Dr. Romance Blog

Dr. Romance on the loss of a Hero

Dr. Romance writes: On December 12, the world lost Rev. Denton Roberts, the person who taught me everything I know about therapy, and just happened to save my life while doing it.  If I have been able to help people, it is because Denton taught me how to be an effective therapist and healer.  In his honor, I'm going to quote some of his work:

        On Autonomy:

Autonomy can be described as the power we possess, used or unused, to direct our energy to create our individual lives.  The question of whether we will to take advantage of it, cleam it as our own, is the most persistent and recurring issue we face. Claiming this power is both a difficult and rewarding task. Autonomy is also the freedom to make of our lives what we will, to spend our energy in any manner. Will we choose to use our limited time building nourishing structures, responsive and respectful socieities and creative environments, or will we use our limited time to move in the direction of self and societal destruction? 

When our sense of autonomy is stimulated, our natural movement is toward creative solutions.  Autonomy is stimulated by the recognition of our ability, and through contact with caring, nourishing people... When our sense of autonomy is unrecognized and unstimulated, we feel hopeless and lose our capacities for self-direction. Autonomy is the knowledge that we are the owners of our lives. We are not owned by parents, bosses, government, church, neighbors, spouses, children or cars. The attendant fact of this self-possession is that we are not, sometimes much to our dismay, victims of people and institutions. No longer being a victim means we determine our lives and what to do with them. Our ability to respond to life is both and asset and a challenge.  Without the indulgent feeling of being victimized by the world or circumstances, we take possession of life.

The knowledge of our autonomy produces joy, once the befuddling veils of victimization are lifted.  We are able to address circumstances directly and deal with them -- change them, use them, overcome and transform them -- when our autonomy provides the bedrock of our lives. 

 

One of my favorite of Denton's writings, which I use with my clients all the time, is

 
My Technique for Staying on My Side 

I carry a picture of myself as a child in my wallet. It is one of those "School Days, 1941-42" pictures of a little boy I know more intimately than any other person in my life. Everywhere I go, he goes, and everywhere I've been, he's been. He's always wanted people to understand him, care for him and cherish him. He's never wanted people to mistreat him. Many times he hasn't known what to do, or precisely what would satisfy him. Many times he's bubbled with enthusiasm, been consumed by curiosity, petrified with fear, overwhelmed with grief, filled with rage, warmed with love. This boy that I know most intimately has been through a wide range of human experiences. He wants someone to understand, appreciate and care about him at all times.I carry his picture to remind me of his need and his sensitivity. I'm the one who knows him best. I'm with him at all times, and I'm the one he is most free to rely on. He depends on me to treat him well. Unless I pay attention to his feelings, unless I nurture and support him, he is in serious trouble. When I care for him properly, he will get his needs met. When his needs are met, he lives in a state of health, experiencing the world in a relaxed manner.On the other hand, this boy whose picture I carry will become more and more desperate if I don't pay attention to his needs, wants and feelings. He will feel stress if I ignore or mistreat him over a period of time. He will resort to desperate acts for relief. Just as people who are cut off from contact with others take desperate action to meet their need for human contact, so the boy in me will become desperate if I constantly ignore his needs. Just as this boy was dependent on parents to pay attention to his feelings and to treat them properly when he was young, so too my feelings as an adult send messages requiring attention from me. My sense of health and well-being is determined by how I respond to those messages. My choice of being on my side or on my case is critical to my sense of well-being. Since I relate to me every moment and in every situation of life, it is imperative that I recognize how I am relating to myself, and that I be on my side. Further, and equally important, is the recognition that how I relate to myself determines what I am willing to give and receive from others. In other words, I will not let in from others that which I am not giving myself, and I am not adept at giving others what I am not giving myself. The way I relate to me prepares me internally to give and receive. Until I have an appreciation of myself I will not fully receive another's appreciation.

Denton was a cowboy from Missouri, pretty tough, but he understood gentleness:

Gentleness

Through the years, I've witnessed much unnecessary human suffering because people have learned new methods of personal and social change and used these new and effective methods in a self-critical manner. I want to caution against such abuses.For example, often when people learn that parenting deficits contribute directly to the problems they encounterin adult life, they use the information to blame their parents for their adversity. They feel anger and even rage toward their parents, thereby heightening their sense of alienation and separation. This alienation is usually greatest from parents, the very people who helped establish the basic ego strength necessary to recognize problems in the first place...What my years as a therapist have brought home to me is that even the best methods of understanding can be, and frequently are, used in a detrimental, hurtful way against one's self or others. This has taught me that it's of critical importance to decide to use new information/or me and not against me.Gentleness is one of the most powerful components in the learning process and the first and most important ingredient of change is learning to be gentle.

By gentleness I do not mean syrupy sweetness or con- descending one-upmanship. I mean sensitive acceptance of ourselves. With sensitive acceptance, creative options for dealing effectively with our situations will eventually occur to us. Gentleness is the lubricant of learning. We like to be touched, talked to, and engaged gently. When gentleness is the rule rather than the exception in life, we have a wondrous sense of well-being, value, purpose and a general enthusiasm and zest for living. This is true of  both psychological and physiological functioning. When gentleness is indeed the rule rather than the exception we maintain a deep appreciation of life and experience.

His insight into psychotherapy was powerful:

In psychotherapy, confronting individuals with the right question is an art...
Defensive energy (feeling and acting defensively) is protective and reactive. Creative energy is pro-active and venturing. Criticism is an inefficient toolfor change — it feels lousy and anyway, it doesn't work. This being the case, I decided to look for positive, creative processes to facilitate change.In general, those who come to therapy have usually had any number of people tell them what they really "should" do, with plenty of discussion about everything they are doing "wrong" thrown in for good measure. They are usually in pain and arrive with detailed lists of what is wrong with them. They almost always come after having been on their case; they feel miserable, victimized and are without hope They report having tried to make changes and may even have experienced initial success, but find they are unable to sustain those changes, Finally, they come for psychotherapy to unscramble the past and discover how that past impinges on the present.While the people coming for therapy do indeed have circumstances and events in their past that need to be unscrambled, the circumstances and events need to be seen as symptoms rather than causes. The cause of their esteem problems is the accustomed practice of self-criticism — being on their case. The process of psychotherapy tracks symptoms to cause. Once the cause is established, people begin the work necessary to restore their systems to healthy functioning.  

       (Excerpted from Able & Equal: A Gentle Path to Peace by Denton Roberts, Frances Thronson) 

Godspeed, Denton. If anyone deserves to go to Glory, it's you.

 

Dr. Romance's Friends: A Visit to Alameda

Dr. Romance had the pleasure of visiting friends Isadora Alman and Morton Chalfy recently, and Mort subsequently wrote such a lovely blog in Alameda Patch about friendship, that I requested to reprint it here:

Mort wrote:

We’re having a visit from friends this week and, as usual, it’s a very rich and rewarding experience. Not that we do much or that what we do is special in any way, but doing it together and sharing it makes it special. Last night we sat around the dinner table sort of grazing on home-made mushroom soup, six kinds of cheese, a loaf of olive bread, various dishes of raw veggies and a bottle of Beaujolais Nouvelle.

This group doesn’t actually need the wine to loosen our tongues but it does help the general hilarity. At our ages a part of the discussion is always focused on ailments and death; who has what and who is dead or dying. It’s never the most cheerful part of the talk but neither is it the most depressing. Death and dying, illness and doctors are natural parts of life and cannot be ignored but because they are natural and universal railing against them is futile. Instead, what comes through the discussion is the feeling that we’re all committed to helping each other through the hardest parts.

We had been to San Francisco earlier, eaten at an iconic Dim Sum restaurant, strolled through the Ferry building where we bought the ingredients of dinner and generally observed the current scene. San Francisco is alive with youth and beauty and political ferment and we were able to sip this heady brew and appreciate still being a part of the living scene.

What is it about being with friends that makes it so positive a feeling, I wondered last night. One thing is the comfort of being relaxed around each other. One’s guard is not up, one’s remarks are not censored, and one’s voice is respectfully listened to. Time runs out on us all eventually and the value of the different parts of life begin to emerge from the shadows of ignorance and inexperience.

Friends, always near the top of the list, are seen as more and more valuable as we go along. Life is difficult and people are the chief difficulty. Friends are that safe, serene, sunny clearing in the deep, dark woods that give us the courage and strength to carry on. A visit from friends heartens and sustains in ways that can’t be duplicated. After all, relatives are decreed, friends are mutually chosen. Long live friendship.

Dr. Romance agrees -- long live friendship! For more on the topic, read "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" And for more from Morton Chalfy, see his Amazon Page and his Alameda, CA Patch Blog

Dr. Romance has a Santa sighting

Dr. Romance's encounter with Santa:

 We were having lunch with our step-granddaughter, Natalie, 2 1/2
and her grandmother last week at Heritage Family Pantry in Lakewood, when a rather rotund gentleman with a flowing white beard, sweatshirt and jeans walked by our window and came into the cafe.  Natalie's grandmother said he was Santa Claus, and at first, Natalie ducked her head and said "I scared."   After a few minutes, though, she was craning her neck to see where he was sitting, at the other side of the cafe.  She said she wanted to "see Santa,"  so I picked her up out of her high chair and took her over to where he and his wife were eating.  I smiled and said, "Excuse me, but Natalie (who had gone shy again) would like to know if you're Santa Clause.  He smiled gravely and said "One of his helpers."   This distinction was lost on Natalie, but when he smiled at her and asked "Have you been a good little girl?" her eyes grew large.  She was tongue-tied (not her usual mode) so I answered "She's been very good" and he said "Then, I'm sure Santa will bring you a lot of toys for Christmas." 

I said a heartfelt thank you to him for being so open and kind, and wished them a Merry Christmas.  As I started to turn away, Natalie came out of her trance and waved and said "Bye, Santa," and the gracious gentleman waved back. 

When we got back to our table, Natalie was excited, and asked to see Santa again. Her grandmother told her we needed to leave him alone so he could eat his lunch, and she was OK with that.  As we were getting ready to leave, the gentleman and his wife walked out the door, and Natalie raced to the door, with me close behind.  I opened the door for her, and picked her up so "Santa" who was in a giant SUV, could see her and she and I waved.  "Santa" very kindly rolled down his window waved and shouted "Merry Christmas"  Natalie called back "Merry Christmas, Santa" 

 

Happy Holidays to all. May you have a miracle of your own this season.

 

 

Dr. Romance: I dreamed a dream.....

A Dr. Romance dream come true:

Anyone who knows me knows how much Richard and I love to travel, specifically cruising.  We are blessed enough at this stage of life to be able to do it often. 

Part of traveling, for me, is buying the T-Shirt, especially embroidered T-Shirts that become the repositories for the memories of the trip.  The T-Shirts are my daily uniform, and for a number of years I have been saving the old ones that no longer fit, were stained or otherwise no longer wearable.  One T-Shirt, from visiting Vietnam on our world cruise, said "Saigon" in lovely but delicate embroidery, and I put it aside because the colorful, flowery needlework was fragile.  I love handmade needlework, and have a number of pillows  
made of molas, the indigenous South/Central  American (Columbia, Panama and Costa Rica all claim to have invented it) layered quilt pieces.On the wall outside my counseling office is a gorgeous piece of quilted wall art by Cynthia Morgan, entitled "A Kind Word"

Thus began my dream of having a quilt made of my hoarded T-Shirts, a chronicle-in-cloth of the world travels that have been so amazing for Richard and me.  Friends who quilted said, "T-Shirts are difficult to work with"  and others quoted outrageous amounts of money to do the project.  Then, one day, out-of-the-blue (as these things happen) my friend and colleague, Kathy Sena, who writes the "Parent Talk Today" blog, wrote about a (wait for it) quilt she ordered made of her son's baby clothes by Campus Quilt Company. 

Was I excited?  You know it.  I went immediately to the Campus Quilt Company website,  read the simple instructions, and signed up.  It was not exactly cheap, but really a great price for a made-to-order king size bedspread.  In a few days, my "quilt kit" arrived.  Uh-oh.  Thetask of arranging 49 T-Shirts in the right order seemed overwhelming.  Campus Quilt actually makes it easy, providing adhesive-backed numbered squares to put on the shirts, but it was daunting anyway.  So, I did what I always do when overwhelmed -- I called a friend. In this case, my "sister of the heart" Maggie Bialack,
who's been my closest friend since 1968.  We made a date, she came over, we had a wonderful time arranging the T-shirts, sent them in the package provided, and went to lunch.  6 suspense-filled weeks later, a huge box arrived. It looked heavy, but was surprisingly lightweight. 

I actually managed to wait until Richard came home to open my prize.  When it unfolded from its box, he said "Wow!"  I was speechless. It's gorgeous.  I smile every time I walk into the bedroom, and we dream lovely dreams under it at night. 

Thank you, Kathy, Maggie, Campus Quilt Company, and every wonderful destination on our travels.

 

Dr. Romance's Friends: Counseling helps blogger's marriage

Dr. Romance's fellow blogger, the delightful Melanie Waldman of Travels with two, writes:

 

Back in the late ‘90s, my then-boyfriend and I were in our late 20s and had been living together for about four years. I’d just recently realized that we were in a negative pattern, and had begun to wonder about the shape of our future.  

The gist of our struggle was financial.  We’d moved in together after a short, helpful talk about the division of chores, but had never discussed how we’d handle our joint finances. He made a lot more than I, but we nonetheless split our rent and utilities fifty-fifty.  I did our grocery shopping and errands, always using my own money; I would then have to ask him to pay me back, something he didn’t always do right away.  

I was patient at first — I mean, I knew where to find him — but after my bank account dipped into fee-incurring zones a few times, I became more insistent about being reimbursed.  It took me a year or so to admit to my feelings of resentment.  

I asked if we could open a joint account so I didn’t have to shake him down for money like a bookie with a chronic gambler.  But I wasn’t surprised when he said no: on some of our dates, I’d experienced him step up to a movie theatre box office and pay for only his own ticket.  

I was beginning to see that sharing money was a very difficult concept for him.  Here was a wonderful, warm and funny man, always generous with his time and emotional energy, but despite his making a decent salary, he wasn’t generous with cash.

As the child of a psychologist and a social worker, I knew a red flag when I saw one.  I knew this pattern wasn’t just going to disappear without laying it out on a table for examination.  I asked my boyfriend, who I hoped to one day marry, to accompany me to therapy.  I found us not one therapist, but two — a married couple who specialized in relationships.

We started seeing them once a week.  Right away, they helped my boyfriend recognize his own selfish behavior, and I soon saw that I’d allowed my lack of self-confidence to keep me from taking charge of my own financial situation. I hadn’t been aware that, rather than using more direct means, I often relied on sarcasm to relay my fear and anger.  

Meanwhile, our therapists helped my boyfriend see that his relationship with money -- formed in reaction to his dad’s, mom’s and stepdad’s financial woes -- could change; he agreed to a joint bank account, and we were both relieved.

But that was just the start.  Thanks to feedback from our therapists, we were discovering that we didn’t have a clear, shared picture of what comprised a good marriage.  His parents had been pretty dramatically divorced since he was an infant, and my own parents, though long married, frequently argued and complained about each other.  Over the next eight months, we began to build a model for ourselves based on clear communication, with both listening and mirroring. 

When we got engaged and turned our attention from therapy to a wedding, we made what felt like a natural choice – we asked our therapists, ordained as Universal Life Church ministers, to perform our wedding ceremony.  These two lovely people, who themselves had struggled with love on the way to finding each other, had given us the tools to create a better life for ourselves; 10 years in, we still feel there was and is no couple better qualified to bless our union.

 ______________________________________________________________________________
Melanie Waldman is a happily married travel writer living in Los Angeles.  Her popular blog, Travels With Two, inspires busy couples to step away from their work, get the heck out of dodge, and pursue romance, relaxation and a broader understanding of the world...together.

Travels With Two: http://www.travelswithtwo.com/
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Travels-With-Two/182256201387
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TravelsWithTwo

 

Dr. Romance adds: For couples having similar problems, I recommend Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage

 

Dr. Romance and Charles J. Orlando weigh in on masculinity

This week, I was asked the following question by a journalist, and thought I'd invited Charles J. Orlando, author of The Problem with Women is...Men to dialogue about it.
 
Journalist:  Does it make a man less masculine if he’s too in touch with his feminine side, and if it does, what does it say about him and his personality? Does too nice make him border line gay, or clueless about what women really want? I’d like to know your opinion on this subject.

Dr. Romance  I think a man who is kind and caring is a strong man.  Is that his feminine side? Why? Why don't men have a kind and caring masculine side?  The only thing that I'd call "too nice" is if he lets himself get walked on by people, and we call that co-dependency, not feminine.
 
If women really want obnoxious jerks, then women are wrong.  Women with self-esteem want men with character, kindness and honesty.  Healthy women want men who can commit, who can be equal partners in life.  It seems to me that kind men are ideal for that.  Let's get rid of the stupid posturing some men do.  It's nothing but fear and self-loathing disguised as bravado.

Charles J. Orlando: "Less masculine"? The question seems to quietly imply that men have one side, whereas the truth is much simpler:  That men and women both exhibit masculine and feminine traits. Men who connect with women on "sisterly grounds" are merely channeling their feminine side, not sacrificing their masculinity. "Clueless"? On the contrary, if men would really listen more (and not just hear), I think relationships might be in a completely different place today.

In The Problem With Women is.... Men, I said “If men could break out of their caveman mentality and see the perception women have of them—it would be blindingly obvious to them why divorce rates are up, why kids’ grades are down, and why the women they claim to love are taking enough anti-depressants to put even Keith Richards into a drunken stupor.”

My embracing my feminine side doesn't equate to "gay" or homosexuality. Forgive me if I'm snarky (is "snarky" a "woman's term"??), but I was under the impression that gay or homosexual meant that someone is attracted romantically to someone of the same gender. I fail to see how listening and connecting with women emasculates a man.

Other goings-on in Dr. Romance's neighborhood:

Dr. Romance on : "Who's your (New) Daddy?" Stepparenting at sheknows.com

Dr. Romance on "The Vampire Attraction" Sheknows.com

American Way Magazine:"Distance Makes the Heart Grow..." by Jenna Schnuer

St.Louis Obispo Tribune: "Lessons to be Learned from High Profile Affairs" 

The Friendship Dr. asks about when friendships become something else

Psychologist Irene S. Levine, Known on the web as "The Friendship Doctor" had some questions for Dr. Romance about when friendship becomes something else:

"It's not unusual for platonic relationships to turn into something different or something more.  Whenever this happens, regardless of gender, it can lead to misunderstandings if both people aren't on the same page.  When two female friends are involved, the potential awkwardness is compounded exponentially because the experience is less common and less talked about.

I was pleased when my colleague Tina B. Tessina, PhD, ...agreed to share some practical advice for women who find themselves involved in such a situation... Tina is author of Gay Relationships for Men and Women:  How to Find Them, How to Improve Them, How to Make Them Last"

Read the whole interview ...

Psychology Today: Dr. Romance interviewed by The Friendship Doctor "More than a friend?"

Huffington Post: The Friendship Dr. interviews Dr. Romance "When a friend wants more than friendship"

Asking for what you want

In her Dating Like a Grownup blog, Relationship Coach Bobbi Palmer was kind enough to recommend a Dr. Romance article:

An Excerpt:  The “How” in asking is sooooo critical. I was reminded of that when, after reading the article, one of my clients said “but my ex-husband always accused me of  being demanding when I asked for something!”   Yep, good point.  The “How” to ask is significant in this equation.

This fantastic article by Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D is a must-read on this subject.  She gives such thoughtful coaching on how important it is to be clear on what you want, and to ask for it.  Then she tells you how to do so in a way that achieves your result - which should be getting what you want and letting your man happily do something to please you.  Dr. Tessina she says this about asking versus demanding: “You can tell the difference because when you are asking, you can handle getting a no answer.”  Yes!  She also gives examples of how to ask a man, versus a woman. 

Be sure to read Dr. Tessina’s article  Asking for What you Want. If you’re expecting your man to figure out what you want, you’ll probably be disappointed and feel rejected.  And there’s no reason for this. Helping him know how to please you in a kind and non-threatening way will make your relationship or marriage better.  Now go! Read the article  Asking for What you Want.  

A Joyful Day!

I had such a wonderful birthday party on Sunday, I just had to share it with you. I invited my favorite lady friends to share tea with me at the Vintage Tea Leaf, which is owned and operated by my dear friend Miss Beverly , Tea Mistress extraordinaire. 

Sevn of my favorite, powerful women friends were there:

Maggie, my friend for 40 years, as of 2008, who is my "sister of the heart" and who runs The Business Women, a bookkeeping service we ran together back in the 70's, when I was putting myself through school to get licensed, and which she has made all her own since I moved on to private practice in 1978.

Sylvia, who has just retired from an illustrious career as a court officer and MSW, advocating for children and families, and my dear friend since 1984.

Robin, who has her own business negotiating on behalf of City Workers unions.

Marlene, retired from administrating a magnet school in Cerritos, and now traveling the world and visiting her far-flung grandchildren.

Barbara, author of Pen on Fire:A busy Woman's Guide to Igniting the Fire Within, renowned writing teacher, journalist and editor of The ASJA Monthly, a magazine for professional journalists from the  American Society of Journalists and Authors, and host of KUCI's Writers on Writing radio show.

Candice, renowned artist in Neon

and the piece-de-resistance, Sheri, accomplished hypnotherapist, teacher at LBCC, roller derby doll, and blogger, who took pictures and wrote a fabulous birthday blog:

http://sherizampelli.com/blog/2009/01/tea-time-with-tina-tessina/

Join the party via her pictures and fun comments. 

I returned home from this fabulous shindig to a house full of cards and flowers, from my husband and my dear friend, the renowned Isadora, of Ask Isadora fame.

I am so honored and proud to call all of these powerful and playful women my friends.  The birthday wish I'm telling (the other one's a secret) is to wish that every women would celebrate herself and her friends, and realize that every passing year is an opportunity to store up treasures in her heart.

The problem with women is men?

Charles Orlando, a very smart married guy, has written a book called The Problem With Women.... is Men: the evolution of a man's man to a man of higher consciousness

He describes himself as "desperately in love with his wife, son and daughter" in short, a dedicated family man.  In the introduction, he states clearly that he's not a relationship expert, but has learned from his own life, in which "Truth be told, I do come from the shadier side of romantic relationships...Over time, I finally realized that, yes... I had chosen the path to sex... not to love, trust sharing and intimacy.   Men -- in all their remote-clicking, control-hoarding, unkempt-hair wearing glory -- need to rise from their passive-aggressive/mixed message sending ashes, and answer the call of the woman in their lives... a call for understanding, listening, support, happiness... and equality"  How refreshing is that? 

"To add insult to injury," Orlando writes "my newfound views had led some people (including long-time friends) to wonder what my "label" was"  His friends thought he must be gay.  "I mean, since when does actively listening to your wife and being dedicated to her success and happiness equate to homosexuality?" 

 

Reading this made me laugh out loud, and reminded Dr. Romance of the saying "all the good men are married -- or gay" often expressed by women.  So, Charles and I are having a dialog on our respective blogs.  You can read his side of the interchange here:  http://www.theproblemismen.com/tpwwim-home/2009/1/12/all-good-men-are-married-or-gay-uh-no.html  

I don't think all the trouble is with men (I'll bet Charles doesn't either.)    To be successful at marriage, couples need to train each other.  Women don't take good care of themselves, and they often live in a fantasy world, hoping for Prince Charming instead of teaching the guy they've got how to be a good partner without nagging and complaining.  I think everybody needs to grow up a bit to have a successful relationship.  I heard recently that some research shows that 10% of couples maintain their emotional connection for life.  The report made it sound like a given, as if it were genetic; but I think it's all in the attitude and skills.  My husband, Richard, and I could be very lucky to be in that 10% (27 years and counting,)  but I believe it's because we both learned from previous marriages, we had good grounding as kids, and we want to be good to each other.  So we have grown up together in many ways.  We have learned to be patient and kind with each other, to respect each other’s point of view.  We have also learned the incredibly useful skill of not participating in the other’s bad moods, or cranky moments. 

Every day, I have the delight and privilege of loving a real, human, fallible man.  We’re now senior citizens, he’s losing hair, I’ve gained weight.  But, after 27 years, we have fused our hearts and souls, if not our personalities.  He clearly loves me, though I often frustrate him, and I am grateful for his presence in my life on a daily basis.  Our sex life is lovely, thank you, even if it doesn’t match cyber-fantasies.  We laugh together, we share the struggles of life together, and the thought that he might die before I do fills me with dread.  All the fantasy men in the world couldn’t replace my very own, live and kicking, formerly red-haired leprechaun.  It took me 37 years to find him, and I’m not about to replace him with so-called “perfection”.

The good life is not about getting exactly what you want; it’s about growing your soul. 

The only way I know to develop my soul is through feelings.   Awe at natural phenomena (the star-lit heavens, a centuries-old redwood, the gorgeous flowers of the Mandevilla vine at my gate) stretches it, making me yearn and aspire.  Human relationships bruise, batter and comfort it, teaching me resilience and humility.  Love makes my soul blossom and glow, compassion causes it to blur at the edges, and so I learn to accept others as they are.

We survive through natural and unnatural disasters that take our loved ones and possessions, through the insults and aches of aging, and through fads and fancies that are often unhealthy.  From each event, we learn, we stretch, we recover, we process the emotional aftermath, and we move on.  These life events are the soul’s workout, and though we may groan and complain, we can feel the growth eventually. 

Thank you, Charles, for growing your own soul, and for sharing that evolution with us.