Dr. Romance Blog

Dating the Younger Vixen

Dear Dr. Romance:
I read your article onthe nine tips of dating an older woman and found them to absolutely be
brilliant. I'm wondering though since I'm dating a younger woman, what tips you have on dealing
with that. Thanks. Any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

Dr. Romance Responds:

I have seen many relationships succeed with this kind of older man/younger woman scenario.  What counts is how well you two can form a  partnership or team that works.  These relationships can last --  it's not age that makes the difference, but how well the couple build trust, partnership and a life together.

Age difference is an adolescent worry: when you're a teenager, an age  difference of 10 or  more
years makes a vast difference in your   experience  and your outlook on life.  Such a  difference
can interfere with  communication, life goals, outlook, and relationship experience.  In   addition,
the social reaction to such a relationship is often very  negative.  If one partner is underage, a
sexual relationship is even  against the law.  But, as we get older, life experience and emotional  growth  even things out.  A ten-year or more difference in your ages   makes  little difference in how well you can conduct your  relationship.   Don't  focus on an arbitrary numbers difference in your ages. If you are getting  along, you have good communication and problem-solving, and you love each other, that's a precious thing, and far more important than any age  difference could be. If other people have a problem with it, let it be  their problem. To improve any relationship, read "Relating with Love"

(c 2009 Tina B. Tessina) (From: The Unofficial Guide To Dating Again)

The Black Widow

Dear Dr. Romance:
Thank you for your recent article about women wanting to date younger men.  I am a fortysomething woman whose fiance' died in my arms of heart failure three years ago. He was in his late sixties. Then I dated an ex-pro athlete who had a stroke and lost the use of his left side. My concern is that men are taking Viagra and other medications to enhance their sexual performance without checking with their physicians first. Often times these enhancers leave the man impotent or worse. I have to carry these memories around like airport baggage for the rest of my life and my sisters are now calling me 'The Black Widow'.

I want to date younger men because I now have this fear that every man I date will drop dead on
me. No, I am not an older woman trying to maintain my youth through dating younger men, I'm
just trying to avoid visiting my dates in the hospital. Again, thank you for pointing out an older woman's perspective.

Dr Romance responds:
I'm sorry for your losses. It would be nice if love followed rules, but I'm afraid it doesn't, and if you're attracted to a younger man, it might work; but you could find yourself attracted to another older man, too.   You might find my article "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" will help you heal and face the future with more hope.
 

I'm afraid of an unsuccessful "goose chase"

Hi Dr. Romance:

I have been very hesitant to contact a marriage counselor because of bad experiences I have heard about from others.  If you were in my part of the country, how would you go about seeking out and selecting one?  I have not even begun to look for fear this would be an unsuccessful "goose chase".  Thanks.

Dr. Romance responds:

There are good and bad counselors, just as there are good and bad plumbers and lawyers.  See if
you can find a friend who's had a good experience. Also, read my article: "Guidelines for Finding
and Using Therapy Wisely" It doesn't matter where you live -- the article shows you  Internet sites you can search to find a reputable and effective therapist.

At First Sight: Intuition or Inner knowing

Dr. Romance writes: When I met Richard , my husband, October 10, 1981, he was sitting outside, and the sun was glinting off his red hair, and my whole body and soul said "wow!"   Twenty-seven years later, we’re still happy.  It turned out to be a lasting love at first sight. How did I know?  

I didn’t.  It’s a lovely story, and all true, but it leaves out some important facts.  The truth is that I felt that "wow!" to one degree or another for many guys while I was single. The difference is that with Richard, everything progressed pretty seamlessly from that first day until marriage. He turned out to be a good guy, our chemistry worked, and (with considerable work) we learned how to create a lasting, loving partnership.   Today, we still feel happy and blessed.

Our very good luck in having "love at first sight" came true only in hindsight.  No one really knows at the beginning.  Still, that initial flash of insight did exist, and was part of what later developed into lasting love.

I trust my intuition in many ways.  If I'm thinking of someone, I call.  Sometimes, that person was hoping I would.  Once or twice, as I've picked up the phone to call, the friend I was calling was already on the line, and the phone hadn't even rung yet.  At times people call me, and I say "You got my message" because I was just thinking of calling them. 

Intuition and empathy are basic tools for a good psychotherapist.  In my sessions, I  pay attention to get the meta- communication --  the things clients aren't saying verbally – to help my clients clarify and solve their problems.  I have operated on my intuition, balanced by rational thought, all my life, and it's led me to living a life that is all one piece, blending work, home and relationships, and that  has meaning and joy for me.  It also helps me help my clients learn to use their own intuition.

Intuition is not as magical or mysterious as it sounds.  It's a mental tool that uses our perception of things that may not be obvious otherwise, such as someone’s facial expressions, pheromones (subliminal scent cues), past behavior and "vibes" to give us an impression we could not get on a rational level.  Trusting intuition and giving yourself a chance to check it opens up your receiving process -- you become more aware of what's coming your way, and can be open to  it.  Previously in this blog, I’ve explained "preparatory set" a tool our brains use to sort through all the overwhelming data coming  in every moment, and filter out what you don't want to see, and highlight what you do want to see.  This means that when you are open to getting intuitive info, you'll  find it.  Both the positive and negative opportunities and choices are around us all the  time.  Our expectations and perception determine which options we notice most readily.

With my therapy clients, I often trust my intuition about what they're thinking, but I am also aware I'm getting clues or "vibes" from them, which my subconscious is interpreting -- and it's pretty accurate.  Clients are often astounded that I seem to know what they're thinking, but it's not  magic -- it's just one more amazing emotional/psychological/mental skill we all have, that my training and experience have fine tuned.  The mind, if we relax and trust it, truly has some miraculous abilities.

Intuitive expertise becomes really valuable when you’re looking for love.  Use your intuition to tell if someone is lying – simply go slowly and check the person out as you go along.   If you become aware that you are uncomfortable or afraid in someone’s presence, that’s your intuitive early warning system – pay very close attention and find out what is causing your negative reaction.   If you take the time to get to know a new potential date, you’ll have a chance to check out the validity of both positive and negative intuition,.  By keeping the relationship in the "friends" category, you will know more about the person before taking risks.  If you feel pressured to go faster, see this as a warning.   Begin getting to know a new person in group settings.  By meeting people in safe venues and groups, you automatically begin as friends, and know more about your date before you begin dating. You also get the benefit of your other friends' reactions to your potential date – pay attention to their feedback, they could be right.  Don't let attraction overrule your common sense.  Your libido can't tell an ax murderer from a saint; but your intuition, backed up by rational thought, can.   Look for integrity  make sure your date walks his or her talk. Anyone can talk big. Actually, some of the best people don't present themselves well  don't overlook someone who is not gorgeous, charming and glib, but has all the qualities you really value.

Your intuition by itself may not be magic, but when you use it wisely, it can help make your dreams come true. (Adapted from It Ends with You) © 2009 Tina B. Tessina

  

A Joyful Day!

I had such a wonderful birthday party on Sunday, I just had to share it with you. I invited my favorite lady friends to share tea with me at the Vintage Tea Leaf, which is owned and operated by my dear friend Miss Beverly , Tea Mistress extraordinaire. 

Sevn of my favorite, powerful women friends were there:

Maggie, my friend for 40 years, as of 2008, who is my "sister of the heart" and who runs The Business Women, a bookkeeping service we ran together back in the 70's, when I was putting myself through school to get licensed, and which she has made all her own since I moved on to private practice in 1978.

Sylvia, who has just retired from an illustrious career as a court officer and MSW, advocating for children and families, and my dear friend since 1984.

Robin, who has her own business negotiating on behalf of City Workers unions.

Marlene, retired from administrating a magnet school in Cerritos, and now traveling the world and visiting her far-flung grandchildren.

Barbara, author of Pen on Fire:A busy Woman's Guide to Igniting the Fire Within, renowned writing teacher, journalist and editor of The ASJA Monthly, a magazine for professional journalists from the  American Society of Journalists and Authors, and host of KUCI's Writers on Writing radio show.

Candice, renowned artist in Neon

and the piece-de-resistance, Sheri, accomplished hypnotherapist, teacher at LBCC, roller derby doll, and blogger, who took pictures and wrote a fabulous birthday blog:

http://sherizampelli.com/blog/2009/01/tea-time-with-tina-tessina/

Join the party via her pictures and fun comments. 

I returned home from this fabulous shindig to a house full of cards and flowers, from my husband and my dear friend, the renowned Isadora, of Ask Isadora fame.

I am so honored and proud to call all of these powerful and playful women my friends.  The birthday wish I'm telling (the other one's a secret) is to wish that every women would celebrate herself and her friends, and realize that every passing year is an opportunity to store up treasures in her heart.

The problem with women is men?

Charles Orlando, a very smart married guy, has written a book called The Problem With Women.... is Men: the evolution of a man's man to a man of higher consciousness

He describes himself as "desperately in love with his wife, son and daughter" in short, a dedicated family man.  In the introduction, he states clearly that he's not a relationship expert, but has learned from his own life, in which "Truth be told, I do come from the shadier side of romantic relationships...Over time, I finally realized that, yes... I had chosen the path to sex... not to love, trust sharing and intimacy.   Men -- in all their remote-clicking, control-hoarding, unkempt-hair wearing glory -- need to rise from their passive-aggressive/mixed message sending ashes, and answer the call of the woman in their lives... a call for understanding, listening, support, happiness... and equality"  How refreshing is that? 

"To add insult to injury," Orlando writes "my newfound views had led some people (including long-time friends) to wonder what my "label" was"  His friends thought he must be gay.  "I mean, since when does actively listening to your wife and being dedicated to her success and happiness equate to homosexuality?" 

 

Reading this made me laugh out loud, and reminded Dr. Romance of the saying "all the good men are married -- or gay" often expressed by women.  So, Charles and I are having a dialog on our respective blogs.  You can read his side of the interchange here:  http://www.theproblemismen.com/tpwwim-home/2009/1/12/all-good-men-are-married-or-gay-uh-no.html  

I don't think all the trouble is with men (I'll bet Charles doesn't either.)    To be successful at marriage, couples need to train each other.  Women don't take good care of themselves, and they often live in a fantasy world, hoping for Prince Charming instead of teaching the guy they've got how to be a good partner without nagging and complaining.  I think everybody needs to grow up a bit to have a successful relationship.  I heard recently that some research shows that 10% of couples maintain their emotional connection for life.  The report made it sound like a given, as if it were genetic; but I think it's all in the attitude and skills.  My husband, Richard, and I could be very lucky to be in that 10% (27 years and counting,)  but I believe it's because we both learned from previous marriages, we had good grounding as kids, and we want to be good to each other.  So we have grown up together in many ways.  We have learned to be patient and kind with each other, to respect each other’s point of view.  We have also learned the incredibly useful skill of not participating in the other’s bad moods, or cranky moments. 

Every day, I have the delight and privilege of loving a real, human, fallible man.  We’re now senior citizens, he’s losing hair, I’ve gained weight.  But, after 27 years, we have fused our hearts and souls, if not our personalities.  He clearly loves me, though I often frustrate him, and I am grateful for his presence in my life on a daily basis.  Our sex life is lovely, thank you, even if it doesn’t match cyber-fantasies.  We laugh together, we share the struggles of life together, and the thought that he might die before I do fills me with dread.  All the fantasy men in the world couldn’t replace my very own, live and kicking, formerly red-haired leprechaun.  It took me 37 years to find him, and I’m not about to replace him with so-called “perfection”.

The good life is not about getting exactly what you want; it’s about growing your soul. 

The only way I know to develop my soul is through feelings.   Awe at natural phenomena (the star-lit heavens, a centuries-old redwood, the gorgeous flowers of the Mandevilla vine at my gate) stretches it, making me yearn and aspire.  Human relationships bruise, batter and comfort it, teaching me resilience and humility.  Love makes my soul blossom and glow, compassion causes it to blur at the edges, and so I learn to accept others as they are.

We survive through natural and unnatural disasters that take our loved ones and possessions, through the insults and aches of aging, and through fads and fancies that are often unhealthy.  From each event, we learn, we stretch, we recover, we process the emotional aftermath, and we move on.  These life events are the soul’s workout, and though we may groan and complain, we can feel the growth eventually. 

Thank you, Charles, for growing your own soul, and for sharing that evolution with us.

Why Did you recommend not asking?

Dear Dr. Romance:
I read on yahoo about your recommendations to men dating older women. I did date for about 3 years a woman about 4 years older than me. I love her still and we separaed because one thing I felt was that she never wanted to open up about herself. The following comment caught my attention: ( I underlined and bolded the parts I would like some more explanation from you about this recommendation, since I did talk about and asked about her life, as a way to develop a stronger bond and intimacy with her.)  "7. Keep conversation interesting and light. Feel free to talk about anything, including your personal lives, past relationships, and love in general, but don't be the one who brings up the intimate topics first. Be wary of prying too deeply into her private life and secrets, unless the
information is voluntarily offered."
Any response would be greatly appreciated, since I do want to understand what I might have done wrong.

Dr. Romance responds:

After dating three years, it's not unreasonable for you to want a woman to open up to you.  I can't know for sure what was wrong, but perhaps she felt you would judge her, be too jealous, or not understand something in her past.   My recommendations, on the Yahoo dating site, were for people in new relationships.  My book: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the
Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage   has guidelines which will help you talk about intimate topics . 

Why is my ex boyfriend still calling?

Dear Dr. Romance:

Interesting article on older women/younger men.  I was in the same relationship until April.  I am
10 years older than my date, and we dated for a couple of years, long after his brief marriage ended.  We seemed to be very compatible-I'm a veterinarian, he trains dogs...we did great for a while.  In many ways, though, it seemed like we had already been married for 20 years.  Not much "dating, " taking each other for granted, not trying as hard, etc.  Then I moved an hour away for another job, and we lasted less than a year after that.  I just wanted him to make a little effort in the relationship and make me feel like I mattered.   I'm a girl, so naturally, I had to write a letter.  In effect, it said that I either needed him to just make the smallest effort or we needed to call it off.  Before he read it, we had the conversation, and he is the one who made it "official." He felt like we hit a dead end,
and he wanted to be on his own and be a batchelor for a while.  And maybe after that, "we'd
see..."   and still remain friends.  I never put faith in those statements-they always seemed like
platitudes.  I had no problem with the reasons he gave, althoug it made me sad-I loved him, but
understood him being on his own. I'm pretty independent, too, so  I get that,  and was never the
type woman to keep tabs and keep a leash on him, either.  He just didn't want the responsibility
of a girlfriend now.  Fine.

OK, so he had read the letter after that and called in the middle of the night to chat...about the Dog Whisperer and his midnight snack.  When we were together, he went to sleep early.  With rare exception, he has called weekly since then, usually just to chat (a couple of vet questions every once in a while).  I've only had 2 other really serious boyfriends, but when it was over, it was over.  I became friends again with one of them after about a year-he was a client.  But I've not heard of exes calling that often. I don't talk to some of my girlfriends that often.  One may say that he wants me back or wants to leave the door open.  However, he began dating a younger woman, with no education.  I know my ego shouldn't be hurt, but really? Despite that, he still calls.  He did confirm that they were dating and asked if he shouldn't call anymore.  Told him I wasn't sure...I'd like to be able to split him in 2 and keep my friend, but I know the reality.  Then, he was coming through town this past Friday, and asked what did I think of looking at these xrays of his horse and "if nothing else meet up for lunch."  Well, both my pride and curiosity agreed to it.  We met,  I heard about the new girlfriend, who he said was jealous of me and is already worried he's meeting other women at the gym and when he goes out
with his friends, etc.  I asked if she knew we were meeting for lunch-she didn't.  Then I got to
hear about their dates.  Gees, why tell me that?    So, I told him about a man I had gone out with.  Then I got 20 questions about him, and felt he put me on the defensive-about the guy having been divorced when I said they were out of the question, his job, where he lived, etc.  He also wouldn't make eye contact and got a little fidgety, but said he was happy for me and hoped it worked out.  Wasn't that sweet.  I didn't ask questions about his new girlfriend.  Anyway, it was strange.  He hugged when we got there and got out of his car (we were looking at xrays on my laptop) to hug me good bye.  I half hearted returned the hugs. 

Sorry this is so long...I can take the spleen out of a dog, but I can't figure out boys.  These are my
questions:
1)  does he truly want to keep me just as a friend in his life?  He actually has lots of friends, so
why does his RECENT ex need to be one more?
2)  why keep calling me when he is dating another girl, who doesn't know he is doing that &
likely won't know we met for lunch? not very nice
3) why is he dating her at all when he broke up with me to be a batchelor?  One could say it's just
for sex, but they actually do go out in public.  Even when our relationship was bumpy, the sex was always great. 
4) why can't I get up the guts to tell him to quit calling and just leave me alone so I can move on?
I probably wont' see my imaginary boyfriend again-he lives too far away, but I didn't want to
seem pitiful or desperate for not seeing anyone and everything else I told him was true!

He is a great guy in a lot of ways, but just wasn't always a good boyfriend.  He is still pretty
selfish and wasn't all that concerned with my needs or happiness after a while.  Friends say "well, he's young."  Well, lots of folks are married and have successful relationships, families at
28.  Is he sowing his last oats and wants to keep the door open because I'm the marrying type?
I'm not even sure I could go back, but do still have strong feelings for him, even though he could
be a jerk.  Yes, I know I need to do what 's best for me, but I just wish I understood his motivation and how he was feeling.  Even my ego would love to hear "I screwed up."  I'm not sure I'd get a straight answer even if I asked why he still calls, or what he'd think of a girlfriend meeting up with her most recent ex. 

Sorry this is so long, but there was a lot more to it than just the subject line-haha.  Hope you have
a wonderful day and thanks in advance for any insight you can give. 

P.S.  I have dated a man 10 years older and 1 10 years younger and one my age... and there's
really not much difference with any of them!

Dr. Romance responds:

 It sounds like you met this man too soon after his divorce.  He probably cares for you, but isn't
ready to settle down, wants to sow some oats while he's "free."  That's why he's with a woman
you don't think will keep him interested. 

Yes, he wants you for a friend -- but a friend is someone you can tell your girlfriend about, and
someone who can listen to you talk about your relationships.  Neither of you are ready for that.
But, you're not calling it quits any more than he is.

Why doesn't he tell his girlfriend? If you two are not having sex, that's probably within his
definition of faithfulness, and what she doesn't know won't hurt him.  That is, he's avoiding
conflict by not telling her. 

He's not a loner, so he's dating her so he doesn't have to be alone -- he just doesn't want a
commitment, either.

"why can't I get up the guts to tell him to quit calling and just leave me alone so I can move on?"

This is the big question, and only you can answer it.  This guy is obviously not ready for a real
relationship, so let him go.  Maybe he'll be back when he's ready, maybe he'll never be ready.  In
the meantime, you need to move on.  Treading water here will only waste your time.  Read my
articles, "Letting Go Takes Love"and "Where is Love?" for more understanding.Good luck to you.

I am not a prude

Dear Dr. Romance:

 

Here’s one for you, I am female, mid fifties, cute and in good shape considering my age. Had been married for 30 years, single 4 years, kids all grown now and  I am on my own which is fine. I can manage on my own and I am not a desperate female.

I do get lonely for male companionship, not sex.  Not really looking to marry at least not yet. Just want to have some laughs and go places. Have some fun together. Get to know each other.

My trouble is only those who are late sixties look at me and even then they only want a mama to cook, clean and take care of them oh yes and free sex, with nothing in the  relationship for me. The younger ones only want the sex and act as though I need servicing.

Geesh! No matter how clearly I tell them or put on my online profile that I simply am not going to put out they still continue to try to force the issue as though I am only teasing them; or I am some sort of conquest.  I do not do the bar scene and have not found anyone any better at church either.  I am a care provider so no chance of meeting any men where I work.

Are there no males out there who don't have sex on their minds all the time?   I am not a prude; I just am not so horny that I have to put out to some darn guy because he needs it.

Dr. Romance replies:

If what you want is a real companionable relationship, you are looking in all the wrong places. Guys on the Internet and in bars are trolling for sex, and they just see you as a piece of meat. You need to get a life:  get out and do things in a social environment that has content – that is, do things you're interested in -- even passionate about -- that involve other people.  That way, the men you meet will get to know you as a person first, and they will be higher quality men, who have lives also.  Read my article "Where is Love?"for more information. You might also benefit from my book, The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again which will show you how.

Happy New Year - Anticipating Change

Dr. Romance says: Happy New Year 2009! Every New Year feels like a new beginning. The sun, at its furthest point at Winter Solstice, has begun its annual swing closer to Earth, you change your calendar, and we all feel the renewal of the fresh, new year. With this sense of renewal, all of us are energized, and it’s natural to feel that it’s a great time to begin new traditions, and change old habits. Add that to the feeling that we indulged too much while celebrating over the holidays, and we have the perfect setup to make new year’s resolutions.

New Year's resolutions are about beginning fresh, and correcting past problems, so the impetus to do them as the year begins anew makes sense. However, it's a lot easier said than done. If the resolution is made with real motivation behind it, it will likely succeed, no matter when it's begun. But, if you're just making resolutions because everyone else is, or you believe you should do it, and you haven’t thought it through, you’re liable to find that you lack motivation and energy to follow through. If you make the resolution easy to accomplish, you'll have more successes to celebrate and you'll be able to appreciate your accomplishment.

Instead of following that same old cycle, and setting yourself up for disappointment one more time, you can follow my simple plan for replacing disappointment with anticipation. Setting yourself up for anticipation instead of defeat, makes your new year a lot easier.

Try replacing the old resolution habit with a new a habit of daily anticipation with the following method:

Daily Anticipation:

Either in the evening or the morning, take fifteen to twenty minutes to sit down with your calendar and think about the day to come. Consider your to-do list, your appointments (whatever kind of appointments you have: with a business associate, a customer, your dentist, to take your child to soccer or ballet, or lunch with a friend) and whatever you personally would like to accomplish (for example: gardening, cooking dinner, making a speech, getting a new client, writing your novel, working out, winning at a sport, meditating or praying, creating art or music, or visiting a friend). If your list is more than you can possibly get done in one day, sort through it now, instead of waiting until the end of the day to find you didn’t accomplish the most important things. Prioritize what you have to do, and whatever you’re not going to get to today, put on your to-do list for tomorrow or next week.

Look at your calendar and schedule as realistically as you can. For example, if you are taking your daughter to ballet class, or your son to football practice, consider that it might be important to allow enough time for the two of you to talk. If the client you have to see is long-winded or habitually late, take that into consideration. If you are extra tired, consider not packing your day as full as usual.

On the other hand, if your calendar is not full enough, if you have a tendency to go to work and then come home with no idea of what you’ll do for the evening, then give some thought to scheduling some of that unused time: For example, volunteering to help somewhere; inviting a friend to dinner, participating in a sport, joining a choir, or taking a class. You can even decide to get intentional about relaxing, rather than letting the TV or the computer absorb time meaninglessly.

In this way you can take charge of your day, and make sure that, within the limits of your real situation, you do the things that are most important to you. The few minutes you take at the beginning of your day to organize it can save you hours later. If you focus on planning each day, you will make steady progress toward attaining your future goals, and creating a truly Happy New Year!

I wish you a new year filled with every good thing.

© 2009 Tina (adapted from It Ends With You)