Dr. Romance Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: How do I flirt to grab a guy's attention?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'd like to learn something flirty and funny that will grab a guys attention!?
 I am going bowling with my crush and a group of friends (I never talk to my crush so this is huge!) and I am trying to think of some cute flirty things to say! Any suggestions? Examples please :) -Like lets say I make a mistake and get a gutterball or fall or something what is something flirty and cute I can say? - Or lets say he is pretty good at bowling- whats a good cute comment?! Stuff like that :) 

Dear Reader:

Guys like to feel competent, so congratulationg him on his bowling skill is great. Don't try too hard to be flirty and funny -- you could easily come off silly. Instead, make eye contact, respond to what he's saying or doing, and ask him for help with your bowling. You don't need to create a false personality to attract him. You want him attracted to you, as you are. Just look good (but not slutty) and be alert to whatever he's saying and doing.  "Turn on Your Charm" has more detailed flirting tips. The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again has the specific conversations you're looking for, plus a lot more tips and exercises to help you get over your self-consciousness.

 

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: What is wrong with me?

Dear Dr. Romance:

What is wrong with me? Angry, sad, blah? It's 5 am and i'm still awake. i'm 29, single (i don't mind), i go to school, an ok job, pets. i'm not starving, as long at there's a roof over my head i'm good to go. so many things i really want to do. i get into it then i don't feel like it and do nothing. i sometimes feel a little bit of despair or sadness or anger not too often but enough. then i go back to being 'ok' and all gong-ho about the future. gosh i have so much to write and it never comes out right. i'm comfy in my body so it's not a weight issue. i don;t feel like praying or doing homework. i want so many things. i've mentioned a little bit to a family member and it was embarrassing. i don't want their answers either. i don't know why, i just don't. stranger still is deep down inside the answer or remedy scares me. i don't want an answer. i feel embarrassed just typing all of this. look at that i don't even want to capitalize my words. what the hell is wrong with me? i can't be depressed, i don't feel i have anything to be depressed about. this is silly. anyone else feel like this? is this normal? 

Dear Reader: 

It sounds like you're fighting yourself, and resisting having a relationship with yourself. The inner you wants to tell you some things about who you are and what you want, and you don't want to hear it. Try listening. Maybe there's some painful or embarrassing stuff in there, but if you hear it, and sort it out, you'll get a lot of rewards. You'll find a life path, a purpose, and you'll figure out how to be really happy. Ignoring yourself won't work. Please read "Winning the War Within", which will help you sort it out.   There are many other articles at  http://www.tinatessina.com/monthly_column.html which will help you understand yourself and create a better life.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction contains a lot of information, exercises, and help to get your life on track.

 

Dear Dr. Romance: How do I make sure he's not looking for a visa green card marriage?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I met a cute guy that's a foreigner in the USA from Russia so....... How do I make sure he's not looking for a visa green card marriage?

Dear Reader:

Whether or not he wants a green card isn't the real question. The real question is, does he have good character, and does he love you, and do you love him? Take your time to get to know him, and find out what makes him tick. Does he have a job here? How is he making a living? Make sure he has no other attachments. Get to know his friends, and let your friends meet him -- you'll learn a lot through other people's eyes. Don't listen to his words, pay attention to his actions. Don't get ahead of the relationship. "Stupid Cupid" will help you figure out whether you two are ready to be serious.  The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again

Dear Dr. Romance: Why do I not care that my girlfriend broke up with me?

Dear Dr. Romance:

This girl wasn't really my girlfriend but we pretty much were dating. I was thinking of asking her out in a few days. We talked today and she said she would rather be friends. I thought I should be mad or sad but the weird thing is I don't really care. Why? Is this normal? Is there something wrong with me? Please help! Thanks

Dear Reader:

It sounds like you two just weren't that great a match, and you didn't have a chance to bond. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. You could learn something about yourself if you took a little time to think about what you liked and didn't like about this girl. Why were you attracted to her? What do you think made her turn you down? It might help you make a choice in the future. "You Be the Judge" will help you use your own judgment to decide whether someone is a good bet for a relationship or not. The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again gives you guidelines and information on how to make connections and keep them going.

Dear Dr. Romance: I really wish I could go back in time and fix this.

Dear Dr. Romance, 

I have read some of your articles and am very impressed. I am about to write about something that will probably be one of the most bizarre cases you have ever heard.  About 12 years ago, I felt a strong attraction towards a girl who was in my high school. We both were in our junior year.  It was instantaneous.  I think she felt the exact same way towards me.

Due to everyday friction with my father, I was extremely bitter and angry during that time and there was no way for me to release my feelings. I was very tense about my studies and wanted to make sure that I get in my desired college.  I was also very shy back then.

Therefore, I was extremely frustrated most of the time at school and I completely ignored her.  I was too fearful and did not have the courage to approach her and let her know how much I was attracted to her. I could not even return any of her smiles.  I was very hateful and barely smiled at anyone. She took it very personally.   I was able to get the admission at my desired college which relieved me.  

About a month before the end of high school, I decided to approach after the school and ask her if she can spare some time to talk with me at the local library. It was completely out of the blue and she was visibly surprised. 

She asked me the reason and I told her that I want to talk to her about something important. 
She angrily walked away saying she is busy.  We went to the same college, however we had different majors and the college was very big.  Weran into each other about 4 or 5 times during the four years of college.  I was really hoping she would come to me and ask what it is that I wanted to say after school that day. She never did.

 Since we were in the same college, we could also have emailed each other.  It sadly didn't 
happen. Because of my good looks, I was seemingly able to attract many girls in college; I am 
not sure if that played a role in me not approaching her. When I graduated, I had to move to a different state after college for my job.  

I've thought about her off and on ever since and wondered what I should do.  I found out through facebook recently that she had gotten married.  All the feelings I had for her came rushing back and I began to vividly recall her every facial expression back in high school.  I compare most of the girls I meet to her, and I just can't get her out of my head. So I am wondering if there is anyway that I can get over this?

I always seem to want to know if she  ever thinks about me or feels anything for me anymore. I don't know why I feel this way about her after so many years. We nevertalked to each other (except for that very brief conversation after school).  I have no doubt in my mind that she was intensely attracted to me and was very interested in me during high school.  Since she is married now, I am not sure if it a good idea to tell her my feelings about her. It will remove a huge load off my chest, but I am not sure if it means anything.   

I really wish I could go back in time and fix this. 

Dear Reader:

No, it's not the most bizarre thing I ever heard, by a long shot.  It sounds like you were a very self-involved young man, narcissistic and anxious about succeeding at college. So, yes, it was mostly your fault.  She may very well have been interested back then, but few women will put up with such rejection and not lose their positive feelings.  Now you are left with the "love that never was" which can be a very potent fantasy.  Since you made most of it up in fantasy, based on a few ambiguous clues, you never had to deal with her as a real, human, and therefore probably disappointing person.  Part of the difference between romance and real love is going through that period where we break through our romantic fog and begin to see the other person as they really are, and we ourselves are revealed to be a fallible human, also.  

You never got past the fantasy stage with her, so she seems more wonderful than any real-life 
woman. I think you need to mourn the loss of this impossible dream, so you can move on to a real-life relationship.  Try using the exercise "How to Write a Love Letter" at my website, which will 
help you release your feelings and move on. Then read the article "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" which will help you understand your grief.  When you've done that, there are many morearticles about finding a relationship that will work.  The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again will help you move forward.

Dear Dr. Romance: Why doesn't he want me?

Dear Dr.Romance:

I'm a housewife in my mid-thirties, married for 7 years,  In our marital life i have never been satisfied, because our sexual never lasts more than 15 min. It makes me unhappy. I have spoken to him regarding this matter but he didn't take it seriously. I feel that he is avoiding me. In a year we have only been together for 2 times and only for 15 min. He is working permanent night shift  and always claims he is tired. Sometimes i really feel that I need him very much but only get dissapointed.  In the last two years, even though we are under same roof and sharing the same bed, there has been no sex. How can i handle this situation?  I'm really confused and badly need a partner to share my feelings and emotions. The thing is he doesn't even have any affair outside; so why doesn't he want me?

Dear Reader:
Sex drive is quite complicated, so it's not easy for me to tell you what is wrong from your brief note.  It's possible your husband's sex drive is not very strong, but it's more likely that he's not very educated about sex, or interested in it.  It's possible he is having sex with men, or another woman.  Complaining about it will not work -- it will just push him further away.  What you need is a session with a therapist,  Go by yourself if your husband won't go.  You will get good information,  and your husband will understand that the problem is serious.  So, make an appointment, and invite him to go, but if he won't, go by yourself. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a suitable therapist.

Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three things That Can Ruin Your Marriage will guide you through conversations about sex with your husband.

 

Dear Dr. Romance: He spends more time with his friends than me

Dear Dr. Romance:

My boyfriend spends more time with his friends than me by a long shot.?  My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months now and he all of a sudden started spending way more time with them than me. I've tried talking to him about it and he said "i need two days per week when i don't have to speak to or hang out with you". it's really frustrating because our schedules only work where we have a few days together and i feel like he's taking that time away from me. I know he cares about me, but i forget sometimes. It's hard to remind myself that he loves me when he's ditched me for them. I feel so unimportant and neglected and he just doesn't seem to care. What should i do? 

Dr. Romance replies. What you DON'T want to do is whine or nag, because that just pushes him away. It's important for you to have other options than your boyfriend. In fact, if you want to get him to want more time with you, start going out on your own with friends, or to find new friends. Take a class, get involved in an activity. If you're not available at times when he wants to see you, you'll find that he begins to make more time for you. You've made it way too easy for him, and he doesn't value you as much as his friends. Also, read  "Asking for What You Want" to get more ideas about how to communicate effectively. 

Dr. Romance's 3 ways to ruin your relationship:
1. Pick the wrong partner for the wrong reasons:  No matter how charming your partner is, if he or she's a player, an out-of-control spender, a con artist, an alcoholic/addict or violent, no amount of love on your part will fix him or her one bit.  Don't try. The minute you find out there's a Fatal Flaw, end it. Find a less charming, but more upstanding, healthy person to love.   

2. Nag/scold/bitch/whine/yell when things don't meet your expectations.  You have to take care of yourself, and find a way to solve problems and motivate your partner to work with you.  Partnership is the name of the game, not "I want you to take care of me, and I'll throw a temper tantrum if you don't."  You'll get a lot more of what you want if you ask directly and simply, and motivate with affection, humor and fun. 

3. Do it all yourself.  Lots of people try to fill in all the gaps by doing whatever their partner isn't doing -- all alone.  If he can't keep a job, getting successful on your own could be a good thing for you, but it won't save the relationship.  If he won't help around the house, or with the kids, doing it all yourself (plus your job) won't save the relationship either.  If she won't be responsible about money or discipline, doing it all yourself will work for a while, but you'll wind up being seen as the bad guy.  Very early in the relationship, give your partner the room to do his share.  If nothing is forthcoming, ask directly (don't just whine or hint) for what you want.  If your mate doesn't step up, and  won't discuss what would help, then you're probably the only one in the relationship, and it's not going to work. 

For more help, read The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again

 

Dear Dr. Romance; I'm lonely and hate it!!

Dear Dr. Romance:

Almost all of my friends have boyfriends, (we're 22, turning 23) and i don't. i never have. i feel really alone during the wk bc all my friends are with their boyfriends. i basically work, take class, and that's it. i either need a boyfriend, or more friends, bc i'm lonely and hate it!! :( 

Dear Reader:

At times in life, old friends go through changes, and it's time to make new ones.   If you haven't made new friends in a while, updating your definition of friendship and increasing your skills at meeting people will be worth your while. 

First, consider what being a friend means to you. Who are your best friends? What qualities dothey have? Once you have a clear idea of the kinds of friendships you would enjoy, you can decide to create more of them in your life. This can be done in two ways: 
* Make changes in your current relationships: Ask your friends to participate in activities you enjoy, and spend more time with the friends whose style of friendship best complements your own. 
* Create new friendships --Reach out to coworkers, your neighbors or church members and invite them to accompany you in a favorite activity or for coffee. Or you may want to join a discussion group or take a class in painting, yoga, cooking or whatever you're interested in. If you spend time with people who have similar interests, you will soon create new friends.
 
If you find that you don't have enough friends, here are some guidelines for making new ones. Of course, you can tailor these suggestions to your personal tastes. 

1. Get a life. If you want to meet people with whom you have something in common, do things on a regular basis that involve others. Activities can range from taking classes, joining hobby clubs, volunteering, playing a sport or game, hiking, or any pursuit that meets regularly. The people you meet will share your interest, and you'll have something to talk about and enjoy together. 

2. Find interesting, fun people. Being involved in an ongoing activity, and meeting with the same people on a regular basis gives you a chance to get to know them before you decide to pursue a more personal relationship. When you find someone you think is particularly pleasant, spend a little time talking with him or her during or after your activity. Ask questions about the project you are working on, or share experiences and advice. If you both enjoy the conversation, you can offer to meet before or after the session for coffee. From there, you can begin to do more things together, until you've established a pattern of friendship. 

3. Don't overlook people you know. While you're making new friends, don't forget the people you already know. Is there a favorite family member you'd like to see more often? Call him or her and suggest going for a walk, or to lunch. Are there acquaintances at work, at church,in your neighborhood, involved in your school, or elsewhere with whom you could develop a friendship? Consider reaching out to them. Let these people know that you'd like to share events and activities. 

Spending quality time with friends is beneficial to your emotional, mental and physical health. If you follow the above steps, you'll find that it isn't as difficult as you think to make friends. "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends"  will help you create new people in your life.  "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will help you find a partner.  The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again contains guidelines and steps that will help you find the companionship you seek.

 

Dear Dr. Romance: Do I surprise her with a gift?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I know I feel strongly about a certain someone. Do I surprise her with a gift or e-mail her with my recent feelings through a tough time?

Dear Reader:

It sounds like you're way ahead of yourself and her. I think a gift would be completely out of line at this point. If she's responded well, have you had a date yet? Asked her out for coffee? You're right to be scared about overdoing it. You can't force a relationship by declaring your love. Save that for after you've dated for a while.  Take it one step at a time. If you haven't asked her out, just ask her. If you've been dating for a while, ask her how she feels about commitment and relationships.  "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  will help you be successful with this woman or another.  The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again  can help you with these questions.

 

 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I need something to break the ice!

Dear Dr. Romance:

What to say in this situation?  Ok so theres this girl in my art class that i really want to talk to and get to know! Problem is she sits at a different table then me and i just plain dont know what to say to her! I'm a senior and she's a sophomore! What should I say to her to show her I'm interested in her? I haven't talked to her yet so I need something to break the ice! 

Dear Reader: 

To break the ice, break something! Break a colored pencil, or a crayon or something, and then go ask her if you can borrow hers. Or, just say something nice about her artwork. Caution: Don't say anything at all about her body -- women don't take that as a compliment. Aside from physical characteristics, what interests you most about her? Have you heard something she said that intrigues you? Go ask her about it! If you focus on what's interesting about her (other than her body) you'll have a lot to talk about. Ask her how she's handling the current class assignment, or ask her for some help with something. It's not so hard, if you just follow what's interesting. "Turn On Your Charm" gives guidelines you can follow to succeed with her.  The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again will give you step-by-step instructions for flirting and starting conversations that will lead to a relationship.