Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: Why do I not care that my girlfriend broke up with me?

Dear Dr. Romance:

This girl wasn't really my girlfriend but we pretty much were dating. I was thinking of asking her out in a few days. We talked today and she said she would rather be friends. I thought I should be mad or sad but the weird thing is I don't really care. Why? Is this normal? Is there something wrong with me? Please help! Thanks

Dear Reader:

It sounds like you two just weren't that great a match, and you didn't have a chance to bond. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. You could learn something about yourself if you took a little time to think about what you liked and didn't like about this girl. Why were you attracted to her? What do you think made her turn you down? It might help you make a choice in the future. "You Be the Judge" will help you use your own judgment to decide whether someone is a good bet for a relationship or not. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today gives you guidelines and information on how to make connections and keep them going.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance Video: Infidelity -- Stay or Go?

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Discovering your partner has been unfaithful is a shock. Your first instinct may be to run, but if you have a shared history, children and finances, you may wonder – should you stay or go?

Dr. Romance shows you how to decide.

When you get the devastating news that your spouse has had an affair, how do you decide whether to stay or go? Because you feel betrayed, your first impulse is usually anger, and wanting to leave – fight or flight. But, after you calm down, you realize there’s a lot you’ll lose, and you may have children to consider.

Don’t make an instant decision you may regret later, after the damage is done. It’s possible to find an extraordinary love after divorcing late in life, but most of my clients report the potential partners out there are no better than the ones they left.

While I don't think you should stay and suffer if nothing’s working, in my practice I see many couples who do the work and wind up happier than before. The affair may have happened after long-standing problems in the marriage, which can actually be corrected to the satisfaction of both partners. Often dissatisfaction grows from resentment, and the root causes can be fixed with the help of counseling.

If both partners are willing to change what’s not working, a marriage can be improved can be turned into a satisfying life of enjoyable companionship.

I also see a fair number of couples who get back together after a divorce, because they had a chance to see what it’s like to be alone, and to calm down and get over petty resentments. Unfortunately, now they’re a lot poorer because of the costs of the divorce, dividing up property, and so on.  "Infidelity: Stay or Go" gives you some reasons to stay or go:

Top 5 reasons to stay:

*Your spouse truly recognizes he or she has a problem, and is willing to get help to fix it, and to be accountable for rebuilding trust.

*You two are going to counseling, and understanding why the affair happened, and how to fix the problems.

*You're getting your own sex life back on track, if it was off track.

*You have a long, shared history, joint finances, and family ties that make it worth keeping the marriage together.

*You still love each other, and it's clearly mutual.

Top 5 reasons to go:

*Your spouse is in denial, makes excuses, and blames you. This means he or she is invested in the cheating behavior, and not ready to change.

*You have had it, no longer feel connected, and are not willing to work on it. Be sure this isn't just temporary anger.

*You are prepared to be on your own.

*You either have no children, they're grown, or you're certain a divorce will be better for them than what's going on.

*Your spouse refuses to give up the other relationship, or infidelity in general.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: How do I flirt to grab a guy's attention?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'd like to learn something flirty and funny that will grab a guys attention!?
 I am going bowling with my crush and a group of friends (I never talk to my crush so this is huge!) and I am trying to think of some cute flirty things to say! Any suggestions? Examples please :) -Like lets say I make a mistake and get a gutterball or fall or something what is something flirty and cute I can say? - Or lets say he is pretty good at bowling- whats a good cute comment?! Stuff like that :) 

Dear Reader:

Guys like to feel competent, so congratulating him on his bowling skill is great. Don't try too hard to be flirty and funny -- you could easily come off silly and awkward. Instead, make eye contact, respond to what he's saying or doing, and ask him for help with your bowling. You don't need to create a false personality to attract him. You want him attracted to you, as you are. Just look good (but not slutty) and be alert to whatever he's saying and doing.  "Turn on Your Charm" has more detailed flirting tips. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has the specific conversations you're looking for, plus a lot more tips and exercises to help you get over your self-consciousness.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Do I surprise her with a gift?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I know I feel strongly about a certain someone. Do I surprise her with a gift or e-mail her with my recent feelings through a tough time?

Dear Reader:

It sounds like you're way ahead of yourself and her. I think a gift would be completely out of line at this point. If she's responded well, have you had a date yet? Asked her out for coffee? You're right to be scared about overdoing it. You can't force a relationship by declaring your love. Save that for after you've dated for a while.  Take it one step at a time. If you haven't asked her out, just ask her. If you've been dating for a while, ask her how she feels about commitment and relationships.  "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  will help you be successful with this woman or another.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today can help you with these questions.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Is it more important to be balanced or compatible?

Dear Dr. Romance:

What  is more important in a relationship: being balanced or compatible?

Dear Reader:

 Compatibility trumps balance, but balance may be an important component of compatibility. Compatibility means having similar core values, living together well and comfortably, and being able to talk through problems and reach a mutually satisfactory solution.  Balance is similar to mutuality.  

Differences can be frightening, and make resolving problems and conflicts with our intimate partners tense and difficult. In a relationship intimate enough that we feel a deep bonding or sense of commingled identity, it’s easy to experience disagreements as threatening. Disagreeing seems to indicate we are separate individuals who perceive everything differently, and have different needs and wants, and we fear that we'll be rejected or disapproved of if we are different.

With good communication and negotiation skills, any couple can create satisfying, loving intimacy. When you and your partner know how to cooperate, you can build a partnership in which you:

• Give and take equally.
• Are committed to mutual satisfaction.
• Face problems rather than avoiding them.
• Work together toward mutual satisfaction.
• Feel like a team.
• Treat each other's feelings, wants and needs as important.
• Share thoughts and feelings freely.
• Encourage each other and create excitement as well as comfort and security.
• Feel comfortable, satisfied, stimulated, and thus secure in the relationship.
• Have confidence that your relationship will last.

"Couples Can Cooperate For Success" will help you understand how to achieve mutuality.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition contains information and exercises to help you learn mutuality and cooperation with your partner.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

Dr. Romance on How Not to be Shy at a Party

Dr. Romance writes:  Happy New Year! Are you dreading all the social occasions this time of year? 

If you're an introvert, you can enjoy parties, too, when you learn to respect who you are and don’t let negative fantasies take over.  Limit your social engagements to those that are manageable or meaningful to you, and allow plenty of time for being by yourself or with a single friend, if that's what makes you happy.  If you're not happy about missing out on all the parties, here are some strategies to help.  

It’s no surprise that awkwardness, fear and embarrassment arise from a poor self-image. To overcome this problem, recognize that you’re not going to please everyone, and that sometimes you’ll be disappointed, but it won’t kill you. It's also OK not to be the life of the party.  Everyone loves a good listener, and just observing and enjoying the atmosphere is a perfectly fine thing to do.  Seek out one person you know and like, and focus on enjoying him or her.  Also, volunteering to help at the function will give you something to do and you'll feel better.  Even if you're walking around picking up the empty cups and used plates and napkins, you'll feel less awkward than if you're just standing there. 

When you’re in a new, nervous situation, don’t use alcohol for false courage. You may survive being tipsy, but if you really want to be seen as charming and attractive, you won’t allow yourself to behave badly.  Instead, practice before you get into the new situation. In Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today, I recommend this “roll the tape” exercise: picture yourself attending the holiday function, and watch the scene play out like a video. “Re- roll the tape” several times, and go through the scene again. Practice some different responses and different approaches until you feel comfortable with it. Then, you can try it in the real world.

To enhance your positive experience, do the following steps before any new activity:
1. Make a mental note of the possibilities: Can you learn something there? Can you meet a new friend? Will just getting out of the house and around new people feel good?
2. Remind yourself of your goals: You’re going there to make new friends and to have fun.
3. Review your positive personal qualities: What do your friends like about you? What do you like about you? Your intelligence, your sense of humor, your style, your conversation skills? Are you a kind and caring person? Reminding yourself of these qualities means you will enter the event radiating that positive energy.

Research shows that people who have a positive outlook have better lives, partly because a positive attitude is attractive and charming, and people are drawn to it. As a result, you make friends. When you are positive you are supportive of yourself and others, you notice the good things more than the bad things, which makes it easier to connect to others. In addition, you feel much better about yourself, which means you feel more deserving of friends. It’s a positive spiral, and goes up and up.

Guidelines for being charming at a party:
1. Be interesting: Wear attractive, but interesting, clothing—something that reflects who you are. If you like travel, for example, wear a shirt, scarf, tie or jewelry from another country, or wear something that reflects your ethnic background, or a hobby (sports, the outdoors, a Hawaiian-type shirt with surfboards, gardening implements or an animal print) or a holiday pin. It will help start conversations.

2. Pay attention: Look around you, and seek to make friends. Notice who’s around you and what’s interesting or attractive about them, Find an interesting thing about what they’re wearing, and compliment it. "Excuse me, but I couldn’t help noticing that gorgeous color -- it looks great on you." or, "What a fascinating watch! Where did you get it?"

3. Prepare in advance: Read up on some current topics to talk about—the background doings of a hit movie, some new technology advance, or a cool new trend. Then, when someone wants to talk to you, you’ll have something to say.

4. Find a way to help: What needs doing that you might enjoy? If you haven’t experienced this event before, I recommend finding a “job” to do. Don’t just say “what can I do to help?” Instead, volunteer for something specific: to greet people and take coats, or keep the food table replenished, or refill drinks. It will give you a feeling of belonging, a great excuse to meet everyone, and you’ll be busy enough to keep your nervousness at bay. The host or hostess will be grateful and remember you later.

5. Follow through: If you do meet someone you’d like to know better, follow the party with an invitation for coffee. The best friendships begin in these social situations.

Once you are meeting people, you need to create the proper energy level to be charming and attractive. Match your energy to the energy of the people at the event. Obviously, if you’re dancing or eating barbecue poolside, the energy level will be pretty high. If you’re having quiet conversations at a cocktail party, discussing books, or sitting down to dinner, the energy will be more mellow and focused.

Conversations at events you attend should be like tennis matches. That is, the other person “serves” he or she asks a question or makes a statement. Then, you “volley” back you answer the question with the kind of answer that invites a response. For example:

He: “How do you know our hostess?”
You: “We went to school together. I like Pam’s friendliness, don’t you?”

This invites your companion to respond, and keeps the “volley” going. If the conversational thread ends, The next “serve” is yours. If you have to re-start the conversation too often, excuse yourself and move on. That person is not interested enough. If you force the other person to do all the conversational “work” he or she will move on pretty quickly. One-syllable answers are a pretty clear indication of lack of interest, even if you didn’t mean it to be that way. Instead, turn on your charm, and the other person will want more time with you. 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Is it possible to love someone without ever dating them?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Is it possible to love someone without ever dating them? If so, how can you tell that you are in love? 

Dear Reader:

Yes, it's possible to fall in love without dating. For example, if you have a close friend, classmate, work associate, neighbor or friend of a friend that you have spent time with (without dating) you can become attached. Most of the time, however, loving someone from afar has a strong fantasy component, which can be misleading. You don't really know if it's real love without direct experience of the other person face to face. Also, it won't be lasting love if it's not reciprocal. The following tips will help you figure it out:

Dr. Romance's 3 tips to finding true love:

 1. Know the difference between fooling around and building a real relationship. You can mess around with anyone (if you understand the deal and have safe sex) but before you bring someone into your life, or share money or living space, remember they're bringing baggage. Know what's hidden –what's not said at the beginning. Their baggage becomes your problem. Remember, whoever you're dating is on best behavior. It gets worse later, not better.

2. Understand your own needs. Need a lot of space? Want lots of affection? Have to know what's going on all the time? Like to share everything? Or are you able to relax and go with the flow? Whatever your style is, it's OK, but you need to know it and be able to communicate it to your future spouse. You can teach each other, if you both know what you need.

3. Don't seek romance, seek partnership. Romance is for dates, and fun to have on occasion in your marriage, but it's partnership that will get you through the rough times. Don't look for someone who sweeps you off your feet. That indicates a control freak, and you won't like what happens later. Look for someone who likes give-and-take, who seeks your opinion and considers it, who cares about what you want, too.

"Stupid Cupid" will give you more information on how to tell if you're in true love, and Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today covers everything you need to know about dating and developing a relationship.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I had to pay for everything

Dear Dr Romance:

I recently met a divorced Russian woman with her teenage old son while on vacation, we spent a lot of time together. I enjoyed their company very much. We keep seeing each other and I recently spent 4 days at her lavish home in the United States. I was really suprised to see that I had to pay for pretty well everything we did while a guest at her home...groceries, gas for her car, restaurant etc...at one point I went to a kitchen store to get her better cooking ware and saw that when it was time to pay she moved away form the cashier, I called her in to pay for "her" items...she told me later that the fact I did not pay for her cooking ware had upset her very much.She tells me that in Russia men pay for everything for their wives (or woman) and that if I cared for her I would not be asking questions about paying...she is the "queen" and expect a man to be in charge of her and look after her needs at the utmost, nice gifts, business class travel etc...I explained to  her that I too was rather befuddled by this and felt used, (I thought she was broke!) that I was a guest at her home and not in any obligations such as being committed in a commun law relationship or being married to her, (I paid for everything with my ex and it never bothered me) but this case, because it is expected so much and at the delicate beginning of our relationship, it confused me a lot...she pointed out her ex was always counting and avoiding paying for their expenses...don't know what to do!         

Dear Reader:
This is probably a case of cultural differences.   This woman expects men to pay for everything, no matter the differences in wealth.  I am not an expert on Russian culture, but when she says "in Russia men pay for everything" that's how she views her culture.   So, she's doing what she thinks is "the thing to do" -- not intending to rip you off.  But, understand that if you continue to date her, you'll probably pay. She should be making an effort to reciprocate in other ways, like cooking, sex, doing nice things for you.  If there's no attempt on her part to give back to you, then she is probably just being selfish.  If you do decide to continue on, and get more serious, you two should have a talk about the difference in your cultures.  Read  "When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships"   and "Asking for What You Want" will show you how to accomplish this. Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance: Peace Begins at Home

Dr. Romance writes: This is often called the Season of Peace, as in "Peace on Earth; Good Will to Men" Yet there is so much unrest in the world today: the world is still involved in wars, terrorism seems to be endemic worldwide, and domestic violence and hatred still dominate the news. Today's world needs more people living peace.

While it's easy to talk about, living peace isn't so easy to do.  It requires learning to wage peace in our own lives.  "We teach best what we most need to learn," writes Richard Bach in Illusions.  That's because we are subconsciously focused on what gives us trouble; and motivated to learn about it.  For example, if lack of peace (anxiety, rage, addiction or relationship hassles) is a problem, your life will constantly face you with the need to learn to be more calm.  Anyone who does not meet your expectations can trigger agitation of one sort or another, and internal agitation evokes a negative reaction. 

 In my counseling office, I'm constantly reminded of how hard it seems to be for most people to sustain peacefulness (what the twelve-step (AA) programs call serenity.)  We are all easily bumped off-center.  I also see how powerful it is to maintain a peaceful (or serene) emotional climate in the middle of an upsetting circumstance.  The calmest person is also the most clear-thinking, and therefore can control what's happening.  People in high-pressure situations, such as medical and military personnel, police, firefighters, and rescue workers are trained in maintaining a calm demeanor. It makes them more effective.  

Internal peace is the key to keeping all relationships on track.  In my life, I've found that keeping my inner balance not only prevents me from making things worse in bad situations, it also influences others to be calmer. 

Every day I am reminded of the importance of inner peace, a peaceful relationship with myself, and keeping peace in my private universe.  Without this inner serenity, I am not very powerful to create peace in my surrounding environment.  I find that whenever I'm agitated, especially when the turmoil seems to be caused by an event or another person, the effective solution begins with establishing peace within myself.  Here is the idea I use to help myself and my clients do that: 

I have my own sphere of influence, my own private "universe" which I can picture as a invisible, protective membrane surrounding me; rather like the invisible glass box mimes often create around themselves.   All other people and events are outside this boundary, but visible and accessible through it.  I can "send messages" in the form of words and deeds, subtle body movements and facial expressions, through the boundary, and other people can send theirs in to me.  I have little control over what people choose to send toward me, and total control over what I choose to send out.  However, I do have control over how I receive what other people choose to send me.

For example, if my husband, Richard sends out some crabbiness, I have very little control over what he says or does.  Perhaps he's annoyed about something that happened in his business, or concerned about someone he cares about, and he feels safe letting his frustration out around me. There is little to be gained from trying to read his mind, or change his attitude.  However, if I remember that I am the Highest Power in my own sphere, I have many options. 

*I can choose to believe that his crabbiness is something I deserve, and feel hurt.
*I can choose to believe that he sent it because he's a bad person, and shut down my love for him. 
*I can choose to believe that he sent it because of a separate event in his private world, and check to see what's happening with him, and if I can help.
*I can choose to care for myself, and put some distance between us, until things calm down.
*I can just react without thinking, and not make any choices at all. 

Through experience, I soon learn which options give me the results I want.  Once I know that, I can choose to repeat successful options at will.  Richard has, and often uses, the same options. 

The operative word here is choice.  As long as I know my response to stimulus is a choice, I can create peace.  Once I decide that the atmosphere I most want in my own world is one of peace, then I create the power to insure that. 

The question I need to answer is: "What is peace to me?"  It is easy, given our social environment, to think that creating peace with others means waging war with myself.  For example, I can believe that, to create peace with Richard, I need to deny my own wants and feelings.  That sets up an internal fight, which inevitably surfaces externally.  Sooner or later I will get angry enough at the (self-imposed) limits to want to get even with him.  Or, I will further increase my stress to keep the "peace" and begin to create illness.  

Experience has taught me that the only peace that can be safely sustained is peace that begins at home - within the boundaries of my own inner self.  Once I have created peace within myself by listening to all sides of the internal struggle, and acknowledging my right to feel all those ways at once, and finding a solution that calms me down,  I know what I need to do with the situation that upset me.  Then, I'm secure enough to begin to negotiate with who- or whatever my struggle was about.  Peace with the other person may take a little effort  to achieve, especially if I have a point of view of my own, but it will be lasting, and begins to build the trust necessary to a compatible relationship.  

Paradoxically, this is often the easiest way to work toward peace in some ways, and the most difficult in other ways.  It's easy because it requires nothing beyond myself; only mental/emotional work.  Difficult because there are many ingrained attitudes, prejudices, and assumptions I must challenge and overcome on the way to internal peace. 

The path to peace, inner and outer, is not a direct line with specific steps.  It is full of trial and error, wrong turns and delightful discoveries.  Sometimes talking with myself is all I need, sometimes it helps to talk it out with a friend, or even a therapist.  Sometimes the words of a great teacher help.  I like "My religion is simple. My religion is kindness" -- Dalai Lama.  Or "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."  -- Psalm 23.   Usually my heart knows, better than my head, where the peaceful path lies.

I have chosen to follow a path of peace, internally and externally.  This choice shapes all of my subsequent choices, and commits me to a process of self-awareness.  To the best of my ability, I make my choices, and check the results with my mind and my heart.  I get it wrong often, but I also get it right enough times to make my life much more peaceful; and I am happy, more often that not.  When something makes me unhappy, I can find the path to peace more quickly than I used to.  

I hope you find this useful on your own path. 

Adapted from: The Ten Smartest Decisions A Woman Can Make After Forty 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr Romance: Should I date my girlfriend's best friend?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I need relationship advice!!!? I have been with my girlfriend for 4 months now and her best friend who's a girl is also my best friend and I'm very close with the best friend. me and my girlfriend do fight a lot but there are times where I'm in love with her. and me and the friend have talked bout a few times what it would be like if we went out and know it would be good cause we have similar interest and sense of humor and trust each other so much but i dont what to do so a little advice will help

Dr. Romance Replies:

Haven't you learned anything from the many other fiascoes of famous men who don't respect their relationships? You're about to create a disaster here. And I really don't understand what her best friend is thinking either. I'm glad she's not my best friend. She's more like a worst enemy.

Either break up with your girlfriend, and let some time pass before dating her friend, or just concentrate on fixing the relationship you've got. If you just act on your impulse, you'll ruin several friendships and create a big problem for yourself. Use your brain. "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" will give you some help in fixing your present relationship, if you should decide to do the right thing. How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will help you understand what it takes to get what you want from a relationship.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Do I tell him i can't be his friend or let silence speak for itself?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm in need of some serious advice, and I hope you can help.  I've been in an extremely long distance relationship with someone for the past year and a half off and on. I live in the US, he lives in Central America.  I am 6 years older than he is.  I'm studying to be a nurse and he unfortunately doesn't have the funds to do anything.  When we started dating I can admit that I was a bit guarded because I didn't want to get my feelings hurt and often put him down. I'm not sure if that caused him to change, but we broke it off. However, he would still email me and call me once in a blue moon to see how I was doing. Then we recently got back together and he kept mentioning to me how he wanted a motorcycle. I told him he doesn't need a motorcycle he needs an education and can use the money he has (which wasn't enough for this motorcycle) and go to school. He became stubborn and I didn't speak to him for a day. I had called him drunk before that discussion and said really hurtful things and he still forgave me. However after the discussion with the motorcycle, he broke it off saying he couldn't do this anymore with him being over there and me being over here. When we first started dating he said distance doesn't matter because our hearts are always close. However, that wasn't the case anymore.  I agreed to remain"friends" with him and he still texts me and at first I thought I can handle it, but i can't.  He recently texted me saying "Hello old friend, I hope everything is well with you and I hope in this Valentine's day you are with your ideal person, much luck, i love you very much friend". Do I tell him i can't be his friend or let silence speak for itself? 

Dear Reader:

This relationship obviously does not work for you.  You don't seem to be behaving very well, and your friend is too far away and in an impossible situation.  There is also the possibility that he sees you as a ticket to come to the US.  The conversation about the motorcycle may have been a way to get you to give him money.  

Whatever is going on, it is not going to work, so let go.  If you're drunk dialing and saying hurtful things, that tells me you need to get your own life in order before you can have a workable relationship with anyone. You may be fixated on that relationship to avoid dealing with your real life.  "Your Primary Relationship." will explain why no relationship will work until you get sorted out with yourself.   "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" and "Where is Love"  will help you look for someone who is actually suited to you.  All of them will help you understand what you need to do to find love that will actually work.  Don't bother writing him back -- just put your energy into creating a better life for yourself.  When you're ready, Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you a step by step guide for making dating fun, safe and successful.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Why does he want a relationship?

Dear Dr. Romance:
 
I met this guy through a phone call, but he contacted or got my profile through a friend of mine and he is satisfied through that, and he is convinced that he could have a relationship with me, he needs my affection, fear of God, caring, true feeling of sharing, happiness, my ideology, and philosophy, what he desires most is true love, sincerity and serious relationship. he doesn't want a long courtship because he ready to get married to me, but am confused with the little information he has about, have not seen me face to face except the mail picture, but he promise to see me before the month runs out. 

Dear Reader: 

A phone call, profile and picture is not enough for him or you to decide a relationship is real. Anyone who says he wants to get married, sight unseen, could be dangerous. It's one thing if your culture supports an arranged marriage, and your intended is carefully vetted by your family; but you can't do that on your own. There is nothing in here about what you think of him. Be really careful about this man, and make sure if you do meet him that there are other people around you.  This could be anything from a needy guy, someone who wants to take advantage of you, to a possible kidnapping.  Please be very cautious and take good care of yourself.  If you really want to meet someone suitable,  "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"   will show you where and how to look; and for more in-depth dating information, read Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on: How to Have Happier Holidays!

Dr. Romance writes:

No matter what you observe:  Kwanzaa, Chanukah, Solstice or Christmas, this is a celebratory time of year.  For some it's a joy, for others a nightmare and pressure to spend too much, eat too much, and socialize in ways you don't like. If your holiday expectations are out of line with what you can really accomplish, you'll be stressed.  

Holidays can be the best of times and the worst of times.  Holiday rituals, thoughtfully done, can be a source of bonding and strength.   

De-Stress the Holiday

To de-stress the holidays, get intentional about them. Happier holidays require three things: 1) lighten up on expectations, 2) ask for help, and 3) understand what other people are thinking. 

To lighten up expectations, understand that this is your real life, not a picture-book experience.  Family or friends may squabble, food may not turn out perfect, and gifts may not go over as well as people hope.  A sense of humor will help lighten up the whole thing.  Think of yourself as a holiday trouble- shooter, rather than a designer of perfect scenarios.  Find out what's really important to yourself, your guests and your family, and pare your celebration down to the important things.  Focus less on spending money or decorating, and more on spending time with those you love.

Ask for help by getting other people engaged in the happenings, and sharing the work.  You'll find that a lot of camaraderie comes out of working together, and a lot of the holiday fun will happen behind the scenes as you work with others to get ready.   Your family and friends will feel more a part of the celebration if they actually create part of it.

Understand what people are thinking by talking of events in advance with your spouse, your children, or other members of your family and friends.  Ask them what they like most, and least, and what they hope will happen.  If you know the "hidden agendas" you'll be less surprised when they show up. 

 How to Let go of small problems

No matter how well you plan, little things can go wrong.  Don’t let them spoil the whole day. Just let them go, using the following steps: 

1: Perspective: Put it in perspective -- will it be important an hour from now -- fifteen minutes from now?  Most little things won't be.  

2. Self-understanding: If someone or something upsets you, don't exacerbate the problem by getting on your own case for reacting.  It’s normal to have emotional reactions, but you don’t have to let them show or act on them. 

3: Rise above: If someone upset you or was rude, give a little prayer of thanks that it wasn't worse, say a blessing for your friend (who probably needs it) and you'll feel better.  

4. Benefit of the doubt:  If someone hurt your feelings, acknowledge that your feelings are hurt, and consider that the other person is probably just clumsy, not intentionally hurtful.  The world is full of emotional klutzes who don't realize the impact of their words and actions, and they create more problems for themselves than for you. 

5. Consider the source:  A relative or neighbor who is truly nasty may repeatedly hurt your feelings.  Consider what must be going on inside that person's head, and be grateful that you're not hearing that.  Even the meanest people are far nastier to themselves than they are to others.  That person is trying to relieve his or her pain by inflicting some on you.  

6: Give an Adult time out:  If someone repeatedly hurts, abuses or disrespects you, the best way to handle it is with an adult time out. 

Adult time out

If someone behaves badly in your presence, giving that adult a "time out" is a powerful and subtle way of fixing the problem.  Simply become very distant and polite around the person who is not treating you well. No personal talk and interaction, no joking, no emotion.  Be very polite, so no one can accuse you of being unpleasant, mean or rude. There is no need to explain what you are doing: the problem person will get the message from your behavior -- which is much more effective. If you've never tried this, you'll be amazed at how effective becoming polite and pleasant but distant can be.  The other person's behavior will immediately become more subdued and even more thoughtful around you.  Eventually, that person may ask you what's wrong, or why you've changed, and at that point (and only at that point) you have an opportunity to tell him/her what the problem behavior is, and why you don't like it. Learning to put obnoxious people in time out right at the beginning of unpleasant behavior can make it unnecessary to use tougher tactics at all.  And if the person's behavior doesn't change, you can leave him or her in "time out" and you'll be protected from the unpleasantness.

7. Detach from difficult family: Learn to treat difficult family members the way you’d treat a member of someone else's family -- with whom you'd not react to obnoxious things, but just politely ignore what they're doing or saying, and maintain a pleasant demeanor.

 Add Meaning

Once you’ve made your holiday easier and less stressful, you have room to add more meaning. 

Encourage family members to talk about what's meaningful to them, or their favorite holiday memories. 

Whatever you are celebrating this time of year, I wish you a season full of love and warmth. 
Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I can't find a way to talk to him

Dear Dr. Romance:

K so there is a guy in one of my classes that I kinda like but he doesn't know me. I can't find a way to talk to him cause I can't ask him to help me with a question cause he is in front and it would look obvious asking him when there are so many smart people around me. We are always doing work in that class so there is no talking time and he leaves the class as soon as the bell rings. So what do I do? 

Dear Reader:

He's probably just shy. The smartest thing to do would be to ask him for help with that class, a homework assignment, or to explain what the teacher said. Beat him to the door as soon as the bell rings and ask him then, or ask at the beginning of class about homework. "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  will help you know what to do next, and "Turn on Your Charm" will help you be at your best when he does notice you. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has information about flirting, meeting someone and starting conversations.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: she slapped my face and departed

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I recently moved here from the British Isles.  I discovered your Dr. Romance blog and thought you might have some good insight on an experience I had involving an American woman's image of her body.   I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a party a few weeks ago. It was a public event at an art gallery. She was a high school teacher in her early thirties. We had been talking for a good half hour and really seemed to be hitting it off. We had even made tentative plans to meet for coffee sometime.   Then, things suddenly went downhill. I commented that she had a "nice, full, hourglass figure". I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended. She snapped, "Oh really….well perhaps I should do some plus size modeling!" I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only exacerbated things when I used the term "healthy". With a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed.   I will never forget those agonizing moments in the immediate aftermath, as I was standing there alone rubbing my cheek, drawing some judgemental stares from onlookers. Needless to say, it was not my proudest moment.   She had a classic hourglass figure - large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted "hourglass" as meaning big/overweight/full figured. I just thought it meant shapely and well proportioned. When I told a female friend about this she shook her head and said it was never a good idea to comment on a woman's figure when meeting her for the first time, even if I thought it was complimentary. I do have her email address.  Do you think I should send her an apology note or should I interpret the slap in the face as a definitive statement of rejection?

Dear Reader:

Yes, you ran afoul of American craziness about body image.  Your female friend is right.  Stay away from complimenting physical attributes.  You can say someone has "nice eyes" or you like a pretty dress -- but no physical body compliments -- they'll always be taken wrong.  Here's what I'd do.  Search online for a greeting card site that has an appropriate apology card, and send it via e-mail.  If there's an option to send a flower, that would help -- depending on how much you want to impress this woman.  In the card, say that you apparently ran into "cultural differences" and you had no intention of being rude, that you hope she'll forgive you and have that coffee with you that she was talking about.  
Good luck, and don't fret -- if you met one woman and hit it off, there'll be many others. Remember what Bobbie Burns said -- "The best laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley".  

LATER:

Dear Dr. Romance:

 Well, instead of sending a fancy greeting card I decided to just send her a simple but sincere apology note:  

We met a few weeks ago at the party in the art gallery. I genuinely meant to compliment you, but in so doing used a poor choice of words that deeply offended you. I am so sorry for any hurt I may have caused you. You are an intelligent woman and a person of integrity, and I have great respect for you. You are also quite beautiful. While my comments were not interpreted as I intended them, it was inappropriate for me to comment on your physical appearance after meeting you for the first time. I hope you choose to accept my apology, but if not, I sincerely wish you the best in life and I am still grateful for having met you. 

My thinking was that she would probably not respond in either case.  Amazingly, she not only responded by accepted my apology and it looks like we'll get together for coffee!  She replied:

Gosh, I have such mixed emotions on this. You seemed like such a sweet, interesting guy at first and that's why I was so disappointed when you started commenting on my body. I've had some weight issues in the past, so perhaps I'm overly sensitive of any comments that hint at being over-weight.  Also, because of my generous curves, I've too often had to deal with men who look at me primarily in a sexual/physical way.  It also didn't help that you kept glancing at my chest.  Therefore your comments, as well intentioned as they may have been, were like a "perfect storm" of insults.  Despite all of this, I'm willing to forgive and forget - might even meet you for coffee - but the terms are that you have to pay and I get to order something really extravagant like a large, caramel macchiato.....just joking ;-) 
P.S. Regarding the abrupt ending to our conversation -- Well, I'm an old fashioned gal with zero tolerance for cads and I felt it was the most appropriate response at the time.  I will say that you took the slap like a gentleman by turning the other cheek and then coming back to make a sincere apology. Most men would be more consumed with their own pride and resentful of the woman who slapped them.  Perhaps you are more chivalrous than American men :-) 

I even got a few compliments from her.  Now, I'm really confused by American women ;-)    Thanks again. 

Dear Reader:

Good for you. You've demonstrated "The Power of Politeness"  When you meet, do your best to look at her face, OK?  I'm glad it worked out, and thanks for letting me know.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today can help you avoid future blunders.  

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I feel almost embarrassed about being a virgin at my age

 Dear Dr. Romance:

I came across your blog while searching the internet for help for women In dysfunctional relationships. . Your language and spiritual, yet non judgmental  approach really resonated with me.  

I am an ethnically mixed  woman in my thirties. My parents divorced when I was young and I have been raised by my mother as a Muslim also with some alternative spiritual beliefs. I don't drink or smoke or do any type of drugs, in fact I don't even swear! I  have always been a spiritual and somewhat religious person, and see  myself as someone with great potential for an exceptional life. Some people think of me as quite beautiful and feel I have a unique gift of song.

My relationship is totally dysfunctional and I want to be able to get myself out of it. I feel very unsure of myself, unable to maneuver in my life. I take a few steps here and there but never allow anything to come to fruition. The primary relationships in my life are with my mother and this man. my relationship with my mother has become increasingly suffocating as I get older and remain unmarried. I feel guilty and also worried that my life is passing me by. I am still a virgin (technically) even though I have been in two relationships, including this man who told me he wanted to marry me and said he'd wait, but after about a year and a half I found out he had been cheating on me. I stayed with him despite his infidelity and although we had a sexual life I could not bring myself to let him take my virginity.  I have always felt guilty around sexual activity  because I wanted to wait until marriage.  

Now I find myself with this wonderfully charming, talented, charismatic, masculine man who I still love very much,who has cheated on me repeatedly, and uses drugs and I'm not sure even really wants to be with me. I feel so frustrated with myself because I still want him. I've gone out on one or two dates but I can't seem to move on. I now feel almost embarrassed about being a virgin at my age.  I worry especially  what God thinks of me. My life has become totally dysfunctional in almost every area. I want to feel truly good about myself again, from the core of my being. I believe there is so much I can offer the world. I am trying to pull myself up but I think I need some help in strengthening myself. 

Dear Reader:
You sound very confused and conflicted about sex and relationships.  I think your focus is on the wrong aspects of love.  First, you need to figure out what you want from a relationship, and then make sure any man you connect with has similar values and goals. Whether or not you have sex before marriage should not be the most important thing.  No matter how charismatic and charming he is, a man who has cheated on you repeatedly is not wonderful.  On the other hand, your connection with him doesn't sound very fulfilling to either of you.  Are you financially dependent on him, or on your mother? At 35, it's important to be financially self-sufficient, even if you're trying to get a music career together.  You are an adult woman, and you don't need to be obligated to anyone other than yourself.  While it's important to have close relationships, including with your mother, it's also wise not to let them control you. 

It Ends With You:Grow up and out of Dysfunction will show you how to change and become more comfortable with who you are. "Getting Out of Your Way"  and "Response-ability" will help you move forward. 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Giving Thanks

Dr. Romance wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving!

A lot of people aren’t very good at looking at the positive. I hear a lot of negativity, blaming and complaining daily in my counseling office, and I find the more negative people are, the worse their lives work. Talking about how bad it all is seems to be quite popular. When I can break through this fashionable bad attitude enough to get my clients begin thinking of what can be done to fix the problem (rather than how awful it all is) things soon begin to improve.

Of course parts of life are hard; things don't always go right. We all grieve at loss; we hurt sometimes; we can feel tired and overwhelmed.

But when you make the effort to see the other side, this very same life can also be full of delight and joy. When we look with gratitude, we remember the people we have lost also filled many days with laughter and friendship. Loyal friends rally round and support us when we get hurt, tired or discouraged.

For clients who complain that they're lonely and lost, I point out all the wonderful opportunities they have to connect with others. If you're out of a job, sure that's hard, and sure job hunting takes time -- but it also gives you time to spend with people -- which can be absolutely free, if you arrange it that way. There is no charge for walks on the beach, sitting on the porch at sunset talking, or helping each other with your resumes.

I knew someone who was fond of quoting research that claims depressed, pessimistic people have a more accurate view of reality than optimistic, happy types. What I want to know is whose lives work better: the depressed people who are supposedly more realistic , or the happy, unrealistic ones? This charge of unreality connected to a happy outlook is more of the modern, fashionable downer attitude.

We don't get to choose everything that happens to us in life; but we do have many powerful choices to make, including how we respond to what happens to us. If you constantly see the most negative interpretation (half a glass being half empty, rather than half full), your demeanor will reflect that negativity. If you seem depressed, down or angry most of the time, others will respond to that negatively by rejecting or criticizing you. No one can handle being around a person who is down most of the time -- it saps the joy out of life.

The opposite is true when you’re optimistic and grateful for what you have.

It's probably easier to show gratitude when you're not overwhelmed by largesse and opportunity. It’s easyto take it all for granted, when we have so much. But, in my practice and in my own life, I see the result of remembering to stop and be grateful. Counting blessings enhances your life, by increasing your awareness of what you have, what you've accomplished, and the love you experience. It enhances relationships by reminding you to say thank you and getting the reward of spouses and friends who feel appreciated, and thus motivated to give/love/share more. Celebration + Appreciation = Motivation.

Here are some easy tips on how to feel more thankful:.

*Take some time each day to be thankful (ideally, to your Higher Power, God, the Angels, The Saints, the Universe, Mother Earth/Nature, or whatever you see as a Supreme Being) for each and every thing that comes your way. Do this silently, for yourself, not ostentatiously, to impress others. If you say a grace before meals, say it silently, and think about how fortunate you are.
*Keep a list for one week about every good thing that comes your way -- a funny e-mail, a phone call, a business success, a loving gesture. At the end of the week, you'll be astounded at how much you receive.
*Saying Thank You to your partner allows both of you to feel valued. Gratitude is powerful, and, used properly, a much greater motivator than demanding, criticizing, or nagging. Creative thank you's are the most powerful kind. It's easy to scope out what kind of thank you will be memorable for a particular person, when you’re paying attention. Recognition is a powerful motivating factor, and a little gratitude can go a long way.
*Whenever a negative thought comes to mind, counter it with a feeling of thanks for something that is good in your life. Change your focus from what's wrong to what is right.
*Start counting what you already have that you cherish. Consider beginning a gratitude journal, and noting all the positive things, beloved possessions, and tender moments you experience. Or, start a gratitude jar, and note down on scraps of paper all the positive things, beloved friends, favorite possessions, and tender moments you experience in your own life and store them in the jar. Then whenever you feel another pang, pull out a few papers and read them. You'll find that reminding yourself of all you have to be grateful for will cheer you up and help you remember that your life is a good one.

Looking for the blessings in every day will maximize your awareness of how lucky you are, and increase the luck that comes your way. I think of it the same way I think of receiving a gift. If I receive good things by thinking It's about time , then who would want to give me more? But, if I receive gifts with gratitude and pleasure, then the giver wants to give me more. I think life works the same way.

May your life be full of good things.

Adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm afraid the age difference means our relationship won't work

Dear Dr. Romance;

I read your article "Age Differences in Dating" I am dating a man who  is 22 yrs, younger than myself.  He appeared older and I appeared younger to him.  Now I'm afraid the age difference means our relationship won't work.  Would you be able to help me with this dilemma?

Dear Reader:

I'm not sure why the age difference is a dilemma.  Whether or not a relationship is healthy is not determined by age differences, but by the interaction between the partners.  A ten-year difference is not too difficult to bridge, but differences of twenty years or more in age can lead to some difficulties as the partners get older.  For example, the younger partner may mature and reconsider his or her choices, or an older partner may confront aging problems much sooner.
 
As long as both parties are adult, and the couple have talked about the age difference and the future possibilities, I don't make judgments about their ages.  There are healthy and unhealthy reasons to date someone of a different generation.  One motivation for dating a younger person that usually isn't successful would be fear of aging on the older person's part.  Obviously, a man or woman who dates someone as young as his or her children is going to run into some social opposition, but the differences that can cause the most problems are differing maturity levels.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you resolve this issue, and the articles "Creating Family Acceptance" and "How to Be Irresistible to Your Mate" will help you deal with other people's opinions and create a wonderful, lasting relationships.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am not sure what the dating customs of this country are

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read your monthly "Happiness Tips" newsletter and thank you your advice. However, I noticed that you try to help resolve or forestall relationship problems. My problem is still meeting a man that I like. When I go out and see a guy I am attracted to, I do look towards that man and "let" him know I like him. That guy usually looks at me back, but just does not approach me. 

I come from a rather conservative cultural environment where men make first moves, and I am not sure what customs of this country are. Does it mean that most single people meet online nowadays or simply approach a person of their interest in a straightforward manner?

Thank you and continue the positive work.

Dear Reader:
In my private practice, and this blog, I also help people find relationships. I'm also the author of Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  There's a lot of confusion about dating in this country, too.  Some women are comfortable making the first contact, some are not.  I firmly believe the best way to meet is through social contacts.  Meeting a total stranger is very difficult, and there's no way to tell if it's a person you'd really like to know. I recommend what I call the "get a life" method.  That is, you develop a social circle you enjoy and spend time with friends, doing things that are productive and things that are interesting to you.  If you allow this social circle to be large enough, you'll find plenty of people to date, and you'll already know what kind of people they are before you date them.  

The articles, "Where is Love?"   and "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"   which will help you find more effective ways to meet suitable people to date.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance video: "Don't Call Your Ex!"

 

Dr. Romance video! "Don't Call Your Ex" 

Dr. Romance’s How to handle being dumped

DO put it in perspective If you're dumped, it hurts, but count your lucky stars. You don’t have a relationship if the other person's not really interested.

DO understand that there were problems already It's never easy to find out that your relationship, long or short, is over. Once bonded, even if the relationship is terrible, both men and women have trouble breaking away. So if you’re dumped, the other person really wanted out.

DON'T idealize a bad relationship: In counseling people who got dumped, every client realized the warning signs that were ignored early in the relationship. Don’t pick out the few good moments you remember and ignore what wasn’t working.

DO try to learn from the experience After the initial upset, review the dynamics of the relationship and analyze what went wrong, what you could have done differently, and what you learned. There’s no need to give yourself a hard time about it, just process the information, so you don’t repeat mistakes.

DON'T expect closure from the dumper It is lovely when two civilized grown-ups can dissect what happened in the relationship, tell the truth, ask for forgiveness and absolve each other. But this usually happens years later. Closure requires getting truthful answers to your questions about what happened __ to understand why. After a breakup, both of you are upset, hurt, and guilty and probably won’t be telling the truth, even if you understand it. Neither of you really wants to hear the truth this soon. Longing to talk "just once more" to your ex is just asking for pain.

Adapted from: Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: How can I make my family understand I love him?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Ok so I am 19 and am kinda falling for a guy who is 20 years old than me. I am not asking your opinion on if it's wrong and nor do I want to hear "that's disgusting" my mother and father were 23 years apart in age. I like older guys cause I can relate to them better than guys my own age. Guys my own age don't really act mature enough or just don't have the personality I like. My problem is that my mother doesn't like the guy most of my family doesn't to be honest. I want to be in a relationship with him but he doesn't want to come between me and my family. I am glad he cares but there is just some things a family will have to get over and I believe this is one of them. I have know the guy for a good 3-4years and this feeling didn't start till i turned 17. He has been the best friend and has been there for me. We recently started secretly seeing each other but we aren't really in a relationship cause he doesn't want to take the step without being open. I just don't want to have to lose a guy I truly care about over something as stupid as an age gap. What would you do or how would you make him or your family understand?

Dear Reader:

I'm sure your family are just worried about you. If your mother and father had a big age gap, perhaps you could remind them that it worked for them. Your guy sounds like he's got some ethics, because he's not willing to go against your family, and it sounds like he waited until you were 18, which is another point in his favor. On the other hand, he's willing to sneak around with you.

You're making a big decision here, and your family might have some good reasons to object. Have you asked them why? Is it only the age gap, or are there other things they're worried about? I suggest you move slowly, and open up the conversation as much as possible. Maybe you and your guy could talk to the family together?

The rest of your life will be much happier if everyone is onboard about this relationship. Try listening to their point of view, rather than telling them yours. When you understand what their concerns are, you can answer them one by one. Read "Stupid Cupid" to give yourselves a good foundation for the discussions. How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will help you communicate better with each other and with your family.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm just wondering what I can do for him to like me

Dear Dr.Romance: 

i wear make up skinny jeans hollister shirts cardigans uggs and converse or just boots I love to act sing dance I'm a gr8t actress I'm always working out love to run I'm smart funny short brown hair sometimes jewlery now I have a crush on someone I always talk to him we laugh sometimes I sit next to him at lunch and stuff he seems interested but he won't ask me out last time we talked he was about to ask me to the dance but he didn't idk why but yeh so now I'm just wondering what I can do for him to like me.

 
Dear Reader:  

We're in the New Millennium, why don't you ask him to have a soda? You don't have to wait. But, after you ask, then let him do the asking next time. Read my article "Asking for What You Want"  You're also way too worried about how you look: laughing and talking and your personality are what will really attract him.  Read "True Beauty: Honor the God or Goddess in You" to get your act straightened out.  You'll also find good ideas for flirting, opening conversations and beginning a relationship in Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: How Can I stop a stalker?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Are you familiar with men who won't leave women alone?  I'm just trying to understand why someone would STALK me for well over a decade and, during that time, systematically destroy my life because I refused to be in an abusive relationship with him. He didn't seem to understand that emotional violence might be a bit of a deterrent to an emotionally healthy woman.  But he seems like he's borderline personality anyway and couple that with "ex military" and you get straight psycho. Yet, he (along with a number of his closest psychotic friends) has been trying to defame my character  and even has gone after my child! It's like I said "No" and he said, "You're gonna be under my control whether you want to or not or you'll DIE." You know the old, "If I can't have you, nobody will." I was trying to avoid this by saying "No" at the outset!  What can I do?

Dear Reader:

Yes, I've written about stalking and domestic violence. "How to Stay Out of a Violent Relationship"  and "Friends in Need: Interventions for Domestic Violence"  may have the information you need to know. Stalkers simply want to control you. He has no feelings for you except rage that you aren't under his control. You were right to say no, but you might have to be a lot meaner than that. Just saying no obviously didn't work --it's time to gather evidence, call the police, and have him arrested.

Here are some suggestions that might help:

Dr. Romance on WHAT TO DO IF YOU OR YOUR CHILDREN ARE BATTERED

1. Realize it's not going to get better. If your partner flies into rage, verbally or sexually abuses or batters you or your children, no matter what he or she may say, it isn't your fault, and you have no control over his or her behavior. Even the abuser has very little control. It is not just a one-time incident, it is an indication of a severely disturbed character, and it will not go away without years of intense therapy.

2. Protect yourself and your children. The best way to do this is to tell the truth to family, friends, your minister, your doctor, your therapist, your co-workers, one of the hotlines listed below, the police and anyone else who will listen. There is no need for you to be ashamed, but there is an urgent need for you to get help. If it seems that noone is listening, consider that you might not be telling the whole truth -- battered spouses have a tendency to downplay and make excuses for the abuse. The best protection for you and your children is for your abuser's behavior to become public knowledge. The vast majority of abusers are cowards, who only prey on dependent, defenseless people. They like to believe they are in control, and they aren't as likely to lose control before witnesses.

3. Once you have been physically abused, do not be alone with the abuser again. This is another reason to tell everyone you know. You either need a place to go, or someone (perhaps several people) to stay with you until you are safe. You may also need financial help. There are shelters you can go to which will keep you safe. Call a Domestic Violence hotline to find a shelter.

4. If you are hit, call the police (911). They respond much better now than they used to, and the law is now on your side. When they come, press charges. Do not make excuses to yourself or anyone else. If your abuser gets away with it even once, he or she will get more abusive. Do not listen to pleas for sympathy, understanding or forgiveness. You can forgive the abuser after he or she has gotten help, and only after you and your children are safe.

5. If injured, get medical help. Tell the doctors and nurses the truth about how it happened.  

6. File a restraining order, or a Protection from Violence order. Volunteers at the police department will help you fill it out. With a restraining order, you can call the police as soon as the abuser gets close to you or your home. Without one, the police need evidence of the abuse to arrest anyone. 

7. Attend Al-Anon meetings. You will learn a lot of good information that will help you avoid being someone else's victim. For information: http://www.al-anon.org/

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty has good information about taking good care of yourself.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on dealing with disappointment

Dr. Romance writes:

OK, so you're disappointed.  Your dream has ended in the trash.   So, after you get finished with laying on the floor, kicking your  heels, and screaming; or going on a drunken binge, or beating someone up, you find you're still disappointed, and all that acting out hasn't  fixed anything. Now what do you do?

Disappointment is a dead-end in your road. Now you need to figure out a new direction.  Here are some hints:  

DO put it in perspective:
When you're disappointed, it hurts, but your life is not over.  Look to  your future, and see what you can do to make it better.

DO understand that you had some control, but not total control over this:
Look at what happened.  What caused your loss?  You can improve your team effort, your skills, your spirit and look forward to the next  event.  On the other hand, don't blame yourself for the things you couldn't control.  Take a balanced view.

DON'T give up:
 No one is a failure until they quit.  Don't quit when you're behind.  Instead, get determined to do better.

 DO try to learn from the experience
 Every disappointment is a teaching moment.  You can learn from   whatever went wrong.  Re-play your tapes (mental or actual) of the  event, and figure out how you can do better. 

DON'T expect anyone to sympathize beyond the first few moments.
Sympathy is OK for a short while, but it debilitates you in the long run.  You'll feel better if you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the game.

From It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: How should I tell her I have feelings for her

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm in my first year of high school, but I have no experience in relationships. I'm in contact with a friend who is a year younger than me, and I recently realized I have feelings for her. She's funny and playful, and I just can't help myself. What's your advice on how I should tell her?

Dear Reader:

You don't need to worry about telling her you have feelings for her.  Just invite her out to do something fun, to the next basketball game, to a dance, or to study together.  She'll figure out for herself that you have feelings.  Take it slowly, one step at a time, and you'll be fine.  Read  "Guidelines for Successful Dating" for more help.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will take you step-by-step through the process of dating, from getting yourself ready, to how to meet new people, to what to say and do on a date.  It's designed to make dating fun, safe and successful.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Why am I assumed to be a cougar good for only one thing?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a single woman in my late 40's. I've had several serious relationships, but unfortunately, although I lived with a couple of them, I've never been married. I have a minor physical disability, a stomach condition, but I am attractive, I look younger than I am, I'm well educated, and I've held responsible positions in management, with plenty of client contact.  My concern is that lately the only interest men take in me is to get my phone number and invite themselves to my house, which I decline, I know I deserve better and I am not a fast woman. Sex becomes extremely desirable to me when I am in a serious relationship. I'm beginning to believe that I will be alone for the rest of my life. Is this phenomenon of which I speak a result of the time we live in, or is it just that I am assumed to be some type of aging "cougar" who is now only good for one thing. 

I do not internet date, (my social skills and appearance are not lacking), I used to do a lot of dancing, I did bible study for four years, now I am studying guitar, I go to the gym, I go to clubs to see other performers, but I can't drink alcohol, (which for some reason seems to be a huge turnoff). I dress sexy, but in good taste, when I go out it's usually the LBD and maybe some trendy shoes to make it pop a little, very little make up. The only dates I can't go on is the dinner dates, because of my condition and the fear that the gentleman may want to eat some type of exotic food. But a jazz club, a movie, the beach, a walk in the park, are all good for me. What's going on? Is it just over at a certain age? 

Dear Reader:
With all your focus on how you look, and your mention of dressing "sexy" I think maybe you're sending the wrong message.  Even though dancing and bible study can be good places to meet a suitable date, it doesn't sound like you're taking time to make friends and get to know people. Perhaps you're focused on the men too intensely, and they interpret that to mean that you're looking for sex.  Instead of desperately searching for love, find a wider range of things to do that you enjoy.  Mingle with people of both genders, work together with them, read books, take classes, go dancing or play sports with them, and make friends.  Then all the external things you're worried about will not be important-- you'll get to know nice men before you decide to date them. Read  "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  and "Where is Love"  for more information. The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will give you details on how to do it successfully.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: What can an older man do to win a younger woman?

Dear Dr. Romance:    

I enjoyed your article: Age Differences in Dating? Do you have any articles about younger women dating older men? I'm interested in the younger woman's motivations, and what the older man can say and do to will her affections.
   
Have you written any articles on this or do you know of any books or articles that relates to this? I'm an older guy, interested in younger women, and just needed a basic idea as to what to do. I suppose my specific question is what's the psychology behind a young woman's motivation for an older man? What attracts her to him besides his money and why?

Dear Reader:

Young women who like older men are usually looking for  someone who will take charge, take care of them and protect  them.  That is not always what they get.  The first thing I'd do is examine why you want a younger woman?  If you just want "arm candy" you're probably going to have to pay for it.  Pretty young things don't go usually out with older men unless they're treated extra well.  If you're interested in a particular type of person, focus on that, and not so much on the age.  I've seen many older men wind up alone because they're too focused on age.  It's a common fantasy for lonely older men who are not good at making friends or succeeding in relationships.

Whether or not a relationship is healthy is not determined by age differences, but by the interaction between the partners.  A ten‑year difference is not too difficult to bridge, but differences of twenty years  or more in age can lead to some difficulties as the partners get older.  For example, the younger partner may mature and reconsider his or her choices, or an older partner may confront aging problems much sooner.

As long as both parties are adult, and the couple have talked about the age difference and the future possibilities, I don't make judgements about their ages.  There are healthy and unhealthy reasons to date someone of a different generation.  One motivation for dating a younger person that usually isn't successful would be fear of aging on the older person's part.  Obviously, a man or woman who dates someone as young as his or her children is going to run into some social opposition, but the differences that can cause the most problems are differing maturity levels.  

It depends on what the motivations of both people are.  Some older people feel younger at heart "than their contemporaries, and like to date people who are as active as we are.  Chronological age doesn't always reflect either physical capability or emotional maturity.  Sometimes an age difference is a mentoring relationship; the older person advises the younger one on life or career.  This can backfire when the younger person decides he or she has learned enough, and wants to be more independent.

For more information about creating successful relationships please read "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"; "Aspects of Love"; and "Where is Love?"

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today speaks about age differences in dating.

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on The Importance of Humor

Dr. Romance writes:

We are such an inventive species.  We are also a species with  a sense of humor.  I think the two are connected.  It takes a sense of humor to be able to stumble around in an unfamiliar situation until you figure it out. 

Current research has indicated that humor, specifically laughter,  counteracts  the  devastations of stress on the body  and  immune system.  So, it’s obvious to me that a sense of humor would ease the stress of new situations. 

We were given (or developed through natural selection,  depending how you see it)  a sense of humor, the capacity to laugh, for a purpose.  It helps us adapt, learn, grow and survive.   

Taking yourself and your situation too seriously deprives you  of the tool of humor.  

Of course,  it is possible to take things too lightly.  We all  know  the frustration of having a problem that a loved one won't take seriously enough.  We also know people who handle life like a joke,  and never get it together.   Actually, this kind of inappropriate lightness usually masks fear; the fear that whatever situation or emotion one doesn't want to deal with is too heavy to handle.

What I see in my practice more often,  however, is the other way around.   My clients strive,  are earnest, care deeply, and want to do right.   They forget about having fun, relaxing and enjoying, waiting for things to calm down, lightening up about how awful it all is.

One  of my clients who works in a hospice told me  recently about  how surprised he was at how much laughter and humor  there was among the seriously ill patients there.   Another client  who works in a stressful environment found that although the complaints and frustration expressed by coworkers needed to be listened to, it didn't need to be taken too seriously.  Most of it was drama, to get his attention when calmness had failed.  Often couples I counsel find that taking a problem too seriously blows it out of proportion, until it threatens to overwhelm both of them.  Putting it back in perspective restores clear thinking, and the problem is then easily solved. 

Human beings are learning devices.   We are an adaptable species.  Put  us in a situation we don't understand,  and sooner or later, we figure it out and master it.   I invite you to consider making your life as fun and  easy as possible.   

* Whatever ambition you have, take it lightly. 

* When you encounter a problem, take advice from Mary Poppins, and remember "a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down."

* Find as many opportunities for laughter as you can.  

* Always read the funnies when you  read the grimmer news.

* Focus as much energy on what is funny or positive in your life as  you do on the problems. You  may  be surprised to find that you get even more  work  done  when you take it a little less seriously, when you laugh a little  more. 

Studies  of  great  human beings,  who have  helped  improve  the  condition  of our lives,  shows most of them have fine senses  of  humor.  Oppressed groups who have  survived  great hardships, are known for their humor.  Surviving hardship teaches us to laugh. 

I  believe  all our human capacities have meaning in  our  lives.  The capacity to laugh may be simply to bring us closer  together, to  help  us  be  social units,  but I think  its existence  says  something  more  powerful.    My  experience  in counseling tells me laughter is one of our great healers.  Try laughing more. It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it.

You can learn more about what makes you laugh, and why in It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I have been hurt by every guy I have dated

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am in a new relationship for a few months.  I haven't dated for a couple of years on the advice of my therapist. I met a really nice guy on an online dating service which was totally out of my character. He is a really nice guy (Thank God) He lives in a different state so of course I flew up to meet in him (which was also out of my character at the time) but, I did not want to be an 80 yr old woman and wish I had flown up to meet this guy and didn't . I have lived at home all my life even until the day I was married. That marriage lasted only four months, and I am divorced now.

I have been hurt by every guy I have dated. They have either cheated on me, physically abused me, mentally abused me or verbally abused me. So, no,  I don't trust  men. That is why I have not dated for almost three years.  The guy I am currently dating is the the nicest, sweetest, most caring and loving person i have every met he also respects me and I know that he loves me, but  he has been alone for almost 23 years, and he is 5 years older than I am.

There is one thing that he does that I have a hard time dealing with:  He has some girls that he says are just his friends that he talks with via cell, text messages and every other form of communication you can think of. He seems to be sneeky about it.  If I say anything he gets all mad and thinks I trying to control who he talks to .  But If my ex-husband were to call i know that he would be hurt.  I have lost all contacts with all my guy friends because I did not what there to be a problem. I was going into this relationship with no one who could hurt my future relationship because love this guy very much and my relationship is important to me.   I guess I just dont trust him.  I check his phone sometimes.  I just dont want to get hurt again. He knows that I have been in bad relationships and what has happened. 

Please help me find the right solution so I can deal with this the right way.  I want him to feel like he can talk to anyone. I am not a jealous person; I just dont want to get hurt again. I don't trust women and their motives. All of so called girlfriends ended up in bed with my boyfriends. So do you see that TRUST is a very big issue for me and I do not want this guy too pay for what someone else did to me. I really need your help!

Dear Reader:

I'm glad you found a nice guy, but I think you are right to be worried.  You should not give up all your friends for any relationship -- it's a very bad thing for your self-esteem and makes you look weak to your boyfriend.  I hope you are still seeing your therapist. Your relationship needs to be fair and equal, open and honest to be real.  I don't think he's taking you very seriously.  Please read the following articles: "Asking for What You Want"  , "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship",  "The Nail in the Fence: Healing Wounds"   and "Setting Boundaries and Saying No"

You can also find help in Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today .  It will teach you how to keep yourself safe while you're dating.

 

 For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Should I go where she is?

Dear Dr. Romance:

My ex and I lived in the UK.  She dumped me a few months ago and she went to France as an exchange student.  She will be back next year, but at that time I will have graduated and left school here, and she will be doing her final year here. so as you can see reading books about body language, appearance ,and etc does not help me. I want to understand what she's thinking. Should I go where she is?

Dear Reader:

It sounds like you are pursuing a lost cause.  She knows the schedule as well as you do, and she doesn't apparently care that you won't be seeing each other.  You are in danger of being seen as a stalker if you pursue a woman who isn't interested.  Find a face-to-face counselor in your own area, and get some help.  You need to clarify your idea of what a relationship is, and to get some objective feedback about your actions.  Read my article "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  and find some low-cost
counseling in your own area.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you figure out how to develop a relationship you can count on.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Should i try to fuel the desires or calm them?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I saw your article "Age Differences in Dating "  I'm single, in my early thirties.  for the last, i'd say 6 years, i have been extremely attracted to women in their forties.  it's both a physical and mental attraction.  i live in an upscale part of the city and there are so many beautiful older women around.  that seems to fuel the attraction.  i'm not referring to those women that have had tons of plastic surgery, or implants, etc to try to make themselves appear younger.  i'm attracted to the regular soccer mom type.
 
1) what is causing this?  I've read a lot of the literature about younger men wanting to be with women who don't play games, who are more settled and know what they way, etc.  this is more than that, something more deep-rooted.  when i see an attractive older woman it's like something is activated in my brain, unlike when i see an attractive girl my own age.  when i talk to one on the phone, same thing happens.  don't get my wrong, i'm still attracted to women around my own age, but i think you get my point.
 
2) what can i do to deal with this?  should i try to fuel the desires or calm them?   i have a therapist that i go to but this is a realm of questions that i am just not comfortable asking someone in person.  i just want to start to understand why i've been attracted to women in their 40's since i was in my mid 20's.

 Dear Reader:  No one knows for sure where sexual and romantic attractions come from, but I find with most of my clients there's a connection to childhood or teen years.  Was there a woman about 40, real or fictional (like movies or TV or a magazine) that got your attention when you were young?  Someone you could only dream about?  A teacher, a neighbor, a relative?  Think back, and you may come up with the archetypal woman who formed the basis for your attractions. 

What you should do about it is relax.  It's OK to have fantasies.  You need to remember, though, that the fantasies are not the same as reality.  The women you are attracted to may not be a good match for you in reality.  So, don't let the fantasy run away with you.  If the attractive archetype of your past was an alchoholic, for example, you may find yourself attracted, not only to 40 year old women, but to ones that drink too much. Physical attraction is not enough to base a relationship on. Also, consider that if you get into a lasting relationship, your partner won't be the same age forever. 

Read my article "Stupid Cupid" for more information about what it takes to create a relationship.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you figure out what kind of partner would actually be a good match for you, how to find that person, and how to begin a healthy relationship.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 
 

Dr. Romance: Make your love life sparkle!

Dr. Romance's Top 5 ways to take your marriage from good to great.

1. Talk frequently and honestly to each other about your frustrations, about sex, about anger, about disappointment, about your appreciation of each other, about the meaning of life, about everything.  No topic should be off limits.  Learn to listen and communicate instead of fighting.  Fighting is childish, and you want a grown-up relationship.

 2. Strive to work together to solve anything that comes up: Be a team, create a partnership. Don't get stuck on who's right or wrong, instead focus on what will solve the problem. Strive to work together so both of you can have what you want.  When you build a successful working partnership, each of you will feel supported and respected by the other.  When each of you feels that the other has your best interests at heart, problems are solved not "my way" or "your way" but so that both are happy with the solution.  The mutuality of this type of partnership creates an environment of love where deep trust grows.  When trust, respect, responsibility and love feel mutual, that's when we feel secure in being loved.

 3. Keep your connection going through communication, sex, affection, understanding and concern for one another.  Nothing insures that your relationship will remain faithful better than a good, warm connection with great sex.
 
4. Have a sense of humor; give the benefit of the doubt, care about each other.  Store up plenty of good times in your relationship reservoir to draw on in the hard times.  Treat your partner like your best friend.

5. Create Good Will:  Every kind or unkind word, every gesture of support or criticism, every honest or dishonest interaction between you, and every gesture of affection or coldness are stored in your memory.  Store up good feelings, forgiveness, support, honesty, appreciation, caring and affection, and sexual and emotional intimacy, to build up a backlog of good will, affection and warm memories.  Store up coldness, criticism, ingratitude, dishonesty, demands, and dissatisfaction; and you’ll have a reservoir of resentment and disdain.  To face problems, separations, disagreements, illnesses, and stress, you will draw on your relationship reservoir.  Memories of good feelings and goodwill let you cheerfully give what’s needed. Resentment and hurt feelings stifle generosity. 

 

Wishing you a relationship full of Hope and Joy.

(adapted from How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together)

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: "My Girl's younger sister proposed to me"

Dear Dr. Romance: 
I'm in college in another country. I have relation with my girl friend since last 3 and half years ago. We have done sexual job in 4 times.  She is very honest and easy going girl. But she stopped her study. I have a good relationship with her still today, As long as I know she has no objection to marry me.
 
However, a few days ago her younger sister gave me her love proposal. She is also very beautiful and very inteiligent girl. Now I'm very thoughtful. Cos. I'm thinking that my girl friend sister will be best life partner of mine. Cos. she is very understanding girl.If she get financial support and advice then she will be doctor or engineer or ...
 
But it's not possible to tell my girl friend to forget me. She will be shocked after hearing this. I know it will not be a good job, but I have to think about my future. Her educational qualification is only Class nine. But I had warranted her in several times to continue her study. But Could't. Believe or not I was interested to bear her educational expense.
 
I want to do something that, she will forget me without any objection or any.....
Pls. send me yr advice to me. I'm very serious about this matter.

Dear Reader: 
It sounds like you are creating a giant problem for yourself here.  It's very inconsiderate and mean to switch from the older sister to the younger.  The whole family will be angry at you.  If you want to break it off with your girlfriend, then do it honorably.  Tell her you don't want to marry her if she doesn't get her education.  Let at least six months go by, then you can begin dating the younger sister, if she's willing.  Anything else will be creating a problem that will last for your lifetime.  Read "Stupid Cupid"  which will show you what really works in a relationship, and get you thinking more accurately.

You will also benefit from reading Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today.  Which can help you figure out what you really want in a mate.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm lonely and hate it!!

Dear Dr. Romance:

Almost all of my friends have boyfriends, (we're 22, turning 23) and i don't. i never have. i feel really alone during the wk bc all my friends are with their boyfriends. i basically work, take class, and that's it. i either need a boyfriend, or more friends, bc i'm lonely and hate it!! :( 

Dear Reader:

At times in life, old friends go through changes, and it's time to make new ones.   If you haven't made new friends in a while, updating your definition of friendship and increasing your skills at meeting people will be worth your while. 

First, consider what being a friend means to you. Who are your best friends? What qualities dothey have? Once you have a clear idea of the kinds of friendships you would enjoy, you can decide to create more of them in your life. This can be done in two ways: 
* Make changes in your current relationships: Ask your friends to participate in activities you enjoy, and spend more time with the friends whose style of friendship best complements your own. 
* Create new friendships --Reach out to coworkers, your neighbors or church members and invite them to accompany you in a favorite activity or for coffee. Or you may want to join a discussion group or take a class in painting, yoga, cooking or whatever you're interested in. If you spend time with people who have similar interests, you will soon create new friends.
 
If you find that you don't have enough friends, here are some guidelines for making new ones. Of course, you can tailor these suggestions to your personal tastes. 

1. Get a life. If you want to meet people with whom you have something in common, do things on a regular basis that involve others. Activities can range from taking classes, joining hobby clubs, volunteering, playing a sport or game, hiking, or any pursuit that meets regularly. The people you meet will share your interest, and you'll have something to talk about and enjoy together. 

2. Find interesting, fun people. Being involved in an ongoing activity, and meeting with the same people on a regular basis gives you a chance to get to know them before you decide to pursue a more personal relationship. When you find someone you think is particularly pleasant, spend a little time talking with him or her during or after your activity. Ask questions about the project you are working on, or share experiences and advice. If you both enjoy the conversation, you can offer to meet before or after the session for coffee. From there, you can begin to do more things together, until you've established a pattern of friendship. 

3. Don't overlook people you know. While you're making new friends, don't forget the people you already know. Is there a favorite family member you'd like to see more often? Call him or her and suggest going for a walk, or to lunch. Are there acquaintances at work, at church,in your neighborhood, involved in your school, or elsewhere with whom you could develop a friendship? Consider reaching out to them. Let these people know that you'd like to share events and activities. 

Spending quality time with friends is beneficial to your emotional, mental and physical health. If you follow the above steps, you'll find that it isn't as difficult as you think to make friends. "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends"  will help you create new people in your life.  "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will help you find a partner.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today contains guidelines and steps that will help you find the companionship you seek.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I just don't understand men

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'll admit, I just don't understand men. Do they want us to be perfect all the time? I mean, I think I'm a pretty okay person. I honestly like myself for who I am. It took me a long time to get to this point. I'm not a model, but reasonably attractive for a woman in her 40s. I'm fit, educated and successful in my teaching career. While being single mom of a teenager, I'm launching my art career, and trying to break into teaching at the university level. I love art, music, books, the outdoors. And I volunteer, and have friends.

So what's wrong with me? My most recent, painful, near-relationship has left me reeling. I met this guy through twitter. It was innocent- I started talking to him because he was a fellow artist and single parent, and was in pain over a recent break-up and seeking some comfort. I'd just gotten over a situation with a guy which was mostly internet based. He turned out to have misrepresented himself for nearly a year. Easy to do online, I believe. And I had opened up, shared, and fallen for him (or who he said he was.) We had even met in another state. After that, I gathered myself up, dusted myself off, and believed in myself again.

Then I began talking to this new man, I felt as if I could empathize with him, he asked for advice, for help. We hit it off and quickly became friends. He opened up, talked a lot about himself and how he felt about things. I appreciated that, I never judged. He's human. He's allowed to make mistakes and have faults. Before I knew it, I found I was really attracted to him. One night, he tells me he is really attracted to me. Our conversation that night moved from the computer and texting to talking on the telephone. I was elated. He said he really liked me. He thought I was beautiful, talented, wonderful. That he wanted me with him so we could talk, laugh, share. We both felt a connection. We continued to talk via the computer and texting throughout the entire next day.

That night, he indicated how glad he was that I had helped him through a tough time a when he had that break-up. He said he'd like to be that kind of friend to me. So I admitted to him my fear of opening up again to someone who lived far away, when I couldn't get to know them, find out if what they said about themselves and about us was really true. Yes, I was insecure, and looking for a little reassurance. I'm human. I'd just gone through a situation where I felt I'd been exploited, and I did not want to repeat it. David got angry. He said 'that's what I get for being kind to someone... I get their previous issues dumped on me, causing me pain' and that he was only trying to be a friend to me and that the right guy would come along for me.

Then I was very confused. I thought I'd misunderstood what had happened the night before. That maybe he just wanted to be friend, platonic. So I asked him about that. I admitted I was getting confused by his messages. Next thing I know, he tells me he's tired of drama, and that he needed to rebuild his life again. That was the last I heard. I tried calling, apologizing. Explaining that I'm human, I have things I need to work on just like everyone else. I sent a text, asking him if he was okay today. That I cared. Nothing.

So. That's over. But... is it wrong to be human? To make mistakes? Will I forever have to pretend to be perfect just to get a man to love me? If I pretend to be perfect, then is it really love for me, wouldn't it be love for a fake me? I certainly won't like myself if I go around pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm not perfect. Does being human, with all my positive characteristics and all my faults mean that I'll never find someone to love me? I honestly, truly don't understand. And since I'm so baffled, you can probably discern that this is not the first time I've been discarded because one of my faults slipped through.

Dear Reader:

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Partners have to be able to disagree and sort it out, so your reaction was not a bad thing. It's the dating venue, not you, that's messed up. E-mail and twitter are bad ways to meet someone. There's no responsibility, and it's too easy for men to say things they can't back up. It's too much of a fantasy world. This guy's response shows he wasn't serious about wanting a relationship, he was just playing around.

The best way to find someone is the old-fashioned way. You're active in your community, so meet people that way. Focus on your friends, and make new friends. Network with people you know, and before long, you'll meet a suitable man. You'll see him in action, with other people, before you show your interest in him. You'll know who you're dealing with before your heart is involved.You'll be able to see his behavior, and scope out his character by seeing how he deals with others and with you as a colleague or friend. The connection between you will grow organically, and you won't have nasty surprises. There are some articles on my website that will help you. "Where is love?" and "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" Don't lose hope. There are good men out there. I married one, and we've been happy for 30 years. I was skeptical when we first met (at a weekend retreat) and I really checked him out, because, like you, I had been burned. But, he passed all the tests, and our connection has stood the test of time. Even aging, gaining weight, and health problems have only made us stronger together. Love doesn't require you to be perfect, or super-human. Love is about being human, and sharing the ups and downs of life together. It's not about being beautiful outside, it's more about being strong and sweet inside. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you process the past problems and give you a process to follow that makes dating fun, safe and successful.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on: Kindness and Happiness

Dr. Romance writes: Recently, I went through very unpleasant and difficult dental work, and the outpouring of kindness I received -- from my husband, who held onto my ankle all through the two and a half hours (and had nightmares that night about it) to my dear friends, who offered me support and encouragement to heal and take care of myself – made me feel blessed, despite the pain. I don’t think there’s a greater happiness in life than knowing the people who love you are there for you.

We can cry together when loss is inevitable; and fight together when there's a chance something can be changed for the better. We can go for a walk, and share an hour of stories and mutual ideas. Contrary to the currently popular notion that what you have is more important than anything else, I find that who I know, who cares about me, and who is there for me makes the difference in how well my life goes.

Kindness

I have a textile art piece in the hall outside my office – a beautiful quilt square by Cynthia A Morgan – containing the following quotes about kindness:

A Kind Word textile art piece by Cynthia A Morgan

“One kind word can warm three winter months” – Japanese proverb

“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see” – Mark Twain

“Forget injuries; never forget kindnesses” – Confucius

“Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust and hostility to evaporate” – Albert Schweitzer

“That best portion of a good man’s life; his little nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love” – Wm. Wordsworth

“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted” – Aesop

“The greatest work that kindness does to others is that it makes them kind themselves” – Amelia Earhart

“My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.” – Dalai Lama

“Kindness in words creates confidence.
Kindness in thinking creates profoundness
Kindness in giving creates love” – Lao Tzu

Spreading kindness is the best way I know to be happy. If you want to spread kindness around, here are some ideas:

*Kindness begins on the inside – learn to be as kind in talking to yourself as you are to others – then, keep improving. Self-talk sets the bar for the happiness in your life.

*Letters, e-mails, notes and cards expressing kind words to your friends, kids or spouse and family, even when you live together or nearby. Getting uplifting messages will inspire anyone’s day.

 

*When you know someone who is ill, bereaved, down or needs help; get together with other friends and work together to get them what they need: whether it’s a meal, some company, or errands run.

*So many of us are lost about how to help a friend in times of grief; but all that’s really needed is a little kindness and a listening ear. Grief needs a witness, and you can listen sympathetically.

* Don’t forget to express your gratitude, beginning with the simple "Magic Words" -- please and thank you. Manners are social lubricant -- they hold society together, and they show respect to others. There's respect for self (treating oneself as you would a good friend), respect for family and friends, respect for differences, like other cultures, races, religions. There are certainly rewards for kindness. It lubricates social connections, and lays a foundation for love, friendship, business success and social recognition in your own life.

* One of the kindest things you can do for yourself is to keep a positive outlook and see the silver lining. Often we feel unlucky because we aren't noticing the luck we have. Even if something bad has happened, such as the loss of someone dear, the fact that you had such a person in your life was lucky, or having something to lose, in the first place, is lucky. By all means, express grief for your loss, but also remember the gift that you had whatever time with that person before the loss.

* Every gift is an expression of love, and every giver should be thanked graciously, no matter what the gift is. Whether you’re giving or receiving, what counts is the thought, not the value.

May you give and receive kindness as much as possible – it will make you happy.

© 2018 Tina B. Tessina

Adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Why am i intimidating?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Why am i intimidating? after i start talking to guys and i've hooked up with them, some have told me i am intimidating and they become shy in person. I'm not like scary or creepy or anything. (i'm tall skinny, blonde hair n blue eyes.) but is there anything i can do to fix that? Is it a bad thing"?

 

Dear Reader:

You don't appear to have trouble attracting a first date, so I'm going to take a wild guess that you either talk too much about yourself, or you argue with whatever the guy is saying. So, try listening more, and discussing the issues rather than arguing or objecting. "How to Be Irresistible to your Mate" has guidelines for being more open and cooperative. "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will show you how to get from the first date to many future dates.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will answer all your dating questions.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't like this game

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have a problem with this girl I like who's four years younger, we've been friends for a year. She recently broke up with her boyfriend. One week after they broke up, I went out with her. We had some drinks, and started making out.  I asked her how long she had wanted to make out with me and she said a while as our friendship was quite flirty. Then we ended up having sex, but it wasn't great because it was in the back of a car.

Since then its been similar to our friendship before, catching up for coffee and that, but ending with making out. A week after our date, we were having coffee and I asked if she wanted to go out with me. She said no, said she was still messed up from the breakup and wasn't ready.  She's also very critical about herself; asking "Why would you want to go out with me, I'm ugly."

I see her as beautiful and amazing and tell her that. But she said no, so I said let's be friends, and I'm ready for a relationship when she is.  A few days later, we saw a movie together and held hands the whole time and cuddled. After that, she stood me up for a party.  So many mixed signals.  My female friends she's playing a game, and I need to be more relaxed and go with the flow.  I don't like this game, because she can't find time for me. 

What advise can you give me?

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry to tell you this, but I think you're chasing a relationship that doesn't exist.  This young woman has a lot to deal with, and bugging her about a relationship is not a good strategy.  

You need to concentrate on being friends if you want any contact with her, and not let her draw you into her sexual acting out.  She's being kind to you when she tells you she's not ready for a relationship.   Listen to her, it's the truth.  She is playing games in a way, because she's confused and upset, and she's not acting rationally.  If you want to be her friend, stop thinking about her as a potential girlfriend, and just be supportive of her while she figures out what she wants to do.  

Read my article, "Letting GoTakes Love".   It will help you understand how to give her the space she needs. She's very young, and you're not much older, so there's plenty of time.  

Be patient.   If she does want to be close to you, she'll let you know.  In the meantime, focus on other people, other friends, and leave this girl alone for awhile.  She needs time to get over her last relationship, and to sort herself out.  If you care about her, you'll let her find her way.   Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today can help you find a relationship that's real.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Am I Single?

Dear Dr.Romance: 

My friends were joking that I have never been single, and I argued that I have - but they said my definition of being single was wrong! true, I tend to have long term relationships, but before I met my last boyfriend I was "single" for nearly a year. I define this as not exclusively being in a committed relationship with any one person, but yes I dated a few guys. they say that because I was dating, I wasn't single.... what is your view on this?? (i'll award best answer to someone who supports my argument lol) 

Dear Reader:

The definition of "single" varies. Some people who are getting divorced or already separated identify themselves as single. People also lie and say they're single when they're in a committed relationship or a marriage. I think that what single should mean is that you're not exclusively dating one person, or committed to anyone, or still married, even if you're separated.  I don't agree that single means the same thing as celibate. Don't assume your date is exclusive with you if you've never talked about it.  "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  will help you find a great relationship. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you go from dating to commitment.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

Dr. Romance on Dating: The Fine Art of "Squirrel Hunting"

Dr. Romance writes:

The most frequent problem I hear from single clients is that of how and where to search for a partner. Other clients are searching for friends.  Many of them have been searching for a long time, without success; others have been afraid to go out and search at all. Most of the horror stories you have heard about dating occur when daters rush the process. Getting intimately involved with someone you don’t know, allowing strangers into your home, or being all alone with someone you just met is just asking for trouble. Dating successfully is an organized process that will take some time. It begins with carefully looking for the right people in the right places. I like to use the metaphor of Squirrel Hunting when I talk to clients about how to date successfully. If you think of what you’re doing as Squirrel Hunting instead of making friends or dating, it will sound a lot less intimidating, and be easier to change your old habit patterns. It works well for finding friends, too.

Squirrel Hunting — How to Do it

There are two ways to catch squirrels. One way is to run around and try to grab them or pounce on them -- but in so doing you'll only scare them away, and they'll run faster than you do every time. In the end, you'll be very frustrated and exhausted, and you'll have no squirrels. Or, you can go to where the squirrels are, offer them something attractive, like walnuts, and wait quietly, just enjoying the day and the place. It will take a while, but if you are very relaxed and quiet, they will begin to get curious, and soon they will begin to check you out. If you stay relaxed and let them get to know that get to know you are safe and you have goodies, and before too long they'll be all over you, and eating out of your hand. Then you have your choice of several squirrels. Success is guaranteed, if you have a little patience.  Using dating apps is like visiting squirrels in the zoo.  Not much chance of getting to know them.

Finding the Right Hunting Grounds

Where you go is what you get. Dating apps and websites are only marginally successful, and the odds aren't good. Clubs are not good hunting grounds if you want a successful relationship. In a club, the odds increase that you’ll find someone with a drinking problem and no life. Instead, find regularly scheduled activities where you can meet and talk to like-minded people, getting to know them a bit before you decide to date them. Classes, sports teams, lessons, hobby groups, community service organizations, discussion groups and church groups are all likely places. If you go to places with activities that interest you, then anyone else you find there will automatically have something in common with you: the activity. It gives you a great starting place for conversation. If you know the type of person you’re looking for, and go to the right places to meet them, you’ll be successful before you know it.

The area of your interests is like the forest where the squirrels are.

Once you find it, the people you want to meet will be there. Aside from finding a partner, what interests you? Are you a science or history buff? Do you like to play or watch golf, tennis, basketball or other sports? What about the theater, the arts, politics, photography, science, bridge, books, gardening, computers, crossword puzzles, model (or full-scale) airplanes or boating? The possibilities are endless. If you follow your own interests, you’ll automatically meet people you can have fun with, and who have something in common. How you follow those interests makes the difference. For example, if you just buy a ticket and go to a baseball game, you are not too likely to meet anyone. (The love of your life could just happen to have the next seat to yours, or be standing in the hot dog line when you go, but the odds aren’t good.) However, if you get involved in a booster club, or find a group of people who enjoy playing or going to games, or even meet with a group to watch games on TV, as long as both genders are represented, you’ll have a great chance meeting some friends and eventually making a serious connection. If you just take photos, you’ll have nice photos. If you go to a photography class or group, you’ll have even better photos, plus a chance to meet others you can “click” with. To turn your interest into a dating or friendship opportunity, just find a way to meet other people who love the same things. Find a group or a class on the subject, and you’ll automatically find others who love it. Through them, you can meet more people, and learn about new resources for finding people who share your interest. If you are feeling tense, just think of all those squirrels, and you can chuckle to yourself, and relax and enjoy it, which is much easier if it’s about something you’re already interested in.

The squirrels can check you out and see that you’re non-threatening.

In terms of dating, this means having a good time wherever you are, and making yourself comfortable. Relax, talk to some people who seem easy to meet (whether you’d like to date them isn’t important; they can be the wrong age, the wrong gender, etc.) Once you get to a function or event, you’ll have a lot more fun if you forget about the dating, and participate fully.

When you enjoy what you’re doing, you’ll be far more attractive to the squirrels.

Focus on enjoying whatever is there to enjoy, and don’t worry about dating for the moment:

* If you’re attending a class, concentrate on the lesson or the activity. 
* At a party, talk to anyone who seems easy to approach.
* If you’re playing or watching sports, concentrate on the game.
* At a committee meeting, the PTA or a volunteer group, get the work done.
* On a hike or camping trip, watch for the real squirrels, and enjoy nature.

Preparing yourself To be a successful squirrel hunter, you need to have your life together as much as possible.

The key to is to create a successful relationship with yourself, and then use that as your role model for a successful relationship. Start with your body and your health, to develop the energy you’ll need. When you’re well-rested and healthy, you’re at your most attractive.

Dress for the hunt

By creating the appearance you think will attract the kind of person you’re looking for. Success in finding a relationship depends more on how you feel about yourself and your own life than on how rich or physically attractive you are. Looks and outer attributes fade in importance very quickly: your personality and self-esteem are what your partner really values.

Like the successful squirrel hunter, you need to be able to relax and enjoy the day and place.

Patience and a calm attitude not only are very attractive, they also promote thinking clearly and making good choices.

Preparing Your Lair

Set up a cozy place in your living room for conversation and relaxing, then, if you like, burn a candle or some incense there to concentrate your energy and focus your thoughts on what you want.

Walk into your place and look around with a stranger’s eyes. Do you like what you see? If not, make some changes until your living space reflects who you are. Then, when an occasion arises to invite someone (or a small group) over, you’ll feel good about doing that.

What’s Fun about You?

Your fun qualities are the tempting bait you offer. What do your friends like to do with you? What do they seek you out for? Do they like to come to your place for dinner? To go to the beach? To talk? To go walking or bike riding? To work on projects together? Would your friends say you have a good sense of humor?

The people who know you best want to do what they have the most fun doing with you. They think of you first when they want to do that activity, because you help make it enjoyable. Pay attention when your friends seek you out, or complement you, and remember what they like about you. It’s also important to consider the personality qualities you like about yourself. Knowing what people enjoy about you is valuable for two reasons: First, it’s good to remind yourself of those positive attributes when you’re feeling anxious or unattractive. Second, you will know what qualities to display when you’re meeting someone new.

Thinking of dating as squirrel hunting will give you the framework you need to change your unsuccessful dating patterns into fun, safe, and effective methods that will actually result in a healthy relationship. As the old song says, “I wish you love.”

(From Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today)

  

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: It really makes sense to me

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been reading your advice at your website. I like what you have to say, and it really makes sense to me. I would like to tell you that you have helped me without even meeting. I have been thinking about meeting with a therapist for a while, and have tried in the past, once, but have just not connected. I am wondering if you know, or could refer me to, anyone near where I am?  I'm sure you are very busy and appreciate any help you can give me. Thanks again!

Dear Reader:

Thank you for such kind words; I'm so glad my website has been helpful. I wish I had someone in your area I could refer you to, but I don't know anyone.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"   will give you all the information you need to find an effective therapist for  what you want to work on.  If you want some insight into how counseling works with me,  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction contains all the major information and exercise I use to help my clients move on from their past problems.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm sick of waiting and feeling I'm not good enough

Dear Dr. Romance,

I am a young adult male who has always had some sort of complication in relationships. I need help on deciding what I should do from the point at where I’m at now. The situation is that I have been talking to this girl.  She first started talking to me but I didn't really think much of it at the time. We started talking on a regular basis, and she began to like me. She liked me more than I liked her and she began to think I only talked to her because I was bored. As it got later into us talking I noticed I started to like this girl a lot. As her liking for me dimmed down slightly because she thought I didn't care. I tried to tell her differently but she always thought I was joking. 

So one Saturday morning I get a text from her:  "I did something bad last night." I later found out she had sex with this kid. I was mad but I never stopped talking to her. She then started liking this kid. And she felt bad because she didn't want to have sex with him and not mean anything. Because then shed feel like she got used. She has only had sex with him on that one occasion (so she says). But now she likes both of us. She talks to me every day and him like every other day or only for a few minutes at night. I have asked her to make a decision and she refuses to. I know she is young and immature but I feel I must not give up. I like her. But she likes this other kid and I feel like crap. We have only hung out once in person so that might be why things are different. She says she only "like likes" this kid and "love likes" me. I think I need to hang with her more in person and see how things go. I just hate having my heart out in the open. And I'm sick of waiting and feeling I’m not good enough everyday. 

Dear Reader:

You're right, you need to hang out in person more. She needs to be in your presence, so the hard-to-get guy isn't more attractive.  But, please keep in mind that she's probably in a fickle state right now. She may go back and forth for a while. She sounds very immature, so be careful if she's not of age.  You may be setting yourself up for disappointment.  Pay some attention to other girls, to give her the message that you won't wait forever.   To learn more about relationships, you can read my articles "Where is Love?" and "Dating: The Fine Art of “Squirrel Hunting” and my book, Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Incomparable?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Incomparable? I was in a beautiful meaningful relationship that led to a too brief but wonderful marriage until tragedy struck and my husband died two years ago. I rejoined the dating world nine months ago
and am having a difficult time finding someone who can measure up to my standards. My late husband was handsome, funny, sensitive, romantic, trusting honest, caring, and was my best friend. It is because of him that I know what true love feels like. Counseling has taught me not to compare others to him. What would you suggest?

Dear Reader: 

I'm glad you've learned not to compare others to him. It's too easy to bestow sainthood on a person who has passed, and no real human can live up to it. You're just coming out of your grief and emotional shock, so take your time. Focus on making friends and getting to know new people -- not on finding a "replacement" for the person you lost. He'll never be replaced, but you can try a whole new thing with a different person. In Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  I recommend having a "beginner's mind" (a Zen Buddhist concept), which means being willing to start from scratch, allow yourself to feel awkward and new at this.  Seek to learn, to experience, and regard it as a new adventure. Don't compare it to anything you've done before. You've been through a life-changing experience, and you're a whole new person now, so approach it that way. You'll learn about yourself as well as others, and eventually you'll find happiness. The article "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" will help you understand the grief process you're going through and what it's like to come out on the other side.

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance’s guide to dating safely:

I have encountered so many people who have been disappointed, ripped off or worse when dating online, that I drew up some guidelines for keeping yourself safe.

Dr. Romance’s guide to dating safely:

• Be skeptical, not gullible. When you're meeting dates online (it is not dating until it's face-to-face) you have no way of knowing who they are. There are documented cases of con artists conning gullible people to send them money, marry them etc. online. Don't be afraid to ask for details, Google your date, ask to talk to friends and family members, let your date meet your friends. You need objective people to scope him out.
• Be realistic, not romantic. Don't develop a fantasy about the date until you know the facts. It's a tough world out there.
• Focus on friendship. Concentrate on developing the friendship. Romance follows later, after you've checked your date out.
• *Don't tell your date too much: Don't give away your address, home phone, work location until you know who this is. If you have children, protect them by being discreet.
• Pay attention to how this person acts, what he or she says; seek to discover character, don't fall for just looks and charm.
• Don't assume you're dating exclusively if you haven't discussed it.
• Don't rush into sex: Going slowly into sex reduces the risk of STDs; avoids the awkwardness of intimacy with a total stranger; stops codependent obsession; and makes sex more special. There's no advantage in rushing; when sex is right, it will happen. If your date leaves because you won't have sex right away, they'd have left anyway.
• Don't get too self-conscious. The media focus on youth and fitness can make you feel insecure and unattractive. When you meet him, look your (appropriate) best, and then forget about it. Instead of worrying what your date thinks of you, focus on what you think of your date.

from Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

 

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: What was all this for?

 Dear Dr. Romance:
 
It's funny that many times I talk to my girlfriends about dating and usually get the sister talk that really does not result in much clarity. It's more like we talk to each other to have an opinion. That's not to say none of my girls make much since, it's just they mostly comment in a sort of one sided (my side) way- understandable.
 
Recently I dated a guy who is about 5 years younger than I am. I'm 30. He's 25. When we met I was so done with dating and only did it as a 'hobby' - I was not looking to be with anyone. A friend of mine from church suggested I date since I'd moved to her smaller town for work (TV producing) and all I did was work and go to church. I was also a little depressed about my mother having had a stroke and not being able to be there for her even though she was much better at the time...
 
So I started to date.... the first time ever, I dated 6 men in about 6 months... I have always been the career oriented person and not dating... after a while I was fed up with the craziness of people pretending to be someone they are not because they want you to like them. I call it meeting their "PR" person. I'd given up and wanted nothing to do with men when I met Mr. X. I was walking home from work as I did Monday - Friday when I ran into him in my apartment building. At that moment the weirdest feeling came over me, it was as if I was floating and time had stopped. I was suddenly happy for no reason. We spoke, flirted with our eyes and the tone in our voices...  then we went separate ways. I thought to myself, "only if I see him again randomly was there a purpose in our meeting." This was because he told me what apartment number he was in and I wanted to see him again so bad but refused to go knock on his door. A week later I saw him again. He told me he'd seen me many times before when I told him I've never seen him before the week prior. He'd lived there for 2 years, I'd only been there for 6 months.
 
Anyway fast forward a bit... I found out he was younger and expressed my dis-interest in dating a guy so much younger than me, he was 23 I was 28... We talked some more... I thought we were friends, he told me age is irrelevant, we ended up dating for almost 2 years. We have so much in common, we clicked from the beginning and had a blast until...
 
The problem aroused when his mother learned about me and my age, she disapproved. She was nice to me but would try to hook him up with women behind my back. I knew because he told me. Then the Monday following Thanksgiving (after having spent it with him, his mom and his mother's family) I was on the way home and ran into him escorting a woman to his apartment. I found out from the woman that her sister went to church with his mother and his mother connected the two of them.
 
About 5 months before that he told me he loved me (for the first time). It took him a week to do it (odd behavior for a week- calling my name and staring at me with nothing to say then saying something stupid like pass me that pen). Then when he told me his mother was trying to hook him up with another woman I told him she didn't like me-because I was older... he assured me his mother did like me and that he was not interested in dating anyone else.
 
For a year I struggled with moving on, which was very hard because he became very hard towards me... treating other women with more respect, but constantly telling me he loved me and missed me... also saying let's just be friends.
 
He is hoping to start his residency to be a doctor in May, I am completing my first year in law school... we no longer live in the same State and he may be moving anywhere soon...
 
I am writing because this was the longest relationship I'd ever been in and the first guy I met and had, 'the-world-has-stopped-and-life-is-lovely' feelings towards so I wanted to know if you could tell me, what was all this for? Part of me thinks because he never loved before he's major confused... part of me thinks he wants to please his mother and that's why we couldn't last...   At any rate, I don't understand why people say I love you if they don't really know that they do (dated a guy when I was 24 who wanted to get married, he married his ex- and now going thorough divorce asking me to 'let's start over, and plan to be married in 1 year;' he said I love you and wasn't sure - he said it took him years to realize he really loved me) I am struggling to not talk to him at all this year and have blocked his number from my cell so that I can't call or text him and vise versa... It is very difficult because we've been through so much good and bad... also because I lived in the apartment directly above him we were always together - seeing each other every day that is... I feel incomplete without him and yet we have chosen to move on... I also decided I we can't friends because our heart is too involved... we've tried. There's been trust issues, anger issues, love and sadness... I'm focusing on me and moving on but I still wonder what was all this for?
 
Dear Reader:
 
Yes, it is understandable that your girlfriends take your side.  They are your friends.  I like your idea of dating being meeting the "PR" person. I don't think a five-year age difference is significant.  I'm sorry his mom interfered, but it doesn't sound like he was at all ready to be in a committed relationship, which is understandable, since he was going to med school.
 
There's more than one kind of love. There's fantasy romantic love, which is what he was expressing when he told you he loved you and then changed his mind.  Real partnership love, which is what you need to sustain a relationship, is very different, and doesn't leave you confused.
 
I'm sorry you've been disappointed. I think your decision to not be friends is good for the time being, because you're going to need a break to let him go.  Maybe what it was for was to get you interested in having a partner who will last.  Consider it a 'starter relationship' which was there to open your heart again.  Get busy in your life, and in school.  If you're around people, you'll find someone soon.  You'll find Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today helpful, and  "Stupid Cupid" will help you find out if a relationship is going to work.  Best of luck to you. 

 

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am not needy but I am very picky

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have met a new guy and I am very interested. He's a veterinarian. I first talked to him on the phone about my ailing horse. The attraction was there even before I met him. When he came to check on my horse the spark was there and it seemed that it was the same on his end. He came back out another time and the attraction once again seemed to be there also on his part. I asked him to a party I was having and he said he would let me know. He called and said that he had a family member that was dying and had to go out of town, but he seemed genuinely disappointed that he couldn't come.

When he came back to check on my horse he said he had really worried about me when he had left the night my horse was sick. He seems interested but is very hard to read. Should I send a thank you card with a note telling him I would like to get to know him better and suggest meeting for coffee? If he does not call after that then I guess I was reading something into it that was not there. Or is there another way to get his attention? Almost everything I have read tells me that the guy wants a challenge and if I make the first
move then I appear needy.

I am not needy but I am very picky and I really haven't felt a connection with anyone that I feel with him in a very long time but I don't want to freak him out if there is an interest there on his part or lose him as my vet as he is a really good vet.

Dear Reader:

I think a thank you note with an invitation is a great idea.  There's no way to know what his mixed messages mean until you test it.  Asking him for coffee is not too confrontational and shouldn't cost you the veterinarian relationship if he's not actually interested. He may be being cautious because you are a customer,too.  My article "Asking for What You Want" will help you understand gender differences in communication.  Dr Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  includes guidelines for transitioning to dating from a business acquaintance.

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Should I say yes to him?

Dear Dr. Romance:

My boyfriend of a month and a week was planing a surprise for my birthday (he was trying to keep it a secret.) well we got in to a fight 3 days ago and last night I took him back. He was talking to my bff on im and he told her I took him back and told her he was going to propose to me on my birthday to prove that he loves me, and he was stupid and told me he had a big
surprise for me. I didn't want to wait and he wouldn't tell me then he says that she knows so don't ask her. 

I did and after about an half hour of begging her to tell me he got online and she told him I was mad cuz she wouldn't tell me. Well I figured it out and I asked her and she wouldn't tell me if I was right so I assumed I was and they were talking about it and he asked her to lie to me and say that's not what he was planing she ended up sending me that part saying damn it she knows please tell her no that's not it she said I'm not fond of lyin and he said please. Well I freaked out a little in a bad way. I told him if he is planing to do that to expect disappointment and she said that today he said he was going to ask me any way I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice? I mean I love him but I don't know if I should be his wife after all we have only been dating for a month and a week. Can you help me? 

Dear Reader:

Of course you're not ready to be married to someone you've only known for five weeks. Actually, I don't think you're ready right now to be anyone's wife. You need to grow up first. So does your boyfriend, and your friend doesn't sound helpful, either. Talking behind your boyfriend's back, guessing instead of asking, and throwing temper tantrums is not a very grownup way to communicate or to develop a healthy relationship. You both need to calm down, learn to talk about things rationally, and understand what a mature, healthy relationship is.  "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship?" and "Stupid Cupid" will help you figure out what a healthy relationship is, and how to build one.. How To Be A Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will teach you how to communicate effectively, make plans and agreements that work, and solve problems together. That's what marriage is really about.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance's Guidelines for A Great First Date

Going on the first few dates with a new person can be nerve-wracking. These Dr. Romance  guidelines can help you be safe, find out the important things you need to know, and have fun.

*Safety First – Before you go on this date, make sure you have thought about who will be in control at what times, and of what situations. You don’t want to be caught fighting with yourself over a decision when you need to make one. Decide in advance what behaviors and situations will be acceptable to you and what won’t. As long as you are comfortable and feel your boundaries have not been breached, you can relax and enjoy the moment. However, once a line is crossed, you must be willing to take control of yourself and not just go along with something you find uncomfortable, unacceptable, or dangerous.

Here are some ways to figure out what your boundaries are in advance.

First Date — or Later Dates

Boundaries will be different on the first date than on later dates. The more you know your date, the more relaxed you can be. In the beginning, however, set the line pretty high. If your new date shows signs of rage, drunkenness, hysteria, rudeness, disrespect (such as leaving you alone and flirting with others) recklessness, or other embarrassing or dangerous behavior, do not be polite or tolerant. Remember, your date is supposed to be on his or her best behavior, and if you tolerate this, it will only get worse.

If your date’s behavior gets seriously out of line, don’t hesitate to leave. If you’re driving for both of you, tell your date you will take him or her home immediately. If you’re not the one driving, tell your date you want to be driven home (unless the driver’s been drinking too much), and if that doesn’t work get yourself home by taxi or public transportation. Yes, it’s rude to leave your date, male or female, at the restaurant, in a bar, at a party, or at a movie, but your date makes it necessary if he or she has already been rude or out of line. If the date is your treat, leave enough money to pay the check, or see the waiter before you leave. If you stick to your limits on the first date, you’ll find that your date will get the message, and either move on to someone else (good riddance!), or apologize and correct the unacceptable behavior.

Here’s a partial list of limits you should mentally set in advance – there’s no need to talk about them unless the lines are being crossed.

• Your drink limit (driving and not driving)
• Your date’s drink limit (driving and not driving)
• Behavior limits (rudeness, social acceptability)
• Sexual limits (don’t allow yourself to be pressured)
• Territory limits (not going to dangerous places)
• Distance limits (not getting too far from home)

* Avoid Anxiety, Giddiness

Your first date is exciting and energizing. Have fun and enjoy the moment, but be aware if you get too excited, anxious and giddy, you might come on too strong. Don't let your anxiety prevent your date from seeing the real you. Remember this is just a first date, and don't get too far ahead in your fantasies. This is a crucial time for learning about this other person, so take your time and allow the relationship to develop.

* Be Charming

Don't underestimate how powerful your smile can be – use it often, make eye contact and keep the conversation flowing. Pay attention to what interests you about your date, and show interest in his or her opinions, experiences and activities. Be complementary whenever possible, and respond intelligently to whatever is said to you.

* Have Fun — Don't Get Too Heavy

Keep your date light and easy, and have a good time. Focus on being pleasant, having fun, and not getting too far ahead of the relationship, and you will be great company. Be careful not to soliloquize – don't talk too long about any one subject without inviting a comment from your date.

* Keep Conversation Interesting, Light, No Deep Secrets

You can talk about anything, including your personal lives, past relationships and love in general, but don't be the one who brings up the intimate topics first. Be wary of prying too deeply into your date's private life and secrets, unless the information is voluntarily offered.

* Don't Talk Too Much about Yourself　

Keep your focus on learning about your date and don't talk too much about yourself. Dole out some information about you, especially if it relates to what your date is saying, but don't talk endlessly about your own life, opinions, experiences or activities. Punctuate your conversation with questions: "What do you think?" "Has it been that way for you?" And listen to the answers.

* Pay Attention!!! You Have Things to Learn Here!

The most important aspect of this date, in addition to having a good time, is to get to know each other better. No matter how excited, turned on or thrilled you may be about this date, listening to what your date says, watching what your date does and understanding how your date feels are still your primary objectives.

* What Your Date Thinks of You Is Not Your Business — Your Business Is What You Think of Your Date.

One of the easiest ways to lose your objectivity and balance in this is to worry about what your date thinks about you. If you spend your time essentially trying to look at yourself through your date's eyes, guessing what he or she is seeing when looking at you, or hearing when listening to you, you'll miss what's really happening. You're supposed to be evaluating the other person, not thinking, positively or negatively, about yourself.. Pay attention so you know what YOU think of your date.

Hopefully, because you've thought about the serious issues in advance, you'll still be able to relax and have a good time — so good, that you decide to keep dating each other. Then, you'll need a whole new set of skills. (c) 2018 Tina B. Tessina from Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: How realistic is it for a woman over 40 to expect a date to lead to marriage?

Dear Dr. Romance:

How realistic is it for a woman over 40 to expect a date from an online dating site to lead to marriage? 

Dear Reader:

It's not realistic for anyone to expect one date to lead to marriage, but if you know what you're doing, it is possible to find a spouse via dating someone you met online. Just keep in mind that it's a big, anonymous world, and get to know your potential date face-to-face as soon as possible. Understand that it will take a few months just to find out if the person you're dating has real potential. Go slowly -- it takes time to develop a healthy relationship. While you're figuring that out, try not to get caught up in the excitement of it all, and keep your wits about you. Pay attention to what your new friend is saying about himself, how well he hears what you are saying, and look for clues to character. Your job in the dating game is to figure out if the other person is the right kind of person for you. Watch for clues about how he handles money, whether the two of you can disagree and work it out, and, if he has to be right about everything -- run!

For more helpful ideas for dating and building a relationship, please read "Aspects of Love" and "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"  You'll also find help and information in Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Why doesn't he want me?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm a housewife in my mid-thirties, married for 7 years,  In our marital life I have never been satisfied, because our sexual interaction never lasts more than 15 min. It makes me unhappy. I have spoken to him regarding this matter but he didn't take it seriously. I feel that he is avoiding me. In a year we have only been together for 2 times and only for 15 min. He is working permanent night shift  and always claims he is tired. Sometimes I really feel that I need him very much but only get disappointed.  In the last two years, even though we are under same roof and sharing the same bed, there has been no sex. How can I handle this situation?  I'm really confused and badly need a partner to share my feelings and emotions. The thing is he doesn't even have any affair outside; so why doesn't he want me?

Dear Reader:
Sex drive is quite complicated, so it's not easy for me to tell you what is wrong from your brief note.  It's possible your husband's sex drive is not very strong, but it's more likely that he's not very educated about sex, or interested in it.  It's possible he is having sex with men, or another woman.  Complaining about it will not work: it will just push him further away. Don't wait for him to change; make changes yourself.  Find some fun things to do and invite him along. What you need is a session with a therapist,  Go by yourself if your husband won't go.  You will get good information,  and your husband will understand that the problem is serious.  Make an appointment, and invite him to go, but if he won't, go by yourself. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a suitable therapist.  "Better Intimacy, Better Sex"
will teach you how good sex and the intimacy you crave are connected.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will guide you through conversations about sex with your husband.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com