Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm married and I still can't forget about my first love

Dear Dr. Romance:

I don't even know where to start: I just did the most stupid thing alive!! I sent the man I can't forget a text message; and he did not reply. I don't think he wants to speak to me. He knows I'm married.

I was 20 years old when I fell in love with him. I was since puberty very shy about myself because I did not develop like any other teenager breast and up to this day have never got my periods. At the age of 22 I found out I could never get any children and that I was born intersexual. When I fell in love with this guy I feared men although I so much wanted to be loved. All my friends had boyfriends and I was always the odd one out. When my cousin hooked me up with him I was so scared of rejection when he feels that I barely have any breasts, but at that point I was already in love with him. You know I totally messed up my chances with him.

My feelings was overwhelming for him, when he was in my company I was so dumbstruck by his presence I could not even utter a word. My fear entirely took over and made me the most stuck up person alive in front of him. I'm funny. Loved by many; had so many friends. But when he entered the room I turned into this person I despised.

He was the first guy I ever kissed (at the age of 20) he was the first guy I allowed to touch me and he was the first guy I gave my heart to. But he was also the guy that could not commit to me. Up to this day I still don't know if he ever loved me or was really interested. After 4 years of trying my best to be near him I realized that I need to move on from all this pain.
 
10 years later I still think of him daily. I'm in my 30s, married 3 years and I still can't stop thinking about him. Am I obsessed about this man or is it true love? He was always so nice to me. He treated me with respect and never used me in any way. There was just something between me and him. I remember him as a very confident person and would make a lot of jokes when he was with a bunch of friends. But with me he was so different. Now I could see that he was actually very shy and little for words when I was around. To the outside world I was a very confident person and very successful in my work. I had my own car and at that stage he was unemployed. I never told him about my sexual issues and to him I was normal with no issues.

There was so much that happened. I could write a book. But one thing is for sure: I can't forget about him. My husband is very sweet and don't deserve this. But we are so different. I don't want to hurt him; but how can I stay with him when I constantly think of somebody else. He wont communicate with me while I am married. And if he ever felt anything for me is still an unanswered question.

My inter sexuality did not even affect me thus much. The saddest part of this whole ordeal is the fact he will never know the extend of my affection for him. How much pain I  experienced and that up to this day I still have feelings for him.

Dear Reader:

It sounds as if you have never let go of your first love, because loving him filled a fantasy and made you feel better about yourself.  You need to accept who you are, accept that your husband loves you, and let your first love go.  Continuing to stay focused in the past would be a disaster.  Create a little ceremony, where you destroy something, a picture, a letter or some little memento that symbolizes this first love.  Do your grieving, say goodbye, and put that in your past. Then focus on creating something good with your husband.  You can still have a nice life.  "Letting Go Takes Love" will help you through this, and "Getting Out of Your Own Way" will help you with self-esteem. Then focus on loving yourself.  "You Are a Gift" and "Your Bestest Friend - You" will help you recognize and develop your relationship to yourself.

It Ends with You: Grow up and out of Dysfunction helps you to resolve childhood pain and trauma, and reclaim your sense of self, so you can focus on rebuilding your life and your marriage.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Am I Insane?

Dear Dr Romance,

I seek some understanding & hope that you will be able to help. I think that I don't know what love is & it has me in constant turmoil. I married when I was 23 yrs old & have 2 beautiful children. Regrettably, the marriage ended in divorce.  I am American & I was used for a green card. I was not aware of such things in life.  The cruelty that exist amongst men. Not only was I used in such a way, he was also a cheater & a drunk. Yes, I know...I did not do my homework. But, believe it or not.  I would not have known what to look for. I was very naïve in believing everything that was told to me.

Later in life, I met Edward, who I started to have a life with.  By then, my children were 6 & 9.  Please note, that I divorced shortly after my children were just 1 & 3. So, imagine my excitement to have found what I thought was a good man.  I became pregnant rather quickly, so now I have 3 children.  I had stopped working when I was pregnant & began to take notice of things.  Not only did I take notice of things but our relationship started to deteriorate.  I prayed & played the good wife in an attempt to save my relationship.  After all, I was going to have another child.  I did not want to be alone with 3 children.  I did not want to break the stability that I had found.  But, things did get out of control & turned out really bad.  To the extent where my children would hide in their rooms, when he came home from work.  My older children are very bright, smart & normal in every sense of the word.  It broke my heart to see that our relationship was hurting my children.  I spoke to him about going to a marriage counselor, but he refused.  I didn't feel loved anymore.  I didn't feel that he cared.  He didn't care. 

He was too consumed with smoking pot to realize anything.  Therefore, I made a decision. Found a job & left him.

At the job a special co-worker started to pursue me...and eventually I fell for him.  I fell deeply in LOVE.  He's an older man.  10 yrs my senior.  Wow, if I had known how much better it was to be with an older man.

He was so loving & charming.  He taught me plenty.  He loved my children & my children loved him.  He's a divorced man with 3 children of his own.  He knew how to talk to us & how to treat us.  He was gentle & kind.  Very romantic too.  I had never met a man like this.  I felt like a Queen.  He didn't have money, so that started to become a problem for me, since I was always paying for all of us.  It kinda reminded me of my 1st husband.  Was I paying to be treated so lovingly in return?  I started to get nervous & have my doubts.  This man had even proposed, in front of my family with a beautiful ring...in which I had accepted.  Even though...I wasn't too sure. 

I was scared.  In the meantime, my Ex-boyfriend Edward went crazy & wanted us back.  He cried so much & apologized with such profoundness.  He had stopped with the drugs & was so very sorry.  He said he didn't know what he had.  He didn't appreciate the family that he had.  He had always been alone & it had been difficult for him to adjust to me, the kids & a new baby.  My youngest son, his son who was 2yrs old...would cry forever & ever it seemed.  He wanted his father.  They were both hurting & I started to hurt.  I had not experienced  such a thing with my older children.  I was in pain.  Torn between 2 people.  My new love was becoming very jealous & concerned.  I guess, he had every right to be.  but, his jealousy & controlling ways just pushed me farther away. Made me more suspicious of him.

In summary.  I left my new love & started down the road towards recovery with my ex.  The father of my youngest child.  After a year had passed...not yet living together...we decided that it was time to be as one again.  I was exhausted.  Being alone with the 3 children was so much work & I felt at peace with him.  I was happy.  I wanted to be with him.  He indeed did change & he proved it, time & time again.  We bought a house & we're soon to be married.  I wanted a ceremony in which my children...will see their mom getting married at last.  Our house is beautiful.  The children are happy.  We are happy.  We live in a beautiful town & everything seemed perfect.  I say seemed because...I'm still at the same company where I had found that new love & he still works here too.

I've tried so hard to ignore him.  He leaves me messages, notes, voice mails & mails...telling me that I've made a mistake.  That he loves me so & is suffering.  That Edward is not that  man for me.  That HE is.  He is my soulmate.  The only man that truly understands me.  I've threated to go to the owner of the company & complain.  He'll stop for a little while & start all over again.

Tells me how beautiful I am.  How incredibly sexy he finds me.  How he wishes to kiss me.  He's even went as far as to tell me that he will be my lover...if he cannot have me any other way.  

I can't stop thinking about him.  He's in my thoughts, in my dreams.  I miss him so.  but, how can this be?  I was so sure of what I had decided to do.  I've even gone to therapy to help me sort things out & things were sorted out; so I thought.  Is my mind playing games?  I cannot leave this job I need the income.  I need exactly what I make or more.  I already travel 1-1/2 hours to work. There is nothing for me where I live. I suffer silently although HE knows how I truly feel. We somehow made a bond that's been difficult to break.  I feel connected to him.  Deeply connected.

Please tell me what you think of this whole story.  Am I insane?

Dear Reader:

You are definitely not insane; you're just not thinking clearly.  From your letter, it appears that you've been going from relationship to relationship without a clear idea of what you want, or what love and partnership are.  You have always tried to figure out your partner -- not your self.

You are still focused on what the men in your life want.  I know it's flattering to have two men interested in you, but how about getting interested in yourself?  

You have only one question to answer.  What do you want?  Translate that question to  mean: What will work best for you, give you the best result?  Stop looking at love like a little Cinderella waiting for her prince to come along; and start looking at it through the eyes of a grown-up mom with three kids.  When you have considered it from your own point of view, including taking care of your own children, you will know who you want to be with.

Once you know who you want to be with, then it's only a matter of telling the truth to both men.  Be as clear as you can, and then cut off communication with the man you don't choose, so he can move on with his life, and you and your partner can move on with your relationship. "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" will help you understand what is acceptable in a relationship and what is not.   "How to Handle a Bad Breakup" will help you let go of anyone you end it with.   "Your Primary Relationship" will help you find what you're looking for inside.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of  Dysfunction has all the information and exercises you need to sort out your relationship with yourself, which will give you the basis for all other relationships.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I caught him at the movies with her

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been married for 15 years. At the present time we are seeing a Marriage counselor for our really rocky marriage. I know its going to take some time. We are working on trust, understanding, caring, appreciation, and a few others, all the essentials of a marriage. But a new problem surfaced. I am having a really hard time with the fact that my husband has been hanging out with a female coworker and I caught him at the movies with her. She is also married, and I think they they became emotionally attached. Is there such thing as an emotional affair? How do I bring this up to the counselor. Does it sound like the marriage and counseling is working for us?

Since my husband did deny being at the movies, but he couldn't get out of this one since I caught him there. He confessed the rest. But he swears nothing sexual happened, at this point it is hard to take anything he says at face value. Should I confront the other woman? I mean in a civil way of course. Maybe she may be aware of it through my husband, but would she back off if I told her where she stands? My husband is willing to drop her as a friend. He promised me, but I've read enough stories on this, and I'm scared to loose this battle we have been fighting for 5 years now with his alcohol addiction. He says the only reason he accepted her as friend is because both of them were going through problems in their marriage. But I don't believe that either. How can two people of the opposite sex and married become close friends? I think this women has different intentions. And is my husband lying to me? Please help me out.

Turning to his family for emotional support is not an option, they stopped talking to me 4 months ago, since he went into detox for his alcoholism plus he was telling them that he was very unhappy in our marriage. His sister and mom only call him at work or on his cell phone, the one his dad got for him. They constantly want to know what is going on in our lives now. I asked him not to confide in them about our problems. But he blabbers all our problems to them and keeps them up to date. My family is supportive and my parents don't get involved. If I want them to know anything, I tell them, sure they ask how I'm doing but never ask how is everything between my husband and I. Its up to me not to let them know everything. Only when I'm feeling really depressed and down on the dumps.

Dear Reader:

It's difficult for me to tell, when I don't know you or your husband, how serious this problem is, or if it's a problem at all.  You say your marriage has been really rocky, and that is the type of situation that tempts someone to stray.  His going to the movies with this other woman is not so bad in itself, but lying to you about it is a very bad sign.  I would definitely tell the counselor what you found out.  How did you catch him? If you were suspicious, and trying to catch him, that says something about what your intuition is telling you.  Listen to it. 

Addiction usually involves a lot of lying, so if your husband is addicted, he may be very practiced at it, and he may also be lying to himself.  Hopefully, your counselor is familiar with the problems of addiction, and has encouraged your husband to attend Alcoholics Anonymous.  You would greatly benefit from attending Al-Anon,  for spouses of Alcoholics.  You'll learn a lot about all these issues, and what to do about them.  I'm not sure how your husband could really break off his friendship with this woman, if she is a co-worker.  In addition to marriage counseling, I think you could use the support and guidance of therapy for yourself. Ask your counselor for an individual appointment, or a referral.   It seems that you have set yourself against his family, which is not a good idea.  You need them to support your marriage, not help it disintegrate.   "Mirrors and Teachers"  and "Family Relationships" will help you interact better with his family members.

The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance, and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs has the exercises and information you and your husband need to deal with the fallout effects of addiction and recovery.

    

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Happy New Year from Dr. Romance!

 Dr. Romance on creating a Happy New Year

Most of us are infused with good will and joy over the holidays, getting together with loved ones and friends, spreading kindness, and being surrounded by reminders of holiday spirit.  The holidays happen around this time of year for a reason: it's the time when the old year ends, and the new one begins. We have yet another chance to start again.  Here are some ways to keep that happiness going.

Spreading kindness is the best way I know to be happy.  If you want to spread kindness around, here are some ideas:

 *Kindness begins on the inside – learn to be as kind in talking to yourself as you are to others – then, keep improving.  Self-talk sets the bar for the happiness in your life.

 *Letters, e-mails, notes and cards expressing kind words to your friends, kids or spouse and family, even when you live together or nearby.  Getting uplifting messages will inspire anyone’s day.

 *When you know someone who is ill, bereaved, down or needs help; get together with other friends and work together to get them what they need: whether it’s a meal, some company, or errands run.

 *So many of us are lost about how to help a friend in times of grief; but all that’s really needed is a little kindness and a listening ear.  Grief needs a witness, and you can listen sympathetically.

 * Don’t forget to express your gratitude, beginning with the simple "Magic Words" -- please and thank you.  Manners are social lubricant -- they hold society together, and they show respect to others.  There's respect for self (treating oneself as you would a good friend),  respect for family and friends, respect for differences, like other cultures, races, religions.  There are certainly rewards for kindness.  It lubricates social connections, and lays a foundation for love, friendship, business success and social recognition in your own life. 

* One of the kindest things you can do for yourself is to keep a positive outlook and see the silver lining.  Often we feel unlucky because we aren't noticing the luck we have.  Even if something bad has happened, such as the loss of someone dear, the fact that you had such a person in your life was lucky, or having something to lose, in the first place, is lucky. By all means, express grief for your loss, but also remember the gift that you had whatever time with that person before the loss. 

* Every gift is an expression of love, and every giver should be thanked graciously, no matter what the gift is.  Whether you’re giving or receiving, what counts is the thought, not the value.

May you give and receive kindness as much as possible – it will make you happy.

From it Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Anticipating the New Year

Dr. Romance wishes you a Happy New Year!

Every New Year feels like a new beginning. The sun, at its furthest point at Winter Solstice, has begun its annual swing closer to Earth, you change your calendar, and we all feel the renewal of the fresh, new year. With this sense of renewal, all of us are energized, and it’s natural to feel that it’s a great time to begin new traditions, and change old habits. Add that to the feeling that we indulged too much while celebrating over the holidays, and we have the perfect setup to make new year’s resolutions.

New Year's resolutions are about beginning fresh, and correcting past problems, so the impetus to do them as the year begins anew makes sense. However, it's a lot easier said than done. If the resolution is made with real motivation behind it, it will likely succeed, no matter when it's begun. But, if you're just making resolutions because everyone else is, or you believe you should do it, and you haven’t thought it through, you’re liable to find that you lack motivation and energy to follow through. If you make the resolution easy to accomplish, you'll have more successes to celebrate and you'll be able to appreciate your accomplishment.

Instead of following that same old cycle, and setting yourself up for disappointment one more time, you can follow my simple plan for replacing disappointment with anticipation. Setting yourself up for anticipation instead of defeat, makes your new year a lot easier.

Try replacing the old resolution habit with a new a habit of daily anticipation with the following method:

Daily Anticipation: Either in the evening or the morning, take fifteen to twenty minutes to sit down with your calendar and think about the day to come. Consider your to-do list, your appointments (whatever kind of appointments you have: with a business associate, a customer, your dentist, to take your child to soccer or ballet, or lunch with a friend) and whatever you personally would like to accomplish (for example: gardening, cooking dinner, making a speech, getting a new client, writing your novel, working out, winning at a sport, meditating or praying, creating art or music, or visiting a friend). If your list is more than you can possibly get done in one day, sort through it now, instead of waiting until the end of the day to find you didn’t accomplish the most important things. Prioritize what you have to do, and whatever you’re not going to get to today, put on your to-do list for tomorrow or next week.

Look at your calendar and schedule as realistically as you can. For example, if you are taking your daughter to ballet class, or your son to football practice, consider that it might be important to allow enough time for the two of you to talk. If the client you have to see is long-winded or habitually late, take that into consideration. If you are extra tired, consider not packing your day as full as usual.

On the other hand, if your calendar is not full enough, if you have a tendency to go to work and then come home with no idea of what you’ll do for the evening, then give some thought to scheduling some of that unused time: For example, volunteering to help somewhere; inviting a friend to dinner, participating in a sport, joining the church choir, or taking a class. You can even decide to get intentional about relaxing, rather than letting the TV or the computer absorb time meaninglessly.

In this way you can take charge of your day, and make sure that, within the limits of your real situation, you do the things that are most important to you. The few minutes you take at the beginning of your day to organize it can save you hours later. If you focus on planning each day, you will make steady progress toward attaining your future goals, and creating a truly Happy New Year!

I wish you a new year filled with every good thing.
adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction)

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Staying Young

Dr. Romance is aware that there is a heavy emphasis on youth in today's culture.  Companies and individuals want to sell you potions, clothing, makeup, diets, exercise and attitudes and other magic to help you stay young.  But, scientific research shows that these things rarely make a significant difference.  Of course, living a healthy lifestyle will help you maintain your optimum health, and feel your best   But, the real secret to staying young is completely within your own control, and takes very little money.  Here are Dr. Romance's secrets:

How to stay young….

1. Gratitude: Acknowledging all that you have and are will change your outlook immediately. Instead of complaining about birthdays, wrinkles or aches, give thanks that you’re healthier than so many others, and appreciate what you have.

2. Learning: Learn something new. Whatever you’ve always wanted to know or be, you still can. Learn a language, or to play music, or to dance, or to sail a boat. It will literally keep your brain younger

3. New experiences: Meet some new people, go to a new place, try something different. It will refresh your outlook, and remind you of what you have to offer others.

4. Do something for someone else. Volunteer, babysit, help a neighbor, give away something you don’t need any more. The ability to give reminds us that we have so much, and makes us happy.

5. Pamper yourself: Most of us don't do enough pampering of ourselves, or take time to smell the roses.  It's the greatest stress reliever we have.  Take a day for yourself, have a massage, sit in a park and breathe in nature, have your favorite lunch. It’s like rebooting your computer – rejuvenating.

from The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: He says he can't give me what I want

Dear Dr. Romance:

I hope that you will be able to help me with a problem that I find I now have. I meet a man on line and he and I are great together everything was going great then a ex girlfriend had him put in jail saying that he was stalking her when he was really just going to his brothers home who lives 5 houses down. When he got out everything changed he told me all about it and what was going on as did his sister in law who doesn’t like him but she did say that he wasn’t stalking her, any ways things have just went from 10 emails and cards and calls by phone 7 times a day to nothing he says he cant give me what I want and now he doesn't call me his  phone is broke now and he emails me things like "phone broke looking for new one have good day" I have to email him he doesn't do any thing any more. I love him and I want it to work but I don't know what to do. we live in different states. he talked about me living there us getting a house together and he said he loved me and now NOTHING! help my heart is breaking. He did tell me that he pushes people away when upset or stressed so what should I do I don't want to lose him!!!.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry to say, I think you got attached to a con artist.  Most of what he says sounds like lies to me.  Believe this man when he says he can't give you what you want. Please move on, and find a real man: one who does not tell you what you want to hear. "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" will help you recognize problematic men in the future.  You deserve a man who tells you the truth, and is caring and concerned.  So many people you meet online are not who they say they are. "Keys to a Happy Relationship" and "Romance is Not Necessarily Love" will help you change your views of relationships.  Where is Love"  will help you figure out how to find a real relationship. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand and let go of dysfunctional relationships. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: He has PTSD and I'm going crazy

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been married for about four years now and my husband and I got married at 18. We have 3 kids all under the age of four and it gets stressful sometimes for both of us.  He is in the army, he's been a soldier for almost 3 years now he was deployed overseas last year and ever since he came back he came back a different person.

I sometimes don't know who he is anymore. I try to do everything that he asks for but yet nothing makes him happy. We don't argue a lot but when we do they are really bad arguments. To be honest the only reason why we don't argue as much is because I choose to ignore the things he does to me.  My husband can hurt my feelings and not apologize unless I ask for an apology. He has never and I mean never in four years that we have been married ever made me feel better or ever done anything to make up for his mistake. I always let it go.   Since he came back from the war zone he has sleeping problems like he kicks his leg every six or ten seconds I have stayed up countless nights taking notes and counting he wakes up just about every night like at 2 or 3 in the morning and he will eat but he can't control it.  

He sleep walks and when i tell him babe go back to bed you're not hungry he gets upset and I can understand having a little snack but he eats 3 bowls of cereal a peanut butter and jelly sandwich cookies ding dongs then in the morning when he wakes up he feels unhappy with himself.  He calls himself fat and ugly disgusting, but he's not fat he doesn't have a belly.  He also tells me that he's getting old he's only 22.   He asks what has his life come to, getting up in the morning and going to work every day the same over and over again.  He hates what he does and he sometimes hates coming home. He wonders what is he doing with me, if he loves me still, if he even loved me to begin with, and it hurts me because I care about him. He tells me that he's not attracted to me in any way and it crushes me.  

We stopped having sex now he only lasts 3 minutes and its only once a week if I'm lucky and he never gets in the mood any more and its never when I want to its always when he does.  Most of the time I just lay there and it doesn't feel nice.   I feel useless.  When ever he is happy he tells me how much he loves me and how he can't live without me. He says when he's mad he talks a lot of BS that he doesn't mean.  Its like a roller coaster one day he's fine and happy and another day he's miserable and unhappy and it drives me nuts.  

Do I believe what he tells me when he's mad or when he's happy but regardless it hurts me and it puts me down,  When we argue he can't stick to the subject instead of admitting his fault he will try to justify it by bringing something form the past or saying something that would hurt me instead of "OK I understand what I did I'm sorry it wont happen again" 

I wont see him for a week now because he's out in the field doing training but he left mad not wanting to talk to me the last words he said to me were "I want a divorce I hate you I don't love  you anymore."

Please I need some type of advice and reassurance to keep me here. From your experience does it sound like he loves me? I'm only 21. I have 3 kids but I'm still young I don't want to get used to a routine that makes me so unhappy.  I have accepted that I have responsibilities and that life can't be all games and fun. I'm willing to give up a couple years until my kids are old enough. I'm willing to sacrifice myself for my kids and my husband.  I think I'm a very good mom and good wife I cook and clean, my house is hardly ever a mess. I believe that children aren't an excuse to have your house dirty or to forget about your self.   Please just help
me out here please.

Dear Reader:

This is a familiar problem.  Your husband is showing signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is quite common in veterans of combat.  It's dangerous for him, for you and for your children.  You need to contact a counselor who is expert in this issue.  Is there a Veteran's hospital nearby?  Are you on or near a base? Seek counseling there.  At https://www.veteranscrisisline.net   you'll find a hotline where you can be connected to resources.

Please call and get yourself and your husband the help you both need. 

This will only get worse until you do.   The Real 13th Step will help you understand PTSD and give you tools to help.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I caught tremendous flak from co-workers

Dear Dr. Romance:

Excellent advice and a most excellent article I just read about older women dating younger men and age differences. I'm a 50 year old single male and have been  single for 15 years with no children and have dated younger women on several occasions but did not seek them out but I caught tremendous flak from female co-workers because of the age  difference thing, so I printed out your article and showed it to them.   If I ever date a younger lady again, I will show them this article, so again thanks.

Dear Reader:

Keep in mind that your co-workers wouldn't criticize you if they didn't know.  You must be talking about the age difference at work, and it might be wiser not to bring it up.  Be careful in how you share your personal life at work in general.  The gossip mill can be very hurtful.

"Mirrors and Teachers" will help you handle difficult and critical people.   "Response-ability"  will show you how to respond to them.  

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences  will help you make your relationships work, no matter how different your ages and attitudes are.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Friends With Benefits

Dr. Romance writes:

If you’re thinking about having sex with a friend, be very careful, because it is not easy to preserve a friendship once you have sex. We think we can control our feelings, but it's not so simple. 

*If one of you becomes romantically attached as a result of the sex, the friendship will probably not survive. 

*If you've done it before, and you know you can keep your feelings in check, you might be successful, but what about your friend? Are you sure he or she is aware of his or her own feelings and motives?

 *Think about it in advance and talk about it a lot

 *Are you going to keep dating others while you're doing this FWB thing?

 *What if one of you falls in love with someone else?

 * What if you just want out of the deal after a while?

 *What if only one of you falls in love, instead of remaining friends?

 Keep talking throughout the FWB arrangement It sounds a lot more fun and easier than it really is.

The benefit is being able to have sex with someone you know, rather than a stranger. The disadvantages are: It could be the end of the friendship.  One person could fall in love, while the other doesn't want to pursue more of a relationship. It may keep you from finding a real relationship, because you're too comfortable to look.

For many men, FWB is what they want: sex without responsibility. They also tend to take it for granted, and still be attracted to other women.

Most males have fantasies about having all the women they want. Women, on the other hand, tend to become emotionally attached when they have sex.  (Men actually do, too, but they don't want to know they are. That's why they often don't realize they feel something for someone until that person is gone.) Women's fantasies are about a monogamous relationship.

If you start to develop feelings, pay attention! Don't ignore it. Let your partner know, and watch the reaction. If you don't get a positive response, cut off the sex. That's the way to see if the other person is also emotionally attached or not.  Don't languish in a friends-with-benefits relationship when you want more. If your FWB suddenly meets someone else and marries, you'll be devastated.

If you want to cut off the sex, you need to explain why you're doing it. "I'm developing deeper feelings for you, and since you don't seem to return them, I have to stop having sex with you. I'd like to still be friends."  Or, "I can't even be your friend for a while, because I'm grieving."

Maintaining this type of relationship is not easy for anyone. It only seems easy at the beginning. My counseling practice is full of people who had their hearts broken this way.  Older people tend to be a little wiser and more cautious about it than younger people, but all ages get hurt.

Don't just let things develop on their own. Definitely talk about it beforehand, or as soon as possible. You need to establish that the friendship is important to both of you, and you don't want to ruin it. You also need to talk about feelings, to open that subject for future discussion.

* If you want to turn a friendship into a full-on relationship, and you’re serious about it, then you need to talk about that, too. Your friendship will be altered forever when you have sex for the first time. You have things to lose here, and things to gain. 

*Make some agreements, discuss the above questions, and keep talking about it.

Back to being friends                      

Friendships that go from friends to lovers back to friends can be very close, because you know each other so well. The first thing you need  to do is talk about it.  Make a deal that you won't do anything that would jeopardize your friendship, and stick to it. (That means, acting as a friend, and not acting jealous if your friend has a date.)                  

The more emotionally mature you are, the easier it is to re-establish the friendship. Openness increases intimacy. So friends who can talk about everything feel closer than friends who can't. 

However, friendships have more limits on sharing than lover relationships do. If you’ve found someone new, you have to consider your sexual partner, too, who might not like his or her privacy invaded.  

It is possible to re-develop a friendship after the romantic line has been crossed, but it's not always easy. If both of you are in agreement that you were better as friends, re-developing the friendship is easier than if one of you still wants the romance.

Surprisingly enough, many people do become friends again after they've divorced or split up. Here are some guidelines for doing that successfully.

So, your ex has been hanging around, helping you out with things around the house, eating dinner with you and the kids, or just calling you up to talk about good times in the past. Old, friendly feelings seem to be coming back.  Can you really revert to being friends? Here’s how to see if you and your ex can make it work.

* Go very slowly. It takes time to get re-organized as friends. Talk about your friendship and tell the truth. If it’s going to work, it go better if you go more slowly, and you’ll have a chance to build a better foundation than before.

* Treat it like a new friendship. Start from the beginning, and do it differently – you have to figure out the difference between being lovers and being friends.

* Be conscious about being friends — talk about what you miss about your friendship — if you cannot talk honestly about what changed and what to do differently, you won’t succeed.

* Make sure your friend wants the friendship as much as you do. If there are unresolved old feelings, you need to talk about them.

 * If you run into difficulty, seek therapy to repair the friendship and resolve the lover relationship.

From Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: He wants it to be over

Dear Dr. Romance:

I found your site by accident and I hope you can help me.
 
I have been divorced for one year and have been seeing a co-worker for most of that time. I have known him for five years and have been in a "relationship" with him for one of those. He is my best friend. When things started out they were great, and within 3 months, he began to not kiss me when we had sex. I really didn't think much of it, but then one night I asked him why and he said it was too personal and that he didn't have the same feelings for me as I did for him, (I had professed my love for him). We split up for one week and were back together having a friends with benefits relationship for the last 9 months.

I know what your thinking FWB is stupid and NEVER works. I know that. But I thought if I just hung on long enough, he would get that feeling back. If I ignore him, he pursues me, if I pursue him, he backs away. He has had 2 major breakups, (one a marriage where she was unfaithful), and the other he wanted to marry her and she left him, up and cold one day. It took him 3 years to get over that, and I was the one that helped him through it.  

The man is my soulmate and we both know that. We have discussed it. We have kept this relationship pretty much a secret because of our jobs (although it is not against company policy).  People who do know say that he is just scared and will never make that commitment again. people who don't know us, but have been around us, have told me: "Do you know that he cares about you? You can see how he watches you and looks at you." And he does.

He wants it to be over and for us to be just friends. I want him for a lifetime mate. I can not get over him and don't want to risk walking away and him saying that I really never cared for him. If he truly doesn't want anything but friendship, why is he always still so sweet to me and looks at me, emails me, calls me, etc.? 

I can't get over a man who I see everyday and treats me like a queen. I wish you could see him the way he treats me and watches me. Can a person be so afraid of getting hurt that they would sabotage their own happiness, not to mention mine? i love him with all my heart and soul. I can't quit my job, and I can't ignore him at work, we have to co-mingle in our job. Help me, I am at the end of my rope. Please Please help me. Just this once!!!

Dear Reader:

I think you've scared the heck out of this guy.  You need to learn pacing: not getting too far ahead of the man you're dating.  Telling him you love him, and he's your soul mate was a big mistake. He was already wounded and it made him afraid of your neediness.

He could be commitment phobic, which means he may never make a commitment; or he could just be scared, and you're making it way too easy for him.  The smartest thing you can do is cut off the "benefits".  You can see my views in "Friends With Benefits."  If you want a real relationship with this guy, you'll need to handle it very differently.  Give yourself and him a chance to find out how much he cares for you.  You do that by backing off, and giving him the space to be in the lead.  Few men like to be led around by the nose (or any other part.)  Instead of taking the lead, back way and give him the chance to let you know what he wants. 

You've set a bad precedent here, so it may take him a while to realize he can't just sit back and wait for you to meet his needs.  You have to let him know it's a two-way street, so wait (no matter how tough it is) for him to make a move.  Once you've got him moving toward you, play it cool.  Use the "tennis match" approach, and only make a move toward him after he's made one toward you.

This will be a test to see how much he really cares; or whether he's just using you.   "Setting Boundaries and Saying No" and "The Tennis Match: How to Balance the Power in Your Relationship" will give you more information about how to do this. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has excellent information on how to talk to a partner who has different views about your relationship, 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Does Viagra give him Insomnia?

Dear Dr. Romance:
 I am 39 & my boyfriend is 51.  He takes Viagra & Cialis (on an as needed basis). We have a terrific relationship.  We seem to have no problem lying there & falling asleep for a short time after making love.  I have a really comfortable bed, which he acknowledges. But as soon as we try to go to sleep for the night, he is awake…all night.  I am a light sleeper, so if he is a wake I am awake.  At first, we thought it might be the medication, but on the nights he leaves, he sleeps fine at his house.  So, we eliminated that.  We thought that it would get better over time (and still hope for that).  This has been going on for two months now.  At this point, we have tried everything we know of.  Both of us are very frustrated &  he wants to be able to stay with me and sleep through the night.  Why can't he sleep when he is at my house?  What will help?  Will it get better? 
 
Dear Reader:
 
I'm sorry you and your partner are having difficulty.  There are a lot of side effects associated with Viagra and Cialis, and they differ from person to person, so sleeplessness could be one of them. Maybe he needs to get up and walk around for a while after sex, to work off the effects.  He'd automatically do that, going home.  He should try that.  Or, it just takes longer for him to get used to sleeping with someone than it did for you.  Do you ever stay at his house, and can he sleep in his own bed with you in it? 
 
It's also possible that he's just happier sleeping alone, waking up in his own bed, and he doesn't want to tell you. 
 

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship  has guidelines for talking openly about sex, which might help the two of you communicate about this.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: He pushed me to tears

Dear Dr. Romance:
 Thank you for the Fair Fight Guidelines. I found a lot of wisdom and thoughtfulness in  them.  I hope my husband will agree. That said, I don't know what you mean by "rage is phony; it's drama created by not taking care of yourself." If a person is belittled or treated poorly or ignored consistently, even after that person tries to remain calm and factual and collaborative, the frustration may escalate into rage. A therapist we saw briefly suggested that my husband didn't really hear/believe me until he pushed me to tears. So do you mean that if you find yourself in a reactive rage, that  somehow you have not taken care of yourself? Perhaps that is true.

If you have time to clarify the thought behind that sentiment, it  would  be so helpful

Dear Reader:

In the article, I'm talking about rage, not anger.  Rage is overblown anger, like a temper tantrum, and it's not a real response to a real situation.  Instead, it's a manipulation, trying to get a particular response (either 'give me what I want' or 'leave me alone') I think your husband would learn to believe you without tears, if you were  strong, consistent and direct enough in your response.  Your tears were an  expression of helplessness, which got his attention, but you'd get more  effective attention if you stood up for yourself.

"Anger: Cleansing Squall or Hurricane?" "Emotional Hygiene" and "Emotions as Weather" will help you understand healthy expressions of emotions, and "Asking for What you Want" will show you how to ask powerfully without drama. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction can clear up confusion about how healthy relationships work.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance on Letting Go of a Dysfunctional Relationship

Dr. Romance is aware that all relationships are not successful.

Whether it is a romance, a friendship or a family relationship, there are times that the relationship is too toxic to keep.  

Once you're bonded with someone, it's very painful to let go. Since most of us like to avoid unpleasantness, we don't want to do the grieving that's necessary to let go. When you' have to let go, there are a certain number of tears you must cry to process the loss: getting on with the crying is the fastest way. Even if the dissolution of a relationship was your idea, you may be clinging to a dream; in denial. A bad relationship can become like an addiction: a difficult habit to break, because you are emotionally attached, and the attached part of you wants to keep trying, while the rational part knows you need to let go.

We also have a lot of cultural mythology about loyalty, and that clinging and martyring to a toxic loved one means you are truly loving. Clinging to a toxic connection is painful.  A relationship is a partnership, and requires goodwill and cooperation from both people in order to succeed.

If you find you have real reason to doubt someone you care about, and there are real problems, such as lying, betrayal, combativeness, dishonesty, bad behavior due to alcohol abuse, violence,  illegal activities or drug use, do not make excuses, and do not accept promises of change.  

It's important to be aware of the signs of emotional blackmail:

1. Demands. Your loved one won’t take “no” for an answer, and requests are really demands.
2. Obstinance. When every discussion turns into an argument.
3. Pressure. Your loved one pressures you to go along or do what he or she wants.
4. Threats. Your loved one uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to leave. Once your loved one knows you can be pressured into giving in, it will increase the intensity of the pressure.
6. Repetition. An obsessive person will go through these previous five steps over and over, wearing you down each time. The easiest thing is to be sure when you say “no”, it means no.  Don't allow anyone to keep after you once you've said no.

People with these problems are damaged, it is difficult for them to change, and will take a lot of time. Mere promises, no matter how well intended, are not sufficient. It is very important to protect yourself from someone who keeps disrespecting, abusing, or taking advantage of you.   If your loved one decides to get help, that's great and should be supported and encouraged -- but not believed until you see consistent results.

The best way to handle these difficult people is by giving them what I call an "adult time out:" Retreat into cool politeness; stop sharing intimate information, stop spending time with the person, and keep your distance. You'll find that it's very effective in curbing the person's bad behavior around you.  

You can be honest about what doesn't work for you, but don't try to talk the person into changing behavior. That will only lead to a struggle, with the problem person defending him or her self.  Any change has to come from the person, and withdrawing is the most powerful catalyst, especially if you can do it calmly.  

Other articles on related subjects:

Mirrors and Teachers 
How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship 
Setting Boundaries and Saying No
Romance is Not Necessarily Love  
How to Avoid Loving a Jerk 
Avoiding The Drama Triangle 

from it Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I get into the same relationship pattern over and over

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have found your book, It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction very helpful, and I want to continue working.    You wouldn't happen to know a counselor, or be able to recommend anyone in my area would you?  I am sure you get asked all kinds of questions, and, well, this is odd I guess.  Anyhow, I would appreciate it if you could get back to me, and seeing as how the chances that you do know anyone here are slim, maybe you could suggest what type of counselor I might need to be looking for.

I don't have any mental health issues that I am aware of, just seem to get into the same kind of relationship pattern over and over, and know that I need to change my course of action, and would like some guidance.

Thank you very much in advance for your time,

Dear Reader: 

Your question is not unusual, I get asked it all the time. I'm glad you are finding the book helpful.   To overcome the habits that lead to repeating relationship mistakes, see my articles "Patterns of Change"  and "You Be The Judge"  Check out my article "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" to find therapy in your area. 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Is there any hope?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm in love with woman going through divorce AND my ex-wife needs me due to bad car accident.......  is there any hope??

Dear Reader:
Your ex-wife, if you are divorced, should have no bearing on whether there's hope or not.  If your sister needed you, would that be a problem in your relationship?  Unless you have a sexual/romantic relationship with your ex, (which you shouldn't if you're dating someone else) she's just a friend who needs your help. 
 
As to the woman going through the divorce: this is not a good time for her to form a new relationship, so wait for at least six months to a year, and then you'll see if she's really ended her marriage and is free and clear for a new relationship.  Read my article, "Stupid Cupid" to avoid another ruined marriage.  "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" and "Keys to a Happy Relationship" will help you understand the skills you need to acquire to create successful relationships that last.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand why you get in and out of dysfunctional relationships, and how to fix that.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Is it my fault that she won't have family?

Dear Dr. Romance,

I read your article on Age Differences in Dating. I am dating a woman that is 13 years older than I am, I love her, but I am about to quit this relationship. And I want to tell you why? Perhaps you will tell me your opinion. This is has been the hardest choice of my life. I do not feel I am doing the 100% right thing, I do not feel any woman will love me and treat me the way she has. I do not feel I will be feeling for anybody like that. But still I am going to do it for two reasons 1) Rules of Life that have formed my personality (family traditions, my priest, my favorite books, my community, my role models my personal search and experience) and define my personal mission and "they way things should be are in conflict with my Situation of Love or "the way things are"; 2) It is the rules of nature that will not allow us to be happy. Or so I think.

 I will start from point 2). She is definitely in a different biological rhythm than I am. She is 38 and she wants the baby…but firstly I feel that she is in search of choosing a man that will bring her the baby and stay around to be the daddy to the baby, and even though she knows that that man might not stay around for long, she also knows that she will do everything to keep her man, and she will do everything for the baby (I am 1000% sure she will) and she feels confident. But from our discussions I also know that deep in mind she thinks "if my man will not stay with me forever, I will still have the baby as the result and fruit of my love".  I am 25. You might think that when I will be 37, she will be 50, and when I am 47 she will be 60. I think biology and nature does its things and I don't like the "end that I have in mind" and I even more do not like to "live for the moment and do not worry about the future (this is what she tells me)". Hell, I am worried about OUR future. I want to envision my future the way I want it to happen and want to live up to it. And this relationship will not let me. I am not in the position to be a vehicle of producing a child. I do  not know what kind of person should my child be, by which values and principles I should raise him, I am in a search to find myself. If she was in the same situation, we might have gotten married and live together and do this together. But no, she is confident how things should be, she knows exactly and she knows I am the one. I think she would be a great mother, amazing probably. But our biological cycles are not same, we are on different planets in that sense. I probably sound like a pimp, and I feel I should have been more responsible when I told her I loved her. Maybe I should have quit on her just before I felt I was falling for her? Please let me know what you think.

 First point is harder (or maybe not). I am a person who values interdependence, because I think it produces strength and power (which give me possibility to do what I think is right, from that I derive my personal freedom in this life). To whom does my interdependence refer to ? God, my country, my family (or at least it was like this before I met this woman). I see the world and interpret the world through the glasses of my family, my ancestors. My family is the source of my personal wisdom that has given out from a generation to generation for many centuries. My family is a traditional Georgian family. And my partner is Russian, and she is from typical Russian family. Our backgrounds are vastly different (most Americans think of Georgia as part of Russia, but this two understandings are very different, probably Georgians are less like Russians than any other ethnic group or nation on earth). It is not that one is better and other is worse, they are just so different. Also there are non ethnic issues. More like individual issues about members of our families. If she tells her father that she wants to marry a Georgian man, that is 13 year younger that she, her father will say "my dear as long as you are happy, I am happy, I wish all the best to you two". If I tell my father I want to marry a woman that is Russian and that she is 13 year older than me, my father will say "think twice, you are not alone, what choice you make will effect your family, your younger brothers, think of not only yourself, I know how you feel, I had to refuse that choice many years ago, your uncles had to refuse it, now it is your time, she will never understand why, but that is life, if you do it, soon you will be divided with her spiritually because she is from another culture, and biologically because she is 13 years older then you". My father and my uncles are definitely my role models, I want to be like them. But I also love her very much. So this is what I mean by saying that My Laws of Life are against My Love.

 I do not know what was the point of my writing to you. Do I need help and advice? Yes. Especially  now when I have made up my mind (Or I should say I have not made up my mind, but I am doing this blind and with my eyes closed, but I am doing this, just doing this) Please do not write me about finding a compromise and taking tp her and talking to my family and all that. I have gone through thinking over all of that for last two months. The outstanding issues are fundamental and diplomacy here will not work. You are a woman. Perhaps you can help me to explain things to her so that pain she will experience will be as less as possible. Because what is killing me, is that knowing she will spend months depressed, and bad sleep and desperate and like my father said: No matter what, she will never understand why. And she will hate me. And she will be sorry she started this relationship with me.

 On the other hand I am so happy that I met her. And in this part of my life I will always love her and only her. But this part of my life lasted for one year and 8 months. Is it my fault that she might not have a family and child? I do not know. Probably yes, at least partly.  

Dear Reader:

I can see that you've made up your mind, but you don't want to be a bad person in your girlfriend's eyes.  I don't think you can control what she thinks of you or how she feels.  She may need to hate you in order to have the energy she needs to survive this blow. If you are certain this is what you want to do, then do it honestly and openly. Tell her you can't be with her, and then cut off communication, so she can mourn and get on with her life.  If you drag it out, you'll just waste her time and hurt her more.  Read my article "Letting Go Takes Love" for more about this. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free can help you understand what you want out of relationships in general.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Love Styles

Dr. Romance writes:

There was a time when life seemed very hard, so hard I tried not to think about it.. Several times I helped to destroy some very viable relationships. Changing myself, my life and my loves has been very exciting and fulfilling, yet I am still growing. Love Styles is intended to help you reach your desired destination on your own journey and make your hard places a little easier.

There’s a pervasive myth in our society that there is a right and a wrong way to love. However, there’s not much clarity about what is the right way. We all have difficulty with relationships, difficulty with love; therefore, we’re liable to draw the uncomfortable conclusion: “Everyone knows how to love correctly except me.” At times, when frustrated by a lover, you may indeed believe that everyone knows how to love except your partner

This attitude leads to blaming, defensiveness, accusing and a general shutdown of any loving feelings. You may feel helpless, betrayed, incompetent, angry and lost. If you become defensive and withdraw from your beloved, things get worse.

There are as many ways of loving as there are people—and none of them is wrong. Some ways of loving do work better than others, but there are an infinite number of ways that work extremely well. This is good news, for it ends forever the fear that love can become boring, or that you can become bored with it. When looked at from this perspective, the object of relationships becomes to discover each other’s way of loving (love style), to learn the style of loving your partner uses and to teach him or her the joys of your own style. In this way, each relationship adds to your options for love. Each couple synthesizes a new love style out of the two they bring together; which is uniquely theirs and which can be restructured as their lifestyles change and grow.

LOVE

I can't really define what love is for you, because each of you has your own unique experience with love. But I can separate it from several things it is not, and list some very general attributes of it.

We experience love on many ways: romantic, practical, spiritual, familial, unconditional, passionate, selfish, and so on. In this book, I’m talking about love at the practical level, as in our day-to-day relationships.

As we experience it in primary relationships, love is one person's positive experience of another.
Love tends to bring separate people together.
A Love is sharing and caring.
A Love unites us.
A Love is your willingness to share yourself.

Love is a state of being, a feeling, not an action. It is warmth, connectedness, and a desire to be closer. It’s my concern for your well-being as well as my own. Love is someone's recognition in the other of the things he or she likes most about self. Love is not critical or separating; it is accepting and supportive.

We hear much, especially in popular songs, movies, etc., about how painful love is. I disagree. Love doesn’t hurt; whatever hurts in a relationship is not love. Love isn’t limiting, it’s freeing.
Love is how you feel; not what you do. The expression of love is one degree removed from the feeling itself. How you behave is not necessarily an accurate barometer of how you love—that depends on your understanding of love and your ability to express yourself effectively.
Love is a feeling; the expression of love is an art. As with any art, there can be a wide gap between what is expressed and what is felt. The difference between expression and feeling has several contributing factors: self-awareness, honesty, safety, intent and fantasy. As with art, practice and knowledge of technique are helpful.

COMMUNICATION AND MISCOMMUNICATION
Whether you love or not is subject only to your own opinion, no one else’s. The proper answer to the age-old demand, “If you love me, you’ll_____” is: “Wrong. I do love you, but I’m not going to do that,” or, “I’ll do that, but it’s not a test of my love.”

Frequently in counseling I’ve seen people let themselves be talked right out of loving each other, like this: When person A says, “If you loved me, you’d…” most often he or she is feeling insecure and asking for reassurance, but asking ineffectively, because it sounds like a demand. When B is also insecure, and if he or she is unwilling to do whatever is being demanded, B then tends to doubt his or her own loving: “Gee, maybe I don’t love you enough. I’m not willing to do that.” When A gets this doubtful response on top of his or her initially insecure feelings, A panics: “Oh no B doesn’t really love me ” At this point, both A and B are convinced that it’s not working, and everything can go downhill from there, because of simple misunderstanding.

While love is not a behavior but a feeling, accurate and effective communication of feelings is important. It can be very frustrating to love and be unable to communicate that love. We all know the experience of loving someone very much and having them perceive our love as something else. Marsha: “I loved him so much; I never wanted to be away from him for a minute.” Bill: “She smothered me She had no regard for my feelings I hated it ” Behavior contributes to accurate expression and is therefore important. It does you no good to love if your behavior is consistently interpreted as unloving.

As in any art, it’s necessary to know what you want to express in order to express it effectively. Your personal way of expressing and receiving love is your love style.
© 2021 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: It is sad that I cannot stop loving him

Dear Dr. Romance:

I told my husband that if he cannot be with me as his wife and does not give me the place that a wife should have that I wanted to go on with my life and file the papers.

He stopped seeing the other woman for a weekend.  Then, on the Thursday that followed, he called me during lunch (in front of her ) to tell me that his heart was someplace else and that we should file the papers.

I told him that after more than twenty years he had to call me on the phone to tell me that?  Couldn't he tell me in person?

The next day I asked him to sign the house over to me and he signed a quit claim deed. That happened two months ago, and he still has not moved out.  I have been sending resumes and applying for a better job for a long time and no positive response.  He makes twice what I make and the house budget is very tight as it is.

I don't know if there is anything I can do to save my marriage,  I still would like to hug him when he comes home but I refrain myself from showing any emotions. He is very much involved with this person, and I believe the only person he truly loves is himself.  He acts worse than my teenage son.

It is sad that I cannot stop loving him.  I am like frozen still, like if it is not true what is happening.

What can you suggest I do?

Dear Reader:

You're right to leave this guy.  He obviously can't control himself, and he needs to grow up.  If you only have one teenage son, he should be old enough to understand.  Hopefully, he'll learn from his father's bad behavior and mistakes. 
 
Please register the quit claim deed right away.  I hope you had it notarized, because your husband's signature is worthless, unless it's notarized and the deed is registered.  Once you have the deed in your name, you can sell the house, and move to something more affordable.  Hopefully, you'll have some equity you can use to bolster your financial situation. 
 
I recommend that you go to Codependents Anonymous as soon as possible.   You should also get therapy.  I know he's the one with the problem, but his problem has created big problems for you, and you'll need help handling them. Asking for What you Want will help you learn how to make him hear you.  There's low-cost therapy available through Family Services in your community.  Use my Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely  to find affordable therapy.    The Ten Smartest Decisions A Woman Can Make After Forty will help you understand what you want, make good decisions, and change your life for the better.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: he is still stuck in his bad habits

Dear Dr. Romance:

I recently read most of your book, It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 


and loved it. I work at a center where in talking to our clients, we have found repeated patterns of  dysfunction (generational),  over and over and over again, so your book would help us out. I  can have clients  read parts of it as homework.

I personally believe that so many of our clients need professional counseling to help them sort through their problems, but as you have mentioned in your book, they aren't easily going to do something if it's not something they grew up with, and vice versa.

Anyway, I myself have seen it in my own relationship with my boyfriend.  I was raised in a small, quiet, calm conservative family.  He was raised in a larger, louder family with an alcoholic dad.  Yikes!  It's been trouble.  That is why I bought your book.  I don't know how, but by luck I bumped into it.  And it turns out that most of the things he defends are because he doesn't know anything different than what he grew up with.

We are both Latino, yet he says I was raised "white" (a little silly perception of his), just  because- my family doesn't yell, my family actually discusses issues, my father sent us to private school, we've gone to family counseling together and my father doesn't drink, unlike his dad who drinks beer as if it were water.  Those are just a few examples.

Anyway, it's been a struggle helping him understand that some things aren't right because they are destructive, especially things like drinking, which he continues to say, "there is nothing wrong with drinking beer, my whole family does".  And, I'm thinking, HELLO!! Exactly!!! There's a problem, and unfortunately the whole family has it. (I've had to point it out to him, so now he is working on it.)  It was like a lightbulb lit up after he read parts of your book. 

So, I thank you for such a good book (easy read and not overwhelming for our clients - who are actually pretty simple people just trying to survive.)

Also, unfortunately, even though my boyfriend has had his Aha!  moments  when something like this has been revealed to him (about  generational dysfunction), he is still stuck in his bad habits, and apparently wants to keep  them. Just today he again said...I'm gonna keep drinking and smoking even though they cause my health harm because that is what I grew up with. Terrible, terrible. Ho hum!  Oh well. At least your book has allowed me to see things  differently and the next time I am looking for a boyfriend, I can screen a little better. I want to be able to screen for some of those very deep rooted  issues.

Dear Reader:
Thank you for writing.  I'm so glad you found It Ends With You helpful.  I'm so glad to hear it helped you get through to your boyfriend  about family dysfunction.  Both of you might enjoy reading my new book, Money, Sex and Kids:  Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Edition 

which also talks about how dysfunctional relationship patterns are handed  down in families.  "How Not to Fight" explains myths about fighting.

Your boyfriend's response is an  indication that he doesn't care enough about you to change his bad habits; or that he feels so badly  about himself that he doesn't think he's capable.  It could also be posturing; protecting his  'macho' self-image.  If it is posturing, he'll start to change, but won't want to be told that's  what he's doing.  If you're still wanting to be with him, I suggest you just ask him to change  specific things:  "Please don't speak to me in that tone of voice" and not respond at all to his bad behavior: if it doesn't work, he will do what does work.  This takes a lot of thought and effort on your part, but it can be very worth it.

"How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship" will help you learn to recognize core behaviors.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: He´s a Jehovah Witness and am a Pentecostal

Dear Dr. Romance:

I just saw write up on the issue of age differences in relationships   This have been a great issue for me, I make friends easily with people and at the end of the day they want a relationship and all to find that am older than them. Its been happening to me for sometime now and I have said no to about three guys because of the age issue. They don't mind about the age they just like my personality and I don't know what to do.

The first guy I wanted to date but I was three years older and I couldn't handle that. The second guy, i was two years older and now I am so much in love with a guy who is eight years younger than me.   I don't know what to do, at times I feel I could go out with someone younger, but I fear what my family will think of the issue and I know they might not accept it.

Presently, I am in love with someone eight years younger.  We both love and respect each other greatly and solve problems maturely. He doesn't have a problem with that but the major issue at hand now is the religion.  We are both Christians but from different religions. He´s a Jehovah Witness and am a Pentecostal, they don't believe in celebrating Christmas, Birthdays etc. like we do.  We both know we have differences, but we can't let go of each other that easy. He loves me so much and says he doesn't know what he will do seeing me in another man's arms.

I love him too but am scared of my family's reaction.  His has a friend who has been pressuring him to end the relationship, and they even got a fight. It's not been easy. I love him, but what should I do?

Dear Reader:

I don't think the age difference is your real problem.  I doubt if an eight-year difference would really upset anyone, even if you are a little older.  The real problem, I think, is the difference in religion.  It's a big problem, and it's not easy to talk about, but it must be resolved if your relationship is to succeed.  Can you and your boyfriend figure out how your life would work if you were married?  What would you do about religion, family and friends?  However much you love each other, if you can't work these issues out, love may not be enough to sustain the relationship.  Try reading my article "Stupid Cupid" for better understanding of how to work this out. Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will help you talk about your differences and how to work together to resolve them.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on How to Help a Friend Who is Depressed

It's not easy to know what to do when you have a friend who seems depressed.  Dr. Romance has some guidelines to help you support and care for your dear one.

1. Don't try to cheer your friend up. It just sounds like you don't understand.

2. Listen, listen, listen: Your friend needs someone who can hear whatever the problem is. It doesn't matter if it seems like a small or big problem to you, it's overwhelming to your friend, and he or she needs to talk about it. A lot.

3. Be sympathetic: "I'm sorry that happened to you." "You don't deserve that." "That sucks." are all good responses that will tell your friend you understand. Listening may take a long time, or go on for several sessions. Your friend has probably not felt safe to talk about it before this, so it's bottled up.

4. Be helpful: After your friend talks it out enough, he or she will naturally begin to analyze his or her feelings, what is going on, etc. rather than just complaining. If you're listening, you'll notice when this change happens. Then, you can make some suggestions: that your friend talk to a particular adult who understands, you can offer to help with homework, etc. . If your friend is upset or angry with his or her own parents, don't suggest talking to them-- let a responsible, caring adult assess the situation first.

5. If your friend won't talk, or talks about suicide or hurting someone else, then it's time for action. If you're in school, tell your school counselor, or a trusted teacher or parent that your friend is in danger. If you and your friend are adults, tell another friend or family member.  Don't worry if your friend said not to tell: that's just the time when telling may save a life.

Excerpted From It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: He hasn't told his Mum

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am having a little issue which I'd like some advice on; Firstly my partner had liked me for a few years before asking me out. We have been together for almost a year, yet he hasn't told his Mum that we are in a serious relationship. I have approached the subject but he doesn't see why he should have to.  She often comes down and does the household chores for him whereby I have suggested it may be a good idea to let her know I generally do all of that instead of it being done twice (for instance the laundry; the clean stuff is washed again)! My partner is very reserved within himself and I accept this and I'm very supportive towards him. We get on so well and never really have any problems we always work through stuff together.

I'm understand he doesn't want to hurt his mum's feelings but he seems to have no problem hurting mine.

Secondary whenever I tell him I love him I get no response back or a simple hmmmm, I know he loves me very much but it's not the point.

Dear Reader:

I think you're doing way too much for this man, if he hasn't made a commitment. (Telling his Mum would be making a commitment) Stop doing his laundry and the cleaning up. Let his Mum do it until her tells her not to.

You're right, it shouldn't be done twice, so don't do it. Let her do it. If you're not his committed relationship, and his Mum is instead, then don't let him treat you like one.

Put this relationship back on a courtship basis. Don't see him without an invitation, and don't cook for him unless he takes you out. Use the "tennis match" approach: that is, make sure he makes a move before you make one. Be nice, be polite and stop nagging him! Just back off a little, and give him a chance to realize he wants you. If he asks you why you're doing things differently, just say that as long as he doesn't tell his Mum, you don't think you two are in a serious relationship. "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will help you find the confidence to look for a better relationship, and "No Cooperation? Solve it Yourself!" will help you understand how to claim power in your relationship.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition  will give you a model of a cooperative relationship and teach you the skills you need to achieve it.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I still can't seem to get over it -- Is that normal?

Dear Dr. Romance:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years now.  There is a seventeen year difference in age.  I left for two and a half months to help my older sister during her second pregnancy because her husband was in Iraq. 

When I came back I found out that my boyfriend tried dating other women when I was gone.  One of which was my good friend.  We argued quite a lot for a while and at one point I started to move out, but we worked things out.  And we were even stronger then ever!  But yet I still can't seem to get over it.  Is that normal??  I still question if he talks to them anymore, and he says that he doesn't.  But yet I'm still very bothered by it.  Whenever I bring the subject up with him, he always just says, "I love you, and you only, I come home to you every night. There is no one else that I want to be with.  I almost lost you not that long ago, and I don't want you to leave now."  But like I said I'm still bothered by it.  What should I do??  If you could please help me, I would greatly appreciate it.
 
Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. You feel betrayed, and your trust in your boyfriend has been broken. He was obviously very immature, and it sounds like he's changing a little, but he hasn't sufficiently apologized or admitted his guilt to satisfy you that he feels remorseful, so you can't begin the rebuilding process.  It is possible to recover from infidelity, but it requires that both of you work together to do it.  

"Handling the Green-Eyed Monster" will help you understand jealousy and how to resolve it .  Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage has "Guidelines for Building Trust" you can use to fix the problem.

 

Repairing Trust in your Relationship

If the trust between you and your partner has been damaged, you will need to work together to rebuild that trust. How do you build trust?  Make agreements that are sensible, and keep them.
Trust grows in a relationship over time, as contracts are kept.   Be on time, pay your debts, and treat your partner with respect.  When you can't keep your promise, say so in advance -- if you can't do that, apologize and ask how you can repair the damage. The process is much the same whether you're building trust with yourself or someone else. The following guidelines will help you put these methods into practice:

Guidelines for Building Trust:

*Remember fear breaks down trust.   Don't frighten your partner (or yourself) by testing too hard, risking too much, or demanding the impossible.   If you begin to feel frightened, talk about it.  If you want to be told what is going on, don't make it too hard for your partner to be honest by making threats or reacting hysterically, or with rage.

*Keep each other informed. Lying or sneaking does even more damage than breaking contracts.
If you slip up, tell the truth.  If your partner errs, be open to hearing it without flying off the
handle, and negotiate a solution to the problem, using the problem solving steps in the first
section of this chapter.   If your partner keeps messing up, and shows no sign of change, or if you can't keep your bargains, couple counseling is crucial.  

*Learn to make clear contracts and renegotiate them before you break them.

*Give it time. Patience and communication are your best allies.   As you learn that you both make mistakes, and no one's being deliberately hurtful, trust builds.   As it does, you can begin to relax the rules, and allow yourselves more spontaneity. 

You and your boyfriend may need to get counseling in order to solve this problem.  An objective counselor can help your boyfriend take responsibility for his bad behavior, and help both of you to understand what went wrong.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you do that.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I think I am missing myself

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a women in my early twenties from India. I have gone through your website and i think u can help me. For the first time in life I am so confused, so helpless, and I don't know what i want.  Everything is fine with me.  I am in a good relationship, doing my MBA (2nd  yr, Marketing) and everything is going perfect. But something is missing, I think I am missing myself.

I have lost my self-confidence in my fighting spirit. I don't know how I lost myself in this so called rat race.  I am not happy with myself, because for the first time in life I don't know what I want, or what I want to do. I want to be myself again, the same person I was in school & graduation.  Everybody was fond of me, impressed with my self confidence.  I remember my friends used to tell me that my luck runs 10 steps ahead me, and whatever I do in my life I will be the best.  But now these words have no meaning;   because I am not the same girl.  Actually I did not want to do this MBA, I wanted to go in journalism, but my father forced me to do this course.  I think I started destroying myself from that day.  I don't even want to attend my classes because I am not interested.  I don't want to study what professors teach. I'm really confused, I don't know how to come out of all this. Please help me.

Dear Reader:

You're very insightful to know you're missing yourself.  Please don't destroy yourself to make a point with your father.  An MBA can be useful, even in journalism.  You'll have inside information to write about business and new trends.  At least, you're getting an education, which is always useful.  Is there a school newspaper?  Why not volunteer to write a column on business trends interesting to college students?  That will combine your journalism dreams with your major.

Most of all, get back in touch with yourself.  You have let this battle with your father become more important to you than you are.  Take a few minutes to consider how you can make this path work for you.  Maybe life is trying to teach you something, and using your father as its messenger.  Read my article "Attitude: from Negative to Gratitude"  to help you re-align your thinking. All through the many years ahead of you, you will need to learn things you are not necessarily excited about.  This is a great opportunity to figure that out.  If you stop fighting and struggling, you'll save a lot of time and energy that you can apply to making your dreams come true. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand your family dynamics, and how to make your life your own;  and The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman can Make Before Forty will help you create your own healthy goals.  

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: How can I help her to turn around?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have read your article "Fair Fight Guidelines" and it is impressive. I like to ask your advise for the following situation:

I have married for 20 years and three beautiful children. My wife whom I love the most, uses power struggle tactics: guilt and obligation, threats and emotional blackmail, courtroom logic: peacekeeping, sacrificing, or hammering. Even we go out for a date alone, still same problem, she will bring any thing based on assumption or false, and will ruin the evening.

Lately, she has been putting down my family, mother and sister, brothers.  Also, she is turning my own kids against me. I am sole provider for the family and pay all the bills, including her car.  She works as teacher and does not contribute anything. I never ask what she does with her money, it will cause more problems.

I have tried every thing but failed. How can I help her to turn around?

Dear Reader:

I don't know your wife, but I know that most people who are so negative are also afraid.  It sounds like you need to stand up and be more solid and sure of yourself, so she can trust that you will take care of things and she doesn't have to be so hyper-vigilant.

You won't be able to change her; you have to work by changing yourself to give her something  different to respond to.  I highly recommend that you get couples counseling, allow the counselor to see you interact, and a good counselor will see that your wife is anxious and critical, and help her change -- but a good counselor will also see what you're doing to contribute to the problem, and help you to change, too.  "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" can help you break some of the ingrained communication patterns you've developed. Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed  can help you understand each other better.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance's Guidelines for Not Fighting

Fighting a lot in your relationship? Dr. Romance recommends:

No matter what you’re fighting about: money, sex, kids or something else, the fighting is an indication that your communication isn’t working. If this happens only occasionally, such as when one or both of you are tired or stressed; it’s not too big a problem. However, if you argue or bicker on a daily or weekly basis, or you keep fighting about the same thing over and over, then your communication is not functioning as it should, and you don’t know how to move from a problem to the solution. When this happens, problems are recurrent, endless, and they can be exaggerated into relationship disasters. 

1. Don’t participate: Disagreements always require two people. If you don't participate, your partner can't argue without you. If the issue arises at an inopportune time, you can just find a temporary resolution (temporarily give in, go home, leave the restaurant) and wait until things calm down to discuss what happened (the squabble may just have been a case of too much alcohol, or being tired and irritable.) Then talk about what you can do instead if it ever happens again.

2. Discuss Recurring Problems: To resolve recurring problems, discuss related decisions with your spouse and find out what each of you does and does not want before making important decisions. You have a lot of options; so don't let confusion add to the stress.

3. Seek to Understand: Make sure you and your partner understand each other’s point of view before beginning to solve the problem. You should be able to put your mate’s position in your own words, and vice versa. This does not mean that you agree with each other, just that you understand each other.

4. Solve it for the Two of You: Come up with a solution that works for just the two of you, ignoring anyone else’s needs. It’s much easier to solve a problem for the two of you than for others you may not understand. After you are clear with each other, discuss the issues with others who may be involved.

5. Talk to Others: If extended family members or friends might have problems with your decision, talk about what objections they might have, so you can diffuse them beforehand. Discuss possible ways to handle their objections.

Fights often happen because you’re following automatic habit patterns that lead to a problem before you know it. Using these guidelines will help you overcome negative habit patterns you may have built that lead to arguments or bickering.

How to Take a Time Out

Whenever an argument becomes too heated, and you are aware that you're saying the same things you've said before, things have deteriorated into blaming and defending, or someone is getting very upset, it=s useful to take a time out. This works very much as it does in sports, as in basketball, where everyone can be running full tilt down the court, but someone makes the "T" sign with one hand perpendicular to the other, and the action stops immediately. You can even use the same signal.

To Call Time Out:

1. Make an agreed-upon sign. Some couples use the "T" symbol made with the hands, some choose a "safe word:" a nonsense word that wouldn't be used often, like "rutabaga" or a word that has significance to both of you, such as "Palm Springs" to recall the time you stopped fighting on vacation, or "overload" to indicate that you think things have gotten too intense. When you're not fighting, agree on what sign you'll use during a fight, and honor your agreement; when one of you says the word, or makes the sign, both of you have to stop talking.

2. Walk away: Giving the signal means both of you agree to stop fighting immediately, and walk away. You can just go to separate rooms, one of you can take a walk or a shower, or just go sit and write out your anger. The point is to get out of each other's sight for an agreed-upon time. Built into your agreement about time outs is a specific break time. Twenty minutes is usually enough time for both parties to calm down, get past the reactionary anger, and begin to think more rationally.

3. Come back together: After your break, come back together and resume the discussion. It usually works well to make the agreement that the person who called time out will open the discussion again. It's important to come back to the problem, so the time out process doesn't become a way to win an argument. You may find it necessary to call time out more than once in a heated argument. Don't hesitate to do it as often as necessary. It's better to break up the discussion than to deteriorate into fighting. If you take frequent breaks, you'll change your pattern from arguing to calmly discussing the problem.

Adapted from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I can't shut the voice in my head

 Dear Dr. Romance:

I have just read your article "Age Differences in Dating"

First let me thank you for bringing up such topic, as it has been considered for a long time as a classified one. second, I have some questions that I need clarify for once and for all.

I have a girlfriend, we have been together for more than 4 years. the only (don't worry I won't say problem) thing that keeps haunting me is that she is older than me. I mean 1 year older that's it. You may ask what's the problem, look at those couples with more than 10 years difference! I know but what we have here, is real emotions and a promising future to build together. I mean we are still young and I don t want to end like those people who at a certain point in their life they begin to wonder if they have made the right choice.  I mean from what I heard, let's say, relatives and friends, that at a certain age in our life time as a couple, the woman, she, by nature's law, will undergo the ageing process faster than the male. Besides some friends of mine, who got married with older wives, have a constant fight and struggle over issues like who is on control, who is on charge etc.

let me be honest with you, I am not a macho kind of guy (not 100% macho at least), but what worries me is that, I have been told that when my future wife will get older, she won't be able to take care of you, I mean generally in movies or in a real life (I m not macho remember) the wife always looks after her ageing husband, I mean we, the guys, we'd like to have a woman by our side. please let me clarify my point of view, I'm not saying that women should do this as part of their duties, I m being careful here, because considering the tone of your article I will automatically anticipate your reaction: I can feel your anger and disappointment.

i believe, however, that, being the man, I should provide my wife with everything she needs (as long as i can afford it) and she should do the same for me, so what if she can't do it anymore? what if after giving birth, and being a working mum, etc. she will look 100 years older than me? so the implicit question here, is it true that women get older faster than men?

finally let me tell you a little secret. do you know why I'm writing to you instead of speaking to somebody else? it is because of your article, I could easily detect from your tone, that you are more flexible than the others. I mean I stopped asking these questions (not because I found the answers ) because when the ones I asked couldn't answer me, they simply reply: OH OK, GO AND GET ANOTHER SUPER YOUNGER GIRL. I mean no, I love my girlfriend, and she is the one for me, but I can't shut the voice in my head, telling me to think twice, and to not let my heart decide what is for my mind to do.

Dear Reader:

Please think more clearly about this. You and your girlfriend are both young, there are many years ahead of you. I think it is foolish to worry so much about the distant future. There is no way to plan for what will happen. You may age faster than she, you may not even survive. Life is unpredictable. Think more about how you can create a loving, caring partnership, and less about whether she will "meet your needs" in 30 years.  "Stupid Cupid" tells you what it takes to make a relationship successful. 

How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together will help you learn how to get along with each other.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm Lonely and probably very naive

Dear Dr. Romance:

I fell for a man that I work with. He was married, and I was in a lesbian relationship. When I first saw this man, who I will refer to as John, I thought he was the most handsome man I had ever met in my life. I had dated men off and on, but my two long-term relationships were both with women.

When I began having feelings for him beyond a professional relationship, I moved out and was honest with my partner about having feelings for someone else. John also moved out of his house shortly thereafter. He got a hotel for two weeks and I pretty much stayed with him. We began a whirlwind romance. He then got an apartment and I moved my things into his place and pretty much moved in. I know; not the most sensible thing to do.

Fast forward: He said he and his wife needed to mend their relationship. He continued to tell me he wanted to see me exclusively and that we were going to "move forward in our relationship."

In the last two weeks, I have hardly see him.  He is always busy working on house projects and has been preoccupied applying for a new job.

The situation has been stressful from the get-go: wondering if he is going to get a divorce, living together for a year and then getting separate places, not meeting his daughter, and so forth.  I'm lonely and probably very naïve

Logically, I feel like I should run and think there is no possible way he could be ready to dive into another relationship.  On the other hand, I am not ready to throw in the towel yet. I don't want to keep waiting.  I am giving this relationship 6 more months. The other problem: he does not communicate. I feel like I am left in the dark and now that we both have time off (we both work at schools), he has time for everything and everyone else.

Advice?

Dear Reader:

You are wise enough to know you're probably being very naïve. Please stop waiting for this guy. He's not a good man. He cheated on his wife, and you don't trust him. Men like him rarely get divorced and marry the affair. He was using you to feel better about himself. Now, he's beginning to see what he's losing if he deserts his family. You're much better off focusing on getting a life of your own, which hopefully has nothing to do with dating married men.  "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  will help  you get busy making new friends and meeting new people. "Aspects of Love" will help you understand what reliable love is.  The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before 40 will help you understand what you really want and make better choices in the future.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: She runs my life like a prison

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm  in my early twenties.   I got to this country a few years ago from the Mideast. I used to love this lady I'm  in my early twenties.  I met this lady that was in her thirties, we dated for a couple years then she offered to marry me to improve my immigrant status.  I used to love this lady that is as old as my mom and everything was fine while we were dating,  but as soon as I put the ring on her finger the cover got blown away, and her action shifted.  

The whole reason for her idea is to have a young handsome man to show off, and because of my immigration status and her knowing that I'm basically stuck, she runs my life like a prison.

I'm going through a lot of stress, accusations, control, and mental games just because of my situation.  Immigration laws force you to stay married 5 years to that person in order for you to get legal in the USA, regardless of the circumstances that the marriage is going through. When we first got married I didn't have a job, so she forced me to get one and I don't see nothing wrong with that,  but I can't understand why she says that I can't work with women and I work so much and I'm cheating every time I can't answer the phone.  I lost three jobs because of her coming to my job sites "inspecting" her husband and whatever.

I know a lot of other people who are going through the same exact thing for the same reason and a couple of cases people got deported back where they came from (Arabs and Mexicans) just because their wife, and in a few cases husbands, got what they wanted out of the relationship and they wouldn't sign the "release "form (a paper the sponsor signs saying that he or she is really married to that person and they been together all the 5 years ) reminding you that they were taking the money the time and the life of the other person the whole time and then refuse to sign.

If you decide to use my story please don't mention any names .

Dear Reader:

This is about getting married for the wrong reasons.  You wanted to become a US citizen, and so this lady offered to help you do that, if you married her.  That was the bargain, and now you don't like the cost.  The good news is, you have only one year to go.  Try to make the best of it, and get your citizenship, and then when you've put in the five years, you can make a new choice.  It sounds like she doesn't trust you, because she recognizes that this was not a good reason for marriage.  

Perhaps if you try listening to what she wants, she'll be able to hear what you want.  "Asking for What you Want"   will teach you a better way to communicate. You two don't trust each other, so "Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude" will help you calm down and approach things differently.  

 How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together will help both of you understand each other.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on: 11 things people won't tell you about divorce

 There's a lot of misinformation about divorce, and Dr. Romance would like to clear up some of the confusion.

Here are 11 things people will not tell you about divorce.

1. Divorce will not make you happier, unless you’re leaving an abusive relationship.
2. Divorce sometimes seems easier than fixing your marriage, but it’s usually not.
3. Many divorced couples get back together later.
4. If you don’t have children, and feel OK about how you’ve divided the assets, you may not need to file. Leave it up to your spouse to pay the fees.
5. Sometimes filing for divorce is what it will take to get him to talk to you about what’s wrong.
6. Even if you’re eager to get the divorce, you’ll have a lot of grief.
7. If he is adamant about wanting a divorce, he probably has someone else already.
8. If money is important to him, protect yourself – he may try to leave you with nothing.
9. Even though you’ll have to go through grief, you can survive divorce.
10. You’ll find out who your friends are – they usually choose one partner to stay friends with.
11. You'll have to rebuild your life after divorce, so begin before you divorce -- you may find you can improve your satisfaction with your marriage.

If you do wind up ending a relationship, here's how to get through the divorce in good shape.

Dr. Romance's 5 tips to moving on emotionally after divorce:

1. If you gave it your best shot, and you know it's over, don't waste time in resentment and anger, it's self-destructive. Let go. Do your grieving, cry, journal, and talk about alone, or with a trusted friend. Have a "letting go" ceremony with close friends, and say goodbye to your married life. Put reminders away for a while.

2. Don't hesitate to get therapy to help you through this transition, so you can grieve what's lost (even if you're the one who left, you've lost your hopes and dreams for this marriage) and move your focus on to building a good life in your new circumstance. A professional viewpoint will help you move from past to present, and plan for the future.

3. Take care of yourself financially -- a good lawyer can help you fight for your rights. You'll
feel a lot less resentment if you get your fair share of the assets.

4. This is an important time to have your friends or family around you, you need support. Don't isolate. You don't have to go right out and date again (go slow with that) but you should have a social life with friends and family. Even if you don't think you feel ready to see people, see your closest friends and spend time with them. They'll help you heal, and remind you that you still have people who love you. Spend a lot of time with people you trust.

5. Focus on building your life. This is a great time to try something other than a relationship -- take a class, start a new business or career, get a puppy. Give yourself plenty of time to heal before taking another chance on love.

You can learn the relationship skills you need in How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Should I give up on her?

Dear Dr. Romance

A question for you: I have a female friend that I dated for 7 months - she dumped me - and is, I think, dating some other guy.

The question is: I have tried to ask her for 5 or 6 different events - and have gotten turned down for each one - with some excuse - the excuse sounds good - but I think its just that an excuse. So, the other day I point blank asked her -  do you want me to stop asking you out - and be honest" . Her reply was "NO".

Why tell me "NOT" to stop asking her out if she knows that she will never go out? Should I give up on her or is there a better solution?

Thanks for your opinion and help.

Dear Reader:

If you keep asking, you'll be seen as a stalker, and that won't get you any points.  Maybe she'd rather lie and string you along than hurt your feelings, but she's hoping you'll take a hint. 

Here's what I'd do. Ask her out, one more time, only let her choose date, time and place. She won't be able to make an excuse for that. Just say:  "I don't seem to be able to pick a time when you're available, so you choose the time and place, and I'd love to take you out." And see what happens. If she's just encouraging you because she likes being asked, but doesn't really want to go out, that will call her bluff. Here's the  catch, though. If she turns you down for this, you must not ask her again. Just accept that she doesn't really want to date you, and learn to let go.   "Letting Go Takes Love" will help you understand what happened and move on. 

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you help in figuring out what went wrong with this relationship, and how to move on to find another.

  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I feel quite abandoned by the both of them

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have a number of people I would consider friends - two in particular, that have lately become acquaintances, rather than friends, per se. One, in particular, my ex-girlfriend (who was a good friend 12 years prior to romance), no longer contacts me: calls, notes in the mail, or emails (except for a once in a blue moon occurrence) she only texts. In a couple weeks is a huge event in my life, one that I invited her to attend. She lives approximately 100 miles from me, a two hour drive. She has done the drive many times in the past, but I have not seen her since last October.  I invited her to join me in celebrating the milestone in my life (a religious rite) and her response, after a long wait for an answer, was "Sorry, gas is too expensive and I cannot spend the money". I get the sensation, implication, that our friendship is now ended, too, as she never has time to consider thinking of me.

 Another friendship that I have seen go by the waysides is with another man, a friend I have known for 17 years, since our first year in college, when we were neighbors in the dorms. We've had problems, partly due to the fact that he has an autism spectrum disorder that I only recently (two or three years ago) learned about, and I have my own issues: some resulted from a traumatic brain injury that are long-term. For years we could see each other often and have no fights, problems, or qualms. Then one day we decided it would be better to see less of each other as we tended to get in quarrels and spats over little things; essentially seeing too much of a person, like married couples, even, needing space.

Quite recently he has stopped contacting me for social engagements except on vary rare occurrence. Instead, as in today, he might call when he needs something from me, like today it was my assistance in emailing a company about a business venture. He even told me his plans for later in the night and how they did not include me, yet was disenchanted when I mentioned he could include me too. He stated he has *a special relationship* (It is not romantic) with the other person, a father-figure, if you will. I feel quite abandoned by the both of them especially, probably because I became accustomed to their being in my life. I have dealt with the ex-girlfriend being distant for four years, and that is minor by comparison, but the man lives in the same town as I do, and he is shirking his friendship responsibilities (too strong a word, as friendship is not a responsibility).

Dear Reader:

I'm wondering if you're not putting out angry messages you're not aware of, and thus putting people off. There are natural reasons why friendships fade away, especially in the instance of an ex; she's just moved on in her life, and you probably need to get that and let her go. It's time to make some new friendships. Also, if you're expecting that she do all the driving, it may seem too unfair for her.  Offering to pay gas money for her to come to your ceremony might be helpful.

As to the male friend who lives close by, I'm guessing that the problem is the anger expressed between you. Why don't you try asking him how he feels, and if he still wants to be friends? If he mentions that you seem angry, take that to heart and work on it. Given that you have problems stemming from a brain injury, the objective feedback from a therapist might be very helpful in gauging your own behavior. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a suitable therapist.  "Apology and Forgiveness" will help you understand more about how to repair relationship rifts.

Sad as it is, friendships drift away for all of us: people change, grow apart, and move away. Therefore, it's important to be open to new friendships to keep your social circle active.  "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends"  will help you expand your friendships.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand yourself and your friends better.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I Can't forget him after 10 years

Dear Dr. Romance:

I live in Southeast Asia.  I knew about you from the internet. I have a problem that I haven't found the way out till now. Before I tell you anything, first please forgive me if my English is not too well.

I am in my late 20's and for most local people at that age you should have had a family of your own in other word get married, have children. My parents are worried about me because till now I haven't found "MR RIGHT". They introduced me to some guys; and  even my aunts are worried about me. Moreover all my girlfriends are married and have children. I am never interested in any guys that have been introduced to me, there's always something wrong with them; or probably there's something wrong about me.

The problem is I'm still thinking about my ex-boyfriend. I'm deeply in love with him. even though we have broken up for almost 10 years still I can't forget him. We can't be together because he's in USA now. I think he's staying in the U.S and will never going back here again unless for vacation because his parents are still here. I know his address and his phone number but I don't have the gut to call him. I just sent him some short messages sometimes, and he replied my messages but not too many words because he always had an excuse to finish it. He told me once that if we were at the same place we could probably get back together again. He can't stand long distance relationship. He always wants his girlfriend stay close to him. He is also single now.

We haven't talked to each other for years. I always want to make the first move but I'm too afraid of his rejection. Most of my friends told me if I always compare every guy with him then I would never find someone, maybe they are right.

Please help me. I never told about this to my parents. My dad asked me once if I'm still thinking about my ex-boyfriend but I'm afraid to say yes. I told him that I never think about him anymore and we have lost contact. My dad told me if I still love him, he would let me go to USA to stay close with him. but I don't want that because I don't know what his reaction will be if I suddenly arrive and I don't know what I should do for living there.

Dear Reader:

Your Dad is right, your boyfriend probably isn't even the boy you knew any more. By fantasizing about this ex, you have turned him into a saint, a holy figure no other man can live up to. But, take a realistic look at this perfect boy. How does he treat you? As though he cares? I hope  you can see he does not. Put everything that reminds you of him into a box, including pictures. Put it all away, where you can't see it. Save out one picture that symbolizes your relationship, and then burn it or destroy it to put a symbolic end to that relationship, which is gone except in your mind. You will probably cry when you do this, which is OK. You'll be doing the grieving that is long overdue. Then, you'll be free to meet someone new, and get to know him for who he is. You'll be a lot happier with a real, less-than-perfect man than with a make-believe perfect one. "Where is Love?" and "When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships" will both help you to become more realistic about the situation. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today can help you let go of this fantasy relationship and develop a new, healthy one. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance's 10 Behaviors to Enhance Your Marriage

Want to make sure your relationship is a success?  Here are ten ways to bring the sparkle back and keep it going.

Dr. Romance's 10 Behaviors to Enhance Your Marriage

1. Talk frequently and honestly to each other --about your frustrations, about sex, about anger, about disappointment, about your appreciation of each other, about the meaning of life, about everything.
2. Strive to work together to solve anything that comes up -- be a team, a partnership. Don't get stuck on who's right or wrong -- focus on what will solve the problem.
3. Keep your connection going -- through communication, sex, affection, understanding and concern for each other.
4. Have a sense of humor, give the benefit of the doubt, care about each other.
5. It's not about who's right or wrong it's about solving the problem together.
6. With listening, caring and the willingness to change, anything in your relationship can be fixed.
7. It's a partnership, stupid! Stop struggling, and learn to work together.
8. Behavior that enhances relationships with people at work, and with your friends, will probably work if you use it with your spouse.
9. What goes around comes around, in love as well as life.
10. Be a grownup, not a little kid.

Adapted from How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free, 4th Edition

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: He can't forgive me

Dear Dr. Romance :

I am a 20 year old college student. I have been going out with a man for almost 2 years, I feel he is the one I want to marry but now we are having problems and I don't know how we are going  to stay together. I made the mistake of telling him about my past romantic history and he can't forgive me for it. I also feel he does not respect me. Please tell me what I can do about this.

Dear Reader:

In a lifetime together, you and your partner will have to know how to forgive each other many times over. This is a chance for you and your guy to figure out if you have what it takes to make it in a real relationship Tell him you're sorry he's hurt, and ask him if there's anything you can do to fix it. If he tells you something that makes sense, for example, to go to counseling together, do it. You can get free counseling at school, or at your church. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a good, affordable counselor.  "Relating With Love", "Handling The Green-Eyed Monster" and  "Apology and Forgiveness" are articles you can share with your guy to help you resolve the issues.

If he won't tell you a reasonable way you can resolve the problem, then tell him you can't be in a relationship with someone who can't love you enough to forgive what you did in the past, before you knew him. Then, let him go. Don't make any attempts to fix things or contact him -- let him stew in his own juices without you, until he figures out how important you are to him. If he loves you, he'll re-think things and come to you with some sort of solution to the problem.

If you're NOT that important to him, then you'll just have to move on -- he doesn't really love you anyway, and you need to grieve and find someone else.  It wouldn't hurt you to get counseling for yourself right now. You sound as if you have trouble standing up for yourself in relationships,  "Your Primary Relationship" will help you fix that.  

Good luck, I hope this works out well for you. Keep in mind that every relationship problem is an opportunity to learn something that will make your relationships better. 

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will help both of you understand each other, and give you ways to talk about issues that come up throughout your relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: How can I get my husband into therapy?

Dear Dr. Romance :

I'm getting worried because my husband is drinking more, and laughing less. He works too much, he has lost interest in his guy friends and sports. He's gotten more tense, and is on edge and irritable. Sometimes he even yells at me and the kids. I think maybe he needs professional help. What can I do? How can I get my husband into therapy?

Dear Reader:

Your husband or may believe that therapy is for the weak, and he was probably taught to be tough, self-reliant and never ask for help. Men are often reluctant to seek therapy. I recommend a progression of things to try to get him to go for counseling.

Sometimes an ultimatum works: "You get six sessions of therapy or I'm getting a divorce." But there are also other ways to encourage your partner to get therapy. You know him best. Think about what has worked most successfully in the past when you wanted him to do something he didn't want to do. How do you influence him? Plant the seed and nurture it. Be prepared to give him some time to get comfortable with the idea. Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship has many helpful exercises to help you communicate better with him.

See if you can suggest to your husband's doctor to prescribe therapy.  Internists, family doctors and even urologists are now trained to assess emotional disorders and to make referrals to therapists.  If asking your husband directly to get therapy doesn't work, make a doctor's appointment for him and talk to the doctor beforehand, asking him to prescribe therapy.  This works with many men.

If you go to church as a couple, ask for a couple session with your priest, minister or advisor, and tell spiritual counselor in advance that you think your husband needs to see a therapist.

If your husband likes to read online, "Anger: Cleansing Squall or Hurricane?" and "Anger Management" may help him understand himself better.

If none of this works, ask him to go to a therapy session with you. Say you’re unhappy, and you need his help.  When you get there, tell the therapist you're unhappy because your husband seems so unhappy.  Be willing to help him with it and cooperate with what the therapist recommends. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find an appropriate therapist or counselor.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: He Was Never That Into Me

Dear Dr. Romance:

I divorced my best friend of 13 years this past January. I'm having a hard time moving on... Let me very clear...over the past 13 years of our marriage..we were never sexually compatible...he was never that into me...I had an affair and I am still seeing that 'guy'... I do not want to give up my friendship w/ my ex... It's really affecting me...emotionally... Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated...

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.  Who says you have to give up your friendship with your ex? It sounds like it was always a friendship, not much of a marriage.  Is your current partner jealous (it's pretty standard not to trust someone who was cheating on her husband)? Or does the ex not want to be friends? 

Either way, the best way to go about being friends with an ex is to include the new partner in the friendship. This may be difficult, since your new partnership was an affair.  I'd suggest you talk frankly with both men, if that's possible, and see if you can work out a situation with boundaries that control the problems.  For example, promise (and mean it) your new partner that you won't be alone with the ex in private, only in public.  That way, you can go to lunch, but not be together in tempting situations, or scenarios that would make your partner jealous. 

Find out what was wrong with your sexual relationship with your ex.  Thirteen years is a long time to be married without sex.  Is he gay?  Maybe he has friends on the side, too.  Stop trying to guess what each man is thinking, and ask them.

"Asking for What You Want" will help you clear up the mysteries here by talking to both men; and "Handling The Green-Eyed Monster" will help you understand jealousy and what to do about it  

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences contains exercises, information, and dialogs you can use with both your men to understand your relationships better.   

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Domestic Violence

As a Psychologist, Dr. Romance knows that when we're surrounded by images of violence, it becomes "normalized" and we stop seeing it as unusual.

Anyone who watches the news is becoming aware that we live in a violent society: According to CNN: "33% increase in homicides" in 2020

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV):

• In the United States, more than 10 million adults experience domestic violence annually.
• If each of these adults experienced only once incidence of violence, an adult in the US would experience violence every three seconds. However, because domestic violence is a pattern, many experience repeated acts of abuse annually, so an incident of abuse happens far more frequently than every three seconds.
• in 4 women and 1 in 10 men experience sexual violence, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime with ‘IPV-related impact’ such as being concerned for their safety, PTSD symptoms, injury, or needing victim services
o Approximately 1 in 5 female victims and 1 in 20 male victims need medical care.
o Female victims sustain injuries 3x more often than male victims.
o 1 in 5 female victims and 1 in 9 male victims need legal services.
o 23.2% of women and 13.9% of men have experienced severe physical violence by an
intimate partner during their lifetime.
• From 2016 through 2018 the number of intimate partner violence victimizations in the United States increased 42%.
• On a typical day, domestic violence hotlines nationwide receive over 19,000 calls.
• An abuser’s access to a firearm increases the risk of intimate partner femicide by 400%.
• In 2018, partner violence accounted for 20% of all violent crime.
• Intimate partner violence is most common against women between the ages of 18-24.
• 19% of intimate partner violence involves a weapon.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the financial impact of domestic violence ranges from individual to societal. In fact, they say the lifetime economic cost associated with medical services, lost productivity from paid work, criminal justice, and other costs, was $3.6 trillion.

Hotlines

National Domestic Violence Hotlineexternal icon

• Call 1-800-799-7233 and TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Love Is Respect National Teen Dating Abuse Helplineexternal icon

• Call 1-866-331-9474 or TTY 1-866-331-8453.

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network’s (RAINN) National Sexual Assault Hotlineexternal icon

• Call 800-656-HOPE (4673) to connect with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

• Visit rainn.orgexternal icon to chat one-on-one with a trained RAINN support specialist, any time 24/7.

Resource Centers

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence (NRCDV)external icon is a comprehensive source of information for on domestic violence.

The National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC)external icon provides information, resources, and research on all aspects of sexual violence prevention and intervention.

PreventConnectexternal icon is a national project of the California Coalition Against Sexual Assaultexternal icon. PreventConnect’s goal is to prevent sexual assault and relationship violence by building a community of practice to develop, implement, and evaluate prevention initiatives.

Domestic violence is extremely serious; even verbal violence is serious. It is damaging to adults and also to the children who witness it. However, it doesn't have to be a deal breaker, if the person with the anger and violence issues gets help. When my clients experience violence, I strongly recommend that they get out of the presence of the violent person, right away and at least for the time being. Often, the threat of losing family is the only thing that will break through the narcissism of the violent person. Once that person gets help, acknowledges that he or she is out of control, and learns to control his or her temper and tantrums, then it is possible that the marriage can be saved. Learning self-control is not easy for people who are violent. They often have an exaggerated sense that their anger is not a problem: the other person is the problem. They also are usually psychically wounded from childhood, and this requires some work to resolve.

This is compounded by the victimized spouses or partners, who make excuses for the violence, take the blame, and are afraid to leave.

Domestic Violence -- Top 5 reasons to stay:

1. Your spouse truly recognizes he or she has a problem, and is willing to get help to fix it, and to be accountable for rebuilding trust.
2. You two are going to counseling, and understanding why the violence happened, and how to fix the problems.
3. You're learning how to problem-solve and cooperate as a couple, without fighting or violence.
4. You have a long, shared history, joint finances and children for whom it's worth keeping the marriage together (see #1)
5. You still love each other, and it's clearly mutual.

Top 5 reasons to go:

1. Your spouse is in denial, makes excuses, blames you.
2. You have had it, and no longer feel connected. Be sure this isn't just temporary anger.
3. You are prepared to be on your own.
4. You either have no children, they're grown, or you're certain a divorce will be better for them than what's going on.
5. Your spouse refuses to get help or admit he or she is out of control.

"Family Violence Q & A" can help if there's violence in your family. "Friends in Need: Interventions for Domestic Violence" will show you how to help effectively.

Adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Help me deal with this person without going insane

Dear Dr. Romance,

I'm a victim of emotional & mental abuse by my hopefully soon-to-be-ex husband. The sad truth is that this person doesn't or refusing to recognize what he's doing and I'm very worry for my 8 years old son who I'm sharing 50% custody with the father. I have recently found an article "Narcissistic Personality Disorder"  which described my situation 150% and found a little comfort in the article. Have you had experience with this disorder? Do you have any suggestions to help my son deal with his father's disorder until my son is older enough to understand/protect himself? Do you have any suggestions to help me deal with this person without going insane? Thank you so very much for your time and assistance.

Dear Reader:

Remember when your son was two years old? Narcissistic Personality Disorder is essentially a person who never grew emotionally beyond age two. There are many possible reasons for this, but the most prevalent is having parents who never demanded that their child learn to control his temper and emotions. This is what's going on with your soon-to-be-ex. 

Essentially, you have to treat your ex as a grown-up version of a two-year-old. Give him specific choices, and re-direct him from his focus with them. For example; Don't say "Don't be late to pick up our son" Instead, say "Are you going to pick up our son from school, or from here?"

Remember that narcissists are run by seeking narcissistic supply. They always want validation that they're important, that they are in charge, that you will give them what they want. Therefore, to keep them on their best behavior, withhold emotionally. A narcissist will not always behave well, no matter what you do, but he'll behave better more of the time if you are cool and distant.

He will also behave better if there are witnesses, so try to have a friend or relative around when you have to be in his presence. Don't let him think he's in charge, and don't try to placate him. When he misbehaves or loses his temper, get away from him, even if that means you have to leave your own house. In fact, it's better not to allow him in your house, for that reason.

As far as your son goes, it's vitally important that you not make excuses for his father. Your son will have to learn, sooner or later, that his father is incapable of truly loving him: -- in fact, narcissists often abandon their children, emotionally or physically. So let him find out directly from his dad. Then, when he no longer wants to be around his dad, you can help him avoid contact. If your ex is supposed to see his son, and calls you to tell you he's not coming, give the phone to your son, and let him tell your son directly. Keep a diary of your ex's behavior -- when he misses his visitation dates, etc. If he leaves ranting or threatening phone messages, record them, including the date and time. The diary and the messages will be useful in court for gaining full custody eventually.

To keep yourself sane, you must drop expectations of reasonable or rational behavior from this man. He's neither. Have a backup plan for any time he's supposed to see your son, because he will become more and more irresponsible about it. For example, if he's to pick your son up at school, have a way for your son to contact you if his dad doesn't show.

If you don't oppose him or get upset about whatever happens with your son, he will eventually stop seeing your son most of the time. If you allow him to see that he can upset you by how he treats your son, then your son will become a tool he can use. You want to avoid that. 

"Less Talk, More Action"  "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship" "Coping with Critics" will give you the information you seek for dealing with your ex.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand how Narcissism develops and how to handle it.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I have always been a good mom

Dear Dr. Romance

I am writing to you for your professional opinion regarding my teenage son.  His behavior overall is good but when he gets angry he throws things swears a lot and just a few minutes ago destroyed my vacuum cleaner in one blow to the floor.

I am a single parent about 9 months out of the year and my son is for the most part a big help to me. I have one daughter also who is two years younger.

How can I help him see what he is doing and control his urge to break or throw something when he is upset. He does not do this every time, but it is very upsetting to me and his younger sister when it happens.

I am afraid to tell his father because he is so loud and I don't know for certain that he could contain himself once he started to discipline our son.

We live in a small town and our son is an athlete at one of the two high schools. I do not want to hurt his future with everyone knowing this problem, but at the same time I want to help him.

I feel alone in this problem as my parents are in the same town but are 80 years old. I don't want them to know the every little thing that goes wrong. My father has been a very big part of my sons life and filled in the fatherly gaps while my husband is away.

What can I do? Am I standing in the way? I have always been a good mom. I have disciplined with compassion, always been there to listen or lend a hand with homework, taken him to practice and games and most importantly made him feel loved. Please Help.. Thank you..

Dear Reader:

It's so difficult to be both mother and father to your son, I know. I'm guessing, from what you said about his father being loud, that your son thinks it's "manly" to throw temper tantrums, which actually is childish, not manly. It's really important to nip this in the bud, before he learns from interacting with you that it's OK to be violent and angry with women. Although your son seems to be grown-up in other ways, emotionally he has some maturing to do. It's really imperative to get the help of someone, his coach, perhaps, or a teacher, a pastor, a school counselor or other role model who can teach him how to control his temper. If he doesn't learn to do that, he'll have trouble all thorough his life because of it.

You have to tell some people who can help, even if it is embarrassing. You and your son need an objective, knowledgeable party who has the authority to convince your son he needs to change; and not just for you, but for his own good. You can read some of the articles on my website, like "Mirrors and Teachers"  and "Emotional Abuse: What it is and What to do"; "Avoiding The Drama Triangle";" How to Change Someone" Which will give you some tools to use. It would be a good idea to get counseling with your husband, if possible, or on your own.   It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction could be helpful to all of you to change your toxic family dynamic.

But please don't try to do this all by yourself. If your son won't go for counseling, go by yourself to get some tools you can use. The best of luck to you and your family.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Something Might Just Happen!

Dear Dr. Romance:

I think I may be having some difficulty within my marriage! :(  I don't really know if you can even help me! Maybe even give me some recommendations! I've been married for over 25 yrs. and we are in our 50s. Ever since we had a child 13 yrs ago there has been no more "romancing" in this marriage.  I miss it so much and he's not even into it no more :( He has Diabetes Type 2 and I'm just really depressed about things, plus we have money situations. I feel sooooo sickly ! :( I'm on this dang computer conjuring up guys so I can talk to them and now even thinking about having relations w/ one. I'm really thinking about it, but I'm scared and I'm also a Christian and I don't want to jeopardize my marriage or my son's feelings but I'm at the point where I want to "explode" and have an affair!!!! I feel so lonely and I'm married for gosh sakes and to me that is not normal!!! :(

My son is "Autistic" and I don't want to hurt him in any way but if the right guy came along and really talked me into being w/him it wouldn't take much for the way I feel. Something might just happen!!! Can you please save me, or who else should I take this sad heartfelt marriage dilemma on the rocks to?

Dear Reader:

Be very careful; you are talking yourself into having an affair, making up excuses already, and that's dangerous. Nothing will 'just happen.' It will happen only if you agree to participate, and that's not a good idea. Instead, get yourself some counseling, either from a therapist, from family services, or from a pastor, to fix the problems of your marriage. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find the right counselor. Encourage your husband to talk with his doctor (go with him, and explain the problem) to get help for his sexual function.  

Type II diabetes can definitely affect a man's sexual function and desire, but there are so many things you can do to get sexual release and satisfaction even with the diabetes problems. Please get some help, you're under a lot of stress. Don't make things more stressful and create a tragedy by having an affair. Money Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship will help you communicate more successfully about sex and marital problems with your husband.

  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on shared laughter

Dr. Romance writes: A lighthearted approach to serious matters often is the most productive one. Imagine what your days would be like if you focused on having fun and making yourself and your partner laugh. Fun is also good for your health: Telling your partner the cute thing your kid said (or your pet did) or talking about the funny scene in the latest hit movie will lower your blood pressure, calm your pulse and generally help you release a lot of stress. Laughing with your partner is good for your heart, gives you a little bit of aerobic exercise, and reminds both of you about how good you are for each other. Shared laughter also synchs up your emotional rhythms, which makes it easier for you and your partner to feel connected and intimate with each other.

Loving, shared laughter also enhances self- acceptance. The paradox seems to be that having permission for child-like play also gives permission to be responsible and self-accepting. When you don't make nasty jokes or cruel remarks about each other and your love, and make silly ones instead, you can laugh with each other, and feel good about it. It's also difficult to store up resentments against the person in your life who makes it easiest for you to laugh.

Try it and soon you’ll find yourself looking for ways to make each other laugh. Try pushing your partner’s “laugh buttons” and tickling his or her funny bone and you’ll see how much fun it is.

Instead of treasuring old grudges, and hurts, learn to treasure old jokes and funny lines. Shared laughter can evoke an overwhelming feeling of warmth and caring for each other. The endorphins released by mutual humor flows over both of you, and create joy. Humor is the secret in both keeping your love fresh and alive, and in feeling confident that you will not lose your specialness to each other.

The less you struggle, the more you’ll laugh and play. Struggle can become addictive and be used in relationships to structure time; but when you replace the drama of struggle with the delight of humor you can create positive addiction; and a powerful solution for what to do with your time together.

There is a blessing in the joy of shared laughter. Try it: get cartoons or jokes that pop up on your computer every day, share a joke you got via e-mail or talking about the funny scene in the latest hit movie. Laughter will lower your blood pressure, calm your pulse and generally help you and your partner to release a lot of stress.

The benefits of laughter are numerous and the existence of frequent, warm laughter in your relationship indicates that all is going well, and gives you both confidence that problems can be overcome.

If something frustrating is happening, try easing the tension with a bit of humor to change stress to silliness. Don’t poke fun at your mate, but use shared humor as a way to say “I know this is tough, but we’ll get through it.” Your mate will think of you as someone soothing and helpful to have around when problems happen. Won't it be great to represent fun and happiness to each other?

Adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Is Facebook romance hopeless?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am in an unusual situation.  I was speaking to a random person on Facebook one time.  We became Facebook “friends”, and we kept chatting back and forth on e-mail.  This girl was already dating someone (not very happy though), but I guess she kind of started to feel uneasy about writing back and forth with me anymore.  That’s fine, I understand that. 

Anyway if you know about Facebook, they usually have a list of your best friends off to one side.  One of that girl’s friends is pretty attractive and I started to talking to her.  She’s single.  We also became “friends”, and we’ve been writing back and forth for a little while.  Kind of small talk regarding things like:  what sports we like, things we’re doing on the weekend, things about our family, etc.  Anyway, I really like her a lot.  She’s the kind of person I could definitely see having for a nice long-lasting relationship.  Obviously, I’d like to meet her.  One big problem.  We live about a 3 hour drive from each other.  Neither she or I have mentioned meeting.  I’ve just been thinking about it.  I have a feeling if I bring that up, she might freak or something (or maybe she won’t; each woman is different).

We’re both single, never married, fairly young, and with no kids.  So besides work, no other serious responsibilities.  What might you suggest as a way to pursue reaching her.  Or is it just hopeless idea? Thanks for any help!

 Dear Reader:

More hopeless ideas than this one have actually worked.  But, you have to go about it properly.  I'd put out a feeler, something like "I wish we didn't live so far apart; it would be fun to talk F2F."  That's a hint, without being pushy.  It's complementary, and gives her a chance to think about whether she'd like to contact you or not.

 If she says she'd like to see you, too, I'd suggest finding a venue either where she lives, or somewhere in-between, and proposing you meet there.  Maybe for a sporting event?  It doesn't have to be expensive, you can choose a high school event.  Or, some kind of festival that happens nearby, where you can just wander around together, have something to eat, see the sights.  Anything very public is not too threatening, and if she has her own transportation, she will feel safer.  I don't know where you are, so you'll have to fill in the blanks, and come up with the ideas. 

A three-hour drive every time you meet, in these high-cost gas days might be a big obstacle, but it also might provide the kind of brakes on the relationship that allow it to grow at a slow, healthy pace. 

In addition, please don't put all your hopes on this girl.    "Where is Love"  and "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will help you find easier ways to meet appropriate dates.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has a lot of information and exercises to help you date successfully.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: What Is The Grieving Process?

Dear Dr. Romance:

What Is The Grieving Process? What are the stages of the grieving process? How long does it take to go through each stage? Can one stage be relived over and over again? Is there a way to help someone through each stage?

Dear Reader:

If you've had a personal loss, I am sorry that you have to go through it.  The traditional stages of grieving, developed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, are Denial (or shock), Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. How long it takes depends on how big the loss is. We can grieve even over the loss of a job.  "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" will give you more details and specific help with grieving.  I recently developed a course on grief: Grief: What it is, Why we have it, and How to get through it  

Grief is an organic process, it has its own wisdom, and it needs a witness. An understanding friend, family member or co-worker can be that witness. There is nothing you can do to make a terrible loss less tragic, so the grief, anger and frustration that you feel are normal reactions to the circumstances. So you go through the stages of grief: shock, anger, seeking, depression and peace. It's normal for both of you to feel fear and rage that something terrible happened, a need for prayer and comfort, bouts of being overwhelmed, exhausted, disconnected, and depressed, and, finally, acceptance and understanding that this devastating event is a part of the risky life we humans all live. These feelings will come jumbled up, they'll recycle, and come in different order. 

Grief is an essential life skill -- knowing how to survive grief means feeling safe to take another risk, and grieving actually expands one's capacity to love.  Expression of grief, and respect for the dead, is very important to the grieving process. 

Anniversaries are very important in the grieving process. Each time an anniversary comes around, survivors relive the original loss. The first year of grief is the hardest, because it presents you with anniversaries and/or holidays all year around and each one is the first time without your loved one. The second year is somewhat easier, because you've survived each anniversary once. The actual anniversary of the event is the day that marked the change in your life, so for most people it continues to be significant. Marking the anniversary of your loss with a ceremonial event (such as posting on a grief site) helps you feel better. It also helps to include a reference to the person who was lost on each significant occasion, such as wedding anniversaries, religious holidays and birthdays. 

The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs contains helpful information about recovering from grief.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm Living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am having issues with my boyfriend. I was searching online and found an article that spoke of your book How to Be a Couple and Still be Free. I started doing some research on you and your other books (It Ends With You, How to Be Happy Partners,  The Real Thirteenth Step all struck my personal interest). I am from the US but at the moment I live in South America. My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic who has 2 1/2 years clean and sober. He attends AA meetings at least 3 times a week but I feel as if its not enough.

He has turned into a verbally abusive person who avoids confronting issues, lies, and caused many issues with me and my family. At one point I started yelling back and became violent with him. I turned into a part of the problem instead of being a part of the solution. The relationship has become dependent, resulting in him spending large amounts of time at my house and the feeling that I almost need his permission to go out with friends. I, in result, have become a jealous girlfriend, a trait I know single-handedly murders a relationship. He resents and mocks me when I say, "we have to learn 'to be a couple and still be free'", thinking that I have an ulterior motive. He is just now looking for a job.

With all of this said, our relationship of 2 years has not been all bad. In fact, he has helped me with a great deal with my own issues (a sort of second hand NA, using the same principles applied to my life). The times when he doesn't bear a striking resemblance to Mr. Hyde, he is a genuinely good person. My relationship with him is one of the most cherished things I have in my life. But I often joke that I am dating two people, Him and his Ego. This is the last opportunity I can give, because beyond this I am just abusing myself.

I have 3 questions for you:

1. How can I go about mentioning these books to him without a fight? I don't know how to reach him so we can have a rational conversation, instead of using avoidance and making empty threats.

2. By any chance can these books be found in Spanish?(he speaks English but his native language is Spanish)

3. Do you know if any of these books can be found in South America?

I hope this email wasn't too long, I am sure you are a very busy woman.

Thank you in advance for the benefits I will receive from these books.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry to hear you're having trouble with your boyfriend.  I don't know if your boyfriend is or was addicted to drugs, but you say he's now clean and sober for 2 1/2 years, which is great. People who get sober often are left with problems like rage, because they stunted their emotional growth with drinking and/or drugs. AA meetings, even three times a week, are not enough. He could benefit from reading The REAL 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self- Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve-Step Programs.

He probably won't be able to control his anger until he gets some help -- anger management classes or therapy. I am not familiar with the customs in your country, but in many Hispanic areas, it is considered "macho" for men to be angry, it's seen as OK, and that makes it even harder for a man to get the help he needs.

You are right that getting angry yourself is becoming part of the problem instead of the solution. You need to stay out of fights, and get away from your boyfriend when he is angry. Don't stoop to his level.  You don't live together, so if he misbehaves, don't see him for at least a week. He needs training, like a child who throws temper tantrums. You're also right to use the Dr. Jekyll /Mr. Hyde analogy, because it fits people with anger problems very well. The Mr. Hyde part of the brain is hidden until triggered, so the man appears to be wonderful until he suddenly becomes enraged. It's important to tell him (make sure you are safe -- do it by e-mail or by phone and don't be alone with him) that you will leave him if he doesn't learn to control his anger. You can tell him I said being angry like that is very childish, and not manly at all.

Here are the answers to your questions.

1. How can I go about mentioning these books to him without a fight? I don't know how to reach him so we can have a rational conversation, instead of using avoidance and making empty threats.

You won't be able to tell him these things if he doesn't want to hear it. If he has a sponsor in NA, you might want to get the sponsor to be present and to back you up. Or, have people around who are safe for you. Mr. Hyde never goes away: he can come out at any moment, so protect yourself.

2. By any chance can these books be found in Spanish? (he speaks English but his native language is Spanish)

I'm afraid the only book of mine that is published in Spanish (that I know about) is Las 10 Decisiones Que Toda Mujer Debe Tomar Antes De Los 40 which doesn't really apply.  Maybe you could read The Real 13th Step together in English.

3. Do you know if any of these books can be found in South America?

I know you can order them from Amazon.com, and if there are bookstores that carry English books, you may be able to find them there. Links to order them are on my website.

It's not a good idea to waste much time on an angry man. You could find a loving man instead, one who gets along with your family, and is loving toward you. Finding one who is healthy to begin with is easier and safer than trying to fix this one.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  can help you find a guy without the anger problems.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on The Perks of Dating a Divorced Person

Dr. Romance asks:  Should you date someone who is divorced?  Does it mean the person can't commit or trashes relationships?

It's possible that those things are true, but let's look on the positive side.  What are the perks of people who have already been through the mill?

1. Divorced people are no longer living in fantasy land. A person who’s divorced may have made some mistakes, but he or she’s usually got a more realistic picture of what it will take to have a successful relationship.

2. A prior marriage is evidence that your date can commit. As long as the marriage lasted for a while before the divorce, it's proof that our date can make a commitment and follow through.

3. Marriage can educate a person about partnership and how it works. Even though the previous marriage didn’t work, while it lasted, both partners probably learned some valuable things about relating to a partner, (even if it's only what doesn't work) and you’ll be the beneficiary of that wisdom.

4. Your date may have learned how to communicate and cooperate to run a joint life. Many divorced people have become good at cooperation. They have experience sharing finances, children, a home, and coordinating time schedules. These can be great perks.

5. Your date probably understands the positive side of emotional intimacy, and may miss it, which is a great opportunity for you.

6. A divorced person is usually housebroken. he or she knows how to not live like a single person, and how it feels to have a nice, well-kept home, and a full refrigerator.

If your divorced date has children, read "The Challenges of Blended Families"

Adapted from Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Should she tell the man she's in love with him?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have a friend who's asking for an advice and accidentally, I saw in the internet your advice to some heart problems. So I told myself to try ask help from you also. This lady friend of mine is well, kind of in love with a man who's also in love with her. However, a friend of ours also is I think falling in love with the same man.  So, my friend does not know what to do.  Is it just right for her to tell to the man she is in love with him even if doing so will hurt our other friend?  Because the advice that I had given to her is to better tell what she feels. And also, She does not know if the man still loves her because lately he acts somewhat different.  It's as if something turned out bad. I hope you can give some advice.

Dear Reader:

What are the facts? If this guy is dating both women, then he's just having a good time, and not thinking about commitment. If he's not dating either, then this is all just fantasy. Both ladies should stick with reality, and not get too far into their hopes about this guy. The big question is, has he asked either or both of them out on a date? If he has dated your friend, then she should not tell him what she feels (it's usually pretty disastrous with a guy) but ask him what he wants to do about their friendship. If he hasn't dated her, she should take the lead and ask him out to coffee or lunch, to let him know she's interested. Whatever she does, she shouldn't make a dramatic declaration of feelings unless he does. That just spooks a man, and sends him away.  "You Be the Judge" will help your friend think more clearly about men.  "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk" will also help her understand the difference between a good guy and a bad one.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today is full of exercises and information to help your friend be more successful at finding a good partner.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I have a family member with two failed marriages

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have a family member with two failed marriages, after she asked for my advice I suggested a spousal abuse counselor for therapy. She didn't receive counseling and went on to a second failed marriage. This time even worse than the first. She doesn't understand the reasoning for counseling. She is under the advice of a friend who said you just pick up the pieces and move on. With the second marriage not only beatings but terrible financial problems and two children to boot. We talked again about seeing a counselor this time she found a friend whose mother counseled children on proper manners in school. I was kind of hoping you could shed some light on what the need for counseling is all about and why it's necessary. thank you

Dear Reader:

I'd be happy to shed light. Counselors do several things. They help clients heal emotional wounds left over from the past, and help them reconfigure patterns that may result from those same past experiences, which lead them to repeat the same errors. In addition, counselors are life coaches, who help people think through their decisions and help them make better choices in their daily lives. Counselors also help guide people through grief and loss, and overcome guilt and hurt feelings.

 "Guidelines for finding and using therapy wisely"; "Ten Things People Don't Understand About Counseling" "Family Violence Q & A"  and "How to keep yourself out of a violent relationship" will all help your friend understand the need for counseling, and "Friends in Need: Interventions for Domestic Violence" will help you understand how best to help her.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help your friend understand the early roots of her relationship problems.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: AA only goes so far

Dear Dr. Romance 

I am 13 years sober through the 12 steps of  AA, but I haven't been to more than one meeting in the last 2 years, after making 3 a  day for the 1st yr. and averaging 5 a week for the next 4 years! AA only goes so far. They do not tell you that. If you are still feeling "crazy" after a few years you are  accused of not working the steps, reading the book or going to meetings. It takes a dysfunctional person a long time to figure this stuff out on his own... that is, that he (me)  needs serious outside help (on the inside job).

I was really glad to find your book, The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs

I will work on the exercises in your book: I like the "committee," and the trouble spot exercises best.  I wanted most of all to tell you  how profoundly your discussion on not being able to think clearly due to all the  different voices in my head being in conflict has had on me. I never made it to a university degree and I always thought there was something wrong with me that I couldn't, (although now I see  it was quite an accomplishment to have completed 86 units (hours) of 120 for a BS).   I believe I have a wonderful and creative mind, but I am  running out of time. I'm now 47...

Dear Reader:

I'm glad my book is helping, and happy to be able to tell you a new eBook version recently came out.  It sounds as though you are doing good work, so keep it up. AA is a big help in the beginning, but you're right, they don't cover everything.  You have accomplished a lot, and you can learn everything you still need to know. Don't forget to give yourself credit.  I know AA is concerned about grandiosity, and reluctant to give credit for accomplishment -- but you need to understand the difference between false pride and reality based pride.

You're right, you need objective information and advice from someone who is trained and really knows the difference.   "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  will help you find a competent and knowledgeable therapist.  The major key to your recovery is developing your relationship to you, for which you had very dysfunctional models.  when you get that going well, you'll have more objectivity about your own actions, and how others are treating you.  It's a relief to finally understand what's wrong, isn't it?

Getting most of a degree is an accomplishment to be proud of.  If you can do that, you can do whatever you want.  It's a lot easier, however, when you're working with yourself, fighting yourself.  "Winning the War Within" will help you stop the inner fight that confuses you and slows you down.

You're not so old, it's never too late, you know.  You can still have a happy and productive life.  Keep doing what you're doing, and it will work.

You'll find that It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction helpful in understanding inherited issues from your family

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com