DR. Romance Blog

Dr. Romance and Charles J. Orlando weigh in on masculinity

This week, I was asked the following question by a journalist, and thought I'd invited Charles J. Orlando, author of The Problem with Women is...Men to dialogue about it.
 
Journalist:  Does it make a man less masculine if he’s too in touch with his feminine side, and if it does, what does it say about him and his personality? Does too nice make him border line gay, or clueless about what women really want? I’d like to know your opinion on this subject.

Dr. Romance  I think a man who is kind and caring is a strong man.  Is that his feminine side? Why? Why don't men have a kind and caring masculine side?  The only thing that I'd call "too nice" is if he lets himself get walked on by people, and we call that co-dependency, not feminine.
 
If women really want obnoxious jerks, then women are wrong.  Women with self-esteem want men with character, kindness and honesty.  Healthy women want men who can commit, who can be equal partners in life.  It seems to me that kind men are ideal for that.  Let's get rid of the stupid posturing some men do.  It's nothing but fear and self-loathing disguised as bravado.

Charles J. Orlando: "Less masculine"? The question seems to quietly imply that men have one side, whereas the truth is much simpler:  That men and women both exhibit masculine and feminine traits. Men who connect with women on "sisterly grounds" are merely channeling their feminine side, not sacrificing their masculinity. "Clueless"? On the contrary, if men would really listen more (and not just hear), I think relationships might be in a completely different place today.

In The Problem With Women is.... Men, I said “If men could break out of their caveman mentality and see the perception women have of them—it would be blindingly obvious to them why divorce rates are up, why kids’ grades are down, and why the women they claim to love are taking enough anti-depressants to put even Keith Richards into a drunken stupor.”

My embracing my feminine side doesn't equate to "gay" or homosexuality. Forgive me if I'm snarky (is "snarky" a "woman's term"??), but I was under the impression that gay or homosexual meant that someone is attracted romantically to someone of the same gender. I fail to see how listening and connecting with women emasculates a man.

Other goings-on in Dr. Romance's neighborhood:

Dr. Romance on : "Who's your (New) Daddy?" Stepparenting at sheknows.com

Dr. Romance on "The Vampire Attraction" Sheknows.com

American Way Magazine:"Distance Makes the Heart Grow..." by Jenna Schnuer

St.Louis Obispo Tribune: "Lessons to be Learned from High Profile Affairs" 

The Friendship Dr. asks about when friendships become something else

Psychologist Irene S. Levine, Known on the web as "The Friendship Doctor" had some questions for Dr. Romance about when friendship becomes something else:

"It's not unusual for platonic relationships to turn into something different or something more.  Whenever this happens, regardless of gender, it can lead to misunderstandings if both people aren't on the same page.  When two female friends are involved, the potential awkwardness is compounded exponentially because the experience is less common and less talked about.

I was pleased when my colleague Tina B. Tessina, PhD, ...agreed to share some practical advice for women who find themselves involved in such a situation... Tina is author of Gay Relationships for Men and Women:  How to Find Them, How to Improve Them, How to Make Them Last"

Read the whole interview ...

Psychology Today: Dr. Romance interviewed by The Friendship Doctor "More than a friend?"

Huffington Post: The Friendship Dr. interviews Dr. Romance "When a friend wants more than friendship"

Asking for what you want

In her Dating Like a Grownup blog, Relationship Coach Bobbi Palmer was kind enough to recommend a Dr. Romance article:

An Excerpt:  The “How” in asking is sooooo critical. I was reminded of that when, after reading the article, one of my clients said “but my ex-husband always accused me of  being demanding when I asked for something!”   Yep, good point.  The “How” to ask is significant in this equation.

This fantastic article by Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D is a must-read on this subject.  She gives such thoughtful coaching on how important it is to be clear on what you want, and to ask for it.  Then she tells you how to do so in a way that achieves your result - which should be getting what you want and letting your man happily do something to please you.  Dr. Tessina she says this about asking versus demanding: “You can tell the difference because when you are asking, you can handle getting a no answer.”  Yes!  She also gives examples of how to ask a man, versus a woman. 

Be sure to read Dr. Tessina’s article  Asking for What you Want. If you’re expecting your man to figure out what you want, you’ll probably be disappointed and feel rejected.  And there’s no reason for this. Helping him know how to please you in a kind and non-threatening way will make your relationship or marriage better.  Now go! Read the article  Asking for What you Want.  

A Joyful Day!

I had such a wonderful birthday party on Sunday, I just had to share it with you. I invited my favorite lady friends to share tea with me at the Vintage Tea Leaf, which is owned and operated by my dear friend Miss Beverly , Tea Mistress extraordinaire. 

Sevn of my favorite, powerful women friends were there:

Maggie, my friend for 40 years, as of 2008, who is my "sister of the heart" and who runs The Business Women, a bookkeeping service we ran together back in the 70's, when I was putting myself through school to get licensed, and which she has made all her own since I moved on to private practice in 1978.

Sylvia, who has just retired from an illustrious career as a court officer and MSW, advocating for children and families, and my dear friend since 1984.

Robin, who has her own business negotiating on behalf of City Workers unions.

Marlene, retired from administrating a magnet school in Cerritos, and now traveling the world and visiting her far-flung grandchildren.

Barbara, author of Pen on Fire:A busy Woman's Guide to Igniting the Fire Within, renowned writing teacher, journalist and editor of The ASJA Monthly, a magazine for professional journalists from the  American Society of Journalists and Authors, and host of KUCI's Writers on Writing radio show.

Candice, renowned artist in Neon

and the piece-de-resistance, Sheri, accomplished hypnotherapist, teacher at LBCC, roller derby doll, and blogger, who took pictures and wrote a fabulous birthday blog:

http://sherizampelli.com/blog/2009/01/tea-time-with-tina-tessina/

Join the party via her pictures and fun comments. 

I returned home from this fabulous shindig to a house full of cards and flowers, from my husband and my dear friend, the renowned Isadora, of Ask Isadora fame.

I am so honored and proud to call all of these powerful and playful women my friends.  The birthday wish I'm telling (the other one's a secret) is to wish that every women would celebrate herself and her friends, and realize that every passing year is an opportunity to store up treasures in her heart.

The problem with women is men?

Charles Orlando, a very smart married guy, has written a book called The Problem With Women.... is Men: the evolution of a man's man to a man of higher consciousness

He describes himself as "desperately in love with his wife, son and daughter" in short, a dedicated family man.  In the introduction, he states clearly that he's not a relationship expert, but has learned from his own life, in which "Truth be told, I do come from the shadier side of romantic relationships...Over time, I finally realized that, yes... I had chosen the path to sex... not to love, trust sharing and intimacy.   Men -- in all their remote-clicking, control-hoarding, unkempt-hair wearing glory -- need to rise from their passive-aggressive/mixed message sending ashes, and answer the call of the woman in their lives... a call for understanding, listening, support, happiness... and equality"  How refreshing is that? 

"To add insult to injury," Orlando writes "my newfound views had led some people (including long-time friends) to wonder what my "label" was"  His friends thought he must be gay.  "I mean, since when does actively listening to your wife and being dedicated to her success and happiness equate to homosexuality?" 

 

Reading this made me laugh out loud, and reminded Dr. Romance of the saying "all the good men are married -- or gay" often expressed by women.  So, Charles and I are having a dialog on our respective blogs.  You can read his side of the interchange here:  http://www.theproblemismen.com/tpwwim-home/2009/1/12/all-good-men-are-married-or-gay-uh-no.html  

I don't think all the trouble is with men (I'll bet Charles doesn't either.)    To be successful at marriage, couples need to train each other.  Women don't take good care of themselves, and they often live in a fantasy world, hoping for Prince Charming instead of teaching the guy they've got how to be a good partner without nagging and complaining.  I think everybody needs to grow up a bit to have a successful relationship.  I heard recently that some research shows that 10% of couples maintain their emotional connection for life.  The report made it sound like a given, as if it were genetic; but I think it's all in the attitude and skills.  My husband, Richard, and I could be very lucky to be in that 10% (27 years and counting,)  but I believe it's because we both learned from previous marriages, we had good grounding as kids, and we want to be good to each other.  So we have grown up together in many ways.  We have learned to be patient and kind with each other, to respect each other’s point of view.  We have also learned the incredibly useful skill of not participating in the other’s bad moods, or cranky moments. 

Every day, I have the delight and privilege of loving a real, human, fallible man.  We’re now senior citizens, he’s losing hair, I’ve gained weight.  But, after 27 years, we have fused our hearts and souls, if not our personalities.  He clearly loves me, though I often frustrate him, and I am grateful for his presence in my life on a daily basis.  Our sex life is lovely, thank you, even if it doesn’t match cyber-fantasies.  We laugh together, we share the struggles of life together, and the thought that he might die before I do fills me with dread.  All the fantasy men in the world couldn’t replace my very own, live and kicking, formerly red-haired leprechaun.  It took me 37 years to find him, and I’m not about to replace him with so-called “perfection”.

The good life is not about getting exactly what you want; it’s about growing your soul. 

The only way I know to develop my soul is through feelings.   Awe at natural phenomena (the star-lit heavens, a centuries-old redwood, the gorgeous flowers of the Mandevilla vine at my gate) stretches it, making me yearn and aspire.  Human relationships bruise, batter and comfort it, teaching me resilience and humility.  Love makes my soul blossom and glow, compassion causes it to blur at the edges, and so I learn to accept others as they are.

We survive through natural and unnatural disasters that take our loved ones and possessions, through the insults and aches of aging, and through fads and fancies that are often unhealthy.  From each event, we learn, we stretch, we recover, we process the emotional aftermath, and we move on.  These life events are the soul’s workout, and though we may groan and complain, we can feel the growth eventually. 

Thank you, Charles, for growing your own soul, and for sharing that evolution with us.

Finding the Work You Love Without Losing Your Love

In his Finding the Work you Love blog, Sam Greengard, author of the book  by the same name, says:

"As I've mentioned before, changing careers isn't a solitary endeavor. It can affect family, friends, and others within a professional and social circle. Navigating these changes can prove daunting. If you're thinking about recareering, here are some insights from my friend and writing colleague, Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., (aka "Dr. Romance"). She's a psychotherapist and author of The Commuter Marriage: Keep Your  Relationship Close While You're Far Apart (Adams Media 2008). Check out her comments on how you can better find the work you love without your love life going haywire:"

Sam Greengard: What are the biggest relationship challenges for those looking to change careers?

Tina Tessina: Changes in careers often involve other changes that affect relationships and family.  For example, the marriage or the whole family might have to tighten their belts if the major breadwinner decides to go back to school, and that person's time will be more limited to spend with partner and/or children.  Or, a change in career might involve a major change in lifestyle.  For example, perhaps you're a computer programmer, and you've always yearned to be an organic farmer.  A change of that magnitude involves living in a new location, and a .... read more

Widowed Twice? / Be Irresistible

Dr. Romance's friend and colleague, Lisa Iannucci, who writes the very helpful Young Widows and Widowers blog asked:   "My mom was widowed twice. First, as a young widow when I was six years old. She remarried when I was 13 to a man 18 years her senior. We lost him in 2001. I spoke to another widow recently who was widowed twice. Once younger and once again more recently. The common reaction is to say, "why me???" Losing one spouse is hard enough, but two?"  Read Dr. Romance's answer here: www.youngwidowsandwidowersblog.blogspot.com

How to Be Irresistible to Your Mate
In her wonderful "Lessons From a Recovering Doormat" blog, Daylle Deanna Schwartz writes:
"I'm delighted to have Tina Tessina, Ph.D. back as my guest and offers my tips on "How to Be Irresistible to your Mate." 

Chinese Edition of Money, Sex and Kids

Dr. Romance is pleased to announce that Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage has been published in Chinese.

Getting the Man You Love Into Therapy

Dr. Romance thought you'd enjoy this article by Dr. Nathan:

Let's say your husband drinks more, laughs less and has lost interest in hobbies and sports. On edge and irritable, he yells at you and the kids. Or maybe your boyfriend constantly checks up on you and his jealousy frightens you. He needs professional help. What can you do?

The Marlboro Man In Therapy?

Your husband or boyfriend may not be the Marlboro man or come from Mars, but he may believe that therapy is for wusses. After all, men are taught to be tough, self-reliant and never ask for help. This may explain why only one of three outpatient visits to therapists are made by men.

So what's a loving woman to do? There are no easy answers or one liners you can use. But as a psychologist who has limited his practice to men for the last ten years, I have learned how many women succeed and I think I can guess why others fail.

Ultimatums and Other Strategies

Some men call me in response to an ultimatum: "You get six sessions of therapy or I'm getting a divorce." Other women have made appointments with marriage counselors that their husbands canceled in favor of a lesser evil. Maybe you've tried these approaches. Are you starting to feel that you can lead a horse to water, but you'd better be ready to drown him?

There are probably fifty ways to lead your lover into therapy. You know your man best. Think about what has worked most successfully in the past when you wanted him to do something he didn't want to do. How do you influence him?

Watch Your Language

You may be comfortable with the terms "therapy," "psychotherapy," and "personal growth," but most men aren't. Going for "a consultation," "counseling" or "coaching" to "get back on track," "find a way to control anger" or "learn some new skills" often work well.

Plant the seed and nurture it. This is not a sprint; it's more like a marathon. Even when physicians refer a man to me, it takes an average of about three months before I get a call.

You Are Not Alone

Many men have come to me on referral from their primary care physician. Internists, family doctors and even urologists are now trained to assess emotional disorders and to make referrals to therapists.

So when other approaches fail and the problem is a serious one, I recommend that a woman encourage her man to see his doctor or make the medical appointment for him and then share her concerns with the physician before the visit. What about confidentiality? It's not a problem because she is not asking for confidential information, only offering her observations.

Choosing a Therapist

Psychotherapy with men is becoming a recognizable field in terms of practice. Most therapists are becoming more sensitive to the needs of men, but you may want to find or help your man find a therapist who specializes in men.

Search on line and/or ask if the therapist has a gender preference and what percentage of his or her patients are men. Also find out if the therapist has a private entrance and night or weekend hours. Many men anchor their self-esteem in their work and it is difficult for them to explain a weekly doctor's appointment to their boss or co-workers.

Find a Bridge to Therapy

Sometimes anonymous, self-help groups or materials for solo use are more acceptable to a man. In addition, these approaches can often serve as a bridge to therapy.

Books can be intimidating for some, require too much concentration for others, and are frustratingly slow for still others. In addition, the overwhelming majority of self-help materials are purchased by women, so the editing and marketing reflect the needs of women.

Over the past decade, working exclusively with men, I developed an audio self-help program called The FAST Technique for Stress Relief. To listen to a free six minute sample, please visit www.relaxfastforfree.com.

If your man is depressed but likes to read, the best book for depression I know is Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns, M.D.

The Power of Prayer

Not everyone is religious, but for those who are, I would say this: Whether the current goal is getting your man into therapy or self-help, prayer is often helpful. The biblical definition of love (1 Corinthians 13:4) starts with "Love is patient, love is kind..." To be loving on route to these kinds of goals, you need to take good care of yourself and you may need the strength that comes from prayer or spiritual practice.

Please share your ideas!  Thanks.

[Dr. Romance adds: my article "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help. ]

About the author:
 Ronald G. Nathan, Ph.D. is a practicing psychologist and award-winning, former Professor at Albany Medical College. Dr. Nathan co-authored Stress Management: A Comprehensive Guide to Wellness which was both a Book-of-the-Month Club and a Prevention Book Club selection. Dr. Nathan's work has been featured in Men's Health, Cosmopolitan, and Men's Journal. Earlier this year, Dr. Nathan's new relaxation program, The FAST Technique for Stress Relief was published (visit www.relaxfastforfree.com for a free six-minute sample). Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., Expert for Redbook Magazine wrote, "Thoroughly relaxing. My husband especially liked the background seaside sounds and plans to use it regularly. I'll definitely be recommending it to my clients."

 

 

How to Train Yourself to be Happy

Dr. Romance's invited colleague and friend Debbie Mandel, host of the radio show "Turn On Your Inner Light" and author of several books,  to guest post: 

Yes, by now we have all sighed, “Life isn’t fair;” at those annoyingly cheerful people in our midst lucky enough to be hardwired for happiness genetically. No matter what problems land on their doorstep, they resiliently return to their happiness set point to flow with life’s currents. How wonderful that today’s research community has allocated some of its resources and attention on happiness instead of depression, documenting the observations, reflections and attributes of happy people. The joyously surprising news is that even if you are born to be sad, you can imitate the characteristics of happy people to change your nature. This is a huge emancipation from the leg iron of depression.

What do happy people do? Basically, they are conscientious people working and achieving. They set goals and accomplish them. This is the big secret to happiness: Working towards a goal, achieving it and then moving on to the next goal like a series of small victories.

Many unhappy people commit self-sabotage by setting unrealistic goals or giving up way too soon. Patience is not a quality many of us cultivate. Focused on instant mastery, we get discouraged, labeling ourselves as failures with the “I can’t do it mindset,” or assuming the victim mentality that other people either stand in our way or will never give us a break. No wonder we get depressed and defeated quickly. We stop trying. If we don’t try, we can’t fail and feel disappointed. Ironically, not trying makes us even more depressed and feeling unfulfilled.

Feeling happier entails returning to basic principles, what your grandmother always told you. You reap what you sow. Here are the seeds which will change your nature and allow happiness to take root within you:

• Set small, manageable goals. Achieve and go on to the next. No matter your age, keep advancing your achievements.
• Celebrate each small victory. A shiny kitchen, a clean drawer, getting over a cold, losing two pounds, exercising for 10 minutes, or supervising your children’s homework. Don’t minimize the success, qualify it or dilute the effect.
• Connect with others to network and support your goals with cheer leading and accountability.
• If you are not successful, find out why. Get a reality check from friends, colleagues or professionals. Update your skills. Keep growing and achieving.

Now you can understand why exercise is a major component of stress-management and happiness because it is about meeting physical challenges and achieving mastery over your muscles. People who exercise always set goals and accomplish. For example, weight lifters can quantify their goals and runners can set distance or speed goals. You don’t have to be a professional weight lifter or a marathon runner. You can set a goal of walking for fifteen minutes every day. Instead of verbalizing your goals which invites making excuses, when you exercise, you just do it. This is why exercise is a great way to train your brain to be conscientious for ultimate happiness. While you are training your brain through exercise, you are filling a happiness reservoir. Animate your body and you will begin to feel that you have some control over your genetic predisposition. Let your legs carry you to your next happiness!

---

Debbie Mandel, MA is the author of Changing Habits: The Caregivers' Total Workout and Turn On Your Inner Light: Fitness for Body, Mind and Soul, a stress-reduction specialist, motivational speaker, a personal trainer and mind/body lecturer. She is the host of the weekly Turn On Your Inner Light Show on WGBB AM1240 in New York City , produces a weekly wellness newsletter, and has been featured on radio/ TV and print media. To learn more visit: www.turnonyourinnerlight.com

Review of Money, Sex and Kids from Parent talk Today

This was posted on Parent Talk Today:

March 13, 2008

Money, Sex & Kids

It has been a hoot carrying around a copy of the new book Money, Sex and Kids (Adams Media; $14.95) by Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. for the past week or so. If I'm reading it in the orthodontist's waiting room, for instance, people take a look at the cover and you just know they're wondering, "Hmm. I wonder what her problem is: money, sex or kids?"

Actually, reading the book is a good way to help head off potential problems with all three. For instance, Tessina offers down-to-earth tips on how to resolve fights constructively — and lovingly (it’s possible!).

She's is a psychotherapist in private practice and she isn’t afraid to tackle these three biggies in most marriages. Her tips for understanding each other better during an argument make a lot of sense:

°    Seek first to understand.
°    Pay attention to how your words are landing.
°    Focus on the solution.
°    Separate emotion from solution.
°    Don’t beat dead horses.
°    Be nice.

Come to think of it, doing those things in marriage seems like pretty good preventive medicine, too.

It has been a hoot carrying around a copy of the new book Money, Sex and Kids (Adams Media; $14.95) by Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. for the past week or so. If I'm reading it in the orthodontist's waiting room, for instance, people take a look at the cover and you just know they're wondering, "Hmm. I wonder what her problem is: money, sex or kids?"

Actually, reading the book is a good way to help head off potential problems with all three. For instance, Tessina offers down-to-earth tips on how to resolve fights constructively — and lovingly (it’s possible!).

She's is a psychotherapist in private practice and she isn’t afraid to tackle these three biggies in most marriages. Her tips for understanding each other better during an argument make a lot of sense:

°    Seek first to understand.
°    Pay attention to how your words are landing.
°    Focus on the solution.
°    Separate emotion from solution.
°    Don’t beat dead horses.
°    Be nice.

Come to think of it, doing those things in marriage seems like pretty good preventive medicine, too.

Money, Sex & Kids

It has been a hoot carrying around a copy of the new book Money, Sex and Kids (Adams Media; $14.95) by Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. for the past week or so. If I'm reading it in the orthodontist's waiting room, for instance, people take a look at the cover and you just know they're wondering, "Hmm. I wonder what her problem is: money, sex or kids?"

Actually, reading the book is a good way to help head off potential problems with all three. For instance, Tessina offers down-to-earth tips on how to resolve fights constructively — and lovingly (it’s possible!).

She's is a psychotherapist in private practice and she isn’t afraid to tackle these three biggies in most marriages. Her tips for understanding each other better during an argument make a lot of sense:

°    Seek first to understand.
°    Pay attention to how your words are landing.
°    Focus on the solution.
°    Separate emotion from solution.
°    Don’t beat dead horses.
°    Be nice.

Come to think of it, doing those things in marriage seems like pretty good preventive medicine, too.