Dr. Romance Blog

Dr. Romance Video: Repairing a Dysfunctional Mother/Daughter Relationship

"Dr. Romance on Repairing a Dysfunctional Mother/Daughter Relationship"

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When you hit your teens you and your mom had a bad time, and you still are.  Maybe she's not the mother you always wanted, but she's yours. How do you bury the hatchet and repair your connection?  This will also be helpful for moms trying to repair relationships with daughters.  You may never be best friends, but you can learn to appreciate each other and get along.

As the daughter of a mom who was seriously depressed (which I only understood when I grew up) I know it can be difficult to get along. Some moms are easy to be around, and others are more difficult. It's not that your mom's a bad person, others may get along with her fine, but you may have to work a little bit more to understand what she means, to not take what she says the wrong way,or use a little more patience around her, because your mom's personality or style is quite different from yours.  It's worth the work, because your differences will stretch you a bit, and enrich your life and understanding in ways don't happen with people who are more like you. Challenging relationships can be the most rewarding. If you don't have an easy time with your mom, but still want to get along, check your own thinking first.  Instead of  trying to get what you've always wanted from your mom, think of finding a way to enjoy her as she is.  Find something you can appreciate about her; something she does well, the way she dresses, her good friends, her hobbies.  Make that the focus of your time together.  
          
If you have trouble getting treated like an adult around your mom, the following guidelines can help you move the relationship from child-parent to a more equitable connection.

Guidelines for Growing up within your Family  
1. Call her "Mom" or "Mother"  instead of the more  childlike "Mommy" or "Momma".  It will make you think differently about your interaction.

2. Change your conversation to be more like the conversations you have with friends.  Don't limit it strictly to family memories, or gossip about family members, or questions about your personal life. Before you speak with her, take a minute to think of what "grownup" topics you'd like to talk about.  Current events, sports, work issues (just facts and events -- avoid complaining) political or local neighborhood issues are all grownup topics.  

3.  If you have children of your own, share with your mom on a parent -to parent basis.

4. Don't react if your mom does or says something annoying.  Just ignore it, and change the subject.

5. Don't ask your mom for advice — try offering your own expertise instead — but offer it as you would to a friend.  Don't push.

6. Pay attention to the balance of your interaction.  Don't let your role slide into all giving or all receiving, try to keep the score even, as you probably do with your friends.

7.  In general, treat your mom like the mother of someone you care about, and not your own.  After all, if you were with a friend's family, and someone did something odd, you'd just ignore it, and you wouldn't let yourself be drawn into family squabbles.  You'd just be polite and pleasant, for your friend's sake.

After following these guidelines for a few months, your interactions with your mom will change, so that you can relax and just be your adult self.  You'll find that you have more fun after you leave your old childhood behavior patterns and emotional leftovers behind.
(C) 2012 Tina B. Tessina
Adapted from:
 It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

 

Dr. Romance says: "Lighten Up - Cures for Marital Boredom"

Dr. Romance writes:

The old folk songs say it:

Oh, love is handsome, love is fine
Love is a jewel when it is new; 
But when love's old, it waxes cold
And fades away, like morning dew.

Folk wisdom says it: If newlyweds put a penny in a jar for every time they make love in the first year, and take one out for every time after that, the jar will never be empty.

Although most of us hope for our love to last forever, studies show that many couples who have been married for several years actually feel quite hopeless about keeping love alive, or at best resigned to boredom.

The majority expectation is that sexual excitement will fade, and the best we can hope for is fondness and affection, and it is this belief that often underlies cheating, affairs and even leaving a spouse for a new, often younger version.

When couples know how to:
* enjoy sex with each other rather than be tempted by others,
* be open and honest with each other about sexual dissatisfactions, attractions, and other uncomfortable topics, 
* have well-established, reasonable guidelines for spending intimate time together,
* care about each others' feelings, 
* treat each other with respect
* support each others' emotional health and happiness, and
* work together to create a partnership,

...they have a sexual relationship that enhances and brings excitement instead of boredom and discord to their partnership.

Satisfaction Enhances Security

Couples who know, from experience, that they can feel mutually satisfied and enhanced by being with each other, do not doubt their relationship or their commitment.  When a relationship goes well, the reasons for being in it are clear:  Why would any one want to leave a relationship where they get what they want, and have fun to boot? When your relationship works well and feels like the best of all possible relationships, leaving it for something else, however new and exciting, is too big a gamble to take.

Creating this kind of security takes some skill and effort. A key ingredient for success for any long-term relationship is learning to create fun together.  Why fun? Because having fun together is a major way all couples enhance their positive feelings about each other, which we call bonding.  While fun enhances your bonding and the security in your relationship, the absence of fun can create boredom, which can lead to serious problems.

Avoiding Boredom

Boredom in a relationship is usually the result of avoidance -- of each other, of change, of responsibility, or of life.

Boredom is a signal that the two of you have begun to take each other and your relationship for granted.  Perhaps your activities have become too routine or you are avoiding facing a problem.  Counter the boredom by taking necessary risks -- for example, have that scary discussion about sex, aging, your in-laws, or dare to suggest a change in your routine.  If the cause of boredom is a too-regular routine, the problem is easily fixed.  All you need to do is... anything different.  It doesn't matter what you do as long as it's different and can be shared.    

Use the following three words as your key to avoiding boredom: celebration, play, and laughter.  
Celebration: Just as you used celebration as an important ingredient of your marriage ceremony, work promotions, your children's birthdays and graduation, you and your spouse need to continue celebrating your love throughout your lives to keep your energy high and maintain your motivation.  Frequent celebrations demonstrate your love and appreciation for each other.

 Organize festivities with friends, or celebrate alone together.  Go away for the weekend to mark a special event or simply to celebrate the fact of your continuing love.  Plan a special evening at home or at a restaurant; attend a concert to go to an amusement park together.  In short, don't stop dating because you've been together a long time.

A celebration need not be expensive.  The point is to acknowledge that you're celebrating something.  Ginger ale in a champagne glass, a lit candle and a bubble bath may be all you need. 

Play:  Playing together can help you to avoid boredom. It's during play that we re-create and renew our individual and mutual energies. Make recreation, play, and fun a priority in your relationship, setting aside time for play on a regular basis.  Filling all of your spare time with overtime work, volunteer work, or other such activities can translate into an avoidance of your partner. Get over any reluctance you have to appear silly, and throw a frisbee, blow bubbles, get on the swings in the park, play a cutthroat game of Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit, or just read silly jokes and funny stories to each other.  Dr. Seuss books, like If I Ran the Circus, and silly poems by Ogden Nash, are favorites of mine.

Laughter: I believe that after the initial excitement wears off in a long-term relationship, if all goes well, a sense of humor sets in.  Partners in long-term relationships generally have the self-esteem and confidence to laugh at their own and each other's quirks and weaknesses.  Through laughter, you and your partner can relieve pressure and remind yourselves that you're human.  A joke, a silly gesture or a funny greeting card or gift can often heighten intimacy.  Richard and I have gotten through many trying times together by repeating the sentiment of a greeting card given years ago.  The front read, "I love you" and inside, it said "it's a dirty job, but someone has to do it!" 

In my practice I have seen couples use conflict as the mainstay of their lives together, because they feel that not having constant dramatic struggles means not taking the relationship seriously.  Once they learn that such drama not only does not signify love, but is also unhealthy, they can learn to lighten up, relax, and substitute the delight of humor and play for the pain of struggle.
(adapted from: How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free)

Dr. Romance video: "On Having a New Baby When You Have Stepchildren"

 

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You and your new spouse are over the moon about having a baby, but the children from your previous marriage are acting strange and upset or distant. What's wrong, and how do you fix it?  Tina B. Tessina, PhD, "Dr. Romance" licensed psychotherapist and author, gives you steps to follow to make sure everyone gets onboard with the blessed event.

Dr. Romance’s 5 tips to parenting step children with a new baby
1. Give your current kids a chance to bond with the baby. Make it very clear that you are all one big family, and you love everyone equally, and act that way.   Don’t worry if everyone doesn’t settle in right away; bonding takes time.  Hopefully, your blended family was running smoothly before you became pregnant, but the adjustment to a new baby can take time for everyone.

2.  Have family meetings weekly.  Give everyone (kids, too) a chance to share how they feel, what they like and don’t like, and ask them to share both positive and negative opinions.  Invite suggestions about how to make things better.  Shared times, such as mealtimes, are important -- but each person needs a break, too.  Don’t allow the schedule to be too busy -- plan some time off.
3.  New babies absorb a lot of attention and energy, so give your older children some involvement, without dumping too much responsibility on them.  Encourage them to be around while you’re tending to the baby– bathing, changing, feeding – and include them in your excitement about how “our” baby is growing and changing.

 4.  With a new baby, you really need to be on the same parenting page.  Mom and Dad need to work out parenting methods, rewards, punishments, chores, allowances, bedtimes, homework, etc.  It’s much easier if you have a routine and rules in place before the baby comes.  You don’t want the new baby to be blamed because you got more strict.  The baby is going to change the whole family’s routines, so discuss that with your children before the big arrival.

5. If one or more of your children is in shared custody, and leaves periodically, take some time to catch up with what they were doing while they were gone, let them know you missed them, then talk a little bit about what was happening at your house while they were gone. The most important thing is that all of your children feel like equal parts of your family, special for their differences, but equally loved.

For more on this, read Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage

 

 

 

Dr. Romance Video: How to Apologize

  

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Uh-oh. You messed up, and now you boyfriend, relative or best friend is really mad at you.  Do you even know why?  Dr. Romance licensed psychotherapist and author, explains how to figure out what's wrong and resolve the anger.

 Dr. Romance’s 4 Steps: How to apologize

1. Surrender to your responsibility.  When you become aware that you have made a mistake, admit it and apologize. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.  You don’t have to be afraid of punishment or rejection – apologizing makes it easier to be forgiven.

2. Don’t be afraid to admit you're wrong. This fear comes from a culture of blaming and accusing -- where your early family or schoolmates may have picked a "culprit" when something went wrong, and focused on blame, rather than on fixing the problem and healing the hurt. Don’t approach every situation as if you're on trial, and don’t compulsively try to convince everyone you're not guilty. Apology and subsequent forgiveness is stress-releasing, and healthy for the relationship, which turns out to be healthy for the participants in the relationship. Relationships which include healthy apology and forgiveness are less stressful, more supportive, and therefore healthier for the individuals within them. 
3. Follow the following pattern for apology:  * Admit your mistake: Speak directly to the person to whom you need to apologize.* State what you did (so the person knows you’re aware)* Say you’re sorry* Do a re-take: Describe what change you’ll make to fix it, and so it won’t happen again * Say “I hope you can forgive me.”
4. If that doesn’t work, ask the other person what he or she wants you to apologize for (in case you misunderstood your mistake)

Dr. Romance Happiness Tip: The Magic of Reassurance

Dr. Romance writes:

There are a few simple communication techniques that  work like magic in relationships, whether with committed partners, friends, co-workers or relatives. One of the most effective is reassurance, which is simple to do , and calms both of you down, which allows your discussion move on without struggles.  When a discussion begins to get difficult, if you learn to stay calm and reassure the other person you’ll find it works very effectively.  As you practice reassuring yourself and each other, it gets easier to do, and the more reassurance you give each other, the easier and smoother your discussions will be.

Reassurance
When you and your partner, friend, co-worker or relative are accustomed to arguing or struggling to be “right” and make each other “wrong”, your discussions can be blocked by the fear that every conversation will be just another struggle, someone is going to lose, someone will end up feeling bad, or nobody will win. Worse yet, after all the hassle, frustration and resentment, the problem could still be unsolved. So, when you propose to talk about something, the response is "why bother?"
If the other person won’t talk about a problem, it may be because he or she fears the outcome of the discussion. Determining the source of the fear (is it fear of losing? fear of arguing or fighting? fear it won't work?) gives you an idea about what is needed to reassure your partner. 

Reluctance or refusal talk is usually the result of one or more specific fears, such as: 
* Fear of being manipulated or overpowered: When one of you is more verbal than the other, the less verbal partner can feel overwhelmed and inadequate, and those feelings lead to not wanting to talk at all.  
* Fear of being taken advantage of, made a fool of, or "conned":  If there’s no history of this within your relationship, this fear may come from elsewhere, such as a past relationship or  early childhood:  For example, older kids or siblings always took advantage of you. Those feelings persist, and even if you overcame them in business settings, they may come up when you become close enough to a spouse to feel vulnerable.
* Fear of having another fight: When you have a history of fighting with each other, both of you can become reluctant to begin a conversation (or to get into a serious discussion) because you are sure it will become a fight.
* Fear that the process will be a long, complicated hassle (hard work) without a worthwhile result (a waste of time):  This fear can come about when you’ve had a lot of stubborn struggles which get nowhere. 
* Fear of losing, or having to give up something important:  You or your partner might be reluctant to discuss an issue because one of you suspects you might be wrong, and doesn’t want to admit it or give up a bad habit.
*Fear that a new approach won't go well or work at all:  When you’re making changes in how you talk to each other, especially if it doesn’t work well when it’s brand new, you might be resistant to trying again.
Each of these fears, and any others that might come up, can be discovered, communicated and reassured, and the following guidelines will show you how.

Do’s and Don’ts for Reassuring Each Other: 
*DO: Gently let your partner know that you think he or she is avoiding a conversation, by mentioning what you observe:  “When I asked if you wanted to talk, you said yes, but then you disappeared.  Are you reluctant to talk about this?”
*DON’T: Criticize or accuse your partner.  What you observed could be wrong, so ask your partner if your guess is correct, and he or she is reluctant to negotiate.
*DO: Ask for an appointment to talk again. 
*DON’T: Accuse your partner of being afraid to talk; just acknowledge your own fears, if you have any.   Perhaps your fear is that he or she won’t talk to you.
*DON’T: Deny your own behavior.  If you argued in the past, acknowledge it, and explain what is different now: “You're right, we did get angry and yell before, but we both realize that doesn't work, and we’re learning a new way.”
*DO: Make some agreements about what to do if your discussion becomes a problem. “If this starts to be difficult, we’ll take a break.” Knowing that you have a strategy to take care of yourselves if things don't go right will give you the additional confidence to talk.
*DO: Reassure each other.  Make an agreement that you will honor each other’s opinions, play fair and seek a mutually satisfactory outcome.  Let your friend or partner know that you care about his or her wants and needs.
*DO: Agree to do whatever you can to create a pleasant experience with a desirable result.  Knowing how to reassure each other will enhance your communication, your intimacy and your sexual connection. In chapter four, you’ll learn how to make transitions, which will further enhance your communication and intimacy.  

Adapted from  How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free

 

Dr. Romance video: How to be civil to an ex-husband

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The divorce was ugly, he was a jerk, but you still need to have contact with him because of your kids or finances. You hate to have to deal with him, but you have to. What can you do to make it better for yourself and your kids? Tina B. Tessina, PhD, "Dr. Romance" licensed psychotherapist and author, gives you ways to ignore his loutishness and make the relationship work for you.

Dr. Romance’s 3 tips to dealing with a difficult ex

1. Choose your battles. One of my clients said “I don’t want to die on that hill.” She meant: that battle isn’t worth what it will cost me – I’ll ignore that problem and save it for a bigger one. Don’t get into adversarial positions with your ex when it’s not necessary. Even if he or she drives you crazy, don’t become oppositional. Save your energy for the big issues.

2. Don’t react, respond. Think carefully about everything you say before you say it. Calculate your words to get the response you want from your ex, rather than to create a problem you’ll have to clean up later. It often works better to deal with difficult exes by phone message or e-mail, rather than in person. Everyone stays calmer.

3. Leave it in the divorce court. You’ve fought your battle, it came out however it did, now let it go. Remember, you once chose this partner, and you have things to learn about your choices. Focus on learning your lessons, and don’t re-fight the old battles that are already settled. Do your part in the custody agreement, and if he doesn’t do his, just keep a diary of all the times he didn’t. If she creates scenes, just quietly listen and tape record them. If you get a nasty phone message, tape it and save it. If you need to, you can bring all this evidence to your lawyer to take to court, and win your big battles there.

You can get more help by reading Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage

 

Dr. Romance Video: How to Deal With Partying Roommates

 

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"Dr. Romance: How to Deal With Partying Roommates"They're loud, they're drunk, they keep you up or wake you up at night.  What can you do?  Tina B. Tessina, PhD, "Dr. Romance" licensed psychotherapist and author, gives you steps to solve the problem -- or get new roomies who know how to behave.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F52ryg4JyA8 (How to Deal With Partying Roommates)

The best way to have a good roommate situation is to talk about your arrangements in advance, including writing them down so they're clear. It's important to go into detail. Ask about cleanliness, tidiness, money, pets, plants, guests, kitchen sharing, everything -- and do it before you agree to be roommates.  Do's and Don'ts for getting along with your roommate:

DO be warm and welcoming to your new roommate. He or she's as nervous about getting along with you as you may be about him or her.

DON'T be intrusive. Find out what your roommate’s privacy level is before you barge in.DO offer your help, advice, etc.

DON'T insist your new roommate do it your way.

DO learn in advance about your new roommate’s tastes, likes and dislikes.

DON'T criticize if you disagree with what he or she likes, wears, or how she decorates.

DO tell your roommate what you like about his or her choices.

DON'T criticize, instead ask him or her to explain the things you don't understand.

DO allow some time for the two of you to get to know each other, and talk about how you want to do things, decorate, divide space, have friends in, play music, handle food and meals, etc.

DON'T panic if you don't get on famously right away.

DO try to understand roommate, but don't assume you know how he or she feels. Ask instead.

DON'T expect it to be like your own relationship with your siblings or best friend.

Remember, you are never in control of another person, even if it seems that you are, and that they wish you to be. You can’t control who you’ll meet, when or where you’ll meet them, how anyone else will feel, or what they’ll do.Self-control is the only real control you have. However, it is all the control you’ll need. By taking responsibility for your own actions, words, and reactions, you can greatly stack the odds in your own favor.

I think of responsibility as response-ability: the ability to respond to life, people and events. While you may not be responsible for most of what happens, you are completely responsible for your reaction to what is happening. For example, if you are out with a new person and that person acts in some rude, uncaring or unacceptable manner, You have the ability to respond in many ways. Whenever you’re in a difficult situation, you can react irresponsibly, getting defensive, angry or running away. Many people do this without thinking, and it makes the situation worse. The response-able person will consider his or her options. Think about what your responsibility is in this situation, and take charge of your words and actions.

If you respond thoughtfully and with integrity and honor, most other people will calm down and interact with you on that higher level. Being response-able means using all your self-control, skill and knowledge to take care of yourself, even when it’s difficult.Response-ability is the capacity to choose. Out of many possible responses, I can always choose the one I make. Response- ability is remembering to be in charge and make careful, thought-out choices.

For example, if your roommate is critical of you, there are a few things you can do to help the criticism "roll off your back."

First, use a sense of humor: if you can come up with a clever funny remark that diffuses the criticism, that is always the most effective way to disarm it.

Second, give an "adult time out" anytime your roommate is negative and critical: emotionally retreat into politeness. Be very pleasant, but distant -- say "Yes, please" "No, thank you" and respond politely to any request, but don't share any personal information. This usually causes a negative person to snap out of it. Third, ignore any negative thing that is said __ just treat it as if it didn't happen. In this way, you don't reward it, and the other person will eventually stop. I also use prayers and affirmations to help me let go of the negative thoughts. Sending a blessing to the critical person, that he or she be healed, can be very liberating.

Dr. Romance Video: "Resolving Mother & Sister Fights"

 

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 Dr. Romance on "Resolving Mother & Sister Fights"

Often, the same quirks, reactions and behaviors that create problems between you and the female members of your famiy wouldn't be a problem if they was someone else's family.  If your best friend's mom or sister did the same thing, you'd probably let it go, gloss over it and focus on what you like about her.  The same techniques will work with your own sisters and mom. Try pretending they're  someone else's family and see if that puts things is perspective. Use the following guidelines to let go of small things that might get in the way of enjoying the day.
To let go of small things:
1: Perspective—put them in perspective—will it be important an hour from now or fifteen minutes from now? Most of them won't be.
2. Self-understanding: If someone or something upsets you, don't exacerbate the problem by getting on your own case for reacting. Reactions are normal -- it's what we do with them that counts.
3: Rise above: If someone frightened you (a driver who cut you off) then give a little prayer of thanks that you survived, bless the other driver (who probably needs it) and you'll feel better.
4. Benefit of the doubt: If someone hurt your feelings, acknowledge that your feelings are hurt, then consider that the other person is probably more clumsy than intentionally hurtful. The world is full of emotional klutzes who don't realize the impact of their words and actions, and they create more problems for themselves than for you.
5. Consider the source: A neighbor or associate who is truly nasty may repeatedly hurt your feelings. Consider what must be going on inside that person's head, and be grateful that you're not hearing that. Even the meanest people are far nastier to themselves than they are to others. That person is tryin to relieve his or her pain by inflicting some on you.
6: Adult time out: If someone repeatedly hurts, abuses or disrespects you, the best way to handle it is with an adult time out.
Handling difficult personalities takes skill and knowhow. Here's a technique anyone can learn to use that works every time.
Adult time out  

If someone behaves badly in your presence, giving that adult a “time out” is a powerful and subtle way of fixing the problem. All you need to do is become very distant and polite around the person who is not treating you well. No personal talk and interaction, no joking, no emotion. Be very polite, so the person cannot accuse you of being unpleasant, mean or rude. There is no need to explain what you are doing: the problem person will get the message from your behavior -which is much more effective. Most people will change, but even if the person's behavior doesn't change, you can leave him or her in "time out" and you won’t have to be anxious about his or her behavior. From It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

 

Dr. Romance video "How to Deal with an Annoying Boyfriend"

 

Dr. Romance video here

Guys, especially younger ones, are well known for having 'courting behavior' and then relaxing into their old, slobby selves once you're committed. It's not that men are from Mars, women from Venus - it's more like all of us have grown up on different planets. Couples can get caught up in arguing about who's right, rather than focusing on what will work. 

All of us have little traits that annoy our partners, and what is easy and fun for one may be intolerable and abhorrent to the other.  These personal "quirks" can produce major struggles unless you discuss them and work together to minimize the annoyance factors.  When you got together you found each other's traits refreshing and endearing; but they can become irritating when you're living  with them on a 24/7 basis.

Quirks such as:

*a laugh or throat-clearing that grates on your nerves,
*differences in messiness or neatness,
*irritating jokes or stories,
*incompatible work schedules,
*different ideas about TV programs or music, housekeeping,
*your partner's nail-biting or smoking, 
*differences about what and when to eat or feed the dog, 
*different politeness levels with family and friends, or
*struggles over how warm or what color the room should be

when endured for months and years, can feel like sufficient reason to break up, divorce, oor even commit mayhem.

Many men were not taught anything about housecleaning or picking up after themselves. Sloppiness is most commonly a learned behavior. Either his parents were also sloppy, or constantly cleaned up after him, so he never learned: 1. how to do it; or 2. to notice or be bothered by a mess. 

Small irritations may seem silly, but they  can create enough resentment over time to become serious problems. Arguing about who's right and who's wrong doesn't work. The key is to tell your partner what bothers you, and negotiate about it.  Don't insult, hurt or demean your partner by what you say, but communicate pleasantly. "Dear, when we're watching TV together, and you suddenly channel surf, it startles me.  Could you check with me before you do it?"  Or, "Honey, I'm not comfortable with our division of labor.  Can we talk about it and work out a different system?"  -- You're not accusingl you're just working out the logistics of a problem.  

If you have different tastes, it may require a lot of creativity and negotiation or ourside help to decorate and maintain a joint home that's comfortable.

You can make deals with each other. "If you'll dress up for my business meeting, or clean up your mess, then I'll....." Just try to remember this is the person you love; not your enemy. If your partner is really treating you like the enemy, maybe it's time to let go and find a more reasonable person.

Dr. Romance on How to Deal with Annoying Quirks 

1. Sometimes, your boyfriend's quirks are small enough to be easily dismissed by deciding the "whole package" more than makes up for the little annoying quirks.  If you can do this without resentment, his quirks will cease to be a problem, although you may occasionally need to remind yourself of the benefits of the relationship.
2. Perhaps he will voluntarily modify his or her behavior to make you happy. Ask him directly for what you want (see below) and see what happens.
3. You can minimize the impact of your partner's quirks on yourself by finding things to do when he or she is gone, asking clearly for what you want, or distancing yourself from irritating habits.
4. If the above three steps don't work, and you feel irritated and resentful about a job problem, find a way to discuss the problem objectively, without blame or defensiveness, to create solutions that satisfy both of you. 

Women need to know how to ask men for what they want directly, and in a rational, not emotional manner. Men respond much better to “Honey, will you take out the garbage?” than to a whiney “The garbage can is overflowing, and it smells bad.” or "I have to do everything around here.”

The indirect request is a female style of communication that works well with other women, but doesn't work well on men, because our thought processes are different.

How NOT to get what you want: (Common mistakes)     

• Exaggerate your want: The fear that you may not get what you want may cause you to say you want more than you really do, (“I want you here all the time”). This is confusing to both you and your partner, and because your wants are exaggerated, makes it look much more difficult to reach a satisfactory solution than it really is.     

• Overstate your need: The fear that you won't get your wants met may cause you to state what you want as if your survival depended on it (“I'll just DIE if you don't come with me”). This causes your partner to feel suspicious that he or she is being manipulated, and resist cooperating with you.     

• Argue for or justify your want: Anxiety that your wants are not important enough to be satisfied may lead you to present them as a persuasive argument, with an overwhelming flood of reasons why you should want them or that the wants should be satisfied, (“I should get more of the money than you do, because .......”). This can provoke your partner to object and argue in return, rather than listen.     

• Don't say what you want: Belief that you won't get what you want anyway, or that differences in wants will cause a fight, may lead you to say you “don't care” or “it's not important” or just be silent, when the truth is you'll resent not getting what you want.     

• Understate your want: Fear that your partner will be upset, hurt or unhappy if you say what you really want may lead you to ask for something else (“Let’s ask your sister to go with us” when you really want an evening all alone together.) This confuses your partner, and makes it impossible to get what you really want because you haven't said what it is. 

from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things that can Ruin Your Marriage

 

Dr. Romance Video: Creating a Blended Family When You Have a New Wife

"Dr. Romance Video on Creating a Blended Family When You Have a New Wife"
 

 

Dr. Romance's 4 tips to smoother step-parenting

1. Give your blended family a chance to bond. Don’t worry if everyone doesn’t settle in right away; bonding takes time.  Hopefully, you all got to know each other before you moved in together, but the transition to living comfortably together can take time.

2.   Have family meetings weekly.  Give everyone (kids, too) a chance to share how they feel, what they like and don’t like, and ask them to share both positive and negative opinions.  Invite suggestions about how to make things better.  Shared times, such as mealtimes, are important -- but each person needs a break, too.  Don’t allow the schedule to be too busy -- plan some time off.

3.    Get on the same parenting page.  Mom and Dad need to work out parenting methods, rewards, punishments, chores, allowances, bedtimes, homework, etc.  Each of your single-parent families is unique, and everyone has to adjust to change. Transition is much easier if the parents are in agreement.  If something happens you haven’t discussed, just defer to one parent, and work it out later.  If you allow the kids to create discord between you, they’ll jump on it right away, and make your lives miserable. 

4.     If you have shared custody with one or more outside parents, resolve any conflicts with them right away –ex-spouse struggles can become disasters. You’ll all be connected for life.  Help the children transition from one household to another by “debriefing” when they come home.  “How was your visit?”  Then talk about the system at your house.

 "Dating Guidelines for Single Parents"  will give you more information about how to set yourself and your family up for success.  The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again demystifies the whole process from dating to creating a new, blended family.