Dear Dr. Romance:
My husband has told me he is a closet bisexual who chooses the heterosexual lifestyle. That he is very committed to me and our children.The problem is I recently found that he has had 2 experiences before we met. His fantasy is to consummate the relationship with a male. One time only and then go back to our own sexual lifestyle. He wants me to watch.
I am afraid that he is more bisexual than he is letting on....can a bisexual man put those feelings away and continue with a heterosexual relationship or will I always need to confront this?
Dr. Romance responds:
It sounds to me like he doesn't want to face the possiblity that he's really bisexual or perhaps even gay, and the drastic changes that would make in his life.
The mutual caring your and your husband have is valuable. Don't throw it away too lightly -- you
may be able to work this out.
He obviously trusts you, if he wants you to watch. You have to make your own decision about that. Please don't do anything you'll feel awful about later. If you decide to do it, make sure you can do it with a clear conscience.
You and he may both always need to confront this. You don't tell me whether your sexual relationship is good, bad or nonexistant at this point, so I don't have much to go on. The quality of your intimate connection will strongly affect the outcome.
You two really need some counseling together, and perhaps separately. This is too difficult and complex an issue to try to sole it in an atmosphere of ignorance. You also have children to consider. Please find someone knowledgeable about sexual and lifestyle issues, who can help you both get through this with the best result.
I don't know where you live, but look for a counselor who specializes in sexuality and lifestyle issues, and who is not biased for or against bisexuality. Ask those questions before you go for a session. Read my article "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" You will also find my book, How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free