Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dr. Romance Happiness Tip: Creating Connections: Draw Them In

Dr. Romance writes: 
Many years ago, an Edwin Markham poem inspired me, and I’ve tried to live by it:  

Outwitted

He drew a circle that shut me out —
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But Love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle that took him in!

As Markham says, we could see people who are distant or rejecting as upsetting, tempting us to call them bad names, but drawing them in with love works so much better. As I’ve said before in these posts, almost all of my genetic family are long gone, and I don’t have that connection to draw on to surround myself with love, but that hasn’t prevented me from drawing people in.

There are more kinds of love than birth families, romance and marriage. Relationships are a precious resource, especially if your genetic family is far away, or doesn’t get along particularly well. Not only does it take a “village” (community) to raise a child, but in our mobile and fast-paced society, a sense of community, family and connectedness helps us to function more effectively as adults in all phases of life. From ancient times, individuals, neighbors and friends who learned to take care of each other, to love each other, and to nurture relationships with each other were more likely to survive.

A sense of love and intimacy, connection and community is critical to well-being. For example, when you marry, you’re bringing strangers together to form a blended family, which can be a challenge. The most important thing is to give the various relationships time. Change is difficult for everyone, so understand that it will take a while for things to settle down. If you're consistent about caring, respect and communicating as much as possible, Most of your genetic and chosen family members will learn to get along.

Blended families and ethnic groups mean that everyone learns to honor different traditions, lifestyles and preferences. Blending and fusing goes on for years, as your relationship develops and your family grows. One family member may think being loving is exactly what others see as terribly intrusive. One friend may value sharing and intimacy, another may value respect and privacy.

Do’s and Don’ts for blending friends and family:

DO find opportunities for your chosen family and your genetic family to get to know each other. DON’T bring new guests to family traditions (like Holiday celebrations) without clearing it first.
DO invite your friends and family to meet on neutral ground (like a restaurant or your own house) DON’T pressure people to get along with each other. Let them find their own connection.
DO introduce friends and family with a little bit of positive info about each: “Mom, this is Susan: she loves to read, like we do” “Susan, this is Emily, my mother. She taught me my love of books”
DON’T participate in negative discussions behind someone’s back: say what you like about them instead. “Yes, I know Susie isn’t Jewish (Italian, Mexican, etc.), but she loves our traditions, and she’s a good person”
DO prepare your friends before introducing them to your family’s quirks. “Aunt Jennie can talk your ear off, but she’s got a kind heart.” “Uncle Bob is critical, but he’s the one who helped me get through college”
DON’T get your expectations too high. Allow time for everyone to get to know each other, and don’t pay too much attention to first reactions.

You can create various networks (families) of friends to bring that harmony into your life.
∙ Your chosen family – Warm friend provide a cushion and a shield in life’s difficult times — someone to talk to when you need support or advice, and to celebrate your triumphs with you. It’s a great blessing to be surrounded by a trusted and trustworthy group of friends who make your life’s journeys with you, and know exactly how far you’ve come.
∙ Your neighborhood family -- Friendly neighbors make your neighborhood, your apartment building or condo complex, your block safer. Their watchfulness will protect you against vandalism and other problems. Know your neighbors and they will call 911 for you, or watch your children, take package deliveries, or feed your pets.
∙ Your family of origin – Family is the network we turn to first in times of need, and to share the good times, too. If your family has drifted apart, try building a partial family network with those you like or who live close by, and soon other family members could be drawn closer.
∙ Your fun family. These people enjoy the things you like to do. Families who want to do parent/child activities, or fellow single people who share your weekends and holidays. Or couples who join you for fun times. Parents of similar-age children can share car-pooling, baby-sitting, information and support.

By creating family feelings in several areas of your life, you’ll have the joy of the give and take of friendship, anytime you want.

As time passes, and you look back on your life, you are likely to feel best about the good things you did for others and the positive contributions you have made to your friends and family. Perhaps life will present you with an opportunity to give back to friends. Being there in times of need, helping out in times of illness or bereavement, or just being a sympathetic listener when a friend is stressed can be more valuable to them than you imagine.

You’ll create blessings for yourself when you share your rituals, holidays, laughter and information. Welcome friends who are alone into your family’s good times. With these “chosen families” you can offer comfort in life’s difficult times, and be a willing participant in celebrating successes. Everything you give will come back to you multiplied. In the spirit of peace and love, I wish you the joy of connection. (adapted from The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty)

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: What type of dating safety precautions should one take?

Dear Dr. Romance:
How can one be sure that a person they met through a dating service is not disturbed in any way?
What type of safety precautions can one take?

Dear Reader:

Love has a much better chance to be realized if you make some of your choices mentally, as well as by emotional attachment and chemistry. Choose commitments both with the "parent" or judgmental, evaluating, critical thinking method; and the "child" or romantic, turned on, chemistry method. I call this choosing from the neck up, as well as from the neck down. You'll use better judgment if you think of matchmaking for yourself. You can think like a matchmaker (or a hard- to-please parent), when considering commitment. The Mirriam -Webster Online Dictionary defines judgment as "the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing." Take time out from your excitement and evaluate your match, using the components of judgement: think, observe, evaluate, ask, remember, experiment, speculate and empathize.  "You Be the Judge"

Dr. Romance’s guide to dating safely:

* Be skeptical, not gullible. When you're meeting dates online (it is not dating until it's face-to-face) you have no way of knowing who they are. Don't be afraid to ask for details, Google your date, ask to talk to friends and family members, let your date meet your friends. You need objective people to scope a new person out. Best of all, use a reputable site that screens candidates.

* Be realistic, not romantic. Don't develop a fantasy about anew date until you know the facts. It's a tough world out there.

* Focus on friendship. Concentrate on developing the friendship. Romance follows later, after you've done your research. *Don't tell a new acquaintance too much: Don't give away your address, home phone, work location until you know who you're dealing with . If you have children, protect them by being discreet.

* Pay attention to behavior, as well as words; seek to discover character, don't fall for just looks and charm.

*Don't assume you're dating exclusively if you haven't discussed it.

*Don't rush into sex: Going slowly into sex reduces the risk of STDs; avoids the awkwardness of intimacy with a total stranger; stops codependent obsession; and makes sex more special. There's no advantage in rushing -- when sex is right, it will happen. If a date leaves because you won't have sex right away, there was no possibility of a relationship anyway.

*Don't get too self-conscious. The media focus on youth and fitness can make you feel insecure and unattractive. When you meet, look your (appropriate) best, and then forget about it. Instead of worrying what your date thinks of you, focus on what you think of your date.

from Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: How Can I get over the nervousness of dating again?

Dear Dr. Romance:

How can one get over the nervousness of dating again when its been quite a few years since their last date?

Dear Reader:

If your last relationship lasted for a while, dating again can be a scary proposition. 

These guidelines can help:

Dr. Romance's Guidelines for Successful Dating

• Avoid Anxiety and Giddiness
Dating is exciting and energizing. Of course you should have fun and enjoy the moment, but if you get too excited, anxious and hyper, you might come on too strong. It’s important that your anxiety not mask the real you. Keep your thoughts on the reality that you don’t know what is going to happen to the relationship. Pay attention to what you are learning about your date, and allow the relationship to develop slowly over many dates like this.
• Use the Power of Charm
Remember how powerful your smile can be, and use your eye contact and ask questions to keep the conversation flowing. Think about what interests you about your date, and show interest in his or her opinions, experiences and activities. Be complementary whenever possible, and respond intelligently to whatever is said to you.
• Have Fun — Don’t Get Too Heavy
Keep your date light and easy, and have a good time. If you keep the focus of your attention on being pleasant, having fun, and not getting too far ahead of the relationship, you will be great company. 
• Make Conversation Interesting and Easy, With No Deep Secrets
You can talk about anything, including your personal lives, past relationships and love in general, but don’t be the one who brings up the intimate topics first. Be careful not to pry too deeply into your date’s private life and secrets, unless the information is voluntarily offered. You’ll learn a lot more about your date if you are genuinely interested in hearing what he or she has to say; than if you conduct an interrogation.
• Don’t Talk Too Much about Yourself
Keep your focus on learning about your date and don’t get into talking too much about yourself. Dole out some information about you, especially if it relates to what your date is saying, but don’t let yourself talk endlessly about your own life, opinions, experiences or activities. 
• Pay Attention!!! You Have Things to Learn Here!
The most important aspect of any date, in addition to having a good time, is to get to know each other better. No matter how excited, turned on or thrilled you may be about this date, listening to what your date says, watching what your date does and understanding how your date feels are still your primary objectives. Keep an objective viewpoint in the back of your mind and think about what your date is revealing to you.
• What Your Date Thinks of You Is Not Your Business — Focus on What You Think of Your Date.
One of the easiest ways to lose your objectivity and balance in this is to let yourself worry about what your date thinks about you. I call this “getting into your date’s head.” If you spend your time essentially trying to look at yourself through your date’s eyes, guessing what he or she is seeing when looking at you, or hearing when listening to you, you’ll miss what’s really happening. It’s a very self-involved thing to do, and it makes it impossible for you to relate intelligently to your date. What your date thinks of you is not really your business. You have a responsibility to pay attention so you know what YOU think of your date. 

Hopefully, in all these considerations, because you’ve thought about the serious issues in advance, you’ll still be able to relax and have a good time—so good, that you decide to keep dating each other. 

Keep in mind that you’re not looking for just sex or romance—if you want a long-term relationship, the character of the person that will determine whether your relationship will be a success, not his or her outward appearance. Here are some Dating Do's and Don'ts to help
you.

Dating Do’s and Don’ts 
DO'S
• Do ‘shop around’—don't stay focused on one person until you've given yourself a choice.
• Do listen. Don't monopolize the conversation. You'll learn even more about your date, and be more relaxed. 
*Do focus on friendship. When you’ve just met someone, you can't know where it might go, so concentrate on developing the friendship. You can have as many friends as you want.
• Do get feedback. Offer your comments on the event or the restaurant, and ask your date what he or she thought of it, for future reference.
• Do let your date know if you enjoyed his/her company. A compliment is always welcome. If you'd like to do it again, say so. 
• If you promise to call, mean it. If you've decided not to continue the relationship but feel you can't say so, don't make empty promises.
• Do tell the truth—don't lie, but also don't share too much too soon. You don't need to tell your date about other dates if you two have no agreement about exclusivity. Wait until the relationship has progressed to exclusivity.
• Do pay attention to the clues about your date—you need to learn about this person's character, not just looks and charm.

DON'TS
• Don’t assume your date is exclusive with you if you've never talked about it. 
• Don't be afraid of silence. Occasional silences allow a conversation to feel natural and unforced.
• Don't make sex the objective. Good reasons for going slowly into sexual activity include: reducing the risk of sexually transmitted diseases, avoiding the awkwardness of intimacy with a total stranger; averting codependent obsession; and having sex to look forward to. If and when sex is right, it will happen—there’s no advantage in rushing. 
• Don't date beyond your budget. It doesn't impress your date if, in the long run, you have to make an embarrassing confession, and “buying” someone's company doesn’t work. A wide disparity in income calls for frank discussion early on. If your date spends a lot on you, reciprocating with a home-cooked meal, a hand-made gift, or needed repair work will even the
tally. 
• Don't get too self-conscious. The media focus on youth and fitness these days can make anyone feel insecure and unattractive. Look your best, then forget about it. Instead of worrying what your date thinks of you, focus on what you think of your date.

"Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will show you how to prepare for dating and how to find a suitable partner.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today contains a lot more information designed to make dating fun, successful and safe.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My father opposes my inter-racial relationship

Dear Dr. Romance:

My question of the week is how to deal with family opposition of my inter-racial relationship. My dad, who is in his 70s, is vehemently opposed to my relationship with my fiance (who is white). He hasn't even met him and given him a chance. It is quite frustrating given that our wedding is in a few months and I'm not even sure he will come. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Reader:

Be patient with your Dad. Perhaps he's taking this personally; as if your choice of a man of a different race is a slight to him. He loves you, he'll probably come around. Just keep calmly repeating, like broken record: "Dad, I love this man, and he loves me. We are happy. I love you, too, and I hope you can be happy for me. I'll be very sad on my wedding day if you're not there."

Don't push him, don't argue with him. You don't want to make it harder for him to give in. Just keep going with your wedding plans, involve your mother if she's willing, and make it possible for your dad to change his mind and come, even at the last minute. Have a plan B for if he's not there (someone else to give you away, etc.) Have faith, and trust that your Dad will get over his issue, when he sees his objections are not going to stop you. Many good wishes to you for your happiness. "Creating Family Acceptance"  will help you understand how to respond to  your family and "Getting to Yes" will help you improve your communication.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction explains how your family issues came about and what to do about them.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Emotional Hygiene

Dr. Romance writes:

Life is frequently not easy, and we often encounter problems and difficulties that require us to pay attention to our own feelings.

Relationships, whether with family, spouses and partners, friends or even colleagues, can create emotional fallout that we need to take care of. In addition, if we want to maintain emotional health and balance; create as much happiness as possible in life; and maintain what the twelve-step programs call serenity or inner peace; our emotions require care.

Physical and Emotional Hygiene 

I call this ongoing, routine care of feelings emotional hygiene. Most of us learned things about bodily hygiene and health in school and at home from our parents: wash behind your ears, brush and floss your teeth, wash your body and your hair on a regular basis; as well as washing your hands frequently to minimize your exposure to viruses and germs. Eating well, sleeping and exercising can be considered part of hygiene – maintaining good health. To do this well, you do these healthy things on a regular basis – once in a while isn’t effective for creating good health.

Emotional hygiene works in a similar way. Most of my clients are surprised to learn that their emotions, too, need daily care to maintain optimum balance. Just as consistent showering, hand-washing and tooth-brushing can help you maintain physical health and well-being and reduce your time in the doctor and dentist’s office, emotional hygiene can help you maintain emotional well-being and reduce the need for therapy, prescriptions and stress-related problems.

Here are some recommendations for daily emotional hygiene:

1. Meet Yourself

Whether you realize it or not, the relationship you have with yourself sets the pattern for how you connect with others. By developing a nurturing way to relate to yourself, you create a personal experience of both giving and receiving friendship. 

Checking in with yourself on a daily basis, knowing how you feel and what you think about whatever is going on in your life will make you happier and reduce your stress. Being kind to yourself and having a good relationship with you gives you a paradigm to follow which will make all your relationships with other people go more smoothly.

Understanding your feelings helps you make appropriate choices in every phase of your life. A big advantage of knowing who you are is knowing how to pamper and comfort yourself when you’re stressed or tired.

Use what you have learned about your style to develop a style for recharging and relaxing:  

What makes you most comfortable?

What soothes you?

What helps you recharge?

It can be anything from a bubble bath, a yoga session, or your favorite music to a long walk in the country, a phone conversation with your best friend, or a nap. Make a list of your favorite “personal rechargers”. Make sure the list includes simple things you can do cheaply (such as relax with a cup of tea and read a favorite book) to things that are very special (such as spend a day at a bed and breakfast or have a massage and a facial). Keep the list where you can refer to it whenever you feel in need of a recharge, and make use of it often.

Some people believe being a good friend to yourself is selfish, but you’ll discover that it’s really the opposite, because if you maintain your internal friendship, it becomes easier to be a good friend to others, and to recognize when others are good friends to you.

2. Clear out resentment and bitterness:

Clinging to resentment can be very destructive. Resentment comes from not wanting to take responsibility for yourself: you've been disappointed, but you don't want to really acknowledge it, and you also don't want to do the work of choosing a new goal, so you avoid it by wallowing in self-pity. If what happened to that you're resenting mimics a previous trauma, or your worst nightmare (you've been betrayed -- again ), you're more likely to sink into bitterness. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, and it feels like you're doomed. It's a mental mechanism keep you from having to grow up.

Here's how to get over resentment and bitterness:

1. Swear off guilt: Guilt is like time payments you can keep suffering forever. Instead, do the grieving you need to do, figure out how you helped create the problems (or accepted them) and decide to change what didn't work before. Grieve all you need, but don't exaggerate your feelings.

2. Don't assign blame: If you blame someone else, you'll eventually turn that blame on yourself. So, instead of blaming, find some more neutral things to say  "We saw things differently"  “I gave it my best shot, but it didn’t work.”

3. Focus on re-building your life: Resentment is not practical it's a negative fantasy. Focus on the practical things you need to do and think. Get your emotional, personal and financial life together as soon as you can. Think about all the things you've been freed up to do, and do some of them. Try things you would never have done before, or things you've always wanted to do. It's been said thant living well is the best revenge. Use the energy from your anger and grief, and channel them into doing things just for you. Try out for the play at the local theater, take dancing lessons or an art class, learn to scuba dive, get a pet, or plant a garden. Develop a support group for people with a similar problem.  All of those things will keep you focused on the present and the future, instead of the past.

3. Maintain your happiness:

Do what you can to bring as much happiness as possible to yourself and others. Being happy is undeniably good for you: the endorphins it releases reduce stress and pain, and boost your health and immune system. It also makes you glad to be alive and pleasant to be around.

There are three things you can do to create more happiness in your life:

1. Gratitude: Remember to notice and be thankful for whatever you have, what your friends, family and partner do for and give to you.

2. Generosity: Giving to others, especially giving thanks and kindness will make you happy, because most others will give back.

3. Ethics: Living your life according to a set of ethics that make sense to you will make you feel good about yourself, and increase your happiness.

4. Set aside regular time for yourself:

Me time is important for nurturing your relationship with yourself. It is proof that you care about yourself, just as when your friend or partner spends time with you, you feel cared about. Take it as seriously as your business appointments or dates with other people you love. One day a week, I go swimming at the gym, then take myself out for a healthy lunch at a favorite restaurant. I almost never skip this, and I don’t invite anyone to join me. It’s my time for me, and it helps me stay on an even keel.

5. Spend time with people you love 

Being with people you care about and who care about you is a great way to affirm your value as a person, and to confirm that your life has meaning and purpose. Make sure you take good care of your friendship and family relationships. It’s a great way to take care of you. Emotional maintenance means thinking about your emotional health and staying in touch with your feelings. When my clients begin to focus on emotional hygiene, they report feeling increased hope and energy. You, too, can have renewed hope and energy, and that's my wish for you.

From It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm Desperate: What Else Can I Do?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I suffer with sleeping alone in "our" bedroom while my wife of 14 years, sleeps in our two pre-teen sons' bedroom.  I've tried to talk and reason with her about this important problem, only to fall on deaf ears. I'm desperate.  What else can i do?  How can i get an autographed copy of your book?  I do a lot of reading in our bed since not much else ever happens.

Dear Reader:

It sounds like you need some help getting through to your wife, so why not go for counseling? A counselor would tell her that what she's doing is not good for your sons or your marriage. Be aware that she may want out of the marriage -- do you understand what turned her off? I'm not sure you're telling me everything, and I'm certainly not hearing her side.

Instead of telling her she's wrong, try listening to her side of the story. Maybe you have to change some things about how you deal with each other.  "Asking for What You Want"; "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely", "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" and "How to Be Irresistible to Your Mate"   are all full of information that can help you find out what the real problem is. I think Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences  is the best book for your situation.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't know how to choose a man

Dear Dr. Romance:

You give good advice and I really like the articles you have here.  I wish I could apply it to my life.  I have married and divorced twice and i always tell myself "I don't know how to choose a man".

But is it the man or me who is wrong? I don't know. Now, I have a new relationship and I am afraid to lose again this time. Can you tell me what to do?

Dear Reader:  

Thanks for letting me know enjoyed the articles. There are many articles there that can help you, like "Keys to a Happy Relationship";  "Couples Can Cooperate for Success"; and "Creating Unconditional Love" which will help you and your new partner develop a successful relationship.  "You be the Judge" gives you a way to make sure you have a good man. 

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will give you a lot of information and exercises you can do by yourself or with your partner to hone your relationship skills.  

How to Be Happy Partners:, Working it Our Together will show you how to work with your new partner to solve problems that come up in a cooperative way, and become a healthy, happy team.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I keep telling him not to push me.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I find your articles very interesting. I have a minor problem with my husband. he keeps telling me that I don't listen and that I am stubborn.  I admit my mind goes blank sometimes because he expects a lot from me and treats me like a teenager.  I keep telling him not to push me.

I have a full time job as an administrative assistant at a university, and we have our business where we have a person working but I am in the shop on Saturday, and I normally do the banking and the home chores.  We have no kids and have been married ten years. I do listen but I am only human and I make mistakes.  He always wants to be around his brother and wife.  She often accuses my husband of harrassing her. When his brother and sister-in-law  are not around everything is good with us, he pays attention to me instead of them. 

Dear Reader:

It sounds like you and your husband need to agree on times to talk with each other about important things. He sounds needy, and your sister-in-law's comment that he harasses her is further evidence of that. You sound very busy, so it would be helpful if you talked to him about setting up times when you two can talk, and in return he would understand when you're busy and can't talk. Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will help you establish a new way of solving problems and "Asking for What You Want" will help you be heard.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will show you how to communicate without fighting.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance says: "Lighten Up - Cures for Marital Boredom"

Dr. Romance writes:

The old folk songs say it:

Oh, love is handsome, love is fine
Love is a jewel when it is new; 
But when love's old, it waxes cold
And fades away, like morning dew.

Folk wisdom says it: If newlyweds put a penny in a jar for every time they make love in the first year, and take one out for every time after that, the jar will never be empty.

Although most of us hope for our love to last forever, studies show that many couples who have been married for several years actually feel quite hopeless about keeping love alive, or at best resigned to boredom.

The majority expectation is that sexual excitement will fade, and the best we can hope for is fondness and affection, and it is this belief that often underlies cheating, affairs and even leaving a spouse for a new, often younger version.

When couples know how to:
* enjoy sex with each other rather than be tempted by others,
* be open and honest with each other about sexual dissatisfactions, attractions, and other uncomfortable topics, 
* have well-established, reasonable guidelines for spending intimate time together,
* care about each others' feelings, 
* treat each other with respect
* support each others' emotional health and happiness, and
* work together to create a partnership,

...they have a sexual relationship that enhances and brings excitement instead of boredom and discord to their partnership.

Satisfaction Enhances Security

Couples who know, from experience, that they can feel mutually satisfied and enhanced by being with each other, do not doubt their relationship or their commitment.  When a relationship goes well, the reasons for being in it are clear:  Why would any one want to leave a relationship where they get what they want, and have fun to boot? When your relationship works well and feels like the best of all possible relationships, leaving it for something else, however new and exciting, is too big a gamble to take.

Creating this kind of security takes some skill and effort. A key ingredient for success for any long-term relationship is learning to create fun together.  Why fun? Because having fun together is a major way all couples enhance their positive feelings about each other, which we call bonding.  While fun enhances your bonding and the security in your relationship, the absence of fun can create boredom, which can lead to serious problems.

Avoiding Boredom

Boredom in a relationship is usually the result of avoidance -- of each other, of change, of responsibility, or of life.

Boredom is a signal that the two of you have begun to take each other and your relationship for granted.  Perhaps your activities have become too routine or you are avoiding facing a problem.  Counter the boredom by taking necessary risks -- for example, have that scary discussion about sex, aging, your in-laws, or dare to suggest a change in your routine.  If the cause of boredom is a too-regular routine, the problem is easily fixed.  All you need to do is... anything different.  It doesn't matter what you do as long as it's different and can be shared.    

Use the following three words as your key to avoiding boredom: celebration, play, and laughter.  
Celebration: Just as you used celebration as an important ingredient of your marriage ceremony, work promotions, your children's birthdays and graduation, you and your spouse need to continue celebrating your love throughout your lives to keep your energy high and maintain your motivation.  Frequent celebrations demonstrate your love and appreciation for each other.

 Organize festivities with friends, or celebrate alone together.  Go away for the weekend to mark a special event or simply to celebrate the fact of your continuing love.  Plan a special evening at home or at a restaurant; attend a concert to go to an amusement park together.  In short, don't stop dating because you've been together a long time.

A celebration need not be expensive.  The point is to acknowledge that you're celebrating something.  Ginger ale in a champagne glass, a lit candle and a bubble bath may be all you need. 

Play:  Playing together can help you to avoid boredom. It's during play that we re-create and renew our individual and mutual energies. Make recreation, play, and fun a priority in your relationship, setting aside time for play on a regular basis.  Filling all of your spare time with overtime work, volunteer work, or other such activities can translate into an avoidance of your partner. Get over any reluctance you have to appear silly, and throw a frisbee, blow bubbles, get on the swings in the park, play a cutthroat game of Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit, or just read silly jokes and funny stories to each other.  Dr. Seuss books, like If I Ran the Circus, and silly poems by Ogden Nash, are favorites of mine.

Laughter: I believe that after the initial excitement wears off in a long-term relationship, if all goes well, a sense of humor sets in.  Partners in long-term relationships generally have the self-esteem and confidence to laugh at their own and each other's quirks and weaknesses.  Through laughter, you and your partner can relieve pressure and remind yourselves that you're human.  A joke, a silly gesture or a funny greeting card or gift can often heighten intimacy.  Richard and I have gotten through many trying times together by repeating the sentiment of a greeting card given years ago.  The front read, "I love you" and inside, it said "it's a dirty job, but someone has to do it!" 

In my practice I have seen couples use conflict as the mainstay of their lives together, because they feel that not having constant dramatic struggles means not taking the relationship seriously.  Once they learn that such drama not only does not signify love, but is also unhealthy, they can learn to lighten up, relax, and substitute the delight of humor and play for the pain of struggle.
(adapted from: How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition)

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I want a man in my life that I can trust again.

Dear Dr. Romance:

After experiencing alot of physical and emotional abuse in my life, my last relationship was very damaging emotionally and physically. Now, many years later, I haven't had a serious relationship or even a date since.  I've had two opportunities this year, but one wanted to be friends,the other is working on overcoming his addiction,and has been successful for several years.  

I used to be shy, but I'm  not anymore.  I am currently seeing a psychologist, a psychiatrist, and I have a therapist.  But at times I feel lonely.  I have family and a best friend, but I want a man in my life that I can trust again.

Whatever vibe I give off, men notice me,but won't approach me in public.  I was told twice by one ex boyfriend that I project Look but Don't touch.  Then someone else that I thought was a friend said the same thing.  I'm not into the bar scene anymore.  In my online dating experience,  the men I contact have unhealthy boundaries,  such as stating they love me after two emails and my pic.

What is a Woman to do? I want a friendship, chemistry,and to build trust, and see what develops from there.  I don't want to email alot, just one or two msgs, a phone call, then meet for coffee in a public place.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong?? I say I want and treat others with honesty, trust, respect and I am a caring, attractive, loving, kind person.I'm sooo confused.

Dear Reader:

Although I don't know what you look like, It would not be surprising if you did project a "don't touch me" feeling, after experiencing so much abuse.  Yes, there are a lot of people online who have unhealthy boundaries and don't really understand relationships.  What you want is not unreasonable, you just need to use the right method to get it.  You've had a lot of therapy and treatment, and you sound like you're ready.  I'm sure you've done fine work in therapy, but it may not be what you need to prepare for a relationship. 

 "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"  and "Where is Love?" will give you a method for finding a healthy person to date.  Build on your friendships, and create an active social life.  Regular activities with other like-minded people will give you a chance to get to know people before you date them. When you a potential date interact with others, you get a much better understanding of his character.  Choose activities organized around things you enjoy or that are important to you.  Whether you take a class, join an activist group, participate in sports or discussion groups, as long as you enjoy the focus of the group you will meet others with whom you have much in common.  Being around groups of people will also give you a chance to practice letting down your guard a little, and inviting others to be close to you.  I know you can find a safe and satisfying relationship with a little experimentation.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today was written to make dating  as an adult safe, fun and successful, so you'll find it valuable.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't want to be the victim of any Jezebel

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a gentle young graduate of about 30 years. Throughout my staying on the campus, I decided not to enter into any real relationship that could eventually lead to marriage (I mean I had nothing in common with girls). Now, I need a life partner, wish must be a graduate like me, pretty and most, God fearing. I don't want to be a victim of any Jezebel. Please help me out. I want to get married latest next year.

Dear Emmanuel:

From the tone of your letter, I am guessing you are involved in a church or religious group, and I recommend you seek there for a partner. I can understand why you had difficulty relating to the girls on campus. In fact, with your timeline and your concern about a Jezebel, you sound as if you're seeking an arranged marriage or something similar. "Where is Love?"and  "Relationships 101: Do Opposites Attract?" will help you understand more about relationships in general,  and "Stupid Cupid" will help you figure out what you want in your relationship.  However, I'm concerned that much of my advice will not coincide with your beliefs. I suggest you turn back to your religious roots to find the woman you're looking for. Seek out the elders in your religious community and ask for their advice.  Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will teach you tools for communicating with your partner about what each of you wants in the relationship.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't know if this is retaliation

Dear Dr. Romance:

I recently read "The One Who Got Away." While my situation doesn't parallel the situations you described in the article, it's very similar.

About 8-9 mos ago, I ran into a high school crush on a social media site – I took the first leap, and shot her a "hey how you doing – it's me so and so from high school" type email. We exchanged emails pretty regularly (at least once a day, but usually multiple times), and eventually exchanged numbers. From then on, emails graduated to phone calls & text messages.

This was an everyday thing – we'd literally "blow up" our cell phones with text messages, and she'd always call at least once a day. Unfortunately at the time, I couldn't call her because I didn't have long distance on my plan. Things were going pretty regularly, and eventually I told her that I felt strongly about her – in high school, and talking to her now is bringing all those feelings back. We talked about why we never dated (I was too shy, and she never knew), and stuff along those lines. We'd have long conversations about anything and everything: personal stuff, funny anecdotes, you name it. Here's the problem: Over the last 1-2 weeks or so, communication has dropped significantly. What used to be long conversations, are now one /two word replies.

We're not dating (we live in different states) but I've hinted at possibly moving down there – I do miss my old friends, but I would definitely like to be closer to her, especially because things can get misunderstood through text messaging. Yesterday, she said she was disappointed by something. She wouldn't reveal what, but when I jokingly said "is someone vying to date you" she replied back with "ehh. Not exactly". She's told me that she's not ready for a relationship (specifically, she doesn't have the energy for one – she just finalized everything with her ex, they were due to be married, but things didn't work out), but I guess I was so used to being able to talk with her everyday (either by phone or text), and this sudden change is doing my head in.

This has happened once or twice before, but things bounced back, and we would start talking pretty regularly again. There are other small things that I notice, but I think I might be reading too much into them – for example, we no longer comment on each other statuses on Facebook, however, she'll banter back and forth with a male friend of hers (admittedly, this has me thinking some not so nice thoughts – that she's concentrating on deepening things with him, hence the emotional distance between me and her) This has made me a little jealous..in fact, she was talking about something that made her jealous a few days prior, and I don't know if this is "retaliation" or if its something that's happening but she's not aware of it. Any advice?

Dear Reader:

It's hard to know what's bothering her, since she won't tell you, but I have a guess. I think she might feel that you're very cheap not to spring for the cost of a long-distance call to talk to her. Especially with VOIP (Internet phone) available for next to nothing, I think she'd get the idea that she's not worth the effort to you. Perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps you have actually paid for some calls, but if all the charges are hers, that's a problem.

Also, you're moving very quickly if you're telling her that you have deep feelings before even talking face-to-face. It's also very possible that she is putting more energy toward a guy who's geographically closer. There's no way to really know. She may be worried about getting into another relationship that doesn't work out.

What is the possibility that you can make a visit to her? It's really not so far from where you are. Make a plan to visit old friends there, and after the plan is set, let her know you'll be in town and ask her on a real date. Give her some advance notice, but don't let the trip depend on her. If you have friends there, you have a reason to visit.

You don't have to be extravagant, but do spend some money on her -- take her to a restaurant, a movie or some other typical dating venue. You've unfortunately allowed her to get the impression that you want a relationship without any groundwork, and I'm guessing she's feeling used. Another great thing to do is to get together with old friends and invite her to join you. If you do that, and she says no, then you'll know she's moved on to someone else. If she says yes, you have a chance (if you go slowly) to build something real.

You can't build a relationship on dreams of yesterday. At some point, it's got to be based on something real in today's world. "The Tennis Match: Balancing the Power in Your Relationship" and "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will help you understand the dynamics of your relationship and learn the skills to make it work. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today can help you get out of your fantasy world and into successful dating.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance: When Therapy Isn’t Working

Dr. Romance writes:

As a therapist, I have worked with many clients who had been going to a previous therapist for years, and getting nowhere. Some therapists just listen and sympathize, but will not challenge a client to move through and past trauma and stuck places.

If talking to friends and family, or even your therapist, doesn’t help you move on past old traumas, let go of toxic relationships, or move through your grief and emotional pain, it’s time to get some effective therapy.

Your therapist should help you:

1. Look at your hurts and pain: When you’ve been hurt, betrayed, abandoned or suffered loss, whether it was in childhood or more recently; like most people you probably want to avoid those feelings. A competent therapist will help you face the anger, hurt and fear you’re avoiding. Helping you move through these feelings will help you heal a lot faster and more completely.
   
   2. Learn to soothe and calm yourself: When something bad happens, many people use the stimulus to scare or punish themselves. This makes the whole crisis worse. When you’re upset, you need to be able to calm yourself down and comfort yourself. A good therapist can teach you these skills.
   
   3. Look at past traumas from a new perspective, taking yourself out of the victim slot and helping you see yourself as a survivor who can thrive: Traumas often produce Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) with symptoms like: agitation, irritability, hostility, hyper-vigilance, self-destructive behavior, social isolation, flashbacks, exaggerated fear, severe anxiety, mistrust, insomnia or nightmares, emotional detachment, unwanted thoughts, depression, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, guilt, or loneliness. These disturbing symptoms can be relieved if you work with a therapist who understands how to treat PTSD.
   
   4. Help you learn from past mistakes so you won’t repeat them: It’s easy to develop harmful behavior patterns, which are repeated mindlessly. A good therapist can help you look at these and change them.
   5. Teach you skills and tools for getting through life better: Life and relationships require a lot of skills, like good communication skills, reassuring other people, and getting and staying organized. A good therapist can help you develop the skills you may be missing.
   
   6. Figure out what happiness is for you: It’s common for people to being organizing their lives according to what others want them to do or what they think others believe about them. This doesn’t lead to happiness. A good therapist can help you discover what will really make you happy, and create a plan to achieve it.
   
   7. Show you how to achieve what you want in life: If you haven’t been able to attain goals you want to meet, a good therapist can help you create a road map for meeting your goals, and help you figure out how you’re getting in your own way, and fix it.
   
   This may involve:
   
   1. Hearing things you don’t want to hear: The truth can set you free, but it may not be what you want to hear. A therapist shouldn’t care about being nice to you, but care about your healing enough to tell you the hard truths.
   
   2. Realizing your own mistakes that led to the problem: It’s natural to want to blame other people, but your power lies in being able to look dispassionately at yourself, figure out what you’ve been doing wrong, and changing how you approach things. A therapist can help you get a clear view of your own responsibility in what has happened.
   
   3. Learning to forgive and let go: Hanging on to a lost love, nurturing your anger at someone, or holding a grudge holds you back from moving on. A competent therapist can help you learn to protect yourself from future hurt and learn what it really means to forgive.
   
   4. Growing up emotionally, so you see parents and others as the fallible humans they are: As small children, we see our parents and certain other adults as very powerful, and the only possible source of love and safety. We take whatever they say very seriously, and we may carry whatever messages we got from them from a lifetime. When we learn how to see them as fallible people, and take back the power to determine our own opinions, we become more emotionally mature and more in charge of our own lives. A good therapist can help you do that.
   
   If these things are not happening, talk with your therapist. If the therapist isn’t receptive, it may be time to find someone new.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  can help you find someone who will save you stress, time and money by really helping you to heal.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will show you what's involved in healing PTSD and childhood dysfunction.
   
   
   
   

   For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My parents are racists

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I've been in a relationship for almost 2 years with a great person whom I've known for the 5 years I've been in this country. We studied together, were genuine friends before feelings started to develop, and we decided to be together. He and I are from a different nationalities and races.  This has never been a problem to us because we seem to get along great in terms of values, religious background, personalities, interests, and interactions. We do have our fights, but we always manage to sort them out well. I know he is the one for me, and we are practically living together.  

My parents disapprove because they strongly believe that their kids have to get marry within the same nationality and  racial background. They have told me this for a long time, and I didn't express my disagreement to avoid hours of lectures but I was already going out with my current partner.

When I finally had the courage to tell my parents that I have made a decision to be with someone, the first thing they asked me was what nationality he is. It doesn't matter that he treats me right, that both of us come from the same religious background, that we are both highly educated, that he comes from a great family, that he's responsible and a fair person, or that he's compassionate.

Instead, they told me how disappointed they are and how disrespectful I am for not accepting their choice of partners.  This feel they will lose face because people will gossip about us. My parents care so much about what people say about us and are very respectable. They fear shame and losing face because a different skin color is just bad. My mom stopped talking to me, she's been crying all the time, can't seem to concentrate in her work, can't see my picture because she'll cry again, can't seem to get sleep at nights, and won't open my emails. My dad has been calling me all the time and saying horrible things like: I am a disrespectful child, I am a liar, my mom's heart problems are worse because of me, I am causing their unhappiness, they will NEVER EVER accept my choice and decision, and they regret trusting me.

My parents are not bad people, even though my dad has been very strict, they have been lovely, the most caring people I've ever known. They are compassionate about others and mom is very patient. They respect people from all cultures and have taught me to treat people with respect.

I don't know if I'm ready if they disown me and it's very hard to hear how I've made them suffer.  I care so much about them and it breaks my heart. I really DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! Please tell me how should I handle this situation

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry you're in this predicament. Your parents are doing what they think is right, and right for you. They love you, and they want you to succeed. Unfortunately, success by their definition is different from success for you. No matter how sad it is, you have to follow your own path. Eventually, you will be without your parents, and you must build a life that works for you.

From what you tell me, this is a good relationship. It is very important that he treats you well and you work well together, even though your parents don't understand that. I recommend that you keep telling your parents that you love them, you don't want to dishonor them, but you must build your own life. Keep expressing your gratitude that they gave you what you need to live a happy, fulfilling life. Express your regret that you cannot make them happy. Keep building success in your life with your partner. Eventually, they may come around to see that your path is working.

In this case, you must be the bigger person, and love them even though they are not being loving right now. In my experience, most families eventually adjust to these differences. Your parents have had to accept many things in their lifetime that they did not want -- they will probably be able to accept this eventually. If they keep sending you money, keep saving it. You may be able to use it to help care for them in their old age.

I wish there were an easy answer to this, but you and your partner are developing a different culture than that of your parents, and that is never the easy path. You are choosing your own happiness and success over the dictates of your family and culture.  Your problem is the problem of the current time, in which we are transcending the limits of race and culture. We must be careful to cherish the richness of the original cultures while overcoming their limits. I wish you the best of luck in your new life. "Mirrors and Teachers"  and "Creating Family Acceptance" will help you understand them better, and react better.   The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before 40 2nd Edition will give you a lot of information about building an independent life.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance's NEW book! Find it on Amazon! This is a perfect book for any woman who wants to do more than talk about changing her life, it's a road map to her goal.

 

The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before Forty 2nd Edition

"One of the best books for women that I have read. It takes desires and dreams and shows you a step by step practical way to achieve them. For any woman who wants to do more than talk about changing her life, a road map to her goal."Sonya Friedman, Ph.D.Psychologist and TV Host

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: How can I find a good man to love me for me?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm a single mom, of a teenage  son. I was never married to his dad (if you want to call him that). I have the hardest time finding a relationship cuz I am on SS income and I am judged by that. I am a loving person, the good guys want a woman that works or is very active. I'm not able to do either. So how can I find a good man to love me for me?

Dear Reader:

You need to focus on what you have to offer a partner. A relationship is not just about you getting taken care of and loved, but about taking care of and loving each other.  I'm guessing that you're the one who's most focused on your source of income.  Yes, it's harder when you have a child and don't work, because men are concerned about taking on the added responsibility if they don't think they're going to get much in return.

There are many things you can do to improve yourself and your situation. Do whatever you can to improve yourself. Read and learn, go to church, take classes that are free or low-cost at your local adult school. Look your best, and dress to appeal to the kind of man you're looking for; that is, don't dress too sexy if you want someone to like you for more than sex. Emphasize your positive qualities, and show what you have to offer.

If you can cook, let people know. If you are funny, interesting and a good companion, that's very attractive. Get involved in your church or community activities -- you'll meet people who can help you be your best. Make good, healthy friends, and that will lead you to a healthy relationship. "Where is Love?" and "Dating Guidelines for Single Parents" will help you get organized.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has all the information you need about where to go to meet people, and how to get things started.  

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I have strong feelings for my boss

Dr. Dr. Romance,

I have strong feelings for my boss, he's 10 years older than me. I cannot explain why I have these feelings or why I think of him ....He's still my boss kinda, I'm working on a new mission and have a different boss now, its not the same. I miss my boss, I wander if he misses me too! What do you think?

Dear Reader:

I think you're probably lonely, and because of that, you imagine the good connection you had with your former boss to be something more. I doubt if he shares the feelings, because he would have let you know. You need to take this as a sign that you need more social contact than just your work life. Find a project, hobby or interest outside work. Take a class in something that interests you, and begin meeting people and making friends beyond work.  "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" for more information on how to do this. Please don't continue to indulge in this fantasy about your boss. Get a real life instead.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will show you how to do it.

Once you have an active social life, it will lead you to the relationship you long for.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance Happiness Tip: Gentle Persistence

Dr. Romance writes: Have you noticed that nagging, whining, complaining, sternly directing, yelling, criticizing and freaking out don’t seem to get you what you want from a partner, family member, friend, colleague or child? In a previous article, “Asking for What You Want”  I explained how to ask cleanly and directly for what you want, and that being direct has a better success rate. While that’s true, it isn’t infallible.  Sometimes, it’s necessary to use a technique I call “gentle persistence.”

At times, no matter how good you are at communication techniques, the other person will still refuse to talk with you about certain topics. This can happen when you're brand new at negotiating, or even after you have had several successful, satisfying discussions. Even people who are used to working on things together can get stuck in stubborn refusal to talk, if they're anxious, stressed or pressured. There are a lot of possible reasons why either of you could be reluctant or unwilling to negotiate:

* If teamwork and solving problems together is new to either or both of you,
* If the problem is particularly scary to either of you,
* If one of you is afraid of being manipulated or over powered,
* If the problem seems insurmountable,
* If one of you is accustomed to being in charge,
* If the problem involves a life change.
* If one of you is in a stressful situation or anxious about something.

If you have tried everything you know and the other person still refuses to talk about it, don't give up Getting to a mutually workable agreement and the resulting mutual satisfaction and success are worth some extra effort on your part. At this point, gentle persistence is what you need.

Gentle persistence is the art of staying focused on your objective (solving your problem, getting an agreement to negotiate) and repeatedly asking the other person to participate, without sounding critical, impatient, pushy, overbearing or dictatorial. When it comes to opening up a discussion, gentle persistence can be a very effective and valuable skill. Most of us only know how to persist in a nagging, complaining, whining or angry way. These styles of persistence are based in the belief that the other person won't cooperate, and has to be made unhappy or uncomfortable enough to give in.

Gentle persistence, in contrast, is based on a belief that the other person is a reasonable person who wants to cooperate, but somehow (even after all your communicating, I messages, and invitations) hasn't heard you, and misinterprets or doesn't understand that's what you want. Such persistence may need to be repeated over a period of days or weeks, if the other person is very reluctant to listen or has a difficult time understanding what you mean, but, if you can resist the impulse to nag or complain, it is very often successful.

When you gently persist:

* You let the other person know that the problem you're experiencing is very important and must be resolved, but in a gentle, uncritical, non-threatening way.

* You gently but firmly refuse to give up your power to create good things in your life together, just because one of you is scared, angry or stubborn.

* You stay focused on your purpose, and don't let yourself be drawn off course.

* You calmly and lovingly refuse to take no for an answer.

Gentle persistence is not as hard as it may sound, and once you try it, you’ll find out it works. The reward for gently persisting is a mutually satisfactory solution, and a relationship that works for both of you. The following guidelines will help you maintain your balance, and not be pushy and manipulative or give up too easily.

Guidelines: Gentle Persistence

1. Be well prepared before trying gentle persistence. Gentle persistence, especially when you're new at it, requires that you be in firm control of yourself. Choose a moment when you feel strong, and you and the other person have some peaceful, uninterrupted time. You are demonstrating adult, thoughtful, calm and rational interaction for the other person, even if the other person is aggravating, dismissive or childish in his or her responses, so you must feel strong and comfortable enough to stay calm and positive in the face of negative responses. Be sure you're not upset, exhausted, fearful or angry when you try it. That means you may need to take care of yourself by blowing off steam elsewhere (in writing, to a friend) if you get annoyed, or dropping the subject temporarily (and coming back later) because you've run out of patience. Understand that, until the other person realizes the importance of this particular issue to you, you are in the role of educator. Be sure you know clearly that your goal is to get an agreement to negotiate about your problem and that you're willing to explain it as many times as necessary, remaining calm every time.

2. You both deserve to have what you want. Gentle persistence is based on the conviction that you and the other person both deserve to get what you want. You're not asking for permission to have your way. You're making a firm offer to the other person to participate in the process so that he or she can have what they want also. If you hold that point of view, you won't feel guilty, helpless, hopeless or angry. Remembering that you're working to create a change (from competing or rescuing to cooperation) that is beneficial to both of you and your relationship, and even raises the odds that your relationship will continue to be successful, will keep you objective and motivated to succeed.

3. Be gentle and firm. Gentleness means treating the other person with respect and caring, while firmness means not giving in or giving up. If the other person says something, listen and respond with reassurance or simple facts, but don't agree unless it's meeting your objective. Don't slide into nagging, manipulating, pushing, coercing, or abusing. Let the other person know that the issue is important to you, that you are serious about finding a satisfactory solution, that you want his or her participation in solving it, and you're not going to give up or forget the idea

4. Be sincere about cooperating. Before you try gentle persistence be sure that you really are willing to negotiate and that you honestly want the other person to be satisfied, too, so that your invitation to the other person to participate is genuine. If you really desire a cooperative, equal relationship, and the other person doesn't understand the value of that, it's up to you to lead the way. To succeed, you must accept the responsibility of being cooperative whether or not the other person agrees to participate.

5. Try to understand the other person's resistance. His or her inexperience, mistrust, need to control, or reluctance to be direct can be in the way. Encourage the other person to talk about his or her reluctance, and listen carefully. What you learn will make the difference for your success.

6. Be as objective as possible. When you express what you feel, use I messages, and don't expect the other person to agree. Instead, try to see both sides: why you want to negotiate, as well as why the other person doesn't. The better you understand the other person's attitude and concerns, the more effective you will be at reassuring and convincing him or her that the discussion will benefit him or her, too. Seek to explain the benefits of working together as the other person would perceive them, through reassurance and active listening.

7. Address the other person's fear. You may need to reassure the other person many times while you are gently persisting, because you are changing the rules for how you deal with each other, and change is unsettling and produces anxiety. Unwillingness to negotiate almost always indicates fear of the outcome. It can be very reassuring to remind the other person: I don't want to discomfort or embarrass you. Or our old standby, I want both of us to be satisfied. I won't consider this negotiation successful or complete unless you get what you want, too.

8. Remind the other person of your good will. Love and respect usually reduce defensiveness and make cooperation easier. Take some time to remind yourself of all the good and valuable aspects of your relationship, and then share them with the other person. Tell the other person you believe that together, you can solve the problem.

These steps are not necessarily easy, and learning to use them may require overcoming old, bad habits that lead to struggle. Take your time, and keep practicing. Familiarity with this technique can change every important relationship you have.

Adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners; Working it out Together

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: She cannot forgive all the hurt I have caused her

Dear Dr. Romance

I came across your name in an article titled "How Not to Repeat Past Relationship Mistakes".  My wife and I have been together since for over ten years, and  have 3 children. and my wife has a daughter from a previous relationship.  We have been seeing a marriage counselor because my wife has been unhappy with me for years. Several months ago, she told me she wanted a divorce. She claims that I pushed her away with my behavior (anger, mood swings, etc.) and has fallen out of love with me. I begged her to stay. I promised her we would seek counseling and that I would change my ways.

She has stuck around and has been telling me she is trying to find it within her heart to want to continue with our relationship. A recent argument has put us back to what feels like square one. She told me she is leaving to live her life without me in it. I am desperate. I love my wife tremendously and I am willing to do anything and everything it will take to save our marriage.

Counseling at this point does not seem to be helping us. Lisa has said during counseling sessions that she doesn't understand how anyone can make her love me again. I believe she truly wants to leave me for good but struggles within herself when it comes to hurting me. I have been pouring my heart out to her constantly until she made me promise to stop and to just give her some time and space.

I don't know who to turn to at this point. She has moved out of our bedroom and into the spare bedroom for the third time now. Our youngest child for the second time has asked why mommy isn't sleeping in our bed anymore. She cannot forget all of the hurt I have caused her. I feel like we need strong intervention to help us heal the pain in our past so that we can start to rebuild our relationship. 

Dear Reader:  

From what you're telling me, I think couples counseling is not the right way to go. You need counseling for your "behavior (anger, mood swings, etc.) " As long as you have an anger problem, you won't be able to sustain a relationship, with your wife or anyone else. I recommend you get individual counseling immediately, and be serious about it. If you can't manage your own moods, emotions and reactions, your wife will never reconcile with you.  When you get help for yourself, your wife will see and understand that.

 "Anger: Cleansing Squall or Hurricane?" "Fair Fight Guidelines" and "How Not to Fight" will help you understand your anger and what to do about it.  "How to Be Irresistible to Your Mate" will give you what you need to try and repair things with your wife.  Couples counselors differ in expertise. I am not familiar with the one you're seeing, but if that counselor hasn't insisted you get help for your anger and mood swings, then it's not the right counselor for you. You need individual counseling.  Use the "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" to find a counselor who will be very tough and interactive if you want rapid change. The counselor should give you homework. If you fix this quickly, you might have a chance to save your marriage. You may have waited too long, but at least you can fix the problem so your anger doesn't destroy your next relationship.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will teach you how to discuss problems without fighting.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am feeling overwhelmed to the point I just want out

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read some of the things you stated about marriage. Why people divorce. I am feeling overwhelmed lately. To the point I just want out. I have been married for over 17 years. We have 2 school-age children together. I am in school full time and work full time and still have a household to run. Can you please help me find a counselor? You are a blessing to all who reads and speak with you. Keep doing your daily work. God Bless.

Dear Reader:

 I'm sorry you're having a tough time, and I understand how overwhelmed you must be. I don't know anyone in your area, but "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a good therapist.  Therapy is a great idea for you at this time.  In the meantime, "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" and "Asking for What you Want" will help you calm down and understand what you need to do.

I'm sure your husband loves you, but doesn't know what you want, and is probably lost in his own little world. You can learn the skills to bring him out and get him to do his share for his family.

Many men believe if they earn the money, that's enough. They have to be taught to take responsibility for child care, household maintenance, and their marriage. Women often just do everything, and complain, which falls on deaf ears. Men need to be asked directly "Will you please vacuum, do the dishes, etc." And they often need to be taught how, if their mothers didn't teach them. (I hope you teach your sons what their responsibilities are, so they'll be equipped when they grow up.)

This feels like a lot of effort on your part, when you're already overwhelmed, but it will lead to you having to do less, and feeling more like you and your husband are a team. Breaking up will be a tragedy for your kids, and you may never find another partner better than your husband. Better to train him to be the partner you want. Begin today by asking him directly without emotion, for what you want instead of suffering, complaining, nagging or whining.

How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will help you understand how relationships work and How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will teach you the skills you need to communicate and ask for what you want.

       

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My girlfriend does not like phone sex.

Dear Dr. Romance:

My girlfriend does not like phone sex. When ever bring the topic she is always mad at me. I don't know maybe it's the way her ex treated her. Please help

Dear Reader:

You can't have phone sex with your girl if she doesn't like it, and you can't force her to like it. Instead, you have to make it attractive to her.  So, turn on your charm, find out how she feels about it, instead of just trying to talk her into it. If it is about the way her ex treated her, you need to listen to her, and let her tell you about it.  "Getting to Yes" helps you understand how to talk to her about phone sex and sex in general. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will show you how to develop a mutually satisfying relationship.It gives you scripts and guidelines for talking about sex in a productive way.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance Happiness Tip: After Infidelity: Stay or Go?

Dr. Romance writes:

When you get the devastating news that your spouse has had an affair, how do you decide whether to stay or go? Because you feel betrayed, your first impulse is usually anger, and wanting to leave – fight or flight. But, after you calm down, you realize there’s a lot you’ll lose, and you may have children to consider.

Don’t make an instant decision you may regret later, after the damage is done. It’s possible to find an extraordinary love after divorcing late in life, but most of my clients report the potential partners out there are no better than the ones they left.

While I don't think you should stay and suffer if nothing’s working, in my practice I see many couples who do the work and wind up happier than before.

The affair may have happened after long-standing problems in the marriage, which can actually be corrected to the satisfaction of both partners. Often dissatisfaction grows from resentment, and the root causes can be fixed with the help of counseling. If both partners are willing to change what’s not working, a marriage can be improved can be turned into a satisfying life of enjoyable companionship.

I also see a fair number of couples who get back together after a divorce, because they had a chance to see what it’s like to be alone, and to calm down and get over petty resentments. Unfortunately, now they’re a lot poorer because of the costs of the divorce, dividing up property, and so on.

Here are some reasons to stay or go:

Top 5 reasons to stay:

*Your spouse truly recognizes he or she has a problem, and is willing to get help to fix it, and to be accountable for rebuilding trust.

*You two are going to counseling, and understanding why the affair happened, and how to fix the problems.

*You're getting your own sex life back on track, if it was off track.

*You have a long, shared history, joint finances, and family ties that make it worth keeping the marriage together.

*You still love each other, and it's clearly mutual.

Top 5 reasons to go:

  *Your spouse is in denial, makes excuses, and blames you. This means he or she is invested in the cheating behavior, and not ready to change.

*You have had it, no longer feel connected, and are not willing to work on it. Be sure this isn't just temporary anger. *You are prepared to be on your own.

*You either have no children, they're grown, or you're certain a divorce will be better for them than what's going on.

*Your spouse refuses to give up the other relationship, or infidelity in general.

(from How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together)

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I feel like we have to sneak around and hide

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am in a relationship with a man who twenty years younger. He is black, and I am white. We are very much in love.  The problem is that my parents are very much against my dating a black man. They do not like the age difference either, but the being black is worse. This is causing a problem in our relationship because I am putting up a wall between us because of my parents. I know how old I am and that I should not let my parents rule my life, but I am very close to my parents and my family.

I have 3 brothers. All of them are also against me being with a black man. I have a son, so all I want for him is to be happy, and he wants me to be happy. I wish my parents felt the same way about me.

I am so happy and in love with this man. I feel like we have to sneak around and hide because of my parents. I feel like a teenager who is going to get caught. Should I tell them that I have continued to date this man, even though they have forbidden it? I feel like I can move on with my life if I tell them, but I may lose my parents and brothers for good. What do you think? Thank you for any help you can give me. 

Dear Reader:

In my experience with people who fall in love outside of their families' expectations, and I've seen many cross-cultural relationships, the families object as long as they think they have a chance of dissuading the family member from staying in the relationship. In most cases (not all) once the family understands the relationship is not going anywhere, they accept it. They may never get comfortable, but they don't disown you.

It's important to consider this carefully, because you're in a hormone-flooded state right now. You have cultural differences and age differences that will present problems in the future. The problems can be surmounted, however, if you are both able to be mature about it and work through the issues. I don't know if you've met his family, but it's a good idea to do so as soon as possible. By all means, let your family know you're still dating this man.

It's time to grow up and let your family know that you love them, but they're not in charge of you. Whether this relationship succeeds or not, your family should know that it's what you're doing. They don't have to know details. You can let them know each new stage as it happens -- don't project too far into the future.  "Mirrors and Teachers" and "Creating Family Acceptance" have helpful information about responding to your family in a different way. The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will help you think more clearly about this, and give you guidelines for talking with your family.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I have strong feelings for my plastic surgeon

Dear Dr. Romance:

I saw you on the web and thought I would ask you about my attraction to my plastic surgeon. I am almost 50, and have been having procedures done for 6 months now. He is my age and married with 2 school-age children and a younger wife.  I have very strong feelings for him and NO, it is not transference. I have felt that before while in therapy and this is different.

He is very good looking and I was attracted to him immediately. He always kisses me on my cheek (lately it is getting closer to my lips) he told me I was an amazing woman. When I ask him in what way ... he said in every aspect from my personality to the way I heal to my great attitude on life. He likes my hair. He said I was wonderful when I told him I was attracted to him and I thought he was very good looking and found it difficult to keep my distance from him.

He took my hands in his one time (interlocked) and pulled me toward him and than back. I know he is not able to respond to me directly without risking losing his license. Is it my imagination or is he attracted to me maybe feeling something for me? Or, is he just being very nice. That is something else too. He told me I was so nice and it was rare in his buisness to have a patient like me and he appreciated it very much. I want him and know I can't be with him. How do I deal with it?  I really feel the need to tell him my feelings before I can let them go. I will be finished soon with my surgeries and won't see him for 3 months then 6 months and finally 1 year. Any advice ? 

Dear Reader:

You're not going to like this answer. If you really need plastic surgery, find another doctor. What are you thinking? He's a married man, and he's making money off you -- that's why he kisses your cheek. You're living in a fantasy world, and it's very unhealthy for you. Run, do not walk, back to therapy. Please read  "True Beauty: Honor the God or Goddess In You" "Where is Love?" and "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" You deserve to have a happy life, and these articles will point you in the right direction. The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will help you re-evaluate and refocus to create a happier life.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: How Can I Let Him Go?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read  "Letting Go Takes Love" and it really spoke to me. I am in a situation and I was wondering if you could give me quick advice. I feel the need to let go of someone because he basically doesn't know what he wants. We have been going back and forth with the issue over a year now.

The barriers of friendship have been broken long ago but he still seems uncomfortable with the idea of labeling it anything more. He broke things off with me about 2 months ago and we have tried to stay away from each other. Every time I finally begin to move on with my life he appears and calls or emails and then we seem to slip back into the previous mode we were in. I have made it more than clear that I cannot have just 10% of him and needed to stop contact for the time being so I could get the idea of us being in a relationship out of my head. However, that doesn't seem to work either and seems to make him contact me more.

Yet we never progress into anything more than "friends". I feel weak because every time he contacts me I speak to him but every time I am left feeling like I am missing something in my life - him. It is a painful process. Yet he knows all this and won't leave me be so I can move on.

I do not want to be harsh to him and take drastic measures but my heart cannot take anymore of this. How can I let him go for myself and let go of the hope that I still have that him and I will end up together? I am not ready to date other people and the thought of it terrifies me. I just need him to take the next step or to leave me alone completely for awhile so I can get over it.

Why am I stuck in the same spot and why can't he just give us a try or just leave me alone?

Dear Reader:

I'm afraid he's not going to leave you alone. You are backup for him, and every time you pull away, he'll come closer. You're going to have to be the "bad guy" in this relationship, and stop the contact from your side. He's got what he wants, you haven't, so it's up to you to put the brakes on. Block his phone calls, emails, and social media so you aren't tempted to respond. Your whole life is in limbo so this commitment-avoidant guy can feel he's got someone hanging around whenever he needs you. You're making this way too easy. Read "Your Primary Relationship" for help in developing the determination to cut this guy off. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you get prepared to date again, and find a man who can really commit.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance Happiness Tip: The Magic of Reassurance

Dr. Romance writes:

There are a few simple communication techniques that  work like magic in relationships, whether with committed partners, friends, co-workers or relatives. One of the most effective is reassurance, which is simple to do , and calms both of you down, which allows your discussion move on without struggles.  When a discussion begins to get difficult, if you learn to stay calm and reassure the other person you’ll find it works very effectively.  As you practice reassuring yourself and each other, it gets easier to do, and the more reassurance you give each other, the easier and smoother your discussions will be.

Reassurance
When you and your partner, friend, co-worker or relative are accustomed to arguing or struggling to be “right” and make each other “wrong”, your discussions can be blocked by the fear that every conversation will be just another struggle, someone is going to lose, someone will end up feeling bad, or nobody will win. Worse yet, after all the hassle, frustration and resentment, the problem could still be unsolved. So, when you propose to talk about something, the response is "why bother?"
If the other person won’t talk about a problem, it may be because he or she fears the outcome of the discussion. Determining the source of the fear (is it fear of losing? fear of arguing or fighting? fear it won't work?) gives you an idea about what is needed to reassure your partner. 

Reluctance or refusal talk is usually the result of one or more specific fears, such as: 
* Fear of being manipulated or overpowered: When one of you is more verbal than the other, the less verbal partner can feel overwhelmed and inadequate, and those feelings lead to not wanting to talk at all.  
* Fear of being taken advantage of, made a fool of, or "conned":  If there’s no history of this within your relationship, this fear may come from elsewhere, such as a past relationship or  early childhood:  For example, older kids or siblings always took advantage of you. Those feelings persist, and even if you overcame them in business settings, they may come up when you become close enough to a spouse to feel vulnerable.
* Fear of having another fight: When you have a history of fighting with each other, both of you can become reluctant to begin a conversation (or to get into a serious discussion) because you are sure it will become a fight.
* Fear that the process will be a long, complicated hassle (hard work) without a worthwhile result (a waste of time):  This fear can come about when you’ve had a lot of stubborn struggles which get nowhere. 
* Fear of losing, or having to give up something important:  You or your partner might be reluctant to discuss an issue because one of you suspects you might be wrong, and doesn’t want to admit it or give up a bad habit.
*Fear that a new approach won't go well or work at all:  When you’re making changes in how you talk to each other, especially if it doesn’t work well when it’s brand new, you might be resistant to trying again.
Each of these fears, and any others that might come up, can be discovered, communicated and reassured, and the following guidelines will show you how.

Do’s and Don’ts for Reassuring Each Other: 
*DO: Gently let your partner know that you think he or she is avoiding a conversation, by mentioning what you observe:  “When I asked if you wanted to talk, you said yes, but then you disappeared.  Are you reluctant to talk about this?”
*DON’T: Criticize or accuse your partner.  What you observed could be wrong, so ask your partner if your guess is correct, and he or she is reluctant to negotiate.
*DO: Ask for an appointment to talk again. 
*DON’T: Accuse your partner of being afraid to talk; just acknowledge your own fears, if you have any.   Perhaps your fear is that he or she won’t talk to you.
*DON’T: Deny your own behavior.  If you argued in the past, acknowledge it, and explain what is different now: “You're right, we did get angry and yell before, but we both realize that doesn't work, and we’re learning a new way.”
*DO: Make some agreements about what to do if your discussion becomes a problem. “If this starts to be difficult, we’ll take a break.” Knowing that you have a strategy to take care of yourselves if things don't go right will give you the additional confidence to talk.
*DO: Reassure each other.  Make an agreement that you will honor each other’s opinions, play fair and seek a mutually satisfactory outcome.  Let your friend or partner know that you care about his or her wants and needs.
*DO: Agree to do whatever you can to create a pleasant experience with a desirable result.  Knowing how to reassure each other will enhance your communication, your intimacy and your sexual connection. In chapter four, you’ll learn how to make transitions, which will further enhance your communication and intimacy.  

Adapted from How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: why do I always have sex on the first date?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm trying to find out why I always have sex on the first date. This is not to say that I have sex with every girl I date, or even that every girl I've gone out with has even been interested in me. It is simply to say that the overwhelming majority of my "situations" have been one date situations, for whatever reason and on the occasions that the woman is interested in me, we usually end up having sex.

To make matters worse (or more clear), I can meet someone on Thursday, call her on Friday, and usually by the end of that conversation we're talking about sex and she's ready to go at it, even if we were talking about politics at the beginning of the conversation. In the end, one of two things usually happens:

1: I have sex and never see the girl again (even if I call), or

2: I never see the girl again and never have sex with her (even if I call).

This is both a serious compliment to me (who doesn't want to be sexy?) and a serious impediment as I'd like to actually get to know one of these women and find someone decent to have a relationship with. However, without knowing how to prevent the sex and/or the running away (on the occasions that the woman is interested but decides not to pick up the phone ever again) from happening, it is proving difficult to figure out the cause and thus prevent it from happening.

Asking the women hasn't yielded any answers, nor has asking the few female friends I have left. One did mention that she thought my intelligence might be a problem for most women... then she became attracted to me and I never saw her again... others have mentioned that I have a sexy speaking voice... but nothing I feel that can really help me out. Do you have any ideas?

Dear Reader:

I think you must be, consciously or not, leading the conversation to sex. It's probably a habit you have developed over years, and it works for you to some degree, so you aren't really aware of it. You're right. Sex on the first date almost always means it's a one-night stand. So, if you want a real, lasting relationship, you've got to learn to say "later;"  postpone sex until at least the fourth or fifth date. and give both of you a chance to get to know each other.

My guess is the women don't take you seriously. They think you're a player, you're using them, and they decide to just have sex with you (or not) to use you for their pleasure, but they don't want to see you again, because they don't believe you'll be faithful. You may have developed an unconscious habit of leading the conversation to sex, which makes you look like a player to the women. Therefore, they decide there's no possibility of a relationship, so they either decide to have a one-night stand or to forget it.

To change the habit, you have to decide to wait until at least the third or fourth date to have sex, and to monitor your conversation style to remove sexual hints and invitations. This is not so easy to do, but it can be done. You have to begin with a conversation with yourself, about what you want right now, and what you want for real.  "Asking for What You Want" will show you the difference between immediate gratification (one night stand) and long-term satisfaction (relationship.)

Understand which one you're going for. If you just want a quickie, fine, there's nothing wrong with it. But, know it means the relationship will go no farther. Usually, it's too difficult to figure out if you want a real relationship on one date, so that's why I say have at least four or five dates, to give you an idea of who this woman is, and whether you'd like a real relationship with her.

Do different things on your dates than you've been doing. Do your usual dates involve drinking? This lowers inhibitions, and makes sex more likely. Do you invite women home with you, or go to their home? That also increases the odds that you'll have sex right away. Instead, take a date somewhere different. Avoid bars. Try a little neighborhood restaurant, and limit yourself to a glass of wine.

For a second date, invite the woman to take a walk somewhere (a nice park, a zoo, a museum) or take her to a ball game (the local college game is cheaper than a pro game, and usually more fun.) Figure out what you're interested in, and try sharing that. If the two of you have similar interests, you're more likely to be compatible.

Perhaps you need to change where you're finding women in the first place: my article "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will give you some new ideas.   Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has more ideas on how to make your dating more successful.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I need your help fast!

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am so happy I could find someone like you to talk to. I am a regular guy and I use your articles for my relationship and it has really helped me. But I am sending you this mail because I need your assistance and i need it fast.

The problem is I have a very hot temper and it is always affecting me when me and my spouse argue. We love each other and understand each other but she is always doing things that gets me upset and then it leads to anger. She gets carried away with friends easily and she forgets what we have to do sometimes or even forgets to call me till I call. She says she's sorry but she does it all the time.

Things like this makes me get angry but the more I try to control it she does the same thing again . What can I do to control my anger and make my relationship work out?

Dear Reader:

The first thing you get wrong is that you think because something makes you angry, you are entitled to throw a temper tantrum. This is wrong. You can learn to control your temper, stay rational, and ask for what you want. Don't be so proud of your hot temper. It's a big problem, and it will eventually get you in trouble, if it hasn't already.

Your spouse doesn't listen to you because she has learned to shut you out. She probably feels that nothing she does is right anyway, so why bother to try and please you? "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will help you and your wife  learn how to negotiate and make agreements that you can both keep. "Anger -- Cleansing Squall or Hurricane" will show you how  to keep your anger under control, and "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" will show her how to make promises she can keep about time. "How Not to Fight" will teach you how to relate better to each other, and  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will help you both understand how to negotiate and communicate effectively.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: How do I make him understand?

Dear Dr. Romance:

How do I make him understand? So my soon-to-be-ex is still in the house as well as myself! This is not working! He keeps trying to make things better, but I don't feel anything for him anymore. He has been better to me but is still very rude to our son and says hurtful things to him! He also says rude things about teammates on my sons ball team and doesn't think he is being rude and doesn't care if other people hear what he says! I can no longer deal with this! I'm tired of feeling bad about myself and I'm ready to have a life for me ! Now how do I make him understand it is over with out feeling bad when his tears start fallen? He says he don't want to lose me but we have had these problems for several years and he never changes and I just want to be happy and only worry about my sons and my feelings and work on being happy once again! 

Dear Reader:

This is what I wish more women understood about their men. You can't just say he's doing it wrong, you have to act it out. By the time most women are fed up enough to actually act on their frustration, it's too late for him to change. Many men will change if you make it clear to them that bad behavior will not be tolerated. When you see the tears, tell him he must go to counseling, and go with him to the first session, to tell the therapist what the problems are (because he doesn't get it). Do this even if you wouldn't take him back if he changed into the world's best husband. Do it for your sons, and your future connections with this man. You will be connected to him for life through your children. If he's convinced you're divorcing him, he will be much more likely to get that he has a problem. Up til now, he thinks the problem is yours; he probably thinks you're a whiny bitch, and doesn't see his own behavior at all. Hold his feet to the fire, and feel good about doing it. It's high time someone made him grow up. "Gentle Persistence" and "Asking for What You Want" will help you know how to get your point across.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a good therapist.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition has exercises and guidelines you can use to learn how to communicate even with an uncooperative partner.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance: Improving Relationships between parents and stepchildren

Ah, the ugly step parent, celebrated and villainized in fairy tales. Do you have to take on the role?  "Dr. Romance" licensed psychotherapist and author, says you don't, and shows you how to manage to be the kind of step-parent that causes your children to say "My step-parent was the best thing that ever happened to our family."

Dr. Romance’s 4 tips to smoother step-parenting

1. Give your blended family a chance to bond. Don’t worry if everyone doesn’t settle in right away; bonding takes time. Hopefully, you all got to know each other before you moved in together, but the transition to living comfortably together can take time.

2. Have family meetings weekly. Give everyone (kids, too) a chance to share how they feel, what they like and don’t like, and ask them to share both positive and negative opinions. Invite suggestions about how to make things better. Shared times, such as mealtimes, are important -- but each person needs a break, too. Don’t allow the schedule to be too busy -- plan some time off.

3. Get on the same parenting page. Mom and Dad need to work out parenting methods, rewards, punishments, chores, allowances, bedtimes, homework, etc. Each of your single-parent families is unique, and everyone has to adjust to change. Transition is much easier if the parents are in agreement. If something happens you haven’t discussed, just defer to one parent, and work it out later. If you allow the kids to create discord between you, they’ll jump on it right away, and make your lives miserable.

4. If you have shared custody with one or more outside parents, resolve any conflicts with them right away – ex-spouse struggles can become disasters. You’ll all be connected for life. Help the children transition from one household to another by “debriefing” when they come home. “How was your visit?” Then talk about the system at your house.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together  will give you more information and strategies for creating a happy family life.  

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't want to leave without saying goodbye

Dear Dr. Romance,

I have developed feelings for my co-worker and during the past several months, we have had very brief encounters, that were limited to greetings. Due to the small work place, I could not go and talk comfortably to him without eliciting attentions/rumors. I will be leaving my job at the end of this week to start grad school and really want to talk to him for the last time. I just want to say goodbye and say if he ever wants to keep in touch he can contact me. I was thinking about leaving a note on his car but I am not sure whether it's appropriate. Would you please please help me with this dilemma? I really don't want to leave without saying goodbye : (

Dear Reader:

Your leaving is the perfect opportunity to give this connection a chance. He's unmarried, right? However, I don't think a note on his car is a good idea. Do you know his phone extension at work? If you do, call and (if he doesn't answer) leave him a message, identify yourself so he'll know who is talking, and say you just want to say goodbye, and thank him for something (even if it's something small, like his friendly greetings.) Say you wish you could have gotten to know him better, leave your number or extension and hang up.

The message shouldn't take more than 15 seconds. Don't ramble on -- make a note of what you want to say, and say it with a smile in your voice. If he answers, then say it in person, but don't hang up -- give him a chance to respond, but don't keep him talking. It's better to give him the idea that you're interested, then back off. If you know his e-mail at work, you can do it that way, too. Just say the same thing. If the only thing you can do is leave a note, I guess it's OK, but it's tacky and won't leave as good an impression. Good luck. You wasted a chance on this, and you should change your approach in the future. "Turn on Your Charm"  will help you develop a way to get men more interested in you.  "Where is Love?" and "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"  will get you on the right track to find someone who can be a real partner. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has just what you need to make dating successful.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Why is my ex still calling me?

Dear Dr. Romance:  

I was dating this guy for about 2 years. During the time that we were together we had some good times and bad. For one he was cheating on me with another girl then we got back together. During that time we worked hard to make the relationship work then I found out that he was sleeping with someone else. When I found this out, I finally left him alone.

After our break up he has moved in with another female and he is constantly calling me at least once or twice a week. Put it this way he will call to see how I am doing, what I am up to, he will call and ask me for advice, or he will talk about what he is up to and the changes he has made in his life. I have told him since he has a girlfriend to leave me alone and not to call me anymore. He has stated that he wants to be friends, I told him no and that he needs to be friends with his new girlfriend not me. He would also deny the fact that he was living with someone else but I knew he was. Sometimes I answer and sometimes I don't.

There has been times when I don't answer the phone he will call my house phone. He is constantly begging me for sex but I always tell him no. Today he called me and he wanted me to meet him down the street because he wanted to see me. I went (I probably shouldn't have). During this time he was asking me about was I in a new relationship and things such as if I get horny. Every time he has called me and has wanted to meet up and have sex I have told him no. He has also been asking my friends questions about me. Does this mean that he wants me back or he just wants me for sex?

I also told him that I might be moving out of town. He told me if I did he was coming with me. I told him he wasn't and what about his girlfriend he said he would leave her. I am so confused, I still care for this guy even after all the things he has done to me. But I refuse to let him know it. When he does call I'm like what do you want and to leave me alone but he still continues to call ( I try to be hard like I don't care). When he do call me he calls me restricted. I never contact him and I don't ask his friends or family about him. Please provide me with some advice with what to do. Does he realize that he wants me back or what?

Dear Reader:

This guy doesn't want a monogamous relationship with anyone. He wants someone to be there for him, and have everything else he wants, too. Your feelings are not considered. So, don't waste another moment on him. Block his calls and e-mails, unfriend him from Facebook, get rid of him. Don't wait for him to do it -- he won't. He'd love to have you for backup, when he feels like cheating on whomever he's with now. But, there's nothing in that for you. Stop projecting your feelings on to him. The fact that he's calling doesn't mean he cares. You need to learn judgment about the guys you date. "You Be the Judge" and "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will help you understand the difference between someone who cares and someone who just wants to use you. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you establish relationships on a more equal basis.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I think I'll be eternally grateful

 Thank you Dear Dr Romance:

I've stumbled across your website, and think I'm going to be eternally grateful for having done so. Your advice is a pleasure to read, with helpful action-plans for effecting change. I love your articles on relationships with parents/children, being one's own best friend, and asking for things. If you have written anything about self-motivation and getting past procrastination, I'd be extremely grateful if you could point me in that direction. Very best wishes. Thank you.

Dear Reader:

Thank you so much for your wonderful email. It definitely made my day. I am always glad to hear that the information I make available has helped someone.  To answer your question,  "Motivation and How to Create It" will show you how to create motivation, "Getting Out of Your Own Way" can help you stop procrastinating,  "Detox Your Life" gives you great action-plans for whatever is in your way and "Four Steps to Success" are simple steps to get what you want. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction is a more complete package of information and exercises to help you overcome issues that disrupt your life and peace.  You'll love the diagrams that help you understand how belief systems are formed and reinforced; and also how to change the old habits and patterns that you have outgrown.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance: When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships

Dr. Romance writes: Many people ask me, “How will I know if I'm in love?”

Answer: Anyone who's in love usually knows it; the real question should be are we mutually in love, or am I wasting my time? If you want to be secure in your primary relationship, knowing how to create mutuality and work together greatly increases the chance that you'll make it as a couple. When I’m counseling couples on the verge of divorce, it’s amazing how establishing mutuality allows the love to come back.

Mutuality Prevents Heartache

Hundreds of years ago, a Renaissance bard wrote: 

When Love is kind, cheerful and free, 
Love’s sure to find welcome from me. 
But should Love bring heartache and pang, 
Tears and such things, Love can go hang.

Love that is not mutual is the kind that brings “heartache and pang;”and can leave you wondering how you ever left yourself open for such agony.

Mutual love, however, means you can feel secure that you both love and are loved equally, and are approximately equal in your energy for staying together. There are four major areas of mutuality that must be present if a relationship is to succeed and grow: love, benefit, trust and support.

• Mutual Love: Love is the constantly renewing energy that keeps a commitment alive. When both partners feel loved, and both feel appreciated for being loving, commitment can thrive.
• Mutual Trust: As promises are kept and feelings respected, trust in each other grows. In order for equality to exist, both partners must experience roughly the same degree of trust. 
• Mutual Benefit: The benefit we gain is based on what each person knows he or she will get out of the relationship, and how each person is enhanced by being in the relationship. While each partner may perceive different benefits to differing degrees, and may value certain benefits differently, the sum total of the relationship must feel similarly beneficial to both partners; if not, unequal power results, and resentment will develop.
• Mutual Support: Although relationships can involve a certain amount of stress, when we feel committed, we feel willing to face the difficulties and the challenges of working things out. Implicit in a loving relationship is the understanding that you and your partner will support each other—emotionally, financially, mentally, spiritually, verbally—to the best of your ability, through both good times and bad. 

When the above four conditions exist, the mutuality necessary for true love exists. Recognizing this is especially important if you have past relationship experience in which your needs have not been met, you felt unloved, or you were abandoned. Evaluating your mutuality is also a good way to discover whether you are ready to commit to a relationship, or need more time to build. If you're paying attention to whether you and your partner both feel love, trust, benefit, and support, your intuition will probably be a pretty good indicator of whether mutuality truly exists. Most people report that they are aware when their relationships feel unfair and unequal. 

To Build Mutuality

If the love, trust, benefit or support in your current relationship seem unbalanced, the following guidelines can help you create mutuality where you need it.
• To build mutual love: Let each other know when you feel loved, and show your appreciation for it. If you’re not getting the kind of love you want, you can say so, and negotiate for what you want. If you’re worried that your partner is not feeling loved or appreciated, don’t let it pass. Ask about it, and let your partner know you’re willing to solve the problem together. 
• To build mutual trust: Only make agreements that you can actually keep. If something unavoidable or unforeseen is going to prevent you from keeping a promise, renegotiate in advance. In order to have love that works, you must be willing to say no when you mean no, and help your partner feel free to do the same. When you can trust each other to say no, you will also trust each other when you say yes.
• To build mutual benefit: Ask yourselves what's in the relationship for each of you. Consider whether the decisions you are making will benefit both of you. For example, if one of you decides moving is a great idea, what will the benefit be to your partner? 
• To build mutual support: Discuss what support means to each of you (support can be emotional, verbal, or financial in nature). Experiment with different ways of giving support to each other, and discuss how supportive they feel. 

If you’re feeling that one or more of the criteria for mutuality—love, trust, benefit or support—is not shared or equal, say so. It's always best to tell your partner, no matter how uncomfortable you may feel about doing so. If you do not, resentment and anger can build and, sooner or later, explode; what is perhaps only a small and easily solvable problem no can thus become a major issue later on, blown out of all proportion.

adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Now that we are together things have changed.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been dating this girl for 3 months now but we were talking and going on occasional dates for a good 5 months before we finally made it offical. Now that we are together things have changed. She ignores me when we are around friends and family. When I ask her if she wants to do something or just hang out she always finds an excuse and i end up finding out she went out with her friend at the last second. I finally tried talking to her about it and she said that she wasn't in the mood and every time I try to she just says the same thing. I really don't know what to I really do like her a lot, but I hate being treated like crap.

Dear Reader:

Apparently, she wasn't really ready to make it official. She's taking her distance from you. I recommend that you offer to go back to being just friends, and see what she says. You can't make her want to be nice to you, but you can let her go if she's not. Telling her you want to make it unofficial might be a wake-up call.  If she's feeling pressured and overwhelmed, getting more space from you may be just what she needs to understand that you're important in her life.  "Letting Go Takes Love" and "Getting to Yes" will help you understand how and why to back off.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you guidelines for establishing balance and mutuality in your relationship.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Is this unhealthy and what should I do about it?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Do I have an unhealthy celebrity obsession?  I really need answers and help! I feel this is still unresolved? Does anyone else have an obsession with a particular celebrity to the degree that you wanna look, act, talk, dress and live like them. I do, I wanna look like her in photos if I dont I'm upset, I live like her as in if she does something then I do it, if she does her hair in a certain way I copy it that's how obsessed I am with looking like her. I'm asking if anyone else does this and I'm asking if this is uhhealthy and what should I do about it??

Dear Reader:

This is a self-esteem issue. You don't feel good enough about yourself, so you're trying to feel better by copying someone else. You need to repair your relationship with yourself.  "True Beauty: Honor the God/Goddess Within You" will help you begin to reevaluate what attractiveness and self-worth are.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction helps you go through an in-depth process to heal your inner relationship and overcome the pain of the past.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Why is there no support line for men?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Thank you for writing "Lighten Up - Cures for Marital Boredom."  Please allow me to give my opinion as to my priorities. I always had the idea to start from the bottom of your list and go upwards. Work together to create a partnership. Sex is important in life, but not number one as to your list. Unless a couple iron out their difficulties, of what ever nature. the problem remains hidden for next time to crop up. If a wife at home works as a maid, then a cook, phones her friends to know news about them, and by 6:30 PM she is off to bed; Is this the married life?

It was never my intention, in nearly 40 years together, I received 5 birthday cards, but funny enough, she reminds every one three weeks before her birthday. If she doesn't treat me the same way I treat her, how can we have a smooth life? I never missed her birthday/or a present. But she asks: How much does it cost? The price is beyond, its the respect, perhaps that's what we could afford.

In my bloody country is a craze, about marriage/women beaten. Instead of setting up a helping line, they are influencing women to leave home. I do not support beating, but, this system is not the solution. Even for the state to pass laws, we must find out why. Why is there no support line for men? Keep giving your good work, perhaps we meet in heaven.

Dear Reader:

You have to begin wherever you can. Find a way to talk to your wife. She probably has some confused ideas about marriage, but I'm sure she can learn. Ask her what she wants in a husband, besides gifts. That will get a conversation started. Tell her you would like to improve your relationship with her. Ask her to tell you the things she tells her friends, if she will. When she gets the idea that you will listen to her, she'll be more likely to listen to you. Culture is often a problem in every relationship, in every country.  We have to work together with our partners to transcend culture and create relationships that work for us, despite the traditions and myths. "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will explain how you and your wife can work together to be happier. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition has a lot of excellent information and exercises you can use to open up your communication and begin to work together.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance on Turning Poison Into Medicine

Dr. Romance writes:

The revered Sufi poet, Rumi, wrote: “We turn poison into medicine and our sorrows into blessings” I’m thankful for many things. I live a wonderful life, surrounded by loving friends and my beloved husband, Richard; I have the privilege of doing work which I love, and I’m thankful (yes, really) for being diagnosed with diabetes 11 years ago.

Why am I thankful? Because it finally solved a problem I’d been struggling with for seven years: a lot of extra weight, gained as I went into menopause and Richard simultaneously had cancer surgery (He’s been cancer-free since, which is something to be thankful for on a whole other level) and during his recovery I was working two jobs, with a long commute and eating to comfort myself. After that ordeal was over, I began exercising five days a week, and thought I was eating healthy, but couldn’t budge the weight. I was mystified, because I’ve accomplished everything I ever set out to do in life by overcoming obstacles and figuring out problems, but I was stuck on this.  Still I knew from personal experience that standard low-calorie diets didn’t work. I also knew that forcing myself to do things I hated would lead to destructive backlash.

I thought back to what had worked for me to overcome problems in the past, and so around the beginning of 2008, it occurred to me to develop an affirmation:
I, Tina, am now creating a healthy body,
in easy and natural ways.  
Divine Love is healing me now,
And I thank Thee for receiving:
that which I need to know,
that which I need, and
that whom I need to know,
and the courage to act upon it,
and the energy to follow through;
In easy and natural, healthy and balanced ways.
Abundance and joy, peace and love.

I repeated it 10 times during each of my swimming sessions, five days a week, and any other time I thought of it.

Then, I added an extra line to the affirmation, so the first line read “I, Tina, am now creating a healthy body in easy and natural ways. Wellness is mine.”

That’s when the miracle happened; although it didn’t feel like a miracle at first. Even though I haven't lost weight, recent blood tests are very good. I have a doctor I love, and no bad symptoms. I'm still working and writing and Richard and I are traveling, and we I have a very happy life.

Here’s how to turn poison into medicine:
1. After the poison, flush your system: When something devastating happens, or you get bad news, allow yourself to feel bad about it: Give yourself at least a little time to be upset, to wail and moan, and to feel your feelings. But, don’t get stuck here; wallowing in self pity solves nothing. It may take you a while to begin to confide in friends, but do it; caring friends help you gain perspective.

2. Be an apprentice: Wisdom traditionally has been passed down from teacher to student, so be open to learning and taking in new ideas. Converting poison to medicine is an art, and a tricky one. Don’t try to do it without information and help. It may take reading, Googling, and talking to friends and to experts to find the information you need to safely change your toxic situation into growth and healing.

3. Seek encouragement: Look for comforting and encouraging signs. Learn from your own past, and repeat what was healing and hopeful before; whether it’s prayer, information, love from family and friends, or support from a group with similar issues.

 4. Let go, give in: You may need to surrender before you can heal. Often going through a ‘dark night of the soul’ is necessary to let go of preconceived notions (i.e.: that will never happen to me; or I can fix it by myself) and open up to a new dawn of a better attitude, the humility to allow yourself to be helped, and the courage to do what you thought you couldn’t. This is what’s behind the AA first step: “Admitted we were powerless over....” 

5. Don’t give up: It can be really discouraging and mystifying to struggle with an evil you can’t seem to vanquish. You may need to give in many times, but don’t give up. Keep searching for the solution. Believe in “Seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you.”  Sometimes the process of turning poison into medicine is complex, complicated, time consuming and difficult. But, it is always worth it. Go the next step, the extra mile; and ask the next question, seek the next teacher.

6. Picture your success: What will it look like when you’ve reached your goal or solved your problem? How will you know when you get there? Make a mental picture (or a lot of them) to help you achieve your goal. Picture yourself healthy and happy, whatever that means to you. Don’t worry about setbacks and discouragement. You can feel bad, complain and cry, and still keep trudging toward your goal.

7. Celebrate: As I frequently tell my clients: Celebration + Appreciation = Motivation. Celebrate every small victory, every tiny accomplishment. Give thanks to God or your Higher Power for every helping hand you receive. Be thankful for your healing or solution even before it happens. Appreciate the potential that is you. Consider being grateful to what the problem is teaching you. You are learning, being strengthened in soul if not in body, and growing in wisdom. Celebrate those around you who can help with information, love, caring and energy.

May you have much to be thankful for, and may your life continue to bless you, and carry you through the hard places. ( Adapted from: It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I believe he is a good man at heart

Dear Dr. Romance:

My husband left to be with a much younger women. The problem became obvious in our marriage 3 years ago. I thought It would be something we would surpass.

I was confused and did not act until one Friday night he did not come home to sleep. He came back that Saturday night and my kids were so happy to see him that I did not ask him to leave that night. Monday morning I finally got the courage and I confronted him and he told me that this girl was taking care of him like I used to do when we were dating.  He said he was planning to leave and he was just making sure I could take care of things myself.

He came back twice and I thought he wanted to work things out but only stayed for a week each time. It has been 10 months since he last left. Somebody has left beheaded doves, chickens, women's underwear (when he was still at home) and other spells on my yard. I know he is a grown man who is able to have a will of his own but all these things confuse me since I believe he is a good man at heart.

He is making a lot of money and has a position of power for the first time in his life. I feel I need to sort things out with somebody with experience like you that can help me accept our failure. Thanks for listening.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I'm thinking that when your husband began making a lot of money, he became a lot more attractive to the kind of women he didn't think he could have, and he's childishly living out a fantasy. He is not thinking with his heart.

I don't know what to tell you about the spells in your yard: it could be him or his girlfriend, or it could even be unrelated. Spells will not hurt you; either clean them up and ignore them, or put a counter spell in your own yard if you believe in that.

Most marriages that split apart like this already have lost their caring connection, which allows the straying spouse to make excuses for his behavior. You need a lawyer: do whatever it takes to get one, and your husband will probably have to bear the court costs. At least get a consultation. You need to know the divorce laws in your state, and to know the right steps to take, or you can really damage yourself and your children financially.

You're upset and grieving right now, and angry, too. I completely understand that. But, in the midst of your grief, you have to be sure you take care of yourself and your children legally and financially.  "3 Tips to Help You from Becoming a Victim of the Drama of Divorce" will help you think more clearly and avoid creating problems for yourself. The following tips may also help you.

Dr. Romance’s 3 tips for letting go of the pain of divorce

If your marriage ends in divorce, you lose more than the marriage itself. Even if your marriage had problems, or you were the one who wanted out, you still will have grief over the dreams and hopes which have died with the relationship. The overwhelming feeling of loss can be confusing and difficult to understand. The following tips will help you move through these feelings and begin to focus on the future.

1. Get Support: The people around you will express a lot of conflicting feelings, because they’re experiencing shock and loss, too. This may be a time when you find out who your true friends are. Some of your friends will avoid dealing with you, or choose your ex. You need trusted friends, family, and a church or support group who will care about you, listen to you, and not judge or try to get you to “get over it.” 

2. Talk or write it out: Talk and write until you’ve expressed all of your grief and loss, anger, confusion and disappointment. Assume you have a specific number of tears to shed, and the more you express your feelings, the quicker you will come to the end of the tears. Be aware that expressing all your grief may be more than some of your support system want to hear. A support group, clergy person or therapist will be able to listen without judging until you’ve said everything you need to say.

3. Have a ceremony: When you feel ready, create a ceremony for letting go of your grief. You may want to include some of your close friends, ritually destroy a memento which symbolizes your grief or the lost relationship, and share your hopes for the future.   

When you are ready, Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you complete the processing of this divorce and get ready to find a new partner.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr Romance: How do you dump someone without hurting them?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am in a bit of a weird situation... I'm 16 and I am engaged to a guy I only met 2 months ago. I thought he was joking so I just went along with it, and it was only when he gave me a ring and started talking about venues and dates that I realized he was serious. I only started dating him because I felt sorry for him. He really isn't my type of guy - he's obsessed with drugs and alcohol, and he does crazy things like jump off roofs and race cars, and he is always in some kind of trouble with some other druggies. He has been put in hospital twice because he gets into fights. I really don't know what to do! I am way too young to get married! But I don't want to tell him in case he does something stupid to 'prove himself' - one time I tried to break up with him and he cut my name into his arms with a shard of glass...

Dear Reader:

OK, this is what happens when you don't take relationships seriously. This guy is obsessive, and therefore dangerous. He hurt himself the first time you tried to break up, the next time he could hurt you. If you're not in school together, and you can cut him off, do it right away, by text message, phone or e-mail. Don't worry about hurting him, he's going to hurt whatever you do. Tell him he's not stable enough and you're not old enough, and you have to break it off. Urge him to get help. Then block his calls, texts, e-mails and your Facebook page or whatever social media you share.  If you are in the same school and classes, you're going to have to have some help. Ask your parents, the school counselor or a trusted teacher, if you have one, to help you keep this guy at bay. Please take this seriously. He needs help, and you need protection.  "Setting Boundaries and Saying No" will show you how to take care of yourself.

  You will not be responsible if you "friend" hurts himself, it is almost inevitable that he will, no matter what you do.  My concern is that you not allow him to hurt you.  "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" will help you understand how not to repeat this mistake.  "Guidelines for Successful Dating" shows you what appropriate dating is like.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you recover from this disaster and take you step-by-step through the process of finding a great companion.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I just want a way to resolve the yelling.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been together with my wife for about 3 years now. We have worked on many issues in our marriage and resolved most of them, however there is still one issue that has not been resolved.

It seem that little mistakes I make such as not taking out the trash when it smells after I come home from work, makes her so angry that she shrieks at me, and I mean shriek not yell. During these times I refuse to yell back and it makes me feel like a door stop. I have read several books on that matter and it says to not yell at her in anyway and walk away from her and tell her that I am not walking away because I am ignoring you but out of respect for myself and you. This does not seem to make a difference.

Afterwards she does apologize but it seem misplaced and half hearted. We talk and she says that it will not happen again yet only hours later it happens again. I just want a way to resolve the yelling. I am afraid that when we have children her anger will be directed at them like it was in her childhood. I am just looking for some answers. Thank you so much for taking the time in reading this.

Dear Reader:

I'm very proud of you for not yelling. Just because your wife throws temper tantrums, doesn't make it a good idea for you to do that. Don't stoop to her level. You need to act in such a way that her bad behavior doesn't work. Definitely don't have children until your wife learns better behavior.  Apparently, she learned this behavior from her family, and doesn't realize how destructive it is, because she herself survived it.  

I strongly recommend that you go to couples therapy, and talk about this problem. A good therapist will back you up in telling her that her anger is dysfunctional and over the top. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a good one. "How Not to Fight" will show you why fighting doesn't work and what to do instead.  You can both benefit from reading the following articles together: "Anger: Cleansing Squall or Hurricane" and "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" 

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together  will teach you what you can do instead of yelling and fighting.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

Dr. Romance Video: Dr. Romance on How to Be a Loving Couple when You Have Kids

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Parenthood is an overwhelming job. Kids, especially babies, seem to need you there constantly. It's very easy for parents to get so into the role that they lose sight of the couple relationship they used to have.  "Dr. Romance"  shows you how to devote adequate time to your kids and still keep a special part in your relationship for each other.  

Intimacy After Baby

The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong after starting a family is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed.

Intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted. When this feeling is created barriers fall.

*Gentle touch, eye contact a gentle sense of humor and the right words all create the atmosphere.

*Commenting positively on your partner's looks or the day's activities will also help.

*With a new baby, understand that your couple relationship will be put on hold for the first few months, until the baby is sleeping through the night.  Your relationship will not be a priority during this time, so the more realistic you are about this beforehand, the less resentful you'll be when it happens.

*After things settle down, the mother has recovered from giving birth, the baby is sleeping through the night, and you've established a routine, things will become somewhat easier.

*Try to organize your schedule so that you have some time together, without having to do chores or work, after the baby is asleep.

*Talk frequently about how you're both doing, whether your arrangement feels fair, and encourage your partner to talk about what's bothering him or her. Once you know how to express problems to each other, you have an opportunity to fix them before they become worse.

*If you can arrange for someone trustworthy to baby sit, take at least one night out a week together, or, if the baby can go to grandma's house, or a trusted friend's house, have an intimate, quiet night at home. Time by yourself will refresh you both for childcare and for the relationship.

*Hopefully both parents will be involved in childcare, which keeps the burden from being too great on one parent. If both parents contribute equally, each should have one night off while the other partner watches the child.

Here are four simple steps to create a successful marriage:

1. Talk frequently and honestly to each other -- about your frustrations, about sex, about anger, about disappointment, about your appreciation of each other, about the meaning of life, about everything.

2. Strive to work together to solve anything that comes up -- be a team, a partnership. Don't get stuck on who is right or wrong -- focus on what will solve the problem.

3. Keep your connection going -- through communication, sex, affection, understanding and concern for each other.

4. Have a sense of humor, give the benefit of the doubt, care about each other.

Learn more options for your relationship in How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I just do the best I can to stay in my loving heart.

Dear Dr. Romance:

Quite honestly, all the info in "Lighten Up - Cures for Marital Boredom" is great, but if your list of recommendations were a test, we have failed everyone or most of them. I am walking lightly around here, just knowing, somehow, somewhere in time, we will find our way back into each others space, or away from all this, when the survival mode is no more, for now, I just do the best I can to stay in my loving heart. Have a delicious day.

Dear Reader:

They're not a test, they're things for you to try out. Instead of being resigned try having fun. If he won't do it with you, then try doing it by yourself, but in his presence. Laugh at the funnies, turn on a comedy show, put on some good music and dance around. You'll feel better, and he will eventually be tempted to have some fun, too.

Dr. Romance on Getting What You Want:

If you have difficulty in knowing what you want and communicating it, try these steps:

1. Get clear about what you want: You can’t express what you want effectively if you’re not clear what it is, so before approaching your partner, your boss or your child with a request, think about it and make sure you can write it down in one clear sentence. 

2. Create a good atmosphere: If asking for what you want is difficult for you, don’t do it without preparation. Make sure you and the person you’re asking both have time, and invite the other person to sit down and talk with you.

3. Simply state what you want: Don’t preface your statement with a lot of disclaimers – they make the other person feel accused of something. Just ask, politely, for what you want.

4. Be prepared to accept a “no.”: Remember, if you can’t accept a no answer, then you’re making a demand, not a request, so have a backup solution. Find a way to get what you want for yourself, even if the other person isn’t cooperating. For example, if you don’t get that raise you deserve, maybe it’s time to begin a job search. 

5. Listen politely to the other person’s answer: Whether the other person says yes, no, or something in between -- listen carefully to what he or she says. Don’t get all caught up in a lot of worry and noise inside your head – pay attention. You need to know what the answer is.

If you follow these steps, you’ll find you’re successful a good percentage of the time, and when you aren’t you have a backup plan – so you really can’t lose.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will help you understand your husband, and then help him to understand you better, too. 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: How do I make sure he's not looking for a visa green card marriage?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I met a cute guy that's a foreigner in the USA from Russia so....... How do I make sure he's not looking for a visa green card marriage?

Dear Reader:

Whether or not he wants a green card isn't the real question. The real question is, does he have good character, and does he love you, and do you love him? Take your time to get to know him, and find out what makes him tick. Does he have a job here? How is he making a living? Make sure he has no other attachments. Get to know his friends, and let your friends meet him -- you'll learn a lot through other people's eyes. Don't listen to his words, pay attention to his actions. Don't get ahead of the relationship. "Stupid Cupid" will help you figure out whether you two are ready to be serious.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will show you how to get to know a new date.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I like the feeling of getting cut

Dear Dr. Romance:

is it normal to like the feeling of glass cutting your skin?

I like the feeling of getting cut.......this isnt good is it?...

Dear Reader:

You're right --it's not good. What it means is that you are emotionally numb, and looking for sensation to feel alive. The numbness is probably because you're suppressing feelings about bad things that
happened. You deserve a happier life. Therapy can help you figure out what's wrong and sort it out.  Please do yourself a favor and find a good therapist. My article  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"   will show you how to find a good therapist and get started.  You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK.  They will help you find a knowledgeable therapist or group in your area that can help you.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 
will help you understand what you're feeling and how to change it.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.co

Happy Valentine's Day from Dr. Romance

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

"This book is all about preparing you -- not just for confident and competent dating -- but for a successful, loving, forever adult relationship. In today's world, most of us need some kind of guidance. If you're conflicted at all about dating...if you've ever had trouble meeting people, attracting the right people, or making good choices in love...I highly recommend you get this book so you can get the benefits of Dr. Romance's expert advice right now." Bobbi Palmer, datelikeagrownup.com

"Dr. Romanance is your must-have wing woman to find true love. " Amazon Customer

"They don't call her "Dr. Romance" for nothing. She knows her stuff. Highly recommended book!" Amazon Review

"I have recommended Dr. Tessina's books to counseling clients over the years, always with great success. This one, geared to unattached people, is filled with direct, clear words of wisdom. I recommend it highly." Isadora Alman, AskIsadora.com

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr Romance’s Happiness Tips: Alone on Valentine’s Day?

 Dr. Romance writes:

Valentine's Day gets a lot of media attention, and it can be hard to avoid. When you don't have a special someone to spend it with, or worse yet, you've just lost a relationship, it can be brutal.  If you're alone, it's important to take good care of yourself.  

Gather your best friends around you and make some special plans to have a wonderful day. Send valentines or personal notes to everyone who means a lot to you.  Or, create and celebrate Volunteer Day and use your energy and resources on behalf of people who need your help.  Volunteer to tutor students, help at a homeless shelter, or visit wounded veterans in the hospital.  Having a plan that makes you happy is the best way to fend off the blues.  Get together with friends or family, or go skiing or join a theater production!  Make your Valentine's Day a spiritual growth time, attending a ritual or workshop or gathering with close friends instead of being out with the crowds.  If you are clear about what will make the day special for you, and focus on that instead of what's not happening, you'll feel better about yourself and you won't have any reason to pity yourself. 

 Here are some Do's and Don’ts

DO: think about Valentine's Day in advance -- ask friends to join you, or find an activity that is meaningful to you.
DON'T: allow the occasion to sneak up on you
DO: Think about what will create the most meaningful experience for you. "Your Heart's Desire" can help you.
DON'T: focus on what everyone else might be doing.
DO: consider doing something different than usual -- this is a great time to try something new
DON'T: isolate -- unless you do it as a meditative experience.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  can help you find your happiness.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I love him to death but if I can't find a solution

Dear Dr. Romance,

My name is Michelle i am 18 years old.. I was reading "How Not to Fight"; and everything that you talked about not doing during a fight I tend to do. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we tend to fight a lot about the smallest things that you could possibly imagine. I am usually the one who doesn't blow up or yell. I tend to hold everything in, but I do cry a lot.

He says really hurtful things that hurt my feelings. When I do get mad I try to win the fight and prove my point instead of trying to find the solution like you say.  When he gets mad he yells and even calls me names like a bitch or a dumbass, which hurts my feelings.. and I tell him constantly that I don't like when he does that because I don't do that to him so why does he do that to me and his response is because I act dumb. but in all honesty doctor I don't think I act dumb. I just like to talk about ways to improve our relationship and he is a very closed person he doesn't share his feelings.. well now he doesn't.  

We had been broken up for 7 months and we recently got back together. and during the 7 months of us being broke up I dated 3 guys. but I never took them seriously persay. I went on a couple of dates with one of them and the other 2 I went on 1 date each. but when I was with those guys I realized I wanted to be with my ex (3 year guy), but I had no way to contact him. he dated 5 girls while we were apart. now that we are back together all he talks about is what I did with those guys. but the thing is I don't ask him because it has nothing to do with me what he did with those girls so why is he asking me. He constantly throws it in my face that I dated 3 guys, but isn't he being a hypocrite? Since all he is concerned about is what I did with those guys we can't have a healthy relationship because all he does is fight with me.  Before we had broken up he would be very affectionate and be very understanding and caring, but now what is left of our relationship is horrible. I love him to death but if I can't find a solution to this we are going to have to break up for good.. so please help me/us.

Dear Reader:

I'm not sure why you're with such an abusive guy. You need to learn to stand up for yourself, and not accept name-calling and abuse from him. You may have to break off the relationship again and then give him conditions for getting back together. He thinks it's OK to control you, and he won't listen to you tell him it's not, so you have to act on it. You will get treated in the way you accept. If he starts yelling, calling you names, and being abusive, leave. Even if it's nighttime, in a restaurant or in front of friends, just get up silently and leave. Grow up and get in control of your own behavior. Read "Setting Boundaries and Saying No" and get a copy of my book, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together  to understand more about how not to fight. You deserve a much better relationship than this jerk can give you. 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Is He Cheating On Me?

Dear Dr. Romance: 

Is he cheating on me? Or am I just being paranoid?  Me and my bf have been together for 15 months now. A couple of weeks ago we broke up and then got back together after a week. When we broke up he kept texting me, asking “Are u happy?” and stuff.

We broke up because he lied to me: he told me he was not going out on that Saturday night; but he did, and didn’t come home for the whole night. I got mad and called one of his friends. As a result we broke up cause he said I don’t TRUST him.

After talking, we decided give it one last chance, so we got back together. Yesterday he was gone a long time. I don’t know, but i feel like he is seeing someone else. The thing is I don’t have any evidence and he keeps telling me I am his only one! What should I do? Should I just trust him? Please help!!!!!!

Dear Reader:

Whether or not he has someone else, something is definitely going on. Maybe he has a drug or gambling problem, instead of another woman. No, don't just trust him. Tell him his behavior is unacceptable, and you can't be in a relationship with him until he grows up. Then break up, and mean it. If he wants to get back together, set some rules for behavior, and if he breaks them, forget him. Don't waste your time hanging on to a guy who won't be honest or commit. That will never work, and you're asking for a lifetime of heartbreak. "Stupid Cupid"  explains what you and your boyfriend should be able to discuss in order to build a working relationship.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today shows you how to develop a relationship from dating to making a commitment.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Creating Unconditional Love

Dr. Romance writes:

Love, commitment and relationships seem to be in disfavor these days. I'm seeing a lot of articles and TV shows saying love doesn't last, so why bother. No matter what the media is saying, I believe that all of us want to be loved, and I know from experience that a relationship can work, and that a great partnership is a joy not to be missed.

 When people come into my office searching for love, especially unconditional love, I tell them "Be careful what you want." Unconditional love can be interpreted to mean "You can be abusive to me, you can cheat on me, and I still have to love you." If you want really unconditional love, you might want to adopt a puppy or give your mom a call. But, if unconditional love is interpreted as "uncritical love" or "accepting love" it is attainable.

 What we really long for is the security of knowing that we'll be loved in spite of our shortcomings and mistakes. When a couple builds a successful working partnership in which each person feels supported and respected by the other and each feels that the other has his or her best interests at heart; problems are solved not "my way" or "your way" but so that both are happy with the solution.

Mutual partnership creates a loving environment where deep trust can grow. When trust, respect, responsibility and love feel mutual, that's when we feel secure in love. Almost everyone has an "ideal relationship" in mind, which includes both realistic and unrealistic fantasies. Often this ideal is unconscious, and can result in a sense of loss, hopelessness or anger at times when your actual situation falls far short of your ideal.

 You can hope, for example, that your partner will be delighted with all that you are, flaws included, and would make absolutely no demands on you. If these hopes go unexamined and untempered by the realization that they are unrealistic, and your partner does inevitably get annoyed or upset, you might overreact with hurt, anger, or despair, when simple recognition and discussion of the problem is all that's needed.

 You can reduce the negative impact of expectations by sharing your hopes and dreams with your partner, and working together to set goals and to realize more of your dreams. For example, if you understand an intimate partner will get irritated with you from time to time (and vice versa), you can be open about what is irritating, negotiate ways to minimize the frustration and friction by building in more space to be yourselves, and also work to improve yourself where you see fit, which will reduce the number of times your partner is annoyed, and make your real relationship seem more like your ideal of receiving unconditional love and approval.

 Most people have some unrealistic expectations about love and partnership - - either they expect things to be easier than they turn out to be, or more difficult. Our yearning for an unrealistically ideal relationship begins with longing to find someone who will satisfy the unfulfilled cravings for attention, approval, companionship, support and love that may have been left unsatisfied since we were children. We formulate our hopes and fears about relationships from these initial feelings.

New love, in its stew of lust, adrenaline, excitement, exaltation, love, admiration, hope, harmony, laughter, suspense, despair, sensual pleasure, and joy seems automatically and effortlessly to fulfill all our expectations. But as soon as the first rush is over, reality sets in and the work begins. When couples begin believing that they'll live Happily Ever After in an effortless state of bliss, this natural subsiding of infatuation and confrontation with the reality of each other often seems to confirm their fears that love won't work, and lead to disappointment, pain and dissatisfaction.

  A relationship model based on realistic analysis of who you are, what you want and what your circumstances are can be every bit as exciting and satisfying (more so, because you can actually accomplish it) as your most romantic fantasy. What is realistic will vary from couple to couple, will change with varying circumstances, and will also depend to some degree on what each of you wants in your relationship. You can have happiness, satisfaction, excitement, and fulfillment, even though life and relationships aren't effortless and perfect. Everyone has different needs for closeness and space, for communication and silence, for accomplishment and relaxation. Being honest about what works (even when it's different than the accepted role models) means taking the risk that both partners will not want the same things. Equal partners take responsibility for revealing who they really are, asking directly for what they want and being honest about preferences. Thus, both partners take the risk of hearing "no", and getting disappointed. These personal risks are the most challenging kind, because both partners expose the most private aspects of their personalities, and both risk being rejected.

The reward for taking this risk is a sustainable relationship that feels natural to both partners because it suits the needs and talents of both, and makes only reasonable demands on each. It will remain pleasant, satisfying and functional for a lifetime. Your expectations about relationships can be either helpful, if they provide reasonable and effective goals to strive for; or harmful, if they are so unrealistic that you cannot ever attain them, and they become a source of ongoing disappointment and a sense of failure. A useful ideal allows for the realities and limitations of life without manufacturing needless barriers to growth and change, and provides an atmosphere that supports both of you to be the best you can be as autonomous, equal partners. 

Dr. Romance's 5 tips for creating the real - life version of unconditional love: 

1: Talk about your mutual expectations. If you discuss your hopes and dreams about marriage, sex, money, sharing a home, and the future in advance, you'll get a chance to see how well you work things out together. If you just struggle and get nowhere, you'll need some help to make your relationship work.

2: Remember that goodwill counts. Don't forget to say the nice things, complements, thank - you's - - and request that your partner learn to do that, too. It's as if you have a "relationship reservoir", which stores up all the good feelings and memories: when times get tough, you draw on that. If it has lots of negatives, resentments, complaining and criticism, your marriage will not have staying power. If your reservoir is full of goodwill, good times, laughter and love, your marriage will survive the tough times. 

3: Get relationship counseling. An effective counselor or minister will be able to ask the questions that you may not have thought of, or may be avoiding. Because the counselor is not involved, his or her objective viewpoint can help you open up your communication. You can improve your already good relationship to the point where it's completely satisfying. 

4. Sex is important. A satisfying sexual life will do more to cement the security of your relationship than anything else. Don't downgrade the importance of sex, be sure your communication about sexual issues is open, and be prepared to learn long - term sexual skills, which are different from pre - marital or newlywed sex. Sex in a committed relationship serves a lot of functions. It's a great way to comfort each other, to reassure each other, and to heal emotional rifts, and it can be good for the life of your marriage. 

5. Have a regular "state of the union" meeting, on at least a weekly basis, where you get together, without interruptions (turn off the computer, phones and TV) to talk about how well your relationship is working, whether you're feeling good about it, and to bring up any problems that need discussing. You'll find, if you do this regularly, your problems will never become major, and will emerge when they're still easy to handle.

(C) 2019 Tina B. Tessina Adapted from How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com