Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: I am afraid if I tell him, it would affect our friendship

Dear Dr. Romance

Five months ago I started talking to a guy whom I had known at school many years ago. We are now adults. He is not married, both of us have never been married. We spent a weekend together just as old friends. Went walking, beach, dinner, share the same room.

We talk to each other from time to time but on general issues. We chat on the phone or online. He had dinner three times at my house.  He is a hard working person. Spends a lot of time at the office. I do want to have a relationship with him. But I am not sure if I should tell him how I feel. He knows that I am independent financially and have my own house...not sure if that may scare him.

He is a very decent and intelligent guy, and at my age I don't think I would find someone like him easily. But I am afraid if I tell him, then it would affect our friendship.  Any advice would be appreciated.

Dear Reader:

Yes, I think you should tell him, but in small bits, not all at once. Take your time, let the relationship build, and let him know how much you like spending time with him. Don't be too eager, give him a little space, make him come after you a little bit. Try reading my articles, "Guidelines for Successful Dating"; Dating: The Fine Art of “Squirrel Hunting” and "Guidelines for Relating With Love"  which will help you understand how the relationship is supposed to develop.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together has a lot of helpful exercises and information to teach you how to communicate intimately with someone.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

  

 

Dr. Romance on Less Talk, More Action

As a reader of this Dr. Romance blog, you know that I am always talking about the importance of good communication, urging better communication, and giving skills for being better understood. Communication is one of the most important aspects of relationships; positive and negative. However, talk is not necessarily communication; and there are lots of non-verbal ways to communicate.

Most of my clients waste a lot of time and energy, and develop resentment by making big announcements about things "If you don't start picking up your clothes, I'm going to send them to Good Will" "If you won't help me, I'll do it myself" “If I ever catch you cheating, I’ll leave” or the classic, "We need to go to counseling."

I am all for good communication, but if you've tried to communicate, and it's not working, it's time to adopt the Nike slogan and "Just Do It."

My beloved Richard loves to tell this story of his parents: His mom said to his Dad "Wouldn't it be nice to remove this wall and make the living room bigger?" His Dad just sort of grunted assent. When he came back to the house from working on the farm the next day, she had taken a sledgehammer and smashed a big hole in the wall, which meant they had to finish the job.

Richard likes to laugh about that, because it shows what a dynamo his mother was, and that she'd get done whatever needed doing. He also says he's careful what he says "yes" to, because he knows I'm going to follow up on it.

Whining, complaining, nagging and making snide comments are not the same as asking for what you want. Yelling, pouting, temper tantrums and hissy fits are also not effective communication. If you think your partner won't or can't work with you, these techniques are useless, and usually make the problem worse. Fighting about something over and over is an excellent indication that you’re not effectively communicating.

There’s an effective technique/skill that will work in these situations: Ask directly for what you want; then, if you’re not getting any cooperation, you can bypass all the struggle, hassle and arguing: Stop talking about it and just solve the problem.

This is probably the most powerful encouragement for your partner to join in and agree to negotiate, because he or she does not get to be part of the solution, and loses the power to stop or stall you. This is not done in a spirit of "OK, you won't negotiate, so I'll show you," but in a spirit of "I understand that you don't want discuss this, so I'll have to solve it for myself, as best I can. When you are ready to cooperate and negotiate, I'll be available." I have written about this before, as a technique called “solve it for yourself.” The emphasis here is on don’t keep talking about it; just solve it for yourself.

There are several benefits to this approach:

* It is liberating to assert yourself on your own behalf and to realize you don't have to have your partner's participation to be satisfied; yet you also don’t have to shut him or her out, or be unkind.

* You no longer have the problem you were concerned about.

* You can still have a good, loving, relationship, because you have shut your partner out (the option to negotiate is always open) and you aren't feeling frustrated, angry and deprived.

* It takes the pressure off your partner, and increases the likelihood that he or she will relax and be less defensive and more interested.

* It prevents you from being helpless and frustrated, so you are more able to welcome your partner's cooperation when he or she offers it.

The key to solving the problem instead of repeatedly talking about it is a belief that there is a satisfactory solution. Caring about your partner's wants and needs (as well as your own) is central to cooperation, but you cannot effectively meet your partner's needs without his or her help. When your partner refuses to help solve the problem, you have no choice but to focus on doing it alone until you get cooperation. As long as you offer every opportunity to cooperate and you extend an invitation to your partner to join you whenever he or she wishes, you are free to focus your attention on solving the problem for yourself. If you try to please your partner at your own expense, there is no chance for both of you to be satisfied. Once you’ve tried to cooperate without getting support, the best solution is a course of action that puts you in control of your well-being and separates you from the effect of your partner’s resistance.

The following steps ensure you can be sure you've given your partner ample opportunity to cooperate, and you're not overreacting.

Guidelines For Solving It Yourself

1. Be sure you've made a thorough attempt to negotiate. Don’t go to Solving it for Yourself until you’ve made an honest effort to engage your partner in negotiation – not just fighting.

2. Tell your partner what you are doing. State clearly that you have attempted to negotiate the problem, that your assessment is that your partner doesn't want to work on it, that you would prefer to work on it together, but that you've decided what you are going to do about it on your own. You might want to say you’re sad to have to do this, and you’re protecting what's good about the relationship. It’s very important to be able to do this calmly and definitely.

3. Invite your partner to negotiate at any time. Say that you are going to follow your own solution, but that you are open to discussing it at any time. This is your open invitation to negotiate, which keeps it from becoming become a power play.

4. Communicate your good will. Let your partner know that you value him or her and the partnership, and you don't like having to make unilateral decisions, but you feel you have no choice, because your partner won’t work on it with you.

5. Be sure your solution solves the problem for you, even if you think your partner may not like it. If the solution works for both of you, the problem is solved, and needs no further discussion. if your partner is not satisfied with your solution, he or she has already been invited to negotiate, and being left out is a powerful incentive. To get a different perspective, imagine what you would do about the problem if your partner weren't part of it. What would you do if your best friend were involved? Considering a relationship problem from the vantage point of a single person often points out places where you're being needlessly dependent.

Hopefully, you will seldom need to solve a problem without your partner's cooperation, but knowing you can solve the problem for yourself and still leave the door open to your partner's participation means you can remain calm and gentle in the face of a partner's reluctance to cooperate. You don’t have to wait for a reluctant partner to do it with you, as long as you let your partner know what you’re doing in advance.

This will certainly be better for your relationship than feeling frustrated, angry and taken advantage of. These skills create an atmosphere of cooperation between people, and lead to negotiation that satisfies everyone involved.

For more on this: How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: "a lack of empathy that excludes intimacy"

Dear Dr. Romance:

 What I have read on your site is interesting - may I ask you to comment on one point?
 
In his book 'Shyness' Philip Zimbardo states " It is as if the ego were set adrift in a paper boat, aware that a storm is brewing just over the horizon." Therefore we have the 'dread' that non-shys don't feel and don't understand but try to help with compliments etc - which are nice but useless. This 'dread' is an internal abyss unseen and unseeable and inexplicable to non-shys whose childhood was different - we, the truly shy feel the terror of absence of ego and the anarchy of the Id as well as the overpowering judgements of the superego. We have a lack of empathy that excludes intimacy and dictates a lifetime of superficial living.
 
I would be grateful if you could respond. 

Dear Reader:
What your author describes, I call autophobia: the fear of self. Unfortunately, when you're afraid  of your own feelings and thoughts you also become afraid of others and their response to you, so you're trapped. "Resolving Inner Anarchy,"  "Your Bestest Friend - You" , "Do You Understand Emotional Intelligence", and Your Inner Detective will help you understand this issue more fully.   It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  is very helpful for understanding and overcoming autophobia.  My newest book, 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth is a prompt-and-response recreation of how I help people with problems like yours.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I've had almost 200 dates, what am I doing wrong?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been dating on the Internet for three years, and I've had almost 200 dates. The problem is that I hardly ever get a second date. I'm also finding that every guy I go out with has no interest in me at all, even friendship. I am confused because I am successful, attractive, outgoing, and very easygoing. I try to make my date feel comfortable with conversation and I ask questions about him. I like to at least make them laugh. I've even had a friend go to the same restaurant and sit behind me and see if they could figure out what I might be doing wrong. 

Dear Reader:

I doubt if you're doing anything wrong, per se. It's probably more a case of mistaken identity. It  interests me that you'd say guys you go out with have no interest in you at all; do you mean they're only interested in sex? They must have something in mind to go out in the first place. There are several possibilities here; perhaps your profile doesn't reflect what the man finds when he actually meets you. Or, perhaps you're expecting too much from the first date, and your disappointment shows. Or, maybe you put too much emphasis on wanting a relationship, and scare them off. Here's a thought: instead of going out on the traditional date, invite the next man to go along with you and some of your friends to lunch or a movie, a sporting event or even an art gallery or museum. The group energy will take the pressure off dating, and give you a chance to get to see each other interact with other people. 

"Getting to Yes" ; Dating: The Fine Art of “Squirrel Hunting”; and "Turn on Your Charm"  will give you a different perspective on dating, and help you check out your interaction with your new dates, and Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today can show you other ways to make dating fun, successful and safe.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Will an online date app lead to marriage?

Dear Dr. Romance:

How realistic is it for a woman over 40 to expect an online date app to lead to marriage? --
 

Dear Reader:

 It's not realistic for anyone to expect an online date app will lead to marriage, but if you know what you're doing, it is possible to find a spouse via dating someone you met online. Just keep in mind that it's a big, anonymous world, and get to know your potential date face-to-face as soon as possible. Understand that it will take a few months just to find out if the person you're dating has real potential. Go slowly -- it takes time to develop a healthy relationship.

While you're figuring that out, try not to get caught up in the excitement of it all, and keep your wits about you. Pay attention to what your new friend is saying about himself, how well he hears what you are saying, and look for clues to character. Your job in the dating game is to figure out if the other person is the right kind of person for you. Watch for clues about how he handles money, whether the two of you can disagree and work it out, and, if he has to be right about everything... find someone else!

Dr. Romance's 3 tips for finding new love

For a while after a relationship ends, you may not feel like considering a new relationship, which is probably good. Jumping right from one relationship to another usually doesn't work. A relationship that follows too quickly is called a 'rebound' relationship because it's often a bad choice. Because you haven't had enough time to process your feelings, or to learn from your mistakes, your judgment will be off.

Once you have had some time to recover, however, the following tips will help you to find a successful new love.

1. Get a life: Even before you're ready to risk a new relationship, you can begin to get out and do things that interest you. Make your life as fun and social as you can without a relationship. Create a social network by joining groups who are doing things that interest you. If your life is full of activities you really enjoy, you'll be more successful at finding a successful relationship.

2. Look for friends: Looking for love is a big waste of time: singles' activities, online dating sites and bars are all riddled with problems, and take you in the wrong direction. Now that you've developed a life full of social connections, seek to make friends. You'll get to know all kinds of people, and out of these people someone will soon stand out, and you'll have the advantage of already knowing each other before you decide you want to date.

3. Pay attention: Meeting your new love by making friends who share the same interests gives you a great opportunity to observe the character of the person before you declare your interest. 

 "Dating; The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" and "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will take you through the basic steps of dating. "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" and "Is Dating Scary? Here’s what to do" will show you how to be safe and find a good guy to date.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today contains information and exercises that will help you find out who your date really is, and whether you can make it together.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance's Fair Fight Guidelines

Dr. Romance writes:

Forty five years of marriage counseling and forty years of a second marriage have convinced me that fights are not necessary in a marriage.  Married couples need to have discussions, they need to solve problems, and sometimes they need to disagree, but they don’t need to squabble, argue, bicker or fight.  Fights are dramatic, which is not helpful to a discussion. If you have enough energy to create drama, you have more than enough to tone it down into a discussion.  However, because social expectations and mythology are so strong, many of my clients want guidelines for “fighting fair.” I’ve developed a set of Fair Fight Guidelines you may find helpful.

Fair Fight Guidelines

If you feel a fight is unavoidable, you can still find a win-win resolution if you follow these guidelines.

*Remember the point of the fight is to reach a solution, not to win, be right, or make your partner wrong.    

*Don't try to mind read. Ask instead what he or she is thinking.

*Don’t bring up all the prior problems that relate to this one. Leave the past in the past; keep this about one recent problem. Solve one thing at a time.

*Keep the process simple. State the problem, suggest some alternatives, and choose a solution together.

*Don't talk too much at once.  Keep your statements to two or three sentences.  Your partner will not be able to grasp more than that.

*Give your partner a chance to respond and to suggest options.

*Practice equality.  If something is important enough to one of you, it will inevitably be important to both of you, so honor your partner’s need to solve a problem.

*Ask and Answer questions directly. Again, keep it as simple as possible. Let your partner know you hear him or her.

*State your problem as a request, not a demand. To make it a positive request, use “I messages” and “please”.

*Don’t use power struggle tactics: guilt and obligation, threats and emotional blackmail, courtroom logic: peacekeeping, sacrificing, or hammering away are off limits.

*Know your facts:  If you’re going to fight for something, know the facts about the problem:  Do research, find out what options are available, and know how you feel and what would solve the problem for you. 

*Ask for changes in behavior, don’t criticize character, ethics or morals. 

*Don’t fight over who’s right or wrong.  Opinions are opinions, and that won’t solve the problem.  Instead, focus on what will work.

*Ask your partner if he or she has anything to add to the discussion. "Is there anything else we need to discuss now?"

*Don’t guess what your partner is thinking or feeling.  Instead, ask.  “What do you think?” Or “How do you feel about it?”

*Hold hands, look at each other, and remember you’re partners.

*If you’re angry, express it calmly.  “I’m angry about ……” There’s no need for drama, and it won’t get you what you want. Anger is satisfied by being acknowledged, and by creating change.  Anger is a normal emotion – rage is phony, it’s drama created by not taking care of yourself.

*Acknowledged and honor your partner’s feelings – don’t deflect them, laugh at them or freak out.  They’re only feelings, and they subside when respected, heard and honored.  *Listen with your whole self.  Paraphrase what your partner says; check to see if you understand by repeating what is said. “So you are angry because you think I ignored you. Is that right?”

*No personal attacks or criticism. Focus on solving the problem.

*If you want to let off steam (vent), ask permission or take a time out.  Handle your excess emotion or energy by being active (run, walk, hit a pillow,) writing, or talking to someone who is not part of the problem. Don’t direct it personally at anyone. You can’t vent and solve problems at the same time. 

*Don’t try to solve a problem if you’re impaired: tired, hungry, drunk or unstable.

*Surrender to your responsibility.  When you become aware that you have made a mistake, admit it and apologize. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Excerpted from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Marriage (2nd Edition)

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I think you are really on to something

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read your article "Emotions as Weather". I'm glad to hear someone is talking about this subject out there. I began noticing this phenomenon when I started living communally. Feelings would chase around a room much in the same way a yawn might migrate around a commuter bus in the morning.

We have, particularly in western culture, a way of overemphasizing the boundaries of individuality. There really is a balance in life to be struck between existence and connection. Concieving of emotions as weather patterns takes much of the burden (dare i say 'wind') out of overpersonalizing feelings. One can be angry or going through some anger.

I have become a professional investor and in so doing, have learned how important it is to be able to observe the emotions driving markets and myself. I have suffered greatly as many do watching charts, not knowing why I was feeling so strongly about this or that stock. In the beginning I got quite sick to my stomach actually. Now what I ask myself is 'am I in synch with what others are feeling out there right now?' Sometimes just listening to my stomach is all I need to do to realize I am giving too much power to uncontrollable events. I've developed strategies based on a mistrust of my own sense of paranoia and overconfidence. I have created communities on online contests (including my own), in order to participate in the greater experience of the weather. My results are simply incredible.

We are in different fields, but I think you are really on to something and should pursue it diligently. There is a spiritual basis there that may still be undiscovered.

Dear Reader:

Thanks for your insight.  I'm happy to get your thoughtful response.  It sounds as if you're learning to ride the ups and downs of the market, which is a great skill to have these days.  We are indeed thinking along the same lines. "Attitude Adjustment"; "Autonomy vs Dependency;"  "Weaving the Web" and "Creating Connections: Draw Them In"  and , It Ends With You: Grow up and Out of Dysfunction will all help you understand more about emotional ups and downs and how to understand what motivates people.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: The parents are the problem

Dear Dr. Romance:

Wow! I was going to check my mail and "Age Differences in Dating" popped up.  I am dating a younger guy, he pursued me. after first I had doubts about us talking because of our age difference but he kept on insisting that age was just a number. But then came to find out his father is my boss.   I told him it would be best if he told his dad about us instead of hearing it from other people. We both work for the same company.  He  sat down and talked to his dad about me and because of our age difference he stopped seeing me.  6 months later after going thru ups and downs of missing him and seeing him at work he paged me asking me was I going to keep ignoring him and not speaking  so behind his parents' back we are still seeing each other.

I know he has a lot to deal with at home his mom  bipolar.  I been with him for a long time now dealing with all of his mood swings. I even suggested maybe he needs to explore or be with other women his age but he said no. I offered to give him space he even said no to that. I wish we can spend more time together and go out more but now his parents question his whereabouts.  I don't know what to do. My feelings for him have grown to loving him and being patient with our situation.  We don't want to call it off. Can you please help me out?

I would like for his parents to accept our relationship but they are not aware that he chose to keep seeing me without them knowing. We have agreed to take our relationship slow and take it day by day.

Dear Reader:

It sounds as if you two are doing OK, it's the parents that are a problem.  You haven't told me his  age or yours, but as long as he is an adult, I don't think his parents have a right to interfere.  I recommend that you stop worrying and just enjoy what you have, for as long as you have it. 

If  his dad is your boss, then you're jeopardizing your job, so why not find another job, so you can date openly?  Try not to create any extra drama with his parents. In my experience, once they know they can't change their son's decision, the parents will most likely come around.   "Coping with Critics" will help you learn to deal with his parents and others who disapprove.  "Creating Family Acceptance" shows both of you how to connect with his family.   "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship?" helps you keep your relationship healthy.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  contains exercises and information that will help your partner and you understand better why he has trouble standing up for himself and you.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will help you create a loving relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: He has hurt me deep inside me

Dear Dr. Romance,

I feel really depressed I can't forget this man, he is always in my mind, I've tried everything, it seems it's useless because he is always there! when I think about him, tears come from my eyes, and I can't help it :(

He has hurt me deep inside me, 2 months ago, I've text him telling him that I wanted attention from him and he cursed at me, it was really awful, he told me  " u think that the earth revolves around you? f***k, don't call me again!)  he knows that I love him but he doesn't want to give no chance at all . I've tried my best and he wouldn't make any effort for that reason.

I don't deserve this kind of treatment specially from him, I don't know what's wrong with him... maybe it's my fault?  Most of the time I say, that he ain't good for any kind of relationship, and that I deserve someone better, but then good memories come back and I become depressed it's like a vicious circle, I want to be able to make changes, to forget him, to live again, there are so many fish out there, hahaha Anyway since 2 months I cut any kind of relation with him, I've even change my number so he doesn't call me back, he knows where I work thought I hope he never appears into my job. I don't think he will.

Dear Reader:

I think you already know what I'm going to say.  This man is not interested in you.  Loving him is not enough, and it's not good for you.  He's been very clear; and I'm glad you've cut off any contact. You are obsessed with him, but obsession is not the same as love.   "Letting Go Takes Love" and "You Be the Judge" will help you revise your idea of what love is.   No one is going to love you because you suffer.  Instead, you need to learn to love yourself more, and treat yourself with more respect.  Then, someone will be able to love you.  Yes, there are many fish out there, but as long as you are fixated on this man, you won't see them.  Have a "letting go" ceremony.  Burn a picture of Jason, and say goodbye.

Build a life as a single woman, and put your energy there.  When you have created a support network of friends, your new, true love will come from that.   

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  will teach you more about independence and taking care of yourself.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will show you how to find a healthy relationship.

  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Aspects of Love

Ah, love!  writes Dr. Romance, What rapturous, torturous words have been set down to try and capture the essence of love.  Those clever Greeks, who invented the Olympics, and the Romans, who invented Senators,  also invented many names for love: Cupid, Eros, Venus, Aphrodite; and each name represented an aspect of love. The ancient Greeks had several words for several categories of love: they did not attempt to squeeze all of it into four little letters!  Eros was erotic or sexual love; Philos was brotherly love; Agape was altruistic, spiritual love.  The Latin poet Ovid spoke of amor ludens, or playful love: love as a game.

 

Having separate categories like these can be very helpful in thinking and talking about how we love.  In modern times, we speak of romantic love, mature love, parental love, innocent childlike love, friendship, and even intellectual love.  And why not  circumstantial love for those we become fond of because we're thrown together at work or some other activity; even though the relationship or friendship doesn't last once the circumstance changes?  A shipboard romance might be in that category.

 

Many of my clients could use some handy way to think and communicate about all the differences in the ways they love:

 

"I love her, but I'm not in love with her,” a client of mine agonized.  “But she's a wonderful person, I don't want to hurt her; I don't want to lose her friendship," Until he tells her the truth about how he feels, they’ll both be stuck in a very uncomfortable situation.

 

"I love Vince, we've been together a long time, but I'm not excited about him anymore,” sighs a young woman, “I'm not sure I still want to be lovers."  Until she talks about her boredom, Vince won’t have a chance to make any changes.  The longer she waits, the harder it will be to improve the relationship.

 

"I love my mother,” muses another client, “but I don't like her very much."  Mother may never need to know this, but the client needs to have a talk with himself about how to resolve his ambivalence and develop a workable relationship with his mom.  It’s time for the old relationship to change.

 

"I know he likes me, but does he like me?” worries another young woman.  “I mean, does he love me: is he in love with me?"   She’ll remain unrequited and unsure until she gathers enough courage to ask him directly.

 

Many clients ask me, "How will I know if I'm in love?"  Ask ten people what love is, you'll get ten different answers.  Ask those same people how they want to be loved; and each one will want something unique. One wants to be given space, another wants constant companionship.  To be held and touched sounds great to some, smothering to others.  There is no way we can know how to love each other without communicating about it.

 

Love's home is the heart, and love is not limited to one type or expression.  There is plenty to go around, and the more of it we share, the more we have.  As the song says, “Love isn't love 'til you give it away.”  You have to let someone know how you feel if you want your love to be returned.  Yes, it’s a risk, but I think it’s even riskier not to express your feelings.

 

To find out what love is, you must ask your heart, which always knows when you feel abused, and when you are too demanding.  You may not like the answer, but you can recognize it for the truth.  When I listen to my heart, I can stop worrying, because my heart is surprisingly in tune with one of the world's oldest definitions of love: “Love is patient and kind; love is neither jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude;” wrote St.  Paul. “Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right."  Whether I'm receiving love or giving it, the real thing fits that description.  The interesting thing is, when I give love away instead of hoarding it, I always seem to receive more than I can possibly give. 

 

Try feeling the love in your heart, and once you’re clear on what aspect of love you feel in a given situation, you can begin to communicate it.  If you want to learn more about what is scary about love, read "10 Reasons For Not Falling in Love." "Keys to a Happy Relationship" and Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences) will help you understand how love works for you.

 

(c) 2023 (Adapted from Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences)

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: He's extremely jealous

Dear Dr. Romance:   

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 10 months now. We have a really close relationship and have already made promises about moving in with each other next year, getting married and having children. The problem is that sometimes i feel like i couldn't be with him for the rest of my life. He's extremely jealous, has a really short temper, If I don't spend enough time in a day with him he gets extremely upset and if I go out he gets angry because he's also extremely insecure. When he acts like this I don't call him for a couple of hours and eventually he calls me and acts like I did something wrong. Then finally he acts like it never happened.  I really love him I really do I just want to know if this love is worth dealing with these behaviors forever. 

Dear Reader:

You're right to worry.  Your boyfriend is emotionally immature, and cannot control his anger and jealousy.   This is the pattern of a stalker, and possibly even a violent man, if he doesn't get help to get his anger under control.   

These are the signs of emotional blackmail:
1. A demand.  He won’t take “no” for an answer, and requests are really demands.
2. Resistance.  When every discussion turns into an argument.
3. Pressure.  He pressures you to go along.
4. Threats.  He uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to end the relationship, tears, rage, badgering.

He's trying to control you with temper tantrums.  The more control he gets (for example, when you live together, get married, and have children,) the worse his tantrums will get.  He's not doing it on purpose, he's out of control -- which is far more dangerous.  Talking to him won't persuade him to change.  You're in grave danger of being abused, and so will your children be.  You need to insist that he get himself into an anger management program BEFORE you move in with him, marry him, or have children with him.  Otherwise, you'll be a prisoner in your own house.  You've seen all the stories on the news about men who are charming and sweet in public, or when they want something, and then rageful and abusive when you're alone with them.  Don't fall for his charming side -- make sure he gets help.
You cannot help him.  Go to the National Domestic Violence Hotline Website  and read the information.  You can find help for yourself and for him there.

I'm so glad you're thinking about this -- please don't fall into this trap. Read "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship"   "Setting Boundaries and Saying No"  and "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" Get help for yourself, whether your boyfriend wants to go or not. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Ed will teach you how to create a safe and fulfilling relationship with a more caring person.

    

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Today I feel I'm losing my mind

Dear Dr. Romance:

Today I feel I'm losing my mind.

I'm in my mid-forties, from an upper class family. A few years ago, my father passed away suddenly, and at the same time I was  separated from my husband. Several months  after my Dad died I was divorced. No children. I  wanted the divorce. Two years later, I met my current boyfriend. He is a racial mix of black white and  a little Native American. Our relationship was very rocky the first year. Now things are better with us but my Mother is making me feel  terrible because of the racial differences and she utilizes every opportunity to scare me. She says that if I marry him and we have a child, it will be a black child no matter what; even if it looks white white white it will STILL be black, and she will feel sorry for the child, and that child will never fit in anywhere, and I am being selfish. On top of this, I'm still not sure my boyfriend is right for me. I love him and care about him but am not sure anymore if I want to marry him. He  has rented out his condo and is now living with me so I feel "stuck."

I'm also feeling guilty for divorcing my ex-husband. He and I are very good friends; we almost have a sibling-type relationship. I am more comfortable with him then with my boyfriend  and he is much easier to get along with then my boyfriend. But my marriage was passionless (on his part) and we had many financial difficulties.

The reason I'm writing to you is I give up on trying to come to a decision on my own. It seems that ever since my Dad died I have not made one good decision; actually I haven't made any decisions, I seem to just let life happen. I'm out  of control.  I think I need to find a therapist who knows the  difficulties of interracial relationships.

Dear Reader:

I'm glad you're seeking counseling -- it's important for you to know your own mind before you make any more important decisions.  Sex feels great, I know, but it is definitely not enough to carry a relationship.  Your mother's concern is partly bigotry, and partly truth.  Depending on your community's standards, and the racial mix there, your children may indeed feel isolated and experience problems.  In a racially mixed community, they would probably fit right in and have an easier time. 

It is not the racial mix that concerns me, but the fact that you don't seem to get along very well.  This is the point at which things should be smooth and easy in your relationship.  Once you marry, have children and share family expenses, the pressure  factor goes up.  You don't mention how well the two of you are doing financially, but it sounds as if you're doing OK, so the biggest problem is how you get along.  You'll never be comfortable or happy in any marriage until you gain more self-esteem, so you can stand up for yourself and meet your partner as an equal.  There should be no reason to feel  "stuck" with someone you don't want to be with, or to marry him if you're not sure.  I agree that finding a counselor is a good idea -- not only for this relationship, but also for your grief about your father. 

The best way to find a counselor who is racially aware is to find someone who works in an ethnically mixed area, that person should know about your issues.  Read "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  to search for one, and "Stupid Cupid" for help in figuring out if this relationship has what it takes.  My books, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together  and How to Be a Couple and Still be Free will teach you interracial relationship skills, including problem solving and communication.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I feel very unfairly treated

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am still devastated, trying to understand what happened to my boyfriend. I met him in June at a party (he was the brother of a close friend of mine); a month later we met I had to depart for 3 months abroad for professional reasons, but we developed a very close relationship during the month we dated, he introduced me to his parents, we spent a lot of time together and he expressed his desire to wait for this time and even he said we would meet before my return for two weeks on holiday. He talked about future, family...and that he loved me. During the three months I was away he phoned me three times a week and we dialogued via email daily like a normal couple. During all these months, he was always loving and caring. I fully trusted him.

Two weeks before our meeting (two months and a half later) he asked me to book a flight to meet up for a holiday (just about the end of my stay abroad). A week before meeting him, he phoned saying that he did not wish to meet up, that he had been deluding himself (two days before this call, he was saying how much he missed me and was longing to be  together). I was shocked and devastated at such a sudden and unexpected reaction, I could not understand what had so suddenly happened to him, I was left with a ticket to be thrown away, without much explanations, he never came after my return to apologies or give me a proper explanation; instead he basically said 'it was unfortunate that I had to leave when I did, still that's life'. It was not only abandoned in such an unacceptable and insensitive way, but his words reveal I was the one to be blamed if the relationship did not survive as I was the one who initially left (Now he has left me with this feeling that I should have never left, even if that meant to sacrifice a professional achievement). I have been trying to understand what had truly happened, but I cannot reach a logical explanation; his brother never helped me to understand what had really happened, after my return he never mentioned anything regarding his brother and me, his attitude was like his brother and I would have never met. I asked him for an explanation, but he was rather defensive, and he said he did not know anything, (but I know they are close). I would sincerely appreciate if you can shed some clarity and objectivity on this, as I feel very unfairly treated and deeply saddened to move on in peace; it is beyond my rational understanding what really happened to my boyfriend in such a sudden way. Many thanks for your attention and time.

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry this happened to you -- I know how disturbing it can be, to be cut off without a word like that. However, you need to consider this a benefit -- you have been saved from being committed to a selfish, inconsiderate and uncommunicative partner.

Your relationship never really had a chance, because it progressed too fast to develop an infrastructure: the trust, teamwork and basic necessities for building a relationship. In the future, you can avoid being so hurt by going much slower, taking enough time to find out if your prospective partner is trustworthy. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you avoid falling into this trap again.

Please don't waste any more time trying to get answers from this man and his brother. There are no truthful answers you can get. Either he got cold feet, he didn't mean what you thought, or he's met someone else. The answer you have gotten is that he's not a good candidate for a commitment; with you or anyone else.

Accept it, grieve, "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" will help you move on; next time, more cautiously, and you'll be more successful.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance on Getting Along With Each Other

Dr. Romance reflects:

One of the things I'm very grateful for in my life is the opportunities I have had to travel and see the world.  When I see a world in turmoil: earthquakes, war, terrorism, famine, political upheaval, inflation, human rights violations: I think not of the governments, but of the people, who are just trying to get through their day. 

In 1998, Richard and I had a marvelous opportunity to sail around the world as the ballroom dance teachers on the Crystal Symphony cruise ship. Many of the places we saw then, such as Oman, Jordan, Turkey, Morocco, Indonesia and Israel are in turmoil now, and not as safe for tourists. Several years ago, when Palestinian soldiers took refuge in the Church of the Nativity at Bethlehem and were under siege, I marveled that I had stood where they were, and I could picture the place as the news reports came in. Even when I was there, Israel and Palestine were struggling, as they have been since Israel was formed.

When we docked in Haifa, Israel, we had only one day, so my Jewish friends, Murray and Sylvia (who had been there before) and I hired a cab driver who drove us through the entire length of Israel, to see as much as we could in twelve hours. Getting to Bethlehem was a lesson in world peace, and I want to share it with you, from my travel notes: After the long drive back from the Dead Sea, we reach the ancient walls of the Old City in Jerusalem, and pass right through the old city to go to Bethlehem, just to the south. All along the way, there is evidence of the constantly changing borders. A barbed-wire and chain link fence marks the border for many miles, and on either side of it can be seen buildings with Hebrew signs on the Palestinian side, and Arabic lettering on the Israeli side, indicating that the land has changed ownership many times. Back and forth, back and forth, the fence moves, as various skirmishes change the borders. Bethlehem is now under Palestinian rule since the peace accord four years ago, so our driver feels it is not safe for us to enter in an Israeli taxi -- he has phoned across the border and arranged with friends for a Palestinian car and driver to take us in.

Changing cabs makes the tension of these places palpable. Our driver stops at the Palestinian border and instructs us to walk across. We feel like characters in a spy movie as we walk between the crude guard shacks on the Israeli side -- which are manned by guards cradling automatic rifles -- walk across the no-man’s-land in the middle, and then between the equally crude guard posts and the equally well-armed Palestinian guards, and no one seems to pay any attention to us – they stare right through us. Our friendly Palestinian driver, in his Arabic- marked taxi, greets us on the other side. We breathe again.

Bethlehem and the Church of the Nativity are just three miles away, so we’re there in a few minutes. As the driver chatters to us in quite serviceable English, we begin to relax. The friendliness of the two drivers, citizens of warring nations, points out that even when political situations are uncomfortable, people can find ways to work together. These drivers are not hostile toward each other, they are helping each other (and us) out. Later, we find out that many cab drivers would not take their passengers into Bethlehem-- only ours arranged the switch.

The Church of the Nativity turns out to be three churches in one: A Palestinian Christian church, a Greek Orthodox, and a Catholic church -- all 3 buildings are side by side, sharing a courtyard and some walls, and we walk through each one to get to the next. The oldest church is the Palestinian Church of the Nativity, originally built in 400 AD. We enter through a door build deliberately low, so one has to bow in respect to come in. The floor we stand on now was built in 600 AD, after the first church was destroyed, but it has a trap door in it, through which we can look down and see the original mosaic floor, about 3 feet below. The priests have a quiet pride, and an obvious awareness of the sacred ground they walk on and care for.

The church is built in the traditional cross shape, with a high ceiling from which long chains hang with a cut brass oil lamps on each one. Perhaps there are 50 of these lovely lamps, all lit, and each one different. The designs cut into the metal allow the light to project the cut-out shapes onto the walls – diamonds, moons, stars. What a glorious sight people have reverently experienced for 2500 years! To one side is a door to a stairway leading down to a room draped in silks. On the left as you enter is a niche that appears to be a fireplace, but turns out to be the spot where Jesus was born. An ornate, 13-pointed star is set in the floor on the very spot, surrounded by oil lamps. The 13 points represent the generations between David and Jesus, the number of disciples at the last supper, and the stations of the cross.

On the opposite side of the room is the stone manger where the baby was laid after birth. At one end are candles. It is a powerful sight -- all the centuries of veneration have left their energy in this room. My father was Catholic, and I have lit candles in his memory in churches all over the world, but lighting the candle at the manger was a special moment for me. When I saw the votive candles in the room, I asked where I could buy one, and our guide said the priest would get me one. The priest was almost as ancient as the room, and with almost audible creaking, he slowly brought me a candle, which I then lighted and placed with the other candles at the end of the manger. This simple ritual, followed for centuries, moved me to tears.

When we left the scene of the Nativity, we walked through the Greek Orthodox and Catholic Churches, both of which are beautiful, and back out into the courtyard.

After taking a taxi back to the border, we changed into our Israeli taxi again. Off we sped back to Jerusalem. The afternoon was fading fast. We rushed to Old Jerusalem, and visited the Cardo, an ancient Roman marketplace surrounded by a more modern shopping area.

Then we are at the Western Wall (known as the Wailing Wall) - the only remnant of an ancient temple, which the Jews venerate, and where they come to pray. The wall is divided into two sides, one for men, one for women, so Sylvia and I went to the right, and Murray went to the left. It was Murray’s birthday, and the anniversary of his mother’s death, and this was his main reason for coming back to Israel. To pray at the wall. Everywhere along the wall were men and women davening, or rocking back and forth while praying. Most of the men were dressed in the long black coats and black hats of the Orthodox Jews, and a lot of the women were also in long black costumes. It is said if you write a request on a bit of paper, and tuck it into a crack in the wall, it will be granted. As we got closer, we could hear the women murmuring, and one was crying. Again we were struck by the continuity of centuries.

The history of these places, the millennia of human existence, the prayers, grief, fears, hopes and dreams of people who are simply trying to feed their families and live a peaceful life, rises around us like a mist of human strength and survival. Our taxi drivers, both Palestinian and Israeli, are family men, as mystified about why they’re at war as we in America are about why the world can’t live in peace. They have no need to fight each other for land or for oil rights, or for religious supremacy. They need to feed their families, to care for their wives and children, and to try to leave a legacy for their descendants. So, despite what their countries are doing to each other-- despite the soldiers, the political parties, the suicide bombers, the guns and the borders -- they work together to earn a day’s wage. They are proud of their part of the world – the Moslem, Jewish and Christian holy sites, and they view it all as belonging to all of them – only the fanatics, religious and/or political, want to possess it. These men, like you and me, want just their small part – enough to be comfortable, and to keep their families healthy. There is enough to feed and clothe everyone in this world.

The late peace warrior Danaan Parry wrote: "The energy that we use to create war is the energy we need to make real peace.

"That's the courageous act that the warrior must do -- to find a way to relate to the person on the other side of the closed-off valve, so that together we can twist that valve from both sides and open it back up again.

"The new warrior is in a precarious position, because he or she says, "I am going to show myself and the rest of my tribe that... darkness exists within each one of us, and I will demand that we have the courage to look at it." So using the word "warrior" really has some meaning, because warriors have to have the courage to put up with some pretty heavy flak from their own people. We are asking our own people to grow and not to project."

I pray that we all learn to live in peace, even in the midst of wars we don’t understand. I pray that we don’t accept the idea that other humans are our enemies by virtue of their race, nation or creed. I pray that we learn to work together, no matter what our governments insist on telling us. I pray for peace, within ourselves, within our families, within the world. And like Tiny Tim, I pray: "God bless us, every one."

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I love my son and this is killing me

Dear Dr. Romance:

   I just read your "Age Differences in Dating". I would like your take on a situation and hope you will have time to reply. My son is a bright guy with a good job. he has lead a pretty uneventful sheltered life - he has 4 years of college has had 2 serious girlfriends - one short term one long term. He really has not had many " life experiences" He has always been hesitant to do new things.

Now he met a women at work who is 14 years older, and has her masters and a good position in the company. To be honest without any other issues I would be wary but could probably get beyond the age factor if they were good together. However she also comes with a divorce, followed by a second marriage.

Her second husband was bipolar and committed suicide. She has 2 grade-school age boys. They had only been dating a couple of months when he started " sleeping over" about 4 nights/week. I consider myself a pretty open minded person. (he is one of 2 sons and my younger son has lived with a girlfriend which I was ok with) I don't think I am "old fashioned" as he tells me!

I have major problems with this relationship - first with all her life experiences how can they be on the same page. Second I have a huge problem in how she has been as a mother. How can anyone think it is possibly ok to bring around a guy to sleep over after what those kids have been through let alone someone his age. I have major concerns about her character and judgment. I love my son and this is killing me.

Normally my mode with both boys is to stay out of their love lives. We have both aired our views on this to one another and have agreed to disagree. As imperfect as this is we have tried to maintain a relationship and leave her out of it. Its not working too well.

My husband and I encouraged him to move into his own place (which he did) as part of the growing up process and frankly so we didn't have to be aware of all his comings and goings. We were glad he did not move in with her. I really think because he has always been " scared on new experiences - this is " safe " for him. Women his own age are still trying to figure life out and that to him is probably unsettling. This has been going on for a year. very unlike me - I have not been able to meet her for fear that I would scratch her eyeballs out! I have never written a letter like this - but I am beside myself. Thanks for the chance to vent and hopefully get your perspective Help!

Dear Reader:

I certainly understand your concern, but your son is an adult, and he has the right to make his own mistakes. Rather than judge the lady he's with, keep her close, so if there's a problem, you'll see it.  Your son may learn a lot from this relationship, and as long as it's caring and not abusive, let them be.  If they had asked me, I would have advised them not to let her children know they were sleeping together, but you should keep those opinions to yourself.   "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship" should give you some clarity.

"Guidelines for Dating as a Single Parent" might be helpful to show to your son, but let the negative opinions be mine, not yours.  Don't push either your son or his love away.   It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand how to be helpful to your son.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: his friend will always come first

Dear Dr. Romance:

Recently my boyfriend had to help a male friend who was going thru marital problems. The friend was moving out and needed a place to stay. As a result all of our plans were put off in order to offer support for his friend. This of course was fine until dates (plural) had to be cancelled in order to help said friend. I was understanding at first, but when more than one date had to be cancelled among phone calls being non-existent, I had enough. After talking to my boyfriend he basically stated that his friend will always come first, which upset me. I too have a best friend since childhood but I would never forsake one relationship for another. I realized that men and women seem to handle this situation differently. Women do tend to put their relationship with their significantly other before any other.  On the other hand, I feel if we as women don't take care of our mans' wants and needs; this may be used as reason to stray to another woman.  Therefore men feel they should always be put first.

I wouldn't dare desert a friend in need but I feel there should be a balance in all relationships. It shouldn't be an all or nothing choice. I've been lucky to have a best friend that understands that sometimes couples need quality time together and if needed I am there for her no questions asked.

My question is how can I get him to understand that I wish to be a priority as much as he is to me. I even asked my boyfriend if his friend had to choose between his wife and his friend who would he choose, his reply was his best friend would choose him over his wife. I was stunned and taken aback. I understand their relationship was there before me and will be even after I may go. But I also believe your spouse should always be your number one priority above all else.  I am not asking him to choose between us. But don't totally ignore me so you may do some hand -holding for a grown ass man. Am I being selfish?

Dear Reader:

Your boyfriend may be doing you a big favor by showing you what his priorities are.  I agree that there could be a much more mature way to handle this.  You don't say how long you have been together, but I suggest you take a stand now.  If he really thinks he has to desert you to help his friend (there's no way you can do it as a couple?)  perhaps he's not ready for a marital commitment.  Offer to negotiate this problem with him  How To Be a Couple and Still Be Freewill help you figure out some solutions that will satisfy both your needs.  If he won't work with you, he's telling you what your future relationship will be like, and you should pay close attention.  Try cancelling a few dates with him because one of your friends needs you, and see what he thinks about that.  That way, you'll find out if he's got a double standard or not.  If he doesn't like it, you can point out it's what he did to you.  If he doesn't mind, then it's his definition of how significant your commitments to each other are.

Either you're not is important as his friends, or he's not ready for a mature, adult partnership.  A healthy relationship requires teamwork, and you need to begin building a team now, if you really want this romance to work.  Make a strong attempt to work this out with him, but if he won't budge, then the writing is on the wall, and this relationship will not go much further.  "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" "Less Talk, More Action" and "No Cooperation? Solve it Yourself!"  will help you understand how to motivate  him to work with you.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: My Parents don't like my interracial relationship

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have fallen in love with who I think is THE ONE in my life. I'm a divorced 25 year old woman. I have two children by my ex husband, who is Caucasian. We have been separated for a year, and divorced for two months.  I met my new love a month after the separation. 

We have not taken our relationship to it's full extent. We have gone out in the past year about five times. He works full time, and goes to school part time. He sees his children on the weekend (he has never been married). I have primary custody of my children, and they have met him about four times. He wants to take the relationship very slow, and I am in aggreeance with that. We both are focusing on our situation (school/work/kids) at the moment, until we have more to offer each other, and each of our lives is more stable.

However, I am worried that I am going to be forced to choose between him and the closeness I have with my family. My sister dates biracially, and has been with her boyfriend for almost four years. They have a beautiful daughter together, and my sister's boyfriend is physically and verbally abusive towards my sister. My parents only accept my sisters boyfriend as part of the family because they have a daughter together. They only tolerate his presence at family functions, and half the time he doesn't go because he feels unwelcome/out of place/claims to be an "at home" kind of guy. I have expressed my feelings to my parents about how I feel about the guy I'm in love with. We live in Florida, and my parents don't feel that an interracial relationship would thrive in this part of the country. I am so impressed with this guy I am in love with. I am euphoric every time I am with him. He makes me strive to be the best I can be at everything that I am. He dreams with me, and sets goals with me.

He is the kind of person I could see myself with twenty years from now. I have learned a lot from him since I have known him, and I respect him as I have only respected my father. I don't know what to do about the situation with my parents. Every time I tell my mother about something my boyfriend has said, or how much I miss him, or whatever, if it has to do with my boyfriend, my mother turns the conversation in another direction. I don't know how to handle this situation.  Please help me.

Dear Reader:

Going slow is a great idea in any relationship, and especially important when you have children.  It will also give your family time to come around. You say the only reason your parents accept your sister's boyfriend is because of the grandchildren, but I think they care about you and your sister also.

Once they see that you have made a better choice this time around, they'll probably relax. If it's possible, I'd suggest you and your new guy spend some time with your parents, as you get a chance. If he's such a good guy, they'll figure it out. Your sister's relationship is not a good one, so no wonder they're a bit wary. They have enough reason not to like your sister's husband, no matter what his race. I assume they love your children, too, and if they see that your children like this new person, and he treats all of you well, they'll probably relax. They have good reason to worry, since you and your sister both have had relationship problems. Use "The Magic of Reassurance" to calm and soothe their fears, and get them on  your side.  "The Challenges of Blended Families" will help you understand all the dynamics you need to manage.

By all means, if you and this man are serious, let them get to know him. If they like him, and everyone gets along, your parents will probably come around. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free will give you some pointers about creating your unique partnership, interacting with your family, and resolving whatever disputes arise in your relationship.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on: Friends in Need: Interventions for Domestic Violence

 

 Dr. Romance received the following letter:

“A topic I would like you to cover/explore is that curious phenomena which permits otherwise independent women to be dominated...even abused...by males with whom they share some sort or relationship.  Why is it that a seemingly strong, intelligent woman would allow herself to be hurt...her life to be altered in a negative way by some guy with whom she has some sort of relationship.  I currently know a couple such women and feel completely helpless with regard to alleviating their problem (which they apparently fail to see).

“I realize we/you could attack this from the other angle:  Why would a man want to completely dominate a female to the point where she fails to exist as an individual??  But, for now......help me understand this from the female perspective.”

 

I’d be happy to, and I hope the following information answers your questions. Of course, every person involved in violent situations has his or her own reason for living that way.  Usually, women who remain in abusive or violent situations are more afraid of being alone than of being with the abusive husband.  She may also be afraid of what he’ll do if she leaves.  She’s usually financially dependent on him. 

 

If the couple has children, the woman feels even more invested and trapped: she believes she’s protecting the children.   The more time passes, the weaker, more dependent and “stuck” she becomes. Abusive men are narcissistic; they have “Jekyll and Hyde” personalities, which means that they can be very charming when they’re not being abusive. 

 

Women who stay in abusive situations focus on this charm, and deny the abuse.  They also have experience of their husbands smoothly talking their way out of any responsibility for misbehavior, (for example if she once called 911 and he got the police to believe nothing was wrong.) The woman feels hopeless and helpless, that no one will believe her or help her get out.  She’s also ashamed, and doesn’t want people to know her misery.  Various women have combinations of all or some of these reasons for staying.

 

The question here that concerns most of us would be: “What can I do to help?” Here are some steps you can take when you believe a friend or family member is in this situation. 

 

 

1. Get informed about options.  Before attempting to help, make sure you know what the options are for the woman and her children.  Obtain a domestic violence hotline number, (National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)  the number for child protective services (ask the operator for your local Child Abuse Hotline, or call 1-800- 4 A Child ) and numbers for local womens’ shelters.  Call the numbers, explain that you want to help a female friend, and find out what information these organizations need to help your friend or family member.  Make a list of the information she’ll need to provide.  The National Domestic Violence Hotline Website has a lot of very helpful information at http://www.ndvh.org/index.html.  But, don’t just refer your friend to the website or phone numbers.  Give her all the details you can.  Remember, she’s probably feeling hopeless and helpless, and perhaps even worthless.  She’ll need friends to guide her every step of the way.

 

 

2.  A violent spouse has impaired impulse control, and can go off violently at any time.  It’s vital that no one talk to the violent spouse, because if he’s angered, he may take it out on his family. Understand that, if he’s truly violent, it won’t work to talk to him.  His wife and children must be safe before anyone approaches him.  Once the family is safe, you can offer him anger management classes, or suggest therapy.  Don’t be surprised if he blames his wife for his anger.  Understand that, if you get child protective services involved, and the wife won’t stay away from her husband, the children may be taken into protective custody.  Also if the wife goes into a women’s shelter, with her children, she will lose her job, if she has one, and she can’t contact her relatives from the shelter.  Shelters stress that women cannot go anywhere their husbands would look for them, or they could lead a violent man to the shelter, and endanger everyone there.

 

 

3. Find a couple of friends or family members you can trust not to tell the husband what you know, and talk to them to find out what they know about the situation, and if they’d be willing to help. If you’re not sure about the abuse or violence, they may be able to confirm your fears, or set them at rest.  If you find that your fears are confirmed, make it clear to everyone that your friend is in real danger. Make a plan for what each of you are willing to do to help. Perhaps a family member can take her and the children in, and keep her surrounded and safe from her husband if he goes into a rage.  Perhaps you can get her connected to a women’s shelter. Perhaps you can help her get a Restraining Order, or a Protection from Violence Order against her husband.  Some of you may know enough facts to witness on her behalf.  You may be able to help her see the websites on a computer her husband won’t be able to access.

 

 

4. Once the first three steps are in place, you need to talk to the woman who’s in danger.  If you, a relative, or one of the other friends can get her alone, away from her husband, do so.  Don’t leave telltale phone messages or e-mails, because women in these situations are often closely monitored by their husbands.  Find a way to meet with her alone.

 

 

5. Once you get her alone, tell her what you know about her situation. This may mortify her, but it’s important that she knows you know.  Tell her you care about her, you’re willing to help her if she wants help, and what you can do for her. She needs to know she has support and protection, because getting away from this man is very frightening for her. She may tell you she’s fine, she doesn’t need help.  She may even be angry at you.  In that case, don’t get angry or annoyed.  Instead, tell her if she ever needs help, you’re available.  You can print the “Family Violence Q& A” article from my website  and leave it with her.

 

6. If your friend has children, you believe the children are in danger, and she won’t do anything, you may have to call the Child Abuse Hotline without her permission.  This will not be easy, because the family will then be investigated.  If problems are verified, the children may be taken away, and both parents will be required to take parenting classes, and domestic violence classes to regain custody of the children.  Children’s Protective Services will give temporary custody to a safe family member in the meantime, if someone is willing.

 

None of this is pleasant, or easy, but if you honestly believe the relationship is abusive or violent, it’s the caring thing to do.  Remember that domestic abuse or violence situations don’t get better without intervention. 

Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm on the verge of total breakdown

Dear Dr. Romance:

I need desperate help...i'm on the verge of total breakdown...i need immediate help so i searched the Internet and saw your email address.. here is my problem..please help please..please

i'm 20 yrs old...live in another country....I  moved out of my parents place 1 yr ago.. My parents were abusive. They tormented me for 6 years before i decided to move out...So I stayed with my boyfriend of 1 year for 7 months, before deciding to move here with him.... Before I was here, I had lots of Hopes and Dreams..i know exactly what i'm going to do and all... but now i'm caught in the middle of a destructive whirlpool...My boyfriend took all the money that I have, he controls me. I cant go to any place that i want to. I have no Friends but I have to stay in his house the whole day....He monitors me from work as well..he checks all my activities online, and denies access to most things on the Internet except Internet and email.... I feel like I've made a HORRIBLE mistake....I've been crying for days now..I have absolutely nothing in my life anymore. I gave up my education, my friends, my life, my money and most of all, My Freedom....

Please say something to me because i really can't go on another day anymore....please help me please...i beg you..please say somethin to me...please

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry to hear you're in trouble.  It is very common for people who grew up in abusive homes to immediately get into abusive relationships.  I don't know what resources exist where you live, but you should find a woman's shelter immediately and get away from that boyfriend before you get injured.  You are in danger because he knows you are dependent on him, and you must get help.  Call the police or a local hotline, and ask if there's a shelter you can go to.  Leave while your boyfriend is at work, and don't go back.  Take what belongings you can with you, and leave the rest.

Once you get to a shelter, they will help you with both legal help and therapy. You need to heal your Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the past, so you will be able to recognize whether a boyfriend loves you or not. This one doesn't love you, he just loves having power over you.  Please get help immediately.  Talking to me won't do you much good, because I'm so far away.  Call a woman's hotline or a shelter now. "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship" will give you some information that will help. You might also find It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you work through your PTSD from the past.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am not a prude

 Dear Dr. Romance:

 

Here’s one for you, I am female, mid fifties, cute and in good shape considering my age. Had been married for 30 years, single 4 years, kids all grown now and  I am on my own which is fine. I can manage on my own and I am not a desperate female.

 

I do get lonely for male companionship, not sex.  Not really looking to marry at least not yet. Just want to have some laughs and go places. Have some fun together. Get to know each other.

 

My trouble is only those who are late sixties look at me and even then they only want a mama to cook, clean and take care of them oh yes and free sex, with nothing in the  relationship for me. The younger ones only want the sex and act as though I need servicing.

 

Geesh! No matter how clearly I tell them or put on my online profile that I simply am not going to put out they still continue to try to force the issue as though I am only teasing them; or I am some sort of conquest.  I do not do the bar scene and have not found anyone any better at church either.  I am a care provider so no chance of meeting any men where I work.

 

Are there no males out there who don't have sex on their minds all the time?   I am not a prude; I just am not so horny that I have to put out to some darn guy because he needs it.

 

Dr. Romance replies:

 

If what you want is a real companionable relationship, you are looking in all the wrong places. A lot of guys on the Internet and in bars are trolling for sex, and they just see you as a piece of meat. Church only works if you get involved in the working life of the church.  You need to get a life:  get out and do things in a social environment that has content – that is, do things you're interested in -- even passionate about -- that involve other people.  That way, the men you meet will get to know you as a person first, and they will be higher quality men, who have lives also. We live in a very media saturated culture, where we are influenced to focus on surface things and not look beneath. But in a long-term, loving relationship, looks very quickly cease to matter, and character is what counts.

 

Because it's the inside that matters in a love relationship (despite all the media focus on the external) when you have repeated social contact with someone, love can grow without either party really being aware of it. The couple develops a   relationship "infrastructure" in an organic, natural fashion, as opposed to forcing it. These relationships often last a long time, because they're reality based. Old-fashioned courtship is what works.  "Where is Love?" and "Dating: The Fine Art of “Squirrel Hunting” will show you how. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  has all the information you need to fix your "searcher" and find a good person who cares.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Two weeks ago I had to have an abortion.

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I am 15 years old.  I just want your opinion. I have a boyfriend that is 19 years old and from what I hear is that its against the law for a 15 year old to go out with a 19 year old. My mom, step dad, sister, and whole family disapproves of our relationship. We have been together for 8 months and we have been through sooooo much just to be and stay together. 

I think if he did not love me enough, he would not waste so much time for so long. I would think if he is just after one thing he would have been left me. Two weeks ago I had to have an abortion. To tell the truth I really did not want to have one. I think that was the happiest time of my life those few weeks I was pregnant. 
 
I cry almost every night and regret even thinking about having an abortion. They did not want us to be together so bad that we felt that maybe if we had a baby we would have no choice but to be together. Please do not get me wrong, but I know I am too young for a baby in these days and times, only because by law I am not old enough to work and not take care of myself. I am just asking for your opinion about a 15yr old and a 19yr old going out and seeing each other. Do you think it is wrong? 
 
Do you think it is right to send a man that's only a few years older than a minor to jail just for falling in love? If my boyfriend was 15 also and I became pregnant would you not want to take him to jail? Why do you think God enabled me to have children at this age if I'm not supposed to? Can you please answer this question? Do you think in the old days it was wrong for 13, 14, 15 year olds and so on to get married? 
 
Of course they had to get the consent from their parents only because they still had to live and rely on them. Do you think I am right? I just do not feel that we should be pulled away cause it will not solve anything. All it might do is fill hearts with anger and hatred to mend a broken heart; I think that is where the trouble sometimes start in society today. If you send an innocent young man to jail for 25 years just for falling in love will probably drive him crazy and completely waste a good mind that could have been useful.
 
If you love someone dearly and then they are ripped away from you and some people fail to love again. In our situation love refuses to pull us away. Maybe love should be given a chance. A teenager's love is no different from that of an adult. Real love is something that forms in your heart, something that everyone feels. 
 
Why do teenagers have to go through so much just to love someone and be happy? When I was 12 years old I had no feelings toward males. I think when you mature enough to love someone to that extinct, you should be able to love someone. Do you agree? I just really need to know the opinion from someone that actually matters. 
 
Me and my boyfriend sometimes feel that we are alone in thinking we should love each other. Its like its me and him against the world. Of course we get support from friends. All I'm asking is for your opinion on this subject. I look forward to your reply, as soon as you are available. 

Please know that I look up to you, and cherish your opinion.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you are going through all this at such a young age. It's not illegal for a 19 year old man to date a 15 year old girl, but it is illegal for them to have sex.  Laws vary by state, but that is a federal law.    You need some help sorting out your priorities, making decisions, and planning your future. I recommend that you go to counseling, or go to the school counselor.  I'm sure you and your boyfriend believe you're in love, but your behavior is showing that it's not a very mature love.

If your boyfriend were more mature, he would have thought more clearly about your chances of success together and been more careful.  He used you as a source of sexual and emotional gratification for himself.  He's obviously immature even for a 19 year old.  He knows the law, and he should know better than to break it.   A mature adult male wouldn't have unprotected sex with a minor and get her pregnant.  How would the two of you possibly have cared for a baby at your age?  I have worked with children in the foster care system, and this is exactly how they get there, because their parents were too young, unrealistic and thoughtless to wait until they could really make a family before they had a baby.  

I'm glad to regret that your behavior was so poorly thought out that you wound up needing an abortion.   It's a shame that your baby couldn't have been born to mature, healthy parents who could care for her, support her financially and emotionally, and be good role models for her.  Having a baby is not a game, and it's not right to have a baby so you can feel good.  Wait until you are an adult, supporting yourself, and in a stable marriage with someone who can guarantee to be there for you before you decide to get pregnant again.

Please get counseling and get your life back on track. It's not too late for you to make something good out of your life, and to prepare yourself for real love and real motherhood.  These are the years you should be learning what you need to know. You are way ahead of yourself.  I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, but I think both you and your boyfriend are making some really big mistakes.  Whether you think your family understands you or not, they do have a point. You and your boyfriend are not mature  enough to be having sex or making these kinds of decisions -- no matter what your friends say. 

Please read my article "Stupid Cupid"  and reconsider before you ruin your lives, and the life of an innocent, unborn child.  If you really want to have a life together and a family, then begin thinking and acting like grownups, not impulsive children.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand how to build a responsible life of your own.  You could also benefit from   52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth 
 I wish for you a healthy and happy life, and, when you are grown, to know what real love is.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Creating Peace

Dr. Romance wishes you a Happy New Year, everyone! This is the time when a lot of energy is spent on making resolutions, most of which we don’t manage to keep. So, in the face of all the violence we have experienced this year, I would like to propose a different kind of resolution.  
Will you join me in resolving to create a year of peace?

Peace begins inside yourself. When you can remain calm even though things are not going well, or someone is being annoying, or you’ve been severely disappointed, you’re beginning to create a more peaceful world. When you can be kind, caring and walk away from things and people that are upsetting; rather than challenging, being defensive or getting even; you’re creating peace where there might have been conflict. When you spend some time relaxing, meditating, cuddling up or doing what you love, you’re creating a mental and physical experience of peace that lowers your blood pressure, reduces your stress, heals your body, and opens your creativity.

When inner peace reigns, it spreads outward from yourself to your friends and family; and even strangers. Your calm and caring interior creates “vibes” that are soothing and comforting to those around you. If you can smile at the grocery cashier after the previous customer was cranky, or touch your dear one’s hand when things get edgy, or call a friend who’s going through a struggle just to say you understand; you’re creating a more peaceful family and community.

Peaceful communities work together to accept and help each other. When your neighbors rally to bring food and medicine to a friend who is ill; when we all work together to fix a local problem or pass some beneficial community laws, or just say a friendly “Hi” or pass the time of day with our neighbors; we’re creating a more trusting and peaceful society.

When we take care to make thoughtful political choices, with an eye to what is good for our neighbors as well as ourselves, and consideration for the future as well as today; in response to reasoned thinking rather than reaction to agitated commercials, we are creating a more peaceful world. When we follow the old precept to ‘think globally; act locally’ we’re creating conditions for world peace and prosperity.

Happiness is not so much getting what we want as it is acting and thinking in ways that nurture connections and harmony. Within the nurturing environment we create, love and happiness can flow and grow.

The Shape of Peace

How shall we know When peace is here to stay?
How can we grow in peaceful, loving ways?
When will the struggle be transformed into the dance?
Can faith be strong enough to take the chance?

Chorus: Hold out your hand and touch the shape of peace
And side by side we’ll watch the struggle cease
The Hand of God will touch and heal the breach
When we are one, when we have learned
The shape of peace

The shape of peace is in the silent stars
That dance in time to Power beyond ours
We can’t escape, we cannot shout it down
After the battle, the silence is profound.
© 2001 Words and music by Tina B. Tessina

May we all be blessed with The Spirit of Peace ~ Within ourselves, Within our lives, Within the world.
Wishing you a A Blessed and Peaceful 2023

(C) 2023 Tina B. Tessina Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Should I drop the subject and keep dating him or what?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 3 years. I have recently brought up the topic of marriage. A few months ago he told me that I complete his life and that he can't imagine his life without me, but then he says he not ready for the marriage "commitment". He says that it has nothing to do with me. He also says that he knows that I would make a wonderful wife and mother. Unfortunately, I take it so personal and become so depressed. He does NOT understand why I am so harsh on myself. I feel like if he doesn't know if he wants to get married than he doesn't "love" me as much as he says he does. We basically never argue and we are the best of friends. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. Why is he so scared and why does he say he can't imagine my life without me, but will not propose marriage. I'm not saying that I want to get married at the moment, but a promise of marriage would be nice. Can you please help me out?
I'm so depressed. I don't understand?? He said that he would go to counseling with me. Help me please. What should I do? Should I drop the subject and keep dating him or what????

Dear Reader:

You may not realize it, but you're sending mixed messages about whether you really want to be married or not.  You're blaming yourself for his lack of commitment, and you seem to be fighting with yourself about whether you want the commitment or the relationship.  I suggest you take him up on his offer to go for counseling, and even get some counseling on your own.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a good therapist.

Consider the picture you're presenting to him.  Why would he want to marry you when you're depressed and upset?  Get yourself together, and figure out what you want.  Do you want marriage whether it's with him or without him?  Are you willing to be with him even if you're not married?  Pouting, being emotionally upset, and making demands are not mature and effective ways to build a working partnership. "Guidelines for Being Better Understood by Your Mate" will help you communicate more effectively.  You'll get your message across better if you stand your ground and ask for what you want.  If he says no, be prepared to end the relationship.  Once he knows you're serious, he may reconsider. How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will help you both learn how to work out your problems as a team.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: If I want achieve a goal, what have I to do?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am from South Korea.   If I want achieve  a goal (future target) compulsory what have I to do? Every day I remind it in my prayers.  As you think will i get it or not?  Please enlighten me ...

Dear Reader:

I'm not sure I understand your question, but to achieve goals, it is important to first have a clear image of what you want to achieve. Then break your goal down into small steps, and do one step at a time.  Try reading my articles "Asking for What Your Want" ;  "Four Steps to Success" and "Your Job on Earth" for more understanding.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  will help you understand why you are getting in your own way.

  52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A guided Workbook for Self-exploration and Growth will help you get to understand yourself and your wants and needs better.

  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I have never been able to find a man who will stick with me

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am fortysomething female and have never been married.  I make an excellent salary. I have never been able to find a man who will stick with me; they either use me or can't deal with my strength. My current boyfriend of over a year and a half is a few years older and was married for one year in his twenties and never married since. He is very confident, adventurous and never wanted a committed relationship. His friends were surprised when he moved in with me almost a year ago. We get along well although we are both a bit opinionated and both like to have control, but that isn't the issue, I digress.   He left home at 18 and has been independent since.   He's very attractive and had a lot of girl friends, but never stayed with any.  I make a lot more than he makes. He has told me numerous times that he does not let others take care of him and he carries his own weight. When he moved in to my condo, I asked him to cover about a fourth of the mortgage and utilities.   He was good for the first few months, until he got laid off. Now basically he isn't paying for his monthly existence. we've decided to sell my condo and buy a house but we cannot afford a house on what equity I have in my condo alone. He has no savings. I set up a separate savings account for the down payment. He gives me some money each month for the savings, but none for the expenses. 

I do love him and I know he loves me. He takes care of me when I'm sick. My family and friends see how he loves me too. I don't think that he purposely is lacking on the money issue. He told me that he will marry me some day but I have no idea when that some day will be. He talks like everything is both of ours, yet I don't feel he is contributing what he should be. I don't even know for sure how much he has in savings.  I don't think he is trying to use me but I have been used in the past and I won't go for it again.

He also has done nothing about retirement. He says that he plans to work until he dies. I have told him that he needs to put some money away because Social Security won't cover the type of house payment we will be looking at but he just doesn't seem to get it.  I stand up for myself at work, but I have not been able to do that in most of the relationships that I have had with males that I care for. Please help me define some guidelines for talking with him about these issues and getting satisfactory results. I want this relationship to last.

Dear Reader:

Congratulations on your career success.  I doubt that your trouble with men can be blamed on your financial status, I think it's a problem with the men you were choosing.   For example, staying with men who are emotionally unavailable. Discover more about choices in "You Be the Judge"

The man you have now seems at least partly reliable, and it sounds as if he cares, but he doesn't sound very motivated to be in a committed relationship, and for a relationship to work, both parties must be committed. You have done a lot on your own, and you deserve credit for that, but that won't work in relationship.  You must have a partner who doesn't need to be persuaded and coaxed into marriage. If you want to limp along in this situation, that's your choice.  I recommend that you get therapy to build your self-esteem.  I have a suspicion that you don't believe you're worthy of a man who can love you wholeheartedly.  Please be very cautious about getting any more financially entangled with this man you are now living with. A "very attractive man" who plays around is not avoiding  relationships because the women have money; he just doesn't want to be accountable. and I suspect, he hasn't fully grown up.

He's not walking his talk when it comes to letting you pay for things.  The more you let him use you, the more he probably will.  You can choose to stay in the situation you are now in, but I'd advise against buying a house with this man.   You sound too smart and capable to be stuck with a semi-loser.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will help you understand what an equal relationship is, and how to achieve it, with this man or someone else.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on: Mirrors and Teachers

Dr. Romance writes: There are people in my life who are  easy to be around, and others I love who are more difficult for me.  It’s not that they’re bad people, others get along with them fine, and, actually, so do I.  It’s just that I have to work a little bit more to understand what they mean, to not take what they say the wrong way, or use a little more patience around them, because their personalities or styles are quite different from mine.  I find it worth the work, because our differences stretch me a bit, and enrich my life and understanding in ways that more similar people don’t.  Challenging relationships can be the most rewarding, because they teach the biggest lessons.

 

Perhaps you have run into people who test your patience at work, with friends, or among extended family.   Sometimes people are difficult to handle because they remind us of other people we had problems with in the past, so we’re attracted and frustrated at the same time.  Others can be difficult for many people around them. Problems with a familiar type of person may not emerge until you’re already bonded and involved as friends or partners. 

 

Many valuable gifts come through overcoming negative reactions, and learning to view others as reflections of ourselves – useful mirrors.  The following exercise will help you step back and look at others as a source of information about yourself,  view people from a different angle and use the very people who upset you as a reflection of the internal dynamics behind your struggles.

 

Exercise: mirrors and teachers

 

1. List problem people: Make a list of people with whom you have had problems in the recent past.  You can use the list from the exercise for reviewing your family map in the last chapter, choose the family members who are still presenting problems, and add to it other people who are difficult, but aren’t related.

 

2. Choose a mirror: Select one of the most difficult people on the list, and think about your interaction with that person.  What do you want from him or her?  Do you want to be understood? To be respected? To be left alone? To be appreciated? To be cared about?

 

3. Relate it to yourself:  Now consider how to give to yourself what you want from the other person.  If you want to be left alone, do you leave yourself alone?  If you want to be trusted, do you trust yourself?  If you want to be heard, do you listen to your own self?  If you want to be important, are you important to you?

 

4. Change your self-treatment: Practice treating yourself the way you would want to be treated by the person in question.  For example, if you are angry because this person doesn’t treat you with respect, consider what it would mean to treat yourself with respect, and change your behavior toward yourself accordingly.  If you’re upset because the person doesn’t listen to you, spend some time every day listening to yourself. 

 

5. Learn new skills:  Think about the dynamics between the difficult person and yourself, and what you need to learn that would improve the relationship.  Perhaps you need to learn not to take what is said too seriously.   Perhaps you need to learn to set boundaries, or to handle other peoples’ anger more effectively.  Make a list of new skills you could learn that would improve your ability to deal better with this type of individual.  On you list, note where you think you could learn the skills you need.  From a friend? With a therapist? From books? Some of the exercises in the rest of this book may give you what you need. 

 

6. Do your part: Take responsibility for your part of the relationship.  Keeping in mind that no one can struggle with you if you don’t struggle back, consider what you need to do to remove yourself from the relationship problem.  Remember, no matter what’s going on, you have control over your own actions – you can choose not to participate in any situation that is destructive or counter-productive. (From It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction )

 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm Jealous (x 3)

 Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been with my partner for two years, and we have a pretty good relationship, except for one thing.  He's a softball nut! He practices twice a week and plays a game almost every weekend. It isn’t just for the summer, either.  Even when there is no official season happening, he still gets together with his softball teammates, and they practice or do something else.

 

I hate softball!  I don't mind going to a game once in a while, but I don’t like it all the time.  I want to go to theatre, movies, concerts, etc.  How can I get him to give up softball and do things I want to do?

 

DON'T TAKE ME TO THE BALL GAME

 

Dear Dr. Romance:

 

My partner is an athlete in training who takes very long, fast bike rides several times a week. Recently, he has been taking these rides with another man, rather than alone, and I'm jealous. I have a physical handicap, and cannot ride at his pace, so I can't go with him.

 

We have a very nice relationship, and I'm very happy, except for this problem.  How can I get him to stop taking these rides with his "friend"?

 

LEFT OUT

 

Dear Dr. Romance:

 

It's been another bad Saturday.  I love the beach, and my partner doesn't.  We go, and she complains about the heat, the sand on the blanket, she's restless, she wants to go home before I do, she doesn't want to read the book she brought, and on and on until I give up and go home.

 

I love this woman most of the time, but after a day at the beach I never want to see her again! This wears off after a while, but it’s taking longer and longer for me to forgive her. I’m real tired of it!

 

I've even suggested she do something else, and let me go to the beach alone for a couple of hours, but she doesn't want to. What can I do?

 

FRUSTRATED AT THE BEACH

 

Dear Readers:

 

 

These are problems I hear constantly.  Where did we all get the idea that partners are conjoined twins?  None of you claims to be joined to your partner at the hip.

 

So much damage is done when you’re together only because you don’t want to be alone. The appropriate reason for partners to be together is because they want to.  That includes enjoying each other and whatever activity you are doing. The minute one of you begins to feel you’re together because you have to be, the problems begin.  That's when someone begins to feel trapped, and to push for space.  If there's no understanding of the need for space, hurt feelings result, and you're off and running.

 

It is not reasonable or advisable to ask your partner to give up an important or favorite activity because you don’t like it, or because you can't join in.  That's life.  Learn to handle it. Before long, you may be surprised to find out that you actually enjoy your separate time, and you'll also notice that your time together is enhanced by the separation.

 

If you're the one with the favorite activity, firmly and gently insist on your right to do it alone. "Gentle Persistence"  will show you how.  If your partner has the activity, and you don’t like it, he or she should go without you.  Now, here’s the hard part. Your partner may want company for this favorite activity.  Yes, you must deal with that, too. Your partner’s companion in sports or hobbies is his/her friend, not your rival. Friends are a necessary support system to every relationship.

 

If you don't trust your partner, that is a separate and important issue, calling for counseling.  Either your insecurity or your partner's integrity (or both) need help.  Learning to make realistic, honest agreements will solve this problem. "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will show you how to do that.

 

If you feel left out, then you need activities and companions of your own. I recommend that you find some resources to meet people who are in relationships and not a threat to your own.  

 

These people are interested in networking to support your relationship and their own, and they have a busy calendar which can help you fill the empty spaces in your life. Having separate activities can take a tremendous amount of pressure off a relationship.

 

One caution: when you have a separate activity from your partner, it's important that your partner feel invited to join in from time to time.  If you're doing something your partner cannot join, then arrange occasional social gatherings with the other persons involved.  Have brunch, lunch, a party or a picnic with your friends and your partner. This makes it clear that it's the activity that is separate, and that you are not sneaking or hiding.

 

If the activity would be open, but your partner's attitude makes things difficult, include your partner occasionally anyway. Since you get to do what you want most of the time, accommodating your partner occasionally won't be too hard, and it will keep everything in perspective.

 

It's not only OK, it's healthy to have different activities and different friends as well as what you share. Just remember to do it with love and consideration. "Handling the Green-Eyed Monster" will give you more information about handling jealousy.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will help you fix these problems and have a happier relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I become involved with men who can't find enough sexual fulfillment with me

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I have discovered that my new husband has a new listing on a bisexual web site, indicating that he is married and mostly heterosexual but wants to meet and be sexually involved with men. This is particularly troubling for me because we promised that our relationship would remain open to new sexual experiences, but that anything that happened would be something we would do together, out in the open, no lies or secrets. Before this, I was in a long-term relationship with someone I was intensely bonded to, only to gradually discover he was leading two lives; and the life without me included hundreds of casual sexual encounters and more. I loved that man so much that it took me two years to finally decide, and have the strength, to admit that I would never be happy with him again and that I had to move on. My husband is well aware that the lying and duplicity is a huge issue for me, knows what I experienced before meeting him, and I am heartbroken that it is happening again, and I feel like I'm somehow doing this, setting myself up to find and become involved with men who can't find enough sexual fulfillment with me, that need to lie and sneak around behind my back to find it elsewhere. I'm a very physical, affectionate and sexual person, old enough to not harbor silly sexual hangups and pretty adventurous, kept myself in great shape and take pride in my appearance. Further, I know my husband is really, truly in love with me (former relationship is still in love with me, for that matter); I'm heartbroken and bewildered. I need to speak with someone who is comfortable and non-judgmental with bisexuality and alternative sexual lifestyles, and I need that person to help me understand what I'm dealing with and sort all of this out. We both have children from previous marriages, we have blended our families together, and divorce is not an option, nor is it what I would choose.  I'm just devastated and heartbroken, and I don't really understand what I'm dealing with. And, no, I haven't told him that I know about this.

Dr. Romance Replies:　

You must be pretty highly sexual, because you are attracted to what Alfred Kinsey designated the "high frequency male." These are men who feel compelled to have an orgasm daily, with a partner or without. You're certainly loveable. Now all you need is to find a man as healthy as you are, which will require judgement on your part.  "You Be the Judge" will help you think more clearly about the men you're attracted to.

Your current partner sounds as if he's struggling with his own sexual identity, and he sounds more gay than straight, but no one will really know that until he sorts it out. It's not an easy thing to do. Yes, he had to know how badly this would hurt you, but he's also not entirely in control of his own actions, because he's denying (confused about) his own sexual orientation.

I'm sorry for your loss, but I suggest you let it be a loss, because it's going to take this man a long time to sort himself out. Do your grieving, and then examine the criteria you're using to choose your men. I know you said you didn't want a divorce, but I think it will come to that, eventually.

You can stay if you want, but I think, sooner or later, he'll go. You definitely could use some support: this is a very tough thing to go through.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely "  will help you get support for yourself.   How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will show you both how to discuss your desires and needs openly and without fighting.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: should the single man feel that he is sinning?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I would like your opinion on this..  If a married woman starts seeing a single man, should the single man feel that he is sinning? The single man does not know if the woman will leave her husband or not. This is going on 7 months. The man knew she was married before the relationship started. Does the single man tell her it is over or just keep going? He has his doubts because her lifestyle would change. She is more scared about fighting for her half and also her mother. She thinks he is god and he really is not. She tells me the good and bad. He is very possessive. So why is she still in the marriage after 17 years. She can not answer that or she won't. Her marriage is just living with this man. She does not see him attractive or has not made love to him since 2001. She makes a lot of money, and it is amazing how cheap she is.

Dear Reader:

Whether or not you're sinning is outside my purview.  I'm afraid this woman is just using you, to make her feel better, but I doubt she'll leave her marriage.  As you say, she is financially comfortable.  I doubt if she's telling you the truth about her marriage, or about whether she has sex with her husband.   This doesn't sound like a good situation to me, I suggest you find a real relationship, with someone who is free to love you.  "Where is love"  and "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will help you get the kind of relationship you're looking for. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you find a more equal and healthy relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on: Where is Love?

Dr. Romance writes:

Probably the most prevalent question I’m asked in my counseling practice is "Where is love?" Clients want to know why they can’t find a successful life partnership, why a friend or family member won’t respond as they would like, even why they don’t love themselves. In a perfect world, love wouldn’t be something we have to learn – if you believe in a loving cosmos, then we were all conceived in Love, and it’s Love that created us. But, we live in a human world, and we’re all imperfect beings, falling short time and time again in our attempts to love one another and even to love ourselves.

So, we have to learn to love, and even learn to be loved. The more we can learn to think of ourselves surrounded by Love, living in Love, breathing Love in and out, the more we begin to feel it, and the more we attract it. As we understand this, we begin to meld our imperfect, human world with the larger, more expansive world of Love, and things begin to happen that we cannot anticipate. Expecting a miracle, as long as we really strive to understand what miraculous means, will actually make it happen. It's not really magic, unless you believe as I do, that the mind is a miracle in itself.

Think of it this way: every opportunity we have to be loving is a course in emotional growth – thinking about love and relationships as a learning experience will make it easier to increase your loving potential.

Most of us are quite practiced in taking courses. If you sign up for an algebra course, for example, you know what you’ll face: 10 (or so) weeks of learning new material and homework assignments consisting of more and more complex problems based on the material learned. You may grumble about the homework load, or complain about the teacher, but you never think you've been given the problems as punishment. Problems are a natural part of the educational process.

Life, too is a classroom with many classes. One of the most rigorous courses is Love 101. It's required, no one escapes it, and the skills learned are useful for an entire lifetime. The syllabus for this class includes love of self, family, and friends. The advanced syllabus includes love of enemies and those who disappoint, hurt or frustrate us. All of the problems presented are to help us stretch and grow emotionally.

Every relationship you have is a learning lesson in love, both of yourself and of the other. By keeping in mind you are a student, and problems are to learn from, you will make life easier, growth faster, and everything will make more sense.

Your homework is to learn about love. This week’s assignment might be some difficulty with a friend or family member. How are you going to solve the problem of loving that friend who’s not treating you well? How are you going to turn an abrasive situation into a smooth path? Or maybe the person who’s not being so nice to you is actually yourself. So, what can you do, when you’re at odds with you, to reconcile and turn the criticism into appreciation and love for self? Sometimes a romantic partner or spouse is the biggest challenge. What if your partner is not listening to you, or resisting your ideas? How can you love that, and make enough room in your heart to hear him or her first, and help the atmosphere change from hostile to loving? And what if your assignment is creating a romance where none exists? How can you do that with love for yourself, and with the positive belief that there’s enough love in this imperfect world that you can have what you want?

Once you’ve been disappointed or hurt, being afraid is natural, and it’s even a healthy response to facing a situation you’ve had trouble with before. Your fears are saying, in effect "I’ve had a bad time with this before -- I don’t feel prepared to do it again." Rather than letting that message frighten you away, learn to love your emotions for wanting to keep you safe, and discover a new, slower, safer path to tread. But don’t give up on the goal. You have learned a lot in your lifetime, and all of us can always learn something more about love.

(c) 2022 Tina B. Tessina from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My husband who is 39 left me for a girl of 19

Dear  Dr. Romance: 
My husband who is 39 left me for a girl of 19. Not attractive, a student who works in a cigarette store. He moved out so fast and had her in his life as fast that  I'm still reeling 4 months later. We lost our home and have a lot of debt. Why do I want him back? Why do I have hope? I raised his son who is also out of my life (15 years old).

I am doing better day by day but still wish they were here. The girl is at his house a lot. But I keep hearing that it isn't what I think, and that he knows it won't last. I find this compulsion to  drive by his house to see if she is there. He had been "talking" to her for a while before he left but when he decided to leave it was fast. I realize this seems like rambling but we lost everything and I am barely making it as he says the same is true for him. So how or what do I do to get through?

Dear Reader:
I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time.  I'm guessing that your husband has been seeing this girl for a while, and he did it as an escape from all the pressures of his (and your) real life.  I'm glad you're doing better day by day.  This is a good time for you to focus on making friends and staying close to your own family and the friends that you have.  Join some activities which will be there for you on a regular basis.  You need to get a lawyer and file for divorce.  Your husband may have more money than he's letting you know.  A lawyer can find that out for you.  "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again"  will help you move on. "Decisions After Forty: Reinventing the Rest of Your Life" will start you thinking constructively about  the areas you need to restructure in your life. The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make after Forty gives you a plan for picking yourself up and starting over to build a more successful and satisfying life. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My genes and hormones are still in their teens

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I'm fifty nine years young but my genes and hormones are still in their teens, twenties and thirties. The women that I am attracted to are in their thirties and forties. I'm sad to say that most, if not all, the women in these age groups look at men like myself and brush us off as if we don't even exist, or that we don't have the right to desire a much younger woman. They seem to think that the only thing we are good for is to take up a space somewhere in a bone yard.

I hate to disappoint them, but God willing, I and many others like me are a long long way from that.   Most, if not all, of the women other people tell me I should be trying to date are grossly obese or are, in other ways, unattractive to me, for whatever the reason. I admit that I have high standards. In the past, I have been told I need to lower those standards. I have done this on four occasions and have paid dearly for it, emotionally and in one case, emotionally and financially. The younger women who contact me on the internet through  dating services are nothing more than a bunch of players and scammers, usually in Africa and/or Russia. 

There is another thing to consider here. Because of contracting Diabetes about twenty years ago, I had a terminal case of ED. This has been corrected through surgery. I need a women who can keep up with me sexually as I have a very high sex drive, especially for a man my age. A woman who is obese and in her fifties just will not cut it.

My question is this. How can I present myself to the women I'm attracted to in a way that will say to them that "I am a full grown guy with more than enough get up and go to keep up with you. Look at my age as a plus. I have been around the block enough to know how to love and appreciate a much younger woman."?

Any advise or suggestions you can pass along will be most appreciated.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry your image of women your age is so negative, and that you're not attractive to the younger women you desire, but it's not a new problem.  I suggest you stop living in a fantasy world, stop lumping people into categories, and get out into the real world and meet lots of people, make friends, create a social network.  There, you have a chance of meeting a real person whom you like and who is attracted to you. If you want to meet a woman with energy, go where people are doing active things: sports or dancing.  You'll also brush up your social skills so you're not putting women off.  You'll have to develop a broader interest than just having sex to be interesting to women of any age.  "Attitude: From Negative to  Gratitude" , "Age Differences in Dating" and "Where is Love"  will give you more information on changing your attitude.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you a guide for success in finding a good relationship, and will  help you see yourself and your relationships more clearly.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: his apology didn't change much

Dear Dr. Romance,

I've read your articles online and was impressed by your viewpoints and solutions to problems between men and women.

I'm married for more than 10 years with no kids. I joined a new firm 2 years ago and started working with a lead on a new project. I felt he's nice at first and we worked very closely together. Sometimes we chat a little about each other's personal life. There's once when he told me he's been married for more than 10 years with 2 kids. He's about the same age as I am. He met his wife in college and they had the same background. When I commented that he found the perfect one, he said she's not perfect but is his other-half. He couldn't keep on divorcing to find a perfect one. I told him the first one is usually the best. Another day later, he told me his mother divorced for his stepfather when he's 14, he experienced stress during that time, and he didn't want his son to go through the same he did.

After he left my cube, he emailed with "Girlfriend?" in it. I instantly felt insulted and emailed him back with angriness. He explained to me that  "girlfriend" didn't mean someone to sleep with, but a 'meaningful' close friend. I asked him that coworkers getting along well with each other is good, but why did him want to put me in this position? He said sorry, and later he referred to this request as a joke. A few weeks later he came to me and said he's been thinking about me all weekend, and asked me if one could love 2 people at the same time. I said that's not love but attraction. He said felt better and we continued trying to maintain our work relationship until one day he asked me for my pictures via email. I rejected him and he emailed me back implying it was my fault.

I started to examine myself thinking I might have misled him sometimes and felt depressed.  Since he blamed me, I stopped talking to him, tried to avoid interaction with him as much as possible. He noticed and came to apologize saying he was unprofessional and hurt my feelings.  But his apology didn't change much Now I just feel the relationship is awkward and I don't have much respect for him even though everyone else still thinks he's a very nice and helpful guy. 

Now my problem is, every time he asks me to do things, I have resentment since I don't feel he deserve to be my lead. But I know this is not good for the work and my own career.  People don't know what happened between us and would think I'm trying to be hard on him for no reason while he still presents himself as a nice, patient, and helpful person in front of everybody including our big bosses. 

I thought about leaving the team, but I've earned my reputation here through hard work and I like what I'm doing. Can you tell me the right approach to deal with it? I hoped I'd found your web site much earlier for I feel so stuck in this relationship for quite a while. Thanks and I look forward to your reply.

Dear Reader:

Actually, I think you've handled a difficult situation rather well.  This man is a user, and he has learned that being charming will get him what he wants.  As you already realize, he's not such a nice guy.  If you want to stay in your present position, keep doing what you are doing, being polite and cool, but not giving him any personal warmth.  Focus on doing your job. "Mirrors and Teachers" will give you pointers on giving him a time out and handling his harassment without creating a problem.  "Setting Boundaries and Saying No" will strengthen your resolve to keep him in place.  Be patient, he'll find another victim before long, and leave you alone.  You might also find my book, It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction helpful in understanding how other people can seem nice but actually be trying to take advantage of you.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance On Giving Thanks

Dr. Romance on giving thanks:

A lot of people aren’t very good at looking at the positive.  I hear a lot of negativity, blaming and complaining daily in my counseling office, and I find the more negative people are, the worse their lives work.  Talking about how bad it all is seems to be quite popular.  When I can break through this fashionable bad attitude enough to get my clients begin thinking of what can be done to fix the problem (rather than how awful it all is) things soon begin to improve.  

Of course parts of life are hard; things don't always go right.  We all grieve at loss; we hurt sometimes; we can feel tired and overwhelmed. 

But when you make the effort to see the other side, this very same life can also be full of delight and joy.  When we look with gratitude, we remember the people we have lost also filled many days with laughter and friendship.  Loyal friends rally round and support us when we get hurt, tired or discouraged.  

For clients who complain that they're lonely and lost, I point out all the wonderful opportunities they have to connect with others.  If you're out of a job, sure that's hard, and sure job hunting takes time: but it also gives you time to spend with people; which can be absolutely free, if you arrange it that way.  There is no charge for walks on the beach, sitting on the porch at sunset talking, or helping each other with your resumes.  

I knew someone who was fond of quoting research that claims depressed, pessimistic people have a more accurate view of reality than optimistic, happy types.  What I want to know is  whose lives work better: the depressed people who are supposedly more "realistic", or the happy, "unrealistic" ones.  This charge of unreality connected to a happy outlook is more of the modern, fashionable "downer" attitude. 

We don't get to choose everything that happens to us in life; but we do have many powerful choices to make, including how we respond to what happens to us.  If you constantly see the most negative interpretation (half a glass being half empty, rather than half full), your demeanor will reflect that negativity.  If you seem depressed, down or angry most of the time, others will respond to that negatively: by rejecting or criticizing you.  No one can handle being around a person who is down most of the time; it saps the joy out of life. 

The opposite is true when you’re optimistic and grateful for what you have. 

It's probably easier to show gratitude when you're not overwhelmed by largesse and opportunity. It’s easy to take it all for granted, when we have so much.  But, in my practice and in my own life, I see the result of remembering to stop and be grateful.  Counting blessings enhances your life, by increasing your awareness of what you have, what you've accomplished, and the love you experience.  It enhances relationships by reminding you to say "thank you" and getting the reward of spouses and friends who feel appreciated, and thus motivated to give/love/share more.  Celebration + Appreciation = Motivation.    

Here are are some easy tips on how to feel more thankful: 

*Take some time each day to be thankful (ideally, to your Higher Power, God, the Angels, The Saints, the Universe, Mother Earth/Nature, or whatever you see as a Supreme Being)  for each and every thing that comes your way.  Do this silently, for yourself, not ostentatiously, to impress others.  If you say a grace before meals, say it silently, and think about how fortunate you are. 

*Keep a list for one week about every good thing that comes your way -- a funny e-mail, a phone call, a business success, a loving gesture.  At the end of the week, you'll be astounded at how much you receive. 

*Saying "Thank You" to your partner allows both of you to feel valued. Gratitude is powerful, and, used properly, a much greater motivator than demanding, criticizing, or nagging.  Creative thank you's are the most powerful kind.  It's easy to scope out what kind of thank you will be memorable for a particular person, when you’re paying attention.  Recognition is a powerful motivating factor, and a little gratitude can go a long way.

*Whenever a negative thought comes to mind, counter it with a feeling of thanks for something that is good in your life. Change your focus from what's wrong to what is right.

*Start counting what you already have that you cherish.  Consider beginning a gratitude journal, and noting all the positive things, beloved possessions, and tender moments you experience. Or, start a gratitude jar, and note down on scraps of paper all the positive things, beloved friends, favorite possessions, and tender moments you experience in your own life and store them in the jar. Then whenever you feel another pang, pull out a few papers and read them. You'll find that reminding yourself of all you have to be grateful for will cheer you up and help you remember that your life is a good one. 

Looking for the blessings in every day will maximize your awareness of how lucky you are, and increase the luck that comes your way.   I think of it the same way I think of receiving a gift.  If I receive good things by thinking "It's about time", then who would want to give me more? But, if I receive gifts with gratitude and pleasure, then the giver wants to give me more.  I think life works the same way. 

May your life be full of good things.

from The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: What is a backup solution?

Dear Dr. Romance 
 I just read your article about "Asking for What You Want" and it made a great deal of sense for me and my current relationship.  The only aspect that I didn't understand was when you stated that if you get a no or maybe response, you should have a back up solution.  What do you mean by having a back up solution?
 
Dear Reader:

Having a back up solution means to be prepared with what you're going to do if you get  "no" for an answer.  How are you going to handle the situation if your partner doesn't agree to do what
you want?  "No Cooperation? Solve it yourself" shows how to get unstuck when your partner won't cooperate.   How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together explains how to solve the problem for yourself when your partner won't cooperate. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: When you're white and your significant other is black

Dear Dr. Romance:  How do you handle it when you're white and your significant other is black?

Dear Reader:

If you are of different races or cultures, you have a lot to learn from each other.  Depending on where you live, you may experience some negative reactions from others, and you need to learn to ignore that. If your friends or family have problems, and you really want this relationship to succeed, you have to let them know that you won't tolerate any negative comments.  You can politely say, "I'm sorry it's a problem  for you, but this is the person I love, and I don't want to hear negative comments about it."   "Guidelines for Being Better Understood"   "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" and "Keys to a Happy Relationship" all contain information you can use to improve your life together.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will show you how to communicate about your relationship and your views, and how to work through relationship problems as they come up.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: His mother was an alcoholic and a toxic bitch

Dear Dr. Romance:

Don't know if you can help me or if i need to go to specialist alcohol sites.  My partner and i had been together for 21 years, i asked him to leave 8 months ago, but i miss him dreadfully at times and i have to remind myself why i asked him to go. His mother was an alcoholic and a toxic bitch, still is , anyway he has gone off to stay with his mom and dad, he's forty six years old , he did date someone briefly but i think it's over. Anyway is there anyway i can do to sort this out, i do love him but can't stand what his drinking was doing to me and our family. I seem to be the one having problems moving on.

Dear Reader:

It's difficult for most of my clients who have to deal with an alcoholic partner.  You're right to make a break, and you must stay away until he recognizes and gets help for his drinking problem. 

You'll find help for yourself at Al-Anon.  It's the AA support group for spouses and families of alcoholics. If your children are old enough, they can go to Ala-Teen. You'll all learn a lot there and you'll find others who understand what you've been through. You'll be very glad you went. Al-anon will teach you how to deal with your ex-partner.  

'Read "Letting Go Takes Love"  to help you remain strong and "Mirrors and Teachers" to help with the difficult mother-in-law.  They are free on my website.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand your family dynamics.

 The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance, and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs will show you what is involved in addiction and what is necessary to heal from it.

  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on The Meaning of Life

Dr. Romance writes:

A seeker goes to Nepal and climbs into the Himalayas to find a teacher, a guru he’s heard about. After months of searching and struggle, he finds the famous man, and asks his burning question: "What is the meaning of life?"

"The meaning of life is a bridge," replies the wise man.

The seeker is incensed. "Wait a minute, what kind of dumb answer is that? I struggled and fought to get here, and that’s all you have to say? A bridge? That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard!"

The guru blinked, looked at him and said, "You mean...it’s not a bridge?"

Most of my clients come to me, not searching for the meaning of life, but focused on some crisis in their lives: a relationship disaster, marriage or family problems, lack of direction and motivation, some huge loss for which they’re grieving, an emotional problem such as anxiety or depression, or perhaps even for help in recovering from an addiction. The first thing we do is sort through the crisis, handle immediate problems, and get everything settled down, then we embark on an extended process of figuring out how the problem happened and what must change to keep it from happening again. Once those things are handled, there's a period of bliss or euphoria, when life is working for the first time, they feel successful, calmer, more in charge. Most clients leave at this time.

Then, frequently, they come back asking "Now that I'm in charge of myself, and have a lot of extra energy, because life is a lot easier and my relationships are working, it feels like I'm missing something: what am I doing here?"

This begins a spiritual search for meaning, a transformation I've written about in The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs,

 

People for whom the basics of life are already established need more: they need a sense of meaning and a higher purpose than just survival. Once self-confidence and self-esteem are established, you’ll need a challenge to feel satisfied, a way to express your uniqueness and individuality to yourself, to friends, and to the world.

But if your life's purpose is not evident to you already, how do you find out what it is? Where does a sense of purpose come from? It comes from within you, and is not imposed or chosen from outside. Your purpose may be your livelihood, or it may have nothing to do with how you make a living. Your purpose may be a simple one, like making a good, healthy life for yourself and your children, or it may be more dramatic, and based on what you learned by healing your own childhood experience. Focusing on inner purpose can help you transform anxiety, anger, fear and rage into powerful, life-affirming action.

A life purpose gives you the means to control your destiny, no matter what the force of the hardships you have incurred. Most of the world’s spiritual thinkers have said that the wisdom guiding each of us is available if we just listen and trust what we hear. You may already be having many ideas but not be trusting them or taking them seriously. Perhaps when you get a sense of what what your life's purpose is, you are too distrustful of yourself, (I can’t do that) or too hopeless and helpless to believe it or act on it. Your purpose may make itself clear to you in one instant flash, or gradually, as if you are following clues, one at a time. Whether you get it all at once or a piece at a time, it will still take work and experience to bring it about. Inner wisdom is not rational or practical in nature, but more intuitive and spiritual. It can provide a way to see the big picture, or a more detached and objective viewpoint of the issues and problems of life. Each new idea must be tested through practical use, to see how it works. Step by step, using both intuitive wisdom and clear thinking, you can bring your inner motivation to the surface and use it to create what you want. Your combination of inspiration expressed through action becomes the bridge to the meaning of your own life. 

From:  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I can't forgive my girlfriend for cheating on me

Dear Dr. Romance:

Just over one year ago, my girlfriend cheated on me. It wasn't the standard 'met a guy, went to his place' kind of thing, she did it via the internet. He had her cell number but she swears they never talked (though she admits he left voicemails). Everything seemed fine with the relationship (though clearly it was not) until within a week of the time she began talking to him. During the time she was talking to him (sometimes in Spanish, which I do not speak, in front of me) she said she had lost interest in our relationship and seemed generally upset. He was a mutual acquaintance we both knew from an online hobby (a game). Suddenly she had lost interest in me though we had an increasing amount of sex. I later found out she thought of him when we had sex some of these times (she didn't volunteer this information, I asked point blank expecting a "no"). After talking to her I drew my own conclusion that she was naïve, opened up to him, and he took advantage of her, first talking about how things were generally, and slowly transforming her opinion of our relationship to think it would never work.

Now I am finding myself 16 months past this, and I can't let go. We've talked about it, I know everything she remembers (or everything she will tell me). She says everything is ok, seems truly remorseful, but I can't let go of what she did. I can't help but think 1, 5, 10, 20 or even 30+ years down the road how I will feel about my decision to stay with her should she do this again. My problem is that I cannot let go of this event. I enjoy time spent with her and we rarely argue. We enjoy many of the same foods & music, have similar goals, and basically want the same things out of life. Unfortunately, I can't truly forgive her for what she did to me, and this event feels like a wound that refuses to heal. I have only brought this up once or twice (and never during an argument) since it happened, but I feel like I get nowhere (despite both sides trying) when we talk about it; the only thing that changes is her going from happy to upset. I want to forgive her, but it feels like an impossible obstacle to overcome. I know it's silly in comparison to someone actually physically cheating, but had that been the case, we would almost certainly be over. I'm not sure how I can cope with this, many people have told me I'm being silly and should continue the relationship, but I can't seem to get myself to see it that way. Now I see her spending extra time on school, doing the right thing and possibly lining herself up for a job once her school completes, and I can't help but wonder if she's cheating (my logical self tells me it's not the case, but if I don't actually see her all day, I feel like I simply don't know).

Dear Reader:

The reason you can't let go of your hurt and betrayal is that you and your girlfriend have not healed the wound in your relationship. I strongly recommend that you get therapy. You both sound a little immature emotionally to me, and couples counseling would help you fix this problem and also deal with the other issues in your relationship. You don't need to be able to open up to just anyone, but you do need to be able to talk openly with your partner. On-and-off sex can also indicate a problem, especially if one or both of you is dissatisfied with your sexual relationship. Your girlfriend developed a crush, a temporary obsession with the fantasy relationship she had with the other man. It's easy to get swept up in fantasy, because it is so much more perfect than real life. She's still with you, which is a good sign. Have you ever considered learning her language? The fact that he could speak Spanish was probably part of what she was longing for.  Have you considered learning your girlfriend's language? It could be a way to bond if she helps you learn Spanish.

You two need to develop a partnership; not just hang out together. To build partnership, you must develop mutuality. That is, to care about each other's wants and needs, and work together to make both of you happy. Your relationship must have a lot of good in it, or you wouldn't still be together. Build on the good things.  "Handling The Green-Eyed Monster"; will help both of you understand how to deal with jealousy,   "Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner" will help you communicate, and "Stupid Cupid" will give you important questions to ask and answer together.  Reading and discussing them together should help you and your girlfriend solve your problems.

How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together is a manual you can use together to learn healthier relationship skills.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: my wife has control and anger problems

Dear Dr. Romance:

I saw your articles from your web site and was really impressed with your thoughts on relationships! I've been married for 18 years with 3 children. I am a very active Dad (Basketball/baseball coach for all of them) but my marriage has been very unhealthy for most of the marriage. My wife and I have had our time with therapy and her therapist stated that she had obsessive-compulsive disorder, but my wife also has control and anger problems! One example is, she actually got into my face and yelled at me when I was cleaning the dishes - All because I she wanted me to use the dishwasher. Once, my oldest son told her during their argument that my psoriasis was caused by her. Yes, when she manipulates, gives me the finger for whatever reason, twists my words around so we can't talk and discuss things rationally, the itching is more severe and persistent with my psoriasis sores. My problem is my children's adjustment if I leave and myself trying to cope with the poor friend of the court visitation schedule!

Dear Reader:

You said you and your wife were in therapy, but have you gone to therapy yourself? Please try either therapy or Co-Dependents Anonymous to get help in dealing better with your wife and her problems. If you do need to get a divorce, you'll need some expert help in how to go about it. You also need to know that you did everything you could to make the marriage work. It sounds as if you're being passive/aggressive in the face of your wife's OCD. She needs help (OCD is curable) and so do you.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will help you and your wife learn to work together, and  "Guidelines for finding and using Therapy Wisely"  will help you make sure you're seeing the right therapist.  You're right that divorce will be difficult for your children and yourself.  It's worthwhile to work on the problems to see if they can be fixed.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I just recently dated a man with a violent past.

Dear Dr. Romance:
 
I just recently dated a man with a violent past. I didn't know that he was like that until I found out he was wanted by the police and arrested for  assault  and battery with a  deadly weapon. He lied to me about his name and his past. We write to each other every now and then. I know its time for me to let go but I'm having trouble deciding on how to tell him to stop writing me. I also made the mistake of sending him my picture and now that my rational side is taking over I now realize my folly. Do you have any ideas? He knows where I currently live so I need to be careful on how I end things. I already told him  that I would not be there romantically for him when he gets released and  that  all I could offer him is friendship. He also knows that I will be working at Mass General so I could be easily found even though I plan on moving from my current living situation.
 
Dear Reader:

You did make a dangerous mistake, especially with a man who has transgressed enough to wind up in prison.  Your best bet is to tell him you've met someone else, and hope he moves on to someone else.  Say that your new boyfriend is the jealous type, and you can not be friends with him.  You can set this up over a couple of letters, if you think he'll believe it more. When you move, do not leave a forwarding address, or forward your mail to a P.O. Box. Change your phone number, and don't make it easy to trace you.  If he shows up at your work, or calls you there, you'll have to tell your superiors about the problem, and get a restraining order.  Don't mess around with this, don't worry about hurting his feelings.  Just end it cleanly.  A violent men will not understand that you just don't want to hurt his feelings. Anything less than a very clear "you must not contact me" will seem like an invitation to him.  If you met him online, re-think what you're doing to meet men.   "Family Violence Q&A; " "Friends in Need: Interventions for Domestic Violence;" and "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship" will help you change your idea of what a relationship should be. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand why you feel powerless about him, and how to change that.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance on Self-Reliance and Independence

"As the price of liberty is vigilance -- so the price of independence is self-determination, the price of dignity is self-assertion, and the price of respect is self-respect," wrote psychiatrist Dr. Thomas Szasz.

Dr. Romance knows that self-determination and self-respect are the necessary keys most unhappy people need to grasp the concept of taking full responsibility for and control over their own lives. Until they find this key, dissatisfied people dream that there is someone else who can make "it better", who can take total care of you, who can be responsible for you more effectively than you can yourself.

We have this dream for two reasons: 1) when we were little our parents led us to believe that someone would take care of us and make it better; 2) unaware parents failed to teach us the skills necessary to take care of and feel capable of being responsible for ourselves. Self-Reliance and happiness begins when we realize how false and destructive this dream is; when we understand that no one can take care of us better and that only we are responsible for our lives; and when we start to learn effective methods for doing these things ourselves.

By developing self-reliance and independence, which is the ability to take care of and be responsible for yourself, you acquire:

(1) The emotional tools necessary to free yourself from dependency.  To be responsible is to be able to make effective decisions and choices for yourself, to weigh alternatives, and to evaluate ethical dilemmas and solve problems. When a problem arises, the independent person has acquired the skills it takes to face it squarely, learns as much as possible about it, considers many options, weighs the possible outcome of each option, and perhaps seeks advice and counsel before reaching a decision. As independent and self-reliant person, you can ask directly for help, but you remain in charge of how much and what kind of help you accept, and you make clear agreements about what is expected in return.

(2) When you develop self-reliance and independence within yourself, you also are developing the role models that enable you to choose appropriate friends and a suitable mate. The interaction you have with yourself is a role model for all your other relationships. For example, if you criticize yourself frequently, you're more likely to stay around others who are critical, because it feels familiar. Likewise, self-reliance and independence in yourself also helps you see it in others. When you have a caring, responsible relationship with yourself, you develop an internal relationship model to use as a basis for your friendships and intimate relationships with others. As you become more experienced at identifying healthy friendships, your circle of good friends grows -- beginning with your relationship with yourself, expanding to a few new friends, and eventually growing into a supportive "family" of choice who reinforce your autonomy and independence.

And (3) the understanding that you are responsible for yourself and must learn whatever you need to make your life successful, functional and happy; rather than waiting around for someone else, or trying to gain another's approval.

Taking care of and being responsible for yourself requires skills that are usually learned in early childhood. However, we don't always get the healthy positive examples we need, so we grow up without the necessary learning.  This is not unusual, or entirely the fault of our parents. If you were gradually taught and encouraged to be self-reliant from early childhood, you would learn the necessary skills and attitudes for autonomous living one step at a time. Unfortunately for many of us, our parents were not trained in autonomy either, and could not teach us.

Even the popular idea of parents' "responsibility" for children can be counter-productive. Parents who see their role as controlling their offspring rather than teaching them to make choices on their own, teaches the children dependency rather than independence. 

Another reason self-reliance an seem difficult is because most of our society actively discourages it. Media images of love and caring, a parental "I know what's best for you" attitude among helping professionals, religious and political figures, and the generally accepted idea of parents' "duty" create an atmosphere in which independence appears to be selfish and alien. We are taught to value caring for others to the point of martyrdom, and to regard caring for ourselves as "self-centered" and "egotistic". 

Children who don't learn self-love and self-control (rather than guilt and duty) become dependent and insecure adults. Those children who are taught self-reliance and independence and therefore take care of themselves are viewed with disbelief (she can't be that good) suspicion (yes, but if we only knew...) and envy (some people have all the luck) by the others.

Recovery programs are challenging these social attitudes by defining caring for others without regard for self as "codependency" and "enabling". Twelve-Step programs such as ACA and Al-Anon have popularized a concept long established in psychology theory: that it is unhealthy to be too dependent on another. However, while all these have indicated that dependency is unhealthy, they haven't yet learned to value self-reliance.

Contrary to these beliefs, self-reliance and independence actually enhance relationships with others, and allow giving and receiving to be truly unconditional. Only a person who is fully able to care for him or herself can be free to love and give freely; deprived people give grudgingly. 

As children, our natural curiosity is powerful. In fact, young children are small "learning machines". Their whole being is focused on learning through their five senses. Research shows that children are "turned on" by situations in which they can learn. Their bodies produce hormones such as adrenaline and endorphins -- natural substances that produce a "natural high" -- the body's own, internal motivation and reward system for learning.

When faced with a new experience, as long as they feel safe and unthreatened, young children are highly motivated to explore and learn. Secure toddlers are irresistibly drawn to bright colors, new sounds, and new experiences -- they find your jingling car keys fascinating. To a child who has supportive, loving, functional parents, the world is a fun, safe place to be, and learning is exciting, and exhilarating. Children who feel secure are compelled by their joy in learning to venture forth, to begin to take small risks, and begin to act independently of their parents. It is in taking these risks, under parental supervision and support at first, and increasingly independently as the child grows older, that the necessary skills of self-reliance are first learned.

Independence grows out of these healthy learning experiences. Through taking risks, we learn how to solve problems, and also how to deal effectively with disappointment and failure. When we have learned these skills, our experiences with life are successful, producing confidence that we can rely on ourselves to experiment, to solve new problems we encounter, and to comfort our disappointment and correct our mistakes. When we know these things, we know we can take care of ourselves.

Frightened, insecure children, on the other hand, are dependent on the adults around them. Their world is too insecure to risk, and they look to others to solve their problems and care for their feelings. Being unaware of your motives, feelings, wants and internal dialogue leaves you out of control, unable to figure out how to satisfy yourself. It is, indeed as though you don't own your life, as though someone else must run it.

A solid sense of self means knowing your sensitivity and capacity, being realistic about it, and acting accordingly. To possess our own lives is the work taught in The Real 13th Step.

Excerpted from: The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs   

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My brothers did not like my choice

Dear Dr. Romance,

I am a PhD student in Computer Science and Mathematics in Europe.  I am interested in your blog which helps to a lot of people to find the best solution in their lives.   I have also some problems in my private life. I would be very grateful if you could give me some advice.

I met my girlfriend here in the Master studies program. We have the same language and religion. We started a  relationship.  She is very clever, educated, looking good and nice. We had a good time together until we graduated. She left and I got a position as a PhD student here. Now, she is working in another country. She is four years older than me. I was her first sexual partner.  Finally, we decided to marry, since we loved and respect each other. As appropriate in our culture, first we told our parents. They were also glad of our relation and final decision, but my brothers did not like my choice and they started to complain all the time. They say that I am young, educated, have a good financial position, and I can find some young beautiful girl. For me the age difference was not a problem, I did not even think about it, because my fiancée looks very young and nobody can feel this difference when we are together. Then, my brothers started forcing me via phone and mail. Now, I feel some strange feelings inside me, and it disturbs me all the time. I started to dream bad dreams and bad thoughts that is unusual. I dream of my future: I am old and my fiancée is too older than me, everybody is laughing to me, etc. I never thought that somebody's opinion will influence on my mind. If I listen to my brothers, first I will disappoint my fiancée, and second who knows, I might not find somebody like her, I never met a girl with good mind and nice like her. But, maybe my brothers are right and I will have a problem in the future.

What should I do, which way is the best way of the solving this problem, will it be any problem of this marriage?

Dear Reader:

I'm afraid your brothers don't sound like they have your best interests in mind. They're just reacting out of prejudice.   I don't know why you're listening to them.

If you have had a good relationship with this woman, and have developed a good connection, and even your parents like her, why let your brothers' opinions matter? It sounds like they are jealous. I suggest you tell them to stop saying bad things about your fiancée. Perhaps you could get your parents to help you stop your brothers' bad behavior. It's not easy to find a person with whom you are compatible, and if you and your fiancée love each other, you should value that.   "Coping with Critics" gives better ways to deal with your brothers, and "Stupid Cupid" will help you sort through your real fears about marriage with your fiancée.

How to be Happy Partners Working it out Together will help you understand what being married is about, and give you tools you can use.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Can a person refall in love again?

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I  would like to know if you think a person  can refall in love again?

Dear Reader:

I'm not sure what you're asking. If you mean can you fall in love again with the same person, the answer is yes.  In fact, that's a necessary part of long-term relationships.  We need to fall in love over and over again. If you eliminate whatever is in the way of caring for each other, and both people are willing, it can and will happen.   "Guidelines for Dating Your Ex" will show you how to do it safely. 

However, if one partner is not interested in falling in love again, it won't work.  You cannot coerce someone into loving you. 

"Stop Reacting and Start Relating" will show you how to keep your communication healthy, which is the basis for a good relationship.  "Guidelines for Being Better Understood" will teach you how to speak in such a way that you can be heard, and It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you sort out your confusion about love and relationships.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com 

Dear Dr. Romance: I got upset when he said he wants to stop fornicating with me

Dear Dr. Romance:

 My male friend likes to look at good looking women a second time and more and if the woman is looking at him, he will stare at her. I have a friend that is nine years younger than I am. I am the age of his older brother. We have been seeing each other for two and a half years. Since a year ago, he wanted to stop having intercourse, which we were having on weekends only. I got upset when he said he wants to stop fornicating with me because it is a sin. I am a Christian and I know that is not good to have sex with someone you are not married to.  He says he cannot marry me because of the way I raised my kids (that I cannot say no to them, according to him.) Then, now he said I should not go to his house on weekends because he has to grade papers. He is getting a teaching certificate, and I am getting one. I have not found a job yet, and he says, it could be that God will not get me a job until I change my heart and stop wanting to fornication with him.I have asked God for forgiveness and strength, and asked that my friends heart be changed to see marriage as a good thing. I think he is afraid of commitment. He is kind of controlling.  Let me know what you think.

Dear Reader

The fact that you're calling it fornication tells me you don't feel it's the right thing for you to do.  I'm afraid he's done with you, and he doesn't have the guts to tell you outright. So, he's dropping hints and hoping you'll catch on. I'm guessing he's already involved with someone else, which is why he doesn't want to see you on weekends.

Let go. If he really wants you, make him come after you. Focus on enjoying what's good in your life, church, family, friends. You don't need someone who doesn't act like he cares about you.  You deserve love and happiness, and a relationship you don't have to be ashamed of. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you find a better partner. "When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships" will help you form a better idea of what relationships should be like.   "Where is Love?" and "Dating: the Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will show you how to find real love in your life.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm going insane in my relationship

Dear Dr. Romance 

I read "What Is A Dysfunctional Relationship?", and it makes a lot of sense...I have a questions though? I'm unsure where to go get a little advice. I'm 22 yrs. old and think that I'm going insane in my relationship...How'd you help me...may I get a little advice?  I NEED HELP

Dear Reader:

You aren't giving me much information to go on.  Try reading the many articles on my website for more relationship information.  "Guidelines for Being Better Understood"  and "Guidelines for finding and using therapy wisely" will be very helpful for you.

Think carefully about how you're communicating with your partner.  You need to be clear about what you want, and what you're trying to express.  Your partner can't work with you to improve the relationship if you aren't clear about what's wrong. If you think your relationship is dysfunctional, How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will help you and your partner work together to understand each other.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com 

Dr. Romance asks: Are you addicted to your smart phone?

Recently, clients have been coming to Dr. Romance with questions about their cell phone use: either it is creating a problem in a relationship, or with getting work done, or even health problems.  Here's how to tell if you have cell phone addiction; and what to do about it.

Addiction/Compulsion is defined by how much it interferes with your life. If you can't control your use, it's important to get treatment for the addiction, even if it's your smart phone. When the level of your phone use means you neglect or have problems with your family, your social life, your health, you are likely to be addicted. If your family constantly complains that you're on the phone too much, or you don't get out for social events or to exercise, your smart phone use is excessive, and probably addictive.

The difference between a healthy phone use vs. addiction is that healthy smart phone use can be controlled. If Wi-Fi, smartphone or charging station is unavailable, it is disappointing but not devastating. When addicted, the phone user feels desperate to have his or her phone outlet, no matter the cost.

Ask yourself these questions to determine if you might be addicted to your smart phone and neglecting other aspects of your life:
Can I set reasonable limits on my phone time?
Am I on the phone long hours for no extra pay or non-work reasons?
Do I have some time for exercise?
Do I get enough sleep?
Do I have time for family and friends?
Am I endangering myself by texting while driving or in other perilous situations?
Am I ruining my relationships by compulsively sexting?
Am I unable to commit to a relationship because I’m constantly using an app like eHarmony, Zoosk, Match.com or EliteSingles?

Realize that the often sedentary nature of phone addiction means if you spend too long at it without breaks, you’ll damage your body and be at risk for repetitive stress injuries (carpal tunnel) and the isolation is also bad for your health. Some of the problems such as slouching over the phone for hours, which strains the neck and back muscles; eyestrain, blurred vision, dizziness, and dry eyes caused by squinting; headaches and even migraines. Another health effect is finger cramping and sore hand muscles that come from continuous scrolling, texting, and gaming on smartphones. Which can cause inflammation in tendons, and possibly lead to tendinitis and carpal tunnel syndrome. People have also experienced phantom smartphone vibrations when their phones were not actually vibrating or not even in their pockets.

To overcome smart phone addictions, find a Twelve-step program like Internet & Tech Addicts Anonymous (ITAA) www.netaddictionanon.org/.  Therapy, in conjunction with a Twelve-Step program, can be very helpful, not only in overcoming your smart phone addiction, but also in healing your underlying motivators, the relationships that have been damaged, and even your success at work.

The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs (Digital Parchment) Offers powerful help in recovering from smart phone or other addiction  Available on Kindle for your smart phone.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Older men and younger women

Dear Dr. Romance:

I enjoyed your article regarding younger men and older women; but what about older men and younger women who fall in love?  What is to be said about that?  I am in my 40s (and in my prime), and I have met the most wonderful woman in my entire life -- in her 30s.  We have fallen in love, and it has been all through online, and we have not even been together yet, but plan to be soon...   A friend of mine I recently discovered has a similar scenario.  Possibly you have an article on this published that I can read, as I was wondering the philosophy behind this younger woman dating an older man approach....

Dear Reader:

Whether or not a relationship is healthy is not determined by age differences, but by the interaction between the partners. A ten-year difference is not too difficult to bridge, but differences of twenty years or more in age can lead to some difficulties as the partners get older.

For example, the younger partner may mature and reconsider his or her choices, or an older partner may confront aging problems much sooner. As long as both parties are adult, and the couple have talked about the age difference and the future possibilities, I don't make judgements about their ages.

The reasons for dating someone of a different chronological age are myriad, and often go back to childhood. There are healthy and unhealthy reasons to date someone of a different generation. One motivation for dating a younger person that usually isn't successful would be fear of aging on the older person's part. Obviously, a man or woman who dates someone as young as his or her children is going to run into some social opposition, but the differences that can cause the most problems are differing maturity levels.

Success in such relationships depends on what the motivations of both people are. Some older people feel younger at heart than their contemporaries, and like to date people who are as active as we are. Chronological age doesn't always reflect either physical capability or emotional maturity. Sometimes an age difference is a mentoring relationship: the older person advises the younger one on life or career. This can backfire when the younger person decides he or she has learned enough, and wants to move on.

Since you and your lady friend haven't yet met face to face,  "Guidelines for Successful Dating" might be helpful. Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differencescan help both of you negotiate any challenges that arise in your relationship.  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: They said "Go help somebody, you selfish jerk"

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am an addict. long term. I've had some time in NA running what I thought, and what others even so much reinforced, that when I began to feel like I needed to "leave the nest" a little  (at about five years sobriety), I copped all kinds of flack from other members, and I had a really  hard time getting anything in my life to "work". But after having arrived at NA in '99 smashed  into tiny pieces from a years-long bout with heroin addiction, the  program helped me put those pieces back together. and pretty well I  might add. but after a while I felt like I was still a bit "sick"  and I could not figure out why.

I began to become very frightened. a long and slow progression into  hell followed, and I couldn't seem to find any answers with my AA  colleagues. "Go help somebody, you selfish jerk", was the usual  party line.

Well, I relapsed; again and again since then. It's been about two  years "out" now. today, I'm pretty shot out, I know I have to stop, but I haven't been able to. so on Saturday, I am going to check out a methadone maintenance  program for a while. god knows I don't want to be on that stuff forever, but it feels like  my nervous system is so raked, that there's no way I could hold on any other way. but I'll  still be left with me. and that's the part that I know is going be the most difficult.

I found your book (actually, my father did.), The Real 13th Step, and it sounds like me talking, when I was still sober and feeling kinda okay.

The point is, i need some therapy, because no matter what i do, I'm  still always left with the real problem, me, and all the guilt, shame, lack of true confidence, you name it! And there is no torture worse than knowing you are a bright, bright  star, but not allowed to shine.

thank you for your patience with my long letter.

Dear Reader;

I'm sorry you've had such a difficult journey.  Clearly internal pain is a big component of addiction, especially to hard drugs. It's often a way to self-medicate the pain of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, the residual memories of a painful event, or events.  Methadone maintenance is a helpful way to transition from heroin addiction to sobriety, but it doesn't eliminate the emotional problems underlying the compulsion.  Cleaning up from drug addiction is a layered process.  One must get past the physical addiction: the body's dependence on and cravings for the drug.  That's what usually happens in detox.

Then, there's the habit problem: the brain patterns established while using the drug.  Habits are powerful; we need them so we don't have to decide each move we make every day.  However, there are healthy habits and destructive habits.  Addiction, of course, involves a lot of destructive habits. One must learn to replace the destructive habits with healthy ones.  That's one focus of twelve-step programs, like Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous.  The program helps you replace destructive patterns with the twelve steps, which are much more constructive. The twelfth step requires giving back to others, which replaces the destructive self-involved habits of addiction. 

One must also replace destructive social environments (like hanging out with druggie friends) with more constructive associations. Twelve-step programs provide this through having many group meetings you can attend every week, which gives you social contact and support in addition to the twelve-step learning process.  In the meetings, you are also exposed to the experiences and stories of other addicts who've successfully become clean.  Because relapse is so pernicious in recovery, twelve-step programs emphasize that you are never cured; relapse is always a possibility, so they say "keep coming back; it works."

What the twelve step programs are not really about is healing the inner pain. That requires deep therapy, which is what The Real 13th Step: Developing Confidence, Self-reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve-Step Programs, teaches.

 

You can use the exercises in it with your therapist, or as an adjunct to your twelve-step group, with your sponsor.  I wrote it when because so many twelve-step members came to me looking for the same things you are seeking. To make your relationships, your work, and your life function properly you need skills and healing beyond getting clean and sober.  The Real 13th Step supports and enhances twelve-step work while giving you the extra deep recovery insight you need.   

I encourage you to find a therapist, and to get back into studying the twelve steps.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a therapist who is knowledgeable.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Will my self-improvement end my relationship?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Yesterday I purchased your book It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

  I plan to read it intently and to complete the exercises with self-honesty and motivation. I have a few questions, though, which I need to preface with a short synopsis of my situation.

I'm a 45-year-old divorced woman who has been dating a similarly-aged man for over three years. This man is not without his flaws, of course, but is someone with whom I share a solid friendship, have a ton of respect for, and genuinely love.

Unfortunately, I'm a hair's-breadth away from irreparably ruining this relationship. A few days ago I pinpointed why: I lack the ability to exhibit the empathy and compassion necessary to sustain a mature relationship. I recognize no one's needs but my own; I fight to win; I offer solutions while dismissing feelings; etc., etc., etc. I believe that my shortcomings arise not from some inherent defectiveness, but from long-standing habits which I developed to survive my childhood and to thereafter fight against my past and "make something of myself" as an adult. Accordingly, I also believe that with a bit of work  (i.e., the assistance of your book)  I can become the empathic partner (person) I'd like to be.

But I have three questions for you. The first, I realize, can only be answered hypothetically: Do you think I can stop my destructive patterns quickly and effectively enough to ensure I won't cause additional damage to my already-rocky relationship, or would you advise me to be on my own until I'm confident I will no longer engage in these behaviors?

Second, do you think it's realistically possible for one to successfully establish -- and maintain -- new patterns in a relationship that's been in a dysfunctional "groove" for years? And my third question is along the same line: I know it's possible, but is it probable that my self-improvement will actually end the relationship? In other words, doesn't the drama, tension, and sabotage that I bring to this relationship have some payoff for him? And if so, isn't it likely that as I become healthier he'll unconsciously "ramp up" his own baggage (for lack of a better word) to keep things at status quo?

Thanks a lot for your help.

Dear Reader:

Good for you! You have made the first, big step: taking responsibility for your behaviors, thoughts, and words. I am proud of you for that. Here are the answers to your questions:

Stopping your old behavior won't be instant, but if you tell your partner what you told me, and let him know you see the need for change, and are working on it, he might be patient enough to hang in there with you. If he does still care enough to give you a chance, and he then sees that you are changing, that should be enough to keep him involved. Because you need to change your patterns in relationship to him, I don't think leaving would help.

Yes, I know it's possible to successfully establish and maintain new patterns in a relationship. I see it every day in my counseling practice. Each of you has overcome other bad habits in life, and learned new behaviors. You can do this, too. Often, the reason we keep doing what doesn't work is that we don't have a clue what will work better.  The realization that you need to change is the most important part.  Now that you're getting a clue, you'll see that the new behaviors work well enough to be self-motivating.

You are wise to consider that your self-improvement will actually end the relationship; it's all a normal part of change, and part of the rocky road you go through to create lasting change. Yes, this relationship might not survive the change process, and it's even possible that as you make changes, you'll start to see his involvement in the "sabotage:"  damaging a relationship takes two. Whatever happens, you're telling me that this relationship is damaged and not likely to last as it is, so it will either improve or end. Even if it ends, you'll have learned much better relating skills and techniques, and improved your relationship with yourself (which is what your relationship with anyone else is based on) so all future relationships will work better. That means, if this doesn't work out, you'll be better equipped to find the right partner and develop a healthy relationship. Doing this work means you can't lose -- the outcome is always better.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together  will teach you and your partner the skills you need to be happy together.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com