Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: She doesn't believe that I'm trying to find a job.

Dear Dr. Romance:

My wife she wil get angry very easily. Even for simple things she gets very angry. She always tells me to leave her and she wants to live her family especially with her mother. She tells me she doesn't want to live and mostly she hurts her self. The biggest problem is my job. I earn very small salary and I'm trying to get a good job but she doesn't believe that I'm trying to find a job

Dear Reader:

It sounds like your wife may have some reasons to be angry. If she's saying she wants to leave, things are very bad. If it's so important to her that you get a good job, have you asked her to help you? If you work together to figure out how you can get better work, she'll know you're really doing something about it. Just telling her you're trying to get a job may not be believable.

She may be getting angry because she's frustrated with your money problems.   "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" and "From Struggling to Solving" have a lot of information you and your wife can use to learn how to work together.  How to Be Happy Partners; Working it out Together will give you many tools you can use to stop fighting and start solving problems.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance On how to keep your marriage safe from infidelity

Infidelity can be devastating to a marriage. While couples can recover, it is far better to never have cheating in the first place. Here's how to "cheat-proof" your marriage, and head off problems before they begin.

Dr. Romance on how to keep your marriage safe from infidelity

Husbands need your interest. Husbands often disconnect from their wives when they don't feel the wives are interested in them any more. Because men often have a difficult time with intimacy, someone at work who is sympathetic and doesn't make demands can be very appealing. To reconnect, be sure you are listening to him, understanding his needs and wants.

Wives disconnect because they unloved or taken for granted.   The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed. If you really want to restore the marriage, begin not by complaining about your needs that aren't being met, but by focusing on his needs. Once he feels wanted again, you can begin to work out the issues.

Either spouse will be tempted to cheat if the marriage is disconnected, or has sunk into friendship, which is affection without sex.  To mend the relationship, both spouses need to be willing to make it work, to talk openly about what went wrong, to take responsibility for what they did or didn't do to make the marriage work. It's an emotional maturity issue.

Married couples also need support for their marriage – other couples who can help them through rough times.

Closeness Breeds Intimacy

It's easy to feel romantic when you live separately and date each other, because every moment spent together is special. From the moment you begin to live together, such romantic moments are no longer automatic. Instead, much of your time together is spent on more mundane things: doing laundry, washing dishes, paying bills, or going to work. Although this can be new, exciting and fun at first, as soon as the initial newness of living together wears off, such everyday things cease to feel exciting and romantic, and you may find yourself feeling worried that your partner no longer cares as much or is as excited to be with you.

Partnership is the Key

The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed. If you really want to restore the marriage, begin not by complaining, but by seeking to understand your partner. Once the connection is there, you can begin to work out the issues. (Adapted from  How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together)

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I recently discovered numerous women he text messages

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have just read your article "Keys to a Happy Relationship" and would be greatful for some advice. I havn't been with my partner long. We are both in our twenties and we met a few months ago and already live together because it's the only way we could see each other. I moved away from my friends/family to live with him and the first two months were great, apart from me struggling to find work, and money worries. Things started to change after two months when I was bored, unemployed, and he made me feel he wasn't over his ex of 5 years, he has photos on his laptop of them together.

I recently discovered numerous women he text messages, messages on facebook, dating sites, porn making me feel insecure and paranoid so soon in our relationship.  Although he hasn't arranged to meet the women, it still hurts and he thinks it's not how it looks, I feel betrayed. Him being unhappy with his weight is the reason he uses for him talking to other women as if 'hey gorgeous' makes him feel better and I don't it seems.

I have packed my things 4 times and he won't let me go, and makes me feel I overeact and he promises he will never cheat. I feel that I never wanted to threaten to leave, argue, check phones, worry what he is up to all the time, things have gone bad so quickly and he seems to enjoy messaging female friends, he never earned trust before he broke it and he now wants a last chance, and broke down saying I was the one and he never thought he would be happy again. I do believe he is sorry I just didnt want any woman getting in the way at all never mind this soon, when I message the girls I know it should be him I question, I just want the truth from them not his lies.

Recent row involved me packing, him unpacking, and I hid his phone to check what he is up to he then took my phone to message a male friend of mine pretending to be me being flirty then admitting it wasnt me and threatened him and asked him to stop texting me. Although he was worried what I would find on his phone, he makes me out to be guilty and judges me at his own/his ex standards. He has been cheated on in the past, I haven't, he says he wouldn't risk losing me, and he hadn't moved me here to hurt me. I am so confused and only reason I haven't left is I have a new job here finally and feel I wasted the past few months job hunting, stressed, then start work, find out what he been up to. I know one side to story sounds different but I am really struggling with what to do now... any suggestions?

Dear Reader:

I'm afraid I believe he's playing you. He got you isolated from everyone you're close to, and now he thinks he has power over you, he can do what he wants and talk you out of what you know to be true. Get out and get your own place as soon as you can. Don't ask him -- do it behind his back, because he's the type who may turn violent if he thinks he's losing control. Either go back home, or get a place of your own where you are.

When you're safe in your own place, you will have your power back, and you can find out if he can be made to behave. Take a long time to decide whether you can go back to him, and make sure he doesn't control you any more.  "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" and "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship"  which will help you understand the problems in your relationship. Don't make excuses for him. You are in a dangerous situation, and you need to protect yourself. Get yourself in a safer situation as soon as possible.  

When you're ready, Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will have the information you need to find a healthier, happier relationship.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: no one I meet online wants a serious relationship

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have not had a relationship in 8 years because of a bad relationship. I needed time to heal. My favorite discussion board has closed, and I miss my friends! Emailing is nice but I miss the discussions and topics of the day.  I have gone back to school and I'm much older than the other students, so I'm looking for a partner online.  I make friends easily because of my friendly nature.  But the problem is, no one I meet online wants a serious relationship -- they just want to be friends.   If I was to meet some one on the net I would not be going back home to Atlanta but to where ever this person lied. 

Dr. Romance responds:

I'm sorry you lost your online group, but it may be a blessing in disguise. If your healing is not over by now, do yourself a favor and get some therapy. I really think counseling would help you.  There should be some available at school.  Take advantage of it, even though you're older than a lot of students.   Don't let yourself wallow in this any longer.  I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you're busy keeping yourself miserable. You're resisting meeting friends where you can, and  complaining about people "just wanting to be your friend". People you meet online can't be anything but friends, realistically, until you've met them and gotten to know them.  

I think you need friends in real life, both men and women.  And you can do that at school after classes or by joining campus groups.   I'm glad you "make friends easily", but do you keep them for a long time?  There's a big difference between friends who have been around for years and  someone you just met, which I would call an acquaintance.  If making friends is so easy, why aren't you doing it?

Don't make the mistake of thinking you can meet someone online and just move to where they live. You'd have to spend time getting to know a new person F2F first, and you can't just go to where they live to do that.  Meet new friends where you are now.  See my articles "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" and "Where is Love" for more help. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you figure out how to date in person, how to build a social network, and how to find the partner you want.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: What do I need to do to become a therapist?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a 25 year old M.A. student from the Middle East. This year is my final year to have my M.A. degree as a Family specialist to become a family counselor. I saw many things you wrote online as a family and couple therapists and i Loved them all! I was wondering if you could direct me and hear what you have to suggest that I should do after my Masters. Which courses or degrees are best for me to take more to have a wide experience as a family specialist .. And I am considering a PhD. program, which program you would suggest the most? What is your PhD. was about? Thank you for your time I would really appreciate it if you could give me answers

Dear Reader:

Congratulations on almost completing your Masters. I know how much work that takes. I have no information about licensing in the Middle East. When I got my Masters, I was required to have 3,000 hours of counseling under supervision, and then I sat for a California licensing exam, which I passed in 1978. That gave me a license to work as a Marriage, Family Therapist, or psychotherapist. I began a private practice, which I'm still doing today. In 1987, I went back and got a PhD. 

If you want to work as a therapist in your own country, and they have licensing, I suggest you go to the licensing board there to find out their requirements and accepted schools. The best thing you can do is begin doing therapy -- as in intern, if that is what your country requires. You'll learn far more on the job than in school.

Find a therapist that you admire and want to learn from, and see if you can work in that practice, under the supervision of that therapist. Get started as soon as possible (if you haven't already) The only way to learn therapy is via a practicum, where therapy begins with the students practicing on each other, and then observing group therapy, then doing group therapy and then individual therapy. What you learn in class is helpful, but therapy is an art you can only learn by practicing.   Find a professional clinician's course taught independently by a therapist you respect. "Ten Things People Don’t Know about Therapy" and "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will give you some insight. 

Here are the guidelines I use when teaching students:

1. Make sure you are effective with clients. Clients who get better are very motivating. It’s more important to help clients heal old trauma then to adhere to a theoretical base. 

2.Work from your heart – trust yourself and your intuition. If you guess wrong, just accept it and go on. In the end, you have to do therapy your own way. Theories and studies are helpful, but not if they hamper your own style.

3. Identify your preferences, do your best to maximize what you like and minimize what you don’t like. If you don’t like paperwork, get computer programs or secretarial help. If you don’t like working with depression, either don’t see those clients, or get more training so you’ll know how to handle it. If you like working with women, children, couples, etc. focus on that in your practice building.

4. Have a support team of colleagues with whom you can share your therapy experiences as peers.

5. Learn to set solid boundaries. Learn how to say no to intrusive clients, how to keep them in appropriate parts of your life, and not let them take over your free time.

6. Limit your hours to what works for you. Design your own style of working, and make sure your place of work is comfortable to you.

7. Trust that you will get the right clients for your style. Be clear what your own style is, and don’t worry if it doesn’t work for some clients – refer them to someone else. Different clients need different therapy styles.

8.Learn from therapists you respect and admire, with whom you feel comfortable. If you don’t respect a theory or practice style, don’t use it. If you can modify a theory or practice style to suit you, do it.

9. Do your own work. It’s impossible to be effective as a therapist if you haven’t been in the client’s chair. You need to delve deeply into your own subconscious, so that you’ll understand your weaknesses and your strengths, and won’t be blindsided by “dark side” issues when they are triggered.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  presents my process for helping people in recovery heal the associated problems.

 Good luck with your career.  

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance: Creating a Blended Family When You Have a New Partner

Once you have gone through the wrenching experience of loss or divorce, it's not easy to pick up the pieces and find a new love. If you have children, they have been through a lot of upset, also.  So when you do find a new love and want to create a blended family in a new way, these steps will help:

Dr. Romance's 4 tips to smoother step-parenting

1. Give your blended family a chance to bond. Don’t worry if everyone doesn’t settle in right away; bonding takes time.  Hopefully, you all got to know each other before you moved in together, but the transition to living comfortably together can take time.

2.   Have family meetings weekly.  Give everyone (kids, too) a chance to share how they feel, what they like and don’t like, and ask them to share both positive and negative opinions.  Invite suggestions about how to make things better.  Shared times, such as mealtimes, are important -- but each person needs a break, too.  Don’t allow the schedule to be too busy -- plan some time off.

3.    Get on the same parenting page.  Mom and Dad need to work out parenting methods, rewards, punishments, chores, allowances, bedtimes, homework, etc.  Each of your single-parent families is unique, and everyone has to adjust to change. Transition is much easier if the parents are in agreement.  If something happens you haven’t discussed, just defer to one parent, and work it out later.  If you allow the kids to create discord between you, they’ll jump on it right away, and make your lives miserable. 

4.     If you have shared custody with one or more outside parents, resolve any conflicts with them right away –ex-spouse struggles can become disasters. You’ll all be connected for life.  Help the children transition from one household to another by “debriefing” when they come home.  “How was your visit?”  Then talk about the system at your house.

 "Dating Guidelines for Single Parents"  will give you more information about how to set yourself and your family up for success.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today demystifies the whole process from dating to creating a new, blended family.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: What Causes One To Constantly Sabotage Oneself?

Dear Dr. Romance:

What causes one to constantly sabotage oneself? Why would someone constantly put up their own roadblocks?

Dear Reader:

Being out of touch with one's own wants and needs is a primary way to self-sabotage. Getting in your own way is all about how you relate your yourself. In addition to not managing your time effectively, there are many ways you can stop yourself from getting the most out of life—not enjoying what you have or have accomplished; not being able to get motivated, or finish what you begin; and having a negative focus, which leads to discouragement, anxiety, despair and even depression.  "Getting Out of Your Way"  and "Detox Your Life" which will help you change many inner roadblocks.  It Ends With You, Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  contains exercises and information to help anyone clear up the unresolved issues that are behind self-sabotage.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Should a Mother Push Her Daughter to Contact Her Estranged Father?

Dear Dr. Romance:

If the child has not had a real relationship with her father for many years and does not see him more than 2 times per year, should a mother keep pushing a relationship with the father and child? Will it do more harm than good?

Dear Reader:  

There is no way I can tell from this much information whether the father/daughter contact is helpful or harmful. I assume the daughter does not want contact, if she needs to be pushed. It's important to know why she isn't interested.

You also need to consider legal reasons, such as a court ordered custody agreement, that contact with the father is mandated. If, as you say, it's been many years, your daughter should be old enough to discuss the issue with her father. If there is some reason contact with him would harm her, that is a matter to bring to the court.

"How to Heal a Rift with an Adult Child" will give you some insight into the relationship between your ex and your child.

Dr. Romance’s Guidelines for Co-Parenting after divorce: 

Commonly, everyone feels wounded after a divorce. The divorced parents are going through feelings of failure, rejection, abandonment and loss. The children have similar feelings. All these hurt feelings lead to competitiveness, drama and recriminations. Divorced parents, in sharing custody, can retaliate against each other by making visitation difficult, bad-mouthing the other parent (or the new partner or step-parent) to the children, withholding child support and trying to get the children to deliver inappropriate messages to the other spouse, like "mommy says you didn't dress us right"  

Divorced parents can avoid these scenarios by using the following guidelines:

*Don't React, Respond: When the other parent does something upsetting, take time to cool down before responding, and respond with a possible solution.

* Talk About It to safe people: Talk to other couples, to a therapist, to friends and to family to create more understanding and brainstorm about options. If you can find other couples who have resolved divorce differences, find out what they decided. Let off steam to safe people, so your children don't experience your anger and frustration.

* Explain Your Ex's Point of View: When talking about it to each other, or to someone else who is supportive, explain each other's point of view, which will help you understand.

* Focus on Your Children: Keep your focus on what would be best for your children, and if they are old enough to understand, bring them into the discussion. Don't try to persuade them to either side, but present the options as objectively as you can, and find out what your children think about it.

* Experiment: Be willing to try some experiments. Try it the way the other parent wants it, to see if it works. Try letting the children decide how they want it to be, within reason.

* Avoid Right/wrong Discussions: Arguing about who is right or wrong will not solve anything. Instead, work on understanding what is important to each of you, then finding a way to incorporate that and resolve your differences. Focus on the problem only long enough to understand what it is, then switch the focus of your discussion to what will work, and what will solve the problem that both of you can live with your mutual decision.  

* While the kids are small, still do some family activities with all of you together.  

* Introduce new partners slowly and very cautiously, hopefully time will pass before you do this. Don’t spring a new partner on your spouse or your children. Don’t say “This is your new Stepmother (Stepfather).” That will set you up for disaster.

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman can Make After Forty will show you how to reorganize your life as your daughter matures.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Although I had to let go, I still care a lot.

Dear Dr. Romance

Your articles are very helpful to me. Can you tell me what book of yours can help me heal from my last relatioship. The pain is still there and although I am sure I had to let go, I still care a lot. 

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you're hurting. I know how difficult it can be, even when you were the one who had to let go. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today begins with a chapter about healing from the previous relationship. "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" will help you let go of your grief. Don't worry, you can heal this, and these hints might help: 

Dr. Romance on Recovering from a Breakup:

1. When you break up from a significant relationship, you'll go through the classic stages of grief: 

Denial: maybe he'll call again, maybe she didn't really mean it… Or, staying way too long, because you don't want to face that the relationship isn't working.

Anger: If your ex breaks it off, you're going to be upset. Even if you're the one who broke it off, you'll be angry at the loss of your dreams. Sometimes, this anger is what it takes to leave the relationship.

Bargaining: For a dating breakup, I'd call this the rebound stage: I'll show him/her. I'll go find someone else right away. Men usually do this faster than women, but any relationship entered into in this stage usually has problems. In some cases, this is a stage of idealizing the ex.

Depression: Isolating, staying home, not trying anything new. This ends when the real tears start, because the tears are a sign of acceptance.

Acceptance/Rebuilding: This is the stage of new energy, where you decide to do something different, from a new hair cut to building a whole new life. People often do well in therapy here -- figuring out what went wrong, and how not to repeat mistakes, and then find a new love.

2. Gender differences: Men deny their feelings, and go right out on the hunt again. It feels good for a while, but they wind up with bigger problems in the new relationship, because they weren't ready, and they got into it for the wrong reasons. To really feel better, they have to face their own responsibility in past relationships that didn't work, make changes, and begin having relationships on a brand-new basis. Women honor their feelings, sometimes even wallowing in them. However, when they emerge, they're usually stronger and more self-aware. If you get stuck in the wallowing phase, that's a good time to get therapy to reassess how you view yourself and what you want.

3. Getting over the heartache: Don't get too dramatic. It's not anguish, it's grief. You lost something you wanted, it feels bad. It's not cancer or paralysis or death. Learn to grieve and accept the loss, and then build on what you learn to make future relationships more functional and realistic. If you accept the need to learn, and the responsibility for whatever you messed up (including choosing the wrong type of person) you'll have something much better next time.

4. Break off contact with your ex You need time to grieve and reflect, and you can't do that by stalking your ex's Facebook page. Understand that texting and calling work against you, make you look really bad and unattractive, and hurt your self-esteem. If you can't stop, you're codependent and should attend Co-Dependents Anonymous or get therapy. Put reminders away: Pack up all souvenirs, gifts, pictures, and other reminders of the relationship, seal the box (so it's not easy to open) and put them away somewhere until you get past the worst of the loss. Then you can take it out and decide what you want to keep.

5: Fill your time: Reading is very absorbing -- it uses more of your brain than watching TV or listening to music, so it's a good way to take your mind off someone for a short period. However, avoiding the grief is not healthy. Journaling or writing or talking to friends (one reason CoDA works) will help you process the loss: what happened, what you could have done better, what you need to learn about relationships. Take a trip if you can-- or spend some time in another place. See if you can visit your sibling or old friend in another town. It takes you away from reminders. Do some project you've always wanted to do -- climb that hill, learn to snowboard or study Chinese, take up that hobby, write the Great American Novel. Do something useful and productive that will keep your "monkey mind" busy. Volunteer somewhere or join a new social group or sports activity. Working together with other people will feel good, and not be too risky too soon. Besides, it's the best place to (eventually) meet your perfect mate

6. What to avoid:

Do Not: Escape into alcohol, get violent or depressed, attempt suicide, badmouth your ex to everyone you know, sleep for days, hide out and isolate completely (a little alone time is good for reflection -- isolation is a sign of depression.)

How long it takes to get over a breakup really depends more on how attached you were than how long you were together. It also depends on your personal emotional health. If you're resilient, with healthy self-esteem, you'll bounce back quicker. So much drama is out there now about the "excruciating pain" of a breakup, that it takes many people much longer than it should. For a relatively short relationship, figure a couple of months to bounce back. For one lasting a couple of years or longer, it can take six months to a year. For a 30 year marriage, like mine, it takes between two and three years to feel somewhat better.

When I counsel someone through breakup recovery:

First, I encourage them to talk about it, until the initial upset and hysteria calm down.

Second, we analyze what happened, what was good about the relationship, what went wrong, and what my client's responsibility was for the breakdown of love.

Third, we work through past relationships and childhood and look for similarities (abandonment issues, fear of commitment, conflict avoidance, codependency) and then heal those issues, correct the belief systems, and re-define love and relationships to a more functional definition.

Fourth, we create a plan of action for my client to follow.

Fifth, I support the client in carrying out the plan.

Sixth, I congratulate them on the new, healthy relationship they've found and I often get invited to the wedding.

Adapted from: Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance: "How to Deal with a Partner's Annoying Quirks"

Many guys, especially younger ones, are well known for having 'courting behavior' and then relaxing into their old, slobby selves once you're committed. It's not that men are from Mars, women from Venus - it's more like all of us have grown up on different planets. Couples can get caught up in arguing about who's right, rather than focusing on what will work. 

All of us have little traits that annoy our partners, and what is easy and fun for one may be intolerable and abhorrent to the other.  These personal "quirks" can produce major struggles unless you discuss them and work together to minimize the annoyance factors.  When you got together you found each other's traits refreshing and endearing; but they can become irritating when you're living  with them on a 24/7 basis.

Quirks such as:

*a laugh or throat-clearing that grates on your nerves,
*differences in messiness or neatness,
*irritating jokes or stories,
*incompatible work schedules,
*different ideas about TV programs or music, housekeeping,
*your partner's nail-biting or smoking, 
*differences about what and when to eat or feed the dog, 
*different politeness levels with family and friends, or
*struggles over how warm or what color the room should be

when endured for months and years, can feel like sufficient reason to break up, divorce, oor even commit mayhem.

Many men were not taught anything about housecleaning or picking up after themselves. Sloppiness is most commonly a learned behavior. Either his parents were also sloppy, or constantly cleaned up after him, so he never learned: 1. how to do it; or 2. to notice or be bothered by a mess. 

Small irritations may seem silly, but they  can create enough resentment over time to become serious problems. Arguing about who's right and who's wrong doesn't work. The key is to tell your partner what bothers you, and negotiate about it.  Don't insult, hurt or demean your partner by what you say, but communicate pleasantly. "Dear, when we're watching TV together, and you suddenly channel surf, it startles me.  Could you check with me before you do it?"  Or, "Honey, I'm not comfortable with our division of labor.  Can we talk about it and work out a different system?"  You're not accusing, you're just working out the logistics of a problem.  

If you have different tastes, it may require a lot of creativity and negotiation or outside help to decorate and maintain a joint home that's comfortable.

You can make deals with each other. "If you'll dress up for my business meeting, or clean up your mess, then I'll....." Just try to remember this is the person you love; not your enemy. If your partner is really treating you like the enemy, maybe it's time to let go and find a more reasonable person.

Dr. Romance on How to Deal with Annoying Quirks 

1. Sometimes, your partner's quirks are small enough to be easily dismissed by deciding the "whole package" more than makes up for the little annoying quirks.  If you can do this without resentment, these quirks will cease to be a problem, although you may occasionally need to remind yourself of the benefits of the relationship.
2. Perhaps your partner will voluntarily modify his or her behavior to make you happy. Ask directly for what you want (see "Asking for What You Want") and see what happens.
3. You can minimize the impact of your partner's quirks on yourself by finding things to do when he or she is gone, asking clearly for what you want, or distancing yourself from irritating habits.
4. If the above three steps don't work, and you feel irritated and resentful about a problem, find a way to discuss the problem objectively, without blame or defensiveness, to create solutions that satisfy both of you. 

Women need to know how to ask men for what they want directly, and in a rational, not emotional manner. Men respond much better to “Honey, will you take out the garbage?” than to a whiny “The garbage can is overflowing, and it smells bad.” or "I have to do everything around here.”  The indirect request is a female style of communication that works well with other women, but doesn't work well on men, because our thought processes are different. Men might do better asking as gently as possible, so women don't feel ordered about.

How NOT to get what you want: (Common mistakes)     

• Exaggerate your want: The fear that you may not get what you want may cause you to say you want more than you really do, (“I want you here all the time”). This is confusing to both you and your partner, and because your wants are exaggerated, makes it look much more difficult to reach a satisfactory solution than it really is.     

• Overstate your need: The fear that you won't get your wants met may cause you to state what you want as if your survival depended on it (“I'll just DIE if you don't come with me”). This causes your partner to feel suspicious that he or she is being manipulated, and resist cooperating with you.     

• Argue for or justify your want: Anxiety that your wants are not important enough to be satisfied may lead you to present them as a persuasive argument, with an overwhelming flood of reasons why you should want them or that the wants should be satisfied, (“I should get more of the money than you do, because .......”). This can provoke your partner to object and argue in return, rather than listen.     

• Don't say what you want: Belief that you won't get what you want anyway, or that differences in wants will cause a fight, may lead you to say you “don't care” or “it's not important” or just be silent, when the truth is you'll resent not getting what you want.     

• Understate your want: Fear that your partner will be upset, hurt or unhappy if you say what you really want may lead you to ask for something else (“Let’s ask your sister to go with us” when you really want an evening all alone together.) This confuses your partner, and makes it impossible to get what you really want because you haven't said what it is. 

from How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: why are men in their mid 40s-50s attracted to 20ish girls?

Dear Dr. Romance:  

I was wondering if in any of your books or articles you discuss about why men in their mid 40s-50s might be attracted to 20ish girls. I kind of know the obvious reasons, but being more curious about what that might mean maturity wise etc.  

Dear Reader:

From your question, I don't know if you're asking about someone you know, and want to understand what's going on, or you're just generally curious. Here's some general information about age differences in relationships:

Whether or not a relationship is healthy is not determined by age differences, but by the interaction between the partners. A ten-year difference is not too difficult to bridge, but differences of twenty years or more in age can lead to some difficulties as the partners get older. For example, the younger partner may mature and reconsider his or her choices, or an older partner may confront aging problems much sooner.

As long as both parties are adult, and the couple have talked about the age difference and the future possibilities, I don't make judgments about their ages. There are healthy and unhealthy reasons to date someone of a different generation.  

One motivation for dating a younger person that usually isn't successful would be fear of aging on the older person's part. Obviously, a man or woman who dates someone as young as his or her children is going to run into some social opposition, but the differences that can cause the most problems are differing maturity levels. It depends on what the motivations of both people are.

Some older people feel younger at heart than their contemporaries, and like to date people who are as active as we are. Chronological age doesn't always reflect either physical capability or emotional maturity. Sometimes an age difference is a mentoring relationship -- the older person advises the younger one on life or career. This can backfire when the younger person decides he or she has learned enough, and wants to move on.

Most women base their romantic relationships on emotional connection, rather than external appearance. Men are more visually focused. A woman who connects with a much younger man may be powerful in career, and looking for someone to play with. It's difficult to tell without knowing the couple.

For what makes any relationship work, regardless of ages, "Couples Can Cooperate for Success"  and "Keys to a Happy Relationship" will give you tips you need to know.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you find the relationship for you.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: How can I move forward when I hit a setback?

Dear Dr. Romance:

When one hits a setback in life what are some healthy ways to keep moving forward? How can one build a healthy mental outlook when things go wrong?

Dear Reader:

The most important and uplifting thing you can do is look for what you can learn from the problem. Richard Bach wrote "There's no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands"  "Healing: Turning Poison into Medicine"  has steps you can follow to turn a negative experience into self-motivation.  

One of the most powerful tools you can use to change defeat into inspiration is self-talk. We all have a running dialog in our heads, which often is negative or self-defeating. The good news is that you can choose to replace this negative monologue with something more positive. The brain tends to repeat familiar things over and over, going again and again over established neuronal pathways. Repeating a mantra, an affirmation or a choice over and over creates new pathways, which eventually become automatic. The new thoughts will run through your head like the old thoughts did, or like a popular song you've heard over and over.

If your self talk feels negative, you may be creating a self-fulfilling identity, which saps your ability to choose your responses. One thing you can do is to monitor your self-talk: what do you say to yourself about the upcoming day, about mistakes, about your luck? If these messages are negative, changing them can indeed lift your spirits and your optimism.

Know yourself: if you love silence, tend to be quiet, like quiet conversations and not big parties, this may be a genetic trait -- your hearing, and nervous system may be more sensitive than others, and this trait will not go away. You can, however, make the most of it, and learn that creating plenty of quiet in your life will make you a happier, calmer person. If, on the other hand, you’re a party animal – social, enjoying noise and excitement, you can also use that as an asset.

Positive, happy people do have an easier time in life, and bounce back from problems faster. There are things you can do in every case to increase your level of optimism, even if you can't change who you are.

Your thoughts affect your mood, and how you relate to yourself can either lift or dampen your spirits. Neuronal activity in the brain activates hormones which are synonymous with feelings. Constant self-criticism results in a "what's the use" attitude, which leads to depression and a cranky attitude, which doesn’t work well in your marriage. Continuous free-floating thoughts of impending doom lead to anxiety attacks. Negative self-talk creates stress. What I do to help clients become aware of self-inflicted stress is first, to ask them to become aware of what they're saying to themselves -- if there is a constant stream of negativity, it will create stress -- just as being followed around by someone who's constantly carping on you would be stressful. Also, if they're fighting within themselves -- not able to come to a solid idea of what they want -- that will make it difficult to make decisions, and increase the stress. Dysfunctional relationship patterns also are stress-building. For example, if you are constantly guilt-tripped by someone else, or you and your spouse fight, or you are too worried about others' opinions of who you are and what you're doing, you'll be a lot more stressed than if you know how to get along with others, when to listen and when to trust yourself. Most of my clients don’t realize that they can be in charge of their own feelings, and no one else is responsible for making them feel better. 

"Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude" will help you understand how to accomplish this change.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction contains exercises and information to help you move forward.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: at funerals, how do you comfort families in morning?

Dear Dr. Romance:

What suggestions can you offer for guests at funerals in regards to comforting families in morning? Thanks!

Dear Reader:

Your presence at the memorial or funeral, honoring their loved one who passed, is the most comfort, so go if you can.

When you are greeting the family at the funeral, simply say "I'm so sorry for your loss" and then mention (very briefly) something positive you know about the person who passed (if you do) "Your mother was always very kind to me" Don't go on and on, they have a lot of people to talk to on that day.

It is more memorable write your remembrances of the deceased person in a sympathy note and send it. You can add a casserole or flowers if you wish.

Families who are grieving have the hardest time in the months following the funeral -- so that's the time to offer kindness, support and encouragement.  If you're close to someone in the family, invite them out to do simple things or over for a meal.  

Read "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" at  for more details and specific understanding of how grieving works.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction can help you handle your grief and learn how to better support your friends.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on: No Cooperation? Solve It Yourself!

Dr. Romance writes:

What do you do after you have tried everything and your partner, friend, child or colleague still won't negotiate?

In previous articles, like “Asking for What you Want,” “Couples Can Cooperate for Success” and “Gentle Persistence” we’ve explored a lot of communication skills and techniques. But what if your partner doesn't seem to care or acknowledge that you have a significant problem, or to be willing to help solve it?

Like many people, you may believe you have only two options if your counterpart won't agree to negotiate:

1) Either you can attempt to change the other person's attitude through force or coercion; that is, you can push, nag, badger, pressure, whine, complain, reason, yell, resist, pout or get violent. Or,

2) you can give up, you can walk out, sacrifice, submit, comply, withdraw, withhold or accept your partner's decision.

But there is a third option: You can choose to apply the steps of this guide to solve the problem by taking care of yourself. And when you have found a unilateral solution that solves the problem for you, you can re-approach your partner, stating your possible solution, and offering to renegotiate.

This technique I call solving the problem for yourself. If you are faced with a partner who won't or can't work with you, solving the problem for yourself bypasses all the struggle, hassle and arguing, and goes straight to the central issue: solving the problem. This is probably the most powerful encouragement for your partner to join in and agree to negotiate, because he or she "loses a vote" and does not get to be part of the solution unless he or she works with you.

Solving it yourself is not done in a spirit of "OK, you won't negotiate, so I'll show you," but in a spirit of "I understand that you don't want discuss this, so I'll have to solve it for myself, as best I can. When you are ready to cooperate and negotiate, I'll be available."

There are several benefits to this approach:

* It is liberating to assert yourself on your own behalf and to realize you don't have to have your partner's participation to be satisfied, yet you also don’t have to shut him or her out, or be unkind.
* You no longer have the problem you were concerned about.
* You can still have a good, loving, relationship, because you haven't shut your partner out (the option to negotiate is always open) and you aren't feeling frustrated, angry and deprived.
* It takes the pressure off your partner, and increases the likelihood that he or she will relax and be less defensive and more interested.
* It prevents you from being helpless and frustrated, so you are more able to welcome your partner's cooperation when he or she offers it.

The key to solving the problem for yourself is a belief that there is a satisfactory solution. Caring about your partner's wants and needs (as well as your own) is central to cooperation, but you cannot effectively meet your partner's needs without his or her help. When your partner refuses to help solve the problem, you have no choice but to focus on your own need until you get cooperation. As long as you offer every opportunity to cooperate and you extend an invitation to your partner to join you whenever he or she wishes, you are free to focus your attention on solving the problem for yourself.

If you try to please your partner at your own expense, there is no chance for both of you to be satisfied. Once you’ve tried to cooperate without getting support, the best solution is a course of action that puts you in control of your well-being and separates you from the effect of your partner’s resistance. The following steps ensure you can be sure you've given your partner ample opportunity to cooperate, and you're not overreacting.

Guidelines For Solving It Yourself

1. Be sure you've made a thorough attempt to negotiate. Don’t go to Solving it for Yourself until you’ve made an honest effort to engage your partner in negotiation – not just fighting. "From Struggling to Solving" will show you what honest negotiation is.
2. Tell your partner what you are doing. State clearly that you have attempted to negotiate the problem, that your assessment is that your partner doesn't want to work on it, that you would prefer to work on it together, but that you've decided what you are going to do about it on your own. You might want to say you’re sad to have to do this, and you’re protecting what's good about the relationship.
3. Invite your partner to negotiate at any time. Say that you are going to follow your own solution, but that you are open to discussing it at any time. This is your open invitation to negotiate, which keeps it from becoming become a power play.
4. Communicate your good will. Let your partner know that you value him or her and the partnership, and you don't like having to make unilateral decisions, but you feel you have no choice, because your partner won’t work on it with you.
5. Be sure your solution solves the problem for you, even if you think your partner may not like it. If the solution works for both of you, the problem is solved, and needs no further discussion. if your partner is not satisfied with your solution, he or she has already been invited to negotiate, and being left out is a powerful incentive.

To get a different perspective, imagine what you would do about the problem if your partner weren't part of it. What would you do if your best friend were involved? Considering a relationship problem from the vantage point of a single person often points out places where you're being needlessly dependent.

Hopefully, you will seldom need to solve a problem without your partner's cooperation, but knowing you can solve the problem for yourself and still leave the door open to your partner's participation means you can remain calm and gentle in the face of a partner's reluctance to cooperate. This will certainly be better for your relationship than feeling frustrated, angry and taken advantage of. These skills create an atmosphere of cooperation between people, and lead to negotiation that satisfies everyone involved. 

From How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I can't get my ex out of my head and heart

Dear Dr. Romance:

Several years ago I met this man. it was instant attraction for both of us. we fell instantly for each other but he had a girlfriend.  I gave him the space he needed and we both agreed to just be friends. we tried it once when they broke up but it was difficult.  So I got a boyfriend and stayed with him for a year and a half.  

We eventually broke up and I still couldnt forget about the other man.  He broke up with the girl again and we tried to have a relationship.  Everything was good until she came back into his life. He said he cared about me but was so confused as she had been a part of his life for seven years.

I gave him a year to get her out of his life; but I couldnt control my jealousy and started dating again. Its been a year and just like i predicted she's out of his life for good.

However, I have now been dating an amazing man for three months. althoughI havent been able to get my ex out of my life. We're like best friends and have so much fun together.  I feel so guilty because my boyfriend is so good to me and yet I can't get my ex out of my head and my heart. i dont know what to do.

Dear Reader:

You're trying to insure that you get the perfect man, and so you're sitting on the fence, not willing to commit. Love doesn't work that way -- you have to commit, and then work together to create a satisfying, lasting partnership.

I'm guessing the newer man is a better bet, because he hasn't cheated on you or anyone else, but only you know for sure. Stop daydreaming about "The One Who Got Away" Cut off contact with him, and commit to the relationship you have. You said he's "amazing" what more can you want? Read "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" to figure out how partnership works, and "You Be the Judge" and "Stupid Cupid" to find out which man is the good one. How to be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Ed  gives you what you need to build a successful relationship.

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: My wife has been unhappy with me for years.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I came across your article on "The Nail in the Fence: Healing Relationship Wounds". I am a thirty-something man living on the West Coast. My wife and I have been together for ten years, married for six.  We have three small children, and my wife has a pre-teen daughter from a previous relationship.  We've been seeing a marriage counselor because my wife has been unhappy with me for years. A few months ago, she told me she wanted a divorce. She claims that I pushed her away with my behavior (anger, mood swings, etc.) and has fallen out of love with me.

I begged her to stay. I promised her we would seek counseling and that I would change my ways. She has stuck around and has been telling me she is trying to find it within her heart to want to continue with our relationship.

A recent argument has put us back to what feels like square one. She told me she is leaving to live her life without me in it. I am desperate. I love my wife tremendously and I am willing to do anything and everything it will take to save our marriage.

Counseling at this point does not seem to be helping us. Lisa has said during counseling sessions that she doesn't understand how anyone can make her love me again. I can certainly change counselors and see what that will do but I feel like we are at a very critical point. I believe she truly wants to leave me for good but struggles within herself when it comes to hurting me.

I have been pouring my heart out to her constantly until she made me promise to stop and to just give her some time and space. I don't know who to turn to at this point. She has moved out of our bedroom and into the spare bedroom for the third time now. Our child for the second time has asked why mommy isn't sleeping in our bed anymore.

Lisa cannot forget all of the hurt I have caused her. I feel like we need strong intervention to help us heal the pain in our past so that we can start to rebuild our relationship.

Dear Reader:

From what you're telling me, I think couples counseling is not the right way to go. You need counseling for your "behavior (anger, mood swings, etc.) " As long as you have an anger problem, you won't be able to sustain a relationship, with your wife or anyone else. I recommend you get individual counseling immediately, and be serious about it. If you can't manage your own moods, emotions and reactions, your wife will never reconcile with you.

"Anger: Cleansing Squall or Hurricane?" "Fair Fight Guidelines" and "How Not to Fight" are all about how to stop angry outbursts and fighting.   "How to Be Irresistible to Your Mate"  has guidelines you can follow to  try and repair things with your wife, but, you can't just use that and then lose your temper again. You have to change permanently. 

Couples counselors differ in expertise. If your counselor hasn't insisted you get help for your anger and mood swings, then he or she is not the right counselor for you. Get individual counseling for yourself only, and find a counselor who will be very tough and interactive if you want rapid change. The counselor should give you homework. If you fix this quickly, you might have a chance to save your marriage. You may have waited too long, but at least you can fix the problem so it doesn't destroy the next relationship.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand yourself and the root causes of your anger.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: To this day I am not sure why he became so angry

Dear  Dr Romance:  

I hope you will be able to provide me with an insight. I was in a relationship with a man I genuinely loved and wanted future with. Our relationship was lovely to start with but after a few months problems started to emerge: another woman told me he was in a relationship with her and my trust was broken.

I wanted to believe him and forgive him but it was not easy especially as he did not want to discuss it with me. He told me they were friends (he never told me about her yet she knew details about me) and that she was hoping for more whilst he did not feel the same. She broke up with him (apparently) and although at first he did not want to talk abut it, at a later stage he used to tell me positive things about her e.g that she used to be very beautiful, that she used to work as a model and once he told me he was sad he lost her friendship.

Things went down the hill, our relationship started being very rocky, stormy he was often angry, possessive, controlling and had volatile moods. I ended the relationship, being civil, polite and not hurting his feelings but he was angry and offensive. I did not allow myself to be provoked.

Now, out of the blue after some time, he contacted me. I was polite, civil and exchanged few words with him but he keeps contacting me. It was difficult for me because he brought all the memories back for me - negative ones. I asked him outright why is he contacting me but now he seems to have disappeared again.

It makes me angry because he came back into my life again, thus bringing up the hurt from the past. I explained to him why I ended the relationship but all he said was that he is sorry for hurting me but it was not all not his fault. So, after all this time he still feels his violence, volatile moods, calling me names was all justified.  To this day I am not sure why he became so angry toward me ... unless it is because of another woman.  It is just confirming to me I made a right decision to break up with him.

Why was he trying to establish a contact, would you be able to explain please?

Dear Reader:

This man is a user, and he became angry originally because you didn't allow him to use you once you discovered what was going on. You should be very proud of yourself that you didn't stay with him. He will keep coming back, as long as he thinks there's even a slim chance he can get what he wants from you.

He hasn't changed, he doesn't think he's wrong, and he'll do the same thing over and over. He has what we call a Narcissistic personality. Block him from your phone, Facebook and e-mail. Narcissistic, abusive men have "Jekyll and Hyde" personalities, which means that they can be very charming when they want something.

Narcissism is arrested emotional development, at the emotional age of about two years old (which is the healthy narcissistic developmental stage). Parental permissiveness or disinterest allows a child to avoid growing past the 'terrible twos' to develop a sense of empathy, responsibility and socialization. Society's focus on youth worship also aids this lack of development, and all the social media, reality TV shows and focus on "it's all about me" completes the job.

A romantic relationship -- with the partner whom you hope and expect will provide you with love, joy and fulfillment of your dreams -- that turns into a miserable and disappointing failure is a very painful experience. I'm sorry you had to go through this.

I hope you will be suspicious if a future date seems "too good to be true" -- and observe him carefully to see if he has good character or not. Ask about previous relationships, friendships, and family. A man who is disconnected from other people is probably not emotionally available.

Know the signs of emotional blackmail:

1. A demand. Your guy won't take "no" for an answer, and requests are really demands.

2. Resistance. When every discussion turns into an argument.

3. Pressure. He pressures you to go along.

4. Threats. He uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to end the relationship, intense persuading, rage, badgering.

"How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship"  will help you know what to look for.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has the information you need to date wisely and successfully.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance Happiness Tip: Creating Connections: Draw Them In

Dr. Romance writes: 
Many years ago, an Edwin Markham poem inspired me, and I’ve tried to live by it:  

Outwitted

He drew a circle that shut me out —
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But Love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle that took him in!

As Markham says, we could see people who are distant or rejecting as upsetting, tempting us to call them bad names, but drawing them in with love works so much better. As I’ve said before in these posts, almost all of my genetic family are long gone, and I don’t have that connection to draw on to surround myself with love, but that hasn’t prevented me from drawing people in.

There are more kinds of love than birth families, romance and marriage. Relationships are a precious resource, especially if your genetic family is far away, or doesn’t get along particularly well. Not only does it take a “village” (community) to raise a child, but in our mobile and fast-paced society, a sense of community, family and connectedness helps us to function more effectively as adults in all phases of life. From ancient times, individuals, neighbors and friends who learned to take care of each other, to love each other, and to nurture relationships with each other were more likely to survive.

A sense of love and intimacy, connection and community is critical to well-being. For example, when you marry, you’re bringing strangers together to form a blended family, which can be a challenge. The most important thing is to give the various relationships time. Change is difficult for everyone, so understand that it will take a while for things to settle down. If you're consistent about caring, respect and communicating as much as possible, Most of your genetic and chosen family members will learn to get along.

Blended families and ethnic groups mean that everyone learns to honor different traditions, lifestyles and preferences. Blending and fusing goes on for years, as your relationship develops and your family grows. One family member may think being loving is exactly what others see as terribly intrusive. One friend may value sharing and intimacy, another may value respect and privacy.

Do’s and Don’ts for blending friends and family:

DO find opportunities for your chosen family and your genetic family to get to know each other. DON’T bring new guests to family traditions (like Holiday celebrations) without clearing it first.
DO invite your friends and family to meet on neutral ground (like a restaurant or your own house) DON’T pressure people to get along with each other. Let them find their own connection.
DO introduce friends and family with a little bit of positive info about each: “Mom, this is Susan: she loves to read, like we do” “Susan, this is Emily, my mother. She taught me my love of books”
DON’T participate in negative discussions behind someone’s back: say what you like about them instead. “Yes, I know Susie isn’t Jewish (Italian, Mexican, etc.), but she loves our traditions, and she’s a good person”
DO prepare your friends before introducing them to your family’s quirks. “Aunt Jennie can talk your ear off, but she’s got a kind heart.” “Uncle Bob is critical, but he’s the one who helped me get through college”
DON’T get your expectations too high. Allow time for everyone to get to know each other, and don’t pay too much attention to first reactions.

You can create various networks (families) of friends to bring that harmony into your life.
∙ Your chosen family – Warm friend provide a cushion and a shield in life’s difficult times — someone to talk to when you need support or advice, and to celebrate your triumphs with you. It’s a great blessing to be surrounded by a trusted and trustworthy group of friends who make your life’s journeys with you, and know exactly how far you’ve come.
∙ Your neighborhood family -- Friendly neighbors make your neighborhood, your apartment building or condo complex, your block safer. Their watchfulness will protect you against vandalism and other problems. Know your neighbors and they will call 911 for you, or watch your children, take package deliveries, or feed your pets.
∙ Your family of origin – Family is the network we turn to first in times of need, and to share the good times, too. If your family has drifted apart, try building a partial family network with those you like or who live close by, and soon other family members could be drawn closer.
∙ Your fun family. These people enjoy the things you like to do. Families who want to do parent/child activities, or fellow single people who share your weekends and holidays. Or couples who join you for fun times. Parents of similar-age children can share car-pooling, baby-sitting, information and support.

By creating family feelings in several areas of your life, you’ll have the joy of the give and take of friendship, anytime you want.

As time passes, and you look back on your life, you are likely to feel best about the good things you did for others and the positive contributions you have made to your friends and family. Perhaps life will present you with an opportunity to give back to friends. Being there in times of need, helping out in times of illness or bereavement, or just being a sympathetic listener when a friend is stressed can be more valuable to them than you imagine.

You’ll create blessings for yourself when you share your rituals, holidays, laughter and information. Welcome friends who are alone into your family’s good times. With these “chosen families” you can offer comfort in life’s difficult times, and be a willing participant in celebrating successes. Everything you give will come back to you multiplied. In the spirit of peace and love, I wish you the joy of connection. (adapted from The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty)

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: What type of dating safety precautions should one take?

Dear Dr. Romance:
How can one be sure that a person they met through a dating service is not disturbed in any way?
What type of safety precautions can one take?

Dear Reader:

Love has a much better chance to be realized if you make some of your choices mentally, as well as by emotional attachment and chemistry. Choose commitments both with the "parent" or judgmental, evaluating, critical thinking method; and the "child" or romantic, turned on, chemistry method. I call this choosing from the neck up, as well as from the neck down. You'll use better judgment if you think of matchmaking for yourself. You can think like a matchmaker (or a hard- to-please parent), when considering commitment. The Mirriam -Webster Online Dictionary defines judgment as "the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing." Take time out from your excitement and evaluate your match, using the components of judgement: think, observe, evaluate, ask, remember, experiment, speculate and empathize.  "You Be the Judge"

Dr. Romance’s guide to dating safely:

* Be skeptical, not gullible. When you're meeting dates online (it is not dating until it's face-to-face) you have no way of knowing who they are. Don't be afraid to ask for details, Google your date, ask to talk to friends and family members, let your date meet your friends. You need objective people to scope a new person out. Best of all, use a reputable site that screens candidates.

* Be realistic, not romantic. Don't develop a fantasy about anew date until you know the facts. It's a tough world out there.

* Focus on friendship. Concentrate on developing the friendship. Romance follows later, after you've done your research. *Don't tell a new acquaintance too much: Don't give away your address, home phone, work location until you know who you're dealing with . If you have children, protect them by being discreet.

* Pay attention to behavior, as well as words; seek to discover character, don't fall for just looks and charm.

*Don't assume you're dating exclusively if you haven't discussed it.

*Don't rush into sex: Going slowly into sex reduces the risk of STDs; avoids the awkwardness of intimacy with a total stranger; stops codependent obsession; and makes sex more special. There's no advantage in rushing -- when sex is right, it will happen. If a date leaves because you won't have sex right away, there was no possibility of a relationship anyway.

*Don't get too self-conscious. The media focus on youth and fitness can make you feel insecure and unattractive. When you meet, look your (appropriate) best, and then forget about it. Instead of worrying what your date thinks of you, focus on what you think of your date.

from Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: How Can I get over the nervousness of dating again?

Dear Dr. Romance:

How can one get over the nervousness of dating again when its been quite a few years since their last date?

Dear Reader:

If your last relationship lasted for a while, dating again can be a scary proposition. 

These guidelines can help:

Dr. Romance's Guidelines for Successful Dating

• Avoid Anxiety and Giddiness
Dating is exciting and energizing. Of course you should have fun and enjoy the moment, but if you get too excited, anxious and hyper, you might come on too strong. It’s important that your anxiety not mask the real you. Keep your thoughts on the reality that you don’t know what is going to happen to the relationship. Pay attention to what you are learning about your date, and allow the relationship to develop slowly over many dates like this.
• Use the Power of Charm
Remember how powerful your smile can be, and use your eye contact and ask questions to keep the conversation flowing. Think about what interests you about your date, and show interest in his or her opinions, experiences and activities. Be complementary whenever possible, and respond intelligently to whatever is said to you.
• Have Fun — Don’t Get Too Heavy
Keep your date light and easy, and have a good time. If you keep the focus of your attention on being pleasant, having fun, and not getting too far ahead of the relationship, you will be great company. 
• Make Conversation Interesting and Easy, With No Deep Secrets
You can talk about anything, including your personal lives, past relationships and love in general, but don’t be the one who brings up the intimate topics first. Be careful not to pry too deeply into your date’s private life and secrets, unless the information is voluntarily offered. You’ll learn a lot more about your date if you are genuinely interested in hearing what he or she has to say; than if you conduct an interrogation.
• Don’t Talk Too Much about Yourself
Keep your focus on learning about your date and don’t get into talking too much about yourself. Dole out some information about you, especially if it relates to what your date is saying, but don’t let yourself talk endlessly about your own life, opinions, experiences or activities. 
• Pay Attention!!! You Have Things to Learn Here!
The most important aspect of any date, in addition to having a good time, is to get to know each other better. No matter how excited, turned on or thrilled you may be about this date, listening to what your date says, watching what your date does and understanding how your date feels are still your primary objectives. Keep an objective viewpoint in the back of your mind and think about what your date is revealing to you.
• What Your Date Thinks of You Is Not Your Business — Focus on What You Think of Your Date.
One of the easiest ways to lose your objectivity and balance in this is to let yourself worry about what your date thinks about you. I call this “getting into your date’s head.” If you spend your time essentially trying to look at yourself through your date’s eyes, guessing what he or she is seeing when looking at you, or hearing when listening to you, you’ll miss what’s really happening. It’s a very self-involved thing to do, and it makes it impossible for you to relate intelligently to your date. What your date thinks of you is not really your business. You have a responsibility to pay attention so you know what YOU think of your date. 

Hopefully, in all these considerations, because you’ve thought about the serious issues in advance, you’ll still be able to relax and have a good time—so good, that you decide to keep dating each other. 

Keep in mind that you’re not looking for just sex or romance—if you want a long-term relationship, the character of the person that will determine whether your relationship will be a success, not his or her outward appearance. Here are some Dating Do's and Don'ts to help
you.

Dating Do’s and Don’ts 
DO'S
• Do ‘shop around’—don't stay focused on one person until you've given yourself a choice.
• Do listen. Don't monopolize the conversation. You'll learn even more about your date, and be more relaxed. 
*Do focus on friendship. When you’ve just met someone, you can't know where it might go, so concentrate on developing the friendship. You can have as many friends as you want.
• Do get feedback. Offer your comments on the event or the restaurant, and ask your date what he or she thought of it, for future reference.
• Do let your date know if you enjoyed his/her company. A compliment is always welcome. If you'd like to do it again, say so. 
• If you promise to call, mean it. If you've decided not to continue the relationship but feel you can't say so, don't make empty promises.
• Do tell the truth—don't lie, but also don't share too much too soon. You don't need to tell your date about other dates if you two have no agreement about exclusivity. Wait until the relationship has progressed to exclusivity.
• Do pay attention to the clues about your date—you need to learn about this person's character, not just looks and charm.

DON'TS
• Don’t assume your date is exclusive with you if you've never talked about it. 
• Don't be afraid of silence. Occasional silences allow a conversation to feel natural and unforced.
• Don't make sex the objective. Good reasons for going slowly into sexual activity include: reducing the risk of sexually transmitted diseases, avoiding the awkwardness of intimacy with a total stranger; averting codependent obsession; and having sex to look forward to. If and when sex is right, it will happen—there’s no advantage in rushing. 
• Don't date beyond your budget. It doesn't impress your date if, in the long run, you have to make an embarrassing confession, and “buying” someone's company doesn’t work. A wide disparity in income calls for frank discussion early on. If your date spends a lot on you, reciprocating with a home-cooked meal, a hand-made gift, or needed repair work will even the
tally. 
• Don't get too self-conscious. The media focus on youth and fitness these days can make anyone feel insecure and unattractive. Look your best, then forget about it. Instead of worrying what your date thinks of you, focus on what you think of your date.

"Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will show you how to prepare for dating and how to find a suitable partner.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today contains a lot more information designed to make dating fun, successful and safe.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My father opposes my inter-racial relationship

Dear Dr. Romance:

My question of the week is how to deal with family opposition of my inter-racial relationship. My dad, who is in his 70s, is vehemently opposed to my relationship with my fiance (who is white). He hasn't even met him and given him a chance. It is quite frustrating given that our wedding is in a few months and I'm not even sure he will come. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Reader:

Be patient with your Dad. Perhaps he's taking this personally; as if your choice of a man of a different race is a slight to him. He loves you, he'll probably come around. Just keep calmly repeating, like broken record: "Dad, I love this man, and he loves me. We are happy. I love you, too, and I hope you can be happy for me. I'll be very sad on my wedding day if you're not there."

Don't push him, don't argue with him. You don't want to make it harder for him to give in. Just keep going with your wedding plans, involve your mother if she's willing, and make it possible for your dad to change his mind and come, even at the last minute. Have a plan B for if he's not there (someone else to give you away, etc.) Have faith, and trust that your Dad will get over his issue, when he sees his objections are not going to stop you. Many good wishes to you for your happiness. "Creating Family Acceptance"  will help you understand how to respond to  your family and "Getting to Yes" will help you improve your communication.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction explains how your family issues came about and what to do about them.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Emotional Hygiene

Dr. Romance writes:

Life is frequently not easy, and we often encounter problems and difficulties that require us to pay attention to our own feelings.

Relationships, whether with family, spouses and partners, friends or even colleagues, can create emotional fallout that we need to take care of. In addition, if we want to maintain emotional health and balance; create as much happiness as possible in life; and maintain what the twelve-step programs call serenity or inner peace; our emotions require care.

Physical and Emotional Hygiene 

I call this ongoing, routine care of feelings emotional hygiene. Most of us learned things about bodily hygiene and health in school and at home from our parents: wash behind your ears, brush and floss your teeth, wash your body and your hair on a regular basis; as well as washing your hands frequently to minimize your exposure to viruses and germs. Eating well, sleeping and exercising can be considered part of hygiene – maintaining good health. To do this well, you do these healthy things on a regular basis – once in a while isn’t effective for creating good health.

Emotional hygiene works in a similar way. Most of my clients are surprised to learn that their emotions, too, need daily care to maintain optimum balance. Just as consistent showering, hand-washing and tooth-brushing can help you maintain physical health and well-being and reduce your time in the doctor and dentist’s office, emotional hygiene can help you maintain emotional well-being and reduce the need for therapy, prescriptions and stress-related problems.

Here are some recommendations for daily emotional hygiene:

1. Meet Yourself

Whether you realize it or not, the relationship you have with yourself sets the pattern for how you connect with others. By developing a nurturing way to relate to yourself, you create a personal experience of both giving and receiving friendship. 

Checking in with yourself on a daily basis, knowing how you feel and what you think about whatever is going on in your life will make you happier and reduce your stress. Being kind to yourself and having a good relationship with you gives you a paradigm to follow which will make all your relationships with other people go more smoothly.

Understanding your feelings helps you make appropriate choices in every phase of your life. A big advantage of knowing who you are is knowing how to pamper and comfort yourself when you’re stressed or tired.

Use what you have learned about your style to develop a style for recharging and relaxing:  

What makes you most comfortable?

What soothes you?

What helps you recharge?

It can be anything from a bubble bath, a yoga session, or your favorite music to a long walk in the country, a phone conversation with your best friend, or a nap. Make a list of your favorite “personal rechargers”. Make sure the list includes simple things you can do cheaply (such as relax with a cup of tea and read a favorite book) to things that are very special (such as spend a day at a bed and breakfast or have a massage and a facial). Keep the list where you can refer to it whenever you feel in need of a recharge, and make use of it often.

Some people believe being a good friend to yourself is selfish, but you’ll discover that it’s really the opposite, because if you maintain your internal friendship, it becomes easier to be a good friend to others, and to recognize when others are good friends to you.

2. Clear out resentment and bitterness:

Clinging to resentment can be very destructive. Resentment comes from not wanting to take responsibility for yourself: you've been disappointed, but you don't want to really acknowledge it, and you also don't want to do the work of choosing a new goal, so you avoid it by wallowing in self-pity. If what happened to that you're resenting mimics a previous trauma, or your worst nightmare (you've been betrayed -- again ), you're more likely to sink into bitterness. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, and it feels like you're doomed. It's a mental mechanism keep you from having to grow up.

Here's how to get over resentment and bitterness:

1. Swear off guilt: Guilt is like time payments you can keep suffering forever. Instead, do the grieving you need to do, figure out how you helped create the problems (or accepted them) and decide to change what didn't work before. Grieve all you need, but don't exaggerate your feelings.

2. Don't assign blame: If you blame someone else, you'll eventually turn that blame on yourself. So, instead of blaming, find some more neutral things to say  "We saw things differently"  “I gave it my best shot, but it didn’t work.”

3. Focus on re-building your life: Resentment is not practical it's a negative fantasy. Focus on the practical things you need to do and think. Get your emotional, personal and financial life together as soon as you can. Think about all the things you've been freed up to do, and do some of them. Try things you would never have done before, or things you've always wanted to do. It's been said thant living well is the best revenge. Use the energy from your anger and grief, and channel them into doing things just for you. Try out for the play at the local theater, take dancing lessons or an art class, learn to scuba dive, get a pet, or plant a garden. Develop a support group for people with a similar problem.  All of those things will keep you focused on the present and the future, instead of the past.

3. Maintain your happiness:

Do what you can to bring as much happiness as possible to yourself and others. Being happy is undeniably good for you: the endorphins it releases reduce stress and pain, and boost your health and immune system. It also makes you glad to be alive and pleasant to be around.

There are three things you can do to create more happiness in your life:

1. Gratitude: Remember to notice and be thankful for whatever you have, what your friends, family and partner do for and give to you.

2. Generosity: Giving to others, especially giving thanks and kindness will make you happy, because most others will give back.

3. Ethics: Living your life according to a set of ethics that make sense to you will make you feel good about yourself, and increase your happiness.

4. Set aside regular time for yourself:

Me time is important for nurturing your relationship with yourself. It is proof that you care about yourself, just as when your friend or partner spends time with you, you feel cared about. Take it as seriously as your business appointments or dates with other people you love. One day a week, I go swimming at the gym, then take myself out for a healthy lunch at a favorite restaurant. I almost never skip this, and I don’t invite anyone to join me. It’s my time for me, and it helps me stay on an even keel.

5. Spend time with people you love 

Being with people you care about and who care about you is a great way to affirm your value as a person, and to confirm that your life has meaning and purpose. Make sure you take good care of your friendship and family relationships. It’s a great way to take care of you. Emotional maintenance means thinking about your emotional health and staying in touch with your feelings. When my clients begin to focus on emotional hygiene, they report feeling increased hope and energy. You, too, can have renewed hope and energy, and that's my wish for you.

From It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm Desperate: What Else Can I Do?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I suffer with sleeping alone in "our" bedroom while my wife of 14 years, sleeps in our two pre-teen sons' bedroom.  I've tried to talk and reason with her about this important problem, only to fall on deaf ears. I'm desperate.  What else can i do?  How can i get an autographed copy of your book?  I do a lot of reading in our bed since not much else ever happens.

Dear Reader:

It sounds like you need some help getting through to your wife, so why not go for counseling? A counselor would tell her that what she's doing is not good for your sons or your marriage. Be aware that she may want out of the marriage -- do you understand what turned her off? I'm not sure you're telling me everything, and I'm certainly not hearing her side.

Instead of telling her she's wrong, try listening to her side of the story. Maybe you have to change some things about how you deal with each other.  "Asking for What You Want"; "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely", "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" and "How to Be Irresistible to Your Mate"   are all full of information that can help you find out what the real problem is. I think Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences  is the best book for your situation.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't know how to choose a man

Dear Dr. Romance:

You give good advice and I really like the articles you have here.  I wish I could apply it to my life.  I have married and divorced twice and i always tell myself "I don't know how to choose a man".

But is it the man or me who is wrong? I don't know. Now, I have a new relationship and I am afraid to lose again this time. Can you tell me what to do?

Dear Reader:  

Thanks for letting me know enjoyed the articles. There are many articles there that can help you, like "Keys to a Happy Relationship";  "Couples Can Cooperate for Success"; and "Creating Unconditional Love" which will help you and your new partner develop a successful relationship.  "You be the Judge" gives you a way to make sure you have a good man. 

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will give you a lot of information and exercises you can do by yourself or with your partner to hone your relationship skills.  

How to Be Happy Partners:, Working it Our Together will show you how to work with your new partner to solve problems that come up in a cooperative way, and become a healthy, happy team.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I keep telling him not to push me.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I find your articles very interesting. I have a minor problem with my husband. he keeps telling me that I don't listen and that I am stubborn.  I admit my mind goes blank sometimes because he expects a lot from me and treats me like a teenager.  I keep telling him not to push me.

I have a full time job as an administrative assistant at a university, and we have our business where we have a person working but I am in the shop on Saturday, and I normally do the banking and the home chores.  We have no kids and have been married ten years. I do listen but I am only human and I make mistakes.  He always wants to be around his brother and wife.  She often accuses my husband of harrassing her. When his brother and sister-in-law  are not around everything is good with us, he pays attention to me instead of them. 

Dear Reader:

It sounds like you and your husband need to agree on times to talk with each other about important things. He sounds needy, and your sister-in-law's comment that he harasses her is further evidence of that. You sound very busy, so it would be helpful if you talked to him about setting up times when you two can talk, and in return he would understand when you're busy and can't talk. Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will help you establish a new way of solving problems and "Asking for What You Want" will help you be heard.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will show you how to communicate without fighting.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance says: "Lighten Up - Cures for Marital Boredom"

Dr. Romance writes:

The old folk songs say it:

Oh, love is handsome, love is fine
Love is a jewel when it is new; 
But when love's old, it waxes cold
And fades away, like morning dew.

Folk wisdom says it: If newlyweds put a penny in a jar for every time they make love in the first year, and take one out for every time after that, the jar will never be empty.

Although most of us hope for our love to last forever, studies show that many couples who have been married for several years actually feel quite hopeless about keeping love alive, or at best resigned to boredom.

The majority expectation is that sexual excitement will fade, and the best we can hope for is fondness and affection, and it is this belief that often underlies cheating, affairs and even leaving a spouse for a new, often younger version.

When couples know how to:
* enjoy sex with each other rather than be tempted by others,
* be open and honest with each other about sexual dissatisfactions, attractions, and other uncomfortable topics, 
* have well-established, reasonable guidelines for spending intimate time together,
* care about each others' feelings, 
* treat each other with respect
* support each others' emotional health and happiness, and
* work together to create a partnership,

...they have a sexual relationship that enhances and brings excitement instead of boredom and discord to their partnership.

Satisfaction Enhances Security

Couples who know, from experience, that they can feel mutually satisfied and enhanced by being with each other, do not doubt their relationship or their commitment.  When a relationship goes well, the reasons for being in it are clear:  Why would any one want to leave a relationship where they get what they want, and have fun to boot? When your relationship works well and feels like the best of all possible relationships, leaving it for something else, however new and exciting, is too big a gamble to take.

Creating this kind of security takes some skill and effort. A key ingredient for success for any long-term relationship is learning to create fun together.  Why fun? Because having fun together is a major way all couples enhance their positive feelings about each other, which we call bonding.  While fun enhances your bonding and the security in your relationship, the absence of fun can create boredom, which can lead to serious problems.

Avoiding Boredom

Boredom in a relationship is usually the result of avoidance -- of each other, of change, of responsibility, or of life.

Boredom is a signal that the two of you have begun to take each other and your relationship for granted.  Perhaps your activities have become too routine or you are avoiding facing a problem.  Counter the boredom by taking necessary risks -- for example, have that scary discussion about sex, aging, your in-laws, or dare to suggest a change in your routine.  If the cause of boredom is a too-regular routine, the problem is easily fixed.  All you need to do is... anything different.  It doesn't matter what you do as long as it's different and can be shared.    

Use the following three words as your key to avoiding boredom: celebration, play, and laughter.  
Celebration: Just as you used celebration as an important ingredient of your marriage ceremony, work promotions, your children's birthdays and graduation, you and your spouse need to continue celebrating your love throughout your lives to keep your energy high and maintain your motivation.  Frequent celebrations demonstrate your love and appreciation for each other.

 Organize festivities with friends, or celebrate alone together.  Go away for the weekend to mark a special event or simply to celebrate the fact of your continuing love.  Plan a special evening at home or at a restaurant; attend a concert to go to an amusement park together.  In short, don't stop dating because you've been together a long time.

A celebration need not be expensive.  The point is to acknowledge that you're celebrating something.  Ginger ale in a champagne glass, a lit candle and a bubble bath may be all you need. 

Play:  Playing together can help you to avoid boredom. It's during play that we re-create and renew our individual and mutual energies. Make recreation, play, and fun a priority in your relationship, setting aside time for play on a regular basis.  Filling all of your spare time with overtime work, volunteer work, or other such activities can translate into an avoidance of your partner. Get over any reluctance you have to appear silly, and throw a frisbee, blow bubbles, get on the swings in the park, play a cutthroat game of Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit, or just read silly jokes and funny stories to each other.  Dr. Seuss books, like If I Ran the Circus, and silly poems by Ogden Nash, are favorites of mine.

Laughter: I believe that after the initial excitement wears off in a long-term relationship, if all goes well, a sense of humor sets in.  Partners in long-term relationships generally have the self-esteem and confidence to laugh at their own and each other's quirks and weaknesses.  Through laughter, you and your partner can relieve pressure and remind yourselves that you're human.  A joke, a silly gesture or a funny greeting card or gift can often heighten intimacy.  Richard and I have gotten through many trying times together by repeating the sentiment of a greeting card given years ago.  The front read, "I love you" and inside, it said "it's a dirty job, but someone has to do it!" 

In my practice I have seen couples use conflict as the mainstay of their lives together, because they feel that not having constant dramatic struggles means not taking the relationship seriously.  Once they learn that such drama not only does not signify love, but is also unhealthy, they can learn to lighten up, relax, and substitute the delight of humor and play for the pain of struggle.
(adapted from: How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition)

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I want a man in my life that I can trust again.

Dear Dr. Romance:

After experiencing alot of physical and emotional abuse in my life, my last relationship was very damaging emotionally and physically. Now, many years later, I haven't had a serious relationship or even a date since.  I've had two opportunities this year, but one wanted to be friends,the other is working on overcoming his addiction,and has been successful for several years.  

I used to be shy, but I'm  not anymore.  I am currently seeing a psychologist, a psychiatrist, and I have a therapist.  But at times I feel lonely.  I have family and a best friend, but I want a man in my life that I can trust again.

Whatever vibe I give off, men notice me,but won't approach me in public.  I was told twice by one ex boyfriend that I project Look but Don't touch.  Then someone else that I thought was a friend said the same thing.  I'm not into the bar scene anymore.  In my online dating experience,  the men I contact have unhealthy boundaries,  such as stating they love me after two emails and my pic.

What is a Woman to do? I want a friendship, chemistry,and to build trust, and see what develops from there.  I don't want to email alot, just one or two msgs, a phone call, then meet for coffee in a public place.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong?? I say I want and treat others with honesty, trust, respect and I am a caring, attractive, loving, kind person.I'm sooo confused.

Dear Reader:

Although I don't know what you look like, It would not be surprising if you did project a "don't touch me" feeling, after experiencing so much abuse.  Yes, there are a lot of people online who have unhealthy boundaries and don't really understand relationships.  What you want is not unreasonable, you just need to use the right method to get it.  You've had a lot of therapy and treatment, and you sound like you're ready.  I'm sure you've done fine work in therapy, but it may not be what you need to prepare for a relationship. 

 "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"  and "Where is Love?" will give you a method for finding a healthy person to date.  Build on your friendships, and create an active social life.  Regular activities with other like-minded people will give you a chance to get to know people before you date them. When you a potential date interact with others, you get a much better understanding of his character.  Choose activities organized around things you enjoy or that are important to you.  Whether you take a class, join an activist group, participate in sports or discussion groups, as long as you enjoy the focus of the group you will meet others with whom you have much in common.  Being around groups of people will also give you a chance to practice letting down your guard a little, and inviting others to be close to you.  I know you can find a safe and satisfying relationship with a little experimentation.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today was written to make dating  as an adult safe, fun and successful, so you'll find it valuable.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't want to be the victim of any Jezebel

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a gentle young graduate of about 30 years. Throughout my staying on the campus, I decided not to enter into any real relationship that could eventually lead to marriage (I mean I had nothing in common with girls). Now, I need a life partner, wish must be a graduate like me, pretty and most, God fearing. I don't want to be a victim of any Jezebel. Please help me out. I want to get married latest next year.

Dear Emmanuel:

From the tone of your letter, I am guessing you are involved in a church or religious group, and I recommend you seek there for a partner. I can understand why you had difficulty relating to the girls on campus. In fact, with your timeline and your concern about a Jezebel, you sound as if you're seeking an arranged marriage or something similar. "Where is Love?"and  "Relationships 101: Do Opposites Attract?" will help you understand more about relationships in general,  and "Stupid Cupid" will help you figure out what you want in your relationship.  However, I'm concerned that much of my advice will not coincide with your beliefs. I suggest you turn back to your religious roots to find the woman you're looking for. Seek out the elders in your religious community and ask for their advice.  Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will teach you tools for communicating with your partner about what each of you wants in the relationship.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't know if this is retaliation

Dear Dr. Romance:

I recently read "The One Who Got Away." While my situation doesn't parallel the situations you described in the article, it's very similar.

About 8-9 mos ago, I ran into a high school crush on a social media site – I took the first leap, and shot her a "hey how you doing – it's me so and so from high school" type email. We exchanged emails pretty regularly (at least once a day, but usually multiple times), and eventually exchanged numbers. From then on, emails graduated to phone calls & text messages.

This was an everyday thing – we'd literally "blow up" our cell phones with text messages, and she'd always call at least once a day. Unfortunately at the time, I couldn't call her because I didn't have long distance on my plan. Things were going pretty regularly, and eventually I told her that I felt strongly about her – in high school, and talking to her now is bringing all those feelings back. We talked about why we never dated (I was too shy, and she never knew), and stuff along those lines. We'd have long conversations about anything and everything: personal stuff, funny anecdotes, you name it. Here's the problem: Over the last 1-2 weeks or so, communication has dropped significantly. What used to be long conversations, are now one /two word replies.

We're not dating (we live in different states) but I've hinted at possibly moving down there – I do miss my old friends, but I would definitely like to be closer to her, especially because things can get misunderstood through text messaging. Yesterday, she said she was disappointed by something. She wouldn't reveal what, but when I jokingly said "is someone vying to date you" she replied back with "ehh. Not exactly". She's told me that she's not ready for a relationship (specifically, she doesn't have the energy for one – she just finalized everything with her ex, they were due to be married, but things didn't work out), but I guess I was so used to being able to talk with her everyday (either by phone or text), and this sudden change is doing my head in.

This has happened once or twice before, but things bounced back, and we would start talking pretty regularly again. There are other small things that I notice, but I think I might be reading too much into them – for example, we no longer comment on each other statuses on Facebook, however, she'll banter back and forth with a male friend of hers (admittedly, this has me thinking some not so nice thoughts – that she's concentrating on deepening things with him, hence the emotional distance between me and her) This has made me a little jealous..in fact, she was talking about something that made her jealous a few days prior, and I don't know if this is "retaliation" or if its something that's happening but she's not aware of it. Any advice?

Dear Reader:

It's hard to know what's bothering her, since she won't tell you, but I have a guess. I think she might feel that you're very cheap not to spring for the cost of a long-distance call to talk to her. Especially with VOIP (Internet phone) available for next to nothing, I think she'd get the idea that she's not worth the effort to you. Perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps you have actually paid for some calls, but if all the charges are hers, that's a problem.

Also, you're moving very quickly if you're telling her that you have deep feelings before even talking face-to-face. It's also very possible that she is putting more energy toward a guy who's geographically closer. There's no way to really know. She may be worried about getting into another relationship that doesn't work out.

What is the possibility that you can make a visit to her? It's really not so far from where you are. Make a plan to visit old friends there, and after the plan is set, let her know you'll be in town and ask her on a real date. Give her some advance notice, but don't let the trip depend on her. If you have friends there, you have a reason to visit.

You don't have to be extravagant, but do spend some money on her -- take her to a restaurant, a movie or some other typical dating venue. You've unfortunately allowed her to get the impression that you want a relationship without any groundwork, and I'm guessing she's feeling used. Another great thing to do is to get together with old friends and invite her to join you. If you do that, and she says no, then you'll know she's moved on to someone else. If she says yes, you have a chance (if you go slowly) to build something real.

You can't build a relationship on dreams of yesterday. At some point, it's got to be based on something real in today's world. "The Tennis Match: Balancing the Power in Your Relationship" and "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will help you understand the dynamics of your relationship and learn the skills to make it work. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today can help you get out of your fantasy world and into successful dating.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance: When Therapy Isn’t Working

Dr. Romance writes:

As a therapist, I have worked with many clients who had been going to a previous therapist for years, and getting nowhere. Some therapists just listen and sympathize, but will not challenge a client to move through and past trauma and stuck places.

If talking to friends and family, or even your therapist, doesn’t help you move on past old traumas, let go of toxic relationships, or move through your grief and emotional pain, it’s time to get some effective therapy.

Your therapist should help you:

1. Look at your hurts and pain: When you’ve been hurt, betrayed, abandoned or suffered loss, whether it was in childhood or more recently; like most people you probably want to avoid those feelings. A competent therapist will help you face the anger, hurt and fear you’re avoiding. Helping you move through these feelings will help you heal a lot faster and more completely.
   
   2. Learn to soothe and calm yourself: When something bad happens, many people use the stimulus to scare or punish themselves. This makes the whole crisis worse. When you’re upset, you need to be able to calm yourself down and comfort yourself. A good therapist can teach you these skills.
   
   3. Look at past traumas from a new perspective, taking yourself out of the victim slot and helping you see yourself as a survivor who can thrive: Traumas often produce Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) with symptoms like: agitation, irritability, hostility, hyper-vigilance, self-destructive behavior, social isolation, flashbacks, exaggerated fear, severe anxiety, mistrust, insomnia or nightmares, emotional detachment, unwanted thoughts, depression, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, guilt, or loneliness. These disturbing symptoms can be relieved if you work with a therapist who understands how to treat PTSD.
   
   4. Help you learn from past mistakes so you won’t repeat them: It’s easy to develop harmful behavior patterns, which are repeated mindlessly. A good therapist can help you look at these and change them.
   5. Teach you skills and tools for getting through life better: Life and relationships require a lot of skills, like good communication skills, reassuring other people, and getting and staying organized. A good therapist can help you develop the skills you may be missing.
   
   6. Figure out what happiness is for you: It’s common for people to being organizing their lives according to what others want them to do or what they think others believe about them. This doesn’t lead to happiness. A good therapist can help you discover what will really make you happy, and create a plan to achieve it.
   
   7. Show you how to achieve what you want in life: If you haven’t been able to attain goals you want to meet, a good therapist can help you create a road map for meeting your goals, and help you figure out how you’re getting in your own way, and fix it.
   
   This may involve:
   
   1. Hearing things you don’t want to hear: The truth can set you free, but it may not be what you want to hear. A therapist shouldn’t care about being nice to you, but care about your healing enough to tell you the hard truths.
   
   2. Realizing your own mistakes that led to the problem: It’s natural to want to blame other people, but your power lies in being able to look dispassionately at yourself, figure out what you’ve been doing wrong, and changing how you approach things. A therapist can help you get a clear view of your own responsibility in what has happened.
   
   3. Learning to forgive and let go: Hanging on to a lost love, nurturing your anger at someone, or holding a grudge holds you back from moving on. A competent therapist can help you learn to protect yourself from future hurt and learn what it really means to forgive.
   
   4. Growing up emotionally, so you see parents and others as the fallible humans they are: As small children, we see our parents and certain other adults as very powerful, and the only possible source of love and safety. We take whatever they say very seriously, and we may carry whatever messages we got from them from a lifetime. When we learn how to see them as fallible people, and take back the power to determine our own opinions, we become more emotionally mature and more in charge of our own lives. A good therapist can help you do that.
   
   If these things are not happening, talk with your therapist. If the therapist isn’t receptive, it may be time to find someone new.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  can help you find someone who will save you stress, time and money by really helping you to heal.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will show you what's involved in healing PTSD and childhood dysfunction.
   
   
   
   

   For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My parents are racists

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I've been in a relationship for almost 2 years with a great person whom I've known for the 5 years I've been in this country. We studied together, were genuine friends before feelings started to develop, and we decided to be together. He and I are from a different nationalities and races.  This has never been a problem to us because we seem to get along great in terms of values, religious background, personalities, interests, and interactions. We do have our fights, but we always manage to sort them out well. I know he is the one for me, and we are practically living together.  

My parents disapprove because they strongly believe that their kids have to get marry within the same nationality and  racial background. They have told me this for a long time, and I didn't express my disagreement to avoid hours of lectures but I was already going out with my current partner.

When I finally had the courage to tell my parents that I have made a decision to be with someone, the first thing they asked me was what nationality he is. It doesn't matter that he treats me right, that both of us come from the same religious background, that we are both highly educated, that he comes from a great family, that he's responsible and a fair person, or that he's compassionate.

Instead, they told me how disappointed they are and how disrespectful I am for not accepting their choice of partners.  This feel they will lose face because people will gossip about us. My parents care so much about what people say about us and are very respectable. They fear shame and losing face because a different skin color is just bad. My mom stopped talking to me, she's been crying all the time, can't seem to concentrate in her work, can't see my picture because she'll cry again, can't seem to get sleep at nights, and won't open my emails. My dad has been calling me all the time and saying horrible things like: I am a disrespectful child, I am a liar, my mom's heart problems are worse because of me, I am causing their unhappiness, they will NEVER EVER accept my choice and decision, and they regret trusting me.

My parents are not bad people, even though my dad has been very strict, they have been lovely, the most caring people I've ever known. They are compassionate about others and mom is very patient. They respect people from all cultures and have taught me to treat people with respect.

I don't know if I'm ready if they disown me and it's very hard to hear how I've made them suffer.  I care so much about them and it breaks my heart. I really DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! Please tell me how should I handle this situation

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry you're in this predicament. Your parents are doing what they think is right, and right for you. They love you, and they want you to succeed. Unfortunately, success by their definition is different from success for you. No matter how sad it is, you have to follow your own path. Eventually, you will be without your parents, and you must build a life that works for you.

From what you tell me, this is a good relationship. It is very important that he treats you well and you work well together, even though your parents don't understand that. I recommend that you keep telling your parents that you love them, you don't want to dishonor them, but you must build your own life. Keep expressing your gratitude that they gave you what you need to live a happy, fulfilling life. Express your regret that you cannot make them happy. Keep building success in your life with your partner. Eventually, they may come around to see that your path is working.

In this case, you must be the bigger person, and love them even though they are not being loving right now. In my experience, most families eventually adjust to these differences. Your parents have had to accept many things in their lifetime that they did not want -- they will probably be able to accept this eventually. If they keep sending you money, keep saving it. You may be able to use it to help care for them in their old age.

I wish there were an easy answer to this, but you and your partner are developing a different culture than that of your parents, and that is never the easy path. You are choosing your own happiness and success over the dictates of your family and culture.  Your problem is the problem of the current time, in which we are transcending the limits of race and culture. We must be careful to cherish the richness of the original cultures while overcoming their limits. I wish you the best of luck in your new life. "Mirrors and Teachers"  and "Creating Family Acceptance" will help you understand them better, and react better.   The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before 40 2nd Edition will give you a lot of information about building an independent life.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance's NEW book! Find it on Amazon! This is a perfect book for any woman who wants to do more than talk about changing her life, it's a road map to her goal.

 

The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before Forty 2nd Edition

"One of the best books for women that I have read. It takes desires and dreams and shows you a step by step practical way to achieve them. For any woman who wants to do more than talk about changing her life, a road map to her goal."Sonya Friedman, Ph.D.Psychologist and TV Host

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: How can I find a good man to love me for me?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm a single mom, of a teenage  son. I was never married to his dad (if you want to call him that). I have the hardest time finding a relationship cuz I am on SS income and I am judged by that. I am a loving person, the good guys want a woman that works or is very active. I'm not able to do either. So how can I find a good man to love me for me?

Dear Reader:

You need to focus on what you have to offer a partner. A relationship is not just about you getting taken care of and loved, but about taking care of and loving each other.  I'm guessing that you're the one who's most focused on your source of income.  Yes, it's harder when you have a child and don't work, because men are concerned about taking on the added responsibility if they don't think they're going to get much in return.

There are many things you can do to improve yourself and your situation. Do whatever you can to improve yourself. Read and learn, go to church, take classes that are free or low-cost at your local adult school. Look your best, and dress to appeal to the kind of man you're looking for; that is, don't dress too sexy if you want someone to like you for more than sex. Emphasize your positive qualities, and show what you have to offer.

If you can cook, let people know. If you are funny, interesting and a good companion, that's very attractive. Get involved in your church or community activities -- you'll meet people who can help you be your best. Make good, healthy friends, and that will lead you to a healthy relationship. "Where is Love?" and "Dating Guidelines for Single Parents" will help you get organized.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has all the information you need about where to go to meet people, and how to get things started.  

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I have strong feelings for my boss

Dr. Dr. Romance,

I have strong feelings for my boss, he's 10 years older than me. I cannot explain why I have these feelings or why I think of him ....He's still my boss kinda, I'm working on a new mission and have a different boss now, its not the same. I miss my boss, I wander if he misses me too! What do you think?

Dear Reader:

I think you're probably lonely, and because of that, you imagine the good connection you had with your former boss to be something more. I doubt if he shares the feelings, because he would have let you know. You need to take this as a sign that you need more social contact than just your work life. Find a project, hobby or interest outside work. Take a class in something that interests you, and begin meeting people and making friends beyond work.  "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" for more information on how to do this. Please don't continue to indulge in this fantasy about your boss. Get a real life instead.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will show you how to do it.

Once you have an active social life, it will lead you to the relationship you long for.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance Happiness Tip: Gentle Persistence

Dr. Romance writes: Have you noticed that nagging, whining, complaining, sternly directing, yelling, criticizing and freaking out don’t seem to get you what you want from a partner, family member, friend, colleague or child? In a previous article, “Asking for What You Want”  I explained how to ask cleanly and directly for what you want, and that being direct has a better success rate. While that’s true, it isn’t infallible.  Sometimes, it’s necessary to use a technique I call “gentle persistence.”

At times, no matter how good you are at communication techniques, the other person will still refuse to talk with you about certain topics. This can happen when you're brand new at negotiating, or even after you have had several successful, satisfying discussions. Even people who are used to working on things together can get stuck in stubborn refusal to talk, if they're anxious, stressed or pressured. There are a lot of possible reasons why either of you could be reluctant or unwilling to negotiate:

* If teamwork and solving problems together is new to either or both of you,
* If the problem is particularly scary to either of you,
* If one of you is afraid of being manipulated or over powered,
* If the problem seems insurmountable,
* If one of you is accustomed to being in charge,
* If the problem involves a life change.
* If one of you is in a stressful situation or anxious about something.

If you have tried everything you know and the other person still refuses to talk about it, don't give up Getting to a mutually workable agreement and the resulting mutual satisfaction and success are worth some extra effort on your part. At this point, gentle persistence is what you need.

Gentle persistence is the art of staying focused on your objective (solving your problem, getting an agreement to negotiate) and repeatedly asking the other person to participate, without sounding critical, impatient, pushy, overbearing or dictatorial. When it comes to opening up a discussion, gentle persistence can be a very effective and valuable skill. Most of us only know how to persist in a nagging, complaining, whining or angry way. These styles of persistence are based in the belief that the other person won't cooperate, and has to be made unhappy or uncomfortable enough to give in.

Gentle persistence, in contrast, is based on a belief that the other person is a reasonable person who wants to cooperate, but somehow (even after all your communicating, I messages, and invitations) hasn't heard you, and misinterprets or doesn't understand that's what you want. Such persistence may need to be repeated over a period of days or weeks, if the other person is very reluctant to listen or has a difficult time understanding what you mean, but, if you can resist the impulse to nag or complain, it is very often successful.

When you gently persist:

* You let the other person know that the problem you're experiencing is very important and must be resolved, but in a gentle, uncritical, non-threatening way.

* You gently but firmly refuse to give up your power to create good things in your life together, just because one of you is scared, angry or stubborn.

* You stay focused on your purpose, and don't let yourself be drawn off course.

* You calmly and lovingly refuse to take no for an answer.

Gentle persistence is not as hard as it may sound, and once you try it, you’ll find out it works. The reward for gently persisting is a mutually satisfactory solution, and a relationship that works for both of you. The following guidelines will help you maintain your balance, and not be pushy and manipulative or give up too easily.

Guidelines: Gentle Persistence

1. Be well prepared before trying gentle persistence. Gentle persistence, especially when you're new at it, requires that you be in firm control of yourself. Choose a moment when you feel strong, and you and the other person have some peaceful, uninterrupted time. You are demonstrating adult, thoughtful, calm and rational interaction for the other person, even if the other person is aggravating, dismissive or childish in his or her responses, so you must feel strong and comfortable enough to stay calm and positive in the face of negative responses. Be sure you're not upset, exhausted, fearful or angry when you try it. That means you may need to take care of yourself by blowing off steam elsewhere (in writing, to a friend) if you get annoyed, or dropping the subject temporarily (and coming back later) because you've run out of patience. Understand that, until the other person realizes the importance of this particular issue to you, you are in the role of educator. Be sure you know clearly that your goal is to get an agreement to negotiate about your problem and that you're willing to explain it as many times as necessary, remaining calm every time.

2. You both deserve to have what you want. Gentle persistence is based on the conviction that you and the other person both deserve to get what you want. You're not asking for permission to have your way. You're making a firm offer to the other person to participate in the process so that he or she can have what they want also. If you hold that point of view, you won't feel guilty, helpless, hopeless or angry. Remembering that you're working to create a change (from competing or rescuing to cooperation) that is beneficial to both of you and your relationship, and even raises the odds that your relationship will continue to be successful, will keep you objective and motivated to succeed.

3. Be gentle and firm. Gentleness means treating the other person with respect and caring, while firmness means not giving in or giving up. If the other person says something, listen and respond with reassurance or simple facts, but don't agree unless it's meeting your objective. Don't slide into nagging, manipulating, pushing, coercing, or abusing. Let the other person know that the issue is important to you, that you are serious about finding a satisfactory solution, that you want his or her participation in solving it, and you're not going to give up or forget the idea

4. Be sincere about cooperating. Before you try gentle persistence be sure that you really are willing to negotiate and that you honestly want the other person to be satisfied, too, so that your invitation to the other person to participate is genuine. If you really desire a cooperative, equal relationship, and the other person doesn't understand the value of that, it's up to you to lead the way. To succeed, you must accept the responsibility of being cooperative whether or not the other person agrees to participate.

5. Try to understand the other person's resistance. His or her inexperience, mistrust, need to control, or reluctance to be direct can be in the way. Encourage the other person to talk about his or her reluctance, and listen carefully. What you learn will make the difference for your success.

6. Be as objective as possible. When you express what you feel, use I messages, and don't expect the other person to agree. Instead, try to see both sides: why you want to negotiate, as well as why the other person doesn't. The better you understand the other person's attitude and concerns, the more effective you will be at reassuring and convincing him or her that the discussion will benefit him or her, too. Seek to explain the benefits of working together as the other person would perceive them, through reassurance and active listening.

7. Address the other person's fear. You may need to reassure the other person many times while you are gently persisting, because you are changing the rules for how you deal with each other, and change is unsettling and produces anxiety. Unwillingness to negotiate almost always indicates fear of the outcome. It can be very reassuring to remind the other person: I don't want to discomfort or embarrass you. Or our old standby, I want both of us to be satisfied. I won't consider this negotiation successful or complete unless you get what you want, too.

8. Remind the other person of your good will. Love and respect usually reduce defensiveness and make cooperation easier. Take some time to remind yourself of all the good and valuable aspects of your relationship, and then share them with the other person. Tell the other person you believe that together, you can solve the problem.

These steps are not necessarily easy, and learning to use them may require overcoming old, bad habits that lead to struggle. Take your time, and keep practicing. Familiarity with this technique can change every important relationship you have.

Adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners; Working it out Together

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: She cannot forgive all the hurt I have caused her

Dear Dr. Romance

I came across your name in an article titled "How Not to Repeat Past Relationship Mistakes".  My wife and I have been together since for over ten years, and  have 3 children. and my wife has a daughter from a previous relationship.  We have been seeing a marriage counselor because my wife has been unhappy with me for years. Several months ago, she told me she wanted a divorce. She claims that I pushed her away with my behavior (anger, mood swings, etc.) and has fallen out of love with me. I begged her to stay. I promised her we would seek counseling and that I would change my ways.

She has stuck around and has been telling me she is trying to find it within her heart to want to continue with our relationship. A recent argument has put us back to what feels like square one. She told me she is leaving to live her life without me in it. I am desperate. I love my wife tremendously and I am willing to do anything and everything it will take to save our marriage.

Counseling at this point does not seem to be helping us. Lisa has said during counseling sessions that she doesn't understand how anyone can make her love me again. I believe she truly wants to leave me for good but struggles within herself when it comes to hurting me. I have been pouring my heart out to her constantly until she made me promise to stop and to just give her some time and space.

I don't know who to turn to at this point. She has moved out of our bedroom and into the spare bedroom for the third time now. Our youngest child for the second time has asked why mommy isn't sleeping in our bed anymore. She cannot forget all of the hurt I have caused her. I feel like we need strong intervention to help us heal the pain in our past so that we can start to rebuild our relationship. 

Dear Reader:  

From what you're telling me, I think couples counseling is not the right way to go. You need counseling for your "behavior (anger, mood swings, etc.) " As long as you have an anger problem, you won't be able to sustain a relationship, with your wife or anyone else. I recommend you get individual counseling immediately, and be serious about it. If you can't manage your own moods, emotions and reactions, your wife will never reconcile with you.  When you get help for yourself, your wife will see and understand that.

 "Anger: Cleansing Squall or Hurricane?" "Fair Fight Guidelines" and "How Not to Fight" will help you understand your anger and what to do about it.  "How to Be Irresistible to Your Mate" will give you what you need to try and repair things with your wife.  Couples counselors differ in expertise. I am not familiar with the one you're seeing, but if that counselor hasn't insisted you get help for your anger and mood swings, then it's not the right counselor for you. You need individual counseling.  Use the "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" to find a counselor who will be very tough and interactive if you want rapid change. The counselor should give you homework. If you fix this quickly, you might have a chance to save your marriage. You may have waited too long, but at least you can fix the problem so your anger doesn't destroy your next relationship.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will teach you how to discuss problems without fighting.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am feeling overwhelmed to the point I just want out

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read some of the things you stated about marriage. Why people divorce. I am feeling overwhelmed lately. To the point I just want out. I have been married for over 17 years. We have 2 school-age children together. I am in school full time and work full time and still have a household to run. Can you please help me find a counselor? You are a blessing to all who reads and speak with you. Keep doing your daily work. God Bless.

Dear Reader:

 I'm sorry you're having a tough time, and I understand how overwhelmed you must be. I don't know anyone in your area, but "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a good therapist.  Therapy is a great idea for you at this time.  In the meantime, "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" and "Asking for What you Want" will help you calm down and understand what you need to do.

I'm sure your husband loves you, but doesn't know what you want, and is probably lost in his own little world. You can learn the skills to bring him out and get him to do his share for his family.

Many men believe if they earn the money, that's enough. They have to be taught to take responsibility for child care, household maintenance, and their marriage. Women often just do everything, and complain, which falls on deaf ears. Men need to be asked directly "Will you please vacuum, do the dishes, etc." And they often need to be taught how, if their mothers didn't teach them. (I hope you teach your sons what their responsibilities are, so they'll be equipped when they grow up.)

This feels like a lot of effort on your part, when you're already overwhelmed, but it will lead to you having to do less, and feeling more like you and your husband are a team. Breaking up will be a tragedy for your kids, and you may never find another partner better than your husband. Better to train him to be the partner you want. Begin today by asking him directly without emotion, for what you want instead of suffering, complaining, nagging or whining.

How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will help you understand how relationships work and How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will teach you the skills you need to communicate and ask for what you want.

       

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My girlfriend does not like phone sex.

Dear Dr. Romance:

My girlfriend does not like phone sex. When ever bring the topic she is always mad at me. I don't know maybe it's the way her ex treated her. Please help

Dear Reader:

You can't have phone sex with your girl if she doesn't like it, and you can't force her to like it. Instead, you have to make it attractive to her.  So, turn on your charm, find out how she feels about it, instead of just trying to talk her into it. If it is about the way her ex treated her, you need to listen to her, and let her tell you about it.  "Getting to Yes" helps you understand how to talk to her about phone sex and sex in general. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will show you how to develop a mutually satisfying relationship.It gives you scripts and guidelines for talking about sex in a productive way.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance Happiness Tip: After Infidelity: Stay or Go?

Dr. Romance writes:

When you get the devastating news that your spouse has had an affair, how do you decide whether to stay or go? Because you feel betrayed, your first impulse is usually anger, and wanting to leave – fight or flight. But, after you calm down, you realize there’s a lot you’ll lose, and you may have children to consider.

Don’t make an instant decision you may regret later, after the damage is done. It’s possible to find an extraordinary love after divorcing late in life, but most of my clients report the potential partners out there are no better than the ones they left.

While I don't think you should stay and suffer if nothing’s working, in my practice I see many couples who do the work and wind up happier than before.

The affair may have happened after long-standing problems in the marriage, which can actually be corrected to the satisfaction of both partners. Often dissatisfaction grows from resentment, and the root causes can be fixed with the help of counseling. If both partners are willing to change what’s not working, a marriage can be improved can be turned into a satisfying life of enjoyable companionship.

I also see a fair number of couples who get back together after a divorce, because they had a chance to see what it’s like to be alone, and to calm down and get over petty resentments. Unfortunately, now they’re a lot poorer because of the costs of the divorce, dividing up property, and so on.

Here are some reasons to stay or go:

Top 5 reasons to stay:

*Your spouse truly recognizes he or she has a problem, and is willing to get help to fix it, and to be accountable for rebuilding trust.

*You two are going to counseling, and understanding why the affair happened, and how to fix the problems.

*You're getting your own sex life back on track, if it was off track.

*You have a long, shared history, joint finances, and family ties that make it worth keeping the marriage together.

*You still love each other, and it's clearly mutual.

Top 5 reasons to go:

  *Your spouse is in denial, makes excuses, and blames you. This means he or she is invested in the cheating behavior, and not ready to change.

*You have had it, no longer feel connected, and are not willing to work on it. Be sure this isn't just temporary anger. *You are prepared to be on your own.

*You either have no children, they're grown, or you're certain a divorce will be better for them than what's going on.

*Your spouse refuses to give up the other relationship, or infidelity in general.

(from How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together)

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I feel like we have to sneak around and hide

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am in a relationship with a man who twenty years younger. He is black, and I am white. We are very much in love.  The problem is that my parents are very much against my dating a black man. They do not like the age difference either, but the being black is worse. This is causing a problem in our relationship because I am putting up a wall between us because of my parents. I know how old I am and that I should not let my parents rule my life, but I am very close to my parents and my family.

I have 3 brothers. All of them are also against me being with a black man. I have a son, so all I want for him is to be happy, and he wants me to be happy. I wish my parents felt the same way about me.

I am so happy and in love with this man. I feel like we have to sneak around and hide because of my parents. I feel like a teenager who is going to get caught. Should I tell them that I have continued to date this man, even though they have forbidden it? I feel like I can move on with my life if I tell them, but I may lose my parents and brothers for good. What do you think? Thank you for any help you can give me. 

Dear Reader:

In my experience with people who fall in love outside of their families' expectations, and I've seen many cross-cultural relationships, the families object as long as they think they have a chance of dissuading the family member from staying in the relationship. In most cases (not all) once the family understands the relationship is not going anywhere, they accept it. They may never get comfortable, but they don't disown you.

It's important to consider this carefully, because you're in a hormone-flooded state right now. You have cultural differences and age differences that will present problems in the future. The problems can be surmounted, however, if you are both able to be mature about it and work through the issues. I don't know if you've met his family, but it's a good idea to do so as soon as possible. By all means, let your family know you're still dating this man.

It's time to grow up and let your family know that you love them, but they're not in charge of you. Whether this relationship succeeds or not, your family should know that it's what you're doing. They don't have to know details. You can let them know each new stage as it happens -- don't project too far into the future.  "Mirrors and Teachers" and "Creating Family Acceptance" have helpful information about responding to your family in a different way. The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will help you think more clearly about this, and give you guidelines for talking with your family.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I have strong feelings for my plastic surgeon

Dear Dr. Romance:

I saw you on the web and thought I would ask you about my attraction to my plastic surgeon. I am almost 50, and have been having procedures done for 6 months now. He is my age and married with 2 school-age children and a younger wife.  I have very strong feelings for him and NO, it is not transference. I have felt that before while in therapy and this is different.

He is very good looking and I was attracted to him immediately. He always kisses me on my cheek (lately it is getting closer to my lips) he told me I was an amazing woman. When I ask him in what way ... he said in every aspect from my personality to the way I heal to my great attitude on life. He likes my hair. He said I was wonderful when I told him I was attracted to him and I thought he was very good looking and found it difficult to keep my distance from him.

He took my hands in his one time (interlocked) and pulled me toward him and than back. I know he is not able to respond to me directly without risking losing his license. Is it my imagination or is he attracted to me maybe feeling something for me? Or, is he just being very nice. That is something else too. He told me I was so nice and it was rare in his buisness to have a patient like me and he appreciated it very much. I want him and know I can't be with him. How do I deal with it?  I really feel the need to tell him my feelings before I can let them go. I will be finished soon with my surgeries and won't see him for 3 months then 6 months and finally 1 year. Any advice ? 

Dear Reader:

You're not going to like this answer. If you really need plastic surgery, find another doctor. What are you thinking? He's a married man, and he's making money off you -- that's why he kisses your cheek. You're living in a fantasy world, and it's very unhealthy for you. Run, do not walk, back to therapy. Please read  "True Beauty: Honor the God or Goddess In You" "Where is Love?" and "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" You deserve to have a happy life, and these articles will point you in the right direction. The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will help you re-evaluate and refocus to create a happier life.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: How Can I Let Him Go?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read  "Letting Go Takes Love" and it really spoke to me. I am in a situation and I was wondering if you could give me quick advice. I feel the need to let go of someone because he basically doesn't know what he wants. We have been going back and forth with the issue over a year now.

The barriers of friendship have been broken long ago but he still seems uncomfortable with the idea of labeling it anything more. He broke things off with me about 2 months ago and we have tried to stay away from each other. Every time I finally begin to move on with my life he appears and calls or emails and then we seem to slip back into the previous mode we were in. I have made it more than clear that I cannot have just 10% of him and needed to stop contact for the time being so I could get the idea of us being in a relationship out of my head. However, that doesn't seem to work either and seems to make him contact me more.

Yet we never progress into anything more than "friends". I feel weak because every time he contacts me I speak to him but every time I am left feeling like I am missing something in my life - him. It is a painful process. Yet he knows all this and won't leave me be so I can move on.

I do not want to be harsh to him and take drastic measures but my heart cannot take anymore of this. How can I let him go for myself and let go of the hope that I still have that him and I will end up together? I am not ready to date other people and the thought of it terrifies me. I just need him to take the next step or to leave me alone completely for awhile so I can get over it.

Why am I stuck in the same spot and why can't he just give us a try or just leave me alone?

Dear Reader:

I'm afraid he's not going to leave you alone. You are backup for him, and every time you pull away, he'll come closer. You're going to have to be the "bad guy" in this relationship, and stop the contact from your side. He's got what he wants, you haven't, so it's up to you to put the brakes on. Block his phone calls, emails, and social media so you aren't tempted to respond. Your whole life is in limbo so this commitment-avoidant guy can feel he's got someone hanging around whenever he needs you. You're making this way too easy. Read "Your Primary Relationship" for help in developing the determination to cut this guy off. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you get prepared to date again, and find a man who can really commit.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance Happiness Tip: The Magic of Reassurance

Dr. Romance writes:

There are a few simple communication techniques that  work like magic in relationships, whether with committed partners, friends, co-workers or relatives. One of the most effective is reassurance, which is simple to do , and calms both of you down, which allows your discussion move on without struggles.  When a discussion begins to get difficult, if you learn to stay calm and reassure the other person you’ll find it works very effectively.  As you practice reassuring yourself and each other, it gets easier to do, and the more reassurance you give each other, the easier and smoother your discussions will be.

Reassurance
When you and your partner, friend, co-worker or relative are accustomed to arguing or struggling to be “right” and make each other “wrong”, your discussions can be blocked by the fear that every conversation will be just another struggle, someone is going to lose, someone will end up feeling bad, or nobody will win. Worse yet, after all the hassle, frustration and resentment, the problem could still be unsolved. So, when you propose to talk about something, the response is "why bother?"
If the other person won’t talk about a problem, it may be because he or she fears the outcome of the discussion. Determining the source of the fear (is it fear of losing? fear of arguing or fighting? fear it won't work?) gives you an idea about what is needed to reassure your partner. 

Reluctance or refusal talk is usually the result of one or more specific fears, such as: 
* Fear of being manipulated or overpowered: When one of you is more verbal than the other, the less verbal partner can feel overwhelmed and inadequate, and those feelings lead to not wanting to talk at all.  
* Fear of being taken advantage of, made a fool of, or "conned":  If there’s no history of this within your relationship, this fear may come from elsewhere, such as a past relationship or  early childhood:  For example, older kids or siblings always took advantage of you. Those feelings persist, and even if you overcame them in business settings, they may come up when you become close enough to a spouse to feel vulnerable.
* Fear of having another fight: When you have a history of fighting with each other, both of you can become reluctant to begin a conversation (or to get into a serious discussion) because you are sure it will become a fight.
* Fear that the process will be a long, complicated hassle (hard work) without a worthwhile result (a waste of time):  This fear can come about when you’ve had a lot of stubborn struggles which get nowhere. 
* Fear of losing, or having to give up something important:  You or your partner might be reluctant to discuss an issue because one of you suspects you might be wrong, and doesn’t want to admit it or give up a bad habit.
*Fear that a new approach won't go well or work at all:  When you’re making changes in how you talk to each other, especially if it doesn’t work well when it’s brand new, you might be resistant to trying again.
Each of these fears, and any others that might come up, can be discovered, communicated and reassured, and the following guidelines will show you how.

Do’s and Don’ts for Reassuring Each Other: 
*DO: Gently let your partner know that you think he or she is avoiding a conversation, by mentioning what you observe:  “When I asked if you wanted to talk, you said yes, but then you disappeared.  Are you reluctant to talk about this?”
*DON’T: Criticize or accuse your partner.  What you observed could be wrong, so ask your partner if your guess is correct, and he or she is reluctant to negotiate.
*DO: Ask for an appointment to talk again. 
*DON’T: Accuse your partner of being afraid to talk; just acknowledge your own fears, if you have any.   Perhaps your fear is that he or she won’t talk to you.
*DON’T: Deny your own behavior.  If you argued in the past, acknowledge it, and explain what is different now: “You're right, we did get angry and yell before, but we both realize that doesn't work, and we’re learning a new way.”
*DO: Make some agreements about what to do if your discussion becomes a problem. “If this starts to be difficult, we’ll take a break.” Knowing that you have a strategy to take care of yourselves if things don't go right will give you the additional confidence to talk.
*DO: Reassure each other.  Make an agreement that you will honor each other’s opinions, play fair and seek a mutually satisfactory outcome.  Let your friend or partner know that you care about his or her wants and needs.
*DO: Agree to do whatever you can to create a pleasant experience with a desirable result.  Knowing how to reassure each other will enhance your communication, your intimacy and your sexual connection. In chapter four, you’ll learn how to make transitions, which will further enhance your communication and intimacy.  

Adapted from How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: why do I always have sex on the first date?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm trying to find out why I always have sex on the first date. This is not to say that I have sex with every girl I date, or even that every girl I've gone out with has even been interested in me. It is simply to say that the overwhelming majority of my "situations" have been one date situations, for whatever reason and on the occasions that the woman is interested in me, we usually end up having sex.

To make matters worse (or more clear), I can meet someone on Thursday, call her on Friday, and usually by the end of that conversation we're talking about sex and she's ready to go at it, even if we were talking about politics at the beginning of the conversation. In the end, one of two things usually happens:

1: I have sex and never see the girl again (even if I call), or

2: I never see the girl again and never have sex with her (even if I call).

This is both a serious compliment to me (who doesn't want to be sexy?) and a serious impediment as I'd like to actually get to know one of these women and find someone decent to have a relationship with. However, without knowing how to prevent the sex and/or the running away (on the occasions that the woman is interested but decides not to pick up the phone ever again) from happening, it is proving difficult to figure out the cause and thus prevent it from happening.

Asking the women hasn't yielded any answers, nor has asking the few female friends I have left. One did mention that she thought my intelligence might be a problem for most women... then she became attracted to me and I never saw her again... others have mentioned that I have a sexy speaking voice... but nothing I feel that can really help me out. Do you have any ideas?

Dear Reader:

I think you must be, consciously or not, leading the conversation to sex. It's probably a habit you have developed over years, and it works for you to some degree, so you aren't really aware of it. You're right. Sex on the first date almost always means it's a one-night stand. So, if you want a real, lasting relationship, you've got to learn to say "later;"  postpone sex until at least the fourth or fifth date. and give both of you a chance to get to know each other.

My guess is the women don't take you seriously. They think you're a player, you're using them, and they decide to just have sex with you (or not) to use you for their pleasure, but they don't want to see you again, because they don't believe you'll be faithful. You may have developed an unconscious habit of leading the conversation to sex, which makes you look like a player to the women. Therefore, they decide there's no possibility of a relationship, so they either decide to have a one-night stand or to forget it.

To change the habit, you have to decide to wait until at least the third or fourth date to have sex, and to monitor your conversation style to remove sexual hints and invitations. This is not so easy to do, but it can be done. You have to begin with a conversation with yourself, about what you want right now, and what you want for real.  "Asking for What You Want" will show you the difference between immediate gratification (one night stand) and long-term satisfaction (relationship.)

Understand which one you're going for. If you just want a quickie, fine, there's nothing wrong with it. But, know it means the relationship will go no farther. Usually, it's too difficult to figure out if you want a real relationship on one date, so that's why I say have at least four or five dates, to give you an idea of who this woman is, and whether you'd like a real relationship with her.

Do different things on your dates than you've been doing. Do your usual dates involve drinking? This lowers inhibitions, and makes sex more likely. Do you invite women home with you, or go to their home? That also increases the odds that you'll have sex right away. Instead, take a date somewhere different. Avoid bars. Try a little neighborhood restaurant, and limit yourself to a glass of wine.

For a second date, invite the woman to take a walk somewhere (a nice park, a zoo, a museum) or take her to a ball game (the local college game is cheaper than a pro game, and usually more fun.) Figure out what you're interested in, and try sharing that. If the two of you have similar interests, you're more likely to be compatible.

Perhaps you need to change where you're finding women in the first place: my article "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will give you some new ideas.   Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has more ideas on how to make your dating more successful.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I need your help fast!

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am so happy I could find someone like you to talk to. I am a regular guy and I use your articles for my relationship and it has really helped me. But I am sending you this mail because I need your assistance and i need it fast.

The problem is I have a very hot temper and it is always affecting me when me and my spouse argue. We love each other and understand each other but she is always doing things that gets me upset and then it leads to anger. She gets carried away with friends easily and she forgets what we have to do sometimes or even forgets to call me till I call. She says she's sorry but she does it all the time.

Things like this makes me get angry but the more I try to control it she does the same thing again . What can I do to control my anger and make my relationship work out?

Dear Reader:

The first thing you get wrong is that you think because something makes you angry, you are entitled to throw a temper tantrum. This is wrong. You can learn to control your temper, stay rational, and ask for what you want. Don't be so proud of your hot temper. It's a big problem, and it will eventually get you in trouble, if it hasn't already.

Your spouse doesn't listen to you because she has learned to shut you out. She probably feels that nothing she does is right anyway, so why bother to try and please you? "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will help you and your wife  learn how to negotiate and make agreements that you can both keep. "Anger -- Cleansing Squall or Hurricane" will show you how  to keep your anger under control, and "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" will show her how to make promises she can keep about time. "How Not to Fight" will teach you how to relate better to each other, and  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will help you both understand how to negotiate and communicate effectively.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: How do I make him understand?

Dear Dr. Romance:

How do I make him understand? So my soon-to-be-ex is still in the house as well as myself! This is not working! He keeps trying to make things better, but I don't feel anything for him anymore. He has been better to me but is still very rude to our son and says hurtful things to him! He also says rude things about teammates on my sons ball team and doesn't think he is being rude and doesn't care if other people hear what he says! I can no longer deal with this! I'm tired of feeling bad about myself and I'm ready to have a life for me ! Now how do I make him understand it is over with out feeling bad when his tears start fallen? He says he don't want to lose me but we have had these problems for several years and he never changes and I just want to be happy and only worry about my sons and my feelings and work on being happy once again! 

Dear Reader:

This is what I wish more women understood about their men. You can't just say he's doing it wrong, you have to act it out. By the time most women are fed up enough to actually act on their frustration, it's too late for him to change. Many men will change if you make it clear to them that bad behavior will not be tolerated. When you see the tears, tell him he must go to counseling, and go with him to the first session, to tell the therapist what the problems are (because he doesn't get it). Do this even if you wouldn't take him back if he changed into the world's best husband. Do it for your sons, and your future connections with this man. You will be connected to him for life through your children. If he's convinced you're divorcing him, he will be much more likely to get that he has a problem. Up til now, he thinks the problem is yours; he probably thinks you're a whiny bitch, and doesn't see his own behavior at all. Hold his feet to the fire, and feel good about doing it. It's high time someone made him grow up. "Gentle Persistence" and "Asking for What You Want" will help you know how to get your point across.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a good therapist.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition has exercises and guidelines you can use to learn how to communicate even with an uncooperative partner.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance: Improving Relationships between parents and stepchildren

Ah, the ugly step parent, celebrated and villainized in fairy tales. Do you have to take on the role?  "Dr. Romance" licensed psychotherapist and author, says you don't, and shows you how to manage to be the kind of step-parent that causes your children to say "My step-parent was the best thing that ever happened to our family."

Dr. Romance’s 4 tips to smoother step-parenting

1. Give your blended family a chance to bond. Don’t worry if everyone doesn’t settle in right away; bonding takes time. Hopefully, you all got to know each other before you moved in together, but the transition to living comfortably together can take time.

2. Have family meetings weekly. Give everyone (kids, too) a chance to share how they feel, what they like and don’t like, and ask them to share both positive and negative opinions. Invite suggestions about how to make things better. Shared times, such as mealtimes, are important -- but each person needs a break, too. Don’t allow the schedule to be too busy -- plan some time off.

3. Get on the same parenting page. Mom and Dad need to work out parenting methods, rewards, punishments, chores, allowances, bedtimes, homework, etc. Each of your single-parent families is unique, and everyone has to adjust to change. Transition is much easier if the parents are in agreement. If something happens you haven’t discussed, just defer to one parent, and work it out later. If you allow the kids to create discord between you, they’ll jump on it right away, and make your lives miserable.

4. If you have shared custody with one or more outside parents, resolve any conflicts with them right away – ex-spouse struggles can become disasters. You’ll all be connected for life. Help the children transition from one household to another by “debriefing” when they come home. “How was your visit?” Then talk about the system at your house.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together  will give you more information and strategies for creating a happy family life.  

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't want to leave without saying goodbye

Dear Dr. Romance,

I have developed feelings for my co-worker and during the past several months, we have had very brief encounters, that were limited to greetings. Due to the small work place, I could not go and talk comfortably to him without eliciting attentions/rumors. I will be leaving my job at the end of this week to start grad school and really want to talk to him for the last time. I just want to say goodbye and say if he ever wants to keep in touch he can contact me. I was thinking about leaving a note on his car but I am not sure whether it's appropriate. Would you please please help me with this dilemma? I really don't want to leave without saying goodbye : (

Dear Reader:

Your leaving is the perfect opportunity to give this connection a chance. He's unmarried, right? However, I don't think a note on his car is a good idea. Do you know his phone extension at work? If you do, call and (if he doesn't answer) leave him a message, identify yourself so he'll know who is talking, and say you just want to say goodbye, and thank him for something (even if it's something small, like his friendly greetings.) Say you wish you could have gotten to know him better, leave your number or extension and hang up.

The message shouldn't take more than 15 seconds. Don't ramble on -- make a note of what you want to say, and say it with a smile in your voice. If he answers, then say it in person, but don't hang up -- give him a chance to respond, but don't keep him talking. It's better to give him the idea that you're interested, then back off. If you know his e-mail at work, you can do it that way, too. Just say the same thing. If the only thing you can do is leave a note, I guess it's OK, but it's tacky and won't leave as good an impression. Good luck. You wasted a chance on this, and you should change your approach in the future. "Turn on Your Charm"  will help you develop a way to get men more interested in you.  "Where is Love?" and "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"  will get you on the right track to find someone who can be a real partner. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has just what you need to make dating successful.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Why is my ex still calling me?

Dear Dr. Romance:  

I was dating this guy for about 2 years. During the time that we were together we had some good times and bad. For one he was cheating on me with another girl then we got back together. During that time we worked hard to make the relationship work then I found out that he was sleeping with someone else. When I found this out, I finally left him alone.

After our break up he has moved in with another female and he is constantly calling me at least once or twice a week. Put it this way he will call to see how I am doing, what I am up to, he will call and ask me for advice, or he will talk about what he is up to and the changes he has made in his life. I have told him since he has a girlfriend to leave me alone and not to call me anymore. He has stated that he wants to be friends, I told him no and that he needs to be friends with his new girlfriend not me. He would also deny the fact that he was living with someone else but I knew he was. Sometimes I answer and sometimes I don't.

There has been times when I don't answer the phone he will call my house phone. He is constantly begging me for sex but I always tell him no. Today he called me and he wanted me to meet him down the street because he wanted to see me. I went (I probably shouldn't have). During this time he was asking me about was I in a new relationship and things such as if I get horny. Every time he has called me and has wanted to meet up and have sex I have told him no. He has also been asking my friends questions about me. Does this mean that he wants me back or he just wants me for sex?

I also told him that I might be moving out of town. He told me if I did he was coming with me. I told him he wasn't and what about his girlfriend he said he would leave her. I am so confused, I still care for this guy even after all the things he has done to me. But I refuse to let him know it. When he does call I'm like what do you want and to leave me alone but he still continues to call ( I try to be hard like I don't care). When he do call me he calls me restricted. I never contact him and I don't ask his friends or family about him. Please provide me with some advice with what to do. Does he realize that he wants me back or what?

Dear Reader:

This guy doesn't want a monogamous relationship with anyone. He wants someone to be there for him, and have everything else he wants, too. Your feelings are not considered. So, don't waste another moment on him. Block his calls and e-mails, unfriend him from Facebook, get rid of him. Don't wait for him to do it -- he won't. He'd love to have you for backup, when he feels like cheating on whomever he's with now. But, there's nothing in that for you. Stop projecting your feelings on to him. The fact that he's calling doesn't mean he cares. You need to learn judgment about the guys you date. "You Be the Judge" and "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will help you understand the difference between someone who cares and someone who just wants to use you. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you establish relationships on a more equal basis.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I think I'll be eternally grateful

 Thank you Dear Dr Romance:

I've stumbled across your website, and think I'm going to be eternally grateful for having done so. Your advice is a pleasure to read, with helpful action-plans for effecting change. I love your articles on relationships with parents/children, being one's own best friend, and asking for things. If you have written anything about self-motivation and getting past procrastination, I'd be extremely grateful if you could point me in that direction. Very best wishes. Thank you.

Dear Reader:

Thank you so much for your wonderful email. It definitely made my day. I am always glad to hear that the information I make available has helped someone.  To answer your question,  "Motivation and How to Create It" will show you how to create motivation, "Getting Out of Your Own Way" can help you stop procrastinating,  "Detox Your Life" gives you great action-plans for whatever is in your way and "Four Steps to Success" are simple steps to get what you want. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction is a more complete package of information and exercises to help you overcome issues that disrupt your life and peace.  You'll love the diagrams that help you understand how belief systems are formed and reinforced; and also how to change the old habits and patterns that you have outgrown.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com