I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for 10 months. We were planning on getting married. We have never had a fight and he has been fantastic. Now comes my issue. His mother doesnt like me. She has never liked anyone he has been with and will withdraw herself from his life if he makes a decision she doesn't like. Granted the woman has been abused any way possible from childhood but she wants to control his happiness also. She has been ill and is now recovering again at his house which I don't mind. We are suppose to take care of our families. I just dont want to be pushed out in the process. By the way she doesn't like me because I am pushy and have been so nice. My genuine concern and compassion are pushy to her. I love him more than I thought possible. I am being a fool? Thank you.
Dear Reader:
You and your future husband must find a way to agree on the boundaries he sets with his mother. Your being nice might be seen by her as threatening, so why not back off? You don't have to be pushy with her -- give her space. Give her what I call an "adult time out" and back off to being polite but very cool. Let her make the moves between you and her. Read my articles "Mirrors and Teachers" and "Peace Begins at Home" and "Setting Boundaries" for some tips and techniques. At the same time you do that, you and your fiancé must set some limits. He needs to assert himself, and tell her that you are going to be in his life, no matter what. She is not going to withdraw herself for long -- she needs him. If she sees she can't control him by threatening to cut him off, she'll drop that tactic. The single most important thing is that you and he be a team, not you against them. Work on developing a partnership with him. Use the tips in the article "Couples Can Cooperate for Success". Perhaps you two can read it together. You'll also find How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free very helpful for learning how to negotiate and hold your ground.