DR. Romance Blog

Mr. Greenjeans

Well, it took almost his whole presidency, but Shrub finally did something I agree with -- he presented Norman Borlaug with a Congressional Gold Medal in a ceremony on July 17.  Dr. Borlaug has also Presidential Medal of Freedom.  These two medals, along with with the Nobel Peace Prize he received  in 1970 (it took America a while to catch on) are regarded as the trifecta in prizes: only Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, and Elie Wiesel have received all three.  There's room for a respectful quip here about them finally recognizing the American WASP guy.  Borlaug comes from strong Norwegian stock, but he was born in Iowa. 

He is an agronomist (agricultural scientist) who is known as a father of the Green Revolution.  One of his great deeds was saving billions from starvation by developing a hybrid called "dwarf wheat."  Even if our president was doing it for a "green" photo op (the medal was voted in by Congress in 2006) it was a good deed.  Congratulations, Dr. Borlaug.

I need to focus on good news like this, because I just had a wakeup call.  Last night Richard and I went to see the charming indie film "Once," and after it was over, we shared that both of us were waiting for a disaster which never came in the movie.  When "girl" walks down a dark street, we both thought "here it comes."  When they get on a motorcycle, and then into a car, we both cringed, thinking "this is it."  What has happened to movies that we can't watch a simple, sweet film without expecting disaster and violence?  This, even though I'm very careful what movies I go to, because I don't want violent images in my consciousness.  Well, guess what.  Our culture is so permeated with violence and disaster that it has permeated me, despite my vigilance against it.  That doesn't surprise me or shock me, it just reminds me I still have work to do.  I've been reading and meditating on it.

Dr. Romance knows that keeping your consciousness clear takes ongoing work.  Chronic problems require chronic solutions.  "Winning the War Within" presents some helpful ideas for achieving peace within.  As many wise teachers have said, we must find peace within in order to find or create it outside us.

What brings you peace?

Fat Follies

It seems that fat folks are having our day.  On "America's Got Talent" the Glamazons, plus-size in both body and talent, made it to the next round. Sharon Osbourne said she wouldn't have had all her fat-removing plastic surgery if she had seen them years ago.   "Hairspray," the movie looks like a hit, with John Travolta in a fatsuit channeling Harvey Fierstein as a Baltimore mom, and the talented Nikky Blonsky (the antithesis of a skinny starlet) starring as our pudgy heroine.  As ambivalent as I am about reality TV, it seems that now that the audience has more say, and sponsors and critics a little less stranglehold, showbiz success is less about impossibly skinny glamour and more about real-looking people with talent. 

In "The Colors of You"  Dr. Romance writes: "As a child in Sunday School, you may have been taught “What I am is God’s gift to me, what I become is my Gift to God.” Think of yourself and your life as a gift you are giving.  As a result of your life experience you have become a marvelous package of talents and skills—these talents and skills are your gift. The skills you already possess may be enough to actualize your dream, and make the changes you want to make. Learning to think positively about who you are, and therefore make the best of each of your traits and talents, will enable you to operate at your most powerful, and to be truly satisfied with the results. Your talents, skills and wisdom are some of the many colors of you."

How are you showing your true colors?

Oprah-phobia

I have recently realized that I have an irrational fear of Oprah.  This is not a criticsm of her -- God knows she does so much good with her money and her power, and she's been so inspiring to many people.  I wrote "Weaving the Web" when she inspired me.  I am usually working when her show is on, and I rarely watch it, but I've noticed that when I happen to get caught up in the late-night rerun, I feel scared after it's over.  There's such a push to be perfect -- lose weight, clean up your clutter, have better sex, get a makeover.  The makeovers scared me first:  I saw one where a woman's husband and children turned her in because she had never cut her hair in her life, and it came down past her waist, and they thought it wasn't stylish.  They got her to the show on a pretense, and Oprah surprised her with a fabulous makeover. She was taken to a celebrity salon (the likes of which I'll never see the inside) and the famous celebrity stylist said "Let's cut your hair."  The woman dazedly agreed, and showed up later on the show with a short hairdo and a very modish outfit.  She looked good -- but, to me (my perception and projection)  she didn't look happy -- she looked traumatized.  I think not cutting your hair for your entire life is a powerful thing -- like Sampson, or an orthodox religious belief.   Isn't it possible she felt betrayed and dissed by her loved ones, who thought she  was so unacceptable she had to be made over?  It's not as if she were a self-destructive addict and they were trying to save her life.  Is it a crime to be unfashionable, punishable by having your free choice taken away?    I guess what bothers me is that she didn't seem to have any say in the matter until she was on camera and under all that pressure.  For all I know, she's very happy with the result, even though it was not something she asked for. 

It's not the same thing when people turn themselves in to Oprah for transformation -- actually, that's not so much different from the people who come to me for counseling.  They feel something is a problem, and they ask for help, which I'm happy to provide.  However, frequently the help I provide is to help them see that who they are is just fine, and doesn't need a makeover.  Or, to help them express more of who they are, and get out from under other people's expectations. 

I guess it's the push for external perfection and the implication that we should all strive for glamour that frightens me; and maybe that's because I fall so short myself.  I recently put together an album of old photographs, to preserve some precious pictures of my past and people I have known and loved.  For the most part, except for the halcyon days of our youth, we're not a glamorous bunch.  We are just obviously having a good time most of the time and caring about each other.  I have never loved people for how they look, or for being perfect, or famous, or super-successful.  I love them because each one adds something to my life, and they seem to think I add to theirs. 

Dr. Romance believes:

• That "You Are a Gift" to this planet, and doing the best you can to live a helpful, productive, loving life is your highest calling.
• That we are all here to help each other, and to share and enjoy the glorious abundance and opportunities we are provided.
• That it is more important to be respected and enjoyed than to be admired.
• That part of being human is to be flawed and need to learn and grow.
• That using life as an opportunity to learn and grow is the best bet with the best result.
• That facing fears and learning from them is the best way to do it.

Are you facing down any of your own fears lately?

The Sweetness Factor

My beloved Richard left last night to attend a family reunion in his home town of Capac, Michigan. He actually grew up in Riley Center, which is even smaller than Capac.  We have that small-town background in common, which gives us a shared set of values and mores.   We also are both familiar with many sayings which seem to be unheard of here on the west coast, like "The Good Lord willin' an' the crik don't rise" which is a great caveat for today's global warming events. 

I have been making my own way in life since the age of 18, so I always thought of myself as a very independent woman, but being so deeply in love with a supportive partner for twenty five years, sharing laughter and tears, building dreams and surviving challenges together, has created a deep bond which overrides autonomy.  So, when he's gone, I not only notice that I have double chores to do; I miss the constant sharing between us.  I miss being able to turn to him, say a word or two, and know he gets the whole meaning.  I miss I miss the sweetness that surrounds me every day.  For me, that sweetness is a source of joy, and the whole point of learning all the skills it takes to be successful in a long-term intimate relationship.

Dr. Romance writes: "Nothing improves communication and intimacy better than enhancing the sweetness in your marriage. We live in a cynical, hard-edged culture, so it’s easy to become embarrassed or shy about being sweet to each other, but when you see the difference a little sweetness makes in your emotional life, you’ll understand why it’s worth it, and that no matter what the bickering couples in the sitcoms are modeling, being kind and tender toward each other creates a much better relationship. If you put more energy into expressing your love and appreciation for each other than you put into arguing and resisting each other, you’ll be creating your own happiness. Research shows that a happy, loving partnership will enhance your self-esteem, improve your mental and physical health, and even give you longer life! When your life together is loving and pleasurable, you’ll have more energy for success in everything else you do. When you can count on each other to be protective, supportive, kind, and caring, and to do your respective parts in the partnership, you have a firm foundation for handling whatever life brings you. The calm assurance you get from knowing you are loved and cared about makes it easier to think clearly and make good decisions. It’s a great blessing to be and have a loving and reliable partner with whom to make plans and carry them out. " You can find tips for how to do that in  "Relating with Love".

What ramps up the sweetness in your life?

Trouble in Paradise

As usual, my clients are coming in with the Big Question:  "Why does being in love change?"  They ask it may different ways, but the basic problem is that the excitement and newness wear off the relationship, and then people don't know how to keep sex and love interesting. 

It's easy to feel romantic when you live separately and date each other, because every moment spent together is special. The courtship and honeymoon phases of love are like living in Paradise. My co-author and colleague, Riley K. Smith writes in "The Trouble with Romance": "THE HONEYMOON IS OVER WHEN we discover that our beloved is not going to heal our wounds.  At that point, we feel profoundly disappointed and probably betrayed.  NOW WE HAVE A CHOICE TO MAKE.  We can fight about it, go numb and tough it out, leave and keep looking for that Someone, or keep an open heart, face the truth and learn to heal our own wounds."

Dr Romance understands that from the moment you begin to live together, such romantic moments are no longer automatic. Instead, much of your time together is spent on more mundane things: doing laundry, washing dishes, paying bills, or going to work. Although this can be new, exciting and fun at first, as soon as the initial newness of living together wears off, such everyday things cease to feel exciting and romantic, and you may find yourself feeling worried that your partner no longer cares as much or is as excited to be with you.

Although the automatic, exciting aspect of it may fade, romance becomes a very useful tool to reassure each other that you are still in love. Whenever there’s a lack of romance or excitement between you, re-charge your connection and celebrate your mutual love, affection and desire by setting up a romantic date. When your relationship lasts for a while, your lovemaking will change. As you get closer, passion no longer grows automatically out of the excitement of the new and unknown. Instead, you can begin to develop a deeper kind of sharing, with open communication, shared experiences and a sense of humor.   Rather than allowing your energy to subside, you can allow your lovemaking to change and grow, deepening as your partnership does. Couples who develop a "sexual repertoire" which includes a variety of sexual habits, attitudes and options, report feeling more satisfaction and freedom to express their love with enough variety that they never get bored. Lightening up and laughing together will help you create the variety that keeps a relationship satisfying and rewarding.  "It's a Dirty Job" is about using humor to keep your relationship growing and fulfilling.

What maintenance are you doing on your little bit of paradise?

This is my country

Happy Indpendence Day, America!  As I write this, I'm listening to the reading of the Declaration of Independence on NPR.  It's so important that we all know these stirring words, especially in the light of the current Administration's disregard of it.  "But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security." 

New Yorker Magazine recently had an article about the gift from Russia of a monument entitled “To the Struggle Against World Terrorism,” which is now the first thing visible coming into New York Harbor by ship, before the Statue of Liberty comes into view.  This apparently was intentional, and seems to me to be a grim comment on our national attitude today.  My father was an immigrant from Italy, and my mother eligible for the DAR -- from a Quaker family here since the earliest immigrants and settlers, in the 17th century. 

On this Independence day, It saddens me to think that a war on anything would overshadow Lady Liberty, with her beautiful inscription of "Give me your tired, your poor/ Your huddled masses yearning to be free/ the wretched refuse of your teeming shores/ Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me./ I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

Dr. Romance has enough experience of people from different cultures, countries, and ethnicities to understand that we all share the condition of being human.  Often, it's the most stressed among us who are the most resourceful and contribute most to our richness as a nation.  "Getting Along With Each Other" is the story of an experience I had crossing an armed checkpoint between Israel and Palestinian territory, which points out the difference between governments at war, and neighbors getting along.  We must remember that all humans are part of our family, dysfunctional though it may be.  It doesn't hurt, either, to keep in mind that "what goes around comes around."

How are you creating peace within yourself, within your family, among your neighbors, and within the world?