Dr. Romance's musings on love, relationships, celebrities, culture and life in general. In top 10 Sexperts! Redbook.com's Blog of the Month: 'If anyone can call herself "Dr. Romance," it's REDBOOK Love Expert Tina Tessina. With a Ph.D., eight books and 30 years counseling experiencing under her belt, Tina has a lot to say about the everydays of life and love. Get to know the Doc. "
Is it possible to love someone without ever dating them? If so, how can you tell that you are in love?
Dear Reader:
Yes, it's possible to fall in love without dating. For example, if you have a close friend, classmate, work associate, neighbor or friend of a friend that you have spent time with (without dating) you can become attached. Most of the time, however, loving someone from afar has a strong fantasy component, which can be misleading. You don't really know if it's real love without direct experience of the other person face to face. Also, it won't be lasting love if it's not reciprocal. The following tips will help you figure it out:
Dr. Romance's 3 tips to finding true love:
1. Know the difference between fooling around and building a real relationship. You can mess around with anyone (if you understand the deal and have safe sex) but before you bring someone into your life, or share money or living space, remember they're bringing baggage. Know what's hidden –what's not said at the beginning. Their baggage becomes your problem. Remember, whoever you're dating is on best behavior. It gets worse later, not better.
2. Understand your own needs. Need a lot of space? Want lots of affection? Have to know what's going on all the time? Like to share everything? Or are you able to relax and go with the flow? Whatever your style is, it's OK, but you need to know it and be able to communicate it to your future spouse. You can teach each other, if you both know what you need.
3. Don't seek romance, seek partnership. Romance is for dates, and fun to have on occasion in your marriage, but it's partnership that will get you through the rough times. Don't look for someone who sweeps you off your feet. That indicates a control freak, and you won't like what happens later. Look for someone who likes give-and-take, who seeks your opinion and considers it, who cares about what you want, too.
"Stupid Cupid" will give you more information on how to tell if you're in true love, and The Unofficial Guide to Dating Againcovers everything you need to know about dating and devloping a relationship.
"Dr. Romance Video on Creating a Blended Family When You Have a New Wife"
Dr. Romance's 4 tips to smoother step-parenting
1. Give your blended family a chance to bond. Don’t worry if everyone doesn’t settle in right away; bonding takes time. Hopefully, you all got to know each other before you moved in together, but the transition to living comfortably together can take time.
2. Have family meetings weekly. Give everyone (kids, too) a chance to share how they feel, what they like and don’t like, and ask them to share both positive and negative opinions. Invite suggestions about how to make things better. Shared times, such as mealtimes, are important -- but each person needs a break, too. Don’t allow the schedule to be too busy -- plan some time off.
3. Get on the same parenting page. Mom and Dad need to work out parenting methods, rewards, punishments, chores, allowances, bedtimes, homework, etc. Each of your single-parent families is unique, and everyone has to adjust to change. Transition is much easier if the parents are in agreement. If something happens you haven’t discussed, just defer to one parent, and work it out later. If you allow the kids to create discord between you, they’ll jump on it right away, and make your lives miserable.
4. If you have shared custody with one or more outside parents, resolve any conflicts with them right away –ex-spouse struggles can become disasters. You’ll all be connected for life. Help the children transition from one household to another by “debriefing” when they come home. “How was your visit?” Then talk about the system at your house.
Why am i intimidating? after i start talking to guys and i've hooked up with them, some have told me i am intimidating and they become shy in person. I'm not like scary or creepy or anything. (i'm tall skinny,blonde hair n blue eyes.) but is there anything i can do to fix that? Is it a bad thing"?
Dear Reader:
You don't appear to have trouble attracting a first date, so I'm going to take a wild guess that you either talk too much about yourself, or you argue with whatever the guy is saying. So, try listening more, and discussing the issues rather than arguing or objecting. "How to Be Irresistible to your Mate" has guidelines for being more open and cooperative. "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will show you how to get from the first date to many future dates. The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again will answer all your dating questions.
Dr. Romance's Happiness Tip: Alone on Valentine's Day?
Valentine's Day gets a lot of media attention, and it can be hard to avoid. When you don't have a special someone to spend it with, or worse yet, you've just lost a relationship, it can be brutal. If you're alone, it's important to take good care of yourself. Gather your best friends around you and make some special plans to have a wonderful day. Send valentines or personal notes to everyone who means a lot to you. Or, create and celebrate Volunteer Day and use your energy and resources on behalf of people who need your help.Volunteer to tutor students, help at a homeless shelter, or visit wounded veterans in the hospital.Having a plan that makes you happy is the best way to fend off the blues. Get together with friends or family, or go skiing or join a theater production! Make your Valentine's Day a spiritual growth time, attending a ritual or workshop or gathering with close friends instead of being outwith the crowds. If you are clear about what will make the day special for you, and focus on that instead of what's not happening, you'll feel better about yourself and you won't have any reason to pity yourself.
Here are some Do's and Don'ts.
DO: think about Valentine's Day in advance -- ask friends to join you, or find an activity that is meaningful to you.
DON'T: allow the occasion to sneak up on you
DO: Think about what will create the most meaningful experience for you. "Your Heart's Desire" can help you.
DON'T: focus on what everyone else might be doing.
DO: consider doing something different from your usual habits -- this is a great time to try something new
DON'T: isolate -- unless you do it as a meditative experience.
You have the power to make Valentine's Day a great day for you and your friends.
I need relationship advice!!!? I have been with my girlfriend for 4 months now and her best friend who's a girl is also my best friend and I'm very close with the best friend. me and my girlfriend do fight a lot but there are times where I'm in love with her. and me and the friend have talked bout a few times what it would be like if we went out and know it would be good cause we have similar interest and sense of humor and trust each other so much but i dont what to do so a little advice will help
Dr. Romance Replies:
Haven't you learned anything from Tiger Woods or the many other fiascos of men who don't respect their relationships? You're about to create a disaster here. And I really don't understand what her best friend is thinking either. I'm glad she's not my best friend. She's more like a worst enemy.
Either break up with your girlfriend, and let some time pass before dating her friend, or just concentrate on fixing the relationship you've got. If you just act on your impulse, you'll ruin several friendships and create a big problem for yourself. Use your brain. "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" will give you some help in fixing your present relationship, if you should decide to do the right thing. Lovestyles: How to Celebrate Your Differenceswill help you understand what it takes to get what you want from a relationship.
Dr. Romance writes: Reentry is a surprisingly touchy time, perhaps because you’ve both been anticipating it, and have developed unconscious expectations of how it will be. When you miss each other, there are many moments when you think, “I wish my partner were here to see this (to help me, to talk to, to comfort me, or just to keep me company.)” So you come back together, full of love and anticipation, and find yourselves inexplicably bickering. If you excitedly launch into describing the great executive lunch you had, your day at Disneyland with the kids, or your new promotion, your partner can feel slighted and undervalued, or that you had more fun away than you do with him or her. If you instead talk about everything that went wrong, your partner is likely to feel overwhelmed and responsible for your problems. Either of these sequences leads to bickering. To avoid this problem, use the following guidelines for reentry.
Dr. Romance's Guidelines for Re-entry:
1. Prepare in advance by acknowledging that seeing each other after being apart is a tricky time. Accept that it's awkward, and develop a routine to help it go more smoothly. Resist the temptation to impulsively launch into everything you’ve been waiting to talk about, or the latest problem with the kids, or complain about the problems. Instead, begin by saying you missed each other, and how good it is to be together again.
2. Then, together, plan your time for the first few hours or days. Don't plan the other person's time until you talk about it. Each of you has established boundaries as individuals, and you both need to re‑establish your bond. This can easily be done, if you're intentional about it.
Here’s a re‑connecting sequence you can follow:
*Greet each other warmly, and tell your partner you missed him or her. (This is very important – do not skip this step, and do not assume your partner knows.)
*Ask your partner how the time apart was, and listen to the answer. Then take turns. This is not the time to share all the things that happened, but a period of personal sharing about how you feel about being apart, and about whether the time apart went well or badly for you. This step begins the renewal of your bond.
*Only after the personal sharing is done, talk about the things that happened while you were away.
3. Then, ask for help with problems that may need attention.
Following these guidelines will avoid the pitfall of launching right into the exciting events of the trip, or problems at home, only to have your spouse feel hurt and not valued.
K so there is a guy in one of my classes that I kinda like but he doesn't know me. I can't find a way to talk to him cause I can't ask him to help me with a question cause he is in front and itwould look obvious asking him when there are so many smart people around me. We are always doing work in that class so there is no talking time and he leaves the class as soon as the bell rings. So what do I do?
Dear Reader:
He's probably just shy. The smartest thing to do would be to ask him for help with that class, a homework assignment, or to explain what the teacher said. Beat him to the door as soon as the bell rings and ask him then, or ask at the beginning of class about homework. "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will help you know what to do next, and "Turn on Your Charm" will help you be at your best when he does notice you. The Unofficial Guide to Dating Againhas information about flirting, meeting someone and starting conversations.
No wonder many men are really angry at Charles J. Orlando, and many women are swooning. He's the antidote to the current trend showing men as post-adolescent narcissist jerks. Charles tells it like he sees it: He's pithy, passionate, and powerful. In his first book: The Problem with Women ... is Men: The Evolution of a Man's Man to a Man of Higher Consciousness he extrapolated from his personal experience as a man, husband and father combined with interviews of men and women to delineate a man's journey from emotional adolescence to the full maturity required to create healthy relationships with women. Then he started a Facebook Page in which he expressed the state of today's love/hate relationship between the genders in brief, witty and in-your-face assertions which created a firestorm of response from both men and women. Those Facebook posts are collected in this volume, and each one is a challenge to think, or re-think what you know about men relating to women. His fans are fervent, his critics inflamed. Read this book, and you'll have a reaction. But, in the meantime, like it or hate it, you'll learn a lot.
My favorite quote: "Passion: When you want someone SO badly. Respect: When you value them and they know it. Love: When you tell and show them daily that you care. Successful relationships combine the all three."
Introverts can enjoy the parties, too, if they respect who they are and don’t let negative fantasies take over. Limit your social engagements to those that are manageable or meaningful to you, and allow plenty of time for being by yourself or with a single friend, if that's what makes you happy. If you're not happy about missing out on all the parties, here are some strategies to help.
It’s no surprise that awkwardness, fear and embarrassment arise from a poor self-image. To overcome this problem, recognize that you’re not going to please everyone, and that sometimes you’ll be disappointed, but it won’t kill you. It's also OK not to be the life of the party. Everyone loves a good listener, and just observing and enjoying the atmosphere is a perfectly fine thing to do. Seek out one person you know and like, and focus on enjoying him or her. Also, volunteering to help at the function will give you something to do and you'll feel better. Even if you're walking around picking up the empty cups and used plates and napkins, you'll feel less awkward than if you're just standing there.
When you’re in a new, nervous situation, don’t use alcohol for false courage. You may survive being tipsy, but if you really want to be seen as charming and attractive, you won’t allow yourself to behave badly. Instead, practice before you get into the new situation. In It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction, I recommend this “roll the tape” exercise: picture yourself attending the holiday function, and watch the scene play out like a video. “Re- roll the tape” several times, and go through the scene again. Practice some different responses and different approaches until you feel comfortable with it. Then, you can try it in the real world.
To enhance your positive experience, do the following steps before any new activity: 1. Make a mental note of the possibilities: Can you learn something there? Can you meet a new friend? Will just getting out of the house and around new people feel good? 2. Remind yourself of your goals: You’re going there to make new friends and to have fun. 3. Review your positive personal qualities: What do your friends like about you? What do you like about you? Your intelligence, your sense of humor, your style, your conversation skills? Are you a kind and caring person? Reminding yourself of these qualities means you will enter the event radiating that positive energy.
Research shows that people who have a positive outlook have better lives, partly because a positive attitude is attractive and charming, and people are drawn to it. As a result, you make friends. When you are positive you are supportive of yourself and others, you notice the good things more than the bad things, which makes it easier to connect to others. In addition, you feel much better about yourself, which means you feel more deserving of friends. It’s a positive spiral, and goes up and up.
Guidelines for being charming at a party: 1. Be interesting: Wear attractive, but interesting, clothing—something that reflects who you are. If you like travel, for example, wear a shirt, scarf, tie or jewelry from another country, or wear something that reflects your ethnic background, or a hobby (sports, the outdoors, a Hawaiian-type shirt with surfboards, gardening implements or an animal print) or a holiday pin. It will help start conversations.
2. Pay attention: Look around you, and seek to make friends. Notice who’s around you and what’s interesting or attractive about them, Find an interesting thing about what they’re wearing, and compliment it. "Excuse me, but I couldn’t help noticing that gorgeous color -- it looks great on you." or, "What a fascinating watch! Where did you get it?"
3. Prepare in advance: Read up on some current topics to talk about—the background doings of a hit movie, some new technology advance, or a cool new trend. Then, when someone wants to talk to you, you’ll have something to say.
4. Find a way to help: What needs doing that you might enjoy? If you haven’t experienced this event before, I recommend finding a “job” to do. Don’t just say “what can I do to help?” Instead, volunteer for something specific: to greet people and take coats, or keep the food table replenished, or refill drinks. It will give you a feeling of belonging, a great excuse to meet everyone, and you’ll be busy enough to keep your nervousness at bay. The host or hostess will be grateful and remember you later.
5. Follow through: If you do meet someone you’d like to know better, follow the party with an invitation for coffee. The best friendships begin in these social situations.
Once you are meeting people, you need to create the proper energy level to be charming and attractive. Match your energy to the energy of the people at the event. Obviously, if you’re dancing or eating barbecue poolside, the energy level will be pretty high. If you’re having quiet conversations at a cocktail party, discussing books, or sitting down to dinner, the energy will be more mellow and focused.
Conversations at events you attend should be like tennis matches. That is, the other person “serves” he or she asks a question or makes a statement. Then, you “volley” back you answer the question with the kind of answer that invites a response. For example:
He: “How do you know our hostess?” You: “We went to school together. I like Pam’s friendliness, don’t you?”
This invites your companion to respond, and keeps the “volley” going. If the conversational thread ends, The next “serve” is yours. If you have to re-start the conversation too often, excuse yourself and move on. That person is not interested enough. If you force the other person to do all the conversational “work” he or she will move on pretty quickly. One-syllable answers are a pretty clear indication of lack of interest, even if you didn’t mean it to be that way. Instead, turn on your charm, and the other person will want more time with you.
