I am a PhD student in Computer Science and Mathematics in Europe. I am interested in your blog which helps to a lot of people to find the best solution in thier life. I have also some problems in my private life. I would be very grateful if you could give me some advice.
I met my girlfriend here in the Master studies program. We have the same language and religion. We started a relationship. She is very clever, educated, looking good and nice. We had a good time together until we graduated. She left and I got a position as a PhD student here. Now, she is working in another country. She is four years older than me. I was her first sexual partner. Finally, we decided to marry, since we loved and respect each other. As appropriate in our culture, first we told our parents. They were also glad of our relation and final decision, but my brothers did not like my choice and they started to complain all the time. They say that I am young, educated, have a good financial position, and I can find some young beautiful girl. For me the age difference was not a problem, I did not even think about it, because my fiancee looks very young and nobody can feel this difference when we are together. Then, my brothers started forcing me via phone and mail. Now, I feel some stange feelings inside me, and it disturbs me all the time. I started to dream bad dreams and bad thoughts that is unusial. I dream of my future: I am old and my fiancee is too older than me, everybody is laughing to me, etc. I never thought that somebody's opinion will influence on my mind. If I listen to my brothers, first I will dissapoint my fiancee, and second who knows, I might not find somebody like her, I never met a girl with good mind and nice like her. But, maybe my brothers are right and I will have a problem in the future.
What should I do, which way is the best way of the solving this problem, will it be any problem of this marriage?
Dr. Romance responds:
I'm afraid your brothers don't sound like nice men to me. I don't know why you're listening to them. If you have had a good relationship with this woman, and have developed a good connection, and even your parents like her, why let your brothers' opinions matter? It sounds like they are jealous. I suggest you tell them to stop saying bad things about your fiancee. Perhaps you could get your parents to help you stop your brothers' bad behavior. It's not easy to find a person with whom you are compatible, and if you and your fiancee love each other, you should value that. Read my article "Coping with Critics" for better ways to deal with your brothers, and "Stupid Cupid" to sort through your real fears about marriage with your fiancee.
You'll find my book, How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free will help you understand what being married is about.
