Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: Should he rent a room in his ex's house?

Dear Dr. Romance,

Should a man expect a woman to want to become involved with him when he is still best friends with is ex-lover--and he is a renter in her house? He claims it is all over between them, but I don't see how he or the ex-lover should expect a woman to feel comfortable fitting into this arrangement. Please, I would love some perspective.

Dear Reader:

There's a lot of information I need to know before I can advise you. If he and his ex have been done with their relationship for a long time, yes, it might be OK. Exes in themselves are not a threat; it's the nature of the friendship with the ex that could be a problem. Do they still have a romantic/sexual relationship?

The fact that he's still friends with his ex actually could be a good thing; it probably means he didn't do anything awful in that relationship. The question is, do you trust him? Do you know him well enough?

Take your time, go slowly, and make friends with his ex. If you're close to her, you'll be able to see what's going on. If you actually care about him, then it's worth it to check things out. If you don't like what he's doing, don't expect him to leave his ex or end the friendship. It won't happen, and he'll hate you for it. If you make him choose, you'll be the one to go.  "Handling The Green-Eyed Monster" will teach you everything you need to know to handle your jealousy. "How to be Irresistible to Your Mate" and "No Cooperation? Solve it Yourself" will show you what to do to solve the relationship problems.    How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free will teach you the skills you need to know to make your relationship a success.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Can I have a life partner?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am living alone. I've been told I am sexually weak. Can I have a  life partner?   How long will it take?  I need care and protection, and to know what my choices are. How can I be fruitful to society and mankind?  Is my life worth anything? Tell me the truth.  Believe me I can keep my cool. I am mentally stable and happy. 

Dear Reader:

Stop focusing on being 'sexually weak" whatever that means, and start making friends. You're keeping yourself lonely by obsessing on not having a relationship, when what you really need to to is learn to relate to people and make friends. Once you have a circle of friends, and you're not so desperate, you'll find that finding a relationship is much easier.  "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends " and "Where is Love?" will help you develop relationships to resolve your loneliness. The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before 40  will help you find companionship, and figure out how to be "fruitful" to yourself, society and mankind.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I just miss her a lot

Dear Dr. Romance:

I found your article about women dating younger men. So, here I'm in a middle of a crisis... hope you can read it and hope you can give some advise. I'm 30, with a promising career and a stable job.

A year ago, I met a woman, who's seven years older and has 3 kids. I've been dating her since then... we shared EVERYTHING, she used to be my best friend, my partner, my lover and the only one who can makes me breathless... Yes, I'm in love!!!
 
So, the last moth everything just finished, without a reason just told me she needed some time. And here I'm... hopeless. Sometimes I think she found someone else and doesn't dare to tell me. And I don't understand why... I used to be her support, emotional and financially.... just took care of everything, I mean everything.
 
I don't have to tell you how do I feel... I'm not in the mood to work, to spend time with my friends... just miss her a lot... A LOT!! Anyway, I'm just looking for a professional opinion.

Dear Reader:

Seven years isn't that big an age gap, no matter who's older.  Without talking to your girlfriend, I can't be positive, but I'm guessing she is feeling smothered. Is it possible that she thinks you're trying to control her by sharing all her time, and giving her so much? Maybe she doesn't want you to take care of everything.   If she's tried to talk to you about that, it may have been subtle, because she didn't want to hurt your feelings; but if you didn't get it, then she probably felt she had no other option than to ask for 'space.' 

Your best bet is to get on with your life, and give her more space than she's asking for.  Let her make the next several moves. When she contacts you (and she will) don't go running back until the two of you have discussed how to repair the relationship, and you know what she wants and doesn't want from you.  You can't create a loving relationship all by yourself. The two of you have to be equally involved, and have equal say if you want the relationship to work. Everyone needs a little personal space from time to time.

 "Stupid Cupid"  will give you guidelines for discussing the important points of relationships, and "Couples Can Cooperate For Success" will show you how to make a more equal relationship.  Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will give you exercises and formats for discussions which will help you understand each other.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on how Couples Can Cooperate for Success

Dr. Romance writes:  You have probably entered relationships madly in love, convinced that your feelings for each other were so strong your dream would carry you through the tough times, but wound up feeling more like you were living in a nightmare than a dream, struggling with conflicting wants and needs. If you don’t know how to work together effectively to solve the conflict, the resulting frustration, anger and battles make the relationship more and more unpleasant and difficult to sustain. As a therapist, I know that couples need to know how to solve problems together successfully, and to work together as a team rather than struggle. A major part of my life work is helping couples learn to work together to develop a partnership that supports love and intimacy. To reach people beyond my immediate area, coauthor Riley K. Smith and I wrote two books on this subject: How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free explains how relationships can be cooperative and focused on the satisfaction of both partners.    How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together  is a step-by-step guide to help you learn the skills of problem solving and cooperation. 

Couples without teamwork skills fight about money, sex, affection, time, infidelity, in-laws, raising children, housekeeping, or other problems, often repeating the same old arguments, without any resolution, or locked in habitual ways of relating that they think they "should" do, but that create dissatisfaction and struggle between them. Struggles like this are not inevitable.

Learning good relationship skills (communication, cooperation, knowing and saying what you want, overcoming destructive habits, breaking out of rigid patterns that don't work, counteracting unrealistic expectations, and creating new ideas) enables you to:

* Make room in the relationship for individual differences, preferences and tastes.
* Recognize and solve problems to your mutual satisfaction.
* Keep your individual emotional issues from creating partnership problems.
* Solve both individual and relationship problems.
*Identify old relationship patterns that were dysfunctional, addictive or abusive, and to develop healthy alternatives.
* Discuss changes and conflicts and find ways to accommodate them.
* Identify and examine the "traditional relationship" models to see what aspects of them are relevant to your partnership, and what you need to change to develop a new model of partnership that works for you.

With good communication and negotiation skills, any couple can create satisfying, loving intimacy. When you and your partner know how to cooperate, you can build a partnership in which you:

* Give and take equally.
* Are committed to mutual satisfaction.
* Face problems rather than avoiding them.
* Work together toward mutual satisfaction.
* Feel like a team.
* Treat each other's feelings, wants and needs as important.
* Share thoughts and feelings freely.
* Encourage each other and create excitement as well as comfort and security.
* Feel comfortable, satisfied, stimulated, and thus secure in the relationship.
* Have confidence that your relationship will last.

There is a pervasive myth that somehow happy couples just agree on everything automatically all the time. Believing this myth, we enter relationships convinced that whatever problems or differences we have with our partners will be easy to solve. But, in reality, the individuals who make up a partnership will disagree frequently, and often struggle over even minor issues.

In the course of building and sustaining a lifetime relationship, every couple encounters many problems. Different backgrounds and experience, discordant perception of each other and events, unequal rates of education and growth, conflicting needs for self-expression and contact, and differing values and beliefs about relationships complicate and often block attempts at creating partnership together.

Relationship models based on the idea that one person must lead and the other follow, or one "win" and the other "lose" can easily become power struggles, where the partners fight bitterly. Each partner struggles to be in control, or they avoid disagreements altogether because it isn't worth the struggle. Hence they spend a lot of their time either fighting for what they want or feeling deprived.

The belief that someone has to be in charge of the relationship causes couples to compete for power rather than cooperate. Otherwise loving partners can struggle because they believe it’s the way to get their needs met. Between partners in intimate relationships competition becomes stressful, counter-productive and toxic, poisoning the relationship by turning us into adversaries, and undermining the mutual support and encouragement vital to satisfactory relationships.

Differences can be frightening, and make resolving problems and conflicts with our intimate partners tense and difficult. In a relationship intimate enough that we feel a deep bonding or sense of commingled identity, it’s easy to experience disagreements as threatening. Disagreeing seems to indicate we are separate individuals who perceive everything differently, and have different needs and wants, and we fear that we'll be rejected or disapproved of if we are different.

Sometimes relationship problems are only indirectly connected to your partnership: your car breaks down, your kids need to get to school, your boss is difficult to get along with. These issues become partnership problems because you bring their effects, big and small, home (into the relationship) with you. Anger at your unreasonable boss can quickly become a difficult evening with your partner if you bring your frustration home, are irritable, and the two of you wind up arguing unnecessarily.

While this feels unfair and inappropriate, in real life it happens frequently. Unskilled couples easily become tangled in a web of blaming, hurt and anger and, after years of similar unresolved conflicts, can build a backlog of bitterness that can't be healed.

Some problems are directly related to your relationship: you fight about housework, time, money, child care or sex. One or both of you becomes hurt or angry. For couples who don’t know how to cooperate, such issues can escalate into a big problem or accumulate over time. When problems cause friction and never get resolved, they undermine an otherwise loving and viable partnership.

Only recently have psychologists and sociologists begun to discuss the elements of effective decision making. Among other discoveries, they found that decision making (even in business) is more effective when everyone contributes their views of priorities, needs, wants, goals, and their thoughts about possible solutions. This cooperative approach means that both contribute their understanding to the problem (which often makes it clearer) and both feel involved in the process and committed to the success of the solution they agree upon.

In cooperative negotiation, both parties attempting to resolve a conflict or make a decision involving them can negotiate so that both get what they want . By working together, you can learn to solve the problems of the past (I'm afraid we'll fight about money like my first wife and I did); the present (I don't think I'm getting a fair share of the housework) and the future (what will we do if I lose my job?). Instead of being a struggle or something to avoid, solving such problems becomes an opportunity to re-affirm your mutual love and caring, and to strengthen your partnership and teamwork. © 2018 Tina B. Tessina

Adapted from: How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition and How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together
     

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: We Still Love Each Other, but I don't know

Dear Dr. Romance:

i need some relationship advise really bad bad. Can you help??  I really need help, See, I cheated on my boyfriend of 4 years And he found out and forgave me! And he went out And slept with 3 girls that night is it possible for us to still work? We love each other but I don't know.

Dear Reader

Yes, you can, but you both have to do a lot of growing up.  You can do that  if you both follow these steps:

Dr. Romance's 3 tips for getting over affairs:  

If you or your partner have had an affair, it doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship. If both of you are prepared to work through the problems, the following tips can help you move through the process.

1. Fess up – learn to listen and talk with each other: If you're serious about fixing the problems in your relationship, it's crucial that you both begin to face each other honestly and openly. Most of the time, affairs occur because the communication and intimacy in the relationship have broken down. It's time to take an honest look at what went wrong. You may need professional help from a counselor or therapist to open up your communication, but it's the only way to repair the damage done.

2. Fix Problems: Once the problems have been identified, be willing to make the changes that will fix them. Doing things the same way you always have will give you the same results. Again, it may take the objectivity of a counselor to help you figure out what changes are needed.

3. Forgive: As long as you're stuck in blaming each other and defending yourself, or repeating the same old behavior, you won't be able to move forward. Forgiving each other doesn't mean condoning what happened, or that it would be OK if it happened again. What it does mean, is that you're willing to close that chapter and move on. Your therapist can help you understand and create mutual forgiveness.

"After Infidelity—Stay or Go?" will help the two of you decide whether to stay together. "Apology and Forgiveness" will give you more information to help you heal the relationship. Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed  will help you learn to be more responsible in your relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: She doesn't believe that I'm trying to find a job.

Dear Dr. Romance:

My wife she will get angry very easily. Even for simple things she gets very angry. She always tells me to leave her and she wants to live with her family especially with her mother. She tells me she doesn't want to live and mostly she hurts her self. The biggest problem is my job. I earn very small salary and I'm trying to get a good job but she doesn't believe that I'm trying to find a job

Dear Reader:

It sounds like your wife may have some reasons to be angry. If she's saying she wants to leave, things are very bad. If it's so important to her that you get a good job, have you asked her to help you? If you work together to figure out how you can get better work, she'll know you're really doing something about it. Just telling her you're trying to get a job may not be believable.

She may be getting angry because she's frustrated with your money problems.   "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" and "From Struggling to Solving" have a lot of information you and your wife can use to learn how to work together. Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed  will give you many tools you can use to stop fighting and start solving problems.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Can you make your wife fall in love again?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I would like to know if it's possible to make your wife fall in love with you again? She just recently announced to me that she wanted to go our separate ways. I am devastated we have 2 kids together and she told me that she just grew apart from me. I'm madly in love with her and don't want to get separated. What can i do?

Dear Reader,

I'm curious how a man who loves his wife so much could not notice you were growing apart. Apparently, you need to learn to listen to your wife more closely. Usually, women say they're unhappy in many ways before they reach the point of leaving. I hope it's not too late, and she hasn't formed an attachment to someone else.

 Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner, and How to be Irresistible to Your Mate will help you communicate better. Ask your wife if she'll talk to you.  Ask her if she'll go to counseling with you. If she will, spend your time listening carefully.  

Don't focus on how much you love her.  What you think is loving may not come across that way to her.   Find out what you did wrong, or what you didn't do right, and don't argue with her. Apologize, and ask her if she is willing to start over. Then, make the necessary changes. Read Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely. You need a counselor to help you communicate with each other. Don't tell her why she shouldn't leave. Don't defend yourself, or explain yourself. Just listen. Got it?  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together  can teach both of you better communication skills, which you need to build a happier and more satisfying relationship. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will help you understand what a mutually loving relationship is.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Setting Boundaries and Saying No

Dr. Romance writes:

Knowing how to set appropriate boundaries can make the difference in whether or not your relationship succeeds. The topic frequently comes up in my counseling office, and most people think boundaries are set by telling other people what the limits are. But boundaries are really something you must create within yourself. Having the confidence to say “no” to another is one important aspect of creating boundaries; but it begins by knowing what you do and don’t want.

Setting Boundaries and Taking Space

When one or both partners don't get enough space or don't feel heard, their relationship will develop signs of trouble:
  • One partner becomes a resentful caretaker, while the other feels oppressed and belittled.
  • One will be alert to the moods of the other; often walking on eggshells not to upset the other.
  • One may threaten to leave in order to get his or her way.
  • One wants more together time and the other wants more space.

These differences can create resentment, hurt and power struggles.

When a couple struggles, the flow of love between them is blocked; even when they truly love one another. On the other hand, a couple who understand boundaries and who are committed to equality and mutual satisfaction are far more likely to create love and partnership they deeply treasure.

Each person has individual needs for closeness and personal space as well as other needs to feel nurtured, understood and autonomous within a relationship. Some want the freedom to be close and comforted; others want the freedom to be autonomous and unfettered. It’s essential that you and your partner each know your own needs and wants, communicate them, and then understand each other. Knowing what you want and what you feel are skills essential to creating a mutually satisfying intimate relationship. In counseling, I use the tennis match metaphor to help couples understand and honor each others' needs for space.

To keep your relationship in balance, especially if it's new, neither you nor your partner should do all the calling, all the planning, all the talking, all the giving, and all the chasing. Instead, you need to learn to toss the responsibility and power back and forth like a tennis ball.

This can begin in the earliest stages of dating or making a new friend. Begin by making a move to show the other person you're interested in being close, then sit and wait for your partner to make a move in return. For example, make a phone call to invite him or her for coffee, or to join a group going to the movies, and then, let him or her make the next invitation. You can do the same thing in an already established relationship—if you feel taken for granted, just back off a little, without drama, and your partner will move toward you. If you feel overwhelmed by your partner being too aggressive, step up and take the lead, or say a simple “no, thank you” (see below).

The idea is to establish a balance in your relationship, which can be difficult to do if you have a strong interest in the other person, or the two of you have developed an unbalanced interaction. Coming on too strong in the relationship may push the other person away, or may disguise a lack of enough interest on the other person's part. Don't keep hitting balls over the net if they're not returned. On the other hand, if you never hit the ball, but always wait for the other person to do it, you aren't playing a very good tennis game, either. It's essential that you do your part, because passivity is easily interpreted as a lack of interest, and can shut communication down. If you compare what has gone on in the relationship so far to a tennis game, you will quickly see if you've been either too passive or too aggressive.

The Tennis Match: Volleying the Conversation

The tennis match is so central to balancing all your relationships and allowing them to find their appropriate levels that I've developed some guidelines you can use to understand and promote intimacy. Following the guidelines will help you and your partner understand each others’ needs and wants, and create natural boundaries that feel comfortable. It will give both of you the space and balance needed to show you are interested in what each other is saying, and want to hear more. Whether you're online, on the phone, or face to face, you need to keep the conversation going back and forth—what I call the tennis match.

Tennis Match Guidelines for Understanding your Partner
  • Take Turns: Leave room for your partner to open topics, to express opinion, to gather thoughts and express opinions. Don't jump right in to a silence if it's not your turn.
  • Concentrate: Listen carefully to what your partner is saying -- don't wander off mentally into what you want to say next.
  • Volley (Respond): After your partner says something, respond directly to it, letting him or her know that you heard and understood what was said, and, if possible that you have similar thoughts or experience.
  • Don’t Argue: There is definitely a place for spirited discussion in good conversation, but be careful not to get too oppositional. Your objective is to establish understanding.
  • Return the Serve: At the end of whatever you say, invite a response by adding “don't you think?” or “What do you think?” or, make your response a question.
  • Serve Again: If your partner drops the ball, ask a question about something that was said before, and give your partner plenty of time to express his or her opinion.

If your tennis match goes on long enough, you’ll learn a lot about each other, and you'll both feel you have “so much to talk about.” The tennis game approach is not rigid, but a flexible attitude that you can adapt to almost any situation.

Saying No
When you encounter a partner who is two aggressive, and overwhelms you with too many words, too much emotion and drama, or too much attention, you need to learn to set limits. If you’re interested in keeping the relationship going, you also need to learn to step up and hit the ball in your partner’s direction. Learning to say ‘no’ or even to be silent in a neutral way is not necessarily easy, but is essential for avoiding uncomfortable situations. Be polite, but firm when you say “no, thank you” and you will stop the other person from imposing on you. Often, saying nothing is the best tactic. Wait until your blustery partner runs out of steam, and then you can make your statement.

If no question is actually asked, you needn't volunteer, no matter how sad the story is. If a direct question is asked, you can learn to be polite, and say “I'm so sorry, but I can't.” If that's too difficult, say you have to check with someone else (your calendar, your spouse, your kids, your boss, your pets) or think about it before you answer. If you have trouble saying no in person, use e-mail or call when you know the other person will be out, and leave a polite refusal on their voice mail. Often, saying no is an unconscious test. If you feel unsure about whether you're being respected, valued, or cared about, you may feel like saying “no.” After you say no, if your refusal is handled with respect, caring and consideration, your questions may disappear, and you may change your mind.

Run through a scene of a situation in which you want to say “no,” for example with a demanding neighbor, partner or relative, and practice saying “no” several different ways in your imagination. Watch in TV and movies for examples of people saying “no” with grace and dignity (you can find them, if you look) and imitate them.
(c) 2025 Tina Tessina: Adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together  and Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Is she bipolar or what?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm in need of some help. My partner has had some emotional problems and I don't know what they are. is she bipolar or what else? She gets angry about everything and is very negative, she is very insecure and thinks I don't love her even if I told her 10 mins before. She says she needs my constant attention (every sec and means it.) If I don't focus on her she thinks that I don't love her or need her. She thinks I'm falling out of love with her all the time even if I tell her it's not true. She tells me that I need to speak sweet to her all the time and if I don't something's wrong. She overexaggerates everything. If a car moves slightly over by her lane she says they are trying to run her off the road. I have to talk the way she wants or she starts to fight with me. If I say something its really bad but if she says it its ok. This is really hard to deal with. What's wrong with her? I'm starting to think maybe its me who is not thinking right? please help???'

Dear Reader:

It's difficult to tell without talking to your partner directly, but the situation does sound serious. Your partner sounds very anxious, perhaps paranoid. Is counseling available where you are? It's important that both you and your partner get some help. If counseling isn't possible, try talking to a doctor, religious leader or trusted family member. It won't help to fight with your partner, instead it's important that you remain calm. If you become anxious and agitated too, it will increase her anxiety.  "Handling Anxiety Effectively" may help, but do get some help. This is probably too big for you to handle alone. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find an appropriate therapist.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will explain the origins of some difficult behavior.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm struggling with dismissing bad behavior

Dear Dr. Romance:

You state in the article "You Be the Judge":  "Somehow, a lot of my clients seem to have taken way too seriously the idea that we aren’t supposed to think badly of people. Instead of using good judgement about whether to allow someone in their lives, they make excuses and feel responsible."

Do any of your books or blogs cover this topic? I am struggling with dismissing bad behavior and really could use some guidance from one of your books or blog.

Dear Reader:

Good for you for wanting to change your own behavior. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has a lot of info about not choosing a jerk to begin with. like this:

Once you're bonded with someone, it's very painful to let go.  Since most of us like to avoid our feelings, we don't want to do the grieving that's necessary to let go.  But, when you've had a loss, there are a certain number of  tears you must cry to let go -- getting on with the crying is the fastest way. Even if the dissolution of the relationship was your idea, you may be clinging to a dream -- in denial.  A bad relationship can become like an addiction – a difficult habit to break, because you are emotionally attached, and the attached part of you wants to keep trying, while the rational part knows you need to let go.
We also have a lot of cultural mythology about "I'll never stop loving you" and that clinging  and martyring to a toxic love means you are truly in love.  Clinging to a toxic love is immature, to begin with.  A relationship is a partnership, and requires work on both lovers' parts in order to succeed.  The initial romance stage isn't supposed to last, the relationship is supposed to grow into a real life partnership, and  that requires paying attention, learning and growth.  It's not a fairy tale-- it's a real life love story, and well worth the work required.  If you give nothing, you get nothing; but you can’t be the only one giving.  Your partner must be acting in ways that make the relationship better, not worse, also.  Sometimes, a toxic partner doesn't really want to be with you, but who either doesn't want to 'hurt you' or is still getting benefits (sex without commitment, you do the laundry, you're willing to take the kids more than your share) that he doesn't want to jeopardize. 

Block your ex on the phone, on Facebook, and other social media sites. If you keep looking at his Facebook page, or letting him contact you, you are not grieving and letting yourself heal and move on. 

If you gave it your best shot, and you know it's over, or if it never really got started, don't waste time in resentment and anger. Learn to let go. If you’re dumping a badly behaved cheater/jerk, be careful.  Jerks often throw temper tantrums when they don’t get what they want, so break up from a distance.  I often advise clients who need to break up with an abusive or violent partner or a stalker to break up via e-mail, to be safer. 

If you find you have real reason to doubt this person, and there are real problems, such as lying, severe money problems, a history of alcohol abuse, violence, many past relationship problems, a criminal record, reports of illegal activities, or drug use, do not make excuses, and do not accept promises of change.  Change is difficult, and will take a lot of time. Mere promises, no matter how well intended, are not sufficient.  Get out of this relationship before you are any more attached, or any more degraded, than you are now. If your partner decides to get help, let him do it because he or she knows they need it, not to get you back. That’s not a strong enough motive to keep him committed to change.

To dump a jerk, don’t be kind.  He won’t get it.  Be clear, say “It’s over” in no uncertain terms, ask him not to contact you,  and then cut him off.  Don’t answer phone calls, e-mails, etc.  If you do, you’ll give him cause to think he can badger you into coming back.  If he shows up, don’t let him in.  If you have to call the police to get rid of him, do it.  He’s a spoiled brat, and he needs to know you mean what you say.

Know the signs of emotional blackmail:
1. A demand.  Your date won’t take “no” for an answer, and requests are really demands.
2. Resistance.  When every discussion turns into an argument.
3. Pressure.  Your date pressures you to go along.
4. Threats.  Your date uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to end the relationship, tears, rage, badgering.
5. Compliance. If you give in, you’re setting a dangerous precedent.  Your date now knows you can be pressured into giving in to him or her, and this will increase the intensity of what your date is willing to do to pressure you.
6. Repetition.  An obsessive person will go through these previous five steps over and over, wearing you down each time. The easiest thing is to be sure when you say “no”, it means no.

For more information and skills for how to avoid toxic relationships, please read: 
How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship 
Setting Boundaries and Saying No 
Romance is Not Necessarily Love 
How to Avoid Loving a Jerk 
Avoiding The Drama Triangle 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Can you program the subconscious?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I saw the articles on your site and I would like to know if you  can ´´program´´ the subconscious mind to win a X salary per month, even if the subconscious mind is programmed to attract money.

Dear Reader:

We have a brain mechanism psychologists call "preparatory set." It's one of the mechanisms the mind uses to sort through the enormous amounts of data that flow in daily, and keep it manageable. By writing down the things you want to accomplish and making them clear, you can "program" that mechanism. Once programmed, it directs your attention to certain events and occurrences.

To illustrate: When you decide you want a certain car (an SUV, a hybrid or a certain brand of truck) you see that model everywhere, you notice every one on the freeway, you see every ad or commercial. Preparatory set works that way. Once you program it with your goals (visualizing in addition to writing is most effective) you will automatically be more aware of certain events, opportunities and people who can be helpful. You'll also be more clear about what you want, and this will sneak into your conversation and your general attitude, where others can pick up on it. It's not really magic, unless you believe as I do, that the mind is a miracle in itself.

The more specific you can be in programming the subconscious, the better it works. Use pictures, not just numbers. When you get that certain salary, what will you do with it? Create visual pictures of your lifestyle with that salary. The subconscious has been described as a "mail-order desk" If you don't tell the order desk exactly what you want, you run a chance of getting the wrong thing.  "Patterns of Change" will give you more information about programming your subconscious, and The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs explains in more detail how you can work with your subconscious mind.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on dealing with disappointment

Dr. Romance has heard a lot of whining and complaining lately, so I thought I'd give you some tips on dealing with disappointment:

OK, so you're disappointed.  Your dream has ended in the trashbin.  So, after you get finished with laying on the floor, kicking your heels, and screaming; or going on a drunken binge, or beating someone up, or hiding out, you find you're still disappointed, and all that acting out hasn't fixed anything Now what do you do?

Disappointment is a dead-end in your road. Now you need to figure out a new direction.  Here are some Do's and Don'ts to help you:

DO put it in perspective: If you're disappointed, it hurts, but your life is not over.  Look to your future, and see what you can do to make it better.

DO understand that you had some control, but not total control over this: Look at what happened.  What caused your loss?  You can improve your team effort, your skills, your spirit and look forward to the next event.  On the other hand, don't blame yourself for the things you couldn't control.  Take a balanced view.

DON'T give up: No one is a failure until they quit.  Don't quit when you're behind. Instead, get determined to do better.

DO try to learn from the experience: Every disappointment is a teaching moment.  You can learn from whatever went wrong.  Re-play your tapes (mental or actual) of the event, and figure out how you can do better.  For help in learning what you need to change in your understanding of life and relationships, read It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

DON'T expect anyone to sympathize beyond the first few moments: Sympathy is OK for a short while, but it debilitates you in the long run. You'll feel better if you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the game.

If you want to get motivated again, and figure out what to do to succeed, "Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude" will help you move out of the disappointment mode;  "Four Steps to Success" will help you figure out how to get what you want; "Motivation And How to Create It (Good Boss/Bad Boss)"  will help you understand that how you are treating yourself determines how well you deal with disappointment and how easy it is for you to turn it into success.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Should a Mother Push Her Daughter to Contact Her Estranged Father?

Dear Dr. Romance:

If the child has not had a real relationship with her father for many years and does not see him more than 2 times per year, should a mother keep pushing a relationship with the father and child? Will it do more harm than good?

Dear Reader:  

There is no way I can tell from this much information whether the father/daughter contact is helpful or harmful. I assume the daughter does not want contact, if she needs to be pushed. It's important to know why she isn't interested.

You also need to consider legal reasons, such as a court ordered custody agreement, that contact with the father is mandated. If, as you say, it's been many years, your daughter should be old enough to discuss the issue with her father. If there is some reason contact with him would harm her, that is a matter to bring to the court.

"How to Heal a Rift with an Adult Child" will give you some insight into the relationship between your ex and your child.

Dr. Romance’s Guidelines for Co-Parenting after divorce: 

Commonly, everyone feels wounded after a divorce. The divorced parents are going through feelings of failure, rejection, abandonment and loss. The children have similar feelings. All these hurt feelings lead to competitiveness, drama and recriminations. Divorced parents, in sharing custody, can retaliate against each other by making visitation difficult, bad-mouthing the other parent (or the new partner or step-parent) to the children, withholding child support and trying to get the children to deliver inappropriate messages to the other spouse, like "mommy says you didn't dress us right"  

Divorced parents can avoid these scenarios by using the following guidelines:

*Don't React, Respond: When the other parent does something upsetting, take time to cool down before responding, and respond with a possible solution.

* Talk About It to safe people: Talk to other couples, to a therapist, to friends and to family to create more understanding and brainstorm about options. If you can find other couples who have resolved divorce differences, find out what they decided. Let off steam to safe people, so your children don't experience your anger and frustration.

* Explain Your Ex's Point of View: When talking about it to each other, or to someone else who is supportive, explain each other's point of view, which will help you understand.

* Focus on Your Children: Keep your focus on what would be best for your children, and if they are old enough to understand, bring them into the discussion. Don't try to persuade them to either side, but present the options as objectively as you can, and find out what your children think about it.

* Experiment: Be willing to try some experiments. Try it the way the other parent wants it, to see if it works. Try letting the children decide how they want it to be, within reason.

* Avoid Right/wrong Discussions: Arguing about who is right or wrong will not solve anything. Instead, work on understanding what is important to each of you, then finding a way to incorporate that and resolve your differences. Focus on the problem only long enough to understand what it is, then switch the focus of your discussion to what will work, and what will solve the problem that both of you can live with your mutual decision.  

* While the kids are small, still do some family activities with all of you together.  

* Introduce new partners slowly and very cautiously, hopefully time will pass before you do this. Don’t spring a new partner on your spouse or your children. Don’t say “This is your new Stepmother (Stepfather).” That will set you up for disaster.

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman can Make After Forty will show you how to reorganize your life as your daughter matures.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: What Causes One To Constantly Sabotage Oneself?

Dear Dr. Romance:

What causes one to constantly sabotage oneself? Why would someone constantly put up their own roadblocks?

Dear Reader:

Being out of touch with one's own wants and needs is a primary way to self-sabotage. Getting in your own way is all about how you relate your yourself. In addition to not managing your time effectively, there are many ways you can stop yourself from getting the most out of life—not enjoying what you have or have accomplished; not being able to get motivated, or finish what you begin; and having a negative focus, which leads to discouragement, anxiety, despair and even depression.  "Getting Out of Your Way"  and "Detox Your Life" which will help you change many inner roadblocks.  It Ends With You, Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  contains exercises and information to help anyone clear up the unresolved issues that are behind self-sabotage.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I recently discovered numerous women he text messages

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have just read your article "Keys to a Happy Relationship" and would be grateful for some advice. I haven't been with my partner long. We are both in our twenties and we met a few months ago and already live together because it's the only way we could see each other. I moved away from my friends/family to live with him and the first two months were great, apart from me struggling to find work, and money worries. Things started to change after two months when I was bored, unemployed, and he made me feel he wasn't over his ex of 5 years, he has photos on his laptop of them together.

I recently discovered numerous women he text messages, messages on Facebook, dating sites, porn making me feel insecure and paranoid so soon in our relationship.  Although he hasn't arranged to meet the women, it still hurts and he thinks it's not how it looks, I feel betrayed. Him being unhappy with his weight is the reason he uses for him talking to other women as if 'hey gorgeous' makes him feel better and I don't it seems.

I have packed my things 4 times and he won't let me go, and makes me feel I overreact and he promises he will never cheat. I feel that I never wanted to threaten to leave, argue, check phones, worry what he is up to all the time, things have gone bad so quickly and he seems to enjoy messaging female friends, he never earned trust before he broke it and he now wants a last chance, and broke down saying I was the one and he never thought he would be happy again. I do believe he is sorry I just didn't want any woman getting in the way at all never mind this soon, when I message the girls I know it should be him I question, I just want the truth from them not his lies.

Recent row involved me packing, him unpacking, and I hid his phone to check what he is up to he then took my phone to message a male friend of mine pretending to be me being flirty then admitting it wasnt me and threatened him and asked him to stop texting me. Although he was worried what I would find on his phone, he makes me out to be guilty and judges me at his own/his ex standards. He has been cheated on in the past, I haven't, he says he wouldn't risk losing me, and he hadn't moved me here to hurt me. I am so confused and only reason I haven't left is I have a new job here finally and feel I wasted the past few months job hunting, stressed, then start work, find out what he been up to. I know one side to story sounds different but I am really struggling with what to do now... any suggestions?

Dear Reader:

I'm afraid I believe he's playing you. He got you isolated from everyone you're close to, and now he thinks he has power over you, he can do what he wants and talk you out of what you know to be true. Get out and get your own place as soon as you can. Don't ask him: do it behind his back, because he's the type who may turn violent if he thinks he's losing control. Either go back home, or get a place of your own where you are.

When you're safe in your own place, you will have your power back, and you can find out if he can be made to behave. Take a long time to decide whether you can go back to him, and make sure he doesn't control you any more.  "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" and "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship"  which will help you understand the problems in your relationship. Don't make excuses for him. You are in a dangerous situation, and you need to protect yourself. Get yourself in a safer situation as soon as possible.  

When you're ready, Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will have the information you need to find a healthier, happier relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr Romance’s 3 tips to know it's time to let go of your relationship

Dr. Romance writes:

As a counselor, I’ve helped lots of couples solve difficult relationship problems, but it isn’t always possible. If your relationship feels detrimental to your mental, emotional or physical well-being, it's time for a change. If your lover has or develops severe problems such as addiction, mental illness or a tendency to be violent, splitting up may be only way you can protect yourself from physical and emotional harm or financial ruin. If you feel that you may need to take this step, use the following guidelines in making your decision.

Here are three reasons to know it’s time to let it go:

1. Your partner keeps going out of bounds: Your partner is struggling with compulsive behavior --either sexual compulsion to keep having affairs, spending money on porn --or other compulsive behaviors such as gambling, drugs, alcohol or losing money on the stock market. If you’ve caught your spouse out of bounds before, and he or she keeps repeating the behavior, it’s an addiction that’s out of control. If your spouse won’t get proper treatment, or treatment hasn’t worked, leaving the relationship may be your only choice. Paradoxically, leaving an addicted spouse is often the only thing that breaks through the denial.  Get support for yourself and your children through Al-Anon. 

2. Violence, verbal or sexual abuse: If you or your children are subjected to violence, verbal abuse or sexual abuse, it’s important for you to get safety for yourself and your children. Report the abuse, get a restraining order, and get out of the relationship. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, and read my article "Family Violence Q&A" for help.

3. You tried therapy --it didn’t work: If you and your spouse have been to couples’ therapy, given it a good effort, and it didn’t fix the problems or stop your fighting and teach you to communicate, perhaps one or both of you haven’t enough motivation left to stay together. If you haven't gotten therapy, read "Guidelines on Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand what happened, and pick up the pieces of your life.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: no one I meet online wants a serious relationship

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have not had a relationship in 8 years because of a bad relationship. I needed time to heal. My favorite online group has closed, and I miss my friends! Emailing is nice but I miss the discussions and topics of the day.  I have gone back to school and I'm much older than the other students, so I'm looking for a partner online.  I make friends easily because of my friendly nature.  But the problem is, no one I meet online wants a serious relationship; they just want to be friends.   If I was to meet some one on the net I would not be going back home to Atlanta but to where ever this person lived. 

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you lost your online group, but it may be a blessing in disguise. If your healing is not over by now, do yourself a favor and get some therapy. I really think counseling would help you.  There should be some available at school.  Take advantage of it, even though you're older than a lot of students.   Don't let yourself wallow in this any longer.  I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you're busy keeping yourself miserable. You're resisting meeting friends where you can, and  complaining about people "just wanting to be your friend". People you meet online can't be anything but friends, realistically, until you've met them and gotten to know them.  

I think you need friends in real life, both men and women.  And you can do that at school after classes or by joining campus groups.   I'm glad you "make friends easily", but do you keep them for a long time?  There's a big difference between friends who have been around for years and  someone you just met, which I would call an acquaintance.  If making friends is so easy, why aren't you doing it?

Don't make the mistake of thinking you can meet someone online and just move to where they live. You'd have to spend time getting to know a new person face to face first, and you can't just go to where they live to do that.  Meet new friends where you are now.  See my articles "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" and "Where is Love" for more help. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you figure out how to date in person, how to build a social network, and how to find the partner you want.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: What do I need to do to become a therapist?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a 25 year old M.A. student from the Middle East. This year is my final year to have my M.A. degree as a Family specialist to become a family counselor. I saw many things you wrote online as a family and couple therapists and I Loved them all! I was wondering if you could direct me and hear what you have to suggest that I should do after my Masters. Which courses or degrees are best for me to take more to have a wide experience as a family specialist? And I am considering a PhD. program, which program you would suggest the most? What is your PhD. was about? Thank you for your time I would really appreciate it if you could give me answers

Dear Reader:

Congratulations on almost completing your Masters. I know how much work that takes. I don't know if you are in the USA or in the Middle East. I have no information on licensing in the Middle Ease, but I do for here in the USA: When I got my Masters, I was required to have 3,000 hours of counseling under supervision, and then I sat for a California licensing exam, which I passed in 1978. That gave me a license to work as a Marriage, Family Therapist, or psychotherapist. I began a private practice, which I'm still doing today. In 1987, I went back and got a PhD in Counseling Psychology. 

If you want to work as a therapist in your own country, and they have licensing, I suggest you go to the licensing board there to find out their requirements and accepted schools. The best thing you can do is begin doing therapy: as in intern, if that is what your country requires. You'll learn far more on the job than in school.

Find a therapist that you admire and want to learn from, and see if you can work in that practice, under the supervision of that therapist. Get started as soon as possible (if you haven't already) The only way to learn therapy is via a practicum, where therapy begins with the students practicing on each other, and then observing group therapy, then doing group therapy and then individual therapy. What you learn in class is helpful, but therapy is an art you can only learn by practicing.   Find a professional clinician's course taught independently by a therapist you respect. "Ten Things People Don’t Know about Therapy" and "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will give you some insight. 

Here are the guidelines I use when teaching students:

1. Make sure you are effective with clients. Clients who get better are very motivating. It’s more important to help clients heal old trauma then to adhere to a theoretical base. 

2.Work from your heart: trust yourself and your intuition. If you guess wrong, just accept it and go on. In the end, you have to do therapy your own way. Theories and studies are helpful, but less so if they hamper your own style.

3. Identify your preferences, do your best to maximize what you like and minimize what you don’t like. If you don’t like paperwork, get computer programs or secretarial help. If you don’t like working with depression, either don’t see those clients, or get more training so you’ll know how to handle it. If you like working with women, children, couples, etc. focus on that in your practice building.

4. Have a support team of colleagues with whom you can share your therapy experiences as peers.

5. Learn to set solid boundaries. Learn how to say no to intrusive clients, how to keep them in appropriate parts of your life, and not let them take over your free time.

6. Limit your hours to what works for you. Design your own style of working, and make sure your place of work is comfortable to you.

7. Trust that you will get the right clients for your style. Be clear what your own style is, and don’t worry if it doesn’t work for some clients – refer them to someone else. Different clients need different therapy styles.

8.Learn from therapists you respect and admire, with whom you feel comfortable. If you don’t respect a theory or practice style, don’t use it. If you can modify a theory or practice style to suit you, do it.

9. Do your own emotional work. It’s impossible to be effective as a therapist if you haven’t been in the client’s chair. You need to delve deeply into your own subconscious, so that you’ll understand your weaknesses and your strengths, and won’t be blindsided by “dark side” issues when they are triggered.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  presents my process for helping people in recovery heal the associated problems.

 Good luck with your career.  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Although I had to let go, I still care a lot.

Dear Dr. Romance

Your articles are very helpful to me. Can you tell me what book of yours can help me heal from my last relationship. The pain is still there and although I am sure I had to let go, I still care a lot. 

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you're hurting. I know how difficult it can be, even when you were the one who had to let go. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today begins with a chapter about healing from the previous relationship. "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" will help you let go of your grief. When Letting Go is Necessary speaks directly to your question. Don't worry, you can heal this, and these hints might help: 

Dr. Romance on Recovering from a Breakup:

1. When you break up from a significant relationship, you'll go through the classic stages of grief: 

Denial: maybe he'll call again, maybe she didn't really mean it… Or, staying way too long, because you don't want to face that the relationship isn't working.

Anger: If your ex breaks it off, you're going to be upset. Even if you're the one who broke it off, you'll be angry at the loss of your dreams. Sometimes, this anger is what it takes to leave the relationship.

Bargaining: For a dating breakup, I'd call this the rebound stage: I'll show him/her. I'll go find someone else right away. Men usually do this faster than women, but any relationship entered into in this stage usually has problems. In some cases, this is a stage of idealizing the ex.

Depression: Isolating, staying home, not trying anything new. This ends when the real tears start, because the tears are a sign of acceptance.

Acceptance/Rebuilding: This is the stage of new energy, where you decide to do something different, from a new hair cut to building a whole new life. People often do well in therapy here -- figuring out what went wrong, and how not to repeat mistakes, and then find a new love.

2. Gender differences: Men deny their feelings, and go right out on the hunt again. It feels good for a while, but they wind up with bigger problems in the new relationship, because they weren't ready, and they got into it for the wrong reasons. To really feel better, they have to face their own responsibility in past relationships that didn't work, make changes, and begin having relationships on a brand-new basis. Women honor their feelings, sometimes even wallowing in them. However, when they emerge, they're usually stronger and more self-aware. If you get stuck in the wallowing phase, that's a good time to get therapy to reassess how you view yourself and what you want.

3. Getting over the heartache: Don't get too dramatic. It's not anguish, it's grief. You lost something you wanted, it feels bad. It's not cancer or paralysis or death. Learn to grieve and accept the loss, and then build on what you learn to make future relationships more functional and realistic. If you accept the need to learn, and the responsibility for whatever you messed up (including choosing the wrong type of person) you'll have something much better next time.

4. Break off contact with your ex You need time to grieve and reflect, and you can't do that by stalking your ex's Facebook page. Understand that texting and calling work against you, make you look really bad and unattractive, and hurt your self-esteem. If you can't stop, you're codependent and should attend Co-Dependents Anonymous or get therapy. Put reminders away: Pack up all souvenirs, gifts, pictures, and other reminders of the relationship, seal the box (so it's not easy to open) and put them away somewhere until you get past the worst of the loss. Then you can take it out and decide what you want to keep.

5: Fill your time: Reading is very absorbing -- it uses more of your brain than watching TV or listening to music, so it's a good way to take your mind off someone for a short period. However, avoiding the grief is not healthy. Journaling or writing or talking to friends (one reason CoDA works) will help you process the loss: what happened, what you could have done better, what you need to learn about relationships. Take a trip if you can-- or spend some time in another place. See if you can visit your sibling or old friend in another town. It takes you away from reminders. Do some project you've always wanted to do -- climb that hill, learn to snowboard or study Chinese, take up that hobby, write the Great American Novel. Do something useful and productive that will keep your "monkey mind" busy. Volunteer somewhere or join a new social group or sports activity. Working together with other people will feel good, and not be too risky too soon. Besides, it's the best place to (eventually) meet your perfect mate

6. What to avoid:

Do Not: Escape into alcohol, get violent or depressed, attempt suicide, badmouth your ex to everyone you know, sleep for days, hide out and isolate completely (a little alone time is good for reflection -- isolation is a sign of depression.)

How long it takes to get over a breakup really depends more on how attached you were than how long you were together. It also depends on your personal emotional health. If you're resilient, with healthy self-esteem, you'll bounce back quicker. So much drama is out there now about the "excruciating pain" of a breakup, that it takes many people much longer than it should. For a relatively short relationship, figure a couple of months to bounce back. For one lasting a couple of years or longer, it can take six months to a year. For a 30 year marriage, like mine, it takes between two and three years to feel somewhat better.

When I counsel someone through breakup recovery:

First, I encourage them to talk about it, until the initial upset and hysteria calm down.

Second, we analyze what happened, what was good about the relationship, what went wrong, and what my client's responsibility was for the breakdown of love.

Third, we work through past relationships and childhood and look for similarities (abandonment issues, fear of commitment, conflict avoidance, codependency) and then heal those issues, correct the belief systems, and re-define love and relationships to a more functional definition.

Fourth, we create a plan of action for my client to follow.

Fifth, I support the client in carrying out the plan.

Sixth, I congratulate them on the new, healthy relationship they've found and I often get invited to the wedding.

Adapted from: Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude

Dr. Romance writes: Despite the occasional temporary setback, my life is good, and I’m grateful. It wasn’t always that way, however. At 18, just after I left for college, I was essentially orphaned, and have had to go from no education or support to finding a purpose, supporting myself through a PhD, and developing four businesses to do that. I also recovered from an abusive marriage, and now have been happily married for 28 years, and in successful private practice since 1978. Before I could succeed, I needed to learn to support myself emotionally as well as financially. Having come from a difficult time, I appreciate my blessings, and I find that even the problems have become blessings. Today, I am privileged to use my experiences to work with clients every day to help them become more independent, self-actualizing, fulfilled, and successful.

One of the most powerful tools we have in turning the negative to positive is self-talk. We all have a running dialog in our heads, which often is negative or self-defeating. The good news is that we can choose to replace this negative monologue with something more positive. The brain tends to repeat familiar things over and over, going again and again over established neuronal pathways. Repeating a mantra, an affirmation or a choice over and over creates new pathways, which eventually become automatic. The new thoughts will run through your head like the old thoughts did, or like a popular song you've heard over and over.

If your self talk feels "naturally negative," you may be creating a self-fulfilling identity. One thing you can do is to monitor your self-talk: what do you say to yourself about the upcoming day, about mistakes, about your luck? If these messages are negative, changing them can indeed lift your spirits and your optimism. Know yourself: if you love silence, tend to be quiet, like quiet conversations and not big parties, this may be a genetic trait -- your hearing, and nervous system may be more sensitive than others, and this trait will not go away. You can, however, make the most of it, and learn that creating plenty of quiet in your life will make you a happier person. If, on the other hand, you’re a party animal – social, enjoying noise and excitement, you can also use that as an asset. Positive, happy people do have an easier time in life, and bounce back from problems faster. There are things you can do in every case to increase your level of optimism, even if you can't change who you are.

Your thoughts affect your mood, and how you relate to yourself can either lift or dampen your spirits. Neuronal activity in the brain activates hormones which are synonymous with feelings. Constant self-criticism results in a "what's the use" attitude, which leads to depression. Continuous free-floating thoughts of impending doom lead to anxiety attacks. Negative self-talk creates stress. What I do to help clients become aware of self-inflicted stress is first, to ask them to become aware of what they're saying to themselves -- if there is a constant stream of negativity, it will create stress -- just as being followed around by someone who's constantly carping on you would be stressful. Also, if they're fighting within themselves -- not able to come to a solid idea of what they want -- that will make it difficult to make decisions, and increase the stress. Dysfunctional relationship patterns also are stress-building. For example, if you are constantly guilt-tripped by someone else, or you and your spouse fight, or you are too worried about others' opinions of who you are and what you're doing, you'll be a lot more stressed than if you know how to get along with others, when to listen and when to trust yourself. Most of my clients don’t realize that they are responsible for their own feelings, and no one else is responsible for making them feel better.

To move from negativity to gratitude, try the following suggestions:

Make a note: Write positive comments on your daily calendar to yourself for jobs well done or any achievements you want to celebrate. Or you can paste stickers on your daily calendar as you accomplish goals daily frequent positive commentary is a very effective way to reward yourself and remind yourself of your success.

Look to your childhood: Use activities that felt like a celebration in your childhood: did your family toast a celebration with champagne or sparkling cider, a gathering of friends, or a thankful prayer? Create a celebration environment: use balloons, music, flowers, candles, or set your table with the best china. Use the exercise on your family style in chapter two to find ideas.

Visible reminders: Surround yourself with visible evidence of your successes. Plant a commemorative rosebush or get a new houseplant to mark a job well done, or display photos of fun events, and sports or hobby trophies. It's a constant reminder that you appreciate yourself and when you see them daily, you'll feel the appreciation.

Reward yourself: A new trashy romance novel or detective thriller can be a great reward/celebration for reading your required technical books.

Party!: Celebrate a cherished friendship with an impromptu lunchtime picnic and a balloon. Or with tickets to a ball game. (adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction)

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: why are men in their mid 40s-50s attracted to 20ish girls?

Dear Dr. Romance:  

I was wondering if in any of your books or articles you discuss about why men in their mid 40s-50s might be attracted to 20ish girls. I kind of know the obvious reasons, but being more curious about what that might mean maturity wise etc.  

Dear Reader:

From your question, I don't know if you're asking about someone you know, and want to understand what's going on, or you're just generally curious. Here's some general information about age differences in relationships:

Whether or not a relationship is healthy is not determined by age differences, but by the interaction between the partners. A ten-year difference is not too difficult to bridge, but differences of twenty years or more in age can lead to some difficulties as the partners get older. For example, the younger partner may mature and reconsider his or her choices, or an older partner may confront aging problems much sooner.

As long as both parties are adult, and the couple have talked about the age difference and the future possibilities, I don't make judgments about their ages. There are healthy and unhealthy reasons to date someone of a different generation.  

One motivation for dating a younger person that usually isn't successful would be fear of aging on the older person's part. Obviously, a man or woman who dates someone as young as his or her children is going to run into some social opposition, but the differences that can cause the most problems are differing maturity levels. It depends on what the motivations of both people are.

Some older people feel younger at heart than their contemporaries, and like to date people who are as active as they are. Chronological age doesn't always reflect either physical capability or emotional maturity. Sometimes an age difference is a mentoring relationship: the older person advises the younger one on life or career. This can backfire when the younger person decides he or she has learned enough, and wants to move on.

Most women base their romantic relationships on emotional connection, rather than external appearance. Men are more visually focused. A woman who connects with a much younger man may be powerful in career, and looking for someone to play with. It's difficult to tell without knowing the couple.

For what makes any relationship work, regardless of ages, "Couples Can Cooperate for Success"  and "Keys to a Happy Relationship" will give you tips you need to know.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you find the relationship for you.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: at funerals, how do you comfort families in mourning?

Dear Dr. Romance:

What suggestions can you offer for guests at funerals in regards to comforting families in morning? Thanks!

Dear Reader:

Your presence at the memorial or funeral, honoring their loved one who passed, is the most comfort, so go if you can.

When you are greeting the family at the funeral, simply say "I'm so sorry for your loss" and then mention (very briefly) something positive you know about the person who passed (if you do) "Your mother was always very kind to me" Don't go on and on, they have a lot of people to talk to on that day.

It is more memorable write your remembrances of the deceased person in a sympathy note and send it. You can add a casserole or flowers if you wish.

Families who are grieving have the hardest time in the months following the funeral -- so that's the time to offer kindness, support and encouragement.  If you're close to someone in the family, invite them out to do simple things or over for a meal.  

Read "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" and The Legacy of Grief for more details and specific understanding of how grieving works.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction can help you handle your grief and learn how to better support your friends.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: My wife has been unhappy with me for years.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I came across your article on "The Nail in the Fence: Healing Relationship Wounds". I am a thirty-something man living on the West Coast. My wife and I have been together for ten years, married for six.  We have three small children, and my wife has a pre-teen daughter from a previous relationship.  We've been seeing a marriage counselor because my wife has been unhappy with me for years. A few months ago, she told me she wanted a divorce. She claims that I pushed her away with my behavior (anger, mood swings, etc.) and has fallen out of love with me.

I begged her to stay. I promised her we would seek counseling and that I would change my ways. She has stuck around and has been telling me she is trying to find it within her heart to want to continue with our relationship.

A recent argument has put us back to what feels like square one. She told me she is leaving to live her life without me in it. I am desperate. I love my wife tremendously and I am willing to do anything and everything it will take to save our marriage.

Counseling at this point does not seem to be helping us. Lisa has said during counseling sessions that she doesn't understand how anyone can make her love me again. I can certainly change counselors and see what that will do but I feel like we are at a very critical point. I believe she truly wants to leave me for good but struggles within herself when it comes to hurting me.

I have been pouring my heart out to her constantly until she made me promise to stop and to just give her some time and space. I don't know who to turn to at this point. She has moved out of our bedroom and into the spare bedroom for the third time now. Our child for the second time has asked why mommy isn't sleeping in our bed anymore.

Lisa cannot forget all of the hurt I have caused her. I feel like we need strong intervention to help us heal the pain in our past so that we can start to rebuild our relationship.

Dear Reader:

From what you're telling me, I think couples counseling is not the right way to go. You need counseling for your "behavior (anger, mood swings, etc.) " As long as you have an anger problem, you won't be able to sustain a relationship, with your wife or anyone else. I recommend you get individual counseling immediately, and be serious about it. If you can't manage your own moods, emotions and reactions, your wife will never reconcile with you.

"Anger: Cleansing Squall or Hurricane?" "Fair Fight Guidelines" and "How Not to Fight" are all about how to stop angry outbursts and fighting.   "How to Be Irresistible to Your Mate"  has guidelines you can follow to  try and repair things with your wife, but, you can't just use that and then lose your temper again. You have to change permanently. 

Couples counselors differ in expertise. If your counselor hasn't insisted you get help for your anger and mood swings, then he or she is not the right counselor for you. Get individual counseling for yourself only, and find a counselor who will be very tough and interactive if you want rapid change. The counselor should give you homework. If you fix this quickly, you might have a chance to save your marriage. You may have waited too long, but at least you can fix the problem so it doesn't destroy the next relationship.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand yourself and the root causes of your anger.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: Your Primary Relationship

 Dr. Romance writes: Most of us put a lot of emphasis on our relationships: family, friends and significant others.  But, did you know that the relationship you have with everyone else is based on your relationship with you?  That’s right, the closer you get to other people, the more you treat them the way you treat yourself.  That makes your relationship with you your primary relationship.

Growing up in less than perfect families, most of us have learned dysfunctional relating to some degree.  We tend to treat ourselves as we were treated within the family, in school, in church, and by peers. We relate to ourselves as we learned to relate to the people around us.  For example, if someone in Susie's family had frightening emotional explosions, and the whole family was afraid, then she is liable to be afraid of her own feelings today.  In this way, the atmosphere of early childhood is carried forward into adult life. 

The key to solving the problem lies in creating a functional system. In my many years of counseling individuals and couples, the evidence I've seen has convinced me believe that healing begins within the self. 

The first step is to correct internal dysfunction; to learn to deal with self directly and honestly, for each of us to face our internal truth.  The human mind is very beautiful, very complex; nothing short of a miracle. Our thinking is so complex, that it is possible to have several "voices" inside, each holding different opinions simultaneously! We constantly hear a rational voice, an emotional voice, and voices of people who were influential; all holding forth.  No wonder it's easy to become confused.

Most of the clients who come to me have a virtual battle going on inside.  Blaming, defending, making excuses, resisting, are all going on at once within a single person's mind.  All of these "voices", these varying levels of thought and opinion, must be sorted out.  They each need to be heard individually; so you can find out what the fight is about.  Then you can act as a mediator for them, getting each "voice" to be a part of the whole, so that all your varying opinions of what must be done are resolved and working together. If your internal struggle is too intense as a result of abuse or addiction you may need the help of a therapist or a support group to work through it. 

As you do this, you'll recognize the source of some of the "voices".  For example: "Oh yeah, that's my Mom, criticizing everything I do, never satisfied.  Wow, I didn't realize I was doing that to myself! I haven't lived at home for 10 years!" Understanding that the running commentary in your mind is not actually your Mom, just your learned imitation of her, is very important.  

Once you realize the source, the "voice" needs to be corrected. It's necessary to have a self-examining voice, it will keep you growing and learning.  However, the voice doesn't need to be hostile, demanding, or relentless. It can be kind, encouraging and supportive.  For example: "I did a good job at work today. I'm getting better and better at sales. When I talk to Joe next time, though, I'm going to be a little more low key, ask him about his family, I think I overwhelmed him by coming on too strong." 

The goal is to create a functional "committee" out of the mental struggle.  When this is achieved, it is then possible to feel upset about something, sympathize with the part of your mind that's upset, and still be thinking calmly about the solution to the problem. Amazing! 

Knowing how to talk to yourself about your problems is a true blessing.  How often have you wished for "someone to talk to" about something?  How often have you been willing to be that "someone" for another person? Just as an experiment, try getting your capacity to listen and support together with your need to be heard and supported. You'll find out it works! 

I know, it sounds, well, weird. That's the dysfunction in the society talking.  It's not weird, it's healthy. Knowing I can and will ‘be there’ for myself is at the heart of self-esteem. As you understand how to respond to yourself, you’ll create a role model for healthy relationships with others: friends, family, lovers, and colleagues. You’ll also recognize the others who are willing to relate to you in a healthy manner, and be capable of relating to them in the same way. 

As you become totally honest with yourself, you’ll learn to catch many of the nasty relationship surprises before they happen.  You’ll instinctively know when you’re being lied to, and it won't work on you.  You’ll clearly see the difference between love and dependency, and choose to love and be loved. You’ll be able to recognize and stay out of relationship drama, because you’ll know that healthy people can be honest, ask for what they want, and accept “no” for an answer. 

The more self-supporting and functional you become, the less you lean too heavily on anyone else. Relationships become mutual, with a balance between supporting yourself and others.  No one needs to avoid you because you do not demand what others are not prepared to give.  You can get what you need from yourself, and enjoy what others want to freely give. 

Does it sound good?  To create this change, begin by rebuilding the critical, negative voice in your head, until it is giving you the kind of support you always wanted, like a friend who loves and supports you. Take other people off the hook, and you'll be free to have a new kind of relationships.  As you see others more objectively, and less from the perspective of your needs, you'll see them differently, and love and forgiveness will become available, for yourself and for them.

(c) Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: To this day I am not sure why he became so angry

Dear  Dr Romance:  

I hope you will be able to provide me with an insight. I was in a relationship with a man I genuinely loved and wanted future with. Our relationship was lovely to start with but after a few months problems started to emerge: another woman told me he was in a relationship with her and my trust was broken.

I wanted to believe him and forgive him but it was not easy especially as he did not want to discuss it with me. He told me they were friends (he never told me about her yet she knew details about me) and that she was hoping for more whilst he did not feel the same. She broke up with him (apparently) and although at first he did not want to talk abut it, at a later stage he used to tell me positive things about her e.g. that she used to be very beautiful, that she used to work as a model and once he told me he was sad he lost her friendship.

Things went down the hill, our relationship started being very rocky, stormy he was often angry, possessive, controlling and had volatile moods. I ended the relationship, being civil, polite and not hurting his feelings but he was angry and offensive. I did not allow myself to be provoked.

Now, out of the blue after some time, he contacted me. I was polite, civil and exchanged few words with him but he keeps contacting me. It was difficult for me because he brought all the memories back for me - negative ones. I asked him outright why is he contacting me but now he seems to have disappeared again.

It makes me angry because he came back into my life again, thus bringing up the hurt from the past. I explained to him why I ended the relationship but all he said was that he is sorry for hurting me but it was not all not his fault. So, after all this time he still feels his violence, volatile moods, calling me names was all justified.  To this day I am not sure why he became so angry toward me ... unless it is because of another woman.  It is just confirming to me I made a right decision to break up with him.

Why was he trying to establish a contact, would you be able to explain please?

Dear Reader:

This man is a user, and he became angry originally because you didn't allow him to use you once you discovered what was going on. You should be very proud of yourself that you didn't stay with him. He will keep coming back, as long as he thinks there's even a slim chance he can get what he wants from you.

He hasn't changed, he doesn't think he's wrong, and he'll do the same thing over and over. He has what we call a Narcissistic personality. Block him from your phone, Facebook and e-mail. Narcissistic, abusive men have "Jekyll and Hyde" personalities, which means that they can be very charming when they want something.

Narcissism is arrested emotional development, at the emotional age of about two years old (which is the natural narcissistic developmental stage). Parental permissiveness or disinterest allows a child to avoid growing past the 'terrible twos' to develop a sense of empathy, responsibility and socialization. Society's focus on youth worship also aids this lack of development, and all the social media, reality TV shows and focus on "it's all about me" completes the job.

A romantic relationship with the partner whom you hope and expect will provide you with love, joy and fulfillment of your dreams;  that turns into a miserable and disappointing failure is a very painful experience. I'm sorry you had to go through this.

I hope you will be suspicious if a future date seems "too good to be true"  and observe him carefully to see if he has good character or not. Ask about previous relationships, friendships, and family. A man who is disconnected from other people is probably not emotionally available.

Know the signs of emotional blackmail:

1. A demand. Your guy won't take "no" for an answer, and requests are really demands.

2. Resistance. When every discussion turns into an argument.

3. Pressure. He pressures you to go along.

4. Threats. He uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to end the relationship, intense persuading, rage, badgering.

"How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship"  will help you know what to look for.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has the information you need to date wisely and successfully.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I can't get my ex out of my head and heart

Dear Dr. Romance:

Several years ago I met this man. it was instant attraction for both of us. we fell instantly for each other but he had a girlfriend.  I gave him the space he needed and we both agreed to just be friends. we tried it once when they broke up but it was difficult.  So I got a boyfriend and stayed with him for a year and a half.  

We eventually broke up and I still couldn't forget about the other man.  He broke up with the girl again and we tried to have a relationship.  Everything was good until she came back into his life. He said he cared about me but was so confused as she had been a part of his life for seven years.

I gave him a year to get her out of his life; but I couldn't control my jealousy and started dating again. Its been a year and just like i predicted she's out of his life for good.

However, I have now been dating an amazing man for three months. although I haven't been able to get my ex out of my life. We're like best friends and have so much fun together.  I feel so guilty because my boyfriend is so good to me and yet I can't get my ex out of my head and my heart. i don't know what to do.

Dear Reader:

You're trying to insure that you get the perfect man, and so you're sitting on the fence, not willing to commit. Love doesn't work that way: you have to commit, and then work together to create a satisfying, lasting partnership.

I'm guessing the newer man is a better bet, because he hasn't cheated on you or anyone else, but only you know for sure. Stop daydreaming about "The One Who Got Away" Cut off contact with him, and commit to the relationship you have. You said he's "amazing" what more can you want? Read "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" to figure out how partnership works, and "You Be the Judge" and "Stupid Cupid" to find out which man is the good one. How to be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Ed  gives you what you need to build a successful relationship.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: How can I move forward when I hit a setback?

Dear Dr. Romance:

When one hits a setback in life what are some healthy ways to keep moving forward? How can one build a healthy mental outlook when things go wrong?

Dear Reader:

The most important and uplifting thing you can do is look for what you can learn from the problem. Richard Bach wrote "There's no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands"  "Healing: Turning Poison into Medicine"  has steps you can follow to turn a negative experience into self-motivation.  

One of the most powerful tools you can use to change defeat into inspiration is self-talk. We all have a running dialog in our heads, which often is negative or self-defeating. The good news is that you can choose to replace this negative monologue with something more positive. The brain tends to repeat familiar things over and over, going again and again over established neuronal pathways. Repeating a mantra, an affirmation or a choice over and over creates new pathways, which eventually become automatic. The new thoughts will run through your head like the old thoughts did, or like a popular song you've heard over and over.

If your self talk feels negative, you may be creating a self-fulfilling identity, which saps your ability to choose your responses. One thing you can do is to monitor your self-talk: what do you say to yourself about the upcoming day, about mistakes, about your luck? If these messages are negative, changing them can indeed lift your spirits and your optimism.

Know yourself: if you love silence, tend to be quiet, like quiet conversations and not big parties, this may be a genetic trait -- your hearing, and nervous system may be more sensitive than others, and this trait will not go away. You can, however, make the most of it, and learn that creating plenty of quiet in your life will make you a happier, calmer person. If, on the other hand, you’re a party animal – social, enjoying noise and excitement, you can also use that as an asset.

Positive, happy people do have an easier time in life, and bounce back from problems faster. There are things you can do in every case to increase your level of optimism, even if you can't change who you are.

Your thoughts affect your mood, and how you relate to yourself can either lift or dampen your spirits. Neuronal activity in the brain activates hormones which are synonymous with feelings. Constant self-criticism results in a "what's the use" attitude, which leads to depression and a cranky attitude, which doesn’t work well in your marriage. Continuous free-floating thoughts of impending doom lead to anxiety attacks. Negative self-talk creates stress. What I do to help clients become aware of self-inflicted stress is first, to ask them to become aware of what they're saying to themselves -- if there is a constant stream of negativity, it will create stress -- just as being followed around by someone who's constantly carping on you would be stressful. Also, if they're fighting within themselves -- not able to come to a solid idea of what they want -- that will make it difficult to make decisions, and increase the stress. Dysfunctional relationship patterns also are stress-building. For example, if you are constantly guilt-tripped by someone else, or you and your spouse fight, or you are too worried about others' opinions of who you are and what you're doing, you'll be a lot more stressed than if you know how to get along with others, when to listen and when to trust yourself. Most of my clients don’t realize that they can be in charge of their own feelings, and no one else is responsible for making them feel better. 

"Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude" will help you understand how to accomplish this change.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction contains exercises and information to help you move forward. If you prefer a workbook, 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A Guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance's Seven Steps to Help You Learn Patience

Dr. Romance  Writes:

Frequently, life can become very busy and stressful.   Delayed gratification, or patience, is a skill many of my clients need to learn when life feels overwhelming or difficult; but it isn't always easy.  Learning to be patient and remain calm reduces and relieves stress and worry. Cultivating patience is really about mastering impulse control: it's an issue in self control. You can learn how to do "emotional maintenance" and shake off stress, keep on track of what you want to do, and let go of frustration when something is getting to you. Patience is learning how to wait until you’ve thought before acting and made sure you understand the options and take control of your own ideas and decisions. It's a growth process, a transformation of self through awareness and learning.

To acquire patience, learn not to act on impulse, but change your thinking and attitude, and reach out for support and encouragement. To learn the necessary patience and determination that enhances your communication, these seven steps will help.

Seven Steps to Help You Learn Patience:

1: Wait: The old advice to "count to 10 before you respond" is a great way to learn patience. Give yourself a chance to give your best response.

2: Use Perspective: put your impulses or desires in perspective-- will it be important an hour from now--fifteen minutes from now? Most of them won't be.

3. Self understanding: If you are tempted to act or speak on impulse, understand that the impulse is normal, but you don’t have to be run by it. Reactions and impulses are normal--it's how thoughtfully we act on them that counts.

4: Take a longer view: If you’re reacting because someone upset you (e.g.: your partner hurt your feelings) or then give a little prayer of thanks that it wasn't worse, say a blessing for your partner (who probably needs it) and you'll feel better. If you are tempted to act impulsively, pause a minute and consider your bigger goal; then decide if the momentary impulse is worth setting back your goal.

5. Give yourself a break: If you act on an impulse before thinking about it, acknowledge that you did it, then forgive yourself and get back on track. If you find yourself acting impulsively a lot, then maybe your goal is too rigid, and you need to allow a little more room for yourself, or to renegotiate the contract with your spouse. (See the following section on expectations.)

6. Consider the source: Impulses are often a reaction to outside circumstances--for example, being annoyed because your partner isn’t available, when you could enjoy using the time you have to yourself. Make sure what you do is what you really want to do.

7: Celebrate: Remember to celebrate your accomplishments and all the times you do what you intend to, keep your promises, and work things out. Frequent small celebrations are a way to reward yourself for patience, and to increase your motivation to be even more patient.

For more about this, read "Practicing Patience" and for in-depth, step-by-step help, read It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  Or, if you prefer a workbook format: 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A Guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: What type of dating safety precautions should one take?

Dear Dr. Romance:
How can one be sure that a person they met through a dating service is not disturbed in any way?
What type of safety precautions can one take?

Dear Reader:

Love has a much better chance to be realized if you make some of your choices mentally, as well as by emotional attachment and chemistry. Choose commitments both with the "parent" or judgmental, evaluating, critical thinking method; and the "child" or romantic, turned on, chemistry method. I call this choosing from the neck up, as well as from the neck down. You'll use better judgment if you think of matchmaking for yourself. You can think like a matchmaker (or a hard- to-please parent), when considering commitment. The Mirriam -Webster Online Dictionary defines judgment as "the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing." Take time out from your excitement and evaluate your match, using the components of judgement: think, observe, evaluate, ask, remember, experiment, speculate and empathize.  "You Be the Judge" will tell you more.

Dr. Romance’s guide to dating safely:

* Be skeptical, not gullible. When you're meeting dates online (it is not dating until it's face-to-face) you have no way of knowing who they are. Don't be afraid to ask for details, Google your date, ask to talk to friends and family members, let your date meet your friends. You need objective people to scope a new person out. Best of all, use a reputable site that screens candidates.

* Be realistic, not romantic. Don't develop a fantasy about anew date until you know the facts. It's a tough world out there.

* Focus on friendship. Concentrate on developing the friendship. Romance follows later, after you've done your research. *Don't tell a new acquaintance too much: Don't give away your address, home phone, work location until you know who you're dealing with . If you have children, protect them by being discreet.

* Pay attention to behavior, as well as words; seek to discover character, don't fall for just looks and charm.

*Don't assume you're dating exclusively if you haven't discussed it.

*Don't rush into sex: Going slowly into sex reduces the risk of STDs; avoids the awkwardness of intimacy with a total stranger; stops codependent obsession; and makes sex more special. There's no advantage in rushing -- when sex is right, it will happen. If a date leaves because you won't have sex right away, there was no possibility of a relationship anyway.

*Don't get too self-conscious. The media focus on youth and fitness can make you feel insecure and unattractive. When you meet, look your (appropriate) best, and then forget about it. Instead of worrying what your date thinks of you, focus on what you think of your date.

from Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm Desperate: What Else Can I Do?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I suffer with sleeping alone in "our" bedroom while my wife of 14 years, sleeps in our two pre-teen sons' bedroom.  I've tried to talk and reason with her about this important problem, only to fall on deaf ears. I'm desperate.  What else can i do?  How can i get an autographed copy of your book?  I do a lot of reading in our bed since not much else ever happens.

Dear Reader:

It sounds like you need some help getting through to your wife, so why not go for counseling? A counselor would tell her that what she's doing is not good for your sons or your marriage. Be aware that she may want out of the marriage -- do you understand what turned her off? I'm not sure you're telling me everything, and I'm certainly not hearing her side.

Instead of telling her she's wrong, try listening to her side of the story. Maybe you have to change some things about how you deal with each other.  "Asking for What You Want"; "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely", "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" and "How to Be Irresistible to Your Mate"   are all full of information that can help you find out what the real problem is. Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences  will help you learn better communication skills.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: My father opposes my inter-racial relationship

Dear Dr. Romance:

My question of the week is how to deal with family opposition of my inter-racial relationship. My dad, who is in his 70s, is vehemently opposed to my relationship with my fiancé (who is white). He hasn't even met him and given him a chance. It is quite frustrating given that our wedding is in a few months and I'm not even sure he will come. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Reader:

Be patient with your Dad. Perhaps he's taking this personally; as if your choice of a man of a different race is a slight to him. He loves you, he'll probably come around. Just keep calmly repeating, like broken record: "Dad, I love this man, and he loves me. We are happy. I love you, too, and I hope you can be happy for me. I'll be very sad on my wedding day if you're not there."

Don't push him, don't argue with him. You don't want to make it harder for him to give in. Just keep going with your wedding plans, involve your mother if she's willing, and make it possible for your dad to change his mind and come, even at the last minute. Have a plan B for if he's not there (someone else to give you away, etc.) Have faith, and trust that your Dad will get over his issue, when he sees his objections are not going to stop you. Many good wishes to you for your happiness. "Creating Family Acceptance"  will help you understand how to respond to  your family and "Getting to Yes" will help you improve your communication.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction explains how your family issues came about and what to do about them.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance Happiness Tip: "The Nail in the Fence: Healing Wounds"

This arrived in Dr. Romance 's e-mail: 

“There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there.” A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

People often wound each other and  words said in anger create emotional scars.  It's best if we don’t hurt each other, but if the wound happens, or happened in the past, it’s important to know the scars can heal.  Think about a cut or wound in your skin: Your body starts to heal immediately, coagulating your blood to stop the loss, then developing a scab, under which new skin grows, until the scab is no longer needed, and flakes off, leaving a red mark, which fades, until there is little or no evidence of the wound.  With a more serious wound, some therapy is needed, perhaps surgery and stitches, or plastic surgery to remove a scar.  Our bodies are an unending miracle – able to accomplish things without our even noticing; things that biochemistry longs to be able to understand – never mind accomplish.

 That’s a good metaphor for healing emotional wounds.  

 Emotional wounds, whether from words said in anger, or something even more hurtful, need to be cleaned for optimal healing.  In the case of emotions, cleansing can come in several forms.  A sincere apology (which means willingness to change) on the part of the person who lashed out, can help – but the best cleansing is one that doesn’t leave you vulnerable to someone else’s outbursts.  In order to heal, you need to know you won’t be repeatedly wounded.  Unless a true apology, with evidence of real change, is offered, then you must stand up for yourself, and tell the hurtful person that you won’t tolerate the behavior again (and be willing to act on it.)

Giving the other person an “adult time out” (retreat into cold politeness and withdraw from emotional response to the person until you get a sincere apology) not only will demonstrate that you’re not willing to be abused, it will also send a signal to you that you’re taking care of yourself.  That creates the emotional climate for healing to take place.  Once you know you’ll take care of yourself, the wound heals, and you can then move on to forgiveness.

Forgiving Your Partner

 No matter how much you care, and how hard you try, when you get close to someone, you will occasionally get hurt.  Even people who are responsible and care about each other make mistakes, because no one can be 100% aware, and because it’s not always easy to understand what's important to another person.  This emotional clumsiness can hurt, even when it's unintentional, so you need to know how to clear up the hurts when they happen.  The power to resolve and let go of old hurts, while learning to protect yourself from being hurt again, is one of the most useful skills when it comes to intimate relationships. 

Forgiving for Real

Forgiveness is not easy. When you have truly forgiven, there is no lingering resentment, because the problem is solved.  You have learned how to heal the hurt and prevent its reoccurrence, so you can forgive and wipe the slate clean. Knowing how to express feelings and figuring out a way to prevent a similar hurt from happening again makes it possible to forgive each other. 

The dictionary defines to forgive as "to give up resentment of" but my definition of forgiving is a bit different. Giving up resentment is nearly impossible when there are too many real injuries to forgive. It can also be unwise, because resentment is a reminder to be careful around this person or in this situation.   Letting go of resentment without fixing the problem makes you vulnerable to being hurt or mistreated over and over again.

However, hanging on to resentment will not protect you or allow you to let go of the past and move on.  As long as you hold onto resentment, you will feel like a helpless, hopeless, dependent victim of your past history.  You do need to learn to forgive, but just "giving up resentment" is not sufficient. You need a new model of forgiving.

Steps to Forgiving

The path to true forgiveness has seven steps:

1. Understand why you’re hurt.  It’s common to have hurt feelings and be disappointed but not know exactly why what was done or said has hurt you so badly.   What are you feeling? Are you angry at someone?  What did he or she do?  Are you sad? Why?  Taking the time to get clear about your disappointment and hurt feelings will make it easier for you to be clear with your partner, and easier for your partner to figure out what to do.

2. Know how to take care of yourself.  It seems very logical that if someone else hurt you, then that person should fix it.   But it doesn’t always work that way.  If someone who loves you has hurt you, he or she either doesn’t understand how you feel, isn’t thinking clearly, or isn’t in control of his or her own actions.  This can be true in minor hurts and major ones.  If your husband forgets your birthday, or your wife makes an important social date on the day of the big game, there may be several causes.  If the error was due to faulty communication or poor memory, you can take care of yourself by placing a calendar in a prominent location in your home and marking all important dates, perhaps with different colored pencils to indicate whose memo it is.  Technophiles can put in on their Smart Phones.  If a date is on the calendar, there are no “forgetting” excuses.  If the situation is more serious (she burns dinner when she drinks too much, he spends too much money on payday), then you have to take more serious measures.  For situations like this, I recommend therapy.  Go with or without your partner, and you will learn how to take care of yourself until he or she has better self-control.  Until you know how to prevent yourself from being hurt again, forgiveness does not make sense. 

3. Let your partner know how you feel.  Once you are clear about how you were hurt or disappointed, you can be clear with your partner.  Don’t accuse-- just speak in terms of your feelings.  “My feelings were hurt when I didn’t know where you were at the party.”  Or, “I’m disappointed because I wanted you to remember my birthday.” 

4. Tell your partner what you think would fix the problem.  When you offer a possible solution, your partner will have a clear idea of what you want.  You can say, “When we go to parties, I’d like to you to let me know where you are, and I want you to understand why I feel bad if you don’t.”

5. Listen to your partner’s version of what happened.   Often these problems are caused mainly by a difference in perception, so it’s important to understand how your partner saw the situation.  This also keeps the discussion on a more even level, with both partners discussing the problem rather than one accusing and the other defending.   You may learn that your partner even thought he or she was doing something you wanted.  “You kept saying you didn’t want to celebrate this birthday, and I thought you meant it.”

6.  Reach a mutual solution to the problem. If someone is very hurt, or very defensive, it may take a few discussions to resolve this problem.  Remember that it is worth the time it takes, because it will prevent this from becoming a recurring problem.  If you can’t solve it together after a few tries, see a counselor.  Forgiveness skills are so important that you really need to learn them if you don’t have them already.

7.  Have a forgiving ceremony. This can be as simple as looking into your partner’s eyes and saying “I forgive you.”   What’s important is that you communicate that the air is cleared, the hurt forgiven, and the problem is over.  You won’t be able to do that honestly if you haven’t done the previous steps.

You don't have to condemn your partner to be wary of their out-of-control or thoughtless behavior.  Instead, you can recognize that both of you are fallible human beings, do what is necessary to fix the problems, and then forgive each other.  When both of you take responsibility for fixing these mistakes in the relationship, your trust in each other will grow, and where trust grows, so does love.  

Adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: How Can I get over the nervousness of dating again?

Dear Dr. Romance:

How can one get over the nervousness of dating again when its been quite a few years since their last date?

Dear Reader:

If your last relationship lasted for a while, dating again can be a scary proposition. 

These guidelines can help:

Dr. Romance's Guidelines for Successful Dating

• Avoid Anxiety and Giddiness
Dating is exciting and energizing. Of course you should have fun and enjoy the moment, but if you get too excited, anxious and hyper, you might come on too strong. It’s important that your anxiety not mask the real you. Keep your thoughts on the reality that you don’t know what is going to happen to the relationship. Pay attention to what you are learning about your date, and allow the relationship to develop slowly over many dates like this.
• Use the Power of Charm
Remember how powerful your smile can be, and use your eye contact and ask questions to keep the conversation flowing. Think about what interests you about your date, and show interest in his or her opinions, experiences and activities. Be complementary whenever possible, and respond intelligently to whatever is said to you.
• Have Fun: Don’t Get Too Heavy
Keep your date light and easy, and have a good time. If you keep the focus of your attention on being pleasant, having fun, and not getting too far ahead of the relationship, you will be great company. 
• Make Conversation Interesting and Easy, With No Deep Secrets
You can talk about anything, including your personal lives, past relationships and love in general, but don’t be the one who brings up the intimate topics first. Be careful not to pry too deeply into your date’s private life and secrets, unless the information is voluntarily offered. You’ll learn a lot more about your date if you are genuinely interested in hearing what he or she has to say; than if you conduct an interrogation.
• Don’t Talk Too Much about Yourself
Keep your focus on learning about your date and don’t get into talking too much about yourself. Dole out some information about you, especially if it relates to what your date is saying, but don’t let yourself talk endlessly about your own life, opinions, experiences or activities. 
• Pay Attention!!! You Have Things to Learn Here!
The most important aspect of any date, in addition to having a good time, is to get to know each other better. No matter how excited, turned on or thrilled you may be about this date, listening to what your date says, watching what your date does and understanding how your date feels are still your primary objectives. Keep an objective viewpoint in the back of your mind and think about what your date is revealing to you.
• What Your Date Thinks of You Is Not Your Business: Focus on What You Think of Your Date.
One of the easiest ways to lose your objectivity and balance in this is to let yourself worry about what your date thinks about you. I call this “getting into your date’s head.” If you spend your time essentially trying to look at yourself through your date’s eyes, guessing what he or she is seeing when looking at you, or hearing when listening to you, you’ll miss what’s really happening. It’s a very self-involved thing to do, and it makes it impossible for you to relate intelligently to your date. What your date thinks of you is not really your business. You have a responsibility to pay attention so you know what YOU think of your date. 

Hopefully, in all these considerations, because you’ve thought about the serious issues in advance, you’ll still be able to relax and have a good time—so good, that you decide to keep dating each other. 

Keep in mind that you’re not looking for just sex or romance—if you want a long-term relationship, the character of the person that will determine whether your relationship will be a success, not his or her outward appearance. Here are some Dating Do's and Don'ts to help
you.

Dating Do’s and Don’ts 
DO'S
• Do ‘shop around:’ don't stay focused on one person until you've given yourself a choice.
• Do listen. Don't monopolize the conversation. You'll learn even more about your date, and be more relaxed. 
*Do focus on friendship. When you’ve just met someone, you can't know where it might go, so concentrate on developing the friendship. You can have as many friends as you want.
• Do get feedback. Offer your comments on the event or the restaurant, and ask your date what he or she thought of it, for future reference.
• Do let your date know if you enjoyed his/her company. A compliment is always welcome. If you'd like to do it again, say so. 
• If you promise to call, mean it. If you've decided not to continue the relationship but feel you can't say so, don't make empty promises.
• Do tell the truth; don't lie, but also don't share too much too soon. You don't need to tell your date about other dates if you two have no agreement about exclusivity. Wait until the relationship has progressed to exclusivity.
• Do pay attention to the clues about your date: you need to learn about this person's character, not just looks and charm.

DON'TS
• Don’t assume your date is exclusive with you if you've never talked about it. 
• Don't be afraid of silence. Occasional silences allow a conversation to feel natural and unforced.
• Don't make sex the objective. Good reasons for going slowly into sexual activity include: reducing the risk of sexually transmitted diseases, avoiding the awkwardness of intimacy with a total stranger; averting codependent obsession; and having sex to look forward to. If and when sex is right, it will happen; there’s no advantage in rushing. 
• Don't date beyond your budget. It doesn't impress your date if, in the long run, you have to make an embarrassing confession, and “buying” someone's company doesn’t work. A wide disparity in income calls for frank discussion early on. If your date spends a lot on you, reciprocating with a home-cooked meal, a hand-made gift, or needed repair work will even the
tally. 
• Don't get too self-conscious. The media focus on youth and fitness these days can make anyone feel insecure and unattractive. Look your best, then forget about it. Instead of worrying what your date thinks of you, focus on what you think of your date.

"Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will show you how to prepare for dating and how to find a suitable partner.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today contains a lot more information designed to make dating fun, successful and safe.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't know how to choose a man

Dear Dr. Romance:

You give good advice and I really like the articles you have here.  I wish I could apply it to my life.  I have married and divorced twice and i always tell myself "I don't know how to choose a man".

But is it the man or me who is wrong? I don't know. Now, I have a new relationship and I am afraid to lose again this time. Can you tell me what to do?

Dear Reader:  

Thanks for letting me know enjoyed the articles. There are many articles there that can help you, like "Keys to a Happy Relationship";  "Couples Can Cooperate for Success"; and "Creating Unconditional Love" which will help you and your new partner develop a successful relationship.  "You be the Judge" gives you a way to make sure you have a good man. 

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will give you a lot of information and exercises you can do by yourself or with your partner to hone your relationship skills. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will give you and your partner a good understanding of how a successful relationship works.

 How to Be Happy Partners:, Working it Our Together will show you how to work with your new partner to solve problems that come up in a cooperative way, and become a healthy, happy team.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I keep telling him not to push me.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I find your articles very interesting. I have a minor problem with my husband. he keeps telling me that I don't listen and that I am stubborn.  I admit my mind goes blank sometimes because he expects a lot from me and treats me like a teenager.  I keep telling him not to push me.

I have a full time job as an administrative assistant at a university, and we have our business where we have a person working but I am in the shop on Saturday, and I normally do the banking and the home chores.  We have no kids and have been married ten years. I do listen but I am only human and I make mistakes.  He always wants to be around his brother and wife.  She often accuses my husband of harassing her. When his brother and sister-in-law  are not around everything is good with us, he pays attention to me instead of them. 

Dear Reader:

It sounds like you and your husband need to agree on times to talk with each other about important things. He sounds needy, and your sister-in-law's comment that he harasses her is further evidence of that. You sound very busy, so it would be helpful if you talked to him about setting up times when you two can talk, and in return he would understand when you're busy and can't talk. Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will help you establish a new way of solving problems and "Asking for What You Want" will help you be heard.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will show you how to communicate without fighting.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition is a good book for both men and women to understand how to make your relationship more of an equal partnership.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance: Improving Relationships between parents and stepchildren

Ah, the ugly step parent, celebrated and villainized in fairy tales. Do you have to take on the role?  "Dr. Romance" says you don't, and shows you how to manage to be the kind of step-parent that causes your children to say "My step-parent was the best thing that ever happened to our family."

Dr. Romance’s 4 tips to smoother step-parenting

1. Give your blended family a chance to bond. Don’t worry if everyone doesn’t settle in right away; bonding takes time. Hopefully, you all got to know each other before you moved in together, but the transition to living comfortably together can take time.

2. Have family meetings weekly. Give everyone (kids, too) a chance to share how they feel, what they like and don’t like, and ask them to share both positive and negative opinions. Invite suggestions about how to make things better. Shared times, such as mealtimes, are important -- but each person needs a break, too. Don’t allow the schedule to be too busy -- plan some time off.

3. Get on the same parenting page. Mom and Dad need to work out parenting methods, rewards, punishments, chores, allowances, bedtimes, homework, etc. Each of your single-parent families is unique, and everyone has to adjust to change. Transition is much easier if the parents are in agreement. If something happens you haven’t discussed, just defer to one parent, and work it out later. If you allow the kids to create discord between you, they’ll jump on it right away, and make your lives miserable.

4. If you have shared custody with one or more outside parents, resolve any conflicts with them right away – ex-spouse struggles can become disasters. You’ll all be connected for life. Help the children transition from one household to another by “debriefing” when they come home. “How was your visit?” Then talk about the system at your house.

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed has specific information for blended families, and will help you navigate the ups and downs of creating a cohesive family.  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: How can I find a good man to love me for me?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm a single mom, of a teenage  son. I was never married to his dad (if you want to call him that). I have the hardest time finding a relationship cuz I am on SS income and I am judged by that. I am a loving person, the good guys want a woman that works or is very active. I'm not able to do either. So how can I find a good man to love me for me?

Dear Reader:

You need to focus on what you have to offer a partner. A relationship is not just about you getting taken care of and loved, but about taking care of and loving each other.  I'm guessing that you're the one who's most focused on your source of income.  Yes, it's harder when you have a child and don't work, because men are concerned about taking on the added responsibility if they don't think they're going to get much in return.

There are many things you can do to improve yourself and your situation. Do whatever you can to improve yourself. Read and learn,  take classes that are free or low-cost at your local adult school or library. Look your best, and dress to appeal to the kind of man you're looking for; that is, don't dress too sexy if you want someone to like you for more than sex. Emphasize your positive qualities, and show what you have to offer.

If you can cook, let people know. If you are funny, interesting and a good companion, that's very attractive. Get involved in your church or community activities: you'll meet people who can help you be your best. Make good, healthy friends, and that will lead you to a healthy relationship. "Where is Love?" and "Dating Guidelines for Single Parents" will help you get organized. The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before 40 will help you improve your life and the way people see you.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has all the information you need about where to go to meet people, and how to get things started.  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I want a man in my life that I can trust again.

Dear Dr. Romance:

After experiencing a lot of physical and emotional abuse in my life, my last relationship was very damaging emotionally and physically. Now, many years later, I haven't had a serious relationship or even a date since.  I've had two opportunities this year, but one wanted to be friends, the other is working on overcoming his addiction, and has been successful for several years.  

I used to be shy, but I'm  not anymore.  I am currently seeing a psychologist, a psychiatrist, and I have a therapist.  But at times I feel lonely.  I have family and a best friend, but I want a man in my life that I can trust again.

Whatever vibe I give off, men notice me, but won't approach me in public.  I was told twice by one ex boyfriend that I project Look but Don't touch.  Then someone else that I thought was a friend said the same thing.  I'm not into the bar scene anymore.  In my online dating experience,  the men I contact have unhealthy boundaries,  such as stating they love me after two emails and my pic.

What is a Woman to do? I want a friendship, chemistry, and to build trust, and see what develops from there.  I don't want to email a lot, just one or two messages, a phone call, then meet for coffee in a public place.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong?? I say I want and treat others with honesty, trust, respect and I am a caring, attractive, loving, kind person. I'm sooo confused.

Dear Reader:

Although I don't know what you look like, It would not be surprising if you did project a "don't touch me" feeling, after experiencing so much abuse.  Yes, there are a lot of people online who have unhealthy boundaries and don't really understand relationships.  What you want is not unreasonable, you just need to use the right method to get it.  You've had a lot of therapy and treatment, and you sound like you're ready.  I'm sure you've done fine work in therapy, but it may not be what you need to prepare for a relationship. 

 "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"  and "Where is Love?" will give you a method for finding a healthy person to date.  Build on your friendships, and create an active social life.  Regular activities with other like-minded people will give you a chance to get to know people before you date them. When you a potential date interact with others, you get a much better understanding of his character.  Choose activities organized around things you enjoy or that are important to you.  Whether you take a class, join an activist group, participate in sports or discussion groups, as long as you enjoy the focus of the group you will meet others with whom you have much in common.  Being around groups of people will also give you a chance to practice letting down your guard a little, and inviting others to be close to you.  I know you can find a safe and satisfying relationship with a little experimentation.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today was written to make dating  as an adult safe, fun and successful, so you'll find it valuable.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: My parents are racists

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I've been in a relationship for almost 2 years with a great person whom I've known for the 5 years I've been in this country. We studied together, were genuine friends before feelings started to develop, and we decided to be together. He and I are from a different nationalities and races.  This has never been a problem to us because we seem to get along great in terms of values, religious background, personalities, interests, and interactions. We do have our fights, but we always manage to sort them out well. I know he is the one for me, and we are practically living together.  

My parents disapprove because they strongly believe that their kids have to get marry within the same nationality and  racial background. They have told me this for a long time, and I didn't express my disagreement to avoid hours of lectures but I was already going out with my current partner.

When I finally had the courage to tell my parents that I have made a decision to be with someone, the first thing they asked me was what nationality he is. It doesn't matter that he treats me right, that both of us come from the same religious background, that we are both highly educated, that he comes from a great family, that he's responsible and a fair person, or that he's compassionate.

Instead, they told me how disappointed they are and how disrespectful I am for not accepting their choice of partners.  This feel they will lose face because people will gossip about us. My parents care so much about what people say about us and are very respectable. They fear shame and losing face because a different skin color is just bad. My mom stopped talking to me, she's been crying all the time, can't seem to concentrate in her work, can't see my picture because she'll cry again, can't seem to get sleep at nights, and won't open my emails. My dad has been calling me all the time and saying horrible things like: I am a disrespectful child, I am a liar, my mom's heart problems are worse because of me, I am causing their unhappiness, they will NEVER EVER accept my choice and decision, and they regret trusting me.

My parents are not bad people, even though my dad has been very strict, they have been lovely, the most caring people I've ever known. They are compassionate about others and mom is very patient. They respect people from all cultures and have taught me to treat people with respect.

I don't know if I'm ready if they disown me and it's very hard to hear how I've made them suffer.  I care so much about them and it breaks my heart. I really DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! Please tell me how should I handle this situation

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry you're in this predicament. Your parents are doing what they think is right, and right for you. They love you, and they want you to succeed. Unfortunately, success by their definition is different from success for you. No matter how sad it is, you have to follow your own path. Eventually, you will be without your parents, and you must build a life that works for you.

From what you tell me, this is a good relationship. It is very important that he treats you well and you work well together, even though your parents don't understand that. I recommend that you keep telling your parents that you love them, you don't want to dishonor them, but you must build your own life. Keep expressing your gratitude that they gave you what you need to live a happy, fulfilling life. Express your regret that you cannot make them happy. Keep building success in your life with your partner. Eventually, they may come around to see that your path is working.

In this case, you must be the bigger person, and love them even though they are not being loving right now. In my experience, most families eventually adjust to these differences. Your parents have had to accept many things in their lifetime that they did not want; they will probably be able to accept this eventually. If they keep sending you money, keep saving it. You may be able to use it to help care for them in their old age.

I wish there were an easy answer to this, but you and your partner are developing a different culture than that of your parents, and that is never the easy path. You are choosing your own happiness and success over the dictates of your family and culture.  Your problem is the problem of the current time, in which we are transcending the limits of race and culture. We must be careful to cherish the richness of the original cultures while overcoming their limits. I wish you the best of luck in your new life. "Mirrors and Teachers"  and "Creating Family Acceptance" will help you understand them better, and react better.   The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before 40 2nd Edition will give you a lot of information about building an independent life.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on How to Be a Loving Couple when You Have Kids

Parenthood is an overwhelming job. Kids, especially babies, seem to need you there constantly. It's very easy for parents to get so into the role that they lose sight of the couple relationship they used to have.  "Dr. Romance"  shows you how to devote adequate time to your kids and still keep a special part in your relationship for each other.  

Intimacy After Baby

The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong after starting a family is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed.

Intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted. When this feeling is created barriers fall.

*Gentle touch, eye contact a gentle sense of humor and the right words all create the atmosphere.

*Commenting positively on your partner's looks or the day's activities will also help.

*With a new baby, understand that your couple relationship will be put on hold for the first few months, until the baby is sleeping through the night.  Your relationship will not be a priority during this time, so the more realistic you are about this beforehand, the less resentful you'll be when it happens.

*After things settle down, the mother has recovered from giving birth, the baby is sleeping through the night, and you've established a routine, things will become somewhat easier.

*Try to organize your schedule so that you have some time together, without having to do chores or work, after the baby is asleep.

*Talk frequently about how you're both doing, whether your arrangement feels fair, and encourage your partner to talk about what's bothering him or her. Once you know how to express problems to each other, you have an opportunity to fix them before they become worse.

*If you can arrange for someone trustworthy to baby sit, take at least one night out a week together, or, if the baby can go to grandma's house, or a trusted friend's house, have an intimate, quiet night at home. Time by yourself will refresh you both for childcare and for the relationship.

*Hopefully both parents will be involved in childcare, which keeps the burden from being too great on one parent. If both parents contribute equally, each should have one night off while the other partner watches the child.

Here are four simple steps to create a successful marriage:

1. Talk frequently and honestly to each other -- about your frustrations, about sex, about anger, about disappointment, about your appreciation of each other, about the meaning of life, about everything.

2. Strive to work together to solve anything that comes up -- be a team, a partnership. Don't get stuck on who is right or wrong -- focus on what will solve the problem.

3. Keep your connection going -- through communication, sex, affection, understanding and concern for each other.

4. Have a sense of humor, give the benefit of the doubt, care about each other.

Learn more options for your relationship in How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't know if this is retaliation

Dear Dr. Romance:

I recently read "The One Who Got Away." While my situation doesn't parallel the situations you described in the article, it's very similar.

About 8-9 mos ago, I ran into a high school crush on a social media site – I took the first leap, and shot her a "hey how you doing – it's me so and so from high school" type email. We exchanged emails pretty regularly (at least once a day, but usually multiple times), and eventually exchanged numbers. From then on, emails graduated to phone calls & text messages.

This was an everyday thing – we'd literally "blow up" our cell phones with text messages, and she'd always call at least once a day. Unfortunately at the time, I couldn't call her because I didn't have long distance on my plan. Things were going pretty regularly, and eventually I told her that I felt strongly about her – in high school, and talking to her now is bringing all those feelings back. We talked about why we never dated (I was too shy, and she never knew), and stuff along those lines. We'd have long conversations about anything and everything: personal stuff, funny anecdotes, you name it. Here's the problem: Over the last 1-2 weeks or so, communication has dropped significantly. What used to be long conversations, are now one /two word replies.

We're not dating (we live in different states) but I've hinted at possibly moving down there – I do miss my old friends, but I would definitely like to be closer to her, especially because things can get misunderstood through text messaging. Yesterday, she said she was disappointed by something. She wouldn't reveal what, but when I jokingly said "is someone vying to date you" she replied back with "ehh. Not exactly". She's told me that she's not ready for a relationship (specifically, she doesn't have the energy for one – she just finalized everything with her ex, they were due to be married, but things didn't work out), but I guess I was so used to being able to talk with her everyday (either by phone or text), and this sudden change is doing my head in.

This has happened once or twice before, but things bounced back, and we would start talking pretty regularly again. There are other small things that I notice, but I think I might be reading too much into them – for example, we no longer comment on each other statuses on Facebook, however, she'll banter back and forth with a male friend of hers (admittedly, this has me thinking some not so nice thoughts – that she's concentrating on deepening things with him, hence the emotional distance between me and her) This has made me a little jealous..in fact, she was talking about something that made her jealous a few days prior, and I don't know if this is "retaliation" or if its something that's happening but she's not aware of it. Any advice?

Dear Reader:

It's hard to know what's bothering her, since she won't tell you, but I have a guess. I think she might feel that you're very cheap not to spring for the cost of a long-distance call to talk to her. Especially with VOIP (Internet phone) available for next to nothing, I think she'd get the idea that she's not worth the effort to you. Perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps you have actually paid for some calls, but if all the charges are hers, that's a problem.

Also, you're moving very quickly if you're telling her that you have deep feelings before even talking face-to-face. It's also very possible that she is putting more energy toward a guy who's geographically closer. There's no way to really know. She may be worried about getting into another relationship that doesn't work out.

What is the possibility that you can make a visit to her? It's really not so far from where you are. Make a plan to visit old friends there, and after the plan is set, let her know you'll be in town and ask her on a real date. Give her some advance notice, but don't let the trip depend on her. If you have friends there, you have a reason to visit.

You don't have to be extravagant, but do spend some money on her -- take her to a restaurant, a movie or some other typical dating venue. You've unfortunately allowed her to get the impression that you want a relationship without any groundwork, and I'm guessing she's feeling used. Another great thing to do is to get together with old friends and invite her to join you. If you do that, and she says no, then you'll know she's moved on to someone else. If she says yes, you have a chance (if you go slowly) to build something real.

You can't build a relationship on dreams of yesterday. At some point, it's got to be based on something real in today's world. "The Tennis Match: Balancing the Power in Your Relationship" and "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will help you understand the dynamics of your relationship and learn the skills to make it work. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today can help you get out of your fantasy world and into successful dating.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't want to be the victim of any Jezebel

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a gentle young graduate of about 30 years. Throughout my staying on the campus, I decided not to enter into any real relationship that could eventually lead to marriage (I mean I had nothing in common with girls). Now, I need a life partner, wish must be a graduate like me, pretty and most, God fearing. I don't want to be a victim of any Jezebel. Please help me out. I want to get married latest next year.

Dear Emmanuel:

From the tone of your letter, I am guessing you are involved in a church or religious group, and I recommend you seek there for a partner. I can understand why you had difficulty relating to the girls on campus. In fact, with your timeline and your concern about a Jezebel, you sound as if you're seeking an arranged marriage or something similar. "Where is Love?" and  "Relationships 101: Do Opposites Attract?" will help you understand more about relationships in general,  and "Stupid Cupid" will help you figure out what you want in your relationship.  However, I'm concerned that much of my advice will not coincide with your beliefs. I suggest you turn back to your religious roots to find the woman you're looking for. Seek out the elders in your religious community and ask for their advice.  Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will teach you tools for communicating with your partner about what each of you wants in the relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I have strong feelings for my boss

Dr. Dr. Romance,

I have strong feelings for my boss, he's 10 years older than me. I cannot explain why I have these feelings or why I think of him ....He's still my boss kinda, I'm working on a new mission and have a different boss now, its not the same. I miss my boss, I wonder if he misses me too! What do you think?

Dear Reader:

I think you're probably lonely, and because of that, you imagine the good connection you had with your former boss to be something more. I doubt if he shares the feelings, because he would have let you know. You need to take this as a sign that you need more social contact than just your work life. Find a project, hobby or interest outside work. Take a class in something that interests you, and begin meeting people and making friends beyond work.  "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" will give you more information on how to do this. Please don't continue to indulge in this fantasy about your boss. Get a real life instead.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will show you how to do it.

Once you have an active social life, it will lead you to the relationship you long for.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance On Your Heart's Desire

Dr. Romance writes: Your heart's desire -- what could it be? So many people, including many of my clients, are searching to know what it is would satisfy them, to give their lives focus and direction.

 "To find in ourselves what makes life worth living is risky business," writes Marsha Sinetar in   Ordinary People as Monks and Mystics  "for it means that once we know it we must seek it. It also means that without it life will be valueless."

Every day I help people work through problems of dependency and addiction. Did you know that problems with compulsive eating, substance abuse, destructive addictive relationships, and obsessive behavior are most often misguided attempts to satisfy the heart's desire?

We are such amazing miracles of creation. Within each of us is a driving force, that will NOT give up and go away. We can attempt to drown it out with loud, raucous living, to anesthetize it with food, drink or drugs, to avoid it through some zealotry or other, to ignore it by working obsessively, to be too overwhelmed drama and agony to notice it; but as soon as the unavoidable quiet moment happens, there it is, urging us on. Often, people misread this uncomfortable inner restlessness and call it "fear" or "loneliness", but it is only the call of the heart. Until we acknowledge it, it will not allow us to be at peace. Believe it or not, our hearts are filled with purpose and meaning, and will constantly press us to discover our true desire and act upon it.

I find that many people are autophobic, which means they’re afraid of themselves. They are afraid of feeling emotion, afraid of being forced to be alone with themselves, afraid to find out what is actually inside them. It actually comes down to fearing the power within. We run very fast, in an attempt to escape who we are.

The philosopher Joseph Campbell wrote: "If the person insists on a certain program, and doesn't listen to the demands of his own heart, he's going to risk a schizophrenic crackup. Such a person has put himself off center. He has aligned himself with a program for life, and it's not the one the body's interested in at all. The world is full of people who have stopped listening to themselves or have listened only to their neighbors to learn what they ought to do, how they ought to behave, and what the values are that they should be living for. ...my analysis of the human situation is that we would rather feel alive than be alive. Sometimes it kills you, to feel so alive out there on a battlefield somewhere, or in a corporate environment where it's quite clear that you're heading for a heart attack, and you don't change your course because you are living in that stream of energy and aliveness. You wind up bargaining your life away for it."

Reading through the wisdom of the ages, I have come across this advice time and time again. The greatest minds in the history of humankind insist that the costs of denying your heart's desire are far greater than anything that could happen by following it. When my clients overcome their reluctance to know who they are, they release an inner power that transforms their lives. I have seen the beauty of these changes over and over again.

If you want to find your heart’s desire, here is Dr. Campbell's advice about how to begin:

"This is an absolute necessity for anybody today. You must have a room, or a certain hour or so a day, where you don't know what was in the newspapers that morning, you don't know who your friends are, you don't know what you owe anybody, you don't know what anybody owes to you. This is a place where you can simply experience and bring forth what you are and what you might be. This is the place of creative incubation. At first, you may find that nothing happens there. But if you have a sacred place and use it, something eventually will happen... Where is your bliss station? You have to try to find it. Get a phonograph and put on the music that you really love, even if it's corny music that nobody else respects. Or get the book you like to read. In your sacred place you get the "thou" feeling of life ...for the whole world. I even have a superstition that has grown on me as a result...that if you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open the doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be."

I invite you to get acquainted with your heart's desire, so you can follow your bliss. Join me in a resolution to surrender, to slow down and find out what is inside, straining to get out, longing to make contact with you. Make a "sacred space" for yourself, and spend a little time in it, at first reading or listening to music, and little by little listening to your heart. Perhaps it will change your life, as it has so many others. Enjoy.

© Tina Tessina 2025 adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: My girlfriend does not like phone sex.

Dear Dr. Romance:

My girlfriend does not like phone sex. When ever bring the topic she is always mad at me. I don't know maybe it's the way her ex treated her. Please help

Dear Reader:

You can't have phone sex with your girl if she doesn't like it, and you can't force her to like it. Instead, you have to make it attractive to her.  So, turn on your charm, find out how she feels about it, instead of just trying to talk her into it. If it is about the way her ex treated her, you need to listen to her, and let her tell you about it.  "Getting to Yes" helps you understand how to talk to her about phone sex and sex in general. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will show you how to develop a mutually satisfying relationship. It gives you scripts and guidelines for talking about sex in a productive way.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: How Can I Let Him Go?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read  "Letting Go Takes Love" and it really spoke to me. I am in a situation and I was wondering if you could give me quick advice. I feel the need to let go of someone because he basically doesn't know what he wants. We have been going back and forth with the issue over a year now.

The barriers of friendship have been broken long ago but he still seems uncomfortable with the idea of labeling it anything more. He broke things off with me about 2 months ago and we have tried to stay away from each other. Every time I finally begin to move on with my life he appears and calls or emails and then we seem to slip back into the previous mode we were in. I have made it more than clear that I cannot have just 10% of him and needed to stop contact for the time being so I could get the idea of us being in a relationship out of my head. However, that doesn't seem to work either and seems to make him contact me more.

Yet we never progress into anything more than "friends". I feel weak because every time he contacts me I speak to him but every time I am left feeling like I am missing something in my life: him. It is a painful process. Yet he knows all this and won't leave me be so I can move on.

I do not want to be harsh to him and take drastic measures but my heart cannot take anymore of this. How can I let him go for myself and let go of the hope that I still have that him and I will end up together? I am not ready to date other people and the thought of it terrifies me. I just need him to take the next step or to leave me alone completely for awhile so I can get over it.

Why am I stuck in the same spot and why can't he just give us a try or just leave me alone?

Dear Reader:

You need to understand that he's not going to leave you alone. You are backup for him, and every time you pull away, he'll come closer. You're going to have to be the "bad guy" in this relationship, and stop the contact from your side. He's got what he wants, you haven't, so it's up to you to put the brakes on. Block his phone calls, emails, and social media so you aren't tempted to respond. Your whole life is in limbo so this commitment-avoidant guy can feel he's got someone hanging around whenever he needs you. You're making this way too easy. Read "Your Primary Relationship",  and "Dating: Don't Be His Backup Plan" for help in developing the determination to cut this guy off. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you get prepared to date again, and find a man who can really commit.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: why do I always have sex on the first date?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm trying to find out why I always have sex on the first date. This is not to say that I have sex with every girl I date, or even that every girl I've gone out with has even been interested in me. It is simply to say that the overwhelming majority of my "situations" have been one date situations, for whatever reason and on the occasions that the woman is interested in me, we usually end up having sex.

To make matters worse (or more clear), I can meet someone on Thursday, call her on Friday, and usually by the end of that conversation we're talking about sex and she's ready to go at it, even if we were talking about politics at the beginning of the conversation. In the end, one of two things usually happens:

1: I have sex and never see the girl again (even if I call), or

2: I never see the girl again and never have sex with her (even if I call).

This is both a serious compliment to me (who doesn't want to be sexy?) and a serious impediment as I'd like to actually get to know one of these women and find someone decent to have a relationship with. However, without knowing how to prevent the sex and/or the running away (on the occasions that the woman is interested but decides not to pick up the phone ever again) from happening, it is proving difficult to figure out the cause and thus prevent it from happening.

Asking the women hasn't yielded any answers, nor has asking the few female friends I have left. One did mention that she thought my intelligence might be a problem for most women... then she became attracted to me and I never saw her again... others have mentioned that I have a sexy speaking voice... but nothing I feel that can really help me out. Do you have any ideas?

Dear Reader:

I think you must be, consciously or not, leading the conversation to sex. It's probably a habit you have developed over years, and it works for you to some degree, so you aren't really aware of it. You're right. Sex on the first date almost always means it's a one-night stand. So, if you want a real, lasting relationship, you've got to learn to say "later;"  postpone sex until at least the fourth or fifth date. and give both of you a chance to get to know each other.

My guess is the women don't take you seriously. They think you're a player, you're using them, and they decide to just have sex with you (or not) to use you for their pleasure, but they don't want to see you again, because they don't believe you'll be faithful. You may have developed an unconscious habit of leading the conversation to sex, which makes you look like a player to the women. Therefore, they decide there's no possibility of a relationship, so they either decide to have a one-night stand or to forget it.

To change the habit, you have to decide to wait until at least the third or fourth date to have sex, and to monitor your conversation style to remove sexual hints and invitations. This is not so easy to do, but it can be done. You have to begin with a conversation with yourself, about what you want right now, and what you want for real.  "Asking for What You Want" will show you the difference between immediate gratification (one night stand) and long-term satisfaction (relationship.)

Understand which one you're going for. If you just want a quickie, fine, there's nothing wrong with it. But, know it usually means the relationship will go no farther. Usually, it's too difficult to figure out if you want a real relationship on one date, so that's why I say have at least four or five dates, to give you an idea of who this woman is, and whether you'd like a real relationship with her.

Do different things on your dates than you've been doing. Do your usual dates involve drinking? This lowers inhibitions, and makes sex more likely. Do you invite women home with you, or go to their home? That also increases the odds that you'll have sex right away. Instead, take a date somewhere different. Avoid bars. Try a little neighborhood restaurant, and limit yourself to a glass of wine.

For a second date, invite the woman to take a walk somewhere (a nice park, a zoo, a museum) or take her to a ball game (the local college game is cheaper than a pro game, and usually more fun.) Figure out what you're interested in, and try sharing that. If the two of you have similar interests, you're more likely to be compatible.

Perhaps you need to change where you're finding women in the first place: my article "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will give you some new ideas.   Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has more ideas on how to make your dating more successful.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance Happiness Tip: New Year's Resolution: Letting Go of Anxiety

Dr. Romance asks: What is the best New Year's resolution you can make for your happiness? Answer: To let go of Anxiety.  These days, it seems that there’s one disaster after another. Not only do we have do deal with an angry Mother Nature, but all sorts of fanatics and psychopaths are on the news every night. Add this to normal life issues, illness, financial stress and family troubles, and the triggers for anxiety abound. We are all in a time of high stress, and news events as well as personal life problems often bring up fear. If these fears are not dealt with, they can lead to "acting out" behavior, such as drinking too much or creating problems in your relationship, your job or about money problems as a distraction.

What we used to call worry, and have updated to anxiety, is a continuous stream of negativity that keeps interrupting your mode of thought and that you find it hard to get away from. It's usually not focused on any one thing, but jumps from negative thought to negative thought. Worry drains and wastes your energy and makes you less likely to make good decisions. If you take that same energy you're using running around in mental circles, and do something productive with it, it'll serve you better.

Often in my own life, I use a zen concept of beginner's mind in the context of starting over. That is, to approach a new or difficult experience without expectations, willing to learn new things, willing to not be an expert, but to feel uncomfortable and incompetent, and to enjoy the experience of being a learner. This leaves one open to better experiences than would be otherwise possible.

Letting go, in the sense of trying not to control things makes every situation easier to handle. Another word for it is acceptance. In the long run, we gain more control by letting go. Rather than fight what's going on, and try to deny bad things that happen use your beginner's mind to face it, do what you can, and learn from it.

Letting go in the sense of acceptance is an internal, private process. You don’t need to let anyone else know you’re doing it. Take charge of your negative thoughts (that's one thing totally in your control) and turn them around: argue with them, fight them off, wrestle with them. Put energy into it. What you need to let go of is the things outside that you can't control. Other people, life's events, loss, disappointment. Stop trying to change what won’t change, accept what is, let it be and live life as it is. Yes, I know it’s easier said than done, but once you get a handle on it, life itself is easier. Fretting about what you can’t control is an endless, useless waste of energy you can use elsewhere.

If you’re doing a lot of negative thinking, do a reality check. Are the stories in your head about what actually happened, or about what you imagine happened? Instead of pretending, worrying, being in the past or the future, focus on what's real. Don't waste time and energy trying to figure out what someone else is thinking, especially what they were thinking about you. You won't get it right anyway. Tell the truth to yourself, the whole truth, not just the negative parts.

When you face the reality, you must feel your feelings. Denying the truth is a way to avoid your feelings. When you just let it be, accept it, the feelings will come up, and they will heal you.

Late Night Worry: Get out of the habit of using your brain as a memo pad. The best sleep aid I know is a pencil and paper by your bed to write down whatever is bugging you. If you're worried

about forgetting something, write it down. If you're anxious about something you have to do, organize it with a written plan or checklist.

‘What if’ Worry: Fretting about what might happen? Figure out what you would do in case the hypothetical disaster occurs. Answer the what if" question factually. "What if I forget Susie's Dr. Appointment?" Answer: "I've got a lot to do. I'll start carrying a calendar with everything marked on it."

Endless Replay Worry. If you regret something you said or something that happened, then figure out how you could handle that situation better next time. Practice it over and over until you feel confident you know what you're doing.

Obsessive thinking is common. If it's interfering with your ability to function, get help. If obsessive thinking keeps you from leaving the house or working productively, or if you're sleeping all the time, or not sleeping well, or it's disrupting your relationships, then consult a trained therapist. As emotional problems go, obsessive thinking is simple to fix.

To learn to let go, follow these simple steps for resolving your fear and anxiety:

1. Learn to recognize the signs of your own anxiety. If you can't sleep, you worry a lot, you ruminate" or obsess about negative possibilities, or you're unusually irritable or needy, you are probably anxious, and need to manage your thoughts.

2. Give yourself a chance to complain and express your fear. When you're facing loss, problems or unwanted changes that are the result of a problem or someone else’s actions, you will have some resistance and objections. Allow yourself some time to complain and be unhappy about the situation. Express as many of the negative feelings and thoughts as possible, either verbally or on paper. If your fear is overwhelming, and you are having anxiety attacks, a therapist can help you with this part.

3. Evaluate your fears and complaints. Allow yourself some time to consider the points you made in your list. Is there anything that you can do differently? Do you want to? Have you made all the choices you can? Are you thinking clearly about the problem? Are you angry at anyone specifically? Are you resisting unnecessarily? If you have a choice, do you still want to change things? If you don't have a choice, can you see some alternatives? Do your options look different to you now?

4. Befriend yourself to build trust. Discuss the problem with yourself as helpfully as you would with another friend. Brainstorm for ideas, realistic or even silly, about what you could do to make things better. For example:
• I could move somewhere else and avoid the whole thing.
• I could talk to Harry and see if he can help me think this through.
• I could ask for specific help. (List the help you want)
• I could get an Extreme Makeover.
• I could win millions in the lottery and be able to buy my safety.
• I could go on with my life, doing the best I can, and trust that God will take care of me.

5. Do whatever you can to check the facts, and consider all the possibilities for taking care of yourself and those you love.

6. Review and decide. Once you've expressed your anger and disappointment, evaluated your feelings, brainstormed ideas and checked the facts, you will be feeling much more in charge of yourself and this situation. Review what you've discovered and make some decisions.

7. Sell yourself on a positive outcome. Think of all the possible great outcomes of the changes you're making. Consider what you will learn

To let go of small things:

1: Perspective: Put them in perspective: will it be important an hour from now; fifteen minutes from now? Most of them won't be.

2. Self-understanding: If someone or something upsets you, don't exacerbate the problem by getting on your own case for reacting. Reactions are normal; it's what we do with them that counts.

3: Rise above: If someone frightened you (a driver who cut you off) then give a little prayer of thanks that you survived, bless the other driver (who probably needs it) and you'll feel better.

4. Benefit of the doubt: If someone hurt your feelings, acknowledge that your feelings are hurt, then consider that the other person is probably more clumsy than intentionally hurtful. The world is full of emotional klutzes who don't realize the impact of their words and actions, and they create more problems for themselves than for you.

5. Consider the source: A neighbor or associate who is truly nasty may repeatedly hurt your feelings. Consider what must be going on inside that person's head, and be grateful that you're not hearing that. Even the meanest people are far nastier to themselves than they are to others. That person is tryin to relieve his or her pain by inflicting some on you.

6: Adult time out: If someone repeatedly hurts, abuses or disrespects you, the best way to handle it is with an adult time out.

Handling difficult personalities takes skill and knowhow. Here's a technique anyone can learn to use that works every time.

Adult time out

If someone behaves badly in your presence, giving that adult a "time out" is a powerful and subtle way of fixing the problem. All you need to do is become very distant and polite around the person who is not treating you well. No personal talk and interaction, no joking, no emotion. Be very polite, so the person cannot accuse you of being unpleasant, mean or rude. There is no need to explain what you are doing: the problem person will get the message from your behavior -which is much more effective. Most people will change, but even if the person's behavior doesn't change, you can leave him or her in "time out" and you won’t have to be anxious about his or her behavior.

(c) Tina B. Tessina, 2024 (From It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  and Stop Overthinking: A Workbook to Stop Perfectionism, People Pleasing, Self-Sabotage, and Other Forms of Negative Thinking )

 
For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I have strong feelings for my plastic surgeon

Dear Dr. Romance:

I saw you on the web and thought I would ask you about my attraction to my plastic surgeon. I am almost 50, and have been having procedures done for 6 months now. He is my age and married with 2 school-age children and a younger wife.  I have very strong feelings for him and NO, it is not transference. I have felt that before while in therapy and this is different.

He is very good looking and I was attracted to him immediately. He always kisses me on my cheek (lately it is getting closer to my lips) he told me I was an amazing woman. When I ask him in what way; he said in every aspect from my personality to the way I heal to my great attitude on life. He likes my hair. He said I was wonderful when I told him I was attracted to him and I thought he was very good looking and found it difficult to keep my distance from him.

He took my hands in his one time (interlocked) and pulled me toward him and than back. I know he is not able to respond to me directly without risking losing his license. Is it my imagination or is he attracted to me maybe feeling something for me? Or, is he just being very nice. That is something else too. He told me I was so nice and it was rare in his business to have a patient like me and he appreciated it very much. I want him and know I can't be with him. How do I deal with it?  I really feel the need to tell him my feelings before I can let them go. I will be finished soon with my surgeries and won't see him for 3 months then 6 months and finally 1 year. Any advice ? 

Dear Reader:

You're not going to like this answer. If you really need plastic surgery, find another doctor. What are you thinking? He's a married man, and he's making money off you: that's why he kisses your cheek. You're living in a fantasy world, and it's very unhealthy for you. Run, do not walk, back to therapy. Please read  "True Beauty: Honor the God or Goddess In You" "Where is Love?" and "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" You deserve to have a happy life, and these articles will point you in the right direction. The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will help you re-evaluate and refocus to create a happier life.  52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A Guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth will help you get on a more even keel and lay the foundation for finding a new relationship.

   

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I need your help fast!

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am so happy I could find someone like you to talk to. I am a regular guy and I use your articles for my relationship and it has really helped me. But I am sending you this mail because I need your assistance and i need it fast.

The problem is I have a very hot temper and it is always affecting me when me and my spouse argue. We love each other and understand each other but she is always doing things that gets me upset and then it leads to anger. She gets carried away with friends easily and she forgets what we have to do sometimes or even forgets to call me till I call. She says she's sorry but she does it all the time.

Things like this makes me get angry but the more I try to control it she does the same thing again . What can I do to control my anger and make my relationship work out?

Dear Reader:

The first thing you get wrong is that you think because something makes you angry, you are entitled to throw a temper tantrum. This is wrong. You can learn to control your temper, stay rational, and ask for what you want. Don't be so proud of your hot temper. It's a big problem, and it will eventually get you in trouble, if it hasn't already.  Correcting it will not be fast: you have to devote time and energy to change.

Your spouse doesn't listen to you because she has learned to shut you out. She probably feels that nothing she does is right anyway, so why bother to try and please you? "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will help you and your wife  learn how to negotiate and make agreements that you can both keep. "Anger -- Cleansing Squall or Hurricane" will show you how  to keep your anger under control, and "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" will show her how to make promises she can keep about time. "How Not to Fight" will teach you how to relate better to each other, and  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will help you both understand how to negotiate and communicate effectively.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]