Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: Will this guy turn out like my wicked stepfather?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have a problem. My mother has introduced me to a male co-worker at her work. We have been friends for a month. My problem is that I am afraid that this relationship may become serious. The gentleman that she introduced me to is real nice, but my stepfather was the same way when he and my mother were seeing each other and now my stepfather is very mean and argues with my mother about anything and everything. I am afraid to take this relationship any further, because I think of all the bad thing that has happened with my family and I just don't want to go through them again. What should I do?

Dear Reader:

Your letter concerns me.  It sounds like you have a serious anxiety problem left over from a difficult past, so I hope you are getting counseling.   You need to know how to handle intimate relationships. I strongly suggest you join ACA (even if there was no alcohol in your family, there was rage and dysfunction) you'll get lots of support and good information there.

You are right not to trust this man too fast, but it's OK to continue dating him, if you like him, and see how things develop. Remember, it's up to you to learn how to set limits, and to say no when someone puts you down or mistreats you. If he tries to control you, or can't take no for an answer, those are warning. signs.  "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship"  will help you understand how to keep yourself safe.

Observe his behavior and the people around him.  How are the other relationships in his life? Do you know some of his friends and family? How well do they all get along? Does anyone else seem scared around him? There are ways to tell what kind of guy he is, if you know the signs. Get some help and some information. If you learn how to trust that you'll take care of yourself, you won't have to be this scared.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  can be used as an adjunct to therapy or on your own to repair damage done by your stepfather.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  has the information you need to make sure your relationship is developing in a healthy way.

 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Love and Chemistry

Dr. Romance writes:

Many of my clients want to know: What is a safe surrender to love? They have been in love before, and have gotten hurt. While we all are aware of the joy and beauty of love, and the profound pleasure of being in love, most of us are also afraid of mistakes, of making a wrong decision.

We know, on an inner level, that living and loving by chemistry alone can be dangerous. Many of us equate good chemistry with true love, and bad chemistry with lack of love, yet we have trouble knowing which is which.

In all my years of counseling, I never found an adult client who didn't recognize chemistry; the feeling of being in love. Chemistry is the rush, the high that we experience when we get together with someone who mysteriously turns us on. Everyone I've talked to seems to know the difference between loving someone, in a familial, friendly, platonic or parental way, and being in love, which implies romantic, sexual, turned on love, sometimes even lust.

Chemistry is usually the first thing that must be present in order for a romantic relationship to exist. No one has the energy for the sometimes difficult journey of love without the excitement of physical response. The question is not whether chemistry exists, but whether it's the kind of chemistry that will produce a healthy relationship. Good chemistry can help your relationship sustain itself through the initial dating phase while you and your partner get to know more about each other. The excitement of it all can help you overcome your ambivalence about introducing your new romance to your friends, and help both of you to open up, to share your inner thoughts and even be more generous with your time and your possessions than you might otherwise be with this new person, who still somewhat of a stranger. Chemistry overpowers the strangeness of being new to each other, and makes you feel close right away. While this is often helpful, it has some pitfalls if you let your chemistry lead you without conscious thought.

Chemistry is powerful, but if you focus too heavily on whether or not you are excited about someone, you may discount the very real possibilities of the kind of love that grows slowly, such as a friendship that eventually becomes a lover relationship.

There are several myths about chemistry that might trip you on your way to a solid, lasting relationship:

* Chemistry Myth #1: Love happens instantly, you must be absolutely sure from the beginning, you’ll know when you find it, and chemistry is all you need.

These ideas are heavily promoted in movies, TV, novels and plays. Such romantic falling in love can be great entertainment, but it usually doesn't work well in real life. You need a lot more than chemistry to create lasting love.

*Chemistry Myth #2: Physical lust is always the same as love.

While love can include physical excitement, at other times purely physical and/or circumstantial attraction can exist that fades rather quickly, and leads nowhere. The more you get to know each other, the less exciting a purely physical attraction is; with love, the better you know each other, the more love grows.

*Chemistry Myth #3: You can't fall in love with someone you are not immediately excited about.

Sometimes love grows slowly, as you get to know someone. Falling in love with the character, lovingness, personality, honor and strength of a person is quite different from falling in love with the outer person: physical appearance, beauty, style and dress.

*Chemistry Myth #4: You can't fall in love with an old friend. Sometimes you get to see an old friend in a new light, and suddenly, chemistry can happen. Suddenly, excitement, physical response and desire can grow where there used to be only friendship.

*Chemistry Myth #5: Relief is the same as love.

When you're very lonely, or hurt, or grieving positive, caring attention from a lover can feel so good, and relieve your internal pressure so much, that you can confuse it with love. Although this kind of support can add to the depth of your love, this kind of neediness alone won't sustain a relationship over the long haul.

*Chemistry Myth #6: If I'm this excited, it must be love, and this person must be good for me.

Be careful when you're turned on. It clouds your thinking. It is possible to get turned on to someone who is not good for you. Every client I've seen who's ever been in a violent, addictive, or destructive relationship tells me they were very excited, there was a lot of chemistry at the beginning. While chemistry is fun, and a powerful motivator, it is not enough to guarantee that the other person will be good for you.

Without judgment, unexamined natural attraction can lead to problems. Chemistry alone does not evaluate whether the attraction is sensible, it simply responds to certain signals. For these reasons, it's necessary to think clearly about your immediate sexual response, to make sure you're choosing partners with whom success is possible, and commitment worthwhile.

from Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I want to get married

Dear Dr. Romance : 

I already know my heart's desire; it reminds me daily. I want to get married. I want a mate. I want children. My problem is, this is not happening now. I have been single for a very, very long time. I don't need to get to "know myself" because I've been alone, what seems like forever, knowing myself. I am self-assured in the person that I am. I am fully acquainted with who I am: A woman in my late thirties who wants a partner to share my life with.

I have been to movies alone, traveled -- nationally internationally -- alone, went out to eat alone, went to bars alone, etc, etc. You can't make people like you. You can't make people accept you. You can't make people want you. So what do you do? Sometimes, many times, you become depressed, bitter, angry -- Why won't this world - for once - release what you want?!

Dear Reader:

I hope you want more than just a mate, and to be married. Many women have gotten themselves in big trouble by just taking the first person who was willing. You may well know yourself, but your description: "A woman in my late thirties who wants a partner to share my life with." doesn't give any information about who you are -- just your desperate-sounding need. I do want you to have your heart's desire, but as long as you focus on it this way, I don't know if you'd see it if you found it.

Yes, you can act in ways that cause people to like you, accept you, and want you. Not all people, but plenty. Demanding what you want like a bitter, spoiled child is not likely to achieve it.  Taking a more honest look at who you are and whether or not you are pushing people away, or walling your self off from them would serve you better. Depressed, bitter and angry are not attractive personality traits -- counting your blessings and being open to even more are a lot more attractive. You're only 37. You have lots of time to make your own dreams come true.  "Anticipating Change"  and "Where is Love?"  will help you understand what you can learn, rather than what won't work. "Dating: The Fine Art of “Squirrel Hunting” gives you a new way to approach dating.

Seek to make friends, because a network of friends will lead you to your love. I wish you all the best, and a happy outcome.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you a lot of  great information to help you do better with your relationship search.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Please help, our family is growing apart

Dear  Dr. Romance:

Q: My father died 1 1/2 years ago. My mom always snaps at me and my older brother and I think she has a serious problem.  I personally think it's a power struggle because she feels like she is loosing control over my brother and I.  But, what she doesn't realize is that we are becoming adults (my brother is already over 18) have to move on with our life and that what has happened can't be changed.  She always thinks we need to talk things over, but she keeps on repeating herself over and over again and that really makes me upset!

My brother is going to university in the spring and my mom just needs to learn how to relax and not get so uptight.  I told her maybe she should have some therapy and she said "do you know how much that costs...$100/h...and do u know how many sessions I'd need?"  She really does need it!

What should I do??  Please help our family is growing apart and things are getting bad.

Dear Reader: It's pretty normal to be upset at your mom when you're a teen, especially when the family is under stress because of the loss of your dad.  I was really angry at mine, too.  I'm sure your Mom is having a tough time raising the two of you, with your dad gone.  Maybe she is the one who needs to talk.  What do you think?

I'll bet therapy would help your mom.  She is probably grieving, and has no time to do it, with all her responsibility.  Please tell her for me (or let her read this) that she can go to The Family Services Assn. Jewish Family Services or Catholic Charities, she doesn't have to be Jewish or Catholic to go, and they have counseling on a sliding scale.  I don't know where you live,  but both of those organizations are in most cities.   If that doesn't work, any church will offer pastoral counseling, and probably some referrals.  Also, you or she  can call the Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) even if no one is suicidal, and they have good, local referrals.  Your school should have a counselor you can see, and get a referral for your Mom and your whole family.

I'm sorry it is so very hard.  Try to give your Mom a break -- it's a tough time for all of you right now, and fighting will just make it worse.  See how helpful you can be, and cut Mom some slack when she gets upset.  Her world was turned upside-down, too.  Check out some of the above references, talk to your school counselor, there is help available for all of you. You're a smart girl, to seek help for yourself and your family.   "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" can help all of you find affordable counseling.  "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" will help you, your brother and your mom understand the grieving you're going through. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help all of you repair and heal your family. Your whole family can benefit from my e-book course: "Grief: What it is, Why we have it, and How to get through it"

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: How do I become a psychotherapist?

Dear Dr. Romance:
Please could you give me some guidance on how to become a psychotherapist. 

My brother,  had a stroke four years ago.  It makes me sick what a stroke can do to someone.  Before  the stroke he was making a six figure salary and spending most of it. He lived in a large house and was a member of a beautiful country club.  He has a wife and two sons.  When he had his stroke, his wife left him.  He had to quit his dream job of working for himself.  They both refuse to get a divorce. She would rather whine and complain and be the "victim". He had to sell his house.

My parents are the primary caretakers of my brother now. My parents live near me.  My brother is in his early forties.  He is paralysed on his left side.  His wife's entire focus now is on her two twin year old boys. She has not helped his healing at all!  She has moved in her parents house, forcing her dad to get remarried and move out.  It makes me sick how this can happen to him, his wife, his children; her family, and me and my family.  I can't fix them; yet this is the reason I am interested and so inclined in becoming a psychiatrist. I would like to specialize in Jungian or Gestalt therapy.

I would like to know if you were advising someone how to become a psychotherapist these days, what type of bachelor degree would you recommend? Thank you for your feedback and guidance.

Dear Reader:

Your brother's situation is truly a tragedy, and I am sorry for everyone involved.  I can hear your distress and grief in your letter, and suggest you (and perhaps most of your family) get some counseling to help you handle the emotional pain of this situation.  I believe every therapist should begin with his or her own personal work, so that would be a good place to start.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  will help you find a counselor.

Before I telll you how to become a psychotherapist, I want to explain some terminology.  A psychiatrist is not a psychotherapist, and does not normally do counseling.  Psychiatrists are medical doctors, with a specialty in psychotropic medicine.  They interview patients to diagnose a problem, and then prescribe medication.

There are several choices if you want to do Gestalt or Jungian therapy.  You could be a psychotherapist (often called a family counselor) a psychologist, or a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW.)  Laws vary by state, but in California, where I am, a psychotherapist must have a master's degree in clinical psychology, which includes certain courses required by the California State Board of Behavioral Science Examiners (BBSE).  Then, you must have 3,000 hours of counseling under the supervision of a licensed person, and sit for a state licensing exam administered by the BBSE.  LCSWs follow a similar process, but their Master's Degree is in Social Work.  Psychologists must have a doctorate, then 3,000 supervised hours and a licensing exam.

Your bachelor's degree can be in either psychology or sociology, but the Master's Degree or Doctoral Degree must conform to your state's licensing body rules. You can get more information from your state's licensing body,  The American Association for Marriage, Family Therapists  or the American Psychological Association about rules in your state. 

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will show you how I use various modalities with clients.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance: It’s a Dirty Job

Dr. Romance writes:

Richard and I have been married since 1982 It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s definitely been worth it. In the first year of our marriage, after a difficult struggle between us, I gave my husband a card. On the front it said, "I love you", many times, and inside it said, "It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it." That phrase has carried us through many difficult times since. We have kept our love alive, and the joy of this relationship carries us through the rest of life.

I read many articles about what happens after the passion dies in long-term relationships, and my clients frequently are worried about the same question. I believe what happens, when all goes well, is that a sense of humor sets in.

The burden of passion can be a heavy one. Having to rev up the energy for a passionate, heavy-breathing session making love after a hard day's work can be an appalling prospect. How much more inviting it is to be able to have a silly giggle session, complete with sexual play, with the dearest person I know. Suddenly, the heaviness and obligation are gone, and if I'm too tired to be passionate and alluring, I always seem to have the energy to mess around .

Arguments are hard to have with a lovable three- year -old, which is what Richard can become at the drop of an accusation. He puts his hands on his hips, sticks out his chin, and (in a perfect imitation of a kid mimicking an angry parent) says, "Who did that?" He then points his finger at whatever offense (a messy table, a forgotten chore, lights left on) I've lost my sense of humor about. Watching him, I can't hang on to my anger. After we laugh, then we can do something constructive about the problem.

Please understand that I'm speaking of humor, not irresponsibility. We are both adults with successful businesses, and we have an equal, relatively balanced relationship. We hashed that out many years ago. We get angry with each other mostly out of irritability, exhaustion and frustration with our heavy schedules - not because either one of us is slacking off. Things don't get done at times because we have hectic lives, and hectic lives benefit greatly from a sense of humor.

I guess it takes a certain amount of self-acceptance to create healthy humor, rather than the hurtful kind; but then again, this loving, shared laughter has also enhanced my degree of self- acceptance. The paradox seems to be that having permission for child-like play also gives permission to be responsible and self-accepting. We don't make nasty jokes about each other and our love, and I don't exactly know how to express the difference. What I do know is we laugh together, and it feels good.

We have been together more than a quarter century. We could still grow apart, but I don't think so. This is my second marriage, and the first long term relationship where I don't feel in danger of being bored. I seem to easily run out of tilings to be passionate about, or dramatic about, but laughter never gets boring. It's also difficult to store up resentments against the person in my life who makes it easiest for me to laugh.

I find myself looking for ways to make Richard laugh; and over the years, I’ve gotten pretty good at it. He knows my laugh buttons better, too. Could he be looking for them? I wouldn't be surprised.

So, rather than treasuring old grudges, old hurts, we treasure old jokes and funny lines. I know I can turn to Richard and say it's a dirty job ... and get an answering smile. I also know he understands when I say that phrase, that I love him, “warts and all" It's a good feeling.

There are times when an overwhelming feeling of warmth and caring flows over me, and many of those times are when I laugh with Richard. Humor seems to be the secret, at least for us, in both keeping our love fresh and alive, and in feeling confident that we will not lose our specialness to each other.

The more we learn about living together, The less we struggle, and the less we struggle, the more we laugh and play. One of things I have learned as a therapist, is that struggle is often used by families to structure time. As a partner in this relationship, I have learned that replacing the drama of struggle with the delight of humor can be a positive addiction; and a powerful solution for what to do with our time together.

The net result of all this is that I have become an advocate of the silly solution , and it is working better than all the seriousness I used to think my relationships required. There is a blessing in the joy of shared laughter.

Here are three ways to help your relationship become a blessing:
1. Have a weekly State of the Union discussion.
This is not an argument or complaint session, it’s an opportunity to update each other on how things are going between you. I recommend it because couples often tend to avoid talking about what’s going on until a problem is created. If you keep each other informed of both the good things and the problems on a regular basis, nothing will get out of hand or become too dramatic to solve easily. This works every time with every couple in counseling with me who are willing to do it.
2. Express Love, Kindness and Sweetness.
The relationships depicted in the media (and probably your own parents’ relationship) do not model kind, loving and considerate behavior very well. Although the press may be bored by politeness, kindness and happiness, those traits will make your partner and your relationship flourish and blossom. Consider kindness to be the lubricant of your communication; and expressing love to be the fertilizer that makes the relationship bloom.
3. Show caring for yourself and your partner.
Guard against sacrificing too much by making sure you care about yourself, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Guard against narcissism and selfishness by caring about your partner in the same four areas. Achieving balance in these areas is the best way to ensure that your relationship will thrive, and no one will carry too much resentment, which is the only emotion that can destroy love.

Adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Do you have information on developing autonomy?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I hope you don't mind me emailing you for advice. I am looking for some books/info on developing autonomy. I have had a lot of problems with this in my childhood, due to family environment/mother etc. I feel I have no sense of personal power and it is badly affecting my life/relationships. I have had therapy in the past, but still have symptoms and feel like I am still underneath a lot of stuff and need to improve upon my own sense of self, which is very fragile. Can you recommend some books for me please?? thank you

Dear Reader:

I wrote  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  just for you and others like you. When you grow up in a dysfunctional family environment, you learn a set of beliefs and behaviors that make life difficult. Not every therapist understands how to correct these problems.  It Ends With You contains the information and exercises you need. You can use it by yourself, or take it to therapy, and ask your therapist to help you with the exercises. I'm certain you'll find it to be very helpful.  Here's what one of my readers said:

" I am half way through It Ends with You and I love it! It's the first book I have read, and I have read many, that pinpoints mannerisms and behaviors that reflect our childhoods and gives specific feedback on how it could effect us as adults. It has really caused me to think about my own behaviors and where they have originated. Having a father who is manic-depressive, I get scared easily by certain behaviors that I possess that I learned from him...I hope that your book will prevent these behaviors from developing into my own and for me not to seek out boyfriends that reflect my father's erratic moods. I am eager to not only finish this book, but look into some of your other books as well." — Amanda, a reader

You can also read some of the articles on my website.  For you, I'd particularly recommend "Getting Out of Your Own Way" and you'll find several others helpful, also.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm Dating a Dad with kids

Dear Dr. Romance:

I've run across your Happiness Tips and am enjoying reading them.  I'm a divorced woman in my late thirties and I do not have children.  I've accepted the fact that most of the men in my age group will be divorced and most of them will have children on top of that.  I don't mind either.  Matter of fact I'm dating a wonderful man that has full custody of his two children. So to get to the point, I'm looking for some information on how to develop this relationship further. 

We are beyond the beginning stages and have decided to be "exclusive".  I find tons of information for the single Dad, but nothing really for me.  I just need some reassurance that this can work out and things to watch for.  I really don't like being blind sided.  Maybe something to shed some light on what he might be thinking.  I know that I can only know what he is thinking for sure by talking with him, but we don't get tons of alone time.  He's a busy Dad.  I know that we are on opposite sides of an idea sometimes – once he told me that he's spent more time with me than he has anyone else he has dated since his divorce.  I was flattered and pleased, but at the same time – this is the least amount of time I have spent with a boyfriend.  I just feel like I'm in left field once in a while.  Do you have any recommendations of some books or websites?

Dear Reader:

There are a couple of things you need to do here, in addition to establishing your romantic relationship with your man.  If you and your man are going to be exclusive, that means the relationship is getting more serious, and you need to start establishing some relationship infrastructure.

First, you need to make sure his kids are OK with you dating their dad.  If you haven't met them already, I recommend that he introduce you as "a friend" and that you act as friends, nothing more, around them in the beginning, until they have the chance to get to know you.  Many couples create disaster by forcing a new romantic partner on the kids, which sets the situation up for a lot of anger and rebelliousness. 

These kids have lost a mom in some way -- either she died or they went through a divorce -- which is traumatic for the kids.  They aren't going to look kindly on the woman who 'replaces' their mom, unless they feel they had some say in the choice. 

Second, if the relationship goes forward and progresses to living together or spending a lot of time together, you and your man need to talk about parenting issues.  Are you going to have some power to discipline the kids? Will you have a say in how they are raised?  These issues can become very divisive, if they're not worked out beforehand.  This is another good reason to spend time around the kids, to see how the family system works. If the kids already know you and their dad are dating, give them a chance to express how they feel about it.  Get together as a group and do things the kids would like to do as often as possible.

If he has been doing things with his kids without you up to now, this will give you both a lot more insight into how well you get along and work together.   "Dating Guidelines for Single Parents" will help you understand what is involved in being a single parent who dates. "The Challenges of Blended Families" will show you some of the challenges you will face and help you handle them. You can share it with him.  Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship will give you a lot of tools for talking about those issues as your relationship deepens.

Good luck, it sounds as if you're off to a good start.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I was always wrong

Dear Dr. Romance:

THANK YOU so much for this dating tip! My girlfriend sent me your article "You Be The Judge" yesterday. I needed this. I dated this African guy for 4 months, 3 weeks in which we were actually together, and I was always upset and let-downed. Always, his way, his culture. He constantly made me feel I was doing something wrong because I didn't agree or go along with him. He was too prideful and never humbled himself. I was always wrong. It was always my fault I felt miserable.

I stop dating him, then on my birthday a month later, while out with my friends at my birthday party, having a great time, and feeling like a princess, I broke down and called him later that night, after he got off from work. Lord, why in the HECK did I do that?! Expecting things to be different after a month a part. Again, after just two weeks, he let me down, borrowed money from me and I saw him out with another girl, in which I confronted him. To make a long story short, I got my money back and I don't ever, ever plan on going back there again.

You know what bothers me the most, why did I decide to call him back after a month when I was doing so good? I mean, I missed him, but I was getting stronger again. But wait, Why did I initially start to date him, when during our very first conversation, I knew he wasn't the person for me? Why do I give people chances who don't deserve chances? Sometimes I feel like a weak, pathetic loser.

I went to feeling like a princess on my birthday to crap the days after. My birthday is suppose to be a milestone. I'm hurt because I can't make "right" decisions for my life. When it comes to men, I'm still dealing with crap I was dealing with 10 years ago. I feel like I haven't grown. I want to grow, I start off healing myself, then I relapsed -- like an alcoholic.

I am going to order your book, It Ends With You   but I must say, I have many, many self-help books in my library. Again your advice, was great! One thing I've realized, I wasn't in love with this guy, I was in love with the illusion of being in love -- if you can understand that. The fantasy, as you put it.

Dear Reader:

I'm so glad the article was helpful. I know you'll benefit from It Ends With You. The reason you're stuck in a repeated pattern is that you learned it early, and you have to understand how to go back there in your mind and change your beliefs about men. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you do that. "Patterns of Change" will also help. Best of luck to you.

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on To Help An Addicted Friend

 Dr. Romance writes:

I’ve been talking with clients a lot recently about what to do if someone you love or care for is self-destructing through addiction, or is making it difficult to be a friend because they’re out of control. We all have had some dramatic examples on television and in the news recently which illustrate how crazy addiction can look. Of course, addiction is devastating to a friendship. Frequently, people who are caught in an addiction or compulsion overstress their friends and family, sometimes to a point of dragging them down, too.

Most addiction involves spending money: for drugs, alcohol, or uncontrolled overspending (shopping, gambling, speculative investing, etc.) legal fees from DUIs, lost jobs and income, hospital costs, and myriad other gratuitous costs, so an addict may borrow or cost you money and not pay it back. It also involves betrayal, because addiction is usually a clandestine thing -- the addict knows there's some kind of a problem, even if he or she is not admitting to addiction, and often uses friends to hide the problem.

When a friend learns he or she has been used, the most devastating part is the sense of betrayal. Friendships do survive if the addicted person gets treatment and becomes clean and sober, but it's not easy. While a your friend is out of control, they are not available to be a good friend, so you may need to keep your distance.

To help a friend with a substance abuse problem:

1. Get informed about options. Before attempting to help, make sure you know what the options are for your friend. Al-anon (http://www.al-anon.org/ or 1-888-4Al-anon) is an organization for the friends, spouses and family members of alcoholics, and the other twelve step groups have helpful information about various addictions. To educate yourself and get info for your friend, you can go to the www.AA.org website for helpful information and articles on addiction.

2. Find expert help. An addict or alcoholic has impaired impulse control, so just telling him or her to change won't work. Expert help is needed. You need resources so you can offer him a program, rehab, or suggest therapy. You can find options at http://www.soberrecovery.com/ which has a directory where you can seek services in your area. You and your friends may also decide you need to have an Intervention, which means gettting together in a formal way to confront the person with the problem, and pressure that person to get help. Interventions are most successful when in Interventionist (a therapist who specialized in them) is consulted beforehand.

3. Gather a support system: Find some friends or family members you can trust to be helpful (or who are in recovery themselves), and talk to them to find out what they know about the situation, and if they’d be willing to help. If you’re not sure about the extent of the substance abuse problem, they may be able to confirm your fears, or set them at rest. If you find that your fears are confirmed, make it clear to everyone that your friend has a real problem. Make a plan for what each of you are willing to do to help. Someone who is knowledgeable may volunteer to take your friend to a meeting, or support you in confronting your mutual friend.

4. Create a time and place to talk to your friend. Once the first three steps are in place, you need to talk to the friend. If you, a relative, or one of the other friends can get him or her alone, away from work or other friends, do so. This is a very personal issue, and very painful for everyone involved, so it’s important that you make this first step private.

5. Describe the problem and offer help. Once you get your friend alone, tell him or her what you know about the situation.

* Give evidence, times and dates of instances where you felt this friend was in danger or endangering others, or perhaps risking a job or other friendships. (if it’s drunken, out of control or drugged behavior, a video from your cell phone can be very helpful) This may mortify your friend, but it’s important that he or she knows you know.

*Say you care, you’re willing to help if your friend wants help, and what you can do to help. Don’t just refer your friend to the website or phone numbers. Give him or her all the details you can, and be willing to take him or her by the hand to a meeting or session. The alcoholic/addict needs to know you are willing to support getting clean, abstinent, or sober.

*She or he may tell you I'm fine, I don’t need help. or even be angry at you. In that case, don’t get angry or annoyed. Instead, say if he or she ever needs help, you’re available. Remember, your friend is probably feeling hopeless and helpless, and perhaps even worthless. He or she’ll need friends for support every step of the way.

6. Take steps to prevent disaster. If your friend is endangering himself or someone else (driving drunk with friends or family in the car, for example) you may need to get tough, take the keys away, call the police. If your friend is violent, get a restraining order and call 911 if he or she violates it. This is very difficult, but it could be the event that gets your friend help. If this person's behavior is making your life miserable, you may have to drop him or her as a friend. If you find you must let go, please tell your friend why you’re backing away. Sometimes the loss of a friendship can be the impetus to go to AA or treatment.

7. Get support for yourself. There’s only so much you can do for someone who is self-destructive. It can be very upsetting to watch a friend go through this, and to realize you’ve been abandoned in favor of the addiction; so be sure you have a support system in place while you’re dealing with it. You’ll need others to comfort you, to help you remain as objective as possible, and to keep you from being dragged into the downward spiral of addiction and compulsion.

None of this is pleasant, or easy, but if you honestly believe your friend is self-destructive and our of control, it’s the caring thing to do. Remember that addiction is progressive, and the addicted person is not in charge any more, so he or she can't just stop the troubling behavior.

from: The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Does Friends with Benefits Work?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I was browsing the net and came across one of your articles "From Friends to Lovers and Back" which I  found very interesting as it relates to a situation I am facing currently.   

I am a young male and I cannot handle having sex for a while with a person I like without getting attached.  I have been seeing this girl which is  four years older than I am since late last year (but we've known each other for a year in all) and for four months I was gradually getting feelings for the person while now I just found out that she was seeing me just for fun and she did not think anything serious could happen between us.  I found this out when she came back from holidays and I could see she is all of a sudden a changed woman and that she was being sensitive and for the first time she opened up and she asked me whether I can give more to the relationship but by then I had made up my mind to move on since I trusted my instincts that she is not interested in relationship (something she never made clear maybe because it would make her feel shamed to admit it was just for sex?). 

Two months earlier I had asked her how would she feel if she saw me with  someone else and she replied: "I don't want to know if you did; but I know we are not a couple and I am not the relationship type."  Perhaps by this she was trying to hint me that for the time she wanted no strings attached. She said "It's not that I want to see other guys but I want my single life." Whether this is possible I still do not know. When I am single I see more than one girl. She also said before she met me she was seeing this guy for nearly three years on the same basis. Meeting up just on weekends.

I decided to give it another go with her this week as she told me it takes time for her to get involved emotionally.  She said she was hurt in the past and she has an issue trusting men.  Thing is right now I am unsure of whether this can work out for us due to  the attitude we have towards sex.  Like can people who detach sex from commitment be loyal?   

Once I remember telling her that if I feel that I need to see other girls while I am in a  relationship I break it off and move on and she says you cannot just forget about the person as sometimes  sex is just a need. Your take on this situation would be greatly appreciated!

Dear Reader:

Your letter is a perfect example of what happens when you try to go too fast in a relationship.  I think she was just trying to get you to slow down and not ask her for a commitment right away.  This relationship is probably worth spending a little of your time.  Since you're trying it again, why not slow down, and spend more time getting to know each other, and less on having sex.

Even in this modern, fast age, women need to know that the man they care about wants more than sex, that he's reliable and trustworthy.  At the same time, they don't want to be rushed into commitment, especially if they've been hurt before. 

Spend time talking, do things together, go out with friends, and  give each other a chance to see who you both really are.  Passion clouds judgement, and both your instincts are telling you you don't know enough about each other yet.  Trust that instinct, and get to know this girl.  "Stupid Cupid" will help you create a successful relationship, and  "Friends with Benefits" will explain the difference between casual sex and intimacy.

The article you refer to was based on my book, Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today which has exercises and information that will help you learn to develop a real connection.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm married but I love somebody else

Dear Dr. Romance 

I really admire how you advise people, please help me too. I'm married and I love my husband very much, but I love somebody else so much I don't know why although people say you can't love 2 people at the same time but I do. coz I love him very much and am jealous with him. He is a married man also and he loves me too, more than his wife. Please tell me what to do coz am confused.

Dear Reader:

You are playing with disaster here. Yes, you can love two people at the same time, but you don't have to act on it. If he really loved you more than his wife, he'd be yours. He's not, so you have to stop fooling yourself. Break off contact with this man. If you have to see him because of work or because it would make your spouses suspicious, then keep your contact to group settings. No e-mail, no phone calls, no secret, whispered meetings. If you do that, you'll find that your feelings will fade in a few months.

Put your energy where it belongs, into making your marriage the best it can be. Pour all these loving feelings out on your husband, your children, your family. You can learn how in my article "Relating With Love" If you continue with this pseudo relationship, you'll hurt yourself and a lot of other people.  If you can't stop, talk to a professional counselor or your pastor. You need to fix this problem before it becomes a disaster. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will show you how to find low-cost counseling.

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship has information and exercises you can do with your husband to increase your satisfaction in the relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My mother-in- Law wants to be a grandma

Dear Dr. Romance:

I've been having some serious problems with my mother-in-law. I really think that to her, all I am good for is breeding! All my husband and I ever hear from her is, "When are you having kids?" I'm 26 and not ready. I am enjoying working right now, and want my husband and I to be more settled before we start having kids. What should we do?

Dear Reader:

Your mother-in-law, bless her, just wants to be a grandma. She misses having babies to dote over. That means she'll be great for babysitting; but, that's not a good reason for you to get pregnant. The decision is one you and your husband need to make jointly. Are your husband and you on the same page? Is it possible that he's saying to his mother that he wants children and you're dragging your feet? If your mother-in-law knows that you two are in synch about when to have children, she may not stop bugging you completely, but she'll probably do it less. Here's your plan. Have a strategy session with your husband on how to handle Mother.

If you are having a squabble about whether or not to have children, it's probably not as difficult as you think to arrive at a workable solution. To do this, you need to have a listening session. "Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner" will help you talk about sensitive subjects, take the time to talk about the problem in a caring fashion, and make sure you and your partner understand each other when the topic is difficult.

Guidelines for being better understood

1. Seek first to understand. If you are reluctant to disagree, you and your husband may not really understand each other about when you want to have children. If you know your partner's frame of reference, the way he or she understands the problem, or the inner issues your mate has, you can speak to him/her in language that will make sure you are understood. The common reaction to a problem is to insist on explaining your own point of view over and over, to convince your partner your opinion is the right one. Instead of listening to  each other, you wind up talking louder and louder in a futile attempt to be heard until you're yelling. No one is listening. If, instead, you focus on hearing and listening until you understand what your partner is saying, and then you repeat your partner's thoughts in your own words, both of you will relax and the problem will be a lot less scary. So, stop and think whether you want to be right or you want to solve the problem. Trying to be right will not get you where you want to go. 

2. Pay attention to how your words are landing. In the previous step, when you repeat back what your partner said, you're doing active listening: letting your partner know that you heard what was said. The other side of this is what I call "attentive speaking": that is, paying attention to how your partner is reacting to what you're saying. As you're talking, watch your partner's face, eyes, and body language to see how what you're saying is being received. If your companion's response looks off the mark for what you said, (for example, you're trying to be helpful and your sweetheart looks upset or hurt) check out what he/she is hearing. Maybe what you tried to communicate was misheard, misunderstood, or misconstrued. If you stop when you see evidence that you aren't getting through, and ask a question (Do you agree? What do you think?) You'll get a lot farther with your communication.

3. Focus on the solution: Rather than describe, argue or complain about the problem over and over, switch your focus to find a solution that will work for both of you. Only focus on the problem long enough to understand; then move to what will fix it. If this has been a problem for a while, you've probably both describe it to each other many times. It's always easier to repeat your litany of woe and sound like a whiner or a nag, than it is to stop and think about possible solutions. But keep in mind that complaining will cause your partner to stop listening to you. Also, focusing too long on the problem will cause both of you to feel blamed and criticized. Instead, as soon as you understand both sides of the problem (which only takes a few minutes if you're really listening) say, "OK, I get that we have different ideas about when to have kids. What do you think will fix it?"

4. Separate emotion from solution. When discussing an issue as important as when to have a child, it's natural for one or both of you to be emotional. It's common to have hurt feelings, to be afraid the problem can't be solved, to get angry or frustrated. However, when either or both of you is upset, irrational or reactive, you aren't communicating. You cannot think clearly when you are upset and flooded with "fight or flight" hormones. Remember, the minute you get upset, you've lost your ability to find a solution. Take a break and try again in a few minutes, when both of you have calmed down. 

5. Don't beat dead horses. If you've been over the same discussion several times, and you're stuck with no forward movement, try a different approach. If you cannot come up with a different approach on your own, consider getting some help. Don't just keep having dead-end arguments. If you do that, you'll develop a habit pattern that will be difficult to break. If you and your partner cannot find a solution or come to an agreement within a few days, consider going to your clergy person or a professional counselor for help. A trained professional is not emotionally involved in the situation and can be objective, which means he or she can think clearly and help you develop more solutions. An objective third party can work wonders, and the quicker you go, the easier (and cheaper) it will be to reach a solution. 

6. Be nice: Grandma's adage, "You get more flies with honey than with vinegar" is very useful when you want to be heard. If you keep in mind that the person you are talking to is not your enemy, but your life partner, you'll communicate more gently and with more care. Guard against competing or being right. The point of your discussion is to create understanding that goes both ways. When you interact with these guidelines in mind, you'll find out what's really behind your partner's feelings and reactions, and when you know that, it's easier than you think to come up with a plan, and then communicate it to your mother -in-law. 

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship  will give you more help in discussing these issues and standing united in front of family members.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on: Resolving Couple Fights over Finances

Dr. Romance on Resolving Money Fights:

Money talks need to be a part of scheduling weekly meetings - not just for money, but also for catching up with one another.

Bills, social planning, long-term goals and working on your relationship are just some of the issues you'll discuss. Just sitting down once a week to talk about what happened and bringing the checkbook up to date can be a good management tool, a time to talk about long-term plans such as purchasing a house or paying off college debt.

Use the time not only to take stock of your finances, but of your relationship, too. Ask each other what is going well and what needs improvement. If you do it with the right attitude, this weekly meeting will be something that you look forward to, not an ordeal that you dread. As you talk about positive solutions and setting out long-term goals, many financial and other problems will be solved as they arise, and before they become difficult.

If you endeavor to share the time and energy in a mutually beneficial way, it can become a social occasion. Make it a pleasant occasion go out to dinner together or wait until the children are asleep or have a late breakfast on a Saturday morning, and use the following guidelines to help you.

GUIDELINES FOR MONEY DISCUSSIONS

1. Share your different attitudes about money. Talk about how your families dealt with money, and what you liked and didn't like about their style. Share your observations about how various friends handle money, and share what you think. Then make the discussion more personal by talking about how you feel about money, spending, saving, and your future dreams.

2. Discuss long-term joint financial goals (i.e. a new home, baby, etc.). The previous step should lead you naturally into a further discussion of your long-term goals, and into a discussion of specific steps you need to follow to reach them. Steps should include saving and/or raising money to realize your goals, and a plan for how long you think it will take.

3. Put your plan to work. Once you have the steps outlined, break the first couple steps down into small increments and choose steps for which each of you will take the responsibility in the coming week.

4. Establish separate checking accounts or personal spending budgets. As part of your plans, you may want to open separate checking accounts, savings accounts for building your dreams, and agree on budgets for personal spending from your available funds.

5. Discuss how the plan is going on a weekly basis. Keep this discussion going every week, and keep each other informed about how your plans are going. This is a good time to discuss the bills that need to be paid, changes in income or expenses, and what you need to do to accommodate the changes.

6. Keep talking. No matter how well or poorly your finances are going at any given time; keep your financial discussions going. The more frequently you discuss your finances, the less difficult the discussions will be, and the more likely that you'll make good financial choices.

adapted from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am not sexually as attracted to him as I'd like to be

Dear Dr. Romance:

I was hoping for a little advice on my relationship now that is truly wonderful and appears to be the best relationship of my life. Things are souring from my end, which I could not understand why, until this morning when it dawned on me. I have never been as happy as I am now in a relationship, but there is a major road block that has appeared (actually, I denied it ever really being there), and now I would like to know if it's truly fixable or if I am going to run into a dead-end wall eventually because of the resentment that it is capable of producing.

What is this undeniable truth...? I am not sexually as attracted to him as I'd like to be. His attraction to me is incredible and helps keep our sex life nice, but I'm slowly seeing that from the very first day, his technique, coupled with his chronic un-fresh breath, slight hygiene issues below (he's not circumcised), and larger than I'm used to "member", have me completely uninterested in sex. Now, I have raised the hygiene issue, so we're good there, and his breath is caused by his acid reflux, so we're monitoring that, and I keep extra lubrication handy for the "size" issue, but the overall technique is something I cannot figure out how to fix without hurting him. It's bad enough that I show disinterest and have raised the hygiene issues, but I still cannot seem to find a route to changing my mind about the chemistry. (I'm just not getting aroused!)

He's entirely my "type", tall and handsome and we get along like two peas in a pod, but why am I not feeling it in the bedroom? I'm attracted to him, but just don't want sex. My answer for this, thus far, was that I had been extremely sick a few weeks ago with a strange virus, and that I'd lost my libido suddenly. But this initial diagnosis has lost its validity. (I even tested my estrogen level to see if it is actually physical!) I know now what the problem is, and I really need help in figuring things out. I have never in my entire sexual life had this issue. I'm 30, and up until now, my libido has done nothing but GROW with time. ;-)

This is a "fresh" relationship of 2 months, he's 25 and I'm 30, we have great communication between us, he's open-minded, as I am, and we both have normal lives with the normal pressures that go with it, so no other explanations really remain as to why this is happening with me. I might be slightly depressed and stressed, but I have been all year and have never had issues with sex. I just don't want to regret losing a relationship that may have a chance to turn into something truly amazing, but I also do not want to build hope where there's no real room for it to thrive in.  I hope to hear from you soon. 

Dear Reader

You don't say if you ever had a strong sexual response to this man. If you once did, then the things you mention have turned you off, but you can get it back again. It's always disappointing when the "new romance" wears off, and it always does sooner or later. But, long-term relationship sex is a skill that must be learned if the relationship is to survive. It just doesn't happen as naturally as the new relationship sex. 

It sounds like you're doing the right things, taking care of hygiene and bad breath. If you've been able to get past those two toughies without upsetting him too much, then you're handling it well.

As to problems with technique, it's a teaching situation. You need to practice saying "Would you touch me here?" "I'd love it if you did this to me" etc. It sounds like he loves you enough that he'd be open to you telling him what you like, as long as you don't criticize what he's already doing. Think about what works for you, and then ask him for it. Look for alternative ways of doing whatever he's doing that you don't like. Present it as a new adventure, a new idea, instead of leading with your frustration. Then focus on how loving it is for him to do what you want, even if he didn't know instinctively. Sex is not the biggest part of a relationship, unless it doesn't work. Then it becomes the most important thing. If you can focus on what you do enjoy in bed with him, and keep teaching him to do what works for you, you'll get to a place where you do respond to him. It's going to take some patience on your part, but it sounds like he's worth it. "Asking for What You Want"  and "Relating With Love" will help you move your relationship to the next stage.

 Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship  has a lot of helpful  information and guidelines about talking about sex.  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I can't decide if she's as in to me as I am her

Dear Dr. Romance:

My situation is different that some. See I have only been in 2 relationships, but they were really long term. My first I was 16 till I was 21. Second from 22 till  26 years old. Both of those relationships were an on off kind of relationship. So in between the on and off, let's say I was a bit promiscuous. I never had a problem getting a girl, but I never really liked a girl, I thought they were cute, and just wanted to have sex. So that's a basic sum of my past, thought it might help.

The situation now is, my friend always tries to hook me up with his friends, and they always end up being crazy or not even half as pretty as he says. He tried to match me up with his friend.  When I met her, I was blown away. Beautiful, smart, outgoing, fun;  just amazing. I started talking to her, and got her phone number and ended up taking her out to dinner. Before I took her out to dinner we had a few accidental meetings at a bar, or club and just had a blast! Well our dinner went really well, and after dinner we went and met with some friends for drinks. Had a really good time. Her friend who we met up with was severely drunk and couldn't drive, so we ended up taking her home. Jen suggested we go in this girls apartment and hang out. So we did, had a couple drinks, hung out, and had fun. We both ended up passing out together, but nothing happened. So that's the history with the girl. Well a couple days later I'm out, and decide to go to this after hours club.

Soon as I walk in, she's there and runs up to me says hi, and says "is it weird that I knew you would be here tonight?" I thought that was a good sign personally.

Now I know I sound kind of weird being as I've only had one real date with this girl. But this girl really has me. I just can't decide if she's as in to me as I am her, and don't know what action to take. I don't want to sound like weirdo to her and tell her how I feel, cause it is really soon. She gives me mixed signals, cause I am usually the one initiating a text or a phone call. I don't know how often I should call, or text. I have never been in a predicament like this. Any help would be great.

Dear Reader:

This is a good sign. You need to focus on developing a connection with this girl. Don't make any big declarations, just spend some time with her until you get to see how things are. Try to calm down about sex a bit. "Better Intimacy, Better Sex" will help you understand why.   You'll find it's important, but not the most important thing about a relationship. Communicate how you feel to this girl by spending time with her; not so much with words right now. You have a lot to learn about relationship, and she probably does, too. Relax and enjoy your time together, and don't worry so much about where it's going. If you just let it happen, you'll find out what kind of relationship it is going to be. "Ten Reasons for not Falling in Love" will help you understand where reluctance to love can come from. "The Right Way to Love"  will show you what works.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today contains exercises and information that will help you get to know each other better.  Good luck with it.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am considering being a licensed psychotherapist

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am considering being a licensed psychotherapist. What was your education track if I may ask?

Dear Reader:

Of course you may ask. I was licensed in 1978, so things were quite different then. I took an independent study curriculum to get my Masters in Counseling Psychology at Lindenwood  Colleges, and I used the California BBSE guidelines to set  up my courses. That way, I knew my Masters Degree would be acceptable to  them. I also needed 3,000 hours of counseling under supervision.  Those guidelines also vary.  I suggest you contact the licensing board in your state and get the current guidelines for your state. You  can also get help from the American Psychology Assn. and any good school  that trains psychologists will know what the guidelines are.  "Ten Things People Don't Know about Therapy" will help you understand how I view therapy.

Guidelines for becoming licensed vary from state to state.  Each state that licenses therapists has a governing board that sets the criteria.  In California, where I practice, the board is the California State Board of Behavioral Sciences    https://www.bbs.ca.gov

Then, of course, you have to get supervised hours. In my day, it was 3,000  unpaid hours, but these days, in California,  you can be paid while you get your hours under supervision.

If you would like a good example of how I work with clients It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will tell you a lot about how I do therapy.

Good luck with your career.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Friends in Need: Interventions for Domestic Violence

Last month, Dr. Romance received the following letter from a reader:

“A topic I would like you to cover/explore is that curious phenomenon which permits otherwise independent women to be dominated...even abused...by males with whom they share some sort or relationship. Why is it that a seemingly strong, intelligent woman would allow herself to be hurt...her life to be altered in a negative way by some guy with whom she has some sort of relationship?  I currently know a couple such women and feel completely helpless with regard to alleviating their problem (which they apparently fail to see).

“I realize we/you could attack this from the other angle: Why would a man want to completely dominate a female to the point where she fails to exist as an individual?  But, for now...help me understand this from the female perspective.”

I’d be happy to, and I hope the following information answers your questions.

Of course, every person involved in violent situations has his or her own reason for living that way. Usually, women who remain in abusive or violent situations are more afraid of being alone than of being with the abusive husband. She may also be afraid of what he’ll do if she leaves. She’s usually financially dependent on him. If the couple has children, the woman feels even more invested and trapped – she believes she’s protecting the children.  The more time passes, the weaker, more dependent and “stuck” she becomes.

Abusive men are narcissistic – they have “Jekyll and Hyde” personalities, which means that they can be very charming when they’re not being abusive. Women who stay in abusive situations focus on this charm, and deny the abuse. They also have experience of their husbands smoothly talking their way out of any responsibility for misbehavior, for example if she once called 911 and he got the police to believe nothing was wrong.

In this situation, the woman feels hopeless and helpless, that no one will believe her or help her get out. She’s also ashamed, and doesn’t want people to know her misery. Various women have combinations of all or some of these reasons for staying.

The question here that concerns most of us would be: “What can I do to help?”

Here are some steps you can take when you believe a friend or family member is in this situation.

1. Get informed about options. Before attempting to help, make sure you know what the options are for the woman and her children. Obtain a domestic violence hotline number, (National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) the Child Abuse Hotline or call 1-800- 4 A Child and ask for numbers for local women’s shelters. Call the numbers, explain that you want to help a female friend, and find out what information these organizations need to help your friend or family member. Make a list of the information she’ll need to provide.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline Website has a lot of very helpful information . But, don’t just refer your friend to the website or phone numbers. Give her all the details you can. Remember, she’s probably feeling hopeless and helpless, and perhaps even worthless. She’ll need friends to support and guide her every step of the way.

2. A violent spouse has impaired impulse control, and can go off violently at any time. It’s vital that no one talk to the husband, because if he’s angered, he may take it out on his family. Understand that, if he’s truly violent, it won’t work to talk to him. His wife and children must be safe before anyone approaches him. Once the family is safe, you can offer him anger management classes, or suggest therapy. Don’t be surprised if he blames his wife for his anger. Understand that, if you get child protective services involved, and the wife won’t stay away from her husband, the children may be taken into protective custody. Also if the wife goes into a women’s shelter, with her children, she will lose her job, if she has one, and she can’t contact her relatives from the shelter. Shelters stress that women cannot go anywhere their husbands would look for them, or they could lead a violent man to the shelter, and endanger everyone there.

3. Find a couple of friends or family members you can trust not to tell the husband what you know, and talk to them to find out what they know about the situation, and if they’d be willing to help. If you’re not sure about the abuse or violence, they may be able to confirm your fears, or set them at rest. If you find that your fears are confirmed, make it clear to everyone that your friend is in real danger. Make a plan for what each of you is willing to do to help. Perhaps a family member can take her and the children in, and keep her surrounded and safe from her husband if he goes into a rage. Perhaps you can get her connected to a women’s shelter. Perhaps you can help her get a Restraining Order or a Protection from Violence Order against her husband. Some of you may know enough facts to witness on her behalf. You may be able to help her see the websites on a computer her husband won’t be able to access.

4. Once the first three steps are in place, you need to talk to the woman who’s in danger. If you, a relative, or one of the other friends can get her alone, away from her husband, do so. Don’t leave telltale phone messages or e-mails, because women in these situations are often closely monitored by their husbands. Find a way to meet with her alone.

5. Once you get her alone, tell her what you know about her situation. This may mortify her, but it’s important that she knows you know. Tell her you care about her, you’re willing to help her if she wants help, and what you can do for her. She needs to know she has support and protection, because getting away from this man is very frightening for her. She may tell you she’s fine, she doesn’t need help. She may even be angry at you. In that case, don’t get angry or annoyed. Instead, tell her if she ever needs help, you’re available. You can print  “Family Violence Q&A”  and leave it with her.

6. If your friend has children, you believe the children are in danger, and she won’t do anything, you may have to call the Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) without her permission. This will not be easy, because the family will then be investigated, the children may be taken away, and both parents will be required to take parenting classes, and domestic violence classes to regain custody of the children. Children’s Protective Services will give temporary custody to a safe family member in the meantime, if someone is willing.

None of this is pleasant, or easy, but if you honestly believe the relationship is abusive or violent, it’s the caring thing to do. Remember that domestic abuse or violence situations don’t get better without intervention.  

Adapted from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I have never put up with any crap until this one came along

Dear Dr. Romance

I met a girl about three years ago at work. We both saw a connection, but neither one of us followed up on it. We were both in relationships, she was married. Several months later she told me things weren't good at home and we had started talking. She and I became inseparable. She worked with me all of the time and we spent tons of time together. We did everything like we were a couple, best friends as well as lovers. She said I am the love of her life.

Later, after she filed for her divorce she suddenly started pushing me away. She changed her schedule at work, stopped texting and calling me. We had a date one night and she never showed up. A friend of mine saw her kissing another guy, and it turns out she had been seeing him. Since then, I have tried really hard to make it work and to get her to straighten up. She will do good for a while and then start with small lies and messing with him. She told me that he just said all the right things and probably caught her at a weak moment. I called it bullsh*t.

When he left her, she came back to me saying all the things I had been wanting to hear and treating me the way that I wanted her to all along. But I found out she kept seeing him, and now she is texting the ex husband and talking to him, and making excuses.

So everyday, I deal with her crap, why, I honestly can't tell you. I fight, plead, and just try and make her see what she has and that she is fixing to lose it. She tells me "You're right, I am sorry and I didn't mean and I never will hurt you again." 

Well later in the week she tells me again, "I love you with all my heart, but I am going through life changing events right now and all I can focus on is getting healthy and becoming a better person." She says she doesn't like who she is. I tell her don't call me anymore and that I am tired of riding this merry go round with her.

The TWIST. I have a beautiful woman at home that I have been dating for three and a half years who treats me like a King and I never have to worry about. My girlfriend has this other woman beat hands down, looks, body, the way she treats me, personality, everything, but I can't figure out why I am hung up on this one. My girl would do anything in the world for me and is the sweetest thing in the world and I am trying my best to screw it up. Women have never been a problem for me and I have never put up with any crap from them until this one came along. Please answer the following questions:

Dear Reader:

You think you're in love with this woman, but you're just in a power struggle. You want to win, and make her suffer. That's not going to get you anywhere. Just let go. Here are the answers to your list of questions.

Q: How can I get over her? I am doing pretty good now because I have been fighting it for so long and it was all expected from her.

A: Good. Read your letter over as if someone else wrote it, and try to see it more objectively. You'll see that you've been caught up in a meaningless drama. Stop cheating on and lying to your girlfriend. Have the decency to be ashamed of yourself.  "Letting Go Takes Love" will help you.

Q: What do you think about her and the entire deal. She cheated on her husband with me and cheated on me with another guy, and divorced after 10 months. But she keeps telling me how much she wants me and wants to be with me and loves me.

A: I think she's a mess. She has no idea what she wants, and she's doing a great job of messing up her life and the lives of others. She's poison, stay away from her. Easy sex does not lead to great places.  "You Be the Judge" will show you how to use your judgment and think more clearly.

Q: We work together, so I will have to see her. What should I do?

A: Be strictly business, and act like you don't remember you had a relationship. Let her go.

Q: How can I make her hurt a little and see she lost the best thing she will ever have. These other guys can't come close to me and everyone has told her, but they have also asked me what are you doing, cut her loose. You got a wonderful one at the house plus you could have what you want, why waste time with her. I don't have an answer.

A: Neither do I. Your guys are right. Listen to them. Forget revenge, it won't help anything. "When Letting Go is Necessary" will show you how.

Q: If she moves or when she gets it, do you think she will come back and try to make it right? She expresses to everyone how much I mean to her and everyone can an see how close we are, but if I meant that much she wouldn't keep screwing up and screwing me.

A: Yes. Bad pennies always come back, but they never change. If she comes back, she'll lie to you just as she always has, and you'll go right back through the same scenario.

Q: If I am somewhere and see her with another guy, how do I handle that to burn her the most. I just don't want to be thinking of where did I go wrong since someone else has her. My friends tell me she may appear to be happy, but she is thinking about you all the time and if you walk in somewhere you will have her full attention. They say she will be focused on you and wishing she could be with you and wanting what your girl has. They say she will regret this mistake for the rest of her life.

A: She's not focused on you, she's not focused on him, she's focused on herself. She is incapable of loving anyone, and she has a lot of work to do to get herself straightened out. Think of Anna Nicole Smith, Brittany Spears, all the other starlets who keep messing up. This is the same problem. As long as you want to get even, you’re hooked. Let go.

Q:What do you think will happen next?

A: I hope you'll come to your senses and go back to your girlfriend. I hope you'll get some therapy to sort yourself out. I hope you'll wake up and smell the coffee. Otherwise, I think you'll wind up making your girlfriend hate you, and having no one.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand why you're so hooked on this disaster, and learn to let go.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My son gets angry, throws things

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am writing to you for your professional opinion regarding my 15 year old son. His behavior overall is good but when he gets angry he throws things swears a lot and just a few minutes ago destroyed my vacuum cleaner in one blow to the floor.

I am a single parent about 9 months out of the year and my son is for the most part a big help to me. I have one daughter also. How can I help him see what he is doing and control his urge to break or throw something when he is upset? He does not do this every time, but it is very upsetting to me and his younger sister when it happens.

I am afraid to tell his father because he is so loud and I don't know for certain that he could contain himself once he started to discipline our son. We live in a small town and our son is an athlete at one of the two high schools. I do not want to hurt his future with everyone knowing this problem, but at the same time I want to help him.

I feel alone in this problem as my parents are in the same town but are 80 years old. I don't want them to know the every little thing that goes wrong. My father has been a very big part of my sons life and filled in the fatherly gaps while my husband is away. What can I do? Am I standing in the way? I have always been a good mom. I have disciplined with compassion, always been there to listen or lend a hand with homework, taken him to practice and games and most importantly made him feel loved. Please Help. Thank you.

Dear Reader:

It's so difficult to be both mother and father to your son, I know. I'm guessing, from what you said about his father being loud, that your son thinks it's "manly" to throw temper tantrums, which actually is childish, not manly. It's really important to nip this in the bud, before he learns from interacting with you that it's OK to be violent and angry with women. Although your son seems to be grown up in other ways, emotionally he has some maturing to do. It's really imperative to get the help of someone, his coach, perhaps, or a teacher, a pastor, a school counselor or other role model who can teach him how to control his temper. If he doesn't learn to do that, he'll have trouble all thorough his life because of it.

You have to tell some people who can help, even if it is embarrassing. A school counselor, pastor or therapist will keep it confidential. You have been a loving parent, but maybe not a strong enough one. You and your son need an objective, knowledgeable party who has the authority to convince your son he needs to change; not just for you, but for his own good.  "Anger Management" and "Anger: Cleansing Squall or Hurricane?" will give you some tools to use. But please don't try to do this all by yourself. If your son won't go for counseling, go by yourself to get an understanding about how to set limits and get him to want to control his temper.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will show you how behavior is learned and give you tools for handling feelings.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: It's as if something turned out bad

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have a friend who's asking for an advice and accidentally, I saw in the Internet your advices to some heart problems. So I told myself to try ask help from you also. This lady friend of mine is well, kind of in love with a man who's also in love with her. However, a friend of us also is I think falling in love with the same man. So, my lady friend does not know what to do.  Is it just right for her to tell to the man she is in love with him even if doing so will hurt our other friend?  Because the advice that I had given to her is to better tell what she feels.

And also, she does not know if the man still loves her because recently, he acts somewhat different. It's as if something turned out bad. I hope you can give some advice.

Dear Reader:

What are the facts? If this guy is dating both women, then he's just having a good time, and not thinking about commitment. If he's not dating either, then this is all just fantasy. Both ladies should stick with reality, and not get too far into their hopes about this guy. The big question is, has he asked either or both of them out on a date? If he has dated your friend, it is probably too soon to tell him what she feels; but ask him what he wants to do about their friendship. If he hasn't dated her, she should take the lead and ask him out to coffee or lunch, to let him know she's interested. Whatever she does, she shouldn't make a dramatic declaration of feelings unless he does. That will just spook him, and send him away.

"Guidelines for Successful Dating" and  "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" will help your friend see relationships differently. 

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help your friend sort out her feelings, and figure out what the right kind of relationship is for her.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on: Why does my partner insist on being right?

When your partner refuses to help solve the problem, you have no choice but to focus on your own need until you get cooperation.

As long as you offer every opportunity to cooperate and you extend an invitation to your partner to join you whenever he or she wishes, you are free to focus your attention on solving the problem for yourself.

If you try to please your partner at your own expense, there is no chance for both of you to be satisfied. Once you’ve tried to cooperate without getting support, the best solution is a course of action that puts you in control of your well-being and separates you from the effect of your partner’s resistance. The following steps ensure you can be sure you've given your partner ample opportunity to cooperate, and you're not overreacting.

Dr. Romance's Guidelines For Solving It Yourself

1. Be sure you've made a thorough attempt to negotiate. Don’t go to Solving it for Yourself until you’ve made an honest effort to engage your partner in negotiation – not just fighting.

2. Tell your partner what you are doing. State clearly that you have attempted to negotiate the problem, that your assessment is that your partner doesn't want to work on it, that you would prefer to work on it together, but that you've decided what you are going to do about it on your own. You might want to say you’re sad to have to do this, and you’re protecting what's good about the relationship.

3. Invite your partner to negotiate at any time. Say that you are going to follow your own solution, but that you are open to discussing it at any time. This is your open invitation to negotiate, which keeps it from becoming become a power play.

4. Communicate your good will. Let your partner know that you value him or her and the partnership, and you don't like having to make unilateral decisions, but you feel you have no choice, because your partner won’t work on it with you.

5. Be sure your solution solves the problem for you, even if you think your partner may not like it. If the solution works for both of you, the problem is solved, and needs no further discussion. if your partner is not satisfied with your solution, he or she has already been invited to negotiate, and being left out is a powerful incentive.

To get a different perspective, imagine what you would do about the problem if your partner weren't part of it. What would you do if your best friend were involved? Considering a relationship problem from the vantage point of a single person often points out places where you're being needlessly dependent.

Hopefully, you will seldom need to solve a problem without your partner's cooperation, but knowing you can solve the problem for yourself and still leave the door open to your partner's participation means you can remain calm and gentle in the face of a partner's reluctance to cooperate.

For more on this: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Everyone Thinks all truck drivers are perverts

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm in my forties, divorced, and debt free. I have a great credit score. My favorite hobby is Amateur Radio. Other hobbies are listening to shortwave radio programs and studying maps.

The down side is that I'm currently a truckdriver. Naturally, everyone thinks that ALL truckdrivers are perverts. Wrong answer! Are all female bosses yuppies or control freaks?

I think I'm a catch, but I'm having a difficult time meeting people.  Bars aren't working, and church doesn't seem to, either. 

Dear Reader:

Wow, a new pickup truck and a great credit score! What a catch! You're right that bars don't work. It's tough for a truck driver, because you're on the road a lot. If you're going to church, make sure you go to coffee hour. Talking to people and making friends is the best way to meet a partner. "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" puts dating into a metaphor you'll understand  and  "Where is Love" will help you restructure your thinking and actions.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  is exactly what you need to figure out how to meet the right partner.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am very confused and disillusioned

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a youthful and attractive woman, mid-fifties, who is so confused about online and ads for meeting men. I have been wounded by these men who, after some meetings with them and being promised by THEM that they want to take me for dinner within a few days, they set the time etc. and then BOOM, never do I hear from them again. also, even before meeting them, just via the phone, they ask me how thin I am, what my pension is, if I will have one and the like.

I am so vey confused, upset and disillusioned and believe that my chances have gone by in my 20's. i am very discouraged by this and it seems to always happen to me in this way. do others have these problems tina or are there so very many broken down men? i know how very busy you must be, but would LOVE to hear something of a response or a recommended read, workshop etc. to restore my confidence and faith.

Dear Linda:

Actually, the older you are, the less online sites will work for you, and they don't work that great to begin with. Even the people who successfully meet find they have little in common most of the time.

But, don't despair.  "Where is love?" and "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"  will help you find find what you're looking for.

To find a life mate, don't focus on dating. Instead, use what I call the "get a life" method. Focus on activities that you enjoy (sports, classes, or political, social, charitable or religious activities ) which involve meeting other people and creating a social circle. When you were in high school or college, you were in the perfect environment for dating and making friends, so seek to duplicate that environment. If you are doing things that are meaningful to you, you'll automatically have something in common with anyone you meet there. It will also move your focus from desperation to something productive, which will bring out your most attractive character traits. As a bonus, you also get to observe that person around other people, which will tell you a lot about his/her character. Dating doesn't happen until you are already quite sure you two are mutually compatible and interested, and success is almost guaranteed.

As people mature they get wiser, and learn to look past the outer package, and focus more on the person within. It's the character of the person that will determine whether your relationship will be a success, not his or your outward appearance. Here are some Dating Do's and Don'ts to help:

Dating Do's and Don'ts

DO'S

*Do 'shop around:' don't stay focused on one person until you've given yourself a choice.

*Do listen. Don't monopolize the conversation. You'll learn even more about your date, and be more relaxed.

*Do focus on friendship. This early, you can't know where it might go, so concentrate on developing the friendship. You can have as many friends as you want.

*Do get feedback. Offer your comments on the event or the restaurant, and ask your date what he or she thought of it, for future reference.

*Do let your date know if you enjoyed his/her company. A complement is always welcome. If you'd like to do it again, say so.

*If you promise to call, mean it. If you've decided not to continue the relationship but feel you can't say so, don't make empty promises.

*Do tell the truth: don't lie, but also don't share too much too soon. You don't need to tell your date about other dates if you two have no agreement about exclusivity.

*Do pay attention to the clues about your date: you need to learn about this person's character, not just looks and charm.

DON'TS

*Don't assume your date is exclusive with you if you've never talked about it.

*Don't be afraid of silence. Occasional silences allow a conversation to feel natural and unforced.

*Don't make sex the objective. Good reasons for going slowly into sexual activity include: reducing the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and AIDS; avoiding the awkwardness of intimacy with a total stranger; avoiding codependent obsession; and having sex to look forward to. If and when sex is right, it will happen: there's no advantage in rushing.

*Don't date beyond your budget. It doesn't impress your date if, in the long run, you have to make an embarrassing confession, and "buying" someone's company doesn't work. A wide disparity in income calls for frank discussion early on. If your date spends a lot on you, reciprocating with a home-cooked meal, a hand-made gift, or needed repair work will even the tally.

*Don't get too self-conscious. The media focus on youth and fitness these days can make anyone feel insecure and unattractive. Look your best, then forget about it. Instead of worrying what your date thinks of you, focus on what you think of your date.

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will help you get a better handle on who you are and how to present yourself to men, and what things to be wary of.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: is it natural for a man to masturbate?

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I am single man, I have question for you, is it natural for a man to masturbate? I normally, do it everyday, sometimes 4 times a day. Tell me if its wrong or normal to fantasize my cousin and she is a woman? Is it that wrong thing to do? I love to masturbate and to me its fun and great feeling. Do you have any advice. I want to know if there is anything wrong with me. I need your help.

Dear Reader:

There is nothing wrong with masturbation. What seems to be wrong is that you have too much time for it, and I'm guessing, because you're fantasizing about your cousin, you don't have enough contact with other girls. 

My advice is to get a life. Get out and get busy. Work off some of your excess energy. If you're in school, get involved in some activities, or get a part-time job. If you're out of school, you need an adult life: work, friends, social activities. Join some groups. Get something going for yourself. Don't turn into an isolated creep who only lives a fantasy life.  "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" will get you started on a healthier focus, and "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will show you how to prepare for successful dating.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction has the information you need to get in charge of your life, to motivate yourself and to choose a healthy focus.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Relationships 101: Do Opposites Attract?

Dr. Romance writes: It seems logical that like would attract like, but in my private practice as a marriage counselor and psychotherapist, I often see people drawn to their opposite ‑‑ because it's new and exciting.

However, what’s exciting in the newness of romance often becomes unbearable in the constant contact of a long time relationship.  If you and your partner don’t have a certain degree of similarity, your relationship will be too stressful to last. On the other hand, if you’re too similar, your relationship could be boring. The excitement and challenge of your relationship comes from your differences; the security and ease of your relationship comes from your similarities.

Here are some relationship dynamics you can learn to understand to overcome challenging differences between you and your partner:

Gender differences

Although times are changing, most men and women are socialized differently as children, and these differences can trip us up in romantic relationships. Women's and men's brains, and therefore language processing and reasoning, are organized differently. Cultural anthropologists theorize that it's because of the different survival skills they needed to learn. They maintain it takes different perception, ideation, cognition and communication skills to raise a baby versus hunting down a mammoth. Whatever the case, the differences can be bridged.

The main thing you need to understand is that most women take a meandering mental route, full of emotional (and distracting for men) side trips, which are rich in meaning for the female. It is why research shows that women are so good at multitasking, cooperation and relationship‑building and less focused on reaching a specific goal. Men value competency and problem solving. Women value intimacy and emotional connection. Women, you may think he's focused entirely on time, power, or money, but what he's really trying to do is create enough security that he can feel safe to let his guard down. Men, you might think she's illogical or irrational, but she's responding to emotional cues you haven't been trained to see.

Different Families and/or Cultures

It's not just that "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" ‑‑ it's that all of us have grown up on different planets. Whatever your family did seems "normal" and "right" to you, and couples can get caught up in arguing about who's right rather than focusing on what will work. This is especially difficult in mixed‑culture families. Blended couples have blended children, who need both cultures. Learning to combine traditions, cuisines, and family celebrations can really create a brand new culture that celebrates everyone. When a couple can accomplish this the result is joyful.

Coming Together

When your differences are grating against each other, you need to stop insisting you're right or your partner is wrong, and seek to re‑establish your connection. To reconnect, be sure you are listening to each other and understanding your mutual needs and wants. The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about, and needed. If you really want to revive your relationship, begin not by complaining about your needs that aren't being met, but by focusing on understanding your partner's needs, and communicating what you want. Once you make the connection, you can begin to work out the issues.

Intimacy Breaks Barriers

Intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted. When this feeling is created, barriers fall. Gentle touch, eye contact, a gentle sense of humor, and the right words all create an intimate atmosphere. Commenting positively on your partner's looks or the day's activities will also help. Partners often disconnect when they don't feel interested in each other anymore. When there's a problem with intimacy, a partner who's sympathetic and doesn't make demands can be very healing and appealing.

Four simple steps to create a successful relationship despite your differences:

1. Talk frequently and honestly to each other about your frustrations, about intimacy, about anger, about disappointment, about your appreciation of each other, about the meaning of life, about everything.

2. Strive to work together to solve anything that comes up. Learn to be a team, a partnership. Don't get stuck on who's right or wrong. Instead, focus on what will solve the problem.

3. Keep your connection going through communication, affection, understanding, and mutual concern for one another.

4. Have a sense of humor, give the benefit of the doubt, and lighten up. Try not to react so dramatically, and let small things roll off your back. When you follow these four steps, your differences won't separate you ‑‑ they'll excite you.  Adapted from Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Everyone has been trying to reunite me with my exes.

Dear Dr. Romance:

EVERYONE, yes EVERYONE has been TRYING and FAILING at having me reunite with one of my exes…or Something like that. My asinine brother took out pictures of my ex-husband of 9 years and started guilt-tripping me. The funny thing is this: I remained on good terms with ALL of my exes for reasons. I have NO Interest in running into anyone who I shared even a short period of my life with and having drama. It serves no good. Hence…the good term theory.

I WILL say that upon certain visits, they have all made advances (some which may have been allowed…others that I turned the other cheek at).

I can honestly say that this policy has served me for all of these years, yet when I was laid-off from my career position last year, it has been a never-ending cycle of nosey people getting overly-involved in my romantic life. I am MORE in love with my work and the joy it brings than that of any ex-men…Lol. Sorry, but it’s true. Most would be able to tell you that when I am in a romantic relationship, I can be VERY good to my man. However, with a situation such as this, I don’t see being much of anything to him (whoever he will eventually be). I vow to NOT be in a romantic relationship until I have MY life and MY happiness back. That’s a promise that I have made to myself (and I REFUSE to break it). Seems fair, right?

Dear Reader:

You must be surrounded with people who love you and worry about you. Yes, they may be heavy-handed about trying to get you re-connected with your exes, and I know it's annoying, but keep in mind that they're trying to help. The best thing to do is to tell them what kind of help you want. Say, "Thanks for caring about me; but if you really want to help, what I need is a job, not a man; and definitely not someone who didn't work out the first time."  

I applaud your focus on getting on a solid footing before opening up your romantic life again. More power to you. You need to feel solid in your life in order to find the right relationship. "Your Primary Relationship" and "Your Job on Earth" will help you in your quest to set your life right.   When you're ready to form a new relationship, you'll know it, and if I can help, let me know.

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty is the perfect guide for your current quest.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm in my late 40s and feeling very unhopeful about my future love life.

Dear Dr. Romance

I am in a terrible funk over a failed relationship that lasted 2 years and I thought would lead to marriage. We met online and now I'm afraid if I go online again, he will see my profile and/or I will see his. I took this breakup so hard, the thought of that happening just makes me cringe. I understand one can block certain online names, but if he has changed his how will I know? Also, can you give me any tips on getting over this? I'm in my late 40s and feeling very unhopeful about my future love life.

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I know it's painful, and I'm concerned that you're worried about whether he sees you're online. That may mean you're not healed enough from your grief to risk dating again.  Maybe you need to withdraw for a little while, and focus on healing.  "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again"  will help you go through your grief and bounce back to a positive outlook.  

If you're not together any more, then you need to stop focusing on him, what he thinks, or what he's doing. Let him go. Put your focus on yourself. The following tips will help.

Dr. Romance on how to handle a bad breakup:

DO put it in perspective
If you're dumped, it hurts, but count your lucky stars. You don't have a relationship if the other person's not really interested.

DO understand that there were problems already
It's never easy to find out that your relationship, long or short, is over. Once bonded, even if the relationship is terrible, both men and women have trouble breaking away. So if you're dumped, the other person really wanted out.

DON'T idealize a bad relationship:
In counseling people who got dumped, every client realized the warning signs that were ignored early in the relationship. Don't pick out the few good moments you remember and ignore what wasn't working.

DO try to learn from the experience
After the initial upset, review the dynamics of the relationship and analyze what went wrong, what you could have done differently, and what you learned. There's no need to give yourself a hard time about it, just process the information, so you don't repeat mistakes.

DON'T expect closure from the dumper
It is lovely when two civilized grown-ups can dissect what happened in the relationship, tell the truth, ask for forgiveness and absolve each other. But this usually happens years later. Closure requires getting truthful answers to your questions about what happened -- to understand why. After a breakup, both of you are upset, hurt, and guilty and probably won't be telling the truth, even if you understand it. Neither of you really wants to hear the truth this soon. Longing to talk "just once more" to your ex is just asking for pain. 

Dr. Romance's  tips to moving on emotionally after a split

1. If you gave it your best shot, and you know it's over, don't waste time in resentment and anger, it's self-destructive. Let go. Do your grieving, cry, write about your feelings, ("How to Write a Love Letter" is good for this) and talk about it with a trusted friend or a counselor. Have a "letting go" ceremony with close friends, and say goodbye to your relationship. Put reminders away for a while.

2. Don't hesitate to get therapy to help you through this transition, so you can grieve what's lost (even if you're the one who left, you've lost your hopes and dreams for this marriage) and move your focus on to building a good life in your new circumstance. A professional viewpoint will help you move from past to present, and plan for the future.

3. This is an important time to have your friends or family around you, you need support. Don't isolate. You don't have to go right out and date again (go slow with that) but you should have a social life with friends and family. Even if you don't think you feel ready to see people, see your closest friends and spend time with them. They'll help you heal, and remind you that you still have people who love you.

 4. Focus on re-building your life; on the practical things you need to do and think. Get your emotional, personal and financial life together as soon as you can. Think about all the things you've been freed up to do, and do some of them. Try things you would never have done before, or things you've always wanted to do. As Gatsby said "Living well is the best revenge." Use the energy from your anger and grief, and channel them into doing things just for you. Try out for that local theater, take dancing lessons or an art class, learn to scuba dive, plant a garden. All of those things will keep you focused on the present and the future, instead of the past.

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will give you more help to restructure your life and your self-image.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I feel like such a damned freak.

Dear Dr. Romance:

My entire adult life, I have gone out to all the places you're told to go to meet someone special. Nothing. I never even get asked out. It's like I'm invisible, and my life has wasted away because there's not a damn thing I can to do to 'make' someone want me. I'm no size 0, but I'm not an elephant either. I have a great personality (that one again!), but I can't get my friends to understand that I simply refuse to put myself through more pain and humiliation by putting myself out there, and never getting chosen. I feel like such a damned freak. Can you help me?"

Dear Reader:

You're not a freak. Lots of good, worthwhile people have this problem. Have you had someone review your online profile? Maybe it doesn't really let people know who you are. Going to a party and sitting on the sidelines waiting for someone to ask you is a losing proposition for anyone.

Get your great personality front and center, where guys can see it. Go to small group activities, where you can actually talk to people. If you are at a big event, learn how to approach a guy and say, "Hi. How are you tonight?" Compliment something he's wearing, like "That's an interesting belt, or shoes." And when he says "thank you," ask a question about it. "Why did you choose that one?" Saying pleasant things, followed by simple questions, gets the conversation going. "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"  has all the information you need to catch your guy.  "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will show you how to interact successfully on a date. 

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today can help you find a partner, and set yourself up for a great relationship.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Finding Love During Quarantine

Dr. Romance writes:

Normally, I recommend getting face to face as soon as possible, because you get so many clues, including pheromones, that you don’t get over phone, texting, email or video. However, these are not normal times, and we’re sheltering in place, so face to face is out, unless you want to risk getting within six feet of each other. Keep in mind that people can be infected and not know it, so be extra cautious. Dating online is the best option, because you can connect through video, phone, text and email. Face to face meeting should be put off until after sequestering is done. Keep in mind that, while most people will be genuine, some bad actors can fake things and mislead you.

Dr. Romance's tips for Meeting People on Non-Dating Sites:

How to find love during quarantine:
1. You need to find people, so join as many video conference meetings as you can manage. There are online book clubs, special interest groups, fan clubs, and classes. Join whatever strikes your fancy, something you’re interested in is a good idea. Make sure they are interactive, where you can see and connect with the other people. You can try anything and if you don’t like it, or there are no suitable people there, don’t go back after the first session.
2. If you can’t find a suitable group, start one on Facebook or other social media.
3. When someone says something interesting, comment on it. That’s how connections start.
4. Try several dating apps, until you find one you like, and plan on connecting with a lot of unsuitable people before you find a good one.
5. You can meet people anywhere: online at the bank, in the grocery store, at Starbucks. Even though you have masks on, strike up a conversation: “Have you ever tried this frozen dinner?” “ I see you bought …… How do you like it?” You won’t know anything about anyone unless you speak up and have a conversation.
6. If you walk or jog regularly, wave at people you see often. If you see someone interesting along the way, stop and begin a conversation
7. Focus on making friends. That’ s a lot less aggressive than looking for someone to date. And, if you make a few friends in addition to finding people to date, it’s a bonus.

For more on finding a new partner, Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today 
 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I feel terrible about not keeping the promises I made

Dear Dr. Romance:

My story will probably sound like a thousand others you've heard, but I am in desperate need of some answers. I am in my fifties, my wife is a few years younger. My wife had a hysterectomy about 15 years ago, so menopause is not likely part of this equation. As you are probably guessing, a large part of our problem has to do with the lack of intimacy and sex. We had talks about this a few different times, and she would promise to do better. "Better" never happened, and I became frustrated.

In February of this year, I began an extramarital affair with a married woman who was not getting the attention she needed at home either, plus her husband has been abusive to her. I know her husband, as I worked at the same place with him a few years back, and I can see how he could easily be that way. As time progressed, we developed very strong feelings for each other, far beyond friendship, intimacy, and sex. We both decided to leave our respective marriages, and to be together. We made plans, got an apartment, bought furniture, she moved her grammar school age son into the school district near the apartment, so on and so forth.

Last Thursday, I told my wife of my intentions, and I moved out. The lady I am seeing is living with me at this time. I do care deeply for this woman, but the guilt of what I have done to my wife is eating me alive. Yesterday, I told my girlfriend about what I was feeling, and that I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to handle all of this. Naturally, she was very upset and distraught over the possibility that I could be having second thoughts. It would be virtually impossible for her to go back home, because of the past circumstances, and she is not really able to support herself on her own. There would be no child support, as her son is from a rape she experienced prior to being married. I did promise her that I would follow through on this, and I'm sure at least part of her decision to leave her husband was based on having the security that I would provide. I don't know if the uncertainty I am feeling about all of this is due to guilt, part of a natural grieving process, or if I am having second thoughts. If I go back home to my wife, I feel that she would take me back, provided that we would go through some serious counseling. 

If I leave this woman I am with, I will feel terrible about not keeping the promises that I made to her, and leaving her in a position to where she couldn't now take care of herself. To make matters worse, her mother, who has been very domineering to her over the years, was very much against her making this decision, and she says she could not bear having to face that, if I left. I suppose that I've gotten myself into a fine mess here, but I bet I'm not the first or only one who ever has. I have been married to my wife for almost 30 years, and outside the intimacy and sex issue, there have never been any real problems between us. I am a religious person, believe it or not, and have been praying diligently for some help and guidance. Before you suggest it, I really don't think that I would feel comfortable going to my pastor about this. Is there any advice that you can give me? I'm desperate. Thanks in advance

Dear Reader:

Whether you go to your pastor or someone else, you need to get counseling, all by yourself, before you make any more decisions. You are ruining lives here, yours and everyone else's. I can understand feeling deprived and falling in love outside your marriage.  But your actions are not correct. You are acting emotionally immature, and your lover doesn't seem to be much more mature. There's a child's life involved as well. You are acting out of desperation, and it's running all your decisions, which means they are bad ones. There's already been a lot of irreparable damage.

"Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will show you how to find a local counselor and make an appointment right away. You need someone objective to help you sort out this mess. "You be the Judge" will help you understand how to use your judgment in making decisions.

In the meantime, It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction has the information you need to become more emotionally mature and learn to make better decisions.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: From a phone call every day to a dead end.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am new to the entire single scene. Recently I met someone and after a couple of dates, he started to email me with a lot of sexual inquires. I ignored some of it and sometimes I would put a little tease in the reply.

When he started getting more vulgar I want this and I want to do this...I emailed him back and told him I was very uncomfortable and wanted to take time to get to know him better.

From a phone call every other day to a dead end. I am thankful to weed this one out of my future potential partners.

Dear Reader:

I'm so glad you got rid of him, and I hope you learned to do it quicker. When a guy doesn't respect you in the first few dates, he never will.  We all hate to be unkind, but when you encounter someone who does not honor the social contract of respect and politeness, sometimes being blunt is the only option.    "You Be The Judge"  will help you understand that using your judgment is a good thing.  "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk"  shows you the signs of emotional blackmail to watch out for.  There's no point in wasting time with a guy who won't respect or care for you.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you find a more reliable and loving guy.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My wife has no sexual fantasies

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been married to my wife for 19 years and I have ask her to tell me her fantasies for along time, she says she has none, Is this possible? She always wants oral sex buts never gives any back, Do you have anything I could try to open her up to new things? 

Dear Reader:

Many women don't have fantasies about sex.  Some women have fantasies about affection and romance, but don't consider them sex fantasies.  If fantasies turn you on, why don't you get some books or magazines which contain sexy stories, like Little Birds by Anais Nin,  or  My Secret Garden: Women's Sexual Fantasies by Nancy Friday, and read them aloud to each other? If she reads romantic books, instead of asking her about her fantasies, ask her to read passages in a book that she thinks are romantic.

Some women really enjoy giving oral sex, others don't. Women with a sensitive gag-reflex may truly have difficulty. Couples need to experiment: she can lick, wrap her hand around the base of the penis to make sure it doesn't go too far into her mouth, etc. But the most important thing is that she feel appreciated rather than pressured. Also, it usually feels more equal if oral sex is a trade off, with both partners giving and receiving.

If you read her some stories about couples having the kind of sex you want, or read out of a book like The Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort, it could be an education as well as a turn-on.  Also, try some of the less graphic erotic movies.  If your wife is somewhat sheltered, and has not seen porn, don't begin with the heavy stuff.  Go to your local video shop, and ask the clerk for some advice on which movies would be sexy, but not too graphic. Or find some online erotica that works.  If your wife enjoys watching those with you, (and if you flatter her and tell her it makes you love her more to do that with her, she probably will)  then you can get gradually sexier movies.  Help her see that it's a complement to her that you want to be more sexual with her.

This must be done rather slowly, which may be difficult if you're feeling deprived and frustrated.  But, if you go too fast, and turn her off, then you're not going to get what you want.  Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Marriage will help you work out your sexual agreements.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Dating as a Single Parent

As a single parent, you probably have so little free time that dating seems an impossible task. Yet, single parents are dating in unprecedented numbers, so if you’re looking for another “head of household” to date, you can find one.

As a responsible parent, you’ll want to be very cautious about whom you date and eventually bring home — for the safety and well-being of your child(ren). You may feel guilty or unsure about whether dating is OK. Of course it is, as long as you do it responsibly, and your children are not disrupted by your dating.

Single parent dating involves finding a quality person you like, who likes you, and who is comfortable with your children. These extra dynamics can be frustrating, but should not be ignored or overlooked.

Pressuring your children to like your date and going too fast for them to get comfortable with the situation will create unnecessary trouble. These guidelines present some guidelines to help you, your children and your new date be more comfortable, and assure that things go smoothly.

If your children are small, they have a right to be primary in your life. They should not have to compete with your new relationship for your time, attention and affection. This takes planning, because your schedule is already full.

Parental Dating Guidelines

* Make sure you know a lot about any new person before inviting him/her into your home

* Make friends before considering a romantic relationship

* Always introduce new adults to your children as friends, nothing more.

* If your children are old enough to have opinions of your new friends, listen to what they have to say.

* Do not pressure your children to like your new friend, or to spend time with him or her.

* Insist that your children behave appropriately and politely to your adult friends.

* Have regular family discussions with your children.

* If you want to get serious with a date, find out his or her feelings about children, especially your children, first.

* Gradually introduce a new date to your children by doing family oriented activities together. Give your children and your date a chance to develop their own relationships.

* Don’t sacrifice your children’s alone time with you to your dating. Don’t miss sport or school events in order to date.

* Don’t share inappropriately with your children. Do not use them as “confidantes” for your relationship confusion or problems. Don’t allow them to find out about your sexual relationship.

From Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Are there dating guidelines for single parents?

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I am an elementary school counselor. If you wouldn't mind, I would like to ask you a question that involves a child of a single parent. This 12 year old boy's father died less than a year ago. His mom has started dating again (I believe this to be too soon). I told the boyfriend that they should be low-key in their dating but the boyfriend disagreed with me as he and the mother felt that they would be deceiving the child. Do you have any general dating guidelines that I could give to this mother and her new boyfriend so they don't upset this child too much? Any information would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.

Dear Reader:

I agree with you that it's very soon, and  the son shouldn't be aware his Mom is dating. She should introduce her new man as a "friend" and act accordingly in front of the son.  "Dating Guidelines for Single Parents" may be helpful to her. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  has a lot more information about single parent dating,  and it will provide her and her boyfriend with healthy relationship and communication skills. If this Mom is not careful, she'll set up competition between her son and her boyfriend.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Our sex life has been very bad

Dear Dr. Romance

My husband of almost 9 years just told me about 2 months ago that he is in love with someone else. About 5 years ago I caught him cheating on me with this girl and he told me that it was over and it was just for the sex. Then 2 years later I found out that he was still with her. Then in June (after the birth of our third child) he told me that he was not just leaving me because he didn't love me anymore but also because he had been in love with someone else. We talked about everything and he has decided to cut her out and try to see if he can fall back into love with me.

Our relationship has had a lot of ups and downs. It started because I got pregnant and he decided that staying with me was the right thing to do. So at first he was not in love with me but he did fall in love with me. Our sex life has been very bad because I have no sex drive (even before he was cheating). When we do have sex I have always enjoyed it.

What I guess I would like advice on is how to help him fall back in love with me. He says that he has no desires to be with me in a sexual way and right now he just feels like we are friends and roommates. So how do you go about trying to reform feelings if you do not act like husband and wife. Is it possible for him to fall back in love with me if he cuts complete ties with the other woman and really wants to stay with me. Do we just try to be friends and enjoy time together and hope that it leads to love again???

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be painful. I'm guessing your husband has resented you from the beginning because you got pregnant and he felt "trapped" into marriage. He's probably had one foot out the door the whole time. Like many men, he feels entitled to sexual gratification, and thinks you didn't live up to your part of the bargain, so he has an excuse for cheating.

You have been pretty naïve throughout your relationship, and now you're getting a painful education. You've fallen for the myth that says that you have to have a sex drive to have sex. In long term relationships you have sex because it feels good and it's good for your marriage, not because you're driven to have it.

The other woman is not your problem. If you want to get your relationship back, you have to get your sexual relationship back. A man like your husband is not going to hang around if sex isn't working. You need to show him he's important to you as more than a dad and a meal ticket.

It could be too late, if he's bonded with this other woman, but it's worth a try if you really want him back.

"Couples Can Cooperate for Success"  will show you how to have a more mutually gratifying relationship. "Better Intimacy, Better Sex" will give you steps to repair your sexual connection.  Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship gives you the tools and techniques to improve every part of your marriage.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm having trouble letting go of a guy who mistreats me

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I'm still having a bit of trouble letting go and cutting off communication with a guy who mistreats me. I understand in my head that this is not right, but I can't seem to get it emotionally. Yesterday was his birthday and particularly difficult to not reply despite his angry words or cursing. Is there any advice you can offer or perhaps additional reading? I'm trying to cement that he is a predator as you said but still rationalize the good aspects of him.

Dear Reader:

I'm glad you wrote. So sorry that you're having trouble. The emotional part of your brain is different from the logical part, which is why you feel so conflicted. Here are the signs of emotional blackmail. See if they ring any bells for you.

Know the signs of emotional blackmail:
1) A demand. Your date won't take "no" for an answer, and requests are really demands.
2) Resistance. When every discussion turns into an argument.
3) Pressure. Your date pressures you to go along.
4) Threats. Your date uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to end the relationship, tears, rage, badgering.
5) Compliance. If you give in, you're setting a dangerous precedent. Your date now knows you can be pressured into giving in to him or her, and this will increase the intensity of what your date is willing to do to pressure you.
6) Repetition. An obsessive person will go through these previous five steps over and over, wearing you down each time. The easiest thing is to be sure when you say "no", it means no.

Read "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship"  and "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship" and "You Be The Judge"  They will help you get into the right part of your mind and resist your feelings.

There is nothing but pain in that relationship for you. Try to find out what you are really longing for -- it isn't actually him, and what you want is not available from him.  There is someone better for you, if you'll just let go and focus on finding a healthier Relationship.

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship  will help you understand how a healthy relationship works.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you find a new, better relationship when you're ready.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance: Is there a right way to ask for more sex?

If you and your partner are not on the same page sexually, you need to learn how to talk with each other about sex: 

Dr. Romance's Guidelines for Creating a Sexual Agreement:

* Set up a problem-solving session:

* Having a time to talk about sex will help you create trust and sexual openness which makes finding solutions much easier.

* Begin with reassurance and good will, reminding each other of your love and of your desire that your sexual relationship be fulfilling for both of you.

* Remember, underneath your anxiety, frustration and struggle, each of you is longing for the other to care about what you want, and to understand you.

* If you have difficulty talking to each other about this, read these guidelines aloud and follow them step-by-step. This is a prime opportunity to improve all the communication in your relationship and get you out of being stuck.

* Remind each other, "I love you, I want our relationship to be good for both of us."

*Share your wants, needs, and ideas: Be honest about your sexual needs. Your partner may feel more like you do about sex than you think; but you'll never know that unless you're willing to express your own feelings and listen to him or her.

*Being honest means not only telling the truth; but also being willing to hear the truth from each other. Making honesty OK is the key to achieving sexual understanding. The only attitude that works is this one: "I may not like what you tell me, I may have trouble hearing it, but I will still love you, and we will work together to come to an agreement that works."

from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: How can I let go of a toxic relationship?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I wonder if you have an article that you've written that you can point me too on how to let go of a toxic relationship. I've been involved for 7 months with a man who is continually evasive, avoidant-attachment, manipulative and I need to figure out how to let this go.

Dear Reader:

Yes, I do.  It's a problem many people, especially women, have.

Once you're bonded with someone, it's very painful to let go. Since most of us like to avoid our feelings, we don't want to do the grieving that's necessary to let go. But, when you've had a loss, there are a certain number of tears you must cry to let go -- getting on with the crying is the fastest way. Even if the dissolution of the relationship was your idea, you may be clinging to a dream -- in denial. A bad relationship can become like an addiction – a difficult habit to break, because you are emotionally attached, and the attached part of you wants to keep trying, while the rational part knows you need to let go.

We also have a lot of cultural mythology about "I'll never stop loving you" and that clinging and martyring to a toxic love means you are truly in love. Clinging to a toxic love is immature, to begin with. A relationship is a partnership, and requires work on both lovers' parts in order to succeed. The initial romance stage isn't supposed to last, the relationship is supposed to grow into a real life partnership, and that requires paying attention, learning and growth. It's not a fairy tale-- it's a real life love story, and well worth the work required. If you give nothing, you get nothing; but you can't be the only one giving. Your partner must be acting in ways that make the relationship better, not worse, also. Sometimes, a toxic partner doesn't really want to be with you, but who either doesn't want to 'hurt you' or is still getting benefits (sex without commitment, you do the laundry, you're willing to take the kids more than your share) that he doesn't want to jeopardize.

Block your ex on the phone, on Facebook, and other social media sites. If you keep looking at his Facebook page, or letting him contact you, you are not grieving and letting yourself heal and move on.

If you gave it your best shot, and you know it's over, or if it never really got started, don't waste time in resentment and anger. Learn to let go. If you're dumping a badly behaved cheater/jerk, be careful. Jerks often throw temper tantrums when they don't get what they want, so break up from a distance. I often advise clients who need to break up with an abusive or violent partner or a stalker to break up via e-mail, to be safer.

If you find you have real reason to doubt this person, and there are real problems, such as lying, severe money problems, a history of alcohol abuse, violence, many past relationship problems, a criminal record, reports of illegal activities, or drug use, do not make excuses, and do not accept promises of change. Change is difficult, and will take a lot of time. Mere promises, no matter how well intended, are not sufficient. Get out of this relationship before you are any more attached, or any more degraded, than you are now. If your partner decides to get help, let him do it because he or she knows they need it, not to get you back. That's not a strong enough motive to keep him committed to change.

To dump a jerk, don't be kind. He won't get it. Be clear, say "It's over" in no uncertain terms, ask him not to contact you, and then cut him off. Don't answer phone calls, e-mails, etc. If you do, you'll give him cause to think he can badger you into coming back. If he shows up, don't let him in. If you have to call the police to get rid of him, do it. He's a spoiled brat, and he needs to know you mean what you say.

Know the signs of emotional blackmail:
1. A demand. Your date won't take "no" for an answer, and requests are really demands.
2. Resistance. When every discussion turns into an argument.
3. Pressure. Your date pressures you to go along.
4. Threats. Your date uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to end the relationship,
tears, rage, badgering.
5. Compliance. If you give in, you're setting a dangerous precedent. Your date now knows you
can be pressured into giving in to him or her, and this will increase the intensity of what your
date is willing to do to pressure you.
6. Repetition. An obsessive person will go through these previous five steps over and over,
wearing you down each time. The easiest thing is to be sure when you say "no", it means no.

I hope this is helpful. You can also read: "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship", 
"Setting Boundaries and Saying No" , Romance is Not Necessarily Love,  "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk"  and "Avoiding The Drama Triangle" are all articles which will help you restructure your relationship and leave if you find you need to. 

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you a healthier model for a relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I guess we don't separate the "math" from the "emotion!"

Dear Dr. Romance:

I saw your article "How to Avoid Financial Infidelity" about couples fighting over finances:

I am totally on board as I think what you share is phenomenal. The challenge is my approach I suppose as my wife is almost NEVER on board. I guess we don't separate the "math" from the "emotion!" Trust me we're gonna to have to sit down and be more business-like and professional for sure, what a great approach. I hope it helps.

Dear Reader:

Thank you.  I hope it helps, too.  Remember, you and your wife have created a behavior habit pattern, and it takes a while to change it. Have you tried talking with her about how you two negotiate money?   "How to Avoid Financial Infidelity" contains guidelines for money talks which can help you both be more rational and less emotional about money.  "Couples Can Cooperate for Suceess" can teach you skills for working together as partners.  Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage contains all the information, exercises and examples you need to recreate a loving partnership.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: He calls me names and puts me down

Dear Dr. Romance,

I would like your advise in my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been living together for a year and a half and known each other for 3 years. He calls me names and puts me down when i try to communicate with him and every time i want to break it off he tells me we should try again but it seems to be going in a circle.

Dear Reader:

It sounds like nothing is changing in your relationship, so please understand that nothing is likely to change. You can't talk him into being a nicer guy. If he was a nice guy, he'd be treating you better. Pay attention to what your boyfriend does, not what he says. If his actions don't change, then he's not maturing, and you won't get anywhere with him.  "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" will show you how to recognize that he has problems. "Less Talk, More Action" will help you handle him better. "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship" will help you recognize  It's time to find a guy who's grown up enough to really care about you. Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship contains information, examples and exercises that will show you how to end the fighting and have a successful, loving relationship.

I wish you luck and a future with a loving relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance: Is it normal to argue with your spouse about your kids?

Dr. Romance: It is not necessary to argue about parenting your kids.  Couples usually argue about how their parents raised them, and they want to do the same (or the opposite) of what their parents did.

How Not to Pass Your Family Dysfunction on to your kids:

1. Don't do it the way your parents did: Since kids don't come with instructions, parents tend to wind up doing what they know, which could be what their dysfunctional parents did. Or, they can fight about whose family did it right: Instead, take a parenting class, read a book, find a method to follow that both you and your spouse can agree on that's neutral, and doesn't pit your parenting ideas against one another.

2. Keep your adult things private. If you go out and drink too much, the kids should not know you have a hangover, just that you don't feel well. If you're a dating single parent, your kids don't need to hear the gory details. You're 'going out with a friend' is sufficient. If you have a fight, have it away from the kids.

3. Kids need to know about real life: Teach your kids about managing money -- you can share your financial problems and solutions, as long as you don't scare the kids. Teach your grammar-school age kids to cook, get themselves awake, clean up, do their homework, and help each other as though it's a matter of routine, which it should be. Keep in mind that you're raising them to be self-sufficient adults in the real world. School is the kid equivalent of a job. Chores are the kid equivalent of making life work smoothly. Getting along with siblings and schoolmates is the kid equivalent of developing social skills. Remembering this will keep your parenting on track and reasonable.

4. Face your Demons: The best way to not pass on your demons is to face them and work through them. If you have an addiction, a bad health habit, or problems getting along, get help and work it out, so you don't pass it on to your kids. Demons can be banished with some expert guidance.

5. Don't be perfect: Don't try to be perfect parents; aim for good-enough. Don't worry about what the neighbors think, be you own best self. Your kids need something to rise above, but don't make it too easy to aspire to be better than you.

From:  Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm a single father of a 6 year old daughter

Dear Dr. Romance:

I hope you don't mind me writing you but I came across an article that you said:  "The best interest of the child also could preclude a mom from gaining custody," says Dr. Tessina. "If a judge doesn't deem that the mother meets the state's standards for being a fit parent, she won't be awarded primary custody. If both parents are fit to raise the child, they're typically granted shared custody."

I'm a single father of a 6 year old daughter and thought that what you said is absolutely true. I was wondering if it wouldn't be too much to ask if you had anything that could actually back this up? Unfortunately, I do not have 50/50 custody of my daughter because the mother is not agreeable. I won't get into the details but I would love more information on your statement to help me with my case of 50/50 is in the interests of the child. I've been making that argument ever since my daughter was born (her mother and I were never married).

At any rate regardless thanks so much for speaking out in the article. It gives hope to all us non-custodial parents that are getting screwed by unreasonable parents and system.

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry to hear that you don't have shared custody. I know how painful that is for a father. Custody laws vary from state to state, and the skill of your lawyers, and the judicial power of the judge who makes the decision are also factors. Also, in some states, whether or not you're married to her mother can be a factor. To have something to back up your case, you need to speak to a lawyer who is familiar with the laws regarding custody in the state in which the case is decided. Right or wrong, the court seems to have decided that you don't have enough status as a father to be granted 50/50 custody. If you can prove your status, through proof that you were involved in your daughter's life, you are listed as the father on the birth certificate, you paid child support, or you supported your child in some other way, then the courts will re-consider.

Custody decisions can always be challenged, unless you've relinquished your rights. If there's no legal way to change this, then keep in mind that children always search for missing parents when they become old enough to not be controlled by the custodial parent. Keep reminding your daughter that you care about her, through cards, gifts and letters, and be sure to pay any outstanding child support that may be due. Keep a journal about your thoughts about your daughter, for her to read one day.  There will be a day in the future when your daughter will want to know why you weren't there. Dr. Romance: Got a tough spouse?  will help you find a way to deal more effectively with your ex. Remember, if you're going to fight it in court, you need to be sure your record is good and support is paid up to look good in the eyes of the judge.

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship  will show you where your relationship went off the rails, and give you some ideas for getting along better.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship

Dr. Romance is pleased to announce the publication of a new edition of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 

“With a Ph.D., fifteen books, and 40 years of counseling experience, under her belt, [Redbook Love Expert] Tina [Tessina] has a lot to say about the everydays of life and love.”—Redbook.ivillage.com

Chances are your last argument with your partner was over money, sex or your kids; since couples battle over these three issues more than anything. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

The Perfect Peace Plan for Your Relationship

Relationships today are under extra pressure. Dr. Tessina offers struggling couples a much-needed fresh look at what is mean to be a couple; and what it takes to create a healthy, happy and fulfilling relationship.

In MONEY, SEX, and KIDS you'll discover new ways to think about sharing and working together to make all your decisions about money, sex, and kids mutual ones.  The point of Money, Sex and Kids is to show you how to create a partnership in which you'll feel blessed and happy. Here you'll learn to understand why you and your partner argue and the remaining skills you need to enhance your relationship and transform your struggles into working together to create a smoothly working partnership.  With this book, you'll be able to resolve your issues about money, sex, and kids, and move on to having a workable, satisfying relationship, with minimal or no arguing or fighting.

Inside you’ll find…

• Sample scripts to properly handle arguments
• Guidelines and exercises to deal with marital conflict
• Cases of other couples who have tackled the money, sex, kids conflict triangle
• Expert relationship advice from Tessina: the Internet’s “Dr. Romance”

• What readers are saying about Money, Sex and Kids
  Muffinhaven Press  •  January 2021
  ASIN: B08SVPMRRZ

Dear Dr. Romance: My girlfriend doesn't think she can handle this relationship.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am (or was, perhaps) in a fairly strong relationship for a few months now. Recently though, as the upcoming fall quarter approaches, my girlfriend doesn’t think she can handle a relationship. Between stress from school (she really wants her 4.0 this year), over-bearing parents, and the recent death of her dog, she has a lot going on. She has told me that she doesn’t think a relationship can work for her, with all the other things on her plate…

I’m wondering if there’s maybe some way to take a break, or pause things, something of that sort. I really care about her, and she seems to share the feelings. She did say that if she wanted to be dating anyone right now, it would be me.

I know that once things calm down again, we could pick up where we left off, and have a great relationship once more. What do you think about the situation? Should we try and maintain a relationship, but keep it very low-key? Take a break, with the understanding that we’ll try again in the near future? Or just go the "let’s just be friends" route.

Thanks for any input you have.

Dear Reader:

Women rarely say things straight out, as men do. Instead, they take the polite, circuitous route and hint about what's bothering them. However nice you are, your girlfriend appears to feel that you're adding to her burdens rather than helping her with them. She doesn't need a boyfriend right now, she needs your help. Stop worrying about what's in it for you, and see if you can find ways to help that make her life easier. Make it easy for her to study, run interference for her with her parents, and make absolutely no requests, suggestions or demands, especially not for sex.  "Keys to Happy Relationships"; "Kindness and Happiness" and "Attitude Adjustment" will help you know what to do, and what not to do. When she can cope again, she'll resume being your girlfriend, and you'll have learned an important skill.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free will occupy you while your girlfriend is overloaded, and teach you excellent relationship and communication skills.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: What I fear has happened the second time round

Dear Dr. Romance:

I hope you can help me. My boyfriend passed away two years back... We were pretty much engaged, living together and everything. I thought i was over the whole thing, but now I know I'm not.

A month back, or so.. i was seeing a man, and today i found out he had passed away. He reminded me so much of my late, they shared the same name, just second name being different. In the grieving process, I'm feeling the loss of both. And my late especially.

I am very afraid of commitment, and in the chance of loosing someone like this again.. and it has just happened second time round.  What do I do, how can I help myself??

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry for your losses. What you're feeling is normal; grief tends to pile up. The best thing you can do is allow yourself to grieve. Think of it as having x number of tears to cry. When you have cried them all, you'll be done grieving, and you'll be able to remember the good times you had, and be grateful that person was in your life, even briefly. You'll start to feel stronger, and ready to risk loving again. It will take some time, probably about a year.  "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again"  and "A Good Cry" will help you understand the grief process. "Grief: What it is, Why we have it, and How to get through it" Is my course on grief, available from GenerousMarriage.com

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction has information and exercises that will help you manage all your feelings and heal more quickly.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Dealing with Disappointment or failure

Dr. Romance writes:

OK, so you're disappointed. Your dream has ended in the trash. So, after you get finished with laying on the floor, kicking your heels, and screaming; or going on a drunken binge, or beating someone up, you find you're still disappointed, and all that acting out hasn't fixed anything Now what do you do? Disappointment is a dead-end in your road. Now you need to figure out a new direction.

When what you're doing in a job or relationship or to pursue a dream is not working no matter what you try, and you've gotten some expert advice (relationship counseling, therapy or coaching) that it's not going to work, it's probably time to move on.

Check to see if you are resisting doing what you know you need to do to make it work, and if you won't or can't do it, then you're wasting your time and energy, and it's time to change directions. If you gave it your best shot, and you know it's over, don't waste time in resentment and anger. It will hold you back.

If you need to get some therapy to help you through this transition, do it, so you can grieve what's lost (even if you ended it, you've lost your hopes and dreams) and move your focus on to building a good life in your new circumstance.  Make sure you take care of yourself emotionally, financially and physically. You'll feel a lot less resentment if you keep yourself together and in good health.

This is an important time to have your friends or family around you, you need support. Don't isolate, you don't have to go right out and start something new again (in fact, I suggest going slow with that) but you should have a social life with friends and family. Even if you don't think you feel ready to see people, see your closest friends and spend time with them. They'll help you heal, and remind you that you still have people who love you.

Here are some hints:

DO put it in perspective If you're disappointed, it hurts, but your life is not over. Look to your future, and see what you can do to make it better.

DO understand that you had some control, but not total control over this. Look at what happened. What caused your loss? You can improve your team effort, your skills, your spirit and look forward to the next event. On the other hand, don't blame yourself for the things you couldn't control. Take a balanced view.

DON'T give up No one is a failure until they quit. Don't quit when you're behind. Instead, get determined to do better.

DO try to learn from the experience Every disappointment is a teaching moment. You can learn from whatever went wrong. Re-play your tapes (mental or actual) of the event, and figure out how you can do better.

DON'T expect anyone to sympathize beyond the first few moments. Sympathy is OK for a short while, but it debilitates you in the long run. You'll feel better if you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the game.

Adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: It seems to be going in a circle.

Dear Dr. Romance,

I would like your advice in my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been living together for a year and a half and known each other for 3 years. He calls me names and puts me down when I try to communicate with him and every time i want to break it off he tells me we should try again but it seems to be going in a circle.

Dear Reader:

It sounds like nothing is changing in your relationship, so please understand that nothing is likely to change. You can't talk him into being a nicer guy. If he was a nice guy, he'd be treating you better. Pay attention to what your boyfriend does, not what he says. If his actions don't change, then he's not maturing, and you won't get anywhere with him. "Less Talk, More Action" will show you how to make sure he hears you.  It's time for a change.  "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" will help you find a guy who's grown up enough to really care about you.  Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences can help you learn the relationship skills you need to understand a guy and create a successful relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Am I wrong for asking for more time for us?

Dear Dr. Romance,

I've been in a relationship for 6 1/2 years with a man I can see myself marrying and growing old.  The first 4 years we were on our long distance relationship because I was in college in another state. We then lived together for a year to realize we could work out in the future and not kill each other: chores, cooking, finances worked out great. Afterwards, my boyfriend decided he wanted to move out because it wasn't appropriate living together if we weren't married and he say " he wanted to do it the right way." He said, " I know now we can live together but we should wait until we are married." He moved back to his parents. It has been 5 months since he moved out and I've been noticing a problem that my boyfriend refuses to see. My boyfriend doesn't always make the best decisions in dividing time for his family, friends, and me.. his girlfriend.

For example, most of the weeknights (Monday- Friday) he is out with his friends on movie night or beer night at a bar or running errands with them..etc. The weekend comes and he decides those are the days he should spend with his family...leaving the night of Friday or Sunday for me. I do not know if I am in any position to demand more time but I strongly feel that it isn't fair for him to spend more time with his friends on weeknights when he could be at home with his family.. I'm also not telling him to spend every day with his family but just to manage his time better. I only see him for maybe one or two hours during the week and for him to spend 3 long nights out with his friends and just 1 for me isn't' fair....Am I wrong for asking more time for us?

In addition, I also keep myself busy in the week ( doing aerobics or dance classes). I thought if I took up an activity to keep busy; he would find the time for us like move his schedule to fit me into his life (I always feel like I am looking for him). Lately, our last discussion on this issue again left at him saying  "well it's not my fault you have belly dancing classes on Wednesday, and I just don't want to go swimming tomorrow so I don't want to spend my day with you doing something I don't want to do." I feel lost and don't know what to do. Am I asking too much? Am I wrong? I don't know what the next step is for us. I don't know when we will have time for " just us two" ( that was the last thing I told him)

 

Dear Reader:

It sounds like your boyfriend is acting like a boy, not a responsible man. It's not wrong for you to ask for what you want. Relationships aren't about who's right and who's wrong, they're about finding solutions that work for both of you. Talk to your guy. Tell him you can't marry him if he doesn't value you. You've made it too easy for him. Try being unavailable when he wants to see you, not just when he's already busy. It's good that you're keeping busy, so get busy on the weekends, too, so you get to turn him down. He's taking you for granted. You have to end this pattern now, or it will just get worse as your relationship goes on. Don't be too easily available. Be unavailable until he asks you why, then tell him you don't feel that he values you, and you can't marry him until you get that worked out. Then negotiate, and take a hard stance. He doesn't need to be out with his friends that much. His statement "I don't want to spend my day with you doing something I don't want to do," is self-centered and uncaring. I think you can help him to grow up, but only by giving him the experience of not getting what he wants.  Your New Year's resolution could be learning to set limits and say no.  "Setting Boundaries and Saying No" will help you.

How is your relationship with his family? Can you join in on some of these family evenings? You should belong there, if you're going to marry him. If your relationship with his family isn't good, it's important to fix that, or he'll always choose them over you. "Gentle Persistence" will help you stand your ground and "Asking for What You Want"  will show you how to ask effectively. "Stupid Cupid" will tell you what you and your boyfriend need to talk about before you are ready to make a commitment.

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences Is full of information and exercises for you to do by yourself and with your partner that will help you create a working relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I Still Miss Him Terribly

Dear Dr. Romance:

My husband/best friend crossed-over a few years ago and I still miss him terribly. I think of him every day and his essence is is always with me. I am still in love with him and cannot imagine having a relationship with another man. At this time, however, I have two male companions with benefits. I enjoy each of them but emotionally I can only love them as good friends. I do not feel capable or even want to release my heart to any man because it is still so torn and broken. Is what I am doing with these two male friends ok? I get personal gratification spending time with each and have explained to them that I do not want a relationship just a companion. They are both fine with the situation and there is no concern about STD's. I care for them very much but I cannot get past the block I have on my emotions and the fear of being hurt again. I am just not ready for rejection or loss in a deeper love situation. I really don't know if I will ever be ready unless I can get to a point where I am able to put my husband in a smaller compartment of my heart and emotions; still loving him but allowing room for someone else. Do you think this is possible for me?

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know how long you were married, but I do hear how deep your love is. The loss of such a relationship requires a lot of grieving -- several years. It sounds like you're beginning to come out of the grief, and after more time passes you'll feel more ready for a new commitment. Yes, I think it's definitely possible, and even likely.  Because so many people are grieving these days, I've created a course: "Grief: What it is, Why we have it, and How to get through it "

I'm glad you have found some enjoyable companions. It's your own decision to have whatever relationships you want, and as long as everyone involved is OK with it, no one, including me, has a right to approve or disapprove. Take your time, enjoy what you can, and continue your healing and grieving. You'll get beyond your hurt and loss, no matter how unbelievable that sounds. "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again"  will help you understand your grief process.  No one will ever replace your late husband; any new relationship you have, however loving and long-lasting, will be entirely different from the one you lost.  The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty helps you create a journal process to reevaluate and reorganize your life and relationships.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com