Dr. Romance Blog

I haven't spoken to my maternal grandparents in 5 years

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm not sure if you're willing or able to help, but I've been looking online for a solution to my problem for a while now. As of yet, I've come up empty  handed. My situation is that I'm 21 years old and haven't spoken to my maternal grandparents in 5 years. Somehow with all of the means of
communication available and even though we live in the same town, we've managed to completely lose touch. Recently I've been thinking about how to initiate conversation again, but I'm not sure how to go about it. Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

Dr. Romance replies:

If you know how to contact them, follow the Nike slogan, and just do it. Read my article "Mirrors and Teachers" for some perspective. It's time you established a new relationship with them as an adult. You were a teenager before, and hopefully, they'll understand this.  Call them up and ask if you can come over and talk to them.  If your grandparents are reasonable people, they'll greet you with love and enthusiasm.  Bring them a treat (dessert, donuts, cake) for all of you to share.  If there's some bad history between you, then you should just apologize for your part in it, and don't say anything about what they did wrong.  Just apologize and say you want to start over.

I promise you, it won't be as bad as you think.

Voyage up the Amazon to Brazil pt. III: St. Barthelemy

Dr. Romance  writes: Sunday March 29:

This is our second full day at sea, so we're enjoying the ship, and tomorrow we'll be in St. Barthelemy, our first port. We had a lovely day, dancing at night and made plans to meet Ronit, Jacob, and two guys named Richard in the morning for breakfast and to do an independent tour of the island.

Monday, March 30:

St Barthelemy, the Leeward Islands, West Indies.

The day was gorgeous, not too hot, blue, blue sky and even bluer ocean, and there was a fancy yacht in the harbor.

The six of us met for breakfast and proceeded to the tenders and shore. The tender was packed, and we joked about sinking before we reached the island. A ten minute chug to the dock, where we were all greeted by Hutch, the port lecturer, who graciously directed the ship's tour guests to their tours, and talked to us about how to hire a van for an independent tour. We quickly found a van with a driver who spoke pretty good English (main language here is French) and had a lovely hour's drive around the island. I was surprised at how desert-like the island is, much like Southern California, with cactus and scrub trees in the non-landscaped areas. The island, which is hilly like most volcanically-created islands, is dotted with groupings of small, white houses, with colorfully coated tin roofs. in red, blue, yellow and green. These are interspersed with small hotels. No tall buildings here. There are more than 20 lovely beaches, all open to the public. We plan to enjoy one of them on our second stop here, on the way back. Today, we enjoyed the scenic drive, and the good company.

One of the Richards saw a nice villa, perched on top of a steep hill, and said "We could rent this villa and train here" and the other Richard said "Train for what? the Senior Olympics?" Richard responded. "Yes, the Senior Olympics 1k!" and we all had a laugh. Prices here are not a laughing matter. A villa close to the beach can rent for $2,000 a week, and there's a hotel that charges $2,000 per night! This is a hideaway for the rich and for movie stars, but we were told they stay out of the town when a ship is in port. The steep prices keep the island exclusively theirs. Everything has a French flair, and there are very exclusive stores for every famous French couturier. I snapped a picture of a signpost with many arms pointing to Gucci, Chanel, Louis Viton, and Balenciaga. 

My Richard had forgotten his dress socks, and he thought the ones on the ship, at $8 per pair were expensive, but when we looked here it was eye-opening. The first storekeeper we asked just laughed and said, "No one wears socks here" (and it's true -- everyone was in sandals, and many were barefoot.) We did find some men's socks, nothing special, and 31 Euro per pair (about $45) so we decided to try elsewhere. I did find a t-shirt, with St. Barth's spelled out in crystals, that was only $31. What a bargain.

After wandering the winding streets of Gustavia, the town here, we happily got back on the tender, and back to the ship for lunch, a nap, and an early-evening swim and dancing before dinner. A satisfying day.

I'm wondering about a "blind date"

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have  been reading your book The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again  I certainly will appreciate any wisdom or guidance that you can share.  I'm a minister who ministers to congregations, and I was widowed several years ago.

1. I've pretty much stopped going to any singles group functions. I think you're right when you say that they are not too productive except if they are organized around a specific activity. I don't know of any of those focused activity singles groups going on though. I'd appreciate any further thoughts you have.

2. I'm wondering if you have any further thoughts about friends introducing me to people. I'm thinking that if I would have at least some prior contact with the person they are connecting me with, that would be good, but I'm wondering about a "blind date" without having met the person before. One thing that concerns me is if I don't really pick up on someone whom a friend has fixed me up with that that could jeopardize the friendship. I'm thinking that would be a little different from my meeting someone at a friend's party and asking the friend about that person's availability. But if a friend goes out of his or her way to arrange a date, that's a lot of investment on their part. I welcome any thoughts you have about that. 

3. I really like the idea of getting involved in certain activities that I would enjoy anyway, and then getting to know a number of people in the group. I probably know the answer to this, but these things take time. I certainly know the reality that you need to spend time at a goal you want to reach, but I'm wondering if you have any other particular thoughts about that.

4. On an ongoing basis, I receive invitations to speak to various groups of caregivers and trainers. These invitations come from both the nearby area and all over the country. I'm wondering if these would be good opportunities to meet people. Sometimes these speaking invitations also have a social time like dinner or even parties. Most of the time these are couples, but there are also times where single women are also present.

In the past when I have gotten invitations to speak in other cities, which typically are with individual congregations, I haven't accepted those because it has been much better that I use my time to speak with larger groups representing many congregations. But if my goal is to meet people and to have social connections, I'm thinking it would be good to accept these invitations. For example, several months ago I preached and a couple of days later spoke to a group of current and former ministers and leaders at a church in another city. Then last week I got a note inviting me to a potluck that they are having next month. I'll definitely go. I know you said something in your book about not missing an opportunity for a party.

5. I think my number one challenge at this time is meeting people. Part of it has to do with my schedule, part the fact that I had settled into a pretty comfortable life of work, family, and my late wife pretty much arranging social kinds of things. But this is something I do want to do something about.

Dr. Romance responds:

I'm sorry for your loss, and I think it's the right time for you to find a partner.  I think you're right. The air of desperation in singles groups pretty much precludes meeting someone in a productive way. Because you are in the ministry, I think focusing on church-related social activities will be your source of success.

If your friends want you to meet someone, suggest they either bring her to a church activity where you'll be, or invite you over to dinner or a party. Blind dates are for teenagers, not for your age  group. You want to meet new ladies in a group setting, where you can chat, but not feel committed to anything until you are interested.You're very interested in your vocation and in church, so that could be your social group. he key is finding something that allows you to see people repeatedly, so you can get to know them before you settle on a likely lady.

Yes, this is a good opportunity, especially the ones in your area. If this potluck is a regular thing, try to go several times. If you let the churches do the arranging, by inviting you to dinners and potlucks, I'm certain you'll find someone. You've done your grief work, you know how relationships are, and your goals are realistic. It takes some time to meet enough people to find the one you're looking for, but I'm certain you'll do it.   Please read my article "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" for more specific dating information.

My husband is a closet bisexual

Dear Dr. Romance:

My husband has told me he is a closet bisexual who chooses the heterosexual lifestyle.  That he is very committed to me and our children.The problem is I recently found that he has had 2 experiences before we met.  His fantasy is to consummate the relationship with a male. One time only and then go back to our own sexual lifestyle.  He wants me to watch.

I am afraid that he is more bisexual than he is letting on....can a bisexual man put those feelings away and continue with a heterosexual relationship or will I always need to confront this?

Dr. Romance responds:

It sounds to me like he doesn't want to face the possiblity that he's really bisexual or perhaps even gay, and the drastic changes that would make in his life. 

The mutual caring your and your husband have is valuable.  Don't throw it away too lightly -- you
may be able to work this out.

He obviously trusts you, if he wants you to watch.  You have to make your own decision about that.  Please don't do anything you'll feel awful about later.  If you decide to do it, make sure you can do it with a clear conscience. 

You and he may both always need to confront this. You don't tell me whether your sexual  relationship is good, bad or nonexistant at this point, so I don't have much to go on.  The quality of your intimate connection will strongly affect the outcome. 

You two really need some counseling together, and perhaps separately.  This is too difficult and complex an issue to try to sole it in an atmosphere of ignorance. You also have children to consider.  Please find someone knowledgeable about sexual and lifestyle issues, who can help you both get through this with the best result. 

I don't know where you live, but look for a counselor who specializes in sexuality and lifestyle issues, and who is not biased for or against bisexuality.  Ask those questions before you go for a session. Read my article "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"   You will also find my book, How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free 

Asking for what you want

In her Dating Like a Grownup blog, Relationship Coach Bobbi Palmer was kind enough to recommend a Dr. Romance article:

An Excerpt:  The “How” in asking is sooooo critical. I was reminded of that when, after reading the article, one of my clients said “but my ex-husband always accused me of  being demanding when I asked for something!”   Yep, good point.  The “How” to ask is significant in this equation.

This fantastic article by Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D is a must-read on this subject.  She gives such thoughtful coaching on how important it is to be clear on what you want, and to ask for it.  Then she tells you how to do so in a way that achieves your result - which should be getting what you want and letting your man happily do something to please you.  Dr. Tessina she says this about asking versus demanding: “You can tell the difference because when you are asking, you can handle getting a no answer.”  Yes!  She also gives examples of how to ask a man, versus a woman. 

Be sure to read Dr. Tessina’s article  Asking for What you Want. If you’re expecting your man to figure out what you want, you’ll probably be disappointed and feel rejected.  And there’s no reason for this. Helping him know how to please you in a kind and non-threatening way will make your relationship or marriage better.  Now go! Read the article  Asking for What you Want.  

Cruising the Amazon to the Heart of Brazil, part II

Dr. Romance's travelog: Saturday, March 28 at sea aboard the Pacific Princess:

We woke refreshed, lazed around for a bit and watched a lovely video about the Amazon, narrated by our onboard speaker, whom we are excited to hear later.

Up to the buffet for breakfast, a made-to-order omelet and lots of fresh fruit. Who should we find up there but Ronit and Jacob, so we joined them and continued the great conversation we had going last night. They are really enjoyable companions. After breakfast, I called Ronda, my secretary, at home (cell phones work, but we'll find out what it cost when we get home) to ask her to e-mail me a file that I lost on the stolen laptop. Afterward, we went up to the Internet Cafe to get some help, because we were able to send e-mail, but not receive it. (turned out we needed a special code) Then I had my first go at the tiny pool on deck. which was pretty cool, but not as cold as the hotel pool. It will warm up as we sail. To my delight, the pool is saltwater. There's a very strong wind on the deck, partly from windy conditions, partly from the ship's motion. The rocking is pretty intense, and reminds us what it's like to be on a small ship. After swimming, I got into the hot tub, and guess who's there? Ronit! She's a pretty, blonde woman, probably in her 50s, and there was a man in the hot tub with her, who left as I arrived and said hello. I think he was disappointed to find out she was married.

After the hot tub, I went to the spa to use the showers, which are always better and more spacious than the one in the cabin. But, these were a surprise! There were two tiled showers, one was marked "fog shower" and the other was unmarked, but it had a small curved entryway, like a little hall. At the end was a spacious round shower with showerheads all around. Once I figured out how the plumbing worked, I got to stand in the middle and get deluged with spray from showerheads all about me. This is pure Heaven!

Back to the cabin to change and get Richard for lunch, which was a lovely salad and sandwich buffet. Now we're back in the cabin, settling down for a nap before tonight's big shindig, the formal Captain's Welcome Party.

Later...

What a party! While we were waiting for the doors to open, we went to the casino next door, and played the penny slots, where we won $3.00 Yippee! At the party, the dance band was great, so we got to do our samba in front of all the passengers, we got our new table for four at dinner, with a great waiter, and had a lovely dinner. Then we went to the disco, and had a lot of fun dancing and talking with Ronit and Yacob, two other Richards, and another couple named Patricia and Paul. It was great! We fell into bed, exhausted.

no one I meet online wants a serious relationship

I am a lesbian and  I have not had a relationship in 8 years because of a bad relationship. I needed time to heal. My favorite discussion board has closed, and I miss my friends! Emailing is nice but I miss the discussions and topic's of the day.  I have gone back to school and I'm much older than the other students, so I'm looking for a partner online.  I make friends easily because of my friendly nature.  But the problem is, no one I meet online wants a serious relationship -- they just want to be friends.   If I was to meet some one on the net I would not be going back home to Atlanta but to where ever this person lied. 

Dr. Romance responds:

I'm sorry you lost your online group, but it may be a blessing in disguise. If your healing is not over by now, do yourself a favor and get some therapy. I really think counseling would help you.  There should be some available at school.  Take advantage of it, even though you're older than a lot of students.   Don't let yourself wallow in this any longer.  I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you're busy keeping yourself miserable. You're resisting meeting friends where you can, and  complaining about people "just wanting to be your friend". People you meet online can't be anything but friends, realistically, until you've met them and gotten to know them.  

I think you need friends in real life, gay and straight, men and women.  And you can do that at school after classes or by joining campus groups.   I'm glad you "make friends easily", but do you keep them for a long time?  There's a big difference between friends who have been around for years and  someone you just met, which I would call an acquaintance.  If making friends is so easy, why aren't you doing it?

Don't make the mistake of thinking you can meet someone online and just move to where she lives. You'd have to spend time getting to know her F2F first, and you can't just go to where she lives to do that.  Meet new friends where you are now.  See my articles "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" and "Where is Love"  for more help.  You can also see my books on Amazon.com

 

something has come over me and I can't let go

Dear Dr. Romance:

Me and my wife has been married for 3 months now and I'm afraid there is a major problem already.  A couple of months before we got married, my spouse had an affair, she admitted.  I thought that we could get through that alone since she deeply regretted the mistake and promised to work with me so I can get over it.  The only reason our relationship did not end there is because of our love for each other.  I never thought that I could forgive something like that, but I did.

The problem is, she lied to me about their status.  She told me that they were not interested in each other anymore and they don't call or speak to each other anymore, but they work together so I did not believe her.

Now, it's three months into the marriage and I have proof that she is still infatuated with this other guy, I found out that she is still calling him, hanging out with him, and God knows what else.  I have proof that she called him yesterday morning at 3 AM and wanted to go over, I was at work.

Now, I'm no fool, in my past I would not waste my time over someone like that, but now something has come over me and I can't let go.  If I confront her about this it will lead to a fight, then we will make up, apologize, and promise to work a little harder at this, it's happened before.

My problem is that deep down inside, I think it's over, but I can't deal with that, I really CAN'T.  I still want to try some more.  She keeps convincing me that she really loves me and she will try not to hurt me anymore.  She keeps doing things that makes me believe that she really is trying, we go out, have fun, is it our family (who are so proud of us and think that we are so meant for each other), every now and then we reflect on our wedding reception, watch the video, pictures, it was such a blast, everyone is calling it the wedding of the year.  I know for a fact that she really loves me and we really do have more than love.

I am reaching out to someone before something really drastic happens, I know it's possible, so I really need the help.  I'm an emotional wreck. I don't know what else to do so I plan to confront the guy soon.  I will do anything to save this marriage, I can't give up, I can't live without her, I really think we still have a chance.  PLEASE, I need someone to talk to, I don't know what to do...

Dr. Romance responds:

I suggest you not confront her, but negotiate with her.  Here's what you need to know.

1. Why did she marry you, if she's so enamored of him?  (a real question -- not a sarcastic one)
2.  Does she know what she wants, or is she too confused about her feelings to know?
3.  Can the two of you work together to reach a real agreement, one that you can actually keep?
(If she feels powerfully drawn to this guy, and can't resist -- as you can't resist her --  then working with him makes leaving him alone impossible)
4.  I strongly suggest you find a counselor (see my  "Guidelines for finding and using therapy wisely") This situation is pretty volatile, and I'm worried about the well-being of both of you.

If you mean it about doing "anything" to save the marriage,  then the most important thing to do is CALM DOWN.  The worst thing that will happen is the marriage will be over -- and you think that's the situation already, so there's nothing more to worry about.

If you get emotional, confront the guy, make a scene -- you could wind up in jail -- which wouldn't do a thing for you OR for your marriage.   The only thing you two can do that will work is talk calmly.  Unless you've got a fortune she's after, she probably married you because she loves you, as you say.  So, that's not too bad a reason.  It sounds as if she's a bit emotionally immature, and neither of you really thought about this enough before you got into it.  So, you have to back up and think about it now.

Should you two really be married to each other?  What is your marriage about?   If you can calm down and talk rationally about all the above questions, you'll eventually find out what you want to know, which is:  Does your wife really love you, and is she capable of forming a monogamous commitment?

Read my article: "Stupid Cupid" for more help. You might also my book, How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free

Voyage on the Amazon to Brazil. Part 1

DR. Romance writes: Richard and I had the great good fortune to travel on the Amazon River to the heart of Brazil.  I'm going to post about it periodically to share the journey with you.

Friday, March 27.

We got up in time for hotel breakfast, finished our packing, and waited for Henry to come get our bags. His cheerful face showed up right on time, and we went down to stand in the mob scene in the lobby, with people from three different cruises waiting for busses to the ship. It was the usual cattle call, but we were able to talk to several other people headed for the Pacific Princess. Our bus came and took us to the ship. We were early, so check-in was a breeze. Princess kept our passports,visas and Yellow Fever innoculation affadavits and gave us a receipt. Then we had our precious little black "cruise card" which is the key to the stateroom, an ID card for getting on and off the ship, and a credit card for buying things on the ship.

We found our cabin easily. The ship is small, less than 700 passengers, and very elegant. It was part of the Renaissance fleet before Princess acquired it, and it's noticeably more elegant than most Princess ships, which are always quite beautiful. Our cabin is a spacious 216 sq.feet, with a queen-sized bed and a little sofa and a desk, as well as a small balcony. We ate lunch in the elegant buffet upstairs, and had a quick nap in the room before being mustered for the lifeboat drill. Princess is by far the most civilized in these drills, and we got to sit comfortably in the showroom, practice putting on our life jackets, and holding our noses while we pretend to "walk, don't jump" overboard. Most ships make you stand very uncomfortably outside for the whole necessary but dreary business.

After the drill, we eagerly got back to our cabin to watch the sailaway from our balcony. There were four ships, the other three much larger (2,000 to 3,000 passengers) than ours, and we were third in line to leave. We watched the Celebrity sail out first, pulling around into the estuary, and giving three loud blasts on its horn as it left the bay and entered the Atlantic. Then, the huge barge-like Holland America Maasdaam backed out of the slip next to ours, made an amazing three-quarter turn, and sailed in the wake of the first ship, giving three very long blasts on its horn as it entered the Atlantic. When it was our turn, we were escorted by a Broward County Sheriff's speedboat, which honked loudly at some yachts in our way, and scattered them. We were also followed by a tugboat, which followed closely and probably was in radio contact with the Florida pilot who came on board to guide us out of the channel and into the great Atlantic. Now, we're sailing in choppy seas, rocking a bit side to side, and heading out for parts unknown (to me, anyway). We are off on our big adventure, and I'm very relieved to be here, luggage intact, beginning our exciting journey to Brazil. We have traveled many times to the Carribbean, but other than Ft. Lauderdale, every port on this trip will be new to me, and I'm very excited and looking forward to new adventures. Got to go now -- Richard and I are going to go ballroom dancing and to dinner.

later:

Dancing was pretty good -- a serviceable band, if not a grooving one. We danced for half an hour, stopped by the Internet cafe to sign up, and went down to dinner. There were three couples at our table for eight, and we really liked Ronit and Jacob, who are from Israel. She's an elementary school music teacher, and very animated, with excellent English. His English is not as good as hers, but he's friendly, and we got along well. The four of us decided to ask for a different table -- ours is too close to the engine, and it's difficult to talk over the engine noise. After dinner, we were too tired to do anything else, so we watched the news on CNN and drifted off to a sound sleep, rocked by the ship on the waves.