DR. Romance Blog

Reading Addiction?

According to an Associated Press- Ipsos poll, "One in Four Americans read no books last year"  and liberals read more than conservatives.  None of this is a surprise to me.  Book readers are a minority in America. 

However, those of us who love to read and write often make up the difference.  The article says liberals typically read 9 books per year, but I've read at least four books this week, and I normally read about 15 books per month. There are a few resons for that: I use reading in several ways:

*As an escape:  I'd rather read than do almost anything else I can do by myself.  It soothes and comforts me, takes me to far places, teaches me new things.  Since I have the most fun playing with my brain, reading is right at the top of the list.

*To keep up: Books, magazines and journals are the easiest  way for me to be aware of new developments in psychology and related fields. 

*For entertainment:  I love to read good fiction, and be transported to someone else's life.  Two of my recent favorites have been The Time Traveler's Wife and Can't Wait to Get to Heaven, if you're curious about what I like.

* To read other writers:  I read a lot of non-fiction, because I want to know what other writers are doing in my field.

I can't imagine not reading, it's close to an addiction for me -- I have to keep it in check to get the rest of my responsibilities taken care of.  I have to "stretch time" to get it all in.

Dr. Romance knows that when you keep your compulsive tendencies in check, they become just enjoyable  pastimes.

What can't you wait to do more of?

Non-Zero

As my husband is a ballroom dance teacher, it should be no surprise that I am hooked on "So You Think You Can Dance."   This year's competition has been breathtakingly beautiful.  What an amazing thing the cooperation of dancers and choreographers (not to mention costumers, musicians, etc) creates.   Last night was the penultimate show, the last night of competition, with the four finalists: Lacey, Sabra, Danny and Neil; dancing their hearts out to win.  One of the judges made the comment that it was great to see all the dancers getting along so well, even though they were competing to win.  It doesn't surprise me, because dancing is a cooperative sport/art, where people have to work together to succeed, and being too competitive or demanding gets in a dancer's way.  It's what game theory people call a non-zero game, where everyone works together to win. 

According to the book Non-Zero by Robert Wright, cooperation always wins out over competition when you take the very long view of history.  What persists are not the victors in war, but the culture of the people who cooperatively make it. Dancing, singing, meals, villages, families, communities, farms, factories and businesses all require people to cooperate to succeed. 

Dance, and most forms of music and theater, are highly cooperative arts.  Dr. Romance wonders if there's a Great Design that decrees we must all get along.  Caring and sharing, not fighting and competing, are what move us along in life.  Relating with love, creating an atmosphere of mutual caring and kindness are what get each of us farther toward what we want in life.

What's your favorite way to cooperate?

Life and Loss

Knowing how to grieve is a major life skill, one that becomes more necessary as we get older.  Long-lived people usually watch their friends and family die off, one by one, until they're the only one left of the older generation.  Loss is never easy, whether it's a real loss, as in the death or leaving of someone you love, or an imagined one, as in believing you were cared about, and finding out it's not true.  Grief for me has often been a physical sensation, like having a piece of my heart torn out.  When someone says "my life flashed before my eyes" I imagine it's all those lost pieces of the heart rushing back, to be reconnected at the end.  Many of my clients are afraid of their grief; but as someone who has experienced a big share of it, I know it's as natural a response to life as any other emotion.  When we grieve, we learn the depth of our feeling for whatever or whomever is lost -- sometimes for the first time.  We grieve to the extent that we loved.  On the other side of grief is a new phase of life, with it's share of joy and hope. 

Dr. Romance writes, in "Surviving Loss and Thriving Again" "There is nothing you can do to make such a tragedy less tragic, so the grief, anger and frustration that you feel are normal reactions to the circumstances. So you go through the stages of grief: shock, anger, seeking, depression and peace"  Grief changes us, helps us grow, stretch and learn.  It's a blessing in disguise. 

Mosaic Heart

A fully living heart
In the passing of time
And love, and loss
Breaks and stretches
Heals and shatters.
Striated, scarred,
Misshapen, resilient
Until finally it assimilates
Its wounds and callouses
Into character.

A rare glimpse of this mosaic
(deep in eyes opened in surrender)
Reveals the soul's holy icon
Inscribed on the flesh
Inspired by love
Born of attachment and release
Colored in bits of joy and pain.

[Mosaic Heart (c)1996 Tina B. Tessina]

What have you grown through lately?