DR. Romance Blog

An essential life skill

Dr.

Romance reviews: The Book of No  by Susan Newman.  McGraw-Hill; 1 edition (November 15, 2005)  As a psychotherapist, I'm continually helping bolster people who have trouble saying 'no.' It's an essential life skill, because if you can't say 'no' when you need to, then your 'yes' is meaningless, and will result in resentment that leaks out in passive/aggressive ways. Susan Newman's book is a great resource for my clients. It's a reference book for how to say 'no' in a variety of situations and circumstances. Having a script for how to say no encourages people to try it, and they then learn by doing. A very helpful aid to the refusal-impaired.

Fair Fight rules on Yahoo!

Dr. Romance's article, "Fair Fight Rules" was posted on Yahoo!Personals:

Thirty years of marriage counseling and twenty-five years of a second marriage have convinced me that fights are not necessary in a marriage. Married couples need to have discussions, they need to solve problems, and sometimes they need to disagree, but they don't need to squabble, argue, bicker, or fight. Fights are dramatic, which is not helpful to a discussion. If you have enough energy to create drama, you have more than enough to tone it down into a discussion. However, because social expectations and mythology are so strong, many of my clients want guidelines for "fighting fair." I've developed a set of Fair Fight Guidelines you may find helpful. read more

There are 356 comments so far, including a fight about it!  Fascinating.

It was then picked up on "A Woman's View"  with wonderful commentary 

and  My Electronic Diary printed it without comment, and so did Reincastation, and  Oh Snap.

Dr. Romance's Poem -- "Redemption" was posted on "The Sins of the Father" as "Messy Life Poetry"

Read an inteview with Dr. Romance has on Words to Mouth:

If you enjoy this blog, please comment and vote for it on  Bloggers and Podcasters Guide

Should she tell the man she's in love with him?

I have a friend who's asking for an advice and accidentaly, I saw in the internet your advices to some heart problems..So I told myself to try ask help from you also. This lady friend of mine is well, kind of in love with a man who's also in love with her. However, a friend of us also is I think falling in love with the same man.  So, my friend does not know what to do.  Is it just right for her to tell to the man she is in love with him even if doing so will hurt our other friend?  Because the advice that I had given to her is to better tell what she feels. And also, She does not know if the man still loves her because lately he acts somewhat different..It's as if something turned out bad.. I hope you can give some advice Madam..Thanx a lot. Dr. Romance replies: What are the facts? If this guy is dating both women, then he's just having a good time, and not thinking about commitment. If he's not dating either, then this is all just fantasy. Both ladies should stick with reality, and not get too far into their hopes about this guy. The big question is, has he asked either or both of them out on a date? If he has dated your friend, then she should not tell him what she feels (pretty disasterous with a guy) but ask him what he wants to do about their friendship. If he hasn't dated her, she should take the lead and ask him out to coffee or lunch, to let him know she's interested. Whatever she does, she shouldn't make a dramatic declaration of feelings unless he does. That just spooks a man, and sends him away. Your friend could benefit from reading my article "You Be the Judge"

Where is Love?

Probably the most prevalent question I’m asked in my counseling practice is "Where is love?" Clients want to know why they can’t find a successful life partnership, why a friend or family member won’t respond as they would like, even why they don’t love themselves. In a perfect world, love wouldn’t be something we have to learn – if you believe in a loving cosmos, then we were all conceived in Love, and it’s Love that created us. But, we live in a human world, and we’re all imperfect beings, falling short time and time again in our attempts to love one another and even to love ourselves.

So, we have to learn to love, and even learn to be loved. The more we can learn to think of ourselves surrounded by Love, living in Love, breathing Love in and out, the more we begin to feel it, and the more we attract it. As we understand this, we begin to meld our imperfect, human world with the larger, more expansive world of Love, and things begin to happen that we cannot anticipate. Expecting a miracle, as long as we really strive to understand what miraculous means, will actually make it happen. It's not really magic, unless you believe as I do, that the mind is a miracle in itself.

Think of it this way: every opportunity we have to be loving is a course in emotional growth – thinking about love and relationships as a learning experience will make it easier to increase your loving potential.

Most of us are quite practiced in taking courses. If you sign up for an algebra course, for example, you know what you’ll face: 10 (or so) weeks of learning new material and homework assignments consisting of more and more complex problems based on the material learned. You may grumble about the homework load, or complain about the teacher, but you never think you've been given the problems as punishment. Problems are a natural part of the educational process.

Life, too is a classroom with many classes. One of the most rigorous courses is Love 101. It's required, no one escapes it, and the skills learned are useful for an entire lifetime. The syllabus for this class includes love of self, family, and friends. The advanced syllabus includes love of enemies and those who disappoint, hurt or frustrate us. All of the problems presented are to help us stretch and grow emotionally.

Every relationship you have is a learning lesson in love, both of yourself and of the other. By keeping in mind you are a student, and problems are to learn from, you will make life easier, growth faster, and everything will make more sense.

Your homework is to learn about love. This week’s assignment might be some difficulty with a friend or family member. How are you going to solve the problem of loving that friend who’s not treating you well? How are you going to turn an abrasive situation into a smooth path? Or maybe the person who’s not being so nice to you is actually yourself. So, what can you do, when you’re at odds with you, to reconcile and turn the criticism into appreciation and love for self? Sometimes a romantic partner or spouse is the biggest challenge. What if your partner is not listening to you, or resisting your ideas? How can you love that, and make enough room in your heart to hear him or her first, and help the atmosphere change from hostile to loving? And what if your assignment is creating a romance where none exists? How can you do that with love for yourself, and with the positive belief that there’s enough love in this imperfect world that you can have what you want?

Once you’ve been disappointed or hurt, being afraid is natural, and it’s even a healthy response to facing a situation you’ve had trouble with before. Your fears are saying, in effect "I’ve had a bad time with this before -- I don’t feel prepared to do it again." Rather than letting that message frighten you away, learn to love your emotions for wanting to keep you safe, and discover a new, slower, safer path to tread. But don’t give up on the goal. You have learned a lot in your lifetime, and all of us can always learn something more about love.

I wish for you all the love you can imagine, and more.
© 2008 Tina B. Tessina (adapted from "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again")

Want to understand yourself?

A Little Book on the Human Shadow By Robert Bly If you really want to understand yourself, and overcome whatever seems out of control in you, it's essential to understand what the shadow side is, and how to work with it. This simple little book really lays it out clearly. One of my favorites.

Can you refer me?

I read your book How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free   several months ago and re-read it recently. I would love to receive more one on one help. I live in St Petersburg FL, do you have anyone you could refer me to? Thank you for your help!

Dr. Romance replies:

I'm sorry, I don't personally know any therapists in Florida. Consult your state licensing agency or the American Association of Marriage Family Therapists. You can bring How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free to the therapist, and ask him or her to help you with the exercises you.

Alternately, you and I can have therapy by e-mail or phone. I charge $75 per session, for e-mail counseling, which includes my reading your e-mail, researching anything I need to research, and responding also by e-mail. I will also send a bill, usually along with some pertinent articles or information about your situation. Or, we can have sessions on the phone. Just call me at 562-438-8077(best time to reach me is 11:00 AM Pacific Time) or e-mail me for an appointment. These sessions are as frequent or infrequent as you feel necessary, you are in charge of that. If you want to begin online, just e-mail me another question, and include your mailing address. After I reply, I'll mail you a bill, and an intake form to fill out.  If you need further information, or wish to make an appointment, please e-mail me or call me.

The Colors of You

As life develops, many of us have an urge to focus on the deeper issues -- our dreams and goals, and our emotional and spiritual development.  When this happens, life gradually becomes more about meaning and satisfaction and less about obligations and accomplishments.  As you mature, you can focus on living the life you always wanted to live, tempered by the wisdom you have gained through your experiences. Up to this point, your life may have been centered around other peoples’ wants, and  the demands of work, home and family, and while those  responsibilities continue, this is the time to bring your personal dreams into reality.   It’s time to consider what you want to do for yourself.

You have learned many things about yourself throughout your life.  You know how you deal with success, with work, with financial decisions, with family, friends and with your relationships.  But how much attention have you paid to your relationship with yourself?  To make your dreams come true, you must turn within to discover what will make you happy.

To me, this deeper look at life is like moving from black and white to color – as when Dorothy steps out of the house after the tornado, and finds she’s in Munchkinland.  Suddenly, everything is brighter, more beautiful, and even a little strange.

This new palette of more colors, deeper responses to life, and more intimate knowledge of yourself gives you an opportunity to re-create yourself, to  be and do all the things you’ve always dreamed of.  If you allow yourself to dream, to aspire, you will begin to plan, and once you have a plan, you can begin taking steps to make it real.  Using our limited time on the planet for a purpose: to create something that is unique, special, and feels good to us is both exciting and satisfying.

Whether you’ve always wanted to heal the planet or just have time to walk in the woods, you don’t have to wait to do it.  You don’t have forever on this planet, and you need to take advantage of your energy, wisdom, enthusiasm and vitality while you still have them.  Perhaps you want to learn to live more simply, or to get politically active -- whatever your dream, simple or complex, if you allow it to emerge, you can find the strength and skills to actualize it.

As a child in Sunday School, you may have been taught “What I am is God’s gift to me, what I become is my Gift to God.” Think of yourself and your life as a gift you are giving.  As a result of your life experience you have become a marvelous package of talents and skills --these talents and skills are your gift. The skills you already possess may be enough to actualize your dream, and make the changes you want to make.  Learning to think positively about who you are, and therefore make the best of each of your traits and talents, will enable you to operate at your most powerful, and to be truly satisfied with the results.  Your talents, skills and wisdom are some of the many colors of you.

You may have always thought you were too quiet, or too talkative, too aggressive or too passive-- but what happens if you reevaluate “too quiet” to mean that you’re a good listener, or “too talkative” to mean you are an excellent communicator?  Traits you perceive as too aggressive can be considered leadership qualities, and “too passive” traits can mean you’re an excellent support or follow-up person.  When you think of personality traits as distinct colors in a palette you realize that each of the colors can be useful in the right circumstance.  Your favorite color may be blue, your least favorite orange, but you’ll find you can’t paint the sunset over the ocean without both.  You can stop looking at your character traits as “good “ or “bad,” but begin to evaluate them as tools you can use, or different colors for painting.  Now is the time to discover the colors of your own personal palette.   (Adapted from The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty) © 2004 Tina B. Tessina

I have always been a good mom

Dear Dr. Romance

I am writing to you for your professional opinion regarding my 15 year old son.  His behavior overall is good but when he gets angry he throws things swears alot and just a few minutes ago destroyed my vacuum cleaner in one blow to the floor.

I am a single parent about 9 months out of the year and my son is for the most part a big help to me. I have one daughter also who is 13.

How can I help him see what he is doing and control his urge to break or throw something when he is upset. He does not do this every time, but it is very upsetting to me and his younger sister when it happens.

I am afraid to tell his father because he is so loud and I don't know for certain that he could contain himself once he started to discipline our son.

We live in a small town and our son is an athlete at one of the two high schools. I do not want to hurt his future with everyone knowing this problem, but at the same time I want to help him.

I feel alone in this problem as my parents are in the same town but are 80 years old. I don't want them to know the every little thing that goes wrong. My father has been a very big part of my sons life and filled in the fatherly gaps while my husband is away.

What can I do? Am I standing in the way? I have always been a good mom. I have disciplined with compassion, always been there to listen or lend a hand with homework, taken him to practice and games and most importantly made him feel loved. Please Help..Thank you..

Dr. Romance Replies:

It's so difficult to be both mother and father to your son, I know. I'm guessing, from what you said about his father being loud, that your son thinks it's "manly" to throw temper tantrums, which actually is childish, not manly. It's really important to nip this in the bud, before he learns from interacting with you that it's OK to be violent and angry with women. Although your son seems to be grown-up in other ways, emotionally he has some maturing to do. It's really imperative to get the help of someone, his coach, perhaps, or a teacher, a pastor, a school counselor or other role model who can teach him how to control his temper. If he doesn't learn to do that, he'll have trouble all thorough his life because of it.

You have to tell some people who can help, even if it is embarrassing. You and your son need an objective, knowledgeable party who has the authority to convince your son he needs to change __ not just for you, but for his own good. You can read some of the articles on my website, like "Mirrors and Teachers"  and "Year of Peace", Which might give you some tools to use.

But please don't try to do this all by yourself. If your son won't go for counseling, go by yourself to get some tools you can use. The best of luck to you and your family.

Surprised to find history here

				Peony in Love by Lisa See, Random House, hardcover (2007) ISBN-10: 140006466X
Peony in Love: A Novel Lisa See has charmed me before, and she did it again with this little gem of a novel. What really surprised me, after being absorbed and charmed by the story, was to find out it was largely historical, and the main characters were real people. I don't know how See does it, but she makes old China live, and carries me through the foreign landscape and customs as though I knew them already. This was a delightful read, presenting history, fiction and the supernatural all tied up in lovely Chinese silk.

Please help, our family is growing apart

A Teen's questions for  Dr. Romance:

Q: My father died 1 1/2 years ago I'm 16 and my older bro. is 20.  My mom always snaps at us and I think she has a serious problem.  I personally think it's a power struggle because she fells like she is loosing control over my brother and I.  But, what she doesn't realize is that we have to move on with our life and that what has happened can't be changed.  She always thinks we need to talk things over, but she keeps on repeating herself over and over again and that really makes me upset!

A: It's pretty normal to be upset at your mom when you're 16.  I was really angry at mine, too.  I'm sure your Mom is having a tough time raising the two of you, with your Dad gone.  Maybe she is the one who needs to talk.  What do you think?

Q: My brother is going to university in the spring and my mom just needs to learn how to relax and not get so uptight.  I told her maybe she should have some therapy and she said "do you know how much that costs...$100/h...and do u know how many sessions I'd need?"  She really does need it!

A: Yes, I'll bet she does.  She is probably grieving, and has no time to do it, with all her responsibility.  Please tell her for me (or let her read this) that she can go to Jewish Family Services or Catholic Charities, she doesn't have to be Jewish or Catholic to go, and they have counseling on a sliding scale.  I don't know where you live,  but both of those organizations are in most cities.   If that doesn't work, any church will offer pastoral counseling, and probably some referrals.  Also, you or she  can call the Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) even if no one is suicidal, and they have good, local referrals.  Your school should have a counselor you can see, and get a referral for your Mom and your whole family.

Q: What should I do??  Please help our family is growing apart and things are getting bad.

A: I'm sure it is very hard.  Try to give your Mom a break -- it's a tough time for all of you right now, and fighting will just make it worse.  See how helpful you can be, and cut Mom some slack when she gets upset.  Her world was turned upside-down, too.  Check out some of the above references, talk to your school counselor, there is help available for all of you. You're a smart girl, to seek help for yourself and your family.  If you have more questions, go ahead and e-mail me.  Show your Mom this article on my website "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely"