Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dr. Romance on: Where is Love?

Dr. Romance writes:

Probably the most prevalent question I’m asked in my counseling practice is "Where is love?" Clients want to know why they can’t find a successful life partnership, why a friend or family member won’t respond as they would like, even why they don’t love themselves. In a perfect world, love wouldn’t be something we have to learn – if you believe in a loving cosmos, then we were all conceived in Love, and it’s Love that created us. But, we live in a human world, and we’re all imperfect beings, falling short time and time again in our attempts to love one another and even to love ourselves.

So, we have to learn to love, and even learn to be loved. The more we can learn to think of ourselves surrounded by Love, living in Love, breathing Love in and out, the more we begin to feel it, and the more we attract it. As we understand this, we begin to meld our imperfect, human world with the larger, more expansive world of Love, and things begin to happen that we cannot anticipate. Expecting a miracle, as long as we really strive to understand what miraculous means, will actually make it happen. It's not really magic, unless you believe as I do, that the mind is a miracle in itself.

Think of it this way: every opportunity we have to be loving is a course in emotional growth – thinking about love and relationships as a learning experience will make it easier to increase your loving potential.

Most of us are quite practiced in taking courses. If you sign up for an algebra course, for example, you know what you’ll face: 10 (or so) weeks of learning new material and homework assignments consisting of more and more complex problems based on the material learned. You may grumble about the homework load, or complain about the teacher, but you never think you've been given the problems as punishment. Problems are a natural part of the educational process.

Life, too is a classroom with many classes. One of the most rigorous courses is Love 101. It's required, no one escapes it, and the skills learned are useful for an entire lifetime. The syllabus for this class includes love of self, family, and friends. The advanced syllabus includes love of enemies and those who disappoint, hurt or frustrate us. All of the problems presented are to help us stretch and grow emotionally.

Every relationship you have is a learning lesson in love, both of yourself and of the other. By keeping in mind you are a student, and problems are to learn from, you will make life easier, growth faster, and everything will make more sense.

Your homework is to learn about love. This week’s assignment might be some difficulty with a friend or family member. How are you going to solve the problem of loving that friend who’s not treating you well? How are you going to turn an abrasive situation into a smooth path? Or maybe the person who’s not being so nice to you is actually yourself. So, what can you do, when you’re at odds with you, to reconcile and turn the criticism into appreciation and love for self? Sometimes a romantic partner or spouse is the biggest challenge. What if your partner is not listening to you, or resisting your ideas? How can you love that, and make enough room in your heart to hear him or her first, and help the atmosphere change from hostile to loving? And what if your assignment is creating a romance where none exists? How can you do that with love for yourself, and with the positive belief that there’s enough love in this imperfect world that you can have what you want?

Once you’ve been disappointed or hurt, being afraid is natural, and it’s even a healthy response to facing a situation you’ve had trouble with before. Your fears are saying, in effect "I’ve had a bad time with this before -- I don’t feel prepared to do it again." Rather than letting that message frighten you away, learn to love your emotions for wanting to keep you safe, and discover a new, slower, safer path to tread. But don’t give up on the goal. You have learned a lot in your lifetime, and all of us can always learn something more about love.

(c) 2022 Tina B. Tessina from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My husband who is 39 left me for a girl of 19

Dear  Dr. Romance: 
My husband who is 39 left me for a girl of 19. Not attractive, a student who works in a cigarette store. He moved out so fast and had her in his life as fast that  I'm still reeling 4 months later. We lost our home and have a lot of debt. Why do I want him back? Why do I have hope? I raised his son who is also out of my life (15 years old).

I am doing better day by day but still wish they were here. The girl is at his house a lot. But I keep hearing that it isn't what I think, and that he knows it won't last. I find this compulsion to  drive by his house to see if she is there. He had been "talking" to her for a while before he left but when he decided to leave it was fast. I realize this seems like rambling but we lost everything and I am barely making it as he says the same is true for him. So how or what do I do to get through?

Dear Reader:
I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time.  I'm guessing that your husband has been seeing this girl for a while, and he did it as an escape from all the pressures of his (and your) real life.  I'm glad you're doing better day by day.  This is a good time for you to focus on making friends and staying close to your own family and the friends that you have.  Join some activities which will be there for you on a regular basis.  You need to get a lawyer and file for divorce.  Your husband may have more money than he's letting you know.  A lawyer can find that out for you.  "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again"  will help you move on. "Decisions After Forty: Reinventing the Rest of Your Life" will start you thinking constructively about  the areas you need to restructure in your life. The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make after Forty gives you a plan for picking yourself up and starting over to build a more successful and satisfying life. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My genes and hormones are still in their teens

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I'm fifty nine years young but my genes and hormones are still in their teens, twenties and thirties. The women that I am attracted to are in their thirties and forties. I'm sad to say that most, if not all, the women in these age groups look at men like myself and brush us off as if we don't even exist, or that we don't have the right to desire a much younger woman. They seem to think that the only thing we are good for is to take up a space somewhere in a bone yard.

I hate to disappoint them, but God willing, I and many others like me are a long long way from that.   Most, if not all, of the women other people tell me I should be trying to date are grossly obese or are, in other ways, unattractive to me, for whatever the reason. I admit that I have high standards. In the past, I have been told I need to lower those standards. I have done this on four occasions and have paid dearly for it, emotionally and in one case, emotionally and financially. The younger women who contact me on the internet through  dating services are nothing more than a bunch of players and scammers, usually in Africa and/or Russia. 

There is another thing to consider here. Because of contracting Diabetes about twenty years ago, I had a terminal case of ED. This has been corrected through surgery. I need a women who can keep up with me sexually as I have a very high sex drive, especially for a man my age. A woman who is obese and in her fifties just will not cut it.

My question is this. How can I present myself to the women I'm attracted to in a way that will say to them that "I am a full grown guy with more than enough get up and go to keep up with you. Look at my age as a plus. I have been around the block enough to know how to love and appreciate a much younger woman."?

Any advise or suggestions you can pass along will be most appreciated.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry your image of women your age is so negative, and that you're not attractive to the younger women you desire, but it's not a new problem.  I suggest you stop living in a fantasy world, stop lumping people into categories, and get out into the real world and meet lots of people, make friends, create a social network.  There, you have a chance of meeting a real person whom you like and who is attracted to you. If you want to meet a woman with energy, go where people are doing active things: sports or dancing.  You'll also brush up your social skills so you're not putting women off.  You'll have to develop a broader interest than just having sex to be interesting to women of any age.  "Attitude: From Negative to  Gratitude" , "Age Differences in Dating" and "Where is Love"  will give you more information on changing your attitude.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you a guide for success in finding a good relationship, and will  help you see yourself and your relationships more clearly.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: his apology didn't change much

Dear Dr. Romance,

I've read your articles online and was impressed by your viewpoints and solutions to problems between men and women.

I'm married for more than 10 years with no kids. I joined a new firm 2 years ago and started working with a lead on a new project. I felt he's nice at first and we worked very closely together. Sometimes we chat a little about each other's personal life. There's once when he told me he's been married for more than 10 years with 2 kids. He's about the same age as I am. He met his wife in college and they had the same background. When I commented that he found the perfect one, he said she's not perfect but is his other-half. He couldn't keep on divorcing to find a perfect one. I told him the first one is usually the best. Another day later, he told me his mother divorced for his stepfather when he's 14, he experienced stress during that time, and he didn't want his son to go through the same he did.

After he left my cube, he emailed with "Girlfriend?" in it. I instantly felt insulted and emailed him back with angriness. He explained to me that  "girlfriend" didn't mean someone to sleep with, but a 'meaningful' close friend. I asked him that coworkers getting along well with each other is good, but why did him want to put me in this position? He said sorry, and later he referred to this request as a joke. A few weeks later he came to me and said he's been thinking about me all weekend, and asked me if one could love 2 people at the same time. I said that's not love but attraction. He said felt better and we continued trying to maintain our work relationship until one day he asked me for my pictures via email. I rejected him and he emailed me back implying it was my fault.

I started to examine myself thinking I might have misled him sometimes and felt depressed.  Since he blamed me, I stopped talking to him, tried to avoid interaction with him as much as possible. He noticed and came to apologize saying he was unprofessional and hurt my feelings.  But his apology didn't change much Now I just feel the relationship is awkward and I don't have much respect for him even though everyone else still thinks he's a very nice and helpful guy. 

Now my problem is, every time he asks me to do things, I have resentment since I don't feel he deserve to be my lead. But I know this is not good for the work and my own career.  People don't know what happened between us and would think I'm trying to be hard on him for no reason while he still presents himself as a nice, patient, and helpful person in front of everybody including our big bosses. 

I thought about leaving the team, but I've earned my reputation here through hard work and I like what I'm doing. Can you tell me the right approach to deal with it? I hoped I'd found your web site much earlier for I feel so stuck in this relationship for quite a while. Thanks and I look forward to your reply.

Dear Reader:

Actually, I think you've handled a difficult situation rather well.  This man is a user, and he has learned that being charming will get him what he wants.  As you already realize, he's not such a nice guy.  If you want to stay in your present position, keep doing what you are doing, being polite and cool, but not giving him any personal warmth.  Focus on doing your job. "Mirrors and Teachers" will give you pointers on giving him a time out and handling his harassment without creating a problem.  "Setting Boundaries and Saying No" will strengthen your resolve to keep him in place.  Be patient, he'll find another victim before long, and leave you alone.  You might also find my book, It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction helpful in understanding how other people can seem nice but actually be trying to take advantage of you.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance On Giving Thanks

Dr. Romance on giving thanks:

A lot of people aren’t very good at looking at the positive.  I hear a lot of negativity, blaming and complaining daily in my counseling office, and I find the more negative people are, the worse their lives work.  Talking about how bad it all is seems to be quite popular.  When I can break through this fashionable bad attitude enough to get my clients begin thinking of what can be done to fix the problem (rather than how awful it all is) things soon begin to improve.  

Of course parts of life are hard; things don't always go right.  We all grieve at loss; we hurt sometimes; we can feel tired and overwhelmed. 

But when you make the effort to see the other side, this very same life can also be full of delight and joy.  When we look with gratitude, we remember the people we have lost also filled many days with laughter and friendship.  Loyal friends rally round and support us when we get hurt, tired or discouraged.  

For clients who complain that they're lonely and lost, I point out all the wonderful opportunities they have to connect with others.  If you're out of a job, sure that's hard, and sure job hunting takes time: but it also gives you time to spend with people; which can be absolutely free, if you arrange it that way.  There is no charge for walks on the beach, sitting on the porch at sunset talking, or helping each other with your resumes.  

I knew someone who was fond of quoting research that claims depressed, pessimistic people have a more accurate view of reality than optimistic, happy types.  What I want to know is  whose lives work better: the depressed people who are supposedly more "realistic", or the happy, "unrealistic" ones.  This charge of unreality connected to a happy outlook is more of the modern, fashionable "downer" attitude. 

We don't get to choose everything that happens to us in life; but we do have many powerful choices to make, including how we respond to what happens to us.  If you constantly see the most negative interpretation (half a glass being half empty, rather than half full), your demeanor will reflect that negativity.  If you seem depressed, down or angry most of the time, others will respond to that negatively: by rejecting or criticizing you.  No one can handle being around a person who is down most of the time; it saps the joy out of life. 

The opposite is true when you’re optimistic and grateful for what you have. 

It's probably easier to show gratitude when you're not overwhelmed by largesse and opportunity. It’s easy to take it all for granted, when we have so much.  But, in my practice and in my own life, I see the result of remembering to stop and be grateful.  Counting blessings enhances your life, by increasing your awareness of what you have, what you've accomplished, and the love you experience.  It enhances relationships by reminding you to say "thank you" and getting the reward of spouses and friends who feel appreciated, and thus motivated to give/love/share more.  Celebration + Appreciation = Motivation.    

Here are are some easy tips on how to feel more thankful: 

*Take some time each day to be thankful (ideally, to your Higher Power, God, the Angels, The Saints, the Universe, Mother Earth/Nature, or whatever you see as a Supreme Being)  for each and every thing that comes your way.  Do this silently, for yourself, not ostentatiously, to impress others.  If you say a grace before meals, say it silently, and think about how fortunate you are. 

*Keep a list for one week about every good thing that comes your way -- a funny e-mail, a phone call, a business success, a loving gesture.  At the end of the week, you'll be astounded at how much you receive. 

*Saying "Thank You" to your partner allows both of you to feel valued. Gratitude is powerful, and, used properly, a much greater motivator than demanding, criticizing, or nagging.  Creative thank you's are the most powerful kind.  It's easy to scope out what kind of thank you will be memorable for a particular person, when you’re paying attention.  Recognition is a powerful motivating factor, and a little gratitude can go a long way.

*Whenever a negative thought comes to mind, counter it with a feeling of thanks for something that is good in your life. Change your focus from what's wrong to what is right.

*Start counting what you already have that you cherish.  Consider beginning a gratitude journal, and noting all the positive things, beloved possessions, and tender moments you experience. Or, start a gratitude jar, and note down on scraps of paper all the positive things, beloved friends, favorite possessions, and tender moments you experience in your own life and store them in the jar. Then whenever you feel another pang, pull out a few papers and read them. You'll find that reminding yourself of all you have to be grateful for will cheer you up and help you remember that your life is a good one. 

Looking for the blessings in every day will maximize your awareness of how lucky you are, and increase the luck that comes your way.   I think of it the same way I think of receiving a gift.  If I receive good things by thinking "It's about time", then who would want to give me more? But, if I receive gifts with gratitude and pleasure, then the giver wants to give me more.  I think life works the same way. 

May your life be full of good things.

from The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: What is a backup solution?

Dear Dr. Romance 
 I just read your article about "Asking for What You Want" and it made a great deal of sense for me and my current relationship.  The only aspect that I didn't understand was when you stated that if you get a no or maybe response, you should have a back up solution.  What do you mean by having a back up solution?
 
Dear Reader:

Having a back up solution means to be prepared with what you're going to do if you get  "no" for an answer.  How are you going to handle the situation if your partner doesn't agree to do what
you want?  "No Cooperation? Solve it yourself" shows how to get unstuck when your partner won't cooperate.   How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together explains how to solve the problem for yourself when your partner won't cooperate. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: When you're white and your significant other is black

Dear Dr. Romance:  How do you handle it when you're white and your significant other is black?

Dear Reader:

If you are of different races or cultures, you have a lot to learn from each other.  Depending on where you live, you may experience some negative reactions from others, and you need to learn to ignore that. If your friends or family have problems, and you really want this relationship to succeed, you have to let them know that you won't tolerate any negative comments.  You can politely say, "I'm sorry it's a problem  for you, but this is the person I love, and I don't want to hear negative comments about it."   "Guidelines for Being Better Understood"   "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" and "Keys to a Happy Relationship" all contain information you can use to improve your life together.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will show you how to communicate about your relationship and your views, and how to work through relationship problems as they come up.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: His mother was an alcoholic and a toxic bitch

Dear Dr. Romance:

Don't know if you can help me or if i need to go to specialist alcohol sites.  My partner and i had been together for 21 years, i asked him to leave 8 months ago, but i miss him dreadfully at times and i have to remind myself why i asked him to go. His mother was an alcoholic and a toxic bitch, still is , anyway he has gone off to stay with his mom and dad, he's forty six years old , he did date someone briefly but i think it's over. Anyway is there anyway i can do to sort this out, i do love him but can't stand what his drinking was doing to me and our family. I seem to be the one having problems moving on.

Dear Reader:

It's difficult for most of my clients who have to deal with an alcoholic partner.  You're right to make a break, and you must stay away until he recognizes and gets help for his drinking problem. 

You'll find help for yourself at Al-Anon.  It's the AA support group for spouses and families of alcoholics. If your children are old enough, they can go to Ala-Teen. You'll all learn a lot there and you'll find others who understand what you've been through. You'll be very glad you went. Al-anon will teach you how to deal with your ex-partner.  

'Read "Letting Go Takes Love"  to help you remain strong and "Mirrors and Teachers" to help with the difficult mother-in-law.  They are free on my website.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand your family dynamics.

 The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance, and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs will show you what is involved in addiction and what is necessary to heal from it.

  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on The Meaning of Life

Dr. Romance writes:

A seeker goes to Nepal and climbs into the Himalayas to find a teacher, a guru he’s heard about. After months of searching and struggle, he finds the famous man, and asks his burning question: "What is the meaning of life?"

"The meaning of life is a bridge," replies the wise man.

The seeker is incensed. "Wait a minute, what kind of dumb answer is that? I struggled and fought to get here, and that’s all you have to say? A bridge? That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard!"

The guru blinked, looked at him and said, "You mean...it’s not a bridge?"

Most of my clients come to me, not searching for the meaning of life, but focused on some crisis in their lives: a relationship disaster, marriage or family problems, lack of direction and motivation, some huge loss for which they’re grieving, an emotional problem such as anxiety or depression, or perhaps even for help in recovering from an addiction. The first thing we do is sort through the crisis, handle immediate problems, and get everything settled down, then we embark on an extended process of figuring out how the problem happened and what must change to keep it from happening again. Once those things are handled, there's a period of bliss or euphoria, when life is working for the first time, they feel successful, calmer, more in charge. Most clients leave at this time.

Then, frequently, they come back asking "Now that I'm in charge of myself, and have a lot of extra energy, because life is a lot easier and my relationships are working, it feels like I'm missing something: what am I doing here?"

This begins a spiritual search for meaning, a transformation I've written about in The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs,

 

People for whom the basics of life are already established need more: they need a sense of meaning and a higher purpose than just survival. Once self-confidence and self-esteem are established, you’ll need a challenge to feel satisfied, a way to express your uniqueness and individuality to yourself, to friends, and to the world.

But if your life's purpose is not evident to you already, how do you find out what it is? Where does a sense of purpose come from? It comes from within you, and is not imposed or chosen from outside. Your purpose may be your livelihood, or it may have nothing to do with how you make a living. Your purpose may be a simple one, like making a good, healthy life for yourself and your children, or it may be more dramatic, and based on what you learned by healing your own childhood experience. Focusing on inner purpose can help you transform anxiety, anger, fear and rage into powerful, life-affirming action.

A life purpose gives you the means to control your destiny, no matter what the force of the hardships you have incurred. Most of the world’s spiritual thinkers have said that the wisdom guiding each of us is available if we just listen and trust what we hear. You may already be having many ideas but not be trusting them or taking them seriously. Perhaps when you get a sense of what what your life's purpose is, you are too distrustful of yourself, (I can’t do that) or too hopeless and helpless to believe it or act on it. Your purpose may make itself clear to you in one instant flash, or gradually, as if you are following clues, one at a time. Whether you get it all at once or a piece at a time, it will still take work and experience to bring it about. Inner wisdom is not rational or practical in nature, but more intuitive and spiritual. It can provide a way to see the big picture, or a more detached and objective viewpoint of the issues and problems of life. Each new idea must be tested through practical use, to see how it works. Step by step, using both intuitive wisdom and clear thinking, you can bring your inner motivation to the surface and use it to create what you want. Your combination of inspiration expressed through action becomes the bridge to the meaning of your own life. 

From:  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I can't forgive my girlfriend for cheating on me

Dear Dr. Romance:

Just over one year ago, my girlfriend cheated on me. It wasn't the standard 'met a guy, went to his place' kind of thing, she did it via the internet. He had her cell number but she swears they never talked (though she admits he left voicemails). Everything seemed fine with the relationship (though clearly it was not) until within a week of the time she began talking to him. During the time she was talking to him (sometimes in Spanish, which I do not speak, in front of me) she said she had lost interest in our relationship and seemed generally upset. He was a mutual acquaintance we both knew from an online hobby (a game). Suddenly she had lost interest in me though we had an increasing amount of sex. I later found out she thought of him when we had sex some of these times (she didn't volunteer this information, I asked point blank expecting a "no"). After talking to her I drew my own conclusion that she was naïve, opened up to him, and he took advantage of her, first talking about how things were generally, and slowly transforming her opinion of our relationship to think it would never work.

Now I am finding myself 16 months past this, and I can't let go. We've talked about it, I know everything she remembers (or everything she will tell me). She says everything is ok, seems truly remorseful, but I can't let go of what she did. I can't help but think 1, 5, 10, 20 or even 30+ years down the road how I will feel about my decision to stay with her should she do this again. My problem is that I cannot let go of this event. I enjoy time spent with her and we rarely argue. We enjoy many of the same foods & music, have similar goals, and basically want the same things out of life. Unfortunately, I can't truly forgive her for what she did to me, and this event feels like a wound that refuses to heal. I have only brought this up once or twice (and never during an argument) since it happened, but I feel like I get nowhere (despite both sides trying) when we talk about it; the only thing that changes is her going from happy to upset. I want to forgive her, but it feels like an impossible obstacle to overcome. I know it's silly in comparison to someone actually physically cheating, but had that been the case, we would almost certainly be over. I'm not sure how I can cope with this, many people have told me I'm being silly and should continue the relationship, but I can't seem to get myself to see it that way. Now I see her spending extra time on school, doing the right thing and possibly lining herself up for a job once her school completes, and I can't help but wonder if she's cheating (my logical self tells me it's not the case, but if I don't actually see her all day, I feel like I simply don't know).

Dear Reader:

The reason you can't let go of your hurt and betrayal is that you and your girlfriend have not healed the wound in your relationship. I strongly recommend that you get therapy. You both sound a little immature emotionally to me, and couples counseling would help you fix this problem and also deal with the other issues in your relationship. You don't need to be able to open up to just anyone, but you do need to be able to talk openly with your partner. On-and-off sex can also indicate a problem, especially if one or both of you is dissatisfied with your sexual relationship. Your girlfriend developed a crush, a temporary obsession with the fantasy relationship she had with the other man. It's easy to get swept up in fantasy, because it is so much more perfect than real life. She's still with you, which is a good sign. Have you ever considered learning her language? The fact that he could speak Spanish was probably part of what she was longing for.  Have you considered learning your girlfriend's language? It could be a way to bond if she helps you learn Spanish.

You two need to develop a partnership; not just hang out together. To build partnership, you must develop mutuality. That is, to care about each other's wants and needs, and work together to make both of you happy. Your relationship must have a lot of good in it, or you wouldn't still be together. Build on the good things.  "Handling The Green-Eyed Monster"; will help both of you understand how to deal with jealousy,   "Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner" will help you communicate, and "Stupid Cupid" will give you important questions to ask and answer together.  Reading and discussing them together should help you and your girlfriend solve your problems.

How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together is a manual you can use together to learn healthier relationship skills.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: my wife has control and anger problems

Dear Dr. Romance:

I saw your articles from your web site and was really impressed with your thoughts on relationships! I've been married for 18 years with 3 children. I am a very active Dad (Basketball/baseball coach for all of them) but my marriage has been very unhealthy for most of the marriage. My wife and I have had our time with therapy and her therapist stated that she had obsessive-compulsive disorder, but my wife also has control and anger problems! One example is, she actually got into my face and yelled at me when I was cleaning the dishes - All because I she wanted me to use the dishwasher. Once, my oldest son told her during their argument that my psoriasis was caused by her. Yes, when she manipulates, gives me the finger for whatever reason, twists my words around so we can't talk and discuss things rationally, the itching is more severe and persistent with my psoriasis sores. My problem is my children's adjustment if I leave and myself trying to cope with the poor friend of the court visitation schedule!

Dear Reader:

You said you and your wife were in therapy, but have you gone to therapy yourself? Please try either therapy or Co-Dependents Anonymous to get help in dealing better with your wife and her problems. If you do need to get a divorce, you'll need some expert help in how to go about it. You also need to know that you did everything you could to make the marriage work. It sounds as if you're being passive/aggressive in the face of your wife's OCD. She needs help (OCD is curable) and so do you.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will help you and your wife learn to work together, and  "Guidelines for finding and using Therapy Wisely"  will help you make sure you're seeing the right therapist.  You're right that divorce will be difficult for your children and yourself.  It's worthwhile to work on the problems to see if they can be fixed.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I just recently dated a man with a violent past.

Dear Dr. Romance:
 
I just recently dated a man with a violent past. I didn't know that he was like that until I found out he was wanted by the police and arrested for  assault  and battery with a  deadly weapon. He lied to me about his name and his past. We write to each other every now and then. I know its time for me to let go but I'm having trouble deciding on how to tell him to stop writing me. I also made the mistake of sending him my picture and now that my rational side is taking over I now realize my folly. Do you have any ideas? He knows where I currently live so I need to be careful on how I end things. I already told him  that I would not be there romantically for him when he gets released and  that  all I could offer him is friendship. He also knows that I will be working at Mass General so I could be easily found even though I plan on moving from my current living situation.
 
Dear Reader:

You did make a dangerous mistake, especially with a man who has transgressed enough to wind up in prison.  Your best bet is to tell him you've met someone else, and hope he moves on to someone else.  Say that your new boyfriend is the jealous type, and you can not be friends with him.  You can set this up over a couple of letters, if you think he'll believe it more. When you move, do not leave a forwarding address, or forward your mail to a P.O. Box. Change your phone number, and don't make it easy to trace you.  If he shows up at your work, or calls you there, you'll have to tell your superiors about the problem, and get a restraining order.  Don't mess around with this, don't worry about hurting his feelings.  Just end it cleanly.  A violent men will not understand that you just don't want to hurt his feelings. Anything less than a very clear "you must not contact me" will seem like an invitation to him.  If you met him online, re-think what you're doing to meet men.   "Family Violence Q&A; " "Friends in Need: Interventions for Domestic Violence;" and "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship" will help you change your idea of what a relationship should be. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand why you feel powerless about him, and how to change that.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance on Self-Reliance and Independence

"As the price of liberty is vigilance -- so the price of independence is self-determination, the price of dignity is self-assertion, and the price of respect is self-respect," wrote psychiatrist Dr. Thomas Szasz.

Dr. Romance knows that self-determination and self-respect are the necessary keys most unhappy people need to grasp the concept of taking full responsibility for and control over their own lives. Until they find this key, dissatisfied people dream that there is someone else who can make "it better", who can take total care of you, who can be responsible for you more effectively than you can yourself.

We have this dream for two reasons: 1) when we were little our parents led us to believe that someone would take care of us and make it better; 2) unaware parents failed to teach us the skills necessary to take care of and feel capable of being responsible for ourselves. Self-Reliance and happiness begins when we realize how false and destructive this dream is; when we understand that no one can take care of us better and that only we are responsible for our lives; and when we start to learn effective methods for doing these things ourselves.

By developing self-reliance and independence, which is the ability to take care of and be responsible for yourself, you acquire:

(1) The emotional tools necessary to free yourself from dependency.  To be responsible is to be able to make effective decisions and choices for yourself, to weigh alternatives, and to evaluate ethical dilemmas and solve problems. When a problem arises, the independent person has acquired the skills it takes to face it squarely, learns as much as possible about it, considers many options, weighs the possible outcome of each option, and perhaps seeks advice and counsel before reaching a decision. As independent and self-reliant person, you can ask directly for help, but you remain in charge of how much and what kind of help you accept, and you make clear agreements about what is expected in return.

(2) When you develop self-reliance and independence within yourself, you also are developing the role models that enable you to choose appropriate friends and a suitable mate. The interaction you have with yourself is a role model for all your other relationships. For example, if you criticize yourself frequently, you're more likely to stay around others who are critical, because it feels familiar. Likewise, self-reliance and independence in yourself also helps you see it in others. When you have a caring, responsible relationship with yourself, you develop an internal relationship model to use as a basis for your friendships and intimate relationships with others. As you become more experienced at identifying healthy friendships, your circle of good friends grows -- beginning with your relationship with yourself, expanding to a few new friends, and eventually growing into a supportive "family" of choice who reinforce your autonomy and independence.

And (3) the understanding that you are responsible for yourself and must learn whatever you need to make your life successful, functional and happy; rather than waiting around for someone else, or trying to gain another's approval.

Taking care of and being responsible for yourself requires skills that are usually learned in early childhood. However, we don't always get the healthy positive examples we need, so we grow up without the necessary learning.  This is not unusual, or entirely the fault of our parents. If you were gradually taught and encouraged to be self-reliant from early childhood, you would learn the necessary skills and attitudes for autonomous living one step at a time. Unfortunately for many of us, our parents were not trained in autonomy either, and could not teach us.

Even the popular idea of parents' "responsibility" for children can be counter-productive. Parents who see their role as controlling their offspring rather than teaching them to make choices on their own, teaches the children dependency rather than independence. 

Another reason self-reliance an seem difficult is because most of our society actively discourages it. Media images of love and caring, a parental "I know what's best for you" attitude among helping professionals, religious and political figures, and the generally accepted idea of parents' "duty" create an atmosphere in which independence appears to be selfish and alien. We are taught to value caring for others to the point of martyrdom, and to regard caring for ourselves as "self-centered" and "egotistic". 

Children who don't learn self-love and self-control (rather than guilt and duty) become dependent and insecure adults. Those children who are taught self-reliance and independence and therefore take care of themselves are viewed with disbelief (she can't be that good) suspicion (yes, but if we only knew...) and envy (some people have all the luck) by the others.

Recovery programs are challenging these social attitudes by defining caring for others without regard for self as "codependency" and "enabling". Twelve-Step programs such as ACA and Al-Anon have popularized a concept long established in psychology theory: that it is unhealthy to be too dependent on another. However, while all these have indicated that dependency is unhealthy, they haven't yet learned to value self-reliance.

Contrary to these beliefs, self-reliance and independence actually enhance relationships with others, and allow giving and receiving to be truly unconditional. Only a person who is fully able to care for him or herself can be free to love and give freely; deprived people give grudgingly. 

As children, our natural curiosity is powerful. In fact, young children are small "learning machines". Their whole being is focused on learning through their five senses. Research shows that children are "turned on" by situations in which they can learn. Their bodies produce hormones such as adrenaline and endorphins -- natural substances that produce a "natural high" -- the body's own, internal motivation and reward system for learning.

When faced with a new experience, as long as they feel safe and unthreatened, young children are highly motivated to explore and learn. Secure toddlers are irresistibly drawn to bright colors, new sounds, and new experiences -- they find your jingling car keys fascinating. To a child who has supportive, loving, functional parents, the world is a fun, safe place to be, and learning is exciting, and exhilarating. Children who feel secure are compelled by their joy in learning to venture forth, to begin to take small risks, and begin to act independently of their parents. It is in taking these risks, under parental supervision and support at first, and increasingly independently as the child grows older, that the necessary skills of self-reliance are first learned.

Independence grows out of these healthy learning experiences. Through taking risks, we learn how to solve problems, and also how to deal effectively with disappointment and failure. When we have learned these skills, our experiences with life are successful, producing confidence that we can rely on ourselves to experiment, to solve new problems we encounter, and to comfort our disappointment and correct our mistakes. When we know these things, we know we can take care of ourselves.

Frightened, insecure children, on the other hand, are dependent on the adults around them. Their world is too insecure to risk, and they look to others to solve their problems and care for their feelings. Being unaware of your motives, feelings, wants and internal dialogue leaves you out of control, unable to figure out how to satisfy yourself. It is, indeed as though you don't own your life, as though someone else must run it.

A solid sense of self means knowing your sensitivity and capacity, being realistic about it, and acting accordingly. To possess our own lives is the work taught in The Real 13th Step.

Excerpted from: The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs   

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My brothers did not like my choice

Dear Dr. Romance,

I am a PhD student in Computer Science and Mathematics in Europe.  I am interested in your blog which helps to a lot of people to find the best solution in their lives.   I have also some problems in my private life. I would be very grateful if you could give me some advice.

I met my girlfriend here in the Master studies program. We have the same language and religion. We started a  relationship.  She is very clever, educated, looking good and nice. We had a good time together until we graduated. She left and I got a position as a PhD student here. Now, she is working in another country. She is four years older than me. I was her first sexual partner.  Finally, we decided to marry, since we loved and respect each other. As appropriate in our culture, first we told our parents. They were also glad of our relation and final decision, but my brothers did not like my choice and they started to complain all the time. They say that I am young, educated, have a good financial position, and I can find some young beautiful girl. For me the age difference was not a problem, I did not even think about it, because my fiancée looks very young and nobody can feel this difference when we are together. Then, my brothers started forcing me via phone and mail. Now, I feel some strange feelings inside me, and it disturbs me all the time. I started to dream bad dreams and bad thoughts that is unusual. I dream of my future: I am old and my fiancée is too older than me, everybody is laughing to me, etc. I never thought that somebody's opinion will influence on my mind. If I listen to my brothers, first I will disappoint my fiancée, and second who knows, I might not find somebody like her, I never met a girl with good mind and nice like her. But, maybe my brothers are right and I will have a problem in the future.

What should I do, which way is the best way of the solving this problem, will it be any problem of this marriage?

Dear Reader:

I'm afraid your brothers don't sound like they have your best interests in mind. They're just reacting out of prejudice.   I don't know why you're listening to them.

If you have had a good relationship with this woman, and have developed a good connection, and even your parents like her, why let your brothers' opinions matter? It sounds like they are jealous. I suggest you tell them to stop saying bad things about your fiancée. Perhaps you could get your parents to help you stop your brothers' bad behavior. It's not easy to find a person with whom you are compatible, and if you and your fiancée love each other, you should value that.   "Coping with Critics" gives better ways to deal with your brothers, and "Stupid Cupid" will help you sort through your real fears about marriage with your fiancée.

How to be Happy Partners Working it out Together will help you understand what being married is about, and give you tools you can use.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Can a person refall in love again?

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I  would like to know if you think a person  can refall in love again?

Dear Reader:

I'm not sure what you're asking. If you mean can you fall in love again with the same person, the answer is yes.  In fact, that's a necessary part of long-term relationships.  We need to fall in love over and over again. If you eliminate whatever is in the way of caring for each other, and both people are willing, it can and will happen.   "Guidelines for Dating Your Ex" will show you how to do it safely. 

However, if one partner is not interested in falling in love again, it won't work.  You cannot coerce someone into loving you. 

"Stop Reacting and Start Relating" will show you how to keep your communication healthy, which is the basis for a good relationship.  "Guidelines for Being Better Understood" will teach you how to speak in such a way that you can be heard, and It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you sort out your confusion about love and relationships.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com 

Dear Dr. Romance: I got upset when he said he wants to stop fornicating with me

Dear Dr. Romance:

 My male friend likes to look at good looking women a second time and more and if the woman is looking at him, he will stare at her. I have a friend that is nine years younger than I am. I am the age of his older brother. We have been seeing each other for two and a half years. Since a year ago, he wanted to stop having intercourse, which we were having on weekends only. I got upset when he said he wants to stop fornicating with me because it is a sin. I am a Christian and I know that is not good to have sex with someone you are not married to.  He says he cannot marry me because of the way I raised my kids (that I cannot say no to them, according to him.) Then, now he said I should not go to his house on weekends because he has to grade papers. He is getting a teaching certificate, and I am getting one. I have not found a job yet, and he says, it could be that God will not get me a job until I change my heart and stop wanting to fornication with him.I have asked God for forgiveness and strength, and asked that my friends heart be changed to see marriage as a good thing. I think he is afraid of commitment. He is kind of controlling.  Let me know what you think.

Dear Reader

The fact that you're calling it fornication tells me you don't feel it's the right thing for you to do.  I'm afraid he's done with you, and he doesn't have the guts to tell you outright. So, he's dropping hints and hoping you'll catch on. I'm guessing he's already involved with someone else, which is why he doesn't want to see you on weekends.

Let go. If he really wants you, make him come after you. Focus on enjoying what's good in your life, church, family, friends. You don't need someone who doesn't act like he cares about you.  You deserve love and happiness, and a relationship you don't have to be ashamed of. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you find a better partner. "When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships" will help you form a better idea of what relationships should be like.   "Where is Love?" and "Dating: the Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will show you how to find real love in your life.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm going insane in my relationship

Dear Dr. Romance 

I read "What Is A Dysfunctional Relationship?", and it makes a lot of sense...I have a questions though? I'm unsure where to go get a little advice. I'm 22 yrs. old and think that I'm going insane in my relationship...How'd you help me...may I get a little advice?  I NEED HELP

Dear Reader:

You aren't giving me much information to go on.  Try reading the many articles on my website for more relationship information.  "Guidelines for Being Better Understood"  and "Guidelines for finding and using therapy wisely" will be very helpful for you.

Think carefully about how you're communicating with your partner.  You need to be clear about what you want, and what you're trying to express.  Your partner can't work with you to improve the relationship if you aren't clear about what's wrong. If you think your relationship is dysfunctional, How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition will help you and your partner work together to understand each other.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com 

Dr. Romance asks: Are you addicted to your smart phone?

Recently, clients have been coming to Dr. Romance with questions about their cell phone use: either it is creating a problem in a relationship, or with getting work done, or even health problems.  Here's how to tell if you have cell phone addiction; and what to do about it.

Addiction/Compulsion is defined by how much it interferes with your life. If you can't control your use, it's important to get treatment for the addiction, even if it's your smart phone. When the level of your phone use means you neglect or have problems with your family, your social life, your health, you are likely to be addicted. If your family constantly complains that you're on the phone too much, or you don't get out for social events or to exercise, your smart phone use is excessive, and probably addictive.

The difference between a healthy phone use vs. addiction is that healthy smart phone use can be controlled. If Wi-Fi, smartphone or charging station is unavailable, it is disappointing but not devastating. When addicted, the phone user feels desperate to have his or her phone outlet, no matter the cost.

Ask yourself these questions to determine if you might be addicted to your smart phone and neglecting other aspects of your life:
Can I set reasonable limits on my phone time?
Am I on the phone long hours for no extra pay or non-work reasons?
Do I have some time for exercise?
Do I get enough sleep?
Do I have time for family and friends?
Am I endangering myself by texting while driving or in other perilous situations?
Am I ruining my relationships by compulsively sexting?
Am I unable to commit to a relationship because I’m constantly using an app like eHarmony, Zoosk, Match.com or EliteSingles?

Realize that the often sedentary nature of phone addiction means if you spend too long at it without breaks, you’ll damage your body and be at risk for repetitive stress injuries (carpal tunnel) and the isolation is also bad for your health. Some of the problems such as slouching over the phone for hours, which strains the neck and back muscles; eyestrain, blurred vision, dizziness, and dry eyes caused by squinting; headaches and even migraines. Another health effect is finger cramping and sore hand muscles that come from continuous scrolling, texting, and gaming on smartphones. Which can cause inflammation in tendons, and possibly lead to tendinitis and carpal tunnel syndrome. People have also experienced phantom smartphone vibrations when their phones were not actually vibrating or not even in their pockets.

To overcome smart phone addictions, find a Twelve-step program like Internet & Tech Addicts Anonymous (ITAA) www.netaddictionanon.org/.  Therapy, in conjunction with a Twelve-Step program, can be very helpful, not only in overcoming your smart phone addiction, but also in healing your underlying motivators, the relationships that have been damaged, and even your success at work.

The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs (Digital Parchment) Offers powerful help in recovering from smart phone or other addiction  Available on Kindle for your smart phone.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Older men and younger women

Dear Dr. Romance:

I enjoyed your article regarding younger men and older women; but what about older men and younger women who fall in love?  What is to be said about that?  I am in my 40s (and in my prime), and I have met the most wonderful woman in my entire life -- in her 30s.  We have fallen in love, and it has been all through online, and we have not even been together yet, but plan to be soon...   A friend of mine I recently discovered has a similar scenario.  Possibly you have an article on this published that I can read, as I was wondering the philosophy behind this younger woman dating an older man approach....

Dear Reader:

Whether or not a relationship is healthy is not determined by age differences, but by the interaction between the partners. A ten-year difference is not too difficult to bridge, but differences of twenty years or more in age can lead to some difficulties as the partners get older.

For example, the younger partner may mature and reconsider his or her choices, or an older partner may confront aging problems much sooner. As long as both parties are adult, and the couple have talked about the age difference and the future possibilities, I don't make judgements about their ages.

The reasons for dating someone of a different chronological age are myriad, and often go back to childhood. There are healthy and unhealthy reasons to date someone of a different generation. One motivation for dating a younger person that usually isn't successful would be fear of aging on the older person's part. Obviously, a man or woman who dates someone as young as his or her children is going to run into some social opposition, but the differences that can cause the most problems are differing maturity levels.

Success in such relationships depends on what the motivations of both people are. Some older people feel younger at heart than their contemporaries, and like to date people who are as active as we are. Chronological age doesn't always reflect either physical capability or emotional maturity. Sometimes an age difference is a mentoring relationship: the older person advises the younger one on life or career. This can backfire when the younger person decides he or she has learned enough, and wants to move on.

Since you and your lady friend haven't yet met face to face,  "Guidelines for Successful Dating" might be helpful. Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differencescan help both of you negotiate any challenges that arise in your relationship.  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: They said "Go help somebody, you selfish jerk"

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am an addict. long term. I've had some time in NA running what I thought, and what others even so much reinforced, that when I began to feel like I needed to "leave the nest" a little  (at about five years sobriety), I copped all kinds of flack from other members, and I had a really  hard time getting anything in my life to "work". But after having arrived at NA in '99 smashed  into tiny pieces from a years-long bout with heroin addiction, the  program helped me put those pieces back together. and pretty well I  might add. but after a while I felt like I was still a bit "sick"  and I could not figure out why.

I began to become very frightened. a long and slow progression into  hell followed, and I couldn't seem to find any answers with my AA  colleagues. "Go help somebody, you selfish jerk", was the usual  party line.

Well, I relapsed; again and again since then. It's been about two  years "out" now. today, I'm pretty shot out, I know I have to stop, but I haven't been able to. so on Saturday, I am going to check out a methadone maintenance  program for a while. god knows I don't want to be on that stuff forever, but it feels like  my nervous system is so raked, that there's no way I could hold on any other way. but I'll  still be left with me. and that's the part that I know is going be the most difficult.

I found your book (actually, my father did.), The Real 13th Step, and it sounds like me talking, when I was still sober and feeling kinda okay.

The point is, i need some therapy, because no matter what i do, I'm  still always left with the real problem, me, and all the guilt, shame, lack of true confidence, you name it! And there is no torture worse than knowing you are a bright, bright  star, but not allowed to shine.

thank you for your patience with my long letter.

Dear Reader;

I'm sorry you've had such a difficult journey.  Clearly internal pain is a big component of addiction, especially to hard drugs. It's often a way to self-medicate the pain of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, the residual memories of a painful event, or events.  Methadone maintenance is a helpful way to transition from heroin addiction to sobriety, but it doesn't eliminate the emotional problems underlying the compulsion.  Cleaning up from drug addiction is a layered process.  One must get past the physical addiction: the body's dependence on and cravings for the drug.  That's what usually happens in detox.

Then, there's the habit problem: the brain patterns established while using the drug.  Habits are powerful; we need them so we don't have to decide each move we make every day.  However, there are healthy habits and destructive habits.  Addiction, of course, involves a lot of destructive habits. One must learn to replace the destructive habits with healthy ones.  That's one focus of twelve-step programs, like Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous.  The program helps you replace destructive patterns with the twelve steps, which are much more constructive. The twelfth step requires giving back to others, which replaces the destructive self-involved habits of addiction. 

One must also replace destructive social environments (like hanging out with druggie friends) with more constructive associations. Twelve-step programs provide this through having many group meetings you can attend every week, which gives you social contact and support in addition to the twelve-step learning process.  In the meetings, you are also exposed to the experiences and stories of other addicts who've successfully become clean.  Because relapse is so pernicious in recovery, twelve-step programs emphasize that you are never cured; relapse is always a possibility, so they say "keep coming back; it works."

What the twelve step programs are not really about is healing the inner pain. That requires deep therapy, which is what The Real 13th Step: Developing Confidence, Self-reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve-Step Programs, teaches.

 

You can use the exercises in it with your therapist, or as an adjunct to your twelve-step group, with your sponsor.  I wrote it when because so many twelve-step members came to me looking for the same things you are seeking. To make your relationships, your work, and your life function properly you need skills and healing beyond getting clean and sober.  The Real 13th Step supports and enhances twelve-step work while giving you the extra deep recovery insight you need.   

I encourage you to find a therapist, and to get back into studying the twelve steps.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a therapist who is knowledgeable.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Will my self-improvement end my relationship?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Yesterday I purchased your book It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

  I plan to read it intently and to complete the exercises with self-honesty and motivation. I have a few questions, though, which I need to preface with a short synopsis of my situation.

I'm a 45-year-old divorced woman who has been dating a similarly-aged man for over three years. This man is not without his flaws, of course, but is someone with whom I share a solid friendship, have a ton of respect for, and genuinely love.

Unfortunately, I'm a hair's-breadth away from irreparably ruining this relationship. A few days ago I pinpointed why: I lack the ability to exhibit the empathy and compassion necessary to sustain a mature relationship. I recognize no one's needs but my own; I fight to win; I offer solutions while dismissing feelings; etc., etc., etc. I believe that my shortcomings arise not from some inherent defectiveness, but from long-standing habits which I developed to survive my childhood and to thereafter fight against my past and "make something of myself" as an adult. Accordingly, I also believe that with a bit of work  (i.e., the assistance of your book)  I can become the empathic partner (person) I'd like to be.

But I have three questions for you. The first, I realize, can only be answered hypothetically: Do you think I can stop my destructive patterns quickly and effectively enough to ensure I won't cause additional damage to my already-rocky relationship, or would you advise me to be on my own until I'm confident I will no longer engage in these behaviors?

Second, do you think it's realistically possible for one to successfully establish -- and maintain -- new patterns in a relationship that's been in a dysfunctional "groove" for years? And my third question is along the same line: I know it's possible, but is it probable that my self-improvement will actually end the relationship? In other words, doesn't the drama, tension, and sabotage that I bring to this relationship have some payoff for him? And if so, isn't it likely that as I become healthier he'll unconsciously "ramp up" his own baggage (for lack of a better word) to keep things at status quo?

Thanks a lot for your help.

Dear Reader:

Good for you! You have made the first, big step: taking responsibility for your behaviors, thoughts, and words. I am proud of you for that. Here are the answers to your questions:

Stopping your old behavior won't be instant, but if you tell your partner what you told me, and let him know you see the need for change, and are working on it, he might be patient enough to hang in there with you. If he does still care enough to give you a chance, and he then sees that you are changing, that should be enough to keep him involved. Because you need to change your patterns in relationship to him, I don't think leaving would help.

Yes, I know it's possible to successfully establish and maintain new patterns in a relationship. I see it every day in my counseling practice. Each of you has overcome other bad habits in life, and learned new behaviors. You can do this, too. Often, the reason we keep doing what doesn't work is that we don't have a clue what will work better.  The realization that you need to change is the most important part.  Now that you're getting a clue, you'll see that the new behaviors work well enough to be self-motivating.

You are wise to consider that your self-improvement will actually end the relationship; it's all a normal part of change, and part of the rocky road you go through to create lasting change. Yes, this relationship might not survive the change process, and it's even possible that as you make changes, you'll start to see his involvement in the "sabotage:"  damaging a relationship takes two. Whatever happens, you're telling me that this relationship is damaged and not likely to last as it is, so it will either improve or end. Even if it ends, you'll have learned much better relating skills and techniques, and improved your relationship with yourself (which is what your relationship with anyone else is based on) so all future relationships will work better. That means, if this doesn't work out, you'll be better equipped to find the right partner and develop a healthy relationship. Doing this work means you can't lose -- the outcome is always better.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together  will teach you and your partner the skills you need to be happy together.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance on The Colors of You

Dr Romance writes:

As life develops, many of us have an urge to focus on the deeper issues: our dreams and goals, and our emotional and spiritual development.  When this happens, life gradually becomes more about meaning and satisfaction and less about obligations and accomplishments.  As you mature, you can focus on living the life you always wanted to live, tempered by the wisdom you have gained through your experiences. Up to this point, your life may have been centered around other peoples’ wants, and  the demands of work, home and family, and while those  responsibilities continue, this is the time to bring your personal dreams into reality.   It’s time to consider what you want to do for yourself.

You have learned many things about yourself throughout your life.  You know how you deal with success, with work, with financial decisions, with family, friends and with your relationships.  But how much attention have you paid to your relationship with yourself?  To make your dreams come true, you must turn within to discover what will make you happy.

To me, this deeper look at life is like moving from black and white to color: as when Dorothy steps out of the house after the tornado, and finds she’s in Munchkinland.  Suddenly, everything is brighter, more beautiful, and even a little strange.

This new palette of more colors, deeper responses to life, and more intimate knowledge of yourself gives you an opportunity to re-create yourself, to  be and do all the things you’ve always dreamed of.  If you allow yourself to dream, to aspire, you will begin to plan, and once you have a plan, you can begin taking steps to make it real.  Using our limited time on the planet for a purpose: to create something that is unique, special, and feels good to us is both exciting and satisfying.

Whether you've always wanted to heal the planet or just have time to walk in the woods, you don’t have to wait to do it.  You don't have forever on this planet, and you need to take advantage of your energy, wisdom, enthusiasm and vitality while you still have them.  Perhaps you want to learn to live more simply, or to get politically active; whatever your dream, simple or complex, if you allow it to emerge, you can find the strength and skills to actualize it.

As a child in Sunday School, you may have been taught “What I am is God’s gift to me, what I become is my Gift to God.” Think of yourself and your life as a gift you are giving.  As a result of your life experience you have become a marvelous package of talents and skills: these talents and skills are your gift. The skills you already possess may be enough to actualize your dream, and make the changes you want to make.  Learning to think positively about who you are, and therefore make the best of each of your traits and talents, will enable you to operate at your most powerful, and to be truly satisfied with the results.  Your talents, skills and wisdom are some of the many colors of you.

You may have always thought you were too quiet, or too talkative, too aggressive or too passive-- but what happens if you reevaluate “too quiet” to mean that you’re a good listener, or “too talkative” to mean you are an excellent communicator?  Traits you perceive as too aggressive can be considered leadership qualities, and “too passive” traits can mean you’re an excellent support or follow-up person.  When you think of personality traits as distinct colors in a palette you realize that each of the colors can be useful in the right circumstance.  Your favorite color may be blue, your least favorite orange, but you’ll find you can’t paint the sunset over the ocean without both.  You can stop looking at your character traits as “good “ or “bad,” but begin to evaluate them as tools you can use, or different colors for painting.  Now is the time to discover the colors of your own personal palette. From The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: he starts hollering and goes out of control

Dear Dr. Romance:

I hope you can be of help to me. My husband and I will be celebrating our 23rd anniversary next week - this is a 2nd marriage for both of us. I was widowed after 10 yrs of marriage and he was divorced after 10 yrs of marriage. All our children are grown and out of the house. The problem is; lately his controlling seems to have caught up to me - (didn't bother me as much in the past and tolerated it to "keep peace"). Recently, however, something came over me and I have decided that some changes have to take place. (me, as well, I guess) HE is a hollera! When I do not agree with him, or respond in the manner in which he expects, he starts hollering and goes out of control; usually walking away and eventually leaving the room entirely. Cannot DISCUSS anything calmly (that involves him and me). I typically feel that if I disagree w/him on most anything, he will be angered or at the least "bothered". Any thoughts or suggestions?

Dear Reader:

Unfortunately, you've aided and abetted this temper-tantrum thrower for 23 years, so changing now is still possible, but not easy.  the best thing for you to do is to get therapy for yourself, the therapist will coach you in how to modify his behavior. Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed will teach you to how to respond more effectively to your husband and kids.   "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" and "How Not to Fight"  for tools to make changes in your marriage.  Try discussing things with him via notes or e-mail, so he can't holler at you when he reads them. Be clear and concise in your writing, and stay calm.  Treat his temper tantrums as you did your children -- be sure they don't get him any result.

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed  can teach you and your husband to work together and stop fighting.

.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: When younger sisters say hurtful things

Dear Dr. Romance

My sister is 2 years younger and not long after my Dad died, I thought we should sit down and talk about things that needed to be done.  She is the executor and took offense, accusing me of getting between her and Dad.  Then, when my Mom got sick, she also got angry at everything I tried to do to help out.

When we were leaving the hospital after Mom's surgery, she lost it and started shouting and talking to me like I was an idiot.  I kept walking out of the hospital to get to the car.  She wanted to walk me to the car and I told her no thanks; didn't want to be anywhere near her. 

Things seem a little better, but we are avoiding each other.  Too bad, because Mom may not live long and it makes me sick knowing that, even though my Mom appreciates my being with her, I am not welcomed.

I am also a breast cancer survivor and the fact that my Mom's second diagnosis came 30 years later is not sitting well with me.  So I am trying to put my needs first and taking care of myself around my sister, but also feel compelled to take care of my Mom. 

Dear Reader:

Many difficult family dynamics emerge when a parent dies.  It can be very scary, because your parents are just before you in line for aging and death, and it's frightening to watch them go. Your sister obviously has some unfinished business: it sounds like she feels competitive with you.  Maybe she thinks that your parents loved you best, which is common with a younger sibling.

Don't let your sister's issues come between you and your mother. It would be very helpful if you and your sister could go for counseling.  The hospital will probably have a referral for grief counseling.  This is your sister's grief talking, and both of you need help dealing with it. 

"Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" will help you understand what's happening. "Mirrors and Teachers" will give you skills for handling interactions with your sister.    It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will explain the family dynamics that you and your sister are reenacting.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I googled him, he has a criminal record

Dear Dr. Romance:

A year ago I broke up with a guy who then stalked me.  I finally got rid of him, and then I found out he had a criminal record. I googled him, and found out he lives just a few miles away.  and he is currently in jail for four separate DUIs, resisting arrest, reckless driving, and probation violation! Bail has been denied. Needless to say, there is not a shred of doubt left in my mind that I did the right thing by cutting and running as soon as things started getting weird.

I am very upset that he is still, a year later, living so close. He probably won't come to my town, because he has outstanding warrants  here, but I can't be sure.  How can I keep myself safe? 

Dear Reader: 

I'm so glad you got out of that relationship. Googling is instructive, isn't it? Everyone should do it with anyone they've just met, and know nothing about. You may have gotten a restraining or protection order when you first broke up the relationship. If you did not, get one now. Ask your local police department what the procedure is in your community. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800)799-SAFE (7233) They will answer any questions you have about keeping yourself safe, and your call is confidential. Also, tell all your friends, family and neighbors to be aware of the problem. If you have a picture of this guy, show it to everyone, and tell them to call the police if he shows up anywhere near your home or work. If you have a protection or restraining order, he is breaking the law just by being too close to your home or work, so the police will take him in. Also, be sure they know he has outstanding warrants, it's another reason to arrest him.   "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship" will give you more details about how to be safe. 

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you the tools and information you need to understand how to find a date who can be a good partner. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on: Your Internal Weather System

Dr. Romance writes: The minute the weather gets a little hotter or colder or even foggier than usual, people in Southern California love to complain.  You could almost say we’re so used to mild conditions that we become afraid of what others would call “real” weather – we've become weather wimps. But there's another kind of weather that many people everywhere are wimpy about:  Internal weather.

Being afraid, ashamed of, or embarrassed by your feelings is like being afraid of the weather, because emotions (tears, panic attacks, angry outbursts, withdrawal, depression, elation, lust, romantic excitement, euphoria) are the weather conditions of the inner self.

Certainly there are weather conditions that are fearsome, such as hurricanes, earthquakes, floods, exploding volcanoes and fierce fires, and we need to control these if we can, and protect ourselves from them. But, like the weather, most emotional climate conditions are pretty mild. My clients have found it very helpful to use the metaphors of weather to understand how natural and normal all feelings are. Here are my thoughts on the basics of emotional weather. I’d love to hear your ideas and reactions.

Sunshine

Your smile lights up your face the way the sun lights our day. Smiles can come from behind clouds or after emotional storms. The smile signals that all is well, pressure is equalized and the coast is clear to be out and open and have some fun.

Rain

Like rain, tears can be stormy or just a light sprinkle, and feel angry, cold, dreary and sad, or even come through the sunshine. Rain often follows a change of weather pressure, and tears can be the result of release of inner tension. People frequently cry from relief that they've been heard or that they can see a solution where there appeared to be a problem. Those who suffer from a trauma or a loss normally cry a little after the first shock of finding out, as the awful pressure of the news is absorbed and the grief sets in. Rain first carries with it the dust suspended in the air, and then washes everything clean as it continues. Emotional rain, too, can first be painful, and then begin to bring release and clarity. A "good cry" is one that really lets go of the held feelings and continues until relief sets in.

Rainbows

When you allow the tears to flow until your natural smile returns, you will feel hopeful again -- hope is the rainbow of our internal climate. Like a rainbow, hope doesn't exist until the conditions are right -- after there has been a disappointment, and the disappointment has been accepted completely enough to let the sun shine once more. That smile, coming thorough sadness, brings with it a renewed feeling of hope.

Storms

Sometimes reluctance to express unhappiness or discomfort builds pressure that eventually releases in a rush, like a storm. Violent storms shake things up, just as strong anger does. Anger that is allowed to get out of control is as destructive as a hurricane, but anger that is expressed in healthy ways can "clear the air" just as a storm does. The aftermath of a healthy, not too violent storm allows us to appreciate the pleasures of calmness.

Cloudiness and fog

Emotionally, things are not always very clear. It’s normal to feel foggy and unsure, or depressed and dark from time to time. If you can remember it's just your emotional climate, and explore it to discover the cause, the fog will lift, the clouds will part, it may rain or storm a little, but the sun will eventually come out again. Normal depression that is not allowed to take its natural course, not opened up to let the fresh air in, can turn into emotional smog, or internal pollution.

Smog

Emotional smog, like the weather kind, is just the normal cloudy/foggy conditions with man-made junk added. We call it clinical depression. Everyone is down from time to time, but those who attack themselves when down, or have others around who pollute their internal atmosphere with criticism or shaming, become smog-bound, and can't clear up their internal atmosphere. Letting in the fresh air of interest and the warmth of emotional support allows the fog to lift, and the sun to come out again.

Internal Weather Report

If you try paying the same amount of daily attention to your internal conditions as you probably do to the weather report, and begin to regard your feelings as naturally as weather, you'll become much more emotionally comfortable. Like weather, your feelings are easier to accept and live with when you manage them, respond to them and don't try to resist them or deny them. If you understand your feelings as weather, you can have many lovely inner days.

Your sixth sense

Human attributes, we are taught, include five senses: sight, sound, taste, touch and smell. Only in science fiction do we read about a sixth sense, which is usually depicted as a psychic sense. If you think about it, however, your emotions are your real “sixth sense.” Just like your other five senses, your emotions register data about the external world. With your sight, your eyes take in data about colors, shapes and relative sizes of the things in the world around us. Touch tells us how things feel, how warm, cold, soft, hard, sharp or smooth they are. Your emotions tell you what others’ feelings are. We can sense, in an almost psychic way, how someone feels at a distance, without being told.

By comparing what our other senses tell us about others (smiles, frowns, tension, “prickly vibes,” relaxed breathing and an indescribable type of data we call empathy) with what we know about our own inner feelings, we draw conclusions about what other people are feeling. Without being told, we know when someone is angry, when someone has strong positive or negative feelings toward us, and when we are loved. With conscientious practice, people can improve their use of senses, such as being a wine taster, reading braille, refining your sense of color as an artist, or learning to tell different fabrics by texture. Certain people, such as psychotherapists and actors, practice and refine emotions until they can sense very small changes.

As a psychotherapist, I “read” my clients’ emotions and give them feedback to help them sort out emotional confusion. “You say you’re fine, but you appear to be angry,” I might say to someone who is disconnected from his feelings.

Sight is an external sense – we only see what’s outside us. Touch, however, is both internal and external. We can feel food go down our gullet, on occasion we can feel our own heartbeat, and we can feel muscle cramps and movement from inside the body.

Emotions are a sense that is simultaneously internal and external. To our emotions, it’s as if there’s no limit to our bodies, and our skin is transparent. We feel our feelings on the inside, and yet they reach out and touch people and tell us what they’re feeling, too. It is a type of psychic sense, especially to people who develop it. Just as your sight helps you navigate the roads, avoid obstacles, and choose the best route, your emotions are the sense that help you navigate the paths of relationships. If you are knowledgeable about your feelings, and your sensitivity to others’ feelings, you can be much more effective in all your relationships, maximizing your love, your intimacy, your emotional well-being, and your happiness.

Practicing emotion

You can refine and sensitize yourself to your feelings by “tracking” what you are feeling on a daily basis: Just stop a few times each day and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” Once you get comfortable with that, you can spend some time people watching, and guess what they might be feeling. You won’t know if you’ve guessed right unless you ask, but just practicing paying attention will sharpen your skills. (from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction ) © 2015 Tina B. Tessina

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I just missed her so much that I didn't know what to do.

Dear Dr. Romance

I am 36 and a single dad. For the first time I have met someone who I feel I could spend the rest of my life with. We were together for two months and I know she felt the same way, we both felt like best friends right away, she is also a single parent. Everything was incredible for weeks, us together and with the children. she is going through a divorce, she put a hold on the relationship, said she needed space, The fact that she's going through this divorce which took a nasty turn and also her son started to have lots of problems because his dad stopped coming around and his dad also threatened her if she is seeing anyone he would take her for custody.

I have been alone for a few years. This has gone on for 2 months now and I haven't seen her once. I feel devastated, so much so that I have done the opposite of what she has asked. I have texted emailed and sent letters telling her how much I care about her and miss her so much that it has pushed her away. She said she feels disrespected because I didn't give her and her son time to balance their lives before moving forward in a relationship. She's right but I just missed her so much that I didn't know what to do. She has been in abusive relationships and I am not that way I can't believe she cannot see its just because I miss her so much. I know she is being honest , she is a great person, very honest very involved with the church, she said she had second thoughts of being with a man who couldn't respect that she had to get her life together first. It was very hard being in middle of falling in love and then not seeing them for two months. What do i do?

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you're having trouble.  However, I can see why your lady friend is afraid of you.  You only considered how you were feeling, not what your e-mail avalanche would feel like to her.  You have some growing up to do, and you need a life. She has already had a man with impulse control problems, so you frightened her by being out of control.   You need friends and support, not just a partner.  I suggest you pour your energy into your own family, and get involved in some group activities. Try joining the PTA: it would be good for your own children, and you would be able to make friends.  There you can learn from other women how they would like to be treated.

Leave your lady friend alone.  Give her the space she needs. The Tennis Match: How to Balance the Power in Your Relationship will show you how to begin creating equality in your relationship. If you haven't frightened her too much, she'll be back when she gets her own life sorted out.  In the meantime, take a good, hard look at yourself, and start handling your own problems.  You can learn how to control your impulses in It Ends With You: Grow Up and  Out of Dysfunction and how to treat a woman you're dating in Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today It has a whole chapter on dating as a single parent.

         

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My son is having a substance abuse problem

Dear Dr. Romance:

My son is having a substance abuse problem.  It surfaced a few months ago, he promised to stop, and I just caught him using it again.  He just turned 18.  What can I do to help him?

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your son.   If he wants help, counseling and treatment can help him.  But the fact that he promised to stop and then you had to catch him again probably means he's not going to stop willingly.  Dealing with an addiction problem is tricky.  It turns things upside down.  What you think of as good parenting and helping behavior may make the problem worse. Why don't you make an appointment for yourself, so a therapist can get a clear picture of the whole situation, and you can find out what's going to be necessary on your part to get him to admit he's got a problem. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find  the right therapist. "To Help an Addicted Friend" will help you help your son.
 
If you can, get him right into Ala -Teen, and have him get a sponsor.  If that is sufficient, good.   If he needs a rehab program, the 12 step program and your family therapist will help you figure it out.  The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs will help you and your son understand the roots of addiction, why it is such a difficult problem, and how to heal it.  

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't want to bug her a lot and give her anxiety.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I need some advice about this person I have been having a crush on lately. So far, our friendship has been quite okay. I recently texted her a week ago and we seem to be okay. She is doing fine and I also been calling her. She exchanged numbers with me when she couldn't get access to her laptop computer at the University. I've call her two weeks ago and we talked until I had to go to class. Then I called in the middle of the night and we talked, and she told me that she was upset with her landlord and she got kind of frustrated. When is the best time to call her on the phone or e-mail her? I don't e-mail her too  much but I haven't been e-mailing her since about a month ago. Should I call her for another 3 days or a week? I don't want to bug her a lot and give her anxiety.

Dear Reader:

I think you've already annoyed her or made her anxious.  From now on, use a more balanced approach. "The Tennis Match" will help you understand how to find a rhythm with this girl or anyone else you want to get to know.  Every time you call her, don't call again until you get a return call from her.  That's the only way to make sure you're not being too pushy and keep the relationship from being one-sided.  Don't keep calling or  texting if she's not calling you back.  "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"  will give you a better idea of how to relate to a date, and how to find someone else if this doesn't work out. "Getting to Yes" will show you how to have a successful conversation.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today contains the steps, examples and exercises you need to find love.

   

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on The State of the Union Meeting

Dr Romance recommends couples increase their mutual respect and appreciation by having a regular "State of the Union" meeting. Here are two simple techniques you can use in all kinds of relationships: couples, families, even work partners and friends, to enhance your cooperation, tolerance and rationality, and to defuse conflict as soon as it arises.

Whether you are single, dating, married or have a family of your own, having a regular weekly meeting date to discuss the state of the relationship will make a tremendous difference in the emotional tenor of the relationship. If you’re blending a family from previous situations, you’ll find it makes a huge difference in your success.

When you have a regular chance to talk about what’s going on in the relationship, problems, resentment and frustration don’t get a chance to build. If you have children, every member of your family has a right to have his or her opinions respected. You don’t have to agree or go along with what your child or spouse wants, but you should at least know what it is, and your child should know why you’re overriding his or her preferences. Regular couple or family meetings, where everyone including the children expresses feelings, negative and positive, and all of you work together to solve problems, can help a lot.

Begin couple or family meetings as early in the relationship as possible, whether you think you have any issues to discuss or not. If you set a pattern of doing this early in a relationship, it will be easy to expand the group to include children if you have them. For relationships and families that are already established, it might feel a bit awkward to begin the meetings at first, but if you follow the steps below, everyone will soon experience the value of having an appropriate time and place to talk about issues and plans. Once everyone becomes familiar with the process, the formality of the meeting will relax, problems will be minor, and the couple or whole family can use the time for bonding, sharing stories and experiences, and creating quality time together.

Sit down on a weekly basis with your partner or family, and discuss everything about your relationship, positive and problematic, and how it’s going for each of you. If you have small children, include them and get their input, also. Choose a time when everyone can get together weekly, and suggest to everyone that you order pizza, or cook something together.

Begin the session with a brief prayer or blessing, and a round of complements, where each member gives a complement to every other member ‘ this creates a positive atmosphere.

At the meeting, each person present can follow these steps:

1. Gratitude: Each person states a positive thing about each person in the family, preferably something that has happened this week. For example, "I really appreciate how much you helped me this week when you knew I had a deadline at work." Or, "I noticed that you made a big effort to keep the kitchen clean." Or, "Thank you for your sense of humor. It really helps when you make me laugh when I’m getting too serious." Be sure to thank the person after praising them. If you follow a religious tradition, you can open the meeting by giving thanks in the manner of your faith.

2. Improvements: Each person then mentions one thing they want to improve, and what they want to do to make it better. Small children will need help until they understand, but they will catch on quickly. Even you and one child can do this. The rule is that, in order to bring up a complaint, you must have a suggestion for a solution, even if you don’t think it’s the best possible solution.

3. Problem Solving: If anyone has a problem to solve, he or she can describes it, and then asks for help from the group to solve it. Everyone can work together to come up with a solution. Be careful not to allow the description of the problem to deteriorate into criticism and complaining. To state a problem use matter_of_fact terms, and use I messages: "I get discouraged and frustrated when the house gets messy." "We need to come up with some money to fix the car." "I have a problem at school." "I need help figuring out how not to fight with Susie anymore".

This simple meeting will do more for the state of your intimate or family relationship than you can imagine. If you deal with them early, and approach them with a team spirit of solving them together, most problems can be solved before they become disasters.

These meetings will accomplish a great deal, and can change the nature of what I call your ‘relationship reservoir:’ Every relationship (including family, friends and parent/child relationships) has what I call the "relationship reservoir." 

Every relationship (including those with family, friends and between parents and children) has what I call the "relationship reservoir". Over the course of your relationship, the interaction between you ‘ every kind or unkind word, every gesture of support or criticism, every honest or dishonest interaction between you, every gesture of affection or coldness, add up over the time you spend together.

If you fill your reservoir with good feelings, forgiveness, support, honesty, appreciation, caring, affection, emotional intimacy (and sexual intimacy where appropriate,) you build up a backlog of good will and affection ‘ your memories will be warm and mutually admiring.

If you fill it with coldness, criticism, ingratitude, dishonesty, demands, and dissatisfaction, you’ll have a reservoir of resentment and disdain.

Each time your relationship makes demands on you as a result of major problems, separations, disagreements, illnesses, and stress, you will draw on your relationship reservoir. If you have built up a supply of good feelings and goodwill with your daily interaction, you’ll cheerfully give what’s asked of you. If not, whatever’s asked will seem like too much to give.

I wish you a reservoir overflowing with warmth and good feelings – the true guarantee of a lasting relationship.

These tips are from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: We have had constant fights over little things

Dear Dr. Romance:

Last week my husband and I had an argument over something so small like not getting up to give our kid his medicine. Just because I didn't get up he started calling me names and he pushed  me from the bed.  Currently, we decided we needed time apart so we came on  an agreement that I would leave to my mothers house for some weeks.  We  have had constant fights over little things and also things like our attitudes  and our high pride. We were already thinking of heading towards divorce after 2 years, but we came to an agreement that maybe there is hope for us and  marriage therapy can help us save our marriage and keep our family  together.  We have 2 kids 6 mos. and 1 1/2 . We love each other but we need  help.  We really want to save our marriage for us and our kids.  

Dear Reader:

Thanks for writing. I'm glad you and your husband have decided to try and grow up, and work it out. Divorce won't really separate you, you'd still be tied together by the kids.   It would be a tragedy for your children if you kept on fighting like second graders, and worse if you divorced. A good therapist or counselor can help you fix the problems.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find someone suitable.  In the meantime, both of you can follow the steps in "Asking for What You Want" and "How Not to Fight" to minimize your fighting. Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed  will show you how to work with each other to solve problems instead of fighting.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: The most traumatic experience of my entire life

Dear Dr. Romance:

Recently I have been trying to cope with the most traumatic experience of my entire life.  I am a grandmother and homemaker who has been deserted by my spouse and left both homeless and penniless.  (I am staying at the home of a friend now.)  After weeks of endless thinking and rethinking, hashing and rehashing, nighttime episodes of imagined revenge, obsessing constantly over all the 'wrongs' done to me, I woke up this morning angry with myself.  I thought, "What is wrong with me that I give so little thought to myself and spend so much time thinking about 'him'.  It is obvious that he cares nothing for me and is probably not thinking about me in any way. Yet I am preoccupied with obsessive thoughts regarding him in some way."

  With that in mind, I used my search engine and located your website.  Thank you for posting "Learning Forgiveness" for it helped me see some aspects of this that I hadn't recognized.  My life was spun out of control by the actions of another person.  My self-esteem was damaged as his actions also incorporated adultery with a family member.  After 15 years of marriage to a man that had problems but was always a very nice person, I have been stunned by his anger, the ugliness of his behavior, his callousness, his deceitfulness (always had this problem) and his apparent blindness to many things that he was cognizant of prior to this event. 

You helped me see that it is the nastiness in his own mind that is the problem, not me. What bothers me most is that I just can't seem to pick myself up and shake this whole thing off.  I know that I am in severe depression but I also believe in self-talk and personal motivation.  I should try to get a job but I am frozen.  I should try to go forward in my thinking but I keep going backwards.  I rehash everything about our marriage looking for clues to uncover his mask as if that knowledge will somehow change things for me today.  I have terrible images of revenge and am constantly shocked by the intensity of my mental creations.  Though I know I would never act upon such things, I also am overpowered by the apparent pleasure these images give me.  A friend suggested playing Christian music when I start to do this and, yes, this does help.  It's kind of hard to think about revenge upon someone when there's somebody in the background singing about love and salvation.

I am going to print your article out and keep it handy for awhile. There is so much helpful information in this writing.  Again, I'm so glad I found it...and thank you. 

Dear Reader:

Thanks for writing.  I'm so glad my article helped you.  And, I can see why you're devastated.  My guess is, your former spouse is narcissistic.  His whole world revolves around himself, and there's no room to care about you or anyone else.  Your friend's suggestion is a good one, and also try the "How To Write A Love Letter" article on my site, It will help you deal with your (understandable) anger, resentment and hurt.

One thing that might help you is to allow yourself a certain time each day to be angry, revengeful, miserable, etc. and then stop for the day: get on with being busy, like finding a job.  You can also try going to an Al-Anon group.  Even if your husband wasn't an alcoholic, most active alcoholics act like narcissists, so you'll find familiar stories in the group, and good information about how to get your life moving again.  You don't say if you ever had a job, and if you haven't, part of the paralysis may lie in not knowing what kind of work you want to do.  If this is the case, take a look at what you're good at, such as homemaking skills, child care, cooking, gardening, or even work you've done with community groups. List the skills you have, and when you see them on paper, appropriate job ideas will suggest themselves.

There's no way you should be homeless OR penniless.  I hope you have a lawyer: don't try to be nice about this, get someone tough to fight for you.  You'll also find The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty   very helpful as you rebuild a better life from the ashes of this one.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I am surrounded by negative people and thoughts

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am writing because I am surrounded by negative people and thoughts, including my family.  I have no support structure. I hide from neighbors so people won't ask questions.  During the day I am on the computer being as proactive as I can. 

My question is I have a very hard time being positive, my self esteem is low and confidence level too.  When I date, men notice it and it can be a turn-off.  I don't have the "I can get this" type of attitude.  Change is not easy and it doesn't come over night but are there any books you can recommend or tapes I can listen to?

I am on the Internet trying to find someone special to marry someday.  I am 48, never married and no children. I am supposedly going to meet someone this weekend. I got sick last weekend so I had to reschedule and we chat online a little bit.  I never had the pleasure of enjoying a good relationship much less a good sex life and I would like that too.  Thank you in advance.  I look forward to hearing from you.  

Dear Reader:

Yes, if your original family and old friends are bringing you down, it's a good idea to keep your distance until you are strong enough in self-esteem to see that their negativity is their problem, and has nothing to do with you. Your worst enemy, however, is probably yourself. If you listen to your self-talk, you'll realize that you're being as negative toward yourself as your family is. This is the basis of your low self-esteem.  The good news is you're not stuck, you can fix it.  "Mirrors and Teachers"   and "Coping with Critics" will help you handle difficult people, "Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude" will help you change your outlook, and "Your Primary Relationship" will help you improve your relationship with your self - the model for all your other relationships. 

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction has the exercises and information you need to improve your self-esteem, and understand and counteract your family dysfunction.

For help in finding a relationship, Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you steps to follow to success.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Coping with Critics

 

Dr. Romance writes:

No one likes to be criticized, fairly or not.  It’s always difficult to deal with, and it can hurt.  Because I’m a writer of books and columns, and because I’ve lectured, appeared on radio and TV, I am sometimes recognized in public.  I’m glad I’m not more recognizable, for along with the lovely feedback, gratitude and complements I get from many people, others feel compelled to criticize, often in a mean way, and often without having even read whatever book or column they’re criticizing. So,  I’ve been forced to learn to deal with negative comments, even when they’re mean-spirited, and intended to hurt me.  Because we all get criticized from time to time,  you may find the following ideas helpful.

 

Whether criticism is intended to be helpful or harmful, you can use it positively.  Evaluate the critic: is it a good friend, a kind person, a mentor?  Criticism from any of these is likely to be constructive, and you can probably trust it and learn from it.  Is the criticism from a competitive rival?  Then use its mirror image: it's probably something powerful about you that threatens the rival.  Is it from a lover or intimate person?  Then it can hurt a lot, because intimates know where your soft spots are; and they often project their own fears onto you.  Whatever the source of the criticism, ignore it for a few hours or a day, until the sting has subsided, and then evaluate its usefulness to you.  If a trusted mentor is offering constructive criticism, it may be a great gift to you, once you have absorbed it.  Stretch yourself a bit, and look at the comment from an objective viewpoint, and see how much truth you think it holds.  Above all, be true to yourself, and know that your own good opinion of yourself is most valuable if it is based on truth.

 

There are a few things you can do to help the criticism "roll off your back."  First, use a sense of humor:  if you can come up with a clever funny remark that diffuses the criticism, that is always the most effective way to disarm it.  Second, give an "adult time out" to anyone who is negative and critical:  emotionally retreat into politeness.  Be very pleasant, but distant: say "Yes, please" "No, thank you" and respond politely to any request, but don't share any personal information.  This usually causes a negative person to snap out of it. Third, ignore any negative thing that is said:  just treat it as if it didn't happen.  In this way, you don't reward it, and the other person will eventually stop.

 

Don't try to motivate yourself with criticism.   You can be self-critical because you don't realize the consequences. If you're critical of a friend or loved one, they will be angry at you, and perhaps leave, but most of us don't realize how self-critical we are, and how much it damages our lives, so we continue to harp on ourselves.  Also, if you were around a parent who was very critical when you were a child, it will feel "normal" to you, and you won't realize how it really sounds.   Self-criticism damages your quality of life in several ways: it eats away at your self-esteem, which can make you needy in relationships and keep others from getting close. It also leads to excess spending, drinking, eating, etc. in an attempt to feel better.

 

Overpowering yourself with internal criticism or external coercion makes you feel oppressed and rebellious.  The intimidation and pressure eventually leads to paralysis and procrastination. In my experience with myself and my clients,  the only kind of motivation that works permanently grows out of celebration and appreciation. It's easy to remember in equation form: celebration + appreciation = motivation   When you find a way to appreciate yourself for what you've already accomplished, and to celebrate your previous successes, you will find you are naturally motivated to accomplish more.  No struggle, no hassle: you accomplish out of the pure joy of success!

 

Guidelines for learning self-appreciation

To become proficient in self-appreciation, try the following suggestions:

 

            Make a note: Write positive comments on your daily calendar to yourself for jobs well done or any achievements you want to celebrate.  Or you can paste stickers on your daily calendar as you accomplish goals daily  frequent positive commentary  is a very effective way to reward yourself and remind yourself of your success.

 

            Look to your childhood: Use activities that felt like a celebration in your childhood: did your family toast a celebration  with champagne or sparkling cider, a gathering of friends, or a thankful prayer? Create a celebration environment: use balloons, music, flowers, candles, or set your  table with the best china. Use the exercise on your family style in chapter two to find ideas.

 

            Visible reminders: Surround yourself with visible evidence of your successes. Plant a commemorative rosebush or get a new houseplant to mark a job well done, or display photos of fun events, and sports or hobby trophies.  It's a constant reminder that you appreciate yourself and when you see them daily, you'll feel the appreciation.

 

            Reward yourself:  A new trashy romance novel or detective thriller can be a great reward/celebration for reading your required technical books.

 

             Party!: Celebrate a cherished friendship with an impromptu lunchtime picnic and a balloon. Or with tickets to a ball game. (adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction)

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm no closer to meeting the one for me than I was 15 years ago

Dear Dr. Romance:

I just read your post to the 'nice guy' who asked for advice why he keeps getting passed over for the 'bad boy' types,  and he was 100% right in saying women consistently say they're looking for a 'nice guy'.

I'm in the same position.  I'm 35 years old and I've had this happen to me my entire dating life.  You and everyone else claims 'that as soon as you're clear about the kind of woman and relationship you want, she will appear, like magic' but I'm no closer to meeting the one for me than I was 15 years ago.  I'm really starting to lose hope I'm ever going to meet anyone.

Dear Reader:

I'm curious as to where you're looking.  Online only?  Then, maybe your profile needs some changes.   I'm a big advocate of the "get a life" method of meeting people: meeting them doing things that are important and valuable to you; not just going on a blind search.  When join shared activities with people you enjoy and respect the odds improve that your connections will introduce you to like-minded people, with whom you're likely to have something in common.  This person will probably have already been 'vetted' (checked out for character flaws) by your friend or family member. Even if you don't fall in love, you may make a great new  friend.   

If you meet people through a group activity that you value or enjoy, you'll automatically have things in common, and you get the added bonus of seeing the person interact with the other people in the group.  You don't have to declare your interest  until you have evidence of the personality characteristics of your target -- and you will probably have a chance to sense mutual interest before you declare, which reduces the likelihood of being rejected.  Meeting people through group activities is especially good for nice guys like you -- women get to see what a good guy you are.  And your personality gets a chance to shine through.  for more on the "Get a Life" method of dating, see the articles "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"  and "Where is Love?" which will help you find the most effective way to meet someone you can love.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you figure out how to understand what the women you meet want.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I do not want to be alone the rest of my life

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I like what I have seen on your tips for happiness. I am in my late 60s, a Christian and twice divorced.   This past January, I met a wonderful Christian woman, also divorced after 20 years of marriage. She is a Labor and Delivery Nurse who has traveled the world helping starving children. She now works in the US.  When we met there was a tremendous spark. She immediately asked me to marry her, and I   said "Yes, by all means I will marry you." We live in different states. She recently has been to visit me, and met my two wonderful, happily married adult daughters, and I have been to visit her and meet her three happily married adult daughters. My daughters are elated I have found someone I admire and love so much. However, her one youngest daughter and one son-in-law, have been very toxic to our being together. They have 7 kids and little or no income, so my Love has been financially supporting them. I love her a lot, but realize I may have to move on.

Last week I sent her a plant, and she immediately called me, with a genuine; "I love you!" However, the next night she emailed me, saying; "She thought I was trying to get her to choose between her family and me, and she was angry about that fact, and she did not like feeling that way!" Ever since she has been silent, and I have not initiated any telephone calls to her. I want to, but feel at this time, I need to be patient. I long to call her, but I am afraid to. She is the most incredible nurturing Christian woman I have ever met, and I would like to spend the rest of my life with her. I do not want to be alone the rest of my love. The chemistry was very good, however I know too, how blinding lust can be.

Our weakest area, in my opinion, is our lack of basic compatibility. I am an above average outdoorsman. There is not much about the outdoors I do not know. She is not outdoorsy. If there is one thing I have learned in my life, it's not to try to change or fix anyone. I was far too controlling in my first marriage. I am financially independent and comfortable.  I have more inner peace than I have ever known, but I am very alone, and long to be with the right woman. My question to you is;....do you think I should move on, wait to see what my recent love does, or what? I love the gal beyond words, and I would be proud to give her my whole self, but it needs to be two ways, and come from her, now that her family has tried to tear us apart. Let me know what you think please. I appreciate your advice.

Dear Reader:

If you love this woman, it's not a good idea to set yourself up against her family. Why don't you slow down a little bit. I'll bet there's enough of her to go around, and the children will come around after a time if you make their mom happy. Keep your money separate: let her support her kids any way she wants to, and just enjoy being with her. If her children are taking advantage of her, she'll have to figure that out for herself. At the point that you get married, if that happens, you can each have a living trust that will guarantee that her money goes to her kids, and yours goes where you want it to go. That will calm everyone down. 

Stop thinking of her children as problems.  It's only true if you make it true. Concentrate on being with her, enjoying her, spending time with her, and treating her like the treasure you say she is. Don't bad-mouth her children, even if they say bad things about you. As a Christian, you'll understand the wisdom of that. I don't blame her children for being startled by the speed of your relationship. No one can know it's real when it happens that fast, although, after time, it may turn out to be. Slow down, do the right thing, and stop looking for enemies. If you live in different states, you have a lot of decisions to make, and so does she. All of it will take time. If you just relax and wait a while, I think you have a good chance of working this out. Read my article "Stop Reacting and Start Relating"  and "Mirrors and Teachers" . You may also find my book How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together helpful.  Best of luck to you.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I just want to bring joy and spice in their life

Dear Dr. Romance:  
   
As I am approaching middle age, my kids are graduating from high school,   I am a single woman, kept a youthful image, found myself many times attractive to older married men, I have been saying no, but now I feel free to say yes. I don't need anything from the men, I just want to bring joy and spice in their life and I enjoy the experience also.  What's your opinion on this personal choice and what do I need to be aware of the downside?
   
Since I am single and attractive (from my friends feedback) I am looking for a long term mate/partner in my industry.  However, somehow I am not successful attracting those  professionals who I really want to establish the relationship.  For example, I attend professional functions either formal or informal, from 100-500 people. I would expect men approach me for an invitation for coffee. Most of time, I get none. Sometimes I get one or two but they don't have the quality I am looking for.
   
I think part of the reason being I am an Asian in the industry (commercial real estate) with majority of Caucasian professional men. 
   
Dear Reader:

I have no problem with your wanting to date men. Your parenting days are drawing to a close, and it's great to enjoy your freedom.

My first question is: are you making eye contact?  I ask because you indicate that you're Asian, and in your culture, eye contact might not come naturally.  Men won't think you're interested if you don't look them in the eye; even from across the room.  If you're just passively waiting for a man to come over, you need to send him an invitation, by looking at him and smiling.  Otherwise, (especially in a business setting) most men would not feel comfortable approaching you. You'll do better if you mingle at the functions you attend.  Find people you know who are talking with others, and join the conversation.   I don't think your race is a problem, but the cultural differences might be sending the wrong messages, or no messages at all. "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"  and "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will give you many pointers for meeting dates, and Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you detailed help in dating.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance: Into Each Life

Dr. Romance writes:

As a parade went by, one of the horses pulling a float entry left a memento in the middle of the road right in front of where we were watching from the sidewalk. From that point on, every band or group that came marching down the road marched bravely on, right through the pile of horse manure. The image struck a chord in me, one that the band was not intentionally playing.

The parade of life does not always go smoothly. Any one of us can be marching along, happily playing our tune, and suddenly be faced with a little mess which is not of our making. Friends can be unkind, intentionally or not, and, as Robert Burns wrote "The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men /Gang aft agley." Those of us who can keep focused on the goal, and march right through, deserve applause.

My mentor, Rev. Denton Roberts often said "You are not responsible for what happens to you, but for your response to it." In other words, you don’t need to feel guilty for problems in your life, but it’s important that you deal with them. When there’s a messy pile in your road, after you get through it, it’s valuable to consider how it got there, what to do about it and how to make sure you don't participate in the creation of new ones. Rather than just dwell on the problem, move your focus to the solution.

Recently, as I was talking to a client, the metaphor of walking through the "road apples" of life came up again. There's no doubt about it, we're going to encounter unpleasant obstacles in our path from time to time. Just because we have to walk through it, doesn't mean it's our fault it's there --but, it is our responsibility to clean off our shoes as soon as we can, and do whatever we can (like getting the parade committee to put a bag under the horse’s butt) to make sure we don't go through it again.

Above all, it's important to remember it's only a little pile. It has an end, it's temporary, and we'll probably survive it. Blaming ourselves or someone else never helped anyone get through it faster, it only makes the slogging more unpleasant. There is nothing to stop us from playing "Hey, Look Me Over" at maximum lung power all the way through. On the other hand, ignoring it won't make it go away, either. Somewhere in there is a fine balance, between letting go and taking responsibility. Pretending that all is well, and the problem is non-existent, or pretending that we don't need the rest of society, or that critical, difficult or angry people will go away by themselves, is foolhardy. Staying in isolation, so we don't encounter hassles, means we’ll miss the parade. When there’s a problem we must slog through it, and then scrape the leavings off our shoes. Like it or not, we must take responsibility for turning our experience around. This means minimizing reaction and maximizing effectiveness. Taking an objective look at where we become part of the problem and where we succeed are part of the solution makes a critical difference in how life goes on.

On the other hand, self-flagellation and blaming won't get us anywhere either. The key really is respect. To have respect for ourselves is the key to getting others to follow suit. I do believe that loving ourselves is the key. I believe that people who love and accept themselves will naturally do what is necessary to create a positive life, From there, it only takes being willing to project it to others.

Redemption

Life is not always easy
It hums along, sweet and low-key
And then the tsunami – real or imagined,
Wipes our smug snugness away.

Devastated by loss, we weep,
We gnash teeth, we grieve, we’re angry

At God, at life, at lack of control.
We regain calm, then lose it, lose it, lose it.
Slowly, slowly, normalcy returns,
Creeping back in like the daily tide.

The dawning of another day, bereft of the old,
But blessed with the new,
First shows itself in the smiling eyes
Of dear friends, still here, still offering love.

Life, after all, is worthwhile
And love and gratitude trump grief.

I wish you minimal piles to slog through, and the patience and courage to keep playing your own special song. © 2022 Tina B. Tessina

From It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I have a crush on this person

Dear Dr. Romance:

I need some advice. I'm a university student and I'm finishing my last semester there and getting a degree in Speech/Communication Studies. I'm also a single mixed-raced person. I worked at a  communication firm as an Intern Coordinator. What I have here is that I'm having trouble communicating with this person I know.  I have a crush on this person who I met in one of my classes last year. She is now a college graduate. I didn't know who she really was and we started talking to each other and I gave her my e-mail address and she e-mailed me back before her last year of school. Then I saw she has a personals ad.   I also have her as a friend on several  social networking websites and I texted and e-mailed her. I also have her number but she told me she is not a phone type person. So I don't know what to do. Could you give me some advice about what should I do about her and what can I say to her. I tried to text her but she doesn't respond back to me.

Dear Reader:

You're working way too hard on this relationship, and you're refusing to take "no" for an answer.  I'm sorry you're disappointed, but she's obviously not interested in you.  It takes two to make a crush turn into a relationship, and you're the only one in this one.  She doesn't want to e-mail you, to talk to you on the phone, or to develop a relationship with you. She's trying to be nice about it, so let go and don't become a stalker.  "Letting Go Takes Love" and "When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships"  will help you understand why a one-sided relationship won't work.  

Force yourself to stop focusing on her, remove her from all your pen pal lists, and look around you.  I'll bet there are lots of fine young women right at your school. You only have one more semester -- don't waste it.  Date a few women, and don't fixate on just one right away. "Dating: The Fine Art of “Squirrel Hunting” " will help you find someone else. You can't force anyone to love you; it has to be voluntary. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you the techniques and information you need to better understand the women you date, and find and create a a healthy relationship.  .

Don't stay stuck in a can't win situation. There's someone out there who will connect with you, and you'll be much happier. And who knows? If she sees you having fun with other women, she might get interested.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My husband does not understand my children

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I am married with a man that is younger than me by 17 years. Right now we are in a bad situation. I have 2 teenage children from prior marriage.  My husband wants to represent my children's father and he does not understand that the children are too old to be molded the way he wants to. He is gone right now because the issues we have with my younger son. I really love him and I don't want to lose him. I don't know what to do.

Dear Reader:

I think you're saying your husband wants to replace your children's father.  You don't say how long you have known him, or if your children had a chance to get to know him before you married him.  At any rate, since he is gone, if he comes back you'll need to start over in a better way.  Before all of you can live together peacefully, you and he must come to an agreement both of you can keep about co-parenting your teenagers.  If you can't agree about that, then the two of you should just be dating and not living together until your boys are grown.  "Dating Guidelines for Single Parents" will show you and your new husband how to set your family up for success.  "The Challenges of Blended Families" will help you understand how.  Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed  will teach you how to work with your current husband to create teamwork in parenting.

 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: the worst nightmare of my life

Dear Dr. Romance:

    It's been months since I wrote to you and received your very excellent advice.  In the meantime I was able to get therapy, and . Since then I have slowly been  recovering from the worst nightmare of my life.

    I want to thank you for the information that my spouse is a narcissistic individual because knowing what is going on with his personality helped me to recover my own sense of well-being.    I just couldn't understand how I missed all the clues regarding this man for so many years.  Now I have begun to see things very clearly.  Obviously he never loved me but in many ways he needed me and relied heavily upon me for whatever was missing in himself. 

I believe he is totally incapable of love and is parasitic in nature. I also have come to the conclusion that people like him must control others but the  passive-aggressive side of him created a covert form of this control. He sabotaged every plan I made. He constantly behaved as if he had no common sense and his work was often laced with ineptitude. He destroyed our property constantly but it always seemed like this happened because of an oversight or procrastination.  He stole money from his job when he knew that the wrokplace had installed a video camera. However, when questioned about that he said that he had forgotten about the video camera and had thought that the workplace had removed it. 

Sabotage, bank fraud, costly mistakes that ruined two of my businesses, and money that just disappeared...his actions kept me in poverty, isolated out in the country away from my family and friends and I realize now that his actions also prevented me from leaving him.  Once he began to realize that my feelings for him had changed and I was considering a divorce, he became extremely cooperative and deceptive. He wasn't going to let me leave him but he planned to get out of the marriage himself and he planned to leave me destitute.  

  My lawyer plans to nail this scoundrel in the courts and to expose him for the type of person he really is.  Again, I want to thank you for the help and advice you gave me during that time of sheer desperation. I hope that some of what I have written about this man can be used in some way to help someone else.  I am reminded of the song by Billy Joel...The Stranger....for that is what I realized I had spent my life with........a cold, calculating stranger.

Dear Reader:

I'm so glad to hear you're taking care of yourself.  I'm rooting for you.  Understand that he really did not remember the video camera, because narcissists can rewrite reality to suit their wish fulfillment. So, he wanted the video camera to not be there, and presto! in his mind, it wasn't.  That's how narcissists mostly get caught.  You can't ignore reality forever -- it comes back and bites you in the butt.  Just remember, all the skills you developed in dealing with him are valuable, and life post-narcissist is much easier than life with him.

 "Getting Out of Your Own Way" and "Your Primary Relationship" will help in building your new life. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will show you how to repair the emotional damage.  Then you'll be ready to find new, healthy love with Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance on You Be The Judge

Dr. Romance writes:

In my therapy practice, I witness a lot of confusion about the proper role of judgement in life and relationships. Often, when I ask clients to analyze whether a person they’re dating has good character, they tell me they don’t want to be judgmental. People in twelve step programs say they don’t want to "take the other person’s inventory." But being judgmental (that is, critical of what others do, what they weigh, how they dress, their education, financial status or ethnic background) is not the same as having judgement or discernment about the character of people who are about to become deeply involved in your life.

Far too many of the relationship disasters that cause clients to come and see me are caused by poor judgement about people. Somehow, clients seem to have taken way too seriously the idea that we aren’t supposed to think badly of people. Instead of using good judgement about whether to allow someone in their lives, they make excuses and feel responsible. Recently, I was talking to a client whose boyfriend has been brutal to her. She would like to move on, but she feels she has to take care of him. A male client has been enduring bad behavior and temper tantrums on the part of his lady friend for years, and still wonders if he can make the relationship work. These cases, and many more like them, require more realistic thinking, evaluation, and yes, judgment, of whether the other person is a good candidate as a partner for building a life and a relationship.

If you want to do rescue work, get a license as a nurse, social worker, emergency medical technician or volunteer to help those who need it. If you do, you’ll find out that these workers are compassionate, yes, but also tough. They see exactly what they’re dealing with, and they do what’s necessary to really help, not to prolong the problem, or bring them into their personal lives. They, too have to use judgement.

Love has a much better chance to be realized if you make some of your choices mentally, as well as by emotional attachment and chemistry. Choose commitments both with the "parent" or judgmental, evaluating, critical thinking method; and the "child" or romantic, turned on, chemistry method. I call this choosing from the neck up, as well as from the neck down. You’ll use better judgment if you think of matchmaking for yourself. You can think like a matchmaker (or a hard-to-please parent), when considering commitment. The dictionary defines judgment as "the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing." Take time out from your excitement and evaluate your match, using the components of judgement: think, observe, evaluate, ask, remember, experiment, speculate and empathize.

* Make sure you’re thinking and not just feeling: don’t let your emotions overrule your careful consideration of whether this is working.* Observe the other person, how you are together, what’s working, what’s not. Pay attention! You’re deciding your future happiness, and you have to gather the facts to make the decision.

* Ask questions out loud, don’t just guess at your partner’s motivation and feelings. The two of you need to be able to discuss your thoughts, feelings, and ideas about the relationship and the partnership decisions you’ll be making. Both of you must be able to listen to each other, and not just react.

* Take some time to evaluate what’s happening in the relationship, does it feel like you’re creating a good future together?

* Remember what’s happened, the good and the bad: don’t gloss over abuse, irresponsible behavior or disrespect. If you think any of those are happening, you must discuss it, and if it doesn’t change, it’s time to leave. Remembering the good things will help you have a balanced idea of the overall value of the relationship.

* Experiment with problem-solving, working through situations where you disagree, trying new things you haven’t done together.

* Speculate, by yourself and together, about how you’d handle some of the situations you’ll face in the future, such as child rearing, finances, illness, big job changes.

* Empathize by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, not just to make excuses, but to really understand what may be going on.

Selecting a partner who is really capable of loving and being responsible in the relationship is more than half the battle. Choosing an immature, irresponsible partner may mean that, no matter what you do, the relationship won’t work. Using judgment, rather than being judgmental, and thinking with your head and not just your heart will help you make a good choice of partner – and there’s nothing more fulfilling than a life of successful partnership and cooperation.

(Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction)

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: my sisters are now calling me 'The Black Widow'

Dear Dr Romance:
Thank you for your article "Age Differences in Dating".  I am a fortysomething woman whose fiancé died in my arms of heart failure three years ago. He was in his late sixties. Then I dated an ex-pro athlete who had a stroke and lost the use of his left side. My concern is that men are taking Viagra and other medications to enhance their sexual performance without checking with their physicians first. Often times these enhancers leave the man impotent or worse. I have to carry these memories around like airport baggage for the rest of my life and my sisters are now calling me 'The Black Widow'.

I want to date younger men because I now have this fear that every man I date will drop dead on me. No, I am not an older woman trying to maintain my youth through dating younger men, I'm just trying to avoid visiting my dates in the hospital. Again, thank you for pointing out an older woman's perspective.

Dear Reader:
I'm sorry for your losses. It would be nice if love followed rules, but I'm afraid it doesn't, and if you're mutually attracted to a younger man, it might work; but you could find yourself mutually attracted to another older man, too.   You might find my article "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" will help you heal and face the future with more hope. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will show you how to create a healthy new relationship when you're ready.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I regret not telling her how I felt

Dear Dr. Romance:
   
I was very attracted to a lady and I did things for her with out asking for any thing in return.   She was single and I fixed her jeep, I put down new linoleum in her kitchen for her, we did go out together for drinks, dinner, dancing, movies as well as other things together.  However, I never did try and kiss her or tell her how I felt or what I wanted.   She broke my heart when she went out with a guy and then told me she really liked him a lot.  I stopped seeing her and as it turned out she married the guy 6 to 8 months later.  I did get an invite to the to her wedding, but I did not go.  I regret not telling her how I felt; but it is hard to talk about my feelings to any one.  I know that I should have but I never did.  Even today 10 yrs later I wonder what happened to her and him.  I know that they moved to a town south of here and bought a new home there after she sold her home here.  And I have not done that for any women since, I felt used by her.  In all the years since then, I have not dated or really found any one that I was that attracted to.

Dear Reader:

You are not alone, there are lots of guys like you, and gals don't really understand what's going on.  Rather than nursing your hurt and resentment (feeling used) I think you'd be happier and better off if you learned from your experience, and decided you have to learn to communicate your feelings with words.  You don't have to get all flowery, but you have to manage to stammer out "I have feelings for you" if nothing else.  Once you've had car repairs and linoleum in common, it's time to stop waiting around for her to catch on, and stand up and tell her to her face.  The lady in question may have been as frustrated as you were, and may even have told you she was going out with someone to get you to declare your feelings. When you didn't, she felt free to move on. 

You sound like a great guy, one of the good ones, and it's sad that you can't let a lady know that you like her; you don't deserve to be alone, and your closed mouth is the only thing standing in your way.  "Getting to Yes" will help you figure out how to talk to a woman, and  "Asking for What You Want" will show you some ways to do it, and ways not to do it.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today was written just for people like you, who don't understand how to communicate. The exercises and information in it will help you find the love you are wishing for. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am so sad because I don't see this marriage working

Dear Dr. Romance:
 
My husband complains that life is a  habitrail that he has to get on everyday and he is not being reloaded.  I  have tried everything I know how to make things better for him.  I don't  know how to reply anymore, and honestly I am not sure there is anything I can  do.  
 
I am so sad because I don't see this marriage working.  I am lost without my best friend.  I am wishing that things were so different.  I am concerned that he has some serious depression issues and that it may be clinical depression.  He has issues about being the center of the universe with us, and it is really hard to deal with. I see narcissistic behaviors in him that concern me greatly.

He was not like this big overgrown kid  when I married him, or maybe I just did not realize it.  None of it is important at this point as i am married to him and would have loved  nothing better than for things to work out. But, again, I am concerned about his mental state in general not just when it comes to me.  He is hopeless about life, he sees it as just one more day  that is ticking by till he dies, he does not see that everyday life is where you  find the good stuff.  He states that he is never getting recharged or accomplishing things. How do I help  that?
 
Where do I go from here? How do I make things happen that will help  him.  I  don't know how much longer I can cope with this and when I tell him these things he thinks it is an ultimatum, but it is the way I  feel in order preserve who I am. What do I do?
 
Dear Reader:

It's OK to make an ultimatum, as long as it's the truth.  What you telling me is that you love him a lot, but you're going to get out of this marriage if your husband doesn't take care of himself and change his behavior.  He needs to know that, so he can make the choice: He chooses to change, you stay. He chooses to stay the same, you go.  I don't know if he has a third choice, to work it out with you, or not.  That's pretty straightforward.  I'd tell him that and see what happens. Many people, men especially, feel frustrated and caught in the 'rat race' of earning a living.

I know you want him to be in charge, but I wonder if you argue with him about how he's in charge. Maybe he's a big, overgrown kid, but that's the guy you chose to be with, although you may not have realized it at the time.  We're all overgrown kids in some way, and he seems to be a responsible adult in many ways.

I know you love him and want to help him, but you can't fix his depression.  He has to admit it, and to get help for it.  The best thing you can do is be truthful (both the positive and the negative parts of the truth) and be clear.  The most therapeutic thing you can do is tell him what you're observing that causes you to worry about him, tell it without anger, let him know you love him, and tell him you wish he'd do something about his state of mind.  These problems have probably been there since his childhood. 

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction is all about how he can sort out his problems.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together  will help both of you work together to improve your marriage.

Since he doesn't want to face his real feelings, perhaps you could read aloud small parts of the book to him as a teaser.  "The Nail in the Fence: Healing Wounds" will help both of you understand what it will take to reconcile.  But, nothing will work if he's not willing to let it, so your hands are somewhat tied. Even a therapist can't help someone who puts on an "I'm OK" face and won't talk about what's wrong.  When he's ready, use "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" to find the right person to go to.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

Dr. Romance on Grief: From Surviving to Thriving

Dr. Romance has had many clients who are grieving, and wrote this to help. 

None of us wants to think about it, but the standard definition of a totally successful relationship is the old, traditional "til death do us part." Any time we love, whether it’s a life partner, a dear friend, a child, a sibling, a parent or even a beloved pet, we are risking the loss of that love.

When you're happy with someone, you often don't think about your happiness or even fully realize it. You may take your contentment for granted. You watch couples around you struggle, or even go through your own struggles, and realize you’re lucky to have a successful partnership, but you don’t dwell on it. Then comes the tragic event, and the world turns upside-down.

If it's a long illness, the support system your partner used to be is gone, and you are required to be the support system.  Depending on the length of an illness, you may begin to grieve as your partner declines. All the little things you took for granted become crystal clear in their absence.  If the death is sudden (i.e. auto accident, brain aneurism) you go into shock at first.  Either way, you must go through the necessary awfulness -- identifying the body, making funeral arrangements, notifying people, comforting relatives, friends and children and the memorial itself – like a robot, mostly without feeling.   

It isn't until weeks or months after the burial that you really get to experience.....Grief. Grief is an organic process, it has its own wisdom, and it needs a witness. An understanding friend may be able to listen and be with you, and that is very healing. There is nothing you can do to make such a tragedy less tragic, so the grief, anger and frustration that you feel are normal reactions to the circumstances. Slowly, you go through the stages of grief: shock, anger, seeking, depression and peace. It's normal to feel fear that this might happen again, rage that it happened at all, a need for prayer and comfort, bouts of being overwhelmed and thinking you can't go on, and, finally, acceptance and understanding that this devastating event is a part of the risky life we humans all live. These feelings will come jumbled up, they'll recycle, and come in different order. As the shock wears off, and the permanence of the loss sets in, many feelings emerge:  Some people may feel a bit relieved, some will be angry, some will pray or question God, and others just feel exhausted, disconnected, and overwhelmed . This jumble of feelings includes the anger, seeking and depression phases.

To help you sort them out, here are some possibilities

* If you feel inspired to do something hopeful (for example, setting up a memorial fund, or praying, giving blood, writing letters), do it.

* If you feel discouraged, just feel it; it will pass, and it may indicate that you need a rest.

* If you feel like laughing, don't worry about it: it's a good way to manage tragedy. It often signifies the beginning of healing.

* If you feel angry, remember anger is the underside of love -- it's an expression of the value you attach to the life lost, and very appropriate. But it, too, will come and go and fade with time.

* If you are afraid, of course you are. We are all programmed to want to live, and being so heavily confronted with the fragility of life is terrifying. Yes, it could have been you, it will eventually be you, but we humans are resilient, and the fear, too will pass.

* If you feel hopeless, it is because you are realizing that life is not in your own control. This is when faith and a belief in a higher purpose to life is very helpful. If you haven't discovered a belief in higher purpose, then this would be a good time to search. Talk to clergy, read philosophy, meditate, pray, even get your fortune told. All these methods of attempting to understand the ineffable are imperfect, but they all can help.

* If you need support for your own struggle with these issues, gather friends, family and neighbors around you. We never need each other more than at times like this. We need to feel a part of a larger, safer group. Although you may want solitude from time to time, to get your thoughts together, be careful not to get too isolated

Getting through the jumble of feelings that is the grief process will take at least a year, perhaps several. The first year is the hardest, because you encounter special days, birthdays, holidays and anniversaries all around the calendar. Once you've survived each of these once, it gets a little easier. Eventually you will have survived and healed, and be willing to take another chance. The promise of happiness is strong enough that the risk is worth it. You'll probably experience some guilt, but know that if your former partner loved you, she or he would want you to be happy. This new relationship will feel even more precious than the previous one, because you'll know that it isn't here forever. You'll have a feeling of gratitude toward your previous partner, for the love you shared and what it taught you that makes it possible to have this new love.

I have also created an online course: Grief: What it is, Why we have it, and How to get through it 

Article adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My girlfriend has a driving phobia

Dear Dr. Romance

I was looking at the articles on your website and I really liked a lot of things that you have to say about dealing with life, ourselves, others, and the interaction of all three.  I am contacting you in hopes that you might be able to provide me with some advice or lead me to a source of advice. Here is the situation. My serious girlfriend (finances prevent her from being a fiancée) is over twenty years old, and has never had a drivers' license. She has attempted to learn in the past, but has not been able to overcome very acute anxiety about driving.  She says the anxiety creates undesired physical consequences and clouded judgement, and she loses control. Although I love her dearly and want to be there for her, this has become somewhat of a burden. She is willing to try to learn again, but is sure that she will never be able to drive.  This mindset is very difficult for me to help her overcome despite my willingness and patience.

If you could provide me with some advice or direction to help resolve this issue, I would greatly appreciate it. Perhaps you can provide a starting point for "self-help" so to speak.

Dr. Romance replies:

I'm afraid "self-help" won't work with this problem. Your girlfriend is having anxiety attacks, exacerbated by her vision problem. She needs counseling with a trained counselor who is expert in anxiety problems and phobias. It's actually a relatively easy problem to fix. Please read the free article "Handling Anxiety Effectively"  and "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  Both articles will give you more understanding of the problem and what to do about it.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help both you and your girlfriend understand the origins of the anxiety, and what needs to be done about it.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I have become quite the online Romeo

Dear Dr. Romance:
   
  Hi, I read a few of your articles. I always find your info helpful and interesting   I have been divorced now going on 6 years, I am man in my early 40s, and have been internet dating consistently. Yikes! I never have trouble getting the dates, I've been selective, and have been out with some of the most beautiful in my eyes women (body and soul.)

My last count, I have been on almost four hundred dates, including someone I just met and basically spent the weekend with.  It seems like she and I could be a good match, but its still kinda early to tell obviously.  I have become quite the online Romeo, yet my love life could be construed as a comic tragedy. My dating has produced some of the most bizarre, yet entertaining stories. Most people urge me to write a book.   I am not sure where to look for, or what kind of therapist may most likely be able to help me in this realm.  I have seemed to develop an addiction to this internet dating, and my quest to find my significant other.   I feel I need to find a professional, who may have understanding and hip about today's culture and the internet.

Any suggestions? Cause I feel like I could use some. Am I stuck in some complex? 
  
Dear Reader:

Well, you might have become habituated to the thrills of online dating, especially because it's easy for you to get responses. However, as you have found, there is a difference between meeting someone online and dating her, and actually having a real, lasting relationship.  Just like someone who eats too many sweets you have to decide if you just want to party or if you want some real nutrition.

You can't learn what you want to know about a potential relationship from meeting online and spending the weekend alone together.  I recommend you get off line for a while, and try meeting women in the real world.  Join some kind of class, group or association (not a singles group or dating club)  that has content, where people are doing things together, and you can get to know someone before you date her and have sex with her.  If you do want a lasting relationship, you're going to have to find someone who has a lot more to offer than just sex.  And, you will have to offer more, too.   The question is, do you want to fool around, or do you want to build a life?

I do think therapy would be helpful to you. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a good counselor.  "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" is about where and how to look for a true partner. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you understand what you need and want in a real relationship, and how to find that.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am beyond confused

Dear Dr. Romance:

I need help! I am beyond confused. My husband is having an affair for more than six months with some woman who is 15 years younger than him. He lives with this women for all practical purposes and only comes home to sleep. He shows up at 11:00 p.m. at night and leaves by 7:30 A.M the next morning. We have been married for 19 years and we have 3 children.

It is very hard to know what he likes or dislikes about me because he communicates very little of himself. He likes to joke and make a joke out of everything and laugh while interacting. He comes home like nothing is wrong and we were never a couple. He is cordial with me and wants to have a conversation about the news or impersonal subjects.

I tried talking with him about what is going on (I have information from other sources) but he says He does not want to talk about it right at this moment. I feel trapped because my job is in jeopardy because of the housing problem. I have worked for this company for 8 years and I feel they would have to close pretty soon.

He gives me his check and spends some money but he does not pay the other woman's rent. I would like to try everything. Even though he does not seem interested in leaving this women. I need your help.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry to say this, but I think you should call a lawyer. Sometimes, it's only when a man is confronted with the loss of his family that he'll realize he's making a problem for himself. My guess is that this other woman is an escape from all the hassles of life with you. Sorry to be so blunt, but, to him, you probably represent responsibility and lots of problems to solve, while she gets to be fun and sexy. That's not a tough choice for a self-involved man, until he sees it's going to cost him.

I don't know enough to know if you or he earns more money. If it's him, he may have to pay you spousal support plus child support. Actually, losing your job right now could be the best thing, legally. It would make him even more financially responsible under the law. That may turn his head around.

You have to take care of yourself and your children. Go see a lawyer, get some advice so you know where you stand. This is not just some casual affair. He's all but living with this woman. You need to protect your rights. Fight for your self-esteem, for your children, for your marriage. It will be tough, but worth it.  "Asking for What you Want"  will help you communicate what you want. "Setting Boundaries and Saying No"  will help you learn to stand up for yourself.  The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty  will help you understand what you want, and make good decisions for yourself in your circumstance.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Living Outside the Box

Dr. Romance writes:

I was speaking with a client today about his burn-out in his career.  This is a man who’s been very successful, earned a lot of money, and worked hard for a big, national corporation.  I told him he was burned-out, and on strike, because he had put himself in a box about work.  The box consisted of four walls:                                                                  

Wall #1: I have to make $$$$ amount of money

Wall #2: I have to work for a certain kind of company

Wall #3: I’m scared about letting myself be creative (the unknown)

Wall #4: I hate all of it. 

When he put up these walls, he was out of options, and stuck in a terrible place.  If he could take down even one of the walls, he could let himself out of the box. 

Later in the afternoon, I was speaking with another client about relationships. He wanted to figure out what ‘box’ (his word) a person in his life would fit in – lover, friend, etc.  I told him that he couldn’t put another person in a box – the only one he could put in a box was himself– what he was willing to do in the relationship, and what he wasn’t willing to do. And then make sure he set those boundaries for himself and lived up to it.                                                           

I frequently see people who are unhappy in their relationships, and feel too stuck to do anything about it.  Their boxes usually consist of the following walls:

Wall #1: I’m very unhappy, but I can’t do anything about it

Wall #2: I have to keep this relationship, I won’t find another.

Wall #3: I can’t tell my partner what’s wrong, because he or she would be angry/hurt.

Wall #4: I can’t change what I’m doing without my partner’s consent. 

Again, looking at the imaginary walls that have you trapped, and letting down even one wall can give you the power you need to make changes, improve your relationship and create a happier life. 

There are many possible boxes you can encounter in life.  It’s easy to get locked in by shoulds, have-to’s, can’ts and won’ts to the point that you can’t move at all.  We can get stuck in work boxes, family boxes, relationship boxes and health boxes.  Other people can try to put us in boxes.  Boxes are traps constructed of imaginary walls – prohibitions we believe are real, but turn out to be false when examined.

How do you tell if you’re in a box? 

*When you’re boxed in, you’ll feel discouraged and hopeless (people often mistake this for depression,) frustrated, blocked and angry. 

*You may shut down and not be able to get yourself to do things you know would be good for you like take care of your health, be loving toward your partner or family, or be motivated in your career. 

*You may feel cranky and out of sorts, and find yourself pushing friends and family away. 

*The pain of being boxed in can also bring on addiction symptoms – drinking too much, overeating, overspending, or a drug habit. 

What can you do about it?

When one of my clients feels very stressed, stuck and down, I usually suspect they’ve gotten themselves into a box.  After they talk for a while, I can frequently hear them delineate the walls that have them trapped.  When you find yourself feeling trapped and discouraged, you can get out of it by following these steps:

1. Realize that you’ve mentally boxed yourself in with a series of restrictions that feel real, but are actually fiction masquerading as fact.

2. Become aware of the negative messages you’re telling yourself: If you’re telling yourself things like: “It’s too scary” “I can’t do that because....”  “I’m not worth it” “I can’t handle that” “it won’t work;” you’re building and reinforcing walls.

 3. Challenge at least one of the walls.  Create affirmations – positive statements you repeat to yourself to counter negative thoughts – by using a negative thought and turning it around.  “It’s too scary” becomes “I am not afraid.”  “Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude”  will show you more ways to do it.

 4. Take a step outside the box.  Once you see what the mental walls of your box are, and challenge them, you’ll be freed up to try something new, and get out of the box. 

5. Celebrate your accomplishment to create motivation for taking more steps to happiness.

Once you understand that your box is not as real as it feels, you can make your way to a happier life.  May all your dreams come true.

 

Adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction                         

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com