Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: Why is there no support line for men?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Thank you for writing "Lighten Up - Cures for Marital Boredom."  Please allow me to give my opinion as to my priorities. I always had the idea to start from the bottom of your list and go upwards. Work together to create a partnership. Sex is important in life, but not number one as to your list. Unless a couple iron out their difficulties, of what ever nature. the problem remains hidden for next time to crop up. If a wife at home works as a maid, then a cook, phones her friends to know news about them, and by 6:30 PM she is off to bed; Is this the married life?

It was never my intention, in nearly 40 years together, I received 5 birthday cards, but funny enough, she reminds every one three weeks before her birthday. If she doesn't treat me the same way I treat her, how can we have a smooth life? I never missed her birthday/or a present. But she asks: How much does it cost? The price is beyond, its the respect, perhaps that's what we could afford.

In my bloody country is a craze, about marriage/women beaten. Instead of setting up a helping line, they are influencing women to leave home. I do not support beating, but, this system is not the solution. Even for the state to pass laws, we must find out why. Why is there no support line for men? Keep giving your good work, perhaps we meet in heaven.

Dear Reader:

You have to begin wherever you can. Find a way to talk to your wife. She probably has some confused ideas about marriage, but I'm sure she can learn. Ask her what she wants in a husband, besides gifts. That will get a conversation started. Tell her you would like to improve your relationship with her. Ask her to tell you the things she tells her friends, if she will. When she gets the idea that you will listen to her, she'll be more likely to listen to you. Culture is often a problem in every relationship, in every country.  We have to work together with our partners to transcend culture and create relationships that work for us, despite the traditions and myths. "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will explain how you and your wife can work together to be happier. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition has a lot of excellent information and exercises you can use to open up your communication and begin to work together.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I just do the best I can to stay in my loving heart.

Dear Dr. Romance:

Quite honestly, all the info in "Lighten Up - Cures for Marital Boredom" is great, but if your list of recommendations were a test, we have failed everyone or most of them. I am walking lightly around here, just knowing, somehow, somewhere in time, we will find our way back into each others space, or away from all this, when the survival mode is no more, for now, I just do the best I can to stay in my loving heart. Have a delicious day.

Dear Reader:

They're not a test, they're things for you to try out. Instead of being resigned try having fun. If he won't do it with you, then try doing it by yourself, but in his presence. Laugh at funny videos, turn on a comedy show, put on some good music and dance around. You'll feel better, and he will eventually be tempted to have some fun, too.

Dr. Romance on Getting What You Want:

If you have difficulty in knowing what you want and communicating it, try these steps:

1. Get clear about what you want: You can’t express what you want effectively if you’re not clear what it is, so before approaching your partner, your boss or your child with a request, think about it and make sure you can write it down in one clear sentence. 

2. Create a good atmosphere: If asking for what you want is difficult for you, don’t do it without preparation. Make sure you and the person you’re asking both have time, and invite the other person to sit down and talk with you.

3. Simply state what you want: Don’t preface your statement with a lot of disclaimers – they make the other person feel accused of something. Just ask, politely, for what you want.

4. Be prepared to accept a “no.”: Remember, if you can’t accept a no answer, then you’re making a demand, not a request, so have a backup solution. Find a way to get what you want for yourself, even if the other person isn’t cooperating. For example, if you don’t get that raise you deserve, maybe it’s time to begin a job search. 

5. Listen politely to the other person’s answer: Whether the other person says yes, no, or something in between -- listen carefully to what he or she says. Don’t get all caught up in a lot of worry and noise inside your head – pay attention. You need to know what the answer is.

If you follow these steps, you’ll find you’re successful a good percentage of the time, and when you aren’t you have a backup plan – so you really can’t lose.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will help you understand your husband, and then help him to understand you better, too. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Learning Forgiveness

Dr. Romance  writes: Learning to forgive those who hurt us is an essential life skill, because it helps develop inner maturity, frees us from emotional bondage to the other person, and helps us develop the power to move on.

Forgiveness begins with learning to forgive yourself for any damage you may have done to yourself and others with destructive habits and for allowing others (beginning with your family, and including later adult relationships) to be unkind or abusive to you or take advantage of or disrespect you.

 

My definition of forgiveness is a bit different than you may have been taught.  The dictionary defines to forgive as "to give up resentment of", which I have found is nearly impossible if you’ve been really hurt – often there are too many real injuries to forgive. It can also be unwise,  because resentment is like a reminder to yourself to "watch out -- this hurt me before".  Ignoring the past and forgiving others who may still be abusing you now ("He didn't mean to beat me up, he was just drunk" ) gets you hurt or mistreated over and over again.  Dependency is often perpetuated by being “nice,” forgiving and forgetting that someone has hurt you, and not confronting the person or ending the relationship.

   

Forgiving yourself for past destructive behavior, if not based on a real, inner change of attitudes ("it wasn't my fault, I had a rough childhood."; "I can't help it, my anger just takes over.") becomes dysfunctional permissiveness and self pity. Forgiving yourself without learning from your destructive behavior, and without determining how to change, is aptly termed denial by recovery programs.  If you don't recognize the consequences of your destructive behavior, and accept responsibility for it, you have no incentive to change. 

 

However, simply hanging on to resentment will not really protect you, or allow you to let go of the past and move on in your life.  As long as you hold onto the resentment, you will feel like a helpless, hopeless, dependent victim of your past history.  You do need to learn to forgive, but just giving up resentment is not sufficient. You need a new model of what forgiveness is.

 

The need to forgive may include several things:

*You may need to forgive yourself for doing emotional, mental or physical damage to others.

*You may need to forgive yourself for doing emotional, mental or physical damage to yourself.

*You may need to forgive yourself for letting others damage you in those ways.

*You may need to forgive others (parents, children, spouses, friends) for hurting themselves in all the above ways.

*You may need to forgive others for doing emotional, mental or physical damage to you.

 

Safely and honestly forgiving all these past hurts is not accomplished by simply giving up resentment. First you must find a way to be safe from future damage and abuse.  Once you have learned how to create safety you can rely on, and you know you have the ability to protect yourself from damage, and to prevent yourself from causing damage, forgiving past destructive behavior, (your own and others') becomes easy, because you are no longer threatened. When you have real reasons for resentment, both against others and against yourself;  the assurance that you can take care of yourself so that you won't be hurt again is the only thing that makes true forgiveness possible.

 

Recognizing the consequences of your own destructive behavior and taking responsibility for it does not mean punishing yourself; it means becoming aware of the ideas and feelings that are behind your behavior, and learning how to change them. It is possible to love and approve of yourself now and still be aware that you have allowed yourself to be damaged by yourself and others, and that those experiences have been painful and destructive.  If you've caused yourself pain in the past by being involved with abusive people, you can learn to understand your inner reasons for feeling dependent on such abusive people.  By using your inner awareness and the following exercise, you can change the patterns that keep you helpless in such relationships.

 

If your own behavior has been damaging to yourself or others, you don't have to continually blame and punish yourself in order to remember the consequences of destructive behavior.  Instead, you can use your inner awareness to find the deep inner feelings and beliefs underlying your behavior and make the necessary changes. 

 

Although it is often not possible to prevent others from hurting themselves or attempting to hurt you, you can take steps to see that their rage and destructive behavior does not threaten or damage you. Remembering who hurt you is not the same as condemning them. You can be wary of their out-of-control or problematic behavior, and recognize that they are fallible human beings, too, and often more damaged by childhood experience than you were, and that until they repair their own damage, as you are repairing yours, you must keep a safe distance.  In fact, the possibility that someone might lose you, or that you will keep a safe distance because of his or her destructive behavior, is often the only type of confrontation that will cause him or her to accept responsibility for bad behavior.

 

The following exercise will help you to learn new ways to cope with situations where you were hurt by others.  Through visualization, you can learn to protect yourself from others by rehearsing and changing old painful scenes as many times as you need to make sure you know how to take care of yourself.

 

It is not easy to be sure an old behavior problem (your own or someone else's) is gone forever.  Even when you or the other person has done inner work to correct the problem, in a situation of enough stress it may still return.  This exercise will help you learn how to take care of yourself in difficult and painful situations, and give you a chance to practice various solutions and responses until you find the ones that work, without risking any real- life consequences.  This is learning to care for yourself in very realistic terms, and it begins with healing old, painful scenes.

 

This exercise will help you to take control of events in your past and replace them with new, more effective behavior. I believe “Time Travel” is the single most powerful exercise you can do to clear out old traumas and build autonomous skills, including the ones that keep you safe from emotional, mental, or physical harm.  It will help you develop the self-protection needed to achieve forgiveness and let go of damaging behavior, situations and people. 

 

Through consistent use and practice of this exercise, you will no longer need resentment to protect you, because you have learned how to ensure your safety.  You will be able to release and forgive old hurts, recognizing that the people who caused them (yourself included) didn't know any better ways of behaving at the time.  As you learn how to protect and care for yourself, you will also learn how to recognize when others are uncaring, and what to do about it. 

 

You can use this exercise to heal various hurts.  For example, if you're having a recurring dream that troubles you, you can use this exercise to replay the dream, and it won't bother you any more.  By using scenes from your present or future (a quarrel with your current mate, or an encounter that you're afraid will happen with someone who's angry at you) you can use “Time Travel” to practice risk taking (rehearse in advance social events where you'll meet new people, or talk to someone you've been shy around).

 

To allow yourself the full impact of the exercise, without interruption, read the following steps into a  tape recorder and play them back.

EXERCISE

TIME TRAVEL

 

1. Visualize the source of anger or pain: To begin, sit quietly by yourself, and close your eyes. Visualize yourself in a painful scene from the past.  You will learn how to correct the scene, take care of yourself, forgive whoever created the problem, and forgive yourself for your own participation. Allow the troubling scene from your memory to appear around yourself. You may get a mental picture, or if not, just imagine the scene as you remember it.   Remember to use your senses, to establish your scene clearly. If your scene is very painful, or frightening, view the scene as objectively as you can, as though it is a story about someone else.   

2. Enter the scene as a hero. Like a time traveler from the future, visualize yourself in the scene as the person you are today. There will be two of you present, your self who had the original experience, plus the you from today, who will fix things. 

3. Take charge of the scene.  Now it's time to take over the story and protect yourself. Do whatever is needed to stop whoever is upsetting, hurting or neglecting you.  If the other person is too badly behaved,  you can make them leave-- you have total power here, in your imagination. Use that power to protect yourself.  It often helps to surround yourself with loving people, or to call in the police if the scene is violent. 

4. Take care of yourself.   The early version of you may be frightened, angry, confused, feeling helpless, or overwhelmed with grief -- the "heroic you" can be rational, effective, competent and reassuring.  You may encounter some resistance to doing this, in the form of feeling incapable of taking care of yourself. You can do this over and over in your mind until you get it right.  You can try to fix the situation in several different ways, before you decide which is best.  Remove yourself from danger; comfort and reassure; correct any lies you were told by telling the (positive) truth and establish a friendship with yourself. If your former self needs some information or help, provide it.  Promise that you will never be left at the mercy of ignorant, malicious, incompetent, or uncomprehending people again. 

5. When you feel safe, consider forgiveness.  When you have corrected the scene enough that you are out of danger and feeling safe, think about what happened.  Analyze what went wrong and who made mistakes, and decide how to avoid being the victim of those same mistakes again.  Once you know you will not be hurt again (because you'll do what it takes to protect yourself,) you'll find that you are ready to forgive whomever hurt you, and will understand that they just don't know how to behave. 

6. Go to a safe place. Close the scene by visualizing yourself in a safe, secure place, completely out of danger.  Promise yourself that you'll be there when you're needed, and you’ll be careful, strong and self-protective. This means that you will not leave yourself alone, dependent, or at the mercy of people who are hurtful, and you will not be “nice” and allow someone to hurt you.   Do not leave the scene until you feel calm and secure.

6. Repeat regularly. After you have done “Time Travel” the first time, you can keep your promise to keep yourself safe (and build self-trust) by checking in with yourself as often as needed, until it becomes an unconscious habit. Doing this exercise repeatedly, whenever old, painful memories arise, will eventually clear out traumas and correct the damage done while helping you practice the autonomous skills needed to take care of yourself. You'll find that you instinctively know when someone or something is hurtful to you, and when you're being hurtful to others.  You'll also know what to do to correct the situation, (don't be alone with violent or emotionally hurtful people, don't allow yourself to be in tempting or dangerous situations, and so on) and you'll feel safe enough to forgive those who are confused and behave in hurtful ways, because their behavior will no longer be dangerous to you.

 

Overcoming your resistance to facing yourself and becoming aware of your inner feelings and beliefs, and learning how to care for yourself effectively, and to release the hold the past has on you, helps you develop emotional autonomy.  The more adept you become at self-awareness, learning and forgiveness, the more autonomous you can be.  The hurts of the past can be healed, and you can feel capable of taking care of yourself. When you feel stronger than those who attempt to hurt you, forgiveness comes naturally.  (From It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction)   

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I love him to death but if I can't find a solution

Dear Dr. Romance,

My name is Michelle i am 18 years old.. I was reading "How Not to Fight"; and everything that you talked about not doing during a fight I tend to do. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we tend to fight a lot about the smallest things that you could possibly imagine. I am usually the one who doesn't blow up or yell. I tend to hold everything in, but I do cry a lot.

He says really hurtful things that hurt my feelings. When I do get mad I try to win the fight and prove my point instead of trying to find the solution like you say.  When he gets mad he yells and even calls me names like a bitch or a dumbass, which hurts my feelings.. and I tell him constantly that I don't like when he does that because I don't do that to him so why does he do that to me and his response is because I act dumb. but in all honesty doctor I don't think I act dumb. I just like to talk about ways to improve our relationship and he is a very closed person he doesn't share his feelings.. well now he doesn't.  

We had been broken up for 7 months and we recently got back together. and during the 7 months of us being broke up I dated 3 guys. but I never took them seriously per say. I went on a couple of dates with one of them and the other 2 I went on 1 date each. but when I was with those guys I realized I wanted to be with my ex (3 year guy), but I had no way to contact him. he dated 5 girls while we were apart. now that we are back together all he talks about is what I did with those guys. but the thing is I don't ask him because it has nothing to do with me what he did with those girls so why is he asking me. He constantly throws it in my face that I dated 3 guys, but isn't he being a hypocrite? Since all he is concerned about is what I did with those guys we can't have a healthy relationship because all he does is fight with me.  Before we had broken up he would be very affectionate and be very understanding and caring, but now what is left of our relationship is horrible. I love him to death but if I can't find a solution to this we are going to have to break up for good; so please help me/us.

Dear Reader:

I'm not sure why you're with such an abusive guy. You need to learn to stand up for yourself, and not accept name-calling and abuse from him. You may have to break off the relationship again and then give him conditions for getting back together. He thinks it's OK to control you, and he won't listen to you tell him it's not, so you have to act on it. You will get treated in the way you accept. If he starts yelling, calling you names, and being abusive, leave. Even if it's nighttime, in a restaurant or in front of friends, just get up silently and leave. Grow up and get in control of your own behavior. Read "Setting Boundaries and Saying No" and get a copy of my book, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together  to understand more about how not to fight. You deserve a much better relationship than this jerk can give you. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Should I give up on his love?

Dear Dr. Romance:

We'd been really close and intimate. I thought we were going to be in a special relationship soon because he told me we were having something special. No matter how tired he was, he'd had his dinner with me.

He got paranoid every time I threatened to stop talking to him when he got me all jealous. recently I was questioning him texting other girls and we brought up the 'freedom' matter. He thinks it's a freedom to text any girls he wants to.  He knows how much it'd hurt me every time I think of him doing that. I asked him if I was just an ordinary friend to him and he suggested that we'd be best friends, just like what he's doing with some other girls!  He said he didn't want to hurt me anymore and that he didn't want to confuse himself but he wants to remain close with me?

Eventually I made up my mind that I should stop any form of contact, at all. Did I make the right move, for I know it'd definitely hurt me more to be his "best friend" while loving him. Loving someone but not getting to own that person? It's going to hurt me more, isn't it?

Just when I think about all the things he'd done, like, having dinner with me although he was so darn tired etc. etc., it makes me think that it's a waste to give up on this love. =(

Dear Reader:

Yes, you made the right move. He's not even close to being ready for a relationship, or he just doesn't care very much about you. This is not love. He may be kind, but he's not caring. He doesn't have enough integrity to commit. He's not done messing around, and if you take the relationship seriously, while he's not, you're going to experience a lot of pain. Be friends with him if you want to, but stop looking for more. Find someone else to love.  "When Love is Kind"  will help you recognize the importance of kindness in a relationship.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will show you a fun, safe and effective way to find a guy who can really care about you. Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will give you a better idea of what a successful relationship is.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: How do I flirt to grab a guy's attention?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'd like to learn something flirty and funny that will grab a guys attention!?
 I am going bowling with my crush and a group of friends (I never talk to my crush so this is huge!) and I am trying to think of some cute flirty things to say! Any suggestions? Examples please :) -Like lets say I make a mistake and get a gutter ball or fall or something what is something flirty and cute I can say? - Or lets say he is pretty good at bowling- what's a good cute comment?! Stuff like that :) 

Dear Reader:

Guys like to feel competent, so congratulating him on his bowling skill is great. Don't try too hard to be flirty and funny: you could easily come off silly and awkward. Instead, make eye contact, respond to what he's saying or doing, and ask him for help with your bowling. You don't need to create a false personality to attract him. You want him attracted to you, as you are. Just look good (but not slutty) and be alert to whatever he's saying and doing.  "Turn on Your Charm" has more detailed flirting tips. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has the specific conversations you're looking for, plus a lot more tips and exercises to help you get over your self-consciousness.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: Infidelity -- Stay or Go?

Discovering your partner has been unfaithful is a shock. Your first instinct may be to run, but if you have a shared history, children and finances, you may wonder – should you stay or go?

Dr. Romance shows you how to decide.

When you get the devastating news that your spouse has had an affair, how do you decide whether to stay or go? Because you feel betrayed, your first impulse is usually anger, and wanting to leave – fight or flight. But, after you calm down, you realize there’s a lot you’ll lose, and you may have children to consider.

Don’t make an instant decision you may regret later, after the damage is done. It’s possible to find an extraordinary love after divorcing late in life, but most of my clients report the potential partners out there are no better than the ones they left.

While I don't think you should stay and suffer if nothing’s working, in my practice I see many couples who do the work and wind up happier than before. The affair may have happened after long-standing problems in the marriage, which can actually be corrected to the satisfaction of both partners. Often dissatisfaction grows from resentment, and the root causes can be fixed with the help of counseling.

If both partners are willing to change what’s not working, a marriage can be improved can be turned into a satisfying life of enjoyable companionship.

I also see a fair number of couples who get back together after a divorce, because they had a chance to see what it’s like to be alone, and to calm down and get over petty resentments. Unfortunately, now they’re a lot poorer because of the costs of the divorce, dividing up property, and so on.  "Infidelity: Stay or Go" gives you some reasons to stay or go:

Top 5 reasons to stay:

*Your spouse truly recognizes he or she has a problem, and is willing to get help to fix it, and to be accountable for rebuilding trust.

*You two are going to counseling, and understanding why the affair happened, and how to fix the problems.

*You're getting your own sex life back on track, if it was off track.

*You have a long, shared history, joint finances, and family ties that make it worth keeping the marriage together.

*You still love each other, and it's clearly mutual.

Top 5 reasons to go:

*Your spouse is in denial, makes excuses, and blames you. This means he or she is invested in the cheating behavior, and not ready to change.

*You have had it, no longer feel connected, and are not willing to work on it. Be sure this isn't just temporary anger.

*You are prepared to be on your own.

*You either have no children, they're grown, or you're certain a divorce will be better for them than what's going on.

*Your spouse refuses to give up the other relationship, or infidelity in general.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Do I surprise her with a gift?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I know I feel strongly about a certain someone. Do I surprise her with a gift or e-mail her with my recent feelings through a tough time?

Dear Reader:

It sounds like you're way ahead of yourself and her. I think a gift would be completely out of line at this point. If she's responded well, have you had a date yet? Asked her out for coffee? You're right to be scared about overdoing it. You can't force a relationship by declaring your love. Save that for after you've dated for a while.  Take it one step at a time. If you haven't asked her out, just ask her. If you've been dating for a while, ask her how she feels about commitment and relationships.  "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  will help you be successful with this woman or another.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today can help you with these questions.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Is it more important to be balanced or compatible?

Dear Dr. Romance:

What  is more important in a relationship: being balanced or compatible?

Dear Reader:

 Compatibility trumps balance, but balance may be an important component of compatibility. Compatibility means having similar core values, living together well and comfortably, and being able to talk through problems and reach a mutually satisfactory solution.  Balance is similar to mutuality.  

Differences can be frightening, and make resolving problems and conflicts with our intimate partners tense and difficult. In a relationship intimate enough that we feel a deep bonding or sense of commingled identity, it’s easy to experience disagreements as threatening. Disagreeing seems to indicate we are separate individuals who perceive everything differently, and have different needs and wants, and we fear that we'll be rejected or disapproved of if we are different.

With good communication and negotiation skills, any couple can create satisfying, loving intimacy. When you and your partner know how to cooperate, you can build a partnership in which you:

• Give and take equally.
• Are committed to mutual satisfaction.
• Face problems rather than avoiding them.
• Work together toward mutual satisfaction.
• Feel like a team.
• Treat each other's feelings, wants and needs as important.
• Share thoughts and feelings freely.
• Encourage each other and create excitement as well as comfort and security.
• Feel comfortable, satisfied, stimulated, and thus secure in the relationship.
• Have confidence that your relationship will last.

"Couples Can Cooperate For Success" will help you understand how to achieve mutuality.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition contains information and exercises to help you learn mutuality and cooperation with your partner.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Is it possible to love someone without ever dating them?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Is it possible to love someone without ever dating them? If so, how can you tell that you are in love? 

Dear Reader:

Yes, it's possible to fall in love without dating. For example, if you have a close friend, classmate, work associate, neighbor or friend of a friend that you have spent time with (without dating) you can become attached. Most of the time, however, loving someone from afar has a strong fantasy component, which can be misleading. You don't really know if it's real love without direct experience of the other person face to face. Also, it won't be lasting love if it's not reciprocal. The following tips will help you figure it out:

Dr. Romance's 3 tips to finding true love:

 1. Know the difference between fooling around and building a real relationship. You can mess around with anyone (if you understand the deal and have safe sex) but before you bring someone into your life, or share money or living space, remember they're bringing baggage. Know what's hidden –what's not said at the beginning. Their baggage becomes your problem. Remember, whoever you're dating is on best behavior. It gets worse later, not better.

2. Understand your own needs. Need a lot of space? Want lots of affection? Have to know what's going on all the time? Like to share everything? Or are you able to relax and go with the flow? Whatever your style is, it's OK, but you need to know it and be able to communicate it to your future spouse. You can teach each other, if you both know what you need.

3. Don't seek romance, seek partnership. Romance is for dates, and fun to have on occasion in your marriage, but it's partnership that will get you through the rough times. Don't look for someone who sweeps you off your feet. That indicates a control freak, and you won't like what happens later. Look for someone who likes give-and-take, who seeks your opinion and considers it, who cares about what you want, too.

"Stupid Cupid" and "Is It Love?" will give you more information on how to tell if you're in true love, and Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today covers everything you need to know about dating and developing a relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Asking for What you Want

Dr. Romance writes: In my counseling office, I see a lot of relationships damaged because people don’t know how to ask for what they want, or don’t think it’s OK. Whether it's your couple relationship, family connections, friends or work colleagues, not asking for what you want means you’ll eventually resent somebody, and that leads to a lot of strife. So today, I thought I’d give some hints about how to ask for what you want. To really be successful, you need to understand the difference between asking and demanding, and how to approach different people.

The Importance of Wanting
If you don't know what you want, you'll have trouble getting it and experience a life-long feeling of deprivation, disappointment, scarcity, and resentment. When you aren't able to express what you want clearly you'll have difficulty feeling generous about your partner's or friend's wants and needs.

In your relationship, asking for what you want in a helpful, non-threatening way helps both you and your partner understand each other. If you don’t know what you want, you won’t realize if you achieve it. If you don't know what your partner wants, you can wind up with a false or one-sided solution, that will leave one or both of you feeling unsatisfied, overpowered, or manipulated. In couple counseling, when I ask partners to state their wants they often discover to their amazement that their wants are quite similar, and the problem disappears. The conflict between them was only their lack of understanding and communication.

Being clear about what you want is like putting all the true facts on the table, just as you lay all the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle out, so you can see them better, and more easily solve your puzzle.

Difference between wanting and demanding
Much of the confusion about expressing wants occurs because no distinction is made between wanting and demanding. Stating what you want is an effort to communicate clearly, so you and your partner can both be satisfied, while demanding is insisting that your partner give you what you want, without regard for his or her wants and feelings. You can tell the difference because when you are asking, you can handle getting a no answer; when you are demanding, you get upset if what you're asking for is denied. When you ask for what you want, you need to have a back-up plan in case the other person doesn't agree.

You need to know how to ask for what want directly, and in a rational, not emotional manner. Your partner will respond much better to “Honey, will you take out the garbage?” than to a whiney “The garbage can is overflowing, and it smells bad.” or "I have to do everything around here.” 

Learn to listen to your partner's feelings when you want something. Some people do not respond well to a direct request, they do better when feelings are talked about. Saying “Wait till the game is over, honey.” may be received as not caring about feelings. “I'm sorry it's bothering you, sweetheart, I'll take it out as soon as there's a commercial break.” will let your partner know you care about what he or she wants, and your partner will be happier with it, even though the result is the same. However, if you ask for a postponement of the chore, be sure and do it when the time comes.

How NOT to get what you want: (Common mistakes)
• Exaggerate your want: The fear that you may not get what you want may cause you to say you want more than you really do, (“I want you here all the time”). This is confusing to both you and your partner, and because your wants are exaggerated, makes it look much more difficult to reach a satisfactory solution than it really is.
• Overstate your need: The fear that you won't get your wants met may cause you to state what you want as if your survival depended on it (“I'll just DIE if you don't come with me”). This causes your partner to feel suspicious that he or she is being manipulated, and resist cooperating with you.
• Argue for or justify your want: Anxiety that your wants are not important enough to be satisfied may lead you to present them as a persuasive argument, with an overwhelming flood of reasons why you should want them or that the wants should be satisfied, (“I should get more of the money than you do, because .......”). This can provoke your partner to object and argue in return, rather than listen.
• Not say what you want: Belief that you won't get what you want anyway, or that differences in wants will cause a fight, may lead you to say you “don't care” or “it's not important” or just be silent, when the truth is you'll resent not getting what you want.
• Understate your want: Fear that your partner will be upset, hurt or unhappy if you say what you really want may lead you to ask for something else (“Let’s ask your sister to go with us” when you really want an evening all alone together.) This confuses your partner, and makes it impossible to get what you really want because you haven't said what it is.

The Importance of Knowing What you Want
You may be wondering why being clear about what you want is getting so much emphasis here. Many people have serious trouble knowing what they want, feeling comfortable communicating it, and stating it clearly. Many people have difficulty solving problems because they do not know what they want, or, if they do know, cannot express it effectively to someone else.

We often grow up suppressing our desires -- sometimes to the extent of not even being aware of them. Most of us learn in early childhood that:

• Wanting is selfish and that we should be polite and let others wants come first (“Be polite, let Susie have the toy”)
• It isn't OK to want (“Don't even ask me for a cookie just before dinner”)
• We want too much (“of course you can't have a new toy, do you think I'm made of money?”)
• If we get what we want, someone else will be deprived.

These internalized criticisms and restrictions make us anxious about getting what we want and even convinced that we won't.

In addition to all these other restrictions on wanting, you may have the idea that the consequences of wanting are bad (no one will like you), and so it is too scary to know what you want. Because knowing what you want sometimes means you risk being disappointed and many people have an exaggerated idea of how bad disappointment feels (if I don't get what I want I'll be miserable), they avoid wanting at all.

Steps to Getting What You Want:
If you have difficulty in knowing what you want and communicating it, try these steps:

1. Get clear about what you want: You can’t express what you want effectively if you’re not clear what it is, so before approaching your partner, your boss or your child with a request, think about it and make sure you can write it down in one clear sentence.

2. Create a good atmosphere: If asking for what you want is difficult for you, don’t do it without preparation. Make sure you and the person you’re asking both have time, and invite the other person to sit down and talk with you.

3. Simply state what you want: Don’t preface your statement with a lot of disclaimers – they make the other person feel accused of something. Just ask, politely, for what you want.

4. Be prepared to accept a “no.”: Remember, if you can’t accept a no answer, then you’re making a demand, not a request, so have a backup solution. Find a way to get what you want for yourself, even if the other person isn’t cooperating. For example, if you don’t get that raise you deserve, maybe it’s time to begin a job search.

5. Listen politely to the other person’s answer: Whether the other person says yes, no, or something in between, listen carefully to what he or she says. Don’t get all caught up in a lot of worry and noise inside your head – pay attention. You need to know what the answer is.

If you follow these steps, you’ll find you’re successful a good percentage of the time, and when you aren’t you have a backup plan – so you really can’t lose.
adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr Romance: Should I date my girlfriend's best friend?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I need relationship advice!!!? I have been with my girlfriend for 4 months now and her best friend who's a girl is also my best friend and I'm very close with the best friend. me and my girlfriend do fight a lot but there are times where I'm in love with her. and me and the friend have talked bout a few times what it would be like if we went out and know it would be good cause we have similar interest and sense of humor and trust each other so much but i don't what to do so a little advice will help

Dr. Romance Replies:

Haven't you learned anything from the many other fiascoes of famous men who don't respect their relationships? You're about to create a disaster here. And I really don't understand what her best friend is thinking either. I'm glad she's not my best friend. She's more like a worst enemy.

Either break up with your girlfriend, and let some time pass before dating her friend, or just concentrate on fixing the relationship you've got. If you just act on your impulse, you'll ruin several friendships and create a big problem for yourself. Use your brain. "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" will give you some help in fixing your present relationship, if you should decide to do the right thing. How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will help you understand what it takes to get what you want from a relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: What can an older man do to win a younger woman?

Dear Dr. Romance:    

I enjoyed your article: Age Differences in Dating Do you have any articles about younger women dating older men? I'm interested in the younger woman's motivations, and what the older man can say and do to will her affections.
   
Have you written any articles on this or do you know of any books or articles that relates to this? I'm an older guy, interested in younger women, and just needed a basic idea as to what to do. I suppose my specific question is what's the psychology behind a young woman's motivation for an older man? What attracts her to him besides his money and why?

Dear Reader:

Young women who like older men are usually looking for  someone who will take charge, take care of them and protect  them.  That is not always what they get.  The first thing I'd do is examine why you want a younger woman?  If you just want "arm candy" you're probably going to have to pay for it.  Pretty young things don't go usually out with older men unless they're treated extra well.  If you're interested in a particular type of person, focus on that, and not so much on the age.  I've seen many older men wind up alone because they're too focused on age.  It's a common fantasy for lonely older men who are not good at making friends or succeeding in relationships.

Whether or not a relationship is healthy is not determined by age differences, but by the interaction between the partners.  A ten‑year difference is not too difficult to bridge, but differences of twenty years  or more in age can lead to some difficulties as the partners get older.  For example, the younger partner may mature and reconsider his or her choices, or an older partner may confront aging problems much sooner.

As long as both parties are adult, and the couple have talked about the age difference and the future possibilities, I don't make judgements about their ages.  There are healthy and unhealthy reasons to date someone of a different generation.  One motivation for dating a younger person that usually isn't successful would be fear of aging on the older person's part.  Obviously, a man or woman who dates someone as young as his or her children is going to run into some social opposition, but the differences that can cause the most problems are differing maturity levels.  

It depends on what the motivations of both people are.  Some older people feel younger at heart "than their contemporaries, and like to date people who are as active as we are.  Chronological age doesn't always reflect either physical capability or emotional maturity.  Sometimes an age difference is a mentoring relationship; the older person advises the younger one on life or career.  This can backfire when the younger person decides he or she has learned enough, and wants to be more independent.

For more information about creating successful relationships please read "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"; "Aspects of Love"; and "Where is Love?"

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you understand age differences in dating.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm just wondering what I can do for him to like me

Dear Dr. Romance: 

i wear make up skinny jeans hollister shirts cardigans uggs and converse or just boots I love to act sing dance I'm a gr8t actress I'm always working out love to run I'm smart funny short brown hair sometimes jewlery now I have a crush on someone I always talk to him we laugh sometimes I sit next to him at lunch and stuff he seems interested but he won't ask me out last time we talked he was about to ask me to the dance but he didn't idk why but yeh so now I'm just wondering what I can do for him to like me.

 
Dear Reader:  

We're in the modern times, why don't you ask him to have a soda? You don't have to wait. But, after you ask, then let him do the asking next time. Read my article "Asking for What You Want"  You're also way too worried about how you look: laughing and talking and your personality are what will really attract him. A lot of men don't know the difference between an Ugg boot and a flipflop. Read "True Beauty: Honor the God or Goddess in You" to get your act straightened out.  You'll also find good ideas for flirting, opening conversations and beginning a relationship in Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance: Stop Reacting and Start Relating

Dr. Romance writes: After more than 40 years of happy marriage, Richard and I agree there’s no better delight than sharing life with a loving partner, when you get along as well as we do. How to Be Happy Partners: Working It out Together is all about relating instead of fighting, so I thought I’d share an excerpt with you.　

Any willing couple can learn to build a happy relationship if they stop reacting and learn to respond thoughtfully. As an individual you have ideas and beliefs about how certain things in life should be handled, and so does your partner; and we all tend to assume everyone, especially a person who loves us, will see it our way. During dating, you two may have felt that you agreed with each other on everything. But, after you married things changed. You were probably shocked when you realized the object of your affections, your dream come true, the Prince or Princess Charming you fell in love with had different ideas about how life, love, home, finances and children should be.

In well over forty years of counseling, I’ve spent many hours teaching couples techniques and information that allows them to communicate and solve problems, rather than fight endlessly about the same things. In over forty years of marriage, I’ve also learned from my own experience that there’s a big difference between the skills and attitudes one needs to date and fall in love, and what is needed to make married life, home and family work smoothly. There’s a difference between being lovers and being partners, and on top of all that, keeping enough romance and fun alive to make it all feel worthwhile. Those of us who succeed are the blessed ones, the happy ones, and you can be, too.

When you learn a view your relationship as a partnership, rather than a challenge or a competition, you discover new ways to think about sharing and working together to make all your decisions about money, sex and kids mutual ones. With a little information and practice, you can stop fighting and become a successful, happy couple. You can create a partnership that will cause you to feel blessed and happy.

Solving instead of Struggling

According to researcher John Gottman and several other studies, couples who can solve problems successfully together tend to have relationships that last. If you've been through a tough time together, then you’re probably frustrated, hurt and anxious. This erodes your patience and reasonableness with each other, and makes it difficult to think clearly.

Successful couples don’t have any special magic. By trial and error, through counseling, books, and talking to other couples, they figure out how to create a relationship that works. To create a working partnership, you need to teach each other how understand one another, so you can get along. When you’re working together or spending time with each other, instead of complaining, criticizing or resenting each other, try asking each other what you’re thinking about the situation. "I think it would work better to do this--what do you think?" As you listen to each other, and focus on sharing what you know, you’ll grow in understanding and teamwork. Most partners would rather have each other’s company than do it all alone, especially if you're companionable company. The best way to end the ‘who is supposed to do what’ argument is to do it (or at least work it out) together and make it fun. A smart partner will make this as easy as possible: make it fun, affectionate, and focus on becoming a team. Rather than figure out who’s right, couples need to focus on what works, and find ways to motivate each other to work together.

Celebration + Appreciation = Motivation

Motivation comes from celebration and appreciation. When partners get frustrated, they have a tendency to complain to and criticize each other rather than appreciate each other. If you give in to your urge to criticize, you'll mortally wound your marriage. If you want to motivate each other, you need to share as much appreciation and celebration as possible. Work with each other, thank each other, and make doing the work as much fun as possible.

You Can Stop Fighting

If you've had a difficult time with each other, I’m sorry, and I know you’re frustrated, but if you will renew your patience, start working together to fix the problems, and try the information and exercises in How to Be Happy Partners you will see results in a short time. Most of the couples I counsel succeed in fixing their problems, and you can, too. Looking for a solution is the first step toward success. You can learn how to change focus from fighting to developing the ability to talk about what is going on and focus on solving the problem, which leaves a lot more time for having fun and getting things done. Any willing couple can learn to build a happy relationship, and I wish that for you. 

 For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm afraid the age difference means our relationship won't work

Dear Dr. Romance;

I read your article "Age Differences in Dating" I am dating a man who  is 22 yrs, younger than myself.  He appeared older and I appeared younger to him.  Now I'm afraid the age difference means our relationship won't work.  Would you be able to help me with this dilemma?

Dear Reader:

I'm not sure why the age difference is a dilemma.  Whether or not a relationship is healthy is not determined by age differences, but by the interaction between the partners.  A ten-year difference is not too difficult to bridge, but differences of twenty years or more in age can lead to some difficulties as the partners get older.  For example, the younger partner may mature and reconsider his or her choices, or an older partner may confront aging problems much sooner.
 
As long as both parties are adult, and the couple have talked about the age difference and the future possibilities, I don't make judgments about their ages.  There are healthy and unhealthy reasons to date someone of a different generation.  One motivation for dating a younger person that usually isn't successful would be fear of aging on the older person's part.  Obviously, a man or woman who dates someone as young as his or her children is going to run into some social opposition, but the differences that can cause the most problems are differing maturity levels.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will help you resolve this issue, and the articles "Creating Family Acceptance" and "How to Be Irresistible to Your Mate" will help you deal with other people's opinions and create a wonderful, lasting relationships.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Is He Cheating On Me?

Dear Dr. Romance: 

Is he cheating on me? Or am I just being paranoid?  Me and my bf have been together for 15 months now. A couple of weeks ago we broke up and then got back together after a week. When we broke up he kept texting me, asking “Are u happy?” and stuff.

We broke up because he lied to me: he told me he was not going out on that Saturday night; but he did, and didn’t come home for the whole night. I got mad and called one of his friends. As a result we broke up cause he said I don’t TRUST him.

After talking, we decided give it one last chance, so we got back together. Yesterday he was gone a long time. I don’t know, but i feel like he is seeing someone else. The thing is I don’t have any evidence and he keeps telling me I am his only one! What should I do? Should I just trust him? Please help!!!!!!

Dear Reader:

Whether or not he has someone else, something is definitely going on. Maybe he has a drug or gambling problem, instead of another woman. No, don't just trust him. Tell him his behavior is unacceptable, and you can't be in a relationship with him until he grows up. Then break up, and mean it. If he wants to get back together, set some rules for behavior, and if he breaks them, forget him. Don't waste your time hanging on to a guy who won't be honest or commit. That will never work, and you're asking for a lifetime of heartbreak. "Stupid Cupid"  explains what you and your boyfriend should be able to discuss in order to build a working relationship. Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences shows you how to communicate in order to develop a relationship that's real.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Why does he want a relationship?

Dear Dr. Romance:
 
I met this guy through a phone call, but he contacted or got my profile through a friend of mine and he is satisfied through that, and he is convinced that he could have a relationship with me, he needs my affection, fear of God, caring, true feeling of sharing, happiness, my ideology, and philosophy, what he desires most is true love, sincerity and serious relationship. he doesn't want a long courtship because he ready to get married to me, but am confused with the little information he has about, have not seen me face to face except the mail picture, but he promise to see me before the month runs out. 

Dear Reader: 

A phone call, profile and picture is not enough for him or you to decide a relationship is real. Anyone who says he wants to get married, sight unseen, could be dangerous. It's one thing if your culture supports an arranged marriage, and your intended is carefully vetted by your family; but you can't do that on your own. There is nothing in here about what you think of him. Be really careful about this man, and make sure if you do meet him that there are other people around you.  This could be anything from a needy guy, someone who wants to take advantage of you, to a possible kidnapping.  Please be very cautious and take good care of yourself.  If you really want to meet someone suitable,  "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"   will show you where and how to look; and for more in-depth dating information, read Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Weaving the Web

Dr. Romance  writes: Disasters, wars and tragedies rivet the world's attention, and inspire many of us to give and to do whatever we can to help.  

 

One of the things I’ve come to see as my life and career progress is that whatever we do to help even one person has far more influence than we can realize.  Each person we teach, encourage, or help to heal is then empowered to carry that teaching, encouragement and healing on to others.  The inspiring book and movie, both titled “Pay It Forward,” puts this concept in the form of a type of debt: instead of paying people back for what they’ve done for us (which isn’t always possible) the pay it forward concept urges us to pay the debt to others who need it.

 

This happens automatically when we learn from a great teacher, whether in person, through books, or by the stirring life example of role models such as Buddha or Mohandas Gandhi.  I have been fortunate to have had a great mentor who guided me through re-formatting my own personality and beliefs, and then taught me how to be a caring and effective counselor.  His teachings and examples are now part of my consciousness, and I use them to help others.  All the great thinkers in psychology whose books I have read, like James Hillman and Thomas Szasz , also influence my work and their ideas pass on to my clients. 

 

Then, those I have worked with use what they’ve learned with people I’ll never know.  Clients can be teachers, too: I learn from my clients every day, and pay what I learn forward to future clients. Can you imagine the web of wisdom building as we all help one another with what we learn?

 

You are part of this web, we all are.  Everyone who influences you positively was in turn taught by someone before them: the web stretches back to Plato, to Jesus, to Moses, to the great Arabic and Asian thinkers who first devised the numbers we use.

 

We all recognize that we can be influenced negatively, that we can be brought down by scary newscasts, violent and cynical movies and tv, but this web of positive influence is so much more powerful and important.  “People and peoples come and go, live and die,” writes Robert Wright in Non Zero, “But their [ideas], like their genes, persist.  When all the trading and plundering and warring is done, bodies may be lying everywhere, and social structure may be in disarray.  Yet in the process, culture, the aggregate menu of [ideas] on which society can draw, may well have evolved.”

 

Whether or not you have children to follow after you, you will leave behind a legacy.  It’s your positive influence on others, on life, and on this shrinking planet we live on, and it never dies.  The web will remain, nurturing a supporting human life for as long as it exists, and your influence will be a part of it.  © Tina B. Tessina, 2024 adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: How should I tell her I have feelings for her

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm in my first year of high school, but I have no experience in relationships. I'm in contact with a friend who is a year younger than me, and I recently realized I have feelings for her. She's funny and playful, and I just can't help myself. What's your advice on how I should tell her?

Dear Reader:

You don't need to worry about telling her you have feelings for her.  Just invite her out to do something fun, to the next basketball game, to a dance, or to study together.  She'll figure out for herself that you have feelings.  Take it slowly, one step at a time, and you'll be fine.  Read  "Guidelines for Successful Dating" for more help.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will take you step-by-step through the process of dating, from getting yourself ready, to how to meet new people, to what to say and do on a date.  It's designed to make dating fun, safe and successful.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I can't find a way to talk to him

Dear Dr. Romance:

K so there is a guy in one of my classes that I kinda like but he doesn't know me. I can't find a way to talk to him cause I can't ask him to help me with a question cause he is in front and it would look obvious asking him when there are so many smart people around me. We are always doing work in that class so there is no talking time and he leaves the class as soon as the bell rings. So what do I do? 

Dear Reader:

He's probably just shy. The smartest thing to do would be to ask him for help with that class, a homework assignment, or to explain what the teacher said. Beat him to the door as soon as the bell rings and ask him then, or ask at the beginning of class about homework. "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  will help you know what to do next, and "Turn on Your Charm" will help you be at your best when he does notice you. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has information about flirting, meeting someone and starting conversations.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I have been hurt by every guy I have dated

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am in a new relationship for a few months.  I haven't dated for a couple of years on the advice of my therapist. I met a really nice guy on an online dating service which was totally out of my character. He is a really nice guy (Thank God) He lives in a different state so of course I flew up to meet in him (which was also out of my character at the time) but, I did not want to be an 80 yr old woman and wish I had flown up to meet this guy and didn't . I have lived at home all my life even until the day I was married. That marriage lasted only four months, and I am divorced now.

I have been hurt by every guy I have dated. They have either cheated on me, physically abused me, mentally abused me or verbally abused me. So, no,  I don't trust  men. That is why I have not dated for almost three years.  The guy I am currently dating is the the nicest, sweetest, most caring and loving person i have every met he also respects me and I know that he loves me, but  he has been alone for almost 23 years, and he is 5 years older than I am.

There is one thing that he does that I have a hard time dealing with:  He has some girls that he says are just his friends that he talks with via cell, text messages and every other form of communication you can think of. He seems to be sneaky about it.  If I say anything he gets all mad and thinks I trying to control who he talks to .  But If my ex-husband were to call i know that he would be hurt.  I have lost all contacts with all my guy friends because I did not what there to be a problem. I was going into this relationship with no one who could hurt my future relationship because love this guy very much and my relationship is important to me.   I guess I just dont trust him.  I check his phone sometimes.  I just dont want to get hurt again. He knows that I have been in bad relationships and what has happened. 

Please help me find the right solution so I can deal with this the right way.  I want him to feel like he can talk to anyone. I am not a jealous person; I just don't want to get hurt again. I don't trust women and their motives. All of so called girlfriends ended up in bed with my boyfriends. So do you see that TRUST is a very big issue for me and I do not want this guy too pay for what someone else did to me. I really need your help!

Dear Reader:

I'm glad you found a nice guy, but I think you are right to be worried.  You should not give up all your friends for any relationship; it's a very bad thing for your self-esteem and makes you look weak to your boyfriend.  I hope you are still seeing your therapist. Your relationship needs to be fair and equal, open and honest to be real.  I don't think he's taking you very seriously.  Please read the following articles: "Asking for What You Want"  , "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship",  "The Nail in the Fence: Healing Wounds"   and "Setting Boundaries and Saying No"

You can also find help in Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today .  It will teach you how to keep yourself safe while you're dating.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance On: Comforting the Little Orphan Child

Dr. Romance writes: When life hands me a very difficult time, and I feel defeated and overwhelmed, I enter a hopeless and helpless state of mind I think of as The Little Orphan girl. This is the way I felt, as a teen, when I lost nearly my whole family, father, aunts and uncles, between the ages of 12 and 18. Needless to say, I was devastated; and I also survived and eventually, thrived. But little orphan girl in my memory doesn’t remember that I made it through; she sinks into despair. When I realize this is going on, I know I have to snap out of it, get into adult thinking mode, and comfort and reassure that sad little part of myself. 

Everyone has a similar mental place they can get stuck in: sometimes, people call it "depression" although it’s not really clinical depression. It’s just a form of mental exhaustion, perhaps due to grief, frustration, disappointment or some other problem. Transactional analysis calls this sad and anxious child part of the psyche the little professor, and here’s how it works, and what to do about it. 

Comforting the Little Orphan Child

Everyone laughs when they describe a small child as "four years old, going on forty." Small children can often seem wise and capable beyond their years. If a child has parents who are absent, incompetent, immature or neglectful to the point that the child’s well-being is neglected, the child often takes charge and tries to keep things together. He or she uses observation, imitation, experimentation and pretending to solve problems and keep things together when the parents are not functioning well. Often this is an oldest child, who also takes responsibility for younger siblings, and becomes a substitute parent for them as well as I or herself. Eric Berne, M. D. the developer of Transactional Analysis theory, called such a child a "Little Professor." Robert Phillips, M.D., describes how this happens in his monograph, "Structural Symbiotic Systems":

"When Tom reaches twenty-four months of age, he has had sufficient healthy parenting so that he is generally willing to relate to others pleasurably and to explore his small world with enthusiasm.

"On a particular day he toddles into the kitchen where Mother is baking a cake for Father’s birthday. His senses excited by the sight of Mother’s busily relaxed body and by the combined smells of her body and bubbling chocolate, he looks up at Mother and smiles. She smiles in return and, permission granted, he scurries happily to another room to explore, experiencing more stimulation from eye-catching and tactily-differing objects. Soon he returns excitedly to the kitchen, bent perhaps on his first show-and-tell, alive with sensation and awareness.

"But - what is this! There sits Mother in the corner of the kitchen, hunched over in a tense position and crying, with sharp edges on her sobs. Tom’s world is suddenly disrupted - he whimpers and gets no response from Mother.

"What has he done or not done to account for this catastrophe, Tom wonders in his small magical mind. Tom does not know and might never know that during his brief absence Mother received a telephone call from Father who angrily criticized her for omitting his habitual salami sandwich from the lunch-bag. Bewildered and fearful, Tom waits and waits and finally takes a desperate dare for survival. He awkwardly moves toward Mother, awkwardly extends his arm, and awkwardly pats her shoulder, uttering the magical words "I love you."

 "And with the suddenness of magic, Sobbing Beauty immediately comes to life again in Tom’s world. Mother catches rapturous Tom up in her arms, wets his face with her redemptive sadness, and pronounces the words which will become the curse of grandiosity, "You’re my wonderful little man! I couldn’t get along without you." Tom’s small chest expands with pride, his head swells with self-righteousness, and he is immersed in a lethal mixture of liquids which someday might drown him – environmental tears, in combination with an internal bath of both adrenalin and acetyl-choline." [from Structural Symbiotic Systems]

Little Tom has now taken over the role of comforting and parenting his mother. If this only happens sporadically, he will learn some useful skills, and still have a mother who is capable when he needs her. But, a child with a mother who is habitually helpless, perhaps drunk or incompetent, soon forms a habit of caretaking. Highly intelligent and resourceful children can do well enough at caretaking to get a lot of praise and gratification from their accomplishment. 

Further problems arise when the Little Professor is smart enough to be successful at the caretaking. For such a child caretaking and "acting as if" he or she knows what to do become strongly ingrained habits. A child with this background often grows up to be a highly competent, but stressed and anxious adult. The anxiety is a result of pretending. No matter how successful and competent the person becomes, no matter what he or she achieves, it never seems real. The Little Professor feels like a child who’s pretending to be a grownup.

Until you do the work to separate your childlike self from the past, bring it into the present, and acknowledge all your adult experience and expertise, you will feel as if someone else must be running your life.

Recovering from Little Professor syndrome is not difficult, once you realize you’re behaving in this way. The key is to recognize your competence as an adult, and to learn to identify the difference between using your adult intelligence and using your childlike ability to "fake" what you’re doing. Reassure yourself that you survived whatever was devastating in the past, and you can get through this difficulty, too.

 Guidelines for Using Grownup Thinking

1. Pay attention to signals: Notice when you feel anxious about what you’re doing, especially if you’re having anxiety attacks with rapid heartbeat or shortness of breath. This is a strong indication that you’re in "Little Professor" mode. With practice, you can learn to identify the signals that you’re anxious.

2. Use logic: Ask yourself some logical questions about what you’re doing and feeling: Is there a good reason to be so nervous? What am I afraid of? What’s the worst that could happen? How can I make sure I’m OK? Simply asking these questions, or questions about the facts, such as who, what, when, where, and why; will help you think more like a grownup.

3. Move into adult mode: Remind yourself of all your adult experience and competence. Remember you are not a child.

4. Consider your reasoning: Ask yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing. Can you explain it logically? If not, perhaps it’s a reactive, rather than a rational decision.

5. Develop a plan: Make a reasonable plan to accomplish whatever you want to do, break it down into steps, and stick to it. This will reduce the chances of being sidetracked by emotional reactions.

When you stay in adult mode, you’ll find that it’s much easier to distinguish your true responsibilities from those that belong to others. You’ll feel much more competent, and much more in charge of your own life.

© 2024 Tina B. Tessina from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I am not sure what the dating customs of this country are

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read your monthly "Happiness Tips" newsletter and thank you your advice. However, I noticed that you try to help resolve or forestall relationship problems. My problem is still meeting a man that I like. When I go out and see a guy I am attracted to, I do look towards that man and "let" him know I like him. That guy usually looks at me back, but just does not approach me. 

I come from a rather conservative cultural environment where men make first moves, and I am not sure what customs of this country are. Does it mean that most single people meet online nowadays or simply approach a person of their interest in a straightforward manner?

Thank you and continue the positive work.

Dear Reader:
In my private practice, and this blog, I also help people find relationships. I'm also the author of Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  There's a lot of confusion about dating in this country, too.  Some women are comfortable making the first contact, some are not.  I firmly believe the best way to meet is through social contacts.  Meeting a total stranger is very difficult, and there's no way to tell if it's a person you'd really like to know. I recommend what I call the "get a life" method.  That is, you develop a social circle you enjoy and spend time with friends, doing things that are productive and things that are interesting to you.  If you allow this social circle to be large enough, you'll find plenty of people to date, and you'll already know what kind of people they are before you date them.  

The articles, "Where is Love?"   and "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"   which will help you find more effective ways to meet suitable people to date.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Should i try to fuel the desires or calm them?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I saw your article "Age Differences in Dating "  I'm single, in my early thirties.  for the last, I'd say 6 years, i have been extremely attracted to women in their forties.  it's both a physical and mental attraction.  i live in an upscale part of the city and there are so many beautiful older women around.  that seems to fuel the attraction.  I'm not referring to those women that have had tons of plastic surgery, or implants, etc. to try to make themselves appear younger.  I'm attracted to the regular soccer mom type.
 
1) what is causing this?  I've read a lot of the literature about younger men wanting to be with women who don't play games, who are more settled and know what they way, etc.  this is more than that, something more deep-rooted.  when i see an attractive older woman it's like something is activated in my brain, unlike when i see an attractive girl my own age.  when i talk to one on the phone, same thing happens.  don't get my wrong, I'm still attracted to women around my own age, but i think you get my point.
 
2) what can i do to deal with this?  should i try to fuel the desires or calm them?   i have a therapist that i go to but this is a realm of questions that i am just not comfortable asking someone in person.  i just want to start to understand why I've been attracted to women in their 40's since i was in my mid 20's.

 Dear Reader:  No one knows for sure where sexual and romantic attractions come from, but I find with most of my clients there's a connection to childhood or teen years.  Was there a woman about 40, real or fictional (like movies or TV or a magazine) that got your attention when you were young?  Someone you could only dream about?  A teacher, a neighbor, a relative?  Think back, and you may come up with the archetypal woman who formed the basis for your attractions. 

What you should do about it is relax.  It's OK to have fantasies.  You need to remember, though, that the fantasies are not the same as reality.  The women you are attracted to may not be a good match for you in reality.  So, don't let the fantasy run away with you.  If the attractive archetype of your past was an alcoholic, for example, you may find yourself attracted, not only to 40 year old women, but to ones that drink too much. Physical attraction is not enough to base a relationship on. Also, consider that if you get into a lasting relationship, your partner won't be the same age forever. 

Read my article "Stupid Cupid" for more information about what it takes to create a relationship.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you figure out what kind of partner would actually be a good match for you, how to find that person, and how to begin a healthy relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: "My Girl's younger sister proposed to me"

Dear Dr. Romance: 
I'm in college in another country. I have relation with my girl friend since last 3 and half years ago. We have done sexual job in 4 times.  She is very honest and easy going girl. But she stopped her study. I have a good relationship with her still today, As long as I know she has no objection to marry me.
 
However, a few days ago her younger sister gave me her love proposal. She is also very beautiful and very intelligent girl. Now I'm very thoughtful. Cos. I'm thinking that my girl friend sister will be best life partner of mine. Cos. she is very understanding girl. If she get financial support and advice then she will be doctor or engineer or ...
 
But it's not possible to tell my girl friend to forget me. She will be shocked after hearing this. I know it will not be a good job, but I have to think about my future. Her educational qualification is only Class nine. But I had warranted her in several times to continue her study. But Couldn't. Believe or not I was interested to bear her educational expense.
 
I want to do something that, she will forget me without any objection or any.....
Pls. send me yr advice to me. I'm very serious about this matter.

Dear Reader: 
It sounds like you are creating a giant problem for yourself here.  It's very inconsiderate and mean to switch from the older sister to the younger.  The whole family will be angry at you.  If you want to break it off with your girlfriend, then do it honorably.  Tell her you don't want to marry her if she doesn't get her education.  Let at least six months go by, then you can begin dating the younger sister, if she's willing.  Anything else will be creating a problem that will last for your lifetime.  Read "Stupid Cupid"  which will show you what really works in a relationship, and get you thinking more accurately.

You will also benefit from reading Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today.  Which can help you figure out what you really want in a mate.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr Romance on: Relating With Love

Dr. Romance writes:

Why do relationship counselors, speakers and authors say repeatedly that your relationship depends on how well you communicate with each other?  Because marriage is a partnership and to create teamwork, you need to keep each other informed, and keep yourself aware of your partner’s ideas, wants and reactions. We all know a lot these days about the techniques of communication, but I find that many of my clients don’t understand the necessary attitudes to create domestic happiness.

The Sweetness Factor

Nothing improves communication and intimacy better than enhancing the sweetness in your marriage. We live in a cynical, hard-edged culture, so it’s easy to become embarrassed or shy about being sweet to each other, but when you see the difference a little sweetness makes in your emotional life, you’ll understand why it’s worth it, and that no matter what the bickering couples in the sitcoms are modeling, being kind and tender toward each other creates a much better relationship.  If you put more energy into expressing your love and appreciation for each other than you put into arguing and resisting each other, you’ll be creating your own happiness.  Research shows that a happy, loving partnership will enhance your self-esteem, improve your mental and physical health, and even give you longer life! When your life together is loving and pleasurable, you’ll have more energy for success in everything else you do.  When you can count on each other to be protective, supportive, kind, and caring, and to do your respective parts in the partnership, you have a firm foundation for handling whatever life brings you.  The calm assurance you get from knowing you are loved and cared about makes it easier to think clearly and make good decisions. It’s a great blessing to be and have a loving and reliable partner with whom to make plans and carry them out.

To increase the sweetness in your relationship, try the following:

*Express gratitude:  Count your blessings out loud.  Remember to say “thank you” to your partner, even for little things. If you’re thinking about it, you’ll be able to find things to express gratitude for several times a day.  If you have a spiritual or religious background, give thanks together for everything.  My husband and I say “And we thank Thee, for receiving; that which we need to know, that which we need, and that whom we need to know, and the courage to act upon it and the energy to follow through,” whenever we want to give thanks. 

*Be courteous:  Nothing ramps up the sweetness more than old-fashioned courtesy.  Being familiar with each other is not a reason to drop your “please and thank-you’s.”  Politeness is lubrication for your daily interactions, it makes everything go more smoothly. 

*Look, smile and touch: There’s an actual electrical connection that passes between us when we touch.  To demonstrate this in seminars, I use a ‘magic wand’ that contains a battery, and is wired so that you have to put one hand on each end of it to light it up.  I ask a couple to hold hands, and then have each of them hold one end of the wand with the other hand, so it lights. Then, I ask them to let go of each other’s hand, and the light goes out, even though they’re still holding the wand.  This even works with a big circle of people, when two are holding the wand.  When everyone holds hands, the wand lights—if anyone in the circle drops another’s hand the wand goes out, because the electrical circuit of the connected bodies is disconnected.  Also, neurology research shows that your brain “lights up” when you look at someone you love. In my office, I know that when I get a couple to look at each other and hold hands, their arguments become much less angry.   You can use that electrical connection to provide “juice” in your marriage.  Look at each other and smile frequently when you’re together; give each other little pats, massages, gentle touches, and hold hands frequently when you’re walking or driving, you’ll keep the energy (and the sweetness) flowing between you.  Your physical body will remember all those little looks, caresses and smiles.

*Give compliments:  It costs nothing to say “You look good” or “I like your shirt” or “You did a great job” and it gives back countless rewards.  Give each other as many complements as you can manage, every day.  Between complements and gratitude, you can really pump each other up and both of you will feel great, and look like you do.                    

*Celebrate:  Make a fuss, big or small, over every little accomplishment or milestone you achieve.  Remember, Appreciation + Celebration = Motivation.  If you want to motivate each other to stay together, work toward a good marriage, be a success, or be more loving; celebrate and appreciate every tiny step in a good direction.  You’ll be surprised how quickly you achieve your goals when you celebrate every step along the way.

*Party: Create a party atmosphere for bigger celebrations.  Toast a celebration with champagne or sparkling cider, a gathering of friends, or a thankful prayer. Create a celebration environment: use balloons, music, flowers, candles, or set your table with the best china.

*Visible reminders: Surround yourself with visible evidence of your successes. Plant a commemorative rosebush or get a new houseplant to mark a job well done, or display photos and souvenirs of fun events, vacations and sports or hobby trophies.  It's a constant reminder of your ability to have fun with each other.  Or get together for an impromptu lunchtime picnic and a balloon.  

Relating with Love

Relationships have their unavoidable stresses and strains.  To keep things in balance, put a bit of energy into increasing the sweetness between you.  Thoughtfulness, 'thank you=s' and gestures of politeness and affection are the WD-40 of your partnership.  Keep things running smoothly by remembering to add a spritz of sweetness frequently.  You'll be amazed at how good you feel, and how much more responsive your partner is.

Guidelines for Relating With Love (Six things to remember)

1. It's not about who's right or wrong it’s about solving the problem together. If you try to win the argument, you'll lose something more important B loving feelings.
2. With listening, caring and the willingness to change, anything in your relationship can be fixed. There=s no need to be afraid B just turn up the love.
3. It's a partnership, silly! Stop struggling, and learn to work together.  Focus on teamwork and sharing.
4. Behavior that enhances relationships with people at work, and with your friends, will probably work if you use it with your spouse. Seek to be more rational and less angry or emotional.
5. What goes around comes around, in love as well as life. If you want more of love, try giving more. It will work every time.
6. Act like the grownup you are, not a little kid. Think before you speak and focus on solutions, not problems.  Give up whining, complaining and suffering, and step up to taking responsibility and loving more. Adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together             

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: she slapped my face and departed

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I recently moved here from the British Isles.  I discovered your Dr. Romance blog and thought you might have some good insight on an experience I had involving an American woman's image of her body.   I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a party a few weeks ago. It was a public event at an art gallery. She was a high school teacher in her early thirties. We had been talking for a good half hour and really seemed to be hitting it off. We had even made tentative plans to meet for coffee sometime.   Then, things suddenly went downhill. I commented that she had a "nice, full, hourglass figure". I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended. She snapped, "Oh really….well perhaps I should do some plus size modeling!" I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only exacerbated things when I used the term "healthy". With a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed.   I will never forget those agonizing moments in the immediate aftermath, as I was standing there alone rubbing my cheek, drawing some judgmental stares from onlookers. Needless to say, it was not my proudest moment.   She had a classic hourglass figure: large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted "hourglass" as meaning big/overweight/full figured. I just thought it meant shapely and well proportioned. When I told a female friend about this she shook her head and said it was never a good idea to comment on a woman's figure when meeting her for the first time, even if I thought it was complimentary. I do have her email address.  Do you think I should send her an apology note or should I interpret the slap in the face as a definitive statement of rejection?

Dear Reader:

Yes, you ran afoul of American craziness about body image.  Your female friend is right.  Stay away from complimenting physical attributes.  You can say someone has "nice eyes" or you like a pretty outfit; but no physical body compliments: they'll always be taken wrong.  Here's what I'd do.  Search online for a greeting card site that has an appropriate apology card, and send it via e-mail.  If there's an option to send a flower, that would help: depending on how much you want to impress this woman.  In the card, say that you apparently ran into "cultural differences" and you had no intention of being rude, that you hope she'll forgive you and have that coffee with you that she was talking about.  
Good luck, and don't fret; if you met one woman and hit it off, there'll be many others. Remember what Bobbie Burns said: "The best laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley".  

LATER:

Dear Dr. Romance:

 Well, instead of sending a fancy greeting card I decided to just send her a simple but sincere apology note:  
We met a few weeks ago at the party in the art gallery. I genuinely meant to compliment you, but in so doing used a poor choice of words that deeply offended you. I am so sorry for any hurt I may have caused you. You are an intelligent woman and a person of integrity, and I have great respect for you. You are also quite beautiful. While my comments were not interpreted as I intended them, it was inappropriate for me to comment on your physical appearance after meeting you for the first time. I hope you choose to accept my apology, but if not, I sincerely wish you the best in life and I am still grateful for having met you. 

My thinking was that she would probably not respond in either case.  Amazingly, she not only responded by accepted my apology and it looks like we'll get together for coffee!  She replied:

Gosh, I have such mixed emotions on this. You seemed like such a sweet, interesting guy at first and that's why I was so disappointed when you started commenting on my body. I've had some weight issues in the past, so perhaps I'm overly sensitive of any comments that hint at being over-weight.  Also, because of my generous curves, I've too often had to deal with men who look at me primarily in a sexual/physical way.  It also didn't help that you kept glancing at my chest.  Therefore your comments, as well intentioned as they may have been, were like a "perfect storm" of insults.  Despite all of this, I'm willing to forgive and forget - might even meet you for coffee - but the terms are that you have to pay and I get to order something really extravagant like a large, caramel macchiato.....just joking ;-) 
P.S. Regarding the abrupt ending to our conversation: Well, I'm an old fashioned gal with zero tolerance for cads and I felt it was the most appropriate response at the time.  I will say that you took the slap like a gentleman by turning the other cheek and then coming back to make a sincere apology. Most men would be more consumed with their own pride and resentful of the woman who slapped them.  Perhaps you are more chivalrous than American men :-) 

I even got a few compliments from her.  Now, I'm really confused by American women ;-)    Thanks again. 

Dear Reader:

Good for you. You've demonstrated "The Power of Politeness"  When you meet, do your best to look at her face, OK?  I'm glad it worked out, and thanks for letting me know.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today can help you avoid future blunders.  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm lonely and hate it!!

Dear Dr. Romance:

Almost all of my friends have boyfriends, (we're 22, turning 23) and i don't. i never have. i feel really alone during the week because all my friends are with their boyfriends. i basically work, take class, and that's it. i either need a boyfriend, or more friends, because I'm lonely and hate it!! :( 

Dear Reader:

At times in life, old friends go through changes, and it's time to make new ones.   If you haven't made new friends in a while, updating your definition of friendship and increasing your skills at meeting people will be worth your while. 
First, consider what being a friend means to you. Who are your best friends? What qualities do they have? Once you have a clear idea of the kinds of friendships you would enjoy, you can decide to create more of them in your life.

This can be done in two ways: 
* Make changes in your current relationships: Ask your friends to participate in activities you enjoy, and spend more time with the friends whose style of friendship best complements your own. 
* Create new friendships: Reach out to coworkers, your neighbors or church members and invite them to accompany you in a favorite activity or for coffee. Or you may want to join a discussion group or take a class in painting, yoga, cooking or whatever you're interested in. If you spend time with people who have similar interests, you will soon create new friends.
 
If you find that you don't have enough friends, here are some guidelines for making new ones. Of course, you can tailor these suggestions to your personal tastes. 

1. Get a life. If you want to meet people with whom you have something in common, do things on a regular basis that involve others. Activities can range from taking classes, joining hobby clubs, volunteering, playing a sport or game, hiking, or any pursuit that meets regularly. The people you meet will share your interest, and you'll have something to talk about and enjoy together. 

2. Find interesting, fun people. Being involved in an ongoing activity, and meeting with the same people on a regular basis gives you a chance to get to know them before you decide to pursue a more personal relationship. When you find someone you think is particularly pleasant, spend a little time talking with him or her during or after your activity. Ask questions about the project you are working on, or share experiences and advice. If you both enjoy the conversation, you can offer to meet before or after the session for coffee. From there, you can begin to do more things together, until you've established a pattern of friendship. 

3. Don't overlook people you know. While you're making new friends, don't forget the people you already know. Is there a favorite family member you'd like to see more often? Call him or her and suggest going for a walk, or to lunch. Are there acquaintances at work, at church, in your neighborhood, involved in your school, or elsewhere with whom you could develop a friendship? Consider reaching out to them. Let these people know that you'd like to share events and activities. 

Spending quality time with friends is beneficial to your emotional, mental and physical health. If you follow the above steps, you'll find that it isn't as difficult as you think to make friends. "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends"  will help you create new people in your life.  "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will help you find a partner.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today contains guidelines and steps that will help you find the companionship you seek.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Should I go where she is?

Dear Dr. Romance:

My ex and I lived in the UK.  She dumped me a few months ago and she went to France as an exchange student.  She will be back next year, but at that time I will have graduated and left school here, and she will be doing her final year here. so as you can see reading books about body language, appearance, and etc. does not help me. I want to understand what she's thinking. Should I go where she is?

Dear Reader:

It sounds like you are pursuing a lost cause.  She knows the schedule as well as you do, and she doesn't apparently care that you won't be seeing each other.  You are in danger of being seen as a stalker if you pursue a woman who isn't interested.  Find a face-to-face counselor in your own area, and get some help.  You need to clarify your idea of what a relationship is, and to get some objective feedback about your actions.  Read my article "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  and find some low-cost
counseling in your own area.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you figure out how to develop a relationship you can count on.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: Response - Ability

Dr. Romance writes:

In my counseling practice, I hear a lot of self-justification, mind-reading, defensiveness, blaming and complaining.  Clients who do this tend to have relationships, friendships, business connections and day-to-day living which are not going well. Their lives are not about trying to understand their own role in the problem, so they can deal with it effectively, but to push the responsibility off onto someone else, and avoid it.

The problem with this kind of thinking is that each of us gets the results of what we do or don’t do, whether we try to blame someone else, ignore the problem or run away from it. No matter what, sooner or later, the problem lands right back in our laps, usually made worse by the avoidance. Often, in an attempt to avoid responsibility, we try to control someone else and make the problem theirs.

Who’s in control; and whose problem is it?
Most of us feel more comfortable being in control of the situations we’re in, so much so, that we often pretend we’re in control when we’re really not, or try to control situations that we cannot reasonably handle.

Remember, you are never in control of another person, even if it seems that you are, and that they wish you to be. You can’t control who you’ll meet, when or where you’ll meet them, how anyone else will feel, or what they’ll do.

Self-control is the only real control you have. However, it is all the control you’ll need. By taking responsibility for your own actions, words, and reactions, you can greatly stack the odds in your own favor. I think of responsibility as response-ability: the ability to respond to life, people and events. While you may not be responsible for most of what happens, you are completely responsible for your reaction to what is happening. For example, if you are out with a new person and that person acts in some rude, uncaring or unacceptable manner, You have the ability to respond in many ways.

Whenever you’re in a difficult situation, you can react irresponsibly, getting defensive, angry or running away. Many people do this without thinking, and it makes the situation worse. The response-able person will consider his or her options. Think about what your responsibility is in this situation, and take charge of your words and actions. If you respond thoughtfully and with integrity and honor, most other people will calm down and interact with you on that higher level. Being response-able means using all your self-control, skill and knowledge to take care of yourself, even when it’s difficult.

RESPONSE-ABILITY
If you're over 21, you're an adult—like it or not. That means you are responsible for everything you say and do, and you are in charge of yourself and your life. Love is one of the areas of life where many of us have trouble remembering that we are adults, with responsibility.

Often, people react to the idea of responsibility as they would to the words “fault” or "blame"; as though saying “you're responsible for your life” means “you should feel guilty about your life.” This sense of responsibility is childlike. It reacts and responds as though an angry parent were standing over you saying "Who's responsible for this mess?".

Adult responsibility is something else altogether. It is really response-ability; that is, the ability to respond to life. Rather than placing blame, this way of thinking acknowledges personal power. Response-ability is the capacity to choose. Out of many possible responses, I can always choose the one I make. Response-ability is remembering to be in charge and make careful, thought-out choices.

What seems hard at first for most of my clients is understanding the need to take this kind of responsibility. The expression “taking responsibility” is ironically misleading, because actually we have no choice. We are always responding to situations, even if our response is to do nothing. It does little good to worry about what other people are choosing, because you really haven't any say about it. Your responsibility is to take care of yourself; no one else can do that for you.

When you respond with the best of your ability, and accept and handle whatever consequences you have helped to create, you not only benefit from your choices, but your life and relationships will improve immensely.

 Adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow UP and Out of Dysfunction   

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I feel almost embarrassed about being a virgin at my age

 Dear Dr. Romance:

I came across your blog while searching the internet for help for women In dysfunctional relationships.  Your language and spiritual, yet non judgmental  approach really resonated with me.  

I am an ethnically mixed  woman in my thirties. My parents divorced when I was young and I have been raised by my mother as a Muslim also with some alternative spiritual beliefs. I don't drink or smoke or do any type of drugs, in fact I don't even swear! I  have always been a spiritual and somewhat religious person, and see  myself as someone with great potential for an exceptional life. Some people think of me as quite beautiful and feel I have a unique gift of song.

My relationship is totally dysfunctional and I want to be able to get myself out of it. I feel very unsure of myself, unable to maneuver in my life. I take a few steps here and there but never allow anything to come to fruition. The primary relationships in my life are with my mother and this man. my relationship with my mother has become increasingly suffocating as I get older and remain unmarried. I feel guilty and also worried that my life is passing me by. I am still a virgin (technically) even though I have been in two relationships, including this man who told me he wanted to marry me and said he'd wait, but after about a year and a half I found out he had been cheating on me. I stayed with him despite his infidelity and although we had a sexual life I could not bring myself to let him take my virginity.  I have always felt guilty around sexual activity  because I wanted to wait until marriage.  

Now I find myself with this wonderfully charming, talented, charismatic, masculine man who I still love very much, who has cheated on me repeatedly, and uses drugs and I'm not sure even really wants to be with me. I feel so frustrated with myself because I still want him. I've gone out on one or two dates but I can't seem to move on. I now feel almost embarrassed about being a virgin at my age.  I worry especially  what God thinks of me. My life has become totally dysfunctional in almost every area. I want to feel truly good about myself again, from the core of my being. I believe there is so much I can offer the world. I am trying to pull myself up but I think I need some help in strengthening myself. 

Dear Reader:
You sound very confused and conflicted about sex and relationships.  I think your focus is on the wrong aspects of love.  First, you need to figure out what you want from a relationship, and then make sure any man you connect with has similar values and goals. Whether or not you have sex before marriage should not be the most important thing.  No matter how charismatic and charming he is, a man who has cheated on you repeatedly is not wonderful.  On the other hand, your connection with him doesn't sound very fulfilling to either of you.  Are you financially dependent on him, or on your mother? At 35, it's important to be financially self-sufficient, even if you're trying to get a music career together.  You are an adult woman, and you don't need to be obligated to anyone other than yourself.  While it's important to have close relationships, including with your mother, it's also wise not to let them control you. 

It Ends With You: Grow up and out of Dysfunction will show you how to change and become more comfortable with who you are. "Getting Out of Your Way"  and "Response-ability" will help you move forward. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Why am I assumed to be a cougar good for only one thing?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a single woman in my late 40's. I've had several serious relationships, but unfortunately, although I lived with a couple of them, I've never been married. I have a minor physical disability, a stomach condition, but I am attractive, I look younger than I am, I'm well educated, and I've held responsible positions in management, with plenty of client contact.  My concern is that lately the only interest men take in me is to get my phone number and invite themselves to my house, which I decline, I know I deserve better and I am not a fast woman. Sex becomes extremely desirable to me when I am in a serious relationship. I'm beginning to believe that I will be alone for the rest of my life. Is this phenomenon of which I speak a result of the time we live in, or is it just that I am assumed to be some type of aging "cougar" who is now only good for one thing. 

I do not internet date, (my social skills and appearance are not lacking), I used to do a lot of dancing, I did bible study for four years, now I am studying guitar, I go to the gym, I go to clubs to see other performers, but I can't drink alcohol, (which for some reason seems to be a huge turnoff). I dress sexy, but in good taste, when I go out it's usually the LBD and maybe some trendy shoes to make it pop a little, very little make up. The only dates I can't go on is the dinner dates, because of my condition and the fear that the gentleman may want to eat some type of exotic food. But a jazz club, a movie, the beach, a walk in the park, are all good for me. What's going on? Is it just over at a certain age? 

Dear Reader:
With all your focus on how you look, and your mention of dressing "sexy" I think maybe you're sending the wrong message.  Even though dancing and bible study can be good places to meet a suitable date, it doesn't sound like you're taking time to make friends and get to know people. Perhaps you're focused on the men too intensely, and they interpret that to mean that you're looking for sex.  Instead of desperately searching for love, find a wider range of things to do that you enjoy.  Mingle with people of both genders, work together with them, read books, take classes, go dancing or play sports with them, and make friends.  Then all the external things you're worried about will not be important: you'll get to know nice men before you decide to date them. Read  "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  and "Where is Love"  for more information. The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will give you details on how to do it successfully.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: How can I make my family understand I love him?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Ok so I am 19 and am kinda falling for a guy who is 20 years old than me. I am not asking your opinion on if it's wrong and nor do I want to hear "that's disgusting" my mother and father were 23 years apart in age. I like older guys cause I can relate to them better than guys my own age. Guys my own age don't really act mature enough or just don't have the personality I like. My problem is that my mother doesn't like the guy most of my family doesn't to be honest. I want to be in a relationship with him but he doesn't want to come between me and my family. I am glad he cares but there is just some things a family will have to get over and I believe this is one of them. I have know the guy for a good 3-4years and this feeling didn't start till i turned 17. He has been the best friend and has been there for me. We recently started secretly seeing each other but we aren't really in a relationship cause he doesn't want to take the step without being open. I just don't want to have to lose a guy I truly care about over something as stupid as an age gap. What would you do or how would you make him or your family understand?

Dear Reader:

I'm sure your family are just worried about you. If your mother and father had a big age gap, perhaps you could remind them that it worked for them. Your guy sounds like he's got some ethics, because he's not willing to go against your family, and it sounds like he waited until you were 18, which is another point in his favor. On the other hand, he's willing to sneak around with you.

You're making a big decision here, and your family might have some good reasons to object. Have you asked them why? Is it only the age gap, or are there other things they're worried about? I suggest you move slowly, and open up the conversation as much as possible. Maybe you and your guy could talk to the family together?

The rest of your life will be much happier if everyone is onboard about this relationship. Try listening to their point of view, rather than telling them yours. When you understand what their concerns are, you can answer them one by one. "Stupid Cupid"  and Age Differences in Dating will give both of you a good foundation for the discussions. How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will help you communicate better with each other and with your family.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance: Stop Reacting and Start Relating

Dr. Romance writes:

My beloved Richard and I have been married 42 years as of last month. We have had our differences, but we both learned in previous relationships that fighting doesn't solve anything, and responding works a lot better. Here's how I teach couples to do it in my therapy practice.

Responding, not Reacting

Any willing couple can learn to build a happy relationship if they stop reacting and learn to respond thoughtfully. As an individual you have ideas and beliefs about how certain things in life should be handled, and so does your partner; and we all tend to assume everyone, especially a person who loves us, will see it our way. During dating, you two may have felt that you agreed with each other on everything. But, after you married things changed. You were probably shocked when you realized the object of your affections, your dream come true, the Prince or Princess Charming you fell in love with had different ideas about how life, love, home, finances and children should be.

In forty five years of counseling, I’ve spent many hours teaching couples the techniques and information that will allow them to communicate and solve problems, rather than fight endlessly about the same things. In forty two years of marriage, I’ve also learned from my own experience that there’s a big difference between the skills and attitudes one needs to date and fall in love, and what is needed to make married life, home and family work smoothly. There’s a difference between being lovers and being partners, and on top of all that, keeping enough romance and fun alive to make it all feel worthwhile. Those of us who succeed are the blessed ones, the happy ones, and you can be, too.

In Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed  you’ll learn a view your relationship as a partnership, rather than a challenge or a competition, and you’ll discover new ways to think about sharing and working together to make all your decisions about money, sex and kids mutual ones. With a little information and practice, you can stop fighting become a successful, happy couple. The point of this book is to show you how to create a partnership that will cause you to feel blessed and happy.

Solving instead of Struggling

According to researcher John Gottman and several other studies, couples who can solve problems successfully together tend to have relationships that last. If you've been through a tough time together, then you’re probably frustrated, hurt and anxious. This erodes your patience and reasonableness with each other, and makes it difficult to think clearly.

Successful couples don’t have any special magic. By trial and error, through counseling, books, and talking to other couples, they figure out how to create a relationship that works. To create a working partnership, you need to teach each other how understand one another, so you can get along. When you’re working together or spending time with each other, instead of complaining, criticizing or resenting each other, try asking each other what you’re thinking about the situation. "I think it would work better to do this--what do you think?" If you listen to each other, and focus on sharing what you know, you’ll grow in understanding and teamwork. Most partners would rather have each other’s company than do it all alone, especially if what you’re doing is new, and if it's companionable company. The best way to end the ‘who is supposed to do what’ argument is to do it (or at least work it out) together and make it fun. A smart partner will make this as easy as possible -- make it fun, affectionate, and focus on becoming a team. Rather than figure out who’s right, couples need to focus on what works, and find ways to motivate each other to work together.
Celebration + Appreciation = Motivation

Motivation comes from celebration and appreciation. When partners get frustrated, they have a tendency to complain to and criticize each other rather than appreciate each other. If you give in to your urge to criticize, you'll mortally wound your marriage. If you want to motivate each other, you need to share as much appreciation and celebration as possible. Work with each other, thank each other, and make doing the work as much fun as possible.

You Can Stop Fighting

If you've had a difficult time with each other, I’m sorry, and I know you’re frustrated, but if you will renew your patience, start working together to fix the problems, and give the information and exercises in this book a couple of months, you will see results. Most of the couples I counsel succeed in fixing their problems, and you can, too. If you’re reading this book, which means you’re looking for a solution, and that’s a big step toward success. In subsequent chapters of this book, you'll learn how to change focus from fighting over money, sex and kids to developing the ability to talk about what is going on and focus on solving the problem, which leaves a lot more time for having fun and getting things done. Any willing couple can learn to build a happy relationship -- and so can you.

 © Tina B. Tessina, 2024  Adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I had to pay for everything

Dear Dr Romance:

I recently met a divorced Russian woman with her teenage old son while on vacation, we spent a lot of time together. I enjoyed their company very much. We keep seeing each other and I recently spent 4 days at her lavish home in the United States. I was really surprised to see that I had to pay for pretty well everything we did while a guest at her home...groceries, gas for her car, restaurant etc...at one point I went to a kitchen store to get her better cooking ware and saw that when it was time to pay she moved away form the cashier, I called her in to pay for "her" items...she told me later that the fact I did not pay for her cooking ware had upset her very much. She tells me that in Russia men pay for everything for their wives (or woman) and that if I cared for her I would not be asking questions about paying...she is the "queen" and expect a man to be in charge of her and look after her needs at the utmost, nice gifts, business class travel etc...I explained to  her that I too was rather befuddled by this and felt used, (I thought she was broke!) that I was a guest at her home and not in any obligations such as being committed in a common law relationship or being married to her, (I paid for everything with my ex and it never bothered me) but this case, because it is expected so much and at the delicate beginning of our relationship, it confused me a lot...she pointed out her ex was always counting and avoiding paying for their expenses...don't know what to do!         

Dear Reader:
This is probably a case of cultural differences.   This woman expects men to pay for everything, no matter the differences in wealth.  I am not an expert on Russian culture, but when she says "in Russia men pay for everything" that's how she views her culture.   So, she's doing what she thinks is "the thing to do" -- not intending to rip you off.  But, understand that if you continue to date her, you'll probably pay. She should be making an effort to reciprocate in other ways, like cooking, sex, doing nice things for you.  If there's no attempt on her part to give back to you, then she is probably just being selfish.  If you do decide to continue on, and get more serious, you two should have a talk about the difference in your cultures.  Read  "When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships"   and "Asking for What You Want" will show you how to accomplish this. Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences and Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed have guidelines for how to talk about money in your relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: How Can I stop a stalker?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Are you familiar with men who won't leave women alone?  I'm just trying to understand why someone would STALK me for well over a decade and, during that time, systematically destroy my life because I refused to be in an abusive relationship with him. He didn't seem to understand that emotional violence might be a bit of a deterrent to an emotionally healthy woman.  But he seems like he's borderline personality anyway and couple that with "ex military" and you get straight psycho. Yet, he (along with a number of his closest psychotic friends) has been trying to defame my character  and even has gone after my child! It's like I said "No" and he said, "You're gonna be under my control whether you want to or not or you'll DIE." You know the old, "If I can't have you, nobody will." I was trying to avoid this by saying "No" at the outset!  What can I do?

Dear Reader:

Yes, I've written about stalking and domestic violence. "How to Stay Out of a Violent Relationship"  and "Friends in Need: Interventions for Domestic Violence"  may have the information you need to know. Stalkers simply want to control you. He has no feelings for you except rage that you aren't under his control. You were right to say no, but you might have to be a lot meaner than that. Just saying no obviously didn't work --it's time to gather evidence, call the police, and have him arrested.

Here are some suggestions that might help:

Dr. Romance on WHAT TO DO IF YOU OR YOUR CHILDREN ARE BATTERED

1. Realize it's not going to get better. If your partner flies into rage, verbally or sexually abuses or batters you or your children, no matter what he or she may say, it isn't your fault, and you have no control over his or her behavior. Even the abuser has very little control. It is not just a one-time incident, it is an indication of a severely disturbed character, and it will not go away without years of intense therapy.

2. Protect yourself and your children. The best way to do this is to tell the truth to family, friends, your minister, your doctor, your therapist, your co-workers, one of the hotlines listed below, the police and anyone else who will listen. There is no need for you to be ashamed, but there is an urgent need for you to get help. If it seems that noone is listening, consider that you might not be telling the whole truth -- battered spouses have a tendency to downplay and make excuses for the abuse. The best protection for you and your children is for your abuser's behavior to become public knowledge. The vast majority of abusers are cowards, who only prey on dependent, defenseless people. They like to believe they are in control, and they aren't as likely to lose control before witnesses.

3. Once you have been physically abused, do not be alone with the abuser again. This is another reason to tell everyone you know. You either need a place to go, or someone (perhaps several people) to stay with you until you are safe. You may also need financial help. There are shelters you can go to which will keep you safe. Call a Domestic Violence hotline to find a shelter.

4. If you are hit, call the police (911). They respond much better now than they used to, and the law is now on your side. When they come, press charges. Do not make excuses to yourself or anyone else. If your abuser gets away with it even once, he or she will get more abusive. Do not listen to pleas for sympathy, understanding or forgiveness. You can forgive the abuser after he or she has gotten help, and only after you and your children are safe.

5. If injured, get medical help. Tell the doctors and nurses the truth about how it happened.  

6. File a restraining order, or a Protection from Violence order. Volunteers at the police department will help you fill it out. With a restraining order, you can call the police as soon as the abuser gets close to you or your home. Without one, the police need evidence of the abuse to arrest anyone. 

7. Attend Al-Anon meetings. You will learn a lot of good information that will help you avoid being someone else's victim. For information: http://www.al-anon.org/

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty has good information about taking good care of yourself.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Do I tell him i can't be his friend or let silence speak for itself?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm in need of some serious advice, and I hope you can help.  I've been in an extremely long distance relationship with someone for the past year and a half off and on. I live in the US, he lives in Central America.  I am 6 years older than he is.  I'm studying to be a nurse and he unfortunately doesn't have the funds to do anything.  When we started dating I can admit that I was a bit guarded because I didn't want to get my feelings hurt and often put him down. I'm not sure if that caused him to change, but we broke it off. However, he would still email me and call me once in a blue moon to see how I was doing. Then we recently got back together and he kept mentioning to me how he wanted a motorcycle. I told him he doesn't need a motorcycle he needs an education and can use the money he has (which wasn't enough for this motorcycle) and go to school. He became stubborn and I didn't speak to him for a day. I had called him drunk before that discussion and said really hurtful things and he still forgave me. However after the discussion with the motorcycle, he broke it off saying he couldn't do this anymore with him being over there and me being over here. When we first started dating he said distance doesn't matter because our hearts are always close. However, that wasn't the case anymore.  I agreed to remain "friends" with him and he still texts me and at first I thought I can handle it, but i can't.  He recently texted me saying "Hello old friend, I hope everything is well with you and I hope in this Valentine's day you are with your ideal person, much luck, i love you very much friend". Do I tell him i can't be his friend or let silence speak for itself? 

Dear Reader:

This relationship obviously does not work for you.  You don't seem to be behaving very well, and your friend is too far away and in an impossible situation.  There is also the possibility that he sees you as a ticket to come to the US.  The conversation about the motorcycle may have been a way to get you to give him money.  

Whatever is going on, it is not going to work, so let go.  If you're drunk dialing and saying hurtful things, that tells me you need to get your own life in order before you can have a workable relationship with anyone. You may be fixated on that relationship to avoid dealing with your real life.  "Your Primary Relationship." will explain why no relationship will work until you get sorted out with yourself.   "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" and "Where is Love"  will help you look for someone who is actually suited to you.  All of them will help you understand what you need to do to find love that will actually work.  Don't bother writing him back, he probably won't pay attention.  Just put your energy into creating a better life for yourself.

The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before 40 will help you figure out your own life, and get you better prepared for a relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance's Fair Fight Guidelines

Dr. Romance writes:

 

Thirty years of counseling couples and forty-two years of my second marriage have convinced me that fights are not necessary in a marriage.  Married couples need to have discussions, they need to solve problems, and sometimes they need to disagree, but they don’t need to squabble, argue, bicker or fight.  Fights are dramatic, which is not helpful to a discussion. If you have enough energy to create drama, you have more than enough to tone it down into a discussion.  However, because social expectations and mythology are so strong, many of my clients want guidelines for “fighting fair.” I’ve developed a set of Fair Fight Guidelines you may find helpful.

 

Fair Fight Guidelines

If you feel a fight is unavoidable, you can still find a win-win resolution if you follow these guidelines.

*Remember the point of the fight is to reach a solution, not to win, be right, or make your partner wrong.

*Don't try to mind read. Ask instead what he or she is thinking.

*Don’t bring up all the prior problems that relate to this one. Leave the past in the past; keep this about one recent problem. Solve one thing at a time.

*Keep the process simple. State the problem, suggest some alternatives, and choose a solution together.

*Don't talk too much at once.  Keep your statements to two or three sentences.  Your partner will not be able to grasp more than that.

*Give your partner a chance to respond and to suggest options.

*Practice equality.  If something is important enough to one of you, it will inevitably be important to both of you, so honor your partner’s need to solve a problem.

*Ask and Answer questions directly. Again, keep it as simple as possible. Let your partner know you hear him or her.

*State your problem as a request, not a demand. To make it a positive request, use “I messages” and “please”.

*Don’t use power struggle tactics: guilt and obligation, threats and emotional blackmail, courtroom logic: peacekeeping, sacrificing, or hammering away are off limits.

*Know your facts:  If you’re going to fight for something, know the facts about the problem:  Do research, find out what options are available, and know how you feel and what would solve the problem for you. 

*Ask for changes in behavior, don’t criticize character, ethics or morals. 

*Don’t fight over who’s right or wrong.  Opinions are opinions, and that won’t solve the problem.  Instead, focus on what will work.

*Ask your partner if he or she has anything to add to the discussion. "Is there anything else we need to discuss now?"

*Don’t guess what your partner is thinking or feeling.  Instead, ask.  “What do you think?” Or “How do you feel about it?”

*Hold hands, look at each other, and remember you’re partners.

*If you’re angry, express it calmly.  “I’m angry about ……” There’s no need for drama, and it won’t get you what you want. Anger is satisfied by being acknowledged, and by creating change.  Anger is a normal emotion – rage is phony, it’s drama created by not taking care of yourself.

*Acknowledged and honor your partner’s feelings – don’t deflect them, laugh at them or freak out.  They’re only feelings, and they subside when respected, heard and honored. 

*Listen with your whole self.  Paraphrase what your partner says; check to see if you understand by repeating what is said. “So you are angry because you think I ignored you. Is that right?”

*No personal attacks or criticism. Focus on solving the problem.

*If you want to let off steam (vent), ask permission or take a time out.  Handle your excess emotion or energy by being active (run, walk, hit a pillow,) writing, or talking to someone who is not part of the problem. Don’t direct it personally at anyone. You can’t vent and solve problems at the same time. 

*Don’t try to solve a problem if you’re impaired: tired, hungry, drunk or unstable.

*Surrender to your responsibility.  When you become aware that you have made a mistake, admit it and apologize. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

(Adapted from How to Be Happy Partners) 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm sick of waiting and feeling I'm not good enough

Dear Dr. Romance,

I am a young adult male who has always had some sort of complication in relationships. I need help on deciding what I should do from the point at where I’m at now. The situation is that I have been talking to this girl.  She first started talking to me but I didn't really think much of it at the time. We started talking on a regular basis, and she began to like me. She liked me more than I liked her and she began to think I only talked to her because I was bored. As it got later into us talking I noticed I started to like this girl a lot. As her liking for me dimmed down slightly because she thought I didn't care. I tried to tell her differently but she always thought I was joking. 

So one Saturday morning I get a text from her:  "I did something bad last night." I later found out she had sex with this kid. I was mad but I never stopped talking to her. She then started liking this kid. And she felt bad because she didn't want to have sex with him and not mean anything. Because then shed feel like she got used. She has only had sex with him on that one occasion (so she says). But now she likes both of us. She talks to me every day and him like every other day or only for a few minutes at night. I have asked her to make a decision and she refuses to. I know she is young and immature but I feel I must not give up. I like her. But she likes this other kid and I feel like crap. We have only hung out once in person so that might be why things are different. She says she only "like likes" this kid and "love likes" me. I think I need to hang with her more in person and see how things go. I just hate having my heart out in the open. And I'm sick of waiting and feeling I’m not good enough everyday. 

Dear Reader:

You're right, you need to hang out in person more, especially if you can do that in groups. She needs to be in your presence, so the hard-to-get guy isn't more attractive.  But, please keep in mind that she's probably in a fickle state right now. She may go back and forth for a while. She sounds very immature, so be careful if she's not of age.  You may be setting yourself up for disappointment. One of the best ways to make yourself more desirable is to be less available. If she sees you having fun, she may be more attracted.  Pay some attention to other girls, to give her the message that you won't wait forever.   To learn more about relationships, you can read my articles "Where is Love?" and "Dating: The Fine Art of “Squirrel Hunting” and my book, Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I am not needy but I am very picky

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have met a new guy and I am very interested. He's a veterinarian. I first talked to him on the phone about my ailing horse. The attraction was there even before I met him. When he came to check on my horse the spark was there and it seemed that it was the same on his end. He came back out another time and the attraction once again seemed to be there also on his part. I asked him to a party I was having and he said he would let me know. He called and said that he had a family member that was dying and had to go out of town, but he seemed genuinely disappointed that he couldn't come.

When he came back to check on my horse he said he had really worried about me when he had left the night my horse was sick. He seems interested but is very hard to read. Should I send a thank you card with a note telling him I would like to get to know him better and suggest meeting for coffee? If he does not call after that then I guess I was reading something into it that was not there. Or is there another way to get his attention? Almost everything I have read tells me that the guy wants a challenge and if I make the first move then I appear needy.

I am not needy but I am very picky and I really haven't felt a connection with anyone that I feel with him in a very long time but I don't want to freak him out if there is an interest there on his part or lose him as my vet as he is a really good vet.

Dear Reader:

I think a thank you note with an invitation is a great idea.  There's no way to know what his mixed messages mean until you test it. I'm assuming you know that he's not married? If not, check that out before doing anything.  Asking him for coffee is not too confrontational and shouldn't cost you the veterinarian relationship if he's not actually interested. He may be being cautious because you are a customer, too.  My article "Asking for What You Want" will help you understand gender differences in communication.  Dr Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  includes guidelines for transitioning to dating from a business acquaintance.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't like this game

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have a problem with this girl I like who's four years younger, we've been friends for a year. She recently broke up with her boyfriend. One week after they broke up, I went out with her. We had some drinks, and started making out.  I asked her how long she had wanted to make out with me and she said a while as our friendship was quite flirty. Then we ended up having sex, but it wasn't great because it was in the back of a car.

Since then its been similar to our friendship before, catching up for coffee and that, but ending with making out. A week after our date, we were having coffee and I asked if she wanted to go out with me. She said no, said she was still messed up from the breakup and wasn't ready.  She's also very critical about herself; asking "Why would you want to go out with me, I'm ugly."

I see her as beautiful and amazing and tell her that. But she said no, so I said let's be friends, and I'm ready for a relationship when she is.  A few days later, we saw a movie together and held hands the whole time and cuddled. After that, she stood me up for a party.  So many mixed signals.  My female friends tell me she's playing a game, and I need to be more relaxed and go with the flow.  I don't like this game, because she can't find time for me. 

What advice can you give me?

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry to tell you this, but I think you're chasing a relationship that doesn't exist.  This young woman has a lot to deal with, and bugging her about a relationship in the midst of everything is not a good strategy.  

You need to concentrate on being friends if you want any contact with her, and not let her draw you into her sexual acting out.  She's being kind to you when she tells you she's not ready for a relationship.   Listen to her, it's the truth.  She is playing games in a way, because she's confused and upset, and she's not acting rationally.  If you want to be her friend, stop thinking about her as a potential girlfriend, and just be supportive of her while she figures out what she wants to do.  

Read my article, "Letting Go Takes Love".   It will help you understand how to give her the space she needs. She's very young, and you're not much older, so there's plenty of time.  

Be patient.   If she does want to be close to you, she'll let you know.  In the meantime, focus on other people, other friends, and leave this girl alone for awhile.  She needs time to get over her last relationship, and to sort herself out.  If you care about her, you'll let her find her way.   Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today can help you find a relationship that's real.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on HOW TO GROW OLD HAPPILY TOGETHER

Dr. Romance writes:

Today is our 42 Wedding Anniversary. Richard and I  were married on May 9, 1082. I am now 80,. and he is 81. We are still in love, and still happy together.

All the focus seems to be on how to stay young these days; but we grow older anyway; and if we’re lucky, we will grow old together. There’s a lot of research to show that people who are in happy relationships live longer and healthier lives. If you want your relationship to be happy and healthy as you grow older, follow these guidelines:

1. Learn to talk with each other about everything.
Things will change, your sex life, your appearance, your energy, your interests. If you can talk about the changes as they occur, and work together to accommodate them, you’ll be happy for a long time.

2. Save money.
Growing old together takes money. Save for your old age. When you are no longer working, you’ll want to travel, to visit family, to enjoy what you have created for yourselves. Planning ahead financially will help you do that.

3. Develop and keep a shared sense of humor.
Laughter will brighten your days, make you fall in love over and over with each other, and get you through hard times with your connection intact.

4. Learn to grieve effectively.
The longer you live, the more loss you face. You will grieve lost friends and family, lost pets, lost jobs or opportunities, disappointments and other losses; some much greater than others. Learn to grieve together and to support each other in grief. Healthy grieving is an essential life skill.

5. Get in the habit of consulting each other.
My husband and I are self-employed, with changing schedules, so we check in each day to share what’s happening in our calendars. Even if you’re retired or your schedules are predictable, don’t forget to check in with each other on a regular basis. Don’t spend any substantial money, or make big time consuming commitments without checking with each other.

6. Draw each other out emotionally.
If your partner looks stressed, learn how to ask what’s the matter without being intrusive. When you can share your feelings; whether they’re sad, mad, glad, scared, or stressed, you’ll be better support for each other, and helping ease the stress makes you live longer. A simple question like “How are you doing?” shows your partner you care.

7. Have fun together.
Knowing you two are excellent and fun company whether you’re doing dishes or traveling the globe means you’ll be each other’s favorite companions through life.

8. Take care of yourselves and each other.
Live a reasonably healthy lifestyle without stressing about it. Keep stress as low as you can, support each other in staying active. If you’re going to be together for a long time, you want to be healthy.

9. Renew your vows.
You don’t need to be formal about it, but remind each other you’d marry again if necessary. Renew your commitment frequently. My husband and I wrote our marriage vows in 1982, and we repeat them together frequently. It’s a good reminder of why you’re together, where you came from, and how much you’ve shared.

10. Care about yourselves and each other.
Loving your partner successfully requires caring about yourself, too. Don’t let your love get too one-sided. There’s plenty of love to go around, and it grows the more you use it.

Excerpted from: How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: How realistic is it for a woman over 40 to expect a date to lead to marriage?

Dear Dr. Romance:

How realistic is it for a woman over 40 to expect a date from an online dating site to lead to marriage? 

Dear Reader:

It's not realistic for anyone to expect one date to lead to marriage, but if you know what you're doing, it is possible to find a spouse via dating someone you met online. Just keep in mind that it's a big, anonymous world, and get to know your potential date face-to-face as soon as possible. Understand that it will take a few months just to find out if the person you're dating has real potential. Go slowly -- it takes time to develop a healthy relationship. While you're figuring that out, try not to get caught up in the excitement of it all, and keep your wits about you. Pay attention to what your new friend is saying about himself, how well he hears what you are saying, and look for clues to character. Your job in the dating game is to figure out if the other person is the right kind of person for you. Watch for clues about how he handles money, whether the two of you can disagree and work it out, and, if he has to be right about everything -- run!

For more helpful ideas for dating and building a relationship, please read "Aspects of Love" and "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"  You'll also find help and information in Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Should I say yes to him?

Dear Dr. Romance:

My boyfriend of a month and a week was planning a surprise for my birthday (he was trying to keep it a secret.) well we got in to a fight 3 days ago and last night I took him back. He was talking to my bff on IM and he told her I took him back and told her he was going to propose to me on my birthday to prove that he loves me, and he was stupid and told me he had a big surprise for me. I didn't want to wait and he wouldn't tell me then he says that she knows so don't ask her. 

I did and after about an half hour of begging her to tell me he got online and she told him I was mad cuz she wouldn't tell me. Well I figured it out and I asked her and she wouldn't tell me if I was right so I assumed I was and they were talking about it and he asked her to lie to me and say that's not what he was planning she ended up sending me that part saying damn it she knows please tell her no that's not it she said I'm not fond of lying and he said please. Well I freaked out a little in a bad way. I told him if he is planning to do that to expect disappointment and she said that today he said he was going to ask me any way I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice? I mean I love him but I don't know if I should be his wife after all we have only been dating for a month and a week. Can you help me? 

Dear Reader:

Of course you're not ready to be married to someone you've only known for five weeks. Actually, I don't think you're ready right now to be anyone's wife. You need to grow up first. So does your boyfriend, and your friend doesn't sound helpful, either. Talking behind your boyfriend's back, guessing instead of asking, and throwing temper tantrums is not a very grownup way to communicate or to develop a healthy relationship. You both need to calm down, learn to talk about things rationally, and understand what a mature, healthy relationship is. Instead of saying yes, say "I love you, but I don't think we're ready to be married yet."  Then work with him (leave your bff out of it) to be more mature about your interactions.    "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship?" and "Stupid Cupid" will help you figure out what a healthy relationship is, and how to build one. How To Be A Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will teach you how to communicate effectively, make plans and agreements that work, and solve problems together. That's what marriage is really about.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Am I Single?

Dear Dr. Romance: 

My friends were joking that I have never been single, and I argued that I have - but they said my definition of being single was wrong! true, I tend to have long term relationships, but before I met my last boyfriend I was "single" for nearly a year. I define this as not exclusively being in a committed relationship with any one person, but yes I dated a few guys. they say that because I was dating, I wasn't single: what is your view on this?? (I'll award best answer to someone who supports my argument lol) 

Dear Reader:

The definition of "single" varies. Some people who are getting divorced or already separated identify themselves as single. People also lie and say they're single when they're in a committed relationship or a marriage. I think that what single should mean is that you're not exclusively dating one person, or committed to anyone, or still married, even if you're separated.  I don't agree that single means the same thing as celibate. Don't assume your date is exclusive with you if you've never talked about it.  "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  will help you find a great relationship. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you go from dating to commitment.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: Without Ego

Dr. Romance writes: 

 

When  reading philosophical  teachings and writings, I often wonder why the body and the ego are seen so negatively, as if they somehow are antithetical to spirituality.  Although ego, body and mind are not all we are, each is part, an expression of the whole self, included in our precious gifts from God, the Universe, Life, Spirit. It would be as sensible to hate or degrade a mathematical problem given me by a teacher for learning purposes.  Of course I can be frustrated in my efforts to solve a difficult problem; that is merely an expression of my eagerness to achieve. How much easier on me, however, to enjoy the puzzle, to marvel at my reasoning processes and their growth and  development as I draw nearer, bit by bit, to the solution.  Even so, frustrated or not, I learn.

 

There  are  those of us who love school, and those who hate it. Nevertheless, we are all in school. And the ego, the mind and the body are our major learning tools.    Through them, we learn the concepts  of   attachment/detachment, freedom/responsibility, joy/pain, wisdom/ignorance. These concepts, once grasped and mastered, are our prerequisites for the next level of learning in which we are (perhaps)  freed of  body/ego  and introduced to new tools.

 

If I reject my body, my ego, or my so-called negative emotions, I am rejecting myself.  If I reject myself, I am rejecting a holy creation and gift.  If I reject or denigrate integral parts of my self, then I am split, dysfunctional, not whole, and not comfortable in my body and with my sense of self.  How much more joyful it is to regard my life as the finest Montessori School of all time, where the sandbox and mudpuddles offer learning experiences equally as rich and essential as do the books of poetry and lofty philosophy.

 

Without body:

 

We couldn’t enjoy the many sensory and sensual experiences of this life

We wouldn’t learn the invaluable lessons of getting obsessive about those experiences, and learning the self-control they teach us.

We would miss out on learning to love and cherish our brief moments on this planet, the fleeting nature of which is reflected back to us by the body’s aging process.

We wouldn’t be able to interact on a cellular level with the air, food, minerals, water, and the other beings, literally becoming one with the planet on a daily basis.

We would miss the powerful lessons we’re learning right now, that if we pollute our environment, we pollute ourselves – physically, emotionally and spiritually.

We would not have the viceral (gut) experiences of the physical components of our emotion – the hormonally driven ecstasy and agony of emotional joy and pain.

We’d miss out on so much of artistic expression – dance, the musical beat that originally was born of heartbeat, sound, light, color, poetry, theater and all the rest of that exuberance.

 

Without ego:

We’d  have no control over our emotions, and be battered around by them, like a ship in a stormy sea with no rudder.

We wouldn’t be able to protect ourselves against others’ emotions and feelings, and every little thing others said and did would cut us to the quick.

We wouldn’t be able to make plans and follow through to reach goals

We couldn’t keep ourselves going in a productive direction when obstacles come along

We’d have no sense of who we are, how we are the same or different from others, and we’d never learn the lessons of shared humanity.

 

As a psychologist, I seek to help people integrate all the components of ego, body, emotions, mind and spirit until they all work together in a healthy human way.  Perfection is not the goal: healthy living is.  When your body (with all its human flaws and imperfections) functions well, all its many cells, organs, hormones, fluids, muscles, bones, nerves and sinews cooperate and work together to help you experience and express your life.  When your body, mind, spirit, emotions (and yes, your ego) work together, spirit doesn’t have to work against ego, ego doesn’t have to work against spirit, and there’s no internal fight; no struggle for supremacy, no inner denial or right/wrong battle.  Each component does its part, and all work together to help you become the most shining example of who you are.  That’s what the old gospel song about “this little light of mine” and “inner light” or “inner spirit” means: when all of who we are works together, we are free to be the best of who we were born to be.

 

When I think of my body with all its billion miracles and exquisitely effective methods of expression both conscious and unconscious; with all its components of which I approve and those for which I have enough self-denial to disapprove; I am suddenly reminded to regard my whole self (body, mind, spirit, emotions, and ego ) with the awe, gratitude, and gentleness I deserve.  I know I can count on all my component parts to help me through my lessons for when my body, my ego, or my feelings you insist I focus my attention I cannot deny them.

 

My Ego has a sharply focused viewpoint; boundless pride; a fine-tuned sensitivity to others' egos; and the ability to keep me focused: on my uniqueness  (often auto-interpreted as weirdness); my responsibility to me; and my essential human aloneness.  It is a precious, irreplaceable tool. When I can manage to see myself, not as a disparate collection of separate parts, but as an amazing, cohesive design of interconnected, finely designed components working smoothly together, I am filled with awe at the miracle of each one of us, myself included.  When I stop trying to resist, resent, overpower, deny or ignore parts of myself, and instead seek to help the whole human package be the best I can be, I find myself as peaceful and joyful as I have ever been.

 

I sense that when the time cones to exchange my body/ego for new tools, I will feel bereaved. Let me not waste a moment of this opportunity to learn with such companions as I may not know again, my ego, my emotions, and my body! (From It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction © Tina B. Tessina)

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: What was all this for?

 Dear Dr. Romance:
 
It's funny that many times I talk to my girlfriends about dating and usually get the sister talk that really does not result in much clarity. It's more like we talk to each other to have an opinion. That's not to say none of my girls make much since, it's just they mostly comment in a sort of one sided (my side) way- understandable.
 
Recently I dated a guy who is about 5 years younger than I am. I'm 30. He's 25. When we met I was so done with dating and only did it as a 'hobby' - I was not looking to be with anyone. A friend of mine from church suggested I date since I'd moved to her smaller town for work (TV producing) and all I did was work and go to church. I was also a little depressed about my mother having had a stroke and not being able to be there for her even though she was much better at the time...
 
So I started to date.... the first time ever, I dated 6 men in about 6 months... I have always been the career oriented person and not dating... after a while I was fed up with the craziness of people pretending to be someone they are not because they want you to like them. I call it meeting their "PR" person. I'd given up and wanted nothing to do with men when I met Mr. X. I was walking home from work as I did Monday - Friday when I ran into him in my apartment building. At that moment the weirdest feeling came over me, it was as if I was floating and time had stopped. I was suddenly happy for no reason. We spoke, flirted with our eyes and the tone in our voices...  then we went separate ways. I thought to myself, "only if I see him again randomly was there a purpose in our meeting." This was because he told me what apartment number he was in and I wanted to see him again so bad but refused to go knock on his door. A week later I saw him again. He told me he'd seen me many times before when I told him I've never seen him before the week prior. He'd lived there for 2 years, I'd only been there for 6 months.
 
Anyway fast forward a bit... I found out he was younger and expressed my dis-interest in dating a guy so much younger than me, he was 23 I was 28... We talked some more... I thought we were friends, he told me age is irrelevant, we ended up dating for almost 2 years. We have so much in common, we clicked from the beginning and had a blast until...
 
The problem aroused when his mother learned about me and my age, she disapproved. She was nice to me but would try to hook him up with women behind my back. I knew because he told me. Then the Monday following Thanksgiving (after having spent it with him, his mom and his mother's family) I was on the way home and ran into him escorting a woman to his apartment. I found out from the woman that her sister went to church with his mother and his mother connected the two of them.
 
About 5 months before that he told me he loved me (for the first time). It took him a week to do it (odd behavior for a week- calling my name and staring at me with nothing to say then saying something stupid like pass me that pen). Then when he told me his mother was trying to hook him up with another woman I told him she didn't like me-because I was older; he assured me his mother did like me and that he was not interested in dating anyone else.
 
For a year I struggled with moving on, which was very hard because he became very hard towards me (treating other women with more respect, but constantly telling me he loved me and missed me) also saying let's just be friends.
 
He is hoping to start his residency to be a doctor in May, I am completing my first year in law school. We no longer live in the same State and he may be moving anywhere soon.
 
I am writing because this was the longest relationship I'd ever been in and the first guy I met and had, 'the-world-has-stopped-and-life-is-lovely' feelings towards so I wanted to know if you could tell me, what was all this for? Part of me thinks because he never loved before he's major confused; part of me thinks he wants to please his mother and that's why we couldn't last.   At any rate, I don't understand why people say I love you if they don't really know that they do (dated a guy when I was 24 who wanted to get married, he married his ex- and now going thorough divorce asking me to 'let's start over, and plan to be married in 1 year;' he said I love you and wasn't sure; he said it took him years to realize he really loved me) I am struggling to not talk to him at all this year and have blocked his number from my cell so that I can't call or text him and vise versa. It is very difficult because we've been through so much good and bad. Also because I lived in the apartment directly above him we were always together; seeing each other every day that is. I feel incomplete without him and yet we have chosen to move on. I also decided I we can't friends because our heart is too involved. We've tried. There's been trust issues, anger issues, love and sadness; I'm focusing on me and moving on but I still wonder what was all this for?
 
Dear Reader:
 
Yes, it is understandable that your girlfriends take your side.  They are your friends.  I like your idea of dating being meeting the "PR" person. I don't think a five-year age difference is significant.  I'm sorry his mom interfered, but it doesn't sound like he was at all ready to be in a committed relationship, which is understandable, since he was going to med school.
 
There's more than one kind of love. There's fantasy romantic love, which is what he was expressing when he told you he loved you and then changed his mind.  Real partnership love, which is what you need to sustain a relationship, is very different, and doesn't leave you confused.
 
I'm sorry you've been disappointed. I think your decision to not be friends is good for the time being, because you're going to need a break to let him go.  Maybe what it was for was to get you interested in having a partner who will last.  Consider it a 'starter relationship' which was there to open your heart again.  Get busy in your life, and in school.  If you're around people, you'll find someone soon.  You'll find Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today helpful, and  "Stupid Cupid" will help you find out if a relationship is going to work.  Best of luck to you. 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Why am i intimidating?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Why am i intimidating? after i start talking to guys and I've hooked up with them, some have told me i am intimidating and they become shy in person. I'm not like scary or creepy or anything. (I'm tall, skinny, blonde hair n blue eyes.) but is there anything i can do to fix that? Is it a bad thing"?

 

Dear Reader:

You don't appear to have trouble attracting a first date, so I'm going to take a wild guess that you either talk too much about yourself, or you argue with whatever the guy is saying. So, try listening more, and discussing the issues rather than arguing or objecting. "How to Be Irresistible to your Mate" has guidelines for being more open and cooperative. "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will show you how to get from the first date to many future dates.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will answer all your dating questions.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Incomparable?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Incomparable? I was in a beautiful meaningful relationship that led to a too brief but wonderful marriage until tragedy struck and my husband died two years ago. I rejoined the dating world nine months ago and am having a difficult time finding someone who can measure up to my standards. My late husband was handsome, funny, sensitive, romantic, trusting honest, caring, and was my best friend. It is because of him that I know what true love feels like. Counseling has taught me not to compare others to him. What would you suggest?

Dear Reader: 

I'm glad you've learned not to compare others to him. It's too easy to bestow sainthood on a person who has passed, and no real human can live up to it. You're just coming out of your grief and emotional shock, so take your time. Focus on making friends and getting to know new people: not on finding a "replacement" for the person you lost. He'll never be replaced, but you can try a whole new thing with a different person. In Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  I recommend having a "beginner's mind" (a Zen Buddhist concept), which means being willing to start from scratch, allow yourself to feel awkward and new at this.  Seek to learn, to experience, and regard it as a new adventure. Don't compare it to anything you've done before. You've been through a life-changing experience, and you're a whole new person now, so approach it that way. You'll learn about yourself as well as others, and eventually you'll find happiness. The article "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" will help you understand the grief process you're going through and what it's like to come out on the other side.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]