Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: It's as if something turned out bad

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have a friend who's asking for an advice and accidentally, I saw in the Internet your advices to some heart problems. So I told myself to try ask help from you also. This lady friend of mine is well, kind of in love with a man who's also in love with her. However, a friend of us also is I think falling in love with the same man. So, my lady friend does not know what to do.  Is it just right for her to tell to the man she is in love with him even if doing so will hurt our other friend?  Because the advice that I had given to her is to better tell what she feels.

And also, she does not know if the man still loves her because recently, he acts somewhat different. It's as if something turned out bad. I hope you can give some advice.

Dear Reader:

What are the facts? If this guy is dating both women, then he's just having a good time, and not thinking about commitment. If he's not dating either, then this is all just fantasy. Both ladies should stick with reality, and not get too far into their hopes about this guy. The big question is, has he asked either or both of them out on a date? If he has dated your friend, it is probably too soon to tell him what she feels; but ask him what he wants to do about their friendship. If he hasn't dated her, she should take the lead and ask him out to coffee or lunch, to let him know she's interested. Whatever she does, she shouldn't make a dramatic declaration of feelings unless he does. That will just spook him, and send him away.

"Guidelines for Successful Dating" and  "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" will help your friend see relationships differently. 

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help your friend sort out her feelings, and figure out what the right kind of relationship is for her.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on: Why does my partner insist on being right?

When your partner refuses to help solve the problem, you have no choice but to focus on your own need until you get cooperation.

As long as you offer every opportunity to cooperate and you extend an invitation to your partner to join you whenever he or she wishes, you are free to focus your attention on solving the problem for yourself.

If you try to please your partner at your own expense, there is no chance for both of you to be satisfied. Once you’ve tried to cooperate without getting support, the best solution is a course of action that puts you in control of your well-being and separates you from the effect of your partner’s resistance. The following steps ensure you can be sure you've given your partner ample opportunity to cooperate, and you're not overreacting.

Dr. Romance's Guidelines For Solving It Yourself

1. Be sure you've made a thorough attempt to negotiate. Don’t go to Solving it for Yourself until you’ve made an honest effort to engage your partner in negotiation – not just fighting.

2. Tell your partner what you are doing. State clearly that you have attempted to negotiate the problem, that your assessment is that your partner doesn't want to work on it, that you would prefer to work on it together, but that you've decided what you are going to do about it on your own. You might want to say you’re sad to have to do this, and you’re protecting what's good about the relationship.

3. Invite your partner to negotiate at any time. Say that you are going to follow your own solution, but that you are open to discussing it at any time. This is your open invitation to negotiate, which keeps it from becoming become a power play.

4. Communicate your good will. Let your partner know that you value him or her and the partnership, and you don't like having to make unilateral decisions, but you feel you have no choice, because your partner won’t work on it with you.

5. Be sure your solution solves the problem for you, even if you think your partner may not like it. If the solution works for both of you, the problem is solved, and needs no further discussion. if your partner is not satisfied with your solution, he or she has already been invited to negotiate, and being left out is a powerful incentive.

To get a different perspective, imagine what you would do about the problem if your partner weren't part of it. What would you do if your best friend were involved? Considering a relationship problem from the vantage point of a single person often points out places where you're being needlessly dependent.

Hopefully, you will seldom need to solve a problem without your partner's cooperation, but knowing you can solve the problem for yourself and still leave the door open to your partner's participation means you can remain calm and gentle in the face of a partner's reluctance to cooperate.

For more on this: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Everyone Thinks all truck drivers are perverts

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm in my forties, divorced, and debt free. I have a great credit score. My favorite hobby is Amateur Radio. Other hobbies are listening to shortwave radio programs and studying maps.

The down side is that I'm currently a truckdriver. Naturally, everyone thinks that ALL truckdrivers are perverts. Wrong answer! Are all female bosses yuppies or control freaks?

I think I'm a catch, but I'm having a difficult time meeting people.  Bars aren't working, and church doesn't seem to, either. 

Dear Reader:

Wow, a new pickup truck and a great credit score! What a catch! You're right that bars don't work. It's tough for a truck driver, because you're on the road a lot. If you're going to church, make sure you go to coffee hour. Talking to people and making friends is the best way to meet a partner. "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" puts dating into a metaphor you'll understand  and  "Where is Love" will help you restructure your thinking and actions.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  is exactly what you need to figure out how to meet the right partner.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am very confused and disillusioned

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a youthful and attractive woman, mid-fifties, who is so confused about online and ads for meeting men. I have been wounded by these men who, after some meetings with them and being promised by THEM that they want to take me for dinner within a few days, they set the time etc. and then BOOM, never do I hear from them again. also, even before meeting them, just via the phone, they ask me how thin I am, what my pension is, if I will have one and the like.

I am so vey confused, upset and disillusioned and believe that my chances have gone by in my 20's. i am very discouraged by this and it seems to always happen to me in this way. do others have these problems tina or are there so very many broken down men? i know how very busy you must be, but would LOVE to hear something of a response or a recommended read, workshop etc. to restore my confidence and faith.

Dear Linda:

Actually, the older you are, the less online sites will work for you, and they don't work that great to begin with. Even the people who successfully meet find they have little in common most of the time.

But, don't despair.  "Where is love?" and "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"  will help you find find what you're looking for.

To find a life mate, don't focus on dating. Instead, use what I call the "get a life" method. Focus on activities that you enjoy (sports, classes, or political, social, charitable or religious activities ) which involve meeting other people and creating a social circle. When you were in high school or college, you were in the perfect environment for dating and making friends, so seek to duplicate that environment. If you are doing things that are meaningful to you, you'll automatically have something in common with anyone you meet there. It will also move your focus from desperation to something productive, which will bring out your most attractive character traits. As a bonus, you also get to observe that person around other people, which will tell you a lot about his/her character. Dating doesn't happen until you are already quite sure you two are mutually compatible and interested, and success is almost guaranteed.

As people mature they get wiser, and learn to look past the outer package, and focus more on the person within. It's the character of the person that will determine whether your relationship will be a success, not his or your outward appearance. Here are some Dating Do's and Don'ts to help:

Dating Do's and Don'ts

DO'S

*Do 'shop around:' don't stay focused on one person until you've given yourself a choice.

*Do listen. Don't monopolize the conversation. You'll learn even more about your date, and be more relaxed.

*Do focus on friendship. This early, you can't know where it might go, so concentrate on developing the friendship. You can have as many friends as you want.

*Do get feedback. Offer your comments on the event or the restaurant, and ask your date what he or she thought of it, for future reference.

*Do let your date know if you enjoyed his/her company. A complement is always welcome. If you'd like to do it again, say so.

*If you promise to call, mean it. If you've decided not to continue the relationship but feel you can't say so, don't make empty promises.

*Do tell the truth: don't lie, but also don't share too much too soon. You don't need to tell your date about other dates if you two have no agreement about exclusivity.

*Do pay attention to the clues about your date: you need to learn about this person's character, not just looks and charm.

DON'TS

*Don't assume your date is exclusive with you if you've never talked about it.

*Don't be afraid of silence. Occasional silences allow a conversation to feel natural and unforced.

*Don't make sex the objective. Good reasons for going slowly into sexual activity include: reducing the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and AIDS; avoiding the awkwardness of intimacy with a total stranger; avoiding codependent obsession; and having sex to look forward to. If and when sex is right, it will happen: there's no advantage in rushing.

*Don't date beyond your budget. It doesn't impress your date if, in the long run, you have to make an embarrassing confession, and "buying" someone's company doesn't work. A wide disparity in income calls for frank discussion early on. If your date spends a lot on you, reciprocating with a home-cooked meal, a hand-made gift, or needed repair work will even the tally.

*Don't get too self-conscious. The media focus on youth and fitness these days can make anyone feel insecure and unattractive. Look your best, then forget about it. Instead of worrying what your date thinks of you, focus on what you think of your date.

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will help you get a better handle on who you are and how to present yourself to men, and what things to be wary of.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: is it natural for a man to masturbate?

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I am single man, I have question for you, is it natural for a man to masturbate? I normally, do it everyday, sometimes 4 times a day. Tell me if its wrong or normal to fantasize my cousin and she is a woman? Is it that wrong thing to do? I love to masturbate and to me its fun and great feeling. Do you have any advice. I want to know if there is anything wrong with me. I need your help.

Dear Reader:

There is nothing wrong with masturbation. What seems to be wrong is that you have too much time for it, and I'm guessing, because you're fantasizing about your cousin, you don't have enough contact with other girls. 

My advice is to get a life. Get out and get busy. Work off some of your excess energy. If you're in school, get involved in some activities, or get a part-time job. If you're out of school, you need an adult life: work, friends, social activities. Join some groups. Get something going for yourself. Don't turn into an isolated creep who only lives a fantasy life.  "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" will get you started on a healthier focus, and "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will show you how to prepare for successful dating.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction has the information you need to get in charge of your life, to motivate yourself and to choose a healthy focus.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Relationships 101: Do Opposites Attract?

Dr. Romance writes: It seems logical that like would attract like, but in my private practice as a marriage counselor and psychotherapist, I often see people drawn to their opposite ‑‑ because it's new and exciting.

However, what’s exciting in the newness of romance often becomes unbearable in the constant contact of a long time relationship.  If you and your partner don’t have a certain degree of similarity, your relationship will be too stressful to last. On the other hand, if you’re too similar, your relationship could be boring. The excitement and challenge of your relationship comes from your differences; the security and ease of your relationship comes from your similarities.

Here are some relationship dynamics you can learn to understand to overcome challenging differences between you and your partner:

Gender differences

Although times are changing, most men and women are socialized differently as children, and these differences can trip us up in romantic relationships. Women's and men's brains, and therefore language processing and reasoning, are organized differently. Cultural anthropologists theorize that it's because of the different survival skills they needed to learn. They maintain it takes different perception, ideation, cognition and communication skills to raise a baby versus hunting down a mammoth. Whatever the case, the differences can be bridged.

The main thing you need to understand is that most women take a meandering mental route, full of emotional (and distracting for men) side trips, which are rich in meaning for the female. It is why research shows that women are so good at multitasking, cooperation and relationship‑building and less focused on reaching a specific goal. Men value competency and problem solving. Women value intimacy and emotional connection. Women, you may think he's focused entirely on time, power, or money, but what he's really trying to do is create enough security that he can feel safe to let his guard down. Men, you might think she's illogical or irrational, but she's responding to emotional cues you haven't been trained to see.

Different Families and/or Cultures

It's not just that "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" ‑‑ it's that all of us have grown up on different planets. Whatever your family did seems "normal" and "right" to you, and couples can get caught up in arguing about who's right rather than focusing on what will work. This is especially difficult in mixed‑culture families. Blended couples have blended children, who need both cultures. Learning to combine traditions, cuisines, and family celebrations can really create a brand new culture that celebrates everyone. When a couple can accomplish this the result is joyful.

Coming Together

When your differences are grating against each other, you need to stop insisting you're right or your partner is wrong, and seek to re‑establish your connection. To reconnect, be sure you are listening to each other and understanding your mutual needs and wants. The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about, and needed. If you really want to revive your relationship, begin not by complaining about your needs that aren't being met, but by focusing on understanding your partner's needs, and communicating what you want. Once you make the connection, you can begin to work out the issues.

Intimacy Breaks Barriers

Intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted. When this feeling is created, barriers fall. Gentle touch, eye contact, a gentle sense of humor, and the right words all create an intimate atmosphere. Commenting positively on your partner's looks or the day's activities will also help. Partners often disconnect when they don't feel interested in each other anymore. When there's a problem with intimacy, a partner who's sympathetic and doesn't make demands can be very healing and appealing.

Four simple steps to create a successful relationship despite your differences:

1. Talk frequently and honestly to each other about your frustrations, about intimacy, about anger, about disappointment, about your appreciation of each other, about the meaning of life, about everything.

2. Strive to work together to solve anything that comes up. Learn to be a team, a partnership. Don't get stuck on who's right or wrong. Instead, focus on what will solve the problem.

3. Keep your connection going through communication, affection, understanding, and mutual concern for one another.

4. Have a sense of humor, give the benefit of the doubt, and lighten up. Try not to react so dramatically, and let small things roll off your back. When you follow these four steps, your differences won't separate you ‑‑ they'll excite you.  Adapted from Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Everyone has been trying to reunite me with my exes.

Dear Dr. Romance:

EVERYONE, yes EVERYONE has been TRYING and FAILING at having me reunite with one of my exes…or Something like that. My asinine brother took out pictures of my ex-husband of 9 years and started guilt-tripping me. The funny thing is this: I remained on good terms with ALL of my exes for reasons. I have NO Interest in running into anyone who I shared even a short period of my life with and having drama. It serves no good. Hence…the good term theory.

I WILL say that upon certain visits, they have all made advances (some which may have been allowed…others that I turned the other cheek at).

I can honestly say that this policy has served me for all of these years, yet when I was laid-off from my career position last year, it has been a never-ending cycle of nosey people getting overly-involved in my romantic life. I am MORE in love with my work and the joy it brings than that of any ex-men…Lol. Sorry, but it’s true. Most would be able to tell you that when I am in a romantic relationship, I can be VERY good to my man. However, with a situation such as this, I don’t see being much of anything to him (whoever he will eventually be). I vow to NOT be in a romantic relationship until I have MY life and MY happiness back. That’s a promise that I have made to myself (and I REFUSE to break it). Seems fair, right?

Dear Reader:

You must be surrounded with people who love you and worry about you. Yes, they may be heavy-handed about trying to get you re-connected with your exes, and I know it's annoying, but keep in mind that they're trying to help. The best thing to do is to tell them what kind of help you want. Say, "Thanks for caring about me; but if you really want to help, what I need is a job, not a man; and definitely not someone who didn't work out the first time."  

I applaud your focus on getting on a solid footing before opening up your romantic life again. More power to you. You need to feel solid in your life in order to find the right relationship. "Your Primary Relationship" and "Your Job on Earth" will help you in your quest to set your life right.   When you're ready to form a new relationship, you'll know it, and if I can help, let me know.

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty is the perfect guide for your current quest.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm in my late 40s and feeling very unhopeful about my future love life.

Dear Dr. Romance

I am in a terrible funk over a failed relationship that lasted 2 years and I thought would lead to marriage. We met online and now I'm afraid if I go online again, he will see my profile and/or I will see his. I took this breakup so hard, the thought of that happening just makes me cringe. I understand one can block certain online names, but if he has changed his how will I know? Also, can you give me any tips on getting over this? I'm in my late 40s and feeling very unhopeful about my future love life.

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I know it's painful, and I'm concerned that you're worried about whether he sees you're online. That may mean you're not healed enough from your grief to risk dating again.  Maybe you need to withdraw for a little while, and focus on healing.  "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again"  will help you go through your grief and bounce back to a positive outlook.  

If you're not together any more, then you need to stop focusing on him, what he thinks, or what he's doing. Let him go. Put your focus on yourself. The following tips will help.

Dr. Romance on how to handle a bad breakup:

DO put it in perspective
If you're dumped, it hurts, but count your lucky stars. You don't have a relationship if the other person's not really interested.

DO understand that there were problems already
It's never easy to find out that your relationship, long or short, is over. Once bonded, even if the relationship is terrible, both men and women have trouble breaking away. So if you're dumped, the other person really wanted out.

DON'T idealize a bad relationship:
In counseling people who got dumped, every client realized the warning signs that were ignored early in the relationship. Don't pick out the few good moments you remember and ignore what wasn't working.

DO try to learn from the experience
After the initial upset, review the dynamics of the relationship and analyze what went wrong, what you could have done differently, and what you learned. There's no need to give yourself a hard time about it, just process the information, so you don't repeat mistakes.

DON'T expect closure from the dumper
It is lovely when two civilized grown-ups can dissect what happened in the relationship, tell the truth, ask for forgiveness and absolve each other. But this usually happens years later. Closure requires getting truthful answers to your questions about what happened -- to understand why. After a breakup, both of you are upset, hurt, and guilty and probably won't be telling the truth, even if you understand it. Neither of you really wants to hear the truth this soon. Longing to talk "just once more" to your ex is just asking for pain. 

Dr. Romance's  tips to moving on emotionally after a split

1. If you gave it your best shot, and you know it's over, don't waste time in resentment and anger, it's self-destructive. Let go. Do your grieving, cry, write about your feelings, ("How to Write a Love Letter" is good for this) and talk about it with a trusted friend or a counselor. Have a "letting go" ceremony with close friends, and say goodbye to your relationship. Put reminders away for a while.

2. Don't hesitate to get therapy to help you through this transition, so you can grieve what's lost (even if you're the one who left, you've lost your hopes and dreams for this marriage) and move your focus on to building a good life in your new circumstance. A professional viewpoint will help you move from past to present, and plan for the future.

3. This is an important time to have your friends or family around you, you need support. Don't isolate. You don't have to go right out and date again (go slow with that) but you should have a social life with friends and family. Even if you don't think you feel ready to see people, see your closest friends and spend time with them. They'll help you heal, and remind you that you still have people who love you.

 4. Focus on re-building your life; on the practical things you need to do and think. Get your emotional, personal and financial life together as soon as you can. Think about all the things you've been freed up to do, and do some of them. Try things you would never have done before, or things you've always wanted to do. As Gatsby said "Living well is the best revenge." Use the energy from your anger and grief, and channel them into doing things just for you. Try out for that local theater, take dancing lessons or an art class, learn to scuba dive, plant a garden. All of those things will keep you focused on the present and the future, instead of the past.

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will give you more help to restructure your life and your self-image.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I feel like such a damned freak.

Dear Dr. Romance:

My entire adult life, I have gone out to all the places you're told to go to meet someone special. Nothing. I never even get asked out. It's like I'm invisible, and my life has wasted away because there's not a damn thing I can to do to 'make' someone want me. I'm no size 0, but I'm not an elephant either. I have a great personality (that one again!), but I can't get my friends to understand that I simply refuse to put myself through more pain and humiliation by putting myself out there, and never getting chosen. I feel like such a damned freak. Can you help me?"

Dear Reader:

You're not a freak. Lots of good, worthwhile people have this problem. Have you had someone review your online profile? Maybe it doesn't really let people know who you are. Going to a party and sitting on the sidelines waiting for someone to ask you is a losing proposition for anyone.

Get your great personality front and center, where guys can see it. Go to small group activities, where you can actually talk to people. If you are at a big event, learn how to approach a guy and say, "Hi. How are you tonight?" Compliment something he's wearing, like "That's an interesting belt, or shoes." And when he says "thank you," ask a question about it. "Why did you choose that one?" Saying pleasant things, followed by simple questions, gets the conversation going. "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"  has all the information you need to catch your guy.  "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will show you how to interact successfully on a date. 

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today can help you find a partner, and set yourself up for a great relationship.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Finding Love During Quarantine

Dr. Romance writes:

Normally, I recommend getting face to face as soon as possible, because you get so many clues, including pheromones, that you don’t get over phone, texting, email or video. However, these are not normal times, and we’re sheltering in place, so face to face is out, unless you want to risk getting within six feet of each other. Keep in mind that people can be infected and not know it, so be extra cautious. Dating online is the best option, because you can connect through video, phone, text and email. Face to face meeting should be put off until after sequestering is done. Keep in mind that, while most people will be genuine, some bad actors can fake things and mislead you.

Dr. Romance's tips for Meeting People on Non-Dating Sites:

How to find love during quarantine:
1. You need to find people, so join as many video conference meetings as you can manage. There are online book clubs, special interest groups, fan clubs, and classes. Join whatever strikes your fancy, something you’re interested in is a good idea. Make sure they are interactive, where you can see and connect with the other people. You can try anything and if you don’t like it, or there are no suitable people there, don’t go back after the first session.
2. If you can’t find a suitable group, start one on Facebook or other social media.
3. When someone says something interesting, comment on it. That’s how connections start.
4. Try several dating apps, until you find one you like, and plan on connecting with a lot of unsuitable people before you find a good one.
5. You can meet people anywhere: online at the bank, in the grocery store, at Starbucks. Even though you have masks on, strike up a conversation: “Have you ever tried this frozen dinner?” “ I see you bought …… How do you like it?” You won’t know anything about anyone unless you speak up and have a conversation.
6. If you walk or jog regularly, wave at people you see often. If you see someone interesting along the way, stop and begin a conversation
7. Focus on making friends. That’ s a lot less aggressive than looking for someone to date. And, if you make a few friends in addition to finding people to date, it’s a bonus.

For more on finding a new partner, Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today 
 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I feel terrible about not keeping the promises I made

Dear Dr. Romance:

My story will probably sound like a thousand others you've heard, but I am in desperate need of some answers. I am in my fifties, my wife is a few years younger. My wife had a hysterectomy about 15 years ago, so menopause is not likely part of this equation. As you are probably guessing, a large part of our problem has to do with the lack of intimacy and sex. We had talks about this a few different times, and she would promise to do better. "Better" never happened, and I became frustrated.

In February of this year, I began an extramarital affair with a married woman who was not getting the attention she needed at home either, plus her husband has been abusive to her. I know her husband, as I worked at the same place with him a few years back, and I can see how he could easily be that way. As time progressed, we developed very strong feelings for each other, far beyond friendship, intimacy, and sex. We both decided to leave our respective marriages, and to be together. We made plans, got an apartment, bought furniture, she moved her grammar school age son into the school district near the apartment, so on and so forth.

Last Thursday, I told my wife of my intentions, and I moved out. The lady I am seeing is living with me at this time. I do care deeply for this woman, but the guilt of what I have done to my wife is eating me alive. Yesterday, I told my girlfriend about what I was feeling, and that I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to handle all of this. Naturally, she was very upset and distraught over the possibility that I could be having second thoughts. It would be virtually impossible for her to go back home, because of the past circumstances, and she is not really able to support herself on her own. There would be no child support, as her son is from a rape she experienced prior to being married. I did promise her that I would follow through on this, and I'm sure at least part of her decision to leave her husband was based on having the security that I would provide. I don't know if the uncertainty I am feeling about all of this is due to guilt, part of a natural grieving process, or if I am having second thoughts. If I go back home to my wife, I feel that she would take me back, provided that we would go through some serious counseling. 

If I leave this woman I am with, I will feel terrible about not keeping the promises that I made to her, and leaving her in a position to where she couldn't now take care of herself. To make matters worse, her mother, who has been very domineering to her over the years, was very much against her making this decision, and she says she could not bear having to face that, if I left. I suppose that I've gotten myself into a fine mess here, but I bet I'm not the first or only one who ever has. I have been married to my wife for almost 30 years, and outside the intimacy and sex issue, there have never been any real problems between us. I am a religious person, believe it or not, and have been praying diligently for some help and guidance. Before you suggest it, I really don't think that I would feel comfortable going to my pastor about this. Is there any advice that you can give me? I'm desperate. Thanks in advance

Dear Reader:

Whether you go to your pastor or someone else, you need to get counseling, all by yourself, before you make any more decisions. You are ruining lives here, yours and everyone else's. I can understand feeling deprived and falling in love outside your marriage.  But your actions are not correct. You are acting emotionally immature, and your lover doesn't seem to be much more mature. There's a child's life involved as well. You are acting out of desperation, and it's running all your decisions, which means they are bad ones. There's already been a lot of irreparable damage.

"Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will show you how to find a local counselor and make an appointment right away. You need someone objective to help you sort out this mess. "You be the Judge" will help you understand how to use your judgment in making decisions.

In the meantime, It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction has the information you need to become more emotionally mature and learn to make better decisions.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: From a phone call every day to a dead end.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am new to the entire single scene. Recently I met someone and after a couple of dates, he started to email me with a lot of sexual inquires. I ignored some of it and sometimes I would put a little tease in the reply.

When he started getting more vulgar I want this and I want to do this...I emailed him back and told him I was very uncomfortable and wanted to take time to get to know him better.

From a phone call every other day to a dead end. I am thankful to weed this one out of my future potential partners.

Dear Reader:

I'm so glad you got rid of him, and I hope you learned to do it quicker. When a guy doesn't respect you in the first few dates, he never will.  We all hate to be unkind, but when you encounter someone who does not honor the social contract of respect and politeness, sometimes being blunt is the only option.    "You Be The Judge"  will help you understand that using your judgment is a good thing.  "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk"  shows you the signs of emotional blackmail to watch out for.  There's no point in wasting time with a guy who won't respect or care for you.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you find a more reliable and loving guy.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My wife has no sexual fantasies

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been married to my wife for 19 years and I have ask her to tell me her fantasies for along time, she says she has none, Is this possible? She always wants oral sex buts never gives any back, Do you have anything I could try to open her up to new things? 

Dear Reader:

Many women don't have fantasies about sex.  Some women have fantasies about affection and romance, but don't consider them sex fantasies.  If fantasies turn you on, why don't you get some books or magazines which contain sexy stories, like Little Birds by Anais Nin,  or  My Secret Garden: Women's Sexual Fantasies by Nancy Friday, and read them aloud to each other? If she reads romantic books, instead of asking her about her fantasies, ask her to read passages in a book that she thinks are romantic.

Some women really enjoy giving oral sex, others don't. Women with a sensitive gag-reflex may truly have difficulty. Couples need to experiment: she can lick, wrap her hand around the base of the penis to make sure it doesn't go too far into her mouth, etc. But the most important thing is that she feel appreciated rather than pressured. Also, it usually feels more equal if oral sex is a trade off, with both partners giving and receiving.

If you read her some stories about couples having the kind of sex you want, or read out of a book like The Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort, it could be an education as well as a turn-on.  Also, try some of the less graphic erotic movies.  If your wife is somewhat sheltered, and has not seen porn, don't begin with the heavy stuff.  Go to your local video shop, and ask the clerk for some advice on which movies would be sexy, but not too graphic. Or find some online erotica that works.  If your wife enjoys watching those with you, (and if you flatter her and tell her it makes you love her more to do that with her, she probably will)  then you can get gradually sexier movies.  Help her see that it's a complement to her that you want to be more sexual with her.

This must be done rather slowly, which may be difficult if you're feeling deprived and frustrated.  But, if you go too fast, and turn her off, then you're not going to get what you want.  Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Marriage will help you work out your sexual agreements.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Dating as a Single Parent

As a single parent, you probably have so little free time that dating seems an impossible task. Yet, single parents are dating in unprecedented numbers, so if you’re looking for another “head of household” to date, you can find one.

As a responsible parent, you’ll want to be very cautious about whom you date and eventually bring home — for the safety and well-being of your child(ren). You may feel guilty or unsure about whether dating is OK. Of course it is, as long as you do it responsibly, and your children are not disrupted by your dating.

Single parent dating involves finding a quality person you like, who likes you, and who is comfortable with your children. These extra dynamics can be frustrating, but should not be ignored or overlooked.

Pressuring your children to like your date and going too fast for them to get comfortable with the situation will create unnecessary trouble. These guidelines present some guidelines to help you, your children and your new date be more comfortable, and assure that things go smoothly.

If your children are small, they have a right to be primary in your life. They should not have to compete with your new relationship for your time, attention and affection. This takes planning, because your schedule is already full.

Parental Dating Guidelines

* Make sure you know a lot about any new person before inviting him/her into your home

* Make friends before considering a romantic relationship

* Always introduce new adults to your children as friends, nothing more.

* If your children are old enough to have opinions of your new friends, listen to what they have to say.

* Do not pressure your children to like your new friend, or to spend time with him or her.

* Insist that your children behave appropriately and politely to your adult friends.

* Have regular family discussions with your children.

* If you want to get serious with a date, find out his or her feelings about children, especially your children, first.

* Gradually introduce a new date to your children by doing family oriented activities together. Give your children and your date a chance to develop their own relationships.

* Don’t sacrifice your children’s alone time with you to your dating. Don’t miss sport or school events in order to date.

* Don’t share inappropriately with your children. Do not use them as “confidantes” for your relationship confusion or problems. Don’t allow them to find out about your sexual relationship.

From Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Are there dating guidelines for single parents?

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I am an elementary school counselor. If you wouldn't mind, I would like to ask you a question that involves a child of a single parent. This 12 year old boy's father died less than a year ago. His mom has started dating again (I believe this to be too soon). I told the boyfriend that they should be low-key in their dating but the boyfriend disagreed with me as he and the mother felt that they would be deceiving the child. Do you have any general dating guidelines that I could give to this mother and her new boyfriend so they don't upset this child too much? Any information would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.

Dear Reader:

I agree with you that it's very soon, and  the son shouldn't be aware his Mom is dating. She should introduce her new man as a "friend" and act accordingly in front of the son.  "Dating Guidelines for Single Parents" may be helpful to her. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  has a lot more information about single parent dating,  and it will provide her and her boyfriend with healthy relationship and communication skills. If this Mom is not careful, she'll set up competition between her son and her boyfriend.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Our sex life has been very bad

Dear Dr. Romance

My husband of almost 9 years just told me about 2 months ago that he is in love with someone else. About 5 years ago I caught him cheating on me with this girl and he told me that it was over and it was just for the sex. Then 2 years later I found out that he was still with her. Then in June (after the birth of our third child) he told me that he was not just leaving me because he didn't love me anymore but also because he had been in love with someone else. We talked about everything and he has decided to cut her out and try to see if he can fall back into love with me.

Our relationship has had a lot of ups and downs. It started because I got pregnant and he decided that staying with me was the right thing to do. So at first he was not in love with me but he did fall in love with me. Our sex life has been very bad because I have no sex drive (even before he was cheating). When we do have sex I have always enjoyed it.

What I guess I would like advice on is how to help him fall back in love with me. He says that he has no desires to be with me in a sexual way and right now he just feels like we are friends and roommates. So how do you go about trying to reform feelings if you do not act like husband and wife. Is it possible for him to fall back in love with me if he cuts complete ties with the other woman and really wants to stay with me. Do we just try to be friends and enjoy time together and hope that it leads to love again???

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be painful. I'm guessing your husband has resented you from the beginning because you got pregnant and he felt "trapped" into marriage. He's probably had one foot out the door the whole time. Like many men, he feels entitled to sexual gratification, and thinks you didn't live up to your part of the bargain, so he has an excuse for cheating.

You have been pretty naïve throughout your relationship, and now you're getting a painful education. You've fallen for the myth that says that you have to have a sex drive to have sex. In long term relationships you have sex because it feels good and it's good for your marriage, not because you're driven to have it.

The other woman is not your problem. If you want to get your relationship back, you have to get your sexual relationship back. A man like your husband is not going to hang around if sex isn't working. You need to show him he's important to you as more than a dad and a meal ticket.

It could be too late, if he's bonded with this other woman, but it's worth a try if you really want him back.

"Couples Can Cooperate for Success"  will show you how to have a more mutually gratifying relationship. "Better Intimacy, Better Sex" will give you steps to repair your sexual connection.  Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship gives you the tools and techniques to improve every part of your marriage.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm having trouble letting go of a guy who mistreats me

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I'm still having a bit of trouble letting go and cutting off communication with a guy who mistreats me. I understand in my head that this is not right, but I can't seem to get it emotionally. Yesterday was his birthday and particularly difficult to not reply despite his angry words or cursing. Is there any advice you can offer or perhaps additional reading? I'm trying to cement that he is a predator as you said but still rationalize the good aspects of him.

Dear Reader:

I'm glad you wrote. So sorry that you're having trouble. The emotional part of your brain is different from the logical part, which is why you feel so conflicted. Here are the signs of emotional blackmail. See if they ring any bells for you.

Know the signs of emotional blackmail:
1) A demand. Your date won't take "no" for an answer, and requests are really demands.
2) Resistance. When every discussion turns into an argument.
3) Pressure. Your date pressures you to go along.
4) Threats. Your date uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to end the relationship, tears, rage, badgering.
5) Compliance. If you give in, you're setting a dangerous precedent. Your date now knows you can be pressured into giving in to him or her, and this will increase the intensity of what your date is willing to do to pressure you.
6) Repetition. An obsessive person will go through these previous five steps over and over, wearing you down each time. The easiest thing is to be sure when you say "no", it means no.

Read "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship"  and "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship" and "You Be The Judge"  They will help you get into the right part of your mind and resist your feelings.

There is nothing but pain in that relationship for you. Try to find out what you are really longing for -- it isn't actually him, and what you want is not available from him.  There is someone better for you, if you'll just let go and focus on finding a healthier Relationship.

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship  will help you understand how a healthy relationship works.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you find a new, better relationship when you're ready.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance: Is there a right way to ask for more sex?

If you and your partner are not on the same page sexually, you need to learn how to talk with each other about sex: 

Dr. Romance's Guidelines for Creating a Sexual Agreement:

* Set up a problem-solving session:

* Having a time to talk about sex will help you create trust and sexual openness which makes finding solutions much easier.

* Begin with reassurance and good will, reminding each other of your love and of your desire that your sexual relationship be fulfilling for both of you.

* Remember, underneath your anxiety, frustration and struggle, each of you is longing for the other to care about what you want, and to understand you.

* If you have difficulty talking to each other about this, read these guidelines aloud and follow them step-by-step. This is a prime opportunity to improve all the communication in your relationship and get you out of being stuck.

* Remind each other, "I love you, I want our relationship to be good for both of us."

*Share your wants, needs, and ideas: Be honest about your sexual needs. Your partner may feel more like you do about sex than you think; but you'll never know that unless you're willing to express your own feelings and listen to him or her.

*Being honest means not only telling the truth; but also being willing to hear the truth from each other. Making honesty OK is the key to achieving sexual understanding. The only attitude that works is this one: "I may not like what you tell me, I may have trouble hearing it, but I will still love you, and we will work together to come to an agreement that works."

from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: How can I let go of a toxic relationship?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I wonder if you have an article that you've written that you can point me too on how to let go of a toxic relationship. I've been involved for 7 months with a man who is continually evasive, avoidant-attachment, manipulative and I need to figure out how to let this go.

Dear Reader:

Yes, I do.  It's a problem many people, especially women, have.

Once you're bonded with someone, it's very painful to let go. Since most of us like to avoid our feelings, we don't want to do the grieving that's necessary to let go. But, when you've had a loss, there are a certain number of tears you must cry to let go -- getting on with the crying is the fastest way. Even if the dissolution of the relationship was your idea, you may be clinging to a dream -- in denial. A bad relationship can become like an addiction – a difficult habit to break, because you are emotionally attached, and the attached part of you wants to keep trying, while the rational part knows you need to let go.

We also have a lot of cultural mythology about "I'll never stop loving you" and that clinging and martyring to a toxic love means you are truly in love. Clinging to a toxic love is immature, to begin with. A relationship is a partnership, and requires work on both lovers' parts in order to succeed. The initial romance stage isn't supposed to last, the relationship is supposed to grow into a real life partnership, and that requires paying attention, learning and growth. It's not a fairy tale-- it's a real life love story, and well worth the work required. If you give nothing, you get nothing; but you can't be the only one giving. Your partner must be acting in ways that make the relationship better, not worse, also. Sometimes, a toxic partner doesn't really want to be with you, but who either doesn't want to 'hurt you' or is still getting benefits (sex without commitment, you do the laundry, you're willing to take the kids more than your share) that he doesn't want to jeopardize.

Block your ex on the phone, on Facebook, and other social media sites. If you keep looking at his Facebook page, or letting him contact you, you are not grieving and letting yourself heal and move on.

If you gave it your best shot, and you know it's over, or if it never really got started, don't waste time in resentment and anger. Learn to let go. If you're dumping a badly behaved cheater/jerk, be careful. Jerks often throw temper tantrums when they don't get what they want, so break up from a distance. I often advise clients who need to break up with an abusive or violent partner or a stalker to break up via e-mail, to be safer.

If you find you have real reason to doubt this person, and there are real problems, such as lying, severe money problems, a history of alcohol abuse, violence, many past relationship problems, a criminal record, reports of illegal activities, or drug use, do not make excuses, and do not accept promises of change. Change is difficult, and will take a lot of time. Mere promises, no matter how well intended, are not sufficient. Get out of this relationship before you are any more attached, or any more degraded, than you are now. If your partner decides to get help, let him do it because he or she knows they need it, not to get you back. That's not a strong enough motive to keep him committed to change.

To dump a jerk, don't be kind. He won't get it. Be clear, say "It's over" in no uncertain terms, ask him not to contact you, and then cut him off. Don't answer phone calls, e-mails, etc. If you do, you'll give him cause to think he can badger you into coming back. If he shows up, don't let him in. If you have to call the police to get rid of him, do it. He's a spoiled brat, and he needs to know you mean what you say.

Know the signs of emotional blackmail:
1. A demand. Your date won't take "no" for an answer, and requests are really demands.
2. Resistance. When every discussion turns into an argument.
3. Pressure. Your date pressures you to go along.
4. Threats. Your date uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to end the relationship,
tears, rage, badgering.
5. Compliance. If you give in, you're setting a dangerous precedent. Your date now knows you
can be pressured into giving in to him or her, and this will increase the intensity of what your
date is willing to do to pressure you.
6. Repetition. An obsessive person will go through these previous five steps over and over,
wearing you down each time. The easiest thing is to be sure when you say "no", it means no.

I hope this is helpful. You can also read: "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship", 
"Setting Boundaries and Saying No" , Romance is Not Necessarily Love,  "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk"  and "Avoiding The Drama Triangle" are all articles which will help you restructure your relationship and leave if you find you need to. 

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you a healthier model for a relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I guess we don't separate the "math" from the "emotion!"

Dear Dr. Romance:

I saw your article "How to Avoid Financial Infidelity" about couples fighting over finances:

I am totally on board as I think what you share is phenomenal. The challenge is my approach I suppose as my wife is almost NEVER on board. I guess we don't separate the "math" from the "emotion!" Trust me we're gonna to have to sit down and be more business-like and professional for sure, what a great approach. I hope it helps.

Dear Reader:

Thank you.  I hope it helps, too.  Remember, you and your wife have created a behavior habit pattern, and it takes a while to change it. Have you tried talking with her about how you two negotiate money?   "How to Avoid Financial Infidelity" contains guidelines for money talks which can help you both be more rational and less emotional about money.  "Couples Can Cooperate for Suceess" can teach you skills for working together as partners.  Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage contains all the information, exercises and examples you need to recreate a loving partnership.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: He calls me names and puts me down

Dear Dr. Romance,

I would like your advise in my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been living together for a year and a half and known each other for 3 years. He calls me names and puts me down when i try to communicate with him and every time i want to break it off he tells me we should try again but it seems to be going in a circle.

Dear Reader:

It sounds like nothing is changing in your relationship, so please understand that nothing is likely to change. You can't talk him into being a nicer guy. If he was a nice guy, he'd be treating you better. Pay attention to what your boyfriend does, not what he says. If his actions don't change, then he's not maturing, and you won't get anywhere with him.  "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" will show you how to recognize that he has problems. "Less Talk, More Action" will help you handle him better. "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship" will help you recognize  It's time to find a guy who's grown up enough to really care about you. Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship contains information, examples and exercises that will show you how to end the fighting and have a successful, loving relationship.

I wish you luck and a future with a loving relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance: Is it normal to argue with your spouse about your kids?

Dr. Romance: It is not necessary to argue about parenting your kids.  Couples usually argue about how their parents raised them, and they want to do the same (or the opposite) of what their parents did.

How Not to Pass Your Family Dysfunction on to your kids:

1. Don't do it the way your parents did: Since kids don't come with instructions, parents tend to wind up doing what they know, which could be what their dysfunctional parents did. Or, they can fight about whose family did it right: Instead, take a parenting class, read a book, find a method to follow that both you and your spouse can agree on that's neutral, and doesn't pit your parenting ideas against one another.

2. Keep your adult things private. If you go out and drink too much, the kids should not know you have a hangover, just that you don't feel well. If you're a dating single parent, your kids don't need to hear the gory details. You're 'going out with a friend' is sufficient. If you have a fight, have it away from the kids.

3. Kids need to know about real life: Teach your kids about managing money -- you can share your financial problems and solutions, as long as you don't scare the kids. Teach your grammar-school age kids to cook, get themselves awake, clean up, do their homework, and help each other as though it's a matter of routine, which it should be. Keep in mind that you're raising them to be self-sufficient adults in the real world. School is the kid equivalent of a job. Chores are the kid equivalent of making life work smoothly. Getting along with siblings and schoolmates is the kid equivalent of developing social skills. Remembering this will keep your parenting on track and reasonable.

4. Face your Demons: The best way to not pass on your demons is to face them and work through them. If you have an addiction, a bad health habit, or problems getting along, get help and work it out, so you don't pass it on to your kids. Demons can be banished with some expert guidance.

5. Don't be perfect: Don't try to be perfect parents; aim for good-enough. Don't worry about what the neighbors think, be you own best self. Your kids need something to rise above, but don't make it too easy to aspire to be better than you.

From:  Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm a single father of a 6 year old daughter

Dear Dr. Romance:

I hope you don't mind me writing you but I came across an article that you said:  "The best interest of the child also could preclude a mom from gaining custody," says Dr. Tessina. "If a judge doesn't deem that the mother meets the state's standards for being a fit parent, she won't be awarded primary custody. If both parents are fit to raise the child, they're typically granted shared custody."

I'm a single father of a 6 year old daughter and thought that what you said is absolutely true. I was wondering if it wouldn't be too much to ask if you had anything that could actually back this up? Unfortunately, I do not have 50/50 custody of my daughter because the mother is not agreeable. I won't get into the details but I would love more information on your statement to help me with my case of 50/50 is in the interests of the child. I've been making that argument ever since my daughter was born (her mother and I were never married).

At any rate regardless thanks so much for speaking out in the article. It gives hope to all us non-custodial parents that are getting screwed by unreasonable parents and system.

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry to hear that you don't have shared custody. I know how painful that is for a father. Custody laws vary from state to state, and the skill of your lawyers, and the judicial power of the judge who makes the decision are also factors. Also, in some states, whether or not you're married to her mother can be a factor. To have something to back up your case, you need to speak to a lawyer who is familiar with the laws regarding custody in the state in which the case is decided. Right or wrong, the court seems to have decided that you don't have enough status as a father to be granted 50/50 custody. If you can prove your status, through proof that you were involved in your daughter's life, you are listed as the father on the birth certificate, you paid child support, or you supported your child in some other way, then the courts will re-consider.

Custody decisions can always be challenged, unless you've relinquished your rights. If there's no legal way to change this, then keep in mind that children always search for missing parents when they become old enough to not be controlled by the custodial parent. Keep reminding your daughter that you care about her, through cards, gifts and letters, and be sure to pay any outstanding child support that may be due. Keep a journal about your thoughts about your daughter, for her to read one day.  There will be a day in the future when your daughter will want to know why you weren't there. Dr. Romance: Got a tough spouse?  will help you find a way to deal more effectively with your ex. Remember, if you're going to fight it in court, you need to be sure your record is good and support is paid up to look good in the eyes of the judge.

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship  will show you where your relationship went off the rails, and give you some ideas for getting along better.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship

Dr. Romance is pleased to announce the publication of a new edition of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 

“With a Ph.D., fifteen books, and 40 years of counseling experience, under her belt, [Redbook Love Expert] Tina [Tessina] has a lot to say about the everydays of life and love.”—Redbook.ivillage.com

Chances are your last argument with your partner was over money, sex or your kids; since couples battle over these three issues more than anything. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

The Perfect Peace Plan for Your Relationship

Relationships today are under extra pressure. Dr. Tessina offers struggling couples a much-needed fresh look at what is mean to be a couple; and what it takes to create a healthy, happy and fulfilling relationship.

In MONEY, SEX, and KIDS you'll discover new ways to think about sharing and working together to make all your decisions about money, sex, and kids mutual ones.  The point of Money, Sex and Kids is to show you how to create a partnership in which you'll feel blessed and happy. Here you'll learn to understand why you and your partner argue and the remaining skills you need to enhance your relationship and transform your struggles into working together to create a smoothly working partnership.  With this book, you'll be able to resolve your issues about money, sex, and kids, and move on to having a workable, satisfying relationship, with minimal or no arguing or fighting.

Inside you’ll find…

• Sample scripts to properly handle arguments
• Guidelines and exercises to deal with marital conflict
• Cases of other couples who have tackled the money, sex, kids conflict triangle
• Expert relationship advice from Tessina: the Internet’s “Dr. Romance”

• What readers are saying about Money, Sex and Kids
  Muffinhaven Press  •  January 2021
  ASIN: B08SVPMRRZ

Dear Dr. Romance: My girlfriend doesn't think she can handle this relationship.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am (or was, perhaps) in a fairly strong relationship for a few months now. Recently though, as the upcoming fall quarter approaches, my girlfriend doesn’t think she can handle a relationship. Between stress from school (she really wants her 4.0 this year), over-bearing parents, and the recent death of her dog, she has a lot going on. She has told me that she doesn’t think a relationship can work for her, with all the other things on her plate…

I’m wondering if there’s maybe some way to take a break, or pause things, something of that sort. I really care about her, and she seems to share the feelings. She did say that if she wanted to be dating anyone right now, it would be me.

I know that once things calm down again, we could pick up where we left off, and have a great relationship once more. What do you think about the situation? Should we try and maintain a relationship, but keep it very low-key? Take a break, with the understanding that we’ll try again in the near future? Or just go the "let’s just be friends" route.

Thanks for any input you have.

Dear Reader:

Women rarely say things straight out, as men do. Instead, they take the polite, circuitous route and hint about what's bothering them. However nice you are, your girlfriend appears to feel that you're adding to her burdens rather than helping her with them. She doesn't need a boyfriend right now, she needs your help. Stop worrying about what's in it for you, and see if you can find ways to help that make her life easier. Make it easy for her to study, run interference for her with her parents, and make absolutely no requests, suggestions or demands, especially not for sex.  "Keys to Happy Relationships"; "Kindness and Happiness" and "Attitude Adjustment" will help you know what to do, and what not to do. When she can cope again, she'll resume being your girlfriend, and you'll have learned an important skill.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free will occupy you while your girlfriend is overloaded, and teach you excellent relationship and communication skills.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: What I fear has happened the second time round

Dear Dr. Romance:

I hope you can help me. My boyfriend passed away two years back... We were pretty much engaged, living together and everything. I thought i was over the whole thing, but now I know I'm not.

A month back, or so.. i was seeing a man, and today i found out he had passed away. He reminded me so much of my late, they shared the same name, just second name being different. In the grieving process, I'm feeling the loss of both. And my late especially.

I am very afraid of commitment, and in the chance of loosing someone like this again.. and it has just happened second time round.  What do I do, how can I help myself??

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry for your losses. What you're feeling is normal; grief tends to pile up. The best thing you can do is allow yourself to grieve. Think of it as having x number of tears to cry. When you have cried them all, you'll be done grieving, and you'll be able to remember the good times you had, and be grateful that person was in your life, even briefly. You'll start to feel stronger, and ready to risk loving again. It will take some time, probably about a year.  "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again"  and "A Good Cry" will help you understand the grief process. "Grief: What it is, Why we have it, and How to get through it" Is my course on grief, available from GenerousMarriage.com

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction has information and exercises that will help you manage all your feelings and heal more quickly.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Dealing with Disappointment or failure

Dr. Romance writes:

OK, so you're disappointed. Your dream has ended in the trash. So, after you get finished with laying on the floor, kicking your heels, and screaming; or going on a drunken binge, or beating someone up, you find you're still disappointed, and all that acting out hasn't fixed anything Now what do you do? Disappointment is a dead-end in your road. Now you need to figure out a new direction.

When what you're doing in a job or relationship or to pursue a dream is not working no matter what you try, and you've gotten some expert advice (relationship counseling, therapy or coaching) that it's not going to work, it's probably time to move on.

Check to see if you are resisting doing what you know you need to do to make it work, and if you won't or can't do it, then you're wasting your time and energy, and it's time to change directions. If you gave it your best shot, and you know it's over, don't waste time in resentment and anger. It will hold you back.

If you need to get some therapy to help you through this transition, do it, so you can grieve what's lost (even if you ended it, you've lost your hopes and dreams) and move your focus on to building a good life in your new circumstance.  Make sure you take care of yourself emotionally, financially and physically. You'll feel a lot less resentment if you keep yourself together and in good health.

This is an important time to have your friends or family around you, you need support. Don't isolate, you don't have to go right out and start something new again (in fact, I suggest going slow with that) but you should have a social life with friends and family. Even if you don't think you feel ready to see people, see your closest friends and spend time with them. They'll help you heal, and remind you that you still have people who love you.

Here are some hints:

DO put it in perspective If you're disappointed, it hurts, but your life is not over. Look to your future, and see what you can do to make it better.

DO understand that you had some control, but not total control over this. Look at what happened. What caused your loss? You can improve your team effort, your skills, your spirit and look forward to the next event. On the other hand, don't blame yourself for the things you couldn't control. Take a balanced view.

DON'T give up No one is a failure until they quit. Don't quit when you're behind. Instead, get determined to do better.

DO try to learn from the experience Every disappointment is a teaching moment. You can learn from whatever went wrong. Re-play your tapes (mental or actual) of the event, and figure out how you can do better.

DON'T expect anyone to sympathize beyond the first few moments. Sympathy is OK for a short while, but it debilitates you in the long run. You'll feel better if you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the game.

Adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: It seems to be going in a circle.

Dear Dr. Romance,

I would like your advice in my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been living together for a year and a half and known each other for 3 years. He calls me names and puts me down when I try to communicate with him and every time i want to break it off he tells me we should try again but it seems to be going in a circle.

Dear Reader:

It sounds like nothing is changing in your relationship, so please understand that nothing is likely to change. You can't talk him into being a nicer guy. If he was a nice guy, he'd be treating you better. Pay attention to what your boyfriend does, not what he says. If his actions don't change, then he's not maturing, and you won't get anywhere with him. "Less Talk, More Action" will show you how to make sure he hears you.  It's time for a change.  "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" will help you find a guy who's grown up enough to really care about you.  Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences can help you learn the relationship skills you need to understand a guy and create a successful relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Am I wrong for asking for more time for us?

Dear Dr. Romance,

I've been in a relationship for 6 1/2 years with a man I can see myself marrying and growing old.  The first 4 years we were on our long distance relationship because I was in college in another state. We then lived together for a year to realize we could work out in the future and not kill each other: chores, cooking, finances worked out great. Afterwards, my boyfriend decided he wanted to move out because it wasn't appropriate living together if we weren't married and he say " he wanted to do it the right way." He said, " I know now we can live together but we should wait until we are married." He moved back to his parents. It has been 5 months since he moved out and I've been noticing a problem that my boyfriend refuses to see. My boyfriend doesn't always make the best decisions in dividing time for his family, friends, and me.. his girlfriend.

For example, most of the weeknights (Monday- Friday) he is out with his friends on movie night or beer night at a bar or running errands with them..etc. The weekend comes and he decides those are the days he should spend with his family...leaving the night of Friday or Sunday for me. I do not know if I am in any position to demand more time but I strongly feel that it isn't fair for him to spend more time with his friends on weeknights when he could be at home with his family.. I'm also not telling him to spend every day with his family but just to manage his time better. I only see him for maybe one or two hours during the week and for him to spend 3 long nights out with his friends and just 1 for me isn't' fair....Am I wrong for asking more time for us?

In addition, I also keep myself busy in the week ( doing aerobics or dance classes). I thought if I took up an activity to keep busy; he would find the time for us like move his schedule to fit me into his life (I always feel like I am looking for him). Lately, our last discussion on this issue again left at him saying  "well it's not my fault you have belly dancing classes on Wednesday, and I just don't want to go swimming tomorrow so I don't want to spend my day with you doing something I don't want to do." I feel lost and don't know what to do. Am I asking too much? Am I wrong? I don't know what the next step is for us. I don't know when we will have time for " just us two" ( that was the last thing I told him)

 

Dear Reader:

It sounds like your boyfriend is acting like a boy, not a responsible man. It's not wrong for you to ask for what you want. Relationships aren't about who's right and who's wrong, they're about finding solutions that work for both of you. Talk to your guy. Tell him you can't marry him if he doesn't value you. You've made it too easy for him. Try being unavailable when he wants to see you, not just when he's already busy. It's good that you're keeping busy, so get busy on the weekends, too, so you get to turn him down. He's taking you for granted. You have to end this pattern now, or it will just get worse as your relationship goes on. Don't be too easily available. Be unavailable until he asks you why, then tell him you don't feel that he values you, and you can't marry him until you get that worked out. Then negotiate, and take a hard stance. He doesn't need to be out with his friends that much. His statement "I don't want to spend my day with you doing something I don't want to do," is self-centered and uncaring. I think you can help him to grow up, but only by giving him the experience of not getting what he wants.  Your New Year's resolution could be learning to set limits and say no.  "Setting Boundaries and Saying No" will help you.

How is your relationship with his family? Can you join in on some of these family evenings? You should belong there, if you're going to marry him. If your relationship with his family isn't good, it's important to fix that, or he'll always choose them over you. "Gentle Persistence" will help you stand your ground and "Asking for What You Want"  will show you how to ask effectively. "Stupid Cupid" will tell you what you and your boyfriend need to talk about before you are ready to make a commitment.

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences Is full of information and exercises for you to do by yourself and with your partner that will help you create a working relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I Still Miss Him Terribly

Dear Dr. Romance:

My husband/best friend crossed-over a few years ago and I still miss him terribly. I think of him every day and his essence is is always with me. I am still in love with him and cannot imagine having a relationship with another man. At this time, however, I have two male companions with benefits. I enjoy each of them but emotionally I can only love them as good friends. I do not feel capable or even want to release my heart to any man because it is still so torn and broken. Is what I am doing with these two male friends ok? I get personal gratification spending time with each and have explained to them that I do not want a relationship just a companion. They are both fine with the situation and there is no concern about STD's. I care for them very much but I cannot get past the block I have on my emotions and the fear of being hurt again. I am just not ready for rejection or loss in a deeper love situation. I really don't know if I will ever be ready unless I can get to a point where I am able to put my husband in a smaller compartment of my heart and emotions; still loving him but allowing room for someone else. Do you think this is possible for me?

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know how long you were married, but I do hear how deep your love is. The loss of such a relationship requires a lot of grieving -- several years. It sounds like you're beginning to come out of the grief, and after more time passes you'll feel more ready for a new commitment. Yes, I think it's definitely possible, and even likely.  Because so many people are grieving these days, I've created a course: "Grief: What it is, Why we have it, and How to get through it "

I'm glad you have found some enjoyable companions. It's your own decision to have whatever relationships you want, and as long as everyone involved is OK with it, no one, including me, has a right to approve or disapprove. Take your time, enjoy what you can, and continue your healing and grieving. You'll get beyond your hurt and loss, no matter how unbelievable that sounds. "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again"  will help you understand your grief process.  No one will ever replace your late husband; any new relationship you have, however loving and long-lasting, will be entirely different from the one you lost.  The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty helps you create a journal process to reevaluate and reorganize your life and relationships.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on spreading kindness

Dr. Romance on spreading kindness

Spreading kindness is the best way I know to be happy. If you want to spread kindness around, here are some ideas:

*Kindness begins on the inside – learn to be as kind in talking to yourself as you are to others – then, keep improving. Self-talk sets the bar for the happiness in your life.

*Letters, e-mails, notes and cards expressing kind words to your friends, kids or spouse and family, even when you live together or nearby. Getting uplifting messages will inspire anyone’s day.

*When you know someone who is ill, bereaved, down or needs help; get together with other friends and work together to get them what they need: whether it’s a meal, some company, or errands run.

*So many of us are lost about how to help a friend in times of grief; but all that’s really needed is a little kindness and a listening ear. Grief needs a witness, and you can listen sympathetically.

* Don’t forget to express your gratitude, beginning with the simple "Magic Words" -- please and thank you. Manners are social lubricant -- they hold society together, and they show respect to others. There's respect for self (treating oneself as you would a good friend), respect for family and friends, respect for differences, like other cultures, races, religions. There are certainly rewards for kindness. It lubricates social connections, and lays a foundation for love, friendship, business success and social recognition in your own life.

* One of the kindest things you can do for yourself is to keep a positive outlook and see the silver lining. Often we feel unlucky because we aren't noticing the luck we have. Even if something bad has happened, such as the loss of someone dear, the fact that you had such a person in your life was lucky, or having something to lose, in the first place, is lucky. By all means, express grief for your loss, but also remember the gift that you had whatever time with that person before the loss.

* Every gift is an expression of love, and every giver should be thanked graciously, no matter what the gift is. Whether you’re giving or receiving, what counts is the thought, not the value. May you give and receive kindness as much as possible – it will make you happy.

Adapted from: The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before 40

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Why Can't I Spark the Interest of a Woman?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read your Dr. Romance Blog. I'm trying to find out why I can't find a woman, or better put: why I cant I spark the interest of a woman?  I'm 40 years old I was never married nor do I have kids. Its pretty dam aggravating.  I haven't even had date since I was 16, and she was cross eyed and chewed tobacco and was on some kind of antidepressant. What's worst I seem to attract those types of woman, or some woman that's twice my age which I had that happened to me several times. I know you said to be positive, but why am I having such terrible luck? When I read articles about why women should dump men,  it seems to me that they're telling female readers that (Mr. Perfect from God) exists and that just not true. I'm a fat guy too, but sense this problem of mine existed before I ever got fat. How I look can't be the only reason. Tell me what you think please.

Dear Reader:

I can't judge your appearance, but one of the problems of online sites is that they rely heavily on photos.  If you're putting up a photo, is it a good one? I'm sure you can figure out how to get a woman interested in you.  "The Fine Art of "Squirrel Hunting"   and "Where is Love?"  will give you some clues about what works. "10 Reasons for Not Falling in Love" will help you explore reasons you may be sabotaging yourself.  It's important to get to know some women --- they're not going to flock to you just because you're there -- you need to learn to converse with them. You're attracting some women -- so something is working,  you just don't seem to like the types you're attracting. Are there women you know that you could have a frank conversation with? If so, ask them to give you their honest feedback, and don't get mad, but think about what they're telling you. It could be a grooming issue, or lack of ability to carry on a conversation, or coming on too strong, or being too shy. It's not usually weight -- there are plenty of nice women who could deal with heaviness. From your letter, I'm guessing you might sound angry to women you meet, which is a turnoff.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will teach you how to meet women in many different situations and develop connections.  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: His Clutter Drives Me Crazy!

Dear Dr. Romance

I found you online when i googled "How to Live with a Slob". My husband and I are opposites in the area of how to keep a house -- i am very clean and he is, well, not at all. The clutter drives me crazy! It is just one more issue that impacts our relationship.  My husband has been getting better and better, slowly and in fits, since we married. He had terrible problems with drinking, drugging, and violence and has for the most part has made huge positive change in his life. However, the emotional struggles that stem from his traumatic past add another layer of conflict and because I tend toward depression and anxiety, I feel that i don't have the personal tools many times to work with him most constructively.

My husband is a veteran with PTSD and the insomnia and emotional disequilibrium that comes with it. He has a very traumatic past of childhood abuse, war, and years as a tough guy, put aside since we married. He is something of a celebrity musician and I am a garden-variety depressive who has been diagnosed with borderline. My husband is a very eccentric man and we both are musicians; I am a "retired" teacher who moved to this area when we married.

I love him tremendously and know he is a very troubled man; however, he also is very brave and loving and we both want our marriage to work. He has said he wants to continue with counseling, but he will not do "90 meetings in 90 days." I have been sober in AA for 18 years, by the way. I look forward to your reply and thank you much for reading my message.

Dear Reader:

Your love for your husband shines through your letter. I'm glad he's improving; and that fact gives me hope that he can improve further. PTSD is treatable, and he has two kinds: from his childhood, and from his military experience. If he won't go to "90 in 90" will he go to any meetings? He could probably benefit a lot from Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings, and don't insist he go to a specific number. Just ask him to go to one with you, and the meetings themselves should attract him. I'm glad you're going to couples therapy, keep going, and if he's resistant to going to therapy on his own, give him some time to feel safe with counseling before you bring it up. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction would help your husband understand and process his childhood traumas, and for you, The Real 13th Step: Achieving Autonomy, Confidence and Self-reliance Beyond the Twelve Step Program is designed to help people already established in recovery learn relationship and other skills they need, beyond what AA teaches.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Won't solving the problem for myself create resentment?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I recently read your No Cooperation? Solve it Yourself! If I am to solve the problem for myself won't that just create resentment that the other party is unwilling to help?

Dear Reader:

Well, you could choose to be resentful, or you could focus on how great it is to have the choice to do it for yourself. If you allow yourself to store up resentment, you'll ruin all the other great things in your relationship.

Resentment comes from not wanting to take responsibility for yourself: you are disappointed, but don't want to really acknowledge it, and you also don't want to do the work of choosing a new goal, so you avoid it by wallowing in self-pity. If the event you're resenting mimics a previous trauma, or your worst nightmare (you've been betrayed -- again!), you're more likely to sink into bitterness. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, and it feels like you're doomed. It's a mental mechanism keep you from having to grow up.

Here's how to get over it.
1. Swear off guilt: Guilt is like time payments buying time to avoid grieving and keep suffering forever. Instead, do the grieving you need to do, figure out how you helped create the problems (or stayed around for them) and decide to change what didn't work before. Grieve all you need, but don't blame yourself or exaggerate your feelings.
2. Don't assign blame: If you blame someone else, you'll eventually turn that blame on yourself. So, instead of blaming, find some more neutral things to say: "I’m disappointed." “It didn’t go my way, but I’ll be OK.”
3. Focus on re-building your life. Resentment is not practical; it's a negative fantasy. Focus on the practical things you need to do and think. Get your emotional, personal and financial life together as soon as you can. Think about all the things you've been freed up to do, and do some of them. Try things you would never have done before, or things you've always wanted to do. Use the energy from your anger and grief, and channel them into doing things just for you. Try out for that local theater, take dancing lessons or an art class, learn to scuba dive, get a pet, or plant a garden. All of those things will keep you focused on the present and the future, instead of the past.

Discontent and frustration are destructive, because they give rise to hopelessness and despair. If you can’t solve problems, communicate or get along with yourself or someone else, you’ll lose hope that you will ever be able to enjoy life. Resentment and frustration rob your days of the joyous and happy moments. "Apology and Forgiveness"  will help you let go of your resentment.  Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will teach you the techniques you need to know to have a successful relationship.  

If there are not enough great things in your relationship to make it worthwhile, then let it go. Then you'll be single, and doing everything for yourself. I wish you the best of luck with your relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance on Ten Things People Don't Know about Therapy

Dr. Romance writes:

I recently had a first session with a client who said, about halfway into the hour “Wow. I like you. I’m surprised.” I laughed, but I knew what the client meant. As a psychotherapist in private practice, I encounter a lot of people who waited far too long to come in for counseling because they didn’t understand what it was or how it could help them. When they do finally come in, I hear all the reasons why they haven’t come in sooner.

There’s a lot of bad information out there. These ten points will clear up confusion and help you understand when counseling would be a good idea for you, or for a friend, colleague or family member.

1. It doesn’t mean you’re crazy. Therapy is for helping you learn to handle your feelings and thoughts in a more effective way.

2. It's not about blaming your parents or other people. While understanding events in your life that may trigger feelings is helpful, a good therapist will not encourage you to blame anyone, even yourself. The point is to make changes in how you think and feel.

3. It really can vastly improve your life, and make you more successful and happier.

4. You can learn skills you didn't know you needed, that will get you what you want.

5. It's not scary, it's enlightening. You won't be harmed or belittled -- instead, you'll be delighted at what you find out.

6. It doesn't cost a lot. The earlier you go in, the quicker you can get the problem solved, and the less it will cost.

7. No topic is off limits. Whatever you haven't been able to talk about, the therapist will create a safe place for you to hear and be heard.

8. Communication is not only something you need to learn to do well with others, it is also important to see how you’re relating to yourself. Therapy will help you learn the skills you need to improve both external and internal communication.

9. Even if you are on medication, you can benefit from counseling. Research shows overwhelmingly that medication alone won’t fix anxiety or depression. Learning to express your feelings and become comfortable with yourself, as well as changing your self-talk, is what makes the difference.

10. It’s about being happy, sunshine. Therapy can help you understand your underlying motive and desires and teach you how to be your best, most fulfilled, and happiest self. If you know someone you want to recommend counseling to, the best way to do it without hurting their feelings or upsetting them is to tell about your own experience and how it helped you.

“Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely” will show you or someone you care about when and how to find a good therapist.  For more information, It Ends With You: Grow up and out of Dysfunction contains exercises and information I use in therapy sessions with my clients.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: They say I am a diamond as a man

Dear Dr. Romance:

Thanks for sharing the great article  "A Good Cry" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a question about it: 
"....If you're trying to help someone cope with a loss, don't try to make the bereaved person feel better. It just shuts down their grief, and makes them feel that their feelings are unwanted. Listen if you can. Have patience with the grieving person. Support them when they cry; it's part of the process....."

What do you meant with Support them ? or how to support them apart from listen to them.

I also wonder if in all your articles do you have something about friends can not be boyfriend-girlfriend anymore.

After a despicable divorce done by my wife (almost 4 years ago- we were married for almost 20 years) I am finally trying to go on with my life. Yes, it is still very difficult to go on again. (sorry if I disappoint you).

I have several friends (most of them women) and with some of them I tried to start a relationship but they told me that I crossed the border of only be friends. In other words they just see me as a friend and not a 'candidate'. When I asked how can that be, they told me that I am extremely sweet, courteous, funny. They say I am a diamond as a man but they can not see me more as their partner.

One day I was talking about that with a friend (a man) and he told me the same. he told me that I am too sweet with the girls and that can be the problem. I asked myself 'what's the problem with that?'

Sometimes it gives me the impression that maybe a today's girl does not matter all these characteristics I do have. Do you think that perhaps I should be try to be more bitter and unpolite?  After my divorce I lost all my confidence and now after these events my confidence (and my heart again) are starting to feel pain again and honestly I do not want this pain again. The worst thing is after that happens, I am not able to see her again as a friend and I do not want to have contact with her (because I have feelings for her) anymore which cause me a lot of pain but I think is the best for me (and my hurt heart)

Warm regards and thanks again for this article !!

Dear Reader:

To answer your question: "What do you meant with Support them ? or how to support them apart from listen to them." Listening is important, but understanding and giving feedback that shows you understand is as important. When someone is sad or grieving, they need someone else to listen to them talk about their feelings. This is not always easy.

I think these women are trying to be nice, and not hurt your feelings. Of course friends can become lovers, but both parties need to want that. I think perhaps your ongoing anger at your ex-wife is putting your lady friends off. Whether you mention it or not, they may be picking up scary, angry vibes under the politeness. You also may be not paying attention to whether your lady friends are giving you signals that they want to be closer. You may be too wrapped up in your own feelings, and not picking up the right signals.

"Do you think that perhaps I should be try to be more bitter and unpolite?"  Definitely not. Bitterness and rudeness will only push people away. I think looking inside yourself and processing the anger that is leaking through this email is the way to go. No matter how polite you are, if you're still holding so much anger toward your ex, people will sense it.

Forgiveness is not easy. When you have truly forgiven, there is no lingering resentment, because the problem is solved. You have learned how to heal the hurt and prevent its reoccurrence, so you can forgive and wipe the slate clean. Knowing how to express feelings and figuring out a way to prevent a similar hurt from happening again makes it possible to forgive each other.

The dictionary defines to forgive as "to give up resentment of" but my definition of forgiving is a bit different. Giving up resentment is nearly impossible when there are too many real injuries to forgive. It can also be unwise, because resentment is a reminder to be careful around this person or in this situation. Letting go of resentment without fixing the problem makes you vulnerable to being hurt or mistreated over and over again.

However, hanging on to resentment will not protect you or allow you to let go of the past and move on. As long as you hold onto resentment, you will feel like a helpless, hopeless, dependent victim of your past history. You do need to learn to forgive, but just "giving up resentment" is not sufficient.

Steps to Forgiving
To forgive effectively, follow these main steps.

1.Understand why you're hurt. It's common to have hurt feelings and be disappointed but not know exactly what it's all about. What are you feeling? Are you angry at someone? What did he or she do? Are you sad? Why? Taking the time to get clear about your disappointment and hurt feelings will make it easier for you to be clear with your partner, and easier for your partner to figure out what to do. If your partner did something wrong, just blaming still doesn't make it clear exactly how you were hurt, or what exactly you need to forgive your partner for.  

2. Know how to take care of yourself. It seems very logical that if someone else hurt you, then that person should fix it. But it doesn't always work that way. If someone who loves you has hurt you, he or she either doesn't understand how you feel, isn't thinking clearly, or isn't in control of his or her own actions. This can be true in minor hurts and major ones. If it's a very serious problem, get help. Forgiveness skills are so important that you really need to learn them if you don't have them already.

3. Figure out your responsibility in the problem. Were you too defensive? Did you not understand your partner? Were you so focused on your own goals, you didn't consider your partner's? Most problems are contributed to by both people involved.

4. When you really understand what happened, and have accepted your own share of the responsibility, the blame and anger should fall away. At that point, it's easy to let go, forgive, and move on.

Dr. Romance's 3 tips to getting over the drama of a breakup.

Breakups are hard enough as it is. If you indulge in drama, it gets harder to move on and rebuild
your life.

1. Swear off guilt: Guilt is like time payments you can keep suffering forever. Instead, do the grieving you need to do, figure out how you helped create the problems (or stayed around for them) and decide to change what didn't work before. Grieve all you need, but don't exaggerate your feelings.

2. Don't assign blame: If you blame your ex, you'll eventually turn that blame on yourself. So, instead of blaming, find some more neutral things to say "We saw things differently" "We had some good years, then things changed" Everyone's just trying to survive this difficult situation, including you and including her. Take responsibility for your part of the problem.

3. Focus on re-building your life. Drama is not practical it's a negative fantasy. Focus on the practical things you need to do and think. Get your emotional, personal and financial life together as soon as you can. Think about all the things you've been freed up to do, and do some of them. Try things you would never have done before, or things you've always wanted to do. Use the energy from your anger and grief, and channel them into doing things just for you. Try out for that local theater, take dancing lessons or an art class, learn to scuba dive, get a pet, plant a garden. All of those things will keep you focused on the present and the future, instead of the past.

What's important is that you communicate that the air is cleared, the hurt forgiven, and the problem is over. You won't be able to do that honestly if you haven't done the previous steps.

You don't have to condemn your partner to protect yourself from out-of-control or thoughtless behavior. Instead, you can recognize that both of you are fallible human beings, do what is necessary to fix your part of the problems, and then move on.  

Once you let go of the anger, you'll find that other people, including women, are more comfortable around you.  That's the key to making a connection.

"Better Intimacy, Better Sex" will help you understand how to create closeness.  "Getting to Yes" will show you how to get the kinds of responses you want. "Friends with Benefits" will answer your questions about the friend/lover difference.  My new course: Grief: What it is, Why we have it, and How to get through it  will show you how to process and resolve your grief and anger over the divorce.

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences  will teach you tools for discovering a potential partner's needs and wants.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I think she is really scared to go to therapy

Dear Dr. Romance:

To be honest
I think she is really scared to go to therapy
I have been many times
And I know it works
And I really want her and I to learn how to communicate

stumped

Dear Reader:

she probably thinks you want to fix her, and that hurts her feelings. Ask her to go to therapy with you, just to support you and to help you. You can have a session of your own, she can watch, and that will ease her fears.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" and  Ten Things People Don’t Know About Therapy will help both of you understand more about how therapy works.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand why she's scared.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't think I want to be in this relationship after all

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am currently reading your book, The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman can Make Before 40  and absolutely loving it. I have been married for a year and four months and we are going through a really tough time right now. I have suggested counseling and my husband accepted today. However, we keep fighting all the time and frankly speaking, I don't think I want to be in this relationship anymore. I know I don't love him and I'm not attracted to him anymore and I'm of the view that is standing in the way of me making a great effort to rectify things.  I would appreciate any words of wisdom you may have.

Dear Reader:

Thank you for writing me. I'm so glad you found the book helpful. It's good that you and your husband are going to counseling: even if it doesn't help, you'll know you gave it your best shot.  No one else can stand in your way; just do what you need to do, and don't make him the bad guy. He's just doing the best he can, and it takes two to fight. Take yourself out of the fight, and he won't be able to fight alone. You may be using him as a block because you're afraid to take the risk of changing. "Asking for What You Want" will help you learn to speak up for yourself in an effective way.
 "Getting Out of Your Own Way" will help you get moving and end your need to blame him for not making an effort.  You've already read the right book, now you need to put it into action.  It probably doesn't have to be a choice between your marriage and having the life you want. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will help you two learn to communicate better, and give you a new focus for your relationship.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Gratitude, Kindness and Happiness

Dr. Romance writes:

Happy Thanksgiving!  The founding fathers of our country saw the “pursuit of happiness” as an inalienable right – so important they embedded it in the DNA of the United States of America, by writing it into the Preamble to the Constitution. It was a profoundly new idea at the time. With it, they set wheels in motion that have been turning ever since. As a nation, we enshrined our gratitude for the blessings of our lives by creating a national day of Thanksgiving, which President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed into law on December 26, 1941.

In my private counseling practice, clients often tell me, “I want to be happy” We then pursue making it a reality. Positive, happy people do have an easier time in life, and bounce back from problems faster. Their relationships run smoother, too.

Your thoughts affect your mood, and how you relate to yourself can either lift or dampen your spirits. Neuronal activity in the brain activates hormones which are synonymous with feelings. Constant self-criticism results in a “what's the use” attitude, which leads to depression.

If you’re not nice to yourself, you eventually go on strike. Negative opinions are also roadblocks in all your relationships. There is plenty of research to demonstrate that we are hard-wired to focus on problems (as a self-preservation reflex) and focusing problems creates stress, which is physically and emotionally damaging.

Every day I see the positive effects of getting my clients to focus on gratitude. The things we feel good about are easily taken for granted, so making sure you spend some of your time noticing what you're grateful for gives you a chance to register the good things in your life, reduce your stress and anxiety, and feel better about yourself, your friends and family, and your life.  What's happening now with the pandemic makes gratitude even more powerful.  When things are tough, gratitude can give you the energy to do what you need to do.

While stress and anxiety cause the body to release adrenalin and testosterone, focusing on gratitude floods you with oxytocin, acetylcholine and other calming, relaxing agents. Hormones a emotions, emotions are hormones, so when you're flooded with happy hormones, you'll feel good.

Try laughter -- getting yourself a desk calendar with a new cartoon every day, sharing a joke you got via e-mail, telling a co-worker the cute thing your kid said (or listening to his story) or talking about the funny scene in the latest hit movie -- will lower your blood pressure, calm your pulse and generally help you release a lot of stress.

Your habits, your relationships, your environment, and especially what you think about them have a huge impact. As a psychotherapist, I know that those things determine more about how happy you are than your genes do, because I’ve watched so many people learn how happiness works. When you look at your own behavior, thoughts and feelings more objectively, you can change the things that are subtracting from your happiness.

I recommend to my clients that they focus on gratitude, and work to increase the positive factors in their lives, and decrease the negative ones. You can improve every area of your happiness: your relationship with yourself, your relationships with others, your work life, your home life, and even your health. While you’re at it, take a little time to congratulate yourself on your personal pursuit of happiness, because Celebration + Appreciation = Motivation.

The more you understand that increasing your happiness is working, the more motivated you will be to do more, and be even happier. As you discover the techniques that are most effective for you, make a little reminder note about the best ones. Keep it handy, so if your happiness level starts to slide, you can bring it back up to where you want it. And have a happy life.  

There are three things you can do to bring more happiness into your life:

1. Gratitude: Remember to notice and be thankful for whatever you have, what your friends, family and partner do for and give to you.

2. Generosity: Giving to others, especially giving thanks and kindness, will make you happy, because most others will give back.

3. Ethics: Living your life according to a set of ethics that make sense to you will make you feel good about yourself, and increase your happiness.

To create more gratitude in your life, try these guidelines:

* Take some time each day to be thankful for each and every thing that comes your way. Do this silently, for yourself, not ostentatiously, to impress others. If you say a grace before meals, say it silently, and think about how fortunate you are.

* Keep a list for one week about every good thing that comes your way—a funny e-mail, a phone call, a business success, a loving gesture. At the end of the week, you’ll be astounded at how much you receive.

* Saying “Thank You” to your partner allows both of you to feel valued. Gratitude is powerful, and, used properly, a much greater motivator than demanding, criticizing, or nagging. Creative gratitude is the most powerful kind. It’s easy to scope out what kind of thank you will be memorable for a particular person, when you’re paying attention. Recognition is a powerful motivating factor, and a little gratitude can go a long way.

* Whenever a negative thought comes to mind, counter it with a feeling of thanks for something that is good in your life. Change your focus from what’s wrong to what is right.

* Start counting what you already have that you cherish. Consider beginning a gratitude journal, and noting all the positive things, beloved possessions, and tender moments you experience. Or, start a gratitude jar, and note down on scraps of paper all the positive things, beloved friends, favorite possessions, and tender moments you experience in your own life and store them in the jar. Then whenever you feel frustrated, down or discouraged, pull out a few papers and read them. You’ll find that reminding yourself of all you have to be grateful for will cheer you up and help you remember that your life is a good one.

Looking for the blessings in every day will maximize your awareness of how lucky you are, and increase the luck that comes your way. I think of it the same way I think of receiving a gift. If I receive good things by thinking “It’s about time”, then who would want to give me more? But, if I receive gifts with gratitude and pleasure, then the giver wants to give me more. I think life works the same way.

From It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: How Do I Stop My Husband's Ex-Wife from Smothering Their Son

Dear Dr. Romance:  

My husband has a son with his ex-wife.  He is 12, but she still invites him to sleep in her bed. How old is too old to be sleeping with Mom?  I know kids from divorced parents have different issues-- one being how a child should sleep, what manners to follow, at what time to do their chores, homework, etc. I think consistency in both homes is important for the child. Our son is afraid to sleep alone, and I think his mother is encouraging that behavior.  I tell my husband that what his ex is doing is not good for their son, but he won't confront her.  We tried talking to her, but it did no good.  We consulted a child psychologist and told her what he said, but it didn't change her behavior.

Dear Reader:

Your stepson's mom is probably using him to help her own insecurity, which is not a good thing. However, it is much worse for him for you and his mom to be struggling about whether he sleeps with her. You have already proven that talking to her, even experts talking to her, will not make a difference. I suggest you take a non-adversarial approach instead.

Stop worrying about what he's doing with her, and begin teaching him gently about how to be an independent person.  Praise him highly and reward him for sleeping in his bed.  Make going to his own bed a celebratory thing. Make sure his bed is comfy, his room is to his liking, and let him have soft music if he wants it.  Bribe him to stay in his bed with an allowance or special treats when he does it. When he learns not to be afraid to sleep alone, and starts to enjoy it, he will want to separate from his mom, and if he does not see you as the enemy who makes him do things he doesn't like, he will ask for your help in separating from mom. "Avoiding the Drama Triangle" will help you understand what kinds of interactions create friction in relationships.  "Family Relationships" gives you guidelines for dealing with extended family.  "No Cooperation? Solve it for Yourself" shows you how to work around the ex-wife's obstructions.

How to Be Happy Partners: Woring it Out Together contains information and exercises which will help you and your husband work out a mutual plan for dealing with the ex.  Above all, don't let this war, with him as the prize, go on any longer.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I loved her then and I love her today

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have read several of your comments in articles on the dadsdivorce.com website concerning when to introduce a new girlfriend to your children. I have a unique situation. I have been divorced for over a year two teenage boys. A few months ago a woman I met long ago got in touch with me. At that time we lived in different states.  For more than five years we talked on the phone, wrote letters, and visited each other. Eventually we broke up and she married someone else. She has been divorced for a few years. We now talk and text multiple times a day. If feels like the old days. I loved her then and I love her today. She loves me. We live closer to her now, but we are still about ten hours apart by car. She is coming for a week-and-half visit this month.

You talk about waiting before introducing a new person to your children. My ex does not want me to introduce the boys to her during this visit, but I don't know when her next visit might be.  Her next visit may be when she moves down to live here.   It's not like she lives here and I can see her regularly or that my boys can see her casually as a friend.

We also have in our marriage documents Standard Parenting Clauses, one of which states that when children are staying with a parent no partners of that parent who are not married to that parent can stay overnight.

Any thoughts or recommendations?

 Dear Reader:

I'm happy you and your old flame found each other, but please don't let your excitement make you act in ways that will create problems for you. Also, don't forget about the dangers of the pandemic.  Getting everyone together for some video chats is a good idea, certainly before your lady comes for a visit. Build up to watching films or videos together via chat, and talk about what you're watching.  Your boys can meet this new woman as an old friend, nothing more, and your behavior and hers should be appropriate to that. It's completely normal to want your sons to meet an old friend.  Give your boys a chance to meet her without pressure, or they may hate her forever. They're not automatically going to like her because you do, and they will see her as a threat to their mother if you drop he on them like a bomb. Just do something casual, just as you would with anyone who's visiting from out of town. Act like a grownup, a parent and a rational man, not a love-sick teenager.  Focus on some things they may all have in common.

You also need to worry about your legal obligations, so do yourself and this new/former lady a favor by taking it slow and being sensible, no matter how excited you are. She can't stay overnight when the boys are there. Get her a room somewhere. Maybe she can stay with relatives?

"Dating Guidelines for Single Parents"  and "The One Who Got Away" will give you guidelines for how to be more sensible and successful, both with your children and your new relationship. You messed up once and hurt your kids by not being able to work it out with their mother. Don't do it again. If you follow my advice, you can have a happy new relationship, and your kids will be OK with it.  Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will help you communicate better with your ex wife, your children and your new love.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance: Holidays with Family and In-laws

Dr. Romance: Marriage means relating to in-laws and extended family. This is what "cleave to each other, forsaking all others" in the old marriage vows meant: Once married, you are now each other's primary relationship, and your relationship with your original family has to change (this is why parents cry at weddings.) So you and your partner may have to let both sets of parents know that things are different now, and come up with an arrangement that works for you, and still gives each family some time.  With the pandemic in full swing, that time may be via video chat, especially if some family members are especially vulnerable.

Fairness is key. If you start thinking of these people as your own extended family, your frustration level and resentment level will go down. The future of your marriage depends on getting along with your husband's family, and him getting along with yours.

Successful couples learn to accept and appreciate each other's holiday celebrations, foods, and also the more subtle emotional style of each others' family. One family may think being loving is exactly what the other family sees as terribly intrusive. One partner may value sharing and intimacy, the other may value respect and privacy. Blending these styles is not easy, but the rewards are great.

Getting close to your in-laws can feel awkward, at first, Most people want to get along and have a good time, but if both families' customs, habits and expectations are not taken into consideration, problems can arise.

This is particularly important in families that are culturally religiously or regionally mixed -- when the bride and groom come from different traditions, cultures, areas of the country or ethnic backgrounds. While the bride and groom may enjoy each others' differences, their families are often very uncomfortable with each other. Also, different regions of this country have different customs, so a southern family might feel quite foreign to a northeastern daughter-in-law.

It's very important for the partners to talk about their families: Is there an uncle who gets embarrasing when he has a few drinks? A grandmother who's getting a little spaced, and says odd things very loudly? A political difference? Some very traditional religious branch of the family who will be upset if certain customs or diets aren't followed? Clarifying what you want to do now can set patterns that serve you for the rest of your life together.

Here are some suggestions:

1) get a clear agreement with spouse about the boundaries you're going to set with his/her parents. How will you handle holidays? Does one family like to "drop in" and is that OK?  These boundaries may have changed with the pandemic, but be sure you both know each others' preferences, with and without social distancing.  There may be travel issues, and the pandemic can change what you usually do; which gives you a chance to correct habits that aren't working any more.

2) learn to give "adult time-outs" to family members who behave badly or pressure you. (that is, withdraw to extremely polite but distant relating -- no personal interchanges, but no rudeness.)

3) If certain family members are difficult, learn to treat them as members of someone else's family -- with whom you'd not react to obnoxious things, but just politely ignore what they're doing or saying, and maintain a pleasant demeanor.

4) Be a grownup, whether they are or not. If you have to treat them as misbehaving children, so be it -- just don't let them drag you into bad behavior of your own.

5) Find out what your in-laws like most, and try to do some of that. If Mother-in-law is a good cook, ask her to teach you some of your new partner's favorite recipes. (you can do this together in video chat with some planning.) Sharing informal, productive activities is very bonding, as is allowing others to mentor you.

6) If you want to be closer as a family, invite both moms to a video chat, lunch or to get a manicure with you -- another bonding experience.

During and after this pandemic, you will all still be family, and if you set reasonable boundaries and expectations, your holidays will be warm and enjoyable.

 

adapted from How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: how do I forget that she is married and I am single?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm a high school assistant and I fell in love with mother of one of my students. She doesn't know anything about and has some difficulty with her son's wife. I told her I want to help you to sort out your problem, but I have no idea how to help her and how about my love how do I forget it that she is
married and I am single.

Dear Reader:

Be very careful with a crush on a student's mom. You could jeopardize your career, if you act in an inappropriate manner. You are not in love, you are just infatuated. It's not love until it is returned. You have to give it up, because she is married and out of bounds in other ways, too.  Your crush is unhealthy, and means you risk not doing what you need to do to find a more appropriate relationship. Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting will help you let go of this inappropriate obsession, and learn how to go about meeting a more appropriate woman for a real relationship.

If you truly want to help this woman, recommend that she get counseling for herself and her daughter-in-law.  "How to Heal a Rift with an Adult Child" will help your student's mother reconcile with her daughter-in-law.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you get out and find the relationship you really need.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance: Dating after Widowhood

Dr. Romance's 3 Tips for Finding New Love

For a while after a relationship ends, you may not feel like considering a new relationship, which is probably good. Jumping right from one relationship to another usually doesn't work. A relationship that follows too quickly is called a 'rebound' relationship because it's often a bad choice. Because you haven't had enough time to process your feelings, or to learn from your mistakes, your judgment will be off. Once you have had some time to recover, however, the following tips will help you to find a successful new love.

1. Get a life: Even before you're ready to risk a new relationship, you can begin to get out and do things that interest you. Make your life as fun and social as you can without a relationship. Create a social network by joining groups who are doing things that interest you. If your life is full of activities you really enjoy, you'll be more successful at finding a successful relationship.
2. Look for friends: Looking for love is a big waste of time --single's activities, online dating sites and singles bars are all riddled with problems, and take you in the wrong direction. Now that you've developed a life full of social connections, seek to make friends. You'll get to know all kinds of people, and out of these people someone will soon stand out, and you'll have the advantage of already knowing each other before you decide you want to date.
3. Pay attention: Meeting your new love by making friends who share the same interests gives you a great opportunity to observe the character of the person before you declare your interest.

from Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I had never questioned him about other ladies

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm a couple of years into my relationship with many problems. I met my guy online and he moved the relationship along rather quickly. His eagerness even made me a bit nervous.   After a couple of months being with him, I began to fall for him and fell in love, its kinda strange, but right after I gave him my heart he began to act distant with me. 

I never had questioned about him with other ladies up until this point.  At this time, I decided to check online and see if he's had any activity, and sure enough he was live-online when I was viewing the site. I called him immediately and was very upset.  He said, "so we're over right." I couldn't just cut myself off from him at that time and told him I would need some assurance to move forward and we agreed to stay together.  

But, he continued to fish around online, and kept lying to me. I wanted to break up because I felt a lack of trust but I couldn't find the resolve.  I would get very upset and cry, I would go away; He would come back; and I would go with him again.  One night I was upset and drank some wine, then had a fight with him, he asked me to leave while intoxicated and I got a DUI I spent 45 days in jail. He dated other women while I was in jail.  I feel crazy with him, but I don't want to be alone.  I am in my fifties. I asked him to go into counseling with me but he didn't want to.

What type of advise or reading material would you recommend for healing and potentially working this out or moving on in life?

Dear Reader:

It sounds like your guy likes the chase, and isn't really into a serious relationship. You can see how harmful it is for you to keep hanging on to this relationship. He just wants fun, nothing serious: and he won't be there when you need him (for example, when you're sick or in trouble.) You can see, when you back off, he comes forward. He likes to be in pursuit, but he doesn't like the responsibility that comes with a commitment, so as soon as you become committed to him, he runs.

To have a real relationship, you need a different kind of guy. Don't look for the surface stuff.  Handsome is as handsome does. Find a guy with character, which you're more likely to find out if you are socially involved with him before you are personally involved with him. Don't be too easily available. 

This is pure Narcissism on the man's part, coupled with insecurity that he won't find his "Ms. right." (Yes, Narcissists are insecure) It's linked to a fear of commitment, but even more to a view of women as "sources of narcissistic supply" -- women as ego-gratification. That's why no one woman is enough.

These men regard women as possessions, trophies, not as people. The man is only looking from  his own point of view and has no empathy or real capacity for love or commitment. 

If you're looking for a commitment, avoid these men at all costs. It's OK to date more than one man until you find one who is as willing to commit to you as you are to him. Keep looking around until you find a "keeper." With some online dating sites, men get the impression that the supply of women is endless, and they don't have to earn a relationship. Instead, get socially active in groups and clubs, classes and sports, and meet people face to face. You're more likely to be able to tell the difference between a good guy and a good advertiser.

"Couples Can Cooperate for Success"  will show you a different kind of couple model. "Your Primary Relationship"  will help you change your attitude toward yourself, "Creating Unconditional Love"    demonstrates how healthy couples interact, and  "Less Talk, More Action" will help you see how to handle guys like yours.  Let go, move on, and you'll be a happier woman.

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will help you rethink your life and create more happiness for yourself, and Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

   

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't want to keep making the same mistakes

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a 51 year old divorced Mom who recently began seeing someone. I like him and want to pursue this relationship, but I don't want to keep making the same mistakes! Some people say "be yourself" other say "don't do too much too soon, keep him wondering"...and I am  CONFUSED!

I have tried to find your book as an ebook so I can read is on my eBook reader, but I can't locate it  anywhere. Can you tell me where I can purchase it as a digital download?

Dear Reader:

I agree with all your friends: take it slowly, but be honest about who you are.  You don't need to share everything right away, but whatever you share should be the truth.

Here is the link for  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today   digital ebook. In the meantime, there are a lot of articles on my website that can help you, like: "Guidelines for Successful Dating" "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship"  "Keys to a Happy Relationship"  "Love and Chemistry"  and  "Dating: The Fine Art of 'Squirrel Hunting'" 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I am a Native American woman who has been abused and betrayed

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a native American woman who has been abused and betrayed by my husband.  He was my coresearcher and advisor for several years.  We were married according to tribal custom, which he later denied happened and disowned me in the courts where he was believed over me.

After I told him that I realized his internet activities were illegal he became more abusive and denied that I was his wife. He put me on the street several times, but we later reconciled and he was sweet for a tine, then became abusive again.

I am now 'widowed' and am therefore now grieving on many levels and not understood.  I am stranded without a permanent home and my late husband's lies denied me the potential to work in the field I was studying.  One professor suggested writing my life experience as a dissertation in self-study and self-healing from a Native-mixed perspective. I do not feel able to do that at this time and also would not know where to begin in excising the tender and affectionate parts of the thesis.

Nonetheless, I hope - with the help of an expert such as yourself - to turn my life around and renew my standing before my people, my family and the academy. Can you advise and help me?

Dear Reader:

I tend to agree with your professor that writing your life experience would enable you to do a thesis, as well as be cathartic for you and help you heal.  Don't think about it as writing a thesis; you can edit it down later. Instead, write all your experiences and feelings. You can use "How to Write a Love Letter"
 as a primer for the writing. My clients with PTSD find it very helpful. Your husband sounds like a typical charmer/abuser: those people who tell you what they sense you want to hear, just to get you under their control, then abuse you once they have control.

It sounds like he is deceased now, so I'm glad he's no longer a threat. 

However, the aftermath of abuse still needs to be healed. You are a long way from the original home of your people, but it sounds as though you have a lot of information about the culture. If there are healing rituals that you know of, it would be very helpful to do them.  "Drama, Trauma and Time Travel" can help you through your healing process

There are quite a number of assistance programs for Native Americans. If you're looking for financial assistance, I suggest starting with your tribe, or U.S. Department of the Interior Benefits and Services. You also need help with your PTSD, and they may be able to provide it.  You can also try The Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE The hotline can refer you to programs and counselors in your area who are knowledgeable about the aftermath of abuse, and will help you find a suitable counselor for low or no cost. Please take advantage of that. I wish you the best of luck.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction has exercises, information and examples which can help you get through the healing process.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance: On Dating at Work

 Work can be the ideal environment for falling in love: you are in close proximity for a long period of time, you may have developed a good working partnership, and from there it is a short step to romance. However, workplace romance can present big problems.  Dr. Romance helps you figure out the right and wrong ways to do it.

Dr. Romance on Dating in the Workplace 

The problem of dating co-workers is what happens when the relationship doesn't work out.  Still, many people find themselves attracted to people at work -- it's actually an environment that's similar to the college environment, which is the easiest place to date. 

Research shows that the workplace is where the majority of couples meet. There's a reason for this: Unlike online dating, newspaper ads, singles events and speed dating, the office gives you a chance to actually get to know and even bond with a person before declaring your interest. 

The reason so many people date in the workplace, even though it's often disastrous, is that it's easy.

 Office Dating Do's and Don'ts

DO remember that you need your job, and act accordingly

DON'T get involved with a married co-worker, no matter how much you like each other.

DO keep your in-office behavior businesslike -- coworkers shouldn't be able to tell that you're dating.

DON'T share information with your coworkers about your dating situation. You'll become the subject of office gossip.

DO understand that, if the relationship has problems, you may wind up having to change jobs.

DON'T suddenly start dressing provocatively at work; it will alert your coworkers that something's going on.

DO remember your e-mails; phone calls, etc. are not private. If you must talk to your in-office inamorata, use your cell phone in a private space, where you can't be overheard, or talk in code.

DON'T allow yourself to be used by someone else in the office to get influence or information, and don't cuddle up to your boss in hopes of a promotion or raise.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has many more guidelines to make modern dating fun, safe and successful. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: She is verbally abusive to me

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a retired police officer who found his wife sneaking around with another man 3 years ago. We have 3 kids. I cook and clean and up all night doing laundry 3 to 4 nights a week. I work two jobs to support my kids and family. I love my wife and forgave her with what happened 3 years ago, but she never forgave me for tracking her down to that guy's house that very dark day when she was supposed to be working.

She was physically abusive to me for many years and I am wrong for letting it start and I had to put a stop to that saying that if she ever punched me in the head again, I would punch her back as I never put my hands on her and never would, I would never ever hit a women. I would do or give this women anything.

To this day, she is verbally abusive to me saying I am not a man, and that I am not going anywhere when I tell her she is pushing me. I don't want to let my 3 kids down who are under the age of 13. She takes things out on my 9 year old and when yelling at her, says you are just like your father, meaning me. She is a mean person and blames me for her actions and the way she is.

I wish I had the nerve to pick up and leave but don't want my kids to look at me later in life as a dead beat dad that walked out. I know many men going through the same thing. She was the love of my life and sometimes think she will change, but she don't. I am just so confused. My kids see the tension and think it's taking a toll on them. What do you think. I need direction or a real women to come into my life and wake me up.

Dear Reader:

You don't have to leave. You just need enough backbone to get yourself to a counselor. You need to learn to stand up to her without returning the abuse. You did a good job of limiting her behavior with the physical abuse, but you need to go the rest of the distance. She's getting her way by throwing temper tantrums, and it's not healthy for her, for you and especially not your kids.

A counselor can help you learn to be calm and stand your ground with her. Tell her you won't put up with any more tantrums or bad, abusive behavior toward yourself or your kids. Tell her she needs help with anger management, and if she doesn't get it, then you will leave and take the kids with you. You need to mean this, so she believes it. Do not ever give in to threats, complaints or criticism. Don't give her what she wants unless her behavior changes. She's not really a mean person, she's an out-of-control three year old in a grownup body, which is dangerous. "Anger: Cleansing Squall or Hurricane?"   will help you understand how to deal with your wife's behavior.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  will help your whole family learn how to be more emotionally healthy.  The following guidelines will also help:

Anger is the emotional energy within each of us that rises up when something needs to change. Anger needs to be talked about, but not acted out. Acting out your anger (tantrums, yelling, violence) unless it is done in a carefully controlled therapeutic environment, simply reinforces the idea that anger is the same as acting out. Those therapeutic sessions that urge people to express their anger with yelling are really intended for people who have trouble getting angry.  Anger management and abatement requires learning about your anger, what it means, what triggers it, and how to use it in a healthy way. "Anger Management"  has steps to help both of you to be more in control of your anger. If you can't calm down enough to do this, you may have an anger problem and need therapy or anger management classes.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I attract young boys

Dear Dr. Romance:

    I am from Iran .Right now I read "Age Differences in Dating"  your nice article about different ages in couples. I am in my 40s but nobody can guess my age, and because of my appearance I attract young boys, they think I am in my 30s.  I love an Iraqi man who is in his 20s.  We live in different country but once met each other and we were together for a week. I don't want to make you bored so I won't write more. My question is: I don't feel my age & he doesn't feel too the way of my life is so young. I don't know its normal I feel I am so young ? All my girl friends are so young and most of time they choose me as a friend. At the end if I made any mistakes please forgive me because I'm not so good in English. If you reply to me you will make me happy and I wont be upset if you don't reply because I understand you are so busy.

Dear Reader:

I don't think the age difference is as important in relationships as the problem of living in two different countries.  Being so separated makes it impossible to spend enough time together to get to know each other.

It's fine to like being with people who are younger than you are, as long as everyone is an adult. Try reading my article "Aspects of Love" at for more information.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will also help you understand what to look for in a relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com