DR. Romance Blog

Where is Love?

Probably the most prevalent question I’m asked in my counseling practice is "Where is love?" Clients want to know why they can’t find a successful life partnership, why a friend or family member won’t respond as they would like, even why they don’t love themselves. In a perfect world, love wouldn’t be something we have to learn – if you believe in a loving cosmos, then we were all conceived in Love, and it’s Love that created us. But, we live in a human world, and we’re all imperfect beings, falling short time and time again in our attempts to love one another and even to love ourselves.

So, we have to learn to love, and even learn to be loved. The more we can learn to think of ourselves surrounded by Love, living in Love, breathing Love in and out, the more we begin to feel it, and the more we attract it. As we understand this, we begin to meld our imperfect, human world with the larger, more expansive world of Love, and things begin to happen that we cannot anticipate. Expecting a miracle, as long as we really strive to understand what miraculous means, will actually make it happen. It's not really magic, unless you believe as I do, that the mind is a miracle in itself.

Think of it this way: every opportunity we have to be loving is a course in emotional growth – thinking about love and relationships as a learning experience will make it easier to increase your loving potential.

Most of us are quite practiced in taking courses. If you sign up for an algebra course, for example, you know what you’ll face: 10 (or so) weeks of learning new material and homework assignments consisting of more and more complex problems based on the material learned. You may grumble about the homework load, or complain about the teacher, but you never think you've been given the problems as punishment. Problems are a natural part of the educational process.

Life, too is a classroom with many classes. One of the most rigorous courses is Love 101. It's required, no one escapes it, and the skills learned are useful for an entire lifetime. The syllabus for this class includes love of self, family, and friends. The advanced syllabus includes love of enemies and those who disappoint, hurt or frustrate us. All of the problems presented are to help us stretch and grow emotionally.

Every relationship you have is a learning lesson in love, both of yourself and of the other. By keeping in mind you are a student, and problems are to learn from, you will make life easier, growth faster, and everything will make more sense.

Your homework is to learn about love. This week’s assignment might be some difficulty with a friend or family member. How are you going to solve the problem of loving that friend who’s not treating you well? How are you going to turn an abrasive situation into a smooth path? Or maybe the person who’s not being so nice to you is actually yourself. So, what can you do, when you’re at odds with you, to reconcile and turn the criticism into appreciation and love for self? Sometimes a romantic partner or spouse is the biggest challenge. What if your partner is not listening to you, or resisting your ideas? How can you love that, and make enough room in your heart to hear him or her first, and help the atmosphere change from hostile to loving? And what if your assignment is creating a romance where none exists? How can you do that with love for yourself, and with the positive belief that there’s enough love in this imperfect world that you can have what you want?

Once you’ve been disappointed or hurt, being afraid is natural, and it’s even a healthy response to facing a situation you’ve had trouble with before. Your fears are saying, in effect "I’ve had a bad time with this before -- I don’t feel prepared to do it again." Rather than letting that message frighten you away, learn to love your emotions for wanting to keep you safe, and discover a new, slower, safer path to tread. But don’t give up on the goal. You have learned a lot in your lifetime, and all of us can always learn something more about love.

I wish for you all the love you can imagine, and more.
© 2008 Tina B. Tessina (adapted from "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again")

The Colors of You

As life develops, many of us have an urge to focus on the deeper issues -- our dreams and goals, and our emotional and spiritual development.  When this happens, life gradually becomes more about meaning and satisfaction and less about obligations and accomplishments.  As you mature, you can focus on living the life you always wanted to live, tempered by the wisdom you have gained through your experiences. Up to this point, your life may have been centered around other peoples’ wants, and  the demands of work, home and family, and while those  responsibilities continue, this is the time to bring your personal dreams into reality.   It’s time to consider what you want to do for yourself.

You have learned many things about yourself throughout your life.  You know how you deal with success, with work, with financial decisions, with family, friends and with your relationships.  But how much attention have you paid to your relationship with yourself?  To make your dreams come true, you must turn within to discover what will make you happy.

To me, this deeper look at life is like moving from black and white to color – as when Dorothy steps out of the house after the tornado, and finds she’s in Munchkinland.  Suddenly, everything is brighter, more beautiful, and even a little strange.

This new palette of more colors, deeper responses to life, and more intimate knowledge of yourself gives you an opportunity to re-create yourself, to  be and do all the things you’ve always dreamed of.  If you allow yourself to dream, to aspire, you will begin to plan, and once you have a plan, you can begin taking steps to make it real.  Using our limited time on the planet for a purpose: to create something that is unique, special, and feels good to us is both exciting and satisfying.

Whether you’ve always wanted to heal the planet or just have time to walk in the woods, you don’t have to wait to do it.  You don’t have forever on this planet, and you need to take advantage of your energy, wisdom, enthusiasm and vitality while you still have them.  Perhaps you want to learn to live more simply, or to get politically active -- whatever your dream, simple or complex, if you allow it to emerge, you can find the strength and skills to actualize it.

As a child in Sunday School, you may have been taught “What I am is God’s gift to me, what I become is my Gift to God.” Think of yourself and your life as a gift you are giving.  As a result of your life experience you have become a marvelous package of talents and skills --these talents and skills are your gift. The skills you already possess may be enough to actualize your dream, and make the changes you want to make.  Learning to think positively about who you are, and therefore make the best of each of your traits and talents, will enable you to operate at your most powerful, and to be truly satisfied with the results.  Your talents, skills and wisdom are some of the many colors of you.

You may have always thought you were too quiet, or too talkative, too aggressive or too passive-- but what happens if you reevaluate “too quiet” to mean that you’re a good listener, or “too talkative” to mean you are an excellent communicator?  Traits you perceive as too aggressive can be considered leadership qualities, and “too passive” traits can mean you’re an excellent support or follow-up person.  When you think of personality traits as distinct colors in a palette you realize that each of the colors can be useful in the right circumstance.  Your favorite color may be blue, your least favorite orange, but you’ll find you can’t paint the sunset over the ocean without both.  You can stop looking at your character traits as “good “ or “bad,” but begin to evaluate them as tools you can use, or different colors for painting.  Now is the time to discover the colors of your own personal palette.   (Adapted from The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty) © 2004 Tina B. Tessina

Your Internal Weather System

Dr. Romance writes: The minute the weather gets a little hotter or colder or even foggier than usual, people in Southern California love to complain.  You could almost say we’re so used to mild conditions that we become afraid of what others would call “real” weather – we've become weather wimps. But there's another kind of weather that many people everywhere are wimpy about:  Internal weather.

Being afraid, ashamed of, or embarrassed by your feelings is like being afraid of the weather, because emotions (tears, panic attacks, angry outbursts, withdrawal, depression, elation, lust, romantic excitement, euphoria) are the weather conditions of the inner self.

Certainly there are weather conditions that are fearsome, such as hurricanes, earthquakes, floods, exploding volcanoes and fierce fires, and we need to control these if we can, and protect ourselves from them. But, like the weather, most emotional climate conditions are pretty mild. My clients have found it very helpful to use the metaphors of weather to understand how natural and normal all feelings are. Here are my thoughts on the basics of emotional weather. I’d love to hear your ideas and reactions.

Sunshine

Your smile lights up your face the way the sun lights our day. Smiles can come from behind clouds or after emotional storms. The smile signals that all is well, pressure is equalized and the coast is clear to be out and open and have some fun.

Rain

Like rain, tears can be stormy or just a light sprinkle, and feel angry, cold, dreary and sad, or even come through the sunshine. Rain often follows a change of weather pressure, and tears can be the result of release of inner tension. People frequently cry from relief that they've been heard or that they can see a solution where there appeared to be a problem. Those who suffer from a trauma or a loss normally cry a little after the first shock of finding out, as the awful pressure of the news is absorbed and the grief sets in. Rain first carries with it the dust suspended in the air, and then washes everything clean as it continues. Emotional rain, too, can first be painful, and then begin to bring release and clarity. A "good cry" is one that really lets go of the held feelings and continues until relief sets in.

Rainbows

When you allow the tears to flow until your natural smile returns, you will feel hopeful again -- hope is the rainbow of our internal climate. Like a rainbow, hope doesn't exist until the conditions are right -- after there has been a disappointment, and the disappointment has been accepted completely enough to let the sun shine once more. That smile, coming thorough sadness, brings with it a renewed feeling of hope.

Storms

Sometimes reluctance to express unhappiness or discomfort builds pressure that eventually releases in a rush, like a storm. Violent storms shake things up, just as strong anger does. Anger that is allowed to get out of control is as destructive as a hurricane, but anger that is expressed in healthy ways can "clear the air" just as a storm does. The aftermath of a healthy, not too violent storm allows us to appreciate the pleasures of calmness.

Cloudiness and fog

Emotionally, things are not always very clear. It’s normal to feel foggy and unsure, or depressed and dark from time to time. If you can remember it's just your emotional climate, and explore it to discover the cause, the fog will lift, the clouds will part, it may rain or storm a little, but the sun will eventually come out again. Normal depression that is not allowed to take its natural course, not opened up to let the fresh air in, can turn into emotional smog, or internal pollution.

Smog

Emotional smog, like the weather kind, is just the normal cloudy/foggy conditions with man-made junk added. We call it clinical depression. Everyone is down from time to time, but those who attack themselves when down, or have others around who pollute their internal atmosphere with criticism or shaming, become smog-bound, and can't clear up their internal atmosphere. Letting in the fresh air of interest and the warmth of emotional support allows the fog to lift, and the sun to come out again.

Internal Weather Report

If you try paying the same amount of daily attention to your internal conditions as you probably do to the weather report, and begin to regard your feelings as naturally as weather, you'll become much more emotionally comfortable. Like weather, your feelings are easier to accept and live with when you manage them, respond to them and don't try to resist them or deny them. If you understand your feelings as weather, you can have many lovely inner days.

Your sixth sense

Human attributes, we are taught, include five senses: sight, sound, taste, touch and smell. Only in science fiction do we read about a sixth sense, which is usually depicted as a psychic sense. If you think about it, however, your emotions are your real “sixth sense.” Just like your other five senses, your emotions register data about the external world. With your sight, your eyes take in data about colors, shapes and relative sizes of the things in the world around us. Touch tells us how things feel, how warm, cold, soft, hard, sharp or smooth they are. Your emotions tell you what others’ feelings are. We can sense, in an almost psychic way, how someone feels at a distance, without being told.

By comparing what our other senses tell us about others (smiles, frowns, tension, “prickly vibes,” relaxed breathing and an indescribable type of data we call empathy) with what we know about our own inner feelings, we draw conclusions about what other people are feeling. Without being told, we know when someone is angry, when someone has strong positive or negative feelings toward us, and when we are loved. With conscientious practice, people can improve their use of senses, such as being a wine taster, reading braille, refining your sense of color as an artist, or learning to tell different fabrics by texture. Certain people, such as psychotherapists and actors, practice and refine emotions until they can sense very small changes.

As a psychotherapist, I “read” my clients’ emotions and give them feedback to help them sort out emotional confusion. “You say you’re fine, but you appear to be angry,” I might say to someone who is disconnected from his feelings.

Sight is an external sense – we only see what’s outside us. Touch, however, is both internal and external. We can feel food go down our gullet, on occasion we can feel our own heartbeat, and we can feel muscle cramps and movement from inside the body.

Emotions are a sense that is simultaneously internal and external. To our emotions, it’s as if there’s no limit to our bodies, and our skin is transparent. We feel our feelings on the inside, and yet they reach out and touch people and tell us what they’re feeling, too. It is a type of psychic sense, especially to people who develop it. Just as your sight helps you navigate the roads, avoid obstacles, and choose the best route, your emotions are the sense that help you navigate the paths of relationships. If you are knowledgeable about your feelings, and your sensitivity to others’ feelings, you can be much more effective in all your relationships, maximizing your love, your intimacy, your emotional well-being, and your happiness.

Practicing emotion

You can refine and sensitize yourself to your feelings by “tracking” what you are feeling on a daily basis: Just stop a few times each day and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” Once you get comfortable with that, you can spend some time people watching, and guess what they might be feeling. You won’t know if you’ve guessed right unless you ask, but just practicing paying attention will sharpen your skills. (from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction (New Page Books, 2003)" © 2004 Tina B. Tessina  

State of the Union Meeting

Dr Romance recommends couples increase their mutual respect and appreciation by having a regular "State of the Union" meeting. Here are two simple techniques you can use in all kinds of relationships: couples, families, even work partners and friends, to enhance your cooperation, tolerance and rationality, and to defuse conflict as soon as it arises.

Whether you are single, dating, married or have a family of your own, having a regular weekly meeting date to discuss the state of the relationship will make a tremendous difference in the emotional tenor of the relationship. If you’re blending a family from previous situations, you’ll find it makes a huge difference in your success.

When you have a regular chance to talk about what’s going on in the relationship, problems, resentment and frustration don’t get a chance to build. If you have children, every member of your family has a right to have his or her opinions respected. You don’t have to agree or go along with what your child or spouse wants, but you should at least know what it is, and your child should know why you’re overriding his or her preferences. Regular couple or family meetings, where everyone including the children expresses feelings, negative and positive, and all of you work together to solve problems, can help a lot.

Begin couple or family meetings as early in the relationship as possible, whether you think you have any issues to discuss or not. If you set a pattern of doing this early in a relationship, it will be easy to expand the group to include children if you have them. For relationships and families that are already established, it might feel a bit awkward to begin the meetings at first, but if you follow the steps below, everyone will soon experience the value of having an appropriate time and place to talk about issues and plans. Once everyone becomes familiar with the process, the formality of the meeting will relax, problems will be minor, and the couple or whole family can use the time for bonding, sharing stories and experiences, and creating quality time together.

Sit down on a weekly basis with your partner or family, and discuss everything about your relationship, positive and problematic, and how it’s going for each of you. If you have small children, include them and get their input, also. Choose a time when everyone can get together weekly, and suggest to everyone that you order pizza, or cook something together.

Begin the session with a brief prayer or blessing, and a round of complements, where each member gives a complement to every other member ‘ this creates a positive atmosphere.

At the meeting, each person present can follow these steps:

1. Gratitude: Each person states a positive thing about each person in the family, preferably something that has happened this week. For example, "I really appreciate how much you helped me this week when you knew I had a deadline at work." Or, "I noticed that you made a big effort to keep the kitchen clean." Or, "Thank you for your sense of humor. It really helps when you make me laugh when I’m getting too serious." Be sure to thank the person after praising them. If you follow a religious tradition, you can open the meeting by giving thanks in the manner of your faith.

2. Improvements: Each person then mentions one thing they want to improve, and what they want to do to make it better. Small children will need help until they understand, but they will catch on quickly. Even you and one child can do this. The rule is that, in order to bring up a complaint, you must have a suggestion for a solution, even if you don’t think it’s the best possible solution.

3. Problem Solving: If anyone has a problem to solve, he or she can describes it, and then asks for help from the group to solve it. Everyone can work together to come up with a solution. Be careful not to allow the description of the problem to deteriorate into criticism and complaining. To state a problem use matter_of_fact terms, and use I messages: "I get discouraged and frustrated when the house gets messy." "We need to come up with some money to fix the car." "I have a problem at school." "I need help figuring out how not to fight with Susie anymore".

This simple meeting will do more for the state of your intimate or family relationship than you can imagine. If you deal with them early, and approach them with a team spirit of solving them together, most problems can be solved before they become disasters.

These meetings will accomplish a great deal, and can change the nature of what I call your ‘relationship reservoir:’ Every relationship (including family, friends and parent/child relationships) has what I call the "relationship reservoir."

Every relationship (including those with family, friends and between parents and children) has what I call the "relationship reservoir". Over the course of your relationship, the interaction between you ‘ every kind or unkind word, every gesture of support or criticism, every honest or dishonest interaction between you, every gesture of affection or coldness, add up over the time you spend together.

If you fill your reservoir with good feelings, forgiveness, support, honesty, appreciation, caring, affection, emotional intimacy (and sexual intimacy where appropriate,) you build up a backlog of good will and affection ‘ your memories will be warm and mutually admiring.

If you fill it with coldness, criticism, ingratitude, dishonesty, demands, and dissatisfaction, you’ll have a reservoir of resentment and disdain.

Each time your relationship makes demands on you as a result of major problems, separations, disagreements, illnesses, and stress, you will draw on your relationship reservoir. If you have built up a supply of good feelings and goodwill with your daily interaction, you’ll cheerfully give what’s asked of you. If not, whatever’s asked will seem like too much to give.

I wish you a reservoir overflowing with warmth and good feelings – the true guarantee of a lasting relationship.

These tips are from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage 

Grief: From Surviving to Thriving

Dr. Romance has had many clients who are grieving, and wrote this to help. 

None of us wants to think about it, but the standard definition of a totally successful relationship is the old, traditional "til death do us part." Any time we love, whether it’s a life partner, a dear friend, a child, a sibling, a parent or even a beloved pet, we are risking the loss of that love.

When you're happy with someone, you often don't think about your happiness or even fully realize it. You may take your contentment for granted. You watch couples around you struggle, or even go through your own struggles, and realize you’re lucky to have a successful partnership, but you don’t dwell on it. Then comes the tragic event, and the world turns upside-down.

If it's a long illness, the support system your partner used to be is gone, and you are required to be the support system.  Depending on the length of an illness, you may begin to grieve as your partner declines. All the little things you took for granted become crystal clear in their absence.  If the death is sudden (i.e. auto accident, brain aneurism) you go into shock at first.  Either way, you must go through the necessary awfulness -- identifying the body, making funeral arrangements, notifying people, comforting relatives, friends and children and the memorial itself – like a robot, mostly without feeling.   

It isn't until weeks or months after the burial that you really get to experience.....Grief. Grief is an organic process, it has its own wisdom, and it needs a witness. An understanding friend may be able to listen and be with you, and that is very healing. There is nothing you can do to make such a tragedy less tragic, so the grief, anger and frustration that you feel are normal reactions to the circumstances. Slowly, you go through the stages of grief: shock, anger, seeking, depression and peace. It's normal to feel fear that this might happen again, rage that it happened at all, a need for prayer and comfort, bouts of being overwhelmed and thinking you can't go on, and, finally, acceptance and understanding that this devastating event is a part of the risky life we humans all live. These feelings will come jumbled up, they'll recycle, and come in different order. As the shock wears off, and the permanence of the loss sets in, many feelings emerge:  Some people may feel a bit relieved, some will be angry, some will pray or question God, and others just feel exhausted, disconnected, and overwhelmed . This jumble of feelings includes the anger, seeking and depression phases.

To help you sort them out, here are some possibilities

* If you feel inspired to do something hopeful (for example, setting up a memorial fund, or praying, giving blood, writing letters), do it.

* If you feel discouraged, just feel it -- it will pass, and it may indicate that you need a rest.

* If you feel like laughing, don't worry about it -- it's a good way to manage tragedy. It often signifies the beginning of healing.

* If you feel angry, remember anger is the underside of love -- it's an expression of the value you attach to the life lost, and very appropriate. But it, too, will come and go and fade with time.

* If you are afraid, of course you are. We are all programmed to want to live, and being so heavily confronted with the fragility of life is terrifying. Yes, it could have been you, it will eventually be you, but we humans are resilient, and the fear, too will pass.

* If you feel hopeless, it is because you are realizing that life is not in your own control. This is when faith and a belief in a higher purpose to life is very helpful. If you haven't discovered a belief in higher purpose, then this would be a good time to search. Talk to clergy, read philosophy, meditate, pray, even get your fortune told. All these methods of attempting to understand the ineffable are imperfect, but they all can help.

* If you need support for your own struggle with these issues, gather friends, family and neighbors around you. We never need each other more than at times like this. We need to feel a part of a larger, safer group. Although you may want solitude from time to time, to get your thoughts together, be careful not to get too isolated

Getting through the jumble of feelings that is the grief process will take at least a year, perhaps several. The first year is the hardest, because you encounter special days, birthdays, holidays and anniversaries all around the calendar. Once you've survived each of these once, it gets a little easier. Eventually you will have survived and healed, and be willing to take another chance. The promise of happiness is strong enough that the risk is worth it. You'll probably experience some guilt, but know that if your former partner loved you, she or he would want you to be happy. This new relationship will feel even more precious than the previous one, because you'll know that it isn't here forever. You'll have a feeling of gratitude toward your previous partner, for the love you shared and what it taught you that makes it possible to have this new love. To contact me or ask questions, you can visit my website at http://www.tinatessina.com or comment here. 

The Good Boss and the Bad Boss: Motivation and How to Create It

Many of my clients have come in complaining of a lack of motivation; from not being motivated enough on the job, to not being able to diet, quit smoking, or get out of bed in the morning. They desire to achieve both positive and negative motivations — positive motivations and being motivations toward doing something; negative motiviations being toward NOT doing something (not smoking, for example). Almost invariably, the method they have tried before (unsuccessfully) has been to beat themselves into it. This happens through a negative inner dialog, such as: “You lazy person, you’ll never get anywhere;” “you have to do this whether you like it or not;” or “no one will ever love you until you do.” Sometimes, they have tried bribing or persuading themselves, which works for a while, but fails sooner or later. Sometimes, they have gotten another person to push them around, such as a motivational group, hypnosis, a parent or parent substitute, who will insist that they have to behave. This third option works quite well for some people for a long time. However, the nature of this persuasion is to overpower the client’s natural process, and the people who come to me come because they have rebelled against the authority of that person or group, and findthat now they can’t do what they would like to because of their rebellion! The truth is, that if we believe someone else is pushing us around, we are not likely to respond cooperatively. Especially when the “pushy person” is oneself!!! The fact is, no matter how nasty and angry these people get with themselves, they cannot get motivated. Together, my clients and I have had tremendous, verifiable success with these problems, and every client who has worked with me has succeeded in getting motivated, both “negative motivation” and “positive motivation”. The reason for such success is htat creating motivation is easy. I maintain that motivation grows out of celebration and appreciation. I like to state it in equation form: celebration + appreciation = motivation By this I mean that if you can find a way to appreciate yourself for what you’ve already accomplished, and to celebrate your previous successes (and believe em, you CAN find a way), you will find you are “magically” motivated to accomplish more. No struggle, no hassle -- you accomplish out of the pure fun of success! To illustrate what I mean, I will describe two possible employers. The “bad boss” and the “good boss”.

The Bad Boss
●Operates through intimidation and criticism...
●Always complains; never praises (you only know you’re doing OK because the boss says nothing)
●Gets nasty if you make a mistake
●Humiliates you in front of others
●Never thinks you’ve done enough
●Assumes you are lazy and dishonest
●Changes the rules arbitrarily
●Is never satisfied of pleased

The Good Boss
●Praises Frequently
●Always lets you know when you’re doing well
●Asks you what you need whenever you’ve made a mistake;
●Is very helpful
●Is concerned about your well-being as well as your productivity
●Assumes you want to do a good job
●Helps you feel like part of the team
●Treats you as a valued human being
●Is clear about the duties expected of you.

Both of these bosses have the same goal: to get the job done. However, there is a big difference in the success of their individual management styles. Think about your probable reaction to the two styles of management.

The bad boss’s office is characterized by tension and anger. People work only to keep the boss off their backs, and consequently goof-off whenever he/she is not around. They are not efficient, because they are not motivated to accomplish anything, merely to avoid the boss’s anger. They are operating in a mental state we call “adaptation”, which is focused on keeping someone (usually someone angry or nasty) off their backs. They have little loyalty to anything but their paychecks, and perhaps each other, as mistreated prisoners are loyal to each other when confronting the jailer. Offices whicha re characterized by inefficiency and disharmony. If this boss requires overtime, he/she encounters resistance. If you were working for this boss, how would you feel? Would you go to work happily each day? Would you volunteer for extra work? Would you look forward to each new assignment? Probably not. In short, you would not feel highly motivated, would you?

On the other hand, the employees of the good boss tend to care about themselves and their jobs. They feel proud of their accomplishments, and eager to learn more and accomplish more. If the boss is gone, the work still goes on, because people are in a mental state of motivation, and are being gratified by their sense of accomplishment. When this boss requests overtime, he/she will be met with a cooperative response.

Again, take a moment and picture yourself in this situation. How would you feel? Would you feel eager to please this boss? Would you look forward to his/her reaction to your latest work? Would you be willing to help out, if extra work were necessary? Most likely, you would--you would feel enthusiastic and motivated, looking forward to work each day. Notice the difference in your energy in the two situations. Which boss would you rather work for?

In the daily tasks and situations of our lives, we become our own bosses; whether we are aware of it or not. We have a choice about which kind of a boss we wish to be to ourselves. If you really want to be productive, you will choose to become the good boss to yourself. This means you learn to treat yourself with kindness and understanding, be very generous with praise, and gentle with corrections. Then you will accomplish your goals with a sense of pride and achievement, and a great deal of pleasure. You will feel motivated, and wonder why you never realized how easy it was. All of this can be accomplished through the two “magic motivators”: celebration and appreciation.

Most of us know how to appreciate others. However, when it comes to ourselves, we feel embarrassed and uncomfortable if we are too generous with praise. Years of being told not to brag or to be stuck up when we were young have taken their toll, and self-appreciation comes awkwardly. However, if motivation is a desirable trait, then self-appreciation becomes necessary and desirable too. The good news is that you can learn it. If you would like to learn self-appreciation and it is difficult for you, I recommend practicing in several ways. Many of my clients have found it fun to buy small gold foil star stickers (just like in grade school) and award them to themselves for jobs well done, or any achievements they wish to celebrate. Pasting the stars on a calendar daily can be very effective. Go ahead, award yourself lots! Other kinds of stickers are readily available. One of my clients rewarded herself for being successful in her eating program with small stickers representing jelly beans, chocolates and ice cream cones! She got her dessert in praise instead of calories.

Also, it can be effective to remember back to childhood parties and celebrations. One of my clients was told never to make noise because her grandmother was ill. However, she was allowed to play her accordion as loud as she wanted to when she practiced. To this day, playing her accordion feels like a celebration and a chance for her to sound off.

Early birthday parties or holiday outings that were special can also be tapped for ideas. If Mom always cooked a turkey for a big occasion, or set the table with the best china, or a bottle of champagne was served, then those ingredients can indicate celebration and accomplishment. Crepe paper streamers, banners, candles, balloons, flowers, special clothing (your fanciest shoes, a new hat) gatherings of friends, trophies, diplomas and awards can all indicate achievements worth celebrating. Try using one or two of these items on occasions for which you wish to generate motivation. If you are nervous on the first day of the new job, celebrate completing the day with sparkling apple juice or diet cola served in your best champagne flutes, and candles on the dinner table. Put a few gold stars on your calendar for getting through a difficult homework assignment. Buy your little girl a trophy engraved with her name for cleaning up her room for a whole month. There is no such thing as too much praise or celebration. Is there too much motivation? Of course not — the more the merrier. Fresh flowers on the table just to say how much you appreciate yourself can do a lot toward making you happier any day. A new trashy romance novel can be a great reward/celebration for reading your required technical books. The important point is that celebration of what you have accomplished already will create motivation to accomplish more.

Get creative with your celebrations, have fun. Celebrate a cherished friendship with an impromptu lunchtime picnic, and a balloon. Above all, have fun. That’s the objective! If you find yourself around someone who takes command and tells you what you should be doing, or comments unasked about how you are doing things wrong, or otherwise appoints him/herself as the boss in your life, you may find your newly-created motivation flagging. Remember to fire them as your boss. It’s your life, and you are doing whatever you are doing because you want to. You need to give no better reason to anyone but yourself. Once you have fired this self-appointed boss, then you may need to remind yourself of how much you have accomplished without that kind of help.

Celebrate your independence, your spirit, your willingness to be responsible for yourself. It is also possible to set up informative books, articles, television authorities, gurus, etc. up as your boss — in which case, you will again find your motivation flagging. These informational aids can be useful, but only if your keep them in perspective. Remember, the boss gets information about how to run things, gets educated, goes for help when necessary, BUT the boss is still in charge. The information is there for your use, butno expert, (no, not even a therapist) can know if the information is right for you. If you remember who the boss is, then you will use the information wisely and judiciously, rejecting whatever there is that does not suit your style or personality. You will use it to support and further your goals, and to aid in the celebration of your accomplishments. Whenever you find your motivation flagging, look around for how you are doing at being your boss. Are you using a motivational, supportive style? Have you let someone else take over your authority? Is there some appreciation you need? Take a few minutes with yourself every day just for appreciation. It’s easy, fun, and very effective. Dr. Romance wants you to live every day energized and motivated!!

From It Ends With You  (c) Tina B. Tessina

It's a Dirty Job: Try the Silly Solution for a Healthy Relationship

Early in our marriage, after a difficult struggle between us, I gave my husband Richard a card. All over the front it said, "I love you," and inside it said, "It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it." That phrase has carried us through many difficult times since.

I read many articles about what happens "after the passion dies" in long-term relationships, and my clients frequently are worried about the same question. I believe what happens, when all goes

well, is that a sense of humor sets in.

The burden of passion can be a heavy one. Having to rev up the energy for a passionate, heavy-breathing session making love after a hard day's work can be an appalling prospect. How much more inviting it is to be able to have a silly giggle session, complete with sexual play, with the dearest person I know. Suddenly, the heaviness and obligation are gone, and if I'm too tired to be passionate and alluring, I always seem to have the energy to "mess around".

Arguments are hard to have with a lovable three- year-old, which is what my husband can become at the drop of an accusation. He puts his hands on his hips, sticks out his chin, and (in a perfect imitation of a kid mimicking an angry parent) says, "Who did that?" He then points his finger at whatever offense (a messy table, a forgotten chore) I've lost my sense of humor about. Watching him, I can't hang on to my anger. After we laugh, then we can do something constructive about the problem.

P1ease understand that I'm speaking of humor, not irresponsibility. We are both adults, self-starters, business owners, and we have an equal, relatively balanced relationship. We hashed that in our first few years of marriage. We get angry with each other mostly out of irritability, exhaustion and frustration with our heavy schedules - not because either one of us is slacking off. Things don't get done at times because we have hectic lives, and hectic lives benefit greatly from a sense of humor.

I guess it takes a certain amount of self-acceptance to create healthy humor, rather than the hurtful kind; but then again, this loving, shared laughter has also enhanced my degree of self-awareness. The paradox seems to be that having permission for childlike play also gives permission to be responsible and self-accepting. We don't make nasty jokes about each other and our love; we share a sense of humor about it, and it makes a big difference. We laugh together, and it feels good.

We have been together twenty-five years, and using gentle humor still works. We've been together longer than either of us has been with anyone else, and I don't feel in danger of being bored. I seem to easily run out of things to be passionate or dramatic about, but laughter never gets boring. It's also difficult to store up resentments against the person in my life who makes it easiest for me to laugh.

I find myself looking for ways to make Richard laugh; and the more I practice it, The better I get. He seems to  know my "laugh buttons" better, too. Could he be looking for them? I wouldn't be surprised.

So, rather than treasuring old grudges, old hurts, we treasure old jokes and funny lines. I know I can turn to Richard and say "it's a dirty job ..." and get an answering smile. I also know he understands when I say that phrase, that I love him, "warts and all." It's a good feeling.

There are times when an overwhelming feeling of warmth and caring flows over me, and many of those times are when I laugh with Richard. Humor seems to be the secret, at least for us, in both keeping our love fresh and alive, and in feeling confident that we will not lose our "specialness" to each other.

The more we learn about living together, The less we struggle, and the less we struggle, the more we laugh and play. In many years of counseling couples, I have learned that struggle is often used by families to structure time. As a partner in this relationship, I have learned that replacing the drama of struggle with the delight of humor can be a positive addiction; and a powerful solution for what to do with our time together.

The net result of all this is that I have become an advocate of the "silly solution", and it is working better than all the seriousness I used to think my relationships required. I wish for you a lighter step, daily laughter, and love that makes you smile. (from Money, Sex and Kids © 2008 Tina B. Tessina )

You Are a Gift

Each of us is individual, special and different for a reason: You are a gift to the planet.

Anthropology tells us we are different because we survive better that way – the recombining of genes in sexual reproduction makes us a stronger species than cloning would.

However, that doesn’t account for the beauty of our differences. Each of us is a special package, a gift to the planet. If you’re looking for a reason for your life, look into your gifts. The whole point is to discover what you have to give, and to give it as effectively as possible.

I believe I came into this planet to heal: First, to heal myself and learn to value who I am, then to help heal the planet, one person at a time.

Healing is an art; not just a science or a technology. It’s not enough to throw the latest scientific discovery or medical advance at the problem – you have to get into all the messy, bleeding, hurting parts, sort out the problem, and clear the blocks so the healing can begin.

All my experience, personal and professional verifies that this is the only way it can be done. There are many different paths that can be used to get into the healing mode, and they all lead to the same place -- love. Healing only takes place in an atmosphere of love. My clients heal as they learn to love themselves, and demonstrating love to those around you will create a healing atmosphere. But what is love?

Love is a confusing word. We use it to mean obligation: "If you love me you’ll...." We use it for dependency: "I love you, I can’t live without you." We use it for ownership: "We’re in love, we belong to each other." We use it for charity: "I do this for you because I love you."

I want to see love freed. I think the world exists on love, and that it is love which binds us together.

Science has not yet understood the mysterious force which holds the tiny particles of the atom together, and thus holds everything in our physical world together. Pretend with me that the binding force is love: If that were true, then we’d each be an expression of love and surrounded by love. The phrase "God is love" would take on new dimensions.

We would be free and able to let our partners be free, because we would not have to do anything to be bonded. And we would not have to prove to ourselves that we love – it would be obvious to all around us. We could let our partners be different without being scared – just as protons and neutrons are different and express themselves differently, yet remain bonded.

So, I talk frequently about love, and as much as possible, walk my talk. My life is about freeing love. I believe love grows out of freedom, that free beings are open to loving and being loved. It is not possible to push or force people into loving. The only thing that works is leaving enough room for love to grow.

The more free people there are, the more love will be freed in the world. I invite you to join me in creating as much non-demanding, non-possessive love as we can in the world. (Adapted from How To Be A Couple And Still Be Free © 2003 Tina B. Tessina

How to Write a Love Letter

Dr Romance adapted this from an Alcoholics Anonymous handout:

We often get out of touch or out of sorts with people – sometimes they leave or pass on, sometimes we quarrel, sometimes we just grow apart. If your connection, or lack of one, with someone is troubling you, here’s a simple way to ease your mind and your heart.

HOW TO WRITE A LOVE LETTER

Writing has a powerful effect on our emotional state. The following exercise is designed to help you fully express feelings that may have lain dormant for a long time, or may be too intense and jumbled for your to process effectively. You’ll find it helpful in expressing what you feel, especially if you’re having difficulty letting go, forgiving, grieving for or being appropriately angry at someone.

THIS LETTER IS NOT DESIGNED TO BE MAILED TO ANYONE. After you write it, you may decide to write another appropriately adjusted for the other person to read. The point of this is to let your feelings out, uncensored and unedited. Begin by expressing your anger, resentment and blame and allow yourself to move through the other levels until you get down to the love.

You may find your feelings begin pouring out as you write. If so, just go with what you feel. If you get stuck or confused, using the following suggested lead_in phrases may help you.

1. ANGER AND BLAME

I don’t like it when.............

I resent...........

I hate it when

I’m fed up with.......

I’m tired of...........

2. HURT AND SADNESS

I feel sad when......

I feel hurt because.......

I feel awful because........

I feel disappointed because...........

3. FEAR AND INSECURITY

I feel afraid..........

I’m afraid that..............

I feel scared because..............

I don’t understand..........

4.GUILT AND RESPONSIBILITY

I’m sorry that.......

I’m sorry for........

Please forgive me for.........

I didn’t mean to...........

5.LOVE, FORGIVENESS, UNDERSTANDING AND DESIRE

I love you because...........

I love when..........

Thank you for.........

I understand that........

I forgive you for.........

I want...............

Now, put the letter away for a couple of days, then re_read it and decide if you want to share part of it with the other person . If you’re writing to someone who has passed on, you may want to burn the letter, to symbolically "send" it.

from It Ends With You © 2003 Tina B. Tessina

The Worrier’s Guidelines

Often, it seems that there are not enough hours in the day to do everything that must be done, and like the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland we have to run as fast as we can just to stay in place.  And she was created before computers, cell phones and e-mail!   I often find myself worrying about a future I can’t predict, or things I haven’t done.  Worry saps energy, and accomplishes nothing, so I’ve developed a method of dealing with worry that you might find helpful, especially when you can’t sleep or if you’re anxious.  Whenever you’re  worried,  follow these simple steps:

1. Write it down.   If you’re feeling anxious or worried, or you can’t stop thinking about some event that hasn’t happened yet, take a few moments to write down whatever is worrying you.  If you can’t  write it down, think it through carefully until you can clearly say what you’re worrying about.  Clarifying your worries will stop the free-floating sensation of anxiety with no basis.

2. Evaluate.  Think about the first item on your list.  Ask yourself “Is there anything I can do about it now?” If you’re at home and worrying about the office, or if the problem won’t occur until next week or next year, you may not be able to do anything about it right now.  Or, perhaps you can make yourself a note, make a  call, devise a plan,  or ask for help. 

3. Do Something. If there is something you can do, do it.  Rather than waste time worrying,  decide to get something done.  For example,
∙ If you’re worrying about how your presentation will go at work tomorrow, go over your notes and lay out your clothes for the morning.
∙  If you’re worried about a health problem,  look up the illness or injury on the Internet, or call your doctor and ask some questions. 
∙ If you’re at work worrying and about cooking dinner when you get home, write down a menu or a list of ingredients.
∙  If you’re worried that you may be fired, update your resume and call some agencies.  You don’t have to take another job right away, but if there’s a real problem you’ll be prepared.

Here’s how it looks in action: If you’re worried that the roof may leak the next time it rains, start making a list about what you can do about it. Your inner dialog may sound like this:
“The news said it was going to rain next week.  I’m worried that the roof might leak.”:
“Call a roofing company and have them look at it.”
“I’m worried that a roofing company will charge me more than they should because I don’t  know how much it should cost.”
“Call my brother, (or my neighbor, or my friend) who had his roof done, and ask him what  it costs, and also if he liked the contractor he used.”
“Okay.” 
When you reach this “okay”, it’s time to make the call, or, if it’s too late at night,  make a note to  call the next day.
4. Distract Yourself. When you’ve done what you can, or made your lists or notes, then distract yourself: Count your blessings, get involved in something else,  read,  or take a walk or a bath. 
Repeat the above steps whenever you’re worried, and you’ll find that your worries decrease.  I wish you days full of blessings. (Adapted from It Ends With You (c) 2003 Tina B. Tessina)