DR. Romance Blog

Wife or Mistress? Can't decide

Dear Tina: My story will probably sound like a thousand others you've heard, but I am in desperate need of some answers. I am 53, my wife is 48. My wife had a hysterectomy about 15 years ago, so menopause is not likely part of this equation. As you are probably guessing, a large part of our problem has to do with the lack of intimacy and sex. We had talks about this a few different times, and she would promise to do better. "Better" never happened, and I became frustrated. In February of this year, I began an extramarital affair with a married woman who was not getting the attention she needed at home either, plus her husband has been abusive to her. I know her husband, as I worked at the same place with him a few years back, and I can see how he could easily be that way. As time progressed, we developed very strong feelings for each other, far beyond friendship, intimacy, and sex. We both decided to leave our respective marriages, and to be together. We made plans, got an apartment, bought furniture, she moved her 7 year old son into the school district near the apartment, so on and so forth. Last Thursday, I told my wife of my intentions, and I moved out. The lady I am seeing is living with me at this time. I do care deeply for this woman, but the guilt of what I have done to my wife is eating me alive. Yesterday, I told my girlfriend about what I was feeling, and that I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to handle all of this. Naturally, she was very upset and distraught over the possibility that I could be having second thoughts. It would be virtually impossible for her to go back home, because of the past circumstances, and she is not really able to support herself on her own. There would be no child support, as her son is from her being raped prior to being married. I DID promise her that I would follow through on this, and I'm sure at least part of her decision to leave her husband was based on having the security that I would provide. I don't know if the uncertainty I am feeling about all of this is due to guilt, part of a natural grieving process, or if I am having second thoughts. If I go back home to my wife, I feel that she would take me back, provided that we would go through some serious counseling. If I leave this woman I am with, I will feel terrible about not keeping the promises that I made to her, and leaving her in a position to where she couldn't now take care of herself. To make matters worse, her mother, who has been very domineering to her over the years, was very much against her making this decision, and she says she could not bear having to face that, if I left. I suppose that I've gotten myself into a fine mess here, but I bet I'm not the first or only one who ever has. I have been married to my wife for 28 years, and outside the intimacy and sex issue, there have never been any real problems between us. I am a religious person, believe it or not, and have been praying diligently for some help and guidance. Before you suggest it, I really don't think that I would feel comfortable going to my pastor about this. Is there any advice that you can give me? I'm desperate. Thanks in advance

Dr. Romance replies:

Whether you go to your pastor or someone else, you need to get counseling, all by yourself, before you make any more decisions. You are ruining lives here, yours and everyone else's. You are emotionally immature, and your lover doesn't seem to be much more mature. There's a child's life involved as well. You are obsessed with sex, and it's running all your decisions, which means they are bad ones. There's already been a lot of irreparable damage. I don't know where you live, but use my "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"to find a local counselor and make an appointment right away. You need someone objective to help you sort out this mess.

Girlfriend has no time

Hi,

I am (or was, perhaps) in a fairly strong relationship for a few months now. Recently though, as the upcoming fall quarter approaches, my girlfriend doesn’t think she can handle a relationship. Between stress from school (she really wants her 4.0 this year), over-bearing parents, and the recent death of her dog, she has a lot going on. She has told me that she doesn’t think a relationship can work for her, with all the other things on her plate…

I’m wondering if there’s maybe some way to take a break, or pause things, something of that sort. I really care about her, and she seems to share the feelings. She did say that if she wanted to be dating anyone right now, it would be me.

I know that once things calm down again, we could pick up where we left off, and have a great relationship once more. What do you think about the situation? Should we try and maintain a relationship, but keep it very low-key? Take a break, with the understanding that we’ll try again in the near future? Or just go the "let’s just be friends" route.

Thanks for any input you have.

Dr. Romance responds:

Hi, Guy:

Women rarely say things straight out, as men do. Instead, they take the polite, circutuous route and hint about what's bothering them. However nice you are, your girlfriend appears to feel that you're adding to her burdens rather than helping her with them. She doesn't need a boyfriend right now, she needs your help. Stop worrying about what's in it for you, and see if you can find ways to help that make her life easier. Make it easy for her to study, run interference for her with her parents, and make absolutely no requests, suggestions or demands. My article "Guidelines for Relating With Love" will help.  When she can cope again, she'll resume being your girlfriend, and you'll have learned an important skill.

Masturbation

Dear: Tina
I am single man, I have question for you, is it natural for a man to masturbate? I normally, do it everyday, sometimes 4 times a day. Tell me if its wrong or normal to fantasize my cousin and she is a woman? Is it that wrong thing to do? I love to masturbate and to me its fun and great feeling. Do you have any advice. I want to know if there is anything wrong with me. I need your help.
Thank you,

Dr. Romance replies:

Hi Philipe,
There is nothing wrong with masturbation.  What seems to be wrong is that you have too much time for it, and I"m guessing, if you're fantasizing about your cousin, you don't have enough contact with other girls.
My advice is to get a life.  Get out and get busy.  Work off some of your excess energy.  If you're in school, get involved in some activities, or get a part-time job.  If you're out of school, you need an adult life -- work, friends, social activities.  Join some groups.  Get something going for yourself. Don't turn into an isolated creep who only lives a fantasy life.  Read my article "Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends" to get you started on a healthier focus.

How to be safe while dating

Tina,
I have never met men online. I have rules and boundaries for myself to keep me safe. However, I am not sure how many men I should be talking with or meeting for coffee, casual dates,(dutch treat) etc. I am speaking to 3 very nice men, I have met one for coffee , that seems nice, but I still don't know him well of course, and I know that takes sometime, which is ok.

I don't want to hurt anyone, or myself. I think that if there is no girlfriend, boyfriend commitment, then it doesn't matter, am I right or wrong?
G

Dr.Romance replies:

Hi, G,

You are the one who decides what's OK for you.  If you're not connecting with these men online, then where are you meeting them?  Newspaper ads are no safer than online ads.  You can have coffee with as many men as you like, it makes no difference. How are you learning that there's no wife or girlfriend?  Are you accepting whatever they tell you?  They can tell you anything -- many men lie.  If you want to develop a relationship, you have to do things around your friends and his -- get to know about his life.  When you know more than he tells you, it's much harder to conceal things.  Read my article "How To Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship" to learn how to be safe.

Dating Do's and Don'ts

hi tina,

just happened on your site and while i don't expect a session here and now , wonder if you could provide a book or seminar on this subject. i am a youthful and attractive 54 yr. old woman who is so confused about online and ads for meeting men. i have been wounded by these men who,after some meetings with them and being promised by THEM that they want to take me for dinner within a few days,they set the time etc. and them BOOM, never do i hear from them again. also, even before meeting them, just via the phone, they ask me how thin i am, what my pension is, if i will have one and the like. i am so vey confused, upset and disillusioned and believe that my chances have gone by in my 20's. i am very discouraged by this and it seems to always happen to me in this way. do others have these problems tina or are there so very many broken down men? i know how very busy you must be, but would LOVE to hear something of a response or a recommened read,workshop etc. to restore my confidence and faith.

thank you for taking the time for me tina

sincerely,
linda 

Dr Romance Replies:  Hi, Linda,

Actually, the older you are, the less online sites will work for you, and they don't work that great to begin with.  Even the people who successfully meet find they have little in common most of the time. 

But, don't despair.  Read my article "Where is love?" to find out how to find what you're looking for.
You'll also find a lot of help in my book, The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again.

To find a life mate, don't focus on dating.  Instead, use what I call the  "get a life" method.  Focus on activities that you enjoy (sports, classes, or political, social, charitable or religious activities ) which involve  meeting other people and creating a social circle.  When you were in high school or  college, you were in the perfect environment for dating and making friends,  so seek to duplicate that  environment.    If you are doing things that are  meaningful to you, you'll automatically have something in common with  anyone you meet there.  It will also move your focus from desperation to  something productive, which will bring out your most attractive character  traits.  As a bonus, you also get to observe that person around other  people, which will tell you a lot about his/her  character.  Dating doesn't  happen until you are already quite sure you two are mutually compatible and  interested, and success is almost guaranteed.

As people mature they get wiser, and learn to look past the outer  package, and focus more on the person within.  It's the character of the  person that will determine whether your relationship will be a success, not  his or your outward appearance.  Here are some Dating Do's and Don'ts to help:

Dating Do's and Don'ts

DO'S

*Do 'shop around' ‑‑ don't stay focused on one person until you've given  yourself a choice.

*Do listen. Don't monopolize the conversation.  You'll learn even more  about your date, and be more relaxed.

*Do focus on friendship. This early, you can't know where it might go, so  concentrate on developing the friendship. You can have as many friends as  you want.

*Do get feedback.  Offer your comments on the event or the restaurant, and  ask your date what he or she thought of it, for future reference.

*Do let your date know if you enjoyed his/her company. A complement is  always welcome. If you'd like to do it again, say so. 

*If you promise to call, mean it. If you've decided not to continue the  relationship but feel you can't say so, don't make empty promises.

*Do tell the truth ‑‑ don't lie, but also don't share too much too soon. You don't need to tell your date about other dates if you two have no  agreement about exclusivity.

*Do pay attention to the clues about your date ‑‑ you need to learn about  this person's character, not just looks and charm.

DON'TS

*Don't assume your date is exclusive with you if you've never talked about  it. 

*Don't be afraid of silence. Occasional silences allow a conversation to  feel natural and unforced.

*Don't make sex the objective. Good reasons for going slowly into sexual  activity include: reducing the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and  AIDS; avoiding the awkwardness of intimacy with a total stranger;  avoiding codependent obsession; and having sex to look forward to.  If and when sex  is right, it will happen ‑‑ there's no advantage in rushing.

*Don't date beyond your budget. It doesn't impress your date if, in the  long run, you have to make an embarrassing confession, and "buying"  someone's company doesn't work. A wide disparity in income calls for frank  discussion early on.  If your date spends a lot on you, reciprocating with  a home‑cooked meal, a hand‑made gift, or needed repair work will even the  tally.

*Don't get too self‑conscious.  The media focus on youth and fitness these  days can make anyone feel insecure and unattractive.  Look your best, then  forget about it.  Instead of worrying what your date thinks of you, focus  on what you think of your date.

Best of luck to you.

Courage and hope

Dr. Romance is often concerned about how disrespectful we are of our bodies and their natural processes.  I see so many people who want to avoid natural emotional responses (like grief and trauma reactions) by taking pills, when the healthiest thing for our physical and emotional being would be to accept and process the feelings.  Botox-ing and beating  their bodies into some advertising concept of beautiful, when they should, instead, be grateful to their bodies for being healthy.  This current trend of the quest for artificial beauty and the appearance of health, rather than seeking harmony with our natural gifts, is disturbing.

Each of us has a different genetic heritage, the gift and sometimes the problems endowed on us by our ancestry and genes.  Now that science knows so much about it, people are sometimes confronted with difficult choices.  My friend and colleague, Lambeth Hochwald, faced such a choice.  Her stunning story about it, "My Ovaries or My Life" is worth your consideration.  Her courage and willingness find hope in her difficult situation is a must-read.  I invite you to think about this when you're giving thanks for your (perhaps imperfectly beautiful) own physical heritage.   

Poison(ed) Ivy

Hello Dr. Tina,

I am so happy that I had the opportunity of coming across your response to “How do I get over him” & her story. 

The REASON that this is SO funny is this: EVERYONE, yes EVERYONE has been TRYING and FAILING at having me reunite with one of my exes…or Something like that.  My asinine brother took out pictures of my ex-husband of 9 years and started guilt-tripping me. The funny thing is this:  I remained on good terms with ALL of my exes for reasons.  I have NO Interest in running into anyone who I shared even a short period of my life with and having drama.  It serves no good.  Hence…the good term theory.  I WILL say that upon certain visits, they have all made advances (some which may have been allowed…others that I turned the other cheek at).

I can honestly say that this policy has served me for all of these years, yet when I was laid-off from my career position back in June of 2004, it has been a never-ending cycle of nosey people getting overly-involved in my romantic life.  I am MORE in love with my work and the joy it brings than that of any ex-men…Lol.  Sorry, but it’s true. Most would be able to tell you that when I am in a romantic relationship, I can be VERY good to my man.  However,  with a situation such as this, I don’t see being much of anything to him (whoever he will eventually be).  I vow to NOT be in a romantic relationship until I have MY life and MY happiness back.  That’s a promise that I have made to myself (and I REFUSE to break it).  Seems fair, right?

Poison(ed) Ivy

Dr. Romance replies: Hi, Ivy:

You must be surrounded with people who love you and worry about you.  Yes, they may be heavy-handed about trying to get you romantically connected, and I know it's annoying, but keep in mind that they're trying to help.  The best thing to do is to tell them what kind of help you want.  Say, "Thanks for caring about me; but if you really want to help, what I need is a job, not a man; and definitely not someone who didn't work out the first time." 

I think your focus on getting your life back is right on.  More power to you.  You need to feel solid in your life in order to find the right relationship.  When you're ready to find someone, try reading my Unofficial Guide to Dating Again. I'm sure it will help you.

Older Women, Younger Men

Hi

I was looking up older women seeking younger men and your name came up. I've been in recovery for 20 years as a member of Alanon and also as an anorexic sex and love addict ( meaning pretty shy and shut down when it comes to dating and relationships).

I cringe when I listen to radio shows like Dr. Laura insinuating that people over 40 who were never married are somehow damaged goods. I have had lots of difficulties but I really would love to be in a committed partnership and as a 57 year old, I would prefer someone ideally between 40-50 at most.

Anyhow, I wondered:

If you are writing on this subject of older women, younger men

If there are websites or resources you can recommend( I haven't found anything that seems legit and authentic on the internet as yet)

What books of yours you'd recommend could be best for me.

Many thanks!

Madison

Dr. Romance Replies:Hi, Madison:

Of course, you're not too old!  I highly recommend my book, The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0028624548/tinabtessi%22%3eThe%20Unofficial%20Guide%20to%20Dating%20Again

Which not only discusses age differences, but will show you how to meet someone in the most effective way.  One thing you need to do is get out and meet people (not at singles bars or online) and do things with them.  Don't worry about age -- just make friends, and before you know it, someone special will show up.  You never know what God has in mind for you -- so don't get too rigid in your own mind.

Read my article "Guidelines for Successful Dating" for more on this topic.

How Can I Get Over Him?

How do I get over this person?  My friends tell me that he was the wrong person for me as we broke up for a week at a time numerous times in our year relationship.  I really do love him and can't get him out of my mind, every day something reminds me of him.  I was kinda the one who asked "are we calling it quits" to which he replied "since you brought the question up, yes"  He has told me that he didn't want any more emails from me or calls but I just can't seem to sneak in a email once in awhile.  My head says to "get over him" but my heart tells me but "I love him."  How does one get over someone who you continue to love but who apparently does not love you back the same degree?  How do I get on with my life and get him out of my mind.  I've tried dating other people but the dates are a complete failure because I would rather be with HIM. --

Elda

T., 68,

Venice

,

Florida

Dr. Romance Replies: Dear Elda:

I'm so sorry you're suffering a loss.  Friends are often very wise, and yours watched your ups and downs and saw that it wasn't a great fit.  If you asked "are we calling it quits?" you also knew it wasn't working very well.  It's time for head over heart -- every time you e-mail or contact him, you reopen the wound and begin your grieving over again at square one. 

What you may not realize is that you're not in love with your ex, you're in love with your fantasy of your ex.  You've taken every tiny good moment you remember, forgotten all the unpleasant ones, and created a gorgeous fantasy for yourself that no real man can live up to.  That's not good for you, and doesn't make for a happy life.  You may also be resisting letting him go because you've decided it means something bad about you -- that you weren't good enough for him.  What's really true is that he wasn't good for you. 

Forgive yourself, forgive him and put away all your dreams and mementos.  Literally box up everything that reminds you of him, pictures, cards, letters, gifts, etc.  and get them out of your sight.  Spend time with your friends, and build a good life for yourself.  Before you know it, you'll figure out what went wrong here; you'll open up to other men; and you'll be able to put this relationship in the category of "memory" and build a new one that's even better.  As long as you learn and grow, you'll always get something better.

Try reading The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again -- it will help you complete this relationship, and start over with a new one.