Dr. Romance(TM) Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: Will my self-improvement end my relationship?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Yesterday I purchased your book It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

  I plan to read it intently and to complete the exercises with self-honesty and motivation. I have a few questions, though, which I need to preface with a short synopsis of my situation.

I'm a 45-year-old divorced woman who has been dating a similarly-aged man for over three years. This man is not without his flaws, of course, but is someone with whom I share a solid friendship, have a ton of respect for, and genuinely love.

Unfortunately, I'm a hair's-breadth away from irreparably ruining this relationship. A few days ago I pinpointed why: I lack the ability to exhibit the empathy and compassion necessary to sustain a mature relationship. I recognize no one's needs but my own; I fight to win; I offer solutions while dismissing feelings; etc., etc., etc. I believe that my shortcomings arise not from some inherent defectiveness, but from long-standing habits which I developed to survive my childhood and to thereafter fight against my past and "make something of myself" as an adult. Accordingly, I also believe that with a bit of work  (i.e., the assistance of your book)  I can become the empathic partner (person) I'd like to be.

But I have three questions for you. The first, I realize, can only be answered hypothetically: Do you think I can stop my destructive patterns quickly and effectively enough to ensure I won't cause additional damage to my already-rocky relationship, or would you advise me to be on my own until I'm confident I will no longer engage in these behaviors?

Second, do you think it's realistically possible for one to successfully establish -- and maintain -- new patterns in a relationship that's been in a dysfunctional "groove" for years? And my third question is along the same line: I know it's possible, but is it probable that my self-improvement will actually end the relationship? In other words, doesn't the drama, tension, and sabotage that I bring to this relationship have some payoff for him? And if so, isn't it likely that as I become healthier he'll unconsciously "ramp up" his own baggage (for lack of a better word) to keep things at status quo?

Thanks a lot for your help.

Dear Reader:

Good for you! You have made the first, big step: taking responsibility for your behaviors, thoughts, and words. I am proud of you for that. Here are the answers to your questions:

Stopping your old behavior won't be instant, but if you tell your partner what you told me, and let him know you see the need for change, and are working on it, he might be patient enough to hang in there with you. If he does still care enough to give you a chance, and he then sees that you are changing, that should be enough to keep him involved. Because you need to change your patterns in relationship to him, I don't think leaving would help.

Yes, I know it's possible to successfully establish and maintain new patterns in a relationship. I see it every day in my counseling practice. Each of you has overcome other bad habits in life, and learned new behaviors. You can do this, too. Often, the reason we keep doing what doesn't work is that we don't have a clue what will work better.  The realization that you need to change is the most important part.  Now that you're getting a clue, you'll see that the new behaviors work well enough to be self-motivating.

You are wise to consider that your self-improvement will actually end the relationship; it's all a normal part of change, and part of the rocky road you go through to create lasting change. Yes, this relationship might not survive the change process, and it's even possible that as you make changes, you'll start to see his involvement in the "sabotage:"  damaging a relationship takes two. Whatever happens, you're telling me that this relationship is damaged and not likely to last as it is, so it will either improve or end. Even if it ends, you'll have learned much better relating skills and techniques, and improved your relationship with yourself (which is what your relationship with anyone else is based on) so all future relationships will work better. That means, if this doesn't work out, you'll be better equipped to find the right partner and develop a healthy relationship. Doing this work means you can't lose -- the outcome is always better.

How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together  will teach you and your partner the skills you need to be happy together.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance on The Colors of You

Dr Romance writes:

As life develops, many of us have an urge to focus on the deeper issues: our dreams and goals, and our emotional and spiritual development.  When this happens, life gradually becomes more about meaning and satisfaction and less about obligations and accomplishments.  As you mature, you can focus on living the life you always wanted to live, tempered by the wisdom you have gained through your experiences. Up to this point, your life may have been centered around other peoples’ wants, and  the demands of work, home and family, and while those  responsibilities continue, this is the time to bring your personal dreams into reality.   It’s time to consider what you want to do for yourself.

You have learned many things about yourself throughout your life.  You know how you deal with success, with work, with financial decisions, with family, friends and with your relationships.  But how much attention have you paid to your relationship with yourself?  To make your dreams come true, you must turn within to discover what will make you happy.

To me, this deeper look at life is like moving from black and white to color: as when Dorothy steps out of the house after the tornado, and finds she’s in Munchkinland.  Suddenly, everything is brighter, more beautiful, and even a little strange.

This new palette of more colors, deeper responses to life, and more intimate knowledge of yourself gives you an opportunity to re-create yourself, to  be and do all the things you’ve always dreamed of.  If you allow yourself to dream, to aspire, you will begin to plan, and once you have a plan, you can begin taking steps to make it real.  Using our limited time on the planet for a purpose: to create something that is unique, special, and feels good to us is both exciting and satisfying.

Whether you've always wanted to heal the planet or just have time to walk in the woods, you don’t have to wait to do it.  You don't have forever on this planet, and you need to take advantage of your energy, wisdom, enthusiasm and vitality while you still have them.  Perhaps you want to learn to live more simply, or to get politically active; whatever your dream, simple or complex, if you allow it to emerge, you can find the strength and skills to actualize it.

As a child in Sunday School, you may have been taught “What I am is God’s gift to me, what I become is my Gift to God.” Think of yourself and your life as a gift you are giving.  As a result of your life experience you have become a marvelous package of talents and skills: these talents and skills are your gift. The skills you already possess may be enough to actualize your dream, and make the changes you want to make.  Learning to think positively about who you are, and therefore make the best of each of your traits and talents, will enable you to operate at your most powerful, and to be truly satisfied with the results.  Your talents, skills and wisdom are some of the many colors of you.

You may have always thought you were too quiet, or too talkative, too aggressive or too passive-- but what happens if you reevaluate “too quiet” to mean that you’re a good listener, or “too talkative” to mean you are an excellent communicator?  Traits you perceive as too aggressive can be considered leadership qualities, and “too passive” traits can mean you’re an excellent support or follow-up person.  When you think of personality traits as distinct colors in a palette you realize that each of the colors can be useful in the right circumstance.  Your favorite color may be blue, your least favorite orange, but you’ll find you can’t paint the sunset over the ocean without both.  You can stop looking at your character traits as “good “ or “bad,” but begin to evaluate them as tools you can use, or different colors for painting.  Now is the time to discover the colors of your own personal palette. From The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: he starts hollering and goes out of control

Dear Dr. Romance:

I hope you can be of help to me. My husband and I will be celebrating our 23rd anniversary next week - this is a 2nd marriage for both of us. I was widowed after 10 yrs of marriage and he was divorced after 10 yrs of marriage. All our children are grown and out of the house. The problem is; lately his controlling seems to have caught up to me - (didn't bother me as much in the past and tolerated it to "keep peace"). Recently, however, something came over me and I have decided that some changes have to take place. (me, as well, I guess) HE is a hollera! When I do not agree with him, or respond in the manner in which he expects, he starts hollering and goes out of control; usually walking away and eventually leaving the room entirely. Cannot DISCUSS anything calmly (that involves him and me). I typically feel that if I disagree w/him on most anything, he will be angered or at the least "bothered". Any thoughts or suggestions?

Dear Reader:

Unfortunately, you've aided and abetted this temper-tantrum thrower for 23 years, so changing now is still possible, but not easy.  the best thing for you to do is to get therapy for yourself, the therapist will coach you in how to modify his behavior. Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed will teach you to how to respond more effectively to your husband and kids.   "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" and "How Not to Fight"  for tools to make changes in your marriage.  Try discussing things with him via notes or e-mail, so he can't holler at you when he reads them. Be clear and concise in your writing, and stay calm.  Treat his temper tantrums as you did your children -- be sure they don't get him any result.

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed  can teach you and your husband to work together and stop fighting.

.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: When younger sisters say hurtful things

Dear Dr. Romance

My sister is 2 years younger and not long after my Dad died, I thought we should sit down and talk about things that needed to be done.  She is the executor and took offense, accusing me of getting between her and Dad.  Then, when my Mom got sick, she also got angry at everything I tried to do to help out.

When we were leaving the hospital after Mom's surgery, she lost it and started shouting and talking to me like I was an idiot.  I kept walking out of the hospital to get to the car.  She wanted to walk me to the car and I told her no thanks; didn't want to be anywhere near her. 

Things seem a little better, but we are avoiding each other.  Too bad, because Mom may not live long and it makes me sick knowing that, even though my Mom appreciates my being with her, I am not welcomed.

I am also a breast cancer survivor and the fact that my Mom's second diagnosis came 30 years later is not sitting well with me.  So I am trying to put my needs first and taking care of myself around my sister, but also feel compelled to take care of my Mom. 

Dear Reader:

Many difficult family dynamics emerge when a parent dies.  It can be very scary, because your parents are just before you in line for aging and death, and it's frightening to watch them go. Your sister obviously has some unfinished business: it sounds like she feels competitive with you.  Maybe she thinks that your parents loved you best, which is common with a younger sibling.

Don't let your sister's issues come between you and your mother. It would be very helpful if you and your sister could go for counseling.  The hospital will probably have a referral for grief counseling.  This is your sister's grief talking, and both of you need help dealing with it. 

"Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" will help you understand what's happening. "Mirrors and Teachers" will give you skills for handling interactions with your sister.    It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will explain the family dynamics that you and your sister are reenacting.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I googled him, he has a criminal record

Dear Dr. Romance:

A year ago I broke up with a guy who then stalked me.  I finally got rid of him, and then I found out he had a criminal record. I googled him, and found out he lives just a few miles away.  and he is currently in jail for four separate DUIs, resisting arrest, reckless driving, and probation violation! Bail has been denied. Needless to say, there is not a shred of doubt left in my mind that I did the right thing by cutting and running as soon as things started getting weird.

I am very upset that he is still, a year later, living so close. He probably won't come to my town, because he has outstanding warrants  here, but I can't be sure.  How can I keep myself safe? 

Dear Reader: 

I'm so glad you got out of that relationship. Googling is instructive, isn't it? Everyone should do it with anyone they've just met, and know nothing about. You may have gotten a restraining or protection order when you first broke up the relationship. If you did not, get one now. Ask your local police department what the procedure is in your community. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800)799-SAFE (7233) They will answer any questions you have about keeping yourself safe, and your call is confidential. Also, tell all your friends, family and neighbors to be aware of the problem. If you have a picture of this guy, show it to everyone, and tell them to call the police if he shows up anywhere near your home or work. If you have a protection or restraining order, he is breaking the law just by being too close to your home or work, so the police will take him in. Also, be sure they know he has outstanding warrants, it's another reason to arrest him.   "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship" will give you more details about how to be safe. 

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you the tools and information you need to understand how to find a date who can be a good partner. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on: Your Internal Weather System

Dr. Romance writes: The minute the weather gets a little hotter or colder or even foggier than usual, people in Southern California love to complain.  You could almost say we’re so used to mild conditions that we become afraid of what others would call “real” weather – we've become weather wimps. But there's another kind of weather that many people everywhere are wimpy about:  Internal weather.

Being afraid, ashamed of, or embarrassed by your feelings is like being afraid of the weather, because emotions (tears, panic attacks, angry outbursts, withdrawal, depression, elation, lust, romantic excitement, euphoria) are the weather conditions of the inner self.

Certainly there are weather conditions that are fearsome, such as hurricanes, earthquakes, floods, exploding volcanoes and fierce fires, and we need to control these if we can, and protect ourselves from them. But, like the weather, most emotional climate conditions are pretty mild. My clients have found it very helpful to use the metaphors of weather to understand how natural and normal all feelings are. Here are my thoughts on the basics of emotional weather. I’d love to hear your ideas and reactions.

Sunshine

Your smile lights up your face the way the sun lights our day. Smiles can come from behind clouds or after emotional storms. The smile signals that all is well, pressure is equalized and the coast is clear to be out and open and have some fun.

Rain

Like rain, tears can be stormy or just a light sprinkle, and feel angry, cold, dreary and sad, or even come through the sunshine. Rain often follows a change of weather pressure, and tears can be the result of release of inner tension. People frequently cry from relief that they've been heard or that they can see a solution where there appeared to be a problem. Those who suffer from a trauma or a loss normally cry a little after the first shock of finding out, as the awful pressure of the news is absorbed and the grief sets in. Rain first carries with it the dust suspended in the air, and then washes everything clean as it continues. Emotional rain, too, can first be painful, and then begin to bring release and clarity. A "good cry" is one that really lets go of the held feelings and continues until relief sets in.

Rainbows

When you allow the tears to flow until your natural smile returns, you will feel hopeful again -- hope is the rainbow of our internal climate. Like a rainbow, hope doesn't exist until the conditions are right -- after there has been a disappointment, and the disappointment has been accepted completely enough to let the sun shine once more. That smile, coming thorough sadness, brings with it a renewed feeling of hope.

Storms

Sometimes reluctance to express unhappiness or discomfort builds pressure that eventually releases in a rush, like a storm. Violent storms shake things up, just as strong anger does. Anger that is allowed to get out of control is as destructive as a hurricane, but anger that is expressed in healthy ways can "clear the air" just as a storm does. The aftermath of a healthy, not too violent storm allows us to appreciate the pleasures of calmness.

Cloudiness and fog

Emotionally, things are not always very clear. It’s normal to feel foggy and unsure, or depressed and dark from time to time. If you can remember it's just your emotional climate, and explore it to discover the cause, the fog will lift, the clouds will part, it may rain or storm a little, but the sun will eventually come out again. Normal depression that is not allowed to take its natural course, not opened up to let the fresh air in, can turn into emotional smog, or internal pollution.

Smog

Emotional smog, like the weather kind, is just the normal cloudy/foggy conditions with man-made junk added. We call it clinical depression. Everyone is down from time to time, but those who attack themselves when down, or have others around who pollute their internal atmosphere with criticism or shaming, become smog-bound, and can't clear up their internal atmosphere. Letting in the fresh air of interest and the warmth of emotional support allows the fog to lift, and the sun to come out again.

Internal Weather Report

If you try paying the same amount of daily attention to your internal conditions as you probably do to the weather report, and begin to regard your feelings as naturally as weather, you'll become much more emotionally comfortable. Like weather, your feelings are easier to accept and live with when you manage them, respond to them and don't try to resist them or deny them. If you understand your feelings as weather, you can have many lovely inner days.

Your sixth sense

Human attributes, we are taught, include five senses: sight, sound, taste, touch and smell. Only in science fiction do we read about a sixth sense, which is usually depicted as a psychic sense. If you think about it, however, your emotions are your real “sixth sense.” Just like your other five senses, your emotions register data about the external world. With your sight, your eyes take in data about colors, shapes and relative sizes of the things in the world around us. Touch tells us how things feel, how warm, cold, soft, hard, sharp or smooth they are. Your emotions tell you what others’ feelings are. We can sense, in an almost psychic way, how someone feels at a distance, without being told.

By comparing what our other senses tell us about others (smiles, frowns, tension, “prickly vibes,” relaxed breathing and an indescribable type of data we call empathy) with what we know about our own inner feelings, we draw conclusions about what other people are feeling. Without being told, we know when someone is angry, when someone has strong positive or negative feelings toward us, and when we are loved. With conscientious practice, people can improve their use of senses, such as being a wine taster, reading braille, refining your sense of color as an artist, or learning to tell different fabrics by texture. Certain people, such as psychotherapists and actors, practice and refine emotions until they can sense very small changes.

As a psychotherapist, I “read” my clients’ emotions and give them feedback to help them sort out emotional confusion. “You say you’re fine, but you appear to be angry,” I might say to someone who is disconnected from his feelings.

Sight is an external sense – we only see what’s outside us. Touch, however, is both internal and external. We can feel food go down our gullet, on occasion we can feel our own heartbeat, and we can feel muscle cramps and movement from inside the body.

Emotions are a sense that is simultaneously internal and external. To our emotions, it’s as if there’s no limit to our bodies, and our skin is transparent. We feel our feelings on the inside, and yet they reach out and touch people and tell us what they’re feeling, too. It is a type of psychic sense, especially to people who develop it. Just as your sight helps you navigate the roads, avoid obstacles, and choose the best route, your emotions are the sense that help you navigate the paths of relationships. If you are knowledgeable about your feelings, and your sensitivity to others’ feelings, you can be much more effective in all your relationships, maximizing your love, your intimacy, your emotional well-being, and your happiness.

Practicing emotion

You can refine and sensitize yourself to your feelings by “tracking” what you are feeling on a daily basis: Just stop a few times each day and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” Once you get comfortable with that, you can spend some time people watching, and guess what they might be feeling. You won’t know if you’ve guessed right unless you ask, but just practicing paying attention will sharpen your skills. (from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction ) © 2015 Tina B. Tessina

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I just missed her so much that I didn't know what to do.

Dear Dr. Romance

I am 36 and a single dad. For the first time I have met someone who I feel I could spend the rest of my life with. We were together for two months and I know she felt the same way, we both felt like best friends right away, she is also a single parent. Everything was incredible for weeks, us together and with the children. she is going through a divorce, she put a hold on the relationship, said she needed space, The fact that she's going through this divorce which took a nasty turn and also her son started to have lots of problems because his dad stopped coming around and his dad also threatened her if she is seeing anyone he would take her for custody.

I have been alone for a few years. This has gone on for 2 months now and I haven't seen her once. I feel devastated, so much so that I have done the opposite of what she has asked. I have texted emailed and sent letters telling her how much I care about her and miss her so much that it has pushed her away. She said she feels disrespected because I didn't give her and her son time to balance their lives before moving forward in a relationship. She's right but I just missed her so much that I didn't know what to do. She has been in abusive relationships and I am not that way I can't believe she cannot see its just because I miss her so much. I know she is being honest , she is a great person, very honest very involved with the church, she said she had second thoughts of being with a man who couldn't respect that she had to get her life together first. It was very hard being in middle of falling in love and then not seeing them for two months. What do i do?

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you're having trouble.  However, I can see why your lady friend is afraid of you.  You only considered how you were feeling, not what your e-mail avalanche would feel like to her.  You have some growing up to do, and you need a life. She has already had a man with impulse control problems, so you frightened her by being out of control.   You need friends and support, not just a partner.  I suggest you pour your energy into your own family, and get involved in some group activities. Try joining the PTA: it would be good for your own children, and you would be able to make friends.  There you can learn from other women how they would like to be treated.

Leave your lady friend alone.  Give her the space she needs. The Tennis Match: How to Balance the Power in Your Relationship will show you how to begin creating equality in your relationship. If you haven't frightened her too much, she'll be back when she gets her own life sorted out.  In the meantime, take a good, hard look at yourself, and start handling your own problems.  You can learn how to control your impulses in It Ends With You: Grow Up and  Out of Dysfunction and how to treat a woman you're dating in Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today It has a whole chapter on dating as a single parent.

         

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My son is having a substance abuse problem

Dear Dr. Romance:

My son is having a substance abuse problem.  It surfaced a few months ago, he promised to stop, and I just caught him using it again.  He just turned 18.  What can I do to help him?

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your son.   If he wants help, counseling and treatment can help him.  But the fact that he promised to stop and then you had to catch him again probably means he's not going to stop willingly.  Dealing with an addiction problem is tricky.  It turns things upside down.  What you think of as good parenting and helping behavior may make the problem worse. Why don't you make an appointment for yourself, so a therapist can get a clear picture of the whole situation, and you can find out what's going to be necessary on your part to get him to admit he's got a problem. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find  the right therapist. "To Help an Addicted Friend" will help you help your son.
 
If you can, get him right into Ala -Teen, and have him get a sponsor.  If that is sufficient, good.   If he needs a rehab program, the 12 step program and your family therapist will help you figure it out.  The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs will help you and your son understand the roots of addiction, why it is such a difficult problem, and how to heal it.  

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't want to bug her a lot and give her anxiety.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I need some advice about this person I have been having a crush on lately. So far, our friendship has been quite okay. I recently texted her a week ago and we seem to be okay. She is doing fine and I also been calling her. She exchanged numbers with me when she couldn't get access to her laptop computer at the University. I've call her two weeks ago and we talked until I had to go to class. Then I called in the middle of the night and we talked, and she told me that she was upset with her landlord and she got kind of frustrated. When is the best time to call her on the phone or e-mail her? I don't e-mail her too  much but I haven't been e-mailing her since about a month ago. Should I call her for another 3 days or a week? I don't want to bug her a lot and give her anxiety.

Dear Reader:

I think you've already annoyed her or made her anxious.  From now on, use a more balanced approach. "The Tennis Match" will help you understand how to find a rhythm with this girl or anyone else you want to get to know.  Every time you call her, don't call again until you get a return call from her.  That's the only way to make sure you're not being too pushy and keep the relationship from being one-sided.  Don't keep calling or  texting if she's not calling you back.  "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"  will give you a better idea of how to relate to a date, and how to find someone else if this doesn't work out. "Getting to Yes" will show you how to have a successful conversation.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today contains the steps, examples and exercises you need to find love.

   

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on The State of the Union Meeting

Dr Romance recommends couples increase their mutual respect and appreciation by having a regular "State of the Union" meeting. Here are two simple techniques you can use in all kinds of relationships: couples, families, even work partners and friends, to enhance your cooperation, tolerance and rationality, and to defuse conflict as soon as it arises.

Whether you are single, dating, married or have a family of your own, having a regular weekly meeting date to discuss the state of the relationship will make a tremendous difference in the emotional tenor of the relationship. If you’re blending a family from previous situations, you’ll find it makes a huge difference in your success.

When you have a regular chance to talk about what’s going on in the relationship, problems, resentment and frustration don’t get a chance to build. If you have children, every member of your family has a right to have his or her opinions respected. You don’t have to agree or go along with what your child or spouse wants, but you should at least know what it is, and your child should know why you’re overriding his or her preferences. Regular couple or family meetings, where everyone including the children expresses feelings, negative and positive, and all of you work together to solve problems, can help a lot.

Begin couple or family meetings as early in the relationship as possible, whether you think you have any issues to discuss or not. If you set a pattern of doing this early in a relationship, it will be easy to expand the group to include children if you have them. For relationships and families that are already established, it might feel a bit awkward to begin the meetings at first, but if you follow the steps below, everyone will soon experience the value of having an appropriate time and place to talk about issues and plans. Once everyone becomes familiar with the process, the formality of the meeting will relax, problems will be minor, and the couple or whole family can use the time for bonding, sharing stories and experiences, and creating quality time together.

Sit down on a weekly basis with your partner or family, and discuss everything about your relationship, positive and problematic, and how it’s going for each of you. If you have small children, include them and get their input, also. Choose a time when everyone can get together weekly, and suggest to everyone that you order pizza, or cook something together.

Begin the session with a brief prayer or blessing, and a round of complements, where each member gives a complement to every other member ‘ this creates a positive atmosphere.

At the meeting, each person present can follow these steps:

1. Gratitude: Each person states a positive thing about each person in the family, preferably something that has happened this week. For example, "I really appreciate how much you helped me this week when you knew I had a deadline at work." Or, "I noticed that you made a big effort to keep the kitchen clean." Or, "Thank you for your sense of humor. It really helps when you make me laugh when I’m getting too serious." Be sure to thank the person after praising them. If you follow a religious tradition, you can open the meeting by giving thanks in the manner of your faith.

2. Improvements: Each person then mentions one thing they want to improve, and what they want to do to make it better. Small children will need help until they understand, but they will catch on quickly. Even you and one child can do this. The rule is that, in order to bring up a complaint, you must have a suggestion for a solution, even if you don’t think it’s the best possible solution.

3. Problem Solving: If anyone has a problem to solve, he or she can describes it, and then asks for help from the group to solve it. Everyone can work together to come up with a solution. Be careful not to allow the description of the problem to deteriorate into criticism and complaining. To state a problem use matter_of_fact terms, and use I messages: "I get discouraged and frustrated when the house gets messy." "We need to come up with some money to fix the car." "I have a problem at school." "I need help figuring out how not to fight with Susie anymore".

This simple meeting will do more for the state of your intimate or family relationship than you can imagine. If you deal with them early, and approach them with a team spirit of solving them together, most problems can be solved before they become disasters.

These meetings will accomplish a great deal, and can change the nature of what I call your ‘relationship reservoir:’ Every relationship (including family, friends and parent/child relationships) has what I call the "relationship reservoir." 

Every relationship (including those with family, friends and between parents and children) has what I call the "relationship reservoir". Over the course of your relationship, the interaction between you ‘ every kind or unkind word, every gesture of support or criticism, every honest or dishonest interaction between you, every gesture of affection or coldness, add up over the time you spend together.

If you fill your reservoir with good feelings, forgiveness, support, honesty, appreciation, caring, affection, emotional intimacy (and sexual intimacy where appropriate,) you build up a backlog of good will and affection ‘ your memories will be warm and mutually admiring.

If you fill it with coldness, criticism, ingratitude, dishonesty, demands, and dissatisfaction, you’ll have a reservoir of resentment and disdain.

Each time your relationship makes demands on you as a result of major problems, separations, disagreements, illnesses, and stress, you will draw on your relationship reservoir. If you have built up a supply of good feelings and goodwill with your daily interaction, you’ll cheerfully give what’s asked of you. If not, whatever’s asked will seem like too much to give.

I wish you a reservoir overflowing with warmth and good feelings – the true guarantee of a lasting relationship.

These tips are from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: We have had constant fights over little things

Dear Dr. Romance:

Last week my husband and I had an argument over something so small like not getting up to give our kid his medicine. Just because I didn't get up he started calling me names and he pushed  me from the bed.  Currently, we decided we needed time apart so we came on  an agreement that I would leave to my mothers house for some weeks.  We  have had constant fights over little things and also things like our attitudes  and our high pride. We were already thinking of heading towards divorce after 2 years, but we came to an agreement that maybe there is hope for us and  marriage therapy can help us save our marriage and keep our family  together.  We have 2 kids 6 mos. and 1 1/2 . We love each other but we need  help.  We really want to save our marriage for us and our kids.  

Dear Reader:

Thanks for writing. I'm glad you and your husband have decided to try and grow up, and work it out. Divorce won't really separate you, you'd still be tied together by the kids.   It would be a tragedy for your children if you kept on fighting like second graders, and worse if you divorced. A good therapist or counselor can help you fix the problems.  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find someone suitable.  In the meantime, both of you can follow the steps in "Asking for What You Want" and "How Not to Fight" to minimize your fighting. Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed  will show you how to work with each other to solve problems instead of fighting.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: The most traumatic experience of my entire life

Dear Dr. Romance:

Recently I have been trying to cope with the most traumatic experience of my entire life.  I am a grandmother and homemaker who has been deserted by my spouse and left both homeless and penniless.  (I am staying at the home of a friend now.)  After weeks of endless thinking and rethinking, hashing and rehashing, nighttime episodes of imagined revenge, obsessing constantly over all the 'wrongs' done to me, I woke up this morning angry with myself.  I thought, "What is wrong with me that I give so little thought to myself and spend so much time thinking about 'him'.  It is obvious that he cares nothing for me and is probably not thinking about me in any way. Yet I am preoccupied with obsessive thoughts regarding him in some way."

  With that in mind, I used my search engine and located your website.  Thank you for posting "Learning Forgiveness" for it helped me see some aspects of this that I hadn't recognized.  My life was spun out of control by the actions of another person.  My self-esteem was damaged as his actions also incorporated adultery with a family member.  After 15 years of marriage to a man that had problems but was always a very nice person, I have been stunned by his anger, the ugliness of his behavior, his callousness, his deceitfulness (always had this problem) and his apparent blindness to many things that he was cognizant of prior to this event. 

You helped me see that it is the nastiness in his own mind that is the problem, not me. What bothers me most is that I just can't seem to pick myself up and shake this whole thing off.  I know that I am in severe depression but I also believe in self-talk and personal motivation.  I should try to get a job but I am frozen.  I should try to go forward in my thinking but I keep going backwards.  I rehash everything about our marriage looking for clues to uncover his mask as if that knowledge will somehow change things for me today.  I have terrible images of revenge and am constantly shocked by the intensity of my mental creations.  Though I know I would never act upon such things, I also am overpowered by the apparent pleasure these images give me.  A friend suggested playing Christian music when I start to do this and, yes, this does help.  It's kind of hard to think about revenge upon someone when there's somebody in the background singing about love and salvation.

I am going to print your article out and keep it handy for awhile. There is so much helpful information in this writing.  Again, I'm so glad I found it...and thank you. 

Dear Reader:

Thanks for writing.  I'm so glad my article helped you.  And, I can see why you're devastated.  My guess is, your former spouse is narcissistic.  His whole world revolves around himself, and there's no room to care about you or anyone else.  Your friend's suggestion is a good one, and also try the "How To Write A Love Letter" article on my site, It will help you deal with your (understandable) anger, resentment and hurt.

One thing that might help you is to allow yourself a certain time each day to be angry, revengeful, miserable, etc. and then stop for the day: get on with being busy, like finding a job.  You can also try going to an Al-Anon group.  Even if your husband wasn't an alcoholic, most active alcoholics act like narcissists, so you'll find familiar stories in the group, and good information about how to get your life moving again.  You don't say if you ever had a job, and if you haven't, part of the paralysis may lie in not knowing what kind of work you want to do.  If this is the case, take a look at what you're good at, such as homemaking skills, child care, cooking, gardening, or even work you've done with community groups. List the skills you have, and when you see them on paper, appropriate job ideas will suggest themselves.

There's no way you should be homeless OR penniless.  I hope you have a lawyer: don't try to be nice about this, get someone tough to fight for you.  You'll also find The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty   very helpful as you rebuild a better life from the ashes of this one.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I am surrounded by negative people and thoughts

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am writing because I am surrounded by negative people and thoughts, including my family.  I have no support structure. I hide from neighbors so people won't ask questions.  During the day I am on the computer being as proactive as I can. 

My question is I have a very hard time being positive, my self esteem is low and confidence level too.  When I date, men notice it and it can be a turn-off.  I don't have the "I can get this" type of attitude.  Change is not easy and it doesn't come over night but are there any books you can recommend or tapes I can listen to?

I am on the Internet trying to find someone special to marry someday.  I am 48, never married and no children. I am supposedly going to meet someone this weekend. I got sick last weekend so I had to reschedule and we chat online a little bit.  I never had the pleasure of enjoying a good relationship much less a good sex life and I would like that too.  Thank you in advance.  I look forward to hearing from you.  

Dear Reader:

Yes, if your original family and old friends are bringing you down, it's a good idea to keep your distance until you are strong enough in self-esteem to see that their negativity is their problem, and has nothing to do with you. Your worst enemy, however, is probably yourself. If you listen to your self-talk, you'll realize that you're being as negative toward yourself as your family is. This is the basis of your low self-esteem.  The good news is you're not stuck, you can fix it.  "Mirrors and Teachers"   and "Coping with Critics" will help you handle difficult people, "Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude" will help you change your outlook, and "Your Primary Relationship" will help you improve your relationship with your self - the model for all your other relationships. 

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction has the exercises and information you need to improve your self-esteem, and understand and counteract your family dysfunction.

For help in finding a relationship, Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you steps to follow to success.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Coping with Critics

 

Dr. Romance writes:

No one likes to be criticized, fairly or not.  It’s always difficult to deal with, and it can hurt.  Because I’m a writer of books and columns, and because I’ve lectured, appeared on radio and TV, I am sometimes recognized in public.  I’m glad I’m not more recognizable, for along with the lovely feedback, gratitude and complements I get from many people, others feel compelled to criticize, often in a mean way, and often without having even read whatever book or column they’re criticizing. So,  I’ve been forced to learn to deal with negative comments, even when they’re mean-spirited, and intended to hurt me.  Because we all get criticized from time to time,  you may find the following ideas helpful.

 

Whether criticism is intended to be helpful or harmful, you can use it positively.  Evaluate the critic: is it a good friend, a kind person, a mentor?  Criticism from any of these is likely to be constructive, and you can probably trust it and learn from it.  Is the criticism from a competitive rival?  Then use its mirror image: it's probably something powerful about you that threatens the rival.  Is it from a lover or intimate person?  Then it can hurt a lot, because intimates know where your soft spots are; and they often project their own fears onto you.  Whatever the source of the criticism, ignore it for a few hours or a day, until the sting has subsided, and then evaluate its usefulness to you.  If a trusted mentor is offering constructive criticism, it may be a great gift to you, once you have absorbed it.  Stretch yourself a bit, and look at the comment from an objective viewpoint, and see how much truth you think it holds.  Above all, be true to yourself, and know that your own good opinion of yourself is most valuable if it is based on truth.

 

There are a few things you can do to help the criticism "roll off your back."  First, use a sense of humor:  if you can come up with a clever funny remark that diffuses the criticism, that is always the most effective way to disarm it.  Second, give an "adult time out" to anyone who is negative and critical:  emotionally retreat into politeness.  Be very pleasant, but distant: say "Yes, please" "No, thank you" and respond politely to any request, but don't share any personal information.  This usually causes a negative person to snap out of it. Third, ignore any negative thing that is said:  just treat it as if it didn't happen.  In this way, you don't reward it, and the other person will eventually stop.

 

Don't try to motivate yourself with criticism.   You can be self-critical because you don't realize the consequences. If you're critical of a friend or loved one, they will be angry at you, and perhaps leave, but most of us don't realize how self-critical we are, and how much it damages our lives, so we continue to harp on ourselves.  Also, if you were around a parent who was very critical when you were a child, it will feel "normal" to you, and you won't realize how it really sounds.   Self-criticism damages your quality of life in several ways: it eats away at your self-esteem, which can make you needy in relationships and keep others from getting close. It also leads to excess spending, drinking, eating, etc. in an attempt to feel better.

 

Overpowering yourself with internal criticism or external coercion makes you feel oppressed and rebellious.  The intimidation and pressure eventually leads to paralysis and procrastination. In my experience with myself and my clients,  the only kind of motivation that works permanently grows out of celebration and appreciation. It's easy to remember in equation form: celebration + appreciation = motivation   When you find a way to appreciate yourself for what you've already accomplished, and to celebrate your previous successes, you will find you are naturally motivated to accomplish more.  No struggle, no hassle: you accomplish out of the pure joy of success!

 

Guidelines for learning self-appreciation

To become proficient in self-appreciation, try the following suggestions:

 

            Make a note: Write positive comments on your daily calendar to yourself for jobs well done or any achievements you want to celebrate.  Or you can paste stickers on your daily calendar as you accomplish goals daily  frequent positive commentary  is a very effective way to reward yourself and remind yourself of your success.

 

            Look to your childhood: Use activities that felt like a celebration in your childhood: did your family toast a celebration  with champagne or sparkling cider, a gathering of friends, or a thankful prayer? Create a celebration environment: use balloons, music, flowers, candles, or set your  table with the best china. Use the exercise on your family style in chapter two to find ideas.

 

            Visible reminders: Surround yourself with visible evidence of your successes. Plant a commemorative rosebush or get a new houseplant to mark a job well done, or display photos of fun events, and sports or hobby trophies.  It's a constant reminder that you appreciate yourself and when you see them daily, you'll feel the appreciation.

 

            Reward yourself:  A new trashy romance novel or detective thriller can be a great reward/celebration for reading your required technical books.

 

             Party!: Celebrate a cherished friendship with an impromptu lunchtime picnic and a balloon. Or with tickets to a ball game. (adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction)

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm no closer to meeting the one for me than I was 15 years ago

Dear Dr. Romance:

I just read your post to the 'nice guy' who asked for advice why he keeps getting passed over for the 'bad boy' types,  and he was 100% right in saying women consistently say they're looking for a 'nice guy'.

I'm in the same position.  I'm 35 years old and I've had this happen to me my entire dating life.  You and everyone else claims 'that as soon as you're clear about the kind of woman and relationship you want, she will appear, like magic' but I'm no closer to meeting the one for me than I was 15 years ago.  I'm really starting to lose hope I'm ever going to meet anyone.

Dear Reader:

I'm curious as to where you're looking.  Online only?  Then, maybe your profile needs some changes.   I'm a big advocate of the "get a life" method of meeting people: meeting them doing things that are important and valuable to you; not just going on a blind search.  When join shared activities with people you enjoy and respect the odds improve that your connections will introduce you to like-minded people, with whom you're likely to have something in common.  This person will probably have already been 'vetted' (checked out for character flaws) by your friend or family member. Even if you don't fall in love, you may make a great new  friend.   

If you meet people through a group activity that you value or enjoy, you'll automatically have things in common, and you get the added bonus of seeing the person interact with the other people in the group.  You don't have to declare your interest  until you have evidence of the personality characteristics of your target -- and you will probably have a chance to sense mutual interest before you declare, which reduces the likelihood of being rejected.  Meeting people through group activities is especially good for nice guys like you -- women get to see what a good guy you are.  And your personality gets a chance to shine through.  for more on the "Get a Life" method of dating, see the articles "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"  and "Where is Love?" which will help you find the most effective way to meet someone you can love.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you figure out how to understand what the women you meet want.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I do not want to be alone the rest of my life

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I like what I have seen on your tips for happiness. I am in my late 60s, a Christian and twice divorced.   This past January, I met a wonderful Christian woman, also divorced after 20 years of marriage. She is a Labor and Delivery Nurse who has traveled the world helping starving children. She now works in the US.  When we met there was a tremendous spark. She immediately asked me to marry her, and I   said "Yes, by all means I will marry you." We live in different states. She recently has been to visit me, and met my two wonderful, happily married adult daughters, and I have been to visit her and meet her three happily married adult daughters. My daughters are elated I have found someone I admire and love so much. However, her one youngest daughter and one son-in-law, have been very toxic to our being together. They have 7 kids and little or no income, so my Love has been financially supporting them. I love her a lot, but realize I may have to move on.

Last week I sent her a plant, and she immediately called me, with a genuine; "I love you!" However, the next night she emailed me, saying; "She thought I was trying to get her to choose between her family and me, and she was angry about that fact, and she did not like feeling that way!" Ever since she has been silent, and I have not initiated any telephone calls to her. I want to, but feel at this time, I need to be patient. I long to call her, but I am afraid to. She is the most incredible nurturing Christian woman I have ever met, and I would like to spend the rest of my life with her. I do not want to be alone the rest of my love. The chemistry was very good, however I know too, how blinding lust can be.

Our weakest area, in my opinion, is our lack of basic compatibility. I am an above average outdoorsman. There is not much about the outdoors I do not know. She is not outdoorsy. If there is one thing I have learned in my life, it's not to try to change or fix anyone. I was far too controlling in my first marriage. I am financially independent and comfortable.  I have more inner peace than I have ever known, but I am very alone, and long to be with the right woman. My question to you is;....do you think I should move on, wait to see what my recent love does, or what? I love the gal beyond words, and I would be proud to give her my whole self, but it needs to be two ways, and come from her, now that her family has tried to tear us apart. Let me know what you think please. I appreciate your advice.

Dear Reader:

If you love this woman, it's not a good idea to set yourself up against her family. Why don't you slow down a little bit. I'll bet there's enough of her to go around, and the children will come around after a time if you make their mom happy. Keep your money separate: let her support her kids any way she wants to, and just enjoy being with her. If her children are taking advantage of her, she'll have to figure that out for herself. At the point that you get married, if that happens, you can each have a living trust that will guarantee that her money goes to her kids, and yours goes where you want it to go. That will calm everyone down. 

Stop thinking of her children as problems.  It's only true if you make it true. Concentrate on being with her, enjoying her, spending time with her, and treating her like the treasure you say she is. Don't bad-mouth her children, even if they say bad things about you. As a Christian, you'll understand the wisdom of that. I don't blame her children for being startled by the speed of your relationship. No one can know it's real when it happens that fast, although, after time, it may turn out to be. Slow down, do the right thing, and stop looking for enemies. If you live in different states, you have a lot of decisions to make, and so does she. All of it will take time. If you just relax and wait a while, I think you have a good chance of working this out. Read my article "Stop Reacting and Start Relating"  and "Mirrors and Teachers" . You may also find my book How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together helpful.  Best of luck to you.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I just want to bring joy and spice in their life

Dear Dr. Romance:  
   
As I am approaching middle age, my kids are graduating from high school,   I am a single woman, kept a youthful image, found myself many times attractive to older married men, I have been saying no, but now I feel free to say yes. I don't need anything from the men, I just want to bring joy and spice in their life and I enjoy the experience also.  What's your opinion on this personal choice and what do I need to be aware of the downside?
   
Since I am single and attractive (from my friends feedback) I am looking for a long term mate/partner in my industry.  However, somehow I am not successful attracting those  professionals who I really want to establish the relationship.  For example, I attend professional functions either formal or informal, from 100-500 people. I would expect men approach me for an invitation for coffee. Most of time, I get none. Sometimes I get one or two but they don't have the quality I am looking for.
   
I think part of the reason being I am an Asian in the industry (commercial real estate) with majority of Caucasian professional men. 
   
Dear Reader:

I have no problem with your wanting to date men. Your parenting days are drawing to a close, and it's great to enjoy your freedom.

My first question is: are you making eye contact?  I ask because you indicate that you're Asian, and in your culture, eye contact might not come naturally.  Men won't think you're interested if you don't look them in the eye; even from across the room.  If you're just passively waiting for a man to come over, you need to send him an invitation, by looking at him and smiling.  Otherwise, (especially in a business setting) most men would not feel comfortable approaching you. You'll do better if you mingle at the functions you attend.  Find people you know who are talking with others, and join the conversation.   I don't think your race is a problem, but the cultural differences might be sending the wrong messages, or no messages at all. "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting"  and "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will give you many pointers for meeting dates, and Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you detailed help in dating.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance: Into Each Life

Dr. Romance writes:

As a parade went by, one of the horses pulling a float entry left a memento in the middle of the road right in front of where we were watching from the sidewalk. From that point on, every band or group that came marching down the road marched bravely on, right through the pile of horse manure. The image struck a chord in me, one that the band was not intentionally playing.

The parade of life does not always go smoothly. Any one of us can be marching along, happily playing our tune, and suddenly be faced with a little mess which is not of our making. Friends can be unkind, intentionally or not, and, as Robert Burns wrote "The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men /Gang aft agley." Those of us who can keep focused on the goal, and march right through, deserve applause.

My mentor, Rev. Denton Roberts often said "You are not responsible for what happens to you, but for your response to it." In other words, you don’t need to feel guilty for problems in your life, but it’s important that you deal with them. When there’s a messy pile in your road, after you get through it, it’s valuable to consider how it got there, what to do about it and how to make sure you don't participate in the creation of new ones. Rather than just dwell on the problem, move your focus to the solution.

Recently, as I was talking to a client, the metaphor of walking through the "road apples" of life came up again. There's no doubt about it, we're going to encounter unpleasant obstacles in our path from time to time. Just because we have to walk through it, doesn't mean it's our fault it's there --but, it is our responsibility to clean off our shoes as soon as we can, and do whatever we can (like getting the parade committee to put a bag under the horse’s butt) to make sure we don't go through it again.

Above all, it's important to remember it's only a little pile. It has an end, it's temporary, and we'll probably survive it. Blaming ourselves or someone else never helped anyone get through it faster, it only makes the slogging more unpleasant. There is nothing to stop us from playing "Hey, Look Me Over" at maximum lung power all the way through. On the other hand, ignoring it won't make it go away, either. Somewhere in there is a fine balance, between letting go and taking responsibility. Pretending that all is well, and the problem is non-existent, or pretending that we don't need the rest of society, or that critical, difficult or angry people will go away by themselves, is foolhardy. Staying in isolation, so we don't encounter hassles, means we’ll miss the parade. When there’s a problem we must slog through it, and then scrape the leavings off our shoes. Like it or not, we must take responsibility for turning our experience around. This means minimizing reaction and maximizing effectiveness. Taking an objective look at where we become part of the problem and where we succeed are part of the solution makes a critical difference in how life goes on.

On the other hand, self-flagellation and blaming won't get us anywhere either. The key really is respect. To have respect for ourselves is the key to getting others to follow suit. I do believe that loving ourselves is the key. I believe that people who love and accept themselves will naturally do what is necessary to create a positive life, From there, it only takes being willing to project it to others.

Redemption

Life is not always easy
It hums along, sweet and low-key
And then the tsunami – real or imagined,
Wipes our smug snugness away.

Devastated by loss, we weep,
We gnash teeth, we grieve, we’re angry

At God, at life, at lack of control.
We regain calm, then lose it, lose it, lose it.
Slowly, slowly, normalcy returns,
Creeping back in like the daily tide.

The dawning of another day, bereft of the old,
But blessed with the new,
First shows itself in the smiling eyes
Of dear friends, still here, still offering love.

Life, after all, is worthwhile
And love and gratitude trump grief.

I wish you minimal piles to slog through, and the patience and courage to keep playing your own special song. © 2022 Tina B. Tessina

From It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I have a crush on this person

Dear Dr. Romance:

I need some advice. I'm a university student and I'm finishing my last semester there and getting a degree in Speech/Communication Studies. I'm also a single mixed-raced person. I worked at a  communication firm as an Intern Coordinator. What I have here is that I'm having trouble communicating with this person I know.  I have a crush on this person who I met in one of my classes last year. She is now a college graduate. I didn't know who she really was and we started talking to each other and I gave her my e-mail address and she e-mailed me back before her last year of school. Then I saw she has a personals ad.   I also have her as a friend on several  social networking websites and I texted and e-mailed her. I also have her number but she told me she is not a phone type person. So I don't know what to do. Could you give me some advice about what should I do about her and what can I say to her. I tried to text her but she doesn't respond back to me.

Dear Reader:

You're working way too hard on this relationship, and you're refusing to take "no" for an answer.  I'm sorry you're disappointed, but she's obviously not interested in you.  It takes two to make a crush turn into a relationship, and you're the only one in this one.  She doesn't want to e-mail you, to talk to you on the phone, or to develop a relationship with you. She's trying to be nice about it, so let go and don't become a stalker.  "Letting Go Takes Love" and "When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships"  will help you understand why a one-sided relationship won't work.  

Force yourself to stop focusing on her, remove her from all your pen pal lists, and look around you.  I'll bet there are lots of fine young women right at your school. You only have one more semester -- don't waste it.  Date a few women, and don't fixate on just one right away. "Dating: The Fine Art of “Squirrel Hunting” " will help you find someone else. You can't force anyone to love you; it has to be voluntary. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will give you the techniques and information you need to better understand the women you date, and find and create a a healthy relationship.  .

Don't stay stuck in a can't win situation. There's someone out there who will connect with you, and you'll be much happier. And who knows? If she sees you having fun with other women, she might get interested.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My husband does not understand my children

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I am married with a man that is younger than me by 17 years. Right now we are in a bad situation. I have 2 teenage children from prior marriage.  My husband wants to represent my children's father and he does not understand that the children are too old to be molded the way he wants to. He is gone right now because the issues we have with my younger son. I really love him and I don't want to lose him. I don't know what to do.

Dear Reader:

I think you're saying your husband wants to replace your children's father.  You don't say how long you have known him, or if your children had a chance to get to know him before you married him.  At any rate, since he is gone, if he comes back you'll need to start over in a better way.  Before all of you can live together peacefully, you and he must come to an agreement both of you can keep about co-parenting your teenagers.  If you can't agree about that, then the two of you should just be dating and not living together until your boys are grown.  "Dating Guidelines for Single Parents" will show you and your new husband how to set your family up for success.  "The Challenges of Blended Families" will help you understand how.  Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed  will teach you how to work with your current husband to create teamwork in parenting.

 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: the worst nightmare of my life

Dear Dr. Romance:

    It's been months since I wrote to you and received your very excellent advice.  In the meantime I was able to get therapy, and . Since then I have slowly been  recovering from the worst nightmare of my life.

    I want to thank you for the information that my spouse is a narcissistic individual because knowing what is going on with his personality helped me to recover my own sense of well-being.    I just couldn't understand how I missed all the clues regarding this man for so many years.  Now I have begun to see things very clearly.  Obviously he never loved me but in many ways he needed me and relied heavily upon me for whatever was missing in himself. 

I believe he is totally incapable of love and is parasitic in nature. I also have come to the conclusion that people like him must control others but the  passive-aggressive side of him created a covert form of this control. He sabotaged every plan I made. He constantly behaved as if he had no common sense and his work was often laced with ineptitude. He destroyed our property constantly but it always seemed like this happened because of an oversight or procrastination.  He stole money from his job when he knew that the wrokplace had installed a video camera. However, when questioned about that he said that he had forgotten about the video camera and had thought that the workplace had removed it. 

Sabotage, bank fraud, costly mistakes that ruined two of my businesses, and money that just disappeared...his actions kept me in poverty, isolated out in the country away from my family and friends and I realize now that his actions also prevented me from leaving him.  Once he began to realize that my feelings for him had changed and I was considering a divorce, he became extremely cooperative and deceptive. He wasn't going to let me leave him but he planned to get out of the marriage himself and he planned to leave me destitute.  

  My lawyer plans to nail this scoundrel in the courts and to expose him for the type of person he really is.  Again, I want to thank you for the help and advice you gave me during that time of sheer desperation. I hope that some of what I have written about this man can be used in some way to help someone else.  I am reminded of the song by Billy Joel...The Stranger....for that is what I realized I had spent my life with........a cold, calculating stranger.

Dear Reader:

I'm so glad to hear you're taking care of yourself.  I'm rooting for you.  Understand that he really did not remember the video camera, because narcissists can rewrite reality to suit their wish fulfillment. So, he wanted the video camera to not be there, and presto! in his mind, it wasn't.  That's how narcissists mostly get caught.  You can't ignore reality forever -- it comes back and bites you in the butt.  Just remember, all the skills you developed in dealing with him are valuable, and life post-narcissist is much easier than life with him.

 "Getting Out of Your Own Way" and "Your Primary Relationship" will help in building your new life. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will show you how to repair the emotional damage.  Then you'll be ready to find new, healthy love with Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dr. Romance on You Be The Judge

Dr. Romance writes:

In my therapy practice, I witness a lot of confusion about the proper role of judgement in life and relationships. Often, when I ask clients to analyze whether a person they’re dating has good character, they tell me they don’t want to be judgmental. People in twelve step programs say they don’t want to "take the other person’s inventory." But being judgmental (that is, critical of what others do, what they weigh, how they dress, their education, financial status or ethnic background) is not the same as having judgement or discernment about the character of people who are about to become deeply involved in your life.

Far too many of the relationship disasters that cause clients to come and see me are caused by poor judgement about people. Somehow, clients seem to have taken way too seriously the idea that we aren’t supposed to think badly of people. Instead of using good judgement about whether to allow someone in their lives, they make excuses and feel responsible. Recently, I was talking to a client whose boyfriend has been brutal to her. She would like to move on, but she feels she has to take care of him. A male client has been enduring bad behavior and temper tantrums on the part of his lady friend for years, and still wonders if he can make the relationship work. These cases, and many more like them, require more realistic thinking, evaluation, and yes, judgment, of whether the other person is a good candidate as a partner for building a life and a relationship.

If you want to do rescue work, get a license as a nurse, social worker, emergency medical technician or volunteer to help those who need it. If you do, you’ll find out that these workers are compassionate, yes, but also tough. They see exactly what they’re dealing with, and they do what’s necessary to really help, not to prolong the problem, or bring them into their personal lives. They, too have to use judgement.

Love has a much better chance to be realized if you make some of your choices mentally, as well as by emotional attachment and chemistry. Choose commitments both with the "parent" or judgmental, evaluating, critical thinking method; and the "child" or romantic, turned on, chemistry method. I call this choosing from the neck up, as well as from the neck down. You’ll use better judgment if you think of matchmaking for yourself. You can think like a matchmaker (or a hard-to-please parent), when considering commitment. The dictionary defines judgment as "the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing." Take time out from your excitement and evaluate your match, using the components of judgement: think, observe, evaluate, ask, remember, experiment, speculate and empathize.

* Make sure you’re thinking and not just feeling: don’t let your emotions overrule your careful consideration of whether this is working.* Observe the other person, how you are together, what’s working, what’s not. Pay attention! You’re deciding your future happiness, and you have to gather the facts to make the decision.

* Ask questions out loud, don’t just guess at your partner’s motivation and feelings. The two of you need to be able to discuss your thoughts, feelings, and ideas about the relationship and the partnership decisions you’ll be making. Both of you must be able to listen to each other, and not just react.

* Take some time to evaluate what’s happening in the relationship, does it feel like you’re creating a good future together?

* Remember what’s happened, the good and the bad: don’t gloss over abuse, irresponsible behavior or disrespect. If you think any of those are happening, you must discuss it, and if it doesn’t change, it’s time to leave. Remembering the good things will help you have a balanced idea of the overall value of the relationship.

* Experiment with problem-solving, working through situations where you disagree, trying new things you haven’t done together.

* Speculate, by yourself and together, about how you’d handle some of the situations you’ll face in the future, such as child rearing, finances, illness, big job changes.

* Empathize by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, not just to make excuses, but to really understand what may be going on.

Selecting a partner who is really capable of loving and being responsible in the relationship is more than half the battle. Choosing an immature, irresponsible partner may mean that, no matter what you do, the relationship won’t work. Using judgment, rather than being judgmental, and thinking with your head and not just your heart will help you make a good choice of partner – and there’s nothing more fulfilling than a life of successful partnership and cooperation.

(Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction)

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: my sisters are now calling me 'The Black Widow'

Dear Dr Romance:
Thank you for your article "Age Differences in Dating".  I am a fortysomething woman whose fiancé died in my arms of heart failure three years ago. He was in his late sixties. Then I dated an ex-pro athlete who had a stroke and lost the use of his left side. My concern is that men are taking Viagra and other medications to enhance their sexual performance without checking with their physicians first. Often times these enhancers leave the man impotent or worse. I have to carry these memories around like airport baggage for the rest of my life and my sisters are now calling me 'The Black Widow'.

I want to date younger men because I now have this fear that every man I date will drop dead on me. No, I am not an older woman trying to maintain my youth through dating younger men, I'm just trying to avoid visiting my dates in the hospital. Again, thank you for pointing out an older woman's perspective.

Dear Reader:
I'm sorry for your losses. It would be nice if love followed rules, but I'm afraid it doesn't, and if you're mutually attracted to a younger man, it might work; but you could find yourself mutually attracted to another older man, too.   You might find my article "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" will help you heal and face the future with more hope. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will show you how to create a healthy new relationship when you're ready.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I regret not telling her how I felt

Dear Dr. Romance:
   
I was very attracted to a lady and I did things for her with out asking for any thing in return.   She was single and I fixed her jeep, I put down new linoleum in her kitchen for her, we did go out together for drinks, dinner, dancing, movies as well as other things together.  However, I never did try and kiss her or tell her how I felt or what I wanted.   She broke my heart when she went out with a guy and then told me she really liked him a lot.  I stopped seeing her and as it turned out she married the guy 6 to 8 months later.  I did get an invite to the to her wedding, but I did not go.  I regret not telling her how I felt; but it is hard to talk about my feelings to any one.  I know that I should have but I never did.  Even today 10 yrs later I wonder what happened to her and him.  I know that they moved to a town south of here and bought a new home there after she sold her home here.  And I have not done that for any women since, I felt used by her.  In all the years since then, I have not dated or really found any one that I was that attracted to.

Dear Reader:

You are not alone, there are lots of guys like you, and gals don't really understand what's going on.  Rather than nursing your hurt and resentment (feeling used) I think you'd be happier and better off if you learned from your experience, and decided you have to learn to communicate your feelings with words.  You don't have to get all flowery, but you have to manage to stammer out "I have feelings for you" if nothing else.  Once you've had car repairs and linoleum in common, it's time to stop waiting around for her to catch on, and stand up and tell her to her face.  The lady in question may have been as frustrated as you were, and may even have told you she was going out with someone to get you to declare your feelings. When you didn't, she felt free to move on. 

You sound like a great guy, one of the good ones, and it's sad that you can't let a lady know that you like her; you don't deserve to be alone, and your closed mouth is the only thing standing in your way.  "Getting to Yes" will help you figure out how to talk to a woman, and  "Asking for What You Want" will show you some ways to do it, and ways not to do it.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today was written just for people like you, who don't understand how to communicate. The exercises and information in it will help you find the love you are wishing for. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am so sad because I don't see this marriage working

Dear Dr. Romance:
 
My husband complains that life is a  habitrail that he has to get on everyday and he is not being reloaded.  I  have tried everything I know how to make things better for him.  I don't  know how to reply anymore, and honestly I am not sure there is anything I can  do.  
 
I am so sad because I don't see this marriage working.  I am lost without my best friend.  I am wishing that things were so different.  I am concerned that he has some serious depression issues and that it may be clinical depression.  He has issues about being the center of the universe with us, and it is really hard to deal with. I see narcissistic behaviors in him that concern me greatly.

He was not like this big overgrown kid  when I married him, or maybe I just did not realize it.  None of it is important at this point as i am married to him and would have loved  nothing better than for things to work out. But, again, I am concerned about his mental state in general not just when it comes to me.  He is hopeless about life, he sees it as just one more day  that is ticking by till he dies, he does not see that everyday life is where you  find the good stuff.  He states that he is never getting recharged or accomplishing things. How do I help  that?
 
Where do I go from here? How do I make things happen that will help  him.  I  don't know how much longer I can cope with this and when I tell him these things he thinks it is an ultimatum, but it is the way I  feel in order preserve who I am. What do I do?
 
Dear Reader:

It's OK to make an ultimatum, as long as it's the truth.  What you telling me is that you love him a lot, but you're going to get out of this marriage if your husband doesn't take care of himself and change his behavior.  He needs to know that, so he can make the choice: He chooses to change, you stay. He chooses to stay the same, you go.  I don't know if he has a third choice, to work it out with you, or not.  That's pretty straightforward.  I'd tell him that and see what happens. Many people, men especially, feel frustrated and caught in the 'rat race' of earning a living.

I know you want him to be in charge, but I wonder if you argue with him about how he's in charge. Maybe he's a big, overgrown kid, but that's the guy you chose to be with, although you may not have realized it at the time.  We're all overgrown kids in some way, and he seems to be a responsible adult in many ways.

I know you love him and want to help him, but you can't fix his depression.  He has to admit it, and to get help for it.  The best thing you can do is be truthful (both the positive and the negative parts of the truth) and be clear.  The most therapeutic thing you can do is tell him what you're observing that causes you to worry about him, tell it without anger, let him know you love him, and tell him you wish he'd do something about his state of mind.  These problems have probably been there since his childhood. 

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction is all about how he can sort out his problems.  How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together  will help both of you work together to improve your marriage.

Since he doesn't want to face his real feelings, perhaps you could read aloud small parts of the book to him as a teaser.  "The Nail in the Fence: Healing Wounds" will help both of you understand what it will take to reconcile.  But, nothing will work if he's not willing to let it, so your hands are somewhat tied. Even a therapist can't help someone who puts on an "I'm OK" face and won't talk about what's wrong.  When he's ready, use "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" to find the right person to go to.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

Dr. Romance on Grief: From Surviving to Thriving

Dr. Romance has had many clients who are grieving, and wrote this to help. 

None of us wants to think about it, but the standard definition of a totally successful relationship is the old, traditional "til death do us part." Any time we love, whether it’s a life partner, a dear friend, a child, a sibling, a parent or even a beloved pet, we are risking the loss of that love.

When you're happy with someone, you often don't think about your happiness or even fully realize it. You may take your contentment for granted. You watch couples around you struggle, or even go through your own struggles, and realize you’re lucky to have a successful partnership, but you don’t dwell on it. Then comes the tragic event, and the world turns upside-down.

If it's a long illness, the support system your partner used to be is gone, and you are required to be the support system.  Depending on the length of an illness, you may begin to grieve as your partner declines. All the little things you took for granted become crystal clear in their absence.  If the death is sudden (i.e. auto accident, brain aneurism) you go into shock at first.  Either way, you must go through the necessary awfulness -- identifying the body, making funeral arrangements, notifying people, comforting relatives, friends and children and the memorial itself – like a robot, mostly without feeling.   

It isn't until weeks or months after the burial that you really get to experience.....Grief. Grief is an organic process, it has its own wisdom, and it needs a witness. An understanding friend may be able to listen and be with you, and that is very healing. There is nothing you can do to make such a tragedy less tragic, so the grief, anger and frustration that you feel are normal reactions to the circumstances. Slowly, you go through the stages of grief: shock, anger, seeking, depression and peace. It's normal to feel fear that this might happen again, rage that it happened at all, a need for prayer and comfort, bouts of being overwhelmed and thinking you can't go on, and, finally, acceptance and understanding that this devastating event is a part of the risky life we humans all live. These feelings will come jumbled up, they'll recycle, and come in different order. As the shock wears off, and the permanence of the loss sets in, many feelings emerge:  Some people may feel a bit relieved, some will be angry, some will pray or question God, and others just feel exhausted, disconnected, and overwhelmed . This jumble of feelings includes the anger, seeking and depression phases.

To help you sort them out, here are some possibilities

* If you feel inspired to do something hopeful (for example, setting up a memorial fund, or praying, giving blood, writing letters), do it.

* If you feel discouraged, just feel it; it will pass, and it may indicate that you need a rest.

* If you feel like laughing, don't worry about it: it's a good way to manage tragedy. It often signifies the beginning of healing.

* If you feel angry, remember anger is the underside of love -- it's an expression of the value you attach to the life lost, and very appropriate. But it, too, will come and go and fade with time.

* If you are afraid, of course you are. We are all programmed to want to live, and being so heavily confronted with the fragility of life is terrifying. Yes, it could have been you, it will eventually be you, but we humans are resilient, and the fear, too will pass.

* If you feel hopeless, it is because you are realizing that life is not in your own control. This is when faith and a belief in a higher purpose to life is very helpful. If you haven't discovered a belief in higher purpose, then this would be a good time to search. Talk to clergy, read philosophy, meditate, pray, even get your fortune told. All these methods of attempting to understand the ineffable are imperfect, but they all can help.

* If you need support for your own struggle with these issues, gather friends, family and neighbors around you. We never need each other more than at times like this. We need to feel a part of a larger, safer group. Although you may want solitude from time to time, to get your thoughts together, be careful not to get too isolated

Getting through the jumble of feelings that is the grief process will take at least a year, perhaps several. The first year is the hardest, because you encounter special days, birthdays, holidays and anniversaries all around the calendar. Once you've survived each of these once, it gets a little easier. Eventually you will have survived and healed, and be willing to take another chance. The promise of happiness is strong enough that the risk is worth it. You'll probably experience some guilt, but know that if your former partner loved you, she or he would want you to be happy. This new relationship will feel even more precious than the previous one, because you'll know that it isn't here forever. You'll have a feeling of gratitude toward your previous partner, for the love you shared and what it taught you that makes it possible to have this new love.

I have also created an online course: Grief: What it is, Why we have it, and How to get through it 

Article adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My girlfriend has a driving phobia

Dear Dr. Romance

I was looking at the articles on your website and I really liked a lot of things that you have to say about dealing with life, ourselves, others, and the interaction of all three.  I am contacting you in hopes that you might be able to provide me with some advice or lead me to a source of advice. Here is the situation. My serious girlfriend (finances prevent her from being a fiancée) is over twenty years old, and has never had a drivers' license. She has attempted to learn in the past, but has not been able to overcome very acute anxiety about driving.  She says the anxiety creates undesired physical consequences and clouded judgement, and she loses control. Although I love her dearly and want to be there for her, this has become somewhat of a burden. She is willing to try to learn again, but is sure that she will never be able to drive.  This mindset is very difficult for me to help her overcome despite my willingness and patience.

If you could provide me with some advice or direction to help resolve this issue, I would greatly appreciate it. Perhaps you can provide a starting point for "self-help" so to speak.

Dr. Romance replies:

I'm afraid "self-help" won't work with this problem. Your girlfriend is having anxiety attacks, exacerbated by her vision problem. She needs counseling with a trained counselor who is expert in anxiety problems and phobias. It's actually a relatively easy problem to fix. Please read the free article "Handling Anxiety Effectively"  and "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  Both articles will give you more understanding of the problem and what to do about it.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help both you and your girlfriend understand the origins of the anxiety, and what needs to be done about it.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I have become quite the online Romeo

Dear Dr. Romance:
   
  Hi, I read a few of your articles. I always find your info helpful and interesting   I have been divorced now going on 6 years, I am man in my early 40s, and have been internet dating consistently. Yikes! I never have trouble getting the dates, I've been selective, and have been out with some of the most beautiful in my eyes women (body and soul.)

My last count, I have been on almost four hundred dates, including someone I just met and basically spent the weekend with.  It seems like she and I could be a good match, but its still kinda early to tell obviously.  I have become quite the online Romeo, yet my love life could be construed as a comic tragedy. My dating has produced some of the most bizarre, yet entertaining stories. Most people urge me to write a book.   I am not sure where to look for, or what kind of therapist may most likely be able to help me in this realm.  I have seemed to develop an addiction to this internet dating, and my quest to find my significant other.   I feel I need to find a professional, who may have understanding and hip about today's culture and the internet.

Any suggestions? Cause I feel like I could use some. Am I stuck in some complex? 
  
Dear Reader:

Well, you might have become habituated to the thrills of online dating, especially because it's easy for you to get responses. However, as you have found, there is a difference between meeting someone online and dating her, and actually having a real, lasting relationship.  Just like someone who eats too many sweets you have to decide if you just want to party or if you want some real nutrition.

You can't learn what you want to know about a potential relationship from meeting online and spending the weekend alone together.  I recommend you get off line for a while, and try meeting women in the real world.  Join some kind of class, group or association (not a singles group or dating club)  that has content, where people are doing things together, and you can get to know someone before you date her and have sex with her.  If you do want a lasting relationship, you're going to have to find someone who has a lot more to offer than just sex.  And, you will have to offer more, too.   The question is, do you want to fool around, or do you want to build a life?

I do think therapy would be helpful to you. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a good counselor.  "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" is about where and how to look for a true partner. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will help you understand what you need and want in a real relationship, and how to find that.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am beyond confused

Dear Dr. Romance:

I need help! I am beyond confused. My husband is having an affair for more than six months with some woman who is 15 years younger than him. He lives with this women for all practical purposes and only comes home to sleep. He shows up at 11:00 p.m. at night and leaves by 7:30 A.M the next morning. We have been married for 19 years and we have 3 children.

It is very hard to know what he likes or dislikes about me because he communicates very little of himself. He likes to joke and make a joke out of everything and laugh while interacting. He comes home like nothing is wrong and we were never a couple. He is cordial with me and wants to have a conversation about the news or impersonal subjects.

I tried talking with him about what is going on (I have information from other sources) but he says He does not want to talk about it right at this moment. I feel trapped because my job is in jeopardy because of the housing problem. I have worked for this company for 8 years and I feel they would have to close pretty soon.

He gives me his check and spends some money but he does not pay the other woman's rent. I would like to try everything. Even though he does not seem interested in leaving this women. I need your help.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry to say this, but I think you should call a lawyer. Sometimes, it's only when a man is confronted with the loss of his family that he'll realize he's making a problem for himself. My guess is that this other woman is an escape from all the hassles of life with you. Sorry to be so blunt, but, to him, you probably represent responsibility and lots of problems to solve, while she gets to be fun and sexy. That's not a tough choice for a self-involved man, until he sees it's going to cost him.

I don't know enough to know if you or he earns more money. If it's him, he may have to pay you spousal support plus child support. Actually, losing your job right now could be the best thing, legally. It would make him even more financially responsible under the law. That may turn his head around.

You have to take care of yourself and your children. Go see a lawyer, get some advice so you know where you stand. This is not just some casual affair. He's all but living with this woman. You need to protect your rights. Fight for your self-esteem, for your children, for your marriage. It will be tough, but worth it.  "Asking for What you Want"  will help you communicate what you want. "Setting Boundaries and Saying No"  will help you learn to stand up for yourself.  The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty  will help you understand what you want, and make good decisions for yourself in your circumstance.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Living Outside the Box

Dr. Romance writes:

I was speaking with a client today about his burn-out in his career.  This is a man who’s been very successful, earned a lot of money, and worked hard for a big, national corporation.  I told him he was burned-out, and on strike, because he had put himself in a box about work.  The box consisted of four walls:                                                                  

Wall #1: I have to make $$$$ amount of money

Wall #2: I have to work for a certain kind of company

Wall #3: I’m scared about letting myself be creative (the unknown)

Wall #4: I hate all of it. 

When he put up these walls, he was out of options, and stuck in a terrible place.  If he could take down even one of the walls, he could let himself out of the box. 

Later in the afternoon, I was speaking with another client about relationships. He wanted to figure out what ‘box’ (his word) a person in his life would fit in – lover, friend, etc.  I told him that he couldn’t put another person in a box – the only one he could put in a box was himself– what he was willing to do in the relationship, and what he wasn’t willing to do. And then make sure he set those boundaries for himself and lived up to it.                                                           

I frequently see people who are unhappy in their relationships, and feel too stuck to do anything about it.  Their boxes usually consist of the following walls:

Wall #1: I’m very unhappy, but I can’t do anything about it

Wall #2: I have to keep this relationship, I won’t find another.

Wall #3: I can’t tell my partner what’s wrong, because he or she would be angry/hurt.

Wall #4: I can’t change what I’m doing without my partner’s consent. 

Again, looking at the imaginary walls that have you trapped, and letting down even one wall can give you the power you need to make changes, improve your relationship and create a happier life. 

There are many possible boxes you can encounter in life.  It’s easy to get locked in by shoulds, have-to’s, can’ts and won’ts to the point that you can’t move at all.  We can get stuck in work boxes, family boxes, relationship boxes and health boxes.  Other people can try to put us in boxes.  Boxes are traps constructed of imaginary walls – prohibitions we believe are real, but turn out to be false when examined.

How do you tell if you’re in a box? 

*When you’re boxed in, you’ll feel discouraged and hopeless (people often mistake this for depression,) frustrated, blocked and angry. 

*You may shut down and not be able to get yourself to do things you know would be good for you like take care of your health, be loving toward your partner or family, or be motivated in your career. 

*You may feel cranky and out of sorts, and find yourself pushing friends and family away. 

*The pain of being boxed in can also bring on addiction symptoms – drinking too much, overeating, overspending, or a drug habit. 

What can you do about it?

When one of my clients feels very stressed, stuck and down, I usually suspect they’ve gotten themselves into a box.  After they talk for a while, I can frequently hear them delineate the walls that have them trapped.  When you find yourself feeling trapped and discouraged, you can get out of it by following these steps:

1. Realize that you’ve mentally boxed yourself in with a series of restrictions that feel real, but are actually fiction masquerading as fact.

2. Become aware of the negative messages you’re telling yourself: If you’re telling yourself things like: “It’s too scary” “I can’t do that because....”  “I’m not worth it” “I can’t handle that” “it won’t work;” you’re building and reinforcing walls.

 3. Challenge at least one of the walls.  Create affirmations – positive statements you repeat to yourself to counter negative thoughts – by using a negative thought and turning it around.  “It’s too scary” becomes “I am not afraid.”  “Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude”  will show you more ways to do it.

 4. Take a step outside the box.  Once you see what the mental walls of your box are, and challenge them, you’ll be freed up to try something new, and get out of the box. 

5. Celebrate your accomplishment to create motivation for taking more steps to happiness.

Once you understand that your box is not as real as it feels, you can make your way to a happier life.  May all your dreams come true.

 

Adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction                         

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I seem to ruminate all day about myself

Dear Dr. Romance:  

I live in Scotland and I think we are quite backward when it comes to mental health issues. I have spoken to 2 therapists now about my obsessive thinking, both of whom seem strangely perplexed by what I perceive to be quite a common problem.  I seem to ruminate all day about myself, seeking solutions for a mental health problem.  The problem of which I talk is the fact that I think about having a mental health problem all the time.  As you can see it is just a vicious circle, the reality is that there is no problem other than the thinking about there being a problem and that in turns leads to anxiety about the fact 'it's not normal to be thinking like this all the time'.  Sometimes I can just accept it, other times I let it overwhelm me. 

Hope this makes some sense, I'm looking for some guidance. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
 
Dear Reader:

In order to change obsessive thinking quickly, you must replace the obsessive thoughts with more positive ones. For your problem, I'd suggest you do affirmations along the lines of "I, [your name] am relaxed and mentally healthy."   "Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude" contains specific steps to follow. "Resolving Inner Anarchy" will help you gain control over your thoughts.

It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 
will give you more in-depth work to heal the underlying causes of your perseveration.  

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Was there anything else I could have done?

Dear Dr. Romance   
Recently, I have gone back to online dating but have some very strong concerns.  I just severed a 5-year relationship with a man who seems to have an internet addiction.  He worked from home and was constantly on the porn and personals (by looking at his History).  The internet was rather an intense issue for me making me distrusting our relationship.  We at one time came to an agreement that there would be a limitation with the porn.  But over the 5 years, I came so mentally, emotionally, and physically drained that I was seeing two therapists this year for counseling and medication.  He said that he has it under control.  So while I made arrangements to move out of his house, he was trying to hook up with men for sex.  Then he met up with an out- of -state woman by texting and now has pursued a business and sexual relationship working on a patent to  have a monitoring device to protect women against sexual assault.  Was there anything else I could have done?  This was a very painful experience for me, but it seems that he just moves with one situation to another with no repercussion.

Dear Reader:

You're right to have some doubts about Internet dating and addiction.  It's a very big problem these days, lots of people in my office with Internet addiction problems.  One thing you can do is make sure whomever you meet is connected with people face to face, has friends and goes out to see people and do things with friends.  People with no face-to-face social connections are more likely to have online issues.  How a person relates to you is important, but it is not the only important thing.  Healthy people have social networks, friendships, and interests outside the home. 

 "Stupid Cupid"; "Where is Love?"  and "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship"   will help you gain a better understanding of how to keep yourself safe and to find a healthy partner

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  has the information and exercises you need to create a successful relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I want the playgirl, but they like the bad boy type

Dear Dr. Romance:

This is something that's puzzling me for along time.  I often do want the playgirl, but they like the more bad boy type.

I know for sure I want sex without strings attached, many men get this, but I simply attract women who want a boyfriend, and I don't want this! It seems as if society is saying, cause I'm a nice guy, I must be trapped into a commitment to get what I want which is sex.

The women that are attracted to me are not at my standard level. I know this for a fact. They are not equal to me. They are trying to get a "catch" and something out of their league. I simply can't accept this. However I'm miserable and tormented. But I can't settle for what I don't want either.

Dear Reader:

Men have fantasized about two categories of women for centuries: the "good girl" who is marriage material, and the "bad girl" who is fun but not worthy of commitment. Women are much more complex people than than, and they're now having their turn to reject those notions.

My question is, what do you want and who are you looking for? Your lack of clarity about this probably  projects itself, and women react to the confusion. If you want a playboy life, I guess you'll have to be more like one, but I bet it won't  make you happy. And the women you attract won't make you happy, either. 

Are you looking for a long-term relationship? There are plenty of  worthy women out there who are looking for the same thing. Are you looking for a good time and no expectations?   Then you want a playgirl, who will probably be more attracted to the "bad boy" type, and more interested in what you can give her, materially. Don't forget, though, that you won't be allowed to have any expectations either.  You'll find, if you take the time to sort out your priorities and look a little deeper under the surface, that when you get clear about the kind of real woman and relationship you want, she will appear, like magic.

Well, a relationship with "no strings" is not a relationship, it's a one-night stand, or maybe several, with the same person.  To get sex without strings, you pretty much have to settle for a woman who doesn't want to settle down, or grow up.  Most stable women are looking for relationships. Almost any woman you have sex with several times in a row will think you're in a relationship with her.  The best way to find a woman who doesn't want attachment is to find someone who is married, and wants an affair. Or, you might try someone who has a very demanding career, and just wants sex when she wants it.  Try stating your desires online: be very upfront about it, and see what you get. "Friends With Benefits" might answer some of your questions.  Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will help you figure out what you want and then find it.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

The Good Boss and the Bad Boss: Motivation and How to Create It

Dr. Romance writes:

Many of my clients have come in complaining of a lack of motivation; from not being motivated enough on the job, to not being able to diet, quit smoking, or get out of bed in the morning. They desire to achieve both positive and negative motivations — positive motivations and being motivations toward doing something; negative motivations being toward NOT doing something (not smoking, for example). Almost invariably, the method they have tried before (unsuccessfully) has been to beat themselves into it. This happens through a negative inner dialog, such as: “You lazy person, you’ll never get anywhere;” “you have to do this whether you like it or not;” or “no one will ever love you until you do.” Sometimes, they have tried bribing or persuading themselves, which works for a while, but fails sooner or later. Sometimes, they have gotten another person to push them around, such as a motivational group, hypnosis, a parent or parent substitute, who will insist that they have to behave.

This third option works quite well for some people for a long time. However, the nature of this persuasion is to overpower the client’s natural process, and the people who come to me come because they have rebelled against the authority of that person or group, and find that now they can’t do what they would like to because of their rebellion! The truth is, that if we believe someone else is pushing us around, we are not likely to respond cooperatively. Especially when the “pushy person” is oneself!!! The fact is, no matter how nasty and angry these people get with themselves, they cannot get motivated. Together, my clients and I have had tremendous, verifiable success with these problems, and every client who has worked with me has succeeded in getting motivated, both “negative motivation” and “positive motivation”.

The reason for such success is that creating motivation is easy. I maintain that motivation grows out of celebration and appreciation. I like to state it in equation form: celebration + appreciation = motivation By this I mean that if you can find a way to appreciate yourself for what you’ve already accomplished, and to celebrate your previous successes (and believe em, you CAN find a way), you will find you are “magically” motivated to accomplish more. No struggle, no hassle -- you accomplish out of the pure fun of success! To illustrate what I mean, I will describe two possible employers. The “bad boss” and the “good boss”.

The Bad Boss
●Operates through intimidation and criticism...
●Always complains; never praises (you only know you’re doing OK because the boss says nothing)
●Gets nasty if you make a mistake
●Humiliates you in front of others
●Never thinks you’ve done enough
●Assumes you are lazy and dishonest
●Changes the rules arbitrarily
●Is never satisfied of pleased

The Good Boss
●Praises Frequently
●Always lets you know when you’re doing well
●Asks you what you need whenever you’ve made a mistake;
●Is very helpful
●Is concerned about your well-being as well as your productivity
●Assumes you want to do a good job
●Helps you feel like part of the team
●Treats you as a valued human being
●Is clear about the duties expected of you.

Both of these bosses have the same goal: to get the job done. However, there is a big difference in the success of their individual management styles. Think about your probable reaction to the two styles of management.

The bad boss’s office is characterized by tension and anger. People work only to keep the boss off their backs, and consequently goof-off whenever he/she is not around. They are not efficient, because they are not motivated to accomplish anything, merely to avoid the boss’s anger. They are operating in a mental state we call “adaptation”, which is focused on keeping someone (usually someone angry or nasty) off their backs. They have little loyalty to anything but their paychecks, and perhaps each other, as mistreated prisoners are loyal to each other when confronting the jailer. Offices whicha re characterized by inefficiency and disharmony. If this boss requires overtime, he/she encounters resistance. If you were working for this boss, how would you feel? Would you go to work happily each day? Would you volunteer for extra work? Would you look forward to each new assignment? Probably not. In short, you would not feel highly motivated, would you?

On the other hand, the employees of the good boss tend to care about themselves and their jobs. They feel proud of their accomplishments, and eager to learn more and accomplish more. If the boss is gone, the work still goes on, because people are in a mental state of motivation, and are being gratified by their sense of accomplishment. When this boss requests overtime, he/she will be met with a cooperative response.

Again, take a moment and picture yourself in this situation. How would you feel? Would you feel eager to please this boss? Would you look forward to his/her reaction to your latest work? Would you be willing to help out, if extra work were necessary? Most likely, you would--you would feel enthusiastic and motivated, looking forward to work each day. Notice the difference in your energy in the two situations. Which boss would you rather work for?

In the daily tasks and situations of our lives, we become our own bosses; whether we are aware of it or not. We have a choice about which kind of a boss we wish to be to ourselves. If you really want to be productive, you will choose to become the good boss to yourself. This means you learn to treat yourself with kindness and understanding, be very generous with praise, and gentle with corrections. Then you will accomplish your goals with a sense of pride and achievement, and a great deal of pleasure. You will feel motivated, and wonder why you never realized how easy it was. All of this can be accomplished through the two “magic motivators”: celebration and appreciation.

Most of us know how to appreciate others. However, when it comes to ourselves, we feel embarrassed and uncomfortable if we are too generous with praise. Years of being told not to brag or to be stuck up when we were young have taken their toll, and self-appreciation comes awkwardly. However, if motivation is a desirable trait, then self-appreciation becomes necessary and desirable too. The good news is that you can learn it. If you would like to learn self-appreciation and it is difficult for you, I recommend practicing in several ways. Many of my clients have found it fun to buy small gold foil star stickers (just like in grade school) and award them to themselves for jobs well done, or any achievements they wish to celebrate. Pasting the stars on a calendar daily can be very effective. Go ahead, award yourself lots! Other kinds of stickers are readily available. One of my clients rewarded herself for being successful in her eating program with small stickers representing jelly beans, chocolates and ice cream cones! She got her dessert in praise instead of calories.

Also, it can be effective to remember back to childhood parties and celebrations. One of my clients was told never to make noise because her grandmother was ill. However, she was allowed to play her accordion as loud as she wanted to when she practiced. To this day, playing her accordion feels like a celebration and a chance for her to sound off.

Early birthday parties or holiday outings that were special can also be tapped for ideas. If Mom always cooked a turkey for a big occasion, or set the table with the best china, or a bottle of champagne was served, then those ingredients can indicate celebration and accomplishment. Crepe paper streamers, banners, candles, balloons, flowers, special clothing (your fanciest shoes, a new hat) gatherings of friends, trophies, diplomas and awards can all indicate achievements worth celebrating. Try using one or two of these items on occasions for which you wish to generate motivation. If you are nervous on the first day of the new job, celebrate completing the day with sparkling apple juice or diet cola served in your best champagne flutes, and candles on the dinner table. Put a few gold stars on your calendar for getting through a difficult homework assignment. Buy your little girl a trophy engraved with her name for cleaning up her room for a whole month. There is no such thing as too much praise or celebration. Is there too much motivation? Of course not — the more the merrier. Fresh flowers on the table just to say how much you appreciate yourself can do a lot toward making you happier any day. A new trashy romance novel can be a great reward/celebration for reading your required technical books. The important point is that celebration of what you have accomplished already will create motivation to accomplish more.

Get creative with your celebrations, have fun. Celebrate a cherished friendship with an impromptu lunchtime picnic, and a balloon. Above all, have fun. That’s the objective! If you find yourself around someone who takes command and tells you what you should be doing, or comments unasked about how you are doing things wrong, or otherwise appoints him/herself as the boss in your life, you may find your newly-created motivation flagging. Remember to fire them as your boss. It’s your life, and you are doing whatever you are doing because you want to. You need to give no better reason to anyone but yourself. Once you have fired this self-appointed boss, then you may need to remind yourself of how much you have accomplished without that kind of help.

Celebrate your independence, your spirit, your willingness to be responsible for yourself. It is also possible to set up informative books, articles, television authorities, gurus, etc. up as your boss — in which case, you will again find your motivation flagging. These informational aids can be useful, but only if your keep them in perspective. Remember, the boss gets information about how to run things, gets educated, goes for help when necessary, BUT the boss is still in charge. The information is there for your use, but no expert, or therapist can know if the information is right for you. If you remember who the boss is, then you will use the information wisely and judiciously, rejecting whatever there is that does not suit your style or personality. You will use it to support and further your goals, and to aid in the celebration of your accomplishments. Whenever you find your motivation flagging, look around for how you are doing at being your boss. Are you using a motivational, supportive style? Have you let someone else take over your authority? Is there some appreciation you need? Take a few minutes with yourself every day just for appreciation. It’s easy, fun, and very effective. Dr. Romance wants you to live every day energized and motivated!!

(c)  2022 Tina B. Tessina Adapted from It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: He would like to have sex every time he thinks about it.

Dear Dr. Romance:

My partner says I turn him on which means, it seems to me, that he would like to have sex every time he thinks about it.  It's almost too much and I don't know how to handle it.  My background with sex, including the children's dad, has been: something you do for someone else in the hopes that they will love you.  I guess that's really what it has been, something I do for someone else and, yes I was molested as a young girl and forced/raped the first time.   When I am single, I would masturbate almost every night.  And, when I met my partner, there was GREAT chemistry and sexual excitement but, that seems to have slowed down considerably.  I learned, and decided, after my divorce that I wanted a good sexual relationship with my partner.

So, here I believe is a good opportunity with my partner. However, he almost MUST have sex when he first wakes up, and, if we're together throughout the day, he might want it midday if something turns him on, and, of course, at night before you go to sleep.  Plus, it's not unusual for him to have 2-3 orgasms at one time.   I might have 1 or 2 orgasms a week and sometimes, it just seems like so much work for me to get excited and/or have an orgasm. So, this is my reason for writing.

I would like to continue/connect this with my own sexuality and how can I enjoy it more.  I never have really enjoyed it as much as I am led to believe you can enjoy it.  I would, at least, like to enjoy it as much as is possible for me.

Dear Reader:

Your partner sounds like what renowned  sex researcher Kinsey called a "high frequency male" with a very high sex drive.  You'll never manage to keep up with him. HIs sex drive might even be at addiction level.   

Yes, you can work on freeing up your sexuality and healing the past; that will be great for you and your sex life, but you need to begin negotiating with your partner now: talk to him, tell him his drive is higher than yours (you don't need to explain why) and you two will have to manage some things.  Can you hold him while he masturbates?  Can you let him know when you want to have sex, want an orgasm, and ask him to have orgasms without you when you don't feel like it?  Find out what the options are; when you have the freedom to say "yes or no"  your own sex drive will increase, and you'll enjoy it more. Your partner will notice this.  However, you can't get into any kind of competition with him: he'll always have more sex drive than you do. Share  "Better Intimacy, Better Sex" with him  and talk about it.   Sex is something most couples have to negotiate, and "How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner"   will show you how to do that.   "Relating With Love" will help the two of you communicate. Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed has very clear guidelines for solving problems just like this one.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am not ready to give up

Dear Dr. Romance:

I live and work in NYC.  I am 48 years of age, never married but would definitely like to. I am doing the online dating thing for a while now and so far no success.  I am currently speaking to a gentleman that lives in the Midwest but given he is currently a pilot he feels bicoastal is a good thing for him.  I, of course, am open to it. However,  it's all still very new.  He is going to arrange to meet with me soon and take it from there.   Well, I know it's all talk let's see what happens now.

In any event, the primary reason why I am writing is because I get depressed, lonely and get feelings of hopelessness. Sometimes I feel as though what I am doing is a waste of time.  It really can be discouraging but I try my best to get on my feet.  I have no support structure.  My mother passed away five years ago and my father almost one year ago as well. Therefore, I basically have no family accept for a five year old niece that is currently in foster care about to be adopted.   I am strongly considering relocating out of NYC.  This city has changed drastically since 9/11 and the cost of living has risen tremendously.  I think I can get more for the money elsewhere, but that is in the back of my head and remains to be seen.   I have a distant aunt in Puerto Rico who is discouraging and advices me to give up on the man thing since nothing works for me.  I am not ready to give up.   Although I admit it's discouraging I do have fun trying.   I am unhappy with work and basically have no friends.  Most of what I do to entertain myself I have to do alone and it takes the fun out of things.  It's good to have downtime but I have a bit too much.  There are times that I just don't know what do with myself, or even where to go as big as this city is.  There are but only so many museums you can go to and so many books you can read.   It really just comes down to wanting to be with someone. 

I just wanted to give you a brief background of my current situation.  This gentleman I plan on meeting is 38 years of age and I am 48 years of age. He says he likes older women and does not want a family.  It works fine by now I can't have them he doesn't want them so it's all good.    What is your opinion on this.  I mean it is an 11 year age gap. 

I enjoyed reading your article on "The Colors of You" and it made me cry.  I am going to purchase some of your self help books but don't know which one yet. I read your article on your defeats an successes and congratulations.   Hope to hear from you soon.

Dear Reader:

I'm glad you liked "The Colors of You" and "Life Lessons" I hope you read some of the other articles, too.  You need a change in your life.  If you want to move from NYC, this would be a good time, since you haven't established any connections there, but take care in choosing where you want to life.  NYC has a lot to offer that smaller places just don't have.  Yes, it would probably be cheaper to live elsewhere, but it won't benefit you if you don't like the place. 

I don't think an 11 year age difference is something to worry about, and long distance relationships can work, but one relationship is not enough to fill up your life.  Find some group activities to join.  If you like museums, every one has classes, lectures, and group activities.  Find one you're interested in that has something people come to regularly, and begin attending.  After a few sessions, you'll begin making connections with people, and friendships can grow from that.  You won't find happiness until you find friends; they make all the difference in your life.

The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty will help you figure out how to restructure your life.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I haven't spoken to my maternal grandparents in 5 years

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm not sure if you're willing or able to help, but I've been looking online for a solution to my problem for a while now. As of yet, I've come up empty  handed. My situation is that I'm 21 years old and haven't spoken to my maternal grandparents in 5 years. Somehow with all of the means of communication available and even though we live in the same town, we've managed to completely lose touch. Recently I've been thinking about how to initiate conversation again, but I'm not sure how to go about it. Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Reader:

If you know how to contact them, follow the Nike slogan, and just do it.  "Mirrors and Teachers"   will give you pointers and perspective about strained relationships. It's time you established a new relationship with them as an adult. You were a teenager before, your parents probably handled the grandparent relationship for good or ill, and hopefully, they'll understand this.  Call them up and ask if you can come over and talk to them.  If your grandparents are reasonable people, they'll greet you with love and enthusiasm.  Bring them a treat (dessert, cookies, ice cream, cake) for all of you to share.  If there's some bad history between you, then you should just apologize for your part in it, and don't say anything about what they did wrong.  Just apologize and say you want to start over.  "Apology and Forgiveness"  will help you understand more about it. It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand difficult family dynamics.  I promise you, it won't be as bad as you think.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on 10 signs a guy is cheating on you

Dr. Romance writes:

Telling a guy you won't stand for cheating is a waste of time. Instead, be open and accepting, and encourage him to talk about his sexual exploits. If he's cheated before, he probably will cheat again.  The best protection against cheating is to have open and frank sexual talks: allow him to tell you when he's attracted to someone else. Don't freak out or get upset, he'll just hide it from you. An attraction you two can laugh about together, and incorporate into your own sex fantasy life, is a lot less threatening than one that's a secret. To find out if your man will cheat, you need to take the time to get to know him and get him to open up. To find out if he's cheated in the past ask him a playful question, like: What's the sneakiest thing you've ever done? 

With illicit affairs quite easily available online or at the office, it's often easier for a spouse who is dissatisfied with the relationship to transfer affection to someone else than to take the emotional risk of talking to a partner about dissatisfaction. While most marital dissatisfaction is not that hard to fix, and cheating is usually emotionally devastating for everyone, the cheater has an "instant gratification" mentality, and is just doing what feels good, and feeling unable to control it. He is not thinking of future problems (at least, when connecting with the other person) and is just masking emotional pain. I handle many of these situations, including working with the cheating spouse when the other partner doesn't know.

It's not easy to tell the difference between sex addiction and chronic cheating. The major difference has to do with reasons why. Classic addiction is out of control, compulsive behavior, usually motivated by trying to escape internal pain and turmoil. Is a cheater doing it to self-medicate with adrenaline, or is he just immature and narcissistic? It's easier to cure addiction than narcissism, although addiction can have a component of narcissism (which is stunted emotional growth) These are complicated, circuitous questions, and not easy to parse. It comes down to whether the lack of self control is willful or compulsive.

A man with lots of charm, who says exactly what you want to hear, may be dishonest and narcissistic. His braggadocio may conceal a very wounded soul, along with an alcohol, drug or gambling problem. He lacks impulse control, and a sense of responsibility, because he's a narcissist. That means that emotionally, he's stuck at the narcissistic stage children go through about 2 years old. So, you're dealing with an emotional two year old in a grownup body.

Here's how to tell if your man is cheating:

1. His habits change:
   Your guy, who was always home on time, is suddenly (or gradually) coming home later. Or, he stops answering his phone, spends more money, or dresses better. 
2. He brings 'guilt gifts': 
   A man who never thought of flowers has suddenly started bringing them home
3. Extra bills:
   Unidentifiable charges on his credit card are often the clue that catches him.
4. He stops talking about what he's doing at work:
   This may be a sign that he's keeping a secret
5. Uninterested in sex:
   If he's not interested in sex with you, he may be getting his needs met elsewhere.
6. Secrecy:
7. He doesn't want you to see his phone or computer, so he's probably hiding something.
   He's spending a lot more time online, and there's not a work or other reason.
8. Unreliability: 
   He used to be reliable about appointments and dates, but now he breaks appointments and makes excuses.
9. History of Cheating:
   He has a history of cheating in previous relationships. (Cheaters cheat. That's why it's inadvisable to marry someone who was cheating in an affair with you; when you're the spouse, you'll get cheated on.)
10. He's very demanding about sex:
    Men who feel entitled to sex any way they can get it, have a tendency to rationalize cheating, and just keep doing it.
11. Won't work on the relationship:
    He doesn't want to solve relationship problems with you: He doesn't need to learn to keep intimacy alive with the same person. These men get their jollies from illicit sex (cheating.)

Excerpted from  The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make after Forty

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Why do I always find cowards?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I like your article "Stupid Cupid"  and find that all your down-to-earth questions should be applicable in a daily life of a relationship.  I will forward it to my friends.   I'm writing you about a guy that I met at my dance class. I found him to be very nice and smart.  My immigrant family is concerned for  me and wants to know where I am (especially late at night). He did not like that and said that I should look for a guy from my own country and that he is not even thinking about marriage. I never  mentioned a marriage or asked anything from him. For the most part we were just dancing together.  Why would anyone insist on a relationship for months and want just no-emotions short-term-only-sex relationship instead? Or it is me and my family that scare him? Or is it that I always find cowards?   
 
Dear Reader:
 
I'm glad you enjoy the article, and thanks for forwarding it.  Somehow, your dance partner got the idea that you want marriage, maybe because your family is so concerned about you.  He can see that, to continue dating you, he'd have to be serious, and he's not. If you are really just dancing with him, then tell him that, and that you're not interested in a relationship.  Lots of men want to be 'friends with benefits'  which means sex partners with no commitment.  It's not a good idea for you, so tell him you're not interested in dating or sex, you just want to dance. On the other hand maybe he met someone else, and is trying to let you down easy.  Either way, there's no way to persuade him to be with you if he doesn't want to.  Let him go, move on, and if he really cares, he'll be back.  A lot of men are cowards about commitment as long as they think they can get what they want without committing.   "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will give you some ideas on how to find a guy who really cares. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you find the kind of man that can relate to you. 

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Why is my ex boyfriend still calling?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I read your interesting article  "Age Differences in Dating".  I was in the same relationship until April.  I am 10 years older than my date, and we dated for a couple of years, long after his brief marriage ended.  We seemed to be very compatible; I'm a veterinarian, he trains dogs; we did great for a while.  In many ways, though, it seemed like we had already been married for 20 years.  Not much "dating, " taking each other for granted, not trying as hard, etc.  Then I moved an hour away for another job, and we lasted less than a year after that.  I just wanted him to make a little effort in the relationship and make me feel like I mattered.   I'm a girl, so naturally, I had to write a letter.  In effect, it said that I either needed him to just make the smallest effort or we needed to call it off.  Before he read it, we had the conversation, and he is the one who made it "official." He felt like we hit a dead end, and he wanted to be on his own and be a bachelor for a while.  And maybe after that, "we'd see..."   and still remain friends.  I never put faith in those statements-they always seemed like platitudes.  I had no problem with the reasons he gave, although it made me sad-I loved him, but understood him being on his own. I'm pretty independent, too, so  I get that,  and was never the type woman to keep tabs and keep a leash on him, either.  He just didn't want the responsibility of a girlfriend now.  Fine.

OK, so he had read the letter after that and called in the middle of the night to chat: about the Dog Whisperer and his midnight snack.  When we were together, he went to sleep early.  With rare exception, he has called weekly since then, usually just to chat (a couple of vet questions every once in a while).  I've only had 2 other really serious boyfriends, but when it was over, it was over.  I became friends again with one of them after about a year-he was a client.  But I've not heard of exes calling that often. I don't talk to some of my girlfriends that often.  One may say that he wants me back or wants to leave the door open.  However, he began dating a younger woman, with no education.  I know my ego shouldn't be hurt, but really? Despite that, he still calls.  He did confirm that they were dating and asked if he shouldn't call anymore.  Told him I wasn't sure...I'd like to be able to split him in 2 and keep my friend, but I know the reality.  Then, he was coming through town this past Friday, and asked what did I think of looking at these x-rays of his horse and "if nothing else meet up for lunch."  Well, both my pride and curiosity agreed to it.  We met,  I heard about the new girlfriend, who he said was jealous of me and is already worried he's meeting other women at the gym and when he goes out with his friends, etc.  I asked if she knew we were meeting for lunch-she didn't.  Then I got to hear about their dates.  Gees, why tell me that?    So, I told him about a man I had gone out with.  Then I got 20 questions about him, and felt he put me on the defensive-about the guy having been divorced when I said they were out of the question, his job, where he lived, etc.  He also wouldn't make eye contact and got a little fidgety, but said he was happy for me and hoped it worked out.  Wasn't that sweet.  I didn't ask questions about his new girlfriend.  Anyway, it was strange.  He hugged when we got there and got out of his car (we were looking at x-rays on my laptop) to hug me good bye.  I half hearted returned the hugs. 

Sorry this is so long...I can take the spleen out of a dog, but I can't figure out boys.  These are my questions:
1)  does he truly want to keep me just as a friend in his life?  He actually has lots of friends, so why does his RECENT ex need to be one more?
2)  why keep calling me when he is dating another girl, who doesn't know he is doing that & likely won't know we met for lunch? not very nice
3) why is he dating her at all when he broke up with me to be a bachelor?  One could say it's just for sex, but they actually do go out in public.  Even when our relationship was bumpy, the sex was always great. 
4) why can't I get up the guts to tell him to quit calling and just leave me alone so I can move on?

I probably wont' see my imaginary boyfriend again-he lives too far away, but I didn't want to seem pitiful or desperate for not seeing anyone and everything else I told him was true!

He is a great guy in a lot of ways, but just wasn't always a good boyfriend.  He is still pretty selfish and wasn't all that concerned with my needs or happiness after a while.  Friends say "well, he's young."  Well, lots of folks are married and have successful relationships, families at 28.  Is he sowing his last oats and wants to keep the door open because I'm the marrying type? I'm not even sure I could go back, but do still have strong feelings for him, even though he could be a jerk.  Yes, I know I need to do what 's best for me, but I just wish I understood his motivation and how he was feeling.  Even my ego would love to hear "I screwed up."  I'm not sure I'd get a straight answer even if I asked why he still calls, or what he'd think of a girlfriend meeting up with her most recent ex. 

Sorry this is so long, but there was a lot more to it than just the subject line-haha.  Hope you have a wonderful day and thanks in advance for any insight you can give. 

P.S.  I have dated a man 10 years older and 1 10 years younger and one my age... and there's really not much difference with any of them!

Dear Reader:

 It sounds like you met this man too soon after his divorce.  He probably cares for you, but isn't ready to settle down, wants to sow some oats while he's "free."  That's why he's with a woman you don't think will keep him interested. 

Yes, he wants you for a friend -- but a friend is someone you can tell your girlfriend about, and someone who can listen to you talk about your relationships.  Neither of you are ready for that.  But, you're not calling it quits any more than he is.

Why doesn't he tell his girlfriend? If you two are not having sex, that's probably within his definition of faithfulness, and what she doesn't know won't hurt him.  That is, he's avoiding conflict by not telling her. 

He's not a loner, so he's dating her so he doesn't have to be alone -- he just doesn't want a commitment, either.

"why can't I get up the guts to tell him to quit calling and just leave me alone so I can move on?"

This is the big question, and only you can answer it.  This guy is obviously not ready for a real relationship, so let him go.  Maybe he'll be back when he's ready, maybe he'll never be ready.  In the meantime, you need to move on.  Treading water here will only waste your time.   "Letting Go Takes Love"and "Where is Love?" will give you more understanding.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will show you how healthy relationships work, and give you more understanding of men. Good luck to you.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm wondering about a "blind date"

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have  been reading your article "Dating: The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting". I certainly will appreciate any wisdom or guidance that you can share.  I'm a minister who ministers to congregations, and I was widowed several years ago.

1. I've pretty much stopped going to any singles group functions. I think you're right when you say that they are not too productive except if they are organized around a specific activity. I don't know of any of those focused activity singles groups going on though. I'd appreciate any further thoughts you have.

2. I'm wondering if you have any further thoughts about friends introducing me to people. I'm thinking that if I would have at least some prior contact with the person they are connecting me with, that would be good, but I'm wondering about a "blind date" without having met the person before. One thing that concerns me is if I don't really pick up on someone whom a friend has fixed me up with that that could jeopardize the friendship. I'm thinking that would be a little different from my meeting someone at a friend's party and asking the friend about that person's availability. But if a friend goes out of his or her way to arrange a date, that's a lot of investment on their part. I welcome any thoughts you have about that. 

3. I really like the idea of getting involved in certain activities that I would enjoy anyway, and then getting to know a number of people in the group. I probably know the answer to this, but these things take time. I certainly know the reality that you need to spend time at a goal you want to reach, but I'm wondering if you have any other particular thoughts about that.

4. On an ongoing basis, I receive invitations to speak to various groups of caregivers and trainers. These invitations come from both the nearby area and all over the country. I'm wondering if these would be good opportunities to meet people. Sometimes these speaking invitations also have a social time like dinner or even parties. Most of the time these are couples, but there are also times where single women are also present.

In the past when I have gotten invitations to speak in other cities, which typically are with individual congregations, I haven't accepted those because it has been much better that I use my time to speak with larger groups representing many congregations. But if my goal is to meet people and to have social connections, I'm thinking it would be good to accept these invitations. For example, several months ago I preached and a couple of days later spoke to a group of current and former ministers and leaders at a church in another city. Then last week I got a note inviting me to a potluck that they are having next month. I'll definitely go. I know you said something in your book about not missing an opportunity for a party.

5. I think my number one challenge at this time is meeting people. Part of it has to do with my schedule, part the fact that I had settled into a pretty comfortable life of work, family, and my late wife pretty much arranging social kinds of things. But this is something I do want to do something about.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry for your loss, and I think it's the right time for you to find a partner.  I think you're right, that the air of desperation in singles groups pretty much precludes meeting someone in a productive way. Because you are in the ministry, I think focusing on church-related social activities will be your source of success.

If your friends want you to meet someone, suggest they either bring her to a church activity where you'll be, or invite you over to dinner or a party. Blind dates are for teenagers, not for your age  group. You want to meet new ladies in a group setting, where you can chat, but not feel committed to anything until you are interested. You're very interested in your vocation and in church, so that could be your social group. The key is finding something that allows you to see people repeatedly, so you can get to know them before you settle on a likely lady.

Yes, this is a good opportunity, especially the ones in your area. If this potluck is a regular thing, try to go several times. If you let the churches do the arranging, by inviting you to dinners and potlucks, I'm certain you'll find someone. You've done your grief work, you know how relationships are, and your goals are realistic. It takes some time to meet enough people to find the one you're looking for, but I'm certain you'll do it.  Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you understand how to find someone you can really succeed with. "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will also help you with this new venture. I wish you the best of luck.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on The Right Way to Love

Dr. Romance writes:

There’s a pervasive myth in our society that there is a right and a wrong way to love. However, there’s not much clarity about what the right might be. We all have difficulty with relationships and difficulty with love. Therefore, we’re liable to draw the uncomfortable conclusion: “Everyone knows how to love correctly except me.”

This attitude leads to blaming, defensiveness, accusing and a general shutdown of any loving feelings. You may feel helpless, betrayed, incompetent, angry and lost. If you become defensive and withdraw from your beloved, things get worse.

There are actually as many ways of loving as there are people — and none of them is wrong. Some ways of loving work better than others. There are an infinite number of ways that work extremely well. This is good news, for it ends forever the fear that love can become boring, or that you can become bored with it. When looked at from this perspective, the object of relationships becomes to discover each other’s way of loving (love style), to learn the style of loving your partner uses and to teach him or her the joys of your own style. In this way, each relationship adds to your options for love. Each couple synthesizes a new love style out of the two they bring together; which is uniquely theirs and which can be restructured as their lifestyles change and grow.

Love

Each of you has your own unique experience with love, and must define it for yourself.

Each of us experiences love in many ways: romantic, practical, spiritual, familial, unconditional, passionate, selfish, and more. Here, I’m talking about love at the practical level, as in our day-to-day relationships.

As we experience it in primary relationships, love is one person's positive experience of another.

Love tends to bring separate people together.
Love is sharing and caring.
Love unites us.
Love is your willingness to share yourself.

Love is a state of being, a feeling, not an action. It is warmth, connectedness, and a desire to be closer. It’s my concern for your well-being as well as my own. Love is someone's recognition in the other of the things he or she likes most about self. Love is not critical or separating; it is accepting and supportive.

We hear much, especially in popular songs, movies, etc., about how painful love is. I disagree.

*Love doesn’t hurt; whatever hurts in a relationship is not love.

*Love isn’t limiting, it’s freeing.

*Love is how you feel; not what you do. The expression of love is one degree removed from the feeling itself. How you behave is not necessarily an accurate barometer of how you love—that depends on your understanding of love and your ability to express yourself effectively.

*Love is a feeling; the expression of love is an art. As with any art, there can be a wide gap between what is expressed and what is felt. The difference between expression and feeling has several contributing factors: self-awareness, honesty, safety, intent and fantasy. As with art, practice and knowledge of technique are helpful.

COMMUNICATION AND MISCOMMUNICATION

Whether you love or not is subject only to your own opinion, no one else’s. The proper answer to the age-old demand, “If you love me, you’ll...” is: “Wrong. I do love you, but I’m not going to do that,” or, “I’ll do that, but it’s not a test of my love.”

Frequently in counseling I’ve seen people let themselves be talked right out of loving each other, like this: When person A says, “If you loved me, you’d…” most often he or she is feeling insecure and asking for reassurance, but asking ineffectively, because it sounds like a demand.

When B is also insecure, and if he or she is unwilling to do whatever is being demanded, B then tends to doubt his or her own loving: “Gee, maybe I don’t love you enough. I’m not willing to do that.”

When A gets this doubtful response on top of his or her initially insecure feelings, A panics: “Oh no! B doesn’t really love me!”

At this point, both A and B are convinced that it’s not working, and everything can go downhill from there, because of simple misunderstanding.

While love is not a behavior but a feeling, accurate and effective communication of feelings is important. It can be very frustrating to love and be unable to communicate that love. We all know the experience of loving someone very much and having them perceive our love as something else.

Marsha: “I loved him so much; I never wanted to be away from him for a minute.”
Bill: “She smothered me! She had no regard for my feelings! I hated it!”

Behavior contributes to accurate expression and is therefore important. It does you no good to love if your behavior is consistently interpreted as unloving.

As in any art, you need to know what you want to express to communicate it effectively. Your personal way of expressing and receiving love is your love style.

Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences is focused on helping you and your partner understand and communicate your personal love styles. 

I wish for you a happy relationship, and a satisfied heart.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: Something has come over me and I can't let go

Dear Dr. Romance:

Me and my wife has been married for 3 months now and I'm afraid there is a major problem already.  A couple of months before we got married, my spouse had an affair, she admitted.  I thought that we could get through that alone since she deeply regretted the mistake and promised to work with me so I can get over it.  The only reason our relationship did not end there is because of our love for each other.  I never thought that I could forgive something like that, but I did.

The problem is, she lied to me about their status.  She told me that they were not interested in each other anymore and they don't call or speak to each other anymore, but they work together so I did not believe her.

Now, it's three months into the marriage and I have proof that she is still infatuated with this other guy, I found out that she is still calling him, hanging out with him, and God knows what else.  I have proof that she called him yesterday morning at 3 AM and wanted to go over, I was at work.

Now, I'm no fool, in my past I would not waste my time over someone like that, but now something has come over me and I can't let go.  If I confront her about this it will lead to a fight, then we will make up, apologize, and promise to work a little harder at this, it's happened before.

My problem is that deep down inside, I think it's over, but I can't deal with that, I really CAN'T.  I still want to try some more.  She keeps convincing me that she really loves me and she will try not to hurt me anymore.  She keeps doing things that makes me believe that she really is trying, we go out, have fun, visit our family (who are so proud of us and think that we are so meant for each other), every now and then we reflect on our wedding reception, watch the video, pictures, it was such a blast, everyone is calling it the wedding of the year.  I know for a fact that she really loves me and we really do have more than love.

I am reaching out to someone before something really drastic happens, I know it's possible, so I really need the help.  I'm an emotional wreck. I don't know what else to do so I plan to confront the guy soon.  I will do anything to save this marriage, I can't give up, I can't live without her, I really think we still have a chance.  PLEASE, I need someone to talk to, I don't know what to do...

Dear Reader:

I suggest you not confront her, but negotiate with her.  Here's what you need to know.

1. Why did she marry you, if she's so enamored of him?  
2.  Does she know what she wants, or is she too confused about her feelings to know?
3.  Can the two of you work together to reach a real agreement, one that you can actually keep?
4.  I strongly suggest you find a counselor (see my  "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely") This situation is pretty volatile, and I'm worried about the well-being of both of you.

If you mean it about doing "anything" to save the marriage,  then the most important thing to do is CALM DOWN.  The worst thing that will happen is the marriage will be over; and you think that's the situation already, so there's nothing more to worry about.

If you get emotional, confront the guy, or make a scene, you could wind up in jail; which wouldn't do a thing for you OR for your marriage.   The only thing you two can do that will work is talk calmly.  Unless you've got a fortune she's after, she probably married you because she loves you, as you say.  So, that's not too bad a reason.  It sounds as if she somewhat emotionally immature, and neither of you really thought about this enough before you got into it.  So, you have to back up and think about it now.

Should you two really be married to each other?  What is your marriage about?   If you can calm down and talk rationally about all the above questions, you'll eventually find out what you want to know, which is:  Does your wife really love you, and is she capable of forming a monogamous commitment?

"Stupid Cupid"  and "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will give you  a clearer idea of what relationships are about.
How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together will show you how to have a real conversation and talk about the truth.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I lost everything

Dear Dr. Romance:
I read your article about "Age Differences in Dating" and thought you might be interested in a case history. I was married to a younger man for twenty years. He was 21 and I was 40 when we met.

I had been in a very unhappy marriage for twenty years and had three sons. I had no intention of marrying again. When I met this handsome younger man who openly pursued me I was flattered. Dating developed into a physical relationship. He was the exact opposite of my former husband and I was amazed that we could talk for hours without boring each other, were interested in the same things, liked the same music, books, etc. There was not even a glaring difference in our physical appearances as I looked ten years younger and he looked that much older, with premature gray hair. 

However, when he asked me to marry him I insisted that we should live together because I could not envision this lasting forever. He was relentless, and enlisted the help of my teenage boys to talk me into marriage. I have to admit that the first few years I secretly kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. He was serious and conservative, I was funny and free spirited. He once told a friend of ours that I was the funniest and most exciting woman he had ever met and he never knew what to expect from me next. To me he was a rock of dependability and security and the most caring, gentle, loving man I had ever met.I guess we complimented each other and each fulfilled the needs of the other.
 
We worked together to build a life and I helped him climb the corporate ladder to become a Vice President. As he became more successful he insisted that I quit my job so I could travel with him on business trips.  It was the first time in my life I did not have to work. I was delighted to finally be just a housewife. We traveled everywhere. Australia, Hong Kong, London, Paris...places I never dreamed I would see. On our thirteenth wedding anniversary we vacationed in Hawaii and everyone thought we were newly weds. We never had a serious disagreement, we did everything together and I felt safe and secure because he took such good care of me. It was the happiest twenty years of my life. I finally felt confident that the other shoe would never drop. I trusted and believed in him...in us.

Then one day, shortly before our twentieth anniversary, he walked into the house and said he was in love with someone else and wanted a divorce. He moved in with her that night. He had been having an affair with her for two months. I later found out that she worked for him. I was devastated, of course. I had no idea he was unhappy in our marriage. I lived with him for 20 years and was suddenly confronted with a total stranger who told me our age difference was more than he could handle. His friends and co-workers did not approve. After all, my oldest son was only three years younger than him. A fact that had not changed over 20 years.

I was 62 years old, had not worked for twelve years and had no means of support. I lost everything because Texas had no alimony at that time. It took years of counseling to get my self respect and self image restored. I am 75 now and have rebuilt my life with new surroundings and new friends. I am still blessed with excellent health and lead a very active life. But there is rarely a day that I do not think about him. I was naïve to believe age doesn't matter. There is a double standard on age, and I don't think that will ever change. However, I would not change that 20 years and will continue to hold those wonderful memories of our time together for the rest of my life.

Dear Reader:
I'm sorry you were so disappointed. The same thing might have happened had you married a man of your own age. I'm proud of you for re-building your life, and for not being bitter, but enjoying your memories. None of us can predict what the future will hold. You might enjoy  "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" and The Ten Smartest Decisions A Woman Can Make After Forty will help you evaluate how far you've come in life.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I wish and expect my wife of 10 years to be more affectionate

Dear Dr. Romance

Here goes, I wish and expect my wife of 10 years to be more affectionate, simple enough? Yet we have talked and have had fights over this many times, we are soul mates so I don't want to go through life thinking "this is as good as it gets and accept it". We love each other but I want more, it seems we both deserve better. There is a ferocious circle that includes job, health, my home town, kids, my anger, her indifference, all sorts of things. We know the root of our problem but it repeats its self over and over.   

 We are moving from my home town to her home state. Banking on this we hope to solve our problems but I think our troubles are so engraved it might follow us. This is not about sex although I would like to share it more often. All I want is more hugs and kisses and not to be taken for granted. 
    
Dear Reader:

This isn't much information, but how do you expect to get more affection by fighting?  Perhaps the two of you need to learn to talk more constructively.  Most couples' problems do repeat, because they can't get far enough away from blaming to solve the problem. Moving will not solve anything; changing what you're doing will solve everything.  If you can use this move as an opportunity to change your interaction with each other, you'll be successful, no matter where you live.  You need to understand what the incentive is for her to be affectionate.  What does she want? Can you make an agreement?

Try listening to your wife, and what she wants, and try to work with her to make that happen, instead of competing with her about whose wants are more important.   "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" , "Better Intimacy, Better Sex"  and "How to be Irresistible to Your Mate" will help you understand what's not working, and show you how to fix it.  

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed  contains exercises and examples that can help you and your wife learn to solve problems, including intimacy and affection problems, together as a team.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on The Keys to a Happy Relationship

Everyone wants the best relationship they can have.

Dr. Romance  explains what makes a relationship work.

The markers of a happy relationship are: Cooperation/partnership, mutuality, laughter and affection. Whether you’re in a relationship now or hoping to be, these keys will help you create a more loving and happier partnership.

The Key to Handling Problems Before They Start:

Be on the lookout for early warning signs that things are getting a little off track between you two:

*If you're feeling resentful of anything; that's a definite warning. Resentment is like rust that can eat away at the foundations of the relationship. You need to talk about it, get it resolved.

*Arguments that won't go away and keep repeating are also signs of trouble.

*Companionable silence is good, resentful silence or hopeless silence (It's no use: he/she won't listen anyway) are problems.

*Problems with sex often indicate problems with other kinds of communication.

The Keys to Caring for Yourself Emotionally, Mentally, and Spiritually Are:

*Understand what you need to be happy.

*Don't dwell on the negative: if something's wrong, just focus on it long enough to understand it, then change focus to finding a solution.

*Don't expect your partner to make you happy: that's your job. You can help each other, but you can't do it for each other; so figure out what you need, then talk to your partner about how to get it.

*Count your blessings: no matter how annoying your partner may be at this moment, there are many good things happening, also. Don't let the negative soak up all your attention.

The Keys to Caring about Your Partner:

*Listen, listen, listen: The three most important words in a relationship are 'tell me more.' To consider your partner's needs, you need to understand them first. Listening does that. If you both know your partner will always be available to hear what you want to say, you'll be much happier. Knowing what your partner wants doesn't mean you have to give in; instead, work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

*Resentment is dangerous to you and your relationship: If you find yourself starting to harbor little resentments, take care of it as a favor to both yourself and your partner. Notice hurt feelings and upsets: don't let them pile up. Talk about it with your partner without being accusing. You can own that something hurt your feelings or upset you without blaming; and your partner is much more likely to own up if he or she does not feel accused.

*Most of the time your partner doesn't realize how you feel until you say it out loud: Take the time to know what you want to fix the problem before you bring it up. Understand why you're hurt, and whether it's something that actually comes from somewhere else: like a previous relationship or your childhood; or it's something particular to your partner. Then, figure out what you'll need to fix it.

The Keys to Common Mistakes that Can Alienate Both of You:

*Not taking responsibility for your bad moods, fears, and other feelings; and letting your partner feel responsible. That separates you.

*Not making sure you have time for your partner also separates you. Don't let TV, Internet, work, kids or other people soak up all the time so you don't have any left for each other. Seek a balance.

*Relaxing too much and becoming complacent. Keep your courting behavior alive, and bring it out regularly. Don’t ever forget that you fell in love with each other. Guard against taking your partner and your relationship for granted.

The Keys to Getting or Staying Out of a Rut:

When you feel like you and your partner are in a rut; you know you love each other, but you've just lost some of that zing when you're together, there are a few fun things you can do to freshen things up.

*Count your blessings, and share what you're grateful for. It will enhance the joy in your relationship.

*If you're bored, you've been lazy: get out there and do something together. A walk, a special meal (at home or out, depending on budget) perusing the photo album, a flower, a note; can all create pleasure and joy. Clear the calendar and spend a day just enjoying each other; including great sex. Have a date, like you used to. The zing will come right back.

*Dress for date night. Women often don't understand how much guys like it when they have pretty underwear or are dressed up. He won't see your extra weight or your little wrinkles: he'll just see that you dressed up for him. He'll like it. And guys, she likes it when you clean up, too. For that date night, dress as carefully as you did when you were really dating.

The Keys to Sharing a Household:

*Learn how to talk over difficult subjects: money, space and style differences; so that they don't escalate into fights.

*Avoid being territorial. You can share space, and blend your styles. Hopefully, there will be enough space that each of you can have a bit of turf that is yours. You need a corner to retreat to when you get on edge with each other or the world.

*To talk about money, use your business skills. It's just math; take the emotion out of it, and talk as you would in a business meeting.

*Share your space and your resources, and also allow each other some privacy and independence. Intimacy thrives when each of you has a sense of separate self.

The Keys to Sharing Parenting:

*To create cooperative parenting, understand that there are a lot more ways to do it successfully than you think. Maybe you liked what your own parents did, and your spouse liked what his or her parents did: but you are two entirely different people, and so are your kids. It's great to find a book or parenting class to give you both neutral ground to talk about it. And you do need to talk about it.

*Each time there's a problem, solve it on the spot, but then talk about it afterward (without the kids around) to work out how to avoid that problem in the future. Update your skills as your kids reach different phases (toddler, preschooler, grammar school, pre-teen, teenager, young adult) so you won't be always scrambling after the fact. Plan ahead together for the next phase. Take the time to enjoy your kids. Make sure they feel like part of the family by doing chores and helping out. Don't give them a free ride; it's not good for their character.

© 2022 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: I am not sure if I am considered his "girlfriend."

Dear Dr. Romance:

Status confused  I met a really great guy online a few months ago. We see each other about once a week, or once every two weeks. He is always doing things for me like working on my car and helping me out in any way he can. However, I am not sure if I am considered his "girlfriend." I also feel like I cannot bring this topic up with him without scaring him off. How can I be sure of my relationship status with this man? Do actions really speak louder than words? And how do I broach the subject to find out if he thinks of me as his girlfriend?   

  
Dear Reader:

If he's working on your car, it's a good sign. Some men show their affection by doing things for you more easily than they can find words. Also, this man may be slow to make up his mind about his feelings. It's important to appreciate what he's doing for you, and let him know that you are grateful.  If things are going well, count your blessings, and don't push for change too quickly.  I could understand this anxiety if you had been together a year or more, but not in just a few months. 

I understand that you'd like to know the status of your relationship, but it's important not to push too hard. Being in a rush to clarify things can work against you.  You may need to help him understand and express his feelings. Choose a relaxed time, tell him you are really enjoying your time together, and ask him how he feels about it.  Use my "Guidelines for being better understood" as a guide for keeping the conversation going well.

Ask him if your friendship is going as well as he would like, or if there's anything you can do for him. Then, whatever he answers (which may not be much, if he has trouble putting his feeling into words), just let the conversation go to other topics. This will give him a chance to think about how he feels about your relationship. Wait a week or two, and try again. It is still early in your dating situation, so take your time and let the discussion grow. If the situation continues  until you're dating for a year or more, it may then be time to ask directly. However, I think if you follow the gradual, low-key method, you'll find out how he feels and what his intent is long before a year has passed. Try to avoid the dreaded "We have to talk about our relationship." It's less intimidating if you ease into it as part of a normal conversation.   Following the "Guidelines for Being Irresistible to your Mate" will help you create a relationship that both of you will cherish. 

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today  will help you understand the process of developing a brand-new relationship.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I've always been asked out

Dear  Dr Romance :
 
 I just read about you and some articles you wrote about Age Differences in Relationships and really enjoyed what you had to say and how you said it.
 
 I now have a question: I am 49 years old and very attractive.  I look like I'm in my thirties.  There is this younger man, early thirties that I am very interested in.  I've always been asked out and never had to ask a man out.  But I don't want to miss this opportunity and would like to ask him out but I don't know how to do it.
 
 Can you please give me advice as to how I should go about it?
 
Dear Reader:

Don't worry so much about asking a man on a date.  I'd suggest that you ask this man for something smaller, like coffee, help with your computer, or a walk, or casual lunch with friends; it's not so devastating if it doesn't work out. Better yet, you need to get into a social circle where you can meet men you'll have a chance to know before you ask them out. 

If you see a man in action within a group, and interact with him without the pressure of dating, you'll be
more able to use the skills you've developed to assess the men and choose a good one.   

"Where Is Love"  and The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting will give you more information about where and how to look. "10 Reasons for Not Falling in Love" helps you look at your fears about dating and relationships and shows you how to overcome them.

Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today will teach you all the skills you need to find and create a successful, loving and satisfying relationship. 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dear Dr. Romance: My 5 yr old step daughter literally tells me what to do

Dear Dr. Romance:

My wife and I were married about 9 months ago, both of us had been married once before, and my wife had a daughter by her last marriage, age 5.  Now I find myself in a situation, where my wife lets her by with murder, and when I punish her, my wife turns on me, and always over-rules me in front of my stepdaughter, my wife says that all I ever do is punish her, and that if I loved her I wouldn't do that, but I only punish her when she's actually mean, or dis-respectful.  Now, its got to the point where my 5 yr old step daughter literally tells me what to do, and my wife expects me to do it. She will  disrespect me, and laugh right in my face, this of course makes me terribly angry, and when I go to punish her, me and my wife end up in an argument.

Also, if she sees that my wife and I are talking, or just spending quality time together, she will interrupt, or jump right into the middle of it, its got to the point that I cannot say 3 words to my wife, or kiss her without, My little girl jumping into the middle of it, I feel that my wife's mouth is firmly planted on her daughters butt. and I resent my stepdaughter for that, because of her my wife and I get no time together. I guess I'm just as jealous as she is, and maybe this is childish, but its got to the point that I feel, and have observed my stepdaughter pitting me and my wife against each other.

Because of this, my marriage is crumbling, my wife is unwilling to make time for me, and by the looks of this, its dragging us all  apart, and I love them more than anything, its just I've tried everything, and I'm so frustrated. well that about sums it up, maybe I am childish, but I don't think wanting some quality time with my wife is wrong, or is wanting  to be looked at as an equal to my stepdaughter in my wife's eyes. 

Dear Reader:

Step parenting is a very difficult thing to do, and you and your wife made a big mistake by not working this out before you married. "The Challenges of Blended Families" will help you understand what is going wrong, and what to do about it.

It's normal for all three of you to be anxious, but taking such a negative view is not helping the situation. You seem to have an antiquated idea of how to parent. You'll do better if you see this as a test of whether you and your wife can become partners, a team, and work together in your marriage.  If you can't figure out  how to parent your step-daughter together, then the marriage probably won't work.  Fighting over it is the worst possible thing you can do.

I know you think you've tried everything, but it sounds as if you haven't sat down with your wife and discussed how the two of you can work together.  That's why I'm suggesting a marriage counselor: someone who can help you have a productive discussion of the issues and the solutions.

The real issue is not competition between you and a small child, the real issue is: how well can you and your wife work together?  Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting over the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship will show you how to negotiate issues like this.  The most important thing you can do is drop the struggle over who's right or wrong (that will lead nowhere) and begin a discussion about what you can do that will work for BOTH of you.

 I strongly suggest you and your wife go to counseling, to help you work out an agreement about who has the right to discipline the daughter, and  how and when it is to take place.   "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  will help you find an appropriate, affordable counselor.  I also think you should  take some parenting classes together so that you'll have a similar understanding of what good, effective parenting is.  Your marriage counselor can recommend local classes.

 

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Dr. Romance on Attitude Adjustment

Dr. Romance writes:

I have blogged before about emotional hygiene, and doing the necessary maintenance on feelings as well as your physical body and household. Health reminders tell us to wash our hands frequently to prevent transmittal of diseases. Did you know you can “wash” your mood, too, and give yourself an attitude adjustment whenever you want to?

When I want to have a pleasant time with Richard, I know it’s important to manage my mood and keep myself on an even keel – if anything happens that’s disappointing, annoying, upsetting or stressful, I need to re-balance myself and not let it get to me or spoil the day.

Here are some ideas for how to turn your attitude around in the most common mood - disrupting situations:

Disappointment and Expectations

We all have high hopes and rosy pictures of the future when we enter a new situation or relationship. so when life turns out not to be perfect, things don’t go the way you hoped, or you find out your partner actually is an imperfect human, just like you, it’s disappointing. You may begin by expecting that your partner will always see your point of view, or that as long as you love each other, everything will be OK, but after a while, reality breaks through and you realize your expectations were unrealistic. If you feel you’re constantly disappointed and frequently angry, consider that it may be because your expectations don’t line up with reality.

No matter how little reality resembles your dreams, there’s no need to squabble about it. We all deal with many disappointments in daily life, at home and at work. In most cases, neither you nor your partner would argue with the boss, colleagues at work, or your child's teacher the way you argue with each other. In domestic situations, you can choose your behavior in the same way -- you don't have to argue with each other. Instead of bickering like children, use your grownup self-control to pull yourself out of the argument. If you're fighting over silly little things, remember you're having symbolic fights--it's not really about who didn't put the cap on the toothpaste, it's about disappointment, who is right, who has the most power, or who deserves to be loved.

Do’s and Don’ts for Handling Disappointment
OK, so you're disappointed. Your dream has ended in the trashbin. You may want to lay on the floor, kicking your heels and screaming; or go on a drunken binge, or beat someone up, but if you try it, you’ll find you're still disappointed, and all that acting out hasn't fixed anything. Disappointment is a dead-end in your road; so you need to figure out a new direction.

Here are some Do's and Don'ts to help you:

DO put it in perspective: If you're disappointed, it hurts, but your life is not over. Look to your future, and see what you can do to make it better.
DO understand that you had some control, but not total control over this: With an objective look at what went wrong, you can make plans to improve your team effort, your skills, your spirit and then look forward to the next event. Don't blame yourself for the things you couldn't control, but change the things you can.
DON'T give up: You’re not a failure unless you quit; so don't quit when you're behind. Instead, get determined to do better.
DO try to learn from the experience: Every disappointment is an opportunity to learn from whatever went wrong. Re-play your mental tapes of the event, and figure out how you can do better.
DON'T expect anyone to sympathize beyond the first few moments: Sympathy feels good for a short while, but it debilitates you in the long run. You'll feel better if you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the game.

Letting go of Resentment, Discontent and Frustration

Discontent and frustration are destructive, because they give rise to hopelessness and despair. If you can’t solve problems, communicate or get along with yourself or someone else, you’ll lose hope that you will ever be able to enjoy life. Resentment and frustration rob your days of the joyous and happy moments. When you’re frustrated and hopeless, you lack patience and the ability to think clearly and creatively. The good news is, you can learn patience and clear thinking.

Acquiring Patience

Learning to be patient and remain calm reduces and relieves stress and worry. Cultivating patience is really learning impulse control -- it's an issue in self-management. You can learn how to do "emotional maintenance" and shake off stress, keep on track of what you want to do, and let go of frustration when something is getting to you. Patience is learning how to wait and think before acting and made sure you understand the options and take control of your own ideas and decisions. It's a growth process, a transformation of self through awareness and learning.

To acquire patience, learn not to act on impulse, but change your thinking and attitude, and reach out for support and encouragement. To learn the necessary patience and determination that enhances your communication, these seven steps will help.

Seven Steps to Help You Learn Patience:

1: Wait: The old advice to “count to 10 before you respond” is a great way to learn patience. Give yourself a chance to give your best response.

2: Use Perspective--put your impulses or desires in perspective-- will it be important an hour from now--fifteen minutes from now? Most of them won't be.

3. Self-understanding: If you are tempted to act or speak on impulse, understand that the impulse is normal, but you don’t have to be run by it. Reactions and impulses are suspect--it's how thoughtfully we act on them that counts. If your impulsive thoughts or actions ruin moments, they’re not worth it.

4: Take a longer view: If you’re reacting because someone upset you (e.g.: your partner hurt your feelings) give a little prayer of thanks that it wasn't worse, say a blessing for your partner, friend or co-worker (who probably needs it) and you'll feel better. If you are tempted to act impulsively, pause a minute and consider your bigger goal--then decide if the momentary impulse is worth setting back your goal.

5. Give yourself a break: If you act on an impulse before thinking about it, acknowledge what you did, then forgive yourself and get back on track. If you find yourself acting impulsively a lot, then maybe your goal is too rigid, and you need to allow a little more room for yourself, or to renegotiate the contract with your spouse. Find an outlet for your impulses where they won’t do harm.

6. Refocus: Impulses are often a reaction to outside circumstances--for example, being annoyed because your partner isn’t available, when you could enjoy using the time you have to yourself. Make sure what you’re doing is what you really want to do.

7: Celebrate: Remember to celebrate your accomplishments and all the times you do what you intend to, keep your promises, and work things out. Frequent small celebrations are a way to reward yourself for patience, and to increase your motivation to be even more patient. Complement and encourgage yourself and others.

adapted from: It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com