DR. Romance Blog

He calls me names and puts me down

Hello Dr. Romance,

I would like your advise in my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been living together for a year and a half and known each other for 3 years. He calls me names and puts me down when i try to communicate with him and every time i want to break it off he tells me we should try again but it seems to be going in a circle.

Thank-you, Donna

Dr. Romance replies:

Hi, Donna:

It sounds like nothing is changing in your relationship, so please understand that nothing is likely to change.  You can't talk him into being a nicer guy.  If he was a nice guy, he'd be treating you better.Pay attention to what your boyfriend does, not what he says. If his actions don't change, then he's not maturing, and you won't get anywhere with him. Read "How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship". It's time to find a guy who's grown up enough to really care about you.

Widowed mom dates too soon

Hello Tina,

My name is Tod. I am an elementary school counselor. If you wouldn't mind, I would like to ask you a question that involves a child of a single parent. This 12 year old boy's father died less than a year ago. His mom has started dating again (I believe this to be too soon). I told the boyfriend that they should be low-key in their dating but the boyfriend disagreed with me as he and the mother felt that they would be deceiving the child. Do you have any general dating guidelines that I could give to this mother and her new boyfriend so they don't upset this child too much? Any information would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.

Dr. Romance replies

Hi, Tod:

I agree with you that the son shouldn't be aware his Mom is dating. She should introduce her new man as a "friend" and act accordingly in front of the son. The article "Dating Guidelines for Single Parents" may be helpful to her.  Also, my book, "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again" has a whole chapter on dating as a single parent. If this Mom is not careful, she'll set up competition between her son and her boyfriend.

New to dating scene

Tina

I am new to the entire single scene. Recently I met someone and after a couple of dates, he started to email me with a lot of sexual inquires. I ignored some of it and sometimes I would put a little tease in the reply..

When he started getting more vulgar I want this and I want to do this...I emailed him back and told him I was very uncomfortable and wanted to take time to get to know him better.

From a phone call every other day to a dead end. I am thankful to weed this one out of my future potential partners.

Just sharing..

Susan

Dr. Romance replies:

Hi, Susan:

I'm glad you got rid of him, but you really need to do it quicker. When a guy doesn't respect you in the first few dates, he never will. Read my article "You Be The Judge" There are other free articles there you can use, and you might want to sign up for my free e-mail newsletter. With better judgment, you'll have better luck.

Won't even bother with the bar scene

Hello! I'm also tired of trying to meet people. I'm likely won't even bother with the bar scene.

I'm 40, divorced, other than $400 on one credit card and a monthly payment on a new pick up truck, I'm debt free. And my credit score is 752!! My favorit hobby is Amatuer Radio. Other hobbies are listening to shortwave radio programs and studying maps.

The down side is that I'm currently a truckdriver. Naturally, everyone thinks that ALL truckdrivers are perverts. Worng answer! Are all female bosses yuppies or control freaks?

Trying to meet people at church doesn't work, either!

Sincerely, Kris

Dr. Romance replies

Hi, Kris:

Wow, a new pickup truck and a great credit score!  What a catch!  You're right that bars don't work. It's tough for a truck driver, because you're on the road a lot. If you're going to church, make sure you go to coffee hour. Talking to people and making friends is the best way to meet a partner. My article "Where is Love"  will help you restructure your thinking and actions.

It's like I'm invisible

My entire adult life, I have gone out to all the places you're told to go to meet someone special. Nothing. I never even get asked out. It's like I'm invisible, and my life has wasted away because there's not a damn thing I can to do to 'make' someone want me. I'm no size 0, but I'm not an elephant either. I have a great personality (that one again!), but I can't get my friends to understand that I simply refuse to put myself through more pain and humiliation by going to a dance and never getting asked to dance. I feel like such a damned freak. Can you help me?" -- Shelby

Dr. Romance replies:

Dear Shelby -- You're not a freak. Lots of people have this problem. Have you had someone review your online profile? Maybe it doesn't really let people know who you are. Going to a dance and sitting on the sidelines waiting for someone to ask you is a losing proposition for anyone.

Get your great personality front and center, where guys can see it. Go to small group activities, where you can actually talk to people. If you are at a big event, learn how to approach a guy and say, "Hi. How are you tonight?" Compliment something he's wearing, like "That's an interesting watch." And when he says "thank you," ask a question about it. "Why did you choose that one?" Saying pleasant things, followed by simple questions, gets the conversation going. My article "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will show you how.

Getting past her losses

Hi there Tina

Hope you can help me.

My Boyfriend passed away two years back...   We were pretty much engaged, living together and everything. I thought i was over the whole thing, but now i know I'm not.

A month back, or so.. i was seeing a man, and today i found out he had passed away. He reminded me so much of my late, they shared the same name, just second name being different.  In the grieving process, I'm feeling the loss of both.  And my late especially.

I am very afraid of commitment, and in the chance of loosing someone like this again..  and it has just happened second time round.  What do i do, how can i help myself??

Sandra

Dr. Romance replies:

Dear Sandra:

I'm so sorry for your losses. What you're feeling is normal -- grief tends to pile up. The best thing you can do is allow yourself to grieve. Think of it as having x number of tears to cry. When you have cried them all, you'll be done grieving, and you'll be able to remember the good times you had, and be grateful that person was in your life, even briefly. You'll start to feel stronger, and ready to risk loving again. It will take some time, probably about a year.

Try reading my article "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" to help you understand the grief process.   

Don't want him to see me online

Hi there,

I am in a terrible funk over a  failed relationship that lasted 2 years and I thought would lead to marriage. We met online and now I'm afraid if I go online again, he will see my profile and/or I will see his. I took this breakup so hard, the thought of that happening just makes me cringe. I understand one can block certain online names, but if he has changed his how will I know? Also, can you give me any tips on getting over this? I'm 47 and feeling very unhopeful about my futre love life.

Thanks,M

Dr. Romance replies:

Hi, Maggie:

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I know it's painful, but I don't know why you're worried about whether he sees you're online or not. You can put up a profile, and just not look at anyone else's for a while, till you get more comfortable. Please read "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" on my website.

If you're not together any more, then you need to stop focusing on him, what he thinks, or what he's doing. Let him go. Put your focus on yourself.