Dr. Romance Blog

Dear Dr. Romance: I can't find a way to talk to him

Dear Dr. Romance:

K so there is a guy in one of my classes that I kinda like but he doesn't know me. I can't find a way to talk to him cause I can't ask him to help me with a question cause he is in front and itwould look obvious asking him when there are so many smart people around me. We are always doing work in that class so there is no talking time and he leaves the class as soon as the bell rings. So what do I do? 

Dear Reader:

He's probably just shy. The smartest thing to do would be to ask him for help with that class, a homework assignment, or to explain what the teacher said. Beat him to the door as soon as the bell rings and ask him then, or ask at the beginning of class about homework. "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  will help you know what to do next, and "Turn on Your Charm" will help you be at your best when he does notice you.  The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again has information about flirting, meeting someone and starting conversations.

Dr. Romance Book Review: The Problem with Women is Men Volume 2

 Pithy, Passionate and Powerful

Dr. Romance reviews: /the problem with women is men Volume 2: A Social Media Memoir

No wonder many men are really angry at Charles J. Orlando, and many women are swooning. He's the antidote to the current trend showing men as post-adolescent narcissist jerks. Charles tells it like he sees it: He's pithy, passionate, and powerful. In his first book: The Problem with Women ... is Men: The Evolution of a Man's Man to a Man of Higher Consciousness he extrapolated from his personal experience as a man, husband and father combined with interviews of men and women to delineate a man's journey from emotional adolescence to the full maturity required to create healthy relationships with women. Then he started a Facebook Page in which he expressed the state of today's love/hate relationship between the genders in brief, witty and in-your-face assertions which created a firestorm of response from both men and women. Those Facebook posts are collected in this volume, and each one is a challenge to think, or re-think what you know about men relating to women. His fans are fervent, his critics inflamed. Read this book, and you'll have a reaction. But, in the meantime, like it or hate it, you'll learn a lot.

My favorite quote:
"Passion: When you want someone SO badly. Respect: When you value them and they know it. Love: When you tell and show them daily that you care. Successful relationships combine the all three." 

 

Dr. Romance on How Not to be Shy at a Party

 

 

 

Introverts can enjoy the parties, too, if they respect who they are and don’t let negative fantasies take over.  Limit your social engagements to those that are manageable or meaningful to you, and allow plenty of time for being by yourself or with a single friend, if that's what makes you happy.  If you're not happy about missing out on all the parties, here are some strategies to help.  

It’s no surprise that awkwardness, fear and embarrassment arise from a poor self-image. To overcome this problem, recognize that you’re not going to please everyone, and that sometimes you’ll be disappointed, but it won’t kill you. It's also OK not to be the life of the party.  Everyone loves a good listener, and just observing and enjoying the atmosphere is a perfectly fine thing to do.  Seek out one person you know and like, and focus on enjoying him or her.  Also, volunteering to help at the function will give you something to do and you'll feel better.  Even if you're walking around picking up the empty cups and used plates and napkins, you'll feel less awkward than if you're just standing there. 

When you’re in a new, nervous situation, don’t use alcohol for false courage. You may survive being tipsy, but if you really want to be seen as charming and attractive, you won’t allow yourself to behave badly.  Instead, practice before you get into the new situation. In It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction, I recommend this “roll the tape” exercise: picture yourself attending the holiday function, and watch the scene play out like a video. “Re- roll the tape” several times, and go through the scene again. Practice some different responses and different approaches until you feel comfortable with it. Then, you can try it in the real world.

To enhance your positive experience, do the following steps before any new activity:
1. Make a mental note of the possibilities: Can you learn something there? Can you meet a new friend? Will just getting out of the house and around new people feel good?
2. Remind yourself of your goals: You’re going there to make new friends and to have fun.
3. Review your positive personal qualities: What do your friends like about you? What do you like about you? Your intelligence, your sense of humor, your style, your conversation skills? Are you a kind and caring person? Reminding yourself of these qualities means you will enter the event radiating that positive energy.

Research shows that people who have a positive outlook have better lives, partly because a positive attitude is attractive and charming, and people are drawn to it. As a result, you make friends. When you are positive you are supportive of yourself and others, you notice the good things more than the bad things, which makes it easier to connect to others. In addition, you feel much better about yourself, which means you feel more deserving of friends. It’s a positive spiral, and goes up and up.

Guidelines for being charming at a party:
1. Be interesting: Wear attractive, but interesting, clothing—something that reflects who you are. If you like travel, for example, wear a shirt, scarf, tie or jewelry from another country, or wear something that reflects your ethnic background, or a hobby (sports, the outdoors, a Hawaiian-type shirt with surfboards, gardening implements or an animal print) or a holiday pin. It will help start conversations.

2. Pay attention: Look around you, and seek to make friends. Notice who’s around you and what’s interesting or attractive about them, Find an interesting thing about what they’re wearing, and compliment it. "Excuse me, but I couldn’t help noticing that gorgeous color -- it looks great on you." or, "What a fascinating watch! Where did you get it?"

3. Prepare in advance: Read up on some current topics to talk about—the background doings of a hit movie, some new technology advance, or a cool new trend. Then, when someone wants to talk to you, you’ll have something to say.

4. Find a way to help: What needs doing that you might enjoy? If you haven’t experienced this event before, I recommend finding a “job” to do. Don’t just say “what can I do to help?” Instead, volunteer for something specific: to greet people and take coats, or keep the food table replenished, or refill drinks. It will give you a feeling of belonging, a great excuse to meet everyone, and you’ll be busy enough to keep your nervousness at bay. The host or hostess will be grateful and remember you later.

5. Follow through: If you do meet someone you’d like to know better, follow the party with an invitation for coffee. The best friendships begin in these social situations.

Once you are meeting people, you need to create the proper energy level to be charming and attractive. Match your energy to the energy of the people at the event. Obviously, if you’re dancing or eating barbecue poolside, the energy level will be pretty high. If you’re having quiet conversations at a cocktail party, discussing books, or sitting down to dinner, the energy will be more mellow and focused.

Conversations at events you attend should be like tennis matches. That is, the other person “serves” he or she asks a question or makes a statement. Then, you “volley” back you answer the question with the kind of answer that invites a response. For example:

He: “How do you know our hostess?”
You: “We went to school together. I like Pam’s friendliness, don’t you?”

This invites your companion to respond, and keeps the “volley” going. If the conversational thread ends, The next “serve” is yours. If you have to re-start the conversation too often, excuse yourself and move on. That person is not interested enough. If you force the other person to do all the conversational “work” he or she will move on pretty quickly. One-syllable answers are a pretty clear indication of lack of interest, even if you didn’t mean it to be that way. Instead, turn on your charm, and the other person will want more time with you. 

Dear Dr. Romance: Am I Single?

Dear Dr.Romance: 

My friends were joking that I have never been single, and I argued that I have - but they said my definition of being single was wrong! true, I tend to have long term relationships, but before I met my last boyfriend I was "single" for nearly a year. I define this as not exclusively being in a committed relationship with any one person, but yes I dated a few guys. they say that because I was dating, I wasn't single.... what is your view on this?? (i'll award best answer to someone who supports my argument lol) 

Dear Reader:

The definition of "single" varies. Some people who are getting divorced or already separated identify themselves as single. People also lie and say they're single when they're in a committed relationship or a marriage. I think that what single should mean is that you're not exclusively dating one person, or committed to anyone, or still married, even if you're separated.  I don't agree that single means the same thing as celibate. Don't assume your date is exclusive with you if you've never talked about it.  "Guidelines for Successful Dating"  will help you find a great relationship.  To go from dating to commitment, read The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again

 

Dr. Romance: When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships

Dr. Romance writes: Many people ask me, “How will I know if I'm in love?”

Answer: Anyone who's in love usually knows it; the real question should be are we mutually in love, or am I wasting my time? If you want to be secure in your primary relationship, knowing how to create mutuality and work together greatly increases the chance that you'll make it as a couple. When I’m counseling couples on the verge of divorce, it’s amazing how establishing mutuality allows the love to come back.

Mutuality Prevents Heartache

Hundreds of years ago, a Renaissance bard wrote: 

When Love is kind, cheerful and free, 
Love’s sure to find welcome from me. 
But should Love bring heartache and pang, 
Tears and such things, Love can go hang.

Love that is not mutual is the kind that brings “heartache and pang”—and can leave you wondering how you ever left yourself open for such agony.

Mutual love, however, means you can feel secure that you both love and are loved equally, and are approximately equal in your energy for staying together. There are four major areas of mutuality that must be present if a relationship is to succeed and grow: love, benefit, trust and support.

• Mutual Love: Love is the constantly renewing energy that keeps a commitment alive. When both partners feel loved, and both feel appreciated for being loving, commitment can thrive.
• Mutual Trust: As promises are kept and feelings respected, trust in each other grows. In order for equality to exist, both partners must experience roughly the same degree of trust. 
• Mutual Benefit: The benefit we gain is based on what each person knows he or she will get out of the relationship, and how each person is enhanced by being in the relationship. While each partner may perceive different benefits to differing degrees, and may value certain benefits differently, the sum total of the relationship must feel similarly beneficial to both partners; if not, unequal power results, and resentment will develop.
• Mutual Support: Although relationships can involve a certain amount of stress, when we feel committed, we feel willing to face the difficulties and the challenges of working things out. Implicit in a loving relationship is the understanding that you and your partner will support each other—emotionally, financially, mentally, spiritually, verbally—to the best of your ability, through both good times and bad. 

When the above four conditions exist, the mutuality necessary for true love exists. Recognizing this is especially important if you have past relationship experience in which your needs have not been met, you felt unloved, or you were abandoned. Evaluating your mutuality is also a good way to discover whether you are ready to commit to a relationship, or need more time to build. If you're paying attention to whether you and your partner both feel love, trust, benefit, and support, your intuition will probably be a pretty good indicator of whether mutuality truly exists. Most people report that they are aware when their relationships feel unfair and unequal. 

To Build Mutuality

If the love, trust, benefit or support in your current relationship seem unbalanced, the following guidelines can help you create mutuality where you need it.
• To build mutual love: Let each other know when you feel loved, and show your appreciation for it. If you’re not getting the kind of love you want, you can say so, and negotiate for what you want. If you’re worried that your partner is not feeling loved or appreciated, don’t let it pass. Ask about it, and let your partner know you’re willing to solve the problem together. 
• To build mutual trust: Only make agreements that you can actually keep. If something unavoidable or unforseen is going to prevent you from keeping a promise, renegotiate in advance. In order to have love that works, you must be willing to say no when you mean no, and help your partner feel free to do the same. When you can trust each other to say no, you will also trust each other when you say yes.
• To build mutual benefit: Ask yourselves what's in the relationship for each of you. Consider whether the decisions you are making will benefit both of you. For example, if one of you decides moving is a great idea, what will the benefit be to your partner? 
• To build mutual support: Discuss what support means to each of you (support can be emotional, verbal, or financial in nature). Experiment with different ways of giving support to each other, and discuss how supportive they feel. 

If you’re feeling that one or more of the criteria for mutuality—love, trust, benefit or support—is not shared or equal, say so. It's always best to tell your partner, no matter how uncomfortable you may feel about doing so. If you do not, resentment and anger can build and, sooner or later, explode; what is perhaps only a small and easily solvable problem no can thus become a major issue later on, blown out of all proportion.

adapted from: How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free

Dear Dr. Romance: she slapped my face and departed

Dear Dr. Romance:

 I recently moved here from the British Isles.  I discovered your Dr. Romance blog and thought you might have some good insight on an experience I had involving an American woman's image of her body.   I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a party a few weeks ago. It was a public event at an art gallery. She was a high school teacher in her early thirties. We had been talking for a good half hour and really seemed to be hitting it off. We had even made tentative plans to meet for coffee sometime.   Then, things suddenly went downhill. I commented that she had a "nice, full, hourglass figure". I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended. She snapped, "Oh really….well perhaps I should do some plus size modeling!" I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only exacerbated things when I used the term "healthy". With a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed.   I will never forget those agonizing moments in the immediate aftermath, as I was standing there alone rubbing my cheek, drawing some judgemental stares from onlookers. Needless to say, it was not my proudest moment.   She had a classic hourglass figure - large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted "hourglass" as meaning big/overweight/full figured. I just thought it meant shapely and well proportioned. When I told a female friend about this she shook her head and said it was never a good idea to comment on a woman's figure when meeting her for the first time, even if I thought it was complimentary. I do have her email address.  Do you think I should send her an apology note or should I interpret the slap in the face as a definitive statement of rejection?

Dear Reader:

Yes, you ran afoul of American craziness about body image.  Your female friend is right.  Stay away from complimenting physical attributes.  You can say someone has "nice eyes" or you like a pretty dress -- but no physical body compliments -- they'll always be taken wrong.  Here's what I'd do.  Search online for a greeting card site that has an appropriate apology card, and send it via e-mail.  If there's an option to send a flower, that would help -- depending on how much you want to impress this woman.  In the card, say that you apparently ran into "cultural differences" and you had no intention of being rude, that you hope she'll forgive you and have that coffee with you that she was talking about.  
Good luck, and don't fret -- if you met one woman and hit it off, there'll be many others. Remember what Bobbie Burns said -- "The best laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley".  

LATER:

Dear Dr. Romance:

 Well, instead of sending a fancy greeting card I decided to just send her a simple but sincere apology note:  

We met a few weeks ago at the party in the art gallery. I genuinely meant to compliment you, but in so doing used a poor choice of words that deeply offended you. I am so sorry for any hurt I may have caused you. You are an intelligent woman and a person of integrity, and I have great respect for you. You are also quite beautiful. While my comments were not interpreted as I intended them, it was inappropriate for me to comment on your physical appearance after meeting you for the first time. I hope you choose to accept my apology, but if not, I sincerely wish you the best in life and I am still grateful for having met you. 

My thinking was that she would probably not respond in either case.  Amazingly, she not only responded by accepted my apology and it looks like we'll get together for coffee!  She replied:

Gosh, I have such mixed emotions on this. You seemed like such a sweet, interesting guy at first and that's why I was so disappointed when you started commenting on my body. I've had some weight issues in the past, so perhaps I'm overly sensitive of any comments that hint at being over-weight.  Also, because of my generous curves, I've too often had to deal with men who look at me primarily in a sexual/physical way.  It also didn't help that you kept glancing at my chest.  Therefore your comments, as well intentioned as they may have been, were like a "perfect storm" of insults.  Despite all of this, I'm willing to forgive and forget - might even meet you for coffee - but the terms are that you have to pay and I get to order something really extravagant like a large, caramel macchiato.....just joking ;-) 
P.S. Regarding the abrupt ending to our conversation -- Well, I'm an old fashioned gal with zero tolerance for cads and I felt it was the most appropriate response at the time.  I will say that you took the slap like a gentleman by turning the other cheek and then coming back to make a sincere apology. Most men would be more consumed with their own pride and resentful of the woman who slapped them.  Perhaps you are more chivalrous than American men :-) 

I even got a few compliments from her.  Now, I'm really confused by American women ;-)    Thanks again. 

Dear Reader:

Good for you. You've demonstrated "The Power of Politeness"  When you meet, do your best to look at her face, OK?  I'm glad it worked out, and thanks for letting me know.  The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again can help you avoid future blunders.  

Dear Dr. Romance: im just wondering wat i can do for him to like me

Dear Dr.Romance: 

i wear make up skinny jeans hollister shirts cardigans uggs and converse or just boots im love to act sing dance im a gr8t actress im always working out love to run im smart funny short brown hair sometimes jewlery now i have a crush on someone i always talk to him we laugh sometimes i sit next to him at lunch and stuff he seems intrested but he wont ask me out last time we talked he was about to ask me to the dance but he didn't idk why but yeh so now im just wondering wat i can do for him to like me.

 
Dear Reader:  

We're in the New Millennium, why don't you ask him to have a soda? You don't have to wait --but, after you ask, then let him do the asking next time. Read my article "Asking for What You Want"  You're also way too worried about how you look -- laughing and talking and your personality are what will really attract him.  Read "True Beauty: Honor the God or Goddess in You" to get your act straightened out.  You'll also find good ideas for flirting, opening conversations and beginning a relationship in The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again

Dr. Romance: "Don't Call Your Ex!"

 

Dr. Romance video! "Don't Call Your Ex"

 

Dr. Romance’s How to handle being dumped

DO put it in perspective If you're dumped, it hurts, but count your lucky stars. You don’t have a relationship if the other person's not really interested.

DO understand that there were problems already It's never easy to find out that your relationship, long or short, is over. Once bonded, even if the relationship is terrible, both men and women have trouble breaking away. So if you’re dumped, the other person really wanted out.

DON'T idealize a bad relationship: In counseling people who got dumped, every client realized the warning signs that were ignored early in the relationship. Don’t pick out the few good moments you remember and ignore what wasn’t working.

DO try to learn from the experience After the initial upset, review the dynamics of the relationship and analyze what went wrong, what you could have done differently, and what you learned. There’s no need to give yourself a hard time about it, just process the information, so you don’t repeat mistakes.

DON'T expect closure from the dumper It is lovely when two civilized grown-ups can dissect what happened in the relationship, tell the truth, ask for forgiveness and absolve each other. But this usually happens years later. Closure requires getting truthful answers to your questions about what happened __ to understand why. After a breakup, both of you are upset, hurt, and guilty and probably won’t be telling the truth, even if you understand it. Neither of you really wants to hear the truth this soon. Longing to talk "just once more" to your ex is just asking for pain.

Adapted from: The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again

Celebration in Dr. Romance's Neighborhood

The holidays were a time for celebration in Dr. Romance's Neighborhood

Articles:

"Newlywed 911: Protecting Young Marriages" Galtime

"The dangerous terrain of gifts for new girlfriends" The Toronto Star

"Are Millennials balking at marriage?" - FOX Carolina 21

"Surviving after a loved one dies" Nigerian Tribune

"Should You Buy Your Date’s Kids Presents?" Happen Magazine

"7 Ways to sneak in couples' time during the holidays" sheknows.com

"Coping With Loved Ones in the Military Over the Holidays Through Technology" empowHer.com

"Top 10 Movie Date Mistakes" Happen Magazine

Columns:
Yahoo:

"Dear Dr. Romance: I was Tired of Being His "Booty Call" Yahoo! Shine

"Dr. Romance on the Loss of a Hero"

"Dr. Romance on How to Have Happier Holidays"

"Dear Dr. Romance: I Want Some Peaceful and Happy Years of My Life" Yahoo! Shine

"Peace Begins at Home" Yahoo! Shine

BlogHer.com

"Dr. Romance on the Loss of a Hero"

DivineCaroline.com

"Dr. Romance on the Loss of a Hero"
"Dr. Romance on How to Have Happier Holidays"
"Dear Dr. Romance: I Want Some Peaceful Years"
"Dr. Romance: Peace Begins at Home"

 

Dr. Romance: Resolve to make your love life sparkle!

Dr. Romance wishes all of you a happy, healthy and loving 2012!

We all are inspired to make resolutions in the new year, to celebrate new beginnings.  Rather than resolving to exercise or diet, try:

Dr. Romance's Top 5 resolutions to take your marriage from good to great.

Resolve to:

1. Talk frequently and honestly to each other about your frustrations, about sex, about anger, about disappointment, about your appreciation of each other, about the meaning of life, about everything.  No topic should be off limits.  Learn to listen and communicate instead of fighting.  Fighting is childish, and you want a grown-up relationship.
 2. Strive to work together to solve anything that comes up: Be a team, create a partnership. Don't get stuck on who's right or wrong, instead focus on what will solve the problem. Strive to work together so both of you can have what you want.  When you build a successful working partnership, each of you will feel supported and respected by the other.  When each of you feels that the other has your best interests at heart, problems are solved not "my way" or "your way" but so that both are happy with the solution.  The mutuality of this type of partnership creates an environment of love where deep trust grows.  When trust, respect, responsibility and love feelmutual, that's when we feel secure in being loved.
 3. Keep your connection going through communication, sex, affection, understanding and concern for one another.  Nothing insures that your relationship will remain faithful better than a good, warm connection with great sex.  
4. Have a sense of humor; give the benefit of the doubt, care about each other.  Store up plenty of good times in your relationship reservoir to draw on in the hard times.  Treat your partner like your best friend.
5. Create Good Will:  Every kind or unkind word, every gesture of support or criticism, every honest or dishonest interaction between you, and every gesture of affection or coldness are stored in your memory.  Store up good feelings, forgiveness, support, honesty, appreciation, caring and affection, and sexual and emotional intimacy, to build up a backlog of good will, affection and warm memories.  Store up coldness, criticism, ingratitude, dishonesty, demands, and dissatisfaction; and you’ll have a reservoir of resentment and disdain.  To face problems, separations, disagreements, illnesses, and stress, you will draw on your relationship reservoir.  Memories of good feelings and goodwill let you cheerfully give what’s needed. Resentment and hurt feelings stifle generosity. 

 

Wishing you a year full of Hope and Joy.

(adapted from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage)