Dr. Romance Blog

Without Ego

Dr. Romance writes:  When  reading philosophical  teachings and writings, I often wonder why the body and the ego are seen so negatively, as if they somehow are antithetical to spirituality.  Although ego, body and mind are not all we are, each is part, an expression of the whole self, included in our precious gifts from God, the Universe, Life, Spirit. It would be as sensible to hate or degrade a mathematical problem given me by a teacher for learning purposes.  Of course I can be frustrated in my efforts to solve a difficult problem; that is merely an expression of my eagerness to achieve. How much easier on me, however, to enjoy the puzzle, to marvel at my reasoning processes and their growth and  development as I draw nearer, bit by bit, to the solution.  Even so, frustrated or not, I learn.

There  are  those of us who love school, and those who hate it. Nevertheless, we are all in school. And the ego, the mind and the body are our major learning tools.    Through them, we learn the concepts  of   attachment/detachment, freedom/responsibility, joy/pain, wisdom/ignorance. These concepts, once grasped and mastered, are our prerequisites for the next level of learning in which we are (perhaps)  freed of  body/ego  and introduced to new tools.

If I reject my body, my ego, or my so-called negative emotions, I am rejecting myself.  If I reject myself, I am rejecting a holy creation and gift.  If I reject or denigrate integral parts of my self, then I am split, dysfunctional, not whole, and not comfortable in my body and with my sense of self.  How much more joyful it is to regard my life as the finest Montessori School of all time, where the sandbox and mudpuddles offer learning experiences equally as rich and essential as do the books of poetry and lofty philosophy.

Without body:

We couldn’t enjoy the many sensory and sensual experiences of this life

We wouldn’t learn the invaluable lessons of getting obsessive about those experiences, and learning the self-control they teach us.

We would miss out on learning to love and cherish our brief moments on this planet, the fleeting nature of which is reflected back to us by the body’s aging process.

We wouldn’t be able to interact on a cellular level with the air, food, minerals, water, and the other beings, literally becoming one with the planet on a daily basis.

We would miss the powerful lessons we’re learning right now, that if we pollute our environment, we pollute ourselves – physically, emotionally and spiritually.

We would not have the viceral (gut) experiences of the physical components of our emotion – the hormonally driven ecstasy and agony of emotional joy and pain.

We’d miss out on so much of artistic expression – dance, the musical beat that originally was born of heartbeat, sound, light, color, poetry, theater and all the rest of that exuberance.

Without ego:

We’d  have no control over our emotions, and be battered around by them, like a ship in a stormy sea with no rudder.

We wouldn’t be able to protect ourselves against others’ emotions and feelings, and every little thing others said and did would cut us to the quick.

We wouldn’t be able to make plans and follow through to reach goals

We couldn’t keep ourselves going in a productive direction when obstacles come along

We’d have no sense of who we are, how we are the same or different from others, and we’d never learn the lessons of shared humanity.

As a psychologist, I seek to help people integrate all the components of ego, body, emotions, mind and spirit until they all work together in a healthy human way.  Perfection is not the goal – healthy living is.  When your body (with all its human flaws and imperfections) functions well, all its many cells, organs, hormones, fluids, muscles, bones, nerves and sinews cooperate and work together to help you experience and express your life.  When your body, mind, spirit, emotions – and yes, your ego -- work together, spirit doesn’t have to work against ego, ego doesn’t have to work against spirit, and there’s no internal fight – no struggle for supremacy, no inner denial or right/wrong battle.  Each component does its part, and all work together to help you become the most shining example of who you are.  That’s what the old gospel song about “this little light of mine” and “inner light” or “inner spirit” means – when all of who we are works together, we are free to be the best of who we were born to be.

When I think of my body with all its billion miracles and exquisitely effective methods of expression both conscious and unconscious; with all its components of which I approve and those for which I have enough self-denial to disapprove – I am suddenly reminded to regard my whole self (body, mind, spirit, emotions, and ego ) with the awe, gratitude, and gentleness I deserve.  I know I can count on all my component parts to help me through my lessons for when my body, my ego, or my feelings you insist I focus my attention I cannot deny them.

My Ego has a sharply focused viewpoint; boundless pride; a fine-tuned sensitivity to others' egos; and the ability to keep me focused: on my uniqueness  (often auto-interpreted as weirdness); my responsibility to me; and my essential human aloneness.  It is a precious, irreplaceable tool. When I can manage to see myself, not as a disparate collection of separate parts, but as an amazing, cohesive design of interconnected, finely designed components working smoothly together, I am filled with awe at the miracle of each one of us, myself included.  When I stop trying to resist, resent, overpower, deny or ignore parts of myself, and instead seek to help the whole human package be the best I can be, I find myself as peaceful and joyful as I have ever been.

I sense that when the time cones to exchange my body/ego for new tools, I will feel bereaved. Let me not waste a moment of this opportunity to learn with such companions as I may not know again, my ego, my emotions, and my body! (From It Ends with You © 2009 Tina B. Tessina)

 

He says that I am cheating on him, but I don't feel that way.

Dear Dr. Romance:
My boyfriend and I have been having problems in our relationship  lately because of of the time I spend in chat rooms.  I estimate that in  a 48 hour period I spend 8 hours chatting with my frieds.  He estimates that I spend 15 hours there.  One of his biggest problems is that the chat rooms are adult-xxx rooms, but for the most part I don't do the XXX stuff.  Only when we both agree do we get intimate.  He has caught me  doing it without him on occasion when I promised not to, and this is
a big part of the problem.

My position that he is the one who introduced me to this scene  and now that I love it he wants me to quit.  He feels that I am ignoring  him in favor of these other people and that he can't trust me anymore.   He says that I am cheating on him, but I don't feel that way.  I am just having fun with this.  I am popular here and get a lot of attention. It is a ego boost.

The whole issue goes way beyond what I've mentioned here.  It is  the whole progression of the situation.  In the two months that I've  been doing this, he feels that I have elevated my chat friends to the  same level that he has been for these last twelve years. 

What do you think we should do?  There must be a compromise that can be reached.

Dr.Romance Responds:

Well, telling him you wouldn't, and then doing it, is a big problem, isn't it?   Breaking the trust in your relationship creates a lot of problems.  I know how easy it is to spend lots of time online, but even 8 out of 48 hours sounds like too much to me.  It makes me think that the rest of your life lacks enough contact with realtime friends.Yes, the ego boost does feel good, but it won't replace your relationship if you lose it, so you need to put everything in perspective.   It sounds like you  two used to do this chatting together, and now you don't.  That's a big change in your agreement. 

If you're using the chat rooms to avoid problems in your relationship, you'll just make things worse.  I think you should consider going to couple counseling (with a sex-positive counselor) to work out a new agreement. The first thing I'd suggest is that you do a lot of the chatting together.  That way, no one has to worry about trust, because both of you will know what's going on.  Also, you need to reach some mutual agreements about what you're doing.  If he's acting like a policeman, and you're feeling that you have to hide out from him, that won't work either.

You must stop focusing on who's right or wrong, and start focusing on what will fix the problem
between you. You'll find my book, Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship very helpful for learning to negotiate agreements like this.

His moods are getting more and more unbearable to live with

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been married for almost four years to a man twelve years younger. We have a four-year-old son and we've been married almost four years.  My problem is I need to find a better way of dealing with my husband's bad moods. His moods are getting more and more unbearable to live with.  Occasionally I give in to that highly destructive self-indulgent urge to criticize my husband for it in the presence of our child, although when that happens I find a way for us to make up, apologize and/or show our enduring love (also in his presence) shortly thereafter. 

These days he is frequently in a very bad mood by the time he gets home. It is usually late as he works a day job and goes straight from there to working at getting his own business afloat.  I probably should ignore his moods, but when he's cold and unresponding (and even downright mean) to our son, my blood just boils.  I'm thinking "Thats the reward our son gets after waiting a miserably long week to get to spend some time with his dad.  And not once complaining, just waiting for his turn to be the
center of his dad's universe."

Our son has intermittently exhibited somewhat aggressive and combative behavior since he was a
toddler, usually in the form of play-acting.  Although he has noticeably improved and continues
improving his behavior, I feel at least part of this acting out is an attempt to get his father's
attention as well as a release of anger that builds up from such continuous frustration. He hardly
ever gets Charles' undivided attention.  It is extremely painful for me to observe.

This past week our son started pre-school.  His dad worked late nights the whole week, but he did manage to come home fairly early Friday evening.  Then he spent most of that time talking on the telephone, which left very little opportunity for meaningful conversation with our son.  That almost felt like a slap in the face, seeing how the boy had just reached one of those special markers in life, one which had been a rather difficult adjustment for him. and his dad was becoming more and more distant that evening; he was preoccupied with his favorite subject:  his business.

I  haven't really wanted to shake this cold feeling (hatred?) I have had toward my husband since that Friday night.  Whats really bothering me is that we have been discussing this particular problem since our son was a couple of months old.  He keeps promising to do better, to make it up to him, to us. The more he fails to keep promises, the more resigned I feel to accepting things the way they are.  Changing people is impossible, isn't it?  Shouldn't we allow people to be who they are and accept them as they are?  Those thoughts going on one side of my brain, the other side shouting an adamant "NO!  Our son needs more than that and he deserves more and I'm not going to accept less than what is required for his well-being."

It seems my husband was also emotionally abused as a child by his mother, who, when angry at him, would also ignore, shun and generally act as if he did not exist until she decided to acknowledge his existence once again.  He told me not long ago that when she would first treat him that way, it would upset him greatly, but that he eventually was able to control his feelings about her doing that and that soon he also became very good at using the same technique on his mother and others.  He admits he treats his own son the way he was treated as a child.  When we discuss this during normal, calm discussions, he says he feels he was treated too severely as a child.  On the other hand when he is in an agitated or disturbed mindframe (soon after having had a conflict or upset of some sort, he has frequently been known to say just the opposite regarding his feelings about how he was treated).

When I ask him how he felt at the time he was being treated that way, he responds that he hated it and that it was unfair.  And sometimes he will add something to the effect that "it worked so it must be all right."

Before I cloud the issue with excess detail, I suppose what I could use the most is any advice on dealing with this problem and also some techniques which might help me avoid arguing, criticizing and complaining (things I know not to do because they solve nothing).

If my husband's behavior sounds like he may suffer from some mild (or even not so mild) condition, disorder, etc., I would like a chance to learn about it in order to better deal with it and maybe even help him help himself.  Other things about his behavior that disturb me include having a persistently negative outlook about the world and life in general (negative comments seem to "pop" out before he has a chance to think a "good" thought; although he seems to make an effort at times to change to a positive comment.

He seems to think about himself or things related to him almost constantly. At the same time he seems to have a terribly low self esteem.  He obsessess about having a multi-million-dollar business one day and being self-made and self-sufficient.  Right now he has a low-paying job which makes him feel bad about himself.  He tends to shift blame for most mistakes to sources other than himself.To add to an already tense atmosphere in our house, my husband ordinarily goes to his second job before coming home and eating dinner, which means he is famished by that time.  He is unusually irritable at that stage of hunger. All I know is my little boy, who happens to be a very sensitive little guy, is crushed over and over again by his fathers lack of attention.

Something very disturbing to me happened tonight.  My husband was dozing on our bed.  I laid down beside him, put my arm around him, and he put his around me.  Like clockwork, before long, theres the kid plopping down in between the two of us.  My husband then turns on his back and completely ignores the child, clearly not thrilled  about the sudden threesomedom.  Whether or not the child's motive was to separate mom and dad (I think that irritates my husband), I feel is unimportant because obviously he is seeking companionship from his father at the same time. I would hazard a guess that it is precisely this unmet need for his fathers companionship that is creating some emotional turmoil in our child.

It feels like a vicious cycle/circle.  Boy wants dad, dad wants wife, wife wants vacation (just joking there).  Seriously, whats so disturbing to me is that it feels like my husband is craving my attention just as badly as our son is craving his father's.  I might understand that if I felt I ignored my husband to any degree, but I don't.  Quite the opposite is the case.  I basically am unable to ignore any human being, even if I tried.  He is a talker and he gets a lot of my attention.

Right now I am scared to death.  I am 40 pounds or more overweight.  I stopped exercising awhile back.  I started smoking again and desperately need to quit. I am consumed with guilt that I am risking my life like this when I need to be trying to add on years to my life if I want to be around so he wont lose the only emotionally available parent he's got.  Thinking like this makes me more nervous and fearful, and ultimately more depressed.  Which sometimes leads to heavier smoking and eating.  Thats what made me say "No more!"  I must ACT NOW.

My husband MUST take it to heart (internalize) that there are a few things a child simply cannot and should not have to lie without.  And that is because in order for him to grow up having a sense of self-worth, it is crucial that we are emotionally available to our son  on a regular basis.  In order to discipline effectively it is essential that you remember the love you have for your child first, then attempt to correct undesired behavior, with love for that child as your reference.

He requires us to show him consistently that we value him; that he is important to us (more important actually than anything else).

These are things that cannot wait; they cannot be done without or substituted or made up for.  When parents are not available to their child, when the child goes unheard, unnoticed or ignored, with each occurrence that soul is permanently and irreparably damaged to some degree.

I can no longer stand by and watch this happening to our family.  I am taking action.  Somebody, somehow, some way is going to get through to you.  

Dr. Romance responds:

I understand your frustration, but, as you said, getting angry isn't going to do any good. What you really need to do is find a substitute for his dad in your son's life.  Do you have a brother/father/ cousin who can take an interest in him?  Your husband needs a role model for fathering, and also a little motivation. Seeing some other man involved with his son (and make sure he sees it)  can do both.  If not, try getting a Big Brother for your son. 

You are not going to be able to push your spouse into doing what doesn't come naturally to him, what
he has no basis for understanding.  He obviously identifies with his work (as do many type-A men)and believes earning a living is sufficient. 
 
The effect of abuse in childhood is that the adult grows up to be unfeeling and withdrawn.  It is not something he does on purpose -- it's called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and it's an emotional dysfunction. It is not just going to go away because you tell him to change.  Your husband needs help, but he probably would not be willing to admit it.  I recommend you go to some Adult Children of Alcoholics ( ACoA) meetings, or get into therapy yourself, to learn about the problem and get support in working through it, because your husband will most likely not go on his own, due to his Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Your spouse would see low pay as a big problem, but he won't see lack of emotional expression or support as a problem.  He doesn't really acknowledge that emotional bonding is desirable, since he never experienced it.  The truth is, your son would be OK if his father were dead or gone.  He would still grow up to be a well-balanced man.  Yes, it would be ideal for him to have contact with his father, but there are other things that will give him what he needs.  Try not to make this a bigger problem than it really is. Stop holding out for Charles to do it, and go about finding the necessary substitutes.  Single mothers have to do this all the time.

Because of your husband's childhood issues, he can't get sufficient attention to meet his needs.  That's the disorder he has.  And he will  see your son as his rival for the affection he desperately needs, but at the same time can't let in.  Don't count on your husband "taking it to heart."   He is damaged, and the repairs needed are extensive.  You're better off seeking to replace what your son needs elsewhere, and take the pressure off yourself and your husband. He doesn't understand what it is to love, because he was not loved himself as a child, so you're trying to get blood out of a stone --no chance.  You are the one who has to see what's going on.  If you insist on your husband doing it, matters will just get worse.

So, you need some therapy to get yourself on an even keel before you can help either your son or your husband.  Try my article "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  To better understand your husband's issues read It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction 

Questioner later replies:

You are great!  Your answers were VERY HELPFUL. I was desperate and only wrote out of desperation, not even thinking I'd receive ANY answer, much less an answer that actually makes sense to me.

I have been reading about PTSD lately and did not even connect that disorder
to my husband.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I will remember how grateful I am when I do become financially able to pay for
some counseling/therapy.  I did about a year ago get the idea of "big
brothers."  I guess it is time. Love your advice!

I haven't even kissed a girl in ten years

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm not sure where to begin. I am single white male tall and stocky like a football player. My
problem is I'm to shy and I fail to respond when women come on to me It's like  I freeze up

I'm not out to get laid but to fall in love I fell in love once and it totally wasted me. I haven't even
kissed a girl in ten yrs if you believe that

When I was an alcoholic I had no inhibitions and it was no problem to meet women but I haven't
had a drink in ten yrs.  Now I'm sitting in the prison of Christianity and going nowhere Any advice would be appreciated

Dr. Romance responds:

There are two factors that contribute to your shyness.  One is that you never healed the hurt from
10 years ago, and you're afraid to open yourself up to being hurt again.

The other is that, when you make a huge change, like giving up alcohol, you have to re-learn how to
do life.  What ever age you were when you began drinking (I'm guessing early teens) is the
emotional age you are now, because drinking stopped you from learning for all those years.

Are you going to 12-step meetings?    If you are, that's a great place to learn with and from others
who understand, because they'e been there, too.  But, you're not going to learn unless you speak
up and let your meeting know what your problem is.  If you are in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), and you have a sponsor, your sponsor can help.

You need to mentally practice how to talk to women.  Watch movies, TV, and other people; and copy what the coolest men do.  Women will respond to you, you just have to know the techniques. 

Think of what you are doing as making friends, not beginning a new relationship.  That's too scary, when you don't even know the woman you're talking to.  If you focus on just making friends with women, you'll relax a little.  If a woman talks to you, and you freeze up, rehearse the scene later, when you're alone.  Instead of giving yourself a hard time, just practice what you could have said, and you'll find it easier to respond the next time.

In your imagination, go over every time a woman approached you, and figure out what you could
have done.  Practice in front of a mirror.   You'll find you feel more comfortable after you've practiced a while.

You need to do some work on your old hurt, and resolve it.  My book The Real 13th Step  has exercises and guidelines to help you.  You can read my article, "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" for help with dating.

I'm surprised that you find Christianity a prison.  It could be a fellowship, and a great resource for understanding people you can talk to, volunteer with, and get to know. 

Too modern for me

The Brontë Project: A Novel of Passion, Desire, and Good PR
by Jennifer Vandever

The Brontë Project: A Novel of Passion, Desire, and Good PR Vandever certainly knows a lot about Charlotte Bronte, her family and her life -- so I suspect the Bronte scholar part is somewhat autobiographical. Once I got into it, this brief story kept my interest, but it is ultimately disappointing. The modern sensibility of young people searching for happiness but unable to love or commit to anything annoys the heck out of me. There is nothing wrong with loving and being loved, with settling down and going deep with someone. It's life's greatest adventure, and it's trivialized here into silliness. This will certainly find its way to being a movie -- it's very visual, and it's just as dissatisfying as most modern movies are.   

 

I am monogamous and the person I'm involved with is polyamorous

Dear Dr. Romance

I am monogamous and the person I'm involved with is polyamorous.  We're currently discussing whether to continue the relationship or not, but if he does decide that he wants us to be partners, I'm going to insist that we go to a trained counselor/therapist to help us work out guidelines for the relationship.   My question to you is within your professional network, could you recommend anyone in my area we could go to?  And if not, could you advise me on how to find a therapist who is trained/knowledgable about the difficulties involved in polyamorous relationships?

Dr. Romance responds:

Counseling is a very good idea in your situation, because it's very important to get clear on the parameters and boundaries of your relationship.  To find a sex-positive counselor in your area, try the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex (SSSS) resource list  for a recommendation. You can also try any sex hotline that exists in your area, or even a suicide hotline (many people are suicidal because they feel unacceptable for their sexual preferences, so the hotlines know good sex postive counselors).  If all else fails, try a gay counselor. They're often more comfortable with alternative sexuality.  Whomever you try, interview them on the phone first -- to make sure the sessions will be about what you want them to be about, and not the counselor's problem with your lifestyle.  Read my article "Guidlines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" http://www.tinatessina.com/using_therapy.html.  For information on safer sex practices and alternative lifestyles, you might want to read my book: Gay Relationships for Men and Women: How to Find Them, How to Improve Them, How to Make Them Last. (Tarcher/Putnam)

 

What about my wife's job?

             
Dear Dr. Romance:

My wife has developed a connection with someone at work.  Can I ask her to give up her job? If the guy she works with is the source of her attention, would it not be better to take im out of the picture. If she doesn't see him at all wouldn't that help  her concentrate on 'us'.  It has been a month since we have been intimate, and this has been going on for almost two months. I am trying to be patient; is there anything I can use as encouragement to help me continue fighting for my family, for my wife.  Is there signs, from her, I can use to know if things are changing?

I am going to ask her to go to a marriage counselor. If she insists we don't need one, and that everything will work out...then what??

Dr. Romance replies:

Well, it's really time to begin talking to your wife (if it's not too late already).  A marriage can't survive on occasional time together.  You both need contact with each other.  It sounds like what happened is that she was used to being neglected, but now she's in an environment with other people who are giving her attention, communication and perhaps even affection. That's what you have to compete with.

DO NOT get upset and demand anything right now.  If you do, she will just get defensive and argue, or clam up and refuse to talk.  No matter how upset you are, you need to stay calm, let her know that you care about her, and invite her to talk to you.  What she probably needs to know is that you will listen to her without getting angry.    Let her know you're worried, you miss her, you want to fix any  problems the two of you have.

Begin there, and then if the two of you both still want the marriage to work, you'll probably  need some counseling.  This may be too big a problem to handle on your own. Read my article "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"  I understand why you want her to give up her job -- it's not a good idea to ask anything of  her right now.  It still sounds as if you're seeing all this as "her fault"  rather than the obvious result of a problem *both* of you have created. Your best bet is to search for where *you* have gone wrong, and look for ways to fix that.   If you make that effort, and find ways to make being with you as inviting as possible, you may find  that she volunteers to quit or do something else to increase your time together.  But, to push for  her to quit when she's having a better time at work than at home, is not likely to  work. Get yourself some help in seeing things more from her point of view, and a little less from your own.  My book, How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free can help you create a more functional relationship.

I have no support structure

Dear Dr. Romance: 

I am 48 years of age, never married but would definitely like to. I am doing the online dating thing for a while now and so far no success.  I am currently speaking to a gentleman who lives in another state; but given he is currently a pilot he feels bicoastal is a good thing for him.  I, of course, am open to it. However, it’s all still very new.  He is going to arrange to meet with me soon and take it from there.   Well, I know it's all talk let's see what happens now.

 

In any event, the primary reason why I am writing is because I get depressed, lonely and get feelings of hopelessness. Sometimes I feel as though what I am doing is a waste of time.  It really can be discouraging but I try my best to get on my feet.  I have no support structure.  My mother passed away five years ago and my father almost one year ago as well. Therefore, I basically have no family accept for a five year old niece that is currently in foster care about to be adopted.   I am strongly considering relocating.  This city has changed drastically since 9/11 and the cost of living has risen tremendously.  I think I can get more for the money elsewhere, but that is in the back of my head and remains to be seen.   I have a distant aunt who is discouraging and advices me to give up on the man thing since nothing works for me.  I am not ready to give up.  Although I admit it's discouraging I do have fun trying.   I am unhappy with work and basically have no friends.  Most of what I do to entertain myself I have to do alone and it takes the fun out of things.  It's good to have downtime but I have a bit too much.  There are times that I just don't know what do with myself, or even where to go as big as this city is.  There are but only so many museums you can go to and so many books you can read.   It really just comes down to wanting to be with someone. 

 

This gentleman named Bill the one I plan on meeting is 38 years of age and I am 48 years of age. He says he likes older women and does not want a family.  It works fine by now I can't have them he doesn't want them so it's all good.    What is your opinion on this?  I mean it is an 11 year age gap. 

 

I enjoyed reading your article on “The Colors of You” and it made me cry.  I am going to purchase some of your self help books but don't know which one yet.

 

 

Dr. Romance replies:

 

 I'm glad you liked "The Colors of You" -- I hope you read some of the other articles, too.  You need to get a life.  If you want to move from NYC, this would be a good time, since you haven't established any connections there, but take care in choosing where you want to life.  NYC has a lot to offer that smaller places just don't have.  Yes, it would be cheaper to live elsewhere, but it won't benefit you if you don't like the place. 

 

I don't think an 11 year age difference is something to worry about, and long distance relationships can work, but one relationship is not enough to fill up your life.  Find some group activities to join.  If you like museums, every one has classes, lectures, and group activities.  Find one you're interested in that has something people come to regularly, and begin going.  After a few sessions, you'll begin making connections with people, and friendships can grow from that. You won't find happiness until you find friends -- they make all the difference in your life. Please read my article "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends"

 

The two books of mine I'd recommend for you are The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 and The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty.  

 

 

 I think both would benefit you, if actually follow what they say. 

Resolving Inner Anarchy

Dr. Romance writes: Recent events have me thinking about political anarchy – riots, bombings, civil wars, threats, and other bad and dangerous behavior around the world. Politically, anarchy means obeying no laws. It’s frightening to watch a mob take over. Anarchy is the result of two things: repression and neglect. When people are economically and politically repressed, they become frustrated. When they are also ignored and neglected, negative forces are free to take over. This is how gangs and terrorist organizations take hold.

It’s a great metaphor for another kind of anarchy that happens much closer to home, which is a result of similar dynamics. When your feelings and thoughts are out of control and take over your thinking process, you can be gripped by inner anarchy. Depression, rage, anxiety attacks and addiction are all forms of inner anarchy. And they all result from repressing your feelings and neglecting to maintain your inner equilibrium. Milder forms of inner anarchy include saying things you don’t mean (but can’t take back) in the heat of an argument, the inability to accomplish what you want because of inner resistance, and out of control behaviors, such as drinking, spending or eating too much. We all have experienced these.

To calm down the inner anarchy, we must become aware of what’s going on inside, and learn to manage our thoughts and emotions. Acknowledging your feelings is more important than expressing them. Once you know what is going on with you emotionally, you can make a rational decision about how, when and where to express it to best effect. If you don't acknowledge your feelings, they can keep you stuck, and unable to let go. Faced and accepted, they can become an opportunity to change whatever needs to be changed, and to create a new opportunity.

The decision about whether or not to express your feelings in a given situation depends on what you want to accomplish, and how possible that is under the circumstances. For example, if you're angry, take some time to figure out that you're angry, why you're angry, and what it will take to fix it. Once you have that worked out, you can express all three of those facts, in a rational way, to the person you want to tell. Doing this gives you the best chance of getting your desired result. If you just react, and express your feelings helter-skelter, the situation is likely to escalate into a problem.

As a psychotherapist, I think jealousy, anger, envy, contempt, resentment and greed are useful, not ugly, emotions, but I know most people have trouble with them. Think of these emotions as the little lights on the dashboard of your car. When they light up, they're telling you something you need to know, to keep life running smoothly. By overcoming your "autophobia" -- fear of yourself -- and getting comfortable with your feelings, you can turn them from ugly to useful.

Contrary to what many of my clients believe when they first come to me, it's not that hard to learn to manage your emotions. Becoming autonomous, or self-regulating, means that you can do what you are supposed to do without being told by someone else. It could be as simple as getting yourself out of bed for work, cleaning your home, or as complicated as making sure your financial situation is stable. Inner anarchy is in charge when you don't do things until you're forced to, or you're late for work because you didn't hear your alarm clock.

You can learn to be emotionally responsive to yourself as well as to others, which means you can empathize and respond effectively to your own feelings. That is, you can be sympathetic and comforting to your own sadness, respectful of your own anger, reassuring of your own fear.

When you’re motivated, you have things you want to accomplish in life, and you have the energy to carry out your plans. For example, you want to do better, financially, so you get enthused about being more educated, and you go to school, complete your classes and get your degree. You don't have to fight yourself to do it, because you want the result. No one has to tell you to do it, because you’re self-regulating.

When you’re in control of your impulses, you don't have temper tantrums, drink too much, or let your other "animal impulses": (ie: greed, lust, gluttony, pride, rage, jealousy, etc.) take over. We all have negative impulses. The mature person has them under control, and can keep his or her life on an even keel. That is, you think before you react or respond. Inner anarchy exists if you’re getting drunk, raging, remaining in bad relationships "because I love him".

Self management is not difficult, once you understand it’s your responsibility. Many of us remain mystified about our inner thoughts and feelings, because we’ve never been taught to consult with ourselves before acting. Asking your own opinion about an issue, finding out what you think or feel about it, takes the pressure off you, and gives you the means and opportunity to decide how you’re going to act on what you think and feel.

You have to make some choices: Do you want to keep doing what you're doing, or do you want to learn self_control and have a life that works? Do you want to look good to your peers, or do you want to be successful? Do you want to be right, or be loved? In every case, learning to manage your feelings and act responsibly will get you more of what you want from life.

Inner anarchy will affect your relationships, too. Healthy relationships are built on a foundation, or infrastructure, of clear thinking, problem solving, and mutual support. I often ask my clients to stop and think about what they're doing in the middle of a fight, and ask them what they look like to themselves. They realize they sound and look like children fighting, and they're not making sense, even to themselves. Usually, neither partner would argue with the boss, colleagues at work, or a child's teacher the way you argue with each other. You have choices _ you don't have to argue with each other. Instead of acting like bickering children, use your grownup self_control to pull yourself out of the argument. Keep in mind that it doesn't matter who's right, who started it, or whether it's fair. He (or she) who "loses it", loses everything.

Learning to be patient and remain calm also reduces and relieves stress. Cultivating patience is really learning impulse control: Learn how to do "emotional maintenance" and shake off stress; How to quit when something is getting to you. It's an issue in self_control. Research shows that happiness and satisfaction depend more on the inner person than on external circumstances. The secret to living a less stressed existence is to get in charge of your feelings and thoughts. Then you can build the life you want. (Adapted From It Ends With You) © 2009 Tina B. Tessina