Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: Though we slept together while his wife was away, I regretted it

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a woman in my mid-twenties from India and working in the middle east in a professional job.  I had a brief arranged marriage and am now getting divorced.  One of my business clients, who is an Arab and over forty has been married for many years but claims his marriage is ending says he loves me.

The problem is he always talks about sex.  At work he is concerned about me, and talks about work matters, but when we are alone he just talks about sex and nothing else.  I feel weird because i have something for this guy and was never into it for sex. Though we slept once together when his wife was away, I regretted it later although I enjoyed it and craved it sometimes.  He is helpful if I have a flat tire or need some help, but otherwise he never misses a chance to grab my boobs or back and squeeze me.

When I try to talk to him about marrying me, he says his religion doesn't allow it and life is not about marrying.  When I tell him its time to settle down and have a family, he says home is about having someone to love and care for, and that doesn't require marriage. 

I find it all weird.  I care about this man. I tried to forget and move on, but it's not happening. Can you help me please?

Dear Reader:

This sounds like a dangerous man to me. He may be there when you have a flat tire, but otherwise, he treats you without respect. This is one of the dangers of having sex too soon, or with a married man. He lost respect for you, and just wants to have his way with you. Don't believe his marriage is ending, and don't stay involved with him. He's been very clear about not wanting to marry you, and you know it. Find another way to deal with your flat tires and car problems.

Middle Eastern culture is tough on women, so be very careful who you date. You need to care about yourself, and treat yourself with respect, to get respect from men. I think you have been rather sheltered, through your arranged marriage. Now that you're on your own, and away from home, you have to grow up fast. You're obviously very intelligent, but somewhat naïve emotionally. "You Be the Judge" and "Your Primary Relationship" will help you learn how to respect yourself and not rely on disrespectful men. If you're going to be out in the larger world, you need to be wise and cautious. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today contains steps you can follow to begin successful and safe dating.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: It is your Christian duty to forgive

Dear Dr. Romance:

Thank you for your article on "Apology and Forgiveness".   The process of forgiving is powerful and extremely helpful. I have searched for such information many years and have truly believed that forgiveness is not something you just do. I am a Masters Candidate in pastoral studies in what is called a field education program where I have developed my own program in helping to develop leadership among high school students.

This program allows me to work with a group of other M.Div. candidates once a week to discuss issues that have arisen.  My issue was forgiveness and I felt even through the discussion went well I was misunderstood because Christians often believe it is your Christian obligation and duty to forgive.
And if you do not automatically do so, you are doomed and you will not be healed and I tried to explain to them that forgiveness is much more difficult than just turning it over to God and letting God heal me.

I knew there was something more and your process gives me that something more. I tried to explain to them that I am a mid-life African-American male who has seen more pain and suffering in one life than anyone can imagine. I have been hurt by other men, almost raped, I have seen women raped, I have been poor. I have been hungry and I have been depressed from time to time.  My faith has gotten me through these difficult time but I have never learned how to forgive myself and to forgive others. Now I believe I have the process. I have struggled with being overweight and struggled with racism and hatred My entire life.

I have tried to find the joy in everything and I believe one of the major issues I was missing was how to forgive myself and others. Your point about making sure you are in a safe place is powerful. I tried to explain that to my peers but they did not understand how can you forgive someone who has hurt you before and has hurt you again, and shows no signs of understanding that hurt and there is no evidence that he will not try to hurt anyone else in the future it is not a safe place. Please forgive me for the length of this e-mail as you do not know me from Adam, but I had to say thank you. I will work your process and I will do my best to no longer emotionally and physically harm myself by overeating. God bless you and I thank you from the depths of my heart.

Dear Reader:

Thank you for contacting me, and letting me know the article was helpful to you. You made my day! This is exactly the kind of help I hope to give people.  Here are some similar articles to help  you and your colleagues learn more about forgiveness.

"Coping with Critics" has techniques for handling the criticism of others.  "Comforting the Little Orphan Girl" will help you understand how to comfort yourself when the pain of the past surfaces.  "Drama, Trauma and Time Travel" is a powerful technique for resolving issues from the past. "Emotional Hygiene" is a program for managing your emotions on an ongoing basis, and "The Nail in the Fence: Healing Wounds" has information about repairing relationships after damage has been done.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will show you how childhood trauma operates in your life today, and how to resolve the issues.

I wish you good luck with your Masters degree and your subsequent career as a minister.  You'll do much good in the world.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance Happiness Tip: Your Inner Mentor Can Create New Meaning

Dr. Romance writes:

Sooner or later all of us question the meaning of life. The sooner we get to it, the better chance we have of finding a satisfactory answer.  If you're at home alone, due to the pandemic, this is a great time to learn introspection, the awareness of self.

As a therapist I watch many of my clients pass through stages of personal growth. Once they work through the issues that have held them back, they often begin to ask...“What now?” -- which prompts a desire to search for meaning. “It isn’t until you come to a spiritual understanding of who you are,” said Oprah Winfrey, “not necessarily a religious feeling, but deep down, the spirit within – that you can begin to take control,”

Searching for the meaning of one’s life is a discovery process, a learning experience, and a creative event. By reviewing the kind of person you are and the abilities that come naturally to you -- even if they got you into trouble in the past -- you can gain insight into your life purpose.

I have developed a series of questions to help my clients identify their personal qualities, talents, desires, values, and recurring patterns or circumstances that repeat in their lives. (It is not a "quiz" with “right” or “wrong” answers and one answer isn’t necessarily better than another.) The exercise is a tool to help you get a more objective look at your own unique strengths and abilities.

You may find it helpful to write your answers down.

To identify your personal qualities:

Are you friendly, open, or outgoing? Or, Are you solitary, quiet, or reserved?

Are you a good listener and receptive? Or Are you a communicator, someone others listens to?

Are you a dreamer or an intellectual? What other qualities do you have?

To identify your talents:

Are you good with your hands? Do you excel at a craft, needlework, or carpentry or do you have mechanical gifts?

Are you artistic? Can you paint or draw? Can you sculpt or throw pottery? Do you dance, act, or direct? Are you musically inclined? Can you play an instrument or sing? Do you compose, appreciate, or critique music?

Are you a skilled communicator? Are you a good conversationalist or writer? Are you a good public speaker or teacher?

Do you have other intellectual talents? Are you good at math, spatial relations, computer games, or programming. Do you have a knack for solving puzzles?

What other talents do you have?

To identify your desires?

Do you want to travel?

Is there a political cause that interests you?

For instance, would you like to clean up the environment?

Would you like to express yourself musically or artistically or as a public speaker, writer, or teacher?

Do you want to help animals or save human lives?

Do you want to become a healer or health-care worker?

List any other desires no matter how fanciful that don’t appear on this list.

What circumstances seem to repeat in your life?

Do you often wind up teaching, talking to, organizing, or leading groups?

Do you find yourself repeatedly working with computers, plants, paintbrushes, horses, babies, heavy machinery, microscopes, or any other item?

Do people tell you their life stories (whether or not you ask)?

Write down any other recurring thoughts, patterns, or circumstances.

Now Find Your Life Purpose

Using the above listed talents, qualities, desires, and circumstance rewrite the following sentence: I ___________(your name) am designed to be a __________(insert personal quality) who can ____________(insert talent) and I find myself _______________(fill in recurring patterns or circumstances) often, because I am supposed to _________________(desire).

Once you’ve developed this statement, then confirm it with the following visualization.

Is It the Right Life Purpose? Find Out Using Your “Inner Mentor”

In this visualization, designed to help you achieve a helpful perspective on your own future, you create an advisor for your life decisions. ask a friend to read the following to you, or record it and play it back. The exercise should be read very slowly and quietly. I’ve used both feminine and masculine pronouns – use your own gender.

Relax, breathe slowly and comfortably, get comfortable in your chair, and picture a mentor of seventy or more. This mentor is just the kind of elder you admire, the one you would like to become. She is financially secure, in good health, surrounded by people who care about her, good friends and family... She or he has lots of interests to keep him busy, and she stays active... Introduce yourself to this mentor... as he gives you his name, you notice it’s the same as yours... this is you, later in life... Make an agreement with this ideal older self that you will get advice from her about what decisions you need to make, as life goes on, to live to her healthy and happy state of being . Continue your conversation with him as long as you wish, and ask him what his secret is for living to such a robust and wise old age. Check out the statement you developed with this mentor. For example, how does this inner counselor react to your life purpose? At this age, will you look back on it and think it was worth it? Does your wise self approve? Does he think your choice will last? What is the difference between what you regard as important and what she regards as important? 

This visualization will help you utilize the wisdom you've stored in your lifetime. All the experiences of your life, especially the difficult ones, have taught you valuable skills -- using what you’ve learned in life to help others can create meaning out of pain. Every trial that you face has something to teach you and can become a source of wisdom. Your inner wise mentor knows this well. Your “inner mentor" is a very effective tool to help you look at your own life and your decisions from a different and valuable perspective. The decisions you make today affect the rest of your life, and you are ultimately the only person to whom you are accountable and for whom you are responsible. Every new decision is truly a new life’s resolution.

from: The REAL 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: 2 days later, he tells me he's working it out with his ex

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I met someone from online and we talked for a night and we met that night and one thing led to another and as it turns out he wanted to see me again.2 days later he tells me that hes trying to work this out with his ex wife. How do I not go into that situation?  This is the second time it's
happened to me. I've never been married and I just got out out of a violent relationship so I don't know
what to do?

Dear Reader:

You are going way too fast. You need to be very cautious, because you don't know how to tell the difference between an honest guy, an abusive guy, and a good guy. One thing should NOT lead to another, until you get to know a guy well. Many of the guys online are just looking for sex, and that's not what you want. Wear ratty underwear on the first few dates, to discourage you from taking your clothes off. Don't shave your legs. Do whatever you can to make sure your clothes will stay on your body. 

"Where is love?" will give you a better understanding of what love really is.  "How to Keep Yourself out of a Violent Relationship" will help you tell the difference between good guys and bad guys. "The Colors of Your" will help you build your self-esteem.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will tell you how to find a good guy, how to keep yourself safe, and what to look for in a relationship.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find counseling for your recovery from the violent relationship, and for building self-esteem.  

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I got very drunk and kissed another man

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm nearly 30 and have been living with my boyfriend for several years. Last year we encountered a rough patch and I felt neglected and unloved and like all respect had gone from our relationship. Unfortunately during this time I got very drunk and kissed another man. I confessed and times were very difficult for a while but eventually my boyfriend decided to forgive me. The problem is that over a year on and he has not forgiven me. Most days he will refer to what I did and how much I hurt him. I have apologized over and over again and tried to modify my behavior to show him that I am truly sorry and to try and regain his trust. I don't want to lose him but it is so hard knowing how much he is still hurting and also it is not easy living with constant reminders that I am the bad guy. I just don't know what to do for the best.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you're having a tough time, but it's a good lesson that actions, especially drunken actions, have consequences. Modifying your behavior is a great idea. I'll give you some suggestions on how to apologize, too.

You made the mistake of giving your boyfriend a great excuse for not dealing with his own behavior, because he can focus on yours. Don't defend yourself. Admit you were wrong, but stop begging him to forgive you. Instead, gather yourself together and say:

"That was my mistake, but I apologized and have changed my behavior, and you said you forgave me. So, was that true or not? If you want to leave, go ahead, but if you want this relationship, we have to change how we deal with each other."

If he says he won't change, then you have to let him go, because as it stands now, your relationship doesn't work. If he says he's willing to discuss doing things differently, then counseling would be a very good idea. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  will help you find a good counselor.
"Couples Can Cooperate for Success"  will give you help in re-balancing your relationship. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition  will show you, in detail, how to negotiate and solve problems together so you can create a good partnership. Share the articles with your boyfriend, and hold your ground.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am a married man infatuated with a coworker half my age

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a happily married man in my mid-forties with 2 small kids who has become overwhelmingly infatuated with a 22 year old co-worker.  She is friendly but certainly not coquettish and there is no suggestion she reciprocates. I have no intention of trying to pursue a personal relationship with her.

My problem - cliched as it is - is that over the past 6 months or so, I have been completely felled by incredibly strong feelings for her. I am sexually attracted to her but beyond that, I now seem to have all the symptoms of puppy love - can't eat, can't sleep, butterflies around her, idealising her, the works.

My rational mind sees that this is completely ridiculous. I would ideally just avoid her, but I am one of her supervisors and the nature of our workplace (which is a professional organisation) means we are more or less obliged to work together most days in a fairly structured way.

I'm not really asking for reasons why I shouldn't try to take things further with this girl - they're all pretty obvious. What I am mostly hoping for is any advice on how I can cope with my predicament. I feel utterly wretched and if I could rewrite the whole script I certainly would.  Please help if you can

Dear Reader:

You already realize this is not an unusual situation -- it's a common part of the human experience, and what happens when we are bored. Your mind and heart seize on something to get excited about. I congratulate you for understanding that it's not real, and it would be disastrous to pursue it. This indicates you are emotionally mature. What you need to do is take the energy this fantasy gives you and pour it back into your marriage. When you imagine things you could do to woo this woman you have a crush on, do some acceptable version of it for your wife. You say you are happily married, so pour your heart into wooing your spouse, as you did when you were first together. Her response will amaze you, and you'll be even more happily married.

In addition to that, find a new challenge for yourself. You're probably secure and expert in your work, so there's not much challenge there. It's probably not practical for you to change your job or career, so find a worthwhile pursuit that will generate meaning for you. Get involved in a charity outside your professional organization (you and your wife can do this together,) help mentor some young people other than your own children, write a fictionalized version of your "puppy love" and sell it as a story or a novel; take up a new sport, try something you've never done before but always thought about. The point is to become a beginner at something, learn and grow. When you are appropriately stimulated an challenged, you won't need the "drug" of puppy love to make you feel alive. Read "Anticipating Change" and do the exercise to help you figure this out.

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will help you re-connect with your wife and develop some new dimensions to your marriage.  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance On Spreading Kindness

Kindness is the lubrication for life, love and relationships. When you spread kindness, it comes back in many ways, and it’s the foundation of happiness.  "Dr. Romance" shows how kindness works and why it’s important to learn to live kindly, even in today’s cynical age. 

Dr. Romance on spreading kindness

Spreading kindness is the best way I know to be happy. If you want to spread kindness around, here are some ideas:

*Kindness begins on the inside – learn to be as kind in talking to yourself as you are to others – then, keep improving. Self-talk sets the bar for the happiness in your life. 

*Send letters, e-mails, notes and cards expressing kind words to your friends, kids or spouse and family, even when you live together or nearby. Getting uplifting messages will inspire anyone’s day.

*When you know someone who is ill, bereaved, down or needs help, get together with other friends and work together to get them what they need: whether it’s a meal, some company, or errands run.

*So many of us are lost about how to help a friend in times of grief; but all that’s really needed is a little kindness and a listening ear. Grief needs a witness, and you can listen sympathetically.

* Don’t forget to express your gratitude, beginning with the simple "Magic Words" -- please and thank you. Manners are social lubricant -- they hold society together, and they show respect to others. There's respect for self (treating oneself as you would a good friend), respect for family and friends, respect for differences, like other cultures, races, religions. There are certainly rewards for kindness. It lubricates social connections, and lays a foundation for love, friendship, business success and social recognition in your own life.  

* One of the kindest things you can do for yourself is to keep a positive outlook and see the silver lining. Often we feel unlucky because we aren't noticing the luck we have. Even if something bad has happened, such as the loss of someone dear, the fact that you had such a person in your life was lucky, or having something to lose, in the first place, is lucky. By all means, express grief for your loss, but also remember the gift that you had whatever time with that person before the loss.  

* Every gift is an expression of love, and every giver should be thanked graciously, no matter what the gift is. Whether you’re giving or receiving, what counts is the thought, not the value.

May you give and receive kindness as much as possible – it will make you happy. From It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I am in my forties, and hadn't had sex in years.

Dear Dr. Romance
I am in my forties, and hadn't had sex in years. I met someone and we CLICKED. We had sex on the 2nd date, I know you can't unring the bell, and I'm betting that was probably a mistake, but there is a serious physical attraction between this man and myself along with the ability to talk and laugh about anything.

My daughter has figured it out of course and is not pleased, we've talked about it a little bit, and I've explained that there's a bit of difference between her teenage experience and mine. They haven't met yet, because I don't introduce anyone to my daughter until I know they are really going to be a part of my life for along time.  What do I do?????  A Single Mom in a not so Unique Situation (I think)

Dear Reader:

Well, if you hear from him again (and you may not -- often men who get sex right away pigeonhole the relationship into the "sex only" slot, and disappear.) you need to start over from the beginning.

First tell yourself that you're going too fast. I'm so sorry your daughter "figured it out" -- it's a bad role model for her. I'm guessing you talked too much about him and how excited you were. That's OK for your adult girlfriends, but it should not be a topic of conversation between you and your teenager. Your love life is your business, and shouldn't be a topic for conversation for your child. "Dating Guidelines for Single Parents"   will help you be appropriate with your daughter.

Slow down. Getting this excited this soon usually dooms a relationship. You don't know this guy, he could be a con artist. "10 Reasons For Not Falling in Love"  will help you calm down about what you're doing. The Fine Art of “Squirrel Hunting” gives clear guidelines for successful dating. 

If he does call, tell him you made a mistake, that was too fast for you, and you want to slow things down. If he's really interested in you, not just in sex, he'll accept that. But, don't expect him to be the one to say "no." That's your job. If you don't want to drag yourself through the misery of a broken relationship, pay attention to what you're doing.  "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk"will help you understand the difference between a good guy and a bad guy.

You are in a changing time of your life, and "Decisions After Forty: Reinventing the Rest of Your Life" will help you make better decisions on many different levels.

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make after Forty contains a number of journaling exercises to help you understand all the ways you can redevelop your life and lifestyle at this stage.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I can now free myself and enjoy helping people

Dear Dr. Romance:

I came across your web site when I was desperately looking for motivation. I'm a salesman selling first class products but I couldn't get motivated and it's been a problem for months. It's been getting worse.

I read "Motivation and How to Create It (Good Boss/Bad Boss)" and now I'm sorted out.

I realized I'd been applying the same rules to me that my boss applies to everyone. We both see the world of business the same way but you helped me see that way was wrong. Another difference is I've always known I make a lousy boss. He doesn't.

The list of bad boss features is 100% him. Every detail is spot on.

I can now free myself of this constant feeling of not getting it right and can relax back into the good salesman I've always been. And enjoy helping people.

Thanks again for writing and posting the article. Hope you have as good a day as you've given me.

Dear Reader:

Thanks for letting me know the article was helpful. I'm happy to be of help anytime.  "Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude" might also be useful for you, and it Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand how to motivate yourself on a deeper level.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: How do we reorder our brain for positive motivation?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read your article "Motivation And How to Create It (Good Boss/Bad Boss)" and found it very interesting. I understand your point about celebrating and appreciating yourself to motivate your inner potential. However I am confused about how to order my brain for converting negative thinking to positive motivation. If we could go that far to recognize these differences, we would be able to react against our demotivation to get motivated. But I don't understand that how I should celebrate and appreciate myself when I don't have any appreciation of myself?

Dear Reader:

You can learn to appreciate and celebrate yourself and what you do. Your mind belongs to you, and so does everything in it, so you can learn to take charge and change your ideas and your mindset.  "Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude" ; "Gratitude, Kindness and Happiness" and  "Resolving Inner Anarchy"  will all help you to learn how to appreciate yourself.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction has information and exercises for how to do it.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance on: Staying Strong in Crisis

Dr. Romance writes: As I write this, we have all been asked to shelter in place, staying home as much as possible, because of the pandemic. This puts pressure on both individuals, who may be very alone now, and couples, who may be struggling with needing alone time and space. Everyone is worried, and feeling stressed. Here’s how to stay strong in this crisis.

1. To stay strong, stay connected to colleagues, friends and family members. Although you may not be able to be in personal and physical contact with people you care about, you can still use the telephone, video, FaceTime and other technology to see and talk with people who are close to you. You and your colleagues can talk and support each other through this crisis.

2. Take time to understand what you’re feeling and experiencing. If you’re having emotional reactions that are not normal to you, like angry outbursts or anxiety, take some time to feel the feelings. Don’t be afraid to cry or express what you feel. If you can, write it down. It’s amazing how writing down your fears makes them more manageable.

3. Talk to others who understand, and let them know how you feel and find out how they’re feeling. Don’t just say you’re “fine” when someone asks. Let them know how you’re doing for real, and find out about them. You’ll feel a lot better after sharing and learning that others are having the same struggles. If you have children, play with them, and talk about how everyone feels.

4. Try to get some time outdoors, even if it’s in your own back yard or a nearby park. Being around grass, trees and flowers helps relieve tension. Be careful to  keep your distance from others.

5. If you have a pet, cuddle with it. Petting a dog or cat can reduce stress, lower blood pressure and give you a mental break.

6. Talk to a mental health professional. Even if it’s a phone or video session, talking with a mental health professional can help you understand your feelings and manage stress.

7. Meditate: If you can get some quiet alone time, just sit and focus on your breathing until you feel yourself relax. You can pray, or you can just sit quietly, counting your breaths.

8. Move: Walk around your yard or outdoors, as long as you are staying distant from other people. Walking rhythmically for ten or fifteen minutes can give you a chance to relax and de-stress.

8. Play soothing music: Angry rock or rap will probably not help, but soothing music, either classical, meditative or upbeat can help reduce your stress a lot.

I hope you are well and safe, and I’m wishing all of us a speedy end to this crisis.

excerpted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: It would be embarrassing if they found out it was a wig

Dear Dr. Romance:

This question is a little hard for me because it is very personal. My husband and I were married for 24 years before he passed away. During our time together, I developed a severe case of alopecia which has left me with very little hair. This did not bother my husband and he grew used to me wearing different wigs. Now that I am ready to date again, how do I handle this situation?

Most men like to play with your hair or put their hand on the back of your neck when they give you a Kiss. It would be very embarrassing at the moment if they found it was a wig and asked questions. How should I handle this situation, especially if it is someone I like and want to see again. 

Dear Reader:

I certainly understand your nervousness, it is stressful meeting someone new after a long term relationship, but I think you're scaring yourself needlessly.  First of all, when you meet someone online, you generally e-mail for a while, then move to phone calls or video chats, then finally meet in person. While we are sheltering in place, meeting in person could take quite a while.

This should be a slow process, not a fast one, and during the process, you will have a chance to prepare the guy you're meeting for your wig. Of course, when you do meet, you'll look your best, so you make a good first impression. Under no circumstances should you be touched and fondled right away. IF the person you're meeting and you hit it off, then you can talk about your hair problem before any fondling occurs. If he can't handle the hair situation, then he's not the guy for you.  You are much more than your hair.  "Your Primary Relationship"  and "True Beauty: Honor the God or Goddess Within" will help you sort through your feelings, feel better about yourself, and get your balance.

Some of your anxiety may just be the natural nervousness of dating again after a long relationship. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today has information and exercises to help you prepare for dating.  Take it slow, take care of yourself, don't do anything you don't feel ready for, and you'll find the kind of guy who cares more about you than about your hair. I have other clients with alopecia who have found good relationships.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: She started pushing me away and becoming distant

Dear Dr. Romance:

I've been dating my girlfriend for 5 almost 6 months now. We hit it off from the very beginning and fell in love a couple months into the relationship. Both of us are independent people and level headed, but there's a deep connection between the two of us and the relationship was going GREAT until recently. She even brought up moving in together this summer and I was all for it.

Then two weeks ago she started pushing me away and becoming distant. She later told me that a guy whom she worked with and dated 4 years ago, is going to be working with her again. She had not seen him in 4 years until now. This same guy cheated on her and let her down in the worst ways. She says him, and her ex husband are the reason why "she isn't good with relationships and doesn't trust men."

She said with him back in the picture, being forced to work with him, brought all those feeling back of resentment and the though of "us" scares the hell out of her. She's afraid I'll walk out on her and her son like all the other men from her past. I assured her I was nothing like the men she's dated before and that I wanted to be there for her even through the tough times. She said she is depressed and has anxiety and until she can get it under control, she just wants a best friend and not a boyfriend.  We went on "break" which from my perspective means she is politely saying we're done and doesn't want to hurt my feelings or she wants to date other people and keep me on the back burner.

 I gave her space, but confronted her with my feeling on what a "break" meant. She swears that its not like that. She told me she loves me, she's happy when we're together, I'm her world and she's so in love with me, but she just needs a friend until she can work these issues out. On top of her ex bf, she also said that she's having problems at work and that 6 of her ex bf's who she hasn't talked to in years are now contacting her and one of them is a guy who raped her in high school.

That guy who raped her has also threatened to take her life in the past. She says that maybe after she works everything out we can date again, but that I have to stop trying so hard to get her back and respect what she wants because trying to win her back is what everyone else has done and it pushes her away even more. Right now all she wants is a friend so I agreed (which is something I never do; I usually never contact them again.) But with her its different. I trust her which is also a rarity, but she's been completely honest with me from the get go about everything, including her past which has a lot of baggage. I truly love this woman for who she is TODAY, not yesterday.

So reluctantly, I'm playing the friend card which hurts a little. I wanna be there as her bf or knight in shining armor. We used to talk everyday since we lived 45 miles apart and only saw each  other on the weekends to now, we'll go 3 or 4 days without talking or texting. When I asked what "maybe" meant, she said she didn't want me to put my life on hold for to get her issues fixed. I'm trying to understand and wrap my mind around this. One day we'll talk and I think I have it figured out and then we go days without talking and I'm back to being confused, and sad. She knows I wanna be there for her, knows I love her with all my heart and has admitted that I'm different from all the other failed relationships. I just don't know what to do.

When do I call? When do I text? Do we ever get to hang out? If she is so in love with me, why can't we date at all? As i stated we live 45 miles apart, so it's not like we smothered each other or saw each other
every day. I work 2 jobs and she works 12-13 hrs a day 5 days a week. The few times we've talked since the break, I ACT like I'm OK and act like this "friends" think isn't bothering me because I'm trying to put her feelings ahead of mine since she's the one coping with the depression and all the issues. Honestly though this is destroying me.

I can't go a day without thinking of her, whether I'm at work or with friends. I wanna text her, I wanna call her and I wanna see her, but I don't wanna push her away further or annoy her. What do I do? Will we get back together or am I being played for being too nice of a guy? Any advice would be much appreciated.

Dear Reader:

No wonder you're confused. What you need to understand is, your girl is confused. From what she says about her previous history, she is attracted to men who mistreat her; perhaps because she experienced violence in her childhood. She doesn't like it, and doesn't understand it, but she is drawn to them, and the healthy love you offer her doesn't seem "right" to her -- she doesn't believe it.

This is an issue for therapy, and I hope she's getting some. However, you can't control whether she gets therapy or not. I think her intention is to not hurt you, and it seems that she's being honest with you. But, she likes the attention she gets from these guys (who are willing to tell her whatever lies she wants to hear, just to get her under their control again) even though it scares her. The fear is part of the thrill. She probably doesn't believe in your love, because deep down she doesn't think she deserves it. Nothing you can say will change that -- it's an issue for therapy. She has to do the work inside herself.

I suggest you back way off -- You'll find out if she's interested at all if you let her go. If she figures out that the guys courting her are bad for her, she may be back. If the deep connection is really mutual, she'll feel the loss. If you're available, you can then set some conditions for getting back together: she has to get therapy, you two would need couples counseling, she has to block all these guys from contacting her, or you won't try a relationship with her.

In the meantime, let her go. In the state she's in now, you'll never be able to trust her. Unless she works through this issue, she'll be an easy target for predators, even if she makes a commitment to you. I'm very sorry you've been hurt. As long as you remain available, she can reassure herself you're still there. Don't call. Don't text. Don't explain. Just get on with your life. Yes, you're being played for being too nice a guy. The girl you found has big problems. You can't fix them; only she can. In the meantime, investing more time here is a bad deal. "The Nail in the Fence" Will help you understand your girl's emotional wounds.   "What Is A Dysfunctional Relationship?" ; "10 Reasons For Not Falling in Love"  and "Love and Chemistry"  will help you gain perspective on the relationship and figure out how to take care of yourself  "The Magic of Reassurance" will help you understand how to speak with your partner and "You Be The Judge" will show you how to choose carefully.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition contains the information and skills you need to develop a healthy, functional relationship. 

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

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Dear Dr. Romance: I've learned my lesson

Dear Dr. Romance:

I saw your article: "Debunking Dating Myths"   Great article, good advice.

I couldn't agree with you more.  It was a very timely message for me. Just recently, I decided to let go of my partner...for good...It's only been 2-1/2 months since our split....We broke up before, but he came back after 4 months separation. In the article, you said if he really loves me, he'll be back again. I'm hoping...but not calling,emailing or texting anymore. I've learned my lesson. 

Dear Reader:

I'm glad you've decided to let him figure it out for himself. It's the only way he'll know whether he loves you or not -- and the only way for you to know, too. "How to Handle a Bad Breakup"  might be helpful.

Just in case he does call you, you might want to read "The One Who Got Away"  If he doesn't, Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you find a better guy. Good luck! I wish you a happy and successful relationship, with him or with someone else.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm having major anxiety about the guy I'm dating

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm having major anxiety about the guy I'm dating. I wanted to talk with him, but I lost my strength when I asked about his ex and he gave me an answer like, "There are things you need to know and things you don't need to know and when things don't affect you, you don't need to know them."

The strange thing is, He feels like home and I feel safe when I'm with him, and I do love him :( However, when he was here, he went outside to call his ex when we were together, not one but both nights, and the second night he even covered it up (my gut knows this is what he did). The first time he called, I found out because I lost my phone and he let me borrow his. I saw he had called her, and he told me it was because they share a dog.

I don't think it's sexual, but I'm not sure it's not emotional. He told my friends he was a navy fighter pilot (he's told me this too) and even once proceeded to show me a picture of him flying in a plane. He also told me this weekend that he renews his license every six months to stay current. Tonight, a friend of mine went on the FAA website and found out that he was a student pilot and hasn't renewed any student license since 2000.

My question is, why the unimportant lies? If he's lying about this, is he lying about everything? He's out of town now for a few days. We're supposed to see each other in a couple of days and I'm concerned about how to handle this. I need to approach certain subjects, like his real relationship with his ex and although I don't care if he flies or not, the fact that he is lying to me (he told me he'd always tell me the truth when I ask things) makes me really cautious.

It hurts more because I know he has strong feelings for me, he even drove down to help me move despite being super sick. He came here because he said he didn't want to let me down. I feel torn. I'm a really honest person and need to talk with him about his secrets. I want to do it in a kind/loving way, even if it means he runs the other way. I know I can't change him, but I wonder if he can change. How can I try to talk with him so that I can trust him. Do you have any advice?

Dear Reader:

I think you're way ahead of yourself. If you feel safe with him, and he treats you well, those are good things. You should relax and just have a good time for a while. As far as whether he's telling the truth, I think you need to find out if he wants to be serious; because you're getting serious. If he's just having a good time, and not intending a commitment, then he's right that you don't need to know those things. You do need to know he's an honest, reliable guy before you make a commitment, but you will have trouble finding that out if you're too anxious and demanding.

I think he's not telling you all the truth, but I also think you're getting way more serious than he is. What you need to ask him is: "What kind of a relationship do we have, and what, if anything, can I count on?"

Then, any questions you ask, assume he's telling the truth and you're the one who's got bad information. You're acting as though he's asked to put a ring on your finger, and that's not the case. There's a long road of discovery between now and when you have a commitment. Back off, give him a chance to reveal himself naturally. You're trying to control everything. Instead, control yourself and your heart, and play it cool for a while. Don't get so committed to him until you see whether he's worth it, and allow time for that to happen.  Use this time while we're all sheltering in place to think about what you really want.

"10 Reasons for Not Falling in Love"  will help you understand what your fears are about.  "Keys to a Happy Relationship"  will help you have more confidence that you can make a relationship work.

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences contains information and exercises which will help you communicate better with your guy, and find out more about what's going on.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance: 3 Ways to Ruin Your Relationship

Especially during trying times like isolation, relationships can be devastated by simple, thoughtless things. Bad behavior will ruin your marriage faster than any temptation from the outside.  Dr. Romance points out the worst mistakes to make in a marriage.

Dr. Romance's 3 ways to ruin your relationship:

1. Pick the wrong partner for the wrong reasons: No matter how charming your partner is, if he or she's a player, an out-of-control spender, a con artist, an alcoholic/addict or violent, no amount of love on your part will fix him or her one bit. Don't try. The minute you find out there's a Fatal Flaw, end it. Find a less charming, but more upstanding, healthy person to love.  

2. Nag/scold/bitch/yell when things don't meet your expectations. You have to take care of yourself, and find a way to solve problems and motivate your partner to work with you. Partnership is the name of the game, not "I want you to take care of me, and I'll throw a temper tantrum if you don't." You'll get a lot more of what you want if you ask directly and simply, and motivate with affection, humor and fun.  

3. Do it all yourself. Lots of people try to fill in all the gaps by doing whatever their partner isn't doing -- all alone. If he can't keep a job, getting successful on your own could be a good thing for you, but it won't save the relationship. If he won't help around the house, or with the kids, doing it all yourself (plus your job) won't save the relationship either. If she won't be responsible about money or discipline, doing it all yourself will work for a while, but you'll wind up being seen as the bad guy. Very early in the relationship, give your partner the room to do his share. If nothing is forthcoming, ask directly (don't just whine or hint) for what you want. If your mate doesn't step up, and won’t discuss what would help, then you're probably the only one in the relationship, and it's not going to work.

From How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: It left me feeling like a loveless phony

Dear Dr. Romance:

I just found your article "Without Ego"  OMG you are just who I've been looking for.  For the past two years I've been reading articles about dissolving the ego and all this hubbub. For those two years I was told that I have an ego that is all about self, cannot exist with love, is self draining, and only thinks about itself, and it was inside me!!!

All of this information plus the label of the 'false self' slapped upon it left me feeling like a loveless phony for those 2 years. I kept getting hunches that "I didn't have an ego" or, "something just isn't right" but I kept trying to dissolve my ego by "passively watching my thoughts".

This also didn't help as it harmed my thinking and inner peace. All these things that were apparently designed to give inner peace, were only serving destruction to me from the inside out. I found your article and now I'm very happy collaborating my self back together. I feel whole now instead of split and incomplete, sort of how I did before I got into the whole "ego dissolving" mess...I only have one question though. How do I get out of this mess??? I really do still feel split. And guilt ridden for having an ego as well..

Dear Reader:

I'm glad my article was helpful to you. What you are asking about is called "integration of the self" -- getting all the split parts of you to work together as a team. There are several articles on my website that can help you do this, including "Peace Begins at Home", "Resolving Inner Anarchy",  "Tapping Your 'Inner Mentor' to Create New Meaning in Your Life".  "Winning The War Within",  "Your Primary Relationship"  and "Emotional Hygiene". They will help you become aware of the inner dialog that makes you feel split, and show you how to integrate your mental landscape. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction
 will explain exactly how you get disconnected originally and what to do to reconnect.  

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I would be honored and privileged if I could end up marrying her.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I recently read your article  "The Challenges of Blended Families" focused on interfaith couples and their impact on raising children. I wanted to reach out to you as a last resort to saving my relationship. My girlfriend and i have been together for three years, live together and are at a crossroads when it comes to religion. She was raised Lutheran. attended Sunday school growing up and places a big emphasis on Christmas, Easter and goes to church on occasion.

My mom and step-dad were not very religious, but we did light the Hanukkah candles every year and I learned Hebrew for my bar-mitzvah and went to Israel as part of a college program. Since then,I have gone to synagogue only for the high holidays and do not practice much. I will always consider myself to be Jewish and want to pass certain traditions to my children.  My grandma was a Holocaust survivor, and she and my mother are the two strongest woman I know.

My girlfriend and I are very sad because we feel like our relationship is close to ending. I am desperate to make things work out because she has been with me through tough times and has no idea how much I appreciate and look up to her.  I would be honored and privileged if I could end up marrying her.

Dear Reader:

Differing religions do not have to be a nightmare. You can us components of both religions. Your children will always have the advantage of their Jewish heritage, and it doesn't have to conflict with what they learn about the Lutheran faith. You can have a menorah and a Christmas tree. Your girlfriend can acknowledge that Jesus was not Christian, he was a Jew, and you can honor how important her religion is to her. You don't need to have conflict, you can blend traditions.  The following guidelines will help you stop arguing about who's religion is the right one, and start working together to find a way to blend faiths. 

Guidelines for Resolving or Blending Religious Differences

When you and your partner disagree about faith, you may have great difficulty resolving the issue, because it has so much meaning for each of you, and also because your family pressures and obligations affect the decision. If one of you is disinterested, and the other deems faith important, you may wind up having a power struggle about the children and the extended family. Resolving this requires understanding exactly what is important to each partner. Is it what the family will think? Is it concern that the difference will separate you? The following guidelines will help you resolve your religious differences and the question of how to raise your children:

*Agree to Resolve the Issue: Do what it takes to figure out how to work together on this, rather than fight about it. Understand that raising your children with good values can happen no matter which religion or belief you frame those values in, and that having a good, working partnership is more important to your own happiness and your children’s well-being than any particular set of beliefs, traditions or rituals. If you have to go for counseling to get to a point where you can talk calmly about the subject; then do so.
*Do Research: You need to know enough about each other’s beliefs, religious background, and the options available to be able to reach a mutually satisfactory solution. Talk to each other, to your families, if possible, and to clergy to get as much information as you can. Find the most tolerant, knowledgeable and supportive people you can to talk to, and listen to their point of view about it. You don't have to agree with your partner to understand what he or she is thinking.
*Give Yourselves Time: Don't insist that you have to make this decision right now. The more time you can spend understanding the issues and developing options, the more likely you'll come up with a solution both of you can accept. No matter how long you waited to discuss this, or how long you've been struggling about it, you still don't have to decide it in a rush.
* Talk About It Repeatedly: Talk to other couples, to clergy, to friends and to family several times to create more understanding and brainstorm about options. If you can find other couples who have resolved religious differences, find out what they decided.
* Explain Your Partner’s Point of View: When talking about it to each other, or to someone else who is supportive, explain each other’s point of view, which will help you understand.
* Focus on Your Children: Keep your focus on what would be best for your children, and if they are old enough to understand, bring them into the discussion. Don't try to persuade them to either side, but present the options as objectively as you can, and find out what your children think about it.
* Experiment: Be willing to try some experiments. You could devote every other week to each religion, for example, devoting one week to each religion, reading books on each other’s faith or belief, etc. Jan and Ron tried living Jewish traditions the first and third weeks of the month and Catholic traditions on the second and fourth weeks.
*Create a Blend of Your Own: Whether you realize it or not, within the doctrine, liturgy and beliefs of every religion, people are picking and choosing. You can belong to a neighborhood church that is Presbyterian, for example, and find another Presbyterian church down the street handling things in a different way. Of course, the differences between two different faiths or beliefs will probably be much greater, but you can still adapt the tenets of your different beliefs in a way that will work for both of you. If you could be flexible and tolerant enough to marry someone of a different faith, you can be flexible enough to develop a blend of both beliefs that will be workable.
* Avoid Right/wrong Discussions: As I've mentioned before, arguing about who is right or wrong will not solve anything. Instead, work on understanding what is important to each of you, then finding a way to incorporate that and resolve your differences. Focus on the problem only long enough to understand what it is, then switch the focus of your discussion to what will work, and what will solve the problem that both of you can live with your mutual decision.

I have just created a course on this topic for Generous Marriage: How Single Parents Can Blend Families

 "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will help you learn how to cooperate instead of struggling.

Adapted from Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: How can we find low cost counseling?

Dear Dr. Romance

I am in a relationship of a year and 3 months. My girlfriend Phyllis and I have a constant communication problem that we want to address.

Neither of us are currently working. I do get unemployment but my bills out weigh my income. Do you know how we can find low cost counseling?

Dear Reader:

If your bills outweigh your income, you are wise not to pay high fees for therapy. There are low-cost options for counselling:

(1) If you're a student, or there is a nearby university, check to see if they have graduate programs in psychology or social work. Schools that prepare counselors often have a clinic affiliated with their school, or know of community clinics that may be appropriate for you to call. Some major teaching hospitals may also have mental health clinics where they see people at low cost. Such a clinic may be open even during isolation.

(2) If you live in a large city, there may be training institutes for postgraduates in psychology and social work. The interns at these organizations see individuals and couples, usually at low cost. Students are supervised, which helps assure quality care. In addition, you can check out the American Psychological Association, or the National Association of Social Workers, to find counselors in your area.

(3) Church-run and not-for-profit organizations exist in many cities that either offer low-cost counseling or offer referrals and can help you find a therapist who sees people on a sliding scale. Mental Health America has tips on locating providers and paying for care. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Association (SAMHSA) has a National Helpline – 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Even for people who are not suicidal, the Suicide Prevention LIfeline can direct you to low-cost or free counseling in your area.

(4) Many counselors with private practices offer sliding fee services, and are doing sessions via phone or video.  Your primary health care provider can make a referral for you. Friends who live in the area you're moving to may have recommendations.

(5) Books can also help.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" has steps to follow to find a suitable counselor at a reasonable fee.  There are many free articles  on my website which can help you solve relationship problems.  

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together  can help you learn the skills you need to work together to solve problems.

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Guidelines for Relating with Love

If you're lucky enough to be living with someone else while you're isolating to avoid this virus, you may be having some difficulty with being alone together for more time than you're used to. The following guidelines will help you get along better and perhaps even improve your relationship during the pandemic.

A good marriage can be the most precious thing in your life, and bring you lasting comfort and joy. There's nothing better than a long-lasting, solid, loving relationship you can count on. Dr. Romance shows you how to open up the love and joy in your relationship, and be irresistible to each other.

Dr. Romance's Guidelines for Relating with Love (Six things to remember)

1. It's not about who's right or wrong it's about solving the problem together. If you try to win the argument, you'll lose something more important -- loving feelings.

2. With listening, caring and the willingness to change, anything in your relationship can be fixed. There's no need to be afraid -- just turn up the love.

3. It's a partnership, silly! Stop struggling, and learn to work together. Focus on teamwork and sharing.

4. Behavior that enhances relationships with people at work, and with your friends, will probably work if you use it with your spouse. Seek to be more rational and less angry or emotional.

5. What goes around comes around, in love as well as life. If you want more of love, try giving more. It will work every time.

6. Act like the grownup you are, not a little kid. Think before you speak and focus on solutions, not problems. Give up whining, complaining and suffering, and step up to taking responsibility and loving more.

(from Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences)

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm a single mother suffering in depression and stress

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm a single mother suffering in depression and stress.

I met my ex husband online, we fall in love and got married. He was a Middle Eastern guy. We had a daughter, the marriage didn't last long and we got a divorce. I was aggressive, I used to break things, yell at him and asked for a divorce in anger. He was too much into his friends and work. He had no time for our daughter or me, and we were living in another country where I had no family or friends. I used to fight him to come to my home country at least 2 times a yr, but he didn't like it. Last time I went home to finish my graduation exams, he divorced me by email a few years ago, even though I begged him not to.

My daughter is almost school age. she lives with me, I am back in school to have a better future but I have a lot of anger. I feel like I was ditched and thrown forcefully. My stress increases when I hear his voice when he calls to talk to my daughter, and I hear him saying he hopes to marry someone else, and that I didn't truly love him and I left him. I feel angry when my daughter asks him why he doesn't live with us.  I still have feelings for him but i know he doesn't care. When try to date  another man, after few days i compare him to my ex, and end it.  I want to be happy.  Please help me.

Dear Reader:

You are a mom now, it's time to grow up and stop throwing temper tantrums.  It sounds like you're not mature enough to have a healthy relationship, and you don't have a good role model for what a healthy relationship looks like.  "10 Reasons for Not Falling in Love" will explain why you're pushing men away.  "Anger Management"  will help you understand and express your anger in a more effective way. "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship"  will show you what's wrong with your relationship model, and "When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships"  outlines a new model for love. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today
contains information and exercises that will help you learn the skills you need to make a marriage work.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm in my seventies and he's 25 years younger

Dear Dr. Romance

I'm in my seventies, and he is 25 years younger.we met on a senior dating site almost two years ago, and have been living together for over a year. He and my daughter went to the same high school, and he says he was attracted to me then and always compared his other relationships to me.

He's a romantic, and when he is around he is very entertaining and loves to talk but his time now is very limited as he is in grad school for the next two years. He works at lab all night 3 nights a week and leaves me alone and sleepless.

I have a severe hearing loss and a cochlear implant; he has been helpful and encouraging and taking me to the doctor. He does have a short fuse and blows up over nothing, which alarms me. I can usually defuse an argument by staying very calm, and avoiding conflicts.

He's been getting texts from his ex, the unmarried mother of his 22 year old daughter. He said he never talks to her, she just keeps writing, but I don't believe him. I think he likes the attention, and probably gets it from other sources as well.

He was on a dating site and went on some dates 6 months ago. He switches off the computer when I enter the room; takes the phone into the bathroom for conversations. He recently gave me an engagement ring and bought a suit  to wear for the wedding, but I thought it was way too expensive since he is on a scholarship and on limited funds.

I have my own apartment which I am renting out right now. but it is under the threat of foreclosure, I've been going to court to try to get a loan modification, which was one of the reasons I ended up living with him, it was only 6 months after we met..it may have been to soon.

My girlfriend says we have nothing in common. I'm worried that this relationship has no future once he finishes his graduate degree.  I don't want to lose the companionship, which I have very sparingly now.

Dear Reader:

I don't believe age differences are automatically a problem. May-December relationships can work. However, I have some concerns about yours. His anger worries me, especially since you placate him. I fear the relationship could turn into a controlling, violent situation. I don't know the future of this relationship, but there's a reason why you're worried.

I hope you're not paying for anything that is not your own expense, especially given your financial troubles. I also think he's probably not being faithful to you, which could lead to you being hurt. It sounds like your friend, who sees your relationship much more closely than I ever can, is also worried.

Please be sure you take care of yourself. The fact that you have "very sparing" companionship could impair your judgement and leave you vulnerable to being used or abused, so I want you to get busy and make some social connections. Try going to your local senior center for activities. You need a support system, in case this relationship doesn't work out. I'm glad you have your girlfriend, and you need more people to avoid becoming dependent. "Autonomy Vs Dependency" will help you understand the difference.   "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" will help you open up your social scene.  The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty  will help you examine your life at this stage, and make decisions to improve it.

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Should I stay in this relationship?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I had a really bad ending on my last relationship we were engaged. I moved into another relationship a month after he ended it. I was very lonely and my new relationship seemed perfect. Now I'm starting to get mixed emotions about my man. We have been together now 1 year. I do love and care about him. But it isn't the love i felt for my ex-fiance. I'm not sure what I see with the future. This man is very in love with me and has recently told me he could see us having a family together. I do not see that. I'm not sure what to do. Should I say in this relationship even though my feelings aren't as strong as his? Or should we end it?

Dear Reader:

Please don't be too quick to end this relationship. If you love and care about him, and you enjoy each other, you have the basic ingredients for a successful relationship. Love is not a competition, and you'll find your love will grow if you work together to solve problems and build a life. Make sure you're not running because you're afraid of the responsibilities of commitment and family. "10 Reasons for Not Falling in Love" will help you figure out if your fears are really related to this relationship or not. No relationship is perfect at the beginning. You two can develop the necessary skills to go through life together.  "Couples Can Cooperate for Success"  will teach you skills for turning your doubt into commitment.  Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences has exercises and information to help you learn to appreciate each other and maximize your love. If you do end the relationship, I recommend you wait at least a year before starting another. You need to figure out how to relate to yourself.  "Dating after Divorce, Breakup or Loss"  will help you understand why this is important.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr Romance: he said I was expecting too much from this relationship

Dear Dr.Romance:

I can't get over this man, he is 61, I'm in my mid thirties,  he is Europe and I'm in North America, we started corresponding and we stopped. I was suffering but time healed me after a year.   This year we re started talking back, by Facebook, and when we decided to meet in on Paris, I was thrilled! When I got to Paris, he had changed his mind, he never showed up in our meeting, I just wonder what went wrong.  Later on he said to me that I was expecting too much from this relationship.  I feel broken, what do you advise?

Dear Reader:

Please don't feel bad about yourself because of this man. If he thought you were expecting too much he should have told you before you went to Paris. I hope you enjoyed your trip anyway. Time will heal you again. He's just dabbling, enjoying the fantasy relationship, but not wanting a real one. I'm sure he told you everything you always wanted to hear, because he never had to deliver on it. A real, "face to face" man might not seem as perfect, but you'll be able to tell if he's telling the truth or just feeding you a line of BS. Don't let this fantasy relationship keep you from developing a real one here at home.  "Where is Love?" and "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"  will help you get more realistic about what you're looking for. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you a step-by-step process to follow in finding a real, healthy relationship, with a man who is mature enough to respect you. 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance: 5 tips to moving on emotionally after divorce

Going through a divorce is devastating. You not only lose the marriage and break up your family; you also lose all the hopes and dreams you had for happiness here.  Dr. Romance helps you to pick yourself up from the rubble and move on emotionally.

Dr Romance's 5 tips to moving on emotionally after divorce

1. If you gave it your best shot, and you know it's over, don't waste time in resentment and anger, it's self-destructive.  Let go. Do your grieving, cry, journal, and talk about alone, or with a trusted friend. Have a "letting go" ceremony with close friends, and say goodbye to your married life.  Put reminders away for a while. 

2. Don't hesitate to get therapy to help you through this transition, so you can grieve what's lost (even if you're the one who left, you've lost your hopes and dreams for this marriage) and move your focus on to building a good life in your new circumstance. A professional viewpoint will help you move from past to present, and plan for the future.

3. Take care of yourself financially -- a good lawyer can help you fight for your rights. You'll feel a lot less resentment if you get your fair share of the assets.

4. This is an important time to have your friends or family around you, you need support. Don't isolate. You don't have to go right out and date again (go slow with that) but you should have a

social life with friends and family. Even if you don't think you feel ready to see people, see your closest friends and spend time with them. They'll help you heal, and remind you that you still
have people who love you. Spend a lot of time with people you trust.

5. Focus on building your life. This is a great time to try something other than a relationship --
take a class, start a new business or career, get a puppy. Give yourself plenty of time to heal
before taking another chance on love.

For more help with moving on, read Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I find her volatile and aggressive

Dear Dr. Romance

I came across your name and contact details on a web it whilst trying to find info' to help my relationship. I wonder if you might be able to offer me any advice please ?

My girlfriend always wants to take control and the way she speaks to me at times is though I'm trash and she has no respect for me at all. She blows hot and cold so often and I find her volatile and aggressive. I don't know where it's gone wrong but it has since we started living together 6 months ago.

She strikes me to be a bit of a control freak. No matter what I attempt to do she always has to step in and take over. She foists her opinion on me all of the time without any facts. I'm a professional man and she tries to tell me how to do my job even though she has no knowledge or experience of my role. I'm finding the whole thing suffocating and such a turn off ! What might your advice be please ?

Dear Reader:

I'm guessing that your girlfriend is afraid: of intimacy, of losing you, of not knowing how to have a relationship. Both of you may be lacking in relationship skills. You need to find a way to talk to her, and not fight with her. Do you think she'll sit down for a discussion if you ask her? If she will, then ask her how she's feeling in the relationship, and if she's happy. Don't begin with telling her what's a problem for you.  "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will help both of you understand what a relationship is for.  "Asking for What you Want"  and "Getting to Yes" will help you talk to her more effectively and "The Magic of Reassurance" will help you learn how to calm her down. 

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together has exercises and guidelines to help you two talk without disrespecting each other.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Dating a Younger Woman

Dear Dr. Romance:
I read your article on the Age Differences in Dating and found it to absolutely be brilliant. I'm wondering though since I'm dating a younger woman, what tips you have on dealing with that. Thanks. Any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

Dr. Romance Responds:

I have seen many relationships succeed with this kind of older man/younger woman scenario.  What counts is how well you two can form a  partnership or team that works.  These relationships can last --  it's not age that makes the difference, but how well the couple build trust, partnership and a life together.

Age difference is an adolescent worry: when you're a teenager, an age  difference of 10 or more years makes a vast difference in your experience  and your outlook on life.  Such a  difference can interfere with  communication, life goals, outlook, and relationship experience.  In addition, the social reaction to such a relationship is often very  negative.  If one partner is underage, a sexual relationship is even against the law.  But, as we get older, life experience and emotional  growth  even things out.  A ten-year or more difference in your ages makes  little difference in how well you can conduct your  relationship.   Don't  focus on an arbitrary numbers difference in your ages. If you are getting  along, you have good  communication and problem-solving, and you love each other, that's a precious thing, and far more important than any age  difference could be. If other people have a problem with it, let it be  their problem. To improve any relationship, read "Relating with Love"

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will show you everything you need to know about successful dating.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I have a traumatic brain injury

Dear Dr. Romance:

A lot has happened in recent weeks that has wreaked havoc on my life.

A friend of twenty years, Told me he did not consider me a real friend, although I've been spending many hours helping him with gaming for years. 

My sweetie pet hamster died. It was his time, as I had him 2 years 1 1/2 months. Still, even though I know it was just nature taking its course, I miss him terribly. He was my little buddy, and until I get to the pet store, I have nobody to play with and hold in my hands, and love like one can love a pet.

I have been job hunting for over a year, with no luck. MANY MANY people are in that boat, I know. My problem is unique, because I was a child I acquired a traumatic brain injury after a bike-car collision. That has made life different for me, and makes job-hunting difficult.

However, I need to be more independent and stop living off of my parents' generosity. I want to make my own money, and support myself. Luckily I have the love of my family, the support of real friends, and many people on my side helping me through tough times. Because of all of them, and my own strength, I am moving forward each day with a positive attitude!

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. I know from personal experience how painful the loss of a pet is. Your "friend" was cruel, but consider that maybe he didn't mean to be so harsh.    I wish you luck in your job search. Try volunteering until you get a job. I know there is a non-profit organization that could use your skills somewhere near where you live. That will keep you focused and connected until you find a job. "Your Job on Earth" can help you figure out where your unique abilities and expertise, such as with the gaming world, fit into your job search.   It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you figure out what skills you need to become more independent.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance: On Having a New Baby When You Have Stepchildren

You and your new spouse are over the moon about having a baby, but the children from your previous marriage are acting strange and upset or distant. What's wrong, and how do you fix it?  Tina B. Tessina, PhD, "Dr. Romance" licensed psychotherapist and author, gives you steps to follow to make sure everyone gets onboard with the blessed event.

Dr. Romance’s 5 tips to parenting step children with a new baby
1. Give your current kids a chance to bond with the baby. Make it very clear that you are all one big family, and you love everyone equally, and act that way.   Don’t worry if everyone doesn’t settle in right away; bonding takes time.  Hopefully, your blended family was running smoothly before you became pregnant, but the adjustment to a new baby can take time for everyone.

2.  Have family meetings weekly.  Give everyone (kids, too) a chance to share how they feel, what they like and don’t like, and ask them to share both positive and negative opinions.  Invite suggestions about how to make things better.  Shared times, such as mealtimes, are important -- but each person needs a break, too.  Don’t allow the schedule to be too busy -- plan some time off.
3.  New babies absorb a lot of attention and energy, so give your older children some involvement, without dumping too much responsibility on them.  Encourage them to be around while you’re tending to the baby– bathing, changing, feeding – and include them in your excitement about how “our” baby is growing and changing.

 4.  With a new baby, you really need to be on the same parenting page.  Mom and Dad need to work out parenting methods, rewards, punishments, chores, allowances, bedtimes, homework, etc.  It’s much easier if you have a routine and rules in place before the baby comes.  You don’t want the new baby to be blamed because you got more strict.  The baby is going to change the whole family’s routines, so discuss that with your children before the big arrival.

5. If one or more of your children is in shared custody, and leaves periodically, take some time to catch up with what they were doing while they were gone, let them know you missed them, then talk a little bit about what was happening at your house while they were gone. The most important thing is that all of your children feel like equal parts of your family, special for their differences, but equally loved.

For more on this, read How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I just got my girlfriend pregnant and I might be gay.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I've just gotten my girlfriend pregnant and still have doubts about my sexuality, whether I'm gay or bisexual. She wants me to get some clarity before she decides to keep the baby or not. Can you help?

Dear Reader:

Your girlfriend is right to want you to know what you want before she marries you. You may be gay or  bisexual, but now is the time to figure out what you want. If you can let go of same-sex dreams, and make a serious commitment to her, then it could be the right thing to do. But, making the commitment when you don't mean it will only be hurtful to everyone concerned. Of course, if she keeps the baby, you have a responsibility to care for your child, emotionally and financially, no matter what you decide about your sexuality. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  will help you find a good therapist, which is a very good idea for you as an individual and for both of you as a couple.  You also need to start taking responsibility for having protected sex, so you don't continue to make such big mistakes.

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences is full of exercises which will help you and your girlfriend talk honestly about what each of you wants and whether a relationship is possible.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am the one who becomes unbalanced

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am married 19 years and my husband and I have two children. We have a good marriage in so many ways yet we continuously cycle to a low point every couple of months primarily due to my change in mood and feelings about the relationship.

A bad case of ambivalence on my part. We recently had a nice break from one another with my travel for work. We decided to let go of the past negatives we know about one another and our relationship and start fresh. I really like this idea.

I've only been home for a few days and it's working so far. My goal is to have some guidance on setting the tone for our future. I really like what you wrote in "Attitude Adjustment" about inner peace, calmness and maintaining that balance.

I definitely am the one in the relationship who becomes unbalanced. My husband has never changed his feelings for me. He's very predictable and I think I may take him for granted. I want to avoid rehashing and complaining about the past. I'm not sure if this is doable.

We have had counseling in the past. It has been helpful, but I feel it's a waste of time to sit in a counseling office and complain about one another. I truly want some viable solutions. I would appreciate any feedback you can give me at this point and any particular books you can recommend would be helpful as well.

Dear Reader:

If you really think the problem is your mood, why not get counseling by yourself?  As the article says, you can learn how to gain control of your emotional reactions, and also to learn to respond thoughtfully rather than act out like an undisciplined child. You can learn to calm yourself down, and to work with your husband instead of reacting like a crazy person. "Stop Reacting and Start Relating"  shows you how you should relate to your husband,   "Peace Begins at Home" will help you calm yourself down "Relating With Love" will teach you how to be more loving and considerate and "Resolving Inner Anarchy" will help you learn to sort out your thinking before you speak.   It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction  will help you understand why you react the way you do and change your attitude and reactions.  Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will help you and your husband repair the damage.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My ex is violent, abusive and obsessed with me

Dear Dr. Romance:

I  read your post on line about How Not to Repeat Past Relationship Mistakes, and it answered a lot of questions that I have about my ex husband. We were married for 10 years. He's violent, abusive and obsessed with me. I have dealt with him for the almost 3 years of extreme behaviors towards me . He refused to divorce me for over 2 years and finally got him to sign papers when I was gonna get remarried which sent him through the roof. He will want to try and hold me one moment then wants to kill me the next. I sense his ambivalence but I do not know what to do because it is draining me. He told me he hides in the ditch by my house, and hides in the trees watching me.

I just want some relief and I'm trying to understand what I can do. I have cut off contact with him, remarried which fell apart. Have you any idea what I can do to get him over all this? I really have a hard time with it because sometimes he drains the life outta me and I don't know how much more I can deal with. He won't pay me child support he says he decides when I get it , told me if I date anyone he will slit their throat.... I can not figure it out ....I do not think that he will ever let us go. if there was any insight that you could give me that would be great!

Dear Reader:

The solution to your problem with your ex is pretty simple. Don't focus on changing or helping him -- he's beyond that. Stop being nice. Get a restraining (sometimes called protective) order, and call 911 whenever he shows up.

Put him in jail a couple of times, and he'll stop bothering you. I know there's a certain kind of satisfaction in being so wanted by someone, but let go of that and get serious about protecting yourself. Cut off all contact -- block him on your phone, email and any online sites you have.

Don't try to talk him into going away. This just gives him attention, which is what he's seeking. Any reaction he sees from you encourages him to pursue you more. When you respond to his nice moments, you encourage him, and there will always be violent moments. If you keep "teasing" him by being nice, he'll get worse and worse. Stop giving him mixed messages, and let him know you mean business about wanting him to go away. Stop talking to his ex about him -- if word gets back to him, he'll interpret that to mean you still want him.

If you're going to let go, do it for real.  "How to Avoid Loving a Jerk"  will help you understand how to keep your distance, and "How to Keep Yourself Our of a Violent Relationship" will tell you how to handle this guy.   It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you examine why you stay involved in this situation.

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance: Guidelines for Co-Parenting after divorce

No matter how angry or hurt you may be after a divorce, if you have children, you’ll still share a lifetime with their other parent, your ex.  Dr. Romance offers guidelines for moving past the anger and hurt, and finding a way to co-parent your children that is good for everyone.

Commonly, everyone feels wounded after a divorce. The divorced parents are going through feelings of failure, rejection, abandonment and loss. The children have similar feelings. All these hurt feelings lead to competitiveness, drama and recriminations. Divorced parents, in sharing custody, can retaliate against each other by making visitation difficult, bad-mouthing the other parent (or the new partner or step-parent) to the children, withholding child support and trying to get the children to deliver inappropriate messages to the other spouse, like "mommy says you didn't dress us right"

Divorced parents can avoid these scenarios by using the following guidelines:

Dr. Romance's Guidelines for Co-Parenting after divorce

*Don't React, Respond: When the other parent does something upsetting, take time to cool down before responding, and respond with a possible solution.

* Talk About It to safe people: Talk to other couples, to a therapist, to friends and to family to create more understanding and brainstorm about options. If you can find other couples who have resolved divorce differences, find out what they decided. Let off steam to safe people, so your children don't experience your anger and frustration.

* Explain Your Ex's Point of View: When talking about it to each other, or to someone else who is supportive, explain each other's point of view, which will help you understand.

* Focus on Your Children: Keep your focus on what would be best for your children, and if they are old enough to understand, bring them into the discussion. Don't try to persuade them to either side, but present the options as objectively as you can, and find out what your children think about it.

* Experiment: Be willing to try some experiments. Try it the way the other parent wants it, to see if it works. Try letting the children decide how they want it to be, within reason.

* Avoid Right/wrong Discussions: Arguing about who is right or wrong will not solve anything. Instead, work on understanding what is important to each of you, then finding a way to incorporate that and resolve your differences. Focus on the problem only long enough to understand what it is, then switch the focus of your discussion to what will work, and what will solve the problem that both of you can live with your mutual decision.

* While the kids are small, still do some family activities with all of you together.

* Introduce new partners slowly and very cautiously, hopefully time will pass before you do this. Don’t spring a new partner on your spouse or your children. Don’t say “This is your new Stepmother (Stepfather).” That will set you up for disaster.

While this takes some self-control, and isn't easy, it is worth learning to handle your situation in a grown-up manner, and keep what's best for the children in mind. You'll all be a lot happier, and your kids won't be left with burdens from your mistakes.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will teach you the skills that will make your marriage great

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't want to resent my wife

Dear Dr. Romance:  

I read your article "Attitude Adjustment" and some of the things you said really resonated.  In recent years, I have found myself developing more and more resentment  toward my wife (who thinks very differently than I do). I want to dissolve  this resentment. I have no interest in divorce, and I am smart enough to know that I can't change her. What I want to do is find a way to think differently so that the things she does, doesn't do, says, and doesn't say don't bother me so much.

Dear Reader:

Good for you for wanting to get past your resentment and create a working relationship with your wife. Resentment comes from expectations that are based on fantasy of what your relationship should be, rather than discovering realistic ways of bridging your gaps. A big challenge of marriage is learning to accept each other as you are and work together to bring out the best in each other.

Yes, you can change the way you think about and react to your wife. I recommend you begin with the following articles: "Anger: Cleansing Squall or Hurricane?"  gives you tools to understand your anger and change it into something more effective.   "Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude"encourages you to transform your outlook and shows you how.  "Learning Forgiveness" will help you let go of old resentment. with  "Mirrors and Teachers"  you can learn and grow from what irritates you,    "Relationships 101: Do Opposites Attract?"  helps you negotiate the differences that are common between partners and "Stop Reacting and Start Relating"  gives you steps for changing dysfunctional patterns you have developed between you.  Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences is full of exercises and guidelines for you to do singly and as a couple.

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am on MAJOR pain pills.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am a 49 year old disabed vet, chest injury in pain 24/7. I am on MAJOR pain pills.  Have not had sex with wife since one day I pulled her pants down and found a river of a substance that looked like human ejaculate but smelt like beer. Six months later she said it was a female discharge, I have checked with three nurses all have said it had to be ejaculate.

We sleep on a king size bed never touching unless she tries to push me out. About a yr ago 'while she was sleeping' she grapped my penis and YANKED it till it went popping noise then she said worthless and rolled over and started snoring again. Since that moment I have not been able to ejaculate. I can still get a little hard but then have to pee. Any advise?  We have two grown kids.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry to hear about your pain and injury. I hope you will go to the Veteran's Administration for help. I can read signs of post-traumatic stress in what you write.

Your relationship with your wife sounds way too hostile. No healthy sex can happen in such an angry atmosphere.  I have no way of judging what's real in what you're telling me, and what's your displaced anger from your pain and trauma. Please contact the Veteran's Administration and tell them you think you have PTSD.

They know a lot more about how to help you than they did when you were injured. In the meantime, you'll get some help from  "Anger Management" "Drama, Trauma, and Time Travel" "From Struggling to Solving" and What Is A Dysfunctional Relationship?   How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together
will help you learn better relationship skills.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Every time I think about him it just hurts

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm hoping you can offer some advice. I recently fell in love with a guy going through a divorce. We weren't together for ages but I feel like it was. He was separated About 10 months when we started dating and he had confessed to having a crush on me for a really long time.

He recently decided he misses his daughter too much and is giving up his career and life and moving interstate to be closer to her. She is only 8 and the ex wife took her away. He won't 'allow' me to even think about following him.

I wonder if that's a sign he really wasn't that into me.... I just want to know so I know whether or not I should fight. Every time i think about him going it just hurts. Are there clear signs? Am i fighting a lost battle? Or am I being selfish, is this a journey as a parent he needs to take by himself? Love sucks....! 

Dear Reader:

Trust your hunch. I think he was living out a fantasy, but found the price was way too high -- loss of his family and daughter.

I'm sorry, but this is a big risk with men who haven't completed their divorces and aren't settled into being fully divorced. They try to ease their emotional pain with fantasy sex. You need to grieve and move on.  "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" will help you get over this loss. "Stupid Cupid" will help you find love that does not suck. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you avoid pitfalls like this and find a real relationship.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr Romance: 3 Tips to Living with Someone instead of Marriage

Dr Romance’s 3 tips for living with someone instead of marriage:

It's way too easy, in the throes of a new romance, to decide to live together without considering the problems that might arise. Dr. Romance gives you some things to think about before making the leap, to guarantee success.

When dating and getting to know each other are going well, it’s easy to make a big decision from all the energy, or for the wrong reasons. Moving in together for the wrong reasons, or without advance planning, can jeopardize the whole relationship; so do it thoughtfully.

1. Make sure you know what your agreement is: Treat your living together situation as if you were non-romantic roommates. Before you move in together, discuss what living together means. Is it a commitment? Discuss your lifestyles – is one of you tidier? If one or both of you have children, who gets to discipline? How will you divide the space? If the home belongs to one of you, how will you equalize the living areas? You need to know the answers before the move.

2. Know what to do if there’s trouble: Make some agreements about what to do if you don’t agree on things, or if one of you feels that it’s not working out. You can agree on someone to use as a mediator or counselor. If you’re really excited about each other, this may seem unnecessary, but no matter how much you love each other, you can still get stuck in an impasse.

3. Get clear on your finances: Moving in together automatically makes you financially entangled. Decide beforehand who pays what expenses, and what happens if someone wants to spend more on food than the other. Will you share rent and utilities equally?

Adapted from: Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: How do I handle jealousy?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Just read a fine article of yours from a link off the internet, and was wondering your best recommendation of the books you've wrote for jealousy and suspicious minds in a marriage with no real proof? 

Dear Reader:

 "Handling the Green-Eyed Monster" will help you sort things out. How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together gives you tips and tools for working through jealousy issues.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My wife is reading romance novels

Dear Dr. Romance

For many many years, i have been the income earner for our 4 kids and my wife while she was home raising the kids.  Day in day out I was working sometimes three jobs. I got into a career that took 10-15 hrs per day for the first three years - the money was great and I thought everything was going awesome especially since everyone was enjoying spending my money on lavish things.

Then my wife started taking courses in night school with her friend. Dressing nicely, make up the whole bit...for school? Then one course led to another, and she took some with my eldest daughter as well. Then one day i noticed that she was getting emails from a classmate who was male.  It was pretty personal stuff like "what do you want to do with your life?" type questions.

I also found that she was reading tons of romance novels. we had it out, cried lots, and mended our relationship.  She said i was always cranky and in bad moods.  I guess from being tired, working always and coming home to a messy house and lazy teens did that to me. Anyway, she said she was going to stop reading romance, because it bothered me so much, and that she wouldn't email any "guys" from class.

1 yr went by and things have been awesome...until i found some new romance novels. They disturb me because they are fake, about affairs, etc...why read them? I confronted her and she said she would never stop reading them. It bothers me so much that she won't stop reading them.  I feel belittled that she is reading about hunky guys and sex.  I stopped Facebook, I stopped the occasional drink of beer, I stopped lots of things because it bothers her, but she can't stop the one thing that bothers me. I've even said, I don't care what your read, just not that filth. It makes me feel bad. What to do?

I know she is not cheating because we are always around each other; unless she is occasional teaching at the school which she did lots of this past year. Help! Am I nuts, or do you see a problem?

Hi, Jason:

Awesome for you may not be awesome for her. You are obviously an excellent provider, and most women want that, but when good providing means you neglect your wife, marriages tend to suffer. Romance novels are a women's version of porn, because women are not turned on by sex, but by romantic attention.

She's trying to get from books what she's not getting from you. The problem these books create is that real life can never live up to the romance novel version, so the books (like porn) can become addictive.

Your wife isn't feeling loved, wanted, needed.  She probably feels pressured, controlled and not respected.  She's somewhat emotionally immature, in that she's not recognizing her own needs and coming to you asking to fix the problem. Instead, she's escaping into romance novels to get her "fix" of affection and attention. Your own emotional immaturity shows in that you don't realize when you're being neglectful and cranky, and take charge of fixing that.

You and your wife need to have another "have it out" session, although I think it would work better just to say "I realize you're not happy, and I want to know what I can do about it." Read a couple of romance novels yourself, to see what she's looking for. I recommend couples counseling: use the "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  to find a good therapist.  "Apology and Forgiveness" will show you how to take responsibility for your part in the problem.  "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" contains guidelines you and your wife can use to solve your problems together and "Lighten Up - Cures for Marital Boredom" contains suggestions for adding some excitement and passion back into your relationship.

How to be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together has the guidelines you need to begin to listen and accept each other as you are.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: How do I convince my family I'm serious about him?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm 17 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We have grown up together and he is all I know. We are very mature when it comes to our relationship and our sex life. I want to spend the rest of my life with him but there's a problem. I have made many mistakes in my past and have hurt him so many times. When I almost lost him I decided to change my ways and make him happy the way he deserves.

Although he forgave me, he can't stop thinking about it and often gets upset or angry. It haunts him all the time even though he believes I have changed. How can I help him? I just want him happy. Also how do I convince my friends and family that I'm serious with him? How long do I have to be with him for people to realize this isn't a teenage fling? After 6 years of being together I'm 2 months from turning 18 and I want to marry him with support of all the people I love but who doubt us.  

Dear Reader:

I'm guessing that you and your boyfriend have fought and split up a lot. Your whole family has observed this, and they don't believe the relationship is stable and secure, so they worry about you.

You say you're both very mature, but I have my doubts. You're trying to do very grown-up things, so you must act like a grown-up. I hope you have realized that once you break trust in your relationship, it takes a lot of time to repair. You have to decide if you're going to be a kid or an adult, and stop messing around. "Stupid Cupid" will explain what you need to know to have an adult relationship; "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will help you learn how to work together,  and "Keys to a Happy Relationship" covers every essential area of your relationship.  Read them and share them with your boyfriend. When the two of you settle into a truly committed relationship, your family will be much more likely to  recognize it and support you.  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free will give you tools and guidelines for creating a healthy relationship.

 

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance wishes you a Happy 2020

Dr. Romance wishes you Happy New Year 2020

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance Happiness Tip: A Year of Peace

Dr. Romance writes:

Happy New Year, everyone!  This is the time when a lot of energy is spent on making resolutions, most of which we don’t manage to keep. So, this year, especially given recent tragic events,  I propose a different kind of resolution. Will you join me in resolving to create a year of peace?

Peace begins inside yourself. When you can remain calm even though things are not going well, or someone is being annoying, or you’ve been severely disappointed, you’re beginning to create a more peaceful world. When you can be kind, caring and walk away from things and people that are upsetting; rather than challenging, being defensive or getting even; you’re creating peace where there might have been conflict. When you spend some time relaxing, meditating, cuddling up or doing what you love, you’re creating a mental and physical experience of peace that lowers your blood pressure, reduces your stress, heals your body, and opens your creativity. When inner peace reigns, it spreads outward from yourself to your friends and family; and even strangers. Your calm and caring interior creates “vibes” that are soothing and comforting to those around you.

If you can smile at the grocery cashier after the previous customer was cranky, or touch your dear one’s hand when things get edgy, or call a friend who’s going through a struggle just to say you understand; you’re creating a more peaceful family and community.

Peaceful communities work together to accept and help each other. When neighbors rally to bring food and medicine to a friend who is ill; when we all work together to fix a local problem or pass some beneficial community laws, or just say a friendly “Hi” or pass the time of day with our neighbors; we’re creating a more trusting and peaceful society.

When we take care to make thoughtful political choices, with an eye to what is good for our neighbors as well as ourselves, and consideration for the future as well as today; in response to reasoned thinking rather than reaction to agitated commercials, we are creating a more peaceful world. When we follow the old precept to ‘think globally; act locally’ we’re creating conditions for world peace and prosperity. Happiness is not so much getting what we want as it is acting and thinking in ways that nurture connections and harmony. Within the nurturing environment we create, love and happiness can flow and grow.

The Shape of Peace

How shall we know when peace is here to stay?
How can we grow in peaceful, loving ways?
When will the struggle be transformed into the dance?
Can faith be strong enough to take the chance?

        Chorus: Hold out your hand and touch the shape of peace
        And side by side we’ll watch the struggle cease
        The Hand of God will touch and heal the breach
        When we are one, when we have learned
        The shape of peace

The shape of peace is in the silent stars
That dance in time to Power beyond ours
We can’t escape, we cannot shout it down
After the battle, the silence is profound.

© 2001 Words and music by Tina B. Tessina

May we all be blessed with The Spirit of Peace ~ Within ourselves, Within our lives, Within the world. Wishing you a A Blessed and Peaceful 2020

Adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together  

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I threw temper tantrums, broke things, yelled and demanded a divorce

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm a middle eastern single mother in my late twenties. suffering from depression and stress. As a child, I always wanted extra care and attention from my parents.  I was closer to my father than my mother. When I was molested by an uncle, I complained to my parents but they did nothing.  I used to cut myself and cry at night.

I met my ex husband online, a man from another mid-eastern country, and we fell in love and got married. We had a daughter, but the marriage didn't last long and we divorced. When he didn't give me the attention and love I wanted, I threw temper tantrums, broke things, yelled and demanded a divorce. He was too much into his friends and work. He had no time for me and my daughter. I was living away from my home country, and was homesick. I had no family or friends there. I fought to visit my family at home, and he didn't like it.  He divorced me via email while I was visiting my family in my country.  I tried to get him to stop, but he didn't listen me.

It's been 3 yrs now since the divorce. My four year old daughter lives with me. I am in school for a better future, but I feel abused and rejected. I get upset when he calls to talk to my daughter, and he talks about hoping to marry someone else; when he says I didn't truly love him and I left him; and when my daughter asks why he don't live with us. I don't understand why he has a right to see his daughter every year and talk on the phone. I know it's unfair, but I want to get away from him. I still have feelings for him, although I know he doesn't care.  When I try to get to know some other man, I compare him to my ex, find an excuse to end the relationship. I don't know what to do, please help me.

Dear Reader:

Your main problem is not with your ex husband, or other men, it's with yourself. I'm very glad you're studying to better your life. You have leftover issues from your childhood, and you need to work through those as soon as possible. Read "Comforting the Little Orphan Girl" and "Drama, Trauma and Time Travel"  to begin your self-healing process.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will give you more in-depth help in healing.  

As you develop emotional maturity, you will be able to handle your abandonment issues in a more effective way, instead of chasing other people away with your emotional outbursts. Unresolved abandonment issues will cause you to chase after people who do not care about you. Once they are resolved, you will be able to think more clearly and choose better people to be with.

If your ex is a good father and cares about his daughter, you should not let your jealousy stand in the way of their relationship. Your daughter should not be punished for what your parents did or did not do. Instead of desperately searching for another relationship, turn within and develop a good, healthy relationship with yourself. Let the neglected and abused little girl inside you know she is safe now, that you'll take care of her, and learn to keep her and yourself safe.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr Romance Happiness Tip: Give Yourself a Gift

Dr. Romance writes:

Want to give yourself a holiday gift that will last the rest of your life? Try giving yourself the gift of happiness.

Research shows that happiness and satisfaction depend more on the inner person than on external circumstances. The secret to living a happy life is to get in charge of your life and what you are doing. Then you can build the life you want.

As children, we are strongly influenced by the opinions of others, and what you learn in early childhood can run your life until you understand it and take control of your own ideas and decisions. What is it that you have always wanted to do? Have you been telling yourself you can’t, or that you don’t deserve it? What would happen if you decided to give yourself what you’ve always wanted? Look at your own life and your decisions from a different and valuable perspective. The decisions you make today affect the rest of your life, and you are ultimately the only person to whom you are accountable and for whom you are responsible. Every new decision is truly a new life's resolution. According to recent brain studies, the brain chemical oxytocin is released when there's positive contact with others (or even with oneself) and serotonin, which has a more physical connection.

To increase your happiness, serotonin levels can be raised by:

* physical activity (try ballroom dancing, yoga, belly dancing, swinging on a swing),

* meditation (in an aromatherapy bath, with scented candles or oils, sitting in a lovely outdoor setting, or with special music)

You can also raise oxytocin levels with

* comforting touch (a massage, a cuddle session with pets, kids, spouse or even just wrapping up in a snug, furry blanket, or rubbing your skin with silk or scented lotion)

* loving interaction (a warm exchange with a close friend, family member or child, writing a love letter, working together on a family project, snuggling while watching video or laughing together)

Research  shows that the happiest and healthiest people are those who are well connected to friends and family.

"The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved", wrote Victor Hugo. He knew there are more kinds of love than romance and marriage.

No matter what is happening in your romantic life, the solid presence of good friends and family can lift your spirits, fill your days, and give you the support you need for your romantic relationship. Not only does it take a "village" (community) to raise a child, but in our mobile and fast paced society, a sense of community, family and connectedness helps us to function more effectively as adults in all phases of life.

According to current studies, people who have a healthy family and social life are happier and more long lived. By creating family feelings in several areas of your life, you'll have the joy of the give and take of friendship, anytime you want.

As you look back on your life, you are likely to feel best about the good things you did for others and the positive contributions you have made to your friends and family. Perhaps life will present you with an opportunity to give back to friends. Being there in times of need, helping out in times of illness or bereavement, or just being a sympathetic listener when a friend is stressed can be more valuable to them than you imagine.

You'll create blessings for yourself when you share your rituals, holidays, laughter and information. Welcome friends who are alone into your family's good times. Give yourself the gift of laughter, fun and happiness. I wish you all the holiday joys you can dream of.

For more about this: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: He always calls, and we do the same thing over again.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I've been with this man over thirty years back and forth. Something always seems to happen and we end up apart again. He ends up getting married and yet though living states apart he always ends up calling and we do the same thing all over again.

This time we got closer then ever before and bam! He is now married living in another state. I'm in the state where the two of us were to live happily ever after. After six months of him texting me and me not responding I answered him one night. He has now been calling me for eight months. He doesn't talk about leaving her. He doesn't really ever bring her up. He asks if I miss him and tells me he misses me. What's going on?

He truly is the love of my life. And I want him back! There is much more to this story but its 32 years long.

Dear Reader:

I hate to have to tell you this, but you are his "backup plan."

This man won't commit to you, because he doesn't think you're the one for him, but he knows you'll always be there when his more attractive options don't pan out. He makes you think he cares, but he's always got his radar out looking for someone else. You have to let go.

Do you recognize him in this description?

If your guy never wants to make a definite date (would you like to go out Friday night?) and just wants to come over to your house on the spur of the moment, he doesn't make an effort to keep in touch (you should not be making all the effort) and he doesn't seem to think about the future, he's probably just using you as "reserve" and not really interested (either in you or in commitment).

To create a healthy relationship, you need a different kind of guy.

*Don't look for the surface stuff. Handsome is as handsome does. Find a guy with character, which you're more likely to find out if you are socially involved with him before you are personally involved with him.

*Don't be too easily available. Your interaction should be like a tennis match. He volleys, then you do. Never send a lot of shots over the net in a row.

Having a backup girl is pure Narcissism on the man's part, coupled with insecurity that he won't find his "ms. right." (Yes, Narcissists are insecure) It's linked to a fear of commitment, but even more to a view of women as "sources of narcissistic supply" -- women as ego-gratification. That's why no one woman is enough. These men regard women as possessions, trophies, not as people. The man is only looking from his own point of view and has no empathy or real capacity for love or commitment.

If you're looking for a commitment, avoid these men at all costs. It's OK to date more than one man until you find one who is as willing to commit to you as you are to him. Keep looking around until you find a "keeper." Be cautious when online dating, where men get the impression that the supply of women is endless, and they don't have to earn a relationship. Instead, get socially active in groups and clubs, classes and sports, and meet people face to face. You're more likely to be able to tell the difference between a good guy and a good advertiser.

Most of these men don't want the woman to know she's a fallback, because they know if she knows her status, she'll probably disappear.

Some of them just don't want to be a bad guy, or hurt her feelings; not realizing that keeping her on reserve hurts worse. I think most guys are OK, they really don't want to be bad guys, they just also don't always want to step up to the plate. Most of the time women who engage with other men while the one who has them on reserve gets himself together improve in his estimation and become more valuable. He will respect her, and he may come back again and again; but he also may not change his spots. Some guys won't commit no matter how valuable they think the woman is.

 "You Be the Judge" will help you learn to use better judgment when considering men as partners, and  The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty  shows you how to get your life in better order.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm a single mother, and I feel I'm past my prime.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm a 23 year old single mother and believe me when I say my life has been crazy and very rough. I have no relationship with the father of my child. He's pretty much abandoned our four year old son after his 1st birthday. He doesn't help out, and blames everything on me, so I don't even speak with him anymore. 

During my pregnancy I was very lucky to find the love of my life. We were so in love and he accepted my son as his own, but he turned into a real jerk 6 months after my son was born. We tried to stick it out, but I couldn't trust him and after several attempts he used my flaws as an excuse to break my heart after all the hard work and counseling I had been through to keep us together.

I do not regret my son and I love him very much. I try my best to do everything to make him happy and keep him healthy. I also don't like to date much because I don't have much of a sitter and I don't like bringing men I don't know around my son. 

I keep finding crappy men that seem great until a few months down the road you find out they're liars, cheaters, users, or all of the above.  Last year I lost my job and have headed back to finish my college degree and in the past 2 years have been working on making myself happy and not others.

Last year I met a very wonderful and sweet guy. He was slightly younger, and very immature at times. He referred to his own child as the  "bastard child" jokingly, but I didn't think it was funny.  We live about 80 miles apart.

A few months after casually dating I realized I was bitter and he may actually be a decent guy. I told him I wanted to take a break and a vow of completely celibacy for myself. He agreed and told me he supported me and still wanted to see me. I explained that seeing him could make it hard for me and that I'd appreciate if he could just give me some time to clear my mind and figure out what I really wanted, but he took this as a sort of rejection, and we got into an argument.  He really hurt my feelings and I hurt his, but we continued to talk almost daily after a week or so of silence.

After about 6 months of talking via phone/internet and I felt more of a connection, I realized I had feelings for him and wanted to start having sex again and I told him I wanted to be with him and not anyone else he was resistant and defensive, but I realized I had hurt him.I tried to help him understand I wasn't playing games and I was genuinely interested.

We were finally  able to get together after more than a year. I got pregnant on one night with him, but neither of us is interested in having more children. It was extremely stressing and emotional, but we made our decision and he helped me go through with it. This caused another rift between us, and I thought it was over, but we got back together.  

I feel that all we have is a casual relationship, with great sex which we didn't really have in the beginning. I like to think that perhaps because my feelings have grown that's why the sex is better. I don't feel a spark and there isn't much romance. He's not very affectionate and I want to  start up some affectionate foreplay, but I don't do it. I don't understand myself, or him at this point.

He tells me that he cares about me and "has love" for me, and wouldn't drive all this way just to have sex, but that's how it feels. I made a comment to him last time he was here about not kissing or touching me much, and he made an effort, but it was temporary.

I don't know what we're doing here. I'm so confused. I know I care for him, I just don't know to what extent. I want to just talk it all out, but sometimes he gets very emotional and upset and I feel like I'm hurting him. Other times he acts like everything I say is stupid and he blocks it out. Frankly, I feel as if I am already past the prime of my life.

Dear Reader:

You're very young to have all this responsibility.  You probably made a good decision about your son's father. Some day, your son will have a lot of questions about him, and it's important that you tell your son the truth and then let him contact his father if he wants to. He will have to learn for himself that his dad is not reliable.

It's very good that you are cautious about bringing men around your son. He should not really know about your dating and sex life.  "Dating Guidelines for Single Parents" will help you keep him safe.

As to men, It does take a few months to find out a person's character. If you want a healthy relationship, you need to be somewhat suspicious of your feelings, and use your head and  "You Be the Judge" will show you how to  do that. Going to school and working on yourself are very good goals. Stick to them.  Taking a break to clear your mind was a good idea.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you with the healing you still need to do.

Sex often grows better over time as you get to know each other and relax. Sex is a very small (although important) part of a relationship, and it's common for "the spark" to be gone  as soon as you feel comfortable.  That's OK, you can still enjoy sex, and being close to each other.  If you worry less about this relationship, and just enjoy it, it may grow into what you want.  

"Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will help both of you learn to work together to build a lasting relationship.  Discuss the points in  "Stupid Cupid"  to create functional  communication between you.  can be. Keep this relationship limited to just dating until you get to see what's really going on.  Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will give you  a more balanced picture of what relationships are about.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I am worried about marrying him

Dear Dr. Romance:

I was reading your article "When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships" and need your advice. My boyfriend of 5 years is quite selfish and literally a narcissist. He never did anything as a gesture of love except for buying calling cards to call me from overseas. We fought numerous times and patched up. Now we are planning to get married this year. He will be coming to my place as I have a stable job.

I actually am worried about my decision. My head and sixth sense tell me that this marriage may be another disaster as I was married before. I am also worried about my parents. What if he dictates about what I do for my family? He spends for himself. but for no one else, except his own family members. I am afraid. He is a firm believer that he is always right. another alarming trait!! his attitude over the yrs has brought some negative reactions in me as well. I find myself getting irritated, complaining and fighting.

I want to get out of this vicious cycle.  Please shed some light on this so that I don't suffer anymore. how can I be always wrong and am complaining if there is no good reason?

Dear Reader:

I am very concerned also. I'm wondering why you're even considering marrying a man you consider so selfish and uncaring. I don't know about your culture -- is this an arranged marriage? if not, I can't imagine what keeps you stuck and contemplating digging an even deeper hole for yourself. You say he won't provide for you, he's uncaring, and perhaps even controlling. So why stay with him? Unless there are some good reaons for staying with him that you haven't told me, I recommend you leave, and ask yourself why you chose to stay this long with an unsuitable partner.  "You Be the Judge" will help you stand your ground.  The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before 40 will help you make good decisions about your life and your relationships.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on: Am I too old to date again?

Dr. Romance writes: In today's world, people don't often realize the importance of companionship until later in life. Staying fit and physically and socially active increases your odds of finding someone to date, and also increases your libido and your chances of successful sex. But, beware of too much focus on the surface, and not enough content. Such relationships quickly become empty and stressful.

Older couples have many issues to work out while dating. They are established, with clear likes and dislikes, and may have difficulty reaching agreement on lifestyle issues. They often have grown families, who may have trouble accepting a parent's or grandparent's dating. They also have relationship experience, and a widow or widower, for example, may have trouble getting beyond the previous marriage, and dealing with a different person.  The media focus on youth and fitness these days can make anyone feel insecure and unattractive. 

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  shows you how to use the "get a life" method of pursuing your interests in a group fashion. Taking classes, supporting causes, or getting involved in civic, church or social groups will keep you interested, socially connected, and give you a chance to find someone with whom you have something in common.   Focus on activities that you enjoy (sports, classes, or political, social, charitable or religious activities ) which involve meeting other people and creating a social circle.  

If you are doing things that are meaningful to you, you'll automatically have something in common with anyone you meet there. It will also move your focus from desperation to something productive, which will bring out your most attractive character traits. As a bonus, you also get to observe that person around other people, which will tell you a lot about his/her character. Dating doesn't happen until you are already quite sure you two are mutually compatible and interested, and success is almost guaranteed.

Dr. Romance’s 3 tips to finding true love

1. Know the difference between fooling around and building a real relationship. You can mess around with anyone (if you’re careful and have safe sex) but before you bring someone into your life, or share money or living space, remember they’re bringing baggage. Know what’s hidden – what’s not said at the beginning. Their baggage becomes your problem. Remember, whoever you’re dating is on best behavior. It gets worse later, not better.

2. Understand your own needs. Need a lot of space? Want lots of affection? Have to know what’s going on all the time? Or are you able to relax and go with the flow? Whatever your style is, it’s OK, but you need to know it and be able to communicate it to your future spouse. You can train each other, if you both know what you need.

3. Don’t seek romance, seek partnership. Romance is for dates, and fun to have on occasion in your marriage, but it’s partnership that will get you through the rough times. Don’t look for someone who sweeps you off your feet. That indicates a control freak, and you won’t like what happens later. Look for someone who likes give-and-take, who seeks your opinion and considers it, who cares about what you want, too.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I love a deaf girl with all my heart

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am confused I am dating a deaf girl and I love her with all my heart.  The problem is she likes to party sleeping around and in the community they have noticed it.  They  keep complaining about deaf gals but sometimes I want to cry coz I love that girl so much.  

Dear Rufus:

I understand you love her, but does she love you? Are you both deaf? If you're not deaf, can you speak American Sign with her?

Often, women are promiscuous until they find a guy they want to be faithful to. The same is true for guys. Maybe she doesn't share your feelings, maybe she's not ready to settle down. At any rate, it's too soon to get too focused on her.

Why not see if you can be just her friend until she decides she wants to be more serious in her life?  "Stupid Cupid"  "Relationships 101: Do Opposites Attract?"  and "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  will help you understand what it takes to create a relationship. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you want to find someone you can really love.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: How Can I Trust Her Not to Do It Again?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I wanted to get your reaction to something; what would it mean to you if someone said to you "So maybe I quit on our relationship." Yes my wife said this to me right before I left on deployment and I have been having a hard time dealing with it.

When I came home for R+R leave she admitted that she had quit but blamed on the fact that she didn't feel like I had shown her love by complimenting her enough. She has developed a real insecure streak and I have to tell her how good she looks all the time or she starts yelling at me.

I don't know where this all comes from and I have a real question in my mind, if a person can quit on me once can I trust them not to do it again? 

Dear Reader:

You two seem to focus on frightening each other. I know the separation is hard, and that probably adds to your own and your wife's insecurity. What you need to focus on is making your relationship as loving and enjoyable as possible. Stop worrying about her "quitting" on you. She got discouraged, but she's doing better now. Focus on telling her you love her, and asking her to tell you the same. "How to Be Irresistible to Your Mate"  will help you add more reassurance and sweetness to your marriage, and "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" will help both of you stop scaring each other. How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will help both of you learn needed relationship skills.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com