Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dr. Romance on The One Who Got Away

When Dr. Romance was a girl, growing up in the small township of Rockland, New York, there was a tiny post office, which was a small room with a separate entry in the house next door. Rockland’s official postmistress was Clara Weiss, who seemed very elderly even when I was a very small child. She was what we used to call a “maiden lady” or spinster, who had dedicated her life to taking care of her mother, who was disabled, and also not quite balanced. Mrs. Weiss had one leg, and frequently escaped from the house and crawled around the yard, yelling strange things. Clara, as you might suppose, did not have much of a social life. After her mother died, and Rockland lost its tiny post office (we had to go into the slightly larger town of Roscoe, a mile away) Clara went to work in the central post office, about 20 miles away. There, she met a co-worker, and when she was 73 years old, I remember that we gave her a bridal lingerie shower. It really is never too late to fall in love. Clara moved away to live with her husband, and they had about 10 good years together.

A number of years ago, a friend and former student of Richard’s, who was in her 70's reconnected with an ex whose marriage proposal she had rejected in her 20's, because he had a drinking problem. In the intervening years, they both married other people, had children and full lives. Fifty years after their first romance, when both were widowed, he tracked her down, she went down to San Diego to meet him for lunch, and didn’t return for a week. They, too, married, and had some happy years together.

A very dear friend of mine, who lives in another city and has been divorced for many years, has been living happily for a several years with the man she met in college and decided not to marry. They had each married other people, had children, divorced years ago and reconnected last year. They are happy together.

In addition to these stories of reconnected love, I often see clients in my practice who get back together after breaking up or divorcing. In fact, some couples come to me after they have broken up several times because of fighting and disagreements, but something always pulls them back together. Surprisingly enough, many people do start dating again after they've divorced or split up. I believe in the power of love, and if your heart is yearning; It’s fine to reach out to a first or former love; as long as you do it properly.

You may never have really resolved the old relationship satisfactorily, or one or both of you may have matured and become a more suitable candidate for a relationship. Lots of people find out they appreciate each other more after they've been apart for a while. Also, as I said, I've seen a number of couples re-connect joyously much later in life, after having marriages and families with other partners.

It depends on how accurate your memory is, and how good or bad the reality feels. If it's good, then you really think it was love at first sight. If it's bad, you are left with what was I thinking? It's very easy to idealize someone you've never known well; the reality never impinges on the fantasy, so the ideal person doesn't tarnish. You remember a rosy picture of perfection. That's difficult to let go of, if you never get a reality check.

Can this really work, or will it just fall apart again? Here’s how to see if you and your ex can make it work.

Dr. Romance’s Guidelines for Improving the Odds with your Ex

* Consider seeing a therapist on your own, to get expert help to decide if you’re searching for this old love for the right reasons; and to help you get some perspective on what might need to be corrected.
* Make a careful first contact: strictly Hi, how are you doing? For example, if you see the old love on Facebook, try sending a message and asking to be friends. Don't say anything about still having feelings. Your old love may very well be married now, or even gay. You need to find out what's going on before making a move.
* Be aware whether forgiveness is needed. Did you hurt this person's feelings way back in college? Were you hurt? Old, unresolved feelings can hang around a long time, and erupt when you least expect it.
* If you get a positive response, go very slowly. Rushing into things means you’re trying to avoid some truths. If it’s going to work, it will go better if you take the time to build a better foundation than you had before.
* Treat it like a new relationship. Start from the beginning, and do it differently -- it could work this time.
* Analyze what went wrong the last time, and consciously try to fix the old problems. If you cannot talk honestly about what went wrong and what to do differently, you’ll never change anything.
* Make sure your ex is as determined to improve on the old relationship as you are. If he or she is blaming you for everything that went wrong, disaster is immanent. If you’re blaming your ex, it’s just as big a problem.
* Insist on couples therapy for both of you. Pre commitment therapy can help you find out the pitfalls and whether you’ve solved the old problems.

After all this, you might still find it’s too late to remedy the problem that led to the breakup. You may discover you’re clinging to a fantasy that is not supported by reality. If you try to re-kindle an old love, and it doesn’t work, then you’re faced with letting go – again.

You might even have the urge to try harder because breaking up finally gets through the denial and the fantasy that behaving badly or not cooperating is OK. We also have a lot of cultural mythology about I'll never stop loving you which says clinging and martyring to this lost love means you are truly in love. But clinging to an impossible lost love is unrealistic.

You must understand that a relationship is a partnership, and requires work from both partners in order to succeed. The initial romance stage isn't supposed to last, the relationship is supposed to grow into a real life partnership, and that requires paying attention, learning and growth. It's not a fairy tale-- it's a real life love story, and well worth the work required. If you give nothing, you get nothing. Love is something we create by working together, and one person can’t force it.

Clinging to a lost love can turn toxic: persisting in showing up at your ex's house, calling or showing up at work, threatening physical harm, calling your ex’s family and friends, or otherwise interfere with his or her life, will not only push your ex away, it is illegal in many states, and defined as stalking. Sometimes, clinging is encouraged, wittingly or unwittingly, by an ex who doesn't really want to be with you, but who either doesn't want to 'hurt you' or is still getting benefits (financial help, sex without commitment, you do the laundry, you're willing to take the kids more than your share) that he or she doesn't want to jeopardize. But this one-sided arrangement will not make you happy, and it’s probably time to move on.

Once you're bonded with someone, it's very painful to let go. Since most of us like to avoid our feelings, we don't want to do the grieving that's necessary to let go. But, when you've had a loss, there are a certain number of tears you must cry to let go -- getting on with the crying is the fastest way. Also, the dissolution of the relationship might not have been your idea, so you're clinging to a dream -- in denial. And letting go is the path to finding the love you want.

I wish you love – whether it is rekindled, or you move on and create something brand new.

Excerpted from How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't have the strength to file for divorce

 Dear Dr. Romance,

I have been separated for almost 2 years now but don't have the strength  to file for divorce. In part this is because I feel bad (I decided to  separate because I was unhappy) and he has no immediate family in the US,  but also because of our daughter (her Christmas wish last year was "that mom and dad be together again"). I don't think I love him any more but I  certainly care about him because he is a good person overall. He has  improved a lot but unfortunately I think this came too late to save the  relationship. I think he is still hopeful although he never said anything  (this is part of the problem, he is never pro-active). And it is breaking my heart to know how much my daughter wants us to be together again - I am  worried that I am wrecking her life. What should I do???

Dear Reader:

I'm also worried that you're wrecking your daughter's life for no good reason. It takes work to build a marriage, and it sounds like you just opted out without seeing if you could solve the problems.  "I don't think I love him any more." is not a good excuse for destroying your family.  Long-term marital love must be built -- it doesn't just happen.  If he's a good person, but somewhat passive, and he's already improved, why don't you try improving, too?  Start your new year by re-starting your marriage.  You can show him how to be pro-active. The two of you can get counseling for your marriage, read books, figure out how to work better together.  You have to create your happiness, it doesn't just happen to you.

"Asking for What You Want", "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" and "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" will get you started on rebuilding this marriage. How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will give you a new definition of marriage that is more successful.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: She makes me feel like I'm worthless

Dear Dr. Romance:

I was reading an article that you have written and it caught my attention. I'm in an relationship where the lady is older then me. it started off great then six months later its like reality hit hard, i love this lady so much she makes me feel like I don't have a care in the world. then sometimes she makes me feel like I'm worthless. i think our biggest problems consist of where she has two kids and that I cant provide like I should be able to, she is 26 and I'm 20. please tell me what i should do, your my last life line. thank you and have a blessed day, 

Dear Reader: 
You are both pretty young to be saddled with so much responsibility. Your lady friend is probably stressed about finances, and when she's worried, she takes it out on you.  Your age difference is not too great for your relationship to succeed, but you need to be sure you're acting like an adult, taking as much responsibility as you can, being helpful to her and creating a partnership with her to make it work.  She already has two kids, she doesn't need you acting like a third kid, being needy and demanding her attention.   "Asking for What You Want" and "Stop Reacting and Start Relating"  can help you learn to solve problems without fighting,  How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together is exactly the book you both need to learn how to build a successful relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: My parents do not agree with the relationship at all

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read "Age Differences in Dating". I am 20 and in a mature, very passionate and understanding relationship with a man in his mid forties. I met him at work and we have been together almost a year. My parents do not agree with the relationship at all and have told me they don't want me apart of their family if I stay with him and can never accept it. I was hoping you may have some advice on how to ease the subject on them once more. 

Dear Reader:
Your parents are worried for your well-being and safety, and they probably don't trust a fortysomething old man who'd date a 20 year old. They may have a point.  What they're trying to do is pressure you not to date him, which probably won't work anyway.  Just please be careful, go very slowly in this relationship, and make sure you're not being used.  Once your parents see that the two of you are serious, that he's not a married man who's using you, and that your relationship is aboveboard and honest, they'll probably relax. In the meantime, let them know that you love them, too, and you'll take good care of yourself.  Read my articles "Coping with Critics"  at which will help you deal with your parents, and "Stupid Cupid" which will help you make sure your relationship succeeds.  You'll get a lot of help and support from How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free , which is designed to help any couple create a healthy, successful relationship, even if the people around them disapprove. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: What behavior does a control freak have?

 Dear Dr. Romance:

 I recently read "Could He/She be a Control Freak?"   and I suddenly  found information that seemed to pertain to a failed marriage that I was still pondering about.  I am wondering, if a person had a chaotic  childhood and teens growing up, like you mentioned, do those types of people blame others for things?   Do they say the other person is the controller?  Do they not see any responsibility on their part for things   and only blame others?  Could they easily become upset and lock themselves in their room and maybe not speak to you for a day or so?
 
 Just curious about the types of behaviors control freaks may have.

 Dear Reader:

Yes, these actions sound like the survivor of a chaotic childhood.  For this person, it's really important to blame someone else, to deflect the ensuing storm from him-or herself.  The problem with this person is, the traumatized child from the past is still running the show.  At the least upset, the person reverts to early childhood, and reacts in the same way he or she did then.

Because the early trauma is not resolved or healed, the person lives as though the childhood chaos could come back at any minute. Thus, the traumatized person tries to control the environment (including others in proximity,)  is hyper-vigilant (ultra alert for impending doom) and emotionally over-reactive.  "Mirrors and Teachers" shows you a simple way to handle these people better, "Self Control: Who’s in Charge Here?" explains the difference between controlling others and yourself.   It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction,  will explain controlling and other types of dysfunction  more thoroughly, and is designed to help heal early trauma. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected] 

Dr. Romance on: The Power of Politeness

Dr. Romance  writes:

Politeness and sensitivity are not held in high esteem in the media these days.  The nastiest politicians get the most air time.  Many media spokespeople, stars and commentators, crazy fascist militias, nasty radio talk show stars and “edgy” comedians; as well as personalities like the judges on talent reality shows and certain game show hosts achieve success by putting people down and making fun of them.   Sports are now about doping and winning at all costs, and the old ideals of sportsmanship seem to be lost.

 

Yet, recently I notice the people who have always been kind and pleasant, like talk show host Ellen Degeneres seem to have succeeded anyway. Could it be, after all, that being polite might win out over being “in your face” and  “edgy”?

 

There’s no accounting for media taste, it seems to sink to the lowest common denominator at least as often as it rises above the average.  But, in your personal life, politeness, consideration and caring will always be more successful than any other way of treating others. 

 

Politeness and consideration are powerful.  We all want to be liked, to be cared about and to be treated gently.  We’re human, so we don’t always succeed in behaving our best.  But, the more kindness and consideration we send out, the more returns to us. 

 

Rules of etiquette exist because to create civilization, we need boundaries.  The rules of polite behavior may sometimes feel restrictive, but when people use them, they make new and awkward situations more comfortable.  Etiquette is just a prescribed way of being polite and considerate to others.  As we get to know each other better, we can relax the rules, but keeping the attitudes of consideration and respect guarantees a more successful connection.

                                   

 

Guidelines for being better understood.    

 

1, Seek first to understand.  If you know  the other person’s frame of reference, you can speak to him/her within it.

2. Pay attention to how your words are landing.  If your companion's response looks off the mark for what you said, check out what he/she is hearing....

 

3.  Switch from problem to solution as quickly as possible.  Focus on the problem only long enough to understand it – then move your attention to finding a solution that would work for everyone, rather than who's right or wrong.

 

4. Separate emotion from solution.  If one or both of you are upset, irrational or reactive, you aren't communicating.  Take a break and try again in a few minutes, when both of you have calmed down.

 

5. Don't beat dead horses.  If you've been over the same ground several times with no forward movement, get some help. An objective third party can work wonders.

 

6. Be nice. Strive to create a cooperative atmosphere, and consider the other person’s feelings.

 

7.  Remember, “what goes around, comes around” and consider how you’d like to be treated before reacting to someone else.

(Adapted From It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction © 2014 Tina B. Tessina )

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I do not feel like having sex

Dear Dr. Romance:

How are you ? I read your article "Is Dating Scary? Here’s what to do"

I have a question. I am separated since three years and seems like will get divorce in 3 to 4 months. I have a 3 year old kid and my delivery involved 4th degree tear with perineal tear.

My face and figure is still beautiful but Now I have stretch marks on hips breast and I have this low-esteem as I have bit of urine leakage now and then as an after affect of 4th degree tear . Also my vagina looks weird and feels  loose.

I do not feel confident about new relationship . I feel insecure and feel like no one will love me. I do not feel like having sex. 

In short I am deliberately not looking for new relationship as do not want to get hurt. Any suggestions?

Dear Reader:

You are not a kid any more, so you need to look for a more grown-up relationship.  You need someone who will be a good match for a grown woman with a child.  Start by making adult friends.  Join groups of parents with children, or join a community organization.  There you'll make friends who care about you, not because you're beautiful, but because you're a caring human being.  Before long, someone will stand out as special, and also think you are special.  You will already know something about this person, from being around him for a while at the group, so it will be easier to establish a connection.  "10 Reasons For Not Falling in Love" "Where is love", "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" and "True Beauty: Honor the God or Goddess in You"  will help you overcome your reluctance to get to know new people and find the love you want.  The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will show you how to re-evaluate your self-image and your life.

Your vaginal problems may be correctible with medical help.  Please ask your doctor.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Is quitting the right thing to do?

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I need your advice. at my workplace when I was hired one of the colleague asked me what is your age I remember casually I said I am 38 ,I did not even had a hint of what was going on. after a month people were celebrating some bodies birthday and then I came to know that they write every bodies age on a calendar and they celebrate the milestone(10's) ,that sent me into spin; now this year as per calendar I am 40 but really 41 and some how I happen to avoid the celebration and took vacation but when I came back right after 2 weeks I was surprised they arranged my 40th ,I am feeling so embarrassed and hurt you don't have a imagination, I had no idea a casual answer will land me into this situation, now I don't feel like eating or going to work neither I want to quit this job, this is vey good job. people can really see the disappointment on my face also It is not easy to admit this  stupidity it really will hurt my image what do you suggest to help me. I am very down to earth, humble person. I have learnt my lesson. Is there any way out of this mess, is quitting is right thing to do?
 
Dear Reader:

I understand that you are embarrassed that you said you were one year younger than you are, but I don't see why it's such a big problem.  What is hurtful about this? You're making a very big deal out of a small problem.  Either decide to tell the person who arranges the birthday celebrations that the date is off by one year, or let it go.  It will be nine more years before the topic comes up again, and you might not even be there.  It's only a mistake, not a crime.  Of course it's not necessary to quit your job.  It's up to you whether you correct the mistake or not.  No one will be upset.  Please read my article "Your Primary Relationship"  which will help you to take better care of yourself.

You might also like It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction which will help you understand how you got so self-conscious, and build your self esteem. 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth will help you improve your happiness and build your self-worth.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I've been going crazy this past week and I needed help.

 Dear Dr. Romance:
   I've been going crazy this past week and I needed help.  I won't tell you my life story but I just wanted to tell you that the Tips for Happiness articles on your page gave me a lot of the tools I KNEW I needed.  The problem is that I've had that "internal war" [ see: "Winning the War Within"] you described going on and I haven't been able to figure out where to start to get myself better. Anyhow, there's too much to explain and I'm sure you're a busy woman, I just wanted to send you a quick and huge THANK YOU for putting your wisdom out there for everyone to benefit from. God Bless you.

Dear Reader:

Many thanks for writing.  It's good to hear that my writing has been helpful to you. You might want to try reading  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction.  It will help you control the chaos in your life and understand why you're at war with yourself, and what to do about it.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance on Less Talk, More Action

Dr. Romance writes:

Those of you who have read my articles know that I am always talking about the importance of good communication, urging better communication, and giving skills for being better understood. Communication is one of the most important aspects of relationships; positive and negative. However, talk is not necessarily communication; and there are lots of non-verbal ways to communicate.

Most of my clients waste a lot of time and energy, and develop resentment by making big announcements about things If you don't start picking up your clothes, I'm going to send them to Good Will If you won't help me, I'll do it myself “If I ever catch you cheating, I’ll leave” or the classic, We need to go to counseling.

I am all for good communication, but if you've tried to communicate, and it's not working, it's time to adopt the Nike slogan and "Just Do It".

My beloved Richard loves to tell this story of his parents: His mom said to his dad: "Wouldn't it be nice to remove this wall and make the living room bigger?" His Dad just sort of grunted assent. When he came back to the house from working on the farm the next day, she had taken a sledgehammer and smashed a big hole in the wall, which meant they had to finish the job.

Richard likes to laugh about that, because it shows what a dynamo his mother was, and that she'd get done whatever needed doing. He also says he's careful what he says yes to, because he knows I'm going to follow up on it.

Whining, complaining, nagging and making snide comments are not the same as asking for what you want. Yelling, pouting, temper tantrums and hissy fits are also not effective communication. If you think your partner won't or can't work with you, these techniques are useless, and usually make the problem worse. Fighting about something over and over is an excellent indication that you’re not effectively communicating.

There’s an effective technique/skill that will work in these situations: Ask directly for what you want; then, if you’re not getting any cooperation, you can bypass all the struggle, hassle and arguing: Stop talking about it and just solve the problem.

This is probably the most powerful encouragement for your partner to join in and agree to negotiate, because he or she does not get to be part of the solution, and loses the power to stop or stall you. This is not done in a spirit of: "OK, you won't negotiate, so I'll show you," but in a spirit of "I understand that you don't want discuss this, so I'll have to solve it for myself, as best I can. When you are ready to cooperate and negotiate, I'll be available." I have written about this before, as a technique called “solve it for yourself.” The emphasis here is on don’t keep talking about it; just solve it for yourself.

There are several benefits to this approach:
* It is liberating to assert yourself on your own behalf and to realize you don't have to have your partner's participation to be satisfied, yet you also don’t have to shut him or her out, or be unkind.

* You no longer have the problem you were concerned about.

* You can still have a good, loving, relationship, because you have shut your partner out (the option to negotiate is always open) and you aren't feeling frustrated, angry and deprived.

* It takes the pressure off your partner, and increases the likelihood that he or she will relax and be less defensive and more interested.

* It prevents you from being helpless and frustrated, so you are more able to welcome your partner's cooperation when he or she offers it.

The key to solving the problem instead of repeatedly talking about it is a belief that there is a satisfactory solution. Caring about your partner's wants and needs (as well as your own) is central to cooperation, but you cannot effectively meet your partner's needs without his or her help. When your partner refuses to help solve the problem, you have no choice but to focus on doing it alone until you get cooperation. As long as you offer every opportunity to cooperate and you extend an invitation to your partner to join you whenever he or she wishes, you are free to focus your attention on solving the problem for yourself. If you try to please your partner at your own expense, there is no chance for both of you to be satisfied. Once you’ve tried to cooperate without getting support, the best solution is a course of action that puts you in control of your well-being and separates you from the effect of your partner’s resistance.

The following steps ensure you can be sure you've given your partner ample opportunity to cooperate, and you're not overreacting.

Guidelines For Solving It Yourself

1. Be sure you've made a thorough attempt to negotiate. Don’t go to Solving it for Yourself until you’ve made an honest effort to engage your partner in negotiation; not just fighting.

2. Tell your partner what you are doing. State clearly that you have attempted to negotiate the problem, that your assessment is that your partner doesn't want to work on it, that you would prefer to work on it together, but that you've decided what you are going to do about it on your own. You might want to say you’re sad to have to do this, and you’re protecting what's good about the relationship. It’s very important to be able to do this calmly and definitely.

3. Invite your partner to negotiate at any time. Say that you are going to follow your own solution, but that you are open to discussing it at any time. This is your open invitation to negotiate, which keeps it from becoming become a power play.

4. Communicate your good will. Let your partner know that you value him or her and the partnership, and you don't like having to make unilateral decisions, but you feel you have no choice, because your partner won’t work on it with you.

5. Be sure your solution solves the problem for you, even if you think your partner may not like it. If the solution works for both of you, the problem is solved, and needs no further discussion. if your partner is not satisfied with your solution, he or she has already been invited to negotiate, and being left out is a powerful incentive. To get a different perspective, imagine what you would do about the problem if your partner weren't part of it. What would you do if your best friend were involved? Considering a relationship problem from the vantage point of a single person often points out places where you're being needlessly dependent.

Hopefully, you will seldom need to solve a problem without your partner's cooperation, but knowing you can solve the problem for yourself and still leave the door open to your partner's participation means you can remain calm and gentle in the face of a partner's reluctance to cooperate. You don’t have to wait for a reluctant partner to do it with you, as long as you let your partner know what you’re doing in advance.
This will certainly be better for your relationship than feeling frustrated, angry and taken advantage of. These skills create an atmosphere of cooperation between people, and lead to negotiation that satisfies everyone involved.

From: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I am determined to make a better life for myself no matter what happens to my marriage

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I happen to be going through an extremely difficult time in my life right now.  My husband was unfaithful during the time that I was "absent" from the marriage due to my mother dying from brain cancer.  Of course, there were problems long before this and this was just a major symptom of our problems.  We are trying to work it out, but we are two people with problems of our own as well as our joint problems.  We are both in individual therapy as well as couples therapy, but I am always open to other points of view.  I am struggling with self-esteem, self-confidence issues  right now, so I am anxious to read your book It Ends With You 

I am determined to make a better life for myself no matter what happens to my marriage...easier said than done....and I need all the help I can get.  I'm sure I will be reading your books and visiting your website often. 

Thank your for all your efforts to help people like me.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you had to experience the loss of your mother.  Congratulations on deciding to make your life work despite what anyone else does. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction is just the right book to help you. The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will help you reorganize your life and reestablish your priorities.

"Letting Go Takes Love" and "Why Couples Fall Out Of Love"  will help you find better balance in your relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I have been hit, controlled and manuipulated (by husband and in-laws)

Dear Dr. Romance: I am writing to you for some advice... I hope you can help.

I am the mother of 5 children, in my mid-thirties, and married for about 10 years. I have been abused for years. People I know tell me to fix my marriage that "You could've handled this better or that." I don't know.
That I have 5 children "why didn't you do something sooner? You're chances of finding another man will be basically 15% with 5 and that's keeping hopes high." So my mind is in shambles. I have been hit, controlled and manipulated (by husband and in-laws) since the first year of marriage ...I never told my family until a few years ago, when I ran away from him. I went back my family and i believed he was sincere in change....the change that occurred was the beatings stopped and I had a little more freedom. But he was not happy he felt taken advantage of (ex. if I went to buy milk or food more than twice a week at the big food store.) But we still had fights at least 3x a month. We are very similar but for some reason he places limitations on what i can or cannot do, or what i can say or think. He drives me crazy. Now after another 8 years I can't handle it anymore. He has begun to hit me again besides the constant put downs. I let him take me from the USA to Israel which was a big mistake on my part. I don't know what to do. I haven't worked since I was 18 . I have 5 children, one of whom (4 y) doesn't want to be with me and is with his father. I need help figuring this out. Sometimes I even consider going back. His father keeps telling me to go back. I know I won't be happy. Please help me out.

Dear Reader:

 Please don't go back to a man who beats and abuses you.  I agree that Israel was a big mistake on your part.  You haven't been thinking clearly or making good decisions for a long time. Your husband does not love you, he doesn't want a wife, he wants a slave.  He probably learned it from his father, so don't take his father's advice.  Will your family help you get back to the states?  You don't say how old your children are. I'm assuming, from the length of your marriage, most of them are in grade school.  You'll need help to get free. 

If you can get back to the states, you can call the  The National Domestic Violence Hotline  (1-800-799-SAFE)  , and go with your children to a woman's shelter.  There, you can get training in earning a living, and help taking care of your children. Israel may have something similar.   It's not going to be easy, but what you've been going through is not easy either.  Every day that you stay, your children are learning to be abusive like their father, or abused like you. 

If you manage to get away from him, he will promise to change, but don't believe him unless he goes to extensive therapy.  Once you get away, stay away for at least a year, no matter what he says.  In a year, you'll be able to see if he changes for real.  I don't think he will.  He's taken you to Israel so he can have more control.  Talk to your family, get them to help you come over here, (you can say it's just for a visit to your children's grandparents) and make a plan to get into a woman's shelter, so you don't have to be dependent on your family. Your family can also contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE)   to find out how to best help you.   "Family Violence Q & A"  tells you how to take care of yourself and your children. 

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will explain how violence and dysfunction are passed down in families and cultures and how to recover from it.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: he's a drug dealer and she says that's why she loves him.

Dear Dr. Romance:

My wife and I have been married for 17 yrs and we have a 14 yr old  daughter. My wife has stated to me that she is unhappily married and wants her own place.   I recently found hotel receipts, 1 day vacation cruise receipt, and  Facebook photos of my wife and her mate.

I am devastated, hurt, feel betrayed, angry. I do not really know what to  do as of now. She stated she wants a divorce and individual counseling for herself only.  Also, She stated she currently has strong feelings for the guy and she love him.

The guy is married and he have 1 additional girlfriend and my wife know of it. Most of all he's a drug dealer and she say that's why she love him. Can you please help me? I feel like a reject

Dear Reader:

It seems pretty obvious to me that your wife has a drug addiction, and that's what made her drug dealer look good to her. I hope your daughter will be staying with you, if her mother is on drugs.  I don't know where you live, but you should find an Al-Anon meeting and attend -- it's for the spouses of addicts.  You can find one at http://www.al-anon.org/

If I am right, and your wife is addicted, then all her thinking and choices are affected by the addiction.  Blaming yourself is not productive. What you need to focus on is building a good life for yourself and your daughter.  Hopefully, your wife will get help, come to her senses, get clean and sober, and come back, but you can't wait for that to happen. "Letting Go Takes Love"  and "Mirrors and Teachers" will help you find some clarity. The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs will help you understand how addiction works, and what your wife would need to do to get free of drugs.  Good luck to you and your daughter. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance On: The Tennis Match: How to Balance the Power in Your Relationship

Couples often contact Dr. Romance for counseling soon after they move in together, because they’re arguing about differences in design and life styles. Whose furniture to use, where to put it, who can use each room, or how to work out the division of labor. These squabbles are often symbolic and mask the real anxieties of the partners, which have to do with intimacy, space and closeness.

Partners who have trouble talking with each other about simple differences and can’t negotiate quickly become frightened that they won’t get their individual needs and wants met, and their fear causes them to become reactive and combative, so they argue rather than solve problems together.

Each person in a relationship has individual needs for closeness and personal space as well as needs to feel nurtured, understood and autonomous within a relationship. Individual people define their freedom in very different ways. Some want the freedom to be close and comforted; others want the freedom to be autonomous and unfettered.

Boundaries and Taking Space

When one of you doesn’t get enough space or enough closeness, you will begin to struggle within your relationship. One of you might feel unappreciated for being caring, while the other feels oppressed and smothered. One of you might be alert to your partner’s moods; often walking on eggshells not to upset him or her. The other might threaten to leave in order to get his or her way. One of you will want more together time while the other wants more space; and neither of you are satisfied with the compromise. Struggles like this lead to resentment, hurt and arguing.

When you struggle with a partner, the flow of love between you will be blocked -- even when you truly love one another. If you learn how to achieve balance and end the struggle, you’ll create the love and partnership you deeply treasure.

The Tennis Match: Volleying the Conversation, Balancing the Energy

Knowing and communicating what you want and what you feel are the basic skills for creating a mutually satisfying intimate relationship. I recommend the tennis match approach to help you understand and honor each other’s needs for space.

The tennis game approach is a flexible process that you can adapt to almost any situation. To keep your relationship in balance, especially if it’s new, neither you nor your partner should do all the calling, all the planning, all the talking, all the giving, and all the chasing. You can’t play tennis if only one of you is hitting the ball.

Instead, make a move to show the other person you’re interested in being close, then sit and wait for your partner to make a move in return. For example, make a phone call to invite him or her for coffee, or to join a group going to the movies, and then let him or her make the next invitation. This is like making a serve, then waiting for your partner to return it.

This is often difficult to do, because the natural tendency when you’re interested in someone is to be active. But being too assertive in the relationship may push the other person away, or may disguise a lack of enough interest on the other person’s part. Don’t keep hitting balls over the net if they’re not returned.

On the other hand, if you never hit the ball, but always wait for the other person to do it; you aren’t playing a very good tennis game, either. It’s essential that you do your part, because passivity is easily interpreted as a lack of interest, and can shut communication down. The tennis game metaphor is useful, because if you compare what has gone on in the relationship so far to a tennis game, you will quickly see if you’ve been either too passive or too aggressive.

The tennis match is so central to moving the relationship on to new levels that I’ve developed some guidelines you can use to show interest, understand and promote intimacy. Demonstrating that you are interested in what your partner is saying, and want to hear more, is essential.

Whether you’re online, on the phone, or face to face, you need to keep your conversation going back and forth — keeping the tennis match going in a balanced way.

Tennis Match: Guidelines for Understanding your Partner

* Take Turns: Leave room for your partner to open topics, to express opinion, to gather thoughts and express opinions. Don’t jump right in to a silence if it’s not your turn.
* Concentrate: Listen carefully to what your partner is saying — don’t wander off mentally into what you want to say next.
* Volley (Respond): After your partner says something, respond directly to it, letting him or her know that you heard and understood what was said, and, if possible that you have similar thoughts or experience.
* Don’t Argue: There is definitely a place for spirited discussion in good conversation, but be careful not to get too oppositional. Your objective is to establish understanding.
* Return the Serve: At the end of whatever you say, invite a response by adding “don’t you think?” or “What do you think?” or, make your response a question.
* Serve Again: If your partner drops the ball, ask a question about something that was said before, and give your partner plenty of time to express his or her opinion.

Let your partner know if you would like more space or more intimacy; and listen to the response. If you work together, you can achieve a good balance.

Adapted From: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I love her but I can't understand why she doesn't trust me

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I want to get your book How to Be Happy Partners because I heard great things about it.  I am a retired police officer who has never abused alcohol or been violent. Everyone but my wife says I have a great sense of humor.  I have 3 beautiful kids that I love and adore with all my heart. I love going places and doing things with the family since I retired and am being Mr. Mom. I unfortunately have a controlling lovely wife who I just can't deal with anymore. I love her but I can't understand why she doesn't trust me after 10 years of marriage.  If I get up in the middle of the night, she questions where I'm going. I tell her I'm going to France to use the bathroom and will be back in a few minutes. She's a nurse and I recently found her in an "Emotional Affair" with a doctor who is also Married. She was staying out late and one night I overheard her cell phone conversation.

I never confirmed this as being anything more then just an emotional affair, but it has affected me to the point that I want out.  I have never cheated on my wife but she has thrown stuff in my face about other women. I'm home with the kids all the time, cook, clean, drive the kids to dance, girl scouts, church etc., filling in as the mom, but it's never enough. Every time I leave the house I get questioned. 

Does she not trust me because I caught her and she is afraid I will do the same or even up the sides?   My kids are my life.  When we married we made a pledge that it was for life and no divorce was to ever happen.  I went to counseling for answers and she only went once with me. Our marriage  is not that important to my wife anymore. We are very lucky to not have financial problems.  I don't like to air my dirty laundry to my family because I don't want to hear them talk bad about my wife and the mother of my children and just don't know where to turn to. My friends will tell me "why do you put up with it?" and all I think about is my kids.     

Dear Reader:

Yes, your wife may be controlling you because of her own guilt. Perhaps she thinks you love the kids, but not her.   I understand that you're hurt and angry and you feel betrayed, but you have a family that is probably worth fighting for.  Why not try a different counselor to see if you can heal this problem and save your family.  Find a counselor who specializes in marriage counseling and healing from an affair.  Then, be upfront with your wife, and say if things don't improve, and she won't come to counseling with you, the marriage will wind up in divorce. She probably doesn't want that any more than you do.
 
It's clear you're very involved with your kids, but I wonder how the relationship and intimacy with your wife is going.  Perhaps she feels she can't talk to you, just as you feel you can't talk to her.  With some expert help, you can learn to talk to each other.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a counselor who can really help you, who will give you homework and put both of you on the spot when you're creating problems.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will help both of you re-connect and can teach you how to rebuild your marriage.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance; I am not sure if I should tell him how I feel.

Dear Dr. Romance

Five months ago  I started talking to a guy whom I had known at school many years ago. We are now adults. He is not married, both of us have never been married. We spent a weekend together just as old friends. Went walking, beach, dinner, shared the same room.

We talk to each other from time to time but on general issues. We chat on the phone or online. He had dinner three times at my house.  He is a hard working person. Spends a lot of time at the office. I do want to have a relationship with him. But I am not sure if I should tell him how I feel.

He knows that I am independent financially and have my own house.......... not sure if that may scare him.  He is a very decent and intelligent guy, and at my age I don't think I would find someone like him easily. But I am afraid if I tell him, then it would affect our friendship. Any advice would be appreciated.

Dear Reader:

Yes, I think you should tell him, but in small bits, not all at once.  Take your time, let the relationship build, and let him know how much you like spending time with him.  Don't be too eager, give him a little space, make him come after you a little bit.    "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  and "Guidelines for Relating With Love"  will help you move through the stages of dating and beginning a relationship. 

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you navigate the transition from friends to partners.

As things develop, read How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free together to develop a shared definition for your relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on The Freedom of Maturity

"And then, not expecting it, you become middle-aged... You achieve a wonderful freedom. It is a positive thing." -- Doris Lessing

Maturity or middle age means different things to different people, writes Dr. Romance, but for most, reaching a mature age means developing a new set of expectations. At mid-life, it is possible to view life from a new perspective. You have goals and aspirations yet to achieve, but you also realize you’re not getting younger. Maturity is a time for re-adjusting your focus, and getting your whole act together. If you do, you’ll remove the fear that comes with getting older, and open a new vista of freedom and opportunity for yourself.

Living in a Changing Society

People in mid-life have always undergone physical changes, but in our modern society we must cope with social changes as well. In our brave ace of technology and mobility, adults have, willingly or not, been pioneers of social and technological change. As a mature adult today, you have a lot of life experience, including experience in making your own decisions and the heavy responsibility that comes with that. You may be a single parent, self-employed, or a successful professional: someone who is forward-thinking and up-to-date with the technology. You have made decisions all your life, so why would you have trouble now? Because decision-making is not easy for anyone, regardless of experience. In my work, one of the most frequent questions I am asked is “How can I trust that my decisions are good ones?”

Even educated and aware people often hesitate when making both long-term and short-term decisions, and many are very uncomfortable being decisive at all. Too much stress can lead to stress, burnout, heart attacks and other physical and emotional problems. With new technology and conveniences, life is lived at a faster pace than it was for previous generations and it is much more complex than it was for our grandparents, or even our parents.

As a mature adult, you have an opportunity to re-think your priorities. If you have children, most likely they are growing up, and no longer need you as much as they did. You have been working long enough to feel settled and experienced in your career, and you probably can see, in your aging parents and relatives, that there will be a time when you won’t have the ability and opportunity you do now. If you are like the people I see in my practice, you are longing to express all the parts of yourself that have been neglected or ignored. Reaching maturity means asking: What is my life about? Is my career gratifying enough? How am I going to feel when I reach old age? Will I be satisfied with what I’ve done? These questions require a new kind of decision-making expertise.

You Can’t Predict the Future

If there’s one thing life has taught you, it’s that the future is impossible to predict. As you pass through each stage of life, your experiences continue to be new, and your roles and relationships keep changing. Life is in constant flux, and as soon as you feel you’ve mastered a role, a job or a relationship, something shifts, and you need to re- decide.

If you have been single, focused on your career and friends, traveling all over, you may be longing to be settled and close to your family. If you have been a single parent, and your children are growing up, you may be feeling a new kind of freedom. If you’re married and working, you may be planning for and looking forward to your retirement. If life has been difficult, it may be time to reorganize your relationship to your money and your future. All of these changes require new, smart decisions – perhaps of a kind you never before considered.

In your lifetime, you have gone from dial telephones to cell phones, Instant Messaging on the Internet and shopping on the Web. In the workplace, jobs that require travel, telecommuting, and working via computer and smart phones are commonplace. Keeping up with the rapid pace of change we live in today (perhaps even defending yourself from it) requires a new kind of thinking.

In addition to keeping up with the technological evolution, you have responsibilities to meet at home, on the job and in your personal life. If you feel overwhelmed at times, and find that you simply can’t find the time to devote to looking at the big picture, you are not alone. By focusing on the day-to-day details, you forget to plan ahead, to anticipate change, and before you realize it some neglected aspect of your personal or family life is in crisis.

It’s time to stop briefly and take a look at where you are at this point of your life span. If you spend a few productive hours re-evaluating where you are and where you’re headed, you can create a much more satisfying, productive and fulfilling future for yourself and for those you love.

Successfully re-creating your life at this point involves several crucial factors:

1. Future Security: Planning a secure future for yourself, if you have not done so already, is essential now. This involves getting appropriate financial advice and managing your money. But money isn’t the whole picture. Making sure your lifestyle, habits and attitudes are consistent with maintaining your personal health and well being is crucial to making the coming years feel like a reward for all your hard work.
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2. Changing Roles. About this time in your life, you see shifts in your family’s needs. The generation following you is growing up, and the generation before you is getting older. Your own generation has reached the point of maximum responsibility. Many mature adults find that just as they are being relieved of some of the responsibility for their children, they are taking on a burden of caring for aging parents or grandparents. Both of these factors impact your family decisions and your personal life in profound ways. The gift this stressful period gives is learning to handle all these changes successfully and effectively, keeping your life in balance, or perhaps achieving that balance for the first time.

3. Satisfaction. After many years of being a responsible, hard-working adult and focusing on taking care of others at home, at work and in family relationships, many adults find that they don’t know what they want for themselves. It’s time to learn how to make the decisions that create the enriched, satisfying experience you always hoped your life could be. When you do, you’ll discover what satisfaction means for you, and how to re-focus your life to create more of it.

4. Enjoyment. Your ability to take pleasure in life, to “lighten up”, to find the fun in a simple moment, may have been suppressed over the years. You may just need a slight attitude shift to become more light-hearted or it may require major decisions to simplify and re-focus your goals. You can learn how to make the decisions that free you up to have more fun.

Smart Decisions For People Over Forty

If you stop to think about it, you know the difference between those who make smart, considered choices, and those who seem to let life push them around. You probably know people who succeed despite difficulties and bad breaks, and people who seem to have everything handed to them, but still can’t get it together. You know people whose lives seem full of satisfaction and accomplishment, and others who don’t feel that they have achieved anything worthwhile, so their lives are full of regret and complaints.

Cooperating and being congenial with the people you care about makes your relationships run more smoothly (at least on the surface). However, when you relinquish your power to decide for yourself, your self-esteem suffers, and you feel out of control and unimportant, even in your own life.

As you reflect on the people you know, can you see the difference between those who know how to make good decisions, and those who aren’t sure what to do? None of us is completely confident with every choice we make in life, but those who understand that their decisions will create their outcome and choose accordingly feel more secure more of the time.

As a mature adult, you are approaching the time of greater freedom and greater responsibility toward yourself. Because you’ve lived long enough to master the basic skills of life, you may be wondering what else there is. For many in mid-life, going through days focused on material things and daily chores no longer seems to be sufficient. At this point, people begin to search for a different kind of meaning. “What is my life about?” they ask. “I have most everything I want. Why doesn’t it feel like enough?”

In my therapy practice, these are the questions mature adults ask, and the forces behind the changes they must make. Understanding the important issues of this phase of your life, and being prepared to re-evaluate your goals, find meaning, and make new choices are the tasks you face now. How you meet these challenges will make the difference in how satisfying and rewarding the rest of your life will be. From experience, you know you cannot control everything that happens to you. But you can control the your reaction and response to the events around you. If you can think clearly despite changes, surprises and unplanned circumstances, you will make good choices, and succeed in all the ways you want to.

You can reorganize and restructure your goals to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, financially and socially, no matter what your life circumstances have brought you. This is your opportunity to make the most of your life, to bring long-awaited dreams into reality, and to create meaning and satisfaction for yourself.

Create Your Own Standards

Making smart, effective decisions about your own life depends on learning to set your own standards according to the values that work for you. Observing those around you is a great way to see how various value systems work and can offer you guidance in defining your own standards. By dreaming, observing and trying new things, you can recreate yourself and your life to be more of yourself than ever before. No one is in charge of you but you.

From The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm scared to death of being alone

Dear Dr. Romance:
I just wanted to let you know that "Learn to See Through the Eyes of Love" was so insightful and revealing to me about my youngest daughter and myself. I have Spina Bifida and I am currently going through a divorce after 17 years of marriage (I mourn the loss of the marriage not my husband).  I am 43 and I am scared to death of being alone - I wonder if I will be accepted by anyone else - yes I have a good mind and I am charming and am able to make friends.....but.... Anyhow I now understand why my youngest clings to her stuffed animals and  I understand why I cling to the material things I 'love' ie:  Limoges  porcelain, antiques etc...  I always thought it was solely based on  appreciation but I always knew it was more - now I understand!  Thank you for putting these insightful articles on the web.

 Dear Reader:

Thanks so much for your inspiring response to my article.  I'm so glad you found it helpful.  Your courage and insight are moving.  I do think there is love in this world for everyone who is open to it.  You will be OK.  Read my articles "Where is Love?"; "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" and "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" for some ideas.   The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty  will give you  good insight in how to negotiate big life changes.

 
For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: because of him I know what true love feels like

Dear Dr. Romance:

I was in a beautiful meaningful relationship that led to a too brief but wonderful marriage until tragedy struck and my husband died two years ago. I rejoined the dating world nine months ago and am having a difficult time finding someone who can measure up to my standards. My late husband was handsome, funny, sensitive, romantic, trusting honest, caring, and was my best friend. It is because of him that I know what true love feels like. Counseling has taught me not to compare others to him. What would you suggest?

Dear Reader: 

I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm glad you've learned not to compare others to him. It's too easy to bestow sainthood on a person who has passed, and no real human can live up to it. You're just coming out of your grief and emotional shock, so take your time. Focus on making friends and getting to know new people; not on finding a "replacement" for the person you lost. He'll never be replaced, but you can try a whole new thing with a different person. In Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today   I recommend having a "beginner's mind" (a Zen Buddhist concept), which means being willing to start from scratch, allow yourself to feel awkward and new at this.  "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" and  "Where is Love" will give you more information about being safe and  dating successfully.

Seek to learn, to experience, and regard it as a new adventure. Don't compare it to anything you've done before. You've been through a life-changing experience, and you're a whole new person now, so approach it that way. You'll learn about yourself as well as others, and eventually you'll find happiness.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I am afraid if I tell him, it would affect our friendship

Dear Dr. Romance

Five months ago I started talking to a guy whom I had known at school many years ago. We are now adults. He is not married, both of us have never been married. We spent a weekend together just as old friends. Went walking, beach, dinner, share the same room.

We talk to each other from time to time but on general issues. We chat on the phone or online. He had dinner three times at my house.  He is a hard working person. Spends a lot of time at the office. I do want to have a relationship with him. But I am not sure if I should tell him how I feel. He knows that I am independent financially and have my own house...not sure if that may scare him.

He is a very decent and intelligent guy, and at my age I don't think I would find someone like him easily. But I am afraid if I tell him, then it would affect our friendship.  Any advice would be appreciated.

Dear Reader:

Yes, I think you should tell him, but in small bits, not all at once. Take your time, let the relationship build, and let him know how much you like spending time with him. Don't be too eager, give him a little space, make him come after you a little bit. Try reading my articles, "Guidelines for Successful Dating"; Dating: The Fine Art of “Squirrel Hunting” and "Guidelines for Relating With Love"  which will help you understand how the relationship is supposed to develop.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together has a lot of helpful exercises and information to teach you how to communicate intimately with someone.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

  

 

Dr. Romance on Less Talk, More Action

As a reader of this Dr. Romance blog, you know that I am always talking about the importance of good communication, urging better communication, and giving skills for being better understood. Communication is one of the most important aspects of relationships; positive and negative. However, talk is not necessarily communication; and there are lots of non-verbal ways to communicate.

Most of my clients waste a lot of time and energy, and develop resentment by making big announcements about things "If you don't start picking up your clothes, I'm going to send them to Good Will" "If you won't help me, I'll do it myself" “If I ever catch you cheating, I’ll leave” or the classic, "We need to go to counseling."

I am all for good communication, but if you've tried to communicate, and it's not working, it's time to adopt the Nike slogan and "Just Do It."

My beloved Richard loves to tell this story of his parents: His mom said to his Dad "Wouldn't it be nice to remove this wall and make the living room bigger?" His Dad just sort of grunted assent. When he came back to the house from working on the farm the next day, she had taken a sledgehammer and smashed a big hole in the wall, which meant they had to finish the job.

Richard likes to laugh about that, because it shows what a dynamo his mother was, and that she'd get done whatever needed doing. He also says he's careful what he says "yes" to, because he knows I'm going to follow up on it.

Whining, complaining, nagging and making snide comments are not the same as asking for what you want. Yelling, pouting, temper tantrums and hissy fits are also not effective communication. If you think your partner won't or can't work with you, these techniques are useless, and usually make the problem worse. Fighting about something over and over is an excellent indication that you’re not effectively communicating.

There’s an effective technique/skill that will work in these situations: Ask directly for what you want; then, if you’re not getting any cooperation, you can bypass all the struggle, hassle and arguing: Stop talking about it and just solve the problem.

This is probably the most powerful encouragement for your partner to join in and agree to negotiate, because he or she does not get to be part of the solution, and loses the power to stop or stall you. This is not done in a spirit of "OK, you won't negotiate, so I'll show you," but in a spirit of "I understand that you don't want discuss this, so I'll have to solve it for myself, as best I can. When you are ready to cooperate and negotiate, I'll be available." I have written about this before, as a technique called “solve it for yourself.” The emphasis here is on don’t keep talking about it; just solve it for yourself.

There are several benefits to this approach:

* It is liberating to assert yourself on your own behalf and to realize you don't have to have your partner's participation to be satisfied; yet you also don’t have to shut him or her out, or be unkind.

* You no longer have the problem you were concerned about.

* You can still have a good, loving, relationship, because you have shut your partner out (the option to negotiate is always open) and you aren't feeling frustrated, angry and deprived.

* It takes the pressure off your partner, and increases the likelihood that he or she will relax and be less defensive and more interested.

* It prevents you from being helpless and frustrated, so you are more able to welcome your partner's cooperation when he or she offers it.

The key to solving the problem instead of repeatedly talking about it is a belief that there is a satisfactory solution. Caring about your partner's wants and needs (as well as your own) is central to cooperation, but you cannot effectively meet your partner's needs without his or her help. When your partner refuses to help solve the problem, you have no choice but to focus on doing it alone until you get cooperation. As long as you offer every opportunity to cooperate and you extend an invitation to your partner to join you whenever he or she wishes, you are free to focus your attention on solving the problem for yourself. If you try to please your partner at your own expense, there is no chance for both of you to be satisfied. Once you’ve tried to cooperate without getting support, the best solution is a course of action that puts you in control of your well-being and separates you from the effect of your partner’s resistance.

The following steps ensure you can be sure you've given your partner ample opportunity to cooperate, and you're not overreacting.

Guidelines For Solving It Yourself

1. Be sure you've made a thorough attempt to negotiate. Don’t go to Solving it for Yourself until you’ve made an honest effort to engage your partner in negotiation – not just fighting.

2. Tell your partner what you are doing. State clearly that you have attempted to negotiate the problem, that your assessment is that your partner doesn't want to work on it, that you would prefer to work on it together, but that you've decided what you are going to do about it on your own. You might want to say you’re sad to have to do this, and you’re protecting what's good about the relationship. It’s very important to be able to do this calmly and definitely.

3. Invite your partner to negotiate at any time. Say that you are going to follow your own solution, but that you are open to discussing it at any time. This is your open invitation to negotiate, which keeps it from becoming become a power play.

4. Communicate your good will. Let your partner know that you value him or her and the partnership, and you don't like having to make unilateral decisions, but you feel you have no choice, because your partner won’t work on it with you.

5. Be sure your solution solves the problem for you, even if you think your partner may not like it. If the solution works for both of you, the problem is solved, and needs no further discussion. if your partner is not satisfied with your solution, he or she has already been invited to negotiate, and being left out is a powerful incentive. To get a different perspective, imagine what you would do about the problem if your partner weren't part of it. What would you do if your best friend were involved? Considering a relationship problem from the vantage point of a single person often points out places where you're being needlessly dependent.

Hopefully, you will seldom need to solve a problem without your partner's cooperation, but knowing you can solve the problem for yourself and still leave the door open to your partner's participation means you can remain calm and gentle in the face of a partner's reluctance to cooperate. You don’t have to wait for a reluctant partner to do it with you, as long as you let your partner know what you’re doing in advance.

This will certainly be better for your relationship than feeling frustrated, angry and taken advantage of. These skills create an atmosphere of cooperation between people, and lead to negotiation that satisfies everyone involved.

For more on this: How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: "a lack of empathy that excludes intimacy"

Dear Dr. Romance:

 What I have read on your site is interesting - may I ask you to comment on one point?
 
In his book 'Shyness' Philip Zimbardo states " It is as if the ego were set adrift in a paper boat, aware that a storm is brewing just over the horizon." Therefore we have the 'dread' that non-shys don't feel and don't understand but try to help with compliments etc - which are nice but useless. This 'dread' is an internal abyss unseen and unseeable and inexplicable to non-shys whose childhood was different - we, the truly shy feel the terror of absence of ego and the anarchy of the Id as well as the overpowering judgements of the superego. We have a lack of empathy that excludes intimacy and dictates a lifetime of superficial living.
 
I would be grateful if you could respond. 

Dear Reader:
What your author describes, I call autophobia: the fear of self. Unfortunately, when you're afraid  of your own feelings and thoughts you also become afraid of others and their response to you, so you're trapped. "Resolving Inner Anarchy,"  "Your Bestest Friend - You" , "Do You Understand Emotional Intelligence", and Your Inner Detective will help you understand this issue more fully.   It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  is very helpful for understanding and overcoming autophobia.  My newest book, 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth is a prompt-and-response recreation of how I help people with problems like yours.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I've had almost 200 dates, what am I doing wrong?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been dating on the Internet for three years, and I've had almost 200 dates. The problem is that I hardly ever get a second date. I'm also finding that every guy I go out with has no interest in me at all, even friendship. I am confused because I am successful, attractive, outgoing, and very easygoing. I try to make my date feel comfortable with conversation and I ask questions about him. I like to at least make them laugh. I've even had a friend go to the same restaurant and sit behind me and see if they could figure out what I might be doing wrong. 

Dear Reader:

I doubt if you're doing anything wrong, per se. It's probably more a case of mistaken identity. It  interests me that you'd say guys you go out with have no interest in you at all; do you mean they're only interested in sex? They must have something in mind to go out in the first place. There are several possibilities here; perhaps your profile doesn't reflect what the man finds when he actually meets you. Or, perhaps you're expecting too much from the first date, and your disappointment shows. Or, maybe you put too much emphasis on wanting a relationship, and scare them off. Here's a thought: instead of going out on the traditional date, invite the next man to go along with you and some of your friends to lunch or a movie, a sporting event or even an art gallery or museum. The group energy will take the pressure off dating, and give you a chance to get to see each other interact with other people. 

"Getting to Yes" ; Dating: The Fine Art of “Squirrel Hunting”; and "Turn on Your Charm"  will give you a different perspective on dating, and help you check out your interaction with your new dates, and Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today can show you other ways to make dating fun, successful and safe.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Will an online date app lead to marriage?

Dear Dr. Romance:

How realistic is it for a woman over 40 to expect an online date app to lead to marriage? --
 

Dear Reader:

 It's not realistic for anyone to expect an online date app will lead to marriage, but if you know what you're doing, it is possible to find a spouse via dating someone you met online. Just keep in mind that it's a big, anonymous world, and get to know your potential date face-to-face as soon as possible. Understand that it will take a few months just to find out if the person you're dating has real potential. Go slowly -- it takes time to develop a healthy relationship.

While you're figuring that out, try not to get caught up in the excitement of it all, and keep your wits about you. Pay attention to what your new friend is saying about himself, how well he hears what you are saying, and look for clues to character. Your job in the dating game is to figure out if the other person is the right kind of person for you. Watch for clues about how he handles money, whether the two of you can disagree and work it out, and, if he has to be right about everything... find someone else!

Dr. Romance's 3 tips for finding new love

For a while after a relationship ends, you may not feel like considering a new relationship, which is probably good. Jumping right from one relationship to another usually doesn't work. A relationship that follows too quickly is called a 'rebound' relationship because it's often a bad choice. Because you haven't had enough time to process your feelings, or to learn from your mistakes, your judgment will be off.

Once you have had some time to recover, however, the following tips will help you to find a successful new love.

1. Get a life: Even before you're ready to risk a new relationship, you can begin to get out and do things that interest you. Make your life as fun and social as you can without a relationship. Create a social network by joining groups who are doing things that interest you. If your life is full of activities you really enjoy, you'll be more successful at finding a successful relationship.

2. Look for friends: Looking for love is a big waste of time: singles' activities, online dating sites and bars are all riddled with problems, and take you in the wrong direction. Now that you've developed a life full of social connections, seek to make friends. You'll get to know all kinds of people, and out of these people someone will soon stand out, and you'll have the advantage of already knowing each other before you decide you want to date.

3. Pay attention: Meeting your new love by making friends who share the same interests gives you a great opportunity to observe the character of the person before you declare your interest. 

 "Dating; The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" and "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will take you through the basic steps of dating. "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" and "Is Dating Scary? Here’s what to do" will show you how to be safe and find a good guy to date.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today contains information and exercises that will help you find out who your date really is, and whether you can make it together.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance's Fair Fight Guidelines

Dr. Romance writes:

Forty five years of marriage counseling and forty years of a second marriage have convinced me that fights are not necessary in a marriage.  Married couples need to have discussions, they need to solve problems, and sometimes they need to disagree, but they don’t need to squabble, argue, bicker or fight.  Fights are dramatic, which is not helpful to a discussion. If you have enough energy to create drama, you have more than enough to tone it down into a discussion.  However, because social expectations and mythology are so strong, many of my clients want guidelines for “fighting fair.” I’ve developed a set of Fair Fight Guidelines you may find helpful.

Fair Fight Guidelines

If you feel a fight is unavoidable, you can still find a win-win resolution if you follow these guidelines.

*Remember the point of the fight is to reach a solution, not to win, be right, or make your partner wrong.    

*Don't try to mind read. Ask instead what he or she is thinking.

*Don’t bring up all the prior problems that relate to this one. Leave the past in the past; keep this about one recent problem. Solve one thing at a time.

*Keep the process simple. State the problem, suggest some alternatives, and choose a solution together.

*Don't talk too much at once.  Keep your statements to two or three sentences.  Your partner will not be able to grasp more than that.

*Give your partner a chance to respond and to suggest options.

*Practice equality.  If something is important enough to one of you, it will inevitably be important to both of you, so honor your partner’s need to solve a problem.

*Ask and Answer questions directly. Again, keep it as simple as possible. Let your partner know you hear him or her.

*State your problem as a request, not a demand. To make it a positive request, use “I messages” and “please”.

*Don’t use power struggle tactics: guilt and obligation, threats and emotional blackmail, courtroom logic: peacekeeping, sacrificing, or hammering away are off limits.

*Know your facts:  If you’re going to fight for something, know the facts about the problem:  Do research, find out what options are available, and know how you feel and what would solve the problem for you. 

*Ask for changes in behavior, don’t criticize character, ethics or morals. 

*Don’t fight over who’s right or wrong.  Opinions are opinions, and that won’t solve the problem.  Instead, focus on what will work.

*Ask your partner if he or she has anything to add to the discussion. "Is there anything else we need to discuss now?"

*Don’t guess what your partner is thinking or feeling.  Instead, ask.  “What do you think?” Or “How do you feel about it?”

*Hold hands, look at each other, and remember you’re partners.

*If you’re angry, express it calmly.  “I’m angry about ……” There’s no need for drama, and it won’t get you what you want. Anger is satisfied by being acknowledged, and by creating change.  Anger is a normal emotion – rage is phony, it’s drama created by not taking care of yourself.

*Acknowledged and honor your partner’s feelings – don’t deflect them, laugh at them or freak out.  They’re only feelings, and they subside when respected, heard and honored.  *Listen with your whole self.  Paraphrase what your partner says; check to see if you understand by repeating what is said. “So you are angry because you think I ignored you. Is that right?”

*No personal attacks or criticism. Focus on solving the problem.

*If you want to let off steam (vent), ask permission or take a time out.  Handle your excess emotion or energy by being active (run, walk, hit a pillow,) writing, or talking to someone who is not part of the problem. Don’t direct it personally at anyone. You can’t vent and solve problems at the same time. 

*Don’t try to solve a problem if you’re impaired: tired, hungry, drunk or unstable.

*Surrender to your responsibility.  When you become aware that you have made a mistake, admit it and apologize. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Excerpted from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Marriage (2nd Edition)

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I think you are really on to something

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read your article "Emotions as Weather". I'm glad to hear someone is talking about this subject out there. I began noticing this phenomenon when I started living communally. Feelings would chase around a room much in the same way a yawn might migrate around a commuter bus in the morning.

We have, particularly in western culture, a way of overemphasizing the boundaries of individuality. There really is a balance in life to be struck between existence and connection. Concieving of emotions as weather patterns takes much of the burden (dare i say 'wind') out of overpersonalizing feelings. One can be angry or going through some anger.

I have become a professional investor and in so doing, have learned how important it is to be able to observe the emotions driving markets and myself. I have suffered greatly as many do watching charts, not knowing why I was feeling so strongly about this or that stock. In the beginning I got quite sick to my stomach actually. Now what I ask myself is 'am I in synch with what others are feeling out there right now?' Sometimes just listening to my stomach is all I need to do to realize I am giving too much power to uncontrollable events. I've developed strategies based on a mistrust of my own sense of paranoia and overconfidence. I have created communities on online contests (including my own), in order to participate in the greater experience of the weather. My results are simply incredible.

We are in different fields, but I think you are really on to something and should pursue it diligently. There is a spiritual basis there that may still be undiscovered.

Dear Reader:

Thanks for your insight.  I'm happy to get your thoughtful response.  It sounds as if you're learning to ride the ups and downs of the market, which is a great skill to have these days.  We are indeed thinking along the same lines. "Attitude Adjustment"; "Autonomy vs Dependency;"  "Weaving the Web" and "Creating Connections: Draw Them In"  and , It Ends With You: Grow up and Out of Dysfunction will all help you understand more about emotional ups and downs and how to understand what motivates people.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: The parents are the problem

Dear Dr. Romance:

Wow! I was going to check my mail and "Age Differences in Dating" popped up.  I am dating a younger guy, he pursued me. after first I had doubts about us talking because of our age difference but he kept on insisting that age was just a number. But then came to find out his father is my boss.   I told him it would be best if he told his dad about us instead of hearing it from other people. We both work for the same company.  He  sat down and talked to his dad about me and because of our age difference he stopped seeing me.  6 months later after going thru ups and downs of missing him and seeing him at work he paged me asking me was I going to keep ignoring him and not speaking  so behind his parents' back we are still seeing each other.

I know he has a lot to deal with at home his mom  bipolar.  I been with him for a long time now dealing with all of his mood swings. I even suggested maybe he needs to explore or be with other women his age but he said no. I offered to give him space he even said no to that. I wish we can spend more time together and go out more but now his parents question his whereabouts.  I don't know what to do. My feelings for him have grown to loving him and being patient with our situation.  We don't want to call it off. Can you please help me out?

I would like for his parents to accept our relationship but they are not aware that he chose to keep seeing me without them knowing. We have agreed to take our relationship slow and take it day by day.

Dear Reader:

It sounds as if you two are doing OK, it's the parents that are a problem.  You haven't told me his  age or yours, but as long as he is an adult, I don't think his parents have a right to interfere.  I recommend that you stop worrying and just enjoy what you have, for as long as you have it. 

If  his dad is your boss, then you're jeopardizing your job, so why not find another job, so you can date openly?  Try not to create any extra drama with his parents. In my experience, once they know they can't change their son's decision, the parents will most likely come around.   "Coping with Critics" will help you learn to deal with his parents and others who disapprove.  "Creating Family Acceptance" shows both of you how to connect with his family.   "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship?" helps you keep your relationship healthy.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  contains exercises and information that will help your partner and you understand better why he has trouble standing up for himself and you.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will help you create a loving relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: He has hurt me deep inside me

Dear Dr. Romance,

I feel really depressed I can't forget this man, he is always in my mind, I've tried everything, it seems it's useless because he is always there! when I think about him, tears come from my eyes, and I can't help it :(

He has hurt me deep inside me, 2 months ago, I've text him telling him that I wanted attention from him and he cursed at me, it was really awful, he told me  " u think that the earth revolves around you? f***k, don't call me again!)  he knows that I love him but he doesn't want to give no chance at all . I've tried my best and he wouldn't make any effort for that reason.

I don't deserve this kind of treatment specially from him, I don't know what's wrong with him... maybe it's my fault?  Most of the time I say, that he ain't good for any kind of relationship, and that I deserve someone better, but then good memories come back and I become depressed it's like a vicious circle, I want to be able to make changes, to forget him, to live again, there are so many fish out there, hahaha Anyway since 2 months I cut any kind of relation with him, I've even change my number so he doesn't call me back, he knows where I work thought I hope he never appears into my job. I don't think he will.

Dear Reader:

I think you already know what I'm going to say.  This man is not interested in you.  Loving him is not enough, and it's not good for you.  He's been very clear; and I'm glad you've cut off any contact. You are obsessed with him, but obsession is not the same as love.   "Letting Go Takes Love" and "You Be the Judge" will help you revise your idea of what love is.   No one is going to love you because you suffer.  Instead, you need to learn to love yourself more, and treat yourself with more respect.  Then, someone will be able to love you.  Yes, there are many fish out there, but as long as you are fixated on this man, you won't see them.  Have a "letting go" ceremony.  Burn a picture of Jason, and say goodbye.

Build a life as a single woman, and put your energy there.  When you have created a support network of friends, your new, true love will come from that.   

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  will teach you more about independence and taking care of yourself.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will show you how to find a healthy relationship.

  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Aspects of Love

Ah, love!  writes Dr. Romance, What rapturous, torturous words have been set down to try and capture the essence of love.  Those clever Greeks, who invented the Olympics, and the Romans, who invented Senators,  also invented many names for love: Cupid, Eros, Venus, Aphrodite; and each name represented an aspect of love. The ancient Greeks had several words for several categories of love: they did not attempt to squeeze all of it into four little letters!  Eros was erotic or sexual love; Philos was brotherly love; Agape was altruistic, spiritual love.  The Latin poet Ovid spoke of amor ludens, or playful love: love as a game.

 

Having separate categories like these can be very helpful in thinking and talking about how we love.  In modern times, we speak of romantic love, mature love, parental love, innocent childlike love, friendship, and even intellectual love.  And why not  circumstantial love for those we become fond of because we're thrown together at work or some other activity; even though the relationship or friendship doesn't last once the circumstance changes?  A shipboard romance might be in that category.

 

Many of my clients could use some handy way to think and communicate about all the differences in the ways they love:

 

"I love her, but I'm not in love with her,” a client of mine agonized.  “But she's a wonderful person, I don't want to hurt her; I don't want to lose her friendship," Until he tells her the truth about how he feels, they’ll both be stuck in a very uncomfortable situation.

 

"I love Vince, we've been together a long time, but I'm not excited about him anymore,” sighs a young woman, “I'm not sure I still want to be lovers."  Until she talks about her boredom, Vince won’t have a chance to make any changes.  The longer she waits, the harder it will be to improve the relationship.

 

"I love my mother,” muses another client, “but I don't like her very much."  Mother may never need to know this, but the client needs to have a talk with himself about how to resolve his ambivalence and develop a workable relationship with his mom.  It’s time for the old relationship to change.

 

"I know he likes me, but does he like me?” worries another young woman.  “I mean, does he love me: is he in love with me?"   She’ll remain unrequited and unsure until she gathers enough courage to ask him directly.

 

Many clients ask me, "How will I know if I'm in love?"  Ask ten people what love is, you'll get ten different answers.  Ask those same people how they want to be loved; and each one will want something unique. One wants to be given space, another wants constant companionship.  To be held and touched sounds great to some, smothering to others.  There is no way we can know how to love each other without communicating about it.

 

Love's home is the heart, and love is not limited to one type or expression.  There is plenty to go around, and the more of it we share, the more we have.  As the song says, “Love isn't love 'til you give it away.”  You have to let someone know how you feel if you want your love to be returned.  Yes, it’s a risk, but I think it’s even riskier not to express your feelings.

 

To find out what love is, you must ask your heart, which always knows when you feel abused, and when you are too demanding.  You may not like the answer, but you can recognize it for the truth.  When I listen to my heart, I can stop worrying, because my heart is surprisingly in tune with one of the world's oldest definitions of love: “Love is patient and kind; love is neither jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude;” wrote St.  Paul. “Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right."  Whether I'm receiving love or giving it, the real thing fits that description.  The interesting thing is, when I give love away instead of hoarding it, I always seem to receive more than I can possibly give. 

 

Try feeling the love in your heart, and once you’re clear on what aspect of love you feel in a given situation, you can begin to communicate it.  If you want to learn more about what is scary about love, read "10 Reasons For Not Falling in Love." "Keys to a Happy Relationship" and Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences) will help you understand how love works for you.

 

(c) 2023 (Adapted from Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences)

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: He's extremely jealous

Dear Dr. Romance:   

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 10 months now. We have a really close relationship and have already made promises about moving in with each other next year, getting married and having children. The problem is that sometimes i feel like i couldn't be with him for the rest of my life. He's extremely jealous, has a really short temper, If I don't spend enough time in a day with him he gets extremely upset and if I go out he gets angry because he's also extremely insecure. When he acts like this I don't call him for a couple of hours and eventually he calls me and acts like I did something wrong. Then finally he acts like it never happened.  I really love him I really do I just want to know if this love is worth dealing with these behaviors forever. 

Dear Reader:

You're right to worry.  Your boyfriend is emotionally immature, and cannot control his anger and jealousy.   This is the pattern of a stalker, and possibly even a violent man, if he doesn't get help to get his anger under control.   

These are the signs of emotional blackmail:
1. A demand.  He won’t take “no” for an answer, and requests are really demands.
2. Resistance.  When every discussion turns into an argument.
3. Pressure.  He pressures you to go along.
4. Threats.  He uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to end the relationship, tears, rage, badgering.

He's trying to control you with temper tantrums.  The more control he gets (for example, when you live together, get married, and have children,) the worse his tantrums will get.  He's not doing it on purpose, he's out of control -- which is far more dangerous.  Talking to him won't persuade him to change.  You're in grave danger of being abused, and so will your children be.  You need to insist that he get himself into an anger management program BEFORE you move in with him, marry him, or have children with him.  Otherwise, you'll be a prisoner in your own house.  You've seen all the stories on the news about men who are charming and sweet in public, or when they want something, and then rageful and abusive when you're alone with them.  Don't fall for his charming side -- make sure he gets help.
You cannot help him.  Go to the National Domestic Violence Hotline Website  and read the information.  You can find help for yourself and for him there.

I'm so glad you're thinking about this -- please don't fall into this trap. Read "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship"   "Setting Boundaries and Saying No"  and "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" Get help for yourself, whether your boyfriend wants to go or not. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Ed will teach you how to create a safe and fulfilling relationship with a more caring person.

    

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Today I feel I'm losing my mind

Dear Dr. Romance:

Today I feel I'm losing my mind.

I'm in my mid-forties, from an upper class family. A few years ago, my father passed away suddenly, and at the same time I was  separated from my husband. Several months  after my Dad died I was divorced. No children. I  wanted the divorce. Two years later, I met my current boyfriend. He is a racial mix of black white and  a little Native American. Our relationship was very rocky the first year. Now things are better with us but my Mother is making me feel  terrible because of the racial differences and she utilizes every opportunity to scare me. She says that if I marry him and we have a child, it will be a black child no matter what; even if it looks white white white it will STILL be black, and she will feel sorry for the child, and that child will never fit in anywhere, and I am being selfish. On top of this, I'm still not sure my boyfriend is right for me. I love him and care about him but am not sure anymore if I want to marry him. He  has rented out his condo and is now living with me so I feel "stuck."

I'm also feeling guilty for divorcing my ex-husband. He and I are very good friends; we almost have a sibling-type relationship. I am more comfortable with him then with my boyfriend  and he is much easier to get along with then my boyfriend. But my marriage was passionless (on his part) and we had many financial difficulties.

The reason I'm writing to you is I give up on trying to come to a decision on my own. It seems that ever since my Dad died I have not made one good decision; actually I haven't made any decisions, I seem to just let life happen. I'm out  of control.  I think I need to find a therapist who knows the  difficulties of interracial relationships.

Dear Reader:

I'm glad you're seeking counseling -- it's important for you to know your own mind before you make any more important decisions.  Sex feels great, I know, but it is definitely not enough to carry a relationship.  Your mother's concern is partly bigotry, and partly truth.  Depending on your community's standards, and the racial mix there, your children may indeed feel isolated and experience problems.  In a racially mixed community, they would probably fit right in and have an easier time. 

It is not the racial mix that concerns me, but the fact that you don't seem to get along very well.  This is the point at which things should be smooth and easy in your relationship.  Once you marry, have children and share family expenses, the pressure  factor goes up.  You don't mention how well the two of you are doing financially, but it sounds as if you're doing OK, so the biggest problem is how you get along.  You'll never be comfortable or happy in any marriage until you gain more self-esteem, so you can stand up for yourself and meet your partner as an equal.  There should be no reason to feel  "stuck" with someone you don't want to be with, or to marry him if you're not sure.  I agree that finding a counselor is a good idea -- not only for this relationship, but also for your grief about your father. 

The best way to find a counselor who is racially aware is to find someone who works in an ethnically mixed area, that person should know about your issues.  Read "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  to search for one, and "Stupid Cupid" for help in figuring out if this relationship has what it takes.  My books, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together  and How to Be a Couple and Still be Free will teach you interracial relationship skills, including problem solving and communication.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I feel very unfairly treated

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am still devastated, trying to understand what happened to my boyfriend. I met him in June at a party (he was the brother of a close friend of mine); a month later we met I had to depart for 3 months abroad for professional reasons, but we developed a very close relationship during the month we dated, he introduced me to his parents, we spent a lot of time together and he expressed his desire to wait for this time and even he said we would meet before my return for two weeks on holiday. He talked about future, family...and that he loved me. During the three months I was away he phoned me three times a week and we dialogued via email daily like a normal couple. During all these months, he was always loving and caring. I fully trusted him.

Two weeks before our meeting (two months and a half later) he asked me to book a flight to meet up for a holiday (just about the end of my stay abroad). A week before meeting him, he phoned saying that he did not wish to meet up, that he had been deluding himself (two days before this call, he was saying how much he missed me and was longing to be  together). I was shocked and devastated at such a sudden and unexpected reaction, I could not understand what had so suddenly happened to him, I was left with a ticket to be thrown away, without much explanations, he never came after my return to apologies or give me a proper explanation; instead he basically said 'it was unfortunate that I had to leave when I did, still that's life'. It was not only abandoned in such an unacceptable and insensitive way, but his words reveal I was the one to be blamed if the relationship did not survive as I was the one who initially left (Now he has left me with this feeling that I should have never left, even if that meant to sacrifice a professional achievement). I have been trying to understand what had truly happened, but I cannot reach a logical explanation; his brother never helped me to understand what had really happened, after my return he never mentioned anything regarding his brother and me, his attitude was like his brother and I would have never met. I asked him for an explanation, but he was rather defensive, and he said he did not know anything, (but I know they are close). I would sincerely appreciate if you can shed some clarity and objectivity on this, as I feel very unfairly treated and deeply saddened to move on in peace; it is beyond my rational understanding what really happened to my boyfriend in such a sudden way. Many thanks for your attention and time.

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry this happened to you -- I know how disturbing it can be, to be cut off without a word like that. However, you need to consider this a benefit -- you have been saved from being committed to a selfish, inconsiderate and uncommunicative partner.

Your relationship never really had a chance, because it progressed too fast to develop an infrastructure: the trust, teamwork and basic necessities for building a relationship. In the future, you can avoid being so hurt by going much slower, taking enough time to find out if your prospective partner is trustworthy. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you avoid falling into this trap again.

Please don't waste any more time trying to get answers from this man and his brother. There are no truthful answers you can get. Either he got cold feet, he didn't mean what you thought, or he's met someone else. The answer you have gotten is that he's not a good candidate for a commitment; with you or anyone else.

Accept it, grieve, "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" will help you move on; next time, more cautiously, and you'll be more successful.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dr. Romance on Getting Along With Each Other

Dr. Romance reflects:

One of the things I'm very grateful for in my life is the opportunities I have had to travel and see the world.  When I see a world in turmoil: earthquakes, war, terrorism, famine, political upheaval, inflation, human rights violations: I think not of the governments, but of the people, who are just trying to get through their day. 

In 1998, Richard and I had a marvelous opportunity to sail around the world as the ballroom dance teachers on the Crystal Symphony cruise ship. Many of the places we saw then, such as Oman, Jordan, Turkey, Morocco, Indonesia and Israel are in turmoil now, and not as safe for tourists. Several years ago, when Palestinian soldiers took refuge in the Church of the Nativity at Bethlehem and were under siege, I marveled that I had stood where they were, and I could picture the place as the news reports came in. Even when I was there, Israel and Palestine were struggling, as they have been since Israel was formed.

When we docked in Haifa, Israel, we had only one day, so my Jewish friends, Murray and Sylvia (who had been there before) and I hired a cab driver who drove us through the entire length of Israel, to see as much as we could in twelve hours. Getting to Bethlehem was a lesson in world peace, and I want to share it with you, from my travel notes: After the long drive back from the Dead Sea, we reach the ancient walls of the Old City in Jerusalem, and pass right through the old city to go to Bethlehem, just to the south. All along the way, there is evidence of the constantly changing borders. A barbed-wire and chain link fence marks the border for many miles, and on either side of it can be seen buildings with Hebrew signs on the Palestinian side, and Arabic lettering on the Israeli side, indicating that the land has changed ownership many times. Back and forth, back and forth, the fence moves, as various skirmishes change the borders. Bethlehem is now under Palestinian rule since the peace accord four years ago, so our driver feels it is not safe for us to enter in an Israeli taxi -- he has phoned across the border and arranged with friends for a Palestinian car and driver to take us in.

Changing cabs makes the tension of these places palpable. Our driver stops at the Palestinian border and instructs us to walk across. We feel like characters in a spy movie as we walk between the crude guard shacks on the Israeli side -- which are manned by guards cradling automatic rifles -- walk across the no-man’s-land in the middle, and then between the equally crude guard posts and the equally well-armed Palestinian guards, and no one seems to pay any attention to us – they stare right through us. Our friendly Palestinian driver, in his Arabic- marked taxi, greets us on the other side. We breathe again.

Bethlehem and the Church of the Nativity are just three miles away, so we’re there in a few minutes. As the driver chatters to us in quite serviceable English, we begin to relax. The friendliness of the two drivers, citizens of warring nations, points out that even when political situations are uncomfortable, people can find ways to work together. These drivers are not hostile toward each other, they are helping each other (and us) out. Later, we find out that many cab drivers would not take their passengers into Bethlehem-- only ours arranged the switch.

The Church of the Nativity turns out to be three churches in one: A Palestinian Christian church, a Greek Orthodox, and a Catholic church -- all 3 buildings are side by side, sharing a courtyard and some walls, and we walk through each one to get to the next. The oldest church is the Palestinian Church of the Nativity, originally built in 400 AD. We enter through a door build deliberately low, so one has to bow in respect to come in. The floor we stand on now was built in 600 AD, after the first church was destroyed, but it has a trap door in it, through which we can look down and see the original mosaic floor, about 3 feet below. The priests have a quiet pride, and an obvious awareness of the sacred ground they walk on and care for.

The church is built in the traditional cross shape, with a high ceiling from which long chains hang with a cut brass oil lamps on each one. Perhaps there are 50 of these lovely lamps, all lit, and each one different. The designs cut into the metal allow the light to project the cut-out shapes onto the walls – diamonds, moons, stars. What a glorious sight people have reverently experienced for 2500 years! To one side is a door to a stairway leading down to a room draped in silks. On the left as you enter is a niche that appears to be a fireplace, but turns out to be the spot where Jesus was born. An ornate, 13-pointed star is set in the floor on the very spot, surrounded by oil lamps. The 13 points represent the generations between David and Jesus, the number of disciples at the last supper, and the stations of the cross.

On the opposite side of the room is the stone manger where the baby was laid after birth. At one end are candles. It is a powerful sight -- all the centuries of veneration have left their energy in this room. My father was Catholic, and I have lit candles in his memory in churches all over the world, but lighting the candle at the manger was a special moment for me. When I saw the votive candles in the room, I asked where I could buy one, and our guide said the priest would get me one. The priest was almost as ancient as the room, and with almost audible creaking, he slowly brought me a candle, which I then lighted and placed with the other candles at the end of the manger. This simple ritual, followed for centuries, moved me to tears.

When we left the scene of the Nativity, we walked through the Greek Orthodox and Catholic Churches, both of which are beautiful, and back out into the courtyard.

After taking a taxi back to the border, we changed into our Israeli taxi again. Off we sped back to Jerusalem. The afternoon was fading fast. We rushed to Old Jerusalem, and visited the Cardo, an ancient Roman marketplace surrounded by a more modern shopping area.

Then we are at the Western Wall (known as the Wailing Wall) - the only remnant of an ancient temple, which the Jews venerate, and where they come to pray. The wall is divided into two sides, one for men, one for women, so Sylvia and I went to the right, and Murray went to the left. It was Murray’s birthday, and the anniversary of his mother’s death, and this was his main reason for coming back to Israel. To pray at the wall. Everywhere along the wall were men and women davening, or rocking back and forth while praying. Most of the men were dressed in the long black coats and black hats of the Orthodox Jews, and a lot of the women were also in long black costumes. It is said if you write a request on a bit of paper, and tuck it into a crack in the wall, it will be granted. As we got closer, we could hear the women murmuring, and one was crying. Again we were struck by the continuity of centuries.

The history of these places, the millennia of human existence, the prayers, grief, fears, hopes and dreams of people who are simply trying to feed their families and live a peaceful life, rises around us like a mist of human strength and survival. Our taxi drivers, both Palestinian and Israeli, are family men, as mystified about why they’re at war as we in America are about why the world can’t live in peace. They have no need to fight each other for land or for oil rights, or for religious supremacy. They need to feed their families, to care for their wives and children, and to try to leave a legacy for their descendants. So, despite what their countries are doing to each other-- despite the soldiers, the political parties, the suicide bombers, the guns and the borders -- they work together to earn a day’s wage. They are proud of their part of the world – the Moslem, Jewish and Christian holy sites, and they view it all as belonging to all of them – only the fanatics, religious and/or political, want to possess it. These men, like you and me, want just their small part – enough to be comfortable, and to keep their families healthy. There is enough to feed and clothe everyone in this world.

The late peace warrior Danaan Parry wrote: "The energy that we use to create war is the energy we need to make real peace.

"That's the courageous act that the warrior must do -- to find a way to relate to the person on the other side of the closed-off valve, so that together we can twist that valve from both sides and open it back up again.

"The new warrior is in a precarious position, because he or she says, "I am going to show myself and the rest of my tribe that... darkness exists within each one of us, and I will demand that we have the courage to look at it." So using the word "warrior" really has some meaning, because warriors have to have the courage to put up with some pretty heavy flak from their own people. We are asking our own people to grow and not to project."

I pray that we all learn to live in peace, even in the midst of wars we don’t understand. I pray that we don’t accept the idea that other humans are our enemies by virtue of their race, nation or creed. I pray that we learn to work together, no matter what our governments insist on telling us. I pray for peace, within ourselves, within our families, within the world. And like Tiny Tim, I pray: "God bless us, every one."

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I love my son and this is killing me

Dear Dr. Romance:

   I just read your "Age Differences in Dating". I would like your take on a situation and hope you will have time to reply. My son is a bright guy with a good job. he has lead a pretty uneventful sheltered life - he has 4 years of college has had 2 serious girlfriends - one short term one long term. He really has not had many " life experiences" He has always been hesitant to do new things.

Now he met a women at work who is 14 years older, and has her masters and a good position in the company. To be honest without any other issues I would be wary but could probably get beyond the age factor if they were good together. However she also comes with a divorce, followed by a second marriage.

Her second husband was bipolar and committed suicide. She has 2 grade-school age boys. They had only been dating a couple of months when he started " sleeping over" about 4 nights/week. I consider myself a pretty open minded person. (he is one of 2 sons and my younger son has lived with a girlfriend which I was ok with) I don't think I am "old fashioned" as he tells me!

I have major problems with this relationship - first with all her life experiences how can they be on the same page. Second I have a huge problem in how she has been as a mother. How can anyone think it is possibly ok to bring around a guy to sleep over after what those kids have been through let alone someone his age. I have major concerns about her character and judgment. I love my son and this is killing me.

Normally my mode with both boys is to stay out of their love lives. We have both aired our views on this to one another and have agreed to disagree. As imperfect as this is we have tried to maintain a relationship and leave her out of it. Its not working too well.

My husband and I encouraged him to move into his own place (which he did) as part of the growing up process and frankly so we didn't have to be aware of all his comings and goings. We were glad he did not move in with her. I really think because he has always been " scared on new experiences - this is " safe " for him. Women his own age are still trying to figure life out and that to him is probably unsettling. This has been going on for a year. very unlike me - I have not been able to meet her for fear that I would scratch her eyeballs out! I have never written a letter like this - but I am beside myself. Thanks for the chance to vent and hopefully get your perspective Help!

Dear Reader:

I certainly understand your concern, but your son is an adult, and he has the right to make his own mistakes. Rather than judge the lady he's with, keep her close, so if there's a problem, you'll see it.  Your son may learn a lot from this relationship, and as long as it's caring and not abusive, let them be.  If they had asked me, I would have advised them not to let her children know they were sleeping together, but you should keep those opinions to yourself.   "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship" should give you some clarity.

"Guidelines for Dating as a Single Parent" might be helpful to show to your son, but let the negative opinions be mine, not yours.  Don't push either your son or his love away.   It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand how to be helpful to your son.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: his friend will always come first

Dear Dr. Romance:

Recently my boyfriend had to help a male friend who was going thru marital problems. The friend was moving out and needed a place to stay. As a result all of our plans were put off in order to offer support for his friend. This of course was fine until dates (plural) had to be cancelled in order to help said friend. I was understanding at first, but when more than one date had to be cancelled among phone calls being non-existent, I had enough. After talking to my boyfriend he basically stated that his friend will always come first, which upset me. I too have a best friend since childhood but I would never forsake one relationship for another. I realized that men and women seem to handle this situation differently. Women do tend to put their relationship with their significantly other before any other.  On the other hand, I feel if we as women don't take care of our mans' wants and needs; this may be used as reason to stray to another woman.  Therefore men feel they should always be put first.

I wouldn't dare desert a friend in need but I feel there should be a balance in all relationships. It shouldn't be an all or nothing choice. I've been lucky to have a best friend that understands that sometimes couples need quality time together and if needed I am there for her no questions asked.

My question is how can I get him to understand that I wish to be a priority as much as he is to me. I even asked my boyfriend if his friend had to choose between his wife and his friend who would he choose, his reply was his best friend would choose him over his wife. I was stunned and taken aback. I understand their relationship was there before me and will be even after I may go. But I also believe your spouse should always be your number one priority above all else.  I am not asking him to choose between us. But don't totally ignore me so you may do some hand -holding for a grown ass man. Am I being selfish?

Dear Reader:

Your boyfriend may be doing you a big favor by showing you what his priorities are.  I agree that there could be a much more mature way to handle this.  You don't say how long you have been together, but I suggest you take a stand now.  If he really thinks he has to desert you to help his friend (there's no way you can do it as a couple?)  perhaps he's not ready for a marital commitment.  Offer to negotiate this problem with him  How To Be a Couple and Still Be Freewill help you figure out some solutions that will satisfy both your needs.  If he won't work with you, he's telling you what your future relationship will be like, and you should pay close attention.  Try cancelling a few dates with him because one of your friends needs you, and see what he thinks about that.  That way, you'll find out if he's got a double standard or not.  If he doesn't like it, you can point out it's what he did to you.  If he doesn't mind, then it's his definition of how significant your commitments to each other are.

Either you're not is important as his friends, or he's not ready for a mature, adult partnership.  A healthy relationship requires teamwork, and you need to begin building a team now, if you really want this romance to work.  Make a strong attempt to work this out with him, but if he won't budge, then the writing is on the wall, and this relationship will not go much further.  "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" "Less Talk, More Action" and "No Cooperation? Solve it Yourself!"  will help you understand how to motivate  him to work with you.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: My Parents don't like my interracial relationship

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have fallen in love with who I think is THE ONE in my life. I'm a divorced 25 year old woman. I have two children by my ex husband, who is Caucasian. We have been separated for a year, and divorced for two months.  I met my new love a month after the separation. 

We have not taken our relationship to it's full extent. We have gone out in the past year about five times. He works full time, and goes to school part time. He sees his children on the weekend (he has never been married). I have primary custody of my children, and they have met him about four times. He wants to take the relationship very slow, and I am in aggreeance with that. We both are focusing on our situation (school/work/kids) at the moment, until we have more to offer each other, and each of our lives is more stable.

However, I am worried that I am going to be forced to choose between him and the closeness I have with my family. My sister dates biracially, and has been with her boyfriend for almost four years. They have a beautiful daughter together, and my sister's boyfriend is physically and verbally abusive towards my sister. My parents only accept my sisters boyfriend as part of the family because they have a daughter together. They only tolerate his presence at family functions, and half the time he doesn't go because he feels unwelcome/out of place/claims to be an "at home" kind of guy. I have expressed my feelings to my parents about how I feel about the guy I'm in love with. We live in Florida, and my parents don't feel that an interracial relationship would thrive in this part of the country. I am so impressed with this guy I am in love with. I am euphoric every time I am with him. He makes me strive to be the best I can be at everything that I am. He dreams with me, and sets goals with me.

He is the kind of person I could see myself with twenty years from now. I have learned a lot from him since I have known him, and I respect him as I have only respected my father. I don't know what to do about the situation with my parents. Every time I tell my mother about something my boyfriend has said, or how much I miss him, or whatever, if it has to do with my boyfriend, my mother turns the conversation in another direction. I don't know how to handle this situation.  Please help me.

Dear Reader:

Going slow is a great idea in any relationship, and especially important when you have children.  It will also give your family time to come around. You say the only reason your parents accept your sister's boyfriend is because of the grandchildren, but I think they care about you and your sister also.

Once they see that you have made a better choice this time around, they'll probably relax. If it's possible, I'd suggest you and your new guy spend some time with your parents, as you get a chance. If he's such a good guy, they'll figure it out. Your sister's relationship is not a good one, so no wonder they're a bit wary. They have enough reason not to like your sister's husband, no matter what his race. I assume they love your children, too, and if they see that your children like this new person, and he treats all of you well, they'll probably relax. They have good reason to worry, since you and your sister both have had relationship problems. Use "The Magic of Reassurance" to calm and soothe their fears, and get them on  your side.  "The Challenges of Blended Families" will help you understand all the dynamics you need to manage.

By all means, if you and this man are serious, let them get to know him. If they like him, and everyone gets along, your parents will probably come around. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free will give you some pointers about creating your unique partnership, interacting with your family, and resolving whatever disputes arise in your relationship.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: Friends in Need: Interventions for Domestic Violence

 

 Dr. Romance received the following letter:

“A topic I would like you to cover/explore is that curious phenomena which permits otherwise independent women to be dominated...even abused...by males with whom they share some sort or relationship.  Why is it that a seemingly strong, intelligent woman would allow herself to be hurt...her life to be altered in a negative way by some guy with whom she has some sort of relationship.  I currently know a couple such women and feel completely helpless with regard to alleviating their problem (which they apparently fail to see).

“I realize we/you could attack this from the other angle:  Why would a man want to completely dominate a female to the point where she fails to exist as an individual??  But, for now......help me understand this from the female perspective.”

 

I’d be happy to, and I hope the following information answers your questions. Of course, every person involved in violent situations has his or her own reason for living that way.  Usually, women who remain in abusive or violent situations are more afraid of being alone than of being with the abusive husband.  She may also be afraid of what he’ll do if she leaves.  She’s usually financially dependent on him. 

 

If the couple has children, the woman feels even more invested and trapped: she believes she’s protecting the children.   The more time passes, the weaker, more dependent and “stuck” she becomes. Abusive men are narcissistic; they have “Jekyll and Hyde” personalities, which means that they can be very charming when they’re not being abusive. 

 

Women who stay in abusive situations focus on this charm, and deny the abuse.  They also have experience of their husbands smoothly talking their way out of any responsibility for misbehavior, (for example if she once called 911 and he got the police to believe nothing was wrong.) The woman feels hopeless and helpless, that no one will believe her or help her get out.  She’s also ashamed, and doesn’t want people to know her misery.  Various women have combinations of all or some of these reasons for staying.

 

The question here that concerns most of us would be: “What can I do to help?” Here are some steps you can take when you believe a friend or family member is in this situation. 

 

 

1. Get informed about options.  Before attempting to help, make sure you know what the options are for the woman and her children.  Obtain a domestic violence hotline number, (National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)  the number for child protective services (ask the operator for your local Child Abuse Hotline, or call 1-800- 4 A Child ) and numbers for local womens’ shelters.  Call the numbers, explain that you want to help a female friend, and find out what information these organizations need to help your friend or family member.  Make a list of the information she’ll need to provide.  The National Domestic Violence Hotline Website has a lot of very helpful information at http://www.ndvh.org/index.html.  But, don’t just refer your friend to the website or phone numbers.  Give her all the details you can.  Remember, she’s probably feeling hopeless and helpless, and perhaps even worthless.  She’ll need friends to guide her every step of the way.

 

 

2.  A violent spouse has impaired impulse control, and can go off violently at any time.  It’s vital that no one talk to the violent spouse, because if he’s angered, he may take it out on his family. Understand that, if he’s truly violent, it won’t work to talk to him.  His wife and children must be safe before anyone approaches him.  Once the family is safe, you can offer him anger management classes, or suggest therapy.  Don’t be surprised if he blames his wife for his anger.  Understand that, if you get child protective services involved, and the wife won’t stay away from her husband, the children may be taken into protective custody.  Also if the wife goes into a women’s shelter, with her children, she will lose her job, if she has one, and she can’t contact her relatives from the shelter.  Shelters stress that women cannot go anywhere their husbands would look for them, or they could lead a violent man to the shelter, and endanger everyone there.

 

 

3. Find a couple of friends or family members you can trust not to tell the husband what you know, and talk to them to find out what they know about the situation, and if they’d be willing to help. If you’re not sure about the abuse or violence, they may be able to confirm your fears, or set them at rest.  If you find that your fears are confirmed, make it clear to everyone that your friend is in real danger. Make a plan for what each of you are willing to do to help. Perhaps a family member can take her and the children in, and keep her surrounded and safe from her husband if he goes into a rage.  Perhaps you can get her connected to a women’s shelter. Perhaps you can help her get a Restraining Order, or a Protection from Violence Order against her husband.  Some of you may know enough facts to witness on her behalf.  You may be able to help her see the websites on a computer her husband won’t be able to access.

 

 

4. Once the first three steps are in place, you need to talk to the woman who’s in danger.  If you, a relative, or one of the other friends can get her alone, away from her husband, do so.  Don’t leave telltale phone messages or e-mails, because women in these situations are often closely monitored by their husbands.  Find a way to meet with her alone.

 

 

5. Once you get her alone, tell her what you know about her situation. This may mortify her, but it’s important that she knows you know.  Tell her you care about her, you’re willing to help her if she wants help, and what you can do for her. She needs to know she has support and protection, because getting away from this man is very frightening for her. She may tell you she’s fine, she doesn’t need help.  She may even be angry at you.  In that case, don’t get angry or annoyed.  Instead, tell her if she ever needs help, you’re available.  You can print the “Family Violence Q& A” article from my website  and leave it with her.

 

6. If your friend has children, you believe the children are in danger, and she won’t do anything, you may have to call the Child Abuse Hotline without her permission.  This will not be easy, because the family will then be investigated.  If problems are verified, the children may be taken away, and both parents will be required to take parenting classes, and domestic violence classes to regain custody of the children.  Children’s Protective Services will give temporary custody to a safe family member in the meantime, if someone is willing.

 

None of this is pleasant, or easy, but if you honestly believe the relationship is abusive or violent, it’s the caring thing to do.  Remember that domestic abuse or violence situations don’t get better without intervention. 

Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm on the verge of total breakdown

Dear Dr. Romance:

I need desperate help...i'm on the verge of total breakdown...i need immediate help so i searched the Internet and saw your email address.. here is my problem..please help please..please

i'm 20 yrs old...live in another country....I  moved out of my parents place 1 yr ago.. My parents were abusive. They tormented me for 6 years before i decided to move out...So I stayed with my boyfriend of 1 year for 7 months, before deciding to move here with him.... Before I was here, I had lots of Hopes and Dreams..i know exactly what i'm going to do and all... but now i'm caught in the middle of a destructive whirlpool...My boyfriend took all the money that I have, he controls me. I cant go to any place that i want to. I have no Friends but I have to stay in his house the whole day....He monitors me from work as well..he checks all my activities online, and denies access to most things on the Internet except Internet and email.... I feel like I've made a HORRIBLE mistake....I've been crying for days now..I have absolutely nothing in my life anymore. I gave up my education, my friends, my life, my money and most of all, My Freedom....

Please say something to me because i really can't go on another day anymore....please help me please...i beg you..please say somethin to me...please

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry to hear you're in trouble.  It is very common for people who grew up in abusive homes to immediately get into abusive relationships.  I don't know what resources exist where you live, but you should find a woman's shelter immediately and get away from that boyfriend before you get injured.  You are in danger because he knows you are dependent on him, and you must get help.  Call the police or a local hotline, and ask if there's a shelter you can go to.  Leave while your boyfriend is at work, and don't go back.  Take what belongings you can with you, and leave the rest.

Once you get to a shelter, they will help you with both legal help and therapy. You need to heal your Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the past, so you will be able to recognize whether a boyfriend loves you or not. This one doesn't love you, he just loves having power over you.  Please get help immediately.  Talking to me won't do you much good, because I'm so far away.  Call a woman's hotline or a shelter now. "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship" will give you some information that will help. You might also find It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you work through your PTSD from the past.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I am not a prude

 Dear Dr. Romance:

 

Here’s one for you, I am female, mid fifties, cute and in good shape considering my age. Had been married for 30 years, single 4 years, kids all grown now and  I am on my own which is fine. I can manage on my own and I am not a desperate female.

 

I do get lonely for male companionship, not sex.  Not really looking to marry at least not yet. Just want to have some laughs and go places. Have some fun together. Get to know each other.

 

My trouble is only those who are late sixties look at me and even then they only want a mama to cook, clean and take care of them oh yes and free sex, with nothing in the  relationship for me. The younger ones only want the sex and act as though I need servicing.

 

Geesh! No matter how clearly I tell them or put on my online profile that I simply am not going to put out they still continue to try to force the issue as though I am only teasing them; or I am some sort of conquest.  I do not do the bar scene and have not found anyone any better at church either.  I am a care provider so no chance of meeting any men where I work.

 

Are there no males out there who don't have sex on their minds all the time?   I am not a prude; I just am not so horny that I have to put out to some darn guy because he needs it.

 

Dr. Romance replies:

 

If what you want is a real companionable relationship, you are looking in all the wrong places. A lot of guys on the Internet and in bars are trolling for sex, and they just see you as a piece of meat. Church only works if you get involved in the working life of the church.  You need to get a life:  get out and do things in a social environment that has content – that is, do things you're interested in -- even passionate about -- that involve other people.  That way, the men you meet will get to know you as a person first, and they will be higher quality men, who have lives also. We live in a very media saturated culture, where we are influenced to focus on surface things and not look beneath. But in a long-term, loving relationship, looks very quickly cease to matter, and character is what counts.

 

Because it's the inside that matters in a love relationship (despite all the media focus on the external) when you have repeated social contact with someone, love can grow without either party really being aware of it. The couple develops a   relationship "infrastructure" in an organic, natural fashion, as opposed to forcing it. These relationships often last a long time, because they're reality based. Old-fashioned courtship is what works.  "Where is Love?" and "Dating: The Fine Art of “Squirrel Hunting” will show you how. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  has all the information you need to fix your "searcher" and find a good person who cares.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Two weeks ago I had to have an abortion.

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I am 15 years old.  I just want your opinion. I have a boyfriend that is 19 years old and from what I hear is that its against the law for a 15 year old to go out with a 19 year old. My mom, step dad, sister, and whole family disapproves of our relationship. We have been together for 8 months and we have been through sooooo much just to be and stay together. 

I think if he did not love me enough, he would not waste so much time for so long. I would think if he is just after one thing he would have been left me. Two weeks ago I had to have an abortion. To tell the truth I really did not want to have one. I think that was the happiest time of my life those few weeks I was pregnant. 
 
I cry almost every night and regret even thinking about having an abortion. They did not want us to be together so bad that we felt that maybe if we had a baby we would have no choice but to be together. Please do not get me wrong, but I know I am too young for a baby in these days and times, only because by law I am not old enough to work and not take care of myself. I am just asking for your opinion about a 15yr old and a 19yr old going out and seeing each other. Do you think it is wrong? 
 
Do you think it is right to send a man that's only a few years older than a minor to jail just for falling in love? If my boyfriend was 15 also and I became pregnant would you not want to take him to jail? Why do you think God enabled me to have children at this age if I'm not supposed to? Can you please answer this question? Do you think in the old days it was wrong for 13, 14, 15 year olds and so on to get married? 
 
Of course they had to get the consent from their parents only because they still had to live and rely on them. Do you think I am right? I just do not feel that we should be pulled away cause it will not solve anything. All it might do is fill hearts with anger and hatred to mend a broken heart; I think that is where the trouble sometimes start in society today. If you send an innocent young man to jail for 25 years just for falling in love will probably drive him crazy and completely waste a good mind that could have been useful.
 
If you love someone dearly and then they are ripped away from you and some people fail to love again. In our situation love refuses to pull us away. Maybe love should be given a chance. A teenager's love is no different from that of an adult. Real love is something that forms in your heart, something that everyone feels. 
 
Why do teenagers have to go through so much just to love someone and be happy? When I was 12 years old I had no feelings toward males. I think when you mature enough to love someone to that extinct, you should be able to love someone. Do you agree? I just really need to know the opinion from someone that actually matters. 
 
Me and my boyfriend sometimes feel that we are alone in thinking we should love each other. Its like its me and him against the world. Of course we get support from friends. All I'm asking is for your opinion on this subject. I look forward to your reply, as soon as you are available. 

Please know that I look up to you, and cherish your opinion.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you are going through all this at such a young age. It's not illegal for a 19 year old man to date a 15 year old girl, but it is illegal for them to have sex.  Laws vary by state, but that is a federal law.    You need some help sorting out your priorities, making decisions, and planning your future. I recommend that you go to counseling, or go to the school counselor.  I'm sure you and your boyfriend believe you're in love, but your behavior is showing that it's not a very mature love.

If your boyfriend were more mature, he would have thought more clearly about your chances of success together and been more careful.  He used you as a source of sexual and emotional gratification for himself.  He's obviously immature even for a 19 year old.  He knows the law, and he should know better than to break it.   A mature adult male wouldn't have unprotected sex with a minor and get her pregnant.  How would the two of you possibly have cared for a baby at your age?  I have worked with children in the foster care system, and this is exactly how they get there, because their parents were too young, unrealistic and thoughtless to wait until they could really make a family before they had a baby.  

I'm glad to regret that your behavior was so poorly thought out that you wound up needing an abortion.   It's a shame that your baby couldn't have been born to mature, healthy parents who could care for her, support her financially and emotionally, and be good role models for her.  Having a baby is not a game, and it's not right to have a baby so you can feel good.  Wait until you are an adult, supporting yourself, and in a stable marriage with someone who can guarantee to be there for you before you decide to get pregnant again.

Please get counseling and get your life back on track. It's not too late for you to make something good out of your life, and to prepare yourself for real love and real motherhood.  These are the years you should be learning what you need to know. You are way ahead of yourself.  I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, but I think both you and your boyfriend are making some really big mistakes.  Whether you think your family understands you or not, they do have a point. You and your boyfriend are not mature  enough to be having sex or making these kinds of decisions -- no matter what your friends say. 

Please read my article "Stupid Cupid"  and reconsider before you ruin your lives, and the life of an innocent, unborn child.  If you really want to have a life together and a family, then begin thinking and acting like grownups, not impulsive children.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand how to build a responsible life of your own.  You could also benefit from   52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth 
 I wish for you a healthy and happy life, and, when you are grown, to know what real love is.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on Creating Peace

Dr. Romance wishes you a Happy New Year, everyone! This is the time when a lot of energy is spent on making resolutions, most of which we don’t manage to keep. So, in the face of all the violence we have experienced this year, I would like to propose a different kind of resolution.  
Will you join me in resolving to create a year of peace?

Peace begins inside yourself. When you can remain calm even though things are not going well, or someone is being annoying, or you’ve been severely disappointed, you’re beginning to create a more peaceful world. When you can be kind, caring and walk away from things and people that are upsetting; rather than challenging, being defensive or getting even; you’re creating peace where there might have been conflict. When you spend some time relaxing, meditating, cuddling up or doing what you love, you’re creating a mental and physical experience of peace that lowers your blood pressure, reduces your stress, heals your body, and opens your creativity.

When inner peace reigns, it spreads outward from yourself to your friends and family; and even strangers. Your calm and caring interior creates “vibes” that are soothing and comforting to those around you. If you can smile at the grocery cashier after the previous customer was cranky, or touch your dear one’s hand when things get edgy, or call a friend who’s going through a struggle just to say you understand; you’re creating a more peaceful family and community.

Peaceful communities work together to accept and help each other. When your neighbors rally to bring food and medicine to a friend who is ill; when we all work together to fix a local problem or pass some beneficial community laws, or just say a friendly “Hi” or pass the time of day with our neighbors; we’re creating a more trusting and peaceful society.

When we take care to make thoughtful political choices, with an eye to what is good for our neighbors as well as ourselves, and consideration for the future as well as today; in response to reasoned thinking rather than reaction to agitated commercials, we are creating a more peaceful world. When we follow the old precept to ‘think globally; act locally’ we’re creating conditions for world peace and prosperity.

Happiness is not so much getting what we want as it is acting and thinking in ways that nurture connections and harmony. Within the nurturing environment we create, love and happiness can flow and grow.

The Shape of Peace

How shall we know When peace is here to stay?
How can we grow in peaceful, loving ways?
When will the struggle be transformed into the dance?
Can faith be strong enough to take the chance?

Chorus: Hold out your hand and touch the shape of peace
And side by side we’ll watch the struggle cease
The Hand of God will touch and heal the breach
When we are one, when we have learned
The shape of peace

The shape of peace is in the silent stars
That dance in time to Power beyond ours
We can’t escape, we cannot shout it down
After the battle, the silence is profound.
© 2001 Words and music by Tina B. Tessina

May we all be blessed with The Spirit of Peace ~ Within ourselves, Within our lives, Within the world.
Wishing you a A Blessed and Peaceful 2023

(C) 2023 Tina B. Tessina Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: Should I drop the subject and keep dating him or what?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 3 years. I have recently brought up the topic of marriage. A few months ago he told me that I complete his life and that he can't imagine his life without me, but then he says he not ready for the marriage "commitment". He says that it has nothing to do with me. He also says that he knows that I would make a wonderful wife and mother. Unfortunately, I take it so personal and become so depressed. He does NOT understand why I am so harsh on myself. I feel like if he doesn't know if he wants to get married than he doesn't "love" me as much as he says he does. We basically never argue and we are the best of friends. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. Why is he so scared and why does he say he can't imagine my life without me, but will not propose marriage. I'm not saying that I want to get married at the moment, but a promise of marriage would be nice. Can you please help me out?
I'm so depressed. I don't understand?? He said that he would go to counseling with me. Help me please. What should I do? Should I drop the subject and keep dating him or what????

Dear Reader:

You may not realize it, but you're sending mixed messages about whether you really want to be married or not.  You're blaming yourself for his lack of commitment, and you seem to be fighting with yourself about whether you want the commitment or the relationship.  I suggest you take him up on his offer to go for counseling, and even get some counseling on your own.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a good therapist.

Consider the picture you're presenting to him.  Why would he want to marry you when you're depressed and upset?  Get yourself together, and figure out what you want.  Do you want marriage whether it's with him or without him?  Are you willing to be with him even if you're not married?  Pouting, being emotionally upset, and making demands are not mature and effective ways to build a working partnership. "Guidelines for Being Better Understood by Your Mate" will help you communicate more effectively.  You'll get your message across better if you stand your ground and ask for what you want.  If he says no, be prepared to end the relationship.  Once he knows you're serious, he may reconsider. How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will help you both learn how to work out your problems as a team.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

 

Dear Dr. Romance: If I want achieve a goal, what have I to do?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am from South Korea.   If I want achieve  a goal (future target) compulsory what have I to do? Every day I remind it in my prayers.  As you think will i get it or not?  Please enlighten me ...

Dear Reader:

I'm not sure I understand your question, but to achieve goals, it is important to first have a clear image of what you want to achieve. Then break your goal down into small steps, and do one step at a time.  Try reading my articles "Asking for What Your Want" ;  "Four Steps to Success" and "Your Job on Earth" for more understanding.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  will help you understand why you are getting in your own way.

  52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth will help you get to understand yourself and your wants and needs better.

  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I have never been able to find a man who will stick with me

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am fortysomething female and have never been married.  I make an excellent salary. I have never been able to find a man who will stick with me; they either use me or can't deal with my strength. My current boyfriend of over a year and a half is a few years older and was married for one year in his twenties and never married since. He is very confident, adventurous and never wanted a committed relationship. His friends were surprised when he moved in with me almost a year ago. We get along well although we are both a bit opinionated and both like to have control, but that isn't the issue, I digress.   He left home at 18 and has been independent since.   He's very attractive and had a lot of girl friends, but never stayed with any.  I make a lot more than he makes. He has told me numerous times that he does not let others take care of him and he carries his own weight. When he moved in to my condo, I asked him to cover about a fourth of the mortgage and utilities.   He was good for the first few months, until he got laid off. Now basically he isn't paying for his monthly existence. we've decided to sell my condo and buy a house but we cannot afford a house on what equity I have in my condo alone. He has no savings. I set up a separate savings account for the down payment. He gives me some money each month for the savings, but none for the expenses. 

I do love him and I know he loves me. He takes care of me when I'm sick. My family and friends see how he loves me too. I don't think that he purposely is lacking on the money issue. He told me that he will marry me some day but I have no idea when that some day will be. He talks like everything is both of ours, yet I don't feel he is contributing what he should be. I don't even know for sure how much he has in savings.  I don't think he is trying to use me but I have been used in the past and I won't go for it again.

He also has done nothing about retirement. He says that he plans to work until he dies. I have told him that he needs to put some money away because Social Security won't cover the type of house payment we will be looking at but he just doesn't seem to get it.  I stand up for myself at work, but I have not been able to do that in most of the relationships that I have had with males that I care for. Please help me define some guidelines for talking with him about these issues and getting satisfactory results. I want this relationship to last.

Dear Reader:

Congratulations on your career success.  I doubt that your trouble with men can be blamed on your financial status, I think it's a problem with the men you were choosing.   For example, staying with men who are emotionally unavailable. Discover more about choices in "You Be the Judge"

The man you have now seems at least partly reliable, and it sounds as if he cares, but he doesn't sound very motivated to be in a committed relationship, and for a relationship to work, both parties must be committed. You have done a lot on your own, and you deserve credit for that, but that won't work in relationship.  You must have a partner who doesn't need to be persuaded and coaxed into marriage. If you want to limp along in this situation, that's your choice.  I recommend that you get therapy to build your self-esteem.  I have a suspicion that you don't believe you're worthy of a man who can love you wholeheartedly.  Please be very cautious about getting any more financially entangled with this man you are now living with. A "very attractive man" who plays around is not avoiding  relationships because the women have money; he just doesn't want to be accountable. and I suspect, he hasn't fully grown up.

He's not walking his talk when it comes to letting you pay for things.  The more you let him use you, the more he probably will.  You can choose to stay in the situation you are now in, but I'd advise against buying a house with this man.   You sound too smart and capable to be stuck with a semi-loser.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will help you understand what an equal relationship is, and how to achieve it, with this man or someone else.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: Mirrors and Teachers

Dr. Romance writes: There are people in my life who are  easy to be around, and others I love who are more difficult for me.  It’s not that they’re bad people, others get along with them fine, and, actually, so do I.  It’s just that I have to work a little bit more to understand what they mean, to not take what they say the wrong way, or use a little more patience around them, because their personalities or styles are quite different from mine.  I find it worth the work, because our differences stretch me a bit, and enrich my life and understanding in ways that more similar people don’t.  Challenging relationships can be the most rewarding, because they teach the biggest lessons.

 

Perhaps you have run into people who test your patience at work, with friends, or among extended family.   Sometimes people are difficult to handle because they remind us of other people we had problems with in the past, so we’re attracted and frustrated at the same time.  Others can be difficult for many people around them. Problems with a familiar type of person may not emerge until you’re already bonded and involved as friends or partners. 

 

Many valuable gifts come through overcoming negative reactions, and learning to view others as reflections of ourselves – useful mirrors.  The following exercise will help you step back and look at others as a source of information about yourself,  view people from a different angle and use the very people who upset you as a reflection of the internal dynamics behind your struggles.

 

Exercise: mirrors and teachers

 

1. List problem people: Make a list of people with whom you have had problems in the recent past.  You can use the list from the exercise for reviewing your family map in the last chapter, choose the family members who are still presenting problems, and add to it other people who are difficult, but aren’t related.

 

2. Choose a mirror: Select one of the most difficult people on the list, and think about your interaction with that person.  What do you want from him or her?  Do you want to be understood? To be respected? To be left alone? To be appreciated? To be cared about?

 

3. Relate it to yourself:  Now consider how to give to yourself what you want from the other person.  If you want to be left alone, do you leave yourself alone?  If you want to be trusted, do you trust yourself?  If you want to be heard, do you listen to your own self?  If you want to be important, are you important to you?

 

4. Change your self-treatment: Practice treating yourself the way you would want to be treated by the person in question.  For example, if you are angry because this person doesn’t treat you with respect, consider what it would mean to treat yourself with respect, and change your behavior toward yourself accordingly.  If you’re upset because the person doesn’t listen to you, spend some time every day listening to yourself. 

 

5. Learn new skills:  Think about the dynamics between the difficult person and yourself, and what you need to learn that would improve the relationship.  Perhaps you need to learn not to take what is said too seriously.   Perhaps you need to learn to set boundaries, or to handle other peoples’ anger more effectively.  Make a list of new skills you could learn that would improve your ability to deal better with this type of individual.  On you list, note where you think you could learn the skills you need.  From a friend? With a therapist? From books? Some of the exercises in the rest of this book may give you what you need. 

 

6. Do your part: Take responsibility for your part of the relationship.  Keeping in mind that no one can struggle with you if you don’t struggle back, consider what you need to do to remove yourself from the relationship problem.  Remember, no matter what’s going on, you have control over your own actions – you can choose not to participate in any situation that is destructive or counter-productive. (From It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction )

 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm Jealous (x 3)

 Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been with my partner for two years, and we have a pretty good relationship, except for one thing.  He's a softball nut! He practices twice a week and plays a game almost every weekend. It isn’t just for the summer, either.  Even when there is no official season happening, he still gets together with his softball teammates, and they practice or do something else.

 

I hate softball!  I don't mind going to a game once in a while, but I don’t like it all the time.  I want to go to theatre, movies, concerts, etc.  How can I get him to give up softball and do things I want to do?

 

DON'T TAKE ME TO THE BALL GAME

 

Dear Dr. Romance:

 

My partner is an athlete in training who takes very long, fast bike rides several times a week. Recently, he has been taking these rides with another man, rather than alone, and I'm jealous. I have a physical handicap, and cannot ride at his pace, so I can't go with him.

 

We have a very nice relationship, and I'm very happy, except for this problem.  How can I get him to stop taking these rides with his "friend"?

 

LEFT OUT

 

Dear Dr. Romance:

 

It's been another bad Saturday.  I love the beach, and my partner doesn't.  We go, and she complains about the heat, the sand on the blanket, she's restless, she wants to go home before I do, she doesn't want to read the book she brought, and on and on until I give up and go home.

 

I love this woman most of the time, but after a day at the beach I never want to see her again! This wears off after a while, but it’s taking longer and longer for me to forgive her. I’m real tired of it!

 

I've even suggested she do something else, and let me go to the beach alone for a couple of hours, but she doesn't want to. What can I do?

 

FRUSTRATED AT THE BEACH

 

Dear Readers:

 

 

These are problems I hear constantly.  Where did we all get the idea that partners are conjoined twins?  None of you claims to be joined to your partner at the hip.

 

So much damage is done when you’re together only because you don’t want to be alone. The appropriate reason for partners to be together is because they want to.  That includes enjoying each other and whatever activity you are doing. The minute one of you begins to feel you’re together because you have to be, the problems begin.  That's when someone begins to feel trapped, and to push for space.  If there's no understanding of the need for space, hurt feelings result, and you're off and running.

 

It is not reasonable or advisable to ask your partner to give up an important or favorite activity because you don’t like it, or because you can't join in.  That's life.  Learn to handle it. Before long, you may be surprised to find out that you actually enjoy your separate time, and you'll also notice that your time together is enhanced by the separation.

 

If you're the one with the favorite activity, firmly and gently insist on your right to do it alone. "Gentle Persistence"  will show you how.  If your partner has the activity, and you don’t like it, he or she should go without you.  Now, here’s the hard part. Your partner may want company for this favorite activity.  Yes, you must deal with that, too. Your partner’s companion in sports or hobbies is his/her friend, not your rival. Friends are a necessary support system to every relationship.

 

If you don't trust your partner, that is a separate and important issue, calling for counseling.  Either your insecurity or your partner's integrity (or both) need help.  Learning to make realistic, honest agreements will solve this problem. "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will show you how to do that.

 

If you feel left out, then you need activities and companions of your own. I recommend that you find some resources to meet people who are in relationships and not a threat to your own.  

 

These people are interested in networking to support your relationship and their own, and they have a busy calendar which can help you fill the empty spaces in your life. Having separate activities can take a tremendous amount of pressure off a relationship.

 

One caution: when you have a separate activity from your partner, it's important that your partner feel invited to join in from time to time.  If you're doing something your partner cannot join, then arrange occasional social gatherings with the other persons involved.  Have brunch, lunch, a party or a picnic with your friends and your partner. This makes it clear that it's the activity that is separate, and that you are not sneaking or hiding.

 

If the activity would be open, but your partner's attitude makes things difficult, include your partner occasionally anyway. Since you get to do what you want most of the time, accommodating your partner occasionally won't be too hard, and it will keep everything in perspective.

 

It's not only OK, it's healthy to have different activities and different friends as well as what you share. Just remember to do it with love and consideration. "Handling the Green-Eyed Monster" will give you more information about handling jealousy.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will help you fix these problems and have a happier relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: I become involved with men who can't find enough sexual fulfillment with me

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I have discovered that my new husband has a new listing on a bisexual web site, indicating that he is married and mostly heterosexual but wants to meet and be sexually involved with men. This is particularly troubling for me because we promised that our relationship would remain open to new sexual experiences, but that anything that happened would be something we would do together, out in the open, no lies or secrets. Before this, I was in a long-term relationship with someone I was intensely bonded to, only to gradually discover he was leading two lives; and the life without me included hundreds of casual sexual encounters and more. I loved that man so much that it took me two years to finally decide, and have the strength, to admit that I would never be happy with him again and that I had to move on. My husband is well aware that the lying and duplicity is a huge issue for me, knows what I experienced before meeting him, and I am heartbroken that it is happening again, and I feel like I'm somehow doing this, setting myself up to find and become involved with men who can't find enough sexual fulfillment with me, that need to lie and sneak around behind my back to find it elsewhere. I'm a very physical, affectionate and sexual person, old enough to not harbor silly sexual hangups and pretty adventurous, kept myself in great shape and take pride in my appearance. Further, I know my husband is really, truly in love with me (former relationship is still in love with me, for that matter); I'm heartbroken and bewildered. I need to speak with someone who is comfortable and non-judgmental with bisexuality and alternative sexual lifestyles, and I need that person to help me understand what I'm dealing with and sort all of this out. We both have children from previous marriages, we have blended our families together, and divorce is not an option, nor is it what I would choose.  I'm just devastated and heartbroken, and I don't really understand what I'm dealing with. And, no, I haven't told him that I know about this.

Dr. Romance Replies:　

You must be pretty highly sexual, because you are attracted to what Alfred Kinsey designated the "high frequency male." These are men who feel compelled to have an orgasm daily, with a partner or without. You're certainly loveable. Now all you need is to find a man as healthy as you are, which will require judgement on your part.  "You Be the Judge" will help you think more clearly about the men you're attracted to.

Your current partner sounds as if he's struggling with his own sexual identity, and he sounds more gay than straight, but no one will really know that until he sorts it out. It's not an easy thing to do. Yes, he had to know how badly this would hurt you, but he's also not entirely in control of his own actions, because he's denying (confused about) his own sexual orientation.

I'm sorry for your loss, but I suggest you let it be a loss, because it's going to take this man a long time to sort himself out. Do your grieving, and then examine the criteria you're using to choose your men. I know you said you didn't want a divorce, but I think it will come to that, eventually.

You can stay if you want, but I think, sooner or later, he'll go. You definitely could use some support: this is a very tough thing to go through.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely "  will help you get support for yourself.   How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will show you both how to discuss your desires and needs openly and without fighting.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: should the single man feel that he is sinning?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I would like your opinion on this..  If a married woman starts seeing a single man, should the single man feel that he is sinning? The single man does not know if the woman will leave her husband or not. This is going on 7 months. The man knew she was married before the relationship started. Does the single man tell her it is over or just keep going? He has his doubts because her lifestyle would change. She is more scared about fighting for her half and also her mother. She thinks he is god and he really is not. She tells me the good and bad. He is very possessive. So why is she still in the marriage after 17 years. She can not answer that or she won't. Her marriage is just living with this man. She does not see him attractive or has not made love to him since 2001. She makes a lot of money, and it is amazing how cheap she is.

Dear Reader:

Whether or not you're sinning is outside my purview.  I'm afraid this woman is just using you, to make her feel better, but I doubt she'll leave her marriage.  As you say, she is financially comfortable.  I doubt if she's telling you the truth about her marriage, or about whether she has sex with her husband.   This doesn't sound like a good situation to me, I suggest you find a real relationship, with someone who is free to love you.  "Where is love"  and "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will help you get the kind of relationship you're looking for. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you find a more equal and healthy relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dr. Romance on: Where is Love?

Dr. Romance writes:

Probably the most prevalent question I’m asked in my counseling practice is "Where is love?" Clients want to know why they can’t find a successful life partnership, why a friend or family member won’t respond as they would like, even why they don’t love themselves. In a perfect world, love wouldn’t be something we have to learn – if you believe in a loving cosmos, then we were all conceived in Love, and it’s Love that created us. But, we live in a human world, and we’re all imperfect beings, falling short time and time again in our attempts to love one another and even to love ourselves.

So, we have to learn to love, and even learn to be loved. The more we can learn to think of ourselves surrounded by Love, living in Love, breathing Love in and out, the more we begin to feel it, and the more we attract it. As we understand this, we begin to meld our imperfect, human world with the larger, more expansive world of Love, and things begin to happen that we cannot anticipate. Expecting a miracle, as long as we really strive to understand what miraculous means, will actually make it happen. It's not really magic, unless you believe as I do, that the mind is a miracle in itself.

Think of it this way: every opportunity we have to be loving is a course in emotional growth – thinking about love and relationships as a learning experience will make it easier to increase your loving potential.

Most of us are quite practiced in taking courses. If you sign up for an algebra course, for example, you know what you’ll face: 10 (or so) weeks of learning new material and homework assignments consisting of more and more complex problems based on the material learned. You may grumble about the homework load, or complain about the teacher, but you never think you've been given the problems as punishment. Problems are a natural part of the educational process.

Life, too is a classroom with many classes. One of the most rigorous courses is Love 101. It's required, no one escapes it, and the skills learned are useful for an entire lifetime. The syllabus for this class includes love of self, family, and friends. The advanced syllabus includes love of enemies and those who disappoint, hurt or frustrate us. All of the problems presented are to help us stretch and grow emotionally.

Every relationship you have is a learning lesson in love, both of yourself and of the other. By keeping in mind you are a student, and problems are to learn from, you will make life easier, growth faster, and everything will make more sense.

Your homework is to learn about love. This week’s assignment might be some difficulty with a friend or family member. How are you going to solve the problem of loving that friend who’s not treating you well? How are you going to turn an abrasive situation into a smooth path? Or maybe the person who’s not being so nice to you is actually yourself. So, what can you do, when you’re at odds with you, to reconcile and turn the criticism into appreciation and love for self? Sometimes a romantic partner or spouse is the biggest challenge. What if your partner is not listening to you, or resisting your ideas? How can you love that, and make enough room in your heart to hear him or her first, and help the atmosphere change from hostile to loving? And what if your assignment is creating a romance where none exists? How can you do that with love for yourself, and with the positive belief that there’s enough love in this imperfect world that you can have what you want?

Once you’ve been disappointed or hurt, being afraid is natural, and it’s even a healthy response to facing a situation you’ve had trouble with before. Your fears are saying, in effect "I’ve had a bad time with this before -- I don’t feel prepared to do it again." Rather than letting that message frighten you away, learn to love your emotions for wanting to keep you safe, and discover a new, slower, safer path to tread. But don’t give up on the goal. You have learned a lot in your lifetime, and all of us can always learn something more about love.

(c) 2022 Tina B. Tessina from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]

Dear Dr. Romance: My husband who is 39 left me for a girl of 19

Dear  Dr. Romance: 
My husband who is 39 left me for a girl of 19. Not attractive, a student who works in a cigarette store. He moved out so fast and had her in his life as fast that  I'm still reeling 4 months later. We lost our home and have a lot of debt. Why do I want him back? Why do I have hope? I raised his son who is also out of my life (15 years old).

I am doing better day by day but still wish they were here. The girl is at his house a lot. But I keep hearing that it isn't what I think, and that he knows it won't last. I find this compulsion to  drive by his house to see if she is there. He had been "talking" to her for a while before he left but when he decided to leave it was fast. I realize this seems like rambling but we lost everything and I am barely making it as he says the same is true for him. So how or what do I do to get through?

Dear Reader:
I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time.  I'm guessing that your husband has been seeing this girl for a while, and he did it as an escape from all the pressures of his (and your) real life.  I'm glad you're doing better day by day.  This is a good time for you to focus on making friends and staying close to your own family and the friends that you have.  Join some activities which will be there for you on a regular basis.  You need to get a lawyer and file for divorce.  Your husband may have more money than he's letting you know.  A lawyer can find that out for you.  "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again"  will help you move on. "Decisions After Forty: Reinventing the Rest of Your Life" will start you thinking constructively about  the areas you need to restructure in your life. The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make after Forty gives you a plan for picking yourself up and starting over to build a more successful and satisfying life. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at [email protected]