Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dr. Romance on Grief: From Surviving to Thriving

Dr. Romance has had many clients who are grieving, and wrote this to help. 

None of us wants to think about it, but the standard definition of a totally successful relationship is the old, traditional "til death do us part." Any time we love, whether it’s a life partner, a dear friend, a child, a sibling, a parent or even a beloved pet, we are risking the loss of that love.

When you're happy with someone, you often don't think about your happiness or even fully realize it. You may take your contentment for granted. You watch couples around you struggle, or even go through your own struggles, and realize you’re lucky to have a successful partnership, but you don’t dwell on it. Then comes the tragic event, and the world turns upside-down.

If it's a long illness, the support system your partner used to be is gone, and you are required to be the support system.  Depending on the length of an illness, you may begin to grieve as your partner declines. All the little things you took for granted become crystal clear in their absence.  If the death is sudden (i.e. auto accident, brain aneurism) you go into shock at first.  Either way, you must go through the necessary awfulness -- identifying the body, making funeral arrangements, notifying people, comforting relatives, friends and children and the memorial itself – like a robot, mostly without feeling.   

It isn't until weeks or months after the burial that you really get to experience.....Grief. Grief is an organic process, it has its own wisdom, and it needs a witness. An understanding friend may be able to listen and be with you, and that is very healing. There is nothing you can do to make such a tragedy less tragic, so the grief, anger and frustration that you feel are normal reactions to the circumstances. Slowly, you go through the stages of grief: shock, anger, seeking, depression and peace. It's normal to feel fear that this might happen again, rage that it happened at all, a need for prayer and comfort, bouts of being overwhelmed and thinking you can't go on, and, finally, acceptance and understanding that this devastating event is a part of the risky life we humans all live. These feelings will come jumbled up, they'll recycle, and come in different order. As the shock wears off, and the permanence of the loss sets in, many feelings emerge:  Some people may feel a bit relieved, some will be angry, some will pray or question God, and others just feel exhausted, disconnected, and overwhelmed . This jumble of feelings includes the anger, seeking and depression phases.

To help you sort them out, here are some possibilities

* If you feel inspired to do something hopeful (for example, setting up a memorial fund, or praying, giving blood, writing letters), do it.

* If you feel discouraged, just feel it; it will pass, and it may indicate that you need a rest.

* If you feel like laughing, don't worry about it: it's a good way to manage tragedy. It often signifies the beginning of healing.

* If you feel angry, remember anger is the underside of love -- it's an expression of the value you attach to the life lost, and very appropriate. But it, too, will come and go and fade with time.

* If you are afraid, of course you are. We are all programmed to want to live, and being so heavily confronted with the fragility of life is terrifying. Yes, it could have been you, it will eventually be you, but we humans are resilient, and the fear, too will pass.

* If you feel hopeless, it is because you are realizing that life is not in your own control. This is when faith and a belief in a higher purpose to life is very helpful. If you haven't discovered a belief in higher purpose, then this would be a good time to search. Talk to clergy, read philosophy, meditate, pray, even get your fortune told. All these methods of attempting to understand the ineffable are imperfect, but they all can help.

* If you need support for your own struggle with these issues, gather friends, family and neighbors around you. We never need each other more than at times like this. We need to feel a part of a larger, safer group. Although you may want solitude from time to time, to get your thoughts together, be careful not to get too isolated

Getting through the jumble of feelings that is the grief process will take at least a year, perhaps several. The first year is the hardest, because you encounter special days, birthdays, holidays and anniversaries all around the calendar. Once you've survived each of these once, it gets a little easier. Eventually you will have survived and healed, and be willing to take another chance. The promise of happiness is strong enough that the risk is worth it. You'll probably experience some guilt, but know that if your former partner loved you, she or he would want you to be happy. This new relationship will feel even more precious than the previous one, because you'll know that it isn't here forever. You'll have a feeling of gratitude toward your previous partner, for the love you shared and what it taught you that makes it possible to have this new love.

I have also created an online course: Grief: What it is, Why we have it, and How to get through it 

Article adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My girlfriend has a driving phobia

Dear Dr. Romance

I was looking at the articles on your website and I really liked a lot of things that you have to say about dealing with life, ourselves, others, and the interaction of all three.  I am contacting you in hopes that you might be able to provide me with some advice or lead me to a source of advice. Here is the situation. My serious girlfriend (finances prevent her from being a fiancée) is over twenty years old, and has never had a drivers' license. She has attempted to learn in the past, but has not been able to overcome very acute anxiety about driving.  She says the anxiety creates undesired physical consequences and clouded judgement, and she loses control. Although I love her dearly and want to be there for her, this has become somewhat of a burden. She is willing to try to learn again, but is sure that she will never be able to drive.  This mindset is very difficult for me to help her overcome despite my willingness and patience.

If you could provide me with some advice or direction to help resolve this issue, I would greatly appreciate it. Perhaps you can provide a starting point for "self-help" so to speak.

Dr. Romance replies:

I'm afraid "self-help" won't work with this problem. Your girlfriend is having anxiety attacks, exacerbated by her vision problem. She needs counseling with a trained counselor who is expert in anxiety problems and phobias. It's actually a relatively easy problem to fix. Please read the free article "Handling Anxiety Effectively"  and "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  Both articles will give you more understanding of the problem and what to do about it.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help both you and your girlfriend understand the origins of the anxiety, and what needs to be done about it.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I have become quite the online Romeo

Dear Dr. Romance:
   
  Hi, I read a few of your articles. I always find your info helpful and interesting   I have been divorced now going on 6 years, I am man in my early 40s, and have been internet dating consistently. Yikes! I never have trouble getting the dates, I've been selective, and have been out with some of the most beautiful in my eyes women (body and soul.)

My last count, I have been on almost four hundred dates, including someone I just met and basically spent the weekend with.  It seems like she and I could be a good match, but its still kinda early to tell obviously.  I have become quite the online Romeo, yet my love life could be construed as a comic tragedy. My dating has produced some of the most bizarre, yet entertaining stories. Most people urge me to write a book.   I am not sure where to look for, or what kind of therapist may most likely be able to help me in this realm.  I have seemed to develop an addiction to this internet dating, and my quest to find my significant other.   I feel I need to find a professional, who may have understanding and hip about today's culture and the internet.

Any suggestions? Cause I feel like I could use some. Am I stuck in some complex? 
  
Dear Reader:

Well, you might have become habituated to the thrills of online dating, especially because it's easy for you to get responses. However, as you have found, there is a difference between meeting someone online and dating her, and actually having a real, lasting relationship.  Just like someone who eats too many sweets you have to decide if you just want to party or if you want some real nutrition.

You can't learn what you want to know about a potential relationship from meeting online and spending the weekend alone together.  I recommend you get off line for a while, and try meeting women in the real world.  Join some kind of class, group or association (not a singles group or dating club)  that has content, where people are doing things together, and you can get to know someone before you date her and have sex with her.  If you do want a lasting relationship, you're going to have to find someone who has a lot more to offer than just sex.  And, you will have to offer more, too.   The question is, do you want to fool around, or do you want to build a life?

I do think therapy would be helpful to you. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a good counselor.  "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" is about where and how to look for a true partner. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you understand what you need and want in a real relationship, and how to find that.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am beyond confused

Dear Dr. Romance:

I need help! I am beyond confused. My husband is having an affair for more than six months with some woman who is 15 years younger than him. He lives with this women for all practical purposes and only comes home to sleep. He shows up at 11:00 p.m. at night and leaves by 7:30 A.M the next morning. We have been married for 19 years and we have 3 children.

It is very hard to know what he likes or dislikes about me because he communicates very little of himself. He likes to joke and make a joke out of everything and laugh while interacting. He comes home like nothing is wrong and we were never a couple. He is cordial with me and wants to have a conversation about the news or impersonal subjects.

I tried talking with him about what is going on (I have information from other sources) but he says He does not want to talk about it right at this moment. I feel trapped because my job is in jeopardy because of the housing problem. I have worked for this company for 8 years and I feel they would have to close pretty soon.

He gives me his check and spends some money but he does not pay the other woman's rent. I would like to try everything. Even though he does not seem interested in leaving this women. I need your help.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry to say this, but I think you should call a lawyer. Sometimes, it's only when a man is confronted with the loss of his family that he'll realize he's making a problem for himself. My guess is that this other woman is an escape from all the hassles of life with you. Sorry to be so blunt, but, to him, you probably represent responsibility and lots of problems to solve, while she gets to be fun and sexy. That's not a tough choice for a self-involved man, until he sees it's going to cost him.

I don't know enough to know if you or he earns more money. If it's him, he may have to pay you spousal support plus child support. Actually, losing your job right now could be the best thing, legally. It would make him even more financially responsible under the law. That may turn his head around.

You have to take care of yourself and your children. Go see a lawyer, get some advice so you know where you stand. This is not just some casual affair. He's all but living with this woman. You need to protect your rights. Fight for your self-esteem, for your children, for your marriage. It will be tough, but worth it.  "Asking for What you Want"  will help you communicate what you want. "Setting Boundaries and Saying No"  will help you learn to stand up for yourself.  The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty  will help you understand what you want, and make good decisions for yourself in your circumstance.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Living Outside the Box

Dr. Romance writes:

I was speaking with a client today about his burn-out in his career.  This is a man who’s been very successful, earned a lot of money, and worked hard for a big, national corporation.  I told him he was burned-out, and on strike, because he had put himself in a box about work.  The box consisted of four walls:                                                                  

Wall #1: I have to make $$$$ amount of money

Wall #2: I have to work for a certain kind of company

Wall #3: I’m scared about letting myself be creative (the unknown)

Wall #4: I hate all of it. 

When he put up these walls, he was out of options, and stuck in a terrible place.  If he could take down even one of the walls, he could let himself out of the box. 

Later in the afternoon, I was speaking with another client about relationships. He wanted to figure out what ‘box’ (his word) a person in his life would fit in – lover, friend, etc.  I told him that he couldn’t put another person in a box – the only one he could put in a box was himself– what he was willing to do in the relationship, and what he wasn’t willing to do. And then make sure he set those boundaries for himself and lived up to it.                                                           

I frequently see people who are unhappy in their relationships, and feel too stuck to do anything about it.  Their boxes usually consist of the following walls:

Wall #1: I’m very unhappy, but I can’t do anything about it

Wall #2: I have to keep this relationship, I won’t find another.

Wall #3: I can’t tell my partner what’s wrong, because he or she would be angry/hurt.

Wall #4: I can’t change what I’m doing without my partner’s consent. 

Again, looking at the imaginary walls that have you trapped, and letting down even one wall can give you the power you need to make changes, improve your relationship and create a happier life. 

There are many possible boxes you can encounter in life.  It’s easy to get locked in by shoulds, have-to’s, can’ts and won’ts to the point that you can’t move at all.  We can get stuck in work boxes, family boxes, relationship boxes and health boxes.  Other people can try to put us in boxes.  Boxes are traps constructed of imaginary walls – prohibitions we believe are real, but turn out to be false when examined.

How do you tell if you’re in a box? 

*When you’re boxed in, you’ll feel discouraged and hopeless (people often mistake this for depression,) frustrated, blocked and angry. 

*You may shut down and not be able to get yourself to do things you know would be good for you like take care of your health, be loving toward your partner or family, or be motivated in your career. 

*You may feel cranky and out of sorts, and find yourself pushing friends and family away. 

*The pain of being boxed in can also bring on addiction symptoms – drinking too much, overeating, overspending, or a drug habit. 

What can you do about it?

When one of my clients feels very stressed, stuck and down, I usually suspect they’ve gotten themselves into a box.  After they talk for a while, I can frequently hear them delineate the walls that have them trapped.  When you find yourself feeling trapped and discouraged, you can get out of it by following these steps:

1. Realize that you’ve mentally boxed yourself in with a series of restrictions that feel real, but are actually fiction masquerading as fact.

2. Become aware of the negative messages you’re telling yourself: If you’re telling yourself things like: “It’s too scary” “I can’t do that because....”  “I’m not worth it” “I can’t handle that” “it won’t work;” you’re building and reinforcing walls.

 3. Challenge at least one of the walls.  Create affirmations – positive statements you repeat to yourself to counter negative thoughts – by using a negative thought and turning it around.  “It’s too scary” becomes “I am not afraid.”  “Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude”  will show you more ways to do it.

 4. Take a step outside the box.  Once you see what the mental walls of your box are, and challenge them, you’ll be freed up to try something new, and get out of the box. 

5. Celebrate your accomplishment to create motivation for taking more steps to happiness.

Once you understand that your box is not as real as it feels, you can make your way to a happier life.  May all your dreams come true.

 

Adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction                         

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I seem to ruminate all day about myself

Dear Dr. Romance:  

I live in Scotland and I think we are quite backward when it comes to mental health issues. I have spoken to 2 therapists now about my obsessive thinking, both of whom seem strangely perplexed by what I perceive to be quite a common problem.  I seem to ruminate all day about myself, seeking solutions for a mental health problem.  The problem of which I talk is the fact that I think about having a mental health problem all the time.  As you can see it is just a vicious circle, the reality is that there is no problem other than the thinking about there being a problem and that in turns leads to anxiety about the fact 'it's not normal to be thinking like this all the time'.  Sometimes I can just accept it, other times I let it overwhelm me. 

Hope this makes some sense, I'm looking for some guidance. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
 
Dear Reader:

In order to change obsessive thinking quickly, you must replace the obsessive thoughts with more positive ones. For your problem, I'd suggest you do affirmations along the lines of "I, [your name] am relaxed and mentally healthy."   "Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude" contains specific steps to follow. "Resolving Inner Anarchy" will help you gain control over your thoughts.

It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 
will give you more in-depth work to heal the underlying causes of your perseveration.  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Was there anything else I could have done?

Dear Dr. Romance   
Recently, I have gone back to online dating but have some very strong concerns.  I just severed a 5-year relationship with a man who seems to have an internet addiction.  He worked from home and was constantly on the porn and personals (by looking at his History).  The internet was rather an intense issue for me making me distrusting our relationship.  We at one time came to an agreement that there would be a limitation with the porn.  But over the 5 years, I came so mentally, emotionally, and physically drained that I was seeing two therapists this year for counseling and medication.  He said that he has it under control.  So while I made arrangements to move out of his house, he was trying to hook up with men for sex.  Then he met up with an out- of -state woman by texting and now has pursued a business and sexual relationship working on a patent to  have a monitoring device to protect women against sexual assault.  Was there anything else I could have done?  This was a very painful experience for me, but it seems that he just moves with one situation to another with no repercussion.

Dear Reader:

You're right to have some doubts about Internet dating and addiction.  It's a very big problem these days, lots of people in my office with Internet addiction problems.  One thing you can do is make sure whomever you meet is connected with people face to face, has friends and goes out to see people and do things with friends.  People with no face-to-face social connections are more likely to have online issues.  How a person relates to you is important, but it is not the only important thing.  Healthy people have social networks, friendships, and interests outside the home. 

 "Stupid Cupid"; "Where is Love?"  and "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship"   will help you gain a better understanding of how to keep yourself safe and to find a healthy partner

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  has the information and exercises you need to create a successful relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I want the playgirl, but they like the bad boy type

Dear Dr. Romance:

This is something that's puzzling me for along time.  I often do want the playgirl, but they like the more bad boy type.

I know for sure I want sex without strings attached, many men get this, but I simply attract women who want a boyfriend, and I don't want this! It seems as if society is saying, cause I'm a nice guy, I must be trapped into a commitment to get what I want which is sex.

The women that are attracted to me are not at my standard level. I know this for a fact. They are not equal to me. They are trying to get a "catch" and something out of their league. I simply can't accept this. However I'm miserable and tormented. But I can't settle for what I don't want either.

Dear Reader:

Men have fantasized about two categories of women for centuries: the "good girl" who is marriage material, and the "bad girl" who is fun but not worthy of commitment. Women are much more complex people than than, and they're now having their turn to reject those notions.

My question is, what do you want and who are you looking for? Your lack of clarity about this probably  projects itself, and women react to the confusion. If you want a playboy life, I guess you'll have to be more like one, but I bet it won't  make you happy. And the women you attract won't make you happy, either. 

Are you looking for a long-term relationship? There are plenty of  worthy women out there who are looking for the same thing. Are you looking for a good time and no expectations?   Then you want a playgirl, who will probably be more attracted to the "bad boy" type, and more interested in what you can give her, materially. Don't forget, though, that you won't be allowed to have any expectations either.  You'll find, if you take the time to sort out your priorities and look a little deeper under the surface, that when you get clear about the kind of real woman and relationship you want, she will appear, like magic.

Well, a relationship with "no strings" is not a relationship, it's a one-night stand, or maybe several, with the same person.  To get sex without strings, you pretty much have to settle for a woman who doesn't want to settle down, or grow up.  Most stable women are looking for relationships. Almost any woman you have sex with several times in a row will think you're in a relationship with her.  The best way to find a woman who doesn't want attachment is to find someone who is married, and wants an affair. Or, you might try someone who has a very demanding career, and just wants sex when she wants it.  Try stating your desires online: be very upfront about it, and see what you get. "Friends With Benefits" might answer some of your questions.  Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will help you figure out what you want and then find it.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

The Good Boss and the Bad Boss: Motivation and How to Create It

Dr. Romance writes:

Many of my clients have come in complaining of a lack of motivation; from not being motivated enough on the job, to not being able to diet, quit smoking, or get out of bed in the morning. They desire to achieve both positive and negative motivations — positive motivations and being motivations toward doing something; negative motivations being toward NOT doing something (not smoking, for example). Almost invariably, the method they have tried before (unsuccessfully) has been to beat themselves into it. This happens through a negative inner dialog, such as: “You lazy person, you’ll never get anywhere;” “you have to do this whether you like it or not;” or “no one will ever love you until you do.” Sometimes, they have tried bribing or persuading themselves, which works for a while, but fails sooner or later. Sometimes, they have gotten another person to push them around, such as a motivational group, hypnosis, a parent or parent substitute, who will insist that they have to behave.

This third option works quite well for some people for a long time. However, the nature of this persuasion is to overpower the client’s natural process, and the people who come to me come because they have rebelled against the authority of that person or group, and find that now they can’t do what they would like to because of their rebellion! The truth is, that if we believe someone else is pushing us around, we are not likely to respond cooperatively. Especially when the “pushy person” is oneself!!! The fact is, no matter how nasty and angry these people get with themselves, they cannot get motivated. Together, my clients and I have had tremendous, verifiable success with these problems, and every client who has worked with me has succeeded in getting motivated, both “negative motivation” and “positive motivation”.

The reason for such success is that creating motivation is easy. I maintain that motivation grows out of celebration and appreciation. I like to state it in equation form: celebration + appreciation = motivation By this I mean that if you can find a way to appreciate yourself for what you’ve already accomplished, and to celebrate your previous successes (and believe em, you CAN find a way), you will find you are “magically” motivated to accomplish more. No struggle, no hassle -- you accomplish out of the pure fun of success! To illustrate what I mean, I will describe two possible employers. The “bad boss” and the “good boss”.

The Bad Boss
●Operates through intimidation and criticism...
●Always complains; never praises (you only know you’re doing OK because the boss says nothing)
●Gets nasty if you make a mistake
●Humiliates you in front of others
●Never thinks you’ve done enough
●Assumes you are lazy and dishonest
●Changes the rules arbitrarily
●Is never satisfied of pleased

The Good Boss
●Praises Frequently
●Always lets you know when you’re doing well
●Asks you what you need whenever you’ve made a mistake;
●Is very helpful
●Is concerned about your well-being as well as your productivity
●Assumes you want to do a good job
●Helps you feel like part of the team
●Treats you as a valued human being
●Is clear about the duties expected of you.

Both of these bosses have the same goal: to get the job done. However, there is a big difference in the success of their individual management styles. Think about your probable reaction to the two styles of management.

The bad boss’s office is characterized by tension and anger. People work only to keep the boss off their backs, and consequently goof-off whenever he/she is not around. They are not efficient, because they are not motivated to accomplish anything, merely to avoid the boss’s anger. They are operating in a mental state we call “adaptation”, which is focused on keeping someone (usually someone angry or nasty) off their backs. They have little loyalty to anything but their paychecks, and perhaps each other, as mistreated prisoners are loyal to each other when confronting the jailer. Offices whicha re characterized by inefficiency and disharmony. If this boss requires overtime, he/she encounters resistance. If you were working for this boss, how would you feel? Would you go to work happily each day? Would you volunteer for extra work? Would you look forward to each new assignment? Probably not. In short, you would not feel highly motivated, would you?

On the other hand, the employees of the good boss tend to care about themselves and their jobs. They feel proud of their accomplishments, and eager to learn more and accomplish more. If the boss is gone, the work still goes on, because people are in a mental state of motivation, and are being gratified by their sense of accomplishment. When this boss requests overtime, he/she will be met with a cooperative response.

Again, take a moment and picture yourself in this situation. How would you feel? Would you feel eager to please this boss? Would you look forward to his/her reaction to your latest work? Would you be willing to help out, if extra work were necessary? Most likely, you would--you would feel enthusiastic and motivated, looking forward to work each day. Notice the difference in your energy in the two situations. Which boss would you rather work for?

In the daily tasks and situations of our lives, we become our own bosses; whether we are aware of it or not. We have a choice about which kind of a boss we wish to be to ourselves. If you really want to be productive, you will choose to become the good boss to yourself. This means you learn to treat yourself with kindness and understanding, be very generous with praise, and gentle with corrections. Then you will accomplish your goals with a sense of pride and achievement, and a great deal of pleasure. You will feel motivated, and wonder why you never realized how easy it was. All of this can be accomplished through the two “magic motivators”: celebration and appreciation.

Most of us know how to appreciate others. However, when it comes to ourselves, we feel embarrassed and uncomfortable if we are too generous with praise. Years of being told not to brag or to be stuck up when we were young have taken their toll, and self-appreciation comes awkwardly. However, if motivation is a desirable trait, then self-appreciation becomes necessary and desirable too. The good news is that you can learn it. If you would like to learn self-appreciation and it is difficult for you, I recommend practicing in several ways. Many of my clients have found it fun to buy small gold foil star stickers (just like in grade school) and award them to themselves for jobs well done, or any achievements they wish to celebrate. Pasting the stars on a calendar daily can be very effective. Go ahead, award yourself lots! Other kinds of stickers are readily available. One of my clients rewarded herself for being successful in her eating program with small stickers representing jelly beans, chocolates and ice cream cones! She got her dessert in praise instead of calories.

Also, it can be effective to remember back to childhood parties and celebrations. One of my clients was told never to make noise because her grandmother was ill. However, she was allowed to play her accordion as loud as she wanted to when she practiced. To this day, playing her accordion feels like a celebration and a chance for her to sound off.

Early birthday parties or holiday outings that were special can also be tapped for ideas. If Mom always cooked a turkey for a big occasion, or set the table with the best china, or a bottle of champagne was served, then those ingredients can indicate celebration and accomplishment. Crepe paper streamers, banners, candles, balloons, flowers, special clothing (your fanciest shoes, a new hat) gatherings of friends, trophies, diplomas and awards can all indicate achievements worth celebrating. Try using one or two of these items on occasions for which you wish to generate motivation. If you are nervous on the first day of the new job, celebrate completing the day with sparkling apple juice or diet cola served in your best champagne flutes, and candles on the dinner table. Put a few gold stars on your calendar for getting through a difficult homework assignment. Buy your little girl a trophy engraved with her name for cleaning up her room for a whole month. There is no such thing as too much praise or celebration. Is there too much motivation? Of course not — the more the merrier. Fresh flowers on the table just to say how much you appreciate yourself can do a lot toward making you happier any day. A new trashy romance novel can be a great reward/celebration for reading your required technical books. The important point is that celebration of what you have accomplished already will create motivation to accomplish more.

Get creative with your celebrations, have fun. Celebrate a cherished friendship with an impromptu lunchtime picnic, and a balloon. Above all, have fun. That’s the objective! If you find yourself around someone who takes command and tells you what you should be doing, or comments unasked about how you are doing things wrong, or otherwise appoints him/herself as the boss in your life, you may find your newly-created motivation flagging. Remember to fire them as your boss. It’s your life, and you are doing whatever you are doing because you want to. You need to give no better reason to anyone but yourself. Once you have fired this self-appointed boss, then you may need to remind yourself of how much you have accomplished without that kind of help.

Celebrate your independence, your spirit, your willingness to be responsible for yourself. It is also possible to set up informative books, articles, television authorities, gurus, etc. up as your boss — in which case, you will again find your motivation flagging. These informational aids can be useful, but only if your keep them in perspective. Remember, the boss gets information about how to run things, gets educated, goes for help when necessary, BUT the boss is still in charge. The information is there for your use, but no expert, or therapist can know if the information is right for you. If you remember who the boss is, then you will use the information wisely and judiciously, rejecting whatever there is that does not suit your style or personality. You will use it to support and further your goals, and to aid in the celebration of your accomplishments. Whenever you find your motivation flagging, look around for how you are doing at being your boss. Are you using a motivational, supportive style? Have you let someone else take over your authority? Is there some appreciation you need? Take a few minutes with yourself every day just for appreciation. It’s easy, fun, and very effective. Dr. Romance wants you to live every day energized and motivated!!

(c)  2022 Tina B. Tessina Adapted from It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: He would like to have sex every time he thinks about it.

Dear Dr. Romance:

My partner says I turn him on which means, it seems to me, that he would like to have sex every time he thinks about it.  It's almost too much and I don't know how to handle it.  My background with sex, including the children's dad, has been: something you do for someone else in the hopes that they will love you.  I guess that's really what it has been, something I do for someone else and, yes I was molested as a young girl and forced/raped the first time.   When I am single, I would masturbate almost every night.  And, when I met my partner, there was GREAT chemistry and sexual excitement but, that seems to have slowed down considerably.  I learned, and decided, after my divorce that I wanted a good sexual relationship with my partner.

So, here I believe is a good opportunity with my partner. However, he almost MUST have sex when he first wakes up, and, if we're together throughout the day, he might want it midday if something turns him on, and, of course, at night before you go to sleep.  Plus, it's not unusual for him to have 2-3 orgasms at one time.   I might have 1 or 2 orgasms a week and sometimes, it just seems like so much work for me to get excited and/or have an orgasm. So, this is my reason for writing.

I would like to continue/connect this with my own sexuality and how can I enjoy it more.  I never have really enjoyed it as much as I am led to believe you can enjoy it.  I would, at least, like to enjoy it as much as is possible for me.

Dear Reader:

Your partner sounds like what renowned  sex researcher Kinsey called a "high frequency male" with a very high sex drive.  You'll never manage to keep up with him. HIs sex drive might even be at addiction level.   

Yes, you can work on freeing up your sexuality and healing the past; that will be great for you and your sex life, but you need to begin negotiating with your partner now: talk to him, tell him his drive is higher than yours (you don't need to explain why) and you two will have to manage some things.  Can you hold him while he masturbates?  Can you let him know when you want to have sex, want an orgasm, and ask him to have orgasms without you when you don't feel like it?  Find out what the options are; when you have the freedom to say "yes or no"  your own sex drive will increase, and you'll enjoy it more. Your partner will notice this.  However, you can't get into any kind of competition with him: he'll always have more sex drive than you do. Share  "Better Intimacy, Better Sex" with him  and talk about it.   Sex is something most couples have to negotiate, and "How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner"   will show you how to do that.   "Relating With Love" will help the two of you communicate. Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed has very clear guidelines for solving problems just like this one.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am not ready to give up

Dear Dr. Romance:

I live and work in NYC.  I am 48 years of age, never married but would definitely like to. I am doing the online dating thing for a while now and so far no success.  I am currently speaking to a gentleman that lives in the Midwest but given he is currently a pilot he feels bicoastal is a good thing for him.  I, of course, am open to it. However,  it's all still very new.  He is going to arrange to meet with me soon and take it from there.   Well, I know it's all talk let's see what happens now.

In any event, the primary reason why I am writing is because I get depressed, lonely and get feelings of hopelessness. Sometimes I feel as though what I am doing is a waste of time.  It really can be discouraging but I try my best to get on my feet.  I have no support structure.  My mother passed away five years ago and my father almost one year ago as well. Therefore, I basically have no family accept for a five year old niece that is currently in foster care about to be adopted.   I am strongly considering relocating out of NYC.  This city has changed drastically since 9/11 and the cost of living has risen tremendously.  I think I can get more for the money elsewhere, but that is in the back of my head and remains to be seen.   I have a distant aunt in Puerto Rico who is discouraging and advices me to give up on the man thing since nothing works for me.  I am not ready to give up.   Although I admit it's discouraging I do have fun trying.   I am unhappy with work and basically have no friends.  Most of what I do to entertain myself I have to do alone and it takes the fun out of things.  It's good to have downtime but I have a bit too much.  There are times that I just don't know what do with myself, or even where to go as big as this city is.  There are but only so many museums you can go to and so many books you can read.   It really just comes down to wanting to be with someone. 

I just wanted to give you a brief background of my current situation.  This gentleman I plan on meeting is 38 years of age and I am 48 years of age. He says he likes older women and does not want a family.  It works fine by now I can't have them he doesn't want them so it's all good.    What is your opinion on this.  I mean it is an 11 year age gap. 

I enjoyed reading your article on "The Colors of You" and it made me cry.  I am going to purchase some of your self help books but don't know which one yet. I read your article on your defeats an successes and congratulations.   Hope to hear from you soon.

Dear Reader:

I'm glad you liked "The Colors of You" and "Life Lessons" I hope you read some of the other articles, too.  You need a change in your life.  If you want to move from NYC, this would be a good time, since you haven't established any connections there, but take care in choosing where you want to life.  NYC has a lot to offer that smaller places just don't have.  Yes, it would probably be cheaper to live elsewhere, but it won't benefit you if you don't like the place. 

I don't think an 11 year age difference is something to worry about, and long distance relationships can work, but one relationship is not enough to fill up your life.  Find some group activities to join.  If you like museums, every one has classes, lectures, and group activities.  Find one you're interested in that has something people come to regularly, and begin attending.  After a few sessions, you'll begin making connections with people, and friendships can grow from that.  You won't find happiness until you find friends; they make all the difference in your life.

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will help you figure out how to restructure your life.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I haven't spoken to my maternal grandparents in 5 years

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm not sure if you're willing or able to help, but I've been looking online for a solution to my problem for a while now. As of yet, I've come up empty  handed. My situation is that I'm 21 years old and haven't spoken to my maternal grandparents in 5 years. Somehow with all of the means of communication available and even though we live in the same town, we've managed to completely lose touch. Recently I've been thinking about how to initiate conversation again, but I'm not sure how to go about it. Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Reader:

If you know how to contact them, follow the Nike slogan, and just do it.  "Mirrors and Teachers"   will give you pointers and perspective about strained relationships. It's time you established a new relationship with them as an adult. You were a teenager before, your parents probably handled the grandparent relationship for good or ill, and hopefully, they'll understand this.  Call them up and ask if you can come over and talk to them.  If your grandparents are reasonable people, they'll greet you with love and enthusiasm.  Bring them a treat (dessert, cookies, ice cream, cake) for all of you to share.  If there's some bad history between you, then you should just apologize for your part in it, and don't say anything about what they did wrong.  Just apologize and say you want to start over.  "Apology and Forgiveness"  will help you understand more about it. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand difficult family dynamics.  I promise you, it won't be as bad as you think.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on 10 signs a guy is cheating on you

Dr. Romance writes:

Telling a guy you won't stand for cheating is a waste of time. Instead, be open and accepting, and encourage him to talk about his sexual exploits. If he's cheated before, he probably will cheat again.  The best protection against cheating is to have open and frank sexual talks: allow him to tell you when he's attracted to someone else. Don't freak out or get upset, he'll just hide it from you. An attraction you two can laugh about together, and incorporate into your own sex fantasy life, is a lot less threatening than one that's a secret. To find out if your man will cheat, you need to take the time to get to know him and get him to open up. To find out if he's cheated in the past ask him a playful question, like: What's the sneakiest thing you've ever done? 

With illicit affairs quite easily available online or at the office, it's often easier for a spouse who is dissatisfied with the relationship to transfer affection to someone else than to take the emotional risk of talking to a partner about dissatisfaction. While most marital dissatisfaction is not that hard to fix, and cheating is usually emotionally devastating for everyone, the cheater has an "instant gratification" mentality, and is just doing what feels good, and feeling unable to control it. He is not thinking of future problems (at least, when connecting with the other person) and is just masking emotional pain. I handle many of these situations, including working with the cheating spouse when the other partner doesn't know.

It's not easy to tell the difference between sex addiction and chronic cheating. The major difference has to do with reasons why. Classic addiction is out of control, compulsive behavior, usually motivated by trying to escape internal pain and turmoil. Is a cheater doing it to self-medicate with adrenaline, or is he just immature and narcissistic? It's easier to cure addiction than narcissism, although addiction can have a component of narcissism (which is stunted emotional growth) These are complicated, circuitous questions, and not easy to parse. It comes down to whether the lack of self control is willful or compulsive.

A man with lots of charm, who says exactly what you want to hear, may be dishonest and narcissistic. His braggadocio may conceal a very wounded soul, along with an alcohol, drug or gambling problem. He lacks impulse control, and a sense of responsibility, because he's a narcissist. That means that emotionally, he's stuck at the narcissistic stage children go through about 2 years old. So, you're dealing with an emotional two year old in a grownup body.

Here's how to tell if your man is cheating:

1. His habits change:
   Your guy, who was always home on time, is suddenly (or gradually) coming home later. Or, he stops answering his phone, spends more money, or dresses better. 
2. He brings 'guilt gifts': 
   A man who never thought of flowers has suddenly started bringing them home
3. Extra bills:
   Unidentifiable charges on his credit card are often the clue that catches him.
4. He stops talking about what he's doing at work:
   This may be a sign that he's keeping a secret
5. Uninterested in sex:
   If he's not interested in sex with you, he may be getting his needs met elsewhere.
6. Secrecy:
7. He doesn't want you to see his phone or computer, so he's probably hiding something.
   He's spending a lot more time online, and there's not a work or other reason.
8. Unreliability: 
   He used to be reliable about appointments and dates, but now he breaks appointments and makes excuses.
9. History of Cheating:
   He has a history of cheating in previous relationships. (Cheaters cheat. That's why it's inadvisable to marry someone who was cheating in an affair with you; when you're the spouse, you'll get cheated on.)
10. He's very demanding about sex:
    Men who feel entitled to sex any way they can get it, have a tendency to rationalize cheating, and just keep doing it.
11. Won't work on the relationship:
    He doesn't want to solve relationship problems with you: He doesn't need to learn to keep intimacy alive with the same person. These men get their jollies from illicit sex (cheating.)

Excerpted from  The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make after Forty

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Why do I always find cowards?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I like your article "Stupid Cupid"  and find that all your down-to-earth questions should be applicable in a daily life of a relationship.  I will forward it to my friends.   I'm writing you about a guy that I met at my dance class. I found him to be very nice and smart.  My immigrant family is concerned for  me and wants to know where I am (especially late at night). He did not like that and said that I should look for a guy from my own country and that he is not even thinking about marriage. I never  mentioned a marriage or asked anything from him. For the most part we were just dancing together.  Why would anyone insist on a relationship for months and want just no-emotions short-term-only-sex relationship instead? Or it is me and my family that scare him? Or is it that I always find cowards?   
 
Dear Reader:
 
I'm glad you enjoy the article, and thanks for forwarding it.  Somehow, your dance partner got the idea that you want marriage, maybe because your family is so concerned about you.  He can see that, to continue dating you, he'd have to be serious, and he's not. If you are really just dancing with him, then tell him that, and that you're not interested in a relationship.  Lots of men want to be 'friends with benefits'  which means sex partners with no commitment.  It's not a good idea for you, so tell him you're not interested in dating or sex, you just want to dance. On the other hand maybe he met someone else, and is trying to let you down easy.  Either way, there's no way to persuade him to be with you if he doesn't want to.  Let him go, move on, and if he really cares, he'll be back.  A lot of men are cowards about commitment as long as they think they can get what they want without committing.   "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will give you some ideas on how to find a guy who really cares. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you find the kind of man that can relate to you. 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Why is my ex boyfriend still calling?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read your interesting article  "Age Differences in Dating".  I was in the same relationship until April.  I am 10 years older than my date, and we dated for a couple of years, long after his brief marriage ended.  We seemed to be very compatible; I'm a veterinarian, he trains dogs; we did great for a while.  In many ways, though, it seemed like we had already been married for 20 years.  Not much "dating, " taking each other for granted, not trying as hard, etc.  Then I moved an hour away for another job, and we lasted less than a year after that.  I just wanted him to make a little effort in the relationship and make me feel like I mattered.   I'm a girl, so naturally, I had to write a letter.  In effect, it said that I either needed him to just make the smallest effort or we needed to call it off.  Before he read it, we had the conversation, and he is the one who made it "official." He felt like we hit a dead end, and he wanted to be on his own and be a bachelor for a while.  And maybe after that, "we'd see..."   and still remain friends.  I never put faith in those statements-they always seemed like platitudes.  I had no problem with the reasons he gave, although it made me sad-I loved him, but understood him being on his own. I'm pretty independent, too, so  I get that,  and was never the type woman to keep tabs and keep a leash on him, either.  He just didn't want the responsibility of a girlfriend now.  Fine.

OK, so he had read the letter after that and called in the middle of the night to chat: about the Dog Whisperer and his midnight snack.  When we were together, he went to sleep early.  With rare exception, he has called weekly since then, usually just to chat (a couple of vet questions every once in a while).  I've only had 2 other really serious boyfriends, but when it was over, it was over.  I became friends again with one of them after about a year-he was a client.  But I've not heard of exes calling that often. I don't talk to some of my girlfriends that often.  One may say that he wants me back or wants to leave the door open.  However, he began dating a younger woman, with no education.  I know my ego shouldn't be hurt, but really? Despite that, he still calls.  He did confirm that they were dating and asked if he shouldn't call anymore.  Told him I wasn't sure...I'd like to be able to split him in 2 and keep my friend, but I know the reality.  Then, he was coming through town this past Friday, and asked what did I think of looking at these x-rays of his horse and "if nothing else meet up for lunch."  Well, both my pride and curiosity agreed to it.  We met,  I heard about the new girlfriend, who he said was jealous of me and is already worried he's meeting other women at the gym and when he goes out with his friends, etc.  I asked if she knew we were meeting for lunch-she didn't.  Then I got to hear about their dates.  Gees, why tell me that?    So, I told him about a man I had gone out with.  Then I got 20 questions about him, and felt he put me on the defensive-about the guy having been divorced when I said they were out of the question, his job, where he lived, etc.  He also wouldn't make eye contact and got a little fidgety, but said he was happy for me and hoped it worked out.  Wasn't that sweet.  I didn't ask questions about his new girlfriend.  Anyway, it was strange.  He hugged when we got there and got out of his car (we were looking at x-rays on my laptop) to hug me good bye.  I half hearted returned the hugs. 

Sorry this is so long...I can take the spleen out of a dog, but I can't figure out boys.  These are my questions:
1)  does he truly want to keep me just as a friend in his life?  He actually has lots of friends, so why does his RECENT ex need to be one more?
2)  why keep calling me when he is dating another girl, who doesn't know he is doing that & likely won't know we met for lunch? not very nice
3) why is he dating her at all when he broke up with me to be a bachelor?  One could say it's just for sex, but they actually do go out in public.  Even when our relationship was bumpy, the sex was always great. 
4) why can't I get up the guts to tell him to quit calling and just leave me alone so I can move on?

I probably wont' see my imaginary boyfriend again-he lives too far away, but I didn't want to seem pitiful or desperate for not seeing anyone and everything else I told him was true!

He is a great guy in a lot of ways, but just wasn't always a good boyfriend.  He is still pretty selfish and wasn't all that concerned with my needs or happiness after a while.  Friends say "well, he's young."  Well, lots of folks are married and have successful relationships, families at 28.  Is he sowing his last oats and wants to keep the door open because I'm the marrying type? I'm not even sure I could go back, but do still have strong feelings for him, even though he could be a jerk.  Yes, I know I need to do what 's best for me, but I just wish I understood his motivation and how he was feeling.  Even my ego would love to hear "I screwed up."  I'm not sure I'd get a straight answer even if I asked why he still calls, or what he'd think of a girlfriend meeting up with her most recent ex. 

Sorry this is so long, but there was a lot more to it than just the subject line-haha.  Hope you have a wonderful day and thanks in advance for any insight you can give. 

P.S.  I have dated a man 10 years older and 1 10 years younger and one my age... and there's really not much difference with any of them!

Dear Reader:

 It sounds like you met this man too soon after his divorce.  He probably cares for you, but isn't ready to settle down, wants to sow some oats while he's "free."  That's why he's with a woman you don't think will keep him interested. 

Yes, he wants you for a friend -- but a friend is someone you can tell your girlfriend about, and someone who can listen to you talk about your relationships.  Neither of you are ready for that.  But, you're not calling it quits any more than he is.

Why doesn't he tell his girlfriend? If you two are not having sex, that's probably within his definition of faithfulness, and what she doesn't know won't hurt him.  That is, he's avoiding conflict by not telling her. 

He's not a loner, so he's dating her so he doesn't have to be alone -- he just doesn't want a commitment, either.

"why can't I get up the guts to tell him to quit calling and just leave me alone so I can move on?"

This is the big question, and only you can answer it.  This guy is obviously not ready for a real relationship, so let him go.  Maybe he'll be back when he's ready, maybe he'll never be ready.  In the meantime, you need to move on.  Treading water here will only waste your time.   "Letting Go Takes Love"and "Where is Love?" will give you more understanding.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will show you how healthy relationships work, and give you more understanding of men. Good luck to you.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm wondering about a "blind date"

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have  been reading your article "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting". I certainly will appreciate any wisdom or guidance that you can share.  I'm a minister who ministers to congregations, and I was widowed several years ago.

1. I've pretty much stopped going to any singles group functions. I think you're right when you say that they are not too productive except if they are organized around a specific activity. I don't know of any of those focused activity singles groups going on though. I'd appreciate any further thoughts you have.

2. I'm wondering if you have any further thoughts about friends introducing me to people. I'm thinking that if I would have at least some prior contact with the person they are connecting me with, that would be good, but I'm wondering about a "blind date" without having met the person before. One thing that concerns me is if I don't really pick up on someone whom a friend has fixed me up with that that could jeopardize the friendship. I'm thinking that would be a little different from my meeting someone at a friend's party and asking the friend about that person's availability. But if a friend goes out of his or her way to arrange a date, that's a lot of investment on their part. I welcome any thoughts you have about that. 

3. I really like the idea of getting involved in certain activities that I would enjoy anyway, and then getting to know a number of people in the group. I probably know the answer to this, but these things take time. I certainly know the reality that you need to spend time at a goal you want to reach, but I'm wondering if you have any other particular thoughts about that.

4. On an ongoing basis, I receive invitations to speak to various groups of caregivers and trainers. These invitations come from both the nearby area and all over the country. I'm wondering if these would be good opportunities to meet people. Sometimes these speaking invitations also have a social time like dinner or even parties. Most of the time these are couples, but there are also times where single women are also present.

In the past when I have gotten invitations to speak in other cities, which typically are with individual congregations, I haven't accepted those because it has been much better that I use my time to speak with larger groups representing many congregations. But if my goal is to meet people and to have social connections, I'm thinking it would be good to accept these invitations. For example, several months ago I preached and a couple of days later spoke to a group of current and former ministers and leaders at a church in another city. Then last week I got a note inviting me to a potluck that they are having next month. I'll definitely go. I know you said something in your book about not missing an opportunity for a party.

5. I think my number one challenge at this time is meeting people. Part of it has to do with my schedule, part the fact that I had settled into a pretty comfortable life of work, family, and my late wife pretty much arranging social kinds of things. But this is something I do want to do something about.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry for your loss, and I think it's the right time for you to find a partner.  I think you're right, that the air of desperation in singles groups pretty much precludes meeting someone in a productive way. Because you are in the ministry, I think focusing on church-related social activities will be your source of success.

If your friends want you to meet someone, suggest they either bring her to a church activity where you'll be, or invite you over to dinner or a party. Blind dates are for teenagers, not for your age  group. You want to meet new ladies in a group setting, where you can chat, but not feel committed to anything until you are interested. You're very interested in your vocation and in church, so that could be your social group. The key is finding something that allows you to see people repeatedly, so you can get to know them before you settle on a likely lady.

Yes, this is a good opportunity, especially the ones in your area. If this potluck is a regular thing, try to go several times. If you let the churches do the arranging, by inviting you to dinners and potlucks, I'm certain you'll find someone. You've done your grief work, you know how relationships are, and your goals are realistic. It takes some time to meet enough people to find the one you're looking for, but I'm certain you'll do it.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you understand how to find someone you can really succeed with. "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will also help you with this new venture. I wish you the best of luck.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on The Right Way to Love

Dr. Romance writes:

There’s a pervasive myth in our society that there is a right and a wrong way to love. However, there’s not much clarity about what the right might be. We all have difficulty with relationships and difficulty with love. Therefore, we’re liable to draw the uncomfortable conclusion: “Everyone knows how to love correctly except me.”

This attitude leads to blaming, defensiveness, accusing and a general shutdown of any loving feelings. You may feel helpless, betrayed, incompetent, angry and lost. If you become defensive and withdraw from your beloved, things get worse.

There are actually as many ways of loving as there are people — and none of them is wrong. Some ways of loving work better than others. There are an infinite number of ways that work extremely well. This is good news, for it ends forever the fear that love can become boring, or that you can become bored with it. When looked at from this perspective, the object of relationships becomes to discover each other’s way of loving (love style), to learn the style of loving your partner uses and to teach him or her the joys of your own style. In this way, each relationship adds to your options for love. Each couple synthesizes a new love style out of the two they bring together; which is uniquely theirs and which can be restructured as their lifestyles change and grow.

Love

Each of you has your own unique experience with love, and must define it for yourself.

Each of us experiences love in many ways: romantic, practical, spiritual, familial, unconditional, passionate, selfish, and more. Here, I’m talking about love at the practical level, as in our day-to-day relationships.

As we experience it in primary relationships, love is one person's positive experience of another.

Love tends to bring separate people together.
Love is sharing and caring.
Love unites us.
Love is your willingness to share yourself.

Love is a state of being, a feeling, not an action. It is warmth, connectedness, and a desire to be closer. It’s my concern for your well-being as well as my own. Love is someone's recognition in the other of the things he or she likes most about self. Love is not critical or separating; it is accepting and supportive.

We hear much, especially in popular songs, movies, etc., about how painful love is. I disagree.

*Love doesn’t hurt; whatever hurts in a relationship is not love.

*Love isn’t limiting, it’s freeing.

*Love is how you feel; not what you do. The expression of love is one degree removed from the feeling itself. How you behave is not necessarily an accurate barometer of how you love—that depends on your understanding of love and your ability to express yourself effectively.

*Love is a feeling; the expression of love is an art. As with any art, there can be a wide gap between what is expressed and what is felt. The difference between expression and feeling has several contributing factors: self-awareness, honesty, safety, intent and fantasy. As with art, practice and knowledge of technique are helpful.

COMMUNICATION AND MISCOMMUNICATION

Whether you love or not is subject only to your own opinion, no one else’s. The proper answer to the age-old demand, “If you love me, you’ll...” is: “Wrong. I do love you, but I’m not going to do that,” or, “I’ll do that, but it’s not a test of my love.”

Frequently in counseling I’ve seen people let themselves be talked right out of loving each other, like this: When person A says, “If you loved me, you’d…” most often he or she is feeling insecure and asking for reassurance, but asking ineffectively, because it sounds like a demand.

When B is also insecure, and if he or she is unwilling to do whatever is being demanded, B then tends to doubt his or her own loving: “Gee, maybe I don’t love you enough. I’m not willing to do that.”

When A gets this doubtful response on top of his or her initially insecure feelings, A panics: “Oh no! B doesn’t really love me!”

At this point, both A and B are convinced that it’s not working, and everything can go downhill from there, because of simple misunderstanding.

While love is not a behavior but a feeling, accurate and effective communication of feelings is important. It can be very frustrating to love and be unable to communicate that love. We all know the experience of loving someone very much and having them perceive our love as something else.

Marsha: “I loved him so much; I never wanted to be away from him for a minute.”
Bill: “She smothered me! She had no regard for my feelings! I hated it!”

Behavior contributes to accurate expression and is therefore important. It does you no good to love if your behavior is consistently interpreted as unloving.

As in any art, you need to know what you want to express to communicate it effectively. Your personal way of expressing and receiving love is your love style.

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences is focused on helping you and your partner understand and communicate your personal love styles. 

I wish for you a happy relationship, and a satisfied heart.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Something has come over me and I can't let go

Dear Dr. Romance:

Me and my wife has been married for 3 months now and I'm afraid there is a major problem already.  A couple of months before we got married, my spouse had an affair, she admitted.  I thought that we could get through that alone since she deeply regretted the mistake and promised to work with me so I can get over it.  The only reason our relationship did not end there is because of our love for each other.  I never thought that I could forgive something like that, but I did.

The problem is, she lied to me about their status.  She told me that they were not interested in each other anymore and they don't call or speak to each other anymore, but they work together so I did not believe her.

Now, it's three months into the marriage and I have proof that she is still infatuated with this other guy, I found out that she is still calling him, hanging out with him, and God knows what else.  I have proof that she called him yesterday morning at 3 AM and wanted to go over, I was at work.

Now, I'm no fool, in my past I would not waste my time over someone like that, but now something has come over me and I can't let go.  If I confront her about this it will lead to a fight, then we will make up, apologize, and promise to work a little harder at this, it's happened before.

My problem is that deep down inside, I think it's over, but I can't deal with that, I really CAN'T.  I still want to try some more.  She keeps convincing me that she really loves me and she will try not to hurt me anymore.  She keeps doing things that makes me believe that she really is trying, we go out, have fun, visit our family (who are so proud of us and think that we are so meant for each other), every now and then we reflect on our wedding reception, watch the video, pictures, it was such a blast, everyone is calling it the wedding of the year.  I know for a fact that she really loves me and we really do have more than love.

I am reaching out to someone before something really drastic happens, I know it's possible, so I really need the help.  I'm an emotional wreck. I don't know what else to do so I plan to confront the guy soon.  I will do anything to save this marriage, I can't give up, I can't live without her, I really think we still have a chance.  PLEASE, I need someone to talk to, I don't know what to do...

Dear Reader:

I suggest you not confront her, but negotiate with her.  Here's what you need to know.

1. Why did she marry you, if she's so enamored of him?  
2.  Does she know what she wants, or is she too confused about her feelings to know?
3.  Can the two of you work together to reach a real agreement, one that you can actually keep?
4.  I strongly suggest you find a counselor (see my  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely") This situation is pretty volatile, and I'm worried about the well-being of both of you.

If you mean it about doing "anything" to save the marriage,  then the most important thing to do is CALM DOWN.  The worst thing that will happen is the marriage will be over; and you think that's the situation already, so there's nothing more to worry about.

If you get emotional, confront the guy, or make a scene, you could wind up in jail; which wouldn't do a thing for you OR for your marriage.   The only thing you two can do that will work is talk calmly.  Unless you've got a fortune she's after, she probably married you because she loves you, as you say.  So, that's not too bad a reason.  It sounds as if she somewhat emotionally immature, and neither of you really thought about this enough before you got into it.  So, you have to back up and think about it now.

Should you two really be married to each other?  What is your marriage about?   If you can calm down and talk rationally about all the above questions, you'll eventually find out what you want to know, which is:  Does your wife really love you, and is she capable of forming a monogamous commitment?

"Stupid Cupid"  and "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will give you  a clearer idea of what relationships are about.
How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will show you how to have a real conversation and talk about the truth.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I lost everything

Dear Dr. Romance:
I read your article about "Age Differences in Dating" and thought you might be interested in a case history. I was married to a younger man for twenty years. He was 21 and I was 40 when we met.

I had been in a very unhappy marriage for twenty years and had three sons. I had no intention of marrying again. When I met this handsome younger man who openly pursued me I was flattered. Dating developed into a physical relationship. He was the exact opposite of my former husband and I was amazed that we could talk for hours without boring each other, were interested in the same things, liked the same music, books, etc. There was not even a glaring difference in our physical appearances as I looked ten years younger and he looked that much older, with premature gray hair. 

However, when he asked me to marry him I insisted that we should live together because I could not envision this lasting forever. He was relentless, and enlisted the help of my teenage boys to talk me into marriage. I have to admit that the first few years I secretly kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. He was serious and conservative, I was funny and free spirited. He once told a friend of ours that I was the funniest and most exciting woman he had ever met and he never knew what to expect from me next. To me he was a rock of dependability and security and the most caring, gentle, loving man I had ever met.I guess we complimented each other and each fulfilled the needs of the other.
 
We worked together to build a life and I helped him climb the corporate ladder to become a Vice President. As he became more successful he insisted that I quit my job so I could travel with him on business trips.  It was the first time in my life I did not have to work. I was delighted to finally be just a housewife. We traveled everywhere. Australia, Hong Kong, London, Paris...places I never dreamed I would see. On our thirteenth wedding anniversary we vacationed in Hawaii and everyone thought we were newly weds. We never had a serious disagreement, we did everything together and I felt safe and secure because he took such good care of me. It was the happiest twenty years of my life. I finally felt confident that the other shoe would never drop. I trusted and believed in him...in us.

Then one day, shortly before our twentieth anniversary, he walked into the house and said he was in love with someone else and wanted a divorce. He moved in with her that night. He had been having an affair with her for two months. I later found out that she worked for him. I was devastated, of course. I had no idea he was unhappy in our marriage. I lived with him for 20 years and was suddenly confronted with a total stranger who told me our age difference was more than he could handle. His friends and co-workers did not approve. After all, my oldest son was only three years younger than him. A fact that had not changed over 20 years.

I was 62 years old, had not worked for twelve years and had no means of support. I lost everything because Texas had no alimony at that time. It took years of counseling to get my self respect and self image restored. I am 75 now and have rebuilt my life with new surroundings and new friends. I am still blessed with excellent health and lead a very active life. But there is rarely a day that I do not think about him. I was naïve to believe age doesn't matter. There is a double standard on age, and I don't think that will ever change. However, I would not change that 20 years and will continue to hold those wonderful memories of our time together for the rest of my life.

Dear Reader:
I'm sorry you were so disappointed. The same thing might have happened had you married a man of your own age. I'm proud of you for re-building your life, and for not being bitter, but enjoying your memories. None of us can predict what the future will hold. You might enjoy  "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" and The Ten Smartest Decisions A Woman Can Make After Forty will help you evaluate how far you've come in life.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I wish and expect my wife of 10 years to be more affectionate

Dear Dr. Romance

Here goes, I wish and expect my wife of 10 years to be more affectionate, simple enough? Yet we have talked and have had fights over this many times, we are soul mates so I don't want to go through life thinking "this is as good as it gets and accept it". We love each other but I want more, it seems we both deserve better. There is a ferocious circle that includes job, health, my home town, kids, my anger, her indifference, all sorts of things. We know the root of our problem but it repeats its self over and over.   

 We are moving from my home town to her home state. Banking on this we hope to solve our problems but I think our troubles are so engraved it might follow us. This is not about sex although I would like to share it more often. All I want is more hugs and kisses and not to be taken for granted. 
    
Dear Reader:

This isn't much information, but how do you expect to get more affection by fighting?  Perhaps the two of you need to learn to talk more constructively.  Most couples' problems do repeat, because they can't get far enough away from blaming to solve the problem. Moving will not solve anything; changing what you're doing will solve everything.  If you can use this move as an opportunity to change your interaction with each other, you'll be successful, no matter where you live.  You need to understand what the incentive is for her to be affectionate.  What does she want? Can you make an agreement?

Try listening to your wife, and what she wants, and try to work with her to make that happen, instead of competing with her about whose wants are more important.   "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" , "Better Intimacy, Better Sex"  and "How to be Irresistible to Your Mate" will help you understand what's not working, and show you how to fix it.  

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed  contains exercises and examples that can help you and your wife learn to solve problems, including intimacy and affection problems, together as a team.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on The Keys to a Happy Relationship

Everyone wants the best relationship they can have.

Dr. Romance  explains what makes a relationship work.

The markers of a happy relationship are: Cooperation/partnership, mutuality, laughter and affection. Whether you’re in a relationship now or hoping to be, these keys will help you create a more loving and happier partnership.

The Key to Handling Problems Before They Start:

Be on the lookout for early warning signs that things are getting a little off track between you two:

*If you're feeling resentful of anything; that's a definite warning. Resentment is like rust that can eat away at the foundations of the relationship. You need to talk about it, get it resolved.

*Arguments that won't go away and keep repeating are also signs of trouble.

*Companionable silence is good, resentful silence or hopeless silence (It's no use: he/she won't listen anyway) are problems.

*Problems with sex often indicate problems with other kinds of communication.

The Keys to Caring for Yourself Emotionally, Mentally, and Spiritually Are:

*Understand what you need to be happy.

*Don't dwell on the negative: if something's wrong, just focus on it long enough to understand it, then change focus to finding a solution.

*Don't expect your partner to make you happy: that's your job. You can help each other, but you can't do it for each other; so figure out what you need, then talk to your partner about how to get it.

*Count your blessings: no matter how annoying your partner may be at this moment, there are many good things happening, also. Don't let the negative soak up all your attention.

The Keys to Caring about Your Partner:

*Listen, listen, listen: The three most important words in a relationship are 'tell me more.' To consider your partner's needs, you need to understand them first. Listening does that. If you both know your partner will always be available to hear what you want to say, you'll be much happier. Knowing what your partner wants doesn't mean you have to give in; instead, work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

*Resentment is dangerous to you and your relationship: If you find yourself starting to harbor little resentments, take care of it as a favor to both yourself and your partner. Notice hurt feelings and upsets: don't let them pile up. Talk about it with your partner without being accusing. You can own that something hurt your feelings or upset you without blaming; and your partner is much more likely to own up if he or she does not feel accused.

*Most of the time your partner doesn't realize how you feel until you say it out loud: Take the time to know what you want to fix the problem before you bring it up. Understand why you're hurt, and whether it's something that actually comes from somewhere else: like a previous relationship or your childhood; or it's something particular to your partner. Then, figure out what you'll need to fix it.

The Keys to Common Mistakes that Can Alienate Both of You:

*Not taking responsibility for your bad moods, fears, and other feelings; and letting your partner feel responsible. That separates you.

*Not making sure you have time for your partner also separates you. Don't let TV, Internet, work, kids or other people soak up all the time so you don't have any left for each other. Seek a balance.

*Relaxing too much and becoming complacent. Keep your courting behavior alive, and bring it out regularly. Don’t ever forget that you fell in love with each other. Guard against taking your partner and your relationship for granted.

The Keys to Getting or Staying Out of a Rut:

When you feel like you and your partner are in a rut; you know you love each other, but you've just lost some of that zing when you're together, there are a few fun things you can do to freshen things up.

*Count your blessings, and share what you're grateful for. It will enhance the joy in your relationship.

*If you're bored, you've been lazy: get out there and do something together. A walk, a special meal (at home or out, depending on budget) perusing the photo album, a flower, a note; can all create pleasure and joy. Clear the calendar and spend a day just enjoying each other; including great sex. Have a date, like you used to. The zing will come right back.

*Dress for date night. Women often don't understand how much guys like it when they have pretty underwear or are dressed up. He won't see your extra weight or your little wrinkles: he'll just see that you dressed up for him. He'll like it. And guys, she likes it when you clean up, too. For that date night, dress as carefully as you did when you were really dating.

The Keys to Sharing a Household:

*Learn how to talk over difficult subjects: money, space and style differences; so that they don't escalate into fights.

*Avoid being territorial. You can share space, and blend your styles. Hopefully, there will be enough space that each of you can have a bit of turf that is yours. You need a corner to retreat to when you get on edge with each other or the world.

*To talk about money, use your business skills. It's just math; take the emotion out of it, and talk as you would in a business meeting.

*Share your space and your resources, and also allow each other some privacy and independence. Intimacy thrives when each of you has a sense of separate self.

The Keys to Sharing Parenting:

*To create cooperative parenting, understand that there are a lot more ways to do it successfully than you think. Maybe you liked what your own parents did, and your spouse liked what his or her parents did: but you are two entirely different people, and so are your kids. It's great to find a book or parenting class to give you both neutral ground to talk about it. And you do need to talk about it.

*Each time there's a problem, solve it on the spot, but then talk about it afterward (without the kids around) to work out how to avoid that problem in the future. Update your skills as your kids reach different phases (toddler, preschooler, grammar school, pre-teen, teenager, young adult) so you won't be always scrambling after the fact. Plan ahead together for the next phase. Take the time to enjoy your kids. Make sure they feel like part of the family by doing chores and helping out. Don't give them a free ride; it's not good for their character.

© 2022 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am not sure if I am considered his "girlfriend."

Dear Dr. Romance:

Status confused  I met a really great guy online a few months ago. We see each other about once a week, or once every two weeks. He is always doing things for me like working on my car and helping me out in any way he can. However, I am not sure if I am considered his "girlfriend." I also feel like I cannot bring this topic up with him without scaring him off. How can I be sure of my relationship status with this man? Do actions really speak louder than words? And how do I broach the subject to find out if he thinks of me as his girlfriend?   

  
Dear Reader:

If he's working on your car, it's a good sign. Some men show their affection by doing things for you more easily than they can find words. Also, this man may be slow to make up his mind about his feelings. It's important to appreciate what he's doing for you, and let him know that you are grateful.  If things are going well, count your blessings, and don't push for change too quickly.  I could understand this anxiety if you had been together a year or more, but not in just a few months. 

I understand that you'd like to know the status of your relationship, but it's important not to push too hard. Being in a rush to clarify things can work against you.  You may need to help him understand and express his feelings. Choose a relaxed time, tell him you are really enjoying your time together, and ask him how he feels about it.  Use my "Guidelines for being better understood" as a guide for keeping the conversation going well.

Ask him if your friendship is going as well as he would like, or if there's anything you can do for him. Then, whatever he answers (which may not be much, if he has trouble putting his feeling into words), just let the conversation go to other topics. This will give him a chance to think about how he feels about your relationship. Wait a week or two, and try again. It is still early in your dating situation, so take your time and let the discussion grow. If the situation continues  until you're dating for a year or more, it may then be time to ask directly. However, I think if you follow the gradual, low-key method, you'll find out how he feels and what his intent is long before a year has passed. Try to avoid the dreaded "We have to talk about our relationship." It's less intimidating if you ease into it as part of a normal conversation.   Following the "Guidelines for Being Irresistible to your Mate" will help you create a relationship that both of you will cherish. 

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you understand the process of developing a brand-new relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I've always been asked out

Dear  Dr Romance :
 
 I just read about you and some articles you wrote about Age Differences in Relationships and really enjoyed what you had to say and how you said it.
 
 I now have a question: I am 49 years old and very attractive.  I look like I'm in my thirties.  There is this younger man, early thirties that I am very interested in.  I've always been asked out and never had to ask a man out.  But I don't want to miss this opportunity and would like to ask him out but I don't know how to do it.
 
 Can you please give me advice as to how I should go about it?
 
Dear Reader:

Don't worry so much about asking a man on a date.  I'd suggest that you ask this man for something smaller, like coffee, help with your computer, or a walk, or casual lunch with friends; it's not so devastating if it doesn't work out. Better yet, you need to get into a social circle where you can meet men you'll have a chance to know before you ask them out. 

If you see a man in action within a group, and interact with him without the pressure of dating, you'll be
more able to use the skills you've developed to assess the men and choose a good one.   

"Where Is Love"  and The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting will give you more information about where and how to look. "10 Reasons for Not Falling in Love" helps you look at your fears about dating and relationships and shows you how to overcome them.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will teach you all the skills you need to find and create a successful, loving and satisfying relationship. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My 5 yr old step daughter literally tells me what to do

Dear Dr. Romance:

My wife and I were married about 9 months ago, both of us had been married once before, and my wife had a daughter by her last marriage, age 5.  Now I find myself in a situation, where my wife lets her by with murder, and when I punish her, my wife turns on me, and always over-rules me in front of my stepdaughter, my wife says that all I ever do is punish her, and that if I loved her I wouldn't do that, but I only punish her when she's actually mean, or dis-respectful.  Now, its got to the point where my 5 yr old step daughter literally tells me what to do, and my wife expects me to do it. She will  disrespect me, and laugh right in my face, this of course makes me terribly angry, and when I go to punish her, me and my wife end up in an argument.

Also, if she sees that my wife and I are talking, or just spending quality time together, she will interrupt, or jump right into the middle of it, its got to the point that I cannot say 3 words to my wife, or kiss her without, My little girl jumping into the middle of it, I feel that my wife's mouth is firmly planted on her daughters butt. and I resent my stepdaughter for that, because of her my wife and I get no time together. I guess I'm just as jealous as she is, and maybe this is childish, but its got to the point that I feel, and have observed my stepdaughter pitting me and my wife against each other.

Because of this, my marriage is crumbling, my wife is unwilling to make time for me, and by the looks of this, its dragging us all  apart, and I love them more than anything, its just I've tried everything, and I'm so frustrated. well that about sums it up, maybe I am childish, but I don't think wanting some quality time with my wife is wrong, or is wanting  to be looked at as an equal to my stepdaughter in my wife's eyes. 

Dear Reader:

Step parenting is a very difficult thing to do, and you and your wife made a big mistake by not working this out before you married. "The Challenges of Blended Families" will help you understand what is going wrong, and what to do about it.

It's normal for all three of you to be anxious, but taking such a negative view is not helping the situation. You seem to have an antiquated idea of how to parent. You'll do better if you see this as a test of whether you and your wife can become partners, a team, and work together in your marriage.  If you can't figure out  how to parent your step-daughter together, then the marriage probably won't work.  Fighting over it is the worst possible thing you can do.

I know you think you've tried everything, but it sounds as if you haven't sat down with your wife and discussed how the two of you can work together.  That's why I'm suggesting a marriage counselor: someone who can help you have a productive discussion of the issues and the solutions.

The real issue is not competition between you and a small child, the real issue is: how well can you and your wife work together?  Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting over the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship will show you how to negotiate issues like this.  The most important thing you can do is drop the struggle over who's right or wrong (that will lead nowhere) and begin a discussion about what you can do that will work for BOTH of you.

 I strongly suggest you and your wife go to counseling, to help you work out an agreement about who has the right to discipline the daughter, and  how and when it is to take place.   "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  will help you find an appropriate, affordable counselor.  I also think you should  take some parenting classes together so that you'll have a similar understanding of what good, effective parenting is.  Your marriage counselor can recommend local classes.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Attitude Adjustment

Dr. Romance writes:

I have blogged before about emotional hygiene, and doing the necessary maintenance on feelings as well as your physical body and household. Health reminders tell us to wash our hands frequently to prevent transmittal of diseases. Did you know you can “wash” your mood, too, and give yourself an attitude adjustment whenever you want to?

When I want to have a pleasant time with Richard, I know it’s important to manage my mood and keep myself on an even keel – if anything happens that’s disappointing, annoying, upsetting or stressful, I need to re-balance myself and not let it get to me or spoil the day.

Here are some ideas for how to turn your attitude around in the most common mood - disrupting situations:

Disappointment and Expectations

We all have high hopes and rosy pictures of the future when we enter a new situation or relationship. so when life turns out not to be perfect, things don’t go the way you hoped, or you find out your partner actually is an imperfect human, just like you, it’s disappointing. You may begin by expecting that your partner will always see your point of view, or that as long as you love each other, everything will be OK, but after a while, reality breaks through and you realize your expectations were unrealistic. If you feel you’re constantly disappointed and frequently angry, consider that it may be because your expectations don’t line up with reality.

No matter how little reality resembles your dreams, there’s no need to squabble about it. We all deal with many disappointments in daily life, at home and at work. In most cases, neither you nor your partner would argue with the boss, colleagues at work, or your child's teacher the way you argue with each other. In domestic situations, you can choose your behavior in the same way -- you don't have to argue with each other. Instead of bickering like children, use your grownup self-control to pull yourself out of the argument. If you're fighting over silly little things, remember you're having symbolic fights--it's not really about who didn't put the cap on the toothpaste, it's about disappointment, who is right, who has the most power, or who deserves to be loved.

Do’s and Don’ts for Handling Disappointment
OK, so you're disappointed. Your dream has ended in the trashbin. You may want to lay on the floor, kicking your heels and screaming; or go on a drunken binge, or beat someone up, but if you try it, you’ll find you're still disappointed, and all that acting out hasn't fixed anything. Disappointment is a dead-end in your road; so you need to figure out a new direction.

Here are some Do's and Don'ts to help you:

DO put it in perspective: If you're disappointed, it hurts, but your life is not over. Look to your future, and see what you can do to make it better.
DO understand that you had some control, but not total control over this: With an objective look at what went wrong, you can make plans to improve your team effort, your skills, your spirit and then look forward to the next event. Don't blame yourself for the things you couldn't control, but change the things you can.
DON'T give up: You’re not a failure unless you quit; so don't quit when you're behind. Instead, get determined to do better.
DO try to learn from the experience: Every disappointment is an opportunity to learn from whatever went wrong. Re-play your mental tapes of the event, and figure out how you can do better.
DON'T expect anyone to sympathize beyond the first few moments: Sympathy feels good for a short while, but it debilitates you in the long run. You'll feel better if you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the game.

Letting go of Resentment, Discontent and Frustration

Discontent and frustration are destructive, because they give rise to hopelessness and despair. If you can’t solve problems, communicate or get along with yourself or someone else, you’ll lose hope that you will ever be able to enjoy life. Resentment and frustration rob your days of the joyous and happy moments. When you’re frustrated and hopeless, you lack patience and the ability to think clearly and creatively. The good news is, you can learn patience and clear thinking.

Acquiring Patience

Learning to be patient and remain calm reduces and relieves stress and worry. Cultivating patience is really learning impulse control -- it's an issue in self-management. You can learn how to do "emotional maintenance" and shake off stress, keep on track of what you want to do, and let go of frustration when something is getting to you. Patience is learning how to wait and think before acting and made sure you understand the options and take control of your own ideas and decisions. It's a growth process, a transformation of self through awareness and learning.

To acquire patience, learn not to act on impulse, but change your thinking and attitude, and reach out for support and encouragement. To learn the necessary patience and determination that enhances your communication, these seven steps will help.

Seven Steps to Help You Learn Patience:

1: Wait: The old advice to “count to 10 before you respond” is a great way to learn patience. Give yourself a chance to give your best response.

2: Use Perspective--put your impulses or desires in perspective-- will it be important an hour from now--fifteen minutes from now? Most of them won't be.

3. Self-understanding: If you are tempted to act or speak on impulse, understand that the impulse is normal, but you don’t have to be run by it. Reactions and impulses are suspect--it's how thoughtfully we act on them that counts. If your impulsive thoughts or actions ruin moments, they’re not worth it.

4: Take a longer view: If you’re reacting because someone upset you (e.g.: your partner hurt your feelings) give a little prayer of thanks that it wasn't worse, say a blessing for your partner, friend or co-worker (who probably needs it) and you'll feel better. If you are tempted to act impulsively, pause a minute and consider your bigger goal--then decide if the momentary impulse is worth setting back your goal.

5. Give yourself a break: If you act on an impulse before thinking about it, acknowledge what you did, then forgive yourself and get back on track. If you find yourself acting impulsively a lot, then maybe your goal is too rigid, and you need to allow a little more room for yourself, or to renegotiate the contract with your spouse. Find an outlet for your impulses where they won’t do harm.

6. Refocus: Impulses are often a reaction to outside circumstances--for example, being annoyed because your partner isn’t available, when you could enjoy using the time you have to yourself. Make sure what you’re doing is what you really want to do.

7: Celebrate: Remember to celebrate your accomplishments and all the times you do what you intend to, keep your promises, and work things out. Frequent small celebrations are a way to reward yourself for patience, and to increase your motivation to be even more patient. Complement and encourgage yourself and others.

adapted from: It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: His priorities are with his family (brothers and sisters)

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been in a relationship for 4 1/2 years now. First 3 years  were great were got along very good and had no big issues. But as of  approximately  1 1/2 years ago to this day we have discussions at  least once a  week.

The Problem: Him not spending time with me we maybe spend 3 to 4 hours a  week together.

His priorities are with his family (brothers and sisters)  Particularly 1 his only sister she is very dependent on him to do  everything for her. She is married and spends more time with her brother  than with her husband. I feel jealous about this since I think that he  should be spending more time with me since supposedly he is in love with me and were are planning someday to get married and have a child. I feel that  she manipulates him we have discussed this and he got pretty upset about my  comment.  What do you think I should do about this problem. Is it my fault  or is it time to move on. Since this has been an ongoing problem and we  cannot resolve.

Dear Reader:

Your story makes me want to ask "What happened at 3 years?  Did you begin to ask for more at that time?"  If so, then your partner only wants as much relationship as you had then, and no more.  He probably feels that you are asking for more than he wants to give.  "Should" is not going to get you anywhere. You hit it on the head with "His priorities are with his family (brothers and sisters)."

You are probably right about his priorities, and it doesn't sound like he's open to change.  So, right or wrong, the one who has to change (if you want this relationship) is you. Is there a way you can share this time with him and his family, so you are not shut out?  After all, if you begin relating to him like his sisters, he will begin treating you like them.

Planning someday to get married and have a child is a trap.  There's no way to tell if "someday" will ever come, and a fantasy is only a fantasy, unless *both* of you want to make it real.  If he can be manipulated by his sister, he can also be manipulated by you.  Be smarter.  Think about what will work with him; not what he "should" do.  If you back off and see less of him, he will probably want you more: it usually works that way. "Getting to Yes"; "Asking for What you Want" and "Stop Reacting and Start Responding" will help you understand how to get a conversation started. How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will teach you both the skills you need to balance your relationship, and keep each other interested.  It sounds like you're going backwards right now.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Why Did you recommend not asking?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read Age Differences in Dating I did date for about 3 years a woman about 4 years older than me. I love her still and we separated because one thing I felt was that she never wanted to open up about herself. The following comment caught my attention: ( I underlined and bolded the parts I would like some more explanation from you about this recommendation, since I did talk about and asked about her life, as a way to develop a stronger bond and intimacy with her.)  "Make Conversation Interesting and Easy, With No Deep Secrets: You can talk about anything, including your personal lives, past relationships and love in general, but don’t be the one who brings up the intimate topics first. Be careful not to pry too deeply into your date’s private life and secrets, unless the information is voluntarily offered. You’ll learn a lot more about your date if you are genuinely interested in hearing what he or she has to say; than if you conduct an interrogation."

Any response would be greatly appreciated, since I do want to understand what I might have done wrong.

Dr. Romance responds:

After dating three years, it's not unreasonable for you to want a woman to open up to you.  I can't know for sure what was wrong, but perhaps she felt you would judge her, be too jealous, or not understand something in her past.   My recommendations were for people in new relationships. "Is Dating Scary? Here's What to Do" will help you understand what works in dating. "Getting to Yes" will help you get a good response without being intimidating.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together has guidelines which will help you talk about intimate topics successfully. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I need a man to stand behind me

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm an Iraqi woman in my forties.  I am divorced & I have a daughter in her twenties. I read your article "Age Differences in Dating". 3 months ago I fell in love with a man a few years older than my daughter. At first I didn’t know his age.  He insists he wants to marry me but I hesitate for 2 reasons: first his age & secondly he has a family. He is very insistent.  I want your advice about what to do. You may not know about how Iraqis think about that and think I should refuse him, but I need a man to stand behind me to help me feel that I’m a woman.  Please help me

Dear Reader:

I do understand some of what it must mean to be an Iraqi woman, and I know what you mean by needing a man to stand behind you.

If this man wants to marry you, and you have reason to believe he will be good to you (which is very important) there is no reason why you should not marry him.  It sounds to me as if you need each other.  He needs help with his family, and you need help with yours. 

Please do everything you can to make sure you'll be treated well.   "Aspects of Love"  and "Asking for What You Want" will help you understand how to create a good partnership, and "The Challenges of Blended Families" will help both of you learn how to create a healthy blended family.

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty is exactly what you need to help you think more clearly about the changes you want to make.  The exercises and information in it will help you make the right decisions.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on The Worrier’s Guidelines: simple steps to combat worry

Dr. Romance writes: Often, it seems that there are not enough hours in the day to do everything that must be done, and like the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland we have to run as fast as we can just to stay in place.  And she was created before computers, cell phones and e-mail!   I often find myself worrying about a future I can’t predict, or things I haven’t done.  Worry saps energy, and accomplishes nothing, so I’ve developed a method of dealing with worry that you might find helpful, especially when you can’t sleep or if you’re anxious.  Whenever you’re  worried,  follow these simple steps:

1. Write it down.   If you’re feeling anxious or worried, or you can’t stop thinking about some event that hasn’t happened yet, take a few moments to write down whatever is worrying you.  If you can’t  write it down, think it through carefully until you can clearly say what you’re worrying about.  Clarifying your worries will stop the free-floating sensation of anxiety with no basis.

2. Evaluate.  Think about the first item on your list.  Ask yourself “Is there anything I can do about it now?” If you’re at home and worrying about the office, or if the problem won’t occur until next week or next year, you may not be able to do anything about it right now.  Or, perhaps you can make yourself a note, make a  call, devise a plan,  or ask for help. 

3. Do Something. If there is something you can do, do it.  Rather than waste time worrying,  decide to get something done.  For example,
∙ If you’re worrying about how your presentation will go at work tomorrow, go over your notes and lay out your clothes for the morning.
∙  If you’re worried about a health problem,  look up the illness or injury on the Internet, or call your doctor and ask some questions. 
∙ If you’re at work worrying and about cooking dinner when you get home, write down a menu or a list of ingredients.
∙  If you’re worried that you may be fired, update your resume and call some agencies.  You don’t have to take another job right away, but if there’s a real problem you’ll be prepared.

Here’s how it looks in action: If you’re worried that the roof may leak the next time it rains, start making a list about what you can do about it. Your inner dialog may sound like this:

“The news said it was going to rain next week.  I’m worried that the roof might leak.”:
“Call a roofing company and have them look at it.”
“I’m worried that a roofing company will charge me more than they should because I don’t  know how much it should cost.”
“Call my brother, (or my neighbor, or my friend) who had his roof done, and ask him what  it costs, and also if he liked the contractor he used.”
“Okay.” 
When you reach this “okay”, it’s time to make the call, or, if it’s too late at night,  make a note to  call the next day.

4. Distract Yourself. When you’ve done what you can, or made your lists or notes, then distract yourself: Count your blessings, get involved in something else,  read,  or take a walk or a bath. 

Repeat the above steps whenever you’re worried, and you’ll find that your worries decrease.  I wish you days full of blessings.

Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: His moods are getting more and more unbearable to live with

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been married for almost four years to a man twelve years younger. We have a four-year-old son. My problem is I need to find a better way of dealing with my husband's bad moods, which are getting more and more unbearable to live with.  Occasionally I give in to that highly destructive self-indulgent urge to criticize my husband for it in the presence of our child, although when that happens I find a way for us to make up, apologize and/or show our enduring love (also in his presence) shortly thereafter. 

These days he is frequently in a very bad mood by the time he gets home. It is usually late as he works a day job and goes straight from there to working at getting his own business afloat.  I probably should ignore his moods, but when he's cold and unresponding (and even downright mean) to our son, my blood just boils.  I'm thinking "That's the reward our son gets after waiting a miserably long week to get to spend some time with his dad.  And not once complaining, just waiting for his turn to be the center of his dad's universe."

Our son has intermittently exhibited somewhat aggressive and combative behavior since he was a toddler, usually in the form of play-acting.  Although he has noticeably improved and continues improving his behavior, I feel at least part of this acting out is an attempt to get his father's attention as well as a release of anger that builds up from such continuous frustration. He hardly ever gets Charles' undivided attention.  It is extremely painful for me to observe.

This past week our son started pre-school.  His dad worked late nights the whole week, but he did manage to come home fairly early Friday evening.  Then he spent most of that time talking on the telephone, which left very little opportunity for meaningful conversation with our son.  That almost felt like a slap in the face, seeing how the boy had just reached one of those special markers in life, one which had been a rather difficult adjustment for him. and his dad was becoming more and more distant that evening; he was preoccupied with his favorite subject:  his business.

What's really bothering me is that we have been discussing this particular problem since our son was a couple of months old.  He keeps promising to do better, to make it up to him, to us.  Changing people is impossible, isn't it?  Shouldn't we allow people to be who they are and accept them as they are?  Those thoughts going on one side of my brain, the other side shouting an adamant "NO!  Our son needs more than that and he deserves more and I'm not going to accept less than what is required for his well-being."

It seems my husband was also emotionally abused as a child by his mother, who, when angry at him, would also ignore, shun and generally act as if he did not exist until she decided to acknowledge his existence once again. He admits he treats his own son the way he was treated as a child.  When we discuss this during normal, calm discussions, he says he feels he was treated too severely as a child. When I ask him how he felt at the time he was being treated that way, he responds that he hated it and that it was unfair.  And sometimes he will add something to the effect that "it worked so it must be all right."

Before I cloud the issue with excess detail, I suppose what I could use the most is any advice on dealing with this problem and also some techniques which might help me avoid arguing, criticizing and complaining (things I know not to do because they solve nothing).

If my husband's behavior sounds like he may suffer from some mild (or even not so mild) condition, disorder, etc., I would like a chance to learn about it in order to better deal with it and maybe even help him help himself.  Other things about his behavior that disturb me include having a persistently negative outlook about the world and life in general (negative comments seem to "pop" out before he has a chance to think a "good" thought; although he seems to make an effort at times to change to a positive comment.

He seems to think about himself or things related to him almost constantly. At the same time he seems to have a terribly low self esteem.  He obsessess about having a multi-million-dollar business one day and being self-made and self-sufficient.  Right now he has a low-paying job which makes him feel bad about himself.  He tends to shift blame for most mistakes to sources other than himself. All I know is my little boy, who happens to be a very sensitive little guy, is crushed over and over again by his fathers lack of attention.

Something very disturbing to me happened tonight.  My husband was dozing on our bed.  I laid down beside him, put my arm around him, and he put his around me.  Like clockwork, before long, there's the kid plopping down in between the two of us.  My husband then turns on his back and completely ignores the child, clearly not thrilled  about the sudden threesome.  Whether or not the child's motive was to separate mom and dad (I think that irritates my husband), I feel is unimportant because obviously he is seeking companionship from his father at the same time. I would hazard a guess that it is precisely this unmet need for his fathers companionship that is creating some emotional turmoil in our child.

It feels like a vicious cycle/circle.  Boy wants dad, dad wants wife, wife wants vacation (just joking there).  Seriously, what's so disturbing to me is that it feels like my husband is craving my attention just as badly as our son is craving his father's.  I might understand that if I felt I ignored my husband to any degree, but I don't.  Quite the opposite is the case.  I basically am unable to ignore any human being, even if I tried.  He is a talker and he gets a lot of my attention.

These are things that cannot wait; they cannot be done without or substituted or made up for.  When parents are not available to their child, when the child goes unheard, unnoticed or ignored, with each occurrence that soul is permanently and irreparably damaged to some degree.  I can no longer stand by and watch this happening to our family.  I am taking action.  Somebody, somehow, some way is going to get through to you.  

Dear Reader: 

I understand your frustration, but, as you said, getting angry isn't going to do any good. What you really need to do is find a substitute for his dad in your son's life.  Do you have a brother/father/ cousin who can take an interest in him?  Your husband needs a role model for fathering, and also a little motivation. Seeing some other man involved with his son (and make sure he sees it)  can do both.  If not, try getting a Big Brother for your son. 

You are not going to be able to push your spouse into doing what doesn't come naturally to him, what he has no basis for understanding.  He obviously identifies with his work (as do many type-A men) and believes earning a living is sufficient. 
 
The effect of abuse in childhood is that the adult grows up to be unfeeling and withdrawn.  It is not something he does on purpose: it's called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and it's an emotional dysfunction. It is not just going to go away because you tell him to change.  Your husband needs help, but he probably would not be willing to admit it.  I recommend you go to some Adult Children of Alcoholics ( ACoA) meetings, or get into therapy yourself, to learn about the problem and get support in working through it, because your husband will most likely not go on his own, due to his PTSD.

Your spouse would see low pay as a big problem, but he won't see lack of emotional expression or support as a problem.  He doesn't really acknowledge that emotional bonding is desirable, since he never experienced it.  The truth is, your son could be OK if his father were dead or gone.  He would still grow up to be a well-balanced man.  Yes, it would be ideal for him to have contact with his father, but there are other things that will give him what he needs.  Try not to make this a bigger problem than it really is. Stop holding out for your husband to do it, and go about finding the necessary substitutes.  Single mothers have to do this all the time.

Because of your husband's childhood issues, he can't get sufficient attention to meet his needs.  That's the disorder he has.  And he will  see your son as his rival for the affection he desperately needs, but at the same time can't let in.  Don't count on your husband "taking it to heart."   He is damaged, and the repairs needed are extensive.  You're better off seeking to replace what your son needs elsewhere, and take the pressure off yourself and your husband. He doesn't understand what it is to love, because he was not loved himself as a child, so you're trying to get blood out of a stone --no chance.  You are the one who has to see what's going on.  If you insist on your husband doing it, matters will just get worse.

So, you need some therapy to get yourself on an even keel before you can help either your son or your husband.  Try my article "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  To better understand your husband's issues read It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

Later, Reader replies:

You are great!  Your answers were VERY HELPFUL. I was desperate and only wrote out of desperation, not even thinking I'd receive ANY answer, much less an answer that actually makes sense to me. I have been reading about PTSD lately and did not even connect that disorder to my husband.  Thank you, thank you, thank you. I will remember how grateful I am when I do become financially able to pay for some counseling/therapy.  I did about a year ago get the idea of "big brothers."  I guess it is time. Love your advice!

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: He says that I am cheating on him, but I don't feel that way.

Dear Dr. Romance:

My boyfriend and I have been having problems in our relationship  lately because of of the time I spend on social media.  I estimate that in  a 48 hour period I spend 8 hours chatting with my friends.  He estimates that I spend 15 hours there.  One of his biggest problems is that the chat rooms are adult-xxx rooms, but for the most part I don't do the XXX stuff.  Only when we both agree do we get intimate.  He has caught me  in the chat room without him on occasion when I promised not to, and this is a big part of the problem.

My position that he is the one who introduced me to this scene  and now that I love it he wants me to quit.  He feels that I am ignoring  him in favor of these other people and that he can't trust me anymore.   He says that I am cheating on him, but I don't feel that way.  I am just having fun with this.  I am popular here and get a lot of attention. It is a ego boost.

The whole issue goes way beyond what I've mentioned here.  It is  the whole progression of the situation.  In the two months that I've  been doing this, he feels that I have elevated my chat friends to the  same level that he has been for these last twelve years. 

What do you think we should do?  There must be a compromise that can be reached.

Dear Reader:

Well, telling him you wouldn't, and then doing it, is a big problem, isn't it?   Breaking the trust in your relationship creates a lot of problems.  I know how easy it is to spend lots of time online, but even 8 out of 48 hours sounds like too much to me.  It makes me think that the rest of your life lacks enough contact with real time friends. Yes, the ego boost does feel good, but it won't replace your relationship if you lose it, so you need to put everything in perspective.   It sounds like you two used to do this chatting together, and now you don't.  That's a big change in your agreement. The first thing I'd suggest is that you do a lot of the chatting together.  That way, no one has to worry about trust, because both of you will know what's going on.  Also, you need to reach some mutual agreements about what you're doing.  

If you're using the chat rooms to avoid problems in your relationship, you'll just make things worse. "Better Intimacy, Better Sex" will help you heal your sexual relationship.  "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will help you work out a new agreement that you can both be happy with. If he's acting like a policeman, and you're feeling that you have to hide out from him, that won't work either.  

You must stop focusing on who's right or wrong, and start focusing on what will fix the problem between you. How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will teach you the skills you need to know for learning to negotiate agreements like this.  If you can't learn to work together, use "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" and go for marriage counseling with a sex-positive counselor who can understand the issues.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I have no support structure

Dear Dr. Romance: 

 

I am 48 years of age, never married but would definitely like to. I am doing the online dating thing for a while now and so far no success.  I am currently speaking to a gentleman who lives in another state; but given he is currently a pilot he feels bicoastal is a good thing for him.  I, of course, am open to it. However, it’s all still very new.  He is going to arrange to meet with me soon and take it from there.   Well, I know it's all talk let's see what happens now.

 

In any event, the primary reason why I am writing is because I get depressed, lonely and get feelings of hopelessness. Sometimes I feel as though what I am doing is a waste of time.  It really can be discouraging but I try my best to get on my feet.  I have no support structure.  My mother passed away five years ago and my father almost one year ago as well. Therefore, I basically have no family except for a five year old niece that is currently in foster care about to be adopted.   I am strongly considering relocating.  This city has changed drastically and the cost of living has risen tremendously.  I think I can get more for the money elsewhere, but that is in the back of my head and remains to be seen.   I have a distant aunt who is discouraging and advices me to give up on the man thing since nothing works for me.  I am not ready to give up.  Although I admit it's discouraging I do have fun trying.   I am unhappy with work and basically have no friends.  Most of what I do to entertain myself I have to do alone and it takes the fun out of things.  It's good to have downtime but I have a bit too much.  There are times that I just don't know what do with myself, or even where to go as big as this city is.  There are but only so many museums you can go to and so many books you can read.   It really just comes down to wanting to be with someone. 

 

This gentleman I plan on meeting is 38 years of age and I am 48 years of age. He says he likes older women and does not want a family.  It works fine by now I can't have them he doesn't want them so it's all good.    What is your opinion on this?  I mean it is an 11 year age gap. 

 

I enjoyed reading your article on “The Colors of You” and it made me cry.  I am going to purchase some of your self help books but don't know which one yet.

  

Dear Reader:

 

I'm glad you liked "The Colors of You."  It sounds like you need to get more of a life.  If you want to move, this would be a good time, since you haven't established any connections there, but take care in choosing where you want to live.  Make sure your new place has what you want.  Yes, it would be cheaper to live elsewhere, but it won't benefit you if you don't like the place. 

 

I don't think an 11 year age difference is something to worry about, and long distance relationships can work, but one relationship is not enough to fill up your life.  Find some group activities to join.  If you like museums, every one has classes, lectures, and group activities.  Find one you're interested in that has something people come to regularly, and begin going.  After a few sessions, you'll begin making connections with people, and friendships can grow from that. You won't find happiness until you find friends; they make all the difference in your life. "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" will teach you how, and "Your Bestest Friend - You" will show you how to befriend yourself.  The best book for you to get is The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty.  It will help you achieve balance in your life.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance on Silver and Gold: secrets to making and keeping friends

Dr. Romance writes: Make new friends, keep the old. One is silver, the other is gold.——adage

Research conducted by Dr. Dean Ornish and others shows that the happiest and healthiest people are those who are well-connected to friends and family. But, in our mobile society, keeping friends is not always possible. Long-term friendships are wonderful and valuable, but if you don’t make new connections as you get older, your group of friends may diminish due to death and relocation. If you haven’t made new friends in a while, updating your definition of friendship and increasing your skills at meeting people will be worth your while.

First, consider what being a friend means to you. Who are your best friends? What qualities do they have? Once you have a clear idea of the kinds of friendships you would enjoy, you can decide to create more of them in your life. This can be done in two ways:

• Make changes in your current relationships ask your friends to participate in activities you enjoy, and spend more time with the friends whose style of friendship best complements your own.

• Create new friendships: Reach out to coworkers, your neighbors or church members and invite them to accompany you in a favorite activity or for coffee. As an alternative, you may want to join a discussion group focused on literature, film, or painting, or take a class in yoga, or cooking. If you spend time with people who have similar interests, you will soon create new friends.

If you find that you don’t have enough friends, here are some guidelines for making new ones. Of course, you can tailor these suggestions to your personal tastes.

1. Get a social life. If you want to meet people with whom you have something in common, do things on a regular basis that involve others. Activities can range from taking classes, joining hobby clubs, volunteering, playing a sport or game, hiking, or any pursuit that meets regularly. The people you meet will share your interest, and you’ll have something to talk about and enjoy together.

2. Find interesting, fun people. Being involved in an ongoing activity, and meeting with the same people on a regular basis gives you a chance to get to know them before you decide to pursue a more personal relationship. When you find someone you think is particularly pleasant, spend a little time talking with him or her during or after your activity. Ask questions about the project you are working on, or share experiences and advice. If you both enjoy the conversation, goes well, you can offer to meet before or after the session for coffee. From there, you can begin do more things together, until you’ve established a pattern of friendship.

3. Don’t overlook people you know. While you’re making new friends, don’t forget the people you already know. Is there a favorite family member you’d like to see more often? Call him or her and suggest going for a walk, or to lunch. Are there acquaintances at work, at church, in your neighborhood, involved in your child’s ( or your own) school, or elsewhere with whom you could develop a friendship? Consider reaching out to them. Let these people know that you’d like to share events and activities.

Spending quality time with friends is beneficial to your emotional, mental and physical health. If you follow the above steps, you’ll find that it isn’t as difficult as you think to make friends.

Adapted from The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm afraid of an unsuccessful "goose chase"

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been very hesitant to contact a marriage counselor because of bad experiences I have heard about from others.  If you were in my part of the country, how would you go about seeking out and selecting one?  I have not even begun to look for fear this would be an unsuccessful "goose chase".  Thanks.

Dr. Romance responds:

There are good and bad counselors, just as there are good and bad plumbers, doctors and lawyers.  See if you can find a friend who's had a good experience. : "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" shows you  Internet sites you can search to find a reputable and effective therapist, when to get a therapist, and how to make sure it's the right therapist. I've listed the  "Ten Things People Don't Know About Therapy" here to help you understand the reality of getting counseling.

Ten Things People Don’t Know about Therapy

I recently had a first session with a client who said, about halfway into the hour “Wow. I like you. I’m surprised.” I laughed, but I knew what the client meant. As a psychotherapist in private practice, I encounter a lot of people who waited far too long to come in for counseling because they didn’t understand what it was or how it could help them. When they do finally come in, I hear all the reasons why they haven’t come in sooner. There’s a lot of bad information out there. These ten things will clear up confusion and help you understand when counseling would be a good idea for you, or for a friend, colleague or family member.

1. It doesn’t mean you’re crazy. Therapy is for helping you learn to handle your feelings and thoughts in a more effective way.

2. It’s not about blaming your parents or other people. While understanding events in your life that may trigger feelings is helpful, a good therapist will not encourage you to blame anyone, even yourself. The point is to make changes in how you think and feel.

3. It really can vastly improve your life, and make you more successful and happier.

4. You can learn skills you didn’t know you needed, that will get you what you want.

5. It’s not scary, it’s enlightening. You won’t be harmed or belittled—instead, you’ll be delighted at what you find out.

6. It doesn’t cost a lot. The earlier you go in, the quicker you can get the problem solved, and the less it will cost.

7. No topic is off limits. Whatever you haven’t been able to talk about, the therapist will create a safe place for you to hear and be heard.

8. Communication is not only something you need to learn to do well with others, it is also important to see how you’re relating to yourself. Therapy will help you learn the skills you need to improve both external and internal communication.

9. Even if you are on medication, you can benefit from counseling. Research shows overwhelmingly that medication alone won’t fix anxiety or depression. Learning to express your feelings and become comfortable with yourself, as well as changing your self-talk, is what makes the difference.

10 It’s about being happy, sunshine. Therapy can help you understand your underlying motive and desires and teach you how to be your best, most fulfilled, and happiest self.

If you know someone you want to recommend counseling to, the best way to do it without hurting their feelings or upsetting them is to tell about your own experience and how it helped you. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  will show you or someone you care about when and how to find a good therapist.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will teach you the same skills and techniques I teach couples in my therapy practice.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I walked away when she needed me most

Dear Dr. Romance:

 

I am a young man whose life has fallen apart because of the girl I love so much. I slept with her but then she betrayed me by telling every body she saw and I felt so bad and walked away from her when she needed me the most. I could count all the tears that run out of her eyes but still could do nothing. Now she has found herself a new lover when I also need her the most. When I call her and tell her I miss her she rejects me.  Now I realize she is only woman I have ever truly loved with all my heart. I am afraid I might hurt her again just because I love her. I care for her so much. Please help me out I am dying here, and it’s all because of love. Help me get her back.  Please give me tips on how to get her back I know I am willing and obedient and able wait only for her.

 

Dear Reader:

 

I'm afraid you blew this one.  If she's already involved with someone else, you have to leave her alone.  Learn from your mistakes, and work on being more emotionally mature.  I can't help you get her back, but if you give her a lot of space (no calls, no texts, no e-mails, no stalking her on Social Media, no following her around or showing up at her house)  she may have a chance to re-think things.  In the meantime, get on with your life. "10 Reasons For Not Falling in Love" will help you understand why you walked away from your love,  "Growing Up As An Adult" will help you become more emotionally mature, and  "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will give you a healthy model for your future relationship. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction has all the information you need to improve your life and relationships.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: The constant problem has been broken trust

Dear Dr. Romance,

My girlfriend is 17 years older than me and we have been dating for over 2 years. The past year has had lots of fighting and has been very tough on both of us. We are currently taking a break, trying to work out our differences. The constant problem has been broken trust. I love this woman more than I could ever imagine myself loving someone.

 

She has literally been everything I want in a woman, except for just a few things. She is very free spirited and DOES NOT want to be controlled. On the level of where we are at in our lives, we are very close to the same point and our chemistry is perfect on our good days. She feels like my soul mate until we get into an argument about something related to the trust being broken. I really want to make this work, what would you recommend for me to do?  I own a company and go to school full time, she goes to the same school as me and we are both about a year from graduating and she has many stressful pressures on her for her life in general. I feel that I get the short end of the stick sometimes, since we are so close. She has stated that she could see herself with me forever, she could see herself having kids with me (not even when she was married, could she say that) and that she feels closer to me than anyone else she has ever dated, or her previous husband. I hope you can give me some advice because she really means the world to me and I love her soooo much, thanks!

 

Dear Reader:

 

I think the key is in your statement that she "does not want to be controlled."    To me, this means that both of you think one person should be in control of the relationship, and that's why you're fighting.  You're probably always fighting about who's right, aren't you?  Relationships are not about control: they're about partnership; working together to figure out what will work for both of you.  You have to accept that she's got a busy life right now, and help her by not being too demanding. Instead, make it as easy as possible for the two of you to see each other, and for both of you to get your school work done.  Fighting is a giant waste of your time, and it does damage besides.  "Fair Fight Guidelines"  and "Stop Reacting; Start Relating" will help you learn to communicate instead of fight, and How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will show you how to understand each other and give each other room to be individuals.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance: You Are a Gift

Dr. Romance writes: Each of us is individual, special and different for a reason: You are a gift to the planet.

Anthropology tells us we are different because we survive better that way – the recombining of genes in sexual reproduction makes us a stronger species than cloning would.

However, that doesn’t account for the beauty of our differences. Each of us is a special package, a gift to the planet. If you’re looking for a reason for your life, look into your gifts. The whole point is to discover what you have to give, and to give it as effectively as possible.

I believe I came into this planet to heal: First, to heal myself and learn to value who I am, then to help heal the planet, one person at a time.

Healing is an art; not just a science or a technology. It’s not enough to throw the latest scientific discovery or medical advance at the problem – you have to get into all the messy, bleeding, hurting parts, sort out the problem, and clear the blocks so the healing can begin.

All my experience, personal and professional verifies that this is the only way it can be done. There are many different paths that can be used to get into the healing mode, and they all lead to the same place: love. Healing only takes place in an atmosphere of love. My clients heal as they learn to love themselves, and demonstrating love to those around you will create a healing atmosphere. But what is love?

Love is a confusing word. We use it to mean obligation: "If you love me you’ll...." We use it for dependency: "I love you, I can’t live without you." We use it for ownership: "We’re in love, we belong to each other." We use it for charity: "I do this for you because I love you."

I want to see love freed. I think the world exists on love, and that it is love which binds us together.

Science has not yet understood the mysterious force which holds the tiny particles of the atom together, and thus holds everything in our physical world together. Pretend with me that the binding force is love: If that were true, then we’d each be an expression of love and surrounded by love. The phrase "God is love" would take on new dimensions.

We would be free and able to let our partners be free, because we would not have to do anything to be bonded. And we would not have to prove to ourselves that we love – it would be obvious to all around us. We could let our partners be different without being scared – just as protons and neutrons are different and express themselves differently, yet remain bonded.

So, I talk frequently about love, and as much as possible, walk my talk. My life is about freeing love. I believe love grows out of freedom, that free beings are open to loving and being loved. It is not possible to push or force people into loving. The only thing that works is leaving enough room for love to grow.

The more free people there are, the more love will be freed in the world. I invite you to join me in creating as much non-demanding, non-possessive love as we can in the world.

Adapted from How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I have been feeling lonely since high school

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am 23 years old. I have been feeling lonely since high school and recently, its been getting worse. I feel like I can't have really close relationships with women and yet that is what I crave most right now. I recently cut off a friendship of 5 years because my "friend" was selfish and didn't really care about me. I have been making plans with friends, for instance last weekend, I went with a few friends to Santa Barbara on a bachelorette party. And I talk to/am acquainted with quite a few girls with whom I can socialize, make plans, hang out, but I don't feel really close to them. I really want to meet a few girls that will be my best friends, and hang out with me often, take trips together, etc. But once I establish contact with a girl and we start going out together, it doesn't seem like we can ever get it to that next "best friend" level.

A little bit of background: I don't smoke or drink alcohol and its not a religious thing, so I feel that to a certain degree that has impaired my ability to become close with others. As you no doubt know, most people in our society, most of which are my age, partake in the supposed  pleasure of alcohol. They do stupid stuff, and they bond over it, while I am left out. This has wreaked  havoc for me in the friendship department in college. I enjoy going out dancing, but because I don't drink, none of my friends who do really invite me out, its always me who has to do the inviting.

The people that do hang out with me perceive me, as best as I can tell, to be interesting, and fun, etc. But for some reason, we can't connect on that deeper level. Can you help me?

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you're feeling lonely.  Perhaps you're choosing the wrong crowd with whom to seek friendship.  A bachelorette party, by definition, will probably involve drinking, as will dancing.  It sounds as if you're doing OK meeting new friends, but if you want the people you meet to be capable of deeper friendships, you need to stay away from the drinking crowd.  Find a study group, sports club, political club, music group, hobby group or book club within your school  in which to meet new friends.  If the group isn't centered around partying, you'll be much more successful.  "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends"  and "The Tennis Match"  will help you have been success with friends, and The 10 Smartest Decisions A Woman Can Make Before 40 will help you with every aspect of connecting with people.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I Cry upon a disagreement

 Dear Dr. Romance:

Your article on "Fair Fight Guidelines" is wonderful!!!  My major issue is that I cry upon a disagreement. This prevents me to think clearly, act maturely and interact directly. Would you please address this issue?

Dear Reader:

Thank you for the compliment. I'm glad you liked the article. Crying on disagreement is probably something you learned as a small child: it most likely prevented people from being harsh with you.  However, you've seen it doesn't work very well in adult life.  "Comforting the Little  Orphan Girl" will help you understand the source of your tears.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  has specific exercises which will help you be more in charge of your feelings, so you can remain in adult mode when under stress. Best of luck with your relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I was controlling and verbally abusive

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm a 32 yr old man who is lost when it comes to relationships. I just had a chance with a nice woman which I subconsciously messed up. I didn't accept her for who she was . I was controlling, verbally abusive, and not compassionate with her. The thing is I don't know why I did this. My mother was never really in relationship after she divorced my father. I would ask her different things about women but she would give  me vague answers. I learned about women in the streets. I was taught that women will get over on you if they can. Also I was taught that if women  were to respect me I had to control them. I don't wanna be like this though  but it's ingrained in me. I don't have money for a psychologist but I need  help: where do I go?

Dear Reader:

You're right. Your belief system is toxic, and won't lead to successful  relationships.  Love is not about controlling the other person, it is about developing a partnership that works.   "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  will help you find therapy you can afford.  "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship" will help you understand what is confusing about relationships, and my book, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will help you create a new model of relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance on How to Write a Love Letter: put your relationship in perspective

Happy Valentine's Day!

Dr Romance adapted this from an Alcoholics Anonymous handout:

We often get out of touch or out of sorts with people – sometimes they leave or pass on, sometimes we quarrel, sometimes we just grow apart. If your connection, or lack of one, with someone is troubling you, here’s a simple way to ease your mind and your heart.

HOW TO WRITE A LOVE LETTER

Writing has a powerful effect on our emotional state. The following exercise is designed to help you fully express feelings that may have lain dormant for a long time, or may be too intense and jumbled for your to process effectively. You’ll find it helpful in expressing what you feel, especially if you’re having difficulty letting go, forgiving, grieving for or being appropriately angry at someone.

THIS LETTER IS NOT DESIGNED TO BE MAILED TO ANYONE. After you write it, you may decide to write another appropriately adjusted for the other person to read. The point of this is to let your feelings out, uncensored and unedited. Begin by expressing your anger, resentment and blame and allow yourself to move through the other levels until you get down to the love.

You may find your feelings begin pouring out as you write. If so, just go with what you feel. If you get stuck or confused, using the following suggested lead_in phrases may help you.

1. ANGER AND BLAME

I don’t like it when.............

I resent...........

I hate it when

I’m fed up with.......

I’m tired of...........

2. HURT AND SADNESS

I feel sad when......

I feel hurt because.......

I feel awful because........

I feel disappointed because...........

3. FEAR AND INSECURITY

I feel afraid..........

I’m afraid that..............

I feel scared because..............

I don’t understand..........

4.GUILT AND RESPONSIBILITY

I’m sorry that.......

I’m sorry for........

Please forgive me for.........

I didn’t mean to...........

5.LOVE, FORGIVENESS, UNDERSTANDING AND DESIRE

I love you because...........

I love when..........

Thank you for.........

I understand that........

I forgive you for.........

I want...............

Now, put the letter away for a couple of days, then re-read it and decide if you want to share part of it with the other person . If you’re writing to someone who has passed on, or you can't contact, you may want to burn the letter, to symbolically "send" it.

from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I haven't even kissed a girl in ten years

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm not sure where to begin. I am single white male tall and stocky like a football player. My problem is I'm to shy and I fail to respond when women come on to me It's like I freeze up.  I'm not out to get laid but to fall in love I fell in love once and it totally wasted me. I haven't even kissed a girl in ten years if you believe that.

When I was an alcoholic I had no inhibitions and it was no problem to meet women but I haven't had a drink in ten years.  Now I'm sitting in the prison of Christianity and going nowhere. Any advice would be appreciated

Dear Reader:

There are two factors that contribute to your shyness.  One is that you never healed the hurt from 10 years ago, and you're afraid to open yourself up to being hurt again.

The other is that, when you make a huge change, like giving up alcohol, you have to re-learn how to do life.  What ever age you were when you began drinking (I'm guessing early teens) is the emotional age you are now, because drinking stopped you from learning for all those years.

Are you going to 12-step meetings?    If you are, that's a great place to learn with and from others who understand, because they've been there, too.  But, you're not going to learn unless you speak up and let your meeting know what your problem is.  If you are in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), and you have a sponsor, your sponsor can help.

You need to mentally practice how to talk to women.  Watch romantic movies and TV, and other people; and copy what the coolest men do.  Women will respond to you, you just have to know the techniques. Think of what you are doing as making friends, not beginning a new relationship.  That's too scary, when you don't even know the woman you're talking to.  If you focus on just making friends with women, you'll relax a little.  If a woman talks to you, and you freeze up, rehearse the scene later, when you're alone.  Instead of giving yourself a hard time, just practice what you could have said, and you'll find it easier to respond the next time.

In your imagination, go over every time a woman approached you, and figure out what you could have said and done.  Practice in front of a mirror.   You'll find you feel more comfortable after you've practiced a while. You need to do some work on your old hurt, and resolve it.   The Real Thirteenth Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance, and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs  has exercises and guidelines to help you.   "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" is a step-by step guide to dating. "10 Reasons for Not Falling in Love" will help you understand why you are having this problem.

 Christianity doesn't have to be a prison.  It could be a fellowship, and a great resource for understanding people you can talk to, volunteer with, and get to know. 

 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Can I ask her to give up her job?

             
Dear Dr. Romance:

My wife has developed a connection with someone at work.  Can I ask her to give up her job? If the guy she works with is the source of her attention, would it not be better to take him out of the picture. If she doesn't see him at all wouldn't that help  her concentrate on 'us'.  It has been a month since we have been intimate, and this has been going on for almost two months. I am trying to be patient; is there anything I can use as encouragement to help me continue fighting for my family, for my wife.  Is there signs, from her, I can use to know if things are changing?

I am going to ask her to go to a marriage counselor. If she insists we don't need one, and that everything will work out...then what??

Dear Reader:

Well, it's really time to begin talking to your wife (if it's not too late already).  A marriage can't survive on occasional time together.  You both need contact with each other.  It sounds like what happened is that she was used to being neglected, but now she's in an environment with other people who are giving her attention, communication and perhaps even affection. That's what you have to compete with.

DO NOT get upset and demand anything right now.  If you do, she will just get defensive and argue, or clam up and refuse to talk.  No matter how upset you are, you need to stay calm, let her know that you care about her, and invite her to talk to you.  What she probably needs to know is that you will listen to her without getting angry.    Let her know you're worried, you miss her, you want to fix any  problems the two of you have.

Begin there, and then if the two of you both still want the marriage to work, you'll probably  need some counseling.  This may be too big a problem to handle on your own. Read my article "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  I understand why you want her to give up her job; but it's not a good idea to ask anything of  her right now.  It still sounds as if you're seeing all this as "her fault"  rather than the obvious result of a problem both of you have created. Your best bet is to search for where you have gone wrong, and caused her to turn to someone else, and look for ways to fix that.   If you make that effort, and find ways to make being with you as inviting as possible, you may find  that she volunteers to quit or do something else to increase your time together.  But, to push for  her to quit when she's having a better time at work than at home, is not likely to  work. Get yourself some help in seeing things more from her point of view, and a little less from your own. "Handling the Green-Eyed Monster" will help you both understand jealousy and how to talk about it.  My book, Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed can help you create a more functional relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I catch him looking at me with passion in his eyes

Dear Dr. Romance:

As a woman in my early twenties, I am finding it hard to get over a man with whom i have  been in love with for 5 years. He is married now to another woman and they are about to have their first child.

Seven years ago, I joined a church choir where i met this man. He gives me  and some other choir members car ride every Saturday and Sunday to church.

He is such a really nice guy and i had a little crush on him. I think he did not say anything to me about his feelings because i was underage but when i turned 18 or 19 i believe, he gave me a birthday card and in it, he implied that he had feelings for me. I ignored it at first because i found out that he was engaged to another in our same church. 

Over time, I started to realize that i was falling in love with him. He treated me so well with respect and lots of care, and I could not help but fall in love with him. Even though he was engaged, he chatted with me online almost everyday.

Things were going well until 2 years ago when he told me he was getting married. I was heartbroken, I cried that night.  I think because at the back of my mind, I was holding on to the hope that one way or the other we would end up together.

To make things worse, the night before his wedding, he told me that he had to get something out of his chest and told me that He Loves Me.  I wondered why are you marrying this woman. If you love me so much, why don't you want to be in a committed relationship with me.

The truth of the matter is  that I wished I was the one he was getting married to and not his fiancée. I was invited to the wedding, went to the wedding, endured it and wished him happiness in his married life. But the struggle continued within.

He still loves me and i still love him. I tried so hard to get  over him. To told myself to just be his friend as i have been and be happy for the decision he made. He seems happy in his marriage but sometimes I catch him looking at me with passion in his eyes. When I avoid him for weeks by not chatting with him online or calling him, he gets hurt and feels like I am trying to stop our friendship. 

The problem is that I am still in love with him but I will never never in my life have an affair with a married man. Its so bad that sometimes i get so jealous when I see him with his wife. I even compare myself  to her asking myself, how is she better than me. A few days ago, he told me that his wife is pregnant and they are going to have a baby. I congratulated him, but for some reason I cried. In my mind I was like, it  is over. 

Please help. I really want to get over this man. I am sick and tired of feeling hurt over a man I will never have. I want my heart to move one. Right now I am single and I think that is even making things worse. I want to find a man who deserves me and will treat me with love and respect. A man I can love back. A man who will not be ashamed to spend the rest of his life  with me.

How do I get over this man??? That is my big problem. I even got mad at myself for feeling  sad when he told me that he and his wife are having a child. I am truly happy for them. But I am  still hurt. I need to get over my wounds at heart.

I need to get over him in my heart not just in my head. He is making it hard for me still  because he even told me that once he thought that he made the wrong  choice of marrying his wife. He thought that when he got married that he would forget about me but he did not. And at one time when he was still engaged to his wife that he loved me more than her.

I don't want to feel bitter whenever I see him with his wife and soon his child. I don't want to continue to say that I wish I was in his wife's shoes (being the wife and having children with him).  I want to get over him forever. They say time heals wounds. I don't know how effective that is. I have prayed and prayed for God to help me get over him. 

Please do you have any advice or words of wisdom?  I need to know what to do to get over him in my heart and live a fulfilled life. I have come to a final conclusion that I can never have him ever since he got married and now having a child. I have accepted that reality.  But now, I want my heart to let go of him. I will keep praying for God to give me the strength to move on.

Dear Reader:

Do you see what a dishonorable man this is?  Why is he messing with you when he's married to someone else?  He would probably do the same thing to you if you married him; he'd flirt with other women. 

This is not a good man.  He's using you for his own satisfaction, to inflate his own ego, and doesn't care that he's being hurtful.  You are right to think you must let go of him.  Maybe you'll need to go to a different church to be rid of him.  Don't ride with him, don't talk to him, don't be friends with him.  You are addicted to this man, and it's preventing you from having real love in your life.  Get away from him and his wife, don't associate with him, don't talk to him.  Make  a clean break.  Use "How to Write a Love Letter" as an exercise. It's not a letter to send, but a letter to get out your feelings.  Then, read the article "Letting Go Takes Love" and the article "Where is Love?"    You are making yourself miserable by obsessing on this man.  You think you care more about him than you do about yourself.  That is backward.  Do whatever you have to do to let go.  Find a Codependents Anonymous meeting and go.  The people there will help you change your focus.  Please, don't let this go on any longer. 

It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  will show you how to be honest with yourself, which is the first step to developing an honest and trustworthy relationship with someone else.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on: It's a Dirty Job: Use the Silly Solution for a Healthy Relationship

Dr. Romance writes: Early in our marriage, after a difficult struggle between us, I gave my husband Richard a card. All over the front it said, "I love you," and inside it said, "It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it." That phrase has carried us through many difficult times since.

I read many articles about what happens "after the passion dies" in long-term relationships, and my clients frequently are worried about the same question. I believe what happens, when all goes well, is that a sense of humor sets in.

The burden of passion can be a heavy one. Having to rev up the energy for a passionate, heavy-breathing session making love after a hard day's work can be an appalling prospect. How much more inviting it is to be able to have a silly giggle session, complete with sexual play, with the dearest person I know. Suddenly, the heaviness and obligation are gone, and if I'm too tired to be passionate and alluring, I always seem to have the energy to "mess around".

Arguments are hard to have with a lovable three- year-old, which is what my husband can become at the drop of an accusation. He puts his hands on his hips, sticks out his chin, and (in a perfect imitation of a kid mimicking an angry parent) says, "Who did that?" He then points his finger at whatever offense (a messy table, a forgotten chore) I've lost my sense of humor about. Watching him, I can't hang on to my anger. After we laugh, then we can do something constructive about the problem.

P1ease understand that I'm speaking of humor, not irresponsibility. We are both adults, self-starters, business owners, and we have an equal, relatively balanced relationship. We hashed that in our first few years of marriage. We get angry with each other mostly out of irritability, exhaustion and frustration with our heavy schedules - not because either one of us is slacking off. Things don't get done at times because we have hectic lives, and hectic lives benefit greatly from a sense of humor.

It takes a certain amount of self-acceptance to create healthy humor, rather than the hurtful kind; but then again, this loving, shared laughter has also enhanced my degree of self-awareness. The paradox seems to be that having permission for childlike play also gives permission to be responsible and self-accepting. We don't make nasty jokes about each other and our love; we share a sense of humor about it, and it makes a big difference. We laugh together, and it feels good.

We have been together since 1981, and using gentle humor still works. We've been together longer than either of us has been with anyone else, and I don't feel in danger of being bored. I seem to easily run out of things to be passionate or dramatic about, but laughter never gets boring. It's also difficult to store up resentments against the person in my life who makes it easiest for me to laugh.

I find myself looking for ways to make Richard laugh; and the more I practice it, The better I get. He seems to  know my "laugh buttons" better, too. Could he be looking for them? I wouldn't be surprised.

So, rather than treasuring old grudges, old hurts, we treasure old jokes and funny lines. I know I can turn to Richard and say "it's a dirty job ..." and get an answering smile. I also know he understands when I say that phrase, that I love him, "warts and all." It's a good feeling.

There are times when an overwhelming feeling of warmth and caring flows over me, and many of those times are when I laugh with Richard. Humor seems to be the secret, at least for us, in both keeping our love fresh and alive, and in feeling confident that we will not lose our "specialness" to each other.

The more we learn about living together, The less we struggle, and the less we struggle, the more we laugh and play. In many years of counseling couples, I have learned that struggle is often used by families to structure time. As a partner in this relationship, I have learned that replacing the drama of struggle with the delight of humor can be a positive addiction; and a powerful solution for what to do with our time together.

The net result of all this is that I have become an advocate of the "silly solution", and it is working better than all the seriousness I used to think my relationships required. I wish for you a lighter step, daily laughter, and love that makes you smile.

Adapted from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I get upset that he hasn't been responding at all

Dear Dr. Romance,  
I just wanted to express to you how I thoroughly enjoyed your article about how there should be a tennis match type of communication. The guy I like hasn't been responding when he usually responds and though he's a busy professional, I get upset that he hasn't been responding at all.
 
I let a few days go by and have expressed to him how much I miss being intimate with him. Usually, he's so happy and responds immediately (he gets happy & excited), but now I really worry. I worry because I met him through my co-worker, which happens to be an ex-girlfriend of his and ever since I have stopped talking to her, he's stopped communicating with me. I sensed she was jealous because they are the same culture/nationality and she'd make a comment like "You should date within your culture" (which I think is very racist) 

Anyways, to make a long story short, I have not heard from in ages and my heart is in so much pain. I sent him 3 emails recently tonight and hope I can give him the space needed to respond appropriately.  I honestly love him, but I am so deprived of the affection and attention I used to get from him. I haven't heard from him since late June (we played phone tag) and am scared of losing him forever. Any specific advice??? How long should I give him to respond before completely losing hope? He said we'd get together once he got back from his vacation and I haven't heard from him since!
 
Thank you so much! I have been seeing a therapist trying to work things out on my own. I am a 29-yr-old young professional, cute, hard working, and go on many dates, but I just haven't felt any desire or attraction with any of the guys I've met and miss this person VERY MUCH. I'm so stressed I am getting zits on my face, which is rare. I can literally say that I am almost at a depression, because life just gets boring when you can't be with someone you truly like.
 
I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for everything and I hope I can learn some words of wisdom from you.

Dear Reader: 

I'm so glad you liked the article, and I hope you'll follow the advice.  Three e-mails in one night without a response?  That's not a tennis match approach at all.  That kind of neediness will surely drive someone away.  I don't think this man is interested in you, or he would be contacting you.  Please let him go.  You need to go find a partner who can actually care about you.  If you're interested in more articles, "Letting Go Takes Love"  will help you let go of this uncaring man, and "Where is Love?"   will show you how to get more friends and a new man who really cares about you. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  has the information and exercises you need to change your relationships and attract someone good for you.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Why Encourage Older Women to Date Younger Men?

Dear Dr. Romance :

After reading:  "Older Women, Younger Men Relationships" I feel compelled to write to you to express my disagreement.  Age difference is more than an "adolescent worry", unless the older partner is still an adolescent.  To say that life experience and emotional growth equalize is to say that life experience and emotional growth stop at twenty.
 
We have watched so called grown men embarrass themselves with this ridiculous practice for far too long.  Why should we now encourage women to do the same.
 
Dear Reader:
I appreciate your point of view.  I understand that it can be galling to see a large difference in ages in a couple, and especially for those who have been dumped in favor of a younger partner.  But, people have the right to their own choices, whether they're good choices or bad.  My concern is that the relationships be mutually desired, respectful and functional.  For more on successful dating, read my article "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences explains how couples can work with their differences to create healthy relationships despite social disapproval.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: This roller coaster of emotions has changed me.

Dear Dr. Romance:
My husband has always suffered from abandonment issues.  His mother & maternal grandmother were abusive and non-nurturing. They dangled the carrot of money as his reward but criticized him for everything about himself and cited the reason he helped them and loved them was for the money.  By the way, it was not a large sum. They told him he was stupid and worthless.  His father died when he was about 10. 

Fast forward, he acts like a pendulum. He has always been possessive of me. He is suspicious of his sister and generally all people.  He waffles between saying outrageous things and then gushing love.  The behavior has escalated over two years; he is 40 now.  He accuses me of continual affairs, he thinks I am involved with his best friend, he thinks I visit department stores because I have a secret desire for a black man. He wakes in the morning, very angry.  He accuses me of leaving during the night to have an affair. A day without the outrageous accusations is a day of rest.  (We are Caucasian and he dislikes black men).

I don't think I can take it anymore.  He needs constant compliments about his appearance.  He says he doesn't get the affection he needs from me and I am at fault for everything that is wrong in our relationship. He is a person that must be recognized for his accomplishments at work and complimented or he is unhappy.  He interprets things that co-workers or others say as criticisms. He usually doesn't last in a job long because of his misconceptions about the people in authority.

On the other hand, he is the person that people respond to because of his winning upbeat personality. He attracts many friends.  He is very outgoing. He has an over the top kind of outgoing personality. Some people find it off-putting.

I am also afraid of familial traits.  His maternal grandfather committed suicide and a fraternal uncle committed suicide.  His father drank and had affairs.

He is completely unreasonable with me! He verbally attacks me. In public he kisses me and tells me he loves me. He expresses love for our children in public and compliments them. I started dating him when I was seventeen and we married when I was 23. He says he can't share me with anyone. This roller coaster of emotions has changed me.  I have become guarded and withdrawn.

I am always aware of my behavior because of the fight it will generate when we are alone.  I am wary of him becoming worse as he ages and the effects on our two children. (daughter age 12, son age 9).  By the way, I have never had an affair and am a person who could be very content in our marriage if he could stop the craziness.  I could end this marriage now and move to a small apartment with my children for a calm and reasonable life. By the way, he is open to therapy because he thinks a therapist can tell me how to give him what he needs.   Is there hope?

Dear Reader:

It probably wouldn't help to go to therapy with him, because he'll only show his socially correct and pleasant side, and the therapist will not be able to get through to him.  He is severely damaged by his childhood, and that is only correctable if he sees it's a problem and chooses to get help. Going to therapy together because he thinks you need it isn't going to be effective. It would be helpful if you went by yourself to a counselor familiar with domestic violence and told the truth.

You are in a dangerous situation.  You have described a classic abuser, a violent and dangerous man.  You need to get away from him.  There is no hope if he doesn't get help for his uncontrolled rages, and he probably won't.  If you think you can protect yourself and your children you would be wise to end the marriage and move to a small apartment.  However I have doubts that he will leave you alone, and men like him typically escalate the violence when faced with loss of their families.  I suggest you take your children and go to a woman's shelter.  Call the Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for advice and help.  Please -- you are leaving yourself and your children in danger.  "Family Violence Q & A"  and "Emotional Abuse: What it is and What to do" will give you more information about how to protect yourself and your children. "Avoiding The Drama Triangle" and "What Is A Dysfunctional Relationship?" will help you see how the dysfunction in your relationship works.    No Cooperation? Solve it Yourself! will give you some strategies to use to help you solve the problem.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand his problems from childhood; as well as your reasons for accepting the bad treatment you're receiving.  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance asks: Are the Post-Holiday Blues getting you down?

Everyone is relieved when the holidays are over, and sometimes disappointed. If you're worn out, it's worth your while to take the time to recharge a little, and pamper yourself. 

Dr. Romance gives  4 Tips for handling Post-holiday blues

* If you are disappointed, and the holidays let you down in some way, process that first. Write in your journal, talk to an understanding friend or family member, and sort through your feelings. Understand what you were disappointed about, and what you're going to do to avoid that scenario in the future. (If Uncle Harry got drunk and ruined holiday dinner, consider not having booze) If the problem was a big one (your boyfriend left you, someone died, you got some terrible news over the holidays) then consider getting the help of a good therapist or support group: don't deal with tragic news alone.

* If you're just tired from all the celebration, cooking and preparation, consider pampering yourself. If you have the budget for it, take a spa day, or a night in a hotel. If the budget is shot, then get together with girlfriends and give each other manicures or makeovers. Set aside an evening with your hubby or boyfriend for massage, a DVD and popcorn, or just hanging out together, without all the company. Take a nap, a bubble bath, or a day off to do nothing. Picnic in the living room with your kids and pets.

* It's a new year: consider refreshing yourself with something different. Try a different hair color, new makeup, a new workout routine, or take some (inexpensive) dance lessons or pottery or art classes at your local Department of Parks and Recreation, Community College Adult School, or your church or Jewish Community Center.

* Have some simple fun. You just spent two months doing complicated things: working out family holidays, buying gifts, cooking, shopping and entertaining. Do something very easy that's fun for you. Take a bike ride along the beach or the river, read a new novel, watch your favorite comedy movie, hang out with your best friend for coffee, e-mail a funny YouTube video to your friends.

Above all, don't worry about feeling somewhat detached and disconnected; it will pass.  It will pass more quickly if you follow the previous steps.

Excerpted from: The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm married and I still can't forget about my first love

Dear Dr. Romance:

I don't even know where to start: I just did the most stupid thing alive!! I sent the man I can't forget a text message; and he did not reply. I don't think he wants to speak to me. He knows I'm married.

I was 20 years old when I fell in love with him. I was since puberty very shy about myself because I did not develop like any other teenager breast and up to this day have never got my periods. At the age of 22 I found out I could never get any children and that I was born intersexual. When I fell in love with this guy I feared men although I so much wanted to be loved. All my friends had boyfriends and I was always the odd one out. When my cousin hooked me up with him I was so scared of rejection when he feels that I barely have any breasts, but at that point I was already in love with him. You know I totally messed up my chances with him.

My feelings was overwhelming for him, when he was in my company I was so dumbstruck by his presence I could not even utter a word. My fear entirely took over and made me the most stuck up person alive in front of him. I'm funny. Loved by many; had so many friends. But when he entered the room I turned into this person I despised.

He was the first guy I ever kissed (at the age of 20) he was the first guy I allowed to touch me and he was the first guy I gave my heart to. But he was also the guy that could not commit to me. Up to this day I still don't know if he ever loved me or was really interested. After 4 years of trying my best to be near him I realized that I need to move on from all this pain.
 
10 years later I still think of him daily. I'm in my 30s, married 3 years and I still can't stop thinking about him. Am I obsessed about this man or is it true love? He was always so nice to me. He treated me with respect and never used me in any way. There was just something between me and him. I remember him as a very confident person and would make a lot of jokes when he was with a bunch of friends. But with me he was so different. Now I could see that he was actually very shy and little for words when I was around. To the outside world I was a very confident person and very successful in my work. I had my own car and at that stage he was unemployed. I never told him about my sexual issues and to him I was normal with no issues.

There was so much that happened. I could write a book. But one thing is for sure: I can't forget about him. My husband is very sweet and don't deserve this. But we are so different. I don't want to hurt him; but how can I stay with him when I constantly think of somebody else. He wont communicate with me while I am married. And if he ever felt anything for me is still an unanswered question.

My inter sexuality did not even affect me thus much. The saddest part of this whole ordeal is the fact he will never know the extend of my affection for him. How much pain I  experienced and that up to this day I still have feelings for him.

Dear Reader:

It sounds as if you have never let go of your first love, because loving him filled a fantasy and made you feel better about yourself.  You need to accept who you are, accept that your husband loves you, and let your first love go.  Continuing to stay focused in the past would be a disaster.  Create a little ceremony, where you destroy something, a picture, a letter or some little memento that symbolizes this first love.  Do your grieving, say goodbye, and put that in your past. Then focus on creating something good with your husband.  You can still have a nice life.  "Letting Go Takes Love" will help you through this, and "Getting Out of Your Own Way" will help you with self-esteem. Then focus on loving yourself.  "You Are a Gift" and "Your Bestest Friend - You" will help you recognize and develop your relationship to yourself.

It Ends with You: Grow up and out of Dysfunction helps you to resolve childhood pain and trauma, and reclaim your sense of self, so you can focus on rebuilding your life and your marriage.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com