Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dr. Romance on 10 signs a guy is cheating on you

Dr. Romance writes:

Telling a guy you won't stand for cheating is a waste of time. Instead, be open and accepting, and encourage him to talk about his sexual exploits. If he's cheated before, he probably will cheat again.  The best protection against cheating is to have open and frank sexual talks: allow him to tell you when he's attracted to someone else. Don't freak out or get upset, he'll just hide it from you. An attraction you two can laugh about together, and incorporate into your own sex fantasy life, is a lot less threatening than one that's a secret. To find out if your man will cheat, you need to take the time to get to know him and get him to open up. To find out if he's cheated in the past ask him a playful question, like: What's the sneakiest thing you've ever done? 

With illicit affairs quite easily available online or at the office, it's often easier for a spouse who is dissatisfied with the relationship to transfer affection to someone else than to take the emotional risk of talking to a partner about dissatisfaction. While most marital dissatisfaction is not that hard to fix, and cheating is usually emotionally devastating for everyone, the cheater has an "instant gratification" mentality, and is just doing what feels good, and feeling unable to control it. He is not thinking of future problems (at least, when connecting with the other person) and is just masking emotional pain. I handle many of these situations, including working with the cheating spouse when the other partner doesn't know.

It's not easy to tell the difference between sex addiction and chronic cheating. The major difference has to do with reasons why. Classic addiction is out of control, compulsive behavior, usually motivated by trying to escape internal pain and turmoil. Is a cheater doing it to self-medicate with adrenaline, or is he just immature and narcissistic? It's easier to cure addiction than narcissism, although addiction can have a component of narcissism (which is stunted emotional growth) These are complicated, circuitous questions, and not easy to parse. It comes down to whether the lack of self control is willful or compulsive.

A man with lots of charm, who says exactly what you want to hear, may be dishonest and narcissistic. His braggadocio may conceal a very wounded soul, along with an alcohol, drug or gambling problem. He lacks impulse control, and a sense of responsibility, because he's a narcissist. That means that emotionally, he's stuck at the narcissistic stage children go through about 2 years old. So, you're dealing with an emotional two year old in a grownup body.

Here's how to tell if your man is cheating:

1. His habits change:
   Your guy, who was always home on time, is suddenly (or gradually) coming home later. Or, he stops answering his phone, spends more money, or dresses better. 
2. He brings 'guilt gifts': 
   A man who never thought of flowers has suddenly started bringing them home
3. Extra bills:
   Unidentifiable charges on his credit card are often the clue that catches him.
4. He stops talking about what he's doing at work:
   This may be a sign that he's keeping a secret
5. Uninterested in sex:
   If he's not interested in sex with you, he may be getting his needs met elsewhere.
6. Secrecy:
7. He doesn't want you to see his phone or computer, so he's probably hiding something.
   He's spending a lot more time online, and there's not a work or other reason.
8. Unreliability: 
   He used to be reliable about appointments and dates, but now he breaks appointments and makes excuses.
9. History of Cheating:
   He has a history of cheating in previous relationships. (Cheaters cheat. That's why it's inadvisable to marry someone who was cheating in an affair with you; when you're the spouse, you'll get cheated on.)
10. He's very demanding about sex:
    Men who feel entitled to sex any way they can get it, have a tendency to rationalize cheating, and just keep doing it.
11. Won't work on the relationship:
    He doesn't want to solve relationship problems with you: He doesn't need to learn to keep intimacy alive with the same person. These men get their jollies from illicit sex (cheating.)

Excerpted from  The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make after Forty

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Why do I always find cowards?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I like your article "Stupid Cupid"  and find that all your down-to-earth questions should be applicable in a daily life of a relationship.  I will forward it to my friends.   I'm writing you about a guy that I met at my dance class. I found him to be very nice and smart.  My immigrant family is concerned for  me and wants to know where I am (especially late at night). He did not like that and said that I should look for a guy from my own country and that he is not even thinking about marriage. I never  mentioned a marriage or asked anything from him. For the most part we were just dancing together.  Why would anyone insist on a relationship for months and want just no-emotions short-term-only-sex relationship instead? Or it is me and my family that scare him? Or is it that I always find cowards?   
 
Dear Reader:
 
I'm glad you enjoy the article, and thanks for forwarding it.  Somehow, your dance partner got the idea that you want marriage, maybe because your family is so concerned about you.  He can see that, to continue dating you, he'd have to be serious, and he's not. If you are really just dancing with him, then tell him that, and that you're not interested in a relationship.  Lots of men want to be 'friends with benefits'  which means sex partners with no commitment.  It's not a good idea for you, so tell him you're not interested in dating or sex, you just want to dance. On the other hand maybe he met someone else, and is trying to let you down easy.  Either way, there's no way to persuade him to be with you if he doesn't want to.  Let him go, move on, and if he really cares, he'll be back.  A lot of men are cowards about commitment as long as they think they can get what they want without committing.   "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will give you some ideas on how to find a guy who really cares. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you find the kind of man that can relate to you. 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Why is my ex boyfriend still calling?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read your interesting article  "Age Differences in Dating".  I was in the same relationship until April.  I am 10 years older than my date, and we dated for a couple of years, long after his brief marriage ended.  We seemed to be very compatible; I'm a veterinarian, he trains dogs; we did great for a while.  In many ways, though, it seemed like we had already been married for 20 years.  Not much "dating, " taking each other for granted, not trying as hard, etc.  Then I moved an hour away for another job, and we lasted less than a year after that.  I just wanted him to make a little effort in the relationship and make me feel like I mattered.   I'm a girl, so naturally, I had to write a letter.  In effect, it said that I either needed him to just make the smallest effort or we needed to call it off.  Before he read it, we had the conversation, and he is the one who made it "official." He felt like we hit a dead end, and he wanted to be on his own and be a bachelor for a while.  And maybe after that, "we'd see..."   and still remain friends.  I never put faith in those statements-they always seemed like platitudes.  I had no problem with the reasons he gave, although it made me sad-I loved him, but understood him being on his own. I'm pretty independent, too, so  I get that,  and was never the type woman to keep tabs and keep a leash on him, either.  He just didn't want the responsibility of a girlfriend now.  Fine.

OK, so he had read the letter after that and called in the middle of the night to chat: about the Dog Whisperer and his midnight snack.  When we were together, he went to sleep early.  With rare exception, he has called weekly since then, usually just to chat (a couple of vet questions every once in a while).  I've only had 2 other really serious boyfriends, but when it was over, it was over.  I became friends again with one of them after about a year-he was a client.  But I've not heard of exes calling that often. I don't talk to some of my girlfriends that often.  One may say that he wants me back or wants to leave the door open.  However, he began dating a younger woman, with no education.  I know my ego shouldn't be hurt, but really? Despite that, he still calls.  He did confirm that they were dating and asked if he shouldn't call anymore.  Told him I wasn't sure...I'd like to be able to split him in 2 and keep my friend, but I know the reality.  Then, he was coming through town this past Friday, and asked what did I think of looking at these x-rays of his horse and "if nothing else meet up for lunch."  Well, both my pride and curiosity agreed to it.  We met,  I heard about the new girlfriend, who he said was jealous of me and is already worried he's meeting other women at the gym and when he goes out with his friends, etc.  I asked if she knew we were meeting for lunch-she didn't.  Then I got to hear about their dates.  Gees, why tell me that?    So, I told him about a man I had gone out with.  Then I got 20 questions about him, and felt he put me on the defensive-about the guy having been divorced when I said they were out of the question, his job, where he lived, etc.  He also wouldn't make eye contact and got a little fidgety, but said he was happy for me and hoped it worked out.  Wasn't that sweet.  I didn't ask questions about his new girlfriend.  Anyway, it was strange.  He hugged when we got there and got out of his car (we were looking at x-rays on my laptop) to hug me good bye.  I half hearted returned the hugs. 

Sorry this is so long...I can take the spleen out of a dog, but I can't figure out boys.  These are my questions:
1)  does he truly want to keep me just as a friend in his life?  He actually has lots of friends, so why does his RECENT ex need to be one more?
2)  why keep calling me when he is dating another girl, who doesn't know he is doing that & likely won't know we met for lunch? not very nice
3) why is he dating her at all when he broke up with me to be a bachelor?  One could say it's just for sex, but they actually do go out in public.  Even when our relationship was bumpy, the sex was always great. 
4) why can't I get up the guts to tell him to quit calling and just leave me alone so I can move on?

I probably wont' see my imaginary boyfriend again-he lives too far away, but I didn't want to seem pitiful or desperate for not seeing anyone and everything else I told him was true!

He is a great guy in a lot of ways, but just wasn't always a good boyfriend.  He is still pretty selfish and wasn't all that concerned with my needs or happiness after a while.  Friends say "well, he's young."  Well, lots of folks are married and have successful relationships, families at 28.  Is he sowing his last oats and wants to keep the door open because I'm the marrying type? I'm not even sure I could go back, but do still have strong feelings for him, even though he could be a jerk.  Yes, I know I need to do what 's best for me, but I just wish I understood his motivation and how he was feeling.  Even my ego would love to hear "I screwed up."  I'm not sure I'd get a straight answer even if I asked why he still calls, or what he'd think of a girlfriend meeting up with her most recent ex. 

Sorry this is so long, but there was a lot more to it than just the subject line-haha.  Hope you have a wonderful day and thanks in advance for any insight you can give. 

P.S.  I have dated a man 10 years older and 1 10 years younger and one my age... and there's really not much difference with any of them!

Dear Reader:

 It sounds like you met this man too soon after his divorce.  He probably cares for you, but isn't ready to settle down, wants to sow some oats while he's "free."  That's why he's with a woman you don't think will keep him interested. 

Yes, he wants you for a friend -- but a friend is someone you can tell your girlfriend about, and someone who can listen to you talk about your relationships.  Neither of you are ready for that.  But, you're not calling it quits any more than he is.

Why doesn't he tell his girlfriend? If you two are not having sex, that's probably within his definition of faithfulness, and what she doesn't know won't hurt him.  That is, he's avoiding conflict by not telling her. 

He's not a loner, so he's dating her so he doesn't have to be alone -- he just doesn't want a commitment, either.

"why can't I get up the guts to tell him to quit calling and just leave me alone so I can move on?"

This is the big question, and only you can answer it.  This guy is obviously not ready for a real relationship, so let him go.  Maybe he'll be back when he's ready, maybe he'll never be ready.  In the meantime, you need to move on.  Treading water here will only waste your time.   "Letting Go Takes Love"and "Where is Love?" will give you more understanding.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will show you how healthy relationships work, and give you more understanding of men. Good luck to you.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm wondering about a "blind date"

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have  been reading your article "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting". I certainly will appreciate any wisdom or guidance that you can share.  I'm a minister who ministers to congregations, and I was widowed several years ago.

1. I've pretty much stopped going to any singles group functions. I think you're right when you say that they are not too productive except if they are organized around a specific activity. I don't know of any of those focused activity singles groups going on though. I'd appreciate any further thoughts you have.

2. I'm wondering if you have any further thoughts about friends introducing me to people. I'm thinking that if I would have at least some prior contact with the person they are connecting me with, that would be good, but I'm wondering about a "blind date" without having met the person before. One thing that concerns me is if I don't really pick up on someone whom a friend has fixed me up with that that could jeopardize the friendship. I'm thinking that would be a little different from my meeting someone at a friend's party and asking the friend about that person's availability. But if a friend goes out of his or her way to arrange a date, that's a lot of investment on their part. I welcome any thoughts you have about that. 

3. I really like the idea of getting involved in certain activities that I would enjoy anyway, and then getting to know a number of people in the group. I probably know the answer to this, but these things take time. I certainly know the reality that you need to spend time at a goal you want to reach, but I'm wondering if you have any other particular thoughts about that.

4. On an ongoing basis, I receive invitations to speak to various groups of caregivers and trainers. These invitations come from both the nearby area and all over the country. I'm wondering if these would be good opportunities to meet people. Sometimes these speaking invitations also have a social time like dinner or even parties. Most of the time these are couples, but there are also times where single women are also present.

In the past when I have gotten invitations to speak in other cities, which typically are with individual congregations, I haven't accepted those because it has been much better that I use my time to speak with larger groups representing many congregations. But if my goal is to meet people and to have social connections, I'm thinking it would be good to accept these invitations. For example, several months ago I preached and a couple of days later spoke to a group of current and former ministers and leaders at a church in another city. Then last week I got a note inviting me to a potluck that they are having next month. I'll definitely go. I know you said something in your book about not missing an opportunity for a party.

5. I think my number one challenge at this time is meeting people. Part of it has to do with my schedule, part the fact that I had settled into a pretty comfortable life of work, family, and my late wife pretty much arranging social kinds of things. But this is something I do want to do something about.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry for your loss, and I think it's the right time for you to find a partner.  I think you're right, that the air of desperation in singles groups pretty much precludes meeting someone in a productive way. Because you are in the ministry, I think focusing on church-related social activities will be your source of success.

If your friends want you to meet someone, suggest they either bring her to a church activity where you'll be, or invite you over to dinner or a party. Blind dates are for teenagers, not for your age  group. You want to meet new ladies in a group setting, where you can chat, but not feel committed to anything until you are interested. You're very interested in your vocation and in church, so that could be your social group. The key is finding something that allows you to see people repeatedly, so you can get to know them before you settle on a likely lady.

Yes, this is a good opportunity, especially the ones in your area. If this potluck is a regular thing, try to go several times. If you let the churches do the arranging, by inviting you to dinners and potlucks, I'm certain you'll find someone. You've done your grief work, you know how relationships are, and your goals are realistic. It takes some time to meet enough people to find the one you're looking for, but I'm certain you'll do it.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you understand how to find someone you can really succeed with. "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will also help you with this new venture. I wish you the best of luck.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on The Right Way to Love

Dr. Romance writes:

There’s a pervasive myth in our society that there is a right and a wrong way to love. However, there’s not much clarity about what the right might be. We all have difficulty with relationships and difficulty with love. Therefore, we’re liable to draw the uncomfortable conclusion: “Everyone knows how to love correctly except me.”

This attitude leads to blaming, defensiveness, accusing and a general shutdown of any loving feelings. You may feel helpless, betrayed, incompetent, angry and lost. If you become defensive and withdraw from your beloved, things get worse.

There are actually as many ways of loving as there are people — and none of them is wrong. Some ways of loving work better than others. There are an infinite number of ways that work extremely well. This is good news, for it ends forever the fear that love can become boring, or that you can become bored with it. When looked at from this perspective, the object of relationships becomes to discover each other’s way of loving (love style), to learn the style of loving your partner uses and to teach him or her the joys of your own style. In this way, each relationship adds to your options for love. Each couple synthesizes a new love style out of the two they bring together; which is uniquely theirs and which can be restructured as their lifestyles change and grow.

Love

Each of you has your own unique experience with love, and must define it for yourself.

Each of us experiences love in many ways: romantic, practical, spiritual, familial, unconditional, passionate, selfish, and more. Here, I’m talking about love at the practical level, as in our day-to-day relationships.

As we experience it in primary relationships, love is one person's positive experience of another.

Love tends to bring separate people together.
Love is sharing and caring.
Love unites us.
Love is your willingness to share yourself.

Love is a state of being, a feeling, not an action. It is warmth, connectedness, and a desire to be closer. It’s my concern for your well-being as well as my own. Love is someone's recognition in the other of the things he or she likes most about self. Love is not critical or separating; it is accepting and supportive.

We hear much, especially in popular songs, movies, etc., about how painful love is. I disagree.

*Love doesn’t hurt; whatever hurts in a relationship is not love.

*Love isn’t limiting, it’s freeing.

*Love is how you feel; not what you do. The expression of love is one degree removed from the feeling itself. How you behave is not necessarily an accurate barometer of how you love—that depends on your understanding of love and your ability to express yourself effectively.

*Love is a feeling; the expression of love is an art. As with any art, there can be a wide gap between what is expressed and what is felt. The difference between expression and feeling has several contributing factors: self-awareness, honesty, safety, intent and fantasy. As with art, practice and knowledge of technique are helpful.

COMMUNICATION AND MISCOMMUNICATION

Whether you love or not is subject only to your own opinion, no one else’s. The proper answer to the age-old demand, “If you love me, you’ll...” is: “Wrong. I do love you, but I’m not going to do that,” or, “I’ll do that, but it’s not a test of my love.”

Frequently in counseling I’ve seen people let themselves be talked right out of loving each other, like this: When person A says, “If you loved me, you’d…” most often he or she is feeling insecure and asking for reassurance, but asking ineffectively, because it sounds like a demand.

When B is also insecure, and if he or she is unwilling to do whatever is being demanded, B then tends to doubt his or her own loving: “Gee, maybe I don’t love you enough. I’m not willing to do that.”

When A gets this doubtful response on top of his or her initially insecure feelings, A panics: “Oh no! B doesn’t really love me!”

At this point, both A and B are convinced that it’s not working, and everything can go downhill from there, because of simple misunderstanding.

While love is not a behavior but a feeling, accurate and effective communication of feelings is important. It can be very frustrating to love and be unable to communicate that love. We all know the experience of loving someone very much and having them perceive our love as something else.

Marsha: “I loved him so much; I never wanted to be away from him for a minute.”
Bill: “She smothered me! She had no regard for my feelings! I hated it!”

Behavior contributes to accurate expression and is therefore important. It does you no good to love if your behavior is consistently interpreted as unloving.

As in any art, you need to know what you want to express to communicate it effectively. Your personal way of expressing and receiving love is your love style.

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences is focused on helping you and your partner understand and communicate your personal love styles. 

I wish for you a happy relationship, and a satisfied heart.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Something has come over me and I can't let go

Dear Dr. Romance:

Me and my wife has been married for 3 months now and I'm afraid there is a major problem already.  A couple of months before we got married, my spouse had an affair, she admitted.  I thought that we could get through that alone since she deeply regretted the mistake and promised to work with me so I can get over it.  The only reason our relationship did not end there is because of our love for each other.  I never thought that I could forgive something like that, but I did.

The problem is, she lied to me about their status.  She told me that they were not interested in each other anymore and they don't call or speak to each other anymore, but they work together so I did not believe her.

Now, it's three months into the marriage and I have proof that she is still infatuated with this other guy, I found out that she is still calling him, hanging out with him, and God knows what else.  I have proof that she called him yesterday morning at 3 AM and wanted to go over, I was at work.

Now, I'm no fool, in my past I would not waste my time over someone like that, but now something has come over me and I can't let go.  If I confront her about this it will lead to a fight, then we will make up, apologize, and promise to work a little harder at this, it's happened before.

My problem is that deep down inside, I think it's over, but I can't deal with that, I really CAN'T.  I still want to try some more.  She keeps convincing me that she really loves me and she will try not to hurt me anymore.  She keeps doing things that makes me believe that she really is trying, we go out, have fun, visit our family (who are so proud of us and think that we are so meant for each other), every now and then we reflect on our wedding reception, watch the video, pictures, it was such a blast, everyone is calling it the wedding of the year.  I know for a fact that she really loves me and we really do have more than love.

I am reaching out to someone before something really drastic happens, I know it's possible, so I really need the help.  I'm an emotional wreck. I don't know what else to do so I plan to confront the guy soon.  I will do anything to save this marriage, I can't give up, I can't live without her, I really think we still have a chance.  PLEASE, I need someone to talk to, I don't know what to do...

Dear Reader:

I suggest you not confront her, but negotiate with her.  Here's what you need to know.

1. Why did she marry you, if she's so enamored of him?  
2.  Does she know what she wants, or is she too confused about her feelings to know?
3.  Can the two of you work together to reach a real agreement, one that you can actually keep?
4.  I strongly suggest you find a counselor (see my  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely") This situation is pretty volatile, and I'm worried about the well-being of both of you.

If you mean it about doing "anything" to save the marriage,  then the most important thing to do is CALM DOWN.  The worst thing that will happen is the marriage will be over; and you think that's the situation already, so there's nothing more to worry about.

If you get emotional, confront the guy, or make a scene, you could wind up in jail; which wouldn't do a thing for you OR for your marriage.   The only thing you two can do that will work is talk calmly.  Unless you've got a fortune she's after, she probably married you because she loves you, as you say.  So, that's not too bad a reason.  It sounds as if she somewhat emotionally immature, and neither of you really thought about this enough before you got into it.  So, you have to back up and think about it now.

Should you two really be married to each other?  What is your marriage about?   If you can calm down and talk rationally about all the above questions, you'll eventually find out what you want to know, which is:  Does your wife really love you, and is she capable of forming a monogamous commitment?

"Stupid Cupid"  and "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will give you  a clearer idea of what relationships are about.
How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will show you how to have a real conversation and talk about the truth.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I lost everything

Dear Dr. Romance:
I read your article about "Age Differences in Dating" and thought you might be interested in a case history. I was married to a younger man for twenty years. He was 21 and I was 40 when we met.

I had been in a very unhappy marriage for twenty years and had three sons. I had no intention of marrying again. When I met this handsome younger man who openly pursued me I was flattered. Dating developed into a physical relationship. He was the exact opposite of my former husband and I was amazed that we could talk for hours without boring each other, were interested in the same things, liked the same music, books, etc. There was not even a glaring difference in our physical appearances as I looked ten years younger and he looked that much older, with premature gray hair. 

However, when he asked me to marry him I insisted that we should live together because I could not envision this lasting forever. He was relentless, and enlisted the help of my teenage boys to talk me into marriage. I have to admit that the first few years I secretly kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. He was serious and conservative, I was funny and free spirited. He once told a friend of ours that I was the funniest and most exciting woman he had ever met and he never knew what to expect from me next. To me he was a rock of dependability and security and the most caring, gentle, loving man I had ever met.I guess we complimented each other and each fulfilled the needs of the other.
 
We worked together to build a life and I helped him climb the corporate ladder to become a Vice President. As he became more successful he insisted that I quit my job so I could travel with him on business trips.  It was the first time in my life I did not have to work. I was delighted to finally be just a housewife. We traveled everywhere. Australia, Hong Kong, London, Paris...places I never dreamed I would see. On our thirteenth wedding anniversary we vacationed in Hawaii and everyone thought we were newly weds. We never had a serious disagreement, we did everything together and I felt safe and secure because he took such good care of me. It was the happiest twenty years of my life. I finally felt confident that the other shoe would never drop. I trusted and believed in him...in us.

Then one day, shortly before our twentieth anniversary, he walked into the house and said he was in love with someone else and wanted a divorce. He moved in with her that night. He had been having an affair with her for two months. I later found out that she worked for him. I was devastated, of course. I had no idea he was unhappy in our marriage. I lived with him for 20 years and was suddenly confronted with a total stranger who told me our age difference was more than he could handle. His friends and co-workers did not approve. After all, my oldest son was only three years younger than him. A fact that had not changed over 20 years.

I was 62 years old, had not worked for twelve years and had no means of support. I lost everything because Texas had no alimony at that time. It took years of counseling to get my self respect and self image restored. I am 75 now and have rebuilt my life with new surroundings and new friends. I am still blessed with excellent health and lead a very active life. But there is rarely a day that I do not think about him. I was naïve to believe age doesn't matter. There is a double standard on age, and I don't think that will ever change. However, I would not change that 20 years and will continue to hold those wonderful memories of our time together for the rest of my life.

Dear Reader:
I'm sorry you were so disappointed. The same thing might have happened had you married a man of your own age. I'm proud of you for re-building your life, and for not being bitter, but enjoying your memories. None of us can predict what the future will hold. You might enjoy  "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" and The Ten Smartest Decisions A Woman Can Make After Forty will help you evaluate how far you've come in life.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I wish and expect my wife of 10 years to be more affectionate

Dear Dr. Romance

Here goes, I wish and expect my wife of 10 years to be more affectionate, simple enough? Yet we have talked and have had fights over this many times, we are soul mates so I don't want to go through life thinking "this is as good as it gets and accept it". We love each other but I want more, it seems we both deserve better. There is a ferocious circle that includes job, health, my home town, kids, my anger, her indifference, all sorts of things. We know the root of our problem but it repeats its self over and over.   

 We are moving from my home town to her home state. Banking on this we hope to solve our problems but I think our troubles are so engraved it might follow us. This is not about sex although I would like to share it more often. All I want is more hugs and kisses and not to be taken for granted. 
    
Dear Reader:

This isn't much information, but how do you expect to get more affection by fighting?  Perhaps the two of you need to learn to talk more constructively.  Most couples' problems do repeat, because they can't get far enough away from blaming to solve the problem. Moving will not solve anything; changing what you're doing will solve everything.  If you can use this move as an opportunity to change your interaction with each other, you'll be successful, no matter where you live.  You need to understand what the incentive is for her to be affectionate.  What does she want? Can you make an agreement?

Try listening to your wife, and what she wants, and try to work with her to make that happen, instead of competing with her about whose wants are more important.   "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" , "Better Intimacy, Better Sex"  and "How to be Irresistible to Your Mate" will help you understand what's not working, and show you how to fix it.  

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed  contains exercises and examples that can help you and your wife learn to solve problems, including intimacy and affection problems, together as a team.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on The Keys to a Happy Relationship

Everyone wants the best relationship they can have.

Dr. Romance  explains what makes a relationship work.

The markers of a happy relationship are: Cooperation/partnership, mutuality, laughter and affection. Whether you’re in a relationship now or hoping to be, these keys will help you create a more loving and happier partnership.

The Key to Handling Problems Before They Start:

Be on the lookout for early warning signs that things are getting a little off track between you two:

*If you're feeling resentful of anything; that's a definite warning. Resentment is like rust that can eat away at the foundations of the relationship. You need to talk about it, get it resolved.

*Arguments that won't go away and keep repeating are also signs of trouble.

*Companionable silence is good, resentful silence or hopeless silence (It's no use: he/she won't listen anyway) are problems.

*Problems with sex often indicate problems with other kinds of communication.

The Keys to Caring for Yourself Emotionally, Mentally, and Spiritually Are:

*Understand what you need to be happy.

*Don't dwell on the negative: if something's wrong, just focus on it long enough to understand it, then change focus to finding a solution.

*Don't expect your partner to make you happy: that's your job. You can help each other, but you can't do it for each other; so figure out what you need, then talk to your partner about how to get it.

*Count your blessings: no matter how annoying your partner may be at this moment, there are many good things happening, also. Don't let the negative soak up all your attention.

The Keys to Caring about Your Partner:

*Listen, listen, listen: The three most important words in a relationship are 'tell me more.' To consider your partner's needs, you need to understand them first. Listening does that. If you both know your partner will always be available to hear what you want to say, you'll be much happier. Knowing what your partner wants doesn't mean you have to give in; instead, work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

*Resentment is dangerous to you and your relationship: If you find yourself starting to harbor little resentments, take care of it as a favor to both yourself and your partner. Notice hurt feelings and upsets: don't let them pile up. Talk about it with your partner without being accusing. You can own that something hurt your feelings or upset you without blaming; and your partner is much more likely to own up if he or she does not feel accused.

*Most of the time your partner doesn't realize how you feel until you say it out loud: Take the time to know what you want to fix the problem before you bring it up. Understand why you're hurt, and whether it's something that actually comes from somewhere else: like a previous relationship or your childhood; or it's something particular to your partner. Then, figure out what you'll need to fix it.

The Keys to Common Mistakes that Can Alienate Both of You:

*Not taking responsibility for your bad moods, fears, and other feelings; and letting your partner feel responsible. That separates you.

*Not making sure you have time for your partner also separates you. Don't let TV, Internet, work, kids or other people soak up all the time so you don't have any left for each other. Seek a balance.

*Relaxing too much and becoming complacent. Keep your courting behavior alive, and bring it out regularly. Don’t ever forget that you fell in love with each other. Guard against taking your partner and your relationship for granted.

The Keys to Getting or Staying Out of a Rut:

When you feel like you and your partner are in a rut; you know you love each other, but you've just lost some of that zing when you're together, there are a few fun things you can do to freshen things up.

*Count your blessings, and share what you're grateful for. It will enhance the joy in your relationship.

*If you're bored, you've been lazy: get out there and do something together. A walk, a special meal (at home or out, depending on budget) perusing the photo album, a flower, a note; can all create pleasure and joy. Clear the calendar and spend a day just enjoying each other; including great sex. Have a date, like you used to. The zing will come right back.

*Dress for date night. Women often don't understand how much guys like it when they have pretty underwear or are dressed up. He won't see your extra weight or your little wrinkles: he'll just see that you dressed up for him. He'll like it. And guys, she likes it when you clean up, too. For that date night, dress as carefully as you did when you were really dating.

The Keys to Sharing a Household:

*Learn how to talk over difficult subjects: money, space and style differences; so that they don't escalate into fights.

*Avoid being territorial. You can share space, and blend your styles. Hopefully, there will be enough space that each of you can have a bit of turf that is yours. You need a corner to retreat to when you get on edge with each other or the world.

*To talk about money, use your business skills. It's just math; take the emotion out of it, and talk as you would in a business meeting.

*Share your space and your resources, and also allow each other some privacy and independence. Intimacy thrives when each of you has a sense of separate self.

The Keys to Sharing Parenting:

*To create cooperative parenting, understand that there are a lot more ways to do it successfully than you think. Maybe you liked what your own parents did, and your spouse liked what his or her parents did: but you are two entirely different people, and so are your kids. It's great to find a book or parenting class to give you both neutral ground to talk about it. And you do need to talk about it.

*Each time there's a problem, solve it on the spot, but then talk about it afterward (without the kids around) to work out how to avoid that problem in the future. Update your skills as your kids reach different phases (toddler, preschooler, grammar school, pre-teen, teenager, young adult) so you won't be always scrambling after the fact. Plan ahead together for the next phase. Take the time to enjoy your kids. Make sure they feel like part of the family by doing chores and helping out. Don't give them a free ride; it's not good for their character.

© 2022 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am not sure if I am considered his "girlfriend."

Dear Dr. Romance:

Status confused  I met a really great guy online a few months ago. We see each other about once a week, or once every two weeks. He is always doing things for me like working on my car and helping me out in any way he can. However, I am not sure if I am considered his "girlfriend." I also feel like I cannot bring this topic up with him without scaring him off. How can I be sure of my relationship status with this man? Do actions really speak louder than words? And how do I broach the subject to find out if he thinks of me as his girlfriend?   

  
Dear Reader:

If he's working on your car, it's a good sign. Some men show their affection by doing things for you more easily than they can find words. Also, this man may be slow to make up his mind about his feelings. It's important to appreciate what he's doing for you, and let him know that you are grateful.  If things are going well, count your blessings, and don't push for change too quickly.  I could understand this anxiety if you had been together a year or more, but not in just a few months. 

I understand that you'd like to know the status of your relationship, but it's important not to push too hard. Being in a rush to clarify things can work against you.  You may need to help him understand and express his feelings. Choose a relaxed time, tell him you are really enjoying your time together, and ask him how he feels about it.  Use my "Guidelines for being better understood" as a guide for keeping the conversation going well.

Ask him if your friendship is going as well as he would like, or if there's anything you can do for him. Then, whatever he answers (which may not be much, if he has trouble putting his feeling into words), just let the conversation go to other topics. This will give him a chance to think about how he feels about your relationship. Wait a week or two, and try again. It is still early in your dating situation, so take your time and let the discussion grow. If the situation continues  until you're dating for a year or more, it may then be time to ask directly. However, I think if you follow the gradual, low-key method, you'll find out how he feels and what his intent is long before a year has passed. Try to avoid the dreaded "We have to talk about our relationship." It's less intimidating if you ease into it as part of a normal conversation.   Following the "Guidelines for Being Irresistible to your Mate" will help you create a relationship that both of you will cherish. 

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you understand the process of developing a brand-new relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I've always been asked out

Dear  Dr Romance :
 
 I just read about you and some articles you wrote about Age Differences in Relationships and really enjoyed what you had to say and how you said it.
 
 I now have a question: I am 49 years old and very attractive.  I look like I'm in my thirties.  There is this younger man, early thirties that I am very interested in.  I've always been asked out and never had to ask a man out.  But I don't want to miss this opportunity and would like to ask him out but I don't know how to do it.
 
 Can you please give me advice as to how I should go about it?
 
Dear Reader:

Don't worry so much about asking a man on a date.  I'd suggest that you ask this man for something smaller, like coffee, help with your computer, or a walk, or casual lunch with friends; it's not so devastating if it doesn't work out. Better yet, you need to get into a social circle where you can meet men you'll have a chance to know before you ask them out. 

If you see a man in action within a group, and interact with him without the pressure of dating, you'll be
more able to use the skills you've developed to assess the men and choose a good one.   

"Where Is Love"  and The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting will give you more information about where and how to look. "10 Reasons for Not Falling in Love" helps you look at your fears about dating and relationships and shows you how to overcome them.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will teach you all the skills you need to find and create a successful, loving and satisfying relationship. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My 5 yr old step daughter literally tells me what to do

Dear Dr. Romance:

My wife and I were married about 9 months ago, both of us had been married once before, and my wife had a daughter by her last marriage, age 5.  Now I find myself in a situation, where my wife lets her by with murder, and when I punish her, my wife turns on me, and always over-rules me in front of my stepdaughter, my wife says that all I ever do is punish her, and that if I loved her I wouldn't do that, but I only punish her when she's actually mean, or dis-respectful.  Now, its got to the point where my 5 yr old step daughter literally tells me what to do, and my wife expects me to do it. She will  disrespect me, and laugh right in my face, this of course makes me terribly angry, and when I go to punish her, me and my wife end up in an argument.

Also, if she sees that my wife and I are talking, or just spending quality time together, she will interrupt, or jump right into the middle of it, its got to the point that I cannot say 3 words to my wife, or kiss her without, My little girl jumping into the middle of it, I feel that my wife's mouth is firmly planted on her daughters butt. and I resent my stepdaughter for that, because of her my wife and I get no time together. I guess I'm just as jealous as she is, and maybe this is childish, but its got to the point that I feel, and have observed my stepdaughter pitting me and my wife against each other.

Because of this, my marriage is crumbling, my wife is unwilling to make time for me, and by the looks of this, its dragging us all  apart, and I love them more than anything, its just I've tried everything, and I'm so frustrated. well that about sums it up, maybe I am childish, but I don't think wanting some quality time with my wife is wrong, or is wanting  to be looked at as an equal to my stepdaughter in my wife's eyes. 

Dear Reader:

Step parenting is a very difficult thing to do, and you and your wife made a big mistake by not working this out before you married. "The Challenges of Blended Families" will help you understand what is going wrong, and what to do about it.

It's normal for all three of you to be anxious, but taking such a negative view is not helping the situation. You seem to have an antiquated idea of how to parent. You'll do better if you see this as a test of whether you and your wife can become partners, a team, and work together in your marriage.  If you can't figure out  how to parent your step-daughter together, then the marriage probably won't work.  Fighting over it is the worst possible thing you can do.

I know you think you've tried everything, but it sounds as if you haven't sat down with your wife and discussed how the two of you can work together.  That's why I'm suggesting a marriage counselor: someone who can help you have a productive discussion of the issues and the solutions.

The real issue is not competition between you and a small child, the real issue is: how well can you and your wife work together?  Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting over the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship will show you how to negotiate issues like this.  The most important thing you can do is drop the struggle over who's right or wrong (that will lead nowhere) and begin a discussion about what you can do that will work for BOTH of you.

 I strongly suggest you and your wife go to counseling, to help you work out an agreement about who has the right to discipline the daughter, and  how and when it is to take place.   "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  will help you find an appropriate, affordable counselor.  I also think you should  take some parenting classes together so that you'll have a similar understanding of what good, effective parenting is.  Your marriage counselor can recommend local classes.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Attitude Adjustment

Dr. Romance writes:

I have blogged before about emotional hygiene, and doing the necessary maintenance on feelings as well as your physical body and household. Health reminders tell us to wash our hands frequently to prevent transmittal of diseases. Did you know you can “wash” your mood, too, and give yourself an attitude adjustment whenever you want to?

When I want to have a pleasant time with Richard, I know it’s important to manage my mood and keep myself on an even keel – if anything happens that’s disappointing, annoying, upsetting or stressful, I need to re-balance myself and not let it get to me or spoil the day.

Here are some ideas for how to turn your attitude around in the most common mood - disrupting situations:

Disappointment and Expectations

We all have high hopes and rosy pictures of the future when we enter a new situation or relationship. so when life turns out not to be perfect, things don’t go the way you hoped, or you find out your partner actually is an imperfect human, just like you, it’s disappointing. You may begin by expecting that your partner will always see your point of view, or that as long as you love each other, everything will be OK, but after a while, reality breaks through and you realize your expectations were unrealistic. If you feel you’re constantly disappointed and frequently angry, consider that it may be because your expectations don’t line up with reality.

No matter how little reality resembles your dreams, there’s no need to squabble about it. We all deal with many disappointments in daily life, at home and at work. In most cases, neither you nor your partner would argue with the boss, colleagues at work, or your child's teacher the way you argue with each other. In domestic situations, you can choose your behavior in the same way -- you don't have to argue with each other. Instead of bickering like children, use your grownup self-control to pull yourself out of the argument. If you're fighting over silly little things, remember you're having symbolic fights--it's not really about who didn't put the cap on the toothpaste, it's about disappointment, who is right, who has the most power, or who deserves to be loved.

Do’s and Don’ts for Handling Disappointment
OK, so you're disappointed. Your dream has ended in the trashbin. You may want to lay on the floor, kicking your heels and screaming; or go on a drunken binge, or beat someone up, but if you try it, you’ll find you're still disappointed, and all that acting out hasn't fixed anything. Disappointment is a dead-end in your road; so you need to figure out a new direction.

Here are some Do's and Don'ts to help you:

DO put it in perspective: If you're disappointed, it hurts, but your life is not over. Look to your future, and see what you can do to make it better.
DO understand that you had some control, but not total control over this: With an objective look at what went wrong, you can make plans to improve your team effort, your skills, your spirit and then look forward to the next event. Don't blame yourself for the things you couldn't control, but change the things you can.
DON'T give up: You’re not a failure unless you quit; so don't quit when you're behind. Instead, get determined to do better.
DO try to learn from the experience: Every disappointment is an opportunity to learn from whatever went wrong. Re-play your mental tapes of the event, and figure out how you can do better.
DON'T expect anyone to sympathize beyond the first few moments: Sympathy feels good for a short while, but it debilitates you in the long run. You'll feel better if you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the game.

Letting go of Resentment, Discontent and Frustration

Discontent and frustration are destructive, because they give rise to hopelessness and despair. If you can’t solve problems, communicate or get along with yourself or someone else, you’ll lose hope that you will ever be able to enjoy life. Resentment and frustration rob your days of the joyous and happy moments. When you’re frustrated and hopeless, you lack patience and the ability to think clearly and creatively. The good news is, you can learn patience and clear thinking.

Acquiring Patience

Learning to be patient and remain calm reduces and relieves stress and worry. Cultivating patience is really learning impulse control -- it's an issue in self-management. You can learn how to do "emotional maintenance" and shake off stress, keep on track of what you want to do, and let go of frustration when something is getting to you. Patience is learning how to wait and think before acting and made sure you understand the options and take control of your own ideas and decisions. It's a growth process, a transformation of self through awareness and learning.

To acquire patience, learn not to act on impulse, but change your thinking and attitude, and reach out for support and encouragement. To learn the necessary patience and determination that enhances your communication, these seven steps will help.

Seven Steps to Help You Learn Patience:

1: Wait: The old advice to “count to 10 before you respond” is a great way to learn patience. Give yourself a chance to give your best response.

2: Use Perspective--put your impulses or desires in perspective-- will it be important an hour from now--fifteen minutes from now? Most of them won't be.

3. Self-understanding: If you are tempted to act or speak on impulse, understand that the impulse is normal, but you don’t have to be run by it. Reactions and impulses are suspect--it's how thoughtfully we act on them that counts. If your impulsive thoughts or actions ruin moments, they’re not worth it.

4: Take a longer view: If you’re reacting because someone upset you (e.g.: your partner hurt your feelings) give a little prayer of thanks that it wasn't worse, say a blessing for your partner, friend or co-worker (who probably needs it) and you'll feel better. If you are tempted to act impulsively, pause a minute and consider your bigger goal--then decide if the momentary impulse is worth setting back your goal.

5. Give yourself a break: If you act on an impulse before thinking about it, acknowledge what you did, then forgive yourself and get back on track. If you find yourself acting impulsively a lot, then maybe your goal is too rigid, and you need to allow a little more room for yourself, or to renegotiate the contract with your spouse. Find an outlet for your impulses where they won’t do harm.

6. Refocus: Impulses are often a reaction to outside circumstances--for example, being annoyed because your partner isn’t available, when you could enjoy using the time you have to yourself. Make sure what you’re doing is what you really want to do.

7: Celebrate: Remember to celebrate your accomplishments and all the times you do what you intend to, keep your promises, and work things out. Frequent small celebrations are a way to reward yourself for patience, and to increase your motivation to be even more patient. Complement and encourgage yourself and others.

adapted from: It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: His priorities are with his family (brothers and sisters)

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been in a relationship for 4 1/2 years now. First 3 years  were great were got along very good and had no big issues. But as of  approximately  1 1/2 years ago to this day we have discussions at  least once a  week.

The Problem: Him not spending time with me we maybe spend 3 to 4 hours a  week together.

His priorities are with his family (brothers and sisters)  Particularly 1 his only sister she is very dependent on him to do  everything for her. She is married and spends more time with her brother  than with her husband. I feel jealous about this since I think that he  should be spending more time with me since supposedly he is in love with me and were are planning someday to get married and have a child. I feel that  she manipulates him we have discussed this and he got pretty upset about my  comment.  What do you think I should do about this problem. Is it my fault  or is it time to move on. Since this has been an ongoing problem and we  cannot resolve.

Dear Reader:

Your story makes me want to ask "What happened at 3 years?  Did you begin to ask for more at that time?"  If so, then your partner only wants as much relationship as you had then, and no more.  He probably feels that you are asking for more than he wants to give.  "Should" is not going to get you anywhere. You hit it on the head with "His priorities are with his family (brothers and sisters)."

You are probably right about his priorities, and it doesn't sound like he's open to change.  So, right or wrong, the one who has to change (if you want this relationship) is you. Is there a way you can share this time with him and his family, so you are not shut out?  After all, if you begin relating to him like his sisters, he will begin treating you like them.

Planning someday to get married and have a child is a trap.  There's no way to tell if "someday" will ever come, and a fantasy is only a fantasy, unless *both* of you want to make it real.  If he can be manipulated by his sister, he can also be manipulated by you.  Be smarter.  Think about what will work with him; not what he "should" do.  If you back off and see less of him, he will probably want you more: it usually works that way. "Getting to Yes"; "Asking for What you Want" and "Stop Reacting and Start Responding" will help you understand how to get a conversation started. How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will teach you both the skills you need to balance your relationship, and keep each other interested.  It sounds like you're going backwards right now.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Why Did you recommend not asking?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read Age Differences in Dating I did date for about 3 years a woman about 4 years older than me. I love her still and we separated because one thing I felt was that she never wanted to open up about herself. The following comment caught my attention: ( I underlined and bolded the parts I would like some more explanation from you about this recommendation, since I did talk about and asked about her life, as a way to develop a stronger bond and intimacy with her.)  "Make Conversation Interesting and Easy, With No Deep Secrets: You can talk about anything, including your personal lives, past relationships and love in general, but don’t be the one who brings up the intimate topics first. Be careful not to pry too deeply into your date’s private life and secrets, unless the information is voluntarily offered. You’ll learn a lot more about your date if you are genuinely interested in hearing what he or she has to say; than if you conduct an interrogation."

Any response would be greatly appreciated, since I do want to understand what I might have done wrong.

Dr. Romance responds:

After dating three years, it's not unreasonable for you to want a woman to open up to you.  I can't know for sure what was wrong, but perhaps she felt you would judge her, be too jealous, or not understand something in her past.   My recommendations were for people in new relationships. "Is Dating Scary? Here's What to Do" will help you understand what works in dating. "Getting to Yes" will help you get a good response without being intimidating.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together has guidelines which will help you talk about intimate topics successfully. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I need a man to stand behind me

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm an Iraqi woman in my forties.  I am divorced & I have a daughter in her twenties. I read your article "Age Differences in Dating". 3 months ago I fell in love with a man a few years older than my daughter. At first I didn’t know his age.  He insists he wants to marry me but I hesitate for 2 reasons: first his age & secondly he has a family. He is very insistent.  I want your advice about what to do. You may not know about how Iraqis think about that and think I should refuse him, but I need a man to stand behind me to help me feel that I’m a woman.  Please help me

Dear Reader:

I do understand some of what it must mean to be an Iraqi woman, and I know what you mean by needing a man to stand behind you.

If this man wants to marry you, and you have reason to believe he will be good to you (which is very important) there is no reason why you should not marry him.  It sounds to me as if you need each other.  He needs help with his family, and you need help with yours. 

Please do everything you can to make sure you'll be treated well.   "Aspects of Love"  and "Asking for What You Want" will help you understand how to create a good partnership, and "The Challenges of Blended Families" will help both of you learn how to create a healthy blended family.

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty is exactly what you need to help you think more clearly about the changes you want to make.  The exercises and information in it will help you make the right decisions.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on The Worrier’s Guidelines: simple steps to combat worry

Dr. Romance writes: Often, it seems that there are not enough hours in the day to do everything that must be done, and like the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland we have to run as fast as we can just to stay in place.  And she was created before computers, cell phones and e-mail!   I often find myself worrying about a future I can’t predict, or things I haven’t done.  Worry saps energy, and accomplishes nothing, so I’ve developed a method of dealing with worry that you might find helpful, especially when you can’t sleep or if you’re anxious.  Whenever you’re  worried,  follow these simple steps:

1. Write it down.   If you’re feeling anxious or worried, or you can’t stop thinking about some event that hasn’t happened yet, take a few moments to write down whatever is worrying you.  If you can’t  write it down, think it through carefully until you can clearly say what you’re worrying about.  Clarifying your worries will stop the free-floating sensation of anxiety with no basis.

2. Evaluate.  Think about the first item on your list.  Ask yourself “Is there anything I can do about it now?” If you’re at home and worrying about the office, or if the problem won’t occur until next week or next year, you may not be able to do anything about it right now.  Or, perhaps you can make yourself a note, make a  call, devise a plan,  or ask for help. 

3. Do Something. If there is something you can do, do it.  Rather than waste time worrying,  decide to get something done.  For example,
∙ If you’re worrying about how your presentation will go at work tomorrow, go over your notes and lay out your clothes for the morning.
∙  If you’re worried about a health problem,  look up the illness or injury on the Internet, or call your doctor and ask some questions. 
∙ If you’re at work worrying and about cooking dinner when you get home, write down a menu or a list of ingredients.
∙  If you’re worried that you may be fired, update your resume and call some agencies.  You don’t have to take another job right away, but if there’s a real problem you’ll be prepared.

Here’s how it looks in action: If you’re worried that the roof may leak the next time it rains, start making a list about what you can do about it. Your inner dialog may sound like this:

“The news said it was going to rain next week.  I’m worried that the roof might leak.”:
“Call a roofing company and have them look at it.”
“I’m worried that a roofing company will charge me more than they should because I don’t  know how much it should cost.”
“Call my brother, (or my neighbor, or my friend) who had his roof done, and ask him what  it costs, and also if he liked the contractor he used.”
“Okay.” 
When you reach this “okay”, it’s time to make the call, or, if it’s too late at night,  make a note to  call the next day.

4. Distract Yourself. When you’ve done what you can, or made your lists or notes, then distract yourself: Count your blessings, get involved in something else,  read,  or take a walk or a bath. 

Repeat the above steps whenever you’re worried, and you’ll find that your worries decrease.  I wish you days full of blessings.

Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: His moods are getting more and more unbearable to live with

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been married for almost four years to a man twelve years younger. We have a four-year-old son. My problem is I need to find a better way of dealing with my husband's bad moods, which are getting more and more unbearable to live with.  Occasionally I give in to that highly destructive self-indulgent urge to criticize my husband for it in the presence of our child, although when that happens I find a way for us to make up, apologize and/or show our enduring love (also in his presence) shortly thereafter. 

These days he is frequently in a very bad mood by the time he gets home. It is usually late as he works a day job and goes straight from there to working at getting his own business afloat.  I probably should ignore his moods, but when he's cold and unresponding (and even downright mean) to our son, my blood just boils.  I'm thinking "That's the reward our son gets after waiting a miserably long week to get to spend some time with his dad.  And not once complaining, just waiting for his turn to be the center of his dad's universe."

Our son has intermittently exhibited somewhat aggressive and combative behavior since he was a toddler, usually in the form of play-acting.  Although he has noticeably improved and continues improving his behavior, I feel at least part of this acting out is an attempt to get his father's attention as well as a release of anger that builds up from such continuous frustration. He hardly ever gets Charles' undivided attention.  It is extremely painful for me to observe.

This past week our son started pre-school.  His dad worked late nights the whole week, but he did manage to come home fairly early Friday evening.  Then he spent most of that time talking on the telephone, which left very little opportunity for meaningful conversation with our son.  That almost felt like a slap in the face, seeing how the boy had just reached one of those special markers in life, one which had been a rather difficult adjustment for him. and his dad was becoming more and more distant that evening; he was preoccupied with his favorite subject:  his business.

What's really bothering me is that we have been discussing this particular problem since our son was a couple of months old.  He keeps promising to do better, to make it up to him, to us.  Changing people is impossible, isn't it?  Shouldn't we allow people to be who they are and accept them as they are?  Those thoughts going on one side of my brain, the other side shouting an adamant "NO!  Our son needs more than that and he deserves more and I'm not going to accept less than what is required for his well-being."

It seems my husband was also emotionally abused as a child by his mother, who, when angry at him, would also ignore, shun and generally act as if he did not exist until she decided to acknowledge his existence once again. He admits he treats his own son the way he was treated as a child.  When we discuss this during normal, calm discussions, he says he feels he was treated too severely as a child. When I ask him how he felt at the time he was being treated that way, he responds that he hated it and that it was unfair.  And sometimes he will add something to the effect that "it worked so it must be all right."

Before I cloud the issue with excess detail, I suppose what I could use the most is any advice on dealing with this problem and also some techniques which might help me avoid arguing, criticizing and complaining (things I know not to do because they solve nothing).

If my husband's behavior sounds like he may suffer from some mild (or even not so mild) condition, disorder, etc., I would like a chance to learn about it in order to better deal with it and maybe even help him help himself.  Other things about his behavior that disturb me include having a persistently negative outlook about the world and life in general (negative comments seem to "pop" out before he has a chance to think a "good" thought; although he seems to make an effort at times to change to a positive comment.

He seems to think about himself or things related to him almost constantly. At the same time he seems to have a terribly low self esteem.  He obsessess about having a multi-million-dollar business one day and being self-made and self-sufficient.  Right now he has a low-paying job which makes him feel bad about himself.  He tends to shift blame for most mistakes to sources other than himself. All I know is my little boy, who happens to be a very sensitive little guy, is crushed over and over again by his fathers lack of attention.

Something very disturbing to me happened tonight.  My husband was dozing on our bed.  I laid down beside him, put my arm around him, and he put his around me.  Like clockwork, before long, there's the kid plopping down in between the two of us.  My husband then turns on his back and completely ignores the child, clearly not thrilled  about the sudden threesome.  Whether or not the child's motive was to separate mom and dad (I think that irritates my husband), I feel is unimportant because obviously he is seeking companionship from his father at the same time. I would hazard a guess that it is precisely this unmet need for his fathers companionship that is creating some emotional turmoil in our child.

It feels like a vicious cycle/circle.  Boy wants dad, dad wants wife, wife wants vacation (just joking there).  Seriously, what's so disturbing to me is that it feels like my husband is craving my attention just as badly as our son is craving his father's.  I might understand that if I felt I ignored my husband to any degree, but I don't.  Quite the opposite is the case.  I basically am unable to ignore any human being, even if I tried.  He is a talker and he gets a lot of my attention.

These are things that cannot wait; they cannot be done without or substituted or made up for.  When parents are not available to their child, when the child goes unheard, unnoticed or ignored, with each occurrence that soul is permanently and irreparably damaged to some degree.  I can no longer stand by and watch this happening to our family.  I am taking action.  Somebody, somehow, some way is going to get through to you.  

Dear Reader: 

I understand your frustration, but, as you said, getting angry isn't going to do any good. What you really need to do is find a substitute for his dad in your son's life.  Do you have a brother/father/ cousin who can take an interest in him?  Your husband needs a role model for fathering, and also a little motivation. Seeing some other man involved with his son (and make sure he sees it)  can do both.  If not, try getting a Big Brother for your son. 

You are not going to be able to push your spouse into doing what doesn't come naturally to him, what he has no basis for understanding.  He obviously identifies with his work (as do many type-A men) and believes earning a living is sufficient. 
 
The effect of abuse in childhood is that the adult grows up to be unfeeling and withdrawn.  It is not something he does on purpose: it's called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and it's an emotional dysfunction. It is not just going to go away because you tell him to change.  Your husband needs help, but he probably would not be willing to admit it.  I recommend you go to some Adult Children of Alcoholics ( ACoA) meetings, or get into therapy yourself, to learn about the problem and get support in working through it, because your husband will most likely not go on his own, due to his PTSD.

Your spouse would see low pay as a big problem, but he won't see lack of emotional expression or support as a problem.  He doesn't really acknowledge that emotional bonding is desirable, since he never experienced it.  The truth is, your son could be OK if his father were dead or gone.  He would still grow up to be a well-balanced man.  Yes, it would be ideal for him to have contact with his father, but there are other things that will give him what he needs.  Try not to make this a bigger problem than it really is. Stop holding out for your husband to do it, and go about finding the necessary substitutes.  Single mothers have to do this all the time.

Because of your husband's childhood issues, he can't get sufficient attention to meet his needs.  That's the disorder he has.  And he will  see your son as his rival for the affection he desperately needs, but at the same time can't let in.  Don't count on your husband "taking it to heart."   He is damaged, and the repairs needed are extensive.  You're better off seeking to replace what your son needs elsewhere, and take the pressure off yourself and your husband. He doesn't understand what it is to love, because he was not loved himself as a child, so you're trying to get blood out of a stone --no chance.  You are the one who has to see what's going on.  If you insist on your husband doing it, matters will just get worse.

So, you need some therapy to get yourself on an even keel before you can help either your son or your husband.  Try my article "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  To better understand your husband's issues read It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

Later, Reader replies:

You are great!  Your answers were VERY HELPFUL. I was desperate and only wrote out of desperation, not even thinking I'd receive ANY answer, much less an answer that actually makes sense to me. I have been reading about PTSD lately and did not even connect that disorder to my husband.  Thank you, thank you, thank you. I will remember how grateful I am when I do become financially able to pay for some counseling/therapy.  I did about a year ago get the idea of "big brothers."  I guess it is time. Love your advice!

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: He says that I am cheating on him, but I don't feel that way.

Dear Dr. Romance:

My boyfriend and I have been having problems in our relationship  lately because of of the time I spend on social media.  I estimate that in  a 48 hour period I spend 8 hours chatting with my friends.  He estimates that I spend 15 hours there.  One of his biggest problems is that the chat rooms are adult-xxx rooms, but for the most part I don't do the XXX stuff.  Only when we both agree do we get intimate.  He has caught me  in the chat room without him on occasion when I promised not to, and this is a big part of the problem.

My position that he is the one who introduced me to this scene  and now that I love it he wants me to quit.  He feels that I am ignoring  him in favor of these other people and that he can't trust me anymore.   He says that I am cheating on him, but I don't feel that way.  I am just having fun with this.  I am popular here and get a lot of attention. It is a ego boost.

The whole issue goes way beyond what I've mentioned here.  It is  the whole progression of the situation.  In the two months that I've  been doing this, he feels that I have elevated my chat friends to the  same level that he has been for these last twelve years. 

What do you think we should do?  There must be a compromise that can be reached.

Dear Reader:

Well, telling him you wouldn't, and then doing it, is a big problem, isn't it?   Breaking the trust in your relationship creates a lot of problems.  I know how easy it is to spend lots of time online, but even 8 out of 48 hours sounds like too much to me.  It makes me think that the rest of your life lacks enough contact with real time friends. Yes, the ego boost does feel good, but it won't replace your relationship if you lose it, so you need to put everything in perspective.   It sounds like you two used to do this chatting together, and now you don't.  That's a big change in your agreement. The first thing I'd suggest is that you do a lot of the chatting together.  That way, no one has to worry about trust, because both of you will know what's going on.  Also, you need to reach some mutual agreements about what you're doing.  

If you're using the chat rooms to avoid problems in your relationship, you'll just make things worse. "Better Intimacy, Better Sex" will help you heal your sexual relationship.  "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will help you work out a new agreement that you can both be happy with. If he's acting like a policeman, and you're feeling that you have to hide out from him, that won't work either.  

You must stop focusing on who's right or wrong, and start focusing on what will fix the problem between you. How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will teach you the skills you need to know for learning to negotiate agreements like this.  If you can't learn to work together, use "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" and go for marriage counseling with a sex-positive counselor who can understand the issues.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I have no support structure

Dear Dr. Romance: 

 

I am 48 years of age, never married but would definitely like to. I am doing the online dating thing for a while now and so far no success.  I am currently speaking to a gentleman who lives in another state; but given he is currently a pilot he feels bicoastal is a good thing for him.  I, of course, am open to it. However, it’s all still very new.  He is going to arrange to meet with me soon and take it from there.   Well, I know it's all talk let's see what happens now.

 

In any event, the primary reason why I am writing is because I get depressed, lonely and get feelings of hopelessness. Sometimes I feel as though what I am doing is a waste of time.  It really can be discouraging but I try my best to get on my feet.  I have no support structure.  My mother passed away five years ago and my father almost one year ago as well. Therefore, I basically have no family except for a five year old niece that is currently in foster care about to be adopted.   I am strongly considering relocating.  This city has changed drastically and the cost of living has risen tremendously.  I think I can get more for the money elsewhere, but that is in the back of my head and remains to be seen.   I have a distant aunt who is discouraging and advices me to give up on the man thing since nothing works for me.  I am not ready to give up.  Although I admit it's discouraging I do have fun trying.   I am unhappy with work and basically have no friends.  Most of what I do to entertain myself I have to do alone and it takes the fun out of things.  It's good to have downtime but I have a bit too much.  There are times that I just don't know what do with myself, or even where to go as big as this city is.  There are but only so many museums you can go to and so many books you can read.   It really just comes down to wanting to be with someone. 

 

This gentleman I plan on meeting is 38 years of age and I am 48 years of age. He says he likes older women and does not want a family.  It works fine by now I can't have them he doesn't want them so it's all good.    What is your opinion on this?  I mean it is an 11 year age gap. 

 

I enjoyed reading your article on “The Colors of You” and it made me cry.  I am going to purchase some of your self help books but don't know which one yet.

  

Dear Reader:

 

I'm glad you liked "The Colors of You."  It sounds like you need to get more of a life.  If you want to move, this would be a good time, since you haven't established any connections there, but take care in choosing where you want to live.  Make sure your new place has what you want.  Yes, it would be cheaper to live elsewhere, but it won't benefit you if you don't like the place. 

 

I don't think an 11 year age difference is something to worry about, and long distance relationships can work, but one relationship is not enough to fill up your life.  Find some group activities to join.  If you like museums, every one has classes, lectures, and group activities.  Find one you're interested in that has something people come to regularly, and begin going.  After a few sessions, you'll begin making connections with people, and friendships can grow from that. You won't find happiness until you find friends; they make all the difference in your life. "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" will teach you how, and "Your Bestest Friend - You" will show you how to befriend yourself.  The best book for you to get is The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty.  It will help you achieve balance in your life.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance on Silver and Gold: secrets to making and keeping friends

Dr. Romance writes: Make new friends, keep the old. One is silver, the other is gold.——adage

Research conducted by Dr. Dean Ornish and others shows that the happiest and healthiest people are those who are well-connected to friends and family. But, in our mobile society, keeping friends is not always possible. Long-term friendships are wonderful and valuable, but if you don’t make new connections as you get older, your group of friends may diminish due to death and relocation. If you haven’t made new friends in a while, updating your definition of friendship and increasing your skills at meeting people will be worth your while.

First, consider what being a friend means to you. Who are your best friends? What qualities do they have? Once you have a clear idea of the kinds of friendships you would enjoy, you can decide to create more of them in your life. This can be done in two ways:

• Make changes in your current relationships ask your friends to participate in activities you enjoy, and spend more time with the friends whose style of friendship best complements your own.

• Create new friendships: Reach out to coworkers, your neighbors or church members and invite them to accompany you in a favorite activity or for coffee. As an alternative, you may want to join a discussion group focused on literature, film, or painting, or take a class in yoga, or cooking. If you spend time with people who have similar interests, you will soon create new friends.

If you find that you don’t have enough friends, here are some guidelines for making new ones. Of course, you can tailor these suggestions to your personal tastes.

1. Get a social life. If you want to meet people with whom you have something in common, do things on a regular basis that involve others. Activities can range from taking classes, joining hobby clubs, volunteering, playing a sport or game, hiking, or any pursuit that meets regularly. The people you meet will share your interest, and you’ll have something to talk about and enjoy together.

2. Find interesting, fun people. Being involved in an ongoing activity, and meeting with the same people on a regular basis gives you a chance to get to know them before you decide to pursue a more personal relationship. When you find someone you think is particularly pleasant, spend a little time talking with him or her during or after your activity. Ask questions about the project you are working on, or share experiences and advice. If you both enjoy the conversation, goes well, you can offer to meet before or after the session for coffee. From there, you can begin do more things together, until you’ve established a pattern of friendship.

3. Don’t overlook people you know. While you’re making new friends, don’t forget the people you already know. Is there a favorite family member you’d like to see more often? Call him or her and suggest going for a walk, or to lunch. Are there acquaintances at work, at church, in your neighborhood, involved in your child’s ( or your own) school, or elsewhere with whom you could develop a friendship? Consider reaching out to them. Let these people know that you’d like to share events and activities.

Spending quality time with friends is beneficial to your emotional, mental and physical health. If you follow the above steps, you’ll find that it isn’t as difficult as you think to make friends.

Adapted from The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm afraid of an unsuccessful "goose chase"

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been very hesitant to contact a marriage counselor because of bad experiences I have heard about from others.  If you were in my part of the country, how would you go about seeking out and selecting one?  I have not even begun to look for fear this would be an unsuccessful "goose chase".  Thanks.

Dr. Romance responds:

There are good and bad counselors, just as there are good and bad plumbers, doctors and lawyers.  See if you can find a friend who's had a good experience. : "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" shows you  Internet sites you can search to find a reputable and effective therapist, when to get a therapist, and how to make sure it's the right therapist. I've listed the  "Ten Things People Don't Know About Therapy" here to help you understand the reality of getting counseling.

Ten Things People Don’t Know about Therapy

I recently had a first session with a client who said, about halfway into the hour “Wow. I like you. I’m surprised.” I laughed, but I knew what the client meant. As a psychotherapist in private practice, I encounter a lot of people who waited far too long to come in for counseling because they didn’t understand what it was or how it could help them. When they do finally come in, I hear all the reasons why they haven’t come in sooner. There’s a lot of bad information out there. These ten things will clear up confusion and help you understand when counseling would be a good idea for you, or for a friend, colleague or family member.

1. It doesn’t mean you’re crazy. Therapy is for helping you learn to handle your feelings and thoughts in a more effective way.

2. It’s not about blaming your parents or other people. While understanding events in your life that may trigger feelings is helpful, a good therapist will not encourage you to blame anyone, even yourself. The point is to make changes in how you think and feel.

3. It really can vastly improve your life, and make you more successful and happier.

4. You can learn skills you didn’t know you needed, that will get you what you want.

5. It’s not scary, it’s enlightening. You won’t be harmed or belittled—instead, you’ll be delighted at what you find out.

6. It doesn’t cost a lot. The earlier you go in, the quicker you can get the problem solved, and the less it will cost.

7. No topic is off limits. Whatever you haven’t been able to talk about, the therapist will create a safe place for you to hear and be heard.

8. Communication is not only something you need to learn to do well with others, it is also important to see how you’re relating to yourself. Therapy will help you learn the skills you need to improve both external and internal communication.

9. Even if you are on medication, you can benefit from counseling. Research shows overwhelmingly that medication alone won’t fix anxiety or depression. Learning to express your feelings and become comfortable with yourself, as well as changing your self-talk, is what makes the difference.

10 It’s about being happy, sunshine. Therapy can help you understand your underlying motive and desires and teach you how to be your best, most fulfilled, and happiest self.

If you know someone you want to recommend counseling to, the best way to do it without hurting their feelings or upsetting them is to tell about your own experience and how it helped you. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  will show you or someone you care about when and how to find a good therapist.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will teach you the same skills and techniques I teach couples in my therapy practice.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I walked away when she needed me most

Dear Dr. Romance:

 

I am a young man whose life has fallen apart because of the girl I love so much. I slept with her but then she betrayed me by telling every body she saw and I felt so bad and walked away from her when she needed me the most. I could count all the tears that run out of her eyes but still could do nothing. Now she has found herself a new lover when I also need her the most. When I call her and tell her I miss her she rejects me.  Now I realize she is only woman I have ever truly loved with all my heart. I am afraid I might hurt her again just because I love her. I care for her so much. Please help me out I am dying here, and it’s all because of love. Help me get her back.  Please give me tips on how to get her back I know I am willing and obedient and able wait only for her.

 

Dear Reader:

 

I'm afraid you blew this one.  If she's already involved with someone else, you have to leave her alone.  Learn from your mistakes, and work on being more emotionally mature.  I can't help you get her back, but if you give her a lot of space (no calls, no texts, no e-mails, no stalking her on Social Media, no following her around or showing up at her house)  she may have a chance to re-think things.  In the meantime, get on with your life. "10 Reasons For Not Falling in Love" will help you understand why you walked away from your love,  "Growing Up As An Adult" will help you become more emotionally mature, and  "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will give you a healthy model for your future relationship. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction has all the information you need to improve your life and relationships.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: The constant problem has been broken trust

Dear Dr. Romance,

My girlfriend is 17 years older than me and we have been dating for over 2 years. The past year has had lots of fighting and has been very tough on both of us. We are currently taking a break, trying to work out our differences. The constant problem has been broken trust. I love this woman more than I could ever imagine myself loving someone.

 

She has literally been everything I want in a woman, except for just a few things. She is very free spirited and DOES NOT want to be controlled. On the level of where we are at in our lives, we are very close to the same point and our chemistry is perfect on our good days. She feels like my soul mate until we get into an argument about something related to the trust being broken. I really want to make this work, what would you recommend for me to do?  I own a company and go to school full time, she goes to the same school as me and we are both about a year from graduating and she has many stressful pressures on her for her life in general. I feel that I get the short end of the stick sometimes, since we are so close. She has stated that she could see herself with me forever, she could see herself having kids with me (not even when she was married, could she say that) and that she feels closer to me than anyone else she has ever dated, or her previous husband. I hope you can give me some advice because she really means the world to me and I love her soooo much, thanks!

 

Dear Reader:

 

I think the key is in your statement that she "does not want to be controlled."    To me, this means that both of you think one person should be in control of the relationship, and that's why you're fighting.  You're probably always fighting about who's right, aren't you?  Relationships are not about control: they're about partnership; working together to figure out what will work for both of you.  You have to accept that she's got a busy life right now, and help her by not being too demanding. Instead, make it as easy as possible for the two of you to see each other, and for both of you to get your school work done.  Fighting is a giant waste of your time, and it does damage besides.  "Fair Fight Guidelines"  and "Stop Reacting; Start Relating" will help you learn to communicate instead of fight, and How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will show you how to understand each other and give each other room to be individuals.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance: You Are a Gift

Dr. Romance writes: Each of us is individual, special and different for a reason: You are a gift to the planet.

Anthropology tells us we are different because we survive better that way – the recombining of genes in sexual reproduction makes us a stronger species than cloning would.

However, that doesn’t account for the beauty of our differences. Each of us is a special package, a gift to the planet. If you’re looking for a reason for your life, look into your gifts. The whole point is to discover what you have to give, and to give it as effectively as possible.

I believe I came into this planet to heal: First, to heal myself and learn to value who I am, then to help heal the planet, one person at a time.

Healing is an art; not just a science or a technology. It’s not enough to throw the latest scientific discovery or medical advance at the problem – you have to get into all the messy, bleeding, hurting parts, sort out the problem, and clear the blocks so the healing can begin.

All my experience, personal and professional verifies that this is the only way it can be done. There are many different paths that can be used to get into the healing mode, and they all lead to the same place: love. Healing only takes place in an atmosphere of love. My clients heal as they learn to love themselves, and demonstrating love to those around you will create a healing atmosphere. But what is love?

Love is a confusing word. We use it to mean obligation: "If you love me you’ll...." We use it for dependency: "I love you, I can’t live without you." We use it for ownership: "We’re in love, we belong to each other." We use it for charity: "I do this for you because I love you."

I want to see love freed. I think the world exists on love, and that it is love which binds us together.

Science has not yet understood the mysterious force which holds the tiny particles of the atom together, and thus holds everything in our physical world together. Pretend with me that the binding force is love: If that were true, then we’d each be an expression of love and surrounded by love. The phrase "God is love" would take on new dimensions.

We would be free and able to let our partners be free, because we would not have to do anything to be bonded. And we would not have to prove to ourselves that we love – it would be obvious to all around us. We could let our partners be different without being scared – just as protons and neutrons are different and express themselves differently, yet remain bonded.

So, I talk frequently about love, and as much as possible, walk my talk. My life is about freeing love. I believe love grows out of freedom, that free beings are open to loving and being loved. It is not possible to push or force people into loving. The only thing that works is leaving enough room for love to grow.

The more free people there are, the more love will be freed in the world. I invite you to join me in creating as much non-demanding, non-possessive love as we can in the world.

Adapted from How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I have been feeling lonely since high school

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am 23 years old. I have been feeling lonely since high school and recently, its been getting worse. I feel like I can't have really close relationships with women and yet that is what I crave most right now. I recently cut off a friendship of 5 years because my "friend" was selfish and didn't really care about me. I have been making plans with friends, for instance last weekend, I went with a few friends to Santa Barbara on a bachelorette party. And I talk to/am acquainted with quite a few girls with whom I can socialize, make plans, hang out, but I don't feel really close to them. I really want to meet a few girls that will be my best friends, and hang out with me often, take trips together, etc. But once I establish contact with a girl and we start going out together, it doesn't seem like we can ever get it to that next "best friend" level.

A little bit of background: I don't smoke or drink alcohol and its not a religious thing, so I feel that to a certain degree that has impaired my ability to become close with others. As you no doubt know, most people in our society, most of which are my age, partake in the supposed  pleasure of alcohol. They do stupid stuff, and they bond over it, while I am left out. This has wreaked  havoc for me in the friendship department in college. I enjoy going out dancing, but because I don't drink, none of my friends who do really invite me out, its always me who has to do the inviting.

The people that do hang out with me perceive me, as best as I can tell, to be interesting, and fun, etc. But for some reason, we can't connect on that deeper level. Can you help me?

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you're feeling lonely.  Perhaps you're choosing the wrong crowd with whom to seek friendship.  A bachelorette party, by definition, will probably involve drinking, as will dancing.  It sounds as if you're doing OK meeting new friends, but if you want the people you meet to be capable of deeper friendships, you need to stay away from the drinking crowd.  Find a study group, sports club, political club, music group, hobby group or book club within your school  in which to meet new friends.  If the group isn't centered around partying, you'll be much more successful.  "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends"  and "The Tennis Match"  will help you have been success with friends, and The 10 Smartest Decisions A Woman Can Make Before 40 will help you with every aspect of connecting with people.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I Cry upon a disagreement

 Dear Dr. Romance:

Your article on "Fair Fight Guidelines" is wonderful!!!  My major issue is that I cry upon a disagreement. This prevents me to think clearly, act maturely and interact directly. Would you please address this issue?

Dear Reader:

Thank you for the compliment. I'm glad you liked the article. Crying on disagreement is probably something you learned as a small child: it most likely prevented people from being harsh with you.  However, you've seen it doesn't work very well in adult life.  "Comforting the Little  Orphan Girl" will help you understand the source of your tears.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  has specific exercises which will help you be more in charge of your feelings, so you can remain in adult mode when under stress. Best of luck with your relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I was controlling and verbally abusive

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm a 32 yr old man who is lost when it comes to relationships. I just had a chance with a nice woman which I subconsciously messed up. I didn't accept her for who she was . I was controlling, verbally abusive, and not compassionate with her. The thing is I don't know why I did this. My mother was never really in relationship after she divorced my father. I would ask her different things about women but she would give  me vague answers. I learned about women in the streets. I was taught that women will get over on you if they can. Also I was taught that if women  were to respect me I had to control them. I don't wanna be like this though  but it's ingrained in me. I don't have money for a psychologist but I need  help: where do I go?

Dear Reader:

You're right. Your belief system is toxic, and won't lead to successful  relationships.  Love is not about controlling the other person, it is about developing a partnership that works.   "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  will help you find therapy you can afford.  "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship" will help you understand what is confusing about relationships, and my book, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will help you create a new model of relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance on How to Write a Love Letter: put your relationship in perspective

Happy Valentine's Day!

Dr Romance adapted this from an Alcoholics Anonymous handout:

We often get out of touch or out of sorts with people – sometimes they leave or pass on, sometimes we quarrel, sometimes we just grow apart. If your connection, or lack of one, with someone is troubling you, here’s a simple way to ease your mind and your heart.

HOW TO WRITE A LOVE LETTER

Writing has a powerful effect on our emotional state. The following exercise is designed to help you fully express feelings that may have lain dormant for a long time, or may be too intense and jumbled for your to process effectively. You’ll find it helpful in expressing what you feel, especially if you’re having difficulty letting go, forgiving, grieving for or being appropriately angry at someone.

THIS LETTER IS NOT DESIGNED TO BE MAILED TO ANYONE. After you write it, you may decide to write another appropriately adjusted for the other person to read. The point of this is to let your feelings out, uncensored and unedited. Begin by expressing your anger, resentment and blame and allow yourself to move through the other levels until you get down to the love.

You may find your feelings begin pouring out as you write. If so, just go with what you feel. If you get stuck or confused, using the following suggested lead_in phrases may help you.

1. ANGER AND BLAME

I don’t like it when.............

I resent...........

I hate it when

I’m fed up with.......

I’m tired of...........

2. HURT AND SADNESS

I feel sad when......

I feel hurt because.......

I feel awful because........

I feel disappointed because...........

3. FEAR AND INSECURITY

I feel afraid..........

I’m afraid that..............

I feel scared because..............

I don’t understand..........

4.GUILT AND RESPONSIBILITY

I’m sorry that.......

I’m sorry for........

Please forgive me for.........

I didn’t mean to...........

5.LOVE, FORGIVENESS, UNDERSTANDING AND DESIRE

I love you because...........

I love when..........

Thank you for.........

I understand that........

I forgive you for.........

I want...............

Now, put the letter away for a couple of days, then re-read it and decide if you want to share part of it with the other person . If you’re writing to someone who has passed on, or you can't contact, you may want to burn the letter, to symbolically "send" it.

from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I haven't even kissed a girl in ten years

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm not sure where to begin. I am single white male tall and stocky like a football player. My problem is I'm to shy and I fail to respond when women come on to me It's like I freeze up.  I'm not out to get laid but to fall in love I fell in love once and it totally wasted me. I haven't even kissed a girl in ten years if you believe that.

When I was an alcoholic I had no inhibitions and it was no problem to meet women but I haven't had a drink in ten years.  Now I'm sitting in the prison of Christianity and going nowhere. Any advice would be appreciated

Dear Reader:

There are two factors that contribute to your shyness.  One is that you never healed the hurt from 10 years ago, and you're afraid to open yourself up to being hurt again.

The other is that, when you make a huge change, like giving up alcohol, you have to re-learn how to do life.  What ever age you were when you began drinking (I'm guessing early teens) is the emotional age you are now, because drinking stopped you from learning for all those years.

Are you going to 12-step meetings?    If you are, that's a great place to learn with and from others who understand, because they've been there, too.  But, you're not going to learn unless you speak up and let your meeting know what your problem is.  If you are in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), and you have a sponsor, your sponsor can help.

You need to mentally practice how to talk to women.  Watch romantic movies and TV, and other people; and copy what the coolest men do.  Women will respond to you, you just have to know the techniques. Think of what you are doing as making friends, not beginning a new relationship.  That's too scary, when you don't even know the woman you're talking to.  If you focus on just making friends with women, you'll relax a little.  If a woman talks to you, and you freeze up, rehearse the scene later, when you're alone.  Instead of giving yourself a hard time, just practice what you could have said, and you'll find it easier to respond the next time.

In your imagination, go over every time a woman approached you, and figure out what you could have said and done.  Practice in front of a mirror.   You'll find you feel more comfortable after you've practiced a while. You need to do some work on your old hurt, and resolve it.   The Real Thirteenth Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance, and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs  has exercises and guidelines to help you.   "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" is a step-by step guide to dating. "10 Reasons for Not Falling in Love" will help you understand why you are having this problem.

 Christianity doesn't have to be a prison.  It could be a fellowship, and a great resource for understanding people you can talk to, volunteer with, and get to know. 

 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Can I ask her to give up her job?

             
Dear Dr. Romance:

My wife has developed a connection with someone at work.  Can I ask her to give up her job? If the guy she works with is the source of her attention, would it not be better to take him out of the picture. If she doesn't see him at all wouldn't that help  her concentrate on 'us'.  It has been a month since we have been intimate, and this has been going on for almost two months. I am trying to be patient; is there anything I can use as encouragement to help me continue fighting for my family, for my wife.  Is there signs, from her, I can use to know if things are changing?

I am going to ask her to go to a marriage counselor. If she insists we don't need one, and that everything will work out...then what??

Dear Reader:

Well, it's really time to begin talking to your wife (if it's not too late already).  A marriage can't survive on occasional time together.  You both need contact with each other.  It sounds like what happened is that she was used to being neglected, but now she's in an environment with other people who are giving her attention, communication and perhaps even affection. That's what you have to compete with.

DO NOT get upset and demand anything right now.  If you do, she will just get defensive and argue, or clam up and refuse to talk.  No matter how upset you are, you need to stay calm, let her know that you care about her, and invite her to talk to you.  What she probably needs to know is that you will listen to her without getting angry.    Let her know you're worried, you miss her, you want to fix any  problems the two of you have.

Begin there, and then if the two of you both still want the marriage to work, you'll probably  need some counseling.  This may be too big a problem to handle on your own. Read my article "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  I understand why you want her to give up her job; but it's not a good idea to ask anything of  her right now.  It still sounds as if you're seeing all this as "her fault"  rather than the obvious result of a problem both of you have created. Your best bet is to search for where you have gone wrong, and caused her to turn to someone else, and look for ways to fix that.   If you make that effort, and find ways to make being with you as inviting as possible, you may find  that she volunteers to quit or do something else to increase your time together.  But, to push for  her to quit when she's having a better time at work than at home, is not likely to  work. Get yourself some help in seeing things more from her point of view, and a little less from your own. "Handling the Green-Eyed Monster" will help you both understand jealousy and how to talk about it.  My book, Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed can help you create a more functional relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I catch him looking at me with passion in his eyes

Dear Dr. Romance:

As a woman in my early twenties, I am finding it hard to get over a man with whom i have  been in love with for 5 years. He is married now to another woman and they are about to have their first child.

Seven years ago, I joined a church choir where i met this man. He gives me  and some other choir members car ride every Saturday and Sunday to church.

He is such a really nice guy and i had a little crush on him. I think he did not say anything to me about his feelings because i was underage but when i turned 18 or 19 i believe, he gave me a birthday card and in it, he implied that he had feelings for me. I ignored it at first because i found out that he was engaged to another in our same church. 

Over time, I started to realize that i was falling in love with him. He treated me so well with respect and lots of care, and I could not help but fall in love with him. Even though he was engaged, he chatted with me online almost everyday.

Things were going well until 2 years ago when he told me he was getting married. I was heartbroken, I cried that night.  I think because at the back of my mind, I was holding on to the hope that one way or the other we would end up together.

To make things worse, the night before his wedding, he told me that he had to get something out of his chest and told me that He Loves Me.  I wondered why are you marrying this woman. If you love me so much, why don't you want to be in a committed relationship with me.

The truth of the matter is  that I wished I was the one he was getting married to and not his fiancée. I was invited to the wedding, went to the wedding, endured it and wished him happiness in his married life. But the struggle continued within.

He still loves me and i still love him. I tried so hard to get  over him. To told myself to just be his friend as i have been and be happy for the decision he made. He seems happy in his marriage but sometimes I catch him looking at me with passion in his eyes. When I avoid him for weeks by not chatting with him online or calling him, he gets hurt and feels like I am trying to stop our friendship. 

The problem is that I am still in love with him but I will never never in my life have an affair with a married man. Its so bad that sometimes i get so jealous when I see him with his wife. I even compare myself  to her asking myself, how is she better than me. A few days ago, he told me that his wife is pregnant and they are going to have a baby. I congratulated him, but for some reason I cried. In my mind I was like, it  is over. 

Please help. I really want to get over this man. I am sick and tired of feeling hurt over a man I will never have. I want my heart to move one. Right now I am single and I think that is even making things worse. I want to find a man who deserves me and will treat me with love and respect. A man I can love back. A man who will not be ashamed to spend the rest of his life  with me.

How do I get over this man??? That is my big problem. I even got mad at myself for feeling  sad when he told me that he and his wife are having a child. I am truly happy for them. But I am  still hurt. I need to get over my wounds at heart.

I need to get over him in my heart not just in my head. He is making it hard for me still  because he even told me that once he thought that he made the wrong  choice of marrying his wife. He thought that when he got married that he would forget about me but he did not. And at one time when he was still engaged to his wife that he loved me more than her.

I don't want to feel bitter whenever I see him with his wife and soon his child. I don't want to continue to say that I wish I was in his wife's shoes (being the wife and having children with him).  I want to get over him forever. They say time heals wounds. I don't know how effective that is. I have prayed and prayed for God to help me get over him. 

Please do you have any advice or words of wisdom?  I need to know what to do to get over him in my heart and live a fulfilled life. I have come to a final conclusion that I can never have him ever since he got married and now having a child. I have accepted that reality.  But now, I want my heart to let go of him. I will keep praying for God to give me the strength to move on.

Dear Reader:

Do you see what a dishonorable man this is?  Why is he messing with you when he's married to someone else?  He would probably do the same thing to you if you married him; he'd flirt with other women. 

This is not a good man.  He's using you for his own satisfaction, to inflate his own ego, and doesn't care that he's being hurtful.  You are right to think you must let go of him.  Maybe you'll need to go to a different church to be rid of him.  Don't ride with him, don't talk to him, don't be friends with him.  You are addicted to this man, and it's preventing you from having real love in your life.  Get away from him and his wife, don't associate with him, don't talk to him.  Make  a clean break.  Use "How to Write a Love Letter" as an exercise. It's not a letter to send, but a letter to get out your feelings.  Then, read the article "Letting Go Takes Love" and the article "Where is Love?"    You are making yourself miserable by obsessing on this man.  You think you care more about him than you do about yourself.  That is backward.  Do whatever you have to do to let go.  Find a Codependents Anonymous meeting and go.  The people there will help you change your focus.  Please, don't let this go on any longer. 

It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  will show you how to be honest with yourself, which is the first step to developing an honest and trustworthy relationship with someone else.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on: It's a Dirty Job: Use the Silly Solution for a Healthy Relationship

Dr. Romance writes: Early in our marriage, after a difficult struggle between us, I gave my husband Richard a card. All over the front it said, "I love you," and inside it said, "It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it." That phrase has carried us through many difficult times since.

I read many articles about what happens "after the passion dies" in long-term relationships, and my clients frequently are worried about the same question. I believe what happens, when all goes well, is that a sense of humor sets in.

The burden of passion can be a heavy one. Having to rev up the energy for a passionate, heavy-breathing session making love after a hard day's work can be an appalling prospect. How much more inviting it is to be able to have a silly giggle session, complete with sexual play, with the dearest person I know. Suddenly, the heaviness and obligation are gone, and if I'm too tired to be passionate and alluring, I always seem to have the energy to "mess around".

Arguments are hard to have with a lovable three- year-old, which is what my husband can become at the drop of an accusation. He puts his hands on his hips, sticks out his chin, and (in a perfect imitation of a kid mimicking an angry parent) says, "Who did that?" He then points his finger at whatever offense (a messy table, a forgotten chore) I've lost my sense of humor about. Watching him, I can't hang on to my anger. After we laugh, then we can do something constructive about the problem.

P1ease understand that I'm speaking of humor, not irresponsibility. We are both adults, self-starters, business owners, and we have an equal, relatively balanced relationship. We hashed that in our first few years of marriage. We get angry with each other mostly out of irritability, exhaustion and frustration with our heavy schedules - not because either one of us is slacking off. Things don't get done at times because we have hectic lives, and hectic lives benefit greatly from a sense of humor.

It takes a certain amount of self-acceptance to create healthy humor, rather than the hurtful kind; but then again, this loving, shared laughter has also enhanced my degree of self-awareness. The paradox seems to be that having permission for childlike play also gives permission to be responsible and self-accepting. We don't make nasty jokes about each other and our love; we share a sense of humor about it, and it makes a big difference. We laugh together, and it feels good.

We have been together since 1981, and using gentle humor still works. We've been together longer than either of us has been with anyone else, and I don't feel in danger of being bored. I seem to easily run out of things to be passionate or dramatic about, but laughter never gets boring. It's also difficult to store up resentments against the person in my life who makes it easiest for me to laugh.

I find myself looking for ways to make Richard laugh; and the more I practice it, The better I get. He seems to  know my "laugh buttons" better, too. Could he be looking for them? I wouldn't be surprised.

So, rather than treasuring old grudges, old hurts, we treasure old jokes and funny lines. I know I can turn to Richard and say "it's a dirty job ..." and get an answering smile. I also know he understands when I say that phrase, that I love him, "warts and all." It's a good feeling.

There are times when an overwhelming feeling of warmth and caring flows over me, and many of those times are when I laugh with Richard. Humor seems to be the secret, at least for us, in both keeping our love fresh and alive, and in feeling confident that we will not lose our "specialness" to each other.

The more we learn about living together, The less we struggle, and the less we struggle, the more we laugh and play. In many years of counseling couples, I have learned that struggle is often used by families to structure time. As a partner in this relationship, I have learned that replacing the drama of struggle with the delight of humor can be a positive addiction; and a powerful solution for what to do with our time together.

The net result of all this is that I have become an advocate of the "silly solution", and it is working better than all the seriousness I used to think my relationships required. I wish for you a lighter step, daily laughter, and love that makes you smile.

Adapted from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I get upset that he hasn't been responding at all

Dear Dr. Romance,  
I just wanted to express to you how I thoroughly enjoyed your article about how there should be a tennis match type of communication. The guy I like hasn't been responding when he usually responds and though he's a busy professional, I get upset that he hasn't been responding at all.
 
I let a few days go by and have expressed to him how much I miss being intimate with him. Usually, he's so happy and responds immediately (he gets happy & excited), but now I really worry. I worry because I met him through my co-worker, which happens to be an ex-girlfriend of his and ever since I have stopped talking to her, he's stopped communicating with me. I sensed she was jealous because they are the same culture/nationality and she'd make a comment like "You should date within your culture" (which I think is very racist) 

Anyways, to make a long story short, I have not heard from in ages and my heart is in so much pain. I sent him 3 emails recently tonight and hope I can give him the space needed to respond appropriately.  I honestly love him, but I am so deprived of the affection and attention I used to get from him. I haven't heard from him since late June (we played phone tag) and am scared of losing him forever. Any specific advice??? How long should I give him to respond before completely losing hope? He said we'd get together once he got back from his vacation and I haven't heard from him since!
 
Thank you so much! I have been seeing a therapist trying to work things out on my own. I am a 29-yr-old young professional, cute, hard working, and go on many dates, but I just haven't felt any desire or attraction with any of the guys I've met and miss this person VERY MUCH. I'm so stressed I am getting zits on my face, which is rare. I can literally say that I am almost at a depression, because life just gets boring when you can't be with someone you truly like.
 
I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for everything and I hope I can learn some words of wisdom from you.

Dear Reader: 

I'm so glad you liked the article, and I hope you'll follow the advice.  Three e-mails in one night without a response?  That's not a tennis match approach at all.  That kind of neediness will surely drive someone away.  I don't think this man is interested in you, or he would be contacting you.  Please let him go.  You need to go find a partner who can actually care about you.  If you're interested in more articles, "Letting Go Takes Love"  will help you let go of this uncaring man, and "Where is Love?"   will show you how to get more friends and a new man who really cares about you. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  has the information and exercises you need to change your relationships and attract someone good for you.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Why Encourage Older Women to Date Younger Men?

Dear Dr. Romance :

After reading:  "Older Women, Younger Men Relationships" I feel compelled to write to you to express my disagreement.  Age difference is more than an "adolescent worry", unless the older partner is still an adolescent.  To say that life experience and emotional growth equalize is to say that life experience and emotional growth stop at twenty.
 
We have watched so called grown men embarrass themselves with this ridiculous practice for far too long.  Why should we now encourage women to do the same.
 
Dear Reader:
I appreciate your point of view.  I understand that it can be galling to see a large difference in ages in a couple, and especially for those who have been dumped in favor of a younger partner.  But, people have the right to their own choices, whether they're good choices or bad.  My concern is that the relationships be mutually desired, respectful and functional.  For more on successful dating, read my article "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences explains how couples can work with their differences to create healthy relationships despite social disapproval.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: This roller coaster of emotions has changed me.

Dear Dr. Romance:
My husband has always suffered from abandonment issues.  His mother & maternal grandmother were abusive and non-nurturing. They dangled the carrot of money as his reward but criticized him for everything about himself and cited the reason he helped them and loved them was for the money.  By the way, it was not a large sum. They told him he was stupid and worthless.  His father died when he was about 10. 

Fast forward, he acts like a pendulum. He has always been possessive of me. He is suspicious of his sister and generally all people.  He waffles between saying outrageous things and then gushing love.  The behavior has escalated over two years; he is 40 now.  He accuses me of continual affairs, he thinks I am involved with his best friend, he thinks I visit department stores because I have a secret desire for a black man. He wakes in the morning, very angry.  He accuses me of leaving during the night to have an affair. A day without the outrageous accusations is a day of rest.  (We are Caucasian and he dislikes black men).

I don't think I can take it anymore.  He needs constant compliments about his appearance.  He says he doesn't get the affection he needs from me and I am at fault for everything that is wrong in our relationship. He is a person that must be recognized for his accomplishments at work and complimented or he is unhappy.  He interprets things that co-workers or others say as criticisms. He usually doesn't last in a job long because of his misconceptions about the people in authority.

On the other hand, he is the person that people respond to because of his winning upbeat personality. He attracts many friends.  He is very outgoing. He has an over the top kind of outgoing personality. Some people find it off-putting.

I am also afraid of familial traits.  His maternal grandfather committed suicide and a fraternal uncle committed suicide.  His father drank and had affairs.

He is completely unreasonable with me! He verbally attacks me. In public he kisses me and tells me he loves me. He expresses love for our children in public and compliments them. I started dating him when I was seventeen and we married when I was 23. He says he can't share me with anyone. This roller coaster of emotions has changed me.  I have become guarded and withdrawn.

I am always aware of my behavior because of the fight it will generate when we are alone.  I am wary of him becoming worse as he ages and the effects on our two children. (daughter age 12, son age 9).  By the way, I have never had an affair and am a person who could be very content in our marriage if he could stop the craziness.  I could end this marriage now and move to a small apartment with my children for a calm and reasonable life. By the way, he is open to therapy because he thinks a therapist can tell me how to give him what he needs.   Is there hope?

Dear Reader:

It probably wouldn't help to go to therapy with him, because he'll only show his socially correct and pleasant side, and the therapist will not be able to get through to him.  He is severely damaged by his childhood, and that is only correctable if he sees it's a problem and chooses to get help. Going to therapy together because he thinks you need it isn't going to be effective. It would be helpful if you went by yourself to a counselor familiar with domestic violence and told the truth.

You are in a dangerous situation.  You have described a classic abuser, a violent and dangerous man.  You need to get away from him.  There is no hope if he doesn't get help for his uncontrolled rages, and he probably won't.  If you think you can protect yourself and your children you would be wise to end the marriage and move to a small apartment.  However I have doubts that he will leave you alone, and men like him typically escalate the violence when faced with loss of their families.  I suggest you take your children and go to a woman's shelter.  Call the Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for advice and help.  Please -- you are leaving yourself and your children in danger.  "Family Violence Q & A"  and "Emotional Abuse: What it is and What to do" will give you more information about how to protect yourself and your children. "Avoiding The Drama Triangle" and "What Is A Dysfunctional Relationship?" will help you see how the dysfunction in your relationship works.    No Cooperation? Solve it Yourself! will give you some strategies to use to help you solve the problem.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand his problems from childhood; as well as your reasons for accepting the bad treatment you're receiving.  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance asks: Are the Post-Holiday Blues getting you down?

Everyone is relieved when the holidays are over, and sometimes disappointed. If you're worn out, it's worth your while to take the time to recharge a little, and pamper yourself. 

Dr. Romance gives  4 Tips for handling Post-holiday blues

* If you are disappointed, and the holidays let you down in some way, process that first. Write in your journal, talk to an understanding friend or family member, and sort through your feelings. Understand what you were disappointed about, and what you're going to do to avoid that scenario in the future. (If Uncle Harry got drunk and ruined holiday dinner, consider not having booze) If the problem was a big one (your boyfriend left you, someone died, you got some terrible news over the holidays) then consider getting the help of a good therapist or support group: don't deal with tragic news alone.

* If you're just tired from all the celebration, cooking and preparation, consider pampering yourself. If you have the budget for it, take a spa day, or a night in a hotel. If the budget is shot, then get together with girlfriends and give each other manicures or makeovers. Set aside an evening with your hubby or boyfriend for massage, a DVD and popcorn, or just hanging out together, without all the company. Take a nap, a bubble bath, or a day off to do nothing. Picnic in the living room with your kids and pets.

* It's a new year: consider refreshing yourself with something different. Try a different hair color, new makeup, a new workout routine, or take some (inexpensive) dance lessons or pottery or art classes at your local Department of Parks and Recreation, Community College Adult School, or your church or Jewish Community Center.

* Have some simple fun. You just spent two months doing complicated things: working out family holidays, buying gifts, cooking, shopping and entertaining. Do something very easy that's fun for you. Take a bike ride along the beach or the river, read a new novel, watch your favorite comedy movie, hang out with your best friend for coffee, e-mail a funny YouTube video to your friends.

Above all, don't worry about feeling somewhat detached and disconnected; it will pass.  It will pass more quickly if you follow the previous steps.

Excerpted from: The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm married and I still can't forget about my first love

Dear Dr. Romance:

I don't even know where to start: I just did the most stupid thing alive!! I sent the man I can't forget a text message; and he did not reply. I don't think he wants to speak to me. He knows I'm married.

I was 20 years old when I fell in love with him. I was since puberty very shy about myself because I did not develop like any other teenager breast and up to this day have never got my periods. At the age of 22 I found out I could never get any children and that I was born intersexual. When I fell in love with this guy I feared men although I so much wanted to be loved. All my friends had boyfriends and I was always the odd one out. When my cousin hooked me up with him I was so scared of rejection when he feels that I barely have any breasts, but at that point I was already in love with him. You know I totally messed up my chances with him.

My feelings was overwhelming for him, when he was in my company I was so dumbstruck by his presence I could not even utter a word. My fear entirely took over and made me the most stuck up person alive in front of him. I'm funny. Loved by many; had so many friends. But when he entered the room I turned into this person I despised.

He was the first guy I ever kissed (at the age of 20) he was the first guy I allowed to touch me and he was the first guy I gave my heart to. But he was also the guy that could not commit to me. Up to this day I still don't know if he ever loved me or was really interested. After 4 years of trying my best to be near him I realized that I need to move on from all this pain.
 
10 years later I still think of him daily. I'm in my 30s, married 3 years and I still can't stop thinking about him. Am I obsessed about this man or is it true love? He was always so nice to me. He treated me with respect and never used me in any way. There was just something between me and him. I remember him as a very confident person and would make a lot of jokes when he was with a bunch of friends. But with me he was so different. Now I could see that he was actually very shy and little for words when I was around. To the outside world I was a very confident person and very successful in my work. I had my own car and at that stage he was unemployed. I never told him about my sexual issues and to him I was normal with no issues.

There was so much that happened. I could write a book. But one thing is for sure: I can't forget about him. My husband is very sweet and don't deserve this. But we are so different. I don't want to hurt him; but how can I stay with him when I constantly think of somebody else. He wont communicate with me while I am married. And if he ever felt anything for me is still an unanswered question.

My inter sexuality did not even affect me thus much. The saddest part of this whole ordeal is the fact he will never know the extend of my affection for him. How much pain I  experienced and that up to this day I still have feelings for him.

Dear Reader:

It sounds as if you have never let go of your first love, because loving him filled a fantasy and made you feel better about yourself.  You need to accept who you are, accept that your husband loves you, and let your first love go.  Continuing to stay focused in the past would be a disaster.  Create a little ceremony, where you destroy something, a picture, a letter or some little memento that symbolizes this first love.  Do your grieving, say goodbye, and put that in your past. Then focus on creating something good with your husband.  You can still have a nice life.  "Letting Go Takes Love" will help you through this, and "Getting Out of Your Own Way" will help you with self-esteem. Then focus on loving yourself.  "You Are a Gift" and "Your Bestest Friend - You" will help you recognize and develop your relationship to yourself.

It Ends with You: Grow up and out of Dysfunction helps you to resolve childhood pain and trauma, and reclaim your sense of self, so you can focus on rebuilding your life and your marriage.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Am I Insane?

Dear Dr Romance,

I seek some understanding & hope that you will be able to help. I think that I don't know what love is & it has me in constant turmoil. I married when I was 23 yrs old & have 2 beautiful children. Regrettably, the marriage ended in divorce.  I am American & I was used for a green card. I was not aware of such things in life.  The cruelty that exist amongst men. Not only was I used in such a way, he was also a cheater & a drunk. Yes, I know...I did not do my homework. But, believe it or not.  I would not have known what to look for. I was very naïve in believing everything that was told to me.

Later in life, I met Edward, who I started to have a life with.  By then, my children were 6 & 9.  Please note, that I divorced shortly after my children were just 1 & 3. So, imagine my excitement to have found what I thought was a good man.  I became pregnant rather quickly, so now I have 3 children.  I had stopped working when I was pregnant & began to take notice of things.  Not only did I take notice of things but our relationship started to deteriorate.  I prayed & played the good wife in an attempt to save my relationship.  After all, I was going to have another child.  I did not want to be alone with 3 children.  I did not want to break the stability that I had found.  But, things did get out of control & turned out really bad.  To the extent where my children would hide in their rooms, when he came home from work.  My older children are very bright, smart & normal in every sense of the word.  It broke my heart to see that our relationship was hurting my children.  I spoke to him about going to a marriage counselor, but he refused.  I didn't feel loved anymore.  I didn't feel that he cared.  He didn't care. 

He was too consumed with smoking pot to realize anything.  Therefore, I made a decision. Found a job & left him.

At the job a special co-worker started to pursue me...and eventually I fell for him.  I fell deeply in LOVE.  He's an older man.  10 yrs my senior.  Wow, if I had known how much better it was to be with an older man.

He was so loving & charming.  He taught me plenty.  He loved my children & my children loved him.  He's a divorced man with 3 children of his own.  He knew how to talk to us & how to treat us.  He was gentle & kind.  Very romantic too.  I had never met a man like this.  I felt like a Queen.  He didn't have money, so that started to become a problem for me, since I was always paying for all of us.  It kinda reminded me of my 1st husband.  Was I paying to be treated so lovingly in return?  I started to get nervous & have my doubts.  This man had even proposed, in front of my family with a beautiful ring...in which I had accepted.  Even though...I wasn't too sure. 

I was scared.  In the meantime, my Ex-boyfriend Edward went crazy & wanted us back.  He cried so much & apologized with such profoundness.  He had stopped with the drugs & was so very sorry.  He said he didn't know what he had.  He didn't appreciate the family that he had.  He had always been alone & it had been difficult for him to adjust to me, the kids & a new baby.  My youngest son, his son who was 2yrs old...would cry forever & ever it seemed.  He wanted his father.  They were both hurting & I started to hurt.  I had not experienced  such a thing with my older children.  I was in pain.  Torn between 2 people.  My new love was becoming very jealous & concerned.  I guess, he had every right to be.  but, his jealousy & controlling ways just pushed me farther away. Made me more suspicious of him.

In summary.  I left my new love & started down the road towards recovery with my ex.  The father of my youngest child.  After a year had passed...not yet living together...we decided that it was time to be as one again.  I was exhausted.  Being alone with the 3 children was so much work & I felt at peace with him.  I was happy.  I wanted to be with him.  He indeed did change & he proved it, time & time again.  We bought a house & we're soon to be married.  I wanted a ceremony in which my children...will see their mom getting married at last.  Our house is beautiful.  The children are happy.  We are happy.  We live in a beautiful town & everything seemed perfect.  I say seemed because...I'm still at the same company where I had found that new love & he still works here too.

I've tried so hard to ignore him.  He leaves me messages, notes, voice mails & mails...telling me that I've made a mistake.  That he loves me so & is suffering.  That Edward is not that  man for me.  That HE is.  He is my soulmate.  The only man that truly understands me.  I've threated to go to the owner of the company & complain.  He'll stop for a little while & start all over again.

Tells me how beautiful I am.  How incredibly sexy he finds me.  How he wishes to kiss me.  He's even went as far as to tell me that he will be my lover...if he cannot have me any other way.  

I can't stop thinking about him.  He's in my thoughts, in my dreams.  I miss him so.  but, how can this be?  I was so sure of what I had decided to do.  I've even gone to therapy to help me sort things out & things were sorted out; so I thought.  Is my mind playing games?  I cannot leave this job I need the income.  I need exactly what I make or more.  I already travel 1-1/2 hours to work. There is nothing for me where I live. I suffer silently although HE knows how I truly feel. We somehow made a bond that's been difficult to break.  I feel connected to him.  Deeply connected.

Please tell me what you think of this whole story.  Am I insane?

Dear Reader:

You are definitely not insane; you're just not thinking clearly.  From your letter, it appears that you've been going from relationship to relationship without a clear idea of what you want, or what love and partnership are.  You have always tried to figure out your partner -- not your self.

You are still focused on what the men in your life want.  I know it's flattering to have two men interested in you, but how about getting interested in yourself?  

You have only one question to answer.  What do you want?  Translate that question to  mean: What will work best for you, give you the best result?  Stop looking at love like a little Cinderella waiting for her prince to come along; and start looking at it through the eyes of a grown-up mom with three kids.  When you have considered it from your own point of view, including taking care of your own children, you will know who you want to be with.

Once you know who you want to be with, then it's only a matter of telling the truth to both men.  Be as clear as you can, and then cut off communication with the man you don't choose, so he can move on with his life, and you and your partner can move on with your relationship. "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" will help you understand what is acceptable in a relationship and what is not.   "How to Handle a Bad Breakup" will help you let go of anyone you end it with.   "Your Primary Relationship" will help you find what you're looking for inside.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of  Dysfunction has all the information and exercises you need to sort out your relationship with yourself, which will give you the basis for all other relationships.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I caught him at the movies with her

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been married for 15 years. At the present time we are seeing a Marriage counselor for our really rocky marriage. I know its going to take some time. We are working on trust, understanding, caring, appreciation, and a few others, all the essentials of a marriage. But a new problem surfaced. I am having a really hard time with the fact that my husband has been hanging out with a female coworker and I caught him at the movies with her. She is also married, and I think they they became emotionally attached. Is there such thing as an emotional affair? How do I bring this up to the counselor. Does it sound like the marriage and counseling is working for us?

Since my husband did deny being at the movies, but he couldn't get out of this one since I caught him there. He confessed the rest. But he swears nothing sexual happened, at this point it is hard to take anything he says at face value. Should I confront the other woman? I mean in a civil way of course. Maybe she may be aware of it through my husband, but would she back off if I told her where she stands? My husband is willing to drop her as a friend. He promised me, but I've read enough stories on this, and I'm scared to loose this battle we have been fighting for 5 years now with his alcohol addiction. He says the only reason he accepted her as friend is because both of them were going through problems in their marriage. But I don't believe that either. How can two people of the opposite sex and married become close friends? I think this women has different intentions. And is my husband lying to me? Please help me out.

Turning to his family for emotional support is not an option, they stopped talking to me 4 months ago, since he went into detox for his alcoholism plus he was telling them that he was very unhappy in our marriage. His sister and mom only call him at work or on his cell phone, the one his dad got for him. They constantly want to know what is going on in our lives now. I asked him not to confide in them about our problems. But he blabbers all our problems to them and keeps them up to date. My family is supportive and my parents don't get involved. If I want them to know anything, I tell them, sure they ask how I'm doing but never ask how is everything between my husband and I. Its up to me not to let them know everything. Only when I'm feeling really depressed and down on the dumps.

Dear Reader:

It's difficult for me to tell, when I don't know you or your husband, how serious this problem is, or if it's a problem at all.  You say your marriage has been really rocky, and that is the type of situation that tempts someone to stray.  His going to the movies with this other woman is not so bad in itself, but lying to you about it is a very bad sign.  I would definitely tell the counselor what you found out.  How did you catch him? If you were suspicious, and trying to catch him, that says something about what your intuition is telling you.  Listen to it. 

Addiction usually involves a lot of lying, so if your husband is addicted, he may be very practiced at it, and he may also be lying to himself.  Hopefully, your counselor is familiar with the problems of addiction, and has encouraged your husband to attend Alcoholics Anonymous.  You would greatly benefit from attending Al-Anon,  for spouses of Alcoholics.  You'll learn a lot about all these issues, and what to do about them.  I'm not sure how your husband could really break off his friendship with this woman, if she is a co-worker.  In addition to marriage counseling, I think you could use the support and guidance of therapy for yourself. Ask your counselor for an individual appointment, or a referral.   It seems that you have set yourself against his family, which is not a good idea.  You need them to support your marriage, not help it disintegrate.   "Mirrors and Teachers"  and "Family Relationships" will help you interact better with his family members.

The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance, and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs has the exercises and information you and your husband need to deal with the fallout effects of addiction and recovery.

    

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Happy New Year from Dr. Romance!

 Dr. Romance on creating a Happy New Year

Most of us are infused with good will and joy over the holidays, getting together with loved ones and friends, spreading kindness, and being surrounded by reminders of holiday spirit.  The holidays happen around this time of year for a reason: it's the time when the old year ends, and the new one begins. We have yet another chance to start again.  Here are some ways to keep that happiness going.

Spreading kindness is the best way I know to be happy.  If you want to spread kindness around, here are some ideas:

 *Kindness begins on the inside – learn to be as kind in talking to yourself as you are to others – then, keep improving.  Self-talk sets the bar for the happiness in your life.

 *Letters, e-mails, notes and cards expressing kind words to your friends, kids or spouse and family, even when you live together or nearby.  Getting uplifting messages will inspire anyone’s day.

 *When you know someone who is ill, bereaved, down or needs help; get together with other friends and work together to get them what they need: whether it’s a meal, some company, or errands run.

 *So many of us are lost about how to help a friend in times of grief; but all that’s really needed is a little kindness and a listening ear.  Grief needs a witness, and you can listen sympathetically.

 * Don’t forget to express your gratitude, beginning with the simple "Magic Words" -- please and thank you.  Manners are social lubricant -- they hold society together, and they show respect to others.  There's respect for self (treating oneself as you would a good friend),  respect for family and friends, respect for differences, like other cultures, races, religions.  There are certainly rewards for kindness.  It lubricates social connections, and lays a foundation for love, friendship, business success and social recognition in your own life. 

* One of the kindest things you can do for yourself is to keep a positive outlook and see the silver lining.  Often we feel unlucky because we aren't noticing the luck we have.  Even if something bad has happened, such as the loss of someone dear, the fact that you had such a person in your life was lucky, or having something to lose, in the first place, is lucky. By all means, express grief for your loss, but also remember the gift that you had whatever time with that person before the loss. 

* Every gift is an expression of love, and every giver should be thanked graciously, no matter what the gift is.  Whether you’re giving or receiving, what counts is the thought, not the value.

May you give and receive kindness as much as possible – it will make you happy.

From it Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Anticipating the New Year

Dr. Romance wishes you a Happy New Year!

Every New Year feels like a new beginning. The sun, at its furthest point at Winter Solstice, has begun its annual swing closer to Earth, you change your calendar, and we all feel the renewal of the fresh, new year. With this sense of renewal, all of us are energized, and it’s natural to feel that it’s a great time to begin new traditions, and change old habits. Add that to the feeling that we indulged too much while celebrating over the holidays, and we have the perfect setup to make new year’s resolutions.

New Year's resolutions are about beginning fresh, and correcting past problems, so the impetus to do them as the year begins anew makes sense. However, it's a lot easier said than done. If the resolution is made with real motivation behind it, it will likely succeed, no matter when it's begun. But, if you're just making resolutions because everyone else is, or you believe you should do it, and you haven’t thought it through, you’re liable to find that you lack motivation and energy to follow through. If you make the resolution easy to accomplish, you'll have more successes to celebrate and you'll be able to appreciate your accomplishment.

Instead of following that same old cycle, and setting yourself up for disappointment one more time, you can follow my simple plan for replacing disappointment with anticipation. Setting yourself up for anticipation instead of defeat, makes your new year a lot easier.

Try replacing the old resolution habit with a new a habit of daily anticipation with the following method:

Daily Anticipation: Either in the evening or the morning, take fifteen to twenty minutes to sit down with your calendar and think about the day to come. Consider your to-do list, your appointments (whatever kind of appointments you have: with a business associate, a customer, your dentist, to take your child to soccer or ballet, or lunch with a friend) and whatever you personally would like to accomplish (for example: gardening, cooking dinner, making a speech, getting a new client, writing your novel, working out, winning at a sport, meditating or praying, creating art or music, or visiting a friend). If your list is more than you can possibly get done in one day, sort through it now, instead of waiting until the end of the day to find you didn’t accomplish the most important things. Prioritize what you have to do, and whatever you’re not going to get to today, put on your to-do list for tomorrow or next week.

Look at your calendar and schedule as realistically as you can. For example, if you are taking your daughter to ballet class, or your son to football practice, consider that it might be important to allow enough time for the two of you to talk. If the client you have to see is long-winded or habitually late, take that into consideration. If you are extra tired, consider not packing your day as full as usual.

On the other hand, if your calendar is not full enough, if you have a tendency to go to work and then come home with no idea of what you’ll do for the evening, then give some thought to scheduling some of that unused time: For example, volunteering to help somewhere; inviting a friend to dinner, participating in a sport, joining the church choir, or taking a class. You can even decide to get intentional about relaxing, rather than letting the TV or the computer absorb time meaninglessly.

In this way you can take charge of your day, and make sure that, within the limits of your real situation, you do the things that are most important to you. The few minutes you take at the beginning of your day to organize it can save you hours later. If you focus on planning each day, you will make steady progress toward attaining your future goals, and creating a truly Happy New Year!

I wish you a new year filled with every good thing.
adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction)

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Staying Young

Dr. Romance is aware that there is a heavy emphasis on youth in today's culture.  Companies and individuals want to sell you potions, clothing, makeup, diets, exercise and attitudes and other magic to help you stay young.  But, scientific research shows that these things rarely make a significant difference.  Of course, living a healthy lifestyle will help you maintain your optimum health, and feel your best   But, the real secret to staying young is completely within your own control, and takes very little money.  Here are Dr. Romance's secrets:

How to stay young….

1. Gratitude: Acknowledging all that you have and are will change your outlook immediately. Instead of complaining about birthdays, wrinkles or aches, give thanks that you’re healthier than so many others, and appreciate what you have.

2. Learning: Learn something new. Whatever you’ve always wanted to know or be, you still can. Learn a language, or to play music, or to dance, or to sail a boat. It will literally keep your brain younger

3. New experiences: Meet some new people, go to a new place, try something different. It will refresh your outlook, and remind you of what you have to offer others.

4. Do something for someone else. Volunteer, babysit, help a neighbor, give away something you don’t need any more. The ability to give reminds us that we have so much, and makes us happy.

5. Pamper yourself: Most of us don't do enough pampering of ourselves, or take time to smell the roses.  It's the greatest stress reliever we have.  Take a day for yourself, have a massage, sit in a park and breathe in nature, have your favorite lunch. It’s like rebooting your computer – rejuvenating.

from The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: He says he can't give me what I want

Dear Dr. Romance:

I hope that you will be able to help me with a problem that I find I now have. I meet a man on line and he and I are great together everything was going great then a ex girlfriend had him put in jail saying that he was stalking her when he was really just going to his brothers home who lives 5 houses down. When he got out everything changed he told me all about it and what was going on as did his sister in law who doesn’t like him but she did say that he wasn’t stalking her, any ways things have just went from 10 emails and cards and calls by phone 7 times a day to nothing he says he cant give me what I want and now he doesn't call me his  phone is broke now and he emails me things like "phone broke looking for new one have good day" I have to email him he doesn't do any thing any more. I love him and I want it to work but I don't know what to do. we live in different states. he talked about me living there us getting a house together and he said he loved me and now NOTHING! help my heart is breaking. He did tell me that he pushes people away when upset or stressed so what should I do I don't want to lose him!!!.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry to say, I think you got attached to a con artist.  Most of what he says sounds like lies to me.  Believe this man when he says he can't give you what you want. Please move on, and find a real man: one who does not tell you what you want to hear. "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" will help you recognize problematic men in the future.  You deserve a man who tells you the truth, and is caring and concerned.  So many people you meet online are not who they say they are. "Keys to a Happy Relationship" and "Romance is Not Necessarily Love" will help you change your views of relationships.  Where is Love"  will help you figure out how to find a real relationship. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand and let go of dysfunctional relationships. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: He has PTSD and I'm going crazy

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been married for about four years now and my husband and I got married at 18. We have 3 kids all under the age of four and it gets stressful sometimes for both of us.  He is in the army, he's been a soldier for almost 3 years now he was deployed overseas last year and ever since he came back he came back a different person.

I sometimes don't know who he is anymore. I try to do everything that he asks for but yet nothing makes him happy. We don't argue a lot but when we do they are really bad arguments. To be honest the only reason why we don't argue as much is because I choose to ignore the things he does to me.  My husband can hurt my feelings and not apologize unless I ask for an apology. He has never and I mean never in four years that we have been married ever made me feel better or ever done anything to make up for his mistake. I always let it go.   Since he came back from the war zone he has sleeping problems like he kicks his leg every six or ten seconds I have stayed up countless nights taking notes and counting he wakes up just about every night like at 2 or 3 in the morning and he will eat but he can't control it.  

He sleep walks and when i tell him babe go back to bed you're not hungry he gets upset and I can understand having a little snack but he eats 3 bowls of cereal a peanut butter and jelly sandwich cookies ding dongs then in the morning when he wakes up he feels unhappy with himself.  He calls himself fat and ugly disgusting, but he's not fat he doesn't have a belly.  He also tells me that he's getting old he's only 22.   He asks what has his life come to, getting up in the morning and going to work every day the same over and over again.  He hates what he does and he sometimes hates coming home. He wonders what is he doing with me, if he loves me still, if he even loved me to begin with, and it hurts me because I care about him. He tells me that he's not attracted to me in any way and it crushes me.  

We stopped having sex now he only lasts 3 minutes and its only once a week if I'm lucky and he never gets in the mood any more and its never when I want to its always when he does.  Most of the time I just lay there and it doesn't feel nice.   I feel useless.  When ever he is happy he tells me how much he loves me and how he can't live without me. He says when he's mad he talks a lot of BS that he doesn't mean.  Its like a roller coaster one day he's fine and happy and another day he's miserable and unhappy and it drives me nuts.  

Do I believe what he tells me when he's mad or when he's happy but regardless it hurts me and it puts me down,  When we argue he can't stick to the subject instead of admitting his fault he will try to justify it by bringing something form the past or saying something that would hurt me instead of "OK I understand what I did I'm sorry it wont happen again" 

I wont see him for a week now because he's out in the field doing training but he left mad not wanting to talk to me the last words he said to me were "I want a divorce I hate you I don't love  you anymore."

Please I need some type of advice and reassurance to keep me here. From your experience does it sound like he loves me? I'm only 21. I have 3 kids but I'm still young I don't want to get used to a routine that makes me so unhappy.  I have accepted that I have responsibilities and that life can't be all games and fun. I'm willing to give up a couple years until my kids are old enough. I'm willing to sacrifice myself for my kids and my husband.  I think I'm a very good mom and good wife I cook and clean, my house is hardly ever a mess. I believe that children aren't an excuse to have your house dirty or to forget about your self.   Please just help
me out here please.

Dear Reader:

This is a familiar problem.  Your husband is showing signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is quite common in veterans of combat.  It's dangerous for him, for you and for your children.  You need to contact a counselor who is expert in this issue.  Is there a Veteran's hospital nearby?  Are you on or near a base? Seek counseling there.  At https://www.veteranscrisisline.net   you'll find a hotline where you can be connected to resources.

Please call and get yourself and your husband the help you both need. 

This will only get worse until you do.   The Real 13th Step will help you understand PTSD and give you tools to help.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I caught tremendous flak from co-workers

Dear Dr. Romance:

Excellent advice and a most excellent article I just read about older women dating younger men and age differences. I'm a 50 year old single male and have been  single for 15 years with no children and have dated younger women on several occasions but did not seek them out but I caught tremendous flak from female co-workers because of the age  difference thing, so I printed out your article and showed it to them.   If I ever date a younger lady again, I will show them this article, so again thanks.

Dear Reader:

Keep in mind that your co-workers wouldn't criticize you if they didn't know.  You must be talking about the age difference at work, and it might be wiser not to bring it up.  Be careful in how you share your personal life at work in general.  The gossip mill can be very hurtful.

"Mirrors and Teachers" will help you handle difficult and critical people.   "Response-ability"  will show you how to respond to them.  

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences  will help you make your relationships work, no matter how different your ages and attitudes are.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Friends With Benefits

Dr. Romance writes:

If you’re thinking about having sex with a friend, be very careful, because it is not easy to preserve a friendship once you have sex. We think we can control our feelings, but it's not so simple. 

*If one of you becomes romantically attached as a result of the sex, the friendship will probably not survive. 

*If you've done it before, and you know you can keep your feelings in check, you might be successful, but what about your friend? Are you sure he or she is aware of his or her own feelings and motives?

 *Think about it in advance and talk about it a lot

 *Are you going to keep dating others while you're doing this FWB thing?

 *What if one of you falls in love with someone else?

 * What if you just want out of the deal after a while?

 *What if only one of you falls in love, instead of remaining friends?

 Keep talking throughout the FWB arrangement It sounds a lot more fun and easier than it really is.

The benefit is being able to have sex with someone you know, rather than a stranger. The disadvantages are: It could be the end of the friendship.  One person could fall in love, while the other doesn't want to pursue more of a relationship. It may keep you from finding a real relationship, because you're too comfortable to look.

For many men, FWB is what they want: sex without responsibility. They also tend to take it for granted, and still be attracted to other women.

Most males have fantasies about having all the women they want. Women, on the other hand, tend to become emotionally attached when they have sex.  (Men actually do, too, but they don't want to know they are. That's why they often don't realize they feel something for someone until that person is gone.) Women's fantasies are about a monogamous relationship.

If you start to develop feelings, pay attention! Don't ignore it. Let your partner know, and watch the reaction. If you don't get a positive response, cut off the sex. That's the way to see if the other person is also emotionally attached or not.  Don't languish in a friends-with-benefits relationship when you want more. If your FWB suddenly meets someone else and marries, you'll be devastated.

If you want to cut off the sex, you need to explain why you're doing it. "I'm developing deeper feelings for you, and since you don't seem to return them, I have to stop having sex with you. I'd like to still be friends."  Or, "I can't even be your friend for a while, because I'm grieving."

Maintaining this type of relationship is not easy for anyone. It only seems easy at the beginning. My counseling practice is full of people who had their hearts broken this way.  Older people tend to be a little wiser and more cautious about it than younger people, but all ages get hurt.

Don't just let things develop on their own. Definitely talk about it beforehand, or as soon as possible. You need to establish that the friendship is important to both of you, and you don't want to ruin it. You also need to talk about feelings, to open that subject for future discussion.

* If you want to turn a friendship into a full-on relationship, and you’re serious about it, then you need to talk about that, too. Your friendship will be altered forever when you have sex for the first time. You have things to lose here, and things to gain. 

*Make some agreements, discuss the above questions, and keep talking about it.

Back to being friends                      

Friendships that go from friends to lovers back to friends can be very close, because you know each other so well. The first thing you need  to do is talk about it.  Make a deal that you won't do anything that would jeopardize your friendship, and stick to it. (That means, acting as a friend, and not acting jealous if your friend has a date.)                  

The more emotionally mature you are, the easier it is to re-establish the friendship. Openness increases intimacy. So friends who can talk about everything feel closer than friends who can't. 

However, friendships have more limits on sharing than lover relationships do. If you’ve found someone new, you have to consider your sexual partner, too, who might not like his or her privacy invaded.  

It is possible to re-develop a friendship after the romantic line has been crossed, but it's not always easy. If both of you are in agreement that you were better as friends, re-developing the friendship is easier than if one of you still wants the romance.

Surprisingly enough, many people do become friends again after they've divorced or split up. Here are some guidelines for doing that successfully.

So, your ex has been hanging around, helping you out with things around the house, eating dinner with you and the kids, or just calling you up to talk about good times in the past. Old, friendly feelings seem to be coming back.  Can you really revert to being friends? Here’s how to see if you and your ex can make it work.

* Go very slowly. It takes time to get re-organized as friends. Talk about your friendship and tell the truth. If it’s going to work, it go better if you go more slowly, and you’ll have a chance to build a better foundation than before.

* Treat it like a new friendship. Start from the beginning, and do it differently – you have to figure out the difference between being lovers and being friends.

* Be conscious about being friends — talk about what you miss about your friendship — if you cannot talk honestly about what changed and what to do differently, you won’t succeed.

* Make sure your friend wants the friendship as much as you do. If there are unresolved old feelings, you need to talk about them.

 * If you run into difficulty, seek therapy to repair the friendship and resolve the lover relationship.

From Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: He wants it to be over

Dear Dr. Romance:

I found your site by accident and I hope you can help me.
 
I have been divorced for one year and have been seeing a co-worker for most of that time. I have known him for five years and have been in a "relationship" with him for one of those. He is my best friend. When things started out they were great, and within 3 months, he began to not kiss me when we had sex. I really didn't think much of it, but then one night I asked him why and he said it was too personal and that he didn't have the same feelings for me as I did for him, (I had professed my love for him). We split up for one week and were back together having a friends with benefits relationship for the last 9 months.

I know what your thinking FWB is stupid and NEVER works. I know that. But I thought if I just hung on long enough, he would get that feeling back. If I ignore him, he pursues me, if I pursue him, he backs away. He has had 2 major breakups, (one a marriage where she was unfaithful), and the other he wanted to marry her and she left him, up and cold one day. It took him 3 years to get over that, and I was the one that helped him through it.  

The man is my soulmate and we both know that. We have discussed it. We have kept this relationship pretty much a secret because of our jobs (although it is not against company policy).  People who do know say that he is just scared and will never make that commitment again. people who don't know us, but have been around us, have told me: "Do you know that he cares about you? You can see how he watches you and looks at you." And he does.

He wants it to be over and for us to be just friends. I want him for a lifetime mate. I can not get over him and don't want to risk walking away and him saying that I really never cared for him. If he truly doesn't want anything but friendship, why is he always still so sweet to me and looks at me, emails me, calls me, etc.? 

I can't get over a man who I see everyday and treats me like a queen. I wish you could see him the way he treats me and watches me. Can a person be so afraid of getting hurt that they would sabotage their own happiness, not to mention mine? i love him with all my heart and soul. I can't quit my job, and I can't ignore him at work, we have to co-mingle in our job. Help me, I am at the end of my rope. Please Please help me. Just this once!!!

Dear Reader:

I think you've scared the heck out of this guy.  You need to learn pacing: not getting too far ahead of the man you're dating.  Telling him you love him, and he's your soul mate was a big mistake. He was already wounded and it made him afraid of your neediness.

He could be commitment phobic, which means he may never make a commitment; or he could just be scared, and you're making it way too easy for him.  The smartest thing you can do is cut off the "benefits".  You can see my views in "Friends With Benefits."  If you want a real relationship with this guy, you'll need to handle it very differently.  Give yourself and him a chance to find out how much he cares for you.  You do that by backing off, and giving him the space to be in the lead.  Few men like to be led around by the nose (or any other part.)  Instead of taking the lead, back way and give him the chance to let you know what he wants. 

You've set a bad precedent here, so it may take him a while to realize he can't just sit back and wait for you to meet his needs.  You have to let him know it's a two-way street, so wait (no matter how tough it is) for him to make a move.  Once you've got him moving toward you, play it cool.  Use the "tennis match" approach, and only make a move toward him after he's made one toward you.

This will be a test to see how much he really cares; or whether he's just using you.   "Setting Boundaries and Saying No" and "The Tennis Match: How to Balance the Power in Your Relationship" will give you more information about how to do this. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has excellent information on how to talk to a partner who has different views about your relationship, 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Does Viagra give him Insomnia?

Dear Dr. Romance:
 I am 39 & my boyfriend is 51.  He takes Viagra & Cialis (on an as needed basis). We have a terrific relationship.  We seem to have no problem lying there & falling asleep for a short time after making love.  I have a really comfortable bed, which he acknowledges. But as soon as we try to go to sleep for the night, he is awake…all night.  I am a light sleeper, so if he is a wake I am awake.  At first, we thought it might be the medication, but on the nights he leaves, he sleeps fine at his house.  So, we eliminated that.  We thought that it would get better over time (and still hope for that).  This has been going on for two months now.  At this point, we have tried everything we know of.  Both of us are very frustrated &  he wants to be able to stay with me and sleep through the night.  Why can't he sleep when he is at my house?  What will help?  Will it get better? 
 
Dear Reader:
 
I'm sorry you and your partner are having difficulty.  There are a lot of side effects associated with Viagra and Cialis, and they differ from person to person, so sleeplessness could be one of them. Maybe he needs to get up and walk around for a while after sex, to work off the effects.  He'd automatically do that, going home.  He should try that.  Or, it just takes longer for him to get used to sleeping with someone than it did for you.  Do you ever stay at his house, and can he sleep in his own bed with you in it? 
 
It's also possible that he's just happier sleeping alone, waking up in his own bed, and he doesn't want to tell you. 
 

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship  has guidelines for talking openly about sex, which might help the two of you communicate about this.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: He pushed me to tears

Dear Dr. Romance:
 Thank you for the Fair Fight Guidelines. I found a lot of wisdom and thoughtfulness in  them.  I hope my husband will agree. That said, I don't know what you mean by "rage is phony; it's drama created by not taking care of yourself." If a person is belittled or treated poorly or ignored consistently, even after that person tries to remain calm and factual and collaborative, the frustration may escalate into rage. A therapist we saw briefly suggested that my husband didn't really hear/believe me until he pushed me to tears. So do you mean that if you find yourself in a reactive rage, that  somehow you have not taken care of yourself? Perhaps that is true.

If you have time to clarify the thought behind that sentiment, it  would  be so helpful

Dear Reader:

In the article, I'm talking about rage, not anger.  Rage is overblown anger, like a temper tantrum, and it's not a real response to a real situation.  Instead, it's a manipulation, trying to get a particular response (either 'give me what I want' or 'leave me alone') I think your husband would learn to believe you without tears, if you were  strong, consistent and direct enough in your response.  Your tears were an  expression of helplessness, which got his attention, but you'd get more  effective attention if you stood up for yourself.

"Anger: Cleansing Squall or Hurricane?" "Emotional Hygiene" and "Emotions as Weather" will help you understand healthy expressions of emotions, and "Asking for What you Want" will show you how to ask powerfully without drama. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction can clear up confusion about how healthy relationships work.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com