DR. Romance Blog

Dating a Dad with kids

Hi Tina,

I've run across your website and am enjoying reading it.  I'm a 37 year old divorced woman and I do not have children.  I've accepted the fact that most of the men in my age group will be divorced and most of them will have children on top of that.  I don't mind either.  Matter of fact I'm dating a wonderful man that has full custody of his two children. So to get to the point, I'm looking for some information on how to develop this relationship further. 

We are beyond the beginning stages and have decided to be "exclusive".  I find tons of information for the single Dad, but nothing really for me.  I just need some reassurance that this can work out and things to watch for.  I really don't like being blind sided.  Maybe something to shed some light on what he might be thinking.  I know that I can only know what he is thinking for sure by talking with him, but we don't get tons of alone time.  He's a busy Dad.  I know that we are on opposite sides of an idea sometimes – once he told me that he's spent more time with me than he has anyone else he has dated since his divorce.  I was flattered and pleased, but at the same time – this is the least amount of time I have spent with a boyfriend.  I just feel like I'm in left field once in a while.  Do you have any recommendations of some books or websites?

Thanks 
Dr. Romance responds:

There are a couple of things you need to do here, in addition to establishing your romantic relationship with your man.If you and your man are going to be exclusive, that means the relationship is getting more serious, and you need to start establishing some relationship infrastructure.

First, you need to make sure his kids are OK with you dating their dad.  If you haven't met them already, I recommend that he introduce you as "a friend" and that you act as friends, nothing more, around them in the beginning, until they have the chance to get to know you.  Many couples create disaster by forcing a new romantic partner on the kids, which sets the situation up for a lot of anger and rebelliousness. 

These kids have lost a mom in some way -- either she died or they went through a divorce -- which is traumatic for the kids.  They aren't going to look kindly on the woman who 'replaces' their mom, unless they feel they had some say in the choice. 

Second, if the relationship goes forward and progresses to living together or spending a lot of time together, you and your man need to talk about parenting issues.  Are you going to have some power to
discipline the kids? Will you have a say in how they are raised?  These issues can become very divisive, if they're not worked out beforehand.  This is another good reason to spend time around the kids, to see how the family system works. If the kids already know you and their dad are dating, give them a chance to express how they feel about it.  Get together as a group and do things the kids would like to do as often as possible.

If he has been doing things with his kids without you up to now, this will give you both a lot more insight into how well you get along and work together.  For more information on this, read "Dating Guidelines for Single Parents" and share it with him. You might also want to read the section on dating as a single parent, in The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again, and Money, Sex and Kids

will give you a lot of tools for talking about those issues as your relationship deepens.

Good luck, it sounds as if you're off to a good start.

The Worrier’s Guidelines

Often, it seems that there are not enough hours in the day to do everything that must be done, and like the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland we have to run as fast as we can just to stay in place.  And she was created before computers, cell phones and e-mail!   I often find myself worrying about a future I can’t predict, or things I haven’t done.  Worry saps energy, and accomplishes nothing, so I’ve developed a method of dealing with worry that you might find helpful, especially when you can’t sleep or if you’re anxious.  Whenever you’re  worried,  follow these simple steps:

1. Write it down.   If you’re feeling anxious or worried, or you can’t stop thinking about some event that hasn’t happened yet, take a few moments to write down whatever is worrying you.  If you can’t  write it down, think it through carefully until you can clearly say what you’re worrying about.  Clarifying your worries will stop the free-floating sensation of anxiety with no basis.

2. Evaluate.  Think about the first item on your list.  Ask yourself “Is there anything I can do about it now?” If you’re at home and worrying about the office, or if the problem won’t occur until next week or next year, you may not be able to do anything about it right now.  Or, perhaps you can make yourself a note, make a  call, devise a plan,  or ask for help. 

3. Do Something. If there is something you can do, do it.  Rather than waste time worrying,  decide to get something done.  For example,
∙ If you’re worrying about how your presentation will go at work tomorrow, go over your notes and lay out your clothes for the morning.
∙  If you’re worried about a health problem,  look up the illness or injury on the Internet, or call your doctor and ask some questions. 
∙ If you’re at work worrying and about cooking dinner when you get home, write down a menu or a list of ingredients.
∙  If you’re worried that you may be fired, update your resume and call some agencies.  You don’t have to take another job right away, but if there’s a real problem you’ll be prepared.

Here’s how it looks in action: If you’re worried that the roof may leak the next time it rains, start making a list about what you can do about it. Your inner dialog may sound like this:
“The news said it was going to rain next week.  I’m worried that the roof might leak.”:
“Call a roofing company and have them look at it.”
“I’m worried that a roofing company will charge me more than they should because I don’t  know how much it should cost.”
“Call my brother, (or my neighbor, or my friend) who had his roof done, and ask him what  it costs, and also if he liked the contractor he used.”
“Okay.” 
When you reach this “okay”, it’s time to make the call, or, if it’s too late at night,  make a note to  call the next day.
4. Distract Yourself. When you’ve done what you can, or made your lists or notes, then distract yourself: Count your blessings, get involved in something else,  read,  or take a walk or a bath. 
Repeat the above steps whenever you’re worried, and you’ll find that your worries decrease.  I wish you days full of blessings. (Adapted from It Ends With You (c) 2003 Tina B. Tessina)

Difference in attitude towards sex

Hi Tina,

I was browsing the net and came across one of your articles "No Strings Attached Sex" which I  found very interesting as it relates to a situation I am facing currently.   

I am a 24 year old male and I cannot handle having sex for a while with a person I like without getting attached.  The thing is I have been seeing this girl which is  four years older than I am since September last year (but we've known each other for a year in all) and for four months I was gradually getting feelings for the person while now I just found out that she was seeing me just for fun and she did not think anything serious could happen between us.  I found this out when she came back from holidays and I could see she is all of a sudden a changed woman and that she was being sensitive and for the first time she opened up and she asked me whether I can give more to the relationship but by then I had made up my mind to move on since I trusted my instincts that she is not interested in relationship (something she never made clear maybe because it would make her feel shamed to admit it was just for sex?). 

Two months earlier I had asked her how would she feel if she saw me with  someone else and she replied: "I don't want to know if you did; but I know we are not a couple and I am not the relationship type."  Perhaps by this she was trying to hint me that for the time she wanted no strings attached… She said "It's not that I want to see other guys but I want my single life." Whether this is possible I still do not know. When I am single I see more than one girl… She also said before she met me she was seeing this guy for nearly three years on the same basis. Meeting up just on weekends…

I decided to give it another go with her this week as she told me it takes time for her to get involved emotionally.  She said she was hurt in the past and she has an issue trusting men.  Thing is right now I am unsure of whether this can work out for us due to  the attitude we have towards sex.  Like can people who detach sex from commitment be loyal?   

Once I remember telling her that if I feel that I need to see other girls while I am in a  relationship I break it off and move on and she says you cannot just forget about the person as sometimes  sex is just a need.

Your take on this situation would be greatly appreciated!

Many thanks

Dr. Romance replies:

Your letter is a perfect example of what happens when you try to go too fast in a relationship.  I think she was just trying to get you to slow down and not ask her for a commitment right away.  This relationship is probably worth spending a little of your time.  Since you're trying it again, why not slow down, and spend more time getting to know each other, and less on having sex.

The article you refer to was based on my book, The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again which might be helpful.

Even in this modern, fast age, women need to know that the man they care about wants more than sex, that he's reliable and trustworthy.  At the same time, they don't want to be rushed into commitment, especially if they've been hurt before. 

Spend time talking, do things together, go out with friends, and  give each other a chance to see
who you really are.  Passion clouds judgement, and both your instincts are telling you you don't
know enough about each other yet.  Trust that instinct, and get to know this girl.  For more about what it takes to create a successful relationship, read my article "Stupid Cupid". 

Silver and Gold

"Make new friends, keep the old. One is silver, the other is gold.”—adage

Research conducted by Dr. Dean Ornish and others shows that the happiest and healthiest people are those who are well-connected to friends and family. But, in our mobile society, keeping friends is not always possible. Long -term friendships are wonderful and valuable, but if you don't make new connections as you get older, your group of friends may diminish due to death and relocation.

If you haven't made new friends in a while, updating your definition of friendship and increasing your skills at meeting people will be worth your while. First, consider what being a friend means to you. Who are your best friends? What qualities do they have? Once you have a clear idea of the kinds of friendships you would enjoy, you can decide to create more of them in your life. This can be done in two ways:

* Make changes in your current relationships ask your friends to participate in activities you enjoy, and spend more time with the friends whose style of friendship best complements your own.

*Create new friendships -- Reach out to coworkers, your neighbors or church members and invite them to accompany you in a favorite activity or for coffee. As an alternative, you may want to join a discussion group focused on literature, film, or painting, or take a class in yoga, or cooking.

If you spend time with people who have similar interests, you will soon create new friends. If you find that you don't have enough friends, here are some guidelines for making new ones. Of course, you can tailor these suggestions to your personal tastes.

Guidelines for Making Friends

1. Get a life. If you want to meet people with whom you have something in common, do things on a regular basis that involve others. Activities can range from taking classes, joining hobby clubs, volunteering, playing a sport or game, hiking, or any pursuit that meets regularly. The people you meet will share your interest, and you'll have something to talk about and enjoy together.

2. Find interesting, fun people. Being involved in an ongoing activity, and meeting with the same people on a regular basis gives you a chance to get to know them before you decide to pursue a more personal relationship. When you find someone you think is particularly pleasant, spend a little time talking with him or her during or after your activity. Ask questions about the project you are working on, or share experiences and advice. If you both enjoy the conversation, goes well, you can offer to meet before or after the session for coffee. From there, you can offer to meet before or after the session for coffee. From there, you can begin do more things together, until you've established a pattern of friendship.

3. Don't overlook people you know. While you're making new friends, don't forget the people you already know. Is there a favorite family member you'd like to see more often? Call him or her and suggest going for a walk, or to lunch. Are there acquaintances at work, at church, in your neighborhood, involved in your child's ( or your own) school, or elsewhere with whom you could develop a friendship? Consider reaching out to them. Let these people know that you'd like to share events and activities. Spending quality time with friends is beneficial to your emotional, mental and physical health. If you follow the above steps, you'll find that it isn't as difficult as you think to make friends. An added bonus: If you're single, an active network of friends will lead you to your ideal mate. (Adapted from The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty) (c 2001 Tina B. Tessina)

Guidance on how to become a psychotherapist

Dear Tina,
Please could you give me some guidance on how to become a psychotherapist. 

My brother, Robert, had a stroke four years ago.  It makes me sick what a stroke can do to
someone.  Before  the stroke he was making six figures as a stockbroker and spending most of it.
He lived in North Carolina in a large house and was a member of a beautiful country club.  He
has a wife and two twin year old sons.  When he had his stroke, his wife left him.  He had to quit his
dream job of working for himself as a stockbroker.  They both refuse to get a divorce. She would
rather whine and complain and be the "victim". Robert had to sell his house in North Carolina.
My parents are the primary caretakers of my brother now. My parents live in Tennessee near me.
Robert is 41 years old.  He is paralysed on his left side.  Robert's wife's entire focus now is on her
two twin year old boys. She has not helped his healing at all!  She has moved in her parents
house, forcing her dad to get remarried and move out.  It makes me sick how this can happen to him, his wife, his children; her family, and me and my family.  I can't fix them; yet this is the reason I am
interested and so inclined in becoming a psychiatrist. I would like to specialize in Jungian or
Gestalt therapy.

I would like to know if you were advising someone how to become a psychotherapist these days,
what type of bachelor degree would you recommend? Thank you for your feedback and guidance

Dr. Romance Responds:

Your brother's situation is truly a tragedy, and I am sorry for everyone involved.  I can hear your
distress and grief in your letter, and suggest you (and perhaps most of your family) get some
counseling to help you handle the emotional pain of this situation.  I believe every therapist
should begin with his or her own personal work, so that would be a good place to start.  Read my article
"Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely."

Before I telll you how to become a psychotherapist, I want to explain some terminology.  A psychiatrist is not a psychotherapist, and does not normally do counseling.  Psychiatrists are medical doctors, with a specialty in psychotropic medicine.  They interview patients to diagnose a problem, and then prescribe medication.

There are several choices if you want to do Gestalt or Jungian therapy. You could become a
psychotherapist (often called a family counselor), a psychologist, or a licensed clinical social
worker (LCSW.)  Laws vary by state, but in California, where I am, a psychotherapist must have
a master's degree in clinical psychology, which includes certain courses required by the
California State Board of Behavioral Science Examiners (BBSE).  Then, you must have 3,000 hours of
counseling under the supervision of a licensed person, and sit for a state licensing exam
administered by the BBSE.  LCSWs follow a similar process, but their Master's Degree is in
Social Work.  Psychologists must have a doctorate, then 3,000 supervised hours and a licensing
exam.

Your bachelor's degree can be in either psychology or sociology, but the Master's Degree or Doctoral Degree must conform to your state's licensing body rules. You can get more information from the American Association of Marriage, Family Therapists  or the American Psychological Association about rules in your state.

Hillary

Dr. Romance views the elections:

I think women are so unbelievably hard on Hillary -- here she is, this dedicated, clear-thinking, successful woman who has a real chance at the White House, and women take every chance to cut her down -- not for her political views, expertise or solutions, but because she wears pant suits, cries, or doesn't cry, for God's sake!!  Time magazine actually accused her of "shrieking" -- a word they'd NEVER use for a man. 

I believe in Hillary -- she's a fighter, and a survivor, and she's very savvy.  I like Barack, too, but I don't think he's prepared, and he's a very "pie in the sky" thinker, which sounds good to people, but is not very realistic.

We're going to need a president who is tough and has a creative and incisive mind, because our next president is inheriting numerous quagmires.  I agree with Hillary "It took a Clinton to clean up after the last Bush; maybe it will take a Clinton to clean up after this Bush" (not exact quote -- from memory)

Her ideas are good, her experience is good, she knows how the system works, she knows all the foreign heads of state, she's  a pro. Why would we not want her? Because we don't like what she's wearing?  Give me a break!

Reviews for Money, Sex and Kids

As a licensed marriage counselor and psychotherapist, I work with couples every day who are struggling with these three marriage problems; money, sex and kids. I wrote this book for couples who want to end the fighting, and build a successful partnership. To make it more effective, I put in case histories of couples (names changed, of course) I've worked with, as well as exercises, guidelines and the most up-to-date information on what makes relationships succeed. If you're struggling with your partner, this book will help you navigate the rough waters of intimacy, and learn how to sail smoothly together. I hope you enjoy it, and I'd love to hear from you at tina@tinatessina.com   

What readers are saying about  Money, Sex and Kids: 

Reviews from Amazon.com
The Top Three from the Top One, By  RadioProf
"I love the entire book. Dr. Tessina is one of those gifted people who write like she is peering straight into people's souls. I like very much how she shares personal asides, and tips that work in her own marriage. I like her focus on using humor and even silliness too. I've noticed how that can work with most people most of the time. I also like the weekly family meeting ideas.

I love the comments, the guidelines, the therapist's statement of ethics and the guidelines for selecting a therapist. This is soooo valuable for my students who seek counseling.

I've always taught that the three biggest reasons couples seek help are Money, Sex and Communication. A more accurate statement would be that it is a thread of communication that runs through the topics- which are; money, sex and kids that determines a relationship's success. HOW you communicate determines your success. This book is an excellent manual/training guide!

Dr. Tessina's emphasis on humor reflects a lot of what's right about the world. Charlie Chaplin said: "Life may be a tragedy in the close up, but it is a comedy in the long shot." He would have liked this book."

Tina does it again! More great advice from Dr. Romance  By  Aostara Kaye "Star"    

I am a never-married, childless, only child. My fiancé is a divorced middle-child with custody of his young son. We have different opinions on and experiences with, well, just about everything. MONEY, SEX AND KIDS has taught us how to use this diversity to our mutual benefit.

The techniques, skills and mindsets laid out in this book (and in Tina's earlier book How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free, Third Edition) have enabled us to negotiate cooperative solutions to our problems rather than focusing on who is "right." Tina's combinations of specific real-life examples and general tips and tools have given us the ability to greatly reduce the potential for arguments, needless struggle and heartache in our relationship.

I'm particularly happy with how the "Struggle-Situation-Solution" continuum trains couples to get past the immediate "sound and fury" and discover what the argument is REAALLY about, which is the only place true cooperative problem solving can take place.

Thanks to Tina (and my fiancé's cooperation, of course), I've gone from thinking that our differences could quite possibly be insurmountable to planning for a moving day later this year. Help other customers find the most helpful reviews   

  A Book for ALL Married Couples Who Want to Stay That Way, By  Elaine Shimberg    

Prolific non-fiction writer Tina Tessina, Ph.D. has written many books on women and relationships. But she really hits the bull’s-eye with MONEY,SEX, and KIDS: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage.

Although she states that "raising kids is the most complicated, puzzling, and hopefully rewarding job a couple can have," she goes on to honestly admit that "the fights about children can be the most intense and complex." Fortunately, she then describes ways that couples can work together to compromise in solving those issues.

She also lists skills that are necessary to learn in order to create a "truly loving partnership." As a licensed psychotherapist since 1978, Dr. Tessina carefully presents the struggle and the situation first, and then offers the solution to money, sex, and kids squabbles.

If this book were among the gifts given at engagement parties and appeared on book shelves of married folks, perhaps our sad statistics of divorce among first, second, and even third marriages could be reduced.

Reviewed by Elaine Fantle Shimberg, author of BLENDING FAMILIES and co-author of THE COMPLETE SINGLE FATHER.

#1 or #2?

Man:

-He love woman #1 but he was unhappy with the relationship for some reason.
-He was stressed financially. He was supporting his family.
-He has 2 children with woman #1 that all he wants is the best for them and them to be happy and
have a family.
-He has been going out, hanging out with friends – he said he's doing this to relieve his stress at
home.
-Maybe here and there he has been unfaithful to the mother of his children
-He came to the point of confusion of if he love her and thinking that he might just love her
because woman #1 is the mother of his children.
-He found out that woman #1 is cheating on him with another man. He was hurt and angry.
-He found someone else that is the total opposite of woman #1. He fell in love with her and cares
for Woman #2.

Woman # 1:

-He has 2 kids with this woman.
-He has been together with woman for almost 5 years.
-She was dependent on him financially.
-He tried to send her back to school but she didn't take it seriously and dropped out.
-She was there for him and put up with him all these time. He know she loves him and cares for
him.
-He felt guilty that somehow he neglected her therefore she went and looked for the attention she
needed from another man. In short she cheated on him.
-He forgave her and tried to work things out with her but she cheated again.
-Now she's gone, has her own place, moving on with her life, got a job, receiving welfare & child
support, and has a new boyfriend.
-In spite of what woman #1 has done to him yet he still feels that wanted her back into his life.
He thinks she is the love of his life and wants a complete family.

Woman #2: -He met her 1.5 years ago.
-He felt that he was happy with her. He felt the happiness that you have never felt in your life.
-He loves her and She loves and cares for him too.
-She has been there for him, understood his situation, and accepted all his flaws.
-She has a good job
-She likes his children and his children like her.
-She had let him go, the first time around and told her that he wanted to work things out with woman #1 and told her that he wanted to have a family, a family that you never had.
-He met her again after he found out that woman #1 had cheated on him again.
-She accepted him back into her life.
What woman #2 didn't know was he was still trying to get back with woman #1. He thinks that woman #1 is still the love of his life and he is willing to put everything aside to have a complete
family although he knows it's not going to have the same trust that they had for each other. Now he is confused. He both loves these women. But woman #1 didn't want to reconcile with him anymore. Woman #2 is there for him, waiting for him to be completely available for her.

Dr. Romance responds:
I think Woman #2 should wake up and smell the coffee.  This man is never going to be faithful or
care for her.  He is taking whatever he can get, and not giving anything back.  She needs to find a
man who really cares for her, not just whoever is handy.

A point of view

Dr. Romance's very dear friend, colleague and co-author, Riley K. Smith, MFT, sent me this opinion piece and I want to share it with you

A POINT OF VIEW about the state of things, Christmas, 2007

I received a questionnaire pursuant to the celebration of the 50th anniversary of my college graduation. One of the questions was, “What is the most important and surprising event since you graduated college?” It started me thinking. I decided I couldn’t give a simple answer. I’d like to share with you what I came up with.

Important changes: the information age, fall of the iron curtain, fall of the Soviet Union, assassinations of our visionary leaders, introduction of eastern spirituality to the west, environmental crisis, global economy, our American culture of fear, our American culture of consumption.

Meanwhile people do greedy, dumb, angry and hurtful things and people do courageous, smart, kind and loving things. Life goes on unreported in the media.

So, after careful deliberation, I realized that the surprising and important changes for me in the last fifty years are within me.

First is my own disillusionment about my country. When I left Trinity in 1957, I still believed that we were the good guys. I have come to realize that we are both very good and very bad with lots of subtle shades in between.

The good part is in the Bill of Rights – as Lincoln put it, “a nation of the people, by the people and for the people” and the extent to which we practice it. Examples are; a mostly functioning judicial system, a mostly functioning electoral system, a mostly egalitarian culture, mostly freedom of speech and worship as well as a miraculous ability to mostly cooperate for the good of the community.

We and our forebears hold these ideals, yet have so often and profoundly fallen short. Hidden between the lines of our history books are many disastrous acts of ignorance, arrogance and greed – the genocide of the native people, two hundred years of slave labor and another hundred years of Jim Crow, stealing land from Mexico, taking land from Spain in the Caribbean and the Pacific, from Columbia to build the Panama Canal, from Hawaii, dominating the “Banana Republics”, overthrowing elected governments in Iran, Nicaragua and Chile, assassinating foreign leaders, and destroying small countries like Viet Nam and Iraq.

Second is my self-discovery and personal experience of an infinite consciousness that is the benign motivator of EVERYTHING.

That leads me to an often-times uncomfortable “split personality.” On one hand, I’m anguished about the dilemma of us humans. I want a just and peaceful world and I can even see the possibility of it (many are working hard to realize that possibility). Yet, when I see an exponentially-expanding population dependent on finite resources for survival, I feel hopeless and discouraged. When I see the greed and violence of the Haves and the desperation and violence of the Have Nots, I am hopeless and discouraged. When I see human beings polarized (good/evil, right/left, us/them), I am hopeless and discouraged. When I see people paralyzed or passive or complacent, I am hopeless and discouraged. I feel frustrated and, frankly, scared for our grandchildren and the human race.

On the other hand, there is a point of view that I have found. It’s way up on “Mount Olympus.” It’s a place of deep inner peace from which I can see human history. It’s a place from which I can see the ebb and flow of civilizations. From there, I know that everything in creation is born, grows to maturity, declines and dies. Everything. Every single time. Continents, mountain ranges, species, civilizations, empires and humans – you and me.

There is a Rightness about it and I find peace in that. Western culture is in decline. We’ve gone as far as we can go in the direction we’ve chosen. It’s time to make way for something else. Perhaps something better.

There is an old Quaker hymn that goes, “For every thing, turn, turn, turn, there is a season, turn, turn, turn, and a time for every purpose under Heaven.”

So, I do my best to take what comes without taking it personally. I do my best to keep an open heart and an open mind. I do my best to live with integrity and do as little harm as I can. I do my best to hold my “Olympian” point of view. Sometimes I don’t succeed: I had a dream the other night. I dreamed I was looking from a second story window at a downtown street as American soldiers, our young men and women, in crisp, new uniforms with weapons and full packs were embarking for the war. I wept.

And sometimes I do succeed: Within the deep Peace, I experience joy in the love of my family and friends. I see the hope, inspiration and determination of people working to make things right. I experience my therapy clients coming to life and an inner sense of well-being. I feel the exuberance of the cycle of life and death.

God Bless.

Riley

I love my husband and someone else

I realy admire you through e-mail and how you advise people, please help me too. I'm married and I love my husband very much, but I love somebody else so much I don't know why although people say you can't love 2 people at the same time but I do. coz I love him very much and am jealous with him. He is a married man also and he loves me too.more than his wife. Please tell me what to do coz am confused.

DR. Romance Responds:

You are playing with disaster here. Yes, you can love two people at the same time, but you don't have to act on it. If he really loved you more than his wife, he'd be yours. He's not, so you have to stop fooling yourself. Break off contact with this man. If you have to see him because of work or because it would make your spouses suspicious, then keep your contact to group settings. No e-mail, no phone calls, no secret, whispered meetings. If you do that, you'll find that your feelings will fade in a few months.

Put your energy where it belongs, into making your marriage the best it can be. Pour all these loving feelings out on your husband, your children, your family. You can learn how in my article "Relating With Love" If you continue with this pseudo relationship, you'll hurt yourself and a lot of other people.  If you can't stop, talk to a professional counselor or your pastor. You need to fix this problem before it becomes a disaster. Read my article, "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"