DR. Romance Blog

Fair Fight Guidelines

Thirty years of counseling couples and twenty-seven years of my second marriage have convinced me that fights are not necessary in a marriage.  Married couples need to have discussions, they need to solve problems, and sometimes they need to disagree, but they don’t need to squabble, argue, bicker or fight.  Fights are dramatic, which is not helpful to a discussion. If you have enough energy to create drama, you have more than enough to tone it down into a discussion.  However, because social expectations and mythology are so strong, many of my clients want guidelines for “fighting fair.” I’ve developed a set of Fair Fight Guidelines you may find helpful.

Fair Fight Guidelines

If you feel a fight is unavoidable, you can still find a win-win resolution if you follow these guidelines.

*Remember the point of the fight is to reach a solution, not to win, be right, or make your partner wrong.

*Don't try to mind read. Ask instead what he or she is thinking.

*Don’t bring up all the prior problems that relate to this one. Leave the past in the past; keep this about one recent problem. Solve one thing at a time.

*Keep the process simple. State the problem, suggest some alternatives, and choose a solution together.

*Don't talk too much at once.  Keep your statements to two or three sentences.  Your partner will not be able to grasp more than that.

*Give your partner a chance to respond and to suggest options.

*Practice equality.  If something is important enough to one of you, it will inevitably be important to both of you, so honor your partner’s need to solve a problem.

*Ask and Answer questions directly. Again, keep it as simple as possible. Let your partner know you hear him or her.

*State your problem as a request, not a demand. To make it a positive request, use “I messages” and “please”.

*Don’t use power struggle tactics: guilt and obligation, threats and emotional blackmail, courtroom logic: peacekeeping, sacrificing, or hammering away are off limits.

*Know your facts:  If you’re going to fight for something, know the facts about the problem:  Do research, find out what options are available, and know how you feel and what would solve the problem for you. 

*Ask for changes in behavior, don’t criticize character, ethics or morals. 

*Don’t fight over who’s right or wrong.  Opinions are opinions, and that won’t solve the problem.  Instead, focus on what will work.

*Ask your partner if he or she has anything to add to the discussion. "Is there anything else we need to discuss now?"

*Don’t guess what your partner is thinking or feeling.  Instead, ask.  “What do you think?” Or “How do you feel about it?”

*Hold hands, look at each other, and remember you’re partners.

*If you’re angry, express it calmly.  “I’m angry about ……” There’s no need for drama, and it won’t get you what you want. Anger is satisfied by being acknowledged, and by creating change.  Anger is a normal emotion – rage is phony, it’s drama created by not taking care of yourself.

*Acknowledged and honor your partner’s feelings – don’t deflect them, laugh at them or freak out.  They’re only feelings, and they subside when respected, heard and honored.  *Listen with your whole self.  Paraphrase what your partner says; check to see if you understand by repeating what is said. “So you are angry because you think I ignored you. Is that right?”

*No personal attacks or criticism. Focus on solving the problem.

*If you want to let off steam (vent), ask permission or take a time out.  Handle your excess emotion or energy by being active (run, walk, hit a pillow,) writing, or talking to someone who is not part of the problem. Don’t direct it personally at anyone. You can’t vent and solve problems at the same time. 

*Don’t try to solve a problem if you’re impaired: tired, hungry, drunk or unstable.

*Surrender to your responsibility.  When you become aware that you have made a mistake, admit it and apologize. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

(c) Tina B. Tessina, 2009 adapted from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can  Ruin Your Marriage)

Learning Forgiveness

Learning to forgive those who hurt us is an essential life skill, because it helps develop inner maturity, frees us from emotional bondage to the other person, and helps us develop the power to move on.

   

Forgiveness begins with learning to forgive yourself for any damage you may have done to yourself and others with destructive habits and for allowing others (beginning with your family, and including later adult relationships) to be unkind or abusive to you or take advantage of or disrespect you.

My definition of forgiveness is a bit different than you may have been taught.  The dictionary defines to forgive as "to give up resentment of", which I have found is nearly impossible if you’ve been really hurt – often there are too many real injuries to forgive. It can also be unwise,  because resentment is like a reminder to yourself to "watch out -- this hurt me before".  Ignoring the past and forgiving others who may still be abusing you now ("He didn't mean to beat me up, he was just drunk" ) gets you hurt or mistreated over and over again.  Dependency is often perpetuated by being “nice,” forgiving and forgetting that someone has hurt you, and not confronting the person or ending the relationship.

   

Forgiving yourself for past destructive behavior, if not based on a real, inner change of attitudes ("it wasn't my fault, I had a rough childhood."; "I can't help it, my anger just takes over.") becomes dysfunctional permissiveness and self pity. Forgiving yourself without learning from your destructive behavior, and without determining how to change, is aptly termed denial by recovery programs.  If you don't recognize the consequences of your destructive behavior, and accept responsibility for it, you have no incentive to change. 

However, simply hanging on to resentment will not really protect you, or allow you to let go of the past and move on in your life.  As long as you hold onto the resentment, you will feel like a helpless, hopeless, dependent victim of your past history.  You do need to learn to forgive, but just giving up resentment is not sufficient. You need a new model of what forgiveness is.

The need to forgive may include several things:

*You may need to forgive yourself for doing emotional, mental or physical damage to     others.

*You may need to forgive yourself for doing emotional, mental or physical damage to    yourself.

*You may need to forgive yourself for letting others damage you in those ways.

*You may need to forgive others (parents, children, spouses, friends) for hurting     themselves in all the above ways.

*You may need to forgive others for doing emotional, mental or physical damage to you.

Safely and honestly forgiving all these past hurts is not accomplished by simply giving up resentment. First you must find a way to be safe from future damage and abuse.  Once you have learned how to create safety you can rely on, and you know you have the ability to protect yourself from damage, and to prevent yourself from causing damage, forgiving past destructive behavior, (your own and others') becomes easy, because you are no longer threatened. When you have real reasons for resentment, both against others and against yourself;  the assurance that you can take care of yourself so that you won't be hurt again is the only thing that makes true forgiveness possible.

Recognizing the consequences of your own destructive behavior and taking responsibility for it does not mean punishing yourself; it means becoming aware of the ideas and feelings that are behind your behavior, and learning how to change them. It is possible to love and approve of yourself now and still be aware that you have allowed yourself to be damaged by yourself and others, and that those experiences have been painful and destructive.  If you've caused yourself pain in the past by being involved with abusive people, you can learn to understand your inner reasons for feeling dependent on such abusive people.  By using your inner awareness and the following exercise, you can change the patterns that keep you helpless in such relationships.

If your own behavior has been damaging to yourself or others, you don't have to continually blame and punish yourself in order to remember the consequences of destructive behavior.  Instead, you can use your inner awareness to find the deep inner feelings and beliefs underlying your behavior and make the necessary changes. 

Although it is often not possible to prevent others from hurting themselves or attempting to hurt you, you can take steps to see that their rage and destructive behavior does not threaten or damage you. Remembering who hurt you is not the same as condemning them. You can be wary of their out-of-control or problematic behavior, and recognize that they are fallible human beings, too, and often more damaged by childhood experience than you were, and that until they repair their own damage, as you are repairing yours, you must keep a safe distance.  In fact, the possibility that someone might lose you, or that you will keep a safe distance because of his or her destructive behavior, is often the only type of confrontation that will cause him or her to accept responsibility for bad behavior.

The following exercise will help you to learn new ways to cope with situations where you were hurt by others.  Through visualization, you can learn to protect yourself from others by rehearsing and changing old painful scenes as many times as you need to make sure you know how to take care of yourself.

It is not easy to be sure an old behavior problem (your own or someone else's) is gone forever.  Even when you or the other person has done inner work to correct the problem, in a situation of enough stress it may still return.  This exercise will help you learn how to take care of yourself in difficult and painful situations, and give you a chance to practice various solutions and responses until you find the ones that work, without risking any real- life consequences.  This is learning to care for yourself in very realistic terms, and it begins with healing old, painful scenes.

This exercise will help you to take control of events in your past and replace them with new, more effective behavior. I believe “Time Travel” is the single most powerful exercise you can do to clear out old traumas and build autonomous skills, including the ones that keep you safe from emotional, mental, or physical harm.  It will help you develop the self-protection needed to achieve forgiveness and let go of damaging behavior, situations and people. 

Through consistent use and practice of this exercise, you will no longer need resentment to protect you, because you have learned how to ensure your safety.  You will be able to release and forgive old hurts, recognizing that the people who caused them (yourself included) didn't know any better ways of behaving at the time.  As you learn how to protect and care for yourself, you will also learn how to recognize when others are uncaring, and what to do about it. 

You can use this exercise to heal various hurts.  For example, if you're having a recurring dream that troubles you, you can use this exercise to replay the dream, and it won't bother you any more.  By using scenes from your present or future (a quarrel with your current mate, or an encounter that you're afraid will happen with someone who's angry at you) you can use “Time Travel” to practice risk taking (rehearse in advance social events where you'll meet new people, or talk to someone you've been shy around).

To allow yourself the full impact of the exercise, without interruption, read the following steps into a  tape recorder and play them back.

EXERCISE

TIME TRAVEL

1. Visualize the source of anger or pain: To begin, sit quietly by yourself, and close your eyes. Visualize yourself in a painful scene from the past.  You will learn how to correct the scene, take care of yourself, forgive whoever created the problem, and forgive yourself for your own participation. Allow the troubling scene from your memory to appear around yourself. You may get a mental picture, or if not, just imagine the scene as you remember it.   Remember to use your senses, to establish your scene clearly. If your scene is very painful, or frightening, view the scene as objectively as you can, as though it is a story about someone else.    

2. Enter the scene as a hero. Like a time traveler from the future, visualize yourself in the scene as the person you are today. There will be two of you present, your self who had the original experience, plus the you from today, who will fix things. 

3. Take charge of the scene.  Now it's time to take over the story and protect yourself. Do whatever is needed to stop whoever is upsetting, hurting or neglecting you.  If the other person is too badly behaved,  you can make them leave-- you have total power here, in your imagination. Use that power to protect yourself.  It often helps to surround yourself with loving people, or to call in the police if the scene is violent. 

4. Take care of yourself.   The early version of you may be frightened, angry, confused, feeling helpless, or overwhelmed with grief -- the "heroic you" can be rational, effective, competent and reassuring.  You may encounter some resistance to doing this, in the form of feeling incapable of taking care of yourself. You can do this over and over in your mind until you get it right.  You can try to fix the situation in several different ways, before you decide which is best.  Remove yourself from danger; comfort and reassure; correct any lies you were told by telling the (positive) truth and establish a friendship with yourself. If your former self needs some information or help, provide it.  Promise that you will never be left at the mercy of ignorant, malicious, incompetent, or uncomprehending people again. 

5. When you feel safe, consider forgiveness.  When you have corrected the scene enough that you are out of danger and feeling safe, think about what happened.  Analyze what went wrong and who made mistakes, and decide how to avoid being the victim of those same mistakes again.  Once you know you will not be hurt again (because you'll do what it takes to protect yourself,) you'll find that you are ready to forgive whomever hurt you, and will understand that they just don't know how to behave. 

6. Go to a safe place. Close the scene by visualizing yourself in a safe, secure place, completely out of danger.  Promise yourself that you'll be there when you're needed, and you’ll be careful, strong and self-protective. This means that you will not leave yourself alone, dependent, or at the mercy of people who are hurtful, and you will not be “nice” and allow someone to hurt you.   Do not leave the scene until you feel calm and secure.

6. Repeat regularly. After you have done “Time Travel” the first time, you can keep your promise to keep yourself safe (and build self-trust) by checking in with yourself as often as needed, until it becomes an unconscious habit. Doing this exercise repeatedly, whenever old, painful memories arise, will eventually clear out traumas and correct the damage done while helping you practice the autonomous skills needed to take care of yourself. You'll find that you instinctively know when someone or something is hurtful to you, and when you're being hurtful to others.  You'll also know what to do to correct the situation, (don't be alone with violent or emotionally hurtful people, don't allow yourself to be in tempting or dangerous situations, and so on) and you'll feel safe enough to forgive those who are confused and behave in hurtful ways, because their behavior will no longer be dangerous to you.

Overcoming your resistance to facing yourself and becoming aware of your inner feelings and beliefs, and learning how to care for yourself effectively, and to release the hold the past has on you, helps you develop emotional autonomy.  The more adept you become at self-awareness, learning and forgiveness, the more autonomous you can be.  The hurts of the past can be healed, and you can feel capable of taking care of yourself. When you feel stronger than those who attempt to hurt you, forgiveness comes naturally.  (From The Real 13^th Step) © Tina B.Tessina,  
 2009     

 

Weaving the Web

When Oprah Winfrey opened her school in South Africa she was both praised and criticized.  The criticism was that she was spending too much money on too few girls, because her school was lavish, free, and could only accommodate less than 200 girls.  Aside from the fact that Oprah is entitled to spend her money any way she sees fit, I think it is a worthwhile enterprise, and that the people who criticize her are short-sighted. 

 

What I don’t think they realize is that the new school will hopefully empower the girls who attend, and help them grow into young women with a mission.  Their mission will be to help others, and will create a web of influence far greater than anyone can foresee.

 

One of the things I’ve learned as my life and career progress is that whatever someone does to help one person has far more influence than we can realize.  Each person we teach, encourage, or help to heal is then empowered to carry that teaching, encouragement and healing on to others.  The inspiring book and movie, both titled Pay It Forward, puts this concept in the form of a type of debt – instead of paying people back for what they’ve done for us (which isn’t always possible) the pay it forward concept urges us to pay the debt to others who need it. 

 

This happens automatically when we learn from a great teacher, whether in person, through books, or by someone’s stirring life example, such as Buddha or Ghandi.  I have been fortunate to have had a great mentor, Rev. Denton Roberts, who guided me through re-formatting my own personality and beliefs, and then taught me how to be a caring and effective counselor. I have written previously about how wounded I was, and how Denton helped me learn to heal myself.  His teachings and examples are now part of my consciousness, and I use them to help others, sometimes giving him credit for the ideas, sometimes not.  Teachers of other things, such as my wonderfully healing voice coach, Marvellee and her late husband, Daniel Cariaga, who gave  much more than just musical wisdom, add to the storehouse of what I can pay forward.  All the great thinkers in psychology whose books I have read, such as James Hillman and Thomas Szasz also influence my work and their ideas pass on to my clients. Loving friends are teachers, too.

 

Then, those I have worked with use what they’ve learned with others I’ll never know.  Clients can be teachers, too – I learn from my clients every day, and pay what I learn forward to future clients. Can you imagine the web of wisdom building as we all help one another with what we learn?

 

You are part of this web, we all are.  Everyone who influences you positively was in turn taught by someone before them – the web stretches back to Plato, to Jesus, to Moses, to the great Arabic and Asian thinkers who first devised the numbers we use.

 

We all recognize that we can be influenced negatively, that we can be brought down by scary newscasts, violent and cynical movies and tv, but this web of positive influence is so much more powerful and important.  “People and peoples come and go, live and die,” writes Robert Wright in Non Zero: The Logic of Human Destiny, “But their [ideas], like their genes, persist.  When all the trading and plundering and warring is done, bodies may be lying everywhere, and social structure may be in disarray.  Yet in the process, culture, the aggregate menu of [ideas] on which society can draw, may well have evolved.”

 

Whether or not you have children to follow after you, you will leave behind a legacy.  It’s your positive influence on others, on life, and on this shrinking planet we live on, and it never dies.  The web will remain, nurturing a supporting human life for as long as it exists, and your influence will be a part of it.  © Tina B.Tessina, 2009 (Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction) 

 

How to Be Irresistible to Your Mate

So many couples I see in my office are in trouble because they have a knee-jerk oppositional response to each other – they’re defensive and critical, rather than welcoming and understanding.  They don’t seem to realize that listening and understanding your partner doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with everything that partner wants or thinks.  Being pleasant doesn’t mean you’re a patsy, and it’s more effective to be loving than to be right.

    Guidelines for Being Irresistible to Your Mate   

   

1.  Don’t resist, listen.    

We often have a knee-jerk negative response to what a mate tells us, or wants to do.  Instead of replying negatively “That won’t work...” “We can’t do that...” Try listening and thinking for a few seconds more.  You may find out your initial response changes, and at any rate, listening and understanding is not the same as agreeing. 

2.  Look your mate in the eyes and smile.

Unless your partner is talking about something really sad (job loss, death, etc.) where a smile would be inappropriate, look him or her in the eyes and smile while you’re listening.  Your companion will automatically feel more understood and cared about, which will change the feeling level of the discussion.

3.  Touch each other.    

Sit near your significant other, and gently place your hand on his or her shoulder, leg, or arm.  If you’re in the car, lightly touch his or her shoulder or arm.  You’ll find your conversation becomes warmer and more caring.

4.  Try laughter. 

If something frustrating is happening, try easing the tension with a bit of humor.  After a difficult interaction in a store, on the way out, you could say “That went well.” with a touch of irony.  Or, when someone drops something and makes a mess, you could say “the gremlins are here again.” Or use comedienne Gilda Radner’s line “It’s always something” Or Judy Tenuta’s “It could happen” to change stress to silliness. Don’t poke fun at your mate, but use shared humor as a way to say “I know this is tough, but we’ll get through it.”  Your mate will think of you as someone soothing and helpful to have around when problems happen.

5.  Use pleasant surprises.

Try a love note in your spouse’s briefcase, a post-it with a smiley face on the underside of the toilet seat, a flower, plant, card or balloon for no reason, or an unexpected gentle pat on the rear, a hug or a kiss to say “I’m thinking good thoughts about you, and I love you.”

6.  Ramp up the sweetness.

Married life has its unavoidable stresses and strains.  To keep things in balance, we need to put a bit of energy into increasing the sweetness between us.  Thoughtfulness, “thank you’s” and gestures of politeness and affection are the WD-40 of your marriage.  Keep things running smoothly by remembering to add a spritz of sweetness frequently. 

7.  Devote time to your marriage.

No matter how crazed you are with work, kids and bills, it’s essential to put aside regular time each week for the marriage.  Have a “date night” which includes a “state of the union” discussion (include the positive things going on) or take a pleasant walk or drive.  Keeping connected means things don’t build up to fighting status, and you’ll remember how good you are together.  Don’t forget to celebrate and appreciate each other.  Motivation comes from celebration and appreciation.

8.  Focus on Partnership.

Remember that first and foremost, before anything else, you’re partners.  Keep that in mind and check frequently to make sure you’re acting like partners, and not competitors or avoiders.  You’re in this thing together, and partnership is what it’s all about.

9.  Reminisce about Good Times.

“Remember when....” is a great start to a loving conversation.  It creates so much good feeling to remember how you were when you were dating, when you got married, when you first bought your house, when you had your first child, when you got that promotion.  Reminding yourselves of your solid history together is a way to increase your bond.

10. Brag to friends in your mate’s hearing.

Of course, tell your mate to his or her face how much you care, but also be sure to tell your friends, while your mate is around, what a great guy or gal you married.  “Harold is so thoughtful.  Today he helped me around the house.”  Or “Sue is such a great mom.  She really gives the kids a sense that they’re loved and she still keeps them toeing the mark.”  Or, “Did you hear? Fred got a big promotion.  I’m so proud of him.”  Or, “I don’t know what I’d do without Judy.  She’s so great with money.”  Or “Doesn’t my sweetie look great today? I’m so lucky.”  Don’t worry if your partner looks embarrassed.  He or she will also be pleased, and remember your brag for a long time.  (adapted from Money, Sex and Kids: © Tina B.Tessina, 2008)

Turn on Your Charm

 Ever wondered how con artists can get away with all they do? They know how to charm people, and they have mastered the art of looking as if they belong.  Because they have no feelings of guilt about  misrepresenting themselves, they can pull it off.  But you don’t have to be dishonest and manipulative to be charming.  You can use the power of charm to create a charmed life for yourself, and be perfectly honest, kind and caring while doing it. 

   

Charm comes from a combination of self-confidence, social graces and empathy, or emotional intelligence.  People who are at ease (self-confidence) polite and socially adept (social graces) understanding and considerate (emotional intelligence)  are always charming and attractive.

To get what you want, you need to feel special and act that way.  The more you respect yourself, the more others will respect you. Make sure you present yourself well, dress and act the part.  Accept favors and compliments gracefully, with thanks.  Don’t worry about whether you deserve the compliment – if someone says something nice, and you think you don’t deserve it, you’re effectively calling that person a liar; which is not charming at all.  If you make requests as if you expect to get a "yes," it ups the odds that you'll get one.

If you want good service in a restaurant, be pleasant and charming to the server, leave a good tip, and frequent the same place often. Once you’re known as a regular and a pleasant customer, you will be treated royally.  Gratitude for kindness begets more kindness.  Nothing works better than a pleasant "thank you so much" to make the kind person feel appreciated, and wanting to give you more.  If you want to be well-treated and well thought of, graciousness and poise are the key.  When you feel that someone is not treating you well, you don’t have to say anything –just withdraw. If someone’s not listening, pause in your conversation, until you have your listener’s full attention. 

The easiest way to get what you want is to make a pleasant request, and deliver it with a big smile and a warm look.  Please is very important, and so is a gracious smile, eye contact, and a warm thank you when the request is met. Everyone melts at this.  To see how charm works, watch actors and actresses in movies -- they use it a lot. It's not really sexual, it's more gracious and complimentary, but it often leads to romance, even in real life.

Try observing people (real people you know, strangers, or even movie characters) who personify confidence, and then go home and practice it in the mirror, until you think you've got it..  Self-talk is important -- practice being encouraging and supportive to yourself.  If you are internally critical, you'll lack confidence.  Try "faking it til you make it" and projecting an air of self-confidence. It will grow on you.

 

The Downside of Charm

Although being charming will smooth out your social situations, it must be based on a respect to be beneficial.  Charm without respect is not a good sign.  Narcissists, for example, have learned to be charming to get what they want, but they have no means to give back, so they are attractive and seductive, but ultimately draining and terribly disappointing.        

If a person is not at all nervous, awkward and never at a loss for words, you may be very impressed. Such a polished approach is very attractive and pleasant to be around. However, there could be a down side to this smoothness.  It can mean that you're talking to a "user" who has learned to say what works to get what he or she wants, but has no moral/ethical compass, so may be lying and conning you.  Con artists are very good at being charming.  People who have an innate need to be truthful may not always succeed at being charming.  So, when you encounter another charming person, make sure the walk matches the talk, and that the charm is part of that person’s character, and not just employed to get something.

Developing Charm

It's no surprise that awkwardness, fear and embarrassment arise from a poor self-image.  To overcome this problem, recognize that you're not going to please everyone, and that sometimes you'll be disappointed, but it won't kill you.  Practice taking "no" for an answer, first in private, then ask a friend to  role play with you (the friend turns you down, refuses your raise, etc. so you can practice dealing with it) and then take some baby steps in the real world. When you’re in a new, nervous situation, don't use alcohol for false courage.  You may survive being tipsy, but if you really want to be seen as charming and attractive, you won't allow yourself to behave badly. 

Instead, practice before you get into the new situation.   In "It Ends With You" I recommend the "roll the tape" exercise: picture yourself taking the risk, and watch the scene play out. "Re- roll the tape" several times, and go through the scene again.  Practice some different responses and different approaches until you feel comfortable with it.  Then, you can try it in the real world.

To enhance your positive experience, do the following steps before any new activity:

 1. Make a mental note of the possibilities: Can you learn something there?  Can you meet a new friend?  Will just getting out  of the house and around new people feel good?

 2. Remind yourself of your goals: You're going there to make new friends and to have fun.

 3. Review your positive personal qualities: What do your friends like about you?  What do you like about you? Your intelligence, your sense  of humor, your style, your conversation skills?  Are you a kind and caring person? Reminding yourself of these qualities means you will enter the event radiating that positive energy.

Research shows that people who have a positive outlook have better lives, partly because a positive attitude is attractive and charming, and people are drawn to it.  As a result, you make friends.  When you are positive you are supportive of yourself and others, you notice the good things more than the bad things, which makes it easier to connect to others.  In addition, you feel much better about yourself, which means you feel more deserving of friends.  It's a positive spiral, and goes up and up.

Guidelines for being charming in public:

1. Be interesting -- Wear attractive, but interesting clothing -- something that reflects who you are.  If you like travel, for example, wear a shirt, scarf, tie or jewelry from another country, or wear something that reflects your ethnic background, or a hobby (sports, the outdoors, a Hawaiian-type shirt with surfboards, gardening implements or an animal print).  It will help start conversations.

2. Pay attention:  Look around you, and seek to make friends.  Notice who's around you and what's interesting or attractive about them, Find an interesting thing about what they're wearing, and complement it.  "Excuse me, but I couldn't help noticing that gorgeous color -- it looks great on you." or, "What an interesting watch!  Where did you get it?"

3.  Prepare in advance:  Read up on some fascinating topics to talk about -- the background doings of a hit movie, some new technology advance, or a cool new trend.  Then, when someone wants to talk to you, you'll have something to say.

4. Find a way to help: What needs doing that you might enjoy?  If you haven't experienced this event before, I recommend finding a "job" to do. Don’t just say “what can I do to help?”  Instead, volunteer for something specific:  to greet people and take coats, or keep the food table replenished, or refill drinks.  It will give you a feeling of belonging, a great excuse to meet everyone, and you'll be busy enough to keep your nervousness at bay. The host or hostess will be grateful and remember you later.

5. Follow through: If you do meet someone you'd like to know better, follow the party with an invitation for coffee. The best friendships begin in these social situations.

Once you are meeting people, you need to create the proper energy level to be charming and  attractive. Match your energy to the energy of the people at the event.  Obviously, if you're dancing or eating barbecue poolside, the energy level will be pretty high. If you're having quiet conversations at a cocktail party, discussing books, or sitting down to dinner, the energy will be more mellow and focused.

Conversations at events you attend should be like tennis matches.  That is, the other person "serves"  he or she asks a question or makes a statement.  Then, you "volley" back  you answer the question with the kind of answer that invites a response.  For example:

He: "How do you know our hostess?"

You: "We went to school together.  I like Pam's friendliness, don't you?"

This invites your companion to respond, and keeps the "volley" going.  If the conversational thread ends, The next "serve" is yours.  If you have to re-start the conversation too often, excuse yourself and move on. That person is not interested enough.  If you force the other person to do all the conversational "work"  he or she will move on pretty quickly.  One-syllable answers are a pretty clear indication of lack of interest, even if you didn't mean it to be that way. Instead, turn on your charm, and the other person will want more time with you.

© Tina B.Tessina, 2009 (adapted from It Ends With You 

and The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again)

 

    

Stupid Cupid

Dr. Romance writes: In my counseling practice I see lots of couples who don’t make it, for various reasons.

Cupid, the god who represented love to the ancient Romans, was blind. In mythology, he’s been represented as a cherub, a perpetual baby, (which means someone without wisdom or judgment) who flies around zapping people with his arrows, throwing them helplessly into infatuation with whomever they happen to be with when the arrow strikes. This is a great metaphor for the sensation of "falling in love" instantly, otherwise known as limerance, lust, or "blind love." Unfortunately, lust doesn’t last, and love isn’t blind forever. I thought I’d outline some basic ideas to help others begin their relationships on the right foot.

Because I see so much of the damage caused by people blindly connecting, rushing through the stages of commitment, and not creating the solid basis a true relationship needs, I always welcome the chance to do pre-commitment counseling. My job is to ask the tough questions that, in the excitement of a new romance, the couple may not have considered. Here are several questions every couple should consider before moving in together or making joint financial commitments:

1. What is your definition of commitment?

Whether you know it or not, you and your partner will define your relationship. If you don't know what your relationship means to both the of you, you risk repeating past mistakes, getting stuck in uncomfortable roles, or fighting about what a healthy relationship is. Talk about what you mean by words such as relationship, commitment, love, and faithfulness. You'll be amazed by what you learn.

 2. Have you discussed finances?

Next to sex, money is the biggest generator of problems, arguments, and resentment in long-term relationships. Couples tend to assume that money should be pooled, but it usually isn't that easy. A disparity in income can mean struggling about who pays for what, or whose income determines your lifestyle. Different financial habits (one likes to save, the other spends more, or doesn't keep track) can become a source of argument. For many couples, separating your money makes things run smoother; you don't wind up struggling for control. You can split expenses evenly, or work out a percentage share if your incomes are different.

3. What about household responsibilities?

If you're not yet living together, take a tour of each other's homes. Drastically different decorating styles, neatness, and organization levels can become sources of argument, as can housekeeping and chores. If you have different tastes, it may require a lot of creativity and negotiation to decorate a joint home in a way that makes both of you comfortable.

Additionally, think hard before moving into your partner's established home. You may have trouble feeling as if you "belong" in a home that was previously established by your partner, unless you participate together in reorganizing and redecorating it.

4. How close are you to family or friends?

If one of you has a lot of family or friends, and the other does not, find out what those relationships mean. Where will you spend holidays? If there are family members who have problems, such as addiction or mental illness, how much will that impact your relationship?

5. How do you handle anger and other emotions? We all get upset from time to time. If you are usually good at diffusing each other's anger and being supportive through times of grief or pain, your emotional bond will deepen as time goes on. If your tendency is to react to each other and make the situation more volatile and destructive, you need to correct that problem before you live together.

6. How do you show love to each other?

Sharing what actions and words mean love to you may be surprising. Even if it's a struggle, discussing how you give and receive love will improve your relationship. You will understand what makes each of you feel loved, and how to express your love effectively.

7. How well did you discuss these very questions?

Asking yourselves these questions are excellent tests of your ability to define and work out problems. Constructive discussion that leads to a mutually satisfactory solution means you know how to solve problems in your relationship. If not, get counseling before going further.

 Staying together

The skills couples need to keep intimacy alive in a long-term relationship differ from new relationship intimacy skills, and they're not easy to learn, because people don't talk about them. Basically, couples need to lower their expectations of romance and glamour and raise the level of fun they have together. Regular weekly talks (I call them State of the Union discussions) keep the problems minor, the resentment level down, and the communication open, so that there is time and space for intimacy. In a successful, long term relationship, passion becomes a shared sense of humor and goodwill toward each other. I spend every day teaching couples how to do these things.

Generally speaking, men value competency and problem solving. Women value intimacy and emotional connection. The truth is that learning successful problem solving ends fighting and power struggles, and therefore leads to more intimacy. You may think he's focused entirely on time, power or money, when he's really trying to create enough security that he can feel safe to let his guard down.

Intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted. When this feeling is created, barriers fall. Gentle touch, eye contact a gentle sense of humor and the right words all create the atmosphere. Positive comments on your partner's looks or the day's activities positively will also help. Couples disconnect when they don't feel interested in each other any more. To reconnect, make an effort to listen and understand each others’ needs and wants. The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed. If you really want to restore the marriage, begin not by complaining, but by seeking to understand your partner. Once the connection is there, you can begin to work out the issues.

Relationship Journal

One simple way to enhance your relationship is to create a relationship journal. The time investment is small, and the return is huge.

Every couple can benefit from creating a "Relationship Journal" It will become a positive reinforcement for your entire partnership. If you know what a "baby book" is like, this is a similar keepsake. Get a large, expandable scrapbook, carefully choosing the cover to reflect your mutual dreams. Begin the scrapbook with a few (no more than 4 or 5) highlights from your wedding. Choose only the most memorable moments. You already have your wedding album and video, plus honeymoon pictures to remember the details. Your Journal is for the most significant moments of your life together. Collect a few pictures (the bed in your hotel room?) and mementos of your wedding and honeymoon. Add a few notes about the most romantic moments. Throughout your life together, you can continue to add significant moments to your Journal. Paste in an anniversary card, two or three pictures of each vacation, a picture of your new home, each baby or new pet when it arrives, mementos of career achievements, children's artwork, and love notes to each other. Whenever you need encouragement, you can pull this book out and look at it together. Not only will it make each occasion memorable, but each new page will remind you of all the important milestones you have shared together. As this book grows, it will become one of your most precious possessions, a tangible expression of the power and joy in your marriage. (© 2009 Tina B. Tessina Adapted from the Unofficial Guide to Dating Again )

The Power of Purpose

"Whatever your age, if you learn to listen, your inner voice will speak to you about your path," writes oncologist Dr. Bernie Siegel in Peace, Love and Healing, "your ‘job on earth.’ This wisdom that is directing you from within is your birthright... an inner message, an inner awareness, that says, ‘This is your path, this is how you can be the best human being possible.’ If you follow it, you will achieve your full growth and full potential as a human being before you let go of the Tree of Life..."

I know Dr. Bernie is right, because I see the power of the inner voice daily in my clients, in my friends, and in my own life. My clients ask, "How can I access that voice, that wisdom, and get my feet started on the path?"

It's easy for any of us to get discouraged with suffering throughout the world: racial prejudice; addiction and self-destruction; political oppression in its many forms (starvation, war, torture, misinformation, imprisonment, denial of rights of speech, health and human dignity, and just plain bigotry and nastiness).

My own reaction, years ago, was despair. "I can't stand it! So much suffering! So many issues! There's nothing significant I can do." Gradually, with the help of wiser people, I came to realize that I wasn't supposed to do it ALL. I just needed to do a part. But what part? Thus I began to learn about my inner wisdom, my unique birthright, my own peculiarities and talents.

We are all unique, with different genetic mixes, different fingerprints, different gifts and personalities, so let's suppose that there must be a reason for our differences; a Plan. Included in the Plan is a special place for each of us, and we have been designed, by a Super Intelligence, for a special task within the Plan. Supposing that Plan exists, what is your part in it? What were you designed to do? What's your "job on earth"?

If you feel confused or overwhelmed by life, or if your life seems to have no meaning, no important reason for your existence, spend some time pondering the Plan. Whether you call your Source a Higher Power, Spirit, or God, try reading Its mind a little: Imagine -- If you were God, and you had created the human being that is you, what would you have created such a person for? It's an interesting puzzle, and the clues are in your unique characteristics. Are you a good listener? Then maybe counseling is your intended "job". Can you explain things well? Perhaps you’re being directed toward teaching something. Are you a mathematical whiz? A musician? An artist? Can you make people laugh? All of these talents can be used in unique ways to make the world a little better. For example, if you like to make people laugh, and you enjoy elderly people, perhaps entertaining, volunteering, or working in a senior citizen's center is your special place. Or if you are a survivor of abuse or illness, perhaps your "job" lies in helping others survive.

Like me, many others have found it useful to ponder solve this riddle. The clues and hints are subtle, but they exist. The secret to your life's purpose is hidden in your heart's desire. Discover that, and you discover meaning, joy and purpose. There is a Plan, and you fit within it. No one has been omitted, every small link fits. As you discover your secret mission, and join the rhythm of the Wise Plan, life begins to run itself, doubt fades, and joy becomes a more frequent companion. Try listening to your heart, and to the obvious things about you, and you'll find it works.

" ‘I give you something, you know not what, enrich it, you know not how, bring it back, you know not when. And remember, I shall be watching you.’ Said the Sun to the newborn child." - so Mary Poppins writer P.L. Travers expresses the mystery of finding your ‘job on Earth’.

"To find in ourselves what makes life worth living is risky business," writes Marsha Sinetar in Ordinary People as Monks and Mystics: "for it means that once we know it we must seek it. It also means that without it life will be valueless."

Did you know that problems with compulsive eating, substance abuse, destructive addictive relationships, and obsessive behavior are often misguided attempts to satisfy the heart's desire?

We are such amazing miracles of creation. Within each of us is a driving force, that will NOT give up and go away. We can attempt to drown it out with loud, raucous living, to anesthetize it with food, drink or drugs, to avoid it through some zealotry or other, to run from it by being frantically busy, to ignore it by working obsessively, to be too overwhelmed drama and agony to notice it; but as soon as the unavoidable quiet moment happens, there it is, urging us on. Often, people misread this uncomfortable inner restlessness and call it "fear" or "loneliness", but it is only the call of the heart. Until we acknowledge it, it will not allow us to be at peace. Believe it or not, our hearts are filled with purpose and meaning, and will constantly press us to discover our true desire and act upon it.

A spectrum is a wide range of something, like the colors light creates when beamed through a prism. A rainbow. My rainbow, the one I want to share with all of you, is the warrior rainbow. It's the wide range of people who are willing to face their own fear and anger, to brave the terrors of the inner deep, to challenge the naysayers and the criticizers, because they know how important it is to be who they really are. It's a broad spectrum of people, all colors, orientations, beliefs and experiences. Nothing elaborate is required to take your place in the warrior rainbow -- just the courage to be you -- to face your fears, to believe in yourself, to be willing to fight where you can, while remembering a rainbow warrior always takes prudent risks -- self-destruction is not encouraged.

I find that many people who come to me for counseling are "autophobic" -- afraid of themselves. They are afraid of feeling emotion, afraid of being forced to be alone with themselves, afraid to find out what is actually inside them. It actually comes down to fearing the power within. We run very fast, in an attempt to escape who we are.

"If the person insists on a certain program, and doesn't listen to the demands of his own heart, he's going to risk a schizophrenic crackup, " warned philosopher Joseph Campbell. "Such a person has ... aligned himself with a program for life, and it's not the one the body's interested in at all. The world is full of people who have stopped listening to themselves or have listened only to their neighbors to learn what they ought to do, how they ought to behave, and what the values are that they should be living for...my analysis ...is that we would rather feel alive than be alive. Sometimes it kills you, to feel so alive out there on a battlefield somewhere, or in a corporate environment where it's quite clear that you're heading for a heart attack, and you don't change your course because you are living in that stream of energy and aliveness. You wind up bargaining your life away for it."

Reading through the wisdom of the ages, I have come across this advice time and time again. Humankind’s greatest teachers insist that the costs of denying your heart's desire are far greater than anything that could happen by following it. Every time my clients overcome their reluctance to know who they are, they release an inner power that transforms their lives.

What better time to become a rainbow warrior than now? Here's Dr. Campbell's advice about how to begin: "You must have a room, or a certain hour or so a day, where you don't know what was in the newspapers that morning, you don't know who your friends are, you don't know what you owe anybody, you don't know what anybody owes to you...a place where you can simply experience and bring forth what you are and what you might be... the place of creative incubation. ...if you have a sacred place and use it, something eventually will happen... Where is your bliss station? You have to try to find it. Get a phonograph and put on the music that you really love, even if it's corny music that nobody else respects. Or get the book you like to read. In your sacred place you get the "thou" feeling of life ...for the whole world. ...if you follow your bliss you put yourself on a track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open the doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be."

I invite you to get acquainted with your heart's desire, join me in a resolution to surrender, to slow down and find out what is inside, straining to get out, longing to make contact with you. Make a "sacred space" for yourself, and spend a little time in it, at first reading or listening to music, and little by little listening to your heart. Perhaps it will change your life, as it has so many others. God has already blessed us, every one.

(adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction © 2009 Tina B. Tessina)

Coping with Critics

 

Dr. Romance writes: No one likes to be criticized, fairly or not.  It’s always difficult to deal with, and it can hurt.  Because I’m a writer of books and columns, and because I’ve lectured, appeared on radio and TV, I am sometimes recognized in public.  I’m glad I’m not more recognizable, for along with the lovely feedback, gratitude and complements I get from many people, others feel compelled to criticize, often in a mean way, and often without having even read whatever book or column they’re criticizing. So,  I’ve been forced to learn to deal with negative comments, even when they’re mean-spirited, and intended to hurt me.  Because we all get criticized from time to time,  you may find the following ideas helpful.

Whether criticism is intended to be helpful or harmful, you can use it positively.  Evaluate the critic -- is it a good friend, a kind person, a mentor?  Criticism from any of these is likely to be constructive, and you can probably trust it and learn from it.  Is the criticism from a competitive rival?  Then use its mirror image -- it's probably something powerful about you that threatens the rival.  Is it from a lover or intimate person?  Then it can hurt a lot, because intimates know where your soft spots are -- and, they often project their own fears onto you.  Whatever the source of the criticism, ignore it for a few hours or a day, until the sting has subsided, and then evaluate its usefulness to you.  If a trusted mentor is offering constructive criticism, it may be a great gift to you, once you have absorbed it.  Stretch yourself a bit, and look at the comment from an objective viewpoint, and see how much truth you think it holds.  Above all, be true to yourself, and know that your own good opinion of yourself is most valuable if it is based on truth.

There are a few things you can do to help the criticism "roll off your back."  First, use a sense of humor:  if you can come up with a clever funny remark that diffuses the criticism, that is always the most effective way to disarm it.  Second, give an "adult time out" to anyone who is negative and critical:  emotionally retreat into politeness.  Be very pleasant, but distant -- say "Yes, please" "No, thank you" and respond politely to any request, but don't share any personal information.  This usually causes a negative person to snap out of it. Third, ignore any negative thing that is said -- just treat it as if it didn't happen.  In this way, you don't reward it, and the other person will eventually stop.

Don't try to motivate yourself with criticism.   You can be self-critical because you don't realize the consequences -- if you're critical of a friend or loved one, they will be angry at you, and perhaps leave, but most of us don't realize how self-critical we are, and how much it damages our lives, so we continue to harp on ourselves.  Also, if you were around a parent who was very critical when you were a child, it will feel "normal" to you, and you won't realize how it really sounds.   Self-criticism damages your quality of life in several ways: it eats away at your self-esteem, which can make you needy in relationships and keep others from getting close. It also leads to excess spending, drinking, eating, etc. in an attempt to feel better.

Overpowering yourself with internal criticism or external coercion makes you feel oppressed and rebellious.  The intimidation and pressure eventually leads to paralysis and procrastination. In my experience with myself and my clients,  the only kind of motivation that works permanently grows out of celebration and appreciation. It's easy to remember in equation form: celebration + appreciation = motivation   When you find a way to appreciate yourself for what you've already accomplished, and to celebrate your previous successes, you will find you are naturally motivated to accomplish more.  No struggle, no hassle -- you accomplish out of the pure joy of success!

Guidelines for learning self-appreciation

To become proficient in self-appreciation, try the following suggestions:

            Make a note: Write positive comments on your daily calendar to yourself for jobs well done or any achievements you want to celebrate.  Or you can paste stickers on your daily calendar as you accomplish goals daily  frequent positive commentary  is a very effective way to reward yourself and remind yourself of your success.

            Look to your childhood: Use activities that felt like a celebration in your childhood: did your family toast a celebration  with champagne or sparkling cider, a gathering of friends, or a thankful prayer? Create a celebration environment: use balloons, music, flowers, candles, or set your  table with the best china. Use the exercise on your family style in chapter two to find ideas.

            Visible reminders: Surround yourself with visible evidence of your successes. Plant a commemorative rosebush or get a new houseplant to mark a job well done, or display photos of fun events, and sports or hobby trophies.  It's a constant reminder that you appreciate yourself and when you see them daily, you'll feel the appreciation.

            Reward yourself:  A new trashy romance novel or detective thriller can be a great reward/celebration for reading your required technical books.

             Party!: Celebrate a cherished friendship with an impromptu lunchtime picnic and a balloon. Or with tickets to a ball game. (adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction)

Without Ego

Dr. Romance writes:  When  reading philosophical  teachings and writings, I often wonder why the body and the ego are seen so negatively, as if they somehow are antithetical to spirituality.  Although ego, body and mind are not all we are, each is part, an expression of the whole self, included in our precious gifts from God, the Universe, Life, Spirit. It would be as sensible to hate or degrade a mathematical problem given me by a teacher for learning purposes.  Of course I can be frustrated in my efforts to solve a difficult problem; that is merely an expression of my eagerness to achieve. How much easier on me, however, to enjoy the puzzle, to marvel at my reasoning processes and their growth and  development as I draw nearer, bit by bit, to the solution.  Even so, frustrated or not, I learn.

There  are  those of us who love school, and those who hate it. Nevertheless, we are all in school. And the ego, the mind and the body are our major learning tools.    Through them, we learn the concepts  of   attachment/detachment, freedom/responsibility, joy/pain, wisdom/ignorance. These concepts, once grasped and mastered, are our prerequisites for the next level of learning in which we are (perhaps)  freed of  body/ego  and introduced to new tools.

If I reject my body, my ego, or my so-called negative emotions, I am rejecting myself.  If I reject myself, I am rejecting a holy creation and gift.  If I reject or denigrate integral parts of my self, then I am split, dysfunctional, not whole, and not comfortable in my body and with my sense of self.  How much more joyful it is to regard my life as the finest Montessori School of all time, where the sandbox and mudpuddles offer learning experiences equally as rich and essential as do the books of poetry and lofty philosophy.

Without body:

We couldn’t enjoy the many sensory and sensual experiences of this life

We wouldn’t learn the invaluable lessons of getting obsessive about those experiences, and learning the self-control they teach us.

We would miss out on learning to love and cherish our brief moments on this planet, the fleeting nature of which is reflected back to us by the body’s aging process.

We wouldn’t be able to interact on a cellular level with the air, food, minerals, water, and the other beings, literally becoming one with the planet on a daily basis.

We would miss the powerful lessons we’re learning right now, that if we pollute our environment, we pollute ourselves – physically, emotionally and spiritually.

We would not have the viceral (gut) experiences of the physical components of our emotion – the hormonally driven ecstasy and agony of emotional joy and pain.

We’d miss out on so much of artistic expression – dance, the musical beat that originally was born of heartbeat, sound, light, color, poetry, theater and all the rest of that exuberance.

Without ego:

We’d  have no control over our emotions, and be battered around by them, like a ship in a stormy sea with no rudder.

We wouldn’t be able to protect ourselves against others’ emotions and feelings, and every little thing others said and did would cut us to the quick.

We wouldn’t be able to make plans and follow through to reach goals

We couldn’t keep ourselves going in a productive direction when obstacles come along

We’d have no sense of who we are, how we are the same or different from others, and we’d never learn the lessons of shared humanity.

As a psychologist, I seek to help people integrate all the components of ego, body, emotions, mind and spirit until they all work together in a healthy human way.  Perfection is not the goal – healthy living is.  When your body (with all its human flaws and imperfections) functions well, all its many cells, organs, hormones, fluids, muscles, bones, nerves and sinews cooperate and work together to help you experience and express your life.  When your body, mind, spirit, emotions – and yes, your ego -- work together, spirit doesn’t have to work against ego, ego doesn’t have to work against spirit, and there’s no internal fight – no struggle for supremacy, no inner denial or right/wrong battle.  Each component does its part, and all work together to help you become the most shining example of who you are.  That’s what the old gospel song about “this little light of mine” and “inner light” or “inner spirit” means – when all of who we are works together, we are free to be the best of who we were born to be.

When I think of my body with all its billion miracles and exquisitely effective methods of expression both conscious and unconscious; with all its components of which I approve and those for which I have enough self-denial to disapprove – I am suddenly reminded to regard my whole self (body, mind, spirit, emotions, and ego ) with the awe, gratitude, and gentleness I deserve.  I know I can count on all my component parts to help me through my lessons for when my body, my ego, or my feelings you insist I focus my attention I cannot deny them.

My Ego has a sharply focused viewpoint; boundless pride; a fine-tuned sensitivity to others' egos; and the ability to keep me focused: on my uniqueness  (often auto-interpreted as weirdness); my responsibility to me; and my essential human aloneness.  It is a precious, irreplaceable tool. When I can manage to see myself, not as a disparate collection of separate parts, but as an amazing, cohesive design of interconnected, finely designed components working smoothly together, I am filled with awe at the miracle of each one of us, myself included.  When I stop trying to resist, resent, overpower, deny or ignore parts of myself, and instead seek to help the whole human package be the best I can be, I find myself as peaceful and joyful as I have ever been.

I sense that when the time cones to exchange my body/ego for new tools, I will feel bereaved. Let me not waste a moment of this opportunity to learn with such companions as I may not know again, my ego, my emotions, and my body! (From It Ends with You © 2009 Tina B. Tessina)

 

Resolving Inner Anarchy

Dr. Romance writes: Recent events have me thinking about political anarchy – riots, bombings, civil wars, threats, and other bad and dangerous behavior around the world. Politically, anarchy means obeying no laws. It’s frightening to watch a mob take over. Anarchy is the result of two things: repression and neglect. When people are economically and politically repressed, they become frustrated. When they are also ignored and neglected, negative forces are free to take over. This is how gangs and terrorist organizations take hold.

It’s a great metaphor for another kind of anarchy that happens much closer to home, which is a result of similar dynamics. When your feelings and thoughts are out of control and take over your thinking process, you can be gripped by inner anarchy. Depression, rage, anxiety attacks and addiction are all forms of inner anarchy. And they all result from repressing your feelings and neglecting to maintain your inner equilibrium. Milder forms of inner anarchy include saying things you don’t mean (but can’t take back) in the heat of an argument, the inability to accomplish what you want because of inner resistance, and out of control behaviors, such as drinking, spending or eating too much. We all have experienced these.

To calm down the inner anarchy, we must become aware of what’s going on inside, and learn to manage our thoughts and emotions. Acknowledging your feelings is more important than expressing them. Once you know what is going on with you emotionally, you can make a rational decision about how, when and where to express it to best effect. If you don't acknowledge your feelings, they can keep you stuck, and unable to let go. Faced and accepted, they can become an opportunity to change whatever needs to be changed, and to create a new opportunity.

The decision about whether or not to express your feelings in a given situation depends on what you want to accomplish, and how possible that is under the circumstances. For example, if you're angry, take some time to figure out that you're angry, why you're angry, and what it will take to fix it. Once you have that worked out, you can express all three of those facts, in a rational way, to the person you want to tell. Doing this gives you the best chance of getting your desired result. If you just react, and express your feelings helter-skelter, the situation is likely to escalate into a problem.

As a psychotherapist, I think jealousy, anger, envy, contempt, resentment and greed are useful, not ugly, emotions, but I know most people have trouble with them. Think of these emotions as the little lights on the dashboard of your car. When they light up, they're telling you something you need to know, to keep life running smoothly. By overcoming your "autophobia" -- fear of yourself -- and getting comfortable with your feelings, you can turn them from ugly to useful.

Contrary to what many of my clients believe when they first come to me, it's not that hard to learn to manage your emotions. Becoming autonomous, or self-regulating, means that you can do what you are supposed to do without being told by someone else. It could be as simple as getting yourself out of bed for work, cleaning your home, or as complicated as making sure your financial situation is stable. Inner anarchy is in charge when you don't do things until you're forced to, or you're late for work because you didn't hear your alarm clock.

You can learn to be emotionally responsive to yourself as well as to others, which means you can empathize and respond effectively to your own feelings. That is, you can be sympathetic and comforting to your own sadness, respectful of your own anger, reassuring of your own fear.

When you’re motivated, you have things you want to accomplish in life, and you have the energy to carry out your plans. For example, you want to do better, financially, so you get enthused about being more educated, and you go to school, complete your classes and get your degree. You don't have to fight yourself to do it, because you want the result. No one has to tell you to do it, because you’re self-regulating.

When you’re in control of your impulses, you don't have temper tantrums, drink too much, or let your other "animal impulses": (ie: greed, lust, gluttony, pride, rage, jealousy, etc.) take over. We all have negative impulses. The mature person has them under control, and can keep his or her life on an even keel. That is, you think before you react or respond. Inner anarchy exists if you’re getting drunk, raging, remaining in bad relationships "because I love him".

Self management is not difficult, once you understand it’s your responsibility. Many of us remain mystified about our inner thoughts and feelings, because we’ve never been taught to consult with ourselves before acting. Asking your own opinion about an issue, finding out what you think or feel about it, takes the pressure off you, and gives you the means and opportunity to decide how you’re going to act on what you think and feel.

You have to make some choices: Do you want to keep doing what you're doing, or do you want to learn self_control and have a life that works? Do you want to look good to your peers, or do you want to be successful? Do you want to be right, or be loved? In every case, learning to manage your feelings and act responsibly will get you more of what you want from life.

Inner anarchy will affect your relationships, too. Healthy relationships are built on a foundation, or infrastructure, of clear thinking, problem solving, and mutual support. I often ask my clients to stop and think about what they're doing in the middle of a fight, and ask them what they look like to themselves. They realize they sound and look like children fighting, and they're not making sense, even to themselves. Usually, neither partner would argue with the boss, colleagues at work, or a child's teacher the way you argue with each other. You have choices _ you don't have to argue with each other. Instead of acting like bickering children, use your grownup self_control to pull yourself out of the argument. Keep in mind that it doesn't matter who's right, who started it, or whether it's fair. He (or she) who "loses it", loses everything.

Learning to be patient and remain calm also reduces and relieves stress. Cultivating patience is really learning impulse control: Learn how to do "emotional maintenance" and shake off stress; How to quit when something is getting to you. It's an issue in self_control. Research shows that happiness and satisfaction depend more on the inner person than on external circumstances. The secret to living a less stressed existence is to get in charge of your feelings and thoughts. Then you can build the life you want. (Adapted From It Ends With You) © 2009 Tina B. Tessina