Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: I still can't seem to get over it -- Is that normal?

Dear Dr. Romance:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years now.  There is a seventeen year difference in age.  I left for two and a half months to help my older sister during her second pregnancy because her husband was in Iraq. 

When I came back I found out that my boyfriend tried dating other women when I was gone.  One of which was my good friend.  We argued quite a lot for a while and at one point I started to move out, but we worked things out.  And we were even stronger then ever!  But yet I still can't seem to get over it.  Is that normal??  I still question if he talks to them anymore, and he says that he doesn't.  But yet I'm still very bothered by it.  Whenever I bring the subject up with him, he always just says, "I love you, and you only, I come home to you every night. There is no one else that I want to be with.  I almost lost you not that long ago, and I don't want you to leave now."  But like I said I'm still bothered by it.  What should I do??  If you could please help me, I would greatly appreciate it.
 
Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. You feel betrayed, and your trust in your boyfriend has been broken. He was obviously very immature, and it sounds like he's changing a little, but he hasn't sufficiently apologized or admitted his guilt to satisfy you that he feels remorseful, so you can't begin the rebuilding process.  It is possible to recover from infidelity, but it requires that both of you work together to do it.  

"Handling the Green-Eyed Monster" will help you understand jealousy and how to resolve it .  Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage has "Guidelines for Building Trust" you can use to fix the problem.

 

Repairing Trust in your Relationship

If the trust between you and your partner has been damaged, you will need to work together to rebuild that trust. How do you build trust?  Make agreements that are sensible, and keep them.
Trust grows in a relationship over time, as contracts are kept.   Be on time, pay your debts, and treat your partner with respect.  When you can't keep your promise, say so in advance -- if you can't do that, apologize and ask how you can repair the damage. The process is much the same whether you're building trust with yourself or someone else. The following guidelines will help you put these methods into practice:

Guidelines for Building Trust:

*Remember fear breaks down trust.   Don't frighten your partner (or yourself) by testing too hard, risking too much, or demanding the impossible.   If you begin to feel frightened, talk about it.  If you want to be told what is going on, don't make it too hard for your partner to be honest by making threats or reacting hysterically, or with rage.

*Keep each other informed. Lying or sneaking does even more damage than breaking contracts.
If you slip up, tell the truth.  If your partner errs, be open to hearing it without flying off the
handle, and negotiate a solution to the problem, using the problem solving steps in the first
section of this chapter.   If your partner keeps messing up, and shows no sign of change, or if you can't keep your bargains, couple counseling is crucial.  

*Learn to make clear contracts and renegotiate them before you break them.

*Give it time. Patience and communication are your best allies.   As you learn that you both make mistakes, and no one's being deliberately hurtful, trust builds.   As it does, you can begin to relax the rules, and allow yourselves more spontaneity. 

You and your boyfriend may need to get counseling in order to solve this problem.  An objective counselor can help your boyfriend take responsibility for his bad behavior, and help both of you to understand what went wrong.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you do that.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I think I am missing myself

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a women in my early twenties from India. I have gone through your website and i think u can help me. For the first time in life I am so confused, so helpless, and I don't know what i want.  Everything is fine with me.  I am in a good relationship, doing my MBA (2nd  yr, Marketing) and everything is going perfect. But something is missing, I think I am missing myself.

I have lost my self-confidence in my fighting spirit. I don't know how I lost myself in this so called rat race.  I am not happy with myself, because for the first time in life I don't know what I want, or what I want to do. I want to be myself again, the same person I was in school & graduation.  Everybody was fond of me, impressed with my self confidence.  I remember my friends used to tell me that my luck runs 10 steps ahead me, and whatever I do in my life I will be the best.  But now these words have no meaning;   because I am not the same girl.  Actually I did not want to do this MBA, I wanted to go in journalism, but my father forced me to do this course.  I think I started destroying myself from that day.  I don't even want to attend my classes because I am not interested.  I don't want to study what professors teach. I'm really confused, I don't know how to come out of all this. Please help me.

Dear Reader:

You're very insightful to know you're missing yourself.  Please don't destroy yourself to make a point with your father.  An MBA can be useful, even in journalism.  You'll have inside information to write about business and new trends.  At least, you're getting an education, which is always useful.  Is there a school newspaper?  Why not volunteer to write a column on business trends interesting to college students?  That will combine your journalism dreams with your major.

Most of all, get back in touch with yourself.  You have let this battle with your father become more important to you than you are.  Take a few minutes to consider how you can make this path work for you.  Maybe life is trying to teach you something, and using your father as its messenger.  Read my article "Attitude: from Negative to Gratitude"  to help you re-align your thinking. All through the many years ahead of you, you will need to learn things you are not necessarily excited about.  This is a great opportunity to figure that out.  If you stop fighting and struggling, you'll save a lot of time and energy that you can apply to making your dreams come true. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand your family dynamics, and how to make your life your own;  and The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman can Make Before Forty will help you create your own healthy goals.  

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: How can I help her to turn around?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have read your article "Fair Fight Guidelines" and it is impressive. I like to ask your advise for the following situation:

I have married for 20 years and three beautiful children. My wife whom I love the most, uses power struggle tactics: guilt and obligation, threats and emotional blackmail, courtroom logic: peacekeeping, sacrificing, or hammering. Even we go out for a date alone, still same problem, she will bring any thing based on assumption or false, and will ruin the evening.

Lately, she has been putting down my family, mother and sister, brothers.  Also, she is turning my own kids against me. I am sole provider for the family and pay all the bills, including her car.  She works as teacher and does not contribute anything. I never ask what she does with her money, it will cause more problems.

I have tried every thing but failed. How can I help her to turn around?

Dear Reader:

I don't know your wife, but I know that most people who are so negative are also afraid.  It sounds like you need to stand up and be more solid and sure of yourself, so she can trust that you will take care of things and she doesn't have to be so hyper-vigilant.

You won't be able to change her; you have to work by changing yourself to give her something  different to respond to.  I highly recommend that you get couples counseling, allow the counselor to see you interact, and a good counselor will see that your wife is anxious and critical, and help her change -- but a good counselor will also see what you're doing to contribute to the problem, and help you to change, too.  "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" can help you break some of the ingrained communication patterns you've developed. Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed  can help you understand each other better.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance's Guidelines for Not Fighting

Fighting a lot in your relationship? Dr. Romance recommends:

No matter what you’re fighting about: money, sex, kids or something else, the fighting is an indication that your communication isn’t working. If this happens only occasionally, such as when one or both of you are tired or stressed; it’s not too big a problem. However, if you argue or bicker on a daily or weekly basis, or you keep fighting about the same thing over and over, then your communication is not functioning as it should, and you don’t know how to move from a problem to the solution. When this happens, problems are recurrent, endless, and they can be exaggerated into relationship disasters. 

1. Don’t participate: Disagreements always require two people. If you don't participate, your partner can't argue without you. If the issue arises at an inopportune time, you can just find a temporary resolution (temporarily give in, go home, leave the restaurant) and wait until things calm down to discuss what happened (the squabble may just have been a case of too much alcohol, or being tired and irritable.) Then talk about what you can do instead if it ever happens again.

2. Discuss Recurring Problems: To resolve recurring problems, discuss related decisions with your spouse and find out what each of you does and does not want before making important decisions. You have a lot of options; so don't let confusion add to the stress.

3. Seek to Understand: Make sure you and your partner understand each other’s point of view before beginning to solve the problem. You should be able to put your mate’s position in your own words, and vice versa. This does not mean that you agree with each other, just that you understand each other.

4. Solve it for the Two of You: Come up with a solution that works for just the two of you, ignoring anyone else’s needs. It’s much easier to solve a problem for the two of you than for others you may not understand. After you are clear with each other, discuss the issues with others who may be involved.

5. Talk to Others: If extended family members or friends might have problems with your decision, talk about what objections they might have, so you can diffuse them beforehand. Discuss possible ways to handle their objections.

Fights often happen because you’re following automatic habit patterns that lead to a problem before you know it. Using these guidelines will help you overcome negative habit patterns you may have built that lead to arguments or bickering.

How to Take a Time Out

Whenever an argument becomes too heated, and you are aware that you're saying the same things you've said before, things have deteriorated into blaming and defending, or someone is getting very upset, it=s useful to take a time out. This works very much as it does in sports, as in basketball, where everyone can be running full tilt down the court, but someone makes the "T" sign with one hand perpendicular to the other, and the action stops immediately. You can even use the same signal.

To Call Time Out:

1. Make an agreed-upon sign. Some couples use the "T" symbol made with the hands, some choose a "safe word:" a nonsense word that wouldn't be used often, like "rutabaga" or a word that has significance to both of you, such as "Palm Springs" to recall the time you stopped fighting on vacation, or "overload" to indicate that you think things have gotten too intense. When you're not fighting, agree on what sign you'll use during a fight, and honor your agreement; when one of you says the word, or makes the sign, both of you have to stop talking.

2. Walk away: Giving the signal means both of you agree to stop fighting immediately, and walk away. You can just go to separate rooms, one of you can take a walk or a shower, or just go sit and write out your anger. The point is to get out of each other's sight for an agreed-upon time. Built into your agreement about time outs is a specific break time. Twenty minutes is usually enough time for both parties to calm down, get past the reactionary anger, and begin to think more rationally.

3. Come back together: After your break, come back together and resume the discussion. It usually works well to make the agreement that the person who called time out will open the discussion again. It's important to come back to the problem, so the time out process doesn't become a way to win an argument. You may find it necessary to call time out more than once in a heated argument. Don't hesitate to do it as often as necessary. It's better to break up the discussion than to deteriorate into fighting. If you take frequent breaks, you'll change your pattern from arguing to calmly discussing the problem.

Adapted from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I can't shut the voice in my head

 Dear Dr. Romance:

I have just read your article "Age Differences in Dating"

First let me thank you for bringing up such topic, as it has been considered for a long time as a classified one. second, I have some questions that I need clarify for once and for all.

I have a girlfriend, we have been together for more than 4 years. the only (don't worry I won't say problem) thing that keeps haunting me is that she is older than me. I mean 1 year older that's it. You may ask what's the problem, look at those couples with more than 10 years difference! I know but what we have here, is real emotions and a promising future to build together. I mean we are still young and I don t want to end like those people who at a certain point in their life they begin to wonder if they have made the right choice.  I mean from what I heard, let's say, relatives and friends, that at a certain age in our life time as a couple, the woman, she, by nature's law, will undergo the ageing process faster than the male. Besides some friends of mine, who got married with older wives, have a constant fight and struggle over issues like who is on control, who is on charge etc.

let me be honest with you, I am not a macho kind of guy (not 100% macho at least), but what worries me is that, I have been told that when my future wife will get older, she won't be able to take care of you, I mean generally in movies or in a real life (I m not macho remember) the wife always looks after her ageing husband, I mean we, the guys, we'd like to have a woman by our side. please let me clarify my point of view, I'm not saying that women should do this as part of their duties, I m being careful here, because considering the tone of your article I will automatically anticipate your reaction: I can feel your anger and disappointment.

i believe, however, that, being the man, I should provide my wife with everything she needs (as long as i can afford it) and she should do the same for me, so what if she can't do it anymore? what if after giving birth, and being a working mum, etc. she will look 100 years older than me? so the implicit question here, is it true that women get older faster than men?

finally let me tell you a little secret. do you know why I'm writing to you instead of speaking to somebody else? it is because of your article, I could easily detect from your tone, that you are more flexible than the others. I mean I stopped asking these questions (not because I found the answers ) because when the ones I asked couldn't answer me, they simply reply: OH OK, GO AND GET ANOTHER SUPER YOUNGER GIRL. I mean no, I love my girlfriend, and she is the one for me, but I can't shut the voice in my head, telling me to think twice, and to not let my heart decide what is for my mind to do.

Dear Reader:

Please think more clearly about this. You and your girlfriend are both young, there are many years ahead of you. I think it is foolish to worry so much about the distant future. There is no way to plan for what will happen. You may age faster than she, you may not even survive. Life is unpredictable. Think more about how you can create a loving, caring partnership, and less about whether she will "meet your needs" in 30 years.  "Stupid Cupid" tells you what it takes to make a relationship successful. 

How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together will help you learn how to get along with each other.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm Lonely and probably very naive

Dear Dr. Romance:

I fell for a man that I work with. He was married, and I was in a lesbian relationship. When I first saw this man, who I will refer to as John, I thought he was the most handsome man I had ever met in my life. I had dated men off and on, but my two long-term relationships were both with women.

When I began having feelings for him beyond a professional relationship, I moved out and was honest with my partner about having feelings for someone else. John also moved out of his house shortly thereafter. He got a hotel for two weeks and I pretty much stayed with him. We began a whirlwind romance. He then got an apartment and I moved my things into his place and pretty much moved in. I know; not the most sensible thing to do.

Fast forward: He said he and his wife needed to mend their relationship. He continued to tell me he wanted to see me exclusively and that we were going to "move forward in our relationship."

In the last two weeks, I have hardly see him.  He is always busy working on house projects and has been preoccupied applying for a new job.

The situation has been stressful from the get-go: wondering if he is going to get a divorce, living together for a year and then getting separate places, not meeting his daughter, and so forth.  I'm lonely and probably very naïve

Logically, I feel like I should run and think there is no possible way he could be ready to dive into another relationship.  On the other hand, I am not ready to throw in the towel yet. I don't want to keep waiting.  I am giving this relationship 6 more months. The other problem: he does not communicate. I feel like I am left in the dark and now that we both have time off (we both work at schools), he has time for everything and everyone else.

Advice?

Dear Reader:

You are wise enough to know you're probably being very naïve. Please stop waiting for this guy. He's not a good man. He cheated on his wife, and you don't trust him. Men like him rarely get divorced and marry the affair. He was using you to feel better about himself. Now, he's beginning to see what he's losing if he deserts his family. You're much better off focusing on getting a life of your own, which hopefully has nothing to do with dating married men.  "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  will help  you get busy making new friends and meeting new people. "Aspects of Love" will help you understand what reliable love is.  The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before 40 will help you understand what you really want and make better choices in the future.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: She runs my life like a prison

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm  in my early twenties.   I got to this country a few years ago from the Mideast. I used to love this lady I'm  in my early twenties.  I met this lady that was in her thirties, we dated for a couple years then she offered to marry me to improve my immigrant status.  I used to love this lady that is as old as my mom and everything was fine while we were dating,  but as soon as I put the ring on her finger the cover got blown away, and her action shifted.  

The whole reason for her idea is to have a young handsome man to show off, and because of my immigration status and her knowing that I'm basically stuck, she runs my life like a prison.

I'm going through a lot of stress, accusations, control, and mental games just because of my situation.  Immigration laws force you to stay married 5 years to that person in order for you to get legal in the USA, regardless of the circumstances that the marriage is going through. When we first got married I didn't have a job, so she forced me to get one and I don't see nothing wrong with that,  but I can't understand why she says that I can't work with women and I work so much and I'm cheating every time I can't answer the phone.  I lost three jobs because of her coming to my job sites "inspecting" her husband and whatever.

I know a lot of other people who are going through the same exact thing for the same reason and a couple of cases people got deported back where they came from (Arabs and Mexicans) just because their wife, and in a few cases husbands, got what they wanted out of the relationship and they wouldn't sign the "release "form (a paper the sponsor signs saying that he or she is really married to that person and they been together all the 5 years ) reminding you that they were taking the money the time and the life of the other person the whole time and then refuse to sign.

If you decide to use my story please don't mention any names .

Dear Reader:

This is about getting married for the wrong reasons.  You wanted to become a US citizen, and so this lady offered to help you do that, if you married her.  That was the bargain, and now you don't like the cost.  The good news is, you have only one year to go.  Try to make the best of it, and get your citizenship, and then when you've put in the five years, you can make a new choice.  It sounds like she doesn't trust you, because she recognizes that this was not a good reason for marriage.  

Perhaps if you try listening to what she wants, she'll be able to hear what you want.  "Asking for What you Want"   will teach you a better way to communicate. You two don't trust each other, so "Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude" will help you calm down and approach things differently.  

 How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together will help both of you understand each other.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on: 11 things people won't tell you about divorce

 There's a lot of misinformation about divorce, and Dr. Romance would like to clear up some of the confusion.

Here are 11 things people will not tell you about divorce.

1. Divorce will not make you happier, unless you’re leaving an abusive relationship.
2. Divorce sometimes seems easier than fixing your marriage, but it’s usually not.
3. Many divorced couples get back together later.
4. If you don’t have children, and feel OK about how you’ve divided the assets, you may not need to file. Leave it up to your spouse to pay the fees.
5. Sometimes filing for divorce is what it will take to get him to talk to you about what’s wrong.
6. Even if you’re eager to get the divorce, you’ll have a lot of grief.
7. If he is adamant about wanting a divorce, he probably has someone else already.
8. If money is important to him, protect yourself – he may try to leave you with nothing.
9. Even though you’ll have to go through grief, you can survive divorce.
10. You’ll find out who your friends are – they usually choose one partner to stay friends with.
11. You'll have to rebuild your life after divorce, so begin before you divorce -- you may find you can improve your satisfaction with your marriage.

If you do wind up ending a relationship, here's how to get through the divorce in good shape.

Dr. Romance's 5 tips to moving on emotionally after divorce:

1. If you gave it your best shot, and you know it's over, don't waste time in resentment and anger, it's self-destructive. Let go. Do your grieving, cry, journal, and talk about alone, or with a trusted friend. Have a "letting go" ceremony with close friends, and say goodbye to your married life. Put reminders away for a while.

2. Don't hesitate to get therapy to help you through this transition, so you can grieve what's lost (even if you're the one who left, you've lost your hopes and dreams for this marriage) and move your focus on to building a good life in your new circumstance. A professional viewpoint will help you move from past to present, and plan for the future.

3. Take care of yourself financially -- a good lawyer can help you fight for your rights. You'll
feel a lot less resentment if you get your fair share of the assets.

4. This is an important time to have your friends or family around you, you need support. Don't isolate. You don't have to go right out and date again (go slow with that) but you should have a social life with friends and family. Even if you don't think you feel ready to see people, see your closest friends and spend time with them. They'll help you heal, and remind you that you still have people who love you. Spend a lot of time with people you trust.

5. Focus on building your life. This is a great time to try something other than a relationship -- take a class, start a new business or career, get a puppy. Give yourself plenty of time to heal before taking another chance on love.

You can learn the relationship skills you need in How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Should I give up on her?

Dear Dr. Romance

A question for you: I have a female friend that I dated for 7 months - she dumped me - and is, I think, dating some other guy.

The question is: I have tried to ask her for 5 or 6 different events - and have gotten turned down for each one - with some excuse - the excuse sounds good - but I think its just that an excuse. So, the other day I point blank asked her -  do you want me to stop asking you out - and be honest" . Her reply was "NO".

Why tell me "NOT" to stop asking her out if she knows that she will never go out? Should I give up on her or is there a better solution?

Thanks for your opinion and help.

Dear Reader:

If you keep asking, you'll be seen as a stalker, and that won't get you any points.  Maybe she'd rather lie and string you along than hurt your feelings, but she's hoping you'll take a hint. 

Here's what I'd do. Ask her out, one more time, only let her choose date, time and place. She won't be able to make an excuse for that. Just say:  "I don't seem to be able to pick a time when you're available, so you choose the time and place, and I'd love to take you out." And see what happens. If she's just encouraging you because she likes being asked, but doesn't really want to go out, that will call her bluff. Here's the  catch, though. If she turns you down for this, you must not ask her again. Just accept that she doesn't really want to date you, and learn to let go.   "Letting Go Takes Love" will help you understand what happened and move on. 

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you help in figuring out what went wrong with this relationship, and how to move on to find another.

  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I feel quite abandoned by the both of them

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have a number of people I would consider friends - two in particular, that have lately become acquaintances, rather than friends, per se. One, in particular, my ex-girlfriend (who was a good friend 12 years prior to romance), no longer contacts me: calls, notes in the mail, or emails (except for a once in a blue moon occurrence) she only texts. In a couple weeks is a huge event in my life, one that I invited her to attend. She lives approximately 100 miles from me, a two hour drive. She has done the drive many times in the past, but I have not seen her since last October.  I invited her to join me in celebrating the milestone in my life (a religious rite) and her response, after a long wait for an answer, was "Sorry, gas is too expensive and I cannot spend the money". I get the sensation, implication, that our friendship is now ended, too, as she never has time to consider thinking of me.

 Another friendship that I have seen go by the waysides is with another man, a friend I have known for 17 years, since our first year in college, when we were neighbors in the dorms. We've had problems, partly due to the fact that he has an autism spectrum disorder that I only recently (two or three years ago) learned about, and I have my own issues: some resulted from a traumatic brain injury that are long-term. For years we could see each other often and have no fights, problems, or qualms. Then one day we decided it would be better to see less of each other as we tended to get in quarrels and spats over little things; essentially seeing too much of a person, like married couples, even, needing space.

Quite recently he has stopped contacting me for social engagements except on vary rare occurrence. Instead, as in today, he might call when he needs something from me, like today it was my assistance in emailing a company about a business venture. He even told me his plans for later in the night and how they did not include me, yet was disenchanted when I mentioned he could include me too. He stated he has *a special relationship* (It is not romantic) with the other person, a father-figure, if you will. I feel quite abandoned by the both of them especially, probably because I became accustomed to their being in my life. I have dealt with the ex-girlfriend being distant for four years, and that is minor by comparison, but the man lives in the same town as I do, and he is shirking his friendship responsibilities (too strong a word, as friendship is not a responsibility).

Dear Reader:

I'm wondering if you're not putting out angry messages you're not aware of, and thus putting people off. There are natural reasons why friendships fade away, especially in the instance of an ex; she's just moved on in her life, and you probably need to get that and let her go. It's time to make some new friendships. Also, if you're expecting that she do all the driving, it may seem too unfair for her.  Offering to pay gas money for her to come to your ceremony might be helpful.

As to the male friend who lives close by, I'm guessing that the problem is the anger expressed between you. Why don't you try asking him how he feels, and if he still wants to be friends? If he mentions that you seem angry, take that to heart and work on it. Given that you have problems stemming from a brain injury, the objective feedback from a therapist might be very helpful in gauging your own behavior. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a suitable therapist.  "Apology and Forgiveness" will help you understand more about how to repair relationship rifts.

Sad as it is, friendships drift away for all of us: people change, grow apart, and move away. Therefore, it's important to be open to new friendships to keep your social circle active.  "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends"  will help you expand your friendships.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand yourself and your friends better.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I Can't forget him after 10 years

Dear Dr. Romance:

I live in Southeast Asia.  I knew about you from the internet. I have a problem that I haven't found the way out till now. Before I tell you anything, first please forgive me if my English is not too well.

I am in my late 20's and for most local people at that age you should have had a family of your own in other word get married, have children. My parents are worried about me because till now I haven't found "MR RIGHT". They introduced me to some guys; and  even my aunts are worried about me. Moreover all my girlfriends are married and have children. I am never interested in any guys that have been introduced to me, there's always something wrong with them; or probably there's something wrong about me.

The problem is I'm still thinking about my ex-boyfriend. I'm deeply in love with him. even though we have broken up for almost 10 years still I can't forget him. We can't be together because he's in USA now. I think he's staying in the U.S and will never going back here again unless for vacation because his parents are still here. I know his address and his phone number but I don't have the gut to call him. I just sent him some short messages sometimes, and he replied my messages but not too many words because he always had an excuse to finish it. He told me once that if we were at the same place we could probably get back together again. He can't stand long distance relationship. He always wants his girlfriend stay close to him. He is also single now.

We haven't talked to each other for years. I always want to make the first move but I'm too afraid of his rejection. Most of my friends told me if I always compare every guy with him then I would never find someone, maybe they are right.

Please help me. I never told about this to my parents. My dad asked me once if I'm still thinking about my ex-boyfriend but I'm afraid to say yes. I told him that I never think about him anymore and we have lost contact. My dad told me if I still love him, he would let me go to USA to stay close with him. but I don't want that because I don't know what his reaction will be if I suddenly arrive and I don't know what I should do for living there.

Dear Reader:

Your Dad is right, your boyfriend probably isn't even the boy you knew any more. By fantasizing about this ex, you have turned him into a saint, a holy figure no other man can live up to. But, take a realistic look at this perfect boy. How does he treat you? As though he cares? I hope  you can see he does not. Put everything that reminds you of him into a box, including pictures. Put it all away, where you can't see it. Save out one picture that symbolizes your relationship, and then burn it or destroy it to put a symbolic end to that relationship, which is gone except in your mind. You will probably cry when you do this, which is OK. You'll be doing the grieving that is long overdue. Then, you'll be free to meet someone new, and get to know him for who he is. You'll be a lot happier with a real, less-than-perfect man than with a make-believe perfect one. "Where is Love?" and "When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships" will both help you to become more realistic about the situation. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today can help you let go of this fantasy relationship and develop a new, healthy one. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance's 10 Behaviors to Enhance Your Marriage

Want to make sure your relationship is a success?  Here are ten ways to bring the sparkle back and keep it going.

Dr. Romance's 10 Behaviors to Enhance Your Marriage

1. Talk frequently and honestly to each other --about your frustrations, about sex, about anger, about disappointment, about your appreciation of each other, about the meaning of life, about everything.
2. Strive to work together to solve anything that comes up -- be a team, a partnership. Don't get stuck on who's right or wrong -- focus on what will solve the problem.
3. Keep your connection going -- through communication, sex, affection, understanding and concern for each other.
4. Have a sense of humor, give the benefit of the doubt, care about each other.
5. It's not about who's right or wrong it's about solving the problem together.
6. With listening, caring and the willingness to change, anything in your relationship can be fixed.
7. It's a partnership, stupid! Stop struggling, and learn to work together.
8. Behavior that enhances relationships with people at work, and with your friends, will probably work if you use it with your spouse.
9. What goes around comes around, in love as well as life.
10. Be a grownup, not a little kid.

Adapted from How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free, 4th Edition

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: He can't forgive me

Dear Dr. Romance :

I am a 20 year old college student. I have been going out with a man for almost 2 years, I feel he is the one I want to marry but now we are having problems and I don't know how we are going  to stay together. I made the mistake of telling him about my past romantic history and he can't forgive me for it. I also feel he does not respect me. Please tell me what I can do about this.

Dear Reader:

In a lifetime together, you and your partner will have to know how to forgive each other many times over. This is a chance for you and your guy to figure out if you have what it takes to make it in a real relationship Tell him you're sorry he's hurt, and ask him if there's anything you can do to fix it. If he tells you something that makes sense, for example, to go to counseling together, do it. You can get free counseling at school, or at your church. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a good, affordable counselor.  "Relating With Love", "Handling The Green-Eyed Monster" and  "Apology and Forgiveness" are articles you can share with your guy to help you resolve the issues.

If he won't tell you a reasonable way you can resolve the problem, then tell him you can't be in a relationship with someone who can't love you enough to forgive what you did in the past, before you knew him. Then, let him go. Don't make any attempts to fix things or contact him -- let him stew in his own juices without you, until he figures out how important you are to him. If he loves you, he'll re-think things and come to you with some sort of solution to the problem.

If you're NOT that important to him, then you'll just have to move on -- he doesn't really love you anyway, and you need to grieve and find someone else.  It wouldn't hurt you to get counseling for yourself right now. You sound as if you have trouble standing up for yourself in relationships,  "Your Primary Relationship" will help you fix that.  

Good luck, I hope this works out well for you. Keep in mind that every relationship problem is an opportunity to learn something that will make your relationships better. 

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will help both of you understand each other, and give you ways to talk about issues that come up throughout your relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: How can I get my husband into therapy?

Dear Dr. Romance :

I'm getting worried because my husband is drinking more, and laughing less. He works too much, he has lost interest in his guy friends and sports. He's gotten more tense, and is on edge and irritable. Sometimes he even yells at me and the kids. I think maybe he needs professional help. What can I do? How can I get my husband into therapy?

Dear Reader:

Your husband or may believe that therapy is for the weak, and he was probably taught to be tough, self-reliant and never ask for help. Men are often reluctant to seek therapy. I recommend a progression of things to try to get him to go for counseling.

Sometimes an ultimatum works: "You get six sessions of therapy or I'm getting a divorce." But there are also other ways to encourage your partner to get therapy. You know him best. Think about what has worked most successfully in the past when you wanted him to do something he didn't want to do. How do you influence him? Plant the seed and nurture it. Be prepared to give him some time to get comfortable with the idea. Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship has many helpful exercises to help you communicate better with him.

See if you can suggest to your husband's doctor to prescribe therapy.  Internists, family doctors and even urologists are now trained to assess emotional disorders and to make referrals to therapists.  If asking your husband directly to get therapy doesn't work, make a doctor's appointment for him and talk to the doctor beforehand, asking him to prescribe therapy.  This works with many men.

If you go to church as a couple, ask for a couple session with your priest, minister or advisor, and tell spiritual counselor in advance that you think your husband needs to see a therapist.

If your husband likes to read online, "Anger: Cleansing Squall or Hurricane?" and "Anger Management" may help him understand himself better.

If none of this works, ask him to go to a therapy session with you. Say you’re unhappy, and you need his help.  When you get there, tell the therapist you're unhappy because your husband seems so unhappy.  Be willing to help him with it and cooperate with what the therapist recommends. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find an appropriate therapist or counselor.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: He Was Never That Into Me

Dear Dr. Romance:

I divorced my best friend of 13 years this past January. I'm having a hard time moving on... Let me very clear...over the past 13 years of our marriage..we were never sexually compatible...he was never that into me...I had an affair and I am still seeing that 'guy'... I do not want to give up my friendship w/ my ex... It's really affecting me...emotionally... Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated...

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.  Who says you have to give up your friendship with your ex? It sounds like it was always a friendship, not much of a marriage.  Is your current partner jealous (it's pretty standard not to trust someone who was cheating on her husband)? Or does the ex not want to be friends? 

Either way, the best way to go about being friends with an ex is to include the new partner in the friendship. This may be difficult, since your new partnership was an affair.  I'd suggest you talk frankly with both men, if that's possible, and see if you can work out a situation with boundaries that control the problems.  For example, promise (and mean it) your new partner that you won't be alone with the ex in private, only in public.  That way, you can go to lunch, but not be together in tempting situations, or scenarios that would make your partner jealous. 

Find out what was wrong with your sexual relationship with your ex.  Thirteen years is a long time to be married without sex.  Is he gay?  Maybe he has friends on the side, too.  Stop trying to guess what each man is thinking, and ask them.

"Asking for What You Want" will help you clear up the mysteries here by talking to both men; and "Handling The Green-Eyed Monster" will help you understand jealousy and what to do about it  

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences contains exercises, information, and dialogs you can use with both your men to understand your relationships better.   

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Domestic Violence

As a Psychologist, Dr. Romance knows that when we're surrounded by images of violence, it becomes "normalized" and we stop seeing it as unusual.

Anyone who watches the news is becoming aware that we live in a violent society: According to CNN: "33% increase in homicides" in 2020

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV):

• In the United States, more than 10 million adults experience domestic violence annually.
• If each of these adults experienced only once incidence of violence, an adult in the US would experience violence every three seconds. However, because domestic violence is a pattern, many experience repeated acts of abuse annually, so an incident of abuse happens far more frequently than every three seconds.
• in 4 women and 1 in 10 men experience sexual violence, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime with ‘IPV-related impact’ such as being concerned for their safety, PTSD symptoms, injury, or needing victim services
o Approximately 1 in 5 female victims and 1 in 20 male victims need medical care.
o Female victims sustain injuries 3x more often than male victims.
o 1 in 5 female victims and 1 in 9 male victims need legal services.
o 23.2% of women and 13.9% of men have experienced severe physical violence by an
intimate partner during their lifetime.
• From 2016 through 2018 the number of intimate partner violence victimizations in the United States increased 42%.
• On a typical day, domestic violence hotlines nationwide receive over 19,000 calls.
• An abuser’s access to a firearm increases the risk of intimate partner femicide by 400%.
• In 2018, partner violence accounted for 20% of all violent crime.
• Intimate partner violence is most common against women between the ages of 18-24.
• 19% of intimate partner violence involves a weapon.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the financial impact of domestic violence ranges from individual to societal. In fact, they say the lifetime economic cost associated with medical services, lost productivity from paid work, criminal justice, and other costs, was $3.6 trillion.

Hotlines

National Domestic Violence Hotlineexternal icon

• Call 1-800-799-7233 and TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Love Is Respect National Teen Dating Abuse Helplineexternal icon

• Call 1-866-331-9474 or TTY 1-866-331-8453.

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network’s (RAINN) National Sexual Assault Hotlineexternal icon

• Call 800-656-HOPE (4673) to connect with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

• Visit rainn.orgexternal icon to chat one-on-one with a trained RAINN support specialist, any time 24/7.

Resource Centers

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence (NRCDV)external icon is a comprehensive source of information for on domestic violence.

The National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC)external icon provides information, resources, and research on all aspects of sexual violence prevention and intervention.

PreventConnectexternal icon is a national project of the California Coalition Against Sexual Assaultexternal icon. PreventConnect’s goal is to prevent sexual assault and relationship violence by building a community of practice to develop, implement, and evaluate prevention initiatives.

Domestic violence is extremely serious; even verbal violence is serious. It is damaging to adults and also to the children who witness it. However, it doesn't have to be a deal breaker, if the person with the anger and violence issues gets help. When my clients experience violence, I strongly recommend that they get out of the presence of the violent person, right away and at least for the time being. Often, the threat of losing family is the only thing that will break through the narcissism of the violent person. Once that person gets help, acknowledges that he or she is out of control, and learns to control his or her temper and tantrums, then it is possible that the marriage can be saved. Learning self-control is not easy for people who are violent. They often have an exaggerated sense that their anger is not a problem: the other person is the problem. They also are usually psychically wounded from childhood, and this requires some work to resolve.

This is compounded by the victimized spouses or partners, who make excuses for the violence, take the blame, and are afraid to leave.

Domestic Violence -- Top 5 reasons to stay:

1. Your spouse truly recognizes he or she has a problem, and is willing to get help to fix it, and to be accountable for rebuilding trust.
2. You two are going to counseling, and understanding why the violence happened, and how to fix the problems.
3. You're learning how to problem-solve and cooperate as a couple, without fighting or violence.
4. You have a long, shared history, joint finances and children for whom it's worth keeping the marriage together (see #1)
5. You still love each other, and it's clearly mutual.

Top 5 reasons to go:

1. Your spouse is in denial, makes excuses, blames you.
2. You have had it, and no longer feel connected. Be sure this isn't just temporary anger.
3. You are prepared to be on your own.
4. You either have no children, they're grown, or you're certain a divorce will be better for them than what's going on.
5. Your spouse refuses to get help or admit he or she is out of control.

"Family Violence Q & A" can help if there's violence in your family. "Friends in Need: Interventions for Domestic Violence" will show you how to help effectively.

Adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Help me deal with this person without going insane

Dear Dr. Romance,

I'm a victim of emotional & mental abuse by my hopefully soon-to-be-ex husband. The sad truth is that this person doesn't or refusing to recognize what he's doing and I'm very worry for my 8 years old son who I'm sharing 50% custody with the father. I have recently found an article "Narcissistic Personality Disorder"  which described my situation 150% and found a little comfort in the article. Have you had experience with this disorder? Do you have any suggestions to help my son deal with his father's disorder until my son is older enough to understand/protect himself? Do you have any suggestions to help me deal with this person without going insane? Thank you so very much for your time and assistance.

Dear Reader:

Remember when your son was two years old? Narcissistic Personality Disorder is essentially a person who never grew emotionally beyond age two. There are many possible reasons for this, but the most prevalent is having parents who never demanded that their child learn to control his temper and emotions. This is what's going on with your soon-to-be-ex. 

Essentially, you have to treat your ex as a grown-up version of a two-year-old. Give him specific choices, and re-direct him from his focus with them. For example; Don't say "Don't be late to pick up our son" Instead, say "Are you going to pick up our son from school, or from here?"

Remember that narcissists are run by seeking narcissistic supply. They always want validation that they're important, that they are in charge, that you will give them what they want. Therefore, to keep them on their best behavior, withhold emotionally. A narcissist will not always behave well, no matter what you do, but he'll behave better more of the time if you are cool and distant.

He will also behave better if there are witnesses, so try to have a friend or relative around when you have to be in his presence. Don't let him think he's in charge, and don't try to placate him. When he misbehaves or loses his temper, get away from him, even if that means you have to leave your own house. In fact, it's better not to allow him in your house, for that reason.

As far as your son goes, it's vitally important that you not make excuses for his father. Your son will have to learn, sooner or later, that his father is incapable of truly loving him: -- in fact, narcissists often abandon their children, emotionally or physically. So let him find out directly from his dad. Then, when he no longer wants to be around his dad, you can help him avoid contact. If your ex is supposed to see his son, and calls you to tell you he's not coming, give the phone to your son, and let him tell your son directly. Keep a diary of your ex's behavior -- when he misses his visitation dates, etc. If he leaves ranting or threatening phone messages, record them, including the date and time. The diary and the messages will be useful in court for gaining full custody eventually.

To keep yourself sane, you must drop expectations of reasonable or rational behavior from this man. He's neither. Have a backup plan for any time he's supposed to see your son, because he will become more and more irresponsible about it. For example, if he's to pick your son up at school, have a way for your son to contact you if his dad doesn't show.

If you don't oppose him or get upset about whatever happens with your son, he will eventually stop seeing your son most of the time. If you allow him to see that he can upset you by how he treats your son, then your son will become a tool he can use. You want to avoid that. 

"Less Talk, More Action"  "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship" "Coping with Critics" will give you the information you seek for dealing with your ex.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand how Narcissism develops and how to handle it.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I have always been a good mom

Dear Dr. Romance

I am writing to you for your professional opinion regarding my teenage son.  His behavior overall is good but when he gets angry he throws things swears a lot and just a few minutes ago destroyed my vacuum cleaner in one blow to the floor.

I am a single parent about 9 months out of the year and my son is for the most part a big help to me. I have one daughter also who is two years younger.

How can I help him see what he is doing and control his urge to break or throw something when he is upset. He does not do this every time, but it is very upsetting to me and his younger sister when it happens.

I am afraid to tell his father because he is so loud and I don't know for certain that he could contain himself once he started to discipline our son.

We live in a small town and our son is an athlete at one of the two high schools. I do not want to hurt his future with everyone knowing this problem, but at the same time I want to help him.

I feel alone in this problem as my parents are in the same town but are 80 years old. I don't want them to know the every little thing that goes wrong. My father has been a very big part of my sons life and filled in the fatherly gaps while my husband is away.

What can I do? Am I standing in the way? I have always been a good mom. I have disciplined with compassion, always been there to listen or lend a hand with homework, taken him to practice and games and most importantly made him feel loved. Please Help.. Thank you..

Dear Reader:

It's so difficult to be both mother and father to your son, I know. I'm guessing, from what you said about his father being loud, that your son thinks it's "manly" to throw temper tantrums, which actually is childish, not manly. It's really important to nip this in the bud, before he learns from interacting with you that it's OK to be violent and angry with women. Although your son seems to be grown-up in other ways, emotionally he has some maturing to do. It's really imperative to get the help of someone, his coach, perhaps, or a teacher, a pastor, a school counselor or other role model who can teach him how to control his temper. If he doesn't learn to do that, he'll have trouble all thorough his life because of it.

You have to tell some people who can help, even if it is embarrassing. You and your son need an objective, knowledgeable party who has the authority to convince your son he needs to change; and not just for you, but for his own good. You can read some of the articles on my website, like "Mirrors and Teachers"  and "Emotional Abuse: What it is and What to do"; "Avoiding The Drama Triangle";" How to Change Someone" Which will give you some tools to use. It would be a good idea to get counseling with your husband, if possible, or on your own.   It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction could be helpful to all of you to change your toxic family dynamic.

But please don't try to do this all by yourself. If your son won't go for counseling, go by yourself to get some tools you can use. The best of luck to you and your family.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Something Might Just Happen!

Dear Dr. Romance:

I think I may be having some difficulty within my marriage! :(  I don't really know if you can even help me! Maybe even give me some recommendations! I've been married for over 25 yrs. and we are in our 50s. Ever since we had a child 13 yrs ago there has been no more "romancing" in this marriage.  I miss it so much and he's not even into it no more :( He has Diabetes Type 2 and I'm just really depressed about things, plus we have money situations. I feel sooooo sickly ! :( I'm on this dang computer conjuring up guys so I can talk to them and now even thinking about having relations w/ one. I'm really thinking about it, but I'm scared and I'm also a Christian and I don't want to jeopardize my marriage or my son's feelings but I'm at the point where I want to "explode" and have an affair!!!! I feel so lonely and I'm married for gosh sakes and to me that is not normal!!! :(

My son is "Autistic" and I don't want to hurt him in any way but if the right guy came along and really talked me into being w/him it wouldn't take much for the way I feel. Something might just happen!!! Can you please save me, or who else should I take this sad heartfelt marriage dilemma on the rocks to?

Dear Reader:

Be very careful; you are talking yourself into having an affair, making up excuses already, and that's dangerous. Nothing will 'just happen.' It will happen only if you agree to participate, and that's not a good idea. Instead, get yourself some counseling, either from a therapist, from family services, or from a pastor, to fix the problems of your marriage. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find the right counselor. Encourage your husband to talk with his doctor (go with him, and explain the problem) to get help for his sexual function.  

Type II diabetes can definitely affect a man's sexual function and desire, but there are so many things you can do to get sexual release and satisfaction even with the diabetes problems. Please get some help, you're under a lot of stress. Don't make things more stressful and create a tragedy by having an affair. Money Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship will help you communicate more successfully about sex and marital problems with your husband.

  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on shared laughter

Dr. Romance writes: A lighthearted approach to serious matters often is the most productive one. Imagine what your days would be like if you focused on having fun and making yourself and your partner laugh. Fun is also good for your health: Telling your partner the cute thing your kid said (or your pet did) or talking about the funny scene in the latest hit movie will lower your blood pressure, calm your pulse and generally help you release a lot of stress. Laughing with your partner is good for your heart, gives you a little bit of aerobic exercise, and reminds both of you about how good you are for each other. Shared laughter also synchs up your emotional rhythms, which makes it easier for you and your partner to feel connected and intimate with each other.

Loving, shared laughter also enhances self- acceptance. The paradox seems to be that having permission for child-like play also gives permission to be responsible and self-accepting. When you don't make nasty jokes or cruel remarks about each other and your love, and make silly ones instead, you can laugh with each other, and feel good about it. It's also difficult to store up resentments against the person in your life who makes it easiest for you to laugh.

Try it and soon you’ll find yourself looking for ways to make each other laugh. Try pushing your partner’s “laugh buttons” and tickling his or her funny bone and you’ll see how much fun it is.

Instead of treasuring old grudges, and hurts, learn to treasure old jokes and funny lines. Shared laughter can evoke an overwhelming feeling of warmth and caring for each other. The endorphins released by mutual humor flows over both of you, and create joy. Humor is the secret in both keeping your love fresh and alive, and in feeling confident that you will not lose your specialness to each other.

The less you struggle, the more you’ll laugh and play. Struggle can become addictive and be used in relationships to structure time; but when you replace the drama of struggle with the delight of humor you can create positive addiction; and a powerful solution for what to do with your time together.

There is a blessing in the joy of shared laughter. Try it: get cartoons or jokes that pop up on your computer every day, share a joke you got via e-mail or talking about the funny scene in the latest hit movie. Laughter will lower your blood pressure, calm your pulse and generally help you and your partner to release a lot of stress.

The benefits of laughter are numerous and the existence of frequent, warm laughter in your relationship indicates that all is going well, and gives you both confidence that problems can be overcome.

If something frustrating is happening, try easing the tension with a bit of humor to change stress to silliness. Don’t poke fun at your mate, but use shared humor as a way to say “I know this is tough, but we’ll get through it.” Your mate will think of you as someone soothing and helpful to have around when problems happen. Won't it be great to represent fun and happiness to each other?

Adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Is Facebook romance hopeless?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am in an unusual situation.  I was speaking to a random person on Facebook one time.  We became Facebook “friends”, and we kept chatting back and forth on e-mail.  This girl was already dating someone (not very happy though), but I guess she kind of started to feel uneasy about writing back and forth with me anymore.  That’s fine, I understand that. 

Anyway if you know about Facebook, they usually have a list of your best friends off to one side.  One of that girl’s friends is pretty attractive and I started to talking to her.  She’s single.  We also became “friends”, and we’ve been writing back and forth for a little while.  Kind of small talk regarding things like:  what sports we like, things we’re doing on the weekend, things about our family, etc.  Anyway, I really like her a lot.  She’s the kind of person I could definitely see having for a nice long-lasting relationship.  Obviously, I’d like to meet her.  One big problem.  We live about a 3 hour drive from each other.  Neither she or I have mentioned meeting.  I’ve just been thinking about it.  I have a feeling if I bring that up, she might freak or something (or maybe she won’t; each woman is different).

We’re both single, never married, fairly young, and with no kids.  So besides work, no other serious responsibilities.  What might you suggest as a way to pursue reaching her.  Or is it just hopeless idea? Thanks for any help!

 Dear Reader:

More hopeless ideas than this one have actually worked.  But, you have to go about it properly.  I'd put out a feeler, something like "I wish we didn't live so far apart; it would be fun to talk F2F."  That's a hint, without being pushy.  It's complementary, and gives her a chance to think about whether she'd like to contact you or not.

 If she says she'd like to see you, too, I'd suggest finding a venue either where she lives, or somewhere in-between, and proposing you meet there.  Maybe for a sporting event?  It doesn't have to be expensive, you can choose a high school event.  Or, some kind of festival that happens nearby, where you can just wander around together, have something to eat, see the sights.  Anything very public is not too threatening, and if she has her own transportation, she will feel safer.  I don't know where you are, so you'll have to fill in the blanks, and come up with the ideas. 

A three-hour drive every time you meet, in these high-cost gas days might be a big obstacle, but it also might provide the kind of brakes on the relationship that allow it to grow at a slow, healthy pace. 

In addition, please don't put all your hopes on this girl.    "Where is Love"  and "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will help you find easier ways to meet appropriate dates.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has a lot of information and exercises to help you date successfully.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: What Is The Grieving Process?

Dear Dr. Romance:

What Is The Grieving Process? What are the stages of the grieving process? How long does it take to go through each stage? Can one stage be relived over and over again? Is there a way to help someone through each stage?

Dear Reader:

If you've had a personal loss, I am sorry that you have to go through it.  The traditional stages of grieving, developed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, are Denial (or shock), Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. How long it takes depends on how big the loss is. We can grieve even over the loss of a job.  "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" will give you more details and specific help with grieving.  I recently developed a course on grief: Grief: What it is, Why we have it, and How to get through it  

Grief is an organic process, it has its own wisdom, and it needs a witness. An understanding friend, family member or co-worker can be that witness. There is nothing you can do to make a terrible loss less tragic, so the grief, anger and frustration that you feel are normal reactions to the circumstances. So you go through the stages of grief: shock, anger, seeking, depression and peace. It's normal for both of you to feel fear and rage that something terrible happened, a need for prayer and comfort, bouts of being overwhelmed, exhausted, disconnected, and depressed, and, finally, acceptance and understanding that this devastating event is a part of the risky life we humans all live. These feelings will come jumbled up, they'll recycle, and come in different order. 

Grief is an essential life skill -- knowing how to survive grief means feeling safe to take another risk, and grieving actually expands one's capacity to love.  Expression of grief, and respect for the dead, is very important to the grieving process. 

Anniversaries are very important in the grieving process. Each time an anniversary comes around, survivors relive the original loss. The first year of grief is the hardest, because it presents you with anniversaries and/or holidays all year around and each one is the first time without your loved one. The second year is somewhat easier, because you've survived each anniversary once. The actual anniversary of the event is the day that marked the change in your life, so for most people it continues to be significant. Marking the anniversary of your loss with a ceremonial event (such as posting on a grief site) helps you feel better. It also helps to include a reference to the person who was lost on each significant occasion, such as wedding anniversaries, religious holidays and birthdays. 

The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs contains helpful information about recovering from grief.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm Living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am having issues with my boyfriend. I was searching online and found an article that spoke of your book How to Be a Couple and Still be Free. I started doing some research on you and your other books (It Ends With You, How to Be Happy Partners,  The Real Thirteenth Step all struck my personal interest). I am from the US but at the moment I live in South America. My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic who has 2 1/2 years clean and sober. He attends AA meetings at least 3 times a week but I feel as if its not enough.

He has turned into a verbally abusive person who avoids confronting issues, lies, and caused many issues with me and my family. At one point I started yelling back and became violent with him. I turned into a part of the problem instead of being a part of the solution. The relationship has become dependent, resulting in him spending large amounts of time at my house and the feeling that I almost need his permission to go out with friends. I, in result, have become a jealous girlfriend, a trait I know single-handedly murders a relationship. He resents and mocks me when I say, "we have to learn 'to be a couple and still be free'", thinking that I have an ulterior motive. He is just now looking for a job.

With all of this said, our relationship of 2 years has not been all bad. In fact, he has helped me with a great deal with my own issues (a sort of second hand NA, using the same principles applied to my life). The times when he doesn't bear a striking resemblance to Mr. Hyde, he is a genuinely good person. My relationship with him is one of the most cherished things I have in my life. But I often joke that I am dating two people, Him and his Ego. This is the last opportunity I can give, because beyond this I am just abusing myself.

I have 3 questions for you:

1. How can I go about mentioning these books to him without a fight? I don't know how to reach him so we can have a rational conversation, instead of using avoidance and making empty threats.

2. By any chance can these books be found in Spanish?(he speaks English but his native language is Spanish)

3. Do you know if any of these books can be found in South America?

I hope this email wasn't too long, I am sure you are a very busy woman.

Thank you in advance for the benefits I will receive from these books.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry to hear you're having trouble with your boyfriend.  I don't know if your boyfriend is or was addicted to drugs, but you say he's now clean and sober for 2 1/2 years, which is great. People who get sober often are left with problems like rage, because they stunted their emotional growth with drinking and/or drugs. AA meetings, even three times a week, are not enough. He could benefit from reading The REAL 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self- Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve-Step Programs.

He probably won't be able to control his anger until he gets some help -- anger management classes or therapy. I am not familiar with the customs in your country, but in many Hispanic areas, it is considered "macho" for men to be angry, it's seen as OK, and that makes it even harder for a man to get the help he needs.

You are right that getting angry yourself is becoming part of the problem instead of the solution. You need to stay out of fights, and get away from your boyfriend when he is angry. Don't stoop to his level.  You don't live together, so if he misbehaves, don't see him for at least a week. He needs training, like a child who throws temper tantrums. You're also right to use the Dr. Jekyll /Mr. Hyde analogy, because it fits people with anger problems very well. The Mr. Hyde part of the brain is hidden until triggered, so the man appears to be wonderful until he suddenly becomes enraged. It's important to tell him (make sure you are safe -- do it by e-mail or by phone and don't be alone with him) that you will leave him if he doesn't learn to control his anger. You can tell him I said being angry like that is very childish, and not manly at all.

Here are the answers to your questions.

1. How can I go about mentioning these books to him without a fight? I don't know how to reach him so we can have a rational conversation, instead of using avoidance and making empty threats.

You won't be able to tell him these things if he doesn't want to hear it. If he has a sponsor in NA, you might want to get the sponsor to be present and to back you up. Or, have people around who are safe for you. Mr. Hyde never goes away: he can come out at any moment, so protect yourself.

2. By any chance can these books be found in Spanish? (he speaks English but his native language is Spanish)

I'm afraid the only book of mine that is published in Spanish (that I know about) is Las 10 Decisiones Que Toda Mujer Debe Tomar Antes De Los 40 which doesn't really apply.  Maybe you could read The Real 13th Step together in English.

3. Do you know if any of these books can be found in South America?

I know you can order them from Amazon.com, and if there are bookstores that carry English books, you may be able to find them there. Links to order them are on my website.

It's not a good idea to waste much time on an angry man. You could find a loving man instead, one who gets along with your family, and is loving toward you. Finding one who is healthy to begin with is easier and safer than trying to fix this one.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  can help you find a guy without the anger problems.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on The Perks of Dating a Divorced Person

Dr. Romance asks:  Should you date someone who is divorced?  Does it mean the person can't commit or trashes relationships?

It's possible that those things are true, but let's look on the positive side.  What are the perks of people who have already been through the mill?

1. Divorced people are no longer living in fantasy land. A person who’s divorced may have made some mistakes, but he or she’s usually got a more realistic picture of what it will take to have a successful relationship.

2. A prior marriage is evidence that your date can commit. As long as the marriage lasted for a while before the divorce, it's proof that our date can make a commitment and follow through.

3. Marriage can educate a person about partnership and how it works. Even though the previous marriage didn’t work, while it lasted, both partners probably learned some valuable things about relating to a partner, (even if it's only what doesn't work) and you’ll be the beneficiary of that wisdom.

4. Your date may have learned how to communicate and cooperate to run a joint life. Many divorced people have become good at cooperation. They have experience sharing finances, children, a home, and coordinating time schedules. These can be great perks.

5. Your date probably understands the positive side of emotional intimacy, and may miss it, which is a great opportunity for you.

6. A divorced person is usually housebroken. he or she knows how to not live like a single person, and how it feels to have a nice, well-kept home, and a full refrigerator.

If your divorced date has children, read "The Challenges of Blended Families"

Adapted from Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Should she tell the man she's in love with him?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have a friend who's asking for an advice and accidentally, I saw in the internet your advice to some heart problems. So I told myself to try ask help from you also. This lady friend of mine is well, kind of in love with a man who's also in love with her. However, a friend of ours also is I think falling in love with the same man.  So, my friend does not know what to do.  Is it just right for her to tell to the man she is in love with him even if doing so will hurt our other friend?  Because the advice that I had given to her is to better tell what she feels. And also, She does not know if the man still loves her because lately he acts somewhat different.  It's as if something turned out bad. I hope you can give some advice.

Dear Reader:

What are the facts? If this guy is dating both women, then he's just having a good time, and not thinking about commitment. If he's not dating either, then this is all just fantasy. Both ladies should stick with reality, and not get too far into their hopes about this guy. The big question is, has he asked either or both of them out on a date? If he has dated your friend, then she should not tell him what she feels (it's usually pretty disastrous with a guy) but ask him what he wants to do about their friendship. If he hasn't dated her, she should take the lead and ask him out to coffee or lunch, to let him know she's interested. Whatever she does, she shouldn't make a dramatic declaration of feelings unless he does. That just spooks a man, and sends him away.  "You Be the Judge" will help your friend think more clearly about men.  "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" will also help her understand the difference between a good guy and a bad one.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today is full of exercises and information to help your friend be more successful at finding a good partner.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I have a family member with two failed marriages

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have a family member with two failed marriages, after she asked for my advice I suggested a spousal abuse counselor for therapy. She didn't receive counseling and went on to a second failed marriage. This time even worse than the first. She doesn't understand the reasoning for counseling. She is under the advice of a friend who said you just pick up the pieces and move on. With the second marriage not only beatings but terrible financial problems and two children to boot. We talked again about seeing a counselor this time she found a friend whose mother counseled children on proper manners in school. I was kind of hoping you could shed some light on what the need for counseling is all about and why it's necessary. thank you

Dear Reader:

I'd be happy to shed light. Counselors do several things. They help clients heal emotional wounds left over from the past, and help them reconfigure patterns that may result from those same past experiences, which lead them to repeat the same errors. In addition, counselors are life coaches, who help people think through their decisions and help them make better choices in their daily lives. Counselors also help guide people through grief and loss, and overcome guilt and hurt feelings.

 "Guidelines for finding and using therapy wisely"; "Ten Things People Don't Understand About Counseling" "Family Violence Q & A"  and "How to keep yourself out of a violent relationship" will all help your friend understand the need for counseling, and "Friends in Need: Interventions for Domestic Violence" will help you understand how best to help her.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help your friend understand the early roots of her relationship problems.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: AA only goes so far

Dear Dr. Romance 

I am 13 years sober through the 12 steps of  AA, but I haven't been to more than one meeting in the last 2 years, after making 3 a  day for the 1st yr. and averaging 5 a week for the next 4 years! AA only goes so far. They do not tell you that. If you are still feeling "crazy" after a few years you are  accused of not working the steps, reading the book or going to meetings. It takes a dysfunctional person a long time to figure this stuff out on his own... that is, that he (me)  needs serious outside help (on the inside job).

I was really glad to find your book, The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs

I will work on the exercises in your book: I like the "committee," and the trouble spot exercises best.  I wanted most of all to tell you  how profoundly your discussion on not being able to think clearly due to all the  different voices in my head being in conflict has had on me. I never made it to a university degree and I always thought there was something wrong with me that I couldn't, (although now I see  it was quite an accomplishment to have completed 86 units (hours) of 120 for a BS).   I believe I have a wonderful and creative mind, but I am  running out of time. I'm now 47...

Dear Reader:

I'm glad my book is helping, and happy to be able to tell you a new eBook version recently came out.  It sounds as though you are doing good work, so keep it up. AA is a big help in the beginning, but you're right, they don't cover everything.  You have accomplished a lot, and you can learn everything you still need to know. Don't forget to give yourself credit.  I know AA is concerned about grandiosity, and reluctant to give credit for accomplishment -- but you need to understand the difference between false pride and reality based pride.

You're right, you need objective information and advice from someone who is trained and really knows the difference.   "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  will help you find a competent and knowledgeable therapist.  The major key to your recovery is developing your relationship to you, for which you had very dysfunctional models.  when you get that going well, you'll have more objectivity about your own actions, and how others are treating you.  It's a relief to finally understand what's wrong, isn't it?

Getting most of a degree is an accomplishment to be proud of.  If you can do that, you can do whatever you want.  It's a lot easier, however, when you're working with yourself, fighting yourself.  "Winning the War Within" will help you stop the inner fight that confuses you and slows you down.

You're not so old, it's never too late, you know.  You can still have a happy and productive life.  Keep doing what you're doing, and it will work.

You'll find that It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction helpful in understanding inherited issues from your family

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance: Does your relationship need a summer cleaning?

 Dr. Romance: tips on cleaning up your marriage:

Over an extended period of time, dust and detritus can accumulate in even the best marriage. Periodic cleaning, to clear out the cobwebs and re-energize your connection, is a great idea. Just like a regular housework schedule, regular weekly talks (I call them State of the Union discussions) keep the problems minor, the resentment level down, and the communication open, so that there is time and space for intimacy.

In a successful, long term relationship, passion becomes a shared sense of humor and goodwill toward each other

1. Learn to negotiate and solve problems together. Generally speaking, men value competency and problem solving. Women value intimacy and emotional connection. Learning successful problem solving ends fighting and power struggles, and therefore leads to more intimacy. She may think he's focused entirely on time, power or money, but what he's really trying to do is create enough security that he can feel safe to let his guard down. He may think she's nagging and bugging him, but what she's trying to do is create a comforting and soothing atmosphere where she can relax and feel connected.

2. Tidy up your intimacy: Regard your face to face time as sacred (it is; it will bless your marriage.) Take time to listen to each other. Touch as often as possible (put your hand on your spouse's leg while driving; give him or her a little squeeze now and then, hug and kiss each other.) Create a cuddling space in front of the television, on the porch swing, in your bedroom, and use it. Intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted. When this feeling is created, barriers fall. Gentle touch, eye contact a gentle sense of humor and the right words all create the atmosphere. Positive comments on your partner's looks or the day's activities positively will also help. Couples disconnect when they don't feel interested in each other any more. To reconnect, make an effort to listen and understand each others’ needs and wants.

3. Like shoring up the foundation of your house for earthquake safety, creating a healthy partnership gives your marriage a solid foundation. The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed. If you really want to restore the marriage, begin not by complaining, but by seeking to understand your partner. Once the connection is there, you can begin to work out the issues.

4. Wash away old resentments and air out grudges: Talk about what's bothering you in a rational way. Ask clearly for what you want, and let your partner know why it's important to you. If you can't find a way to agree, go for a counseling session. Resentment will destroy your marriage: for the price of one session, before the problem gets too large, you can save it.

5. Shine sunlight on and appreciate the beauty in your environment. Let your partner know you appreciate what he or she does, personality traits, (i.e.: his sense of humor, her generosity, his practicality, her hard work) and companionship. The more you praise what you like, the more you'll get of it. We all want to be appreciated. Celebration + appreciation = motivation

Adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: What is being a therapist like?

Q & A with a Dr. Romance reader:

Q: I would like your advice and input. I have been working in business for 12 years as a CPA and have recently been quite  frustrated with it. Recently I did some career/interests/aptitude testing and found that the work I do now is pretty much what I am LEAST suited for! Lots of psychic energy spent being successful in this career.

A: Yes, I was an accountant for 15 years, so I understand. It didn't make me happy, either.

Q: One of the recommended areas for me was to become a therapist. I have asked for some input from my current therapist and wondered if you could share some ideas on the following also:

What do you like most about what you do?

A: I love people, and helping them change their lives. I also love the writing aspect of my career, which helps balance out the people contact. For example, in my book It Ends With You; Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction    I show readers the therapy process involved in healing from past dysfunction, including exercises that work well with my clients.  Every therapist has to be creative on the spot, to come up with exercises, homework and explanations for struggling clients.  After doing this for a number of years, and finding out what works best for my clients, I can then put my best ideas and solutions in a book, to help more people than I can reach one on one.

I enjoy being self-employed, and having control over my schedule. Working out of my home is also great. My life feels all one piece, everything related, and I like that.

Q: What are the frustrations with it?

A: Dealing with Insurance!!! I refuse to do it now. Instead, I give my clients a "super bill" receipt, which they can turn in for reimbursement.  People who persist in self-destructive patterns, no matter what I tell them about change. No perks, no paid vacations, I pay for my own benefits.

Q: Where would you recommend training (I am on the west coast and have been looking into an M.A. at Pacifica in Santa Barbara)?

A: I have been licensed since 1978, so I'm out of touch with current schools.  The school I went to for my MA, The Lindenwood Colleges, is excellent, but it no longer has a branch in Southern  California. Check with the BBSE (see below) for their guidelines.

Q: How is it different from what you expected?

A: I thought I'd want to work with colleagues, but the staff meetings and other wastes of my time drove me crazy, not to mention worrying about others' ethics. So, I wound up working alone, and I love it.

Q: how do you deal with boundaries (i.e. being able to walk away at the end of the day and not take everyone's problems home with you)?

A: I think of each client's issues as attached to them. When they walk in the door, they bring their history with them, and it also leaves with them. If something bothers me, I talk to one of several colleagues for support and guidance. 

Q: What else do you think I should know before jumping in?

A: You won't learn much you need to know from school. You'll need a good cram course for state licensing test, and you need to choose your internship very carefully, because that's where you'll actually learn counseling. Start your internship ASAP, even if you have to do some sort of assistant or secretarial work for them. Get your feet wet counseling as soon as you can, and get into a clinician's training course. I learned so much from Rev. Denton Roberts, MFT. Watching him work, and working under his supervision was the greatest part of my training.  Pick a modality (such as: Gestalt, Client-Centered, Cognitive/behavioral, NLP, RET, Couples Therapy,) as soon as you can. You'll need to be grounded in one mode, and you can branch out from there.  It's a lifelong learning process, and in California, we're required to take 18 units of Continuing Education per year, as mandated by our licensing board, the California Board of Behavioral Science Examiners.

You'll also need somewhere to learn the business skills of running a practice, if you want to be self-employed. College doesn't teach you much of that, but you may already know it (as I did) from being an accountant.

Also, I strongly belive all therapists should be in their own individual therapy before getting licensed.  It's important to heal your own wounds and dysfunction for two reasons:  First, if you don't become aware of your own issues, they may cause you to make mistakes (therapists with unresolved grief have trouble helping grieving clients; unresolved dependency, sexual or money issues may lead a therapist to unethical behavior; of course, addiction of any kind is a disaster for a therapist.)    Second, it gives you an experience of what your client is going through at a given moment.  You get first hand how terrifying a major change in belief system can be; how much pain is involved in early memory, and how unbelievably liberating it is to resolve and heal old issues.  This is invaluable when working with clients, and is the root of empathy, which every good therapist needs.

Best of luck to you.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Every time we talk, I'm in tears and he's mad.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been married for nearly 20 years and thought we had a great marriage. 10 years ago I got hurt and have had 6 back surgeries.  At one point I would double up on meds and drink to ignore life.  During this time my husband was an angel; until he discovered I was taking more meds and drinking.  He was so repulsed that I was doing this to our family. He would talk to his friend (a girl) and began to have some feelings.  He attempted to kiss her and she did not respond but the thought that he wanted someone else is destroying me. I really did not realize what I was doing to my family.  Everything became strained when he threatened to leave. I cleaned up my act and an doing pretty good although our marriage is still in trouble. He doesn't know if he could love me like before. I did do a lot of awful things when I was od-ing.  Why can't we get past this? We are seeing a marriage counselor but I don't think it's doing anything there is so much to say.  I just want to love my husband but I'm having trouble trusting him and he is having trouble just being with me every time we talk it doesn't end well. I'm in tears and he's mad.

Dear Reader:

You say you're seeing a marriage counselor, but if you're not both talking about what went wrong, the counseling won't help much. With all the hurt and betrayal you both have experienced, you need to talk it out, and you need a professional counselor who can help you through this. I don't think your current counselor is getting you where you need to be.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" shows you how to find a stronger counselor. I hope you are going to individual counseling or a twelve-step program, too. You need a sponsor or counselor all your own to help you take full responsibility for your choices, and to understand how to apologize and also forgive your husband. This should not be a discussion about who's right or wrong, but an acceptance of responsibility and clear willingness to change. You have changed your drinking and drug behavior, but some of the attitudes need changing, too.  "Apology and Forgiveness"  will help you forgive both yourself and your husband.  The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance, and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs will help you understand the emotional issues underlying your drinking and drug use.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Can you refer me?

I read your book How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free  

several months ago and re-read it recently. I would love to receive more one on one help. Do you have anyone you could refer me to? Thank you for your help!

Dr. Romance replies:

I'm sorry, I don't personally know any therapists in your area. Consult your state licensing agency or www.Healthline.com You can bring How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free to the therapist, and ask him or her to help you with the exercises you.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" can help you find a suitable therapist, and "Ten Things People Don't Know About Therapy" will help you understand what to expect.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Bad Marital habits

Dr. Romance sees many clients who are having marital problems because of the following bad habits.  If you find yourself doing any of these things, consider changing your behavior or getting counseling.

 
1) You place social media above real communication;
This can be a big problem, especially with younger couples. Feeling that you’ve discussed something because you’ve texted, or because it’s on Facebook is not the same as actually communicating. Spending your free time surfing Facebook, Pinterest, or Twitter when you could be having “face time” with your partner is a bad choice.

2) You start a fight after a bad night's sleep;
Whether it’s bad night’s sleep, trouble at work, lack of sex, or being ill or in pain; nothing is a good excuse for fighting. When you’re cranky and out of sorts, it’s your responsibility to be aware of that and ask for some extra space, or find a way to take care of yourself. If you let your partner know it’s a difficult day, that gives him or her a chance to be more thoughtful and considerate than usual. But, every day can’t be a bad day, so if you’re always cranky, take a look at your lifestyle, and what you need to improve.

3) You talk money all the time;
Money’s important, and I rarely see this problem in the couples I deal with. Most of the time, it’s that they don’t talk money enough, and problems are discovered too late. But, if your spouse thinks you talk about money too much, pay attention. Are you obsessed? Or do you need some information about how to have effective money talks? Financial planning is very important for a happy marriage, but financial nagging and haranguing aren’t the ways to go about it.

4) You’re too attached to your phone;
Try this. Leave your phones at home the next time you go out to dinner, and see how much better the conversation between you is. I know the phone is tempting and easy, but don’t let it seduce you into neglecting your relationship and your partner. If you can’t control it, set times when you turn it off so you can focus on an important family discussion or romance.

5) You allow the in-laws to take control;
This can be a big problem. You and your partner are your primary family now. You need to discuss your in-laws and how to set boundaries with them. If your families have different styles and traditions, negotiate with each other first, then present a united front to your families. It’s time to “put away childish things” and change your relationship to your parents and siblings. It’s important to be close to them, but not at the expense of your relationship.

6) You apologize instead of compromising;
If you’re apologizing too much, consider that your partner may be abusive. If you did it before this relationship, then it’s a self-esteem issue. Either way, it’s a good time to go for therapy and get it sorted out. You need to learn how to stand your ground when it’s appropriate. Apology can be a good thing, a way to heal small rifts between you, but not if it’s all one-sided.

7) You put off time for fun;
This is a common, chronic problem for Americans today. We value work, and don’t see the importance of re-creation. But, you need your down time, too. And if all the fun goes out of your marriage or your life, you won’t be a happy camper. Hark back to your dating days to see what you used to do for fun, and schedule time for some of that.

8) You use work to avoid problems at home;
Yes, work is easy. You usually know what you need to do , and it’s finite tasks, with a goal. Relationship problems are much messier, you can’t control them by yourself, and you must have the maturity and mutual respect it takes to work together to solve them. Consider problems at home to be just another task, like jobs at work. Your mate is your team partner, and you need to create a strategy for working together to solve them.

9) You forget the small signs of love.
Ah, so very important. Affection, politeness, and everyday sweetness are the WD-40 of your relationship. They make everything run smoother. Try a little sweetness or tenderness, and see what happens. Everything gets easier.

If any of these bad habits are yours, and you have trouble knowing what to do about it, "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find the counseling you may need. 

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship has exercises and guidelines that can help you change these bad behaviors.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Which one should he choose?

Dear Dr. Romance :

A man loves woman #1 but he was unhappy with the relationship for some reason. He was stressed financially. He was supporting his family. He has 2 children with woman #1 all he wants is the best for them and them to be happy and have a family. He has been going out, hanging out with friends; and says he's doing this to relieve his stress at home.

He has been unfaithful to the mother of his children He was confused if he loves her and thinking that he might just her only because woman #1 is the mother of his children.  Then he found out that woman #1 is cheating on him with another man. He was hurt and angry. He found someone else that is the total opposite of woman #1. He fell in love with her and cares for Woman #2.

He and the first woman have been together for almost 5 years, and she was dependent on him financially. He tried to send her back to school but she didn't take it seriously and dropped out. She was there for him and put up with him all these time. He know she loves him and cares for him. He felt guilty that somehow he neglected her therefore she went and looked for the attention she needed from another man. In short she cheated on him. He forgave her and tried to work things out with her but she cheated again. Now she's gone, has her own place, moving on with her life, got a job, receiving welfare & child support, and has a new boyfriend. In spite of what woman #1 has done to him yet he still feels that wanted her back into his life.  He thinks she is the love of his life and wants a complete family.

He met the second woman 1.5 years ago. He felt that he was happy with her. He felt the happiness that you have never felt in your life. He loves her and she loves and cares for him too. She has been there for him, understood his situation, and accepted all his flaws. She has a good job. She likes his children and his children like her. She had let him go, the first time around when he told her that he wanted to work things out with woman #1 and told her that he wanted to go back to his family.

He met the second woman again after he found out that woman #1 had cheated on him again. She accepted him back into her life.  She didn't know that he was still trying to get back with woman #1. He thinks that woman #1 is still the love of his life and he is willing to put everything aside to have a complete family although he knows it's not going to have the same trust that they had for each other. Now he is confused. He both loves these women. But the first woman didn't want to reconcile with him anymore. His new partner is there for him, waiting for him to be completely available for her. Should she wait?

Dear Reader:

I think Woman #2 should wake up and smell the coffee.  This man is never going to be faithful to or care for her.  He is taking whatever he can get, and not giving anything back.  She needs to find a man who really cares for her, not just whoever is handy. "Friends With Benefits" will explain why uncommitted relationships don't work. "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" will show you how to evaluate his behavior.  "Romance is Not Necessarily Love" will help you see the difference between excitement and real love. and "Your Primary Relationship" will help you learn to take better care of yourself.

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will show you how to communicate with potential partners so you are not left with all these questions. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance’s 3 tips to finding true love

Dr. Romance’s 3 tips to finding true love:  

1. Know the difference between fooling around and building a real relationship. You can mess around with anyone (if you’re careful and have safe sex) but before you bring someone into your life, or share money or living space, remember they’re bringing baggage. Know what’s hidden – what’s not said at the beginning. After a while, their baggage becomes your problem. Remember, whoever you’re dating is on best behavior. It gets worse later, not better.

2. Understand your own needs. Need a lot of space? Want lots of affection? Have to know what’s going on all the time? Or are you able to relax and go with the flow? Whatever your style is, it’s OK, but you need to know it and be able to communicate it to your future spouse. You can train each other, if you both know what you need.

3. Don’t seek romance, seek partnership. Romance is for dates, and fun to have on occasion in your marriage, but it’s partnership that will get you through the rough times. Don’t look for someone who sweeps you off your feet. That indicates a control freak, and you won’t like what happens later. Look for someone who likes give-and-take, who seeks your opinion and considers it, who cares about what you want, too.  

From: Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Can short guys date?

Dear Dr. Romance :

I'm a 5'4" 34yr old male. I've searched online dating sites for a few years now and read thousands of women's profiles. In doing so, I recognized a peculiar trend in women's descriptions of their ideal mate. It's exhilarating to read about a woman who mirrors my ideal match in all ways. I'm not very picky so several women meet that criteria. My excitement is soon quelled when it comes time to read about the person she's looking for, because I know what's coming next. She wants someone taller than I. From the shortest to the average height, most women I find in the personals don't seem to want someone around my height. I've seen woman equal to my height and a few inches shorter looking for guys no shorter than 5'7" and they don't seem to settle for less. I've also seen women as short as 4'9" looking for guys 5'10" to 7 foot. That's gotta be something to see.

So I have a few questions; Why do women prefer men taller than themselves? Why do short women prefer men much taller than themselves? Am I cursed with the "taboo" height?

Dear Reader:

You're discovering the same trap that any of us who are not media-perfect can fall into. Personal ads are way too focused on the outside, and not enough on the inside. Any woman who'd turn down an otherwise great guy because of a height difference deserves what she gets. If you see a great ad, I advise you to ignore her height requirement, and answer the ad anyway.  Everyone in the personals is talking about ideals, but, face-to-face, people can be a lot more accepting.  Research shows that the mates people choose don't match their dating profile requirements.

Don't lead with your height, figure out what else is attractive about you and lead with that. Say you have a tall personality. When you're answering online ads, your writing counts. Quote poetry, be witty, and respond carefully to whatever she writes to you. Make sure you let her know you can hear what she's saying. That's the most attractive thing to any woman. You aren't the only short man out there, and others have found their mates. You can, too.

"Relationships 101: Do Opposites Attract?"  explains why people don't always know what they're looking for in a mate. "Turn On Your Charm" will help you increase your attractiveness.

For more detailed information on how to date online: Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

 

 

Related articles

Dr. Romance on Living Outside the Box

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm Dating a Dad with kids

Dear Dr. Romance: I am a substance abuse counselor

Dear Dr. Romance:

I work at an Indian health clinic in northern California. I am a substance abuse counselor, or Certified Addiction Treatment Counselor . After scanning a book I found on a colleague's bookshelf called The Real Thirteenth Step

  I felt compelled to seek it out, and I found it on Kindle.

I have worked the 12-steps and once had enormous faith in that process. I still believe there is some healing there, but also that a much more compassionate process can be created. I am working on that and your book is assisting with that project. In examining the program with new found objectivity I agree with your assessment of the steps, but feel reluctant to recommend the steps as well. My studies have taken me in the direction of positive psychology, and I'm striving to correlate it with  the steps.

My motivation for writing comes from the belief that there is possibly a greater need for your book than ever. As you are probably aware 12-step is the mandate of choice among social and justice agencies across the country. I want to recommend your book to colleagues and clients.  I believe this book should be a part of the curriculum at A.D.S. programs everywhere. 

Dear Reader:

Thank you for your interest and comments about my book. Please do recommend it to people.  I'm delighted you're finding the book helpful, and I want to clarify that I am not reluctant to recommend the steps to my clients. I regularly refer people, and I simply urge them to use the steps wisely, and to seek out a group that's showing a lot of recovery. You and others in second or third stage recover may have outgrown the twelve steps, but for someone in the throes of addiction, it's a good place to start.

I'd be happy to have The Real 13th Step used in any treatment program. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Will this guy turn out like my wicked stepfather?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have a problem. My mother has introduced me to a male co-worker at her work. We have been friends for a month. My problem is that I am afraid that this relationship may become serious. The gentleman that she introduced me to is real nice, but my stepfather was the same way when he and my mother were seeing each other and now my stepfather is very mean and argues with my mother about anything and everything. I am afraid to take this relationship any further, because I think of all the bad thing that has happened with my family and I just don't want to go through them again. What should I do?

Dear Reader:

Your letter concerns me.  It sounds like you have a serious anxiety problem left over from a difficult past, so I hope you are getting counseling.   You need to know how to handle intimate relationships. I strongly suggest you join ACA (even if there was no alcohol in your family, there was rage and dysfunction) you'll get lots of support and good information there.

You are right not to trust this man too fast, but it's OK to continue dating him, if you like him, and see how things develop. Remember, it's up to you to learn how to set limits, and to say no when someone puts you down or mistreats you. If he tries to control you, or can't take no for an answer, those are warning. signs.  "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship"  will help you understand how to keep yourself safe.

Observe his behavior and the people around him.  How are the other relationships in his life? Do you know some of his friends and family? How well do they all get along? Does anyone else seem scared around him? There are ways to tell what kind of guy he is, if you know the signs. Get some help and some information. If you learn how to trust that you'll take care of yourself, you won't have to be this scared.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  can be used as an adjunct to therapy or on your own to repair damage done by your stepfather.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  has the information you need to make sure your relationship is developing in a healthy way.

 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Love and Chemistry

Dr. Romance writes:

Many of my clients want to know: What is a safe surrender to love? They have been in love before, and have gotten hurt. While we all are aware of the joy and beauty of love, and the profound pleasure of being in love, most of us are also afraid of mistakes, of making a wrong decision.

We know, on an inner level, that living and loving by chemistry alone can be dangerous. Many of us equate good chemistry with true love, and bad chemistry with lack of love, yet we have trouble knowing which is which.

In all my years of counseling, I never found an adult client who didn't recognize chemistry; the feeling of being in love. Chemistry is the rush, the high that we experience when we get together with someone who mysteriously turns us on. Everyone I've talked to seems to know the difference between loving someone, in a familial, friendly, platonic or parental way, and being in love, which implies romantic, sexual, turned on love, sometimes even lust.

Chemistry is usually the first thing that must be present in order for a romantic relationship to exist. No one has the energy for the sometimes difficult journey of love without the excitement of physical response. The question is not whether chemistry exists, but whether it's the kind of chemistry that will produce a healthy relationship. Good chemistry can help your relationship sustain itself through the initial dating phase while you and your partner get to know more about each other. The excitement of it all can help you overcome your ambivalence about introducing your new romance to your friends, and help both of you to open up, to share your inner thoughts and even be more generous with your time and your possessions than you might otherwise be with this new person, who still somewhat of a stranger. Chemistry overpowers the strangeness of being new to each other, and makes you feel close right away. While this is often helpful, it has some pitfalls if you let your chemistry lead you without conscious thought.

Chemistry is powerful, but if you focus too heavily on whether or not you are excited about someone, you may discount the very real possibilities of the kind of love that grows slowly, such as a friendship that eventually becomes a lover relationship.

There are several myths about chemistry that might trip you on your way to a solid, lasting relationship:

* Chemistry Myth #1: Love happens instantly, you must be absolutely sure from the beginning, you’ll know when you find it, and chemistry is all you need.

These ideas are heavily promoted in movies, TV, novels and plays. Such romantic falling in love can be great entertainment, but it usually doesn't work well in real life. You need a lot more than chemistry to create lasting love.

*Chemistry Myth #2: Physical lust is always the same as love.

While love can include physical excitement, at other times purely physical and/or circumstantial attraction can exist that fades rather quickly, and leads nowhere. The more you get to know each other, the less exciting a purely physical attraction is; with love, the better you know each other, the more love grows.

*Chemistry Myth #3: You can't fall in love with someone you are not immediately excited about.

Sometimes love grows slowly, as you get to know someone. Falling in love with the character, lovingness, personality, honor and strength of a person is quite different from falling in love with the outer person: physical appearance, beauty, style and dress.

*Chemistry Myth #4: You can't fall in love with an old friend. Sometimes you get to see an old friend in a new light, and suddenly, chemistry can happen. Suddenly, excitement, physical response and desire can grow where there used to be only friendship.

*Chemistry Myth #5: Relief is the same as love.

When you're very lonely, or hurt, or grieving positive, caring attention from a lover can feel so good, and relieve your internal pressure so much, that you can confuse it with love. Although this kind of support can add to the depth of your love, this kind of neediness alone won't sustain a relationship over the long haul.

*Chemistry Myth #6: If I'm this excited, it must be love, and this person must be good for me.

Be careful when you're turned on. It clouds your thinking. It is possible to get turned on to someone who is not good for you. Every client I've seen who's ever been in a violent, addictive, or destructive relationship tells me they were very excited, there was a lot of chemistry at the beginning. While chemistry is fun, and a powerful motivator, it is not enough to guarantee that the other person will be good for you.

Without judgment, unexamined natural attraction can lead to problems. Chemistry alone does not evaluate whether the attraction is sensible, it simply responds to certain signals. For these reasons, it's necessary to think clearly about your immediate sexual response, to make sure you're choosing partners with whom success is possible, and commitment worthwhile.

from Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I want to get married

Dear Dr. Romance : 

I already know my heart's desire; it reminds me daily. I want to get married. I want a mate. I want children. My problem is, this is not happening now. I have been single for a very, very long time. I don't need to get to "know myself" because I've been alone, what seems like forever, knowing myself. I am self-assured in the person that I am. I am fully acquainted with who I am: A woman in my late thirties who wants a partner to share my life with.

I have been to movies alone, traveled -- nationally internationally -- alone, went out to eat alone, went to bars alone, etc, etc. You can't make people like you. You can't make people accept you. You can't make people want you. So what do you do? Sometimes, many times, you become depressed, bitter, angry -- Why won't this world - for once - release what you want?!

Dear Reader:

I hope you want more than just a mate, and to be married. Many women have gotten themselves in big trouble by just taking the first person who was willing. You may well know yourself, but your description: "A woman in my late thirties who wants a partner to share my life with." doesn't give any information about who you are -- just your desperate-sounding need. I do want you to have your heart's desire, but as long as you focus on it this way, I don't know if you'd see it if you found it.

Yes, you can act in ways that cause people to like you, accept you, and want you. Not all people, but plenty. Demanding what you want like a bitter, spoiled child is not likely to achieve it.  Taking a more honest look at who you are and whether or not you are pushing people away, or walling your self off from them would serve you better. Depressed, bitter and angry are not attractive personality traits -- counting your blessings and being open to even more are a lot more attractive. You're only 37. You have lots of time to make your own dreams come true.  "Anticipating Change"  and "Where is Love?"  will help you understand what you can learn, rather than what won't work. "Dating: The Fine Art of “Squirrel Hunting” gives you a new way to approach dating.

Seek to make friends, because a network of friends will lead you to your love. I wish you all the best, and a happy outcome.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you a lot of  great information to help you do better with your relationship search.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Please help, our family is growing apart

Dear  Dr. Romance:

Q: My father died 1 1/2 years ago. My mom always snaps at me and my older brother and I think she has a serious problem.  I personally think it's a power struggle because she feels like she is loosing control over my brother and I.  But, what she doesn't realize is that we are becoming adults (my brother is already over 18) have to move on with our life and that what has happened can't be changed.  She always thinks we need to talk things over, but she keeps on repeating herself over and over again and that really makes me upset!

My brother is going to university in the spring and my mom just needs to learn how to relax and not get so uptight.  I told her maybe she should have some therapy and she said "do you know how much that costs...$100/h...and do u know how many sessions I'd need?"  She really does need it!

What should I do??  Please help our family is growing apart and things are getting bad.

Dear Reader: It's pretty normal to be upset at your mom when you're a teen, especially when the family is under stress because of the loss of your dad.  I was really angry at mine, too.  I'm sure your Mom is having a tough time raising the two of you, with your dad gone.  Maybe she is the one who needs to talk.  What do you think?

I'll bet therapy would help your mom.  She is probably grieving, and has no time to do it, with all her responsibility.  Please tell her for me (or let her read this) that she can go to The Family Services Assn. Jewish Family Services or Catholic Charities, she doesn't have to be Jewish or Catholic to go, and they have counseling on a sliding scale.  I don't know where you live,  but both of those organizations are in most cities.   If that doesn't work, any church will offer pastoral counseling, and probably some referrals.  Also, you or she  can call the Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) even if no one is suicidal, and they have good, local referrals.  Your school should have a counselor you can see, and get a referral for your Mom and your whole family.

I'm sorry it is so very hard.  Try to give your Mom a break -- it's a tough time for all of you right now, and fighting will just make it worse.  See how helpful you can be, and cut Mom some slack when she gets upset.  Her world was turned upside-down, too.  Check out some of the above references, talk to your school counselor, there is help available for all of you. You're a smart girl, to seek help for yourself and your family.   "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" can help all of you find affordable counseling.  "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" will help you, your brother and your mom understand the grieving you're going through. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help all of you repair and heal your family. Your whole family can benefit from my e-book course: "Grief: What it is, Why we have it, and How to get through it"

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: How do I become a psychotherapist?

Dear Dr. Romance:
Please could you give me some guidance on how to become a psychotherapist. 

My brother,  had a stroke four years ago.  It makes me sick what a stroke can do to someone.  Before  the stroke he was making a six figure salary and spending most of it. He lived in a large house and was a member of a beautiful country club.  He has a wife and two sons.  When he had his stroke, his wife left him.  He had to quit his dream job of working for himself.  They both refuse to get a divorce. She would rather whine and complain and be the "victim". He had to sell his house.

My parents are the primary caretakers of my brother now. My parents live near me.  My brother is in his early forties.  He is paralysed on his left side.  His wife's entire focus now is on her two twin year old boys. She has not helped his healing at all!  She has moved in her parents house, forcing her dad to get remarried and move out.  It makes me sick how this can happen to him, his wife, his children; her family, and me and my family.  I can't fix them; yet this is the reason I am interested and so inclined in becoming a psychiatrist. I would like to specialize in Jungian or Gestalt therapy.

I would like to know if you were advising someone how to become a psychotherapist these days, what type of bachelor degree would you recommend? Thank you for your feedback and guidance.

Dear Reader:

Your brother's situation is truly a tragedy, and I am sorry for everyone involved.  I can hear your distress and grief in your letter, and suggest you (and perhaps most of your family) get some counseling to help you handle the emotional pain of this situation.  I believe every therapist should begin with his or her own personal work, so that would be a good place to start.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  will help you find a counselor.

Before I telll you how to become a psychotherapist, I want to explain some terminology.  A psychiatrist is not a psychotherapist, and does not normally do counseling.  Psychiatrists are medical doctors, with a specialty in psychotropic medicine.  They interview patients to diagnose a problem, and then prescribe medication.

There are several choices if you want to do Gestalt or Jungian therapy.  You could be a psychotherapist (often called a family counselor) a psychologist, or a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW.)  Laws vary by state, but in California, where I am, a psychotherapist must have a master's degree in clinical psychology, which includes certain courses required by the California State Board of Behavioral Science Examiners (BBSE).  Then, you must have 3,000 hours of counseling under the supervision of a licensed person, and sit for a state licensing exam administered by the BBSE.  LCSWs follow a similar process, but their Master's Degree is in Social Work.  Psychologists must have a doctorate, then 3,000 supervised hours and a licensing exam.

Your bachelor's degree can be in either psychology or sociology, but the Master's Degree or Doctoral Degree must conform to your state's licensing body rules. You can get more information from your state's licensing body,  The American Association for Marriage, Family Therapists  or the American Psychological Association about rules in your state. 

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will show you how I use various modalities with clients.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance: It’s a Dirty Job

Dr. Romance writes:

Richard and I have been married since 1982 It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s definitely been worth it. In the first year of our marriage, after a difficult struggle between us, I gave my husband a card. On the front it said, "I love you", many times, and inside it said, "It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it." That phrase has carried us through many difficult times since. We have kept our love alive, and the joy of this relationship carries us through the rest of life.

I read many articles about what happens after the passion dies in long-term relationships, and my clients frequently are worried about the same question. I believe what happens, when all goes well, is that a sense of humor sets in.

The burden of passion can be a heavy one. Having to rev up the energy for a passionate, heavy-breathing session making love after a hard day's work can be an appalling prospect. How much more inviting it is to be able to have a silly giggle session, complete with sexual play, with the dearest person I know. Suddenly, the heaviness and obligation are gone, and if I'm too tired to be passionate and alluring, I always seem to have the energy to mess around .

Arguments are hard to have with a lovable three- year -old, which is what Richard can become at the drop of an accusation. He puts his hands on his hips, sticks out his chin, and (in a perfect imitation of a kid mimicking an angry parent) says, "Who did that?" He then points his finger at whatever offense (a messy table, a forgotten chore, lights left on) I've lost my sense of humor about. Watching him, I can't hang on to my anger. After we laugh, then we can do something constructive about the problem.

Please understand that I'm speaking of humor, not irresponsibility. We are both adults with successful businesses, and we have an equal, relatively balanced relationship. We hashed that out many years ago. We get angry with each other mostly out of irritability, exhaustion and frustration with our heavy schedules - not because either one of us is slacking off. Things don't get done at times because we have hectic lives, and hectic lives benefit greatly from a sense of humor.

I guess it takes a certain amount of self-acceptance to create healthy humor, rather than the hurtful kind; but then again, this loving, shared laughter has also enhanced my degree of self- acceptance. The paradox seems to be that having permission for child-like play also gives permission to be responsible and self-accepting. We don't make nasty jokes about each other and our love, and I don't exactly know how to express the difference. What I do know is we laugh together, and it feels good.

We have been together more than a quarter century. We could still grow apart, but I don't think so. This is my second marriage, and the first long term relationship where I don't feel in danger of being bored. I seem to easily run out of tilings to be passionate about, or dramatic about, but laughter never gets boring. It's also difficult to store up resentments against the person in my life who makes it easiest for me to laugh.

I find myself looking for ways to make Richard laugh; and over the years, I’ve gotten pretty good at it. He knows my laugh buttons better, too. Could he be looking for them? I wouldn't be surprised.

So, rather than treasuring old grudges, old hurts, we treasure old jokes and funny lines. I know I can turn to Richard and say it's a dirty job ... and get an answering smile. I also know he understands when I say that phrase, that I love him, “warts and all" It's a good feeling.

There are times when an overwhelming feeling of warmth and caring flows over me, and many of those times are when I laugh with Richard. Humor seems to be the secret, at least for us, in both keeping our love fresh and alive, and in feeling confident that we will not lose our specialness to each other.

The more we learn about living together, The less we struggle, and the less we struggle, the more we laugh and play. One of things I have learned as a therapist, is that struggle is often used by families to structure time. As a partner in this relationship, I have learned that replacing the drama of struggle with the delight of humor can be a positive addiction; and a powerful solution for what to do with our time together.

The net result of all this is that I have become an advocate of the silly solution , and it is working better than all the seriousness I used to think my relationships required. There is a blessing in the joy of shared laughter.

Here are three ways to help your relationship become a blessing:
1. Have a weekly State of the Union discussion.
This is not an argument or complaint session, it’s an opportunity to update each other on how things are going between you. I recommend it because couples often tend to avoid talking about what’s going on until a problem is created. If you keep each other informed of both the good things and the problems on a regular basis, nothing will get out of hand or become too dramatic to solve easily. This works every time with every couple in counseling with me who are willing to do it.
2. Express Love, Kindness and Sweetness.
The relationships depicted in the media (and probably your own parents’ relationship) do not model kind, loving and considerate behavior very well. Although the press may be bored by politeness, kindness and happiness, those traits will make your partner and your relationship flourish and blossom. Consider kindness to be the lubricant of your communication; and expressing love to be the fertilizer that makes the relationship bloom.
3. Show caring for yourself and your partner.
Guard against sacrificing too much by making sure you care about yourself, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Guard against narcissism and selfishness by caring about your partner in the same four areas. Achieving balance in these areas is the best way to ensure that your relationship will thrive, and no one will carry too much resentment, which is the only emotion that can destroy love.

Adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Do you have information on developing autonomy?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I hope you don't mind me emailing you for advice. I am looking for some books/info on developing autonomy. I have had a lot of problems with this in my childhood, due to family environment/mother etc. I feel I have no sense of personal power and it is badly affecting my life/relationships. I have had therapy in the past, but still have symptoms and feel like I am still underneath a lot of stuff and need to improve upon my own sense of self, which is very fragile. Can you recommend some books for me please?? thank you

Dear Reader:

I wrote  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  just for you and others like you. When you grow up in a dysfunctional family environment, you learn a set of beliefs and behaviors that make life difficult. Not every therapist understands how to correct these problems.  It Ends With You contains the information and exercises you need. You can use it by yourself, or take it to therapy, and ask your therapist to help you with the exercises. I'm certain you'll find it to be very helpful.  Here's what one of my readers said:

" I am half way through It Ends with You and I love it! It's the first book I have read, and I have read many, that pinpoints mannerisms and behaviors that reflect our childhoods and gives specific feedback on how it could effect us as adults. It has really caused me to think about my own behaviors and where they have originated. Having a father who is manic-depressive, I get scared easily by certain behaviors that I possess that I learned from him...I hope that your book will prevent these behaviors from developing into my own and for me not to seek out boyfriends that reflect my father's erratic moods. I am eager to not only finish this book, but look into some of your other books as well." — Amanda, a reader

You can also read some of the articles on my website.  For you, I'd particularly recommend "Getting Out of Your Own Way" and you'll find several others helpful, also.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm Dating a Dad with kids

Dear Dr. Romance:

I've run across your Happiness Tips and am enjoying reading them.  I'm a divorced woman in my late thirties and I do not have children.  I've accepted the fact that most of the men in my age group will be divorced and most of them will have children on top of that.  I don't mind either.  Matter of fact I'm dating a wonderful man that has full custody of his two children. So to get to the point, I'm looking for some information on how to develop this relationship further. 

We are beyond the beginning stages and have decided to be "exclusive".  I find tons of information for the single Dad, but nothing really for me.  I just need some reassurance that this can work out and things to watch for.  I really don't like being blind sided.  Maybe something to shed some light on what he might be thinking.  I know that I can only know what he is thinking for sure by talking with him, but we don't get tons of alone time.  He's a busy Dad.  I know that we are on opposite sides of an idea sometimes – once he told me that he's spent more time with me than he has anyone else he has dated since his divorce.  I was flattered and pleased, but at the same time – this is the least amount of time I have spent with a boyfriend.  I just feel like I'm in left field once in a while.  Do you have any recommendations of some books or websites?

Dear Reader:

There are a couple of things you need to do here, in addition to establishing your romantic relationship with your man.  If you and your man are going to be exclusive, that means the relationship is getting more serious, and you need to start establishing some relationship infrastructure.

First, you need to make sure his kids are OK with you dating their dad.  If you haven't met them already, I recommend that he introduce you as "a friend" and that you act as friends, nothing more, around them in the beginning, until they have the chance to get to know you.  Many couples create disaster by forcing a new romantic partner on the kids, which sets the situation up for a lot of anger and rebelliousness. 

These kids have lost a mom in some way -- either she died or they went through a divorce -- which is traumatic for the kids.  They aren't going to look kindly on the woman who 'replaces' their mom, unless they feel they had some say in the choice. 

Second, if the relationship goes forward and progresses to living together or spending a lot of time together, you and your man need to talk about parenting issues.  Are you going to have some power to discipline the kids? Will you have a say in how they are raised?  These issues can become very divisive, if they're not worked out beforehand.  This is another good reason to spend time around the kids, to see how the family system works. If the kids already know you and their dad are dating, give them a chance to express how they feel about it.  Get together as a group and do things the kids would like to do as often as possible.

If he has been doing things with his kids without you up to now, this will give you both a lot more insight into how well you get along and work together.   "Dating Guidelines for Single Parents" will help you understand what is involved in being a single parent who dates. "The Challenges of Blended Families" will show you some of the challenges you will face and help you handle them. You can share it with him.  Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship will give you a lot of tools for talking about those issues as your relationship deepens.

Good luck, it sounds as if you're off to a good start.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I was always wrong

Dear Dr. Romance:

THANK YOU so much for this dating tip! My girlfriend sent me your article "You Be The Judge" yesterday. I needed this. I dated this African guy for 4 months, 3 weeks in which we were actually together, and I was always upset and let-downed. Always, his way, his culture. He constantly made me feel I was doing something wrong because I didn't agree or go along with him. He was too prideful and never humbled himself. I was always wrong. It was always my fault I felt miserable.

I stop dating him, then on my birthday a month later, while out with my friends at my birthday party, having a great time, and feeling like a princess, I broke down and called him later that night, after he got off from work. Lord, why in the HECK did I do that?! Expecting things to be different after a month a part. Again, after just two weeks, he let me down, borrowed money from me and I saw him out with another girl, in which I confronted him. To make a long story short, I got my money back and I don't ever, ever plan on going back there again.

You know what bothers me the most, why did I decide to call him back after a month when I was doing so good? I mean, I missed him, but I was getting stronger again. But wait, Why did I initially start to date him, when during our very first conversation, I knew he wasn't the person for me? Why do I give people chances who don't deserve chances? Sometimes I feel like a weak, pathetic loser.

I went to feeling like a princess on my birthday to crap the days after. My birthday is suppose to be a milestone. I'm hurt because I can't make "right" decisions for my life. When it comes to men, I'm still dealing with crap I was dealing with 10 years ago. I feel like I haven't grown. I want to grow, I start off healing myself, then I relapsed -- like an alcoholic.

I am going to order your book, It Ends With You   but I must say, I have many, many self-help books in my library. Again your advice, was great! One thing I've realized, I wasn't in love with this guy, I was in love with the illusion of being in love -- if you can understand that. The fantasy, as you put it.

Dear Reader:

I'm so glad the article was helpful. I know you'll benefit from It Ends With You. The reason you're stuck in a repeated pattern is that you learned it early, and you have to understand how to go back there in your mind and change your beliefs about men. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you do that. "Patterns of Change" will also help. Best of luck to you.

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on To Help An Addicted Friend

 Dr. Romance writes:

I’ve been talking with clients a lot recently about what to do if someone you love or care for is self-destructing through addiction, or is making it difficult to be a friend because they’re out of control. We all have had some dramatic examples on television and in the news recently which illustrate how crazy addiction can look. Of course, addiction is devastating to a friendship. Frequently, people who are caught in an addiction or compulsion overstress their friends and family, sometimes to a point of dragging them down, too.

Most addiction involves spending money: for drugs, alcohol, or uncontrolled overspending (shopping, gambling, speculative investing, etc.) legal fees from DUIs, lost jobs and income, hospital costs, and myriad other gratuitous costs, so an addict may borrow or cost you money and not pay it back. It also involves betrayal, because addiction is usually a clandestine thing -- the addict knows there's some kind of a problem, even if he or she is not admitting to addiction, and often uses friends to hide the problem.

When a friend learns he or she has been used, the most devastating part is the sense of betrayal. Friendships do survive if the addicted person gets treatment and becomes clean and sober, but it's not easy. While a your friend is out of control, they are not available to be a good friend, so you may need to keep your distance.

To help a friend with a substance abuse problem:

1. Get informed about options. Before attempting to help, make sure you know what the options are for your friend. Al-anon (http://www.al-anon.org/ or 1-888-4Al-anon) is an organization for the friends, spouses and family members of alcoholics, and the other twelve step groups have helpful information about various addictions. To educate yourself and get info for your friend, you can go to the www.AA.org website for helpful information and articles on addiction.

2. Find expert help. An addict or alcoholic has impaired impulse control, so just telling him or her to change won't work. Expert help is needed. You need resources so you can offer him a program, rehab, or suggest therapy. You can find options at http://www.soberrecovery.com/ which has a directory where you can seek services in your area. You and your friends may also decide you need to have an Intervention, which means gettting together in a formal way to confront the person with the problem, and pressure that person to get help. Interventions are most successful when in Interventionist (a therapist who specialized in them) is consulted beforehand.

3. Gather a support system: Find some friends or family members you can trust to be helpful (or who are in recovery themselves), and talk to them to find out what they know about the situation, and if they’d be willing to help. If you’re not sure about the extent of the substance abuse problem, they may be able to confirm your fears, or set them at rest. If you find that your fears are confirmed, make it clear to everyone that your friend has a real problem. Make a plan for what each of you are willing to do to help. Someone who is knowledgeable may volunteer to take your friend to a meeting, or support you in confronting your mutual friend.

4. Create a time and place to talk to your friend. Once the first three steps are in place, you need to talk to the friend. If you, a relative, or one of the other friends can get him or her alone, away from work or other friends, do so. This is a very personal issue, and very painful for everyone involved, so it’s important that you make this first step private.

5. Describe the problem and offer help. Once you get your friend alone, tell him or her what you know about the situation.

* Give evidence, times and dates of instances where you felt this friend was in danger or endangering others, or perhaps risking a job or other friendships. (if it’s drunken, out of control or drugged behavior, a video from your cell phone can be very helpful) This may mortify your friend, but it’s important that he or she knows you know.

*Say you care, you’re willing to help if your friend wants help, and what you can do to help. Don’t just refer your friend to the website or phone numbers. Give him or her all the details you can, and be willing to take him or her by the hand to a meeting or session. The alcoholic/addict needs to know you are willing to support getting clean, abstinent, or sober.

*She or he may tell you I'm fine, I don’t need help. or even be angry at you. In that case, don’t get angry or annoyed. Instead, say if he or she ever needs help, you’re available. Remember, your friend is probably feeling hopeless and helpless, and perhaps even worthless. He or she’ll need friends for support every step of the way.

6. Take steps to prevent disaster. If your friend is endangering himself or someone else (driving drunk with friends or family in the car, for example) you may need to get tough, take the keys away, call the police. If your friend is violent, get a restraining order and call 911 if he or she violates it. This is very difficult, but it could be the event that gets your friend help. If this person's behavior is making your life miserable, you may have to drop him or her as a friend. If you find you must let go, please tell your friend why you’re backing away. Sometimes the loss of a friendship can be the impetus to go to AA or treatment.

7. Get support for yourself. There’s only so much you can do for someone who is self-destructive. It can be very upsetting to watch a friend go through this, and to realize you’ve been abandoned in favor of the addiction; so be sure you have a support system in place while you’re dealing with it. You’ll need others to comfort you, to help you remain as objective as possible, and to keep you from being dragged into the downward spiral of addiction and compulsion.

None of this is pleasant, or easy, but if you honestly believe your friend is self-destructive and our of control, it’s the caring thing to do. Remember that addiction is progressive, and the addicted person is not in charge any more, so he or she can't just stop the troubling behavior.

from: The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Does Friends with Benefits Work?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I was browsing the net and came across one of your articles "From Friends to Lovers and Back" which I  found very interesting as it relates to a situation I am facing currently.   

I am a young male and I cannot handle having sex for a while with a person I like without getting attached.  I have been seeing this girl which is  four years older than I am since late last year (but we've known each other for a year in all) and for four months I was gradually getting feelings for the person while now I just found out that she was seeing me just for fun and she did not think anything serious could happen between us.  I found this out when she came back from holidays and I could see she is all of a sudden a changed woman and that she was being sensitive and for the first time she opened up and she asked me whether I can give more to the relationship but by then I had made up my mind to move on since I trusted my instincts that she is not interested in relationship (something she never made clear maybe because it would make her feel shamed to admit it was just for sex?). 

Two months earlier I had asked her how would she feel if she saw me with  someone else and she replied: "I don't want to know if you did; but I know we are not a couple and I am not the relationship type."  Perhaps by this she was trying to hint me that for the time she wanted no strings attached. She said "It's not that I want to see other guys but I want my single life." Whether this is possible I still do not know. When I am single I see more than one girl. She also said before she met me she was seeing this guy for nearly three years on the same basis. Meeting up just on weekends.

I decided to give it another go with her this week as she told me it takes time for her to get involved emotionally.  She said she was hurt in the past and she has an issue trusting men.  Thing is right now I am unsure of whether this can work out for us due to  the attitude we have towards sex.  Like can people who detach sex from commitment be loyal?   

Once I remember telling her that if I feel that I need to see other girls while I am in a  relationship I break it off and move on and she says you cannot just forget about the person as sometimes  sex is just a need. Your take on this situation would be greatly appreciated!

Dear Reader:

Your letter is a perfect example of what happens when you try to go too fast in a relationship.  I think she was just trying to get you to slow down and not ask her for a commitment right away.  This relationship is probably worth spending a little of your time.  Since you're trying it again, why not slow down, and spend more time getting to know each other, and less on having sex.

Even in this modern, fast age, women need to know that the man they care about wants more than sex, that he's reliable and trustworthy.  At the same time, they don't want to be rushed into commitment, especially if they've been hurt before. 

Spend time talking, do things together, go out with friends, and  give each other a chance to see who you both really are.  Passion clouds judgement, and both your instincts are telling you you don't know enough about each other yet.  Trust that instinct, and get to know this girl.  "Stupid Cupid" will help you create a successful relationship, and  "Friends with Benefits" will explain the difference between casual sex and intimacy.

The article you refer to was based on my book, Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today which has exercises and information that will help you learn to develop a real connection.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm married but I love somebody else

Dear Dr. Romance 

I really admire how you advise people, please help me too. I'm married and I love my husband very much, but I love somebody else so much I don't know why although people say you can't love 2 people at the same time but I do. coz I love him very much and am jealous with him. He is a married man also and he loves me too, more than his wife. Please tell me what to do coz am confused.

Dear Reader:

You are playing with disaster here. Yes, you can love two people at the same time, but you don't have to act on it. If he really loved you more than his wife, he'd be yours. He's not, so you have to stop fooling yourself. Break off contact with this man. If you have to see him because of work or because it would make your spouses suspicious, then keep your contact to group settings. No e-mail, no phone calls, no secret, whispered meetings. If you do that, you'll find that your feelings will fade in a few months.

Put your energy where it belongs, into making your marriage the best it can be. Pour all these loving feelings out on your husband, your children, your family. You can learn how in my article "Relating With Love" If you continue with this pseudo relationship, you'll hurt yourself and a lot of other people.  If you can't stop, talk to a professional counselor or your pastor. You need to fix this problem before it becomes a disaster. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will show you how to find low-cost counseling.

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship has information and exercises you can do with your husband to increase your satisfaction in the relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My mother-in- Law wants to be a grandma

Dear Dr. Romance:

I've been having some serious problems with my mother-in-law. I really think that to her, all I am good for is breeding! All my husband and I ever hear from her is, "When are you having kids?" I'm 26 and not ready. I am enjoying working right now, and want my husband and I to be more settled before we start having kids. What should we do?

Dear Reader:

Your mother-in-law, bless her, just wants to be a grandma. She misses having babies to dote over. That means she'll be great for babysitting; but, that's not a good reason for you to get pregnant. The decision is one you and your husband need to make jointly. Are your husband and you on the same page? Is it possible that he's saying to his mother that he wants children and you're dragging your feet? If your mother-in-law knows that you two are in synch about when to have children, she may not stop bugging you completely, but she'll probably do it less. Here's your plan. Have a strategy session with your husband on how to handle Mother.

If you are having a squabble about whether or not to have children, it's probably not as difficult as you think to arrive at a workable solution. To do this, you need to have a listening session. "Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner" will help you talk about sensitive subjects, take the time to talk about the problem in a caring fashion, and make sure you and your partner understand each other when the topic is difficult.

Guidelines for being better understood

1. Seek first to understand. If you are reluctant to disagree, you and your husband may not really understand each other about when you want to have children. If you know your partner's frame of reference, the way he or she understands the problem, or the inner issues your mate has, you can speak to him/her in language that will make sure you are understood. The common reaction to a problem is to insist on explaining your own point of view over and over, to convince your partner your opinion is the right one. Instead of listening to  each other, you wind up talking louder and louder in a futile attempt to be heard until you're yelling. No one is listening. If, instead, you focus on hearing and listening until you understand what your partner is saying, and then you repeat your partner's thoughts in your own words, both of you will relax and the problem will be a lot less scary. So, stop and think whether you want to be right or you want to solve the problem. Trying to be right will not get you where you want to go. 

2. Pay attention to how your words are landing. In the previous step, when you repeat back what your partner said, you're doing active listening: letting your partner know that you heard what was said. The other side of this is what I call "attentive speaking": that is, paying attention to how your partner is reacting to what you're saying. As you're talking, watch your partner's face, eyes, and body language to see how what you're saying is being received. If your companion's response looks off the mark for what you said, (for example, you're trying to be helpful and your sweetheart looks upset or hurt) check out what he/she is hearing. Maybe what you tried to communicate was misheard, misunderstood, or misconstrued. If you stop when you see evidence that you aren't getting through, and ask a question (Do you agree? What do you think?) You'll get a lot farther with your communication.

3. Focus on the solution: Rather than describe, argue or complain about the problem over and over, switch your focus to find a solution that will work for both of you. Only focus on the problem long enough to understand; then move to what will fix it. If this has been a problem for a while, you've probably both describe it to each other many times. It's always easier to repeat your litany of woe and sound like a whiner or a nag, than it is to stop and think about possible solutions. But keep in mind that complaining will cause your partner to stop listening to you. Also, focusing too long on the problem will cause both of you to feel blamed and criticized. Instead, as soon as you understand both sides of the problem (which only takes a few minutes if you're really listening) say, "OK, I get that we have different ideas about when to have kids. What do you think will fix it?"

4. Separate emotion from solution. When discussing an issue as important as when to have a child, it's natural for one or both of you to be emotional. It's common to have hurt feelings, to be afraid the problem can't be solved, to get angry or frustrated. However, when either or both of you is upset, irrational or reactive, you aren't communicating. You cannot think clearly when you are upset and flooded with "fight or flight" hormones. Remember, the minute you get upset, you've lost your ability to find a solution. Take a break and try again in a few minutes, when both of you have calmed down. 

5. Don't beat dead horses. If you've been over the same discussion several times, and you're stuck with no forward movement, try a different approach. If you cannot come up with a different approach on your own, consider getting some help. Don't just keep having dead-end arguments. If you do that, you'll develop a habit pattern that will be difficult to break. If you and your partner cannot find a solution or come to an agreement within a few days, consider going to your clergy person or a professional counselor for help. A trained professional is not emotionally involved in the situation and can be objective, which means he or she can think clearly and help you develop more solutions. An objective third party can work wonders, and the quicker you go, the easier (and cheaper) it will be to reach a solution. 

6. Be nice: Grandma's adage, "You get more flies with honey than with vinegar" is very useful when you want to be heard. If you keep in mind that the person you are talking to is not your enemy, but your life partner, you'll communicate more gently and with more care. Guard against competing or being right. The point of your discussion is to create understanding that goes both ways. When you interact with these guidelines in mind, you'll find out what's really behind your partner's feelings and reactions, and when you know that, it's easier than you think to come up with a plan, and then communicate it to your mother -in-law. 

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship  will give you more help in discussing these issues and standing united in front of family members.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on: Resolving Couple Fights over Finances

Dr. Romance on Resolving Money Fights:

Money talks need to be a part of scheduling weekly meetings - not just for money, but also for catching up with one another.

Bills, social planning, long-term goals and working on your relationship are just some of the issues you'll discuss. Just sitting down once a week to talk about what happened and bringing the checkbook up to date can be a good management tool, a time to talk about long-term plans such as purchasing a house or paying off college debt.

Use the time not only to take stock of your finances, but of your relationship, too. Ask each other what is going well and what needs improvement. If you do it with the right attitude, this weekly meeting will be something that you look forward to, not an ordeal that you dread. As you talk about positive solutions and setting out long-term goals, many financial and other problems will be solved as they arise, and before they become difficult.

If you endeavor to share the time and energy in a mutually beneficial way, it can become a social occasion. Make it a pleasant occasion go out to dinner together or wait until the children are asleep or have a late breakfast on a Saturday morning, and use the following guidelines to help you.

GUIDELINES FOR MONEY DISCUSSIONS

1. Share your different attitudes about money. Talk about how your families dealt with money, and what you liked and didn't like about their style. Share your observations about how various friends handle money, and share what you think. Then make the discussion more personal by talking about how you feel about money, spending, saving, and your future dreams.

2. Discuss long-term joint financial goals (i.e. a new home, baby, etc.). The previous step should lead you naturally into a further discussion of your long-term goals, and into a discussion of specific steps you need to follow to reach them. Steps should include saving and/or raising money to realize your goals, and a plan for how long you think it will take.

3. Put your plan to work. Once you have the steps outlined, break the first couple steps down into small increments and choose steps for which each of you will take the responsibility in the coming week.

4. Establish separate checking accounts or personal spending budgets. As part of your plans, you may want to open separate checking accounts, savings accounts for building your dreams, and agree on budgets for personal spending from your available funds.

5. Discuss how the plan is going on a weekly basis. Keep this discussion going every week, and keep each other informed about how your plans are going. This is a good time to discuss the bills that need to be paid, changes in income or expenses, and what you need to do to accommodate the changes.

6. Keep talking. No matter how well or poorly your finances are going at any given time; keep your financial discussions going. The more frequently you discuss your finances, the less difficult the discussions will be, and the more likely that you'll make good financial choices.

adapted from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com