Dr. Romance Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: He's simply taking advantage of my affections for him

Dear Dr. Romance:

I don't want to be here anymore. Be here on this earth that is, be here in this ole' body of mine.  Perhaps you can help. I think I'm simply looking for some inspiration. Also, when I think about no longer being "alive"... I am comforted. This feeling of calm comes over me. That's not a good sign, is it? I'm over fifty years old.   I would have to admit I am sad and perhaps frustrated, and yes, maybe a little angry. I'm sure there are people out there who do love me, however, they seldom show it. I've even "tested" my relationships and broken off all contact with loved ones just to see how long it would take them to make an effort to get in touch with me. The results were sobering to say the least, I'll never do that again. 

Regretfully, for over a year I've been involved with a married man. I try not to judge myself because he is by far the most astonishlingly passionate connection I've ever had with a man.  I know it's not a relationship.  But I feel that deep, soul burrowing kind of love for him, so very familiar, so comfortable... but I'm certain the feeling is not reciprocated. He's simply taking advantage of my affections for him. I know I need to stop, but I can't seem to find the strength or the will.  Sometimes I think fate brought this man into my life at just the right time, so that I wouldn't go into some deep, dark depression and actually do something to hurt myself. So I hold my breath as he leaves, literally putting my life on hold, until the next time I'm able to see him. As the book says,"I'm thrown scraps of his affection cloaked in shame."  *sigh*

The frightening part is, I don't believe this will ever happen for me again. This just doesn't happen twice in one's lifetime. So, I have a loveless life to look forward to. I am unemployed and have no purpose in life; and I live like a refugee because it's cold where I live and I have to walk around the house in my winter coat, hat and gloves; and not being able to afford food, I thinkthatnow would be a good time to die. 

Dear Reader:

All this drama only means you're sad and angry, but turning it against yourself, which is probably an old habit.  Dying doesn't fix anything, and suicide is a very nasty thing to do to yourself and the people who love you. Instead, you could work on how you handle your feelings, and learn how to take care of yourself and create happiness for you.  Your life is far from over, and you could make it really worth living.  

No wonder you're angry about this relationship.  I've been there myself --thinking the love of my life is gone, and there'll never be another. Then I found out what real, mutual love is like, and I've been happily married for many years.  That can happen for you, too.  The first step to happiness is to get yourself out of the doldrums and get moving, physically, mentally, financially and emotionally.  You've put your life on hold for this guy, who definitely isn't worth it.  If you do insist on having whatever you can have with him, you need a different approach.  Being miserable isn't the way to tempt him. Instead, let him know you're moving on, and he'll let you know how interested he is in keeping you.

If you can't find work, then get out and volunteer -- you'll be in a warmer setting, probably be able to get some meals, and be around people.  People will care for you in direct relationship to how you care for yourself.  So, begin there. You can't control this guy, but you have total control over your relationship with yourself.   "Where is Love?"  will help you redifine what love is, and "Your Bestest Friend: You" will help you learn to make yourself happy.  "Four Steps to Success" is a simple plan to help you learn how to set goals and achieve them.  

Your attitude toward yourself often comes from a childhood environment.  It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction can help you change the negative self-talk that is holding you back.

 

 I wish you love and happiness, and the courage to go for it.  I know you can.

Dear Dr. Romance: I was tired of being his 'booty call'

Dear Dr. Romance:

  I'm at a loss as to what to do. I'm married to a man that I sleep in the same bed (our daughterco-sleeps with us) with but other than that not much else. We are in our thirties, and we've been married about two years but have been living togetherfor longer.  In the beginning it was great, even after we got married we spent most of our time together. I got pregnant and we lost our first little girl when I was 8 months pregnant, and a couple months later I got pregnant with our little girl who's now two. Since I got pregnant the second time he's really distanced me. When he comes home from work he goes directly to his computer and plays games until we eat dinner,then he goes straight back to the games. On the weekend he goes out to play sports every Saturday while I watch our daughter and on Sundays he's usually working as well. The only things we do together are shopping and dinner, and he usually watches a movie while we eat. 

I just feel so lonely. It wouldn't be so bad but we live in the country he was born in, and I don't speak the language.  He doesn't have a problem but the only people that I know are single men that usually spend their free time drinking or looking for girls. So I go to work and then come home everyday, and the only people I really talk to are students. I get so frustrated that most days I can't even stand looking at him because I've tried to tell him how I feel but he just doesn't understand or seem to care. I've told him I wanted a divorce but he ignores it- mostly because he knows I can't do it without his help. We stopped having sex more than a year ago because I was tired of being his 'booty call'- he wouldn't talk to me all day but in the night, he'd come rubbing up on me like a dog in heat expecting to get a warm reception. I want to keep our family together because I grew up without a father and I don't want that for my daughter; but I don't want her think that a woman has to be miserable to keep a man. 

I've suggested counseling but he says it would be in his language, and I wouldn't understand it. I've suggested him reading books, but he can't be bothered, and I've even suggested that we start having weekly 'dates' all to no avail. I just don't know where I can start repairing our marriage- or how to come to grips that it's over. I don't want to have to return to the US during the recession when I have a very good job here. 

Dear Reader,

I'm sorry to hear that you lost your daughter.  Your husband may be having either a cultural problem or an emotional problem. He   may be acting just the way his parents did, or what most people do in his family and experience.  Or, this could be the way he handles his feelings about the lost baby, and he may be jealous of the time you spend with the new baby.  Do you know how he feels about having a daughter, and not a son?  When you cut him off from sex, you may have blocked the only way he knew to connect.  It's very important for you to find some girlfriends you can ask.  You need information.  If you want to change him, whining, complaining and anger won't work.  You need to get strong, and friends can support you in feeling stronger.  Also, your daughter sleeping in your bed may be in the way of you two talking effectively, since it's the only time you spend together.  It's important for you to re-think everything.   You are in a very precarious situation, because you don't speak the language, and it doesn't sound like you have family or real friends there.  Can you come back to the USA without his help?  The American Embassy could help you, negotiate the language difficulties. You say your job is very good, but is it worth spending your life in such isolation?  If you got serious about taking care of yourself, and he thought you would leave, his behavior might change.  But, he has to see you take action, not just complain.  If you were not home one day when he got there, because you took the baby and went out with friends, he might start to pay attention.  You need to stop living in a bubble, learn the language, and begin taking care of yourself.  There must be someone there who does therapy in English.  Because you said the only people you see are students, I assume you're a teacher.  Look for some other teachers who speak English, and who would help you learn Chinese.  This would also be a great way to make some personal contact, and develop some friends.  You are trying to get your husband to be your support system, and he thinks he can get away with neglecting and ignoring you because he thinks you're helpless.  Show him you're not.  Get yourself the help you need, then you'll have some power to get him to listen to you.  You might still have a chance to save this marriage.  "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" and "Your Primary Relationship" will give you some of the tools and perspective you need,  and Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship  will help you understand how to communicate effectively with your husband.  I wish you a happy, successful future.

 

Dr. Romance's Christmas Wish for You

When we:

Lift our heads from the worries and the do lists

and focus on the possible

Lift our eyes from the struggles and the sorrows

and focus on the future

Lift our minds from the noise and the jabber

and focus on the silence

We lift our dreams to a higher level

And Hope will lift our hearts.

(c) Tina B. Tessina, 2011

 

Happy Holidays

and a very Happy New Year from Dr. Romance

 

Dr. Romance on The Courage to Hope

We’ve heard a lot about hope recently, but one thing was not said. Hope is scary. Anyone who dares to hope runs the risk of disappointment and feelings of failure. With the overwhelming focus on success in our culture, the threat of failure and disappointment is blown out of proportion. In my counseling practice, I see a lot of people who are afraid to follow their dreams without a guarantee.

 

Holiday Wishes 2011

When we:

Lift our heads from the worries and the do lists

and focus on the possible.

Lift our eyes from the struggles and the sorrows

and focus on the future.

Lift our minds from the noise and the jabber

and focus on the silence

We lift our dreams to a higher level

And Hope will lift our hearts.

(C) Tina B. Tessina, 2011

"I will lift mine eyes unto the hills, whence cometh my help" -psalm 121

 

Dr. Romance on the loss of a Hero

Dr. Romance writes: On December 12, the world lost Rev. Denton Roberts, the person who taught me everything I know about therapy, and just happened to save my life while doing it.  If I have been able to help people, it is because Denton taught me how to be an effective therapist and healer.  In his honor, I'm going to quote some of his work:

        On Autonomy:

Autonomy can be described as the power we possess, used or unused, to direct our energy to create our individual lives.  The question of whether we will to take advantage of it, cleam it as our own, is the most persistent and recurring issue we face. Claiming this power is both a difficult and rewarding task. Autonomy is also the freedom to make of our lives what we will, to spend our energy in any manner. Will we choose to use our limited time building nourishing structures, responsive and respectful socieities and creative environments, or will we use our limited time to move in the direction of self and societal destruction? 

When our sense of autonomy is stimulated, our natural movement is toward creative solutions.  Autonomy is stimulated by the recognition of our ability, and through contact with caring, nourishing people... When our sense of autonomy is unrecognized and unstimulated, we feel hopeless and lose our capacities for self-direction. Autonomy is the knowledge that we are the owners of our lives. We are not owned by parents, bosses, government, church, neighbors, spouses, children or cars. The attendant fact of this self-possession is that we are not, sometimes much to our dismay, victims of people and institutions. No longer being a victim means we determine our lives and what to do with them. Our ability to respond to life is both and asset and a challenge.  Without the indulgent feeling of being victimized by the world or circumstances, we take possession of life.

The knowledge of our autonomy produces joy, once the befuddling veils of victimization are lifted.  We are able to address circumstances directly and deal with them -- change them, use them, overcome and transform them -- when our autonomy provides the bedrock of our lives. 

 

One of my favorite of Denton's writings, which I use with my clients all the time, is

 
My Technique for Staying on My Side 

I carry a picture of myself as a child in my wallet. It is one of those "School Days, 1941-42" pictures of a little boy I know more intimately than any other person in my life. Everywhere I go, he goes, and everywhere I've been, he's been. He's always wanted people to understand him, care for him and cherish him. He's never wanted people to mistreat him. Many times he hasn't known what to do, or precisely what would satisfy him. Many times he's bubbled with enthusiasm, been consumed by curiosity, petrified with fear, overwhelmed with grief, filled with rage, warmed with love. This boy that I know most intimately has been through a wide range of human experiences. He wants someone to understand, appreciate and care about him at all times.I carry his picture to remind me of his need and his sensitivity. I'm the one who knows him best. I'm with him at all times, and I'm the one he is most free to rely on. He depends on me to treat him well. Unless I pay attention to his feelings, unless I nurture and support him, he is in serious trouble. When I care for him properly, he will get his needs met. When his needs are met, he lives in a state of health, experiencing the world in a relaxed manner.On the other hand, this boy whose picture I carry will become more and more desperate if I don't pay attention to his needs, wants and feelings. He will feel stress if I ignore or mistreat him over a period of time. He will resort to desperate acts for relief. Just as people who are cut off from contact with others take desperate action to meet their need for human contact, so the boy in me will become desperate if I constantly ignore his needs. Just as this boy was dependent on parents to pay attention to his feelings and to treat them properly when he was young, so too my feelings as an adult send messages requiring attention from me. My sense of health and well-being is determined by how I respond to those messages. My choice of being on my side or on my case is critical to my sense of well-being. Since I relate to me every moment and in every situation of life, it is imperative that I recognize how I am relating to myself, and that I be on my side. Further, and equally important, is the recognition that how I relate to myself determines what I am willing to give and receive from others. In other words, I will not let in from others that which I am not giving myself, and I am not adept at giving others what I am not giving myself. The way I relate to me prepares me internally to give and receive. Until I have an appreciation of myself I will not fully receive another's appreciation.

Denton was a cowboy from Missouri, pretty tough, but he understood gentleness:

Gentleness

Through the years, I've witnessed much unnecessary human suffering because people have learned new methods of personal and social change and used these new and effective methods in a self-critical manner. I want to caution against such abuses.For example, often when people learn that parenting deficits contribute directly to the problems they encounterin adult life, they use the information to blame their parents for their adversity. They feel anger and even rage toward their parents, thereby heightening their sense of alienation and separation. This alienation is usually greatest from parents, the very people who helped establish the basic ego strength necessary to recognize problems in the first place...What my years as a therapist have brought home to me is that even the best methods of understanding can be, and frequently are, used in a detrimental, hurtful way against one's self or others. This has taught me that it's of critical importance to decide to use new information/or me and not against me.Gentleness is one of the most powerful components in the learning process and the first and most important ingredient of change is learning to be gentle.

By gentleness I do not mean syrupy sweetness or con- descending one-upmanship. I mean sensitive acceptance of ourselves. With sensitive acceptance, creative options for dealing effectively with our situations will eventually occur to us. Gentleness is the lubricant of learning. We like to be touched, talked to, and engaged gently. When gentleness is the rule rather than the exception in life, we have a wondrous sense of well-being, value, purpose and a general enthusiasm and zest for living. This is true of  both psychological and physiological functioning. When gentleness is indeed the rule rather than the exception we maintain a deep appreciation of life and experience.

His insight into psychotherapy was powerful:

In psychotherapy, confronting individuals with the right question is an art...
Defensive energy (feeling and acting defensively) is protective and reactive. Creative energy is pro-active and venturing. Criticism is an inefficient toolfor change — it feels lousy and anyway, it doesn't work. This being the case, I decided to look for positive, creative processes to facilitate change.In general, those who come to therapy have usually had any number of people tell them what they really "should" do, with plenty of discussion about everything they are doing "wrong" thrown in for good measure. They are usually in pain and arrive with detailed lists of what is wrong with them. They almost always come after having been on their case; they feel miserable, victimized and are without hope They report having tried to make changes and may even have experienced initial success, but find they are unable to sustain those changes, Finally, they come for psychotherapy to unscramble the past and discover how that past impinges on the present.While the people coming for therapy do indeed have circumstances and events in their past that need to be unscrambled, the circumstances and events need to be seen as symptoms rather than causes. The cause of their esteem problems is the accustomed practice of self-criticism — being on their case. The process of psychotherapy tracks symptoms to cause. Once the cause is established, people begin the work necessary to restore their systems to healthy functioning.  

       (Excerpted from Able & Equal: A Gentle Path to Peace by Denton Roberts, Frances Thronson) 

Godspeed, Denton. If anyone deserves to go to Glory, it's you.

 

Dr. Romance's Friends: A Visit to Alameda

Dr. Romance had the pleasure of visiting friends Isadora Alman and Morton Chalfy recently, and Mort subsequently wrote such a lovely blog in Alameda Patch about friendship, that I requested to reprint it here:

Mort wrote:

We’re having a visit from friends this week and, as usual, it’s a very rich and rewarding experience. Not that we do much or that what we do is special in any way, but doing it together and sharing it makes it special. Last night we sat around the dinner table sort of grazing on home-made mushroom soup, six kinds of cheese, a loaf of olive bread, various dishes of raw veggies and a bottle of Beaujolais Nouvelle.

This group doesn’t actually need the wine to loosen our tongues but it does help the general hilarity. At our ages a part of the discussion is always focused on ailments and death; who has what and who is dead or dying. It’s never the most cheerful part of the talk but neither is it the most depressing. Death and dying, illness and doctors are natural parts of life and cannot be ignored but because they are natural and universal railing against them is futile. Instead, what comes through the discussion is the feeling that we’re all committed to helping each other through the hardest parts.

We had been to San Francisco earlier, eaten at an iconic Dim Sum restaurant, strolled through the Ferry building where we bought the ingredients of dinner and generally observed the current scene. San Francisco is alive with youth and beauty and political ferment and we were able to sip this heady brew and appreciate still being a part of the living scene.

What is it about being with friends that makes it so positive a feeling, I wondered last night. One thing is the comfort of being relaxed around each other. One’s guard is not up, one’s remarks are not censored, and one’s voice is respectfully listened to. Time runs out on us all eventually and the value of the different parts of life begin to emerge from the shadows of ignorance and inexperience.

Friends, always near the top of the list, are seen as more and more valuable as we go along. Life is difficult and people are the chief difficulty. Friends are that safe, serene, sunny clearing in the deep, dark woods that give us the courage and strength to carry on. A visit from friends heartens and sustains in ways that can’t be duplicated. After all, relatives are decreed, friends are mutually chosen. Long live friendship.

Dr. Romance agrees -- long live friendship! For more on the topic, read "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" And for more from Morton Chalfy, see his Amazon Page and his Alameda, CA Patch Blog

Peace Begins at Home

Dr. Romance writes: This is often called the Season of Peace, as in "Peace on Earth; Good Will to Men" Yet there is so much unrest in the world today: we are still in at least two wars, terrorism seems to be endemic worldwide, and domestic violence and hatred still dominate the news. Today's world needs more people living peace.

 While it's easy to talk about, living peace isn't so easy to do.  It requires learning to wage peace in our own lives.  "We teach best what we most need to learn," writes Richard Bach in Illusions.  That's because we are subconsciously focused on what gives us trouble; and motivated to learn about it.  For example, if lack of peace (anxiety, rage, addiction or relationship hassles) is a problem, your life will constantly face you with the need to learn to be more calm.  Anyone who does not meet your expectations can trigger agitation of one sort or another, and internal agitation evokes a negative reaction. 

 In my counseling office, I'm constantly reminded of how hard it seems to be for most people to sustain peacefulness (what the twelve-step (AA) programs call Aserenity.)  We are all easily bumped off- center.  I also see how powerful it is to maintain a peaceful (or serene) emotional climate in the middle of an upsetting circumstance.  The calmest person is also the most clear-thinking, and therefore can control what's happening.  People in high-pressure situations, such as medical and military personnel, police, firefighters, and rescue workers are trained in maintaining a calm demeanor. It makes them more effective.  

Internal peace is the key to keeping all relationships on track.  In my life, I've found that keeping my inner balance not only prevents me from making things worse in bad situations, it also influences others to be calmer. 

Every day I am reminded of the importance of inner peace, a peaceful relationship with myself, and keeping peace in my private universe.  Without this inner serenity, I am not very powerful to create peace in my surrounding environment.  I find that whenever I'm agitated, especially when the turmoil seems to be caused by an event or another person, the effective solution begins with establishing peace within myself.  Here is the idea I use to help myself and my clients do that: 

I have my own sphere of influence, my own private "universe" which I can picture as a invisible, protective membrane surrounding me; rather like the invisible glass box mimes often create around themselves.   All other people and events are outside this boundary, but visible and accessible through it.  I can "send messages" in the form of words and deeds, subtle body movements and facial expressions, through the boundary, and other people can send theirs in to me.  I have little control over what people choose to send toward me, and total control over what I choose to send out.  However, I do have control over how I receive what other people choose to send me.

For example, if my husband, Richard sends out some crabbiness, I have very little control over what he says or does.  Perhaps he's annoyed about something that happened in his business, or concerned about someone he cares about, and he feels safe letting his frustration out around me. There is little to be gained from trying to read his mind, or change his attitude.  However, if I remember that I am the Highest Power in my own sphere, I have many options. 

*I can choose to believe that his crabbiness is something I deserve, and feel hurt.
*I can choose to believe that he sent it because he's a bad person, and shut down my love for him. 
*I can choose to believe that he sent it because of a separate event in his private world, and check         to see what's happening with him, and if I can help.
*I can choose to care for myself, and put some distance between us, until things calm down.
*I can just react without thinking, and not make any choices at all. 

Through experience, I soon learn which options give me the results I want.  Once I know that, I can choose to repeat successful options at will.  Richard has, and often uses, the same options. 

The operative word here is choice.  As long as I know my response to stimulus is a choice, I can create peace.  Once I decide that the atmosphere I most want in my own world is one of peace, then I create the power to insure that. 

The question I need to answer is: "What is peace to me?"  It is easy, given our social environment, to think that creating peace with others means waging war with myself.  For example, I can believe that, to create peace with Richard, I need to deny my own wants and feelings.  That sets up an internal fight, which inevitably surfaces externally.  Sooner or later I will get angry enough at the (self-imposed) limits to want to get even with him.  Or, I will further increase my stress to keep the Apeace@ and begin to create illness.  

Experience has taught me that the only peace that can be safely sustained is peace that begins at home B within the boundaries of my own inner self.  Once I have created peace within myself by listening to all sides of the internal struggle, and acknowledging my right to feel all those ways at once, and finding a solution that calms me down,  I know what I need to do with the situation that upset me.  Then, I'm secure enough to begin to negotiate with who- or whatever my struggle was about.  Peace with the other person may take a little effort  to achieve, especially if I have a point of view of my own, but it will be lasting, and begins to build the trust necessary to a compatible relationship.  

Paradoxically, this is often the easiest way to work toward peace in some ways, and the most difficult in other ways.  It's easy because it requires nothing beyond myself; only mental/emotional work.  Difficult because there are many ingrained attitudes, prejudices, and assumptions I must challenge and overcome on the way to internal peace. 

The path to peace, inner and outer, is not a direct line with specific steps.  It is full of trial and error, wrong turns and delightful discoveries.  Sometimes talking with myself is all I need, sometimes it helps to talk it out with a friend, or even a therapist.  Sometimes the words of a great teacher help.  I like "My religion is simple. My religion is kindness" -- Dalai Lama.  Or "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."  -- Psalm 23.   Usually my heart knows, better than my head, where the peaceful path lies.

I have chosen to follow a path of peace, internally and externally.  This choice shapes all of my subsequent choices, and commits me to a process of self-awareness.  To the best of my ability, I make my choices, and check the results with my mind and my heart.  I get it wrong often, but I also get it right enough times to make my life much more peaceful; and I am happy, more often that not.  When something makes me unhappy, I can find the path to peace more quickly than I used to.  

I hope you find this useful on your own path. 

(c) 2011 Tina B.Tessina adapted from: The 10 Smartest Decisions A Woman Can Make Before 40 

 

Dear Dr. Romance: I want some peaceful and happy years of my life

 Dear Dr. Romance:

I was brought up with eight children Where father was gone from home early morning till late night. Mother all the time angry at one kid or the other. Everybody use to say I was the better behaved sibling among all, and my mom was always partial to other children in comparison to me. Anyway I am a grandmother now . After marriage and having kids I started devloping emotional problem where I needed to seek psychiatric  help. I was dignosed as bipolar.I was in and out of Hospital and taking treatment for long period of time. In this illness I use to become suspicious and paranoid. My husband kept pushing me and kept me doing my responsibility. 

The last time I became suspicious and paranoid and I knew that I had become sick. I told my husband. The doctor increased my dose . I don't know what helped. I came out of it. This time I realised that I can recognise my illness. So I can reverse it. When I looked back It was always about fights about my in-laws and i would start with complaints and it would end up in suspicousness and paranoia. 

I have to live with my mother in law and take some care for some time  of the year. Now I am afraid how to prevent this situatation from reoccuring. I do have anger problems.   I want some some peaceful and happy years of my life. My husband is O.K.  I am afraid I will fall for that pattern againl I don't how to resolve this problem.

Dear Reader:
I would be happy to help you.  I think you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from yourchildhood, which is manifesting as Bipolar disorder.  With good therapy, you can heal your old wounds and learn how to live a more balanced life. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you to find a good therapist in addition to your psychiatrist.   It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction has exercises and information that can help you get back to the roots of your issues.    "Anger: Cleansing Squall or Hurricane"  will help you understand and control your anger.   

Thankful in Dr. Romance's Neighborhood

Dr. Romance is grateful for all the activity in November

Interviews:

Radio "La Bella Vita"
Articles:

"Adult Orphans Adapt Holiday Traditions" Wall Street Journal

"What Would a Marriage Counselor Say about Celebrity Relationships?" Shape Magazine

"Dear Gracie: Ten Ways to Beat Writer's Block" ProfNet.com

"Divorce: Can You Save Your Marriage?" SpinNiche.com/Always New You

"How To Keep Your Social Life Alive In A Long-Distance Relationship" Jezebel.com

"10 Bad Habits That Could Ruin Your Marriage" PeaceFM online

"Digital Deception" the Kansan

Columns:
"Dear Dr. Romance: I'm sick of waiting and feeling I'm not good enough" SelfGrowth.com

"Dear Dr. Romance: I’m a Victim of Emotional and Mental Abuse "- DivineCaroline http://bit.ly/t3SMJ2

Dr. Romance on: How to Have Happier Holidays!

Dr. Romance writes:

No matter what you observe:  Kwanzaa, Chanukah, Solstice or Christmas, this is a celebratory time of year.  For some it's a joy, for others a nightmare and pressure to spend too much, eat too much, and socialize in ways you don't like. If your holiday expectations are out of line with what you can really accomplish, you'll be stressed.  

Holidays can be the best of times and the worst of times.  Holiday rituals, thoughtfully done, can be a source of bonding and strength.   

De-Stress the Holiday

To de-stress the holidays, get intentional about them. Happier holidays require three things: 1) lighten up on expectations, 2) ask for help, and 3) understand what other people are thinking. 

To lighten up expectations, understand that this is your real life, not a picture-book experience.  Family or friends may squabble, food may not turn out perfect, and gifts may not go over as well as people hope.  A sense of humor will help lighten up the whole thing.  Think of yourself as a holiday trouble- shooter, rather than a designer of perfect scenarios.  Find out what's really important to yourself, your guests and your family, and pare your celebration down to the important things.  Focus less on spending money or decorating, and more on spending time with those you love.

Ask for help by getting other people engaged in the happenings, and sharing the work.  You'll find that a lot of camaraderie comes out of working together, and a lot of the holiday fun will happen behind the scenes as you work with others to get ready.   Your family and friends will feel more a part of the celebration if they actually create part of it.

Understand what people are thinking by talking of events in advance with your spouse, your children, or other members of your family and friends.  Ask them what they like most, and least, and what they hope will happen.  If you know the "hidden agendas" you'll be less surprised when they show up. 

 How to Let go of small problems

No matter how well you plan, little things can go wrong.  Don’t let them spoil the whole day. Just let them go, using the following steps: 

1: Perspective: Put it in perspective -- will it be important an hour from now -- fifteen minutes from now?  Most little things won't be.  

2. Self-understanding: If someone or something upsets you, don't exacerbate the problem by getting on your own case for reacting.  It’s normal to have emotional reactions, but you don’t have to let them show or act on them. 

3: Rise above: If someone upset you or was rude, give a little prayer of thanks that it wasn't worse, say a blessing for your friend (who probably needs it) and you'll feel better.  

4. Benefit of the doubt:  If someone hurt your feelings, acknowledge that your feelings are hurt, and consider that the other person is probably just clumsy, not intentionally hurtful.  The world is full of emotional klutzes who don't realize the impact of their words and actions, and they create more problems for themselves than for you. 

5. Consider the source:  A relative or neighbor who is truly nasty may repeatedly hurt your feelings.  Consider what must be going on inside that person's head, and be grateful that you're not hearing that.  Even the meanest people are far nastier to themselves than they are to others.  That person is trying to relieve his or her pain by inflicting some on you.  

6: Give an Adult time out:  If someone repeatedly hurts, abuses or disrespects you, the best way to handle it is with an adult time out. 

Adult time out

If someone behaves badly in your presence, giving that adult a "time out" is a powerful and subtle way of fixing the problem.  Simply become very distant and polite around the person who is not treating you well. No personal talk and interaction, no joking, no emotion.  Be very polite, so no one can accuse you of being unpleasant, mean or rude. There is no need to explain what you are doing: the problem person will get the message from your behavior -- which is much more effective. If you've never tried this, you'll be amazed at how effective becoming polite and pleasant but distant can be.  The other person's behavior will immediately become more subdued and even more thoughtful around you.  Eventually, that person may ask you what's wrong, or why you've changed, and at that point (and only at that point) you have an opportunity to tell him/her what the problem behavior is, and why you don't like it. Learning to put obnoxious people in time out right at the beginning of unpleasant behavior can make it unnecessary to use tougher tactics at all.  And if the person's behavior doesn't change, you can leave him or her in "time out" and you'll be protected from the unpleasantness.

7. Detach from difficult family: Learn to treat difficult family members the way you’d treat a member of someone else's family -- with whom you'd not react to obnoxious things, but just politely ignore what they're doing or saying, and maintain a pleasant demeanor.

 Add Meaning

Once you’ve made your holiday easier and less stressful, you have room to add more meaning. 

Encourage family members to talk about what's meaningful to them, or their favorite holiday memories. If your holiday is Christmas, for example: Invite each person at your celebration to choose or bring favorite ornament for the tree, and ask them to tell why it's meaningful to them.  Spend a moment after Christmas dinner asking most senior family member present to share his or her memories of Christmas past.  Gather around the tree and read a favorite inspiring story.  Or, read a few pages of a longer work, like Dickens A Christmas Carol, or O. Henry’s Gift of the Magi aloud every night leading up to Christmas. 

Whatever you are celebrating this time of year, I wish you a season full of love and warmth. 
© 2011 Tina B. Tessina  Adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction