DR. Romance Blog

Ask Dr. Romance: Why Are Women Attracted To Politicians?

 

 

Women are drawn to power, like men are drawn to beauty.  Politicians are seen as powerful in this country, and they usually have enough discretionary income (or can steal from public funds) to show a woman a very good time, fly to Brazil, go out to fancy restaurants and hotels, and even hobnob with celebrities. They usually have a lot of charm and charisma, and they're used to using flattery to get what they want.  All of this is attractive to a certain kind of woman.   If he's married and a father, the woman also has to not care about his family.  As an example of what happens, let’s use the current case of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford which has been in the news.

 

According to The State, a Columbia, South Carolina newspaper, http://www.mcclatchydc.com/homepage/story/70791.html   these are excerpts from  the e-mails between Sanford and his paramour, María Belén Chapur, followed by my analysis:

 

— From Sanford. Tuesday, July 8. 1:42 a.m.

 

"Got back an hour ago to civilization and am now in Columbia after what was for me a glorious break from reality down at the farm. No phones ringing and tangible evidence of a day's labors. Though I have started every day by 6 this morning woke at 4:30, I guess since my body knew it was the last day, and I went out and ran the excavator with lights until the sun came up. To me, and I suspect no one else on earth, there is something wonderful about listening to country music playing in the cab, air conditioner running, the hum of a huge diesel engine in the back ground, the tranquillity that comes with being in a virtual wilderness of trees and marsh, the day breaking and vibrant pink coming alive in the morning clouds - and getting to build something with each scoop of dirt."

 

Dr Romance says: This is a very intimate disclosure talking about his feelings in a way men rarely do.  He feels safe talking to her -- this denotes an emotional bond, at least friendship. Communication of this sort is often very attractive to women who value emotional sharing from the men in their lives.

 

— From Maria. Wednesday, July 9. 8:14 p.m.

 

"As I told you I shouldn't have done this trip but I would have felt worst if I wouldn't have come because it was too over the date, he is a very nice guy, great heart ... but unfortunately I am not in love with him ... You are my love ... something hard to believe even for myself as it's also a kind of impossible love, not only because of distance but situation. Sometimes you don't choose things, they just happen... I can't redirect my feelings and I am very happy with mine towards you."

 

Dr. Romance says: She obviously has feelings for Sanford, but they are not mature, healthy love.  These “out of control” feelings are known as “limerance” -- the "falling in love" feeling that is a result of chemistry, hormones and brain chemicals creating an attraction.   People in limerance cannot think clearly. The evidence is that she knows her other date is a better guy than Sanford, but she's thinking with her hormones, not her head.

___

 

— From Gov. Sanford. Date: Thursday, July 10. 12:24 a.m

 

"One, tomorrow leave at 5 a.m. for New York and meetings. Will think about you on its streets and wish I was going to be there later in the month when you are there. Tomorrow night back to Philadelphia for the start of the National Governor's Conference through the weekend. Back to Columbia for Tuesday and then on Wednesday, as I think I had told you, taking the family to China, Tibet, Nepal, India, Thailand and then back through Hong Kong on world wind tour. Few days home then to Bahamas for 5 days on a friend's boat for the last break of the summer. The following weekend have been asked to spend it out in Aspen, Colorado with McCain - which has kicked up the whole VP talk all over again in the press back home ...

 

Two, mutual feelings .... You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night's light - but hey, that would be going into sexual details ...

 

Three and finally, while all the things above are all too true - at the same time we are in a hopelessly - or as you put it impossible - or how about combine and simply say hopelessly impossible situation of love. How in the world this lightening strike snuck up on us I am still not quite sure. As I have said to you before I certainly had a special feeling about you from the first time we met, but these feelings were contained and I genuinely enjoyed our special friendship and the comparing of all too many personal notes ...

 

Lastly I also suspect I feel a little vulnerable because this is ground I have never certainly never covered before - so if you have pearls of wisdom on how we figure all this out please let me know... In the meantime please sleep soundly knowing that despite the best efforts of my head my heart cries out for you, your voice, your body, the touch of your lips, the touch of your finger tips and an even deeper connection to your soul."

 

Dr. Romance says: This is romantic love poetry. He's very articulate and writes well. What woman wouldn't be tempted to succumb after being described like that?  Also, his glamorous life, from New York, to Philadelphia, to Asia, to a meeting with McCain about becoming a Vice Presidential candidate is very attractive to women who adore power.  His remarks about "hopeless, impossible" denote that he's in limerance. He knows it's a disaster, but he can't resist.  It's an adolescent, hormone-driven state of mindlessness.

 

I believe that both of them have felt weighed down with responsibility (the same amount of stress might not weigh so heavily on more emotionally mature people) and have sought relief in romantic fantasy.  They have been playing, staying in luxurious places, being thrilled by the danger of their escapades, and escaping from the reality of their lives. But, alas, we know there is no real escape from responsibility.  You can have fun for a while, but the aftermath is usually devastating.

 

When limerance strikes, and you’re all excited by someone, it’s important to keep your wits about you, and not act in ways that will have terrible consequences later.  No matter how exciting the affair is now, it’s going to have a messy, painful stage later.  If there are children and another spouse or spouses who will be affected by the affair, you must think of them.  If you and your lover are meant to be together, you need to handle your other entanglements first.  Do the right thing, honor your spouse and children, and allow the temptation to be just a daydream.  Anything else is way too

I seem to ruminate all day about myself

Dear Dr. Romance:  

I live in Scotland and I think we are quite backward when it comes to mental health issues. I have
spoken to 2 therapists now about my obsessive thinking, both of whom seem strangely perplexed by what I percieve to be quite a common problem.  I seem to ruminate all day about myself, seeking solutions for a mental health problem.  The problem of which I talk is the fact that I think about having a mental health problem all the time.  As you can see it is just a vicious circle, the reality is that there is no problem other than the thinking about there being a problem and that in turns leads to anxiety about the fact 'it's not normal to be thinking like this all the time'.  Sometimes I can just accept it, other times I let it overwhelm me. 

Hope this makes some sense, I'm looking for some guidance. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
 
Dr. Romance responds:

In order to change obessive thinking quickly, you must replace the obsessive thoughts with more positive ones. For your problem, I'd suggest you do affirmations along the lines of "I, [your name] am relaxed and mentally healthy."  Please read my article "Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude" You'll find specific steps there to follow.  Also, I recommend two books for you: 

 I Deserve Love: How Affirmations Can Guide You to Personal Fulfillment   by Sondra Ray  and  
 White Bears and Other Unwanted Thoughts: Suppression, Obsession, and the Psychology of
Mental Control by Daniel M. Wegner 

 For more in-depth work to heal the underlying causes of your perseveration, read my book: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

Voyage on the Amazon to Brazil, Pt. VI: Devil's Island

Dr. Romance's travel notes:

Saturday, April 4 Devil's Island, The Salvations Islands, French Guiana 

We don't reach anchor until 1:00 PM, so it's another leisurely morning, which we need after dancing our butts off yesterday. Our Port Lecturer, Hutch, began a narration as we approached the islands.

There are three islands in the Salvation Island group: Diablo (Devil's), Royale, and St. Joseph's islands. They form a triangle, and were originally known as the Triangle Islands. Although Devil's Island was the scene of the film "Papillon," about a prisoner who attempted escape after escape, The prison really used all three islands. Isle Royale, which is the one we actually went ashore to, contained the Warden's and officers' quarters, as well as most of the prisoners.

It was surprising to find that there is a satellite launch base at Kourou, French Guiana, 9 miles away, which launches nearly half the world's commercial satellites.

The Isle Royale is beautiful, covered by dense jungle vegetation, and is home to Leatherback turtles, monkeys, agoutis (they look like overgrown hamsters) and exotic birds. It is also quite hot and humid. The walking paths are cobblestone and rock, very difficult to walk, and there are many, many stairs up to the museum, which was once the Warden's Quarters. The museum is very sparse and small, but the buildings are of a distinctive style, with white outer walls, brick trim, and blue shutters. There are huge rock walls everywhere, and the steps are also of stone, which makes me think they dug up a lot of stones while building. The Salvation Island name originated in the 1600s when settlers fled the mainland, nine miles across the ocean, to escape the disease-ridden jungle. French Emporer Napoleon III established the convict settlement in 1852, and France did not stop sending prisoners here until 1938, when the truth emerged that two-thirds of the 80,000 prisoners sent here did not survive. There is a heart-rending children's cemetary here, because families often came to be close to the prisoners, and large numbers of children died of disease. Prisoners who died were just cast into the sea.

We tendered in to the island, and started up the rocky path, which gently sloped up to the stone stairsway leading to the museum. A group were gathered at the water's edge a short way up the path, and we found they were watching a Leatherback turtle who was swimming near the wall. He would poke his head up very quickly, then dunk headfirst in the water, showing his tail.  We went through the not very impressive museum, wandered around the accessible buildings, and saw the beautiful view of the other side of the island and the ocean beyond. There is also the Warden's Pool, a man-made, rock-lined pond which was built by prisoners for the Warden's pleasure. The pool was full of people today, perhaps guests from the small hotel on the island. Many fellow passengers wondered who would ever stay here, but I think that, only nine miles away from the mainland, the island would be a nice getaway for French Guianans. As warm as we thought it was, it is probably cooler than the mainland. There were many coconuts along the pathway, and looking up, we could see palm trees loaded with coconuts. Fortunately, none fell, or we would have needed hard hats!

When we turned back, we discovered a path sloping down to the road. We followed it, and were rewarded by the sight of many small monkeys in the trees  and on the wall on our right. Someone had thought to bring a banana, and tossed small pieces to the monkeys, which gave all of us the chance to take photos. There were baby monkeys as well as adults, climbing, chattering and swinging through the trees. Then, on the other side of the path we spotted a striking pheasant, with a bright red head, who indignantly puffed himself up when we flashed the camera at him. We walked back the rest of the path, took our tender back to the ship, and gratefully collapsed into the cool ship's buffet room for lunch. One lady on the elevator made us laugh when she said "OK, I've been there, and I never have to go again."

Our port lecturer has begun his talks on the Amazon, and we're all getting excited about cruising up the great river.

He would like to have sex every time he thinks about it.

Dear Dr. Romance:

My partner says I turn him on which means, it seems to me, that he would like to have sex every time he thinks about it.  It's almost too much and I don't know how to handle it.  My background with sex, including the children's dad, has been:  something you do for someone else in the hopes that they
will love you.  I guess that's really what it has been, something I do for someone else and, yes I was molested as a young girl and forced/raped the first time.   When I am single, I would masterbate almost every night.  And, when I met my partner, there was GREAT chemistry and sexual excitement but, that seems to have slowed down considerably.  I learned, and decided, after my divorce that I wanted a good sexual relationship with my partner.

So, here I believe is a good opportunity with my partner. However, he almost MUST have sex when he first wakes up, and, if we're together throughout the day, he might want it midday if something turns him on, and, of course, at night before you go to sleep.  Plus, it's not unusual for him to have 2-3 orgasms at one time.   I might have 1 or 2 orgasms a week and sometimes, it just seems like so much work for me to get excited and/or have an orgasm. So, this is my reason for writing.

I would like to continue/connect this with my own sexuality and how can I enjoy it more.  I never have really enjoyed it as much as I am led to believe you can enjoy it.  I would, at least, like to enjoy it as
much as is possible for me.

Dr. Romance replies:

Your partner sounds like what Kinsey called a "high frequency male."  A very high sex drive.  You'll never manage to keep up with him.  Yes, you can work on freeing up your sexuality and healing the past -- that will help, but you need to begin negotiating with your partner now -- talk to him, tell him his drive is higher than yours (you don't need to explain why) and you two will have to manage some things.  Can you hold him while he masturbates?  Can you let him know when you want to have sex, want an orgasm, and ask him to have orgasms without you when you don't feel like it?  Find out what the options are -- when you have the freedom to say "yes or no"  your own sex drive will increase, and you'll enjoy it more. Your partner will notice this.  However, you can't get into any kind of competition with him -- he'll always have more sex drive than you do. It's something most couples have to negotiate. Read my article, "Relating With Love" for more help in how to communicate. You might also find my book,Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Marriage 

My ex is a great person, but a spoiled brat.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I saw your website and decided to write you via e-mail. The reason being is that my lover for the past three years has left me and I now am trying to afford the house and dogs and everything else we
bought together with one income.

My ex is a great person, but a spoiled brat. We were together for a year before anything at all was bad. She came to this area because of an ex-lover and always said she would never stay here...Well, I was living in a trailer and didn't want her and I to continue "in a trailer park" -so- We sold the trailer and bought a house. Three months later she runs  into her ex- and walks outside this bar on New Year's Ee and stays out there for a few hours...The next day she tells me she wants to see her again. I said if she did she'd have to leave. She didn't.

All goes well until May and she runs into another ex- she and this girl get a little cuddly with each other and it all gets weird again. The ex did apologize -- but I couldn't have cared less. Then two months later, we are at another party at her parents home and I am sitting around with some friends and I look around for her and she's gone. In the driveway up against a car with "a friend from high school". I just went to bed, she came up bawling and has this guy downstairs calling her to come back....She asks him to come up and then introduces us---

After all of that I began to get scared. There were other things like this that have happened since, (not always old lovers), and each incident caused me to become very protective of us.  I explained it to
her that nothing actually happened in her mind, but in my mind-it was a respect thing. For us. 

Before we met, my ex lost a lot of weight and I think she loves the attention. She is beautiful.

Anyway, I became a jealous freak. I wanted to let her be free, but whenever I did-something always happened. She always promised to change the behavior, but it never happened. We would have months of happiness and then all hell would break loose.

So a month ago when she started talking about a "new friend" I asked her if she cared for them...She freaked out---I freaked out...and I told her that I needed help. I hated who I had become and I wanted her to help me learn to forget and trust her-to be like we were before all this began...I told her that I was going to turn my back from now on and that if she was going to do anything, then it was over and if she didn't, then I would learn to trust. I told her she was like the girl in Oklahoma! "who couldn't say no," and quoted, "What you gonna do when he says your lips are like cream and he's gotta have cream or die?-What you gonna do when he talks that way?-SPIT IN HIS EYE?"- And that what it's like...Lori doesn't seek out anything-she just won't tell anyone to backoff.

Well, two weeks after that, I had a party for her with all of the people we play softball with-guys and girls.  She got drunk and ended up begging one of the guys to take her out with him until he left-and then sat in the backyard with one guy who was the only one left for about three hours.  When she came in she was crying. I asked her to leave. We agreed to cool off for a couple of days and discuss things then.

When she came back, she said she wasn't coming back. That she had everything in the world she had ever wanted with me-but that she was miserable. She said that she had alot of things to consider. She doesn't even know if she is gay anymore. 

Since then, we have tried to get along. She moved out two weeks ago. But she has come over quite a bit. We cried and carried on the first few times she came over, but now we just try to get along. She came over yesterday and we walked the dogs in a park. She was quiet, and she said it just hurt to see us still (I know it does...). Today, she came over and I went and saw her new apartment for a few minutes. My friends all tell me that I shouldn't see her---

I guess I am just afraid to let go. I guess that my major fear is that she will figure out that she wants to come back when it's too late. She said that she fears this too.  But that she needs to get her head on straight. She says that she isn't seeing anyone.  I know this is true and that I shouldn't even allow her to come back until she gets things figured out. But I love her and miss her.

We decided to go to counseling together and I am making an appointment next week. I have lost 12 lbs since this all happened two weeks ago. I feel like I am going to throw up all the time but have only once.  I guess this is some sort of depression. I could,(but don't), sleep all day-but can't sleep at night.

The thing is that when I see her, I don't feel as bad. So because I am afraid to hit rock bottom-I see her and I feel better for a while... It's like I am on the edge of losing it-teetering away---And I have two dogs and a house to take care of-a job that is high stress- and no time to spare for all of this pain right now.

I would like to have us be ok. I would like to use my head and be mature and allow her this time and just go on with my life. But, she was like my first love all over again.  She says that she loves me-that she misses us-but that she isn't going to keep making me miserable anymore. My friends say that she is just getting rid of her guilty feelings with me and then will be gone.

I just want fix this and go on. I know I have to learn to trust all over again...but I will do counseling to work on this. She doesn't know what she wants, but will try counseling.

Did I tell you she is just turning 29? I'm 34. She says that I have an inner peace that she doesn't, and that when I talked to her about things alot of the time I sounded like I was her mother. I will be looking for your book How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free  Thanks for listening.

Dr. Romance responds:

I understand about the financial stress splitups can create. Yes, your partner's weight loss could contribute to her need for attention, but I think the situation is more serious than that.  It sounds like she never learned about bonding and commitment.   In addition, she apparently has an internal homophobia issue.  People who have never learned to bond, have a difficult time knowing  which of their feelings are authentic. Add the homophobia and rejection in the society, they find it quite difficult to handle being gay.

I'm afraid I agree with your friends, although I know this is very hard for you.  But this relationship will go nowhere, and it means too much to you for you to be able to do it on a casual, non-committed basis.  I firmly believe in exes being friends, but not yet.  You need time to un-bond, to let go, to get over it.  The best way to do that is to severely limit all contact until you have had  a chance to grieve and your feelings have subsided. 

As soon as you do this, she will come back. She will come back over and over again, but that doesn't mean she'll change.  Her problem is a tough one, and  hanging will not be easy for her.  So far she doesn't even sound as if she's trying to change.  Even if she does, it will take her a couple of years.  You need to let go.  

Counseling will help, but you would benefit more from indiidual counseling than couple counseling.  It will take the therapist a while to "get it" that your ex cannot make a committment, and that will set you back a bit, unless you're really strong in setting your limits in the counseling. You must go into the appointment and clearly let the therapist know what has happened (don't be "nice" about it), and that your friend's behavior is unacceptable to you.

Yes, you're experiencing anxiety and depression, which is a way to avoid the grief you need to feel.  Rock-bottom is only tears, and you will survive them.  Get a book called How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Peter McWilliams and Melba Cosgrove  (it's available everywhere).  It will help a lot.  You might also find my own book, Gay Relationships very useful.

"No time to spare for all of this pain right now" is just an excuse.  Your life will not get better until you allow yourself to grieve -- it will not be nearly as bad as you think.  Let her go, and let your pain out.  Write about your feelings, play sad music, really get into how awful it all is.  You'll get past the worst of it pretty quickly.  Otherwise, if you try to suppress it, you'll feel miserable for a  very long time.  It's as though you have a certain number of tears you need to cry, and the sooner you get them out, the better you are.

Yes, your first committed same-sex love is definitely your first love all over again.    But, she won't be your last.  When you come out of this, you will realize you learned a lot that will help you make the next relationship much better.  In fact, I believe if you are willing to learn and grow (including doing your grieving) you begin the next relationship where the old one left off.  You never get less. Your friends are exactly right  She is just getting rid of her guilty feelings.  Lori says she will "try" counseling, which means she's just doing it to please you -- she's not ready to admit she needs to fix anything.  Yes, you do have a maturity she doesn't.  But it doesn't come with age -- it comes with self-awareness, and then self-acceptance. Good luck with this.  I hope you can find the strength to let go and move on.  You desere better and you'll  find it if you give yourself a chance.

Voyage on the Amazon to Brazil, Pt V: St. Lucia

Thursday, April 2

Castries, St. Lucia, Windward Islands

At dinner last night , the captain announced that we would be underway in about an hour, and be in St.Lucia (where we were supposed to be today) by 8:00 AM tomorrow.  He said he'd announce tomorrow what the itinerary changes would be.  Rumors abound.  We have become friendly with Brad, the ship's computer lecturer, who told Richard earlier today that the problem was already fixed, but headquarters would not let the captain move the ship until approved professional divers checked it out.  The subsequent events seem to bear this out.

Just as the captain promised, we woke to find the ship docked at St. Lucia. We had planned to go in with Jacob and Ronit, find a van and driver and tour around, but Richard didn't feel up to it, so we called their room early give our regrets. We had a leisurely morning, and after breakfast, we decided to walk out to the local market at the port, and while wandering around the marketplace, we found a ferry, or water taxi stand. The ferry would take us across the bay to town, the day was hot, the aribbean sun fierce, and a ferry ride sounded appealing, so we bought our $3 round-trip tickets, and sat in the little shaded waiting area until the ferry arrived. It was a small yellow boat fitted with benches and plenty of shade.

The side windows were open, so we got a lovely breeze as we sailed the short 15 minutes across the bay. On the way, we got a good view of the mountainous island, the green, lovely hillsides dotted with houses. The island's capital, Castries, has 60,000 inhabitants, and a turbulent history of sugar, slavery, and rum. Today, it's a peaceful paradise, with a rainforest and lush hilldsides.

Once we docked in town, we wandered around a bit, talked to some of the people in the public market, did a little bit of shopping, and slowly melted from the heat. Before long, we made our way back to the ferry dock and another pleasant ride across the bay, relishing the cooling sea breezes. Back on board ship, we went up to lunch, where Richard got the pizza chef to make him a four-cheese pizza.

After lunch, a nap. It's a tough life. When the sun was setting, Richard walked on the deck, and I went to swim in the small but lovely salt water pool for half an hour. After showering and dressing, we went dancing, and to dinner.

During dinner, the captain announced the changes in the itinerary. We are going to skip going to Tobago, and have a sea day tomorrow, which puts us back on our regular schedule. We'll be at Devil's Island on Saturday. The captain said Princess would give every passenger a $75 credit on our shipboard account, plus a credit of the port taxes at Tobago. For those of us who are taking the round trip and will be coming back this same way, it's an extremely generous offer. We're not even missing out on Tobago, because we'll see it on the trip home.

Tomorrow, we're at sea.

What's going on in the Dr. Romance Neighborhood?

Here's what's happenin' in the Dr. Romance Neighborhood:

Dr. Romance is honored to be a social media consultant for California Repertory Theater. 

Money Sex and Kids reviewed on  Feel Better Network

Podcasts: 

Dr. Romance appeared on Ms. HeartBeat on BlogTalkRadio -  "Is Marriage Really Such a Prize?"  on Wednesday, June 10 at 7:30 PM Pacific Time.

Dr. Romance discusses Cougar dating on  "The Cougar Countdown" radio show.  

Why do I always find cowards?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I like your article "Stupid Cupid"  and find that all your down-to-earth questions should be applicable in a daily life of a relationship.  I will forward it to my friends.   I'm writing you about a guy that I met at my dance class. I found him to be very nice and smart.  My immigrant family is concerned for  me and wants to know where I am (especially late at night). He did not like that and said that I should look for a guy from my own country and that he is not even thinking about marriage. I never  mentioned a marriage or asked anything from him. For the most part we were just dancing together.  Why would anyone insist on a relationship for months and want just no-emotions short-term-only-sex relationship instead? Or it is me and my family that scare him? Or is it that I always find cowards?
  
 
  Dr. Romance responds:
 
I'm glad you enjoy the article, and thanks for forwarding it.  Somehow, your dance partner got the idea that you want marriage, maybe because your family is so concerned about you.  He can see that, to continue dating you, he'd have to be serious, and he's not. If you are really just dancing with him, then tell him that, and that you're not interested in a relationship.  Lots of men want to be 'friends with benefits'  which means sex partners with no commitment.  It's not a good idea for you, so tell him you're not interested in dating or sex, you just want to dance. On the other hand maybe he met someone else, and is trying to let you down easy.  Either way, there's no way to persuade him to be with you if he doesn't want to.  Let him go, move on, and if he really cares, he'll be back.  A lot of men are cowards about commitment as long as they think they can get what they want without committing.  Read my article: "Guidelines for Successful Dating" for some ideas on how to find a guy who really cares.

we want different types of poly relationships

Dear Dr. Romance:

We are a poly couple that have recently discovered that we want different types of poly relationships. He wants lovers who can lie with us and make a group home. I want lovers who remain a separate relationship from the primary one. We just figured this out after months of fighting and now he says he wants to reconcile that we believe differently and stay with me. But he doesn't know if he can. So, he's moving in with his other lover because,"she agrees with me about how things should be"and wants space from me.(this he says is for 6 months) I'm giving him the space but I don't know what I or he should be doing in the mean time. I take his leaving as a sign that he really wants a monogamous relationship with her. Is it possible to live with this difference?

If you know of a therapist in my area that is like you, can you drop me a line?

Dr Romance responds:

Living with this difference won't be possible if you're right about him wanting a monogamous relationship with someone else.  This may be his way of leaving while avoiding a big blowup.   I suggest you take very good care of yourself. I'm not entirely sure he's being honest, are you? Maybe the moving out "for 6 months" is just a way to end the relationship without a big hassle. On the other hand, I do believe that if both people sincerely want to work out a poly relationship,it can be done.     

I'm afraid I don't personally know any therapists in your area .The Institute for Marital and Sexual Therapy has a therapist finder Any therapist you try there should have a positive attitude toward sex, but be sure to ask what the therapist's attitude and experience is about polyamory.  If he or she thinks polyamory is sex addiction, find someone else.  See my article "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" for more help.  

You might also be interested in my book How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free  It will show you how to bridge differences in your relationship.

Voyage up the Amazon to Brazil pt IV: Dominica

Tuesday, March 31:

Dr. Romance writes:

Commonwealth of Dominica, West Indies

The day was gorgeous for everyone except the ship's captain, but we did not know this until later in the day. By 10:00 Ronit, Jacob, Richard and I were out on the deck (no tenders today) where an adorable bunch of schoolchildren, age about 5 and in sparkling clean dark blue and white uniforms, were waiting with their teachers. We later learned they toured the ship, and were served a lunch of hot dogs at the poolside grill. Very cute.

We connected with Tomas, a very friendly and knowledgeable van driver, and made a deal to take the four of us around the Caribbean side of the island for about three hours for $50 total. What a difference from St. Bart's! The terrain here is also very different. This is a gorgeous tropical island, lush and greeen, and it rained gently on us a couple of times, so we could see why it's so green. Dominica means "Sunday" in Italian, because this island was spotted by Columbus on that day of the week. It has been nicknamed "The Nature Island of the Caribbean" It is one of the youngest islands in the Lesser Antilles, and still has geothermal activitiy, in the form of the world's second-largest boiling lake. (later, we learn one of the passengers gets burned there)There are 365 rivers, and of the 70,000 inhabitants, 36 are over 100 years old, and no wonder -- It's a gorgeous place to live. The beaches here are all black, volcanic sand, with lush greenery, flowers and fresh fruit everywhere. Domenica was colonized by the British, so they speak English here, and drive on the left side of the road. (It is a different country from the Dominican Republic, on the island of Hispaniola in the Antilles.)The inhabitants also speak a French Creole Patois, like most of the islanders in the area. The island achieved independence in 1978.

We all had a big laugh when I tried to get into the driver's side of the van -- Tomas said he'd charge more if I drove. So, we were off to a great start, and drove through the small town of Roseau, which is quaint and pretty, with the houses painted many different colors. We passed a hillside covered with pretty houses, and Tomas told us that in 1979 hurricane David wiped out every house on that hillside. That was the worst hurricane in his memory. In October, hurricane Obama swept the island, and did some damage, but little is visible now. I told Tomas we had our own hurricane Obama in October in the states.  Off we drove, with Tomas complaining that the government was simultaneously repairing both roads that cross the island, so we'd have to go around the long way. We told him governments were like that the world over. No sense in the plans.

We had a lovely drive, past many banana and coconut groves. The bananas are ready to be picked now, and each tree had one large bunch, covered with a blue plastic bag to keep the bugs off (although we saw no bugs the whole day) Tomas said that when the bunch is picked, the tree dies, but it has already put out a shoot which will be the next tree. We saw the small banana trees coming up from the base of each big one.

Palmolive has a big factory here, making soap from coconut and palm oil. They also make rum from coconuts. Cacao grows here, too, and we saw a tree covered with big red pods of cocoa beans. We got deeper and deeper into the rain forest, driving past lush greenery and spectacular displays like the flame trees, which are covered in bright red blooms on the top, red ginger flowers, and huge flowering hibiscus bushes. Scattered, very brief rainshowers refreshed us.

After about 45 minutes up the winding roads into the hills, we stopped at the entrance to the "eco-tourism site" and paid the $5 to enter the rainforest. A sign said "15 minutes to Emerald Falls" but it probably took us more like 25. The hike was amazing, past huge twisted roots and treetrunks covered with moss and ferns. Ferns were growing everywhere, out of the trees and on the rocks. The birds were calling in the distance, and the trail was well-established, paved with natural stones, and gradually descending in broad steps. We reached a clearing with a bench and a railing, which overlooked a spectacular view of the falls. Emerald Falls and Emerald Pool are well-named, because the pool water is exactly the hazy green of most emeralds. A lovely little brook descends from the pool, inviting us to climb down the many, many steps in several switchbacks that led down to the bank of the pool. Legend has it that bathing in the pool takes ten years off your age, but we hadn't brought suits, so we contented ourselves with breathing in the soft, moist rainforest air, and enjoying the beauty of the place. We gained a couple of years of youth, at least. After a while, we began the long, uphill march back to the beginning of the trail.

This rainforest is so different from the rain forest in Costa Rica --much more moist, with different kinds of trees. The trees here are a banyan-type, putting down many roots, and even connecting across the pool and brook. Up to the edges of the trail, the forest is very dense, and would be impossible to pass through. It feels like the life center of the planet, supplying oxygen and fresh air to the rest of the world.

Once back at the gate, we shopped briefly at the little stands, and I bought two small, handmade, covered woven baskets. Very pretty, but we're holding back until we get to the native villages in the Amazon. We have limited space to carry things back, so we have to be judicious.

We piled back in to the van, and retraced our steps back to town. About halfway down, Tomas suggested we stop at a little fruit stand where they give the fruit away, under the philosophy of "be nice to get nice" that typifies this island. There was fresh coconut, bananas (unbelievable. banana/citrus taste) papaya and sugar cane, plus roasted cacao beans. We tried everything, and listened to the lively patter of the proprietor, who was very funny and entertaining. Then, we put a voluntary few bucks into a coconut shell hanging nearby. No one asked for anything, and we wouldn't have realized a donation was the custom if Tomas hadn't clued us in beforehand. A very fun moment on our trip.

On the way back through town, we encountered heavy traffic, and Tomas said it was "rush hour' at 1:00 PM. The children were coming out of school, and we saw many adorable young girls in navy and white uniforms, with matching blue ribbons in their pigtailed or cornrowed hair. There were other uniforms too, khaki and white, and different styles of blue and white, each designating a different school. Education is mandatory here for every child, from age 3 to 18. At the end of grade school, children take an exam, British -style, which determines whether they will go to a college-prep high school or a trade school. The children looked happy and well-cared for, with little sign of grinding poverty. Although people don't make too much money here, the land is generous, and it's easy to get enough food, and meet basic needs. The island is very productive, and there is enough work that everyone can earn a living.

Back at the ship, we were surprised to find the day had become oppressively hot. It was so cool in the forest and the hills, we hadn't realized how hot it was in town. We were glad to get on the ship. Shortly after we boarded, however, the captain came on the loudspeaker to say there had been a mishap while docking in the morning. A rope had been dropped, and tangled in the propeller. Divers had been working all day to cut it free, but it wasn't finished, and we'd be leaving late. This didn't change much for us, and we had lunch, took a nap, went swimming in the pool, and went dancing before dinner. At dinner, another announcement came on, and the captain told us he had to call in professional divers from Miami, who would be here in the morning, and we would be staying in Dominica a second day. We don't know what this will do to our itinerary. I am confident they'll fix the problem when the pro divers arrive with better equipment. In the meantime, passengers could go ashore tomorrow, and the tour desk would offer limited tours. The four of us were at the dinner table when the announcement came, and as soon as the captain finished, the whole dining room was buzzing. We decided we would welcome a day of rest aboard ship, since we would be coming back here on the return trip, so we plan to stay onboard tomorrow and relax. There's a Caribbean party on the deck tonight, with music, lots of dessert and snacks, so we are going up there.