DR. Romance Blog

AA only goes so far

Dear Dr. Romance 

I am 13 years sober through the 12 steps of  AA, but I haven't been to more than one meeting in the last 2 years, after making 3 a  day for the 1st yr. and averaging 5 a week for the next 4 years! AA only goes so far. They do not tell you that. If you are still feeling "crazy" after a few years you are  accused of not working the steps, reading the book or going to meetings. It takes a dysfunctional person a long time to figure this stuff out on his own... that is, that he (me)  needs serious outside help (on the inside job).

I am a Sila grad and have most of Shakti's tapes/books (and Deepak's, too-all of these I have worked unrelentlessly, but  I'm still attracting horrid people and events and I am not moving foreward!!!) but, I  believe I have been paving a solution for a while. 

I was really glad to find your book, The Real Thirteenth Step I will work on the exercises in your book: I like the "committee," and the trouble spot exercises best.  I wanted most of all to tell you  how profoundly your discussion on not being able to think clearly due to all the  different voices in my head being in conflict has had on me. I never made it to a university degree and I always thought there was something wrong with me that I couldn't, (although now I see  it was quite an acomplishment to have completed 86 units (hours) of 120 for a BS).   I believe I have a wonderful and creative mind, but I am  running out of time. I'm now 47...

Dr. Romance replies:

I'm glad my book is helping.  It sounds as though you are doing good work, so keep it up. AA is a big help in the beginning, but you're right, they don't cover everything.  You have accomplished a lot, and you can learn everything you still need to know. Don't forget to give yourself credit.  I know AA is afraid of grandiosity, and reluctant to give credit for accomplishment -- but you need to understand the difference between false pride and real pride.

You're right, you need objective information and advice from someone who is trained and really knows the difference.  Try reading my article "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" The major key is developing your relationship to you, for which you had very dysfunctional models.  when you get that going well, you'll have more objectivity about your own actions, and how others are treating you.  It's a relief to finally understand what's wrong, isn't it?

Getting most of a degree is an accomplishment to be proud of.  If you can do that, you can do whatever you want.  It's a lot easier, however, when you're working with yourself, fighting yourself. See the article "Winning the War Within" for more information.

You're not so old, it's never too late, you know.  You can still have a happy and productive life.  Keep doing what you're doing, and it will work.

I have been feeling lonley since high school

Dear Dr. Romance:

I am 23 years old. I have been feeling lonely since high school and recently, its been getting worse. I feel like I can't have really close relationships with women and yet that is what I crave most right now. I recently cut off a friendship of 5 years because my "friend" was selfish and didn't really care about me. I have been making plans with friends, for instance last weekend, I went with a few friends to Santa Barbara on a batchelorette party. And I talk to/am acquainted with quite a few girls with whom I can socialize, make plans, hang out, but I don't feel really close to them. I really want to meet a few girls that will be my best friends, and hang out with me often, take trips together, etc. But once I establish contact with a girl and we start going out together, it doesn't seem like we can ever get it to that next "best friend" level.

A little bit of background: I don't smoke or drink alcohol and its not a religious thing, so I feel that to a certain degree that has impaired my ability to become close with others. As you no doubt know, most people in our society, most of which are my age, partake in the supposed  pleasure of alcohol. They do stupid stuff, and they bond over it, while I am left out. This has wreaked  havoc for me in the friendship department in college. I enjoy going out dancing, but because I don't drink, none of my friends who do really invite me out, its always me who has to do the inviting.

The people that do hang out with me perceive me, as best as I can tell, to be interesting, and fun,
etc. But for some reason, we cant connect on that deeper level. Can you help me?

Dr. Romance responds:

I'm sorry you're feeling lonely.  Perhaps you're choosing the wrong crowd with whom to seek friendship.  A bachelorette party, by definition, will probably involve drinking, as will dancing.  It sounds as if you're doing OK meeting new friends, but if you want the people you meet to be capable of deeper friendships, you need to stay away from the drinking crowd.  Find a study group, sports club, political club, music group, hobby group or book club within your school  in which to meet new friends.  If the group isn't centered around partying, you'll be much more successful.  Try my article, "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" at.  You'll also benefit from the chapter on making  friends in  The 10 Smartest Decisions A Woman Can Make Before 40

He Was Never That Into Me

Dear Dr. Romance:

I divorced my best friend of 13 years this past January. I'm having a hard time moving on... Let me very clear...over the past 13 years of our marriage..we were never sexually compatible...he was never that into me...I had an affair and I am still seeing that 'guy'... I do not want to give up my friendship w/ my ex... It's really affecting me...emotionally... Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated...

Dr. Romance Replies:

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.  Who says you have to give up your friendship with your ex? It sounds like it was always a friendship, not much of a marriage.  Is your current partner jealous (it's pretty standard not to trust someone who was cheating on her husband)? Or does the ex not want to be friends? 

Either way, the best way to go about being friends with an ex is to include the new partner in the friendship. This may be difficult, since your new partnership was an affair.  I'd suggest you talk frankly with both men, if that's possible, and see if you can work out a situation with boundaries that control the problems.  For example, promise (and mean it) your new partner that you won't be alone with the ex in private, only in public.  That way, you can go to lunch, but not be together in tempting situations, or scenarios that would make your partner jealous. 

Find out what was wrong with your sexual relationship with your ex.  Thirteen years is a long time to be married without sex.  Is he gay?  Maybe he has friends on the side, too.  op trying to guess what each man is thinking, and ask them.

Read my article "Asking for What You Want" It will help you clear up the mysteries here.  And good luck.

You Be The Judge

Dr. Romance writes: As I write this, Congress is struggling with the stimulus package.  They have to use their best judgement about what will positively impact our economy.  But there’s a kind of judgement that impacts each of our lives in a much more intimate and subtle way. The judgements we have about ourselves and others, and those we use to select a mate.

In my therapy practice, I witness a lot of confusion about the proper role of judgement in life and relationships. Often, when I ask clients to analyze whether a person they’re dating has good character, they tell me they don’t want to be judgmental. People in twelve step programs say they don’t want to "take the other person’s inventory." But being judgmental (that is, critical of what others do, what they weigh, how they dress, their education, financial status or ethnic background) is not the same as having judgement or discernment about the character of people who are about to become deeply involved in your life.

Far too many of the relationship disasters that cause clients to come and see me are caused by poor judgement about people. Somehow, clients seem to have taken way too seriously the idea that we aren’t supposed to think badly of people. Instead of using good judgement about whether to allow someone in their lives, they make excuses and feel responsible. Recently, I was talking to a client whose boyfriend has been brutal to her. She would like to move on, but she feels she has to take care of him. A male client has been enduring bad behavior and temper tantrums on the part of his lady friend for years, and still wonders if he can make the relationship work. These cases, and many more like them, require more realistic thinking, evaluation, and yes, judgment, of whether the other person is a good candidate as a partner for building a life and a relationship.

If you want to do rescue work, get a license as a nurse, social worker, emergency medical technician or volunteer to help those who need it. If you do, you’ll find out that these workers are compassionate, yes, but also tough. They see exactly what they’re dealing with, and they do what’s necessary to really help, not to prolong the problem, or bring them into their personal lives. They, too have to use judgement.

Love has a much better chance to be realized if you make some of your choices mentally, as well as by emotional attachment and chemistry. Choose commitments both with the "parent" or judgmental, evaluating, critical thinking method; and the "child" or romantic, turned on, chemistry method. I call this choosing from the neck up, as well as from the neck down. You’ll use better judgment if you think of matchmaking for yourself. You can think like a matchmaker (or a hard_ to_please parent), when considering commitment. The Mirriam _Webster Online Dictionary defines judgment as "the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing." Take time out from your excitement and evaluate your match, using the components of judgement: think, observe, evaluate, ask, remember, experiment, speculate and empathize.

* Make sure you’re thinking and not just feeling – don’t let your emotions overrule your careful consideration of whether this is working.

* Observe the other person, how you are together, what’s working, what’s not. Pay attention! You’re deciding your future happiness, and you have to gather the facts to make the decision.

* Ask questions out loud, don’t just guess at your partner’s motivation and feelings. The two of you need to be able to discuss your thoughts, feelings, and ideas about the relationship and the partnership decisions you’ll be making. Both of you must be able to listen to each other, and not just react.

* Take some time to evaluate what’s happening in the relationship, does it feel like you’re creating a good future together?

* Remember what’s happened, the good and the bad – don’t gloss over abuse, irresponsible behavior or disrespect. If you think any of those are happening, you must discuss it, and if it doesn’t change, it’s time to leave. Remembering the good things will help you have a balanced idea of the overall value of the relationship.

* Experiment with problem_solving, working through situations where you disagree, trying new things you haven’t done together.

* Speculate, by yourself and together, about how you’d handle some of the situations you’ll face in the future, such as child rearing, finances, illness, big job changes.

* Empathize by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, not just to make excuses, but to really understand what may be going on.

Selecting a partner who is really capable of loving and being responsible in the relationship is more than half the battle. Choosing an immature, irresponsible partner may mean that, no matter what you do, the relationship won’t work. Using judgment, rather than being judgmental, and thinking with your head and not just your heart will help you make a good choice of partner – and there’s nothing more fulfilling than a life of successful partnership and cooperation.

(Adapted from It Ends With You - New Page Books) © 2006 Tina B. Tessina

A Valentine: 10 Questions for Dr. Romance

On her Ask Wendy blog,  fellow author Wendy Burt-Thomas interviews Dr. Romance.  It's a lovely present for Valentine's day.

2. How did you get started as a writer?

I came through the back door.  A colleague and I were teaching a class in 1975 called “How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free” and we wrote a manual for it, which later became a best-selling book, published in 1980.  The third edition was published in 2003, and is still in print and selling.  Since then, I’ve written 13 books, published in 16 languages by 11 different publishers.

3. What does a typical day look like for you?

Every day, I spend from 11:00 to about 12:30 doing interviews, answering e-mail and the phone.  Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I see clients, from 1:00 to 9:00 PM.  The rest of the week, I write and work on my online columns, blog and other projects.  Evenings and most of the weekend I spend with my husband.  We are both self-employed, and we like to travel a lot.  We both love our work, so instead of retiring, we are working less and traveling more.

4. Describe your desk/workspace.

Two rooms and a bathroom in my home are devoted to my businesses.  One room is a counseling office, the bathroom is between, and the second room is my writing office.  In there, I have a corner desk with a desktop computer.  My office is lined with Ikea glass-door cabinets and file drawers.  My secretary also has a small desk in there. She only works 4 hours a week.  I also have a laptop on a small rolling table that I can use in the living room to write while my husband and I watch TV.  (see more)

Getting over a hurt heart

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm a 32 yr old man who is lost when it comes to relationships. I just had a chance with a nice woman which I subconsciously messed up. I didn't accept her for who she was . I was controlling, verbally abusive, and not compassionate with her. The thing is I don't know why I did this. My mother was never really in relationship after she divorced my father. I would ask her different things about women but she would give  me vague answers. I learned about women in the streets. I was taught that women will get over on you if they can. Also I was taught that if women  were to respect me I had to control them. I don't wanna be like this though  but it's ingrained in me. I don't have money for a psychologist but I need  help -- where do I go?

Dr. Romance replies:

You're right. Your belief system is toxic, and won't lead to successful  relationships.  Love is not about controlling the other person, it is about developing a partnership that works.  To find therapy you can afford, try my article "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" which will help you find the help you need.  "What is a Dysfunctional Relationship" will help you understand what is confusing about relationships, and my book, How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free will help you create a new model of relationship.

 

I catch him looking at me with passion in his eyes

Dear Dr. Romance:

As a woman in my early twenties, I am finding it hard to get over a man with whom i have  been
in love with for 5 years. He is married now to another woman and they are about to have their
first child.

Seven years ago, I moved to a new city, and joined a church choir and that is where i met this man.
We are in the same choir group and he gives me  and some other choir members car ride every
Saturday and Sunday to church.

I never initially had feelings for him. I was 17 years old and he was 24 years old. He is such a
really nice guy and i had a little crush on him then when i was 18 years old. I think he did not say
anything to me about his feelings because i was underage then at 17. But when i turned 18 or 19 i
believe, he gave me a birthday card and in it, he implied that he had feelings for me. I did not
know how to take it but ignored it at first because i found out that he was engaged to another in our same church. He later introduced me to her in the car when we were all going to church on a Sunday.

I ignored what he wrote in the card for some time  since he was engaged and acted as if i did not
understand what he meant in the card- that he had feelings for me. But over the years though, i
started to realize that i was falling in love with him. Because he treated me so well with respect
and lots of care. I could not help but fall in love with him. The problem was that he was engaged.
I was careful not to have any romantic relationship with him because of my morals and self
respect. I remained friends with him - after all i could not escape him or avoid him, we go to the
same church and he chatted with me on msn almost everyday.

The thing is that i did not let him know that i had feelings for him too or that i was in love with
him because i knew he was engaged. That was what held me back. If he was single, i would ave told him. So we stayed friends. But i knew deep inside that he cares for me alot too.

Things were going well until 2 years ago when he told me he was getting married. For some reason i was heartbroken, i cried that night. Till today i do not understand why i cried. I think it is because at the back of my mind, i was holding on to the hope that one way or the other we would end up together.

To make things worse, the night before his wedding, he told me that he had to get something out
of his chest and told me that He Loves Me. I was so bitter that night. I felt so bad. He knew that the feelings were mutual. I was so mad at him at first for telling me that he loved me the night before his wedding of all nights. I wondered why are you marrying this woman. If you love me so much, why don't you want to be in a committed relationship with me.

The truth of the matter is  that i wished i was the one he was getting married to and not his fiancee. I was so mad at him for telling me that he loved me the night before his wedding. I felt like i was unwanted like she is better than me. Like I was not worth his committed love or spending the rest of his life with. I was invited to the wedding, went to the wedding, endured it and wished him happiness in his married life.

But the struggle continued within. He still loves me and i still love him. I tried so hard to get  over
him. To told myself to just be his friend as i have been and be happy for the decision he made. But it is hard still. How do i fall out of love. I had fallen in love with him. I wish i did not. I did not plan to fall in love with him, it was something that happened gradually over the years. Now i am the one that is hurt. He seems happy in his marriage but sometimes i catch him looking at me with passion in his eyes. When i even avoid him for weeks by not chatting with him online or calling him, he gets hurt too and feel like i am trying to stop our friendship. We had tried to have closure and talk things out but there is never a final resolution or anything.

The problem is that i am still in love with him but i will never never in my life have an affair with a married man. I have such strong morals, value and respect for God. So i know i can never be with him.

Its so bad that sometimes i get so jealous when i see him with his wife. I even compare myself  to her asking myself, how is she better than me. Trust me Judith, the way this man showed his feelings and care to me, he made it seem like he wanted me to be his life partner- the love of his life...etc and so i felt lead on by him.

A few days ago, he told me that his wife is pregnant and they are going to have a baby. I ongratulated him. I am happy for them. But for some reason i cried. In my mind i was like, it  is over. I felt a little sadness.

Please help. I really want to get over this man. I am sick and tired of feeling hurt over a man i will never have. I want my heart to move one. Right now i am single and i think that is even making things worse. I want to find a man who deserves me and will treat me with love and respect. A man i can love back. A man who will not be ashamed to spend the rest of his life  with me. Because the situation  made me feel like i was not good enough for him and that is why i found myself comparing myself to his wife.

How do i get over this man??? That is my big problem. I even got mad at myself for feeling  sad when he told me that he and his wife are having a child. I am truly happy for them. But i am  still hurt. I need to get over my wounds at heart.

Sometimes i blame the man and myself. I blame him for leading me on and making me fall in love with him when he did not really have any plan of being with me or even spending the rest of his life with me. I blame myself for falling in love with him. I did not intend to but things happen.

I need to get over him in my heart not just in my head. He is making it hard for me still  because
he is still in love with me. He even told me that once he thought that he made the wrong  choice
of marrying his wife. He told me that he thought that when he got married that he would forget
about me but he did not. And went to the far extent of telling me that at one time when he was
still engaged to his wife that he loved me more than her.

I don't want to feel bitter no more when ever i see him with his wife and soon his child. I don't want to continue to say that i wish i was in his wife's shoes (being the wife and having children with him).  I want to get over him forever. They say time heals wounds. I don't know how effective that is. Trust me i have prayed and prayed for God to help me get over him. I have tried to get over him by my own ability of avoiding him but it does not help. I think once one falls in love with a person, it is hard to get over them or fall out of love.  True love can never be  gotten over  i thought. Even though I truly love this man, i want to get over him and love him as a friend only and not as a lover.

Please do you have any advice or words of wisdom?  I need to know what to do to get over him in my heart and live a fulfilled life. I have come to a final conclusion that i can never have him ever since he got married and now having a child. I have accepted that reality.

But now, i want my heart to let go of him. I will keep praying for God to give me the strength to move on.

Dr. Romance responds:

Do you see what a dishonorable man this is?  Why is he messing with you when he's married to someone else?  He would probably do the same thing to you if you married him --  he'd flirt with other women.  This is not a good man.  He's using you for his own satisfaction, and doesn't care that he's being hurtful.  You are right to think you must let go of him.  Maybe you'll need to go to a different church to be rid of him.  Don't ride with him, don't talk to him, don't be friends with him.  You are addicted to this man, and it's preventing you from having real love in your life.  Get away from him and his wife, don't associate with him, don't talk to him.  Make  a clean break.  Use my article "How to Write a Love Letter" as an exercise. It's not a letter to send, but a letter to get out your feelings.  Then, read the article "Letting Go Takes Love" and the article "Where is Love?"    You are making yourself miserable by obssessing on this man.  You think you care more about him than you do about yourself.  That is backward.  Do whatever you have to do to let go.  Find a Codependents Anonymous meeting and go.  The people there will help you change your focus.  Please, don't let this go on any longer. 

I Cry upon a disagreement

Dear Dr. Romance:

Your article on "fighting fair" is wonderful!!!  My major issue is that I cry upon a disagreement. This prevents me to think clearly, act maturely and interact directly. Would you please address this issue?

Dr. Romance responds:

Thank you for the complement. I'm glad you liked the article. Crying on disagreement is probably something you learned as a small child -- it most likely prevented people from being harsh with you.  However, it won't work in adult life.  Try reading my article "Comforting the Little  Orphan Girl". You could also fix this problem by reading my book: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction . It has specific exercises for getting you in touch with the childhood area of your brain, and remaining in your adult when under stress. Best of luck with your relationship.

 

Helpful, Sensible, Smart

				Pressured Parents, Stressed-out Kids: Dealing With Competition While Raising a Successful Child by Wendy S. Grolnick, Kathy Seal
As a therapist in private practice, I deal with many stressed-out parents who are worn out, frantically trying to raise children who can compete. They've bought the myth that they need to micromanage their children. Grolnick and Seal have written a wonderful antidote for these parents. I especially like Chapter 10: "Calming Down," because it gives these parents sensible and practical help in achieving the calm they need to follow the advice in the rest of the book. Well done, authors. I'm going to recommend it to the parents in my practice.