, have totally lost urge for sex and it can only appear once per week though a weak one. Outside affair is a norm in my religion, but whenever I site a beautiful lady suddenly the mind switches to sex and I go to an extent of hooking her and talking on sex,though have never had sex outside marriage. Kindly advise me on how I can resume my initial romance with my wife.am very embarassed.
Dear Reader:
I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. I think your problem can be solved. I'm glad you haven't had sex outside your marriage. Feeling guilty from cheating won't help your situation.
As we get older, and are in a long-term relationship, the motivation for sex changes. It is no longer based on the conquest of a pretty face, but should come from the heart. In order for your intimate relationship to be strong in your marriage, you and your wife need good communication and closeness. When you build more trust, your sexual performance will be easier. "How Sex Can Evolve in a Long Relationship" will teach you what to expect with your sexual connection with your wife. "How to be Irresistible to Your Mate" will show you how to bridge the gap with your wife. How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together has guidelines for energizing your sex life, like these:
Dr. Romance’s 4 Tips on Jump-Starting Your Sex Life
Has your sex life gone to sleep? No matter what the old wive’s tales say about it, there’s no reason not to have sex in long-term relationships. Sex not only will keep your love energized, it’s also fun exercise, a great stress-releaser, and aerobic: it raises your heart rate and your respiration -- and you don't even notice you're working hard.
Here’s how to make it easy and fun:
1. Relax.
Relaxing allows you to be more aware of your sexual energy, enhances sexual feelings, and frees you up to respond sexually. Allow time for morning sex when you are still relaxed from sleep, or after a nap.
2. Lighten Up
Because of media influence, most couples have an exaggerated, stressful image of sex. To have more fun, focus on having fun, instead of meeting a goal. Some sex encounters go well, some don't, so have a sense of humor. Spend more time giggling, talking and being silly and less time under pressure. A lighter attitude makes sex more fun.
3. Communicate
The best beginning for a lovely sexual encounter is a good, honest and open conversation. When you were new lovers, you talked and sex was easy. Frequently make time to "catch up" with each other over an unhurried dinner or breakfast. Express your hopes and dreams, clear the air, and you can both relax. From there, it's not such a long distance into the bedroom.
4. Be Flexible
Physical agility can be helpful, but emotional flexibility will really improve your sex life. The longer you and your partner are together, the more you need options. Here’s a menu:
*Quickies: brief sexual encounters that are great fun when you're pressed for time. Morning heavy petting can make the whole day more exciting.
*Sneaky Sex: Whispery sex behind locked doors while the children (or grandchildren) are watching TV is great fun, or sneak lovemaking in your childhood bedroom while visiting your parents.
* Romantic Sex: Pull out all the stops: candlelight, dinner, dancing, dressing up, perhaps a lovely hotel room, or a romantic dinner for two at home. It's great for celebrations, or anytime you need a boost.
* Newlywed Sex: Recreate your first married days: the time you met your husband at the door wearing only a negligee, surprise flowers, or silly, wildly in love things you said then.
* Make-up Sex: After an argument or a struggle, lovemaking can be extra tender and memorable.
* Comforting Sex: When one of you is sad or stressed, the other can be especially tender and soothing.
* Relaxing Sex: Laze around, have breakfast in bed, and make love for as long as you want; no pressure, no hurry and no demands on each other.
* Reassuring Sex: Tender affection reassures a partner who is temporarily insecure, and reaffirms your mutual love and commitment. Declare your love and remember how important it is.
* Fantasy Sex: Act out all the silly, forbidden or exciting fantasies: Nurse and patient (or doctor), children "playing house", famous movie star and adoring fan, or your two favorite characters from a soap opera, novel or movie. If you feel a little silly, laughter will only make it more fun.
For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]
Just as no two snowflakes are alike, no two miracles are, either.
I believe in miracles, but the ones that are important to me don’t involve big, showy events. I like the everyday miracles: The food we eat becomes body cells, muscles, thoughts and even emotions. Our brains and nerves generate and conduct electricity to create our thoughts, ideas, mental habits and even our personalities. Our bodies can be wounded and somehow regenerate muscle, skin and blood to heal, often without a trace. The best miracle in my life is other people. They show up when I need them. They care about me. They often cause me to laugh or cry. They introduce me to new ideas, and new ways of looking at things. They bring everyday magic into our lives. We are surrounded by the wondrous every day, most of it unexplained as yet by science, and we so often fail to notice.
Seeds are miracles. From a tiny package, some so small you can hardly see them, plants and trees grow. Every seed contains in it all the DNA that creates the plants we eat, the flowers we enjoy, the trees that shade and feed us.
Each of us is also a miracle. We grow from tinier seeds than plants do, from a miracle that combines the DNA from each of our parents to create the unique miracle each of us becomes. And we pass the miracles on. Each time we are kind and loving, every time we help and care for one another, each time we have a new idea, or create something, we are participating in the larger miracles of life. We are the angels who bring the miracles to life. What an awesome, inspiring and joyous thing it is, this astounding life we get to be a part of.
ANGELS IN DISGUISE
Lyric: Tina Tessina
Music: Ron Creager
Through your busy Holidays you may not notice much
How many hands are giving and how many lives are touched
Turkey dinners, Meals on Wheels fill hearts and stomachs, too
Toys for Tots brings Christmas treats where hope is overdue
A solitary senior hesitates to cross the street
The kindness of a stranger's arm steadies her feet
A child, lost and frightened, and his frantic Mom
Are quickly reunited by a shopclerk's intercom
CHORUS: Wake up Christmas morning
open up your eyes
everywhere you look are
angels in disguise
Who's to say that Christmas
is the only day?
if you'll only let them
the Angels come to stay
Every thoughtful gesture, every selfless gift
Eases someone’s heartache, gives a needed lift
Ordinary people, even you and I
can be Angel agents, and allow our hearts to fly
BRIDGE: Was that little windfall in
your empty-pocket days
Really accidental, or did
Angels pave the way?
This holiday season, I wish you the joy of being part of the miracle, and being aware of it.
Dear Dr. Romance:
I am a divorced father of 3. I am remarried. My 11 year old daughter is very upset about her mother's new boyfriend that is also still married. He was first introduced as a friend but she doesn't understand why he is always at the house and stays till late at night. My daughter has asked her mother if this is her boyfriend and the mother tells her no.
My daughter calls me crying because her mom continues to lie, she doesn't want to be around him and he is always at the house and that she has tried to talk to her mom and her mother tells her she needs to deal with it.
My daughter then decided to write her mother a letter explaining that she was upset and didn't want to be around her boyfriend, that she was upset for her lying to her and the letter also stated that she was going to run away from home and call the cops for sexual harassment. She told me that she can't take it anymore and wanted to kill herself if things didn't change.
I have tried to talk to her mother about this but she doesn't think there is a problem only that our daughter is jealous and spoiled.
Dear Reader:
I'm a little skeptical. I can understand your daughter not wanting to have her mother's "friend" around all the time, but I don't understand why she's so very upset about it, unless the "boyfriend" is giving her some sort of problem (why is she going to call the cops for sexual harassment -- has he done something?) or unless she's upset because you're upset. Wanting to kill herself is way over the top for an 11 year old. This makes me think that you're the one who is upset, and talking about it to your daughter in a way that exacerbates her feelings. Perhaps she's not getting enough of your attention, and this is a way to do it. If she's so unhappy at her mom's, why not just let her stay with you?
I don't condone her mom's having a boyfriend around the house all the time, especially if her daughter doesn't like him. But, I'm not sure what you think she's lying about. Do you want her to tell your daughter the "truth" including details of her sexual relationship? It sounds to me like everyone needs to grow up here, and your daughter needs more balanced support. Stop supporting her hysteria, and support her well-being instead.
You and your ex should go to counseling, work through your anger with each other, and figure out what's best for your daughter. As things are now, your daughter is going to spend a lifetime in therapy because her parents were so dysfunctional. "What is a Dysfunctional Family?" will explain what's wrong and It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction can teach you how to function more successfully as a parent.
For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]
Dear Dr. Romance:
I was so interested in your article "Getting to Yes" about Attentive listening...what a powerful strategy and descriptive techniques. Here is a but.....I have????? Now, what if ....as you are listening you recognize the signals you mentioned from the person you are talking with and you're stuck with how to get that person to "unload" about why they are uncomfortable with what you said. The thing is that you recognize that you have pushed the button, but then how do you get unstuck and really talk? You made me think. Thank you.
Dear Reader:
Thanks for the compliments. I'm glad the article was thought-provoking for you. When you recognize that you have pushed a button, it's very important to stop trying to get your point across from that moment on. All your attention has to shift to finding out what went wrong. Often it's enough just to say "What?" or "You look like you have a question" (question is better than problem) or, "Is this making sense to you?" Any non-threatening question will usually get a response, especially if your listener is not afraid he or she will be critcized, argued with or get you angry by telling the truth. This may not be as easy with a sullen spouse or teenager, but it will still work if you ramp up your patience (For more information about this, read "Practicing Patience" and "Guidelines for Being Understood" .) If the other person is less verbal than you are, you may need to allow time to formulate and articulate his or her thoughts. Basically, if you leave room for your listener's response and opinion, you'll usually find out what is going on.
You'd be surprised at how often couples come into my counseling office with one saying "he (or she) won't talk to me" and within five minutes I have the "silent" partner talking up a storm. For more about getting your partner to open up, read How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition
For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]
Dr. Romance writes: Most of us put a lot of emphasis on our relationships: family, friends and significant others. But, did you know that the relationship you have with everyone else is based on your relationship with you? That’s right, the closer you get to other people, the more you treat them the way you treat yourself. That makes your relationship with you your primary relationship.
Growing up in less than perfect families, most of us have learned dysfunctional relating to some degree. We tend to treat ourselves as we were treated within the family, in school, in church, and by peers. We relate to ourselves as we learned to relate to the people around us. For example, if someone in Susie's family had frightening emotional explosions, and the whole family was afraid, then she is liable to be afraid of her own feelings today. In this way, the atmosphere of early childhood is carried forward into adult life.
The key to solving the problem lies in creating a functional system. In my many years of counseling individuals and couples, the evidence I've seen has convinced me believe that healing begins within the self.
The first step is to correct internal dysfunction; to learn to deal with self directly and honestly, for each of us to face our internal truth. The human mind is very beautiful, very complex -- nothing short of a miracle. Our thinking is so complex, that it is possible to have several "voices" inside, each holding different opinions simultaneously! We constantly hear a rational voice, an emotional voice, and voices of people who were influential -- all holding forth. No wonder it's easy to become confused.
Most of the clients who come to me have a virtual battle going on inside. Blaming, defending, making excuses, resisting, are all going on at once within a single person's mind. All of these "voices", these varying levels of thought and opinion, must be sorted out. They each need to be heard individually -- so you can find out what the fight is about. Then you can act as a mediator for them, getting each "voice" to be a part of the whole, so that all your varying opinions of what must be done are resolved and working together. If your internal struggle is too intense as a result of abuse or addiction you may need the help of a therapist or a support group to work through it.
As you do this, you'll recognize the source of some of the "voices". For example -- "Oh yeah, that's my Mom, criticizing everything I do, never satisfied. Wow, I didn't realize I was doing that to myself! She's been dead 10 years!" Understanding that the running commentary in your mind is not actually your Mom, just your learned imitation of her, is very important.
Once you realize the source, the "voice" needs to be corrected. It's necessary to have a self-examining voice, it will keep you growing and learning. However, the voice doesn't need to be hostile, demanding, or relentless. It can be kind, encouraging and supportive. For example: "I did a good job at work today. I'm getting better and better at sales. When I talk to Joe next time, though, I'm going to be a little more low key, ask him about his family, I think I overwhelmed him by coming on too strong."
The goal is to create a functional "committee" out of the mental struggle. When this is achieved, it is then possible to feel upset about something, sympathize with the part of your mind that's upset, and still be thinking calmly about the solution to the problem. Amazing!
Knowing how to talk to yourself about your problems is a true blessing. How often have you wished for "someone to talk to" about something? How often have you been willing to be that "someone" for another person? Just as an experiment, try getting your capacity to listen and support together with your need to be heard and supported. You'll find out it works!
I know, it sounds, well, weird. That's the dysfunction in the society talking. It's not weird , it's healthy. Knowing I can and will ‘be there’ for myself is at the heart of self-esteem. As you understand how to respond to yourself, you’ll create a role model for healthy relationships with others: friends, family, lovers, and colleagues. You’ll also recognize the others who are willing to relate to you in a healthy manner, and be capable of relating to them in the same way.
As you become totally honest with yourself, you’ll learn to catch many of the nasty relationship surprises before they happen. You’ll instinctively know when you’re being lied to, and it won't work on you. You’ll clearly see the difference between love and dependency, and choose to love and be loved. You’ll be able to recognize and stay out of relationship drama, because you’ll know that healthy people can be honest, ask for what they want, and accept “no” for an answer.
The more self-supporting and functional you become, the less you lean too heavily on anyone else. Relationships become mutual, with a balance between supporting yourself and others. No one needs to avoid you because you do not demand what others are not prepared to give. You can get what you need from yourself, and enjoy what others want to freely give.
Does it sound good? To create this change, begin by rebuilding the critical, negative voice in your head, until it is giving you the kind of support you always wanted, like a friend who loves and supports you. Take other people off the hook, and you'll be free to have a new kind of relationships. As you see others more objectively, and less from the perspective of your needs, you'll see them differently, and love and forgiveness will become available, for yourself and for them.
(c) Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction
For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]
Dr. Romance Wishes a blessed holiday season to everyone
Dear Dr. Romance,
I am in my late 20's and single. My problem is that I am in love with a man (who is the same age as I am) who reciprocates my feelings, but when we start getting close he backs completely off. When we run into one another while we are out with friends we talk and it is like we are alone in the room. I know he has strong feelings for me, but he just won't commit. He has had troubled relationships in the past, and I feel like those past relationships are the reason he won't let himself stay close to me. Meanwhile, I can't get over him and move on because every single time I think I am, I randomly run into him (he doesn't know I am going to be there either). I want more than anything to have a committed relationship with this man, but I don't know how. Any suggestions???
Dear Reader:
Have you tried asking him to do something that is non-threatening? Maybe to show you how to do something on your computer, or to improve your workout at the gym? Do you know what he's good at, or interested in? Does he play a sport? What if you and a few friends showed up to watch him play a game? Perhaps one of your friends could invite both of you to go with a group to do something -- like a movie.
You need to find something that says "let's be friends" and take the romantic pressure off. He shouldn't feel pressured to commit. He doesn't know you well enough yet. You might be scaring him off by wanting too much, too soon. Relax, focus on being his friend, and being fun and pleasant to be around. Read "Where is Love?" for more ideas. Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will give you many ideas for non-threatening ways to get to know this man.
For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]
Dear Dr. Romance:
Maybe you can give me some advice. I am 18. My relationship with my girlfriend ended with her leaving me. She said that we could remain friends. This happened over a month ago. My ex-girlfriend and I have remained friends. She has a new boyfriend and she seems happy. I am happy for her. We still see each other as friends and I am still invited to her house. This question involves her single mother. From dating my ex-girlfriend I have gotten to know her mom well. She is a very nice woman and very attractive. The other night I was invited by my ex-girlfriend to a dinner at her house. She, her new boyfriend, myself, and her mother were there. Her mom cooked. It was a nice meal and a fun time. After the dinner my ex-girlfriend and her boyfriend left for their date. I offered to stay and help clean up. Her mother was happy for the help. After we got done cleaning up the kitchen from the meal I asked her if she would like a massage. She said "yes". I gave her a good rub down. It seemed to relax her and she seemed to enjoy it
very much. It also gave us a chance to talk more which I enjoyed. I also enjoyed the feeling of her warm and smooth skin. After it was over she thanked me with a passionate kiss. I would really like to have sex with her. Do you think there is a chance given the fact of the difference in our ages and the fact that I was a boyfriend of her daughter? How can I let her know of my desire? Perhaps asking if she would like another massage would give us a chance to talk about this. How can I make this request to her?
Dear Reader:
You are a brave guy, to consider walking into this hornet's nest. I don't think you have to worry about your ex-girlfriend's mom wanting to have sex with you. What worries me is what happens when her daughter finds out. You could be caught in a really nasty dysfunctional family trap. But you didn't ask whether I think you should, so If you want to do it anyway, you're of age, so you can just offer her another massage. If you move into the erotic zones with your massaging, and she doesn't stop you, then she's saying "yes." Proceed slowly, and if she responds, and doesn't say "no" she's probably wanting to go ahead. At that point, if you're not sure, ask her if it's OK with her to have sex. If you do have sex, make sure you're using a condom -- you don't want to get caught in an even worse tangle than this one. Read my article "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship" (see previous post) and please be careful -- situations like this can become very painful. Personally, I think you'd be better off reading It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction and finding someone more suitable
For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]
Dear Dr. Romance:
I want to thank you for the article you wrote "Age Differences in Relationships" I've been dating a guy that is 6 years younger than me (he's 20 and i'm 26) for about 10 months now and I've felt so guilty that i'm "robbing the crib" or a "cougar"...I haven't told anyone i'm in this relationship out of fear of their reaction due to the age difference.
Reading the article i felt a bit better about it because i know we are together for the right reasons and not as a fling. I really like how you express in your article that one should start concentrating on the age and rather look at the relationship, hopefully i can start to do more of that in my relationship.
Dear Reader:
I'm glad you found the article helpful. I don't think a six year difference is significant. What's important is that you form a partnership, with mutual respect and caring. To make your relationship successful please read Couples Can Cooperate for Success; Creating Unconditional Love; and Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner. You might also find my book: How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free will help you to create the relationship you want. I wish you good fortune in your relationship.
For low-cost counseling, email me at [email protected]
