DR. Romance Blog

Hello, I must be going

I want to offer an apology for not posting since May 18.  I had some major Internet problems, and this is the first chance I've had.  I'm off tomorrow for the Book Expo in New York City, so I'll post when I can and give you my impressions. I'll be signing advance copies of my new book, Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that can Destroy Your Marriage.  I haven't been to The City for many years, except to sit in the airport between flights to far away places.  And, I get to take Richard to Roscoe, the tiny country town where I grew up. So, it's pretty exciting.

It's a contrast, going from the huge frustration of not being able to get the Internet on my computer, to the excitement of this trip. Life always has its ups and downs. 

Dr. Romance thinks it's important to pay attention to special times in life, and really notice what's happening.  "Into Every Life" may help if you're trying to handle some unexpected happenings.  I hope you're doing something exciting, too.

Modern Miracles

Last Monday, I had a routine colonoscopy.  When you reach a certain age, it becomes advisable, because it's an early detection procedure for colon cancer.  Mine, thank God, was OK.  The procedure is not a problem, because (unlike for the sigmoidoscopy, which just scans the lower bowel) I was anesthetized.  It's the prep that's not pleasant.  I had to fast all day Sunday, and drink the prescribed nasty concoction that cleaned me out.  Oh well, survived all that.  What made me laugh is that I got the results in the mail today, as promised.  What I was completely unprepared for is that I'd get five full-color pictures of my innards.  For most of us, looking at pictures of yourself is sometimes difficult, but it's no where near as surprising as this. Yikes! 

When I told Maggie, she asked "Why did they send them?"  I think they did it because now they can.  Kaiser has a new computer system, and they're very proud of it.  Thanks, doc, and I appreciate the clean bill of health, but next time, keep the pix for your records. 

In addition to that, my computer wizard, Irving Sanchez, had to spend four hours this week scanning the colon of my computer, because it crashed.  It kept freezing up on me.  Fortunately, I backed it up, so I didn't lose anything crucial, and Irving got it sorted out, as he always does. He's brought me into the new millennium, and taken me out of Compuserve 4.0, where I had been stuck until he found a way to forward my e-mail from that address.   Thanks, Irving, you're a blessing.

Dr. Romance thinks that new technology can be exciting and frustrating, and we have to remember not to give it too much power or be too eager for it or afraid of it.  As in everything else, balance is the key; and keeping on even when things are challenging.  "Into Every Life" has some clues on how to do it.

Anyone facing life's little challenges?

Community Heals

The front page in today's Long Beach Press-Telegram tells a totally different story from the Virginia tech shootings.  A huge wildfire devastated the wilderness on Catalina Island, fortunately only burning one home.  According to the story,"All over the island, businesses volunteered their time, supplies and vehicles. A gas station used its trucks to drive mainland firefighters toward the fire. Most hotels allowed residents to spend the night in their posh facilities - free. The island's Vons grocery store donated food to feed hundreds."

Dr. Romance thinks this is the opposite of narcissism -- selfless willinginess to help others, and to pull together when a problem strikes.  This is what I think of as the real America -- not the bully who perpetrates war for bad reasons, or the self-indulgent, consumer society full of pampered celebrities and consumers who want more, more, more.  When we work together to help each other, pitching in, lending a hand or a shoulder, donating money, and doing what we can, we're creating a better society, and moving toward a better world.  I have seen this over and over and all around the world, even in war-torn areas, as people who are designated as "enemies" by their governments or religious leaders manage to get along.  This is what gives me hope for the human race. 

For a study of the power of cooperation througout human history, try reading Nonzero by Robert Wright, which is a stunning study which shows that "survivial of the fittest" is not as powerful as cooperation and neighborliness. 

What gives you hope?

Narcissism kills: pt. 2

Yesterday, I wrote about narcissism: people whose emotional development is arrested in toddlerhood.  They grow up; they learn social conventions, reading, writing and 'rithmatic; but they never learn to manage their own feelings or to recognize that others have feelings.  Have you read about a "sense of entitlement" or "it's all about me"?  Those are hallmark attitudes of narcissism.  It's narcissistic, by definition, to take another life, except in self-defense.  It's narcissistic to believe that you're intrinsically better than other people; more deserving.  Bigotry is narcissism; so is most hate.  Believing you can coerce or change another, other than by reason or example, to see things your way is narcissistic.  Also, by definition, declaring war as President Bush did, is narcissistic.  The commitment of rape, chlid abuse, spousal abuse, or perpetrating violence (like gang behavior) are narcissistic behaviors.

In her prescient book, When Society Becomes an Addict, written amazingly in 1988, author Anne Wilson Schaef describes the addictive aspects of the culture in the United States of America, and how it's reflected in our politics and politicians.  I highly recommend it to anyone concerned about this problem.

Dr. Romance watches the news, from the out-of-control behavior of our celebrities and politicians, to the horrors inflicted on Virginia Tech by a lone narcissist, to the horrors inflicted on families in Iraq by a narcissistic Administration.  Narcissism is a huge problem in our country.  Unbridled capitalism encourages narcissism.

Loving and taking care of each other in healthy ways require emotional maturity.  LIving an ethical, meaningful life requires autonomy and the ability to think for yourself.  Don't be swept up in the quest for beauty, the current fad, or striving to be rich no matter what it costs others.  Doing well by doing good is a much healthier and more responsible attitude.  Caring about others and being cared about in return is what makes the world a better place.  Asking "What can I do to be a better human being?" is the real secret to life.

What are the ways you resist the tide of narcissism, and stay centered?

narcissism kills

The tragic shooting at Virginia Tech has me, along with everyone else, wondering how such a thing can happen.  One of the most valuable analyses I have seen is David Von Drehle's essay in Time Magazine, "It's All About Him"  Von Drehle explains that serial killers, as well as mass murderers, are narcissists.  "This is the narcissist's view of narcissism:  everything would be fine if only he received more attention."

Dr. Romance works often with people who are trying to understand how to relate to a narcissist.  It's difficult to get the co-dependent who's pouring love into a bottomless pit to understand why nothing ever comes back.  Narcissism is the emotional dysfunction of our time.  Narcissism is a lack of emotional development -- the narciissist is emotionally stuck at about age two.  So, when you're trying to relate, you're seeing an adult body, but the emotional response is that of a very small child.  It is everywhere around us:  Don Imus, Paris Hilton, Anna Nicole, O.J. Simpson -- all wonderful examples of narcissism in action.  This is difficult to understand, but the narcissist does not recognize that anyone else exists except to serve him or her.  For a great analysis, try http://www.n-courage.net/

Mass murderers display the extremes of narcissism.  Each of us has some narcissistic tendencies, but If you are way too worried about your looks, instead of your character,  consider that your value system may have been skewed by our consumer culture.  On the other hand, if you're trying with all your might to love someone, and it's not working, consider the possibility that the object of your affection doesn't have the capacity to love or be loved.   

Anyone out there frustrated in love?

Celebrating

We got home from the cruise, a great time was had by all, AND I finished my newest book, Commuter Marriage: How to Stay Close When You're Far Apart. I've been writing the two books non-stop since September, so this is a big milestone for me.  And, Paula Munier, my awesome editor at Adams Media for Money, Sex and Kids e-mailed me yesterday to say "The book rocks!!!"  so I'm celebrating everything at once. 

Dr. Romance knows that Celebration + Appreciation = Motivation   

When you find a way to appreciate yourself for what you've already accomplished and celebrate your previous successes, you will find you are naturally motivated to accomplish more.  No struggle, no hassle -- you accomplish out of the energy and self-confidence created by past success!

To become proficient in appreciation of yourself and each other, try the following suggestions:

*Make a note: Write positive comments on your daily calendar to yourself for jobs well done or any achievements you want to celebrate.  And, you write congratulatory notes to each other as you accomplish goals. Frequent positive complements are a very effective way to reward yourself and remind each other of even small successes.

*Look to your childhood: Use activities that felt like a celebration in your childhood: did your family toast a celebration with champagne or sparkling cider, a gathering of friends, or a thankful prayer? Create a celebration environment: use balloons, music, flowers, candles, or set your dinner table with the best china.

*Visible reminders: Surround yourself with visible evidence of your successes. Plant a commemorative rosebush or get a new houseplant to mark a job well done, or display photos of fun events, and sports or hobby trophies.  It's a constant reminder that you appreciate each other and when you see them daily, you'll feel the appreciation.

*Reward each other:  Little surprises, a single flower, or a loving phone call can be a great reward or celebration when something good happens. 

*Party: Turn any free moments you have together into a party.  Have an impromptu lunchtime picnic, breakfast in bed, or dinner out with friends, and toast your success.

For example: While I’ve been writing this book, my best friend supports me — I call her up and tell her how much I’ve written, and, accountant by profession,  she totes up the percentage done and percentage to go!  It’s a lot of fun, and gives me a quick boost and a brief break in the middle of writing. (adapted from Commuter Marriage)

What are you celebrating?